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May 2019

Event Calendar » Pg. 26


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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead...........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool...........................Susie Q. Art Fool.........................Mama Morgan Intern Fool...........................Cynthia P.

Contributors

Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Dana Larabee, Stephanie, Mary Tompsett

Cartoonists

Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks A few weeks ago, we received an email from the marketing team of our business district. The content was to tell us that there was going to be more roadwork and thanks to Measure P, major streets would be improved. I’m all for improvement but why can’t these guys work at night? Why is it that the shortest distance between two points during the day always under construction? The majority of these guys are used to standing around watching a few of their co-workers actually doing something and don’t seem to mind that we notice. It would be less obvious at night when most of us are tucked away in our homes that this may be the reason why a two day job is completed in two weeks. When they said that this may affect commuters they really meant it is going to snarl traffic and your normal short commute will remind you what it would feel like if you moved back to the Bay Area so quit whining! I want to apologize for that rant. I’m usually a very positive person and I see the good in most things. It’s too easy to get caught up in negative stuff and I have to remind myself that there is more good than

bad in the world even if the news sources try to tell us otherwise. As a matter of fact, I was excited to accompany a couple who were going to buy their first house. I was invited because I knew a few things about home buying. I also knew a few things about losing a house through divorce and another is a landslide. The house was on the market for an unusually long time and the real estate agent was enthusiastic and raring to make a sale. She offered to share not only the great features of the house but opened up about the minuses too. The house sat on a big lot, was well built and the rooms were spacious. It even has a partial basement. What was not to like? She smiled brightly like she had a lick of sense when she informed them that a few blocks to the east was an organic farm so you always will know which direction the wind is blowing. Always think positive!

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 831.648.1038 • www.foolishtimes.net


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NEW ARRIVALS

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2G Buy

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FREE

NEW COUPLES PRIVATE THEATER BOOTH

Presenting Sponsor & Official After Party Host The Jade Lounge would like to invite you to

MAIN FESTIVAL TICKETS

06 JULY

2019

WHEN

18 YEARS OF GREAT BEER CELEBRATING

12:30–5PM

MONTEREY COUNTY FAIR & EVENT CENTER

(831) 372-5863

heritage@montereycountyfair.com The Monterey Beer Festival Benefits the 501c3 non profit Monterey County Fair Heritage Foundation

The Line Up 11:45–1:15 PM DJ Fredo 1:45–3:15 PM 3:45–5:00 PM All in One Band

$45.00 in advance or $50.00 at the gate. Admission includes souvenir tasting glass Designated Driver Tickets available: $20.00 SPECIAL VIP AREA! $70.00 in advance or $80.00 at the gate. Beat the crowd and come in early at 11:30 am to enjoy the VIP area, Souvenir tasting glass, Private Bathrooms and complimentary food!

FESTIVAL AND TICKET INFO www.montereybeerfestival.com


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LATE NIGHT

BREAKFAST

WINE

Denny’s

First Awakenings

Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge. Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations

Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!

FAST FOOD

...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

ITALIAN

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345

JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624

PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. 831.375.9581 grovemarketgrocery.com


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A group of foreign tourists were in a downtown Carmel bar and one of them wouldn’t stop whistling. The bartender ends up asking him, “Why don’t you stop whistling?” The man replies, “It’s to keep tigers away.” The bartender tells him, “But there are no tigers in America!” The man responds, “Proof that it works!” Tony and Sara are the owners and your hosts at The Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor


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By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier

Everybody gets it that you’re courageous enough to hold the sky! Rumor has it, it’s a bit fatiguing. Question is were you on a scenic drive or witness to a murder, or was that a mutter? What side of the story are you on West side or East? I guess in this case what matters is what you are willing to utter.

“Here Ye! Here Ye! A great crowd of courtiers and servants are intoxicated from your exuberant gooblie goo-ie-ness. They respond with buffoonery hoping to engage and gain your approval. When you are a pet you are a pet all the way from your first Kingy pooh to your last Queenie day.

Make it not be true that blowing your nose on your sleeve is an optimistic option for you. I know you’ve stuck to your own kind... of manner, your signature sway, your right-of-way and all a fair fight. You’ve made it thus far without losing your shirt, so stop sniveling ‘cause you’re the boss, just an arm’s length away.

You planted yourself on the other team’s turf, so be it! Even just a word can do that. Snap, snap out of it. You are in an advanced state of shock! Use the back door just this once, consider it an intermission to high definition. Switch to whistling cues when you’re on the outside and remember the simple rule: Keep off the grass.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull

Dependable from your first pirouette until your last dying day! Which is thicker your head or that accent you put on situations that don’t directly affect you. Let the heads twirl where they may and carefully surmise what it is that you really want! Then Go-Go! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins

Psst! Gem-Mambo...You arethe Top Cat in town so let’s get crackin’ by dressing up sweet and sharp. Life is only a dance! Best to see LIFE as de big picture, udder-wise your scurrying knee deep in the Poopla! Hows ‘bout some lousy goat cheese & soda pop for your birthday?! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab

Honest Ernest Hemingway, a Cancer just like you was loyal as a door in your face. You gotta love that kind of trueness. You may call upon your war/love council for this next chapter. Because you’re drifting diagonally towards a steamboat that you can get on or get lost!

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin

Your sublime conscientiousness has extended the longest day of the year into an all day sucker. Your painstaking big decision has blocked the night and left some of us more rumpus bumpus fools searching for the morning star to guide us someday, somewhere, somehow to tomorrow! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales

Beat the crud out a dem! How charming waving rocks, belts, bricks, blades & guns to claim your side of the street. Perhaps, finding a new way of living, a new way of forgiving all those ruckus out of balance fools may be just the bullet to bite. Call it a work in progress. Now beat it!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat

There’s a Rumble! And it’s not in your stomach. You’ve got a rocket in your pocket ready to bust like a hot water pipe! Steady now, steadiness is your strength... Unwind, easy does it, play it cool. Accepting your limitations keeps you well protected. Tap into that good deep inside you and Pow Pow out of danger.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes

M-a-r-i-a, Maria say it softly and it’s almost like praying...or is it Mariah? Either way society will always be plagued with decisions such as these. Your special business is compassion, but for now minus the “com”. You need to amp it up-kick it, stick it, drop it, f*ck it! How wonderful a sound can be. Listen if Chino can shop @ Chico’s, you can certainly own your hour of power and make your imagination reel!

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion

Who knows...something’s coming...something good, just by holding still you can touch your excitement. Keep your hands visible though, you’re in public view. Romeo & Juliet, Tony & Maria eventually evolved into the party of Bob, Carol, Ted, & Alice, no doubt there is a place for all of us.

On Mother’s Day, I opened a gift from my husband and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the new cutting boards I thought were going to be an iPad.


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Plays Well With “OTHERS”

By Robyn Justo Years ago, I fell in love with a cottage in a 100-year old mansion in Auburn. It had so much character and history that every nook and cranny seemed to have a story.  The gal who was renting it before I took occupancy wanted to talk to me before she let it go.  Kind of an odd request, but I met with her. “I just wanted to be sure of the next person,” she said. “Are you ok with not being alone here?”  She smiled. I smiled back. “I’m fine with that,” somehow sensing what she meant.  She went on to describe how she would play jazz at night and

hear footsteps of people dancing in the next room but no one was there. In my opinion, spirit roomies are sometimes the best kind if they behave. There was only one time that I had any issues and that was when I had been gone on a short trip and returned to find a broken light switch and a very heavy plaque that had somehow flown itself across the room, along with a tapestry that was now hanging at half-mast from my wall. What the hell? “Ok,” I said sternly. “Not ok. You can be here, but no breaking things and no temper tantrums!” 

I was always known to play well with others. Maybe they missed me while I was gone, but the phenomena stopped after I set my boundaries.  People could feel something in one of the rooms that soon earned its new name “The Portal.”  3,000 births and deaths had happened there as the mansion had previously been a hospital, an old folks home and a sanitarium. Worked for me. But if you think about it, unless a place is brand spanking new, it has some sort of (and maybe sordid) history. It has the memories and energies of people who have lived, loved, hated, married, divorced, yelled, made love, had kids and whatever else humans do.  Sometimes when I go to a hotel, I have to block all of this out. I mean think of all of the people who have been there. Ewwww.  Now I live in Pacific Grove and a lot of the dwellings in town were built in the late 1800s.  Lucky me. I found one that I loved recently and moved right in.    I soon found out the history of the place. It had been a prison

which was ok since I lived in Folsom for a while and it didn’t bother me one bit. My neighbor disclosed that the place was haunted and that during a renovation a few years back, they had discovered bones and no one reported it. Great. She also said that other people who had rented it had experienced disrupted sleep. I giggled because I sleep like a rock here.  Maybe I get along with the disembodied better than I do the bodied ones. They don’t take up much space or make a lot of noise, and they don’t eat much so you don’t have to cook for them or answer to them, you don’t have to shave your legs for them and they don’t add to the power bill.  If I can teach them to refrain from shaking things from the walls, maybe they will be willing to teach me how to walk through them. No bones about it.  I’m good. 

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. Mothers clean them.

I told my kids on Mother’s Day I wanted to be pampered – so they bought me some diapers.


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By Daria James

California isn’t California without you, love It has been almost five years since I moved to the East Coast. At first, I was afraid, I was petrified, kept thinking I could never live without you by my side… and by now you probably realized I was surviving my way here. However, I too, grew strong and learnt how to get along. California is a place I consider dear to my heart. San Diego was the first place in America I called home. The stars aligned just right and I began my American transformation, for I had a dream, and I dreamed it for me. I adopted the California stateof-mind, much like the New York State of mind, but better. I thought America was California all over the west, then Texas and some random states in the middle nobody cares about and New York City on the east coast. I did everything within my power to remain, but in the end accepted our fate. After all, changes are for food good. If you live in California, you are probably thinking I am crazy right now. How could I abandon the burritos of my life? Why would I trade the weather and the ocean for anything that is not the weather and the ocean? Oh, the humanity! Well, sure, the first year was rough (like your mother liked it last night. Classics never go out of style). I too, thought that I would crumble; nonetheless, I did not lay down and die. Au contraire, standing and thriving I remain. Truth is, there is life after California. California was

a fun first boyfriend or girlfriend (because why limit ourselves) who makes you feel crazy in love with their spontaneity but then one day you wake up sober and no longer see them through the eyes of adoration. You realize they drink too much, and have no goals or interest in growing up. They are content with their current life, yet bask in their own ignorance with a holier than thou attitude.

California was a fun first boyfriend or girlfriend who makes you feel crazy in love with their spontaneity. The other day I was feeling a bit nostalgic and through the wonderful world wide web I tuned in a Southern California radio station and could not stand the conversation the DJs were having. They were complaining about how “bad” the weather had been lately and how no amount of money would make them move to another state. Then a metaphorical cold bucket of water hit me. Was I like that before? It was like Neo waking up in that slime tub in the Matrix. I had an apologetic feeling and wanted to call my friends living in other states. I had been a jerk. Then the feeling passed and I waved it goodbye. I am not entirely sorry. I had my fun all those winters. I made fun of them while they were being hit with snowstorms and I was wearing shorts in January. Because I am me. I googled

California DJ salary and I would not move back to California for that pay. Booyah! Reverse Californiaed you! (That is a word) I have gone back to visit since my departure. Last time I was there I felt like a stranger. I walked the streets I used to walk and ate at the places I used to frequent, yet, I felt like a guest, a stranger in paradise even. I no longer felt at home. Home is where the heart is and my heart has moved on, perhaps I am only saying this because the winter is over and I will go back to missing California in December (we all have moments of weakness), but you will not read me cry. For the longest time, California was my utopia. Today is a collection of fun filled memories and lessons learned. I miss some people there, but we have social media. Today, I know there is more to life than perfect weather, the beaches, sun-kissed tan,

Zarape Taco Shop, In-N-Out, the boardwalks, Taco Tuesdays, Wings-N-Things, Santa Monica, Coronado Beach, Venice Beach, Carmel, Pacific Beach ... what was is I talking about? Oh, yeah. The strong adapt and overcome, either that, or remain mediocre, but hey, at least you got the weather going. I believe in taking opportunities to better ourselves, take different paths, and broaden our horizons. When I look back, it is not in anger. Stepping out of my comfort zone was a challenge, but I am glad I did. I feel great. I continue to learn and welcome change. Excitement does not come when we do not take risks. Shout out to CSA in Pacific Beach.


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Monday Morning Maze Monday 7 - 9 am

Featuring stimulating conversations with various community leaders & you.

Parishioner Goes to Church in Chicago A parishioner heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, so he decided to go and check them out in person. As soon as he sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to him. Rev. Sharpton laid his hands on the man’s shoulder and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty and the will of God, you will walk today.” The man said he was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: “By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today.” Again, the man said that there was nothing wrong with him. After the sermon, he stepped outside and lo and behold, they were right.  His car was stolen.

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: Freezer Bags They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Photocopiers These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

Tires Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated Hot Air Balloons Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. Sponges These are female, because they are soft, squeezable, and retain water. Web Pages Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

PLUS

The Vossenova Show Friday 7 - 10 pm

Featuring the Greatest Music of all time with Vossenova, World’s Greatest & without a doubt the most Loveable DJ you’ll ever meet in your whole entire life.

All of this & more on the one and only...

Trains Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. Egg Timers Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. Hammers Male, because in the last 5,000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. The Remote Control Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Over the 'Air' at 19.4 On the Net at KMBYTV.com Coming soon on your cell phone too.

For more information contact Jim Vossen Jim@TheChamberOffice.org 831.236.5994 • 831.394.6501 An enterprising partnership with the Seaside, Sand City, Del Rey Oaks and Monterey Chambers of Commerce


11 Q: What stops then goes then stops then goes? A: A blonde at a blinking red light. Q: Did you hear about Pepsi’s new soda just for blondes? A: It has open other end printed on the bottom.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade four. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: “Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?” Q: Why won’t they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q: How do you keep a blonde in

suspense? A: I’ll tell you tomorrow. Q: Why can’t the blonde make ice cubes? A: She lost the recipe. Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it? A: With a thought. Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: How does a blond know if she’s on her way home or on her way to work? A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it. Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the door.

Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears? A: They’re refueling.

Q: How do all the oceans say hello to each other? They wave!

Q: Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio? A: She didn’t want one for nights.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!

Q: What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? A: Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Q: Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet? A: She was last year’s hide and seek winner. Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water? A: A blonde trying to put it out. Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A: To get chocolate milk. Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC? A: A dumb terminal.

Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling! Q: Why are elephants so wrinkled? Because they take too long to iron! Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging? Take away her credit card! Q: Why did the elephant paint himself different colors? So he could hide in the crayon box! Q: What is the difference between elephants and grapes? Grapes are purple.

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children.’

I bet Mother’s Day gets really awkward and confusing on Game of Thrones.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!


STOP THE PRESS

12

Stop the press, hold the phone and hang on tight. Comedy is back in Monterey. The Jade Lounge, formerly Planet Gemini in Monterey is bringing in top talent starting with a show headlined by Kabir ‘Kabeezy’ Singh On May 9th. The venue is under new ownership and is going to be the crown jewel of the North Fremont Business District with nightly live entertainment along with great food and cocktails. ‘Kabeezy’ is one of the rising stars on the comedy circuit and if you haven’t heard of him, you’re in for a treat. He offers a cleverly delivered set on his life experiences and the culture clashes of being an Indian American in America. He has a high-energy, crowd-pleasing approach with in-your-face attitude and razor-sharp wit. He has been busy touring and is fresh off his “Comedy Central” Debut on the hit comedy show “Gabriel Iglesias’s Stand-Up Revolution”. Q: You were born in Oregon and your family moved to Bombay when you were a child. That seems backwards. A: Yes. My Dad became a really successful CEO in America when I was about eight. The Indian government contacted my Dad and offered him a contract to run a company for them that exports goods from all around to world to India. So we moved to Bombay. They put us in the nicest area

in the nicest school district. It made Portland look like the third world country. Honestly it made everywhere else we lived that that look like a third world country to all of our surprise! The lifestyle for the middle class over there absolutely trashed the lifestyle of the middle class in America. The middle class and upper middle class generally as their own multiple drivers, maids, cooks and you live in a pretty decent size house. It was by far one of the best two-three years of my life.   Q: Why was comedy important growing up? A: Comedy was important growing up because I was able to use is it as a crutch to make friends. Who doesn’t like to laugh right? It’s the easiest way to fit in and I used it as a tool to be included by groups at school. And be likeable to the ladies of course. 

Q: You did voice on an episode of Family Guy when Brian and Stewie go to India to meet a tech support woman. How was that experience? A: It was a blast working with Family Guy. That episode in particular I got to voice a few Indian characters in the episode and it was really cool doing so. It is one of my favorite episodes.

Q: What were some of the oddest places you’ve played? A: I think when I headliner Glasgow in the UK was pretty odd. They spoke English and so did I but we couldn’t understand each other. Wait, they understood me because they have America TV but I had no idea what they were saying after the show. But it was an amazing experience.

Q: Outsourced Comedy Tour with other Indian comedians. Traveling internationally. A: Outsourced Comedy tour is awesome. There are four of us and we get to travel to sold-out venues all around. It’s a fantastic show for people of all backgrounds and its so fun traveling with each other. We get to explore cities we would usually not go to, eat great food and meet super cool people. The shows are always top notch and we have a blast doing it.

Q: Are you going to end your show with Bollywood music and dance routine? A: No of course not...Who does that? lol. Tickets and info at www.thejadelounge.com and at the door

Q: Why is comedy important now? A: Comedy is important because it’s how I make my living so it’s more of a job now but I wouldn’t call it work. I enjoy every second of it. Q: You’ve won numerous comedy competitions including the S.F. International Comedy Competition. A: Winning the S.F. International comedy competition really helped me get on the map. If you have seen the past winners and finalists you can see why that was such a big deal. 

Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife has been moody lately and her doctor says she is going through menopause. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way, menopause will be listed as the cause on my death certificate.”


13 RATED

S DESTROY

PG

PRETTY GOOD!

Written and Illustrated by

Dana B. Larrabee

dalar ents@gmail.com

Previously:

Lester Krasse’s presentation to Monster Mart CEO Malcolm D. Monster and marketing director Jerry Peterson is dying-- until a real live Tyrannosaurus Rex pursues a teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office. Assuming the dinosaur is part of the presentation, Mr. Monster promises Krasse a two million dollar contract to deliver the creature for the grand opening of his new Salinas store. The media and military arrive, but the Army’s cannon fire proves ineffective and the creature leaps from the rooftop, still clutching the teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Oldtown, Salinas before moving on to a residential area where Sheriff’s deputies strike out with tear gas. Undaunted, Krasse arranges a commercial with a phoney dinosaur...

“Your dinosaur demo is on the way,” Krasse gleefully informed Mr. Monster over the phone. “Tape should be in your hands tomorrow. You understand it’s not really a finished commercial,” he explained a little nervously. “But it will give your people an idea how the dinosaur will look.” “Yes, that’s important. Very important,” Mr. Monster replied. “‘Cause your monster is what customers will see at the store come opening day.” “The store?” The cigarette dangling from Krasse’s lip slipped and fell. “You want the dinosaur at the store?” “Of course, Lester! That creature of yours will be the Monster Mart trademark--- our corporate logo. So a personal appearance is absolutely vital to our deal.” “Vital, huh?” Krasse thought a moment. “Sure, okay. I guess we can arrange that.” “Super! And don’t you worry none, Lester. I’ll sign your contract soon’s we see that tape. I know it’s gonna be a humdinger!” He hung up. Krasse replaced the receiver and discovered the Episode 6 fallen cigarette burning a hole in his pants. “Rats!” he "The Windbreaker" grumbled and brushed away the ash. No way he’d wear that costume again. He lit another cigarette and inhaled nervously. I’ll line up some high school kid for should do a live broadcast from Monster Mart openthat he was thinking, when the phone rang. ing day.” “Lester, darling,” a sultry female voice purred. From her briefcase, she withdrew the proposals “How’ve you been?” she’d prepared. Krasse stared across the table at her “Um-- uh, okay,” he answered. “Who is this?” in a daze. One at a time, he picked up each sheet, “Why, it’s me, Sue Foxx with KTOM radio. I thought and while Sue rambled on about KTOM’s ad plan, he we might have lunch and talk about a promotion for slowly folded and pocketed each one without taking that monster-ous new client of yours.” his eyes off her. “We’ll give you Tommy Kaye,” she “How’d you know?” Krasse was thunderstruck. concluded, “our best announcer. What do you think?” The woman laughed. “You know what they say, “Oh, I like it,” Krasse replied, nodding. “But I have to Lester; it’s a small world. Why don’t you join me for run it by their marketing guy.” He grinned nervously. lunch at the Windbreaker and chat a bit? I haven’t “Gosh, Sue, it’s great seeing you.” seen you in ages.” “It’s great to be seen,” she quipped with a smile. “You’re on, Sue. See you there.” He replaced the “And tell him we can arrange a giant Croaker Cola receiver and chuckled. Obviously the word was out he display and give away free soda-pop during the had landed the Monster Mart account. Krasse always broadcast.” had a soft spot for Sue and had even asked her out “Free Croaker Cola? Sure, I’ll definitely pass it on.” a few times. She’d always been too busy before, but “Thanks, Lester. You’re a peach!” now things were different. This could be the best thing They ordered lunch and gossiped about the people that ever happened to him. they knew in media. Sue had been representing When Krasse arrived at the Windbreaker, Sue KTOM for years and knew everyone in advertising. was nowhere in sight, so he got a table and smoked She had dark auburn hair, lively blue eyes and was a cigarette until KTOM’s star sales rep flounced in. what you’d call a knockout in her knit dress. So Krasse After exchanging pleasantries with the maitre d’, she was disappointed when she abruptly called the waiter kissed the ad man on the cheek and slid in behind over and asked for the check. the table. “Sorry, Lester, but I have to fly, guy!” she explained “Sorry I’m late, Lester, sweetie,” she began. “I’ve while signing for their luncheon. “I’m late for my one just come from a station meeting, and we think you o’clock!” She flashed him a smile and glided out from #6-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

