Expanded Event Calendar
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List of Fools Chucklehead.................................Stevie P. Editor at Large..................................Javlis Art Fool...............................Mama Morgan Intern Fool.................................Cynthia P. Sales Fool.....................................Sadie O.
Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee, Jay Russell, Mary Tompsett
The Chucklehead Speaks Summer is passing by so quickly and it’s almost time for back to school. For those of you old enough to remember, the official start was day after Labor Day. Another huge change is they seem to push students through the grades when some of them are not prepared to move on. In our day, if you didn’t test well you were held back. I was held back so many times, instead of a diploma for graduation; I was given a dinner and a watch. I didn’t do so badly. Look at me now. I’ve worked my fingers to the bone and have very boney fingers to prove it! Car Week came around quickly too this year. Last year during Car Week, I was at a preview of an auction browsing around. I spotted a baby blue 1957 Cadillac Coupe Deville and walked over to inspect it. As I bent over to feel the fine leather upholstery, I inadvertently break wind. Very embarrassed, I looked around nervously to see if anyone noticed my
little accident and hoped that an auction rep with a clipboard doesn’t notice me. As I turned around, my worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind me. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets me with, “Good day, sir. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably and hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of my accident, I asked, “Great looking car. What is the price of this lovely vehicle?” He answers, “Sir, if you farted just touching it, you are going to soil your underpants when I tell you the price.” Please watch out for children on the road. They’re terrible drivers.
Stevie P. / email@example.com
Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt Cover Art By: Harrison Deal
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Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge. Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations
Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!
...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. 831.375.9581 grovemarketgrocery.com
By Daria James
Hit me back, just to chat, sincerely yours Hello there, just wanted to let you know I am writing you a love letter, yes, a love letter. I know this is the 21st Century that is why I am writing it on a laptop. I can change the settings and make it look like a typewriter if you’d like. It’s a nifty feature Steve Jobs left behind. I can also make it cursive but that would be overkill, and perhaps add a cheesy factor I am trying to avoid. Like the swamp in the Never Ending Story, poor Atreyu, why did Artax not listen? Of course, the horse factor. All I’m saying is this is a movie where they have a giant flying dog and a big bad wolf who can talk. Even the turtle has lines. But Artax talking would’ve have killed the suspense of disbelief. Many love letters were written on typewriters, many breakup letters as well, probably for churlish fools such as yourself who made fun of us lovers and our way of expressing love. What is love? Haddaway and I want to know. Perhaps we can write a sequel song and we will not be hurt no more. Oh, I wanna know.
Yes, I used a double negative, this is my story and I do what I want. Capisce? I hope you did, because that was the extend of my Italian. There are many ways to express how you feel towards another person; you let them eat the last two bites of your sammich, knowing damn well those are the best two bites of the whole sammich. Saying I love you does not really cover the feeling; it is a tired cliché. I love you should only be told to deserving desserts, any form of chocolate deliciousness, and grandma over the Holidays.
Our mouths are conducive to life. A kiss is personal. A kiss is a transfer of our essence. The summer loves us and kisses us with the sun rays, the winter loves us, and it caresses our face with its frosty breeze. Ok, I am not in love enough to write stuff like that. Mostly because the sun will shine Spring or Fall, and the Sun does whatever it wants, because we cannot control the weather. That
Children in the back seat of cars can cause accidents, but accidents in the back seat of cars can cause children.
is some Illuminati stuff. I will say that I want your face at a very close proximity to mine, I want to slide my hand down your back and touch your butt. You have a nice butt and I have soft hands, it is a win-win here. Maybe this isn’t even love, perhaps, there are people in our lives who we like to smell for no reason or share saliva with. Our mouths are conducive to life. A kiss is personal. A kiss is a transfer of our essence. We share energies and occupy the same space for a moment. Hey! who turned on the Deepak Chopra in here? Those darn commercials are getting out of hand. They spam your phone and then your mind. Although, I stand by my kiss remarks. If you do not feel anything after a kiss, one of you is doing it wrong. A kiss has the power to make you weak at the knees, take your breath away, and yet leaves you wanting more.
Your aura should be flickering like it’s the 4th of July. I do not know much about love; I think the internet and its endless window into everyone’s intimate desires has spoiled much of what some can perceive as love. “I love you, would you be doll and shove this can of soda up my butt?” Do not watch these types of movies before you form your own idea of love. I’m giving you the opportunity I never had. You cannot unsee what you see online. Remember that, no, not THAT, this: The unseeing thing. Where was I? oh yeah, the love thing. I have changed my mind, anyway, call me back when you hear this message.
By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales
Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat
The tarp and sprinkler is a great idea! So what if you get a few burns and scrapes, nothing a little back-teen can’t sooth. Remember those younger days of combustible energy? You still got it! What matters is you took a gamble, followed a stream, infused a scheme with your enthusiasm. You want to make a music video out of it - do it! Art standards are at a high low.
Toddle barefoot through the grass before you self-destruct. Go on. Big lesson here for Big Crabby is to recognize Big hidden anger inside. (Can affect digestive process and or can chip paint off a Webber.) Relax and Imagine a blade of grass a rope for the Limbo shuffle, rub your legs together with the crickets, rummage with the lady bugs and connect the dots, and watch how the ants use moxie. Elect your rage to be your proxy.
You buried your friend in the sand! After that duplicitous insidiousness, who can blame you Libby. That 2 faced son of a … okay let’s not spiral … Here’s what ya gotta do; deal intuitively with the other’s emotions, and consider their point of view, even if from your perspective it looks to be straight up a horse’s ass.
Water balloons are perfect for a disciplined goat like you. Your basic concern is for security and they are just the opposite in their illusive solidity. Their squishy and mushy way about them evoke the cartoon in you. So chillax, there is no hidden tax in a flash of joy. Try the assorted colored ones that look like Big FAT jelly beans.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier
Skipping stones at Lake Caspian is a good tempered next step back from dominating others. The little stone will do as you say and won’t hit back. How many bounces will determine your ultimate trust in the mystery of the universe. If it goes kurplinkiss, consider it a symbol of your wariness and suspicion then retrieve it, mortar and pestle it back into dust. Centering your power can be festal while coming down off the pedestal.
Liberation! Build a sand castle and see each grain of sand as a thought you’ve had. Behold the glorious construction and then pour your bucket of water to soften the icy intellectualism. Bucket No. 2 will be for taking sips of knowledge for seeing yourself as energy. It is essential for you to live not only in your mind, but also in the heart of an artichoke. This way your heart can join the garden of even.
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull
BREATHE! It’s hard staying in your center when you are being popped by arrows. Your stoic pride leads into the querencia, not the picnic at the park you envisioned, but the differencia is you can take this punishment in stride! Remember every prick has a new lesson to offer. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins
You are a surgically precise barista when it comes to gathering a misto for a summer pool party. Don’t be a drip so remember the sensitive types, usually the water signs. Your social butterfly-ism may make them feel as if they are at a coffee drive thru. It’s a shot in the dark but if you can begin diffracting your auroral aura you will allow ALL to shine. You will be as good as gold! Maybe even Doppio!
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion
You stand out even when taking a nap under a Poppy shade tree! Though your act of fearlessness needs no rehearsal, Thou must practice courage in speaking up and catching it before the roar erupts and brings the family tree down. Euphemistic society can make you go ballistic when all you are trying to do is keep things real. Oh you are real alright, Happy Birthday! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin
It’s time to take your skivvies off and join the nudist camp dampness. Sketching the flowers in the community garden is a great temporary cover-up, but what about when you get to the roots? Your underbelly is shaking. You have committed yourself to shedding some self-consciousness around your organic structure. Our primitive society continues to categorize what IS the proper integument. Make this your effort free zone, do as the Gladiolus do, dangle in splendor.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer
The saggy roof of conventionality finally bore a hole through to the night sky — it’s just like sleeping in your own back yard. So what if you stripped the shingles off your roof to use as fish scales on your new avant-guard painting. You are clearing creative blockages mon ami! You have formed the bridge between human and beast, so I think you can probably make your way out from under the couch!~ Use your hoof to hook the coffee table and tug!~ Come out, Come out wherever you are...
Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes
RIGHT ON! High levels of taste Thunderstorm on the coast and you’ve gone fishing! You are gumption Pie PI! Leave the school behind and let them find their own way this time. You know your way into Oneness is full speed ahead! You have turned inside the tides to view the sand glass from all sides, and still it takes time to know time. But once you have boarded your ship of purpose, the porpoises help you step out of time. You have re-connected with your celestial longitude. You’re a Smash Splash!
By Rex Keyes
STARTING in JULY
What!!! Christmas celebration and preparedness starting In July. That is impossible!!! Please, don’t shoot the messenger, it’s true. Maybe it’s best I present this as a lawyer would to a jury with you all out there being the jury. It used to be that in the olden days Christmas time started after Thanksgiving with all the shopping, office parties, parades and decorations. Thanksgiving was an important holiday with families getting together and having a big dinner. Now Thanksgiving has virtually been wiped off the map with very little publication on TV, radio, newspapers or magazines. Christmas time is now raising
its head five months ahead of time in July!!! On TV the Hallmark Channel every day puts on a Christmas movie. Some large retail stores have put on displays of toys for kids which are a hint, hint, to buy early before Christmas. And now we are having Black Fridays, Purple Tuesdays and Yellow Thursdays which were so named in the olden days for buying at deep discounts prior to Christmas. So expect five more months of discount shopping and one might not want to buy early as a better price might come up next month. Oh yes, I forgot, you can always turn in the item you bought with its receipt, get a refund and go buy
it cheaper at another sale that would occur after the sale that you bought it. As far as decorating one’s home way ahead of time, there is no worry. A regular Christmas tree had to be bought close to Christmas as the pine needles on the older ones bought way before Christmas would fall off. Now we have the luxury of artificial trees of picking any size width or height, which last forever and always look good. And if one has a playful cat they can provide entertainment as they love playing in the tree. Of course one would need to stabilize the tree stand to keep the little feline from knocking the tree over and one
may have to keep replacing the tree ornaments your cute little kitten knocks down. Artificial Christmas trees, being a major display inside a house can be put up very early as there is no problem with them, except if one has a cat. So members of the jury, to confirm the Christmas season starting in July I ask you to check out the Hallmark Channel for Christmas movies. Next, check out the displays at your local retail stores for kids’ stuff. Oh again, I forgot that just about everyone is on the internet and don’t hardly ever go to retail stores. But if you are walking by one just walk through to see what is on display. Check out special Christmas sales days like Black Friday, Yellow Wednesday or Purple Tuesday for the months of August, September, October and November. As far as the internet is concerned I am not familiar with its shopping. So I cannot say whether they already have 2019 Christmas shopping sites or not. Good Luck!! I REST MY CASE!!!
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks, “Do you think we could use a sponge instead?”
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, “Do you think we could use a sponge instead?”
A group of old guys were discussing their medical problems at the Sally Griffin Center in Pacific Grove. “My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.” “Yes, I know.’ replied the second, “My cataracts are so bad I can’t see to pour the coffee.” “I can’t turn my head,” said the third, “because of the arthritis in my neck.” “My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,” commented the fourth, adding, “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.” “It’s not all bad,” piped in the first guy. “We should be thankful that we can still drive.”
Sometimes, when I’m cruising the city in a $200K vehicle, I lean back and think, “If the bus driver doesn’t speed up I’ll be late for work.”
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and honked his car horn by mistake. She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant look on her face. Seeing her look at him he said, “I did that by accident.” She replied, “Oh, yes, I know that, daddy.” He replied, “How did you know?” The girl said, “Because you
didn’t say ‘jerk’ afterwards!”
My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. The joke is on you, you little munchkin. I sleep in a real car.
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a MST bus driver.
A man buys a Lamborghini and is really beginning to enjoy it when he sees flashing lights in the rear view mirror. He guns it and is rapidly up to 160mph when he realizes what he is doing. He slows down, then pulls over and soon the cop pulls up behind him. The cop comes up to the window and asks, “What were you thinking, taking off like that?” “Well,” the man replies after thinking about it for a bit, “a few years ago a highway patrol officer ran off with my wife.” “What does that have to do with anything?” “I thought you were bringing her back.”
The Best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
An extremely rich guy was in town for Car Week, was carving up the roads one afternoon in a brand new Porsche. Passing on the right, speeding everywhere,
he takes a blind corner and plows into the back of a slow moving Prius, sending them both spiraling into a ditch. Both cars are demolished. The rich guy hops out of the twisted wreckage of his Porsche, to see an elderly man climbing out of the Prius with a jubilant smile on his face. The rich guy asks the gentleman if he’s okay. The gentleman raises his arms and says “I’m fine. This is fantastic! Let’s celebrate! We’re both alive!” He opens what’s left of the Prius passenger door to see a box of Cuban cigars. “What a miracle! Such an impact and my treasured cigars are okay! Let’s light them and celebrate our good luck!” So the two men light up, and smoke their cigars. The gentleman looks back inside, and sees his vintage bottle of Scotch and two glasses, and pulls them out. “A toast to us! Such a horrific accident and we
made it through without a scratch on us!” He pours two very tall glasses of Scotch, and hands one to Porsche owner. They clink their glasses, and the rich guy downs his. He looks at the gentleman, standing there with a still-full glass. “Aren’t you having any?” he asks the gentleman. “Oh no, not until the police give you a breathalyzer.”
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the Natividad emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “You’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker”. The man quickly responds, “We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!” Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
1) How much time do you spend sitting in traffic each day? 2) Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 3) Will there ever be more cars that people? 4) What is the name of your car? Bob #1 1) I work at night so there isn’t any traffic. 2) It’s hard to figure out people and their need to get home fast. It’s not going anywhere. 3) There are a lot of cars on the road and more on car lots. If they sold them all, we would have parking lots for freeways. 4) Maggie is my cars name. The car is red and Maggie sounds like a flirtatious Irish red head. Robert 1) Getting out of my driveway on a busy street is my biggest nightmare. My neighbors drive like they want to get to work because they like their job, or they’re late! 2) People have a different personality when they drive. Slow down. The roads we drive on are not a race track. 3) We have a lot of people in this world. I like cars more than people because I can fix a car. 4) Happy Trails. My car is old like Roy Rogers and Dale Evans and their farewell song “Happy Trails”. Roberta 1) I drive slow and probably am the reason for traffic. 2) Rush hour confuses me. Why would anyone what to rush for an hour. 3) There already are in L.A. Just like there seems to be more restaurants in Monterey County than people. 4) I named my car Ringo because I had a crush on a guy who was obsessed with The Beatles. Somehow, I thought naming my car Ringo would increase my chances. Sadly, I was wrong. Bob #2 1) It depends on the bus driver. 2) People shouldn’t be in a hurry to get home. What are you going to do when you get there? Sit around waiting to go back to work in the morning? 3) There are a lot of cars on the road for sure. There is an increasing amount of older parts for cars. Just like there are more replaceable parts for people. 4) I wish I had a car to name. I named my bike ‘ho don tight’.
DUMB EMPLOYEES HAD TO ASK… • Can I wear a swim suit and towel on casual day? • Will they give me a raise if I stop smoking pot? • Can my supervisor require me to have specific working hours? • My boss tells me to stop chatting and get back to work. Can he do that? • I falsified my resume. Now that I’m working here, can I change it? • Can I defer my salary until next year to avoid paying taxes? I don’t need the money this year.
11 interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.” One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nebraska?” “N,” she answered.
We all have one ginger friend that claims to be “strawberry blonde”. Two blondes were driving from Carmel to Disneyland. The sign said, “Disneyland Left”. So they started crying and went home.
What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds.
What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Introduces themselves.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear? Data transfer.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He studies the pieces that were all over the table, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “No matter what we do, we’re not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let’s have a glass of wine and put all these Frosties back in the box.”
16 Blondes are standing outside Alfredo’s and didn’t go in. The sign said 21+.
A science teacher at CSUMB tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.” A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”
I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.” “Don’t be silly,” she replied, “You can borrow my iPad.” That spider never knew what hit it.
Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?
What did the blonde say when she saw a sigh for the YMCA? “Look, they spelled Macy’s wrong.”
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head? A Space Invader.
