Essential Grace Magazine Anniversary Year Edition

Essential Grace Magazine Essential Grace Magazine July 2022 Vol. 2 Issue 12 July 2022

Vol. 2 Issue 12

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July 2022

Essential Grace Magazine has reached the 2-year milestone!

A huge thank you to all our readers, contributors, and supporters. We would not have made it this far without you.

To many more!

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July 2022

In this Issue …

Monthly Theme International Self-Care Day (July 24, 2022) Self-care for Single Parents Social Wellness Month Mental Health Emotional Healing Understanding Grief Health and Wellness Healthy Eating; Intentional Relationships with Food Resources

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July 2022

Dear Reader,

Welcome to the 2nd year Anniversary Edition of Essential Grace Magazine!!

It has been an insightful and exciting 12 months for us, sourcing, researching and presenting the content that has graced your monthly publication. I never take this platform for granted. I am always grateful to all those who have willingly contributed to our content and publications in one way or another. Please know how much we at Essential Grace appreciate your participation.

We also greatly appreciate our readers, there would be no magazine without you. Your feedback and interaction with us is invaluable.

As editor, I believe mine is the most gratifying position as it allows me the privilege of reading and learning about each topic and article before it is published.

This month I have learnt about the need for self-care and how this can add so much value to our quality of life. Social wellness is another important area to be aware of. It really challenges the way we position ourselves in society and how we look after our own needs as well as those of others.

I look forward to another year of mental health and wellness content to share with you. Remember, all comments, questions, and feedback are welcome.

Let us know through our social media pages or directly to the editor through essentialgrace@zoho.com Enjoy the read!

Julie Soko Managing Editor

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July 2022

Julie Soko

Mtendere Kishindo

Thandi De Jong

Naomi Msusa

Managing Editor

Sub - Editor

Editorial Assistant

Editorial Art and Design

Essential Grace is a free online publication that is focused of promoting mental health and wellness in Malawi and around the world.

Follow and subscribe to the magazine at www.issuu.com/essentialgrace follow, like, and share on our social media platforms; @EssentialGraceMagazine @essentialgracemagazine.mw 0995 147 290 Comments and feedback on any of our content can be addressed to essentialgrace@zoho.com

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July 2022

Did you know …

Most of our editorial content is contributed by our readers. We welcome your ideas, articles, questions, images, and feedback.

Submit your content to the editor at essentialgrace@zoho.com

Special thanks to this month’s contributors: Steveria Kadangwe Thoko Njoloma Linda @Talk Therapy Roshin Ebrahim Chilungamo M’manga Violet Mtali

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July 2022

Monthly Theme

International Self–Care Day is celebrated each year on the 24th of July.

This day was established in 2011, with the focus being on raising awareness for self-care and empowering people with the knowledge and capacity to be active participants in their own wellness.

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July 2022

World Self-care Day

By Steveria Kadangwe 8|Es s en ti al Gr a ce Mag azi ne

July 2022

Until I saw the theme for the magazine this month, I did not know that the 24th of July is International Self-Care Day. Self-care is an important yet often neglected topic. We see it as a luxury and therefore think our lives are too busy or there is too much going on such that we cannot be self-indulgent and take care of ourselves. Often, we think it is selfish and therefore neglect to stop for to refill until we become mere shells.

In the worst cases, mental health problems such as depression and anxiety can result from poor self-care.

But what does self-care mean? One definition says self-care includes everything related to staying physically healthy. This includes hygiene, exercise, nutrition and seeking medical care when needed as well as managing stressors and taking care of mental health and wellbeing.

It is essential now more than ever for everyone to look after themselves and take time out so that they are better able to face the opportunities and challenges that come with life. The past two years have been intense. The pandemic, politics at home and abroad, international conflicts, global financial issues and disasters seem to be ongoing.

To write informal eighteen talked to

this article, I carried out an survey (thank you to the friends that responded). As I them, I became introspective

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and realised that there is a lot of used to in my own self-care process. I used to be intentional about doing things for myself and somehow lost that, I need to get it back.

One friend gave me the idea to categorise self-care methods, and the following are responses from the eighteen friends that contributed.

Physical self-care: hiking, exercise, long walks, bike rides, running, eating healthy meals, and staying hydrated.

Relational or social self-care: spending time with children, going to networking events, joining a club or a social activity, chatting with friends, cuddles (or more than cuddles).

