FALL IS IN THE AIR Thanksgiving Quips Pg. 8
Expanded Event Calendar Pg. 28 â€“ 29
I envy people who drink. At least they know what to blame everything on.
California State Parks & Monterey State Historic Park Association Present
THE 36TH ANNUAL
CHRISTMAS in the
December 13-14th 5-9PM Adults $25 // Two Night Gold Pass $40 Youth $2 // Children ﬁve & under free Tickets available at Custom House (Across from Fisherman’s Wharf) Open daily 10-4pm Online: www.wshpa.org MSHPA supports State Park Projects & Children’s Educational Field Trips Angel image by Erica Franke 1957, courtesy of City of Monterey
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List of Fools Chucklehead................................Stevie P. Editor at Large..................................Javlis Art Fool...............................Mama Morgan Social Media Fool.............................Jordo Web Fool..........................................Zachy Sales Fool.....................................Michael
Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee, Jay Russell, Mary Tompsett
The Chucklehead Speaks November is here and peaking in the rear view mirror, the rest of the year vanished like a thief in the night. This leaves us with less than sixty days in 2019 to be productive. Don’t panic, you can’t stop time from moving forward. What you can do is try to visuals it moving slower. One method would be to meditate. Another method is to not meditate and stop wasting the time you have. If you’re going to waste time, do it where it counts, at work where you get paid. Spend as much time in the bathroom as possible, walk around your office with a folder in your hand like you’re going somewhere or in meetings. Here is a list of websites to sit at your desk and waste time: • staggeringbeauty.com: It’s a black worm thing that you wiggle. • sanger.dk: It’s a pug licking your computer screen. • cat-bounce.com: You pick up cats and bounce them.
• lunchtimers.com: play with magnet letters with and other silly games. • attackofthecute.com: Pictures of cute things • peopleofwalmart.com: We can all relate to the pictures. • fallingfalling.com: Can you say stroke! • burymewithmymoney.com: Cartoon people fall. • koalastothemax.com: Make big balls into little balls. • movenowthinklater.com: watch a game of checkers. • Facebook: The biggest waste of time in your day. Be thankful that you have time to waste.
Stevie P. / email@example.com
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#1. Read November’s Episode 12 of “Godzelda Destroys Salinas.” Fill in the blanks to answer all the Trivial Pursued questions below to be eligible to win. Bonus Points for the correct answer to our question about last month’s episode! E-mail, fax or snail mail in your entries as shown below. View current and past episodes free on-line at w w w. fo o l i s h t i m e s . n e t #2. For your free signed GODZELDA poster just for entering, please include your name and contact information with a mailing address. GODZELDA COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED
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2020 BRINGS CHANGE TO YOUR PRACTICE
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Andrew Patronik, of East Garrison, September’s second place “Trivial Pursued” winner shared a hardwon Godzelda T-shirt with girl friend Nathalie. Is that true love or what?
Ziva (She’s no Diva!) Graves in the Godzelda Tee won by father Christian Graves of Salinas for his spot-on review of “Godzelda Destroys Salinas.”
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Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge. Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations
Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!
...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. Special Thanksgiving Buffet 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. 831.375.9581 grovemarketgrocery.com
FLY THE HOSTILE SKIES —Part One
By Debbie Harris Nothing says the holidays like traveling. We need to travel to see those loved ones so far away. To get there, we often have to board airplanes. Last year I was one of those people. I flew east for Christmas. Air travel is like no other. The minute you get to the airport, you go into survival mode. Your world is you and your belongings and getting your basic needs met. On Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, air travelers are on the bottom level. Forget about love and belongingness or selfactualization; help me find the water station to fill my bottle! There are two speeds in an airport: fast and faster. There is no time for more than a quick hug in the load/unload zone. Move quickly and get out of the way or you’ll hear from a transportation officer barking like an angry coach telling you to keep it moving. Once inside checking in my bag, I had to be able to fill out an ID tag for my suitcase and get my identification out at the same time. The clerk’s attitude let me know that I was a slacker. I wanted to ask her why she
had fake, pointy, alternate color nails on only four of her ten fingers, but I didn’t. She was in charge of assigning me a seat so I had to be friendly.
The clerk’s attitude let me know that I was a slacker. I tried to keep up the pace in the terminal, as I attempted to read gate numbers, look for food, find a restroom, and not bump into anyone. There were lots of families traveling together, having a holiday experience of familial bonding. Precious. Now get out of my way! I only have 10 minutes to buy a nasty breakfast sandwich from a greasy eatery, wolf it down, and wring my bladder out in the restroom before my flight boards. Transportation Security Administration (TSA) in San Francisco went quickly and I was ushered into the line where I didn’t have to take off my shoes. It lulled me into a false sense of human dignity that wasn’t to last on my return flight from Atlanta.
My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than setting around doing nothing.
There, an older couple heading to Indiana and I were yelled at by airport staff for getting into the Pre Check line when our boarding passes didn’t tell us we had to. We got out of line and moved onto the real TSA line. We wondered what the difference was but didn’t dare ask. When travelers made it to the front of the long, winding TSA line there, they were told to take all food out of their bags and put it in the bins separately from bags, phones, purses, shoes, etc. I expected fingerprinting and cuffing next. In the rush to keep the line moving, I didn’t have time to find the 8 ounces of homemade granola that had been gifted me to put in a separate bin, so I left it in my bag and put it on the belt. I waited for retribution for not following instructions, but it didn’t come. Don’t let the terrorists know that you can slip contraband homemade granola through TSA.
During my departure from San Francisco Airport, I was bumped from my flight--make that called from my recently assigned seat with all my belongings because they overbooked. I protested that I had bought my ticket over two months prior, but I left peacefully in mild fear of the clerk’s pointy fingernails. Maybe I should have made them drag me off and sued. As I stepped off the plane, I had that sinking feeling, like when you’re a kid and you watch the string from your pretty balloon slip from your hand as it floats to the sky, never to return again. Part two next month. Happy Thanksgiving!
By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab
The fools of November will always remember the omen of the white owl which is “too much of a good thing makes it bad.” Don’t be so gauche, mon ami. If you keep brushing the opposition out of the way like flies on your pumpkin pie, your arena will eventually echo back to you it’s eerie ancient emptiness. Then we will be forced to baste your weary heart in day old turkey juice and leavins. Even a warrioress needs a posse.
A soul of caution you are. This places you out of the realm of personal experience. Say if the dancers of Le Moulin Rouge were trepidatious about their petticoats missing pieces, could we still call it the red windmill that turns around our heads, our stomachs and our hearts? Trust that you can, YOU Can-can.
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull
Daniel Boone was a man, was a big man...on TV. He was only 4 ft. tall. But he was determined to be big! Like Bull, you, the determined settler who follows, builds and cultivates the soil. Even in a dust bowl you are earthy as french perfume. Take heed and recall in the “Sea of Grass” with Hepburn and Tracy. Supposedly Hepburn was needy and Tracy warned of a weedy seedy splendor in the grass. Don’t be an ass! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins
Je ne’n crois pas mes yeaux! It’s not a bird, it’s not a plane... actually, it is...a 20 sided mix of art and science, a ICOSAGON! This is you Gem. You may even outwit yourself at times due to your many face shifts. Meandering through your own kaleidoscope can be treacherous, but the sum of your interior corners seem to fair with the fun house. You’ll never be a regular square.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion
Your people keep hammering at you about your monarchy while you’re trying to rest up for another conquest. The nonbelievers would be wise to follow your self-assurance especially when it surrounds you like glowworms illuminating the way. Show them how it’s done under the gun your Highness by calling ahead to have your filet de Turkey specially killed...it is afterall a moveable feast! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin
You’re “tremblement de terre” fussy fit is stifling the very force of nature around you. Recall how the Swallows of Capistrano perfected their droppings every year because they trusted in the unknown. They somehow knew it would be put to good use. Your mission is finding the jewels in your skat. This will relieve you of your overall skepticism. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales
Sacrebleu! You are so sauvage. What else can be done for you!? Peel you some tape and save the
sticky for your face-lift, or pop you a cork or French you a fry! You are so happy when others are doing your work. You are a superb listener...can you hear that stampede! A LIBRA-CON won’t work this time. No lucky charm can get you out of this overdue vision quest. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion
You can administer instant arthritis with just a prick. You do nothing by half measures, but this could be an area of consideration. Too much of a good thing can leave you begging for more of less. With your incredible depth and brilliance this birthday could bring you the trust to be swept away by outside forces. Ouch! You did it again! I can’t feel my arm... Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer
WANDERLUST and wander you must! Is the grass greener on the other side? Does it smell like freshly cut lawn, or douse your senses with fertilizer? Your soul may need a peace treaty to recover from the simple fact that all life recycles. Over the hill and through the valley the grand discovery is that your perspective is what makes things anew. You can always wander all around wonder. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat
Purposeful pursuit making you purple? Time for a Belle Epoque. Letting your spontaneous parts play and run is essential for continued growth and prosperity. It all comes down to what you
love to do. Put a cap CAP on your poverty stricken attitude and find a green space because presently joie de vivre is a La Mode. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier
Touché! You are astrology itself. Wacky, witty, madcap and unorthodox. You deliberately provoke others to summon their most open mind...how divine. You know all is fair in love and war, a two-way Rue. Recycle a train station and create a turkey farm. Loving the unconventional indeed. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes
A teepee in le Bois de Boulogne is very bohemian of you PI. You dive full heartedly into research. You could become une Legende Indiennne! You may encounter obscure characters in the park though and you being of half-body half spirit, you must ALWAYS beware of someone else’s hard luck story. Especially the funny ones in trench coats, known as Le Flasheur.