A blonde just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a blonde joke. She
I told my doctor that I wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that I used to do. “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “Okay,” I said. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Channeling KMBY Last month, the Seaside Chamber of Commerce celebrated their seventy-fifth year of serving the business community. The chamber was established ten years prior to the City of Seaside incorporating in 1954. Those original people are long gone and the current chamber director, Jim Vossen and his merry band of board members are proud to announce that they are (presumably) the first chamber of commerce to have a TV/ radio station built in their office. They are broadcasting over the internet using the call letters KMBY For those of you who grew up on the peninsula in the 60’s and 70’s, you may recall the time KMBY was the AM rock station located in the Bear Flag Building on Cannery Row. Wide eyed teenagers and young adults were treated to an abundancy of promotional contests and album oriented music. It was the station to tune in to listen to hit songs. For those who are a little older, in
1935 KMBY were the original call letters for the current KNRY 1240 AM. Prior to KMBY the call letters, for a very brief time, were KDON. Fast forward to today, the music that is broadcasted, are hits from the 1940’s through the 60’s from Vossen’s extensive music library from his DJ days as Vossenova. He wanted most of the music to be reminiscent of the old days of KMBY and appeal to a wide audience. The station airs digitally on 19.4 and through the internet at www.kmby.com or www.kmbyradio.com. Gary Cocola, CEO of Cocola Broadcasting Company came to
the chamber in October 2018 to discuss the idea of leasing a radio station to run out of their office. That idea seemed to be an uphill battle. Then Cocola said that he had an unused ‘over the air’ television channel. This was KMBY which he owned since 2008. Combined with Vossen’s passion, they decided to form a unique partnership for this endeavor which launched three months later in January 2019 and is gradually picking up a loyal audience. It’s the only place to hear this genre of music in our area. Jim Vossen is a Johnnycome-lately. While going through a divorce, he started his broadcasting career in Concord on AM 990 KATD in 1995. He spent five years there before coming to Monterey in 2003 to be involved with 1240 KNRY. For six years, Jim, along with his new wife Mary Lou, produced a weekday, one hour, program called ‘Your Town’ on AMP’s community channel 24.
KMBY Television has the same format he used when he launched ‘Your Town’ on AMP. There is live TV recording every Monday at 3pm featuring local politicians and other colorful community members. On the audio side, Vossen hosts two live shows; Monday Morning Maze from 7-9am and Friday night the Vossenova Show from 7-9pm. Both shows offer listeners the opportunity to call in. More local shows are on the horizon. There is an open door policy for nonprofits, community members and anyone else who would be interested in purchasing a block of time to record and establish your own TV show or radio podcast. At this time, one third of the air time is devoted to the members of the Seaside, Sand City, Del Rey Oaks and Monterey Chambers of Commerce. As the station moves forward, it’s going to be a great community information television station.
For those worried about Alexa listening to your conversations Amazon are now releasing a male version called Alex who ignores everything you say.
WHO IS READING the
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BAD BREATH & BEYOND By Ted Gargiulo
Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer? A: You have a hole in one. Q: What did one eye say to the other? A: There’s something between us that smells funny. Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Plenty of room. Q: Why does a cow go over a hill? A: Because it can’t go under it. Q: Why are tomatoes the slowest fruit? A: They’re always trying to ketchup. Q: When is a dog not a black dog? A: When he’s a greyhound. Q: Why do firefighters wear red suspenders? A: To hold up their pants. Q: Why did the mouse run away from home? A: He found out his father was a rat. Q: When is an apple like a book? A: When it is red. Q: What is everyone in the world doing now? A: Growing older.
I used to fret over my public image—although you’d hardly know it now. I wore baseball caps to hide my baldness, body briefers to tone my gut, platforms to make me taller, clothes I couldn’t stand because I thought they made me look cool. Mixed company terrified me. I was too shy to laugh, too shy to disagree, afraid to scratch or pick my seat if I thought someone was watching. (Of course, someone was always watching!) I fretted about perspiration and gas, and avoided closed spaces where my bodily emissions could betray me. I covered my mouth when I spoke to keep my rancid breath from grossing out the listener, making it difficult for folks to understand me. Not that I had anything important to say anyway.
Today, I scratch and sweat and belch with gusto wherever I am. I suffer from a condition called Personal Insufficiency Stress Syndrome, or “P.I.S.S.” I learned that from watching television— always THE best place to learn anything! It began in college, followed me into the workplace and hounded me all through adulthood. Every public setting was a stage, each situation a trial wherein I felt obliged to prove or redeem myself. I’d lie awake nights, agonizing over some embarrassing thing I’d said or done the day before, and rehearse apologies to all the friends and coworkers I might have offended. It got so bad, I started wearing dark shades around the office so
people couldn’t see into my eyes and guess what I was thinking. One evening, I saw an infomercial for PHRIGITTOL®, a new hormone-accelerating, ego-enhancing formula that has changed my life. Unlike other antidepressants or personality modifiers, PHRIGITTOL® works by reconfiguring the selfcensoring feedback circuitry in my brain’s neuro-testicular cortex. Taken once a day, it blocks the transmission of the behavioral inhibitors that have kept me in bondage for years. PHRIGITTOL® lets me be all the ME I was meant to be. Today, I scratch and sweat and belch with gusto wherever I am. I make inappropriate remarks, I tell inappropriate jokes, I laugh raucously at my own tastelessness, I smell bad, I dress like a slob…and I don’t give a wet doo-doo blast what folks think of me. I am blissfully desensitized! PHRIGITTOL® isn’t for everybody. Tell your doctor if you have a history of homicidal tendencies, night terrors, somnambulism, uncontrollable rage, uncontrollable remorse, visual or auditory hallucinations, unconfessed guilt, irrational impulses, restless butt syndrome,
pelvic tremors, hyper-salivatic spitting disorder, compulsive yawning, bouts of silliness, excessive redundancy…or a propensity for believing every idiotic claim you hear on TV. Take PHRIGITTOL® only as directed. Side effects may include nausea, diarrhea, constipation, nervousness, sleeplessness, sore throat, rash, dizziness, hypertension—all the stuff you normally read about, no matter what medication you’re taking. More serious afflictions include migraines, blurred vision, palpitations, slurred speech, lockjaw, jaundice, catatonia and convulsions. If these symptoms become bothersome, or last more than three days, tell your doctor. Women who are pregnant, nursing or serving time in prison should not take PHRIGITTOL® without a medical and psychological evaluation. In the event of a stroke, congestive heart failure and/or cardiac arrest, stop the medication immediately, as these could be signs of a serious drug reaction. Also, someone should probably call 911. Be all the person YOU were meant to be. Ask your doctor if PHRIGITTOL® is right for you.
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
Apollo 11, 50th Anniversary of First Moon Walk, or Not By Charles Birimisa
On August 25th 2012 the first man who walked on the moon died. The San Francisco Chronicle asked readers what they were doing when Neil Armstrong took that first lunar step. I wrote the newspaper and my remembrance, among others was the last one published in that days Datebook section. In the following day’s paper was a letter to the editor titled “Get Real, Chronicle.” The letter lambasted the newspaper for publishing my comment which doubted the veracity of the Apollo 11 moon landing and walk, which took place 50 years ago on July 20th.