Leisure based self-care: watching movies, outdoor events, concerts, going to the cinema, listening to music of a specific genre, singing, listening to audiobooks or podcasts and dancing (the number of my friends who dance surprised me!)

Creative self-care: writing, gardening, painting, decorating, crochet, DIY, baking, composing music Solitude self-care: time alone to recharge, doing nothing, sleeping, solo trips and getaways. One friend said that a week away from everyone, including family, would do the trick.

July 2022

Pampering self-care: massage, manicures and pedicures and facials, getting hair done into elaborate styles, taking long baths, buying the most expensive thing they can afford, and another friend said spending a lot of money on themselves.

Adventurous self-care: camping, long drives, travel, being in nature, vacation trips. Eating amazing food also featured a lot in amongst my friends – eating good food, cooking, and going to expensive restaurants were some things mentioned.

Mental/ emotional/ psychological self-care: I loved what some of my friends said that falls into this category. A few talked about setting boundaries without feeling guilty. There are many people who know how to push their

buttons and therefore self-care entails speaking up for themselves and not accepting what they do not want just to please others. Another friend talked about choosing what to be involved with, not saying yes to everything just because.

Managing stress using some ways, like exercise also made the list, as did crying and seeing a therapist.

These are important conversations to have. A lot of self-awareness is required to find what works for you. There is no prescription. Try until you find something that you need and that works for you.

Self-care is crucial for mental health and overall wellbeing.

Why not take some time out on 24th July to do something special in honour of self-care day.

Some responses that I received related to life situations. These were some of the responses from my friends on how they tackle self-care: “What self-care?”

“I haven’t found the formula yet, especially now with the high cost of living. I cannot do what I used to enjoy (long drives).”

“I last did something that resembled self-care in 2020, but so many challenging situations have happened since then, I have not had time.”

“I know that crying is internalising, but I often feel better when I cry.”

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July 2022

Self-care for Single Parents

By Thoko Njoloma 11 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

July 2022

Did you know that globally the number of single parent households is growing every day, with more households being headed by women? While the actual statistic remains unknown, in 2014 the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) established that 17 percent of children came from single parent household. These numbers are estimated to have almost doubled in the past five years. Whether you found yourself single by choice or due to unexpected circumstances, you would agree that single parenting is often challenging. The demand to balance parenting, career and life in general can be a stretch, which eventually causes extra fatigue, stress, and pressure. When this happens, focusing on self-care is extremely important.

I am a single parent to a 12-year-old girl.

My divorce got finalised four years ago, but before then, we had gone on separation for over six months. This was the most challenging period in my parenting, as there was neither rehearsal nor a transition plan to single parenting. It was a different form of crash landing. I was already going through the stress of separation and dealing with the issues that led to our marriage break-up. I remember seeing myself going into depression and mental break-down. But I needed to be a parent too. I could never have taken a break from that role. And I quickly realised how desperately I needed some self-care training. The paradox of self-care is that it is hard to do when you desperately need it.

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I was unmotivated, unwilling, and disinterested in anything that took me out of my bed. I just wanted to lay in bed, cry myself to sleep and eat junk. Adding to the insult, I ‘over-parented’ my daughter.

In case you have never heard this term, it is simply means being excessively involved in the day-to-day life of (one's child or children), typically in the desire to shield them from difficult situations or help them succeed. I did it for both reasons, as well as out of the need to prove to my ex and the world that I can do it. That I am a great mother, and to remove the guilt and shame of divorce (and single parenting). It is toxic and exhausting.

A year later I was diagnosed with an acute illness (because of excessive stress hormones in my body) that required emergency surgery. Amidst therapy, rehabilitation, and counseling to get my life back, I made one decision – to make self-care a priority. While self-care looks different for each person, the goal is to manage stress and maintain and enhance both short and longer-term health and well-being. I want to live longer and healthier for myself and my daughter.

Here are my top five tips to self-care for single parents: Setting healthy and firm boundaries – the most difficult person to establish boundaries with other your child(ren) is you. How many times have you promised yourself to get out and exercise, and then not do it? Learn to say no to yourself and people around you. When you are a single parent, your time and energy is limited.