A man who laughs has not yet heard the news.
Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? A: Squash.
Mayflower, what do college students travel on? A: Scholar ships.
You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.”
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family. “I just can’t stand my mother-inlaw,” sighs one. “That’s quite understandable,” nods the other one, “why don’t you just have the potatoes with the gravy?”
Q: If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be celebrated for the most? A: Their age. A lady was looking for a turkey at Grove Market but couldn’t find one big enough. She asked Charlie, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” He replied, “No, they’re dead.” Q: Why did the apple pie cry? A: its peelings were hurt! My wife asked me how to thaw a turkey? I said I usually just tell your mom a few jokes. If that doesn’t work there’s always alcohol. Q: If pilgrims traveled on the
Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all. Q: If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want? A: It simply wants to run away. Q: How do leaves travel from one town to town? A: With autumn-mobiles. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving? A: He was trying to give people
I went to Downtown Books & Sound and asked the clerk where the self-help section was. She said, “If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose.”
the impression that he was a chicken
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? A: The turkey trot.
Q: Should you have that annoying distant relative for Thanksgiving dinner? A: It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
After hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, My son climbed up into my lap and asked, “Did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?’ “That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard”, I replied as I ducked. Q: What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids? A: “If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!” Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
Q: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? A: Because he was out-standing in his field. About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down. The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.” Q: What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp? A: A bird who can pluck itself. For those of you, who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.
By Tony Albano
Can You Believe It’s His First Night?
I don’t have too many talents, but one thing I don’t doubt are my abilities in the hospitality business. Other than performing, that’s where I feel most comfortable. I have worked as a waiter in two of the most popular restaurants in Carmel. When I had two legs, I was really admired by customers and restaurant management for my skills at taking excellent care to make everyone’s dining experience memorable. One of my little secrets was never to treat guests the same way. I would study the diners sitting at the table before I approached them, and I had a knack for remembering their eating and drinking preferences. Some people thought I had super powers because I never used a pen and pad to take orders. I had a technique of association for remembering, not only what they were eating, but what I had learned about their lives. In my mind, I would give them a nickname and mentally file everything I needed to know about them. What my coworkers didn’t know was that the reason I never wrote anything down was because I couldn’t read my own handwriting. I would write the letter T and then when I looked, I wouldn’t know if it meant turkey or tuna. With my system, I could remember everything I knew about my guests besides what they ate—their kids’ names, where they went to school, their marital status, etc. It would all unfold. One fabulous night in my restaurant career, a party of eight
came in, and the man at the head of the table was watching me take the order. When I got halfway around, he said, “Aren’t you going to write any of this down?” I said, “No, I’m okay.” He questioned how this could be done, and I jokingly told him it was my first night. He laughed. I don’t know if he believed me or not, but the whole table laughed. I’d taken the drink and entrée orders for eight people without writing anything down. When I brought the eight drinks and placed them all in front of the right person, he still questioned how this could be done. This time, to make him feel comfortable and knowing it was his party and he wanted it to go well, I told him that I really had been doing this for a long time. In front of his guests, he said, “Why don’t we make a deal? If you get one item wrong, you get no tip, and if you get everything right, I tip you double.” Being a gambling man, I loved the thrill of the challenge. I said, “You’re on,” and, as I walked away, I knew I had this in the bag. Next, I brought out their appetizers, all correctly. His guests had started to tease him, saying it looked like he’d be laying out some money tonight. This time as I walked away, I heard him tell his wife, “Do you believe this guy?” It gave me great joy knowing that the whole table was having fun in their dining experience. Next, I was set to bring the eight entrees, all of which I remembered without writing them down. I had nicknamed the head of the table Salmon since
9 that was what he was having. Of course, when I approached the table, they were all saying, “Get ready, now. This is the moment of truth.” And I made sure I put each dish down saying what the dish was and bringing it to the proper person purposely leaving the host for last. I drew out the drama by placing all the dishes down slowly. When I got to the seventh person, his friends said, “John, it looks like you’ve met your match.” And I said, “And for you, John, salmon.” He said, “Tony, I don’t believe it, but you are going to get tipped fabulously tonight. I still don’t know how the hell you do this. He said, “Can I talk to your manager?” By this time, my manager, Phil, knew a lot of my lines and techniques, so when the head of the table called Phil over to tell him how amazed and stunned he was by what I’d done, Phil said, “And can you believe it, this is only his first night?,” and the whole table broke into laughter. They had a great time that night and I was tipped more than double. John would come back when he had guests in town, and he would always request me. From Tony’s new book, “A Leg to Stand On”. The book can be found on Amazon and at Books & Sound in Oldtown Salinas.
On Thanksgiving day, let us be grateful that we were not born turkeys.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because chickens didn’t exist yet. Q: What has hundreds of ears but can’t hear a thing? A: A cornfield! Q: Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut? A: So he could visit Pluto. Q: What did one plate say to the other plate? A: Dinner is on me. Q: Where do pencils go on vacation? A: Pencil-vania. Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: Because he felt crummy. Q: What did the little corn say to the mama corn? A: Where is pop corn? Q. How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair? A. Eclipse it. Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: You put a little boogie in it.
10 Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.
What’s red and white and peels? A ginger trying to tan.
Blondes Verses Gingers A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. “What do you want,” bellowed the Genie. The ginger says, “I want a huge mansion with a hundred rooms and twenty floors, all made of pure gold.” The genie looks at him and says, “don’t be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? That’s impossible. Pick something else.” The ginger replied, “I want everyone to stop making fun of my hair color.” The genie says, “So this mansion, you want suite bathrooms?”
What do ginger kids have to look forward to later in life? Going grey.
Why can’t you tell blondes knockknock jokes? Because they go answer the door.
My wife asked me to prepare our son for his first day of school. He’s a ginger so I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money
A man decided to buy clothes for his wife on their anniversary. She says she will wash the clothes first before she wears them out to dinner. When she finished washing the clothes, she hangs out the clothes to dry. When she looked out the window, she saw a blonde in the yard, so she asked her “What you doing in my yard?” The blonde said, “Shopping Online”
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head? A space invader.
If a red head guy works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?
What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.
What sickness can you catch from gingers? Gingervitis!
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw him off a cliff.
What do you call it when a ginger’s phone rings on a Saturday night? A wrong number.
A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed again, and she lost. The week after she prayed and she lost. She said to God, “Why won’t you let me win?” God actually replied, “How about buying a ticket first?”
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
What’s the difference between the Loch Ness monster and an attractive ginger? They have pictures of Nessie.
Sucks to be YOU! Truce?
EASY, BREEZY, BEAUTIFUL BRANSON By Robyn Justo
I have been recently obsessed with this thread of thought after reading that Richard Branson wears one pair of jeans all of the time. Seriously. With all of that fame and fortune, this is his choice. He owns one pair of jeans and a few white shirts (and an airline, countless properties, hotels, and an island.) He has an enviable lifestyle. He can fly anywhere and buy anything his heart desires, but he chooses to avoid “decision fatigue” by limiting his choices of what to wear to give his mind more freedom to make more important decisions. As Spock would say, fascinating. So yes, he’s a guy, but this is quite drastic. Then I started to ruminate and I got nauseated. Could I EVER do this? I am overwhelmed with options of clothing, accessories, and even underwear and I’m starting to feel terribly guilty about it all. I thought of my friend Betsy whom I met on a writing expedition years ago. She is one of the coolest humans I have ever encountered. She’s a freelance writer and her husband is a photo journalist and they split their time between a little purple house in San Francisco and a small place in France. Betsy always wore jeans and a black turtleneck when I saw her. It was her go-to outfit and she rocked it. It was both Euro and SF-chic and I remembered even back then envying the simplicity of that. Leave it to me. I would have complicated it with scarves and accessories, defeating the whole purpose. Another ultra-cool writer friend lives in Carmel and has one pair of jeans and a dress
for formal occasions. She can certainly afford more, but chooses to be a minimalist. She offered to come to my place years ago and declutter my closet. She was Marie Kondo before Marie Kondo! I was so afraid of the process that I declined. Back then I wanted to be the one to decide and now as I get older, those decisions can be confusing and time consuming.