I learned some facts about Apollo 11 that I never knew before. My skepticism of man’s so called greatest achievement stemmed mostly for the official photography related to Apollo 11 as well as the other 5 successful moon landings and walks. Anomalies regarding lack of stars in the photographs, lack of dust after the Lunar Module landing, as well as shadows in the wrong places have long sparked inquiring questions and doubts among many of those who have objectively viewed the photography. History Channel scientists have, to their satisfaction, debunked these so called “looney” theories. Yet, doubts continue to persist related to the veracity of the official Apollo Moon landing photographic record. Initially, I was stung at the tone of the letter, which almost
led me to write an apology to the letter writer, and all other readers so offended by my sacrilegious commentary. A few days later on a plane to Louisville, I began reading Apollo 11’s command module pilot Michael Collins book “Carrying the Fire,” published a few years after the 1969 landing. I learned some facts about Apollo 11 that I never knew before. Collins related how he wished he would have spent more time practicing his docking maneuvers in the simulators but was forced to focus more on the public relations aspect of the mission as the launch drew closer. Collins also briefed the reader how Neil Armstrong had crashed, here on earth, a lunar lander designed to replicate as close as possible the actual Lunar module landing on the moon. Collins also added this: “Consider someone who has never ridden in a car before. Without actually letting him drive, prepare him for a trip across Los Angeles, from Downey down the Long Beach Freeway, then up the San Diego Freeway. Along the way, let him have a high speed blowout, change the tire, and proceed. Explain to him the rules of the road, the operation of the machinery, the physical coordination of the clutch, brake, and gas, the feel of the wheel. Condition him to red lights, flashing embers, the glare of oncoming brights. Trust him to make the trip the first time, by himself, without dinging a fender. Farfetched perhaps, but this is how we did it on Apollo.” (Paperback edition, page 333) After reading this and several other passages I was left with the impression that Apollo 11 was
a “we just winged it” operation. Since then I have made it a mission to obtain all legitimate (non-conspiracy related) publications related to the Apollo moon missions (a hundred plus books) and peruse them like I have Collins book. In each book I have marked with post-Its passages regarding facts related to the Apollo missions that lead to provocative questions. The most interesting one being “How can an astronaut in a spacecraft going at a speed of 25,000 miles per hour (7 miles per second), the requirement to break free of earth’s orbit, survive? Survive the same speed required for reentry in blasting back to earth and withstanding 5,000 degree heat generated in doing so? Recently Turner Classic Movie channel broadcast a 1989 documentary “For All Mankind.” The film consisted of actual footage from all the Apollo Moon landing missions. Footage of Astronauts in the spacecraft and on the moon. I was taken aback that a majority of this material featured the astronauts joking and horsing around. Their off color, good ole boy, fraternity house- like conduct certainly didn’t change my sentiment about the veracity of the moon landings. It is possible man has walked on the moon but it would have been accomplished with a secret technology we have not been told about. Of the technology associated with the official Apollo Mission and moon landing record I remain skeptical. It’s not just the photographs anymore. 1 Hour
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WAITING FOR GOD
By Jann Gargiulo
A few days ago I clicked on my computer to check my messages. Great! I got one from some missionary friends back East. They were missionaries to Brazil years ago and I used to write to them and send them little gifts. They say that they are coming this way and already have reservations in Seaside for July nine to the eleventh. They want to see us and spend their time doing some things around Monterey. They have never been here before so the first thing I thought of was the Aquarium. I went on-line and became members with the two extra cards for guests. Really expensive, but I had been saving to get that membership for us for
Christmas. What is that they say about “Christmas in July”? Now there’s something you need to know before you read the rest of this story. We’ve been emptying boxes and stored items from two medium sized storage areas and putting all the things out on tables, other boxes, and even on the floor. We’ve been doing this for two years! Every time it comes to this point, someone comes to visit us and we just put things back in boxes and back in storage so they won’t be in the way. We told ourselves that we weren’t going to do that again! This time we just told our friends that our house was a mess, and explained
why. We had actually planned to take them out for a special dinner. I found out that they had an AirBnB in Seaside, without kitchen privileges. I didn’t know what AirBnB was and I didn’t want my friend to think I was stupid, or speak up and remove all doubt, so I figured I’d find out about it myself. That evening on the news, Erin did a story about cheaper vacations and talked about AirBnB’s. She mentioned to be careful and read the contract carefully, because some people say that you can’t use the kitchen, or the swimming pool, etc. Well, my friends figured that we would all be out most of the time so didn’t care
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I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring.
17 when the contract of the one they got said that they could not use the kitchen. But I cared Up to this point we haven’t been worried about the inside of our home. We have room outside that’s very comfortable. They both love the outdoors. But my husband said that we have to fix up the dining area so that four people could sit in there. We began filling boxes again! By the time we could see the beautiful pecan wood of the dining room table and Ted had filled and removed about
I didn’t know what AirBnB was and I didn’t want my friend to think I was stupid. 10 boxes, I received a message on my tablet. You guessed it, it was them. The husband has been rushed to the ER and was admitted with E-coli and sepsis. He is there now even as I write this. They will not be visiting us. When he is released from the hospital it will be to go back to PA. We are all disappointed, but we will pray for him. Now I want to work even harder to get our home in shape. We sure could use some help. Know anyone who works for free?
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"Sixty-Four Dollar Question" Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee
Previously: Lester Krasse’s presentation to
Monster Mart execs bombs-- until a real live T. Rex pursues a teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office. CEO Malcolm D. Monster promises Krasse two million dollars to deliver the creature for the grand opening of his new Salinas Monster Mart. The military arrive, but the Army’s cannon fire proves ineffective and the creature leaps from the rooftop, still clutching the teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Oldtown, Salinas. Air Force jets finally subdue it with missiles tipped with tranquilizer darts. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart. Next, local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s vivacious Sue Foxx. Mr. Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur, insisting on the real deal, only now the dinosaur and teenager are being held at the county jail. Undaunted, Krasse convinces the sheriff to release Godzelda to him on a “work furlough” basis...
Malcolm D. Monster directed his expanding retail empire from the top floor of the Monster Mart Tower in Dallas. Naturally enough, his was the most spacious of all the offices in the unusual M-shaped highrise. From his desk he enjoyed a spectacular view of the city skyline plus his prized modern art collection, but today the C.E.O.’s mind was elsewhere. “Miss Hotchkiss!!” he bellowed over the office intercom. “Where’s that guy Krasse’s contract?” Elsa Hotchkiss, ten years executive secretary to the mercurial retailer, looked up from her computer screen. “On your desk with the mail,” she answered snappily. “Well, I don’t see it! You got to help me find that rascal!” Miss Hotchkiss sighed. She had scarcely one hour left to get out these memos he’d been calling for all morning. Now he was all in a dither about the contract with this flaky new advertising agency. Lester Krasse rubbed her the wrong way. Elsa finished keying a sentence, got up and joined her boss in the office. “Right here,” she said, tapping a finger on the executive’s “In” basket. “With your mail.” She pulled the contract from the stack and plunked it down on the polished mahogany desk. “Miss Hotchkiss, you’re wonderful! Now, when that Lester Krasse calls about the dinosaur, put him right through.” “Honestly, you really think he’ll turn up that Tyrannosaurus Rex?” “He’d better! That gosh-awful tape of his made me look like an idiot! And nobody makes a fool out of #9-25
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Malcolm D. Monster twice. Nobody! Besides, there’s more than enough money in the pot to motivate ol’ Lester. More than enough.” “You’re both loony, if you ask me,” Elsa remarked on the way out. Mr. Monster picked up the contract and scanned it several times. Chuckling, he tossed it into the wastebasket. Then he began looking through the mail. A few minutes later, the intercom trilled. “Lester Krasse for you, Mr. Monster,” chirped the secretary. “Just like you figured.” She transferred the call. “Malcolm? Great news!! Your dinosaur’s all set! We just need to work out the details of our contract.” “If you got my dinosaur, your contract’s a done deal, Lester. But I’ll want to actually see this critter for myself. You understand, of course....” “Sure! You’ll see her when we shoot the TV commercial at the store, day after tomorrow.” “Fantastic! But I am concerned ‘bout one thing though,” Mr. Monster confided. “Can we be ready in time for the grand opening? That’s the sixty-fourdollar question.” “No sweat, Malcolm. The TV and radio broadcast from the store’s all arranged. And we’re already on the radio promoting the dinosaur’s personal appearance. Your signs and billboards go up today. The direct mail piece is at the printer. All that’s left is the TV stuff.” “Dynamite! Sounds like you really got it together this time.” “There’s just one thing--- Can you guys arrange a truck? Something big...?” “Big enough to haul our dinosaur? You betcha! I’ll
put Peterson on it. He’ll be in touch directly.” “Oh! —And Malcolm, we’re gonna call her ‘Godzelda.’ That okay with you guys?” “Call her anything you want,” Mr. Monster said expansively. “This is your show!” The mega-retailer could barely contain his delight. After Krasse hung up, he summoned Jerry Peterson to his office. “I just got off the phone with Lester,” he enthused. “The dinosaur’s a definite go! ‘Godzelda,’ he calls her. Says we shoot the new TV stuff day after tomorrow at the store. So I want you to round up a crew of our best people and one of our big trucks, and you go meet him in Salinas. Call him right now and take care of this personally, Peterson. Then, get right up there. We can’t afford any screw-ups, understand?” No screw-ups. Jerry nodded. He understood alright. His company was about to embark on the most important promotional effort in its twenty-five year history. The success of the new Salinas store was crucial to Mr. Monster’s plan for a chain of Monster Marts on the West Coast. He wants me there to ride herd on that flaky ad man and the Tyrannosaurus Rex, he thought. Some assignment! What was it Malcolm had called her? Oh yeah, “Godzelda.” “I’ll leave tonight,” he replied.