the table. “I’ll call you,” she trilled, heading for the door. “Ta-de taaa...!” Krasse finished his steak and was preparing to leave when a familiar voice called his name from the bar. “Hey, Lester! Come join us, man!” It was Rodney Speck with Alan Rypoff. The sales manager waved. Krasse smiled and sauntered over. He knew what was afoot. They were buttering him up to get Monster Mart on KAKA TV. Rypoff handed a full glass to the ad man, and the two TV people raised theirs to toast his success. “Hey, congrats on the new Monster Mart account!” Rypoff went on. “Quite a coup, I must say!” Why not? Krasse decided he’d earned a little special treatment, especially after being deserted by Sue. He raised his glass and all three downed their drinks. “Thanks, guys,” Krasse said amicably. “Oh, and listen, we might do a live radio broadcast from the store opening day. What would that cost on TV? I’m thinking about a simulcast.” Rypoff’s eyes lit up. “I’ll put together a proposal and shoot you the figures tomorrow.” He waved to get the bartender’s attention. “Another round for us, okay?” Krasse plunked himself down on the bar stool by Rypoff. “Make mine a double!” he said. “We’re celebrating!” Next issue:

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14

The only thing I plan to do for 50 years is to live that long. Our school days end, relationships fade, and we’re not the same person we see in the mirror. One thing that has endured with the same face, friends and community involvement is Grove Market in Pacific Grove.They are celebrating the 50th anniversary with future plans for their 100th. This doesn’t happen by mistake. It’s a mix of great quality, service and community led by a guy who is still in love with what he does and the place he goes to do it. This story doesn’t start with a generation that passed through the doors of Grove Market years ago or the second and third that still shop there. It goes back much further. Charlie Higuera started working in the Forest Hill Store meat department at the tender age of 14. The store was located in the spot that was Fifi’s Bistro Cafe and later built what is now Trader Joe’s. A few years later, he enlisted in the Marines and served as a meat cutter during the war in Korea. Upon coming back to the Monterey Bay, he secured his old position at the Forest Hill Store. A few years

later, he purchased the store’s meat department. In 1969, Charlie sold his share in the meat department and with business partner, Dwight Langley purchased the Super Save Market and renamed it Grove Market. Dwight retired in 1998. How do you survive and continue to thrive for 50 years in a small community where at one time there were five independent rival grocery stores and now has four chain stores? For starters, don’t change what works. Service, selection, price, people, quality and philanthropy are the foundations to the success. To be competitive, grocery stores feature ‘new’ services that the folks at Grove Market have been doing for the past 50 years. Delivered groceries, personal shopping and bringing in products their clientele request are not new to the staff and shoppers at Grove. Long hours and dedication were a given. Charlie is past the time where he still works every day but his dedication and work ethic has never left the building. Working at Grove Market was a treasured part time job for the youth of Pacific Grove and supplied their first work experience. Many have gone on the careers that are also meaningful to the community. All four of Charlie’s children worked in the store. Kate has

been there since she was 13 years old. She started as the gal who scraped gum off the floor and bagged groceries and a few years later was promoted to checker. She has done every job in the market and is now the person who handles the day to day operation and book keeping. “I miss being on the floor and the customers that I know. I’ve seen women who were one day pregnant and then next their kids were graduating from high school. Time goes by so fast and life is short.” Charlie’s personal passion is golf. His brother was the pro at Monterey Pines when it was the old Navy course. The store has clubs hanging on the interior of the store. Ask him and he’ll tell you stories of each club. Charlie carves out time to play once a week, and when asked about what his handicap is, his response was,

‘My girlfriend.’ Pacific Grove is an interesting place. Some call it ‘the end of the world,’ others, ‘the land that time forgot.’ This author has his own special name for it: Toontown. When you go through the tunnel entering New Monterey, there are flying animated characters to greet you. As you enter Pacific Grove, you meet up with the characters’ families and the place they live. This is the time to make Grove Market your destination. The store sits on hallowed grounds and is one of the places you can feel appreciated and normal. Join the family and all their county-wide friends and shoppers for a BBQ, raffle, music and family entertainment on May 25. Come share a story and celebrate 50 wonderful years and the beginning of the plans for their 100th anniversary.


15

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16

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feel the good vibration and laidback positive atmosphere unlike most festivals. The music preaches and teaches a lifestyle of love and getting along. They featured

This year, the California Roots Festival celebrates their 10th year of brining world class reggae music and a lifetime memorable experience for festival attendees. Dan Sheenen, the Cali Roots mastermind, comments, “It’s year 10 and we are pulling out all the stops. We are always trying to outdo the year before. Not an easy task.” This year’s three day happening is scheduled for May 24-26 and what better way to kick off the festival season in Monterey County. After years of wanting to attend, we finally made it to last year’s show. Full disclosure, Stevie P. is my Dad and made sure I fulfilled this goal. We go to the show and stay with him and he gets to hang out with our daughter Iris for three days. We get the better end of the deal although he may think differently. We made the four hour trip from Rocklin and pre-gamed by listening to Atmosphere and Stick Figure on the way. Pulling up to the fairgrounds, you could

many different breweries, including local favorite, Altamont Beerworks. We met people from all over the world who instantly become our friends who are no different from us. People smile and exchange warm ‘hellos’ and no one is a stranger. It’s good to know that in this turbulent political time, we can all agree that we need more festivals like CaliRoots. Over the past 10 years, Dan Sheenen and his wife Amy have sought out Reggae and Roots music that were, “And also appearing” that are now world class headliners. This isn’t by accident. This year’s lineup

is insanely solid and offers something for everyone. I was surprised to find out that the event being located in Monterey started as, “just the need to fill a void. Something to showcase the American reggae scene,” Sheenen informed me. We can all agree that Monterey has its own majestic beauty plus the history of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and The Who performing at the same venue adds just a little something to it. The event is about the music but don’t be fooled to think it starts and stops there. Ben ‘Good Vibes’ Spellman

travels from Des Moines, Iowa to generate positive energy at the morning yoga session. What better way to open up and start the day. Throughout the venue, live art abounds and has been featured at all 10 events. Painting workshops are available at the Art Retreat. Multi-colored lights drape the oak trees illuminating the venue with a soft glow. The newly named Jade Lounge, formerly Planet Gemini hosts

17 pre and after parties starting Thursday night. There will be no shortage of music this weekend. Cell charging stations, bike and skate valet and shuttles from Laguna Seca Campgrounds are available, and public transportation with MST CaliRoots has worked hard with their commitment to be a zero waste event. This couldn’t happen without the collaborative effort and cooperation of the festival attendees, vendors and local organization, Blue Strike Environmental. In 2012, at the third annual event, Sheenen was horrified at the amount of plastic cups strewn around the fairgrounds. At that moment, the Cali Roots Steel Pint Program was born and diverted 250,000 cups from our landfill. There are easy to find free water filling stations and it is encouraged to bring your own refillable bottle. In 2017, the festival first partnered with the Redwood Forest Foundation, committing to plant two redwood trees for event Redwood )VIP) tickets sold. This year, 2000 seedlings will be planted with some being planted on land ravaged by recent wildfires. Bring your sunscreen, blanket, reusable bottle, hula hoop and dancing shoes to this year’s best weekend you will ever spend in Monterey. We’ll be showing up with friends who, from our testimonial of last year’s show are excited to make their way with us to Monterey. This story was sent to the Foolish Times editor and my Dad probably won’t see it until it goes to press. Sorry Dad for the late notice but there will be extra people staying at your house this year.  Thanks for the good vibes and understanding.


18

DILLIGS!?

By Mary Tompsett

SPRINGTIME MAYHEM

And another thing: Why do we have a national holiday celebrating mayonnaise?? Cinco de Mayo should reach out to include other condiments, like ketchup and mustard, maybe pickle relish. Just a thought. Such expectations can get us into trouble. And what can we do when expectations are shattered? Let the sanest voice in our head holler, “Cleanup in Aisle Five!” and then move on. That said, I invite you now to join me and all my voices as we ladle out the juicy chunks of wisdom that have settled to the bottom of this pot I call DILLIGS?! (Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!)

The first miracle is that the kid chose chestcompression instead of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. QUESTION: My niece moved to the town of Effingham, Illinois. Is the name British in origin? DILLIGS: By Jove, I daresay it’s not bloody likely. My research has revealed that in 1853 the early settlement had a small restaurant with a limited menu of beef, chicken or ham. The woman in charge was a surly mackabroin. Anyway, a guy orders the beef but she says they’re sold out. So he says he’ll have the chicken. Nope, that’s gone too. The guy frowns, but before he can speak, she declares, “So, the ‘effing’ ham it is.”

QUESTION: I work for a coffin and burial urn company and our current staff meetings focus on redoing our PR materials and mission statement. Any suggestions? DILLIGS: Considering the narrow market niche you have, namely, DEATH, you’d do well with a catchy name, something like “Grin and Bury It”; “Coffins ’n Cookie Jars”; or perhaps “The Cozy Cadaver.” Mission statements are best kept simple. If you insist on a longer blurb, just mix nouns such as Service, Integrity and Quality with a few punchy verbs from a travel brochure. Otherwise, you can expect staff meetings filled with endless nitpicking discussion. Strive to make the mission statement short and clear. Example: “We’ll do anything for an ‘effing’ profit.” The most important thing to remember is that mission statement and missionary position are completely different animals. Better to cut your tongue out than mistakenly begin a staff meeting with, “Okay, Gladys, let’s hear your ideas on improving the missionary position!”

QUESTION: I heard in the news that cops witnessed a boy saving a squirrel’s life with CPR. Can you comment on these everyday miracles? DILLIGS: Never fear, dear reader, for I can and will comment on anything. The first miracle is that the kid chose chest-compression instead of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. This smart move led to more miracles: No squirrel bites. No rabies. No danger of entangling the sharp squirrel teeth with his braces. No costly dental extraction of a rodent; thus, no insurance hassle over stupidity being an uncovered pre-existing condition. Want more miracles? The kid didn’t try to launch the Heimlich Maneuver on a choking hippo! Let us pause for a moment and toy with that image. Now consider this: a genuine madefor-Hollywood miracle would be if the boy had performed a tracheotomy—on a flailing giraffe—using his Swiss Army knife, the low-end basic model with no “effing” surgical tools. Copyright ©2019

TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning

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1 Hour


By Ted Gargiulo

CELL’S BELLS

Dupe Cellular, Inc. Two Shoes, Nebraska Attn: Customer Service Dear Mr. Service:   My wife and I are abysmally dissatisfied with your products. As per the terms of our 30-day risk-free trial, we’re returning both our cell phones in their original boxes and trust that you will favor us with a complete and speedy refund. For starters, my device, the Doofus Delux Dip-Flack Funster, was defective the day it arrived. It has no functioning display whatsoever, other than a dark vertical line against a white

screen, making it impossible for me to navigate, program or perform any adjustments to the unit. I can make and receive calls, but I can’t see what I’m doing. Also, the phone’s battery loses power after less than a day’s use. I charge it all night, switch it on the next day, make one or two brief calls around noon, and by evening the device has already switched itself off. Naturally, I can’t check the battery while the phone is on because the bleepin’ screen is blank! The Doofus Funster has another infuriating quirk: a white strobe that flashes incessantly the moment I boot it up. From what I can decipher from the

user’s manual (which is entirely in Spanish), the strobe indicates a message or missed call. How they got there is a mystery, seeing how nobody knows my number. By holding the “numero uno” key, I’m supposed to able to access these messages—assuming, of course, that this demented gizmo had a screen that WORKED, so I could SEE to delete them. Short of whacking the blame thing with a wrench, there’s no way to stop it from flashing. It’s making me crazy! That, plus hearing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” every time some fool I never met sends me a text I can’t read, or find. Couldn’t you have programmed a better ringtone? I’d pick a new one from the menu, but I can’t find that either! Far as I’m concerned, you can chuck this Funster in the dumpster!

My wife sounds like she swallowed a canary when she talks on it. She says I sound drunk. My wife’s Fleecer Frugalstück phone works, but it’s nothing like the model she saw online. She wanted one with large, raised keys that were easy to read. These are flat and tiny, with palegray digits set against a palegray background. (Whose ingenious design was this?) Even with a magnifying glass, the woman can’t tell one key

19 from another. She’s constantly hitting the wrong ones and waking up strangers in other time zones. Furthermore, the fidelity on both our devices sucks. My wife sounds like she swallowed a canary when she talks on it. She says I sound drunk. Why do our friends all have smart phones that stream movies, download apps, play games and surf the Internet, while we’re stuck with two stupid ones that barely do squat? I’ll tell you why.  Because I was too CHEAP to choose a reputable provider! Because I thought if I saved money on your lousy phone service, I could recoup what I lost on the lousy tablet you sold me last year. My wife says technology is only as smart as the person using it. That belated wisdom, like the strobe on my Doofus display, now serves as a personal indictment every time I stare into that dull, blinking void, that the real “doofus” in this story…is ME.

A mother’s sacrifice isn’t giving birth. It’s nine months without wine.

Q: What has broken legs and floats down the river? A: People who tell Frank Sinatra jokes.


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SIGNS By Charles Birimisa The front page of a recent San Francisco Chronicle sports page (April 13) featured a half page photograph of Golden State Warriors superstar Stephen Curry with arms outstretched and both hands flashing the ancient symbol of the all-seeing eye as well as the symbol of the beast, 666, as evidenced in the Book of Revelation. Curry’s facial countenance looks as if he is possessed. He is not smiling or exhibiting joy. Curry instead looks angry, defiant, evil. A curious manner in which to celebrate your success on the basketball court. Others who I have pointed Curry’s conduct to have said he is only indicating he has scored “a three pointer.” A much shown Associated Press photograph of Curry during the 2015 playoffs show him in a full possessed state — like Regan in the film “The Exorcist” — as he, with relish and both hands, is flashing another ancient evil symbol, the mano cornuto, also known as the horned hand, the symbol of the devil. Ironically, despite this secular, pagan-fueled conduct, Curry paints himself an avowed Christian. Curry is not the only professional basketball player displaying these evil symbols. James Harden, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant, Lebron James and many, many more players consistently flash these disturbing symbols during games. As a longtime five-decade observer of basketball and all sports I do not remember professional athletes showcasing themselves in such a way. I remember it as a time of smiles

and high fives. Reactions of pure joy and happiness. Why has the tide turned to darkness and anger? A photograph of Demarcus Cousins on page 2 of the same newspaper edition shows him “celebrating,” as an angry African-American, who has served just desserts to the loser he has just scored against. Not only does this kind of conduct permeate professional basketball, but all professional sports. At times even golf and tennis players react like angry wild men to their successes.