She was Marie Kondo before Marie Kondo! Very recently we had a tornado warning (yes, in Arizona!) and I was the epitome of a petrified California transplant, yanking things out of my small closet so I could hide in there, grabbing a bag of important documents, a photo of my Mom, my phone, and computer, never once giving a thought to what I might wear. It might have been the most frightened I have ever been in this lifetime with the possibility looming of literally being uprooted and ending up in Kansas, found in my mismatching PJs which had been my choice for that morning’s attire. My choices were nearly made by circumstance as I envisioned the rest of my countless pairs of jeans spinning around me in a funnel across the desert. I thought of all of those people who have actually experienced extreme weather on the planet. We were lucky and although the tornado touched down, it didn’t touch us. But it definitely touched and twisted my psyche. The next day I started going through everything I have,
filling bags for donations and consignment, whittling it down before God and Nature did it for me. What we wear can be wearing us out. I am finding things in my closets and drawers that I thought I would wear “someday,” or for that lifestyle I fantasized about, or when I was thinner, or someone important saw me, or nobody saw me (the mismatched PJ thing.) I am grateful for the freedom of choices that I have had over the years, but I’m also ready to release more and more and liberate my cluttered mind and closet and hopefully make more important decisions like Richard Branson does.
11 With all of the ads popping up at us everywhere in the world and in our homes, on our computers and in our nightmares, I might not be quite ready to fall into the Gap with one pair of jeans, but I am ready to bridge it to a more sensible and manageable lifestyle. I don’t own an island, but I like to visit one every now and then. Now it will be much easier to pack for the trip and I just might choose Virgin Airlines. Thanks for the tip, Rich!
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
DI L L I G S ! ?
Smudged Souls & Help from Hippo
By Mary Tompsett
“Well, young lady, you have a good day!” The kind words made me smile. Lord knows I’m not young and often not a lady. I grew up believing that every sin I committed left a mark on my soul. Surely by now my soul is a smudged mess, or black as carbon, which is a respected element on the Periodic Table. I picture this carbon soul as the real me in a little black dress— sleek and feelin’ grand! Use any image that works for you. In my case, I’d like to avoid paying a carbon tax and pray that my soul won’t leave stains on the furniture. Now, let us belly-up to slurp from the advice buffet at DILLIGS, aka “Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t!?”
QUESTION: Is it true that burying a St. Jude statue in the yard will speed up the sale of a home? DILLIGS: From time to time I give tips on working with saints and I’m still agile enough to kick up some nonsense, thanks to chair yoga and support hose. St. Jude has a large following. If you live south of the equator, I suggest burying him upside down. Then again, you could simply hire that cheeky realtor who looks like the Queen of Swords in your Tarot deck. Popular saints are often backlogged, so check out obscure ones with fun names. Lately I dig St. Augustine of Hippo. Legend has it, he preached on the physics of water displacement. What a
good floater. And he’s the patron saint of cellulite! But wait. Did he suffer the dimpled, lumpy curse? Or does he cure it? I need his help ’cause my legs look like climbing walls. Yet deep inside I’m a sleek and sparkly midnight soul. Just sayin’. QUESTION: What are some affirmations for self-esteem? DILLIGS: Pick a phrase, and be realistic. Case in point: After buying a pair of jeans I noticed the lining was imprinted with “U R sexy,” “secret shaper,” and “lifts and slims.” How odd, since they were handmade by local Amish women. Just kidding. Anyway, let’s ditch the tinseled fantasies and line our clothes with “Equal pay!” “I belong!” And the increasingly relevant “Continence rocks!” QUESTION: Any ideas for unique holiday gifts? DILLIGS: You can easily make these at home in under an hour. 1) Program Grannie’s hearing aids with the energy-saving “Clap on, Clap off” feature. Then, for extra fun, attend local plays and concerts with her. 2) Carve a
bunk bed for your twin sisters, with an attached catapult and Matt Damon body pillows. For Dad, who insists on doing his own yardwork, spit out a 3-D printed recumbent riding lawnmower. Forced into a gift exchange at work? Create a punch card for lame excuses, or nasal whining, or sucking up. IRREGULARS FROM THE BARGAIN BIN: Aging. We look old only because of the increased photon density of sunlight in some states. Decades ago I lived out East and looked like a 30-year-old hottie athlete. Damn photon clumping. Verisimilitude. A polite, classy word for bullsh*t. (See Aging comment above.) © 2019
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts.
I have nothing against facelifts, but I think it’s time to stop when you look permanently frightened.
Without Friends What? By Charles Birimisa
“And now you find yourself in ‘82. The disco hot spots hold no charm for you. You can’t concern yourself with bigger things. You catch the pearl and ride the dragon’s wings.” –Asia When I was a kid growing up in Watsonville the thought that I might end up working never occurred to me. In fact, as a kid the thought of working 8 hours or more per day like adults did was never seriously considered. Frankly, at that point I couldn’t cut the mustard for even having thoughts in that regard as other kids my age where champing at the bit to start driving, working, partying, wooing chicks, making money, kids, a life. I was esteem challenged. I never said “I want to be...” or “I’m going to be a...” I was a follower. Ninety percent of the experiences I had in youth were directly related to invites from friends or acquaintances. Randy calls “Hey, Chuck, let’s go see “Fast Times,” or for at least a dozen baseball games or to play hoop or tennis; Mike’s invite to the first 49er (vs Seahawk) game at Candlestick Park; Todd’s invites to multiple Bing Crosby Pro-Am’s, Salinas closed circuit
boxing, pro tennis Connors vs Borg and McEnroe, and rides down south to college. Erwin’s offers to the closed circuit Leonard-Hearns and live Vegas Pryor-Arguello fights, concerts, Giants games, a Disneyland trip, play hoops etc; Bobby’s come overs for HBO boxing and movies, drive-in movies. Leon to Ensenada, Mexicali, and cruising.
Then I graduated with a major I really didn’t care for, got a job I expected to only stay at for six months and twenty-six years later am still there gratefully getting paid every two weeks. Going to the ranch with Charlie. Matt to The Terminator, Karate Kid more movies and cruising in a Firebird. None of that would have happened if I hadn’t been invited. Otherwise, I would have just watched TV (it was much better back then), and shot around like all day like I did one Christmas. Early on if Jeff and Kevin didn’t play sports (they
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13 lived down the street) I might have never got into that. Even my early work experiences were luck. A summer 1981 invite from Martin to work the Crosetti’s Broccoli line, painting jobs from John which resulted in meeting Rich and a good 19841989 6 year summer job stint at the school district. I wonder sometimes if I hadn’t been asked by these people to do these things I might have just disintegrated as a brief mist, puff, gone. Somehow I graduated high school and enrolled at Cabrillo College. It was September 1982. There is a song by Asia, popular at the time. It still sneaks onto classic radio.. “What were the the things you wanted for yourself. Teenage ambitions you remember well.” I used to catch the bus to Cabrillo at Crestview Center. One powerfully overcast morning I waited, licenseless and watched cars stream by. I wanted nothing, had no teenage ambition, was nothing. Then I got on the bus. Three years later I had scraped up enough units to apply for State University. Heck, I would not have even had a room that first semester if Todd hadn’t said “Give me the number, I’ll call the housing office.” He did and got me a room. At Long Beach I had the fortune of meeting some cool suite mates who always asked if I’d like to tag along, and offered rides to the airport to go home for the holidays. Then I graduated with a major I really didn’t care for, got a job I expected to only stay six months and twenty six years later am still there gratefully getting paid every two weeks. I’d change the title of the song “With a little help from my friends,” to “With a lot of ...” Thank you.
Don’t Forget Thanksgiving
By Jann Gargiulo
Among the many happenings in one’s life how does one choose which story to tell and when that story is appropriate? Since it’s November I think I’ll share our family’s last Thanksgiving on the farm. Of course, we didn’t know that it was our last one. If you’re thinking a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving, clear your mind … that’s not my family! I thought everyone of us loved living on the farm. Lately, however, I heard my sister, Char say, “I can’t wait to move away from here!” Did she know? These are the things that went through a little girl’s head and heart as she
grew up in this large family. But, Thanksgiving was a time when Mom wanted to hear from us as to what we were grateful for … I had always said, “Growing up on the farm with all the kids.” This year seemed different, but I didn’t know why. It was November 27, 1958. No matter what the weather, my Mom was in the kitchen cooking … VERY early in the morning! I don’t remember a time when our turkey was less than 25 pounds, and usually it was much more. It seemed that sometime during the day and evening all the other relatives stopped by for some food and songs! In and out. No one
seemed to go any further than the kitchen leaving the front door open; here comes someone else! All of the windows in the kitchen were open too, but it didn’t feel like it! It was always so HOT in that kitchen!