Episode 10 Take Thirteen All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net
DI L L I G S ! ? By Mary Tompsett True story: Inside a stray plastic grocery bag near my house I found an empty freezer food baggie labeled in black ink: “SEPT 2017 – LARGE PIECES OF TURKEY.” And the label had been crossed out and rewritten (undated) in blue ink: “1/2 LB GROUND CHICKEN??” Here’s hoping it was written by someone I don’t know. God help me if it was my defense lawyer. Let’s go now to freshly hatched advice unhampered by training or ethics, here in DILLIGS!? (“Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t!?”) QUESTION: How can I stop obsessing over my mistakes? DILLIGS: Sweetie, we all make mistakes, so put down
MAIDENS, POT & OTHER BULL that cat ’o nine tails, and save your sweat. Invest in an Iron Maiden medieval torture cage. These babies come in a variety of claustrophobic sizes with spikes for all skin types. My ergonomic model improves my posture without drawing too much blood. It cleans up well with a good power washing, and the optional snack tray is worth the extra cost. QUESTION: I missed July’s “running with the bulls” in Pamplona. What are some tips for training to run it next year? DILLIGS: Begin by running with slightly less fearsome mammals, such as rabbits that have nibbled their way across pot farms. Skip the seven-inch There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Answers on page 26
stilettos cuz that’s a different race held in Madrid, run by guys in high heels. So save the heels for meeting your future in-laws, but do continue to shave your legs and moisturize. Remember, bulls are attracted not to the color red, but to movement. So, if one charges, fling aside your hat or shirt as a distraction. But if you’re caught in a stampede, it’s actually safer to be struttin’ your gigolo leathers. Blend, and moo to show friendliness. QUESTION: What’s the proper use of the word “kerfuffle”? DILLIGS: This fun word has a truckload of meanings ranging from fuss to pandemonium. Like me, you’ve surely experienced the common kerfuffle of misjudging spatial relationships under the table and mistakenly playing footsie with the minister. Other everyday examples: You break a nail while wrestling an annoying co-worker into the conference room’s new Iron Maiden; or you try to distract a charging bull with flung clothing but are severely trampled while removing your pants.
QUESTION: Any cool, new products made from pot? DILLIGS: Try hemp whipped body butter. Not to be taken internally. Okay, maybe just a smidge added to the brownie batter. QUESTION: I often feel lonely. What can I do? DILLIGS: Quit therapy, clear those mannequins out of your living room, and destroy the secret trough of Rocky Road ice cream. For you are needed and loved by all living things. Yes, we’re talking about your gut bacteria and the billions of microbes partying in and on every inch of your sorry carcass. Grab some of that whipped hemp butter in the previous Q & A and smear an extra glob of it across the vast hills of your epidermal tundra. You’ll feel good, and you’ll spread goofy grins to any microscopic buddies that actually have mouth parts.
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia
I’m glad there is not much summer left to feel ashamed about not getting in shape for summer.
The Love Bug: A TRAGEDY
By Jay Russell As a young car enthusiast, I used to love playing punch buggy with my friends. If unfamiliar to the sport, all one must do is sock your friend in the arm when you see a VW bug and say “punch buggy red,” (or whatever color). With so few bugs still alive I wonder: do kids play punch buggy still? If not, what do kids do when in the car now? Is it okay to punch your nine year old cousin mildly hard in his favorite phone clutching arm when a Herbie replica drives by? Are Tesla and self-driving cars destined to acquire sentience like Herbie? To answer these questions I thought it might sound like a fun idea to watch that cute VW Bug named Herbie putt around through a sparsely populated San Francisco of the 60s. But, be forewarned foolish readers, The Love Bug film may be a waste of your couch high times. You may not want to duplicate my research efforts. Instead of firing up that VCR (or however you kids watch flicks nowadays) maybe just read these few critical notes I made while watching.
Is it okay to punch your nine year old cousin mildly hard in his favorite phone clutching arm when a Herbie replica drives by? Herbie’s antics drag on a bit too long, I doubt most people today could make it 40 minutes in. The movie feels like a few key plot points were attempted to be faxed into the director, but got lost in the 1968 airwaves. The
positive points racked up come via the live driving stunts and the artisanal acting of Buddy Hackett. Might I recommend fast forwarding through any scenes without Mr. Hackett. Buddy, aka the seagull Scuttle in The Little Mermaid, looks and acts like the 5th Stooge, bravo, cross eyed cherub! Unfortunately the fatal flaw of this film seems to be that the second best acting performance in the movie comes from a motor vehicle. One can only take so much of the main character (name impossible to remember) realizing the car’s alive, then forgetting and becoming blind to obvious signs of life and back again. The full on 60s film industry stereotyping of the Chinese could ruin your evening too. If that hit theme song wasn’t in the movie, it would be unwatchable. So yes, upon review it seems the movie kinda sucks, not sure how the sequels fared, but I can take an educated guess. This may be a contributing factor to the decline in the punch buggy game. As the movie faded so did the game? No mention of the game in the film either, disappointing. Upon even deeper research it seems that VW actually produced the last Bug just days ago (Mexico, 7-10-19). While yes, this means no more new ones, I can imagine the game sparking back up since the Beetle made headlines. There’s really nothing like a never ending game that people usually don’t know they are playing, until wham! “punch buggy teal” and you drop your big gulp into your lap. One can only hope for the resurrection of the game.
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My wife said she’d leave me unless I stop playing constantly with the walkie-talkie, over.
My girlfriend said she expected me to treat her like a princess. Very well, I married her off to a weird old guy who was old enough to be her grandfather to strengthen my business alliance with England. I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots. I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left two days ago.
My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out. If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Jim, he’s 54 years old and he weighs 185 pounds.
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all. Wife: “Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn’t our biological child.” Husband: “Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told
me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
I received an invitation for a wedding. I answered: “Maybe next time. Thanks.”
A husband asks his wife for twenty dollars to buy a case of beer. “No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look pretty for you.” “That’s exactly why I wanted to buy beer.”
Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a Tesla for our anniversary.” Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!” And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
My wife packed up my bags and told me to get out and never come back. As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door, “I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!” “Wow,” I said, “so you’re saying I should return?”
Who doesn’t love waking up, looking at the person sleeping next to you and starting the day with a long, loving kiss? Apparently the airline had a different take on these things.
John comes home from work and sinks into his favorite chair and flicks on the TV. He turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, please get
21 me a beer, it’s been a hard day” She rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to him. “Honey”, please get me another one quickly before the usual show starts.” “What is wrong with you, you lazy good for nothing? Do you think I’m your personal waitress? You plop yourself down on your easy chair and expect me to be on your beck and call. Is that all I’m good for?” John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “It started….”
That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…
I NOT ROBOT
By Robyn Justo
I rarely listen to the radio in my car, but a few weeks ago something told me to turn it on. I recall living on Maui and loving the stations there, no 100- mph hour hyper-chatter, just good, happy, sweet and simple aloha music. I found an alternative Peninsula station and for a few hours it was dedicated to reggae and suddenly I was transported across the Pacific to a beautiful island of green with gentle breezes, catching glimpses of brilliant rainbows in my mind, reminded of how I was a warrior there instead of a worrier, vibrantly alive instead of uncomfortably and automatonically numb. Every once in a while I question myself, especially when my computer asks me if I am a robot. Does it show? My Italian Mom used to warn me of my fungia (pronounced foon-ja) face, that familiar scowl that she told me would stick if I didn’t watch out. Mine had been sticking lately. Had I joined the ranks of those comatose zombies with their fungia or phone-ja faces tilted down towards their electronic
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.
protuberances, ready to plow straight into me, obviously lacking the necessary Roomba technology to avoid animate and inanimate objects? The other day I was trying to communicate with a Fed Ex robot on the phone. We didn’t speak the same language. He/ She/It could not understand my name no matter how many times I slowly and loudly repeated it. Every time it asked me to speak and I would start, it would talk over me. So I yelled. I know I’m not the only one. I yelled loudly. “STOP TALKING WHEN YOU ARE ASKING ME A QUESTION AND I’M TRYING TO ANSWER YOU!’