As a longtime fivedecade observer of basketball and all sports I do not remember professional athletes showcasing themselves in such a way. It seems like every high profile athlete has to give his own personal angry reaction, hoping its uniqueness will go viral and score millions of “likes.” As both an observer and participator in sports I would ask coaches and mentors to advise young athletes to show class, exhibit majesty and respect for their opponents, whether they defeat them or not and keep evil symbol flashing out of their repertoire. Your consideration is appreciated.


Can You Believe It’s His First Night? By Tony Albano

I don’t have too many talents, but one thing I don’t doubt are my abilities in the hospitality business. Other than performing, that’s where I feel most comfortable. I have worked as a waiter in two of the most popular restaurants in Carmel. When I had two legs, I was really admired by customers and restaurant management for my skills at taking excellent care to make everyone’s dining experience memorable. One of my little secrets was never to treat guests the same way. I would study the diners sitting at the table before I approached them, and I had a knack for remembering their eating and drinking preferences.

Some people thought I had super powers because I never used a pen and pad to take orders. I had a technique of association for remembering, not only what they were eating, but what I had learned about their lives. In my mind, I would give them a nickname and mentally file everything I needed to know about them. What my coworkers didn’t know was that the reason I never wrote anything down was because I couldn’t read my own handwriting. I would write the letter T and then when I looked, I wouldn’t know if it meant turkey or tuna. With my system, I could remember everything I knew about my guests besides

what they ate—their kids’ names, where they went to school, their marital status, etc. It would all unfold. One fabulous night in my restaurant career, a party of eight came in, and the man at the head of the table was watching me take the order. When I got halfway around, he said, “Aren’t you going to write any of this down?” I said, “No, I’m okay.” He questioned how this could be done, and I jokingly told him it was my first night. He laughed. I don’t know if he believed me or not, but the whole table laughed. I’d taken the drink and entrée orders for eight people without writing anything down. When I brought the eight drinks and placed them all in front of the right person, he still questioned how this could be done. This time, to make him feel comfortable and knowing it was his party and he wanted it to go well, I told him that I really had been doing this for a long time. In front of his guests, he said, “Why don’t we make a deal? If you get one item wrong, you get no tip, and if you get everything right, I tip you double.” Being a gambling man, I loved the thrill of the challenge. I said, “You’re on,” and, as I walked away, I knew I had this in the bag. Next, I brought out their appetizers, all correctly. His guests had started to tease him, saying it looked like he’d be laying out some money tonight. This time as I walked away, I heard him tell his wife, “Do you believe this guy?” It gave me great joy knowing that the whole table was having fun in their dining experience. Next, I was set to bring the

21 eight entrees, all of which I remembered without writing them down. I had nicknamed the head of the table Salmon since that was what he was having. Of course, when I approached the table, they were all saying, “Get ready, now. This is the moment of truth.” And I made sure I put each dish down saying what the dish was and bringing it to the proper person purposely leaving the host for last. I drew out the drama by placing all the dishes down slowly. When I got to the seventh person, his friends said, “John, it looks like you’ve met your match.” And I said, “And for you, John, salmon.” He said, “Tony, I don’t believe it, but you are going to get tipped fabulously tonight. I still don’t know how the hell you do this. He said, “Can I talk to your manager?” By this time, my manager, Phil, knew a lot of my lines and techniques, so when the head of the table called Phil over to tell him how amazed and stunned he was by what I’d done, Phil said, “And can you believe it, this is only his first night?,” and the whole table broke into laughter. They had a great time that night and I was tipped more than double. John would come back when he had guests in town, and he would always request me. From: A Leg to Stand On, a collection of stories to be published in June


22

Celebrating 25 Years of Keeping Families Safe on the Road

Knock Knock Who’s there? Yah Yah who? No thanks, I use Google.

Knock Knock Who’s there? Dubai! Dubai who? Allow me Dubai you a drink.

Knock Knock Who’s There? Aunt Jemima Aunt Jemima Who? I’m glad I ain’t Joe Mamma.

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Butter Butter who? It’s butter if you don’t know.

Knock Knock Who’s there Figs Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken

Knock Knock Who’s There? Acid Acid who? Acid calm down and be quiet.

Knock Knock Who’s there? Razor Razor who? Razor hands, this is a stick up.

Knock Knock Who’s There? Train Train Who? Someone needs to train you to open the door.

Knock Knock Who’s There? Jesus Jesus Who? How many do you know? Knock Knock Who’s There? Robin Robin Who? Robbing You. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Stopper Stopper who? Stop her, she’s running off with your Foolish Times.

Knock Knock Who’s there? Odor Odor who? Odor in the court. Knock Knock Who’s There? Dozen Dozen who? Dozen matter what you say, I do what I want. Knock Knock Who’s There? Archibald Archibald Who? Archibald on top of your head.

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And they’re off … it’s Kentucky Derby Month Answers on pg 28

Louisville Kentucky Twenty Horses Thoroughbred Secretariat Mint Julep Bill Shoemaker Churchill Downs Roses Blanket Three Million Dollars Betting Calumet Farm


THE BUSKING LIFE

Foolish Times Dances in the street,

Don’t Litter

By Michael Houston

Well Disciplined and Almost Good Enough for Daytime TV You don’t have to hate cooking shows, compadres y comadres. Shake it, bake it, measure everything exactly and follow directions precisely and you will get your refined starches worthy of Louis XIVs table and achieve the girth of the Costco shoppers you admire most.

chance to meet people outside of your 12-step program, happy hour haunt, nail salon, classroom, dollar-only, or convenience store.

Stir Fry or Die? Alternately, you can chop and toss a load of items into a frying pan and stir fry your way to wisdom and long life, if you can caramelize those onions rather than bond them to your skillet. I have a burnt black bean recipe that will season your saucepan for life.

Eat While the Getting is Good We of the busker, itinerant street mariachi class and our fellow open air marketeers avail ourselves to exquisite chicken on a stick, hummus on chips, English toffee, Guerrero and Guanajuato tamales, spiced pecans, locally grown fruits and vegetables, and myriad organic and other culinary delights. If you’re not too full from all the free samples, you may even consider buying something. Remember, first free lunch at the membership box store, and then gorge yourself on samples at the street markets.

Street Time! Better yet, get out of the kitchen and take in the sights, sounds, smells and delightful smelling hordes at your local Monterey County farmers to table market, ya’ eegit. If you don’t own a dog, frequent dives, and spiritual gathering places it’s your only

Nature’s Geniuses - Music And Sea Gull Droppings From Heaven Open markets, like opening day at a Giants game, offer both musical offerings and sea gull bombardments. The music offers a gambit from the horrific folk (mine), to the brilliant. Where

A family is like a bath. At first it’s Ok, but then it’s not so hot.

else can you catch kids with violins, Joey’s musical worldfunk-fusion, David’s mandolin wizardry, our beloved Dixie ensemble, and ragamuffins on sabbatical from Mumford and Sons? It’s magic. Everyone on the scene looks like off duty extras from Beyoncé’s Coachella gig. Dance on, Peaceful Warriors! And you? Not ready for prime time. Most of us aren’t, but thanks to the First Amendment and cable regulations we are blessed with the best regional public access television in our region. Ergo, you too can become television producers never envisioned by the founding fathers and mothers. Grab you camera and tell your story, ladies and gents. Herstory Strikes Again… Don’t tell me women did nothing but stitch prototypes of old glory. Didn’t Molly Pitcher cannonade the Brits and Harriet Tubman lead the Combahee River Raid freeing hundreds of slaves? And don’t get me started on the real

Wind is air in a hurry.