My Mom was very wise, she always had extra food hidden away for the last round. My Dad could never get anyone to go upstairs to the living room. The reason being that my cousins, Bill and Eddie, were right inside the kitchen with their guitars, uke and banjo playing their bluegrass music! Everyone wanted to hear them and sing with them so no one would go upstairs, including Bill and Eddie! But when all the food was ready to eat Mom would just tell everyone to put down the music, find a place at the table and bow your head. The table only fit 10, so we ate in rounds. When folks finished eating, Daddy would
usher them upstairs to watch the game on TV. (I guess you can tell the first round was mostly guys!) Then the second round would eat … no, I wasn’t in that round either. It consisted mostly of the older siblings and matching cousins. This round stayed at the table the longest! Not to worry, my Mom was very wise, she always had extra food hidden away for the last round. She knew not to trust my brothers! When the food was gone Mom wrapped the “leftover” turkey bones and put them in the fridge for soup the next day. Later (after the game of course) everyone who stuck it out ‘til evening, would come back downstairs to the kitchen and have pumpkin or apple pie. After a few more songs Daddy would declare it time for the young ones to get to bed “cause they’re so tired.” We knew it was Daddy who was tired, but the guests left vowing to come back at Christmas. Sometimes, even though I was only nine years old, I would sit in the highchair and just take it all in. Something inside me was saying, “Don’t forget these days” and I haven’t!
I was at a gallery in Carmel and saw something labeled ‘art object.’ Considering what it looked like, I’d object too.
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You may be waking up at around three with a vicious hangover and decide your “safe-mode only” brain needs to do something with last night’s worthless costume. Today, November 1, marks “The Day of the Costume Death.” An incinerator would be a top choice, but unless you ignore the “no burn day” label in effect, let’s look elsewhere. Your festive attire did not work as planned, either no one knew the reference or your Darth Vader motorcycle boots, chest protector and spray painted Easy Bake Oven helmet turned out not to be so comfortable. So you took off the helmet and no one knew the reference. Tempting as it may be to let loose the lighter fluid, knife and flint, you may just struggle all day power washing the vomit off your not quite Mad Max, definitely not Lord Vader failure. If you party in the big city of San Frandingo you may have multiple costume storage questions today. Just going over the bay bridge, once a year, signals to your Faceboard to invite you to 27 Halloween parties per October. So, for many of us we must decide whether to: clean and store, donate, ignore or kill a Silent Bob outfit and a hokey Bob Ross get up. Quick note on Bob Ross costumes, don’t do it. No matter how small a party you go to, at least three other attendees will be wigged “happy little tree” painters. No one should endure that cutthroat competition. It was Halloween, you were supposed to have fun. Most costumes either fall flat, make you fall flat on your sweaty face or flatten your bank account. Even going low budget by thrift
storing those pieces of synthetic gossamer takes too much time. You were doomed to start. Being a pile of grapes seemed so glorious the first twenty minutes of having 50 green or purple balloons taped to you. Unfortunately, in the next two hours you unable to sit down, and continuously knocked stuff off dining room tables, like a Rottweiler with a tale. The embarrassment of that pales in comparison to the evil eyes you garnered at the opera or movie hall when the grapes started popping. And now you sit at home crying, unsure of what to do with all those popped balloons, surely they will find their way to the ocean. You may just need to follow the whimsical advice “when in Rome” and in spirit of The Day of the Dead- kill that costume. Work off your hangover with a shovel and some dirt. DIY a landfill in the corner of your yard. Tell your environmentally fearful husband it’s a time capsule, but fill it with that half-hearted Carmen San Diego eye sore and the slutty cat, witch, or nurse costume. The latter “piece” of clothing made you leave the party four hours early when your goosebumps turned a shade past purple and you lost a filling from shivering. So toss them in that hole and let dirt do the dirty work. Next year, for easement of responsibility on November 1st, you can just dress up as your friend in one of their cliché outfits or go as a streaker. Hang in, hungover Ghoul Fools and embrace destruction this “Day of the Costume Death.” TheRaverTip.com
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DESTROYS Lester Krasse awoke well before his alarm could sound, quickly showered, shaved and dressed. Then he gulped down a cup of coffee and drove to Monster Mart. Already excited shoppers and children were lining up outside. Peterson was waiting with Rodney Speck and the television crew at their van by a receiving dock. “Jerry, did you see that crowd?” Peterson nodded enthusiastically. “I have to admit I’ve been very skeptical about this whole business since that tape of yours. But honestly, Lester, you’ve done a terrific job promoting this thing.” “And I have to admit you’re right,” Krasse replied, lighting his first cigarette of the day. Peterson punched in the combination to the store’s security system and the corrugated metal door rolled up. “Set up by that Croaker Cola bottle,” he said. The driver nodded and brought the KAKA TV van over to the giant beverage display. Tightly bound from top to tail, Godzelda was suspended by chains of tempered steel behind the curtain just a few yards away from the gigantic glass Croaker Cola bottle. Krasse watched the technicians wheel in their cameras. “Croaker Cola ‘s spending major bucks to have their display close to the dinosaur,” he said to Rodney. “So make sure it shows in the broadcast as much as possible.” “Lester Krasse, I’m mad at you!” a woman’s voice interrupted, and Sue Foxx emerged from behind the giant bottle. “Naughty boy!” she scolded. “I’ll never forgive you for running out on our luncheon! And after I arranged this whole Croaker Cola thing. Isn’t it marvelous?” “Yeah, Sue. Terrific. But you were the one with the one o’clock appointment.” “Oh, shush!” she said, smiling coyly. “You can make it up to me tonight-- when you take me out to dinner.” Krasse’s head was spinning. “Dinner? Tonight?” “Right after your opening.” Sue stared up at him with her soft blue eyes. “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you have time for me?” “Of-- of course I do.” “Then it’s a date!” She cocked her head to one side and looked at him thoughtfully. “But I’d like you better without that.” She plucked the cigarette from his lips, tossed it on the floor and crushed it under the toe of her shoe. “There! Now you’re handsome!” She kissed the blushing ad man. “Now you boys excuse me. I have serious shopping to accomplish.” Rodney grinned and winked at Peterson. “Wow! That’s some woman.” The director stared after her appreciatively. “And she set up this whole Croaker Cola thing?” “Uh-huh.” Krasse nodded. #12-25
COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED
Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee email@example.com
"Croaker Cola and the Roadkillers" Previously:
Malcolm D. Monster promises ad man Lester Krasse two million dollars to deliver a marauding T. Rex to promote his new Salinas Monster Mart. But when Army cannon fire is ineffective and the creature escapes with a teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Salinas, it takes Air Force jets to subdue it with missiles tipped with tranquilizer darts. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart, and local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s Sue Foxx. Mr. Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur commercial, insisting on the real deal. Meanwhile, the dinosaur and teenager Neil Scallopini are incarcerated at the county jail. Undaunted, Krasse convinces Sheriff Naylor to release the creature to him on a “work furlough” for Monster Mart’s commercial starring the heavilly sedated GODZELDA. When Neil sees it, he reveals the origin of the T.Rex and demands to be released...
Rodney watched the bubbles spiral upward to the frothy surface of the carbonated liquid. “ A n d t h a t ’s r e a l Croaker Cola inside,” Krasse explained enthusiastically. “We’re giving away free drinks all during the show.” “Don’t forget the Roadkill Radial Tire display I helped put up,” Peterson reminded him. “They’re supposed to get coverage too.” K ra s s e g ave t h e director a nudge and pointed out the towering pyramid of tires. “Yeah, be sure you get shots of that,” he said. “Have to keep the Roadkillers happy.” “Can do,” Rodney answered. “We’ve got cameras all over to pick up anything you want.” A telephone began to ring. Godzelda stirred, and the chains which bound her rattled ominously. Everyone froze in the middle of their set-up operation. “Somebody get that phone!” yelled the ad man. It rang again and was silent. The crew huddled to confer with their director and then returned to work with furtive glances at the Tyrannosaurus. Rodney pulled Krasse and Peterson aside. “Listen, my people are a little nervous,” he said. “So level with me, guys. What’s the chance of her breaking loose?” “Zero,” replied the ad man. “The chains on her are steel. And we give her all kinds of tranquilizer shots to keep her real mellow.” “We can’t have Godzelda break loose in a store full of shoppers,” added Jerry Peterson. “In fact, isn’t she overdue for her morning injection?” “Don’t worry,” Krasse reassured. “The Doc’ll be here any minute. Everything’s handled.” “You got the dinosaur on drugs?” The camera operator was shocked.
“Hey, that’s showbiz,” Krasse retorted defensively. “Besides, we feed her extremely well. Shoot her full of a protein and glucose formula three times a day. Costs me a mint!” Rodney looked uncomfortable and was relieved when a clerk interrupted. “One of you Krasse? Call for you, sir. From some museum? A Professor Bonesteel....” “Not now, please not now!” Krasse moaned. “Get his number, and I’ll talk to him Monday!” “It’s a ‘her’, sir.” “What!?” The ad man frowned. “A ‘her’, not a ‘him’.” “Okay! Tell her, then! Monday! We’ll talk Monday!” The clerk scurried back to her station with the message. But Krasse was scanning the store nervously. “Where’s that doctor?” he muttered. “We’re way late with her morning injection!” Peterson pulled him aside. “That won’t be a problem, will it? Mr. Monster will kill me if we screw this up.” “Wrong,” Krasse corrected. “He’ll kill both of us.” Next issue:
Episode 13 Tommy Kaye and Captain Crudd All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net
THANKSGIVING By Rex Keyes
Even a head of lettuce is smarter than you. It knows whether or not the light really does go out when the refrigerator door shuts.