Learn to set realistic goals and July 2022

expectations with people around you (including your children). Say no as much as you need it, and don’t feel guilty about it. Also say no to yourself often; Say no to eating junk, say no to sleeping in when its time to go for a morning jog. No is a complete sentence.

Create me time – every day I make sure I take a break from my parenting role.

I creatively do this by establishing a bedtime routine with my daughter that begins quite early. She is 12 years old and her bedtime is 8:30pm. Often children will try to push boundaries and gauge your reaction. Be calm but firm. After putting her to bed, I quickly take a shower, cleanup what needs to be cleaned and I lay on my couch for some me time. This is also my best time to reflect on the day, focus on myself and what I want to achieve. It is my time to recharge. It is sacred.

Play a lot – I was born playful, and truly enjoy it. No matter what it looks like, I make time to play, and be silly. Single parenting creates tension in my life and being the only adult in the house can be stressful. Throughout the day, I create slots to play within my schedule. This usually goes along my work breaks. Instead of stretching or exercising during break, I play – dance, wiggle, do some weird moves and laugh at myself, stand at the mirror, and make some funny faces. The goal is to de-stress. Its therapeutic.

Create a support system – Build a network of people you can count on. This

is a must-do for every single parent. Being the only source of care and support for your children is scary. You are constantly thinking ‘what if something happens to me and I can no longer fend for my children?’ Reach out to family and friends and discuss any emergency plans. Make those plans official. Put them in writing if possible. This is why a Will is also essential for every single parent. Never leave things to fate. Your support system is also a source of help when you feel overwhelmed and in need of help. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help.

Get out and hangout – let’s be real, time and again you need adult connections. Take time to go out and hang out with your buddies. Discuss adult issues without the interference of your children.

Always remember that you are an individual first before being a parent, and that your children need you mentally and physically healthy. Make sure to fill your cup first, before pouring out into others.

Thoko Njoloma is a transformational coach and a women empowerment advocate. She founded Woman of Valor, a Canadian based social enterprise that provides coaching and leadership training for women.

Connect with her on

Facebook: facebook.com/thewomanofvalor Facebook group: Women Empowerment Movement-Global Instagram: Womanofvalour22

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July 2022

Health Literacy – learning about and gaining a better understanding of your health Self-Awareness – being able to take stock of your mental health and get help if you need it Physical Activity – getting your heart rate up and boosting your mood; Healthy Eating – focusing on simple ways you can add more nutritious foods to your diet Risk Avoidance – this refers to reducing behaviors that will increase your risk of health issues Good Hygiene – reduce the spread of illness with hand, dental and body hygiene Optimal Use of Products and Services – appropriately using products and services available to you, like medications, physiotherapy, counselling, etc With these seven themes in mind, think about your daily routine. Are these themes common for you? If not, consider modifying your routine a little at a time to achieve a healthier lifestyle.

Aim to cook more and enjoy meals at home. Walk to the grocery store next time instead of driving. Challenge yourself to read one article about health from a reputable source per day (The New York Times has a whole section full of interesting health-related

articles; click here to check them out).

These small changes will add up!

Read more of this article here

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July 2022

Social wellness defines the human ability to build strong, nurturing, and meaningful connections with people around us.

Meaningful human connections are an important aspect of our emotional and mental health. Such relationships provide a support structure when times get tough, and share in our joys in good times.

Being socially aware means knowing how to develop and maintain meaningful relationships, making healthy boundaries, and cultivating trust.

Being human, we are social creatures. Yet sometimes we need to learn how to develop good social networks as this skill may not come easily to everyone.

Read on to discover what social wellness looks like, as well as how to cultivate a healthy version of it.

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July 2022

Social Wellness Checklist MAKE CONNECTIONS Social

To find new social connections:

connections might help protect health

o Join a group focused on a favourite hobby.

and lengthen life. Scientists are finding

o Take a class to try something new.

that our links to others can have

o Try yoga, tai chi, or another new

powerful effects on our health.

physical activity.

Whether with family, friends,

o Join a choral group, theatre troupe, band,

neighbours, romantic partners, or

or orchestra.

others, social connections can influence

o Help at a community garden or park.

our biology and well-being. Look for

o Volunteer at a school, library, or hospital.

ways to get involved with others.

o Participate in neighbourhood events. o Join a local community group. o Travel to different places and meet

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF WHILE CARING FOR OTHERS Many of us will end up becoming a caