No More Misery
A
s I sit at my kitchen table looking at my empty breakfast dishes, I think about how different my relationship with mealtime is since I found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA). Before FA, my meal and snack times were the highlight of my day. They were the only times I got a break from my misery. Because I looked forward to mealtimes so much, I’d feel disappointed when they were over, so I’d extend them for as long as I could with another slice of this or another piece of that. I’d stuff in more food, even though I was full. Anything to delay returning to the reality of just how miserable I was. I understood the vicious cycle I was in. The more I ate the bigger I got and the more miserable I became. But I felt powerless to break that cycle. Plus, I didn’t want to give up food. Food was my best friend. Now I prepare, weigh, and measure my food. I sit down at a table. There’s a napkin, a placemat, and silverware. I thank God for my meal and ask that it nourish me in body, mind, and spirit. Sometimes I marvel at the new way I take care of myself. Look at this amazing meal that I made for myself! Look at how I love myself with good wholesome food and take the time to enjoy every bite. No more eating on the run, grabbing connection
something on the way, or eating standing up or in the car. Program has taught me that I’m worth the 20 minutes or so it takes to sit down and focus on nourishing myself. Because each meal is abstinent, weighed, and measured, it truly does nourish not just my body, but my mind and spirit. No longer do I have to make something “special” if I’ve had a bad day. All my food is special because it feeds my recovery. Having only been in Program for almost two years, I know I have a long way to go. But now I feel satisfied when I finish a meal. I’m not tempted to have more. I’m so grateful for the boundaries I have around food because they have brought me so many gifts. The first gift is I know what it feels like to be full. When the meal is over, I’ve had enough and it’s time to clean up and move on to the next right thing. And because I’m not miserable anymore, I don’t see eating as this oasis in my day. I don’t have to fill myself up with food anymore to feel satisfied. I use the tools of the program to fill me up. Another gift is that I’m in a right-sized body. I was never one to get on the “body positive” bandwagon. I admired others who could, but I just hated myself way too much to appreciate my body at almost 200 9