Robots don’t yell and they don’t understand emotion or anger. Ridiculous Robyn. Robots don’t yell and they don’t understand emotion or anger. Neither does your Android or iPad care when during talk to text it makes an embarrassing mistake and translates a word you didn’t say to something rude, horribly suggestive, or just plain wrong. Robots don’t care. Honey Badger don’t care and I shouldn’t care. The other day I went to CVS to pick up a thyroid prescription, which probably should have been a sedative or some sort of opiate with all of the stress I was feeling. I was told that the computers were down. “Can’t you just pull the bag with my name on it because I got a message earlier that the prescription was filled?” I asked.
“We don’t go by names anymore. We go by numbers,” said the clerk in a very calm voice. She probably WAS a robot. “WHAT??? Who in heaven’s name took the names away? What if the grid goes down and what if someone really needs the meds?? You mean to tell me that there is no way to operate your system without the computers?” I squealed, sounding like the oxycontin junkie I was not. Frustration rising. Head and body shaking. Why do things have to be so complicated? Is it me? I NOT ROBOT. I ROBYN. I’m not a wind up but I am afraid
I am going to wind up in a bin of old, discarded technology someday. I find myself in error mode if I have to deal with electronic responders when I call a business, just as much as when toothbrushes that are rounded instead of flat keep tipping over on my bathroom counter. Who designs these things and comes up with these systems? I used to buy the kids toothbrushes that had suction on the bottom and stood straight up. That makes sense! And if it makes sense to a 5-year-old, it makes even more sense to a 65-year-old! Yes, I am digressing, but the frustrations these days seem to string together like strangling tethers of errors. Maybe things are designed to make us crash, slowly but surely, our little fungia faces tilting as we finally utter “Game Over.”
Super Summer Specials
Come See Tony
EMBRACE YOUR BOREDOM By Debbie Harris It happens to all of us from time to time. We get bored. We don’t know what to do with ourselves. We may not have anything to do, or, more accurately, anything we want to do. The physical symbol for being bored used to be twittling one’s thumb. If you’ve never twittled, you interlink your fingers in front of you, probably on your lap, leaving your thumbs facing upward, free to spiral around each other. Fun, right? That will chase away that boredom for a couple of seconds, more if you reverse the twittle. When I was a kid and we would get bored during the summer, we would lie down on the lawn, stare up at the clouds and see what shapes they might make. Do kids do this anymore? Maybe now there’s a staring-at-the-clouds app. Waiting-in-line boredom is different from other types of boredom. You have to do something that being in line can accommodate. The most useful thing waiting-in-line people can do is be prepared for the event they’re waiting for. It always puzzles me when I see a person who has been waiting in line to
pay for something for a long time and they don’t even think about taking out their payment until after being asked for it. People, use your waiting time to get out your credit card/money/debit card/coupons, etc., so everyone else in line doesn’t have to wait for you to dig through your pockets/search through your wallet, or call back the person who is paying, who has gotten tired of waiting and is wandering around the store. While you’re waiting, think, anticipate and act.
People alleviate boredom now with their cell phones. People alleviate boredom now with their cell phones. There HAS to be something more interesting in this device to distract me from my boredom. Maybe a friend posted a picture of his food on Instagram; maybe a cousin texted me a good joke; maybe a co-worker is showing pictures from his vacation on Facebook; maybe Trump tweeted something (Of course he did!). Maybe you can turn that thumb twittle into
I’m such a bad driver, my navigation system said, “In 300 feet, stop and let me out.”
a Twitter post. We have to find something to keep ourselves from experiencing even a nanosecond of boredom. Besides the phone, people have all kinds of other ways to alleviate boredom—eating, drinking, shopping, surfing the Internet, watching TV, playing video games—anything to stimulate the senses, to drive the nervous system away from that Bleh feeling. I’ve been known to eat and/or play computer cards when bored. Nothing like a sugar rush or the digital fireworks of a card win to agitate those neurons. Necessity may be the mother of invention, but boredom can be also. How many artists started
23 to develop their talent with the doodles they did in class when they were bored? How many writers came up with great storylines when they were bored and their minds were clear? Celebrated mystery writer, Agatha Christie, would take long walks, clearing her mind to work out her plots. Boredom is when we have the mental space to think, when ideas can come to us. Einstein would stare out the window, seemingly not doing anything—looking bored. It’s to humanity’s benefit that he didn’t have an electronic device, so he couldn’t work on level 12 of Candy Crush rather than come up with the theory of relativity. So let’s embrace our boredom and open up the mental space for new ideas. Maybe talk to people in line with us or look carefully at our surroundings. Or . . . learn how to twittle our thumbs.
Cars, Cars, Cars! Answers on pg 26
Porsche Audi Bentley Lotus Headlight Ford Hubcap Chevy Mazda Saab Volvo Jaguar Tesla Mahindra Hyundai Sparkplug Peugeot Mustang Plymouth Nissan
BUSKER REFLECTIONS By Michael Houston
Eternal Summer Love or Just Passing Infatuation? Learning to love yourself It is the greatest love of all. – W. Houston White skies, blue skies, or market fair – summer love surrounds us environmentally, biologically, and mechanically. Foolish experts in other publications tell us capitalism is the greatest religion humanity has ever known, and the only one ever with universally devoted practitioners from the hierarchy (organic food vendors, banks, airlines, and internet providers) to the congregation itself (everybody).
Even in Old Monterey? Still, here in Califas, CA solipsism trumps even Amazon fulfillment. Who wants stuff when we are it? And the crown of creation to boot! We are our own conquistadores and flores de la candela racing to our 250th birthday party. We radiate, nay, broadcast and revel in our self-absorption, vanity, shallowness. We boldly share
our wonderfulness with anyone who can’t get out of earshot fast enough. As we say in this end of Aztlan and Island California, “Bésame mucho?”
Shoppers of the World Unite! You say America stands divided? Here in this sacred land of the Rumsen, under western skies, dodging seagull droppings, and calculating our movements to wind direction, we rove the markets as one. Aye, we is still the one. Marketeers all! Mommies, daddies, first-born, middle childers, pram riders, and interlopers. Each mindful not to lose one another in the tumult of our fellow other selves who are also out hunting down, English toffee, gluten-free delights, Jeffery’s candied pecans, Thai teas and savories, and the like.
What’s To Do In This Burg? August is Nirvana lived mindfully in the moment! Why not just call Old Town Monterey Farmers Market or Monterey Farmers Market at Monterey Peninsula College (MPC) Nirvana? Perhaps
My wife took her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
IN THE GUTTER because our free souls have a Hindu multitudinous raft of enlightening free family-friendly fiesta options like Sand City’s West End and Turkish Fest Celebration are free. For those who choose to buy their way into “heaven” there’s the Pebble Beach Concours D’elegance and the Monterey County Fair. Go on, open your minds, hearts, and wallets to evenings on the bay during at the Aquarium, the Scottish Games, and the Steinbeck Festival.
Fight Yourselves And Win Your Joy! Beloveds, dump you nihilistic self-loathing. Smile and practice your innate spirituality. Reach out and accept that strawberry! Graciously accept that bit of lemon or ginger cake. Put a piece of peach or apricot on that toothpick. Savor the moment. Only you can stop this negativity of not buying stuff from organic and commercial farm folk and other vendor of unique clothing and jewelry. As my granny used to say, “Tie dye is forever!” As we say at the stone fruit and strawberry stands, “Free samples?”
Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected?
Fight Atrophy And Shake Your Booty!
Summer is here. Catch some live music by living musicians and gramophone operators! Joey’s doing magic playing over original tracks, and he takes requests. (Don’t tell him where you heard that!) Enter our Foolish Times Competition! Call our publisher when you see the first accordion of the summer. Winners receive a life-time supply of Foolish Times from the market, restaurant, or stand of their choice.