23 Mother Jones! Tell the story, sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas. Sing your song, people! Have fun. Be nice. Geeze, you’d never guess dis grandpa was a preschool teacher before taking to the busking life. Theater Call! As the days grow longer you can trick your mind and body into going to live theater. No, not the circus we call market day! We mean thespians, orchestras and such. Consider a night of matinee at Morgan’s MPC theater, the Golden Bow, the Paper Wing, the Carlos Cherry, Spectacular Dance in Marina, the CSUMB Globe Theatre, Carmel’s Sonset, the Aurelian State, Angelo’s Wharf Theater, Carmel’s Bosque Theater, Hartnell’s Western Sage etc. Get out there and sit on your butt! Ya’ Make Me Wanna Shout! And what about music, you may ask? What would I know? I’m just a street busker who writes for the Times. (Think New York, Irish, Sun- or of London, but Foolish is what you got!) Blessed is Derek the whistle champion, Sean the Piper, Alan the Open Miker, Eddie the guitar, Molly’s vengeful pipes and fiddle, Dirty the Cello, Tribe the Spirit, Sunday Sessionaires at Asilomar, Friday jav juicers in PG, Tuesday loungers in Jade, Mike Pez accordion, Tomas’ room fulla’ sax, Martinez keyboard unlimited, Beau’s sessions, Amy’s canadienne, Troy the wailer, and all who make our ears and hearts vibrate as we shake our bootays, clank our manacles, and stomp our chinelas. Peace in. Peace out!


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1) How do you throw away a garbage can? 2) Why don’t they build car engines to only go the speed limit? 3) What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum? 4) Are you going to CaliRoots? Bob #1 1) I put an old waste can out for garbage and someone took it. If I knew it had value I would have sold it on ebay. 2) Speed limits are just suggestions. I like to go fast. 3) Juicy Fruit has lots of sweet taste. I would say any fruit that is over ripe. 4) Every day! Robert 1) I wash out my kitchen garbage can every week. It looks as good as the day I found it. 2) Speeding tickets create a lot of revenue and give cops job security. 3) I don’t think there is any ‘food’ in Juicy Fruit. That’s why it tastes so good. 4) I live near the fairgrounds and dance in my back yard where no one can see me. Roberta 1) Last Chance Mercantile shoppers would find a good use for your old can. 2) I’m not your typical older woman. I like to think I’m on a racetrack every time I get behind the wheel. 3) It’s made of a combination of sweet tropical fruit flavors that were probably developed by mad scientists. 4) I play the song ‘Dance All Night’ by Dirty Heads while I clean the house. It’s my guilty pleasure music. Bob #2 1) I don’t have a garbage can. Looking at the mess in my place, I should have one. 2) I don’t drive. I think all cars go too fast and people should wear helmets. 3) I chew to strengthen my face muscles. The sweet taste of Juicy Fruit helps my workout to be more pleasurable. 4) I’m going opening day. I have to work over the weekend.


Do Anything You Want By Jann Gargiulo A few years ago I got a phone call from my daughter who is a widow and on her own now. She said she wanted to ask me a “very important question.” I gathered my strength and said OK. (Up until then our conversations that started that way always turned into a “I love you Mom, but …” If you’re a mother than you know what I mean firsthand. And dads probably get this too!) The big question: “Mom, when I was little, why didn’t you ever tell me that I could grow up to do anything I wanted, or be anyone I wanted? The other Moms did.” Naturally I bit my tongue so that I would not answer that well

thought out question the way my Dad would have with me! I simply responded, “Because you couldn’t.” Boy was she surprised. I continued to explain to her that if she had wanted to be say president of the USA, that there is no way that was going to happen. She didn’t like history of any kind, and she never watched the news because “it was too boring.” We were poor and that meant no college. I never lied to my children. They had lots of fun with Santa, but knew about the priest who started the story and that was fine, they never told any of the other little kids. I never took

25 something away that I didn’t replace with something better. Seems that there is now confirmation that I did the right thing after all. Last week there was an article in the New York Times on this very subject. I believe the name of the article was, “Don’t Tell Your Child He Can Do Anything He Wants When He Grows Up.” The article culminated basically into three easy reasons for such a title.

I never took something away that I didn’t replace with something better. The first, it will teach him that a “person is defined by his work.” How many times have you gone somewhere new socially and when your introduced the first thing you are asked, “What do you do?” Think about it. Do you really KNOW anything personal about the people you hang with everyday? The second is not as easy. It says that raising our children this way supposes that, “everyone has a single calling.” I always wanted to be a teacher, since I was in the second grade. I was taught at school that I could do anything I wanted if I wanted badly enough. I hated teaching in public school when I finally got there. I thought

I had to do it because that’s what everyone said I was going to be. The third reason we can all understand. We don’t want to raise our children (nor grandchildren) this way because it sets expectations for them way too high. Ever hear someone say, “My son, the doctor!” While patting a three year old on the head? Or, “She’s going to be a lawyer just like her ol’ man!” Please don’t do this to your children. If they ask you what you want them to be when they grow up, just say, “Happy” that will work. I promise. I wouldn’t lie. Shannon was so quiet on the phone. I was waiting for a reprimand, but it didn’t come; instead I heard the tears first then Shannon said, “Thank you Mom. I love you.” Now I’m crying, and I murmured a “I love you too.” Best phone call we ever had.

Enthusiasm is a concept created by the young and inexperienced.

I never make fun of my wife’s coffee. I may be old and weak myself someday.


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Enrich Your Vocabulary IV By Debbie Harris In three prior issues of Foolish Times I have presented words given to me in the daily worda-day vocabulary enrichments I receive, words I can’t see being used in present day. This month I continue this discussion and offer: Ergophobia –(uhr-guh-FObee-uh), an abnormal fear of or aversion to work. I wonder if this is a medical diagnosis. I think I might suffer from this. Exeleutherostomize-(eks-uhleuth-uh –ROS-tuh-myz), to speak out freely. Ok, the definition has less syllables than the word. Why would anyone use this? “The First Amendment gives all US citizens the right to exeleutherostomize.” Too complicated. Vespertine—(VESS-per-tyne), of, relating to, or occurring in the evening. “My friends want to get together on Saturday for the vespertine meal.” Sounds exotic. Obdorminition—(ob-dorMISH-uhn), numbness in a limb, usually caused by pressure on a nerve. Also known as falling

asleep. I can’t imagine saying, “I sat with my legs crossed for so long that I felt obdormition in them.”

Guerdon—(GUR-dun), reward, recompense. “When the children finished all of their chores, I gave them a guerdon.” Not likely.

Aciniform—(uh-SIN-uh-form), shaped like a cluster of grapes. Do we need a special word for this? What else is shaped like a cluster of grapes except a cluster of grapes? “The artist’s fruit-on-thetable painting had grapes placed in aciniform.”

Schadenfreude—(SHAH-dunfroy-duh), enjoyment obtained from the trouble of others. This is a German word. Leave it to the Germans, the provokers of two World Wars, to invent a word meaning enjoying the suffering of others. Dummkopfs!

Tatterdemalion—(tatt-erdih-MAIL-yun), ragged or disreputable in appearance; being in a decayed state or condition, dilapidated. Sounds like “jackedup” to me.