& the Big Rains
I hope everyone enjoyed their Halloween party. It was a time one can go out and be someone else and act the part. At a costume party one can be Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart, a monster, or don the scariest costume ever which is that of a politician. Now that Halloween is gone, everyone is now looking forward to visiting their relatives at Thanksgiving. As we all know, family members always get along together and never have any differences. Just remember smile, hug everyone, and say “Happy Thanksgiving” and you’ll be loved. After that, ask for a beer or a martini, sit down, watch a football game till dinner and be happy. Don’t fight with the mother-in-law because it is a hopeless battle. The Thanksgiving turkey is usually great, especially with all the surrounding fixins like cranberry sauce, sweet potato soufflé, mash potatoes with butter and gravy (don’t worry about a heart attack) and all that green stuff put out for your health like string beans (ugh). Ok, don’t fill up because there is dessert coming like pumpkin pie with ‘Land of Lakes’ whipped heavy cream or cheesecake with strawberries on it. Excuse me for getting carried away. I could go on and on about dessert. There is another item that Europeans have that I must mention, and that is a digestif; a small alcoholic beverage to aid in digestion after a meal. From Ireland, a small glass of Irish Cream to sip. I am not going to even mention the digestifs from France, Greece or Germany as
there are many and some are very good. Bring one of these bottles to your Thanksgiving dinner and introduce it to your families. Tell them a French cook you met at a fancy bistro recommended it. Heck! No one can argue with the recommendations of a French cook.
No one can argue with the recommendations of a French cook I hope everyone is ready for the big rains this winter. Have you cleaned out the gutters on your house? If your car tires are almost bald, are you going to buy new ones to prevent slipping and sliding all over the road? In the news it seems like there is a lot of rain all over the United States except here in Monterey County. We should be getting rains in November. Will you use the rains to convince your wife that now is the time to buy that boat you’ve been wanting and keep it in the driveway in case of a flood? Maybe there won’t be any huge storms but it never hurts to be prepared, like with a new boat. One more item of interest. Sales of 2019 cars have been slow. That is why there have been a lot of ads on TV about special low prices on 2019 cars. They still have a big inventory and they want to start selling 2020 cars. So if you want a new car now is the time to go to a dealership and low ball them on their 2019 cars. Veteran’s Day is coming up and I’d like to thank all the veterans for the service they have given to our country.
By Craig Hubler
It was Tuesday, and for Celia that meant only one thing: the local farmers’ market. Everything in its season was to be found there fresh, and in great abundance. Most of her meals, and even the beauty of her shop, revolved around what she found there, as she was most fond of fresh flowers, and she always found just the right ones to grace her shop each week. This day, as she turned a people-packed corner, her eye caught a flash of orange that made her heart jump. Carrots. She saw lots of carrots each week, but something inside told her heart what her mouth moments later confirmed: these were indeed gold from the ground. As
she savored the sampled carrot’s goodness she remembered something her grandmother had taught her as a child: how to make carrot soup. For the next half hour she searched out everything else that would fill her kettle along with the carrots, and then she headed home to work her magic. The next few hours flew by for Celia, and as always she found herself with much more soup than a single woman, like her, could eat—even in a week or more. After a brief search, she turned up a few jars, which she lovingly filled with her efforts, and then she set out once again on a mission of mercy. She lived in a city that was so There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Answers on page 26
small in population that there were very few people she didn’t know by sight—or for musicians, by sound. Eddy was one of the latter who lived less than a block away. As she drew near his door, Celia was surprised at the silence that came from within. Eddy was rarely without his mandolin; he carried it with him all around the house, indeed, everywhere he went. Celia knocked twice before hearing a faint voice answer from within. Mildly alarmed, she gently opened the door and gingerly called out his name. She tip-toed through the cluttered apartment until she found Eddy, in bed moaning, his beloved instrument lying listlessly on the floor. “Hey, you,” he whispered. “Sorry I couldn’t come to the door. It’s just that I …” he faltered. “I think I might pack it in, Celia.” “Oh, Eddy, my, my,” she said as she took off her jacket and set down her bag. “See, I’ve brought you something!” After a brief search for a saucer and a spoon, Celia began filling him, between sighs and ahhs, with her rich creation. With each spoonful, she could sense relief spread over him, as color returned to his cheeks. “Who woulda thought!” exclaimed Eddy, sitting up in bed. “I tell ya, Celia, this soup is a lifesaver!” After a few more bits of news, sure that he was on the mend, Celia was off again. She was much relieved to hear the happy plucking of a mandolin as she walked farther down the block, toward the sound of a roaring torch. Peter had worked metal of all kinds since childhood and was used to seeing Celia at least once a day. They had met by chance at a soirée a few years back and had recently become fond of more
19 than a polite kiss. After setting his torch down and showing Celia what busied him this day, Peter noticed she had pulled from her bag a jar of soup, still quite warm. He had tasted many of her delights, but never had he seen or tried anything like carrot soup before. He was reticent as she opened the jar and dipped in her finger to give him a taste. Thoughts of baby food flashed through his mind as her carrot-coated finger was raised to his lips. For Peter, it was not a pleasant thought. He winced, but he held open his mouth nonetheless. He was not prepared for what happened next. The soup, to him, was not only delicious, it also woke up something that had been sleeping inside of him—not a memory, but a desire that for a brief moment caught him off guard. Celia noticed a bright flicker in his eyes and was about to say something, but before she could speak, Peter’s hand was around her waist, and his lips were pressing with a gentle passion up against hers. After the kiss, he took a step back from Celia and looked at her as if searching for something. “Can I come by later on …? There’s something I have to tell you,” he whispered in her ear, leaning forward. “Sure …how about seven?” Celia said as she strolled out of his shop, her bag a little lighter, her head a little in the clouds. Peter turned toward a dusty shelf, pulled out a dog-eared phone book, and began paging through it looking for the J section. “J,” he thought. “J for jewelers …” Craig Hubler is a local metal Sculptor and served as a city council Member in Sand City. His short story Collection, “Surprise, Seventeen Short Stories to Exercise Your Eyebrows”, can be purchased online at Amazon.
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Donald Trump Buys Greenland So That He Can Be King Of Something By Roger Freed
President Extraordinaire Donald Trump has bought the entire island of Greenland from the Danish government. At first the Danes were not happy at parting with a vast piece of property roughly 50 times the size of their own native homeland of Denmark, but Trump made them an offer they couldn’t refuse (rumor has it that the President of Denmark woke up finding a whale head in his bed.) In an interview yesterday Denmark’s Prime Minister stated that he was sad at the loss of the great island as “We were holding onto it in case are suburbs got too big and we had to ‘relocate’ some
people.” But, he added later, it would be better to let it go than to be “obliterated by an atom bomb from some nutcase.” Upon receiving the deed entitling him to the nearcontinent sized land mass which was written on four seal skins sewn together Trump immediately declared himself King of Greenland even though the land is essentially a democracy. “I’ll take care of that problem pronto!” stated Trump in a tweet to his many fans who wouldn’t want to see him tied down to anything as wimpy as a ‘demented democracy’ as the President and now King
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Topping: • 6 slices thick cut bacon chopped • 3/4 cp brown sugar • 1/3 cp flour use gluten free if needed • 1 1/2 cp raw pecans roughly chopped • 1/3 cp salted butter melted • 1/2-1 tsp cayenne pepper • 2 tbs sage chopped
stated in a later tweet. “I don’t see the point in ruling a country where you have to answer to other people.” stated the President firmly. “If you are going to go through the trouble of humiliating other candidates and using intimidation and play power games to make yourself the number one honcho you should have a complete say in how things are going to get run. This wimpy ‘democracy’ stuff is for losers, like Crooked Hillary.” The new King then belched up an uproarious guffaw at his own joke. “Here in my new realm I’m going to be the only one giving orders and everyone else will be following them or they will be put on a leaky boat in the upper Atlantic real quick!” Upon discovering that there was no place to land on Greenland in his Presidential Airforce One jet other than Thule Air Force base which is “too far north” for the President, the strange newly-formed group Concerned Citizens Wanting To Prevent WWIII stepped in with the offer of a Greenpeace boat to
1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees 2. Poke a few holes in the sweet potatoes and bake until soft. Topping: 3. Cook bacon until crispy. Set aside 4. Mix brown sugar, flour, pecans, butter, cayenne and sage to a bowl. Stir in the bacon. 5. In separate bowl, peel the skins away from the flesh of the sweet potato and mash. 6. Mix in the brown sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, milk, butter, eggs and bourbon. 7. Pour the sweet potatoes into a greased casserole dish. 8. Spread the pecan topping over top of the sweet potatoes. 9. Bake for 30-40 minutes or until the pecans are golden.
