HEALTH & WELLBEING
Fluid families Story by Lori-Ellen Grant.
My Nana raised five children and the domestic world was her domain. And she was good at it. She loved lavender and there were always dried bunches around her home, scenting our rooms. There were boxes of old comics, dress ups and games. She taught us knitting and crafting and she was the best recycler I’ve ever met. I still have some of the foil Easter egg wrappers that she carefully smoothed out to reuse. I didn’t really appreciate all that she did. In my world as a child, it all just seemed to happen. But when I think back now from my perspective as a partner and parent, there was so much love in the simplicity and care in their home. I was a late bloomer when in came to family life and it came as something of a shock. I didn’t appreciate the time involved in the household tasks necessary to keep everything running with four children – three of them under five years old. Achieving order is like trying to tame the sea. There are brief moments of calm and then it’s wild again. Learning to appreciate – even enjoy – this chaos was new to me. Attitudes around running the household are formed by generational and familial experiences. As a health practitioner, I hear many people’s stories about their domestic lives and how they reckon internally and externally with their everyday reality. These experiences, including my own, reveal the internal tension we can create through the stories we tell ourselves about our lives. For many women, these stories involve a variation on having it all and doing it all. But the ‘all’ too often involves sacrificing the personal wellness of the woman at the centre. To those women, I say: it’s 76
alright for your needs to be met too. However, no one knows what you want if you don’t tell them. Ask, adjust and collaborate, so that everyone’s needs within the family are considered. And then ask again; regular check ins help reduce slippage into old habits. One of the great things about teaching our own children about accountability is that it’s best taught and modelled in the home by both parents. Asking for what you want isn’t simple. You have to know what you want. See it, feel it, embody it and it becomes more straightforward to take the right action. Parenting (I think) can be fun. But when we have an empty tank it’s a whole lot less fun for everyone. When I feel depleted, I take off for a run in the natural landscape around my home. That hour of solitude fills my bucket and being in nature feels as refreshing as a dip in the sea. More often than not, everything is fine after that. Knowing what takes you back to your sweet spot is key. Of course, the house still has to function. One idea is to hold a family meeting to discuss all of the household tasks, from paying the mortgage to feeding the baby, all the way through to cleaning up the yard. Having an open discussion about all the responsibilities and jobs that make up a household puts everyone on the same page – and gives every individual the chance to put their hand up for what they can do. In my own experience, everyone began to see how many things there were to do so it encouraged everyone in the family to put their hands up to help. These conversations aren’t only about getting lunches packed and the kids to school on time. They’re about creating a vision for how we want our families to relate to each other and to the wider community. Today’s families are no longer determined by gender-based norms. Men AND women work, cook, parent and clean. Our roles within and outside the home are more fluid, embracing blood family and chosen family together; we open our homes, sharing and merging the journey of family life and community life. We are all in this together and looking after each other means also looking after ourselves. Let’s infuse our fluid family lives with joy, smell the lavender and keep it simple.