Jobbery—(JOB-uh-ree), the use of a public office for private gain. I can’t imagine anyone doing this. Can you?

Aperient—(uh-PIR-eeuhnt), having a laxative effect; stimulating evacuation of the bowels; something that relieves constipation. Well, that sure sounds quaint. “I say my good fellow, would you happen to have an aperient available to share with me?” or “After two days of an inactive gastrointestinal system, it has become apparent that I need an aperient.”

How do you explain to your kids that Dad gets grayer and Mom gets blonder?

Baragnosis—(bar-ag-NO-sis), loss of the ability to sense weight. I have this! At least when it comes to my own body. That’s why the number on the scale at the doctor’s office is such a surprise. Senectitude—(si-Nek-ti-tood), old age. I’m saving as much money as I can so I won’t be poor in my senectitude. Widdershins—(WID-uhrshinz), in a counterclockwise,

Nowadays, the real hero in a movie is the guy who sits through it.

left-handed, or wrong direction. Really? Not the front lower legs of a woman whose husband has died? Plinth—(PLINTH), the lowest base of an architectural column; usually a square block serving as a base. So those houses I saw in the South many years ago were not up on blocks. They were just plinthed. Gust—(GUST), keen delight. I can’t imagine myself saying, “I felt great gust when I took my first spoonful of Bavarian chocolate gelato.” Fane—(fayn), a place of worship. “Every Sunday, I go to my favorite fane.” Really? Heliolatry—(he-lee-AH-luhtree), sun worship. I wonder if there is a fane for heliolatrists. Ludic—(LOO-dik), of, relating to, or characterized by play; playful. “We enjoy driving by the school at recess time, watching the children’s ludic activity.” Oh dear, not good. Here’s hoping all mothers feel ludic on Mother’s Day and don’t have an aperient experience at their fane and start feeling tatterdemalion. If they do and they are in senectitude and the condition lasts into the vespertine hours, don’t exeleutherostomize any schadenfreude or when they pass, your guerdon will be that you’re written out of their will and will not have the luxury of ergophobia!


What if Tiger Woods Could Rap? There are similar golf skills between Tiger Woods and local Hip-Hop artist Jordan Eugenio. They both were ranked as some of the best junior golfers in the world. These days, Tiger seems to be done crashing cars and chasing waitresses and Eugenio is now Lil Jordan with an expanding career as a Hip-Hop and film star. He is still a scratch golfer and a great basketball player but they take a back seat to his music career and college education. At age nine, Jordan released his first album that included songs with rappers Too Short and Mistah FAB. Too Short must have

felt comfortable working with someone his height. Lil Jordan is now 21 and not so little. Over the years, he has opened up for major artists, featured on Good Morning America, ESPN, FOX TV Japan and other networks. He has also been on the cover of Asian Week and featured in Rap Magazine XXL. Jordan has been invited to play in celebrity golf tournaments and held one of his own at age 13. Tiger would be impressed. On Saturday, May 10th, Lil Jordan will be filming the first episode of a new reality show ‘The New Vibe’ at the Jade Lounge in Monterey. You’re invited to be

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Answers on page 28

part of the audience. This red carpet event will begin at 6pm. Only 200 guests will be allowed in. Jordan will perform as well as a few ‘special guests.’ If Too Short shows up, he better bring ID. This is a 21 and over show and you have to be able to prove it no matter how tall you are. As far as Tiger, what else can you do besides play golf? More info www.thejadelounge.com

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Things I’ve lost since becoming a mom: 1. Patience when nice things break. 2. Nice things. 3. Patience


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from page 27

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My two children ordered me to stay in bed on Mother’s Day morning. As I lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait I finally went downstairs to investigate. I found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”

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May 3 First Friday Art Walk

May 9 Karib Singh

Oldtown comes alive with artist receptions, music, spoken word, dance and beautiful weather. 1stfridays.org

One of the comedy scenes rising international stars. Catch him in an intimate small venue. Jadelounge.com

May 4

May 10

Homebrew Festival

Lil Jordan

Best beer ever! Local home brewers offer up their suds for a day of grand tasting, music and food. Steinbeckrotary.org

May 4 Quail Motorcycle Gathering

Part Concours d’Elegance, part custom show and part biker bash. It’s a neighborhood block party. quaillodge.com

May 4-5 Garden Show

Carmel Valley Garden Club celebrates their 50th year Cvgardenclub.org

May 5 Tor House Spring Party

Robison Jeffers called his home Tor House. Naming it for the craggy knoll on which it was built. 100 years later we still celebrate this special place. torhouse.org

May 5 Cinco de Mayo

The Mexican Army’s unlikely victory over the French Empire at the battle of Pueblo in 1862. The party crossed the border (legally) and is here to stay.

May 13-19 American Craft Beer Week

Only a week? That’s like saying happy hour is over and we can’t be happy anymore.

May 15 Amgen Bike Tour

Local youth golf prodigy turned hip-hop star will be performing and taping a new TV show “A New Vibe.” Walk the Red Carpet and be a part of this event Jadelounge.com

After a short climb out of the start at Laguna Seca, the race will pass through Seaside, Monterey and Carmel. Racers will head down Hwy 1 to Moro Bay. This is the 4th stage of this demanding race. Amgentourofcalifornia.com

May 10-12

May 16

Ferrari Challenge

Louie Anderson

Experience the sheer power and high-revving notes of the ultra-exotic Ferrari XX track-only supercars. Weathertechraceway.com

May 11 Keb Mo

Blues, country, roots, are only the beginning definition of his music and influence. An award-winning entertainer and a must see live event. Goldenstatetheater.com

May 12 Mother’s Day

Created by Anna Jarvis in 1908 and officially became a holiday in 1914. Jarvis would later denounce the holiday’s commercialization and spent the latter part of her life trying to remove it from the calendar. Give your Mom extra attention every day.

An award winning 30-year career of comedy, writing and acting. A top 100 comedian of all time Sunsettheater.org

May 16-19 Salinas Valley Fair

The food, the animals, crafts and entertainment all come together in South County salinasvalleyfair.com

May 16-June 2 Waiting for Gidot

One of the most iconic and significant plays of the 20th Century, Samuel Beckett’s play is also one of his funniest and most immediate creations. Pacrep.org

May 17 National Bike to Work Day

Get out of your car and on a bike. Our area is flat and the weather is perfect to do this most days of the year.

May 18 Family Farm Day

It’s not just a rumor it’s true. Your food comes from farms and not grocery stores. Agriculture and Land-based Training Association. albafarms.org

May 18 Lower Presidio Walking Tour

Local historian and all around nice guy, Tim Thomas shares the fascinating history and beauty of one of the Most Historic Sites on the West Coast. oldmontereyfoundation.org

May 18 Founders Day

Not sure Salinas was ever lost. Historic house and train tours, talks and films. Music, food and cultural performances. salinasfoundersday.org

May 19 Hidden Valley Music

Monterey County Composer’s Forum “Winds of Change” will be presented by composers and guest artists featuring newly composed music.

May 24-26 California Roots Festival

10th anniversary. Summer starts here. A chance to dance and find your inner groove that will last all year. World class entertainment and fun. Californiarootsfestival.com


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To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038


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Profile for Foolishtimes

Foolish Times May 2019  

Reward your Mother for all the things you put her through. Payback is when you have your own kids!

Foolish Times May 2019  

Reward your Mother for all the things you put her through. Payback is when you have your own kids!

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