If law school is so hard to get through, why do we have so many lawyers?
21 transport him to his new realm. Melania did not join him on his trip due to “not having a fur coat thick enough to withstand the Greenlandian weather” and from having to have been tipped off by a C.C.W.T.P.WWIII member that if she stayed behind and kept her mouth shut she would become a very wealthy woman very quickly.
This wimpy ‘democracy’ stuff is for losers Taken to the beach by a fleet of rubber zodiacs, Trump arrived to a welcoming Danish brass band who saluted his visit with a combination of The Star Spangled Banner, The Danish National anthem and numerous Greenlandian folk songs that resembled the sounds that mating whales make while making whoopee. The band continued to play until their lips froze to the mouthpieces of their instruments and they had to stop. Meanwhile the King looked around and said “Wasn’t this supposed to be green? You know, like it says in the name-GREENland?” While the band was quickly evacuating themselves an arctic tundra crawler took the newly anointed king further inland to a place where there was a hot springs near which a giant ice palace had been erected furnished with all the necessities had been built in his honor for him to stay in. Trump was so immersed in looking around his new ice palace that he did not notice the C.C.W.T.P.WWIII members taking off quickly in the tundra crawler before he noticed. All Hail the New King!!!
1) Does your family have any Thanksgiving traditions? 2) Who is your most interesting relative? 3) If you were a shoe what kind would be you be? Bob #1 1) We pull out all the old family videos and watch them after Thanksgiving dinner. There is some cringe worthy moments that we will rewind and watch over and over. 2) My great-grandmother kept a notebook with the names of every contestant on Wheel of Fortune and how much money they won. 3) I would be a horseshoe because I’m lucky.
Robert 1) We would play football in the field behind our house. It was the adults against the kids. That was until one of the adults landed in the emergency room with a cracked rib. 2) We had an aunt who would carry on conversations with herself. She would get mad if you interrupted her. 3) I would be a Chukka Boot. I don’t know why. I just like saying the word. Chukka, chukka, chuckka!
Roberta 1) We name and dance with our turkey when we clean it prior to roasting it. My parents did it when I was a kid and now I do it with my kids. They look at me like I am nuts. 2) We’re all a little exotic in our family. My Mom would turn off the TV while undressing so the men don’t see her naked. 3) I would be a peep-toe heel. There will be just a glimpse of me showing.
Bob #2 1) My Mom while putting the turkey in the oven would knock three times on a wooden board and the meat will taste succulent. I have tried it and for some reason it didn’t work for me. 3) I have family members who don’t want to move to the west coast because they think breaking news would be delayed by three hours. 4) I would be a loafer.
Is your business
Special Holiday rates for those who were naughty & want to be nice
831.648.1038 Ofﬁce@foolishtimes.net Sitting on Santa’s lap optional
November Reins in the 2020 Healthcare Open Enrollment... If you are over or under the golden age of sixty five, the medical insurance season for open enrollment opened their flood gates and is in full swing. There are the normal confusing changes coming our way for the Medicare aged population. Radio, newspapers, day time and very late cable TV time have different Advantage programs advertised for you to sign over your Medicare benefits. They all look impressive with added benefits Medicare doesn’t offer; is what they state. For those who reached Medicare age, the annual enrollment period for drug and insurance plans is a chance for new opportunities to compare plans and see what is right for you. Beside advantage plans, Medicare supplement plans are also available. If you are new to Medicare age, now is the time to look at your drug and medical costs for the year. This doesn’t include what you purchase at dispensaries. The same applies for the under sixty five crowd. December 7th is the Medicare deadline. Covered California is our term for Obamacare. California also has a three month window to either make a change or hold tightly to what you already have covered. It is time to get your affordable care act together. For those of us working folks
under Medicare age, if you are not aware of the high costs of health insurance then you are living under a rock, maybe living overseas with a woman that you met online who promised that she would take care of you for the rest of your life only to find out that she was a he named Boris. Or you work for an employer who offers medical benefits as part of your employment package, good for you! That streamlines your choices. However, for the rest that have don’t have health insurance coverage or feel they are paying too much for their current policy, you may qualify for lower premiums based on the size of their family and annual income. Premiums are also regionally based. Good news, the Federal Poverty Level Guideline was raised from 400% to 600%. This is a huge jump for Californian Residents. What this means is, a single person with income under $75K and a family of four with income under $154K can apply for subsidized plans. What didn’t change is people with preexisting conditions can readily apply with Covered CA. and that is a good thing. Along with good news, there is the other side. The Health Care Mandate is back for California Residents. A penalty can be assessed during tax filing time if you decide to buck the system and can’t prove to have some form of medical insurance. Having healthy happy citizens sound
good though regardless. Right? Many existing Covered CA members may renew automatically. Call your agent with any updates with your income, address change, or family size. These changes should have already been reported as they happen. If you don’t have an agent or they’re busy online dating, you can always go on line to the Covered CA website and make the changes yourself. On the Covered CA website, the “shop & compare calculator” is an amazing tool to find out what the costs and benefits look
23 like. It’s easy to navigate by plugging in basics such as the size of your family, current income, zip code and presto, we have numbers! Licensed insurance Agents are available to assist you with your questions and concerns. The service is free and it may benefit you to ask rather than try to figure it out for yourself. This column was submitted by insurance agent, Jay Cohen (CA lic # 0C83812) with the intention that you will make the best decision for your medical insurance needs. 831.521.1089
Gobble Gobble! Answers on pg 26
Harvest Turkey Football Pilgrim Giblets Cornucopia Relatives Stuffing Rake Maize Gratitude Yams Autumn Feast Cranberries Parade Gobble Thursday Leaves Gravy
By Ted Gargiulo
DON’T BOTHER ME!
I answered the phone once, back when I still answered phones. A woman’s voice on the other end asked, “Is this the lady of the house?” “Do I sound like the lady of the house???” I said. I could almost picture this person, standing in her kitchen, a blue tooth attached to her skull, holding a script in one hand, and stirring a pot with the other, all the while keeping an eye on her toddler in the next room, who was about to throw his stuffed animals out the window. Funny, isn’t it, how we think, just because a caller disrupts our day, or shatters our concentration, that we have that person’s undivided attention! Not so! The woman became flustered. Apparently, my response wasn’t in her script. “Uhhh...who’s speaking?” “YOU are! What do you want?” “Is your wife available?” “No, she’s not!” I said. “And neither am I!” <click> Unlike most nuisance callers in years past, the ones today have neither the grace nor the practical smarts to pretend that they know the person they’re talking to.
Not that the classic opening line of “Hey Ted, ol’ buddy, how’s it going!” ever fooled me anyway. I knew then it was nothing more than a trendy suck-up ploy to disable my defenses by making me feel special. All it did was betray the brazen phoniness of their pitch and prove to me how UN-special I really was! You should have heard the way these “good buddies” of mine murdered my last name when they tried to pronounce it!
They assume we have nothing better to do with our pathetic little lives than to hop up like trained mutts every time the phone rings. Seems that solicitors no longer feel they need to butter up the “solicitee.” I guess they figure we’re so pitifully shallow and starved for attention, we’ll talk to anybody and believe any assholy pitch we’re handed. What’s more, they haven’t the simple courtesy to wait for us to answer before hanging up and disturbing
Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went in business together? Their slogan was, ‘Either way you get your pet back.’
another dumb slob on their hit list. This current generation of scammers now deploy automatic dialing machines that will call a number 5, maybe 10 times a day. They assume we have nothing better to do with our pathetic little lives than to hop up like trained mutts every time the phone rings. Marketing analysts must have determined the statistical likelihood that most of us will drop everything to answer a call, however many times there’s nobody on the other end! These weasels have us so hard-wired by tradition, they think they OWN us, and have no compunctions about intruding
upon us anytime and as often as they see fit. Dangle the bait often enough and we’ll snap at it! The infamous “Do Not Call Registry,” designed to protect us from unwanted pitches, is so riddled with exceptions and waivers as to render it virtually meaningless. Not only is it powerless to prevent robocalls or discourage scammers, it grants allowances to charities, survey takers, political interests, and any specific group or entity whose federally sanctioned right to pester us outweighs our wish to be left alone. Do the rights of this common schlep count for anything? Evidently not. Who I am and what I think don’t matter. No one regards my feelings, or grants me any concessions. I’m not Congress. I’m not the President. Heck, I’m not even the Lady of the House!
