[New] Why can’t siblings just get along?

By Katharine Willsher

Siblings. One minute they are the best of friends, the next minute they’re at each other’s throats. Why can’t they just get along?

The Parenting by Connection approach developed by US charity, Hand in Hand Parenting recommends listening tools to help parents when there is conflict between their children.

Some key understandings of the approach are that children are at their best when their ‘connection cups’ are filled and they’ve had a chance to offload any difficult emotions with a caring listener.

Any sign of harshness from one sibling to another can be taken as a sign that the child is not feeling connected or relaxed enough to function properly. The rational part of their brain is off-line.

Dealing with conflict in the moment:

Avoid shouting. Yelling at an off-track child just frightens them more, making it more likely that they will continue to be unable to act thoughtfully.

Limit your words and step in calmly. Offer eye contact and gentle touch. Move in to prevent injuries if things get physical.

Look for a mood shift. Our brains communicate with each other simply through presence. When you are calm, your child’s brain will detect safety and connection and they may burst into healing tears, erupt into a tantrum or even offer an authentic, unprompted apology.

Listen to any big feelings with warm presence Good listening is enough. Very few words are needed as your child deals with difficult emotions.

Improving sibling relationships

Soapbox time! Set up an opportunity for each sibling to rant and rage about the other (away from any other siblings) and to fully express all of their frustrations. Listen well, acknowledge feelings. Resist the urge to counter or fix these feelings, just let them run.

Build your connection with each child. Fill up your children’s ‘connection cups’ with individual attention. A regular, really intentional five minutes of warm focus on a child can make all the difference.

Become a detective. Notice the times your children are most at odds with each other and increase your connection with them.

Increase physical play. Games where siblings get to unite against parents are particularly good for rivalry (balled-up sock fight anyone)?!