Summer Fun! Embrace your own joy and come and dance with us market musician before heading off to the bierhaus in time for happy hour. Superior Court is running a summer DUI sale. For only about $15K you get a brief stay in the what a hospitality web site called the hoosegow, mainline joint, skinner joint, stoney lonesome, con college, glasshouse, bucket, club fed, graybar hotel, big house, slammer, calaboose, castle, cooler, country club, crowbar hotel, digger, farm, guardhouse, hole, joint, jug, juvie, pen, pokey, rock, sneezer, stockade, or the clink. This offer includes an extended loss of driving privileges, even if it’s your first offense! So wear your seat belt and don’t kill yourself texting and driving. The lives and vehicles destroyed may include your own. Happy trails…and not trials.
by Tony Albano
It was springtime in New York and I was in the eighth grade. The flowers were blooming and so were the girls. I was sitting on my stoop one day and along came Donna and Barbara riding their bicycles. Now at this time, Barbara definitely was blooming a lot quicker than Donna. She was the fantasy girl of most eighth grade boys’ little minds. But it happened that Donna asked me if I’d ever like to go bike riding with her. The word on the street was that she had a crush on me, but, like every other boy, I had a crush on Barbara. At the time, Donna had this big rim around her mouth to keep her teeth straight. It looked like a face guard on a football helmet. I thought to myself, how would anyone even kiss her, but she had asked me to go bike riding with her. I didn’t act very interested at all because I was really hoping that Barbara would ask me instead. I said, “Well, maybe some time,” I said, and they rode away. Before I knew it, the school year was over. The next year, I had moved to another town not too far away, but just enough
You can’t but happiness but you can buy ice cream.
to be going to a different high school. Years went by. Before I knew it, I was a senior in high school. By now, I was different than that boy on the stoop in eighth grade. I had long flowing hair. In the wintertime, I had this denim jacket trimmed with wool and was wearing moccasins on my feet. I was the Marlboro Man in hippie form, I was looking hot. I was playing the guitar in New York City, and I felt great. An aunt had given me a shirt, the kind of shirt that you always bring back to the store because you’re never going to wear it. I was with my friend Ed, and we went to the department store where I thought my aunt had bought me the shirt. While we were in line – the long Christmas returns line – I could see that way up at the front was Donna. She must have gotten a holiday seasonal job. She was behind the counter handling the returns from the people who had received gifts that probably nobody wanted. But it wasn’t her job that captured my thoughts, it was Donna. She had turned into a Covergirl model. She was absolutely, stunningly gorgeous. While we waited in line, I said to Ed, “Oh, I can’t wait to be reunited with Donna. This is going to be wonderful. When she sees me now, when she sees my great hair and what I’ve turned into, she will just be knocked out. If she liked me then, this will just kill her.” As the line crept forward slowly, I kept gawking at her. I was immersed in thoughts about myself and the reaction she would
have. By the time I got up to the front of the line, I was sure I’d get a date with her. Finally, it was my turn. There I was. I put up the shirt and I said, “Hi, Donna.” She said, “Hi.” “Can I return this shirt?” “You don’t have a receipt.” “Donna, it’s me, Anthony Albano. Don’t you remember me?” “Yeah, I know who you are. You don’t have a receipt and you can’t return it.” “But Donna, it’s me.” “I know,” and then she looked past me and said, “Next in line.” That was it. I walked away with my friend Ed pretty humiliated,
25 since I had built myself up in my own mind into this irresistible gorgeous hunk of a skinny little young man. I hope I learned something on that day. I think I did. That I have to be not so callous; that I have to see people the way they are, even if they aren’t exactly what you want them to be or picture them to be. Now I try to give the utmost respect to everyone I meet in my life, from the rich to the poor, from the gorgeous to the not-sogood-looking. And sometimes I even go a little overboard in treating better the people that don’t get much attention. I give them the most attention. From the book, Life is a Bumpy Road, Smoothed Out by the People and Dogs You Meet Along the Way. The book can be found on Amazon and at Books & Sound in Oldtown Salinas.
SWe GetC aORecording O P of! Putin and Jong Un’s Good Ole Boy Meeting 26
By Roger Freed
Our ever-vigilant super spy drone has done it again! It managed to record the so called ‘historic’ meeting between big-wigs Vladimir ‘the Impaler’ Putin and Kim ‘Moe haircut’ Jong Un. And it did it without the former KGB agent or the Pillsbury Doughboy noticing it! Here is what it picked up: Putin: So Un, how was the train ride? Un: Long, but well stocked with scotch and Natasha was wearing a blonde wig, so it was bearable. Putin: Why don’t you just fly? Un: Too easy to get shot down. Putin: No one is going to shoot you down! Un: I would.
of Thrones. And how are the peasants doing? Un: Who cares. Let them eat cake. Putin: So you have set up another meeting with the Chump. Un: Ah, Trump? Yes, I might as well. Got to keep the circus going so people remember to respect us even though we are one of the poorest and most backwards countries in the world. But as long as I can get the hound dog to come knocking at my door, I will get all the press I need. And the prestige!
Putin: Are you getting by the American sanctions OK? Un: Yes, but it does slow up the deliveries of Champagne and foie gras. That really ticks me off!
Putin: He is such a turkey! If you work at it, you will be able to wrap him around your finger like a Chinese finger trap. Just stroke his ego with one hand and pick his pocket with the other. Un: I will remember that. I just have to be a little more wily this time. He did take me by surprise with that walking out business at our last meeting in Vietnam.
Putin: Same here. I have been waiting weeks to get my new plasma theater-size screen so I can really take in Game
Putin: You weren’t expecting that? That is one of his favorite tricks! Haven’t you read any of his books?
A lesson in good manners: Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who is next? Really poor taste at funerals.
Un: We don’t have foreign books in North Korea. We only have books written by my Glorious Grandfather, my Glorious Father and by me. Who would want more? Putin: You might want to get a couple of translated copies just to see what sort of a man you are dealing with. Un: They would be so full of hot air, I would be afraid they would explode during delivery. Besides that, I can tell by looking at him that he has ‘Sucker’ written all over himself. Putin: He is a lot of fun actually. He is so full of himself that he couldn’t distinguish BS if you stuffed it in his nose. Un: I did pull a fast one on him in Vietnam, actually. I ordered a special dish for him telling him it was Mandarin Duck when actually it was gopher intestines (They both laugh uproariously). And the consort I got him was actually a guy who had gotten a cheap Hong Kong sex change. (They laugh again).
A tree never hits a car expert in self-defense.
Putin: Check this out- I got him to believe that I am a ‘good guy’ despite having killed two dissidents in England and one in the US, having violently taken over Crimea and taken their naval ships hostage, had numerous Russian journalists who condemned me killed, and shot down a Dutch airliner with civilians aboard, then not letting the families recover the bodies until a week later. And STILL this guy thinks I am his best buddy (Their laughter hits a new height of hilarity). Un: (Brushing tears out of his eyes) Oh my! That is too funny! Just for kicks at our next meeting I am going to stick a whoopee cushion under his seat and see how he handles that! (They laugh) Then, I’ll have a ‘pretty boy’ come up and give him a lap dance and have photographers ready to pounce out and take pictures. We’ll see how that goes down in the American tabloids. (Their laughter escalates). Putin: (Now it is him wiping the tears out of his eyes) Oh, man! You are too much! I would love to be there to see THAT! Un: How did that guy EVER become President? Putin: It sure wasn’t the same way WE did! Un: That is for sure! Time to go, bro. (They bump fists)
MAKE ME TUSCAN SHRIMP INGREDIENTS
Knock, knock. Who's there Amish Amish Who? How sweet. I miss you too.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Hammond Hammond who? Hammond eggs.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Broken Pencil Broken Pencil who. Never mind it's pointless.
Knock, knock. Who's there? House House who? House you doing?
Knock, knock. Who's there? Burglar Burglar who? Burglars don't knock.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Jester Jester who? Jester silly old man!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Troy Troy who? Troy the doorbell instead.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Nun Nun who? Nun of your business.
Knock, knock Who's there? Utah Utah who? Utah one who told me to knock!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Pasta Pasta who? Pasta salt please.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Cook. Cook who? Yes you are.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Radio Radio who? Radio not, here I come!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Europe Europe who? Europe early this morning.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Venice Venice who? Venice your mom coming home?
• 1 lb shrimp, peeled, deveined, tails removed • 1 lemon • 3 cps spinach • 1 1/2 cps halved cherry tomatoes • 1/2 cps heavy cream • 1/4 cps grated Parmesan • 1/4 cps fresh basil, sliced • 3 tbsp butter • 3 cloves garlic, minced • 2 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil • Salt & Pepper
1. In Skillet: Add oil, salt & pepper over medium heat 2. Sear shrimp until golden, flip until opaque. Remove shrimp. 3. Add butter and garlic. Stir until fragrant. 4. Add cherry tomatoes. Stir until ready to burst. 5. Add spinach. Stir until slightly wilted.