A drunken man gets on the last MST 20 bus of the night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell.” The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!” Tony & Sarah are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
By Daria James
I’m just like you. But different. I watched this video of some celebrities talking about their essentials and majority of their items were not something an average person would afford to possess. However, they were items we all use on different levels. I’m not being jelly, I totally get it. Once upon a time not long ago I shopped at Ross, and I’m admitting it. I won’t take it back. Today, I can have more choices for shopping. The comedians, rappers and athletes I saw on the video have different cash flows than you and I. Nonetheless, I decided to do a list of the Daria Essentials, I like to think I am a low maintenance Lady, or at least I make it look like I am. Both low maintenance and Ladylike. Nothing wrong with self-care. It’s about balance, people. 1. Sunglasses with case: I am near sighted, so unlike some Hipsters that shall remain nameless, I need my black framed glasses, I guess the Universe figured if they were going to take my eyesight, at least I could look cool as I descend into blindness. I have a pair of Ray Ban wafers with my prescription to be able to see and look cool on a sunny day. I carry them in a case and when I need to change my glasses, I just save them in the case, just in case. It’s important to take care of our belongings, I don’t have Ellen money. Which is also why I carry that little cloth to clean my little windows to the world and prevent scratches. 2. Wallet: I have a few wallets
I like to rotate around, some are very minimalist and compact and some are on the elongated side. I cannot commit to one (that is also what I tell my hunnies, hai-yooo), but I guess the bi-fold one is my favorite. I also like the smaller wallets because I keep it simple, I need my driver’s license, debit card, one credit card and recently added a Metro card in DC. Some cash just in case I have to split checks with people who forget how much their share of the bill is. Seriously, that should be the math taught in High school. 3. Backpack/Messenger bag: I need a bigger bag to help me carry my belongings as I make my way through town. Depending on what I am doing that day, I like to carry a small messenger bag or a backpack if I carry my laptop and some books, ok, mainly for snacks. The brain needs fuel. 4. Notebook and Pen: I hate it when I have a burst of comical inspiration and I cannot write it down, I have used my cellphone to write some notes but it is not the same. So, I made it a habit to carry them with me. I like the inky pens, feels like I’m writing with a modern feather. #Quillingit 5. Cellphone: Nowadays, we must be tracked everywhere we go. I’m fighting the actualization by still having a paper agenda for some things. I am guilty of using my cellphone as a camera, minicomputer, mp3 player, and my cyber-pigeon for delivering short messages and funny pics via text. I try to have minimal app usage. Keyword: try. 6. Headphones/Portable Speaker: When I am commuting
to and from work, I like to avoid contact with other humans and use the music to shield me from human interaction, Madonna says music makes the people come together. Ha! It’s a doubleedged Hanzo sword, really. I also like to listen to music when I exercise at the gym. Sometimes our lives are enhanced by adding a soundtrack. I also like to use a speaker when I got bike riding or when I am cleaning the house. I too like to move it, move it. 7. Lip Balm: I like to use the blue Blistex lippy, especially around colder times, I have tried multiple brands and I feel like I get a good result for a low price. Occasionally, I will try a new brand to prevent chapped lips. Then I like to add a hint of this Japanese lipstick for a pinkish color. I tried finding something similar in America but I have not been successful, I thank the Amazon Lords for paying importing fees. And no, that does not make me one of “those pompous people”. 8. House keys with bottle opener: I like to secure my home when I leave and being able to get back inside at the end of the day. Bottle opener is for beverage emergencies, it’s a tool really. If you go to a party and you got an opener you can make some new friends, like a lighter used to do in the 60’s movies when people smoked cigarettes like a decent human being and not those douche vapes. I think we must keep these tools in our lives. Vaping is going to be cancelled and tobacco is going to make a comeback, you could be suave and light a (French accent here) cigarreté for a nice lady. Ladies can have vices too, we are human. 9. Chucks 2.0 (High Tops): They are timeless style but with better insoles, I like the high tops because I like my ankles to feel snug. I was devastated
25 when I found out they aren’t making them anymore. I went to a Converse outlet and bought 3 pairs I hope I can make last until I find another cool and comfortable everyday commuters for my feet. On a similar note, one cannot automatically be cool when wearing Chucks. You have to own it. Mama Rose said: “This people’s got it and this people’s spreadin’ it around!, you either have it, or you had it!” 10. Water: Drinking water is important; I like to be as hydrated as possible. If you don’t, you should really reconsider. Water is life, yo! Water is so important the Illuminati are trying to gain full control of it. But seriously, keeping our bodies hydrated helps our body run smoothly. The dos equis-man tells people to stay thirsty, but I say no dos equisman, hydrate! Whether you drink tap water, fancy water from a French glacier, or alkaline water, is up to you. Just drink water. There you have it, those were my simple bare necessities wherever I wander, whatever I roam. Why stop here? I will be adding some Daria movie reviews, music recommendations, food, drinks, milks, you name it!
A man owes his success to his first wife. And his second wife to his success.
26 on and push! You have to push harder!” She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!” I mean what did she expect? It’s an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow.
First date: “I’ll have a salad.” Second date: “I’ll have a burger.” Third date: “I’ll bet you I can eat this burrito in three bites.”
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Man to his wife, “Do you like it here in Monterey, darling?” “Yes! The view makes me quite speechless, dear!” “Very good, we’re staying 3 weeks.”
Finally I got an idea of what it looks like in a woman’s brain: 126 open tabs in an internet browser.
I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital. “Oh my Lord, how is she,” I asked. “I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse. “What the heck is she complaining about again?”
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests, “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?” Wife looks confused, “But that’s your task, honey.” “What? Why?” “It’s all over the Bible, dearest.” “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee.” The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random, “See, everywhere it says, Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
“Are you insane?!” “Why dear, I thought we agreed we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Mexican cruise!” “Yes, but that was my mother!”
My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity problems. Oh no, hang on, she’s back. She just went to the bathroom.
They say you can’t live without love. I still think oxygen ranks higher.
My wife told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
My wife was feeling awfully sick when I got home from work. It was so bad I had to carry her to the kitchen so she could prepare dinner.
If it’s true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.
Despite protests, I put a highvoltage electric fence around my property. My wife is dead against it.
Girlfriend: ‘Wanna see a magic trick?’ Boyfriend: ‘Sure, babe.’ Girlfriend: ‘BAM! You’re single.’
Boyfriends are like blue jeans. They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this forty years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!” I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.
How do you know a woman doesn’t value honesty? When she asks you, “How do I
I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: “Push honey! Come
“I hate to tell you this”, said the CHOMP Hospitalist, “but you have been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease. We will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” Visibly upset, the patient asked, “What’s with the cheese and bologna diet?” “It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Hospitalist. “It’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
From the Gutter to the Stars Michael Houston, Monterey Busker
By Michael Houston
Three keys that unlock thoughts: drunkenness; trustfulness; love. - Celtic Mystery Triad Three keys that unlock thoughts: DUIs, elder phone scams, aches and pains – Montereyan Triad
Breaking News– As of press time… THE WINNER OF LAST MONTH’S FART JOKE COMPETITIONS is DODI BARKLEY. UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER, WE TRANSCRIBED HER PHONE NUMBER WRONG AND THE COUPLE AT THAT NUMBER WASN’T AMUSED AT AN APPARENT CRANK CALL TRYING TO GIVE THEM A CERTIFICATE FOR FOOD AND DRINK. WE REALLY ARE OFFERING TWENTY-FIVE DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATES TO CROWN AND ANCHOR. DODI, LEAVE A PAPERT TRAIL AND GET YOUR PRIZE ON CONFRONT ME AT TUESDAY ALVARADO STREET OR THE FRIDAY MPC MARKET. NEW RULES FOR TRIAD JOKES: NOVEMBER ENTRIES
MUST BE IN OUR SNAIL EMAIL OR TEXT BY NOVEMBER 20. ALL TIES GO TO THE RUNNER. TWO RANDOMLY SELECTED FOOLISH TRIAD JOKE TELLERS WILL WIN. FIGURE OUT FOR YOURSELVES HOW TO GET US YOUR ENTRIES. (HINT – THERE IS A FOOLISH TIMES WEB SITE AND CONTACT INO INFO ALWAYS LISED ON PAGE THREE IN THE PUBLICATION. NON-WINNERS ARE ENTITLED TO TRY THEIR LUCK AT THE WEDNESDAY NIGHT RUBBER DUCK POETRY SLAM AT EAST VILLAGE.
Election Countdown Joiks, Eegits, and Lunatics, Lend Us Your Ears! The true crashing boors amongst us like making hellishly disfigured piñatas out of perfectly good ideas that they don’t grasp but do dislike. Once launched they’re off inflicting their mind crap on folk with a more nuanced grasp on seeing less economic disparity and more compassion for people in trouble.
I went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. The server poured the water and told us not to drink it.