6. Stir in heavy cream, cheese and basil. 7. Reduce heat, simmer for three mins. 8. Add back in shrimp and heat thoroughly. 9. Squeeze lemon on top. Garnish with wedges and more basil.
MONTERE Y PENINSULA COLLEGE
August 1-18 A Mid Summer Night’s Dream
Shakespeare’s comedy of magic, mythology and human folly. Original music, dance, fairies and audience participation. www.mpctheatreco.com
August 2 Jerry Garcia’s Birthday Bash
Dave Holodiloff is bringing his band to The Jade Lounge for his 10th Annual Jerry Garcia Birthday Bash Tribute Concert. This annual tradition is sure to delight ‘dead-icated’ followers of Jerry Garcia. www.thejadelounge.com
August 3 Wharf Walks
It was heart-healthy salmon, not sardines, that put Monterey on the map. Tim Thomas leads a merry group of inquisitive minds on the subject, ‘The history of salmon fishing in the Monterey Bay.’ Eating Salmond fished in the Monterey Bay is also a wonderful topic. www.montereywharf.com
August 4 & 11 Blues in the Park
The city of Seaside keeps the heat turned up for the last two weeks of world class free shows. Chris Cain scorches the stage on the 4th while Lydia Pense and Cold Blood end the five week summer tradition on the 11th. www.ci.seaside.ca.us
August 2-3 Steinbeck Fest
A dynamic, spirited, and challenging exploration through talks, films, performances, and exhibits. www.steinbeck.org
More on Car Week:
www.oldmonterey.org www.pebblebeachconcours.net www.weathertexhraceway.com
August 3-4 Celtic Fest
Let the games begin! Music, dance and athletic events of the mystical lands of Scotland and Ireland. Proud to offer Scotland’s greatest export, single Malt Scotch whiskey. www.montereyscotgames. com
August 8 National Sneak Zucchini on Your Neighbor’s Porch Day
The title says it all. This gourd is a favorite of local gardeners with high yields. Keep your porch light on.
SV food & Wine
A celebration of the Salinas Valley Lifestyle with world class wine, craft beer, gourmet food, live entertainment and a strong sense of community. salinasvalleyfoodandwine. com
Learn about the western honeybee with a 90 minute walking tour with their beekeeper. Watch the bees scout out, forage for, and bring home the flowery bounty. Then put on a bee suit as the group takes apart a hive with over 200,000 buzzing bees. www.earthboundfarm.com
August 11 This all started because of Reagan telling a joke during a sound check not knowing they were live. The tape leaked showing his dark sense of humor.
Earthbound Farms Bee Experience
Presidential Joke Day
August 3-4 A celebration of the culture and ancient history with food, live music, art, entertainment, belly dancing and plenty of activities for kids. www.turkfestca.org
August 9-18 Car Week
One of the most anticipated celebrations of classic and exotic automobiles in the world. www.seemonterey.com
August 11 Tide Pool Roving
Asilomar Beach is the pace where state parks staff helps you discover and identify some of the animals and plants that call the tide pools “home” www.parks.ca.gov
Twilight Cycle Ride
INT Celebrates 50,000 Rides
Pedal around the 11-turn, 2.238mile race track highlighted by the legendary Corkscrew that drops an equivalent of over five stories. weathertechraceway.com
West End Celebration
West Coast Songwriters
Hosted by Downtown Book & Sound for one of the oldest and most active songwriter organizations in the world. Come perform, watch, listen and be a part of something really cool. westcoastsongwriters.org
August 15-Sep 22 Beauty and the Beast
The classic story of how to learn to love and accept love comes to life at the outdoor Forest Theater. www.pacrep.org
August 17 Concours D’Lemons
Our favorite event during CarWeek. Hoopties, rust buckets, misfits, mistakes and the worst of the automotive world will be on display and as always, judges will be accepting bribes for the thrift store sourced trophies. www.24hoursoflemons.com
August 16 National Tell a Joke Day
This day will be filled with smiles and laughter from morning till night as everyone shares their favorite jokes. Tell a joke, listen to a joke, laugh, celebrate, have fun and enjoy.
Sand City hosts the 18th year of the best free street party in the county. Two days of music, food, art, culture and mayhem headlined by Michael Nesmith and the First National Band. westendcelebration.com
August 24-Sep 14 Of Mice and Men
Western Stage presents John Steinbeck’s classic commentary on the social climate at the time in 1958, which still resonates today. It speaks to the condition of the homeless, powerless and neglected people in a manner that compels us to look again at their plight. www.westernstage.com
August 24 Lewis Black
This funny guy rolls into town with a new show ‘Unprepared” The audience will supply ideas for him to turn in to comedy on the spot. Best known as an actor, radio and TV host, comedian and bestselling author. www.goldenstatetheatre.com
August 29- Sep 2 Monterey County Fair
High Tides and Carnival Rides is this year’s theme. The fair shows off the best of family friendly entertainment. Concerts, food, rides, exhibits, animals, crafts and people you only see once a year. montereycountyfair.com
August 31- Sep 1
Back for his annual rant on just about anything but the kitchen sink. Critically acclaimed stand up, actor and author. www.goldengatetheatre.com
Transportation is the #1 need for seniors. ITNMontereyCounty has delivered over 55,000 rides since its inception to our area in 2012. How cool is it to throw a party to celebrate in the new showroom of BMW of Monterey. ITNAmerica founder Katherine Freund will attend. Free community event. itnmontereycounty.org
The Greek culture is rich and the food delicious. Experience a slice of history this weekend at Portal Plaza. www.mbgreekfestival.com
August 25 Jewish Food Fest
This yearly food and cultural event brings out the best in culinary treats, crafts and a wedding. www.carmelbethisrael.org
Answers from page 19
An editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering Car Week in Monterey when they stumbled upon a lamp on the beach. They rub the lamp and a genie appears. “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.” The photographer said, “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas.” The genie granted him his wish. The journalist went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off. “And what would your wish be?” the gene asked the editor. “I want them both back after lunch. The deadline for tomorrow’s newspaper is in about ten hours.
Answers from page 23
Guide to Local Businesses & Services DIVORCE Aﬀordable Divorces
We can help you get it done timely, respectfully and without the high cost of an attorney. 22 years of proven success. 831.443.6509 aﬀordabledivorces.com
TAX PREPARER Nancy C. Callahan, CPA, EA
Eﬃcient, Respected and Experienced. IRS problems? Call for solutions. 831.625.4272
CA TRAVEL BOOKS
Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
Trinkle Real Estate
HOME CARE S&J Homecare
Available on short notice. We will take good care of your loved one. Expanded services include pet care, light housekeeping and errands. Excellent references. CPR certiﬁed. 831.277.8780
Attention to Detail Florida is the place to be. Aﬀordable, warm ocean, great roads, no state income tax. 806.206.8179 www.trinklereality.com RE license # BK3240757 CERAMICS
APPLIANCE REPAIR Jeﬀ’s Appliance Repair & Service
In home service and repair. Available for emergencies seven days a week. Residential and commercial. Courteous, punctual and cleans up. 831.7472036
PHONE REPAIR Fix It All
Cell Phones, tablets, PC’s & Audio Devices.Fast, Convenient,Aﬀordable. Del Monte Center 831.38.4851
WIN Dinner for Two at Black Bear Diner 831.648.1038
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
TYPEWRITER REPAIR Wallace Oﬃce Machines Second generation and last of its kind. I repair and sell all types of typewriters. Accepting commercial accounts. 831.422.3707
To Advertise on Top Notch: Email email@example.com or call 831.648.1038
The Best in
,C sed ons ign R e p urpo m en t s , Vintage & T h rif t !
Proceeds support local Habitat for Humanity programs. We accept donations of new and used building material, furniture, tools, appliances and hardware.
SPCA Benefit Shop Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org
PacRepâ€™s Neverland Benefit Shop 443 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.641.7199 neverlandshop.org
Downtown Books & Sound 222 Main St. Oldtown Salinas 831.435.4636 downtownbooksandsound.com
Choose Your Treasure 211 Pearl St. Downtown Monterey 831.747.1633
Last Chance Mercantile MRWMD 14201 Del Monte Blvd. Marina 831.384.5313 www.mrwmd.org
Habitat ReStore 4230 Gigling Road, Marina 831.272.4830 habitatmontereybay.org