Hurt the ones we love? In a world of slow obesitybased suicides; (Switch to a Mediterrean diet) and disheartening coronaries in which sugar drinks kill even more people than current wars (Try water.); unfortunate incidents with momentarily estranged significant ones than fire arms (Alcohol-sensitive-car-ignitionlike gun locks, anyone?) “We Can’t Go On With Bigoted Minds.” – E. Presley For all too many god fearing folk out of their better angels shadows, strangers, unfortunates, and our fellow mentally deranged brothers and sisters who are just minding their own business have to risk abuse and worse should they get sighted or cross our bigoted minds. Homeless people don’t desire daily misery, but they may not want to forgo the nocturnal company of their partners and/or companion animals. Stranger abuse is ungodly and shocking all together! (In the Old Testament, the good lord of heaven comes on with fire and brimstone for those who aren’t hospitable. I try this one on bartenders to no avail, and the wife refuses to allow me unannounced house guests. I ask myself, “How do I evade my just deserts at the hand of the deity? Can the old fielders glove in the garage catch fire and brimstone? And if it does is it considered trash, compost, or a green bin item?” Strangers, mad snipers, and terrorists are far less likely to do
27 gun violence than females’ male partners. I don’t have the stats for LGBTQ and undeclared gender couples, but I call on my readers to keep firearms out of their family gatherings and tête-à-têtes during the holiday season. White Supremacists and freelance water bottle throwing Anarchist Nazi hunters, I order you to keep the peace right through the election cycle or I’ll play out of tune and sing off key. (Okay, busker, thank you for sharing. Now get off the soap box, Elmer Gantry!) Now whilst celebrating the farmers markets of Monterey County I ask you to give open handedly to musicians, beggars, and vendors. Remember it’s the evil that you do that lives after you, so kindness goes into the ether and you can’t be blamed for encouraging shiftlessness when no one remembers you did anything of the sort. You and your random acts of kindness! Truth seekers, go to the farmers’ market of your choice! Buy delicacies to take home from the market! Siamese Bay faire is exquisite. Lovely humus, tamales, pollo, churros, blade sharpenings, police badge stickers, kettle corn, English toffee, greens, onions, broccoli, chicken sticks, pollo asado, mushrooms, salsas, plants, Peruvian sweaters, hand crafted jewelry, vintage clothes, child violinists, Joey’s amazing funk fugues, and Jefferies nuts await your pleasure. Stop by and see me for some Irish ballads or Latin American kids songs. I’ll keep a pair of maracas or a tambourine warm for you. Let’s all get together and feel all right! Peace, Love, and Understanding…
First Friday Art Walk
Men Make Dinner Day
Día de los Muertos is the theme as Oldtown hosts artists, music, spoken word and goodish treats. www.1stfridays.org
November 1-10 Men on Boats
Ten explorers, trappers, hunters, a mapmaker and one Brit adventuring in the great American West challenge the Green and Colorado Rivers. By the way, there isn’t a man in the 10-member cast. westernstage.com
Created for two reasons: First, it is to give the ladies a break from the cooking chores. Secondly, it seeks to encourage men who do not cook, to learn. You must also do the entire cleanup.
November 3 Housewife’s Day
Housewife is an old term. It hails back to the days when one income could support the family. Celebrate and thank all of the ladies who choose to stay home and tend to their families.
November 7-9 Big Sur Food & Wine
At press time, most events are either sold out or close. Proceeds support local nonprofits that benefit health, safety, education and arts. bsfw.org
November 9-Dec 7 Evita
An ordinary woman’s meteoric rise to power. Eva Perón, a hero to the poor and the working class – and an enemy to the rich and powerful. Reflects the voice of the people of Argentina who came to see Evita as the spiritual leader of their nation. westernstage.com
November 10 Monterey Bay Half Marathon
The main event is sold out. Registration is open for the Pacific Grove Lighthouse 5K and the By-the-Bay 3K. bigsurmarathon.org
November 12 Peter B’s Brew Tour
Comedy Nite at a Reasonable Hour
The first game of the season for our Sea-Kings. The only pro team in the county. MPC is the place, Fresno Sun Rays are the opponents. seakingsbasketball.com
November 2 Country Nights
Kristian Bush of Sugarland and Rita Wilson ride into the fairgrounds for an intimate night of music, story telling, food trucks and local wine & brews. montereycowboy.org
November 3 Still Life with Cello
Monterey County Composers’ Forum presents Special guest Douglas Machiz performing six pieces that were created especially for him. Proceeds benefiting YAC. YAC art will also be displayed. mccomposers.org
Santa Cruz funny guy, Richard Stockton brings his buddy Jonny Steele to the Carmel Foundation to make wise about such topics as Hi-Fi to Wi-Fi, Oxfords to orthopedics and hippy to hip replacement. planetcruz.org
November 9 Monterey Comedy Improv
The Dream Theater hosts this wacky troupe for an evening of unpredictable comedy. montereycomedyimprove.com
Gain appreciation and see how these award winning beers are made. The best part is tasting. portolahotel.com
November 13 Sadie Hawkins Day
Originated from a cartoon, “Lil Abner”. The mayor of Dogpatch was desperate to marry off his ugly daughter. A race is held and all the single men were given a short head start. Then, all the single women, including the mayor’s daughter, chased the boys. If a girl catches her man, he had to marry her.
November 21-Dec 8 Superior Donuts
November 17 Sesame Street
Can you believe it’s been fifty years? First aired Nov 10, 1969, the show was created to test the power of TV for early child development. It’s the longest running children’s show in American TV history. A star studded special with lots of surprises. KQED @ 7pm
An award-winning comedy about an unlikely friendship between a down-and-out hippy donut shop owner and a young upstart. An uplifting story that reminds us that family, friends and donuts are important. mpctheatreco.com
November 21-Dec 22 Chicago
Chicago has everything that makes Broadway great. Featuring one show-stopping song after another and the most astonishing dancing you’ll ever see. Honored with six Tony Awards, two Olivier Awards and a Grammy. pacrep.org
November 20 Twilight Cycling
What cyclist wouldn’t enjoy the thrill of a challenging 300foot climb followed by an aweinspiring descent? weathertechraceway.com
November 30 November 28 Thanksgiving
A day when vegetarians, vegans and turkeys feel the same way. Although we all agree that there is so much to be thankful for.
November 29 Buy Nothing Day
Are you tired of the commercialism of Christmas? Then, this special day is for you. A twenty-four hour moratorium on holiday shopping.
November 30 B-Side Players
Described as War meets Lenny Kravitz by way of Ben Harper. This San Diego band incorporate the sounds of funk, rock, jazz and hip-hop rhythms. thejadelounge.com
Novemebr 23 An Evening with Bruce Cockburn
November 21 WC Songwriters Competition
A gathering of likeminded people. Come see. Come hear. Come with your song or spoken word and be in the moment. Hosted by Downtown Book & Sound. westcoastsongwriters.org
Small Business Saturday
Score one for the local guys who open their doors every day, lives in your neighborhood and contributes to our community.
Canadian born singer-songwriter comes to town on the heels of his thirty third album. Cockburn has written more than 300 songs over a career spanning 40 years. goldenstatetheatre.com
November 30 November 29 Tree Lighting
Cannery Row celebrates the holiday season with classic holiday carolers, Kris Kringle himself and a few of his reindeer. canneryrow.com
The Second City
The Good, the Bad & the Ugly Sweater. The Second City is celebrating over sixty years of producing cutting-edge satirical revues. Roast the chestnuts out of all the things we lovingly loathe about the holiday season. sunsetcenter.org
Answers from page 19
A police officer in Carmel stopped a motorist who was speeding down Ocean Ave. “But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
Answers from page 23
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Eﬃcient, Respected and Experienced. IRS problems? Call for solutions. 831.625.4272
CA TRAVEL BOOKS
Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
Trinkle Real Estate
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Available on short notice. We will take good care of your loved one. Expanded services include pet care, light housekeeping and errands. Excellent references. CPR certiﬁed. 831.277.8780
Attention to Detail Florida is the place to be. Aﬀordable, warm ocean, great roads, no state income tax. 806.206.8179 www.trinklereality.com RE license # BK3240757 CERAMICS
APPLIANCE REPAIR Jeﬀ’s Appliance Repair & Service
In home service and repair. Available for emergencies seven days a week. Residential and commercial. Courteous, punctual and cleans up. 831.7472036
PHONE REPAIR Fix It All
Cell Phones, tablets, PC’s & Audio Devices.Fast, Convenient,Aﬀordable. Del Monte Center 831.38.4851
WIN Dinner for Two at Crown & Anchor 831.648.1038
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
HEALING Lauris Wellness Center Where wellness & beauty come together. Chakra Alignment, Reiki Healing, Aura Cleansing, Maya Readers 831.235.6627
To Advertise on Top Notch: Email firstname.lastname@example.org or call 831.648.1038
THE Resale TRAIL SPCA BENEFIT SHOP Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consignments, Vintage & Thrift!
WORKING MAN FURNITURE 10728 Merritt St Downtown Castroville 831.789.5901
FASHION TRADE BOUTIQUE 554 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.747.1314 fashiontrademonterey.com
November Featured Shop FASHION TRADE BOUTIQUE
New owner, same great quality and eye for fashion. A wide variety of gently used ladies clothing, accessories, jewelry and very cute shoes. We also have a few things for the men in your life.
CAROUSEL CONSIGNMENT 490 Orange Ave Sand City 831.521.3672
HABITAT RESTORE 4230 Gigling Road Marina 831.272.4830 habitatmontereybay.org
LAST CHANCE MERCANTILE 14201 Del Monte Blvd. Marina 831.384.5313 mrwmd.org
To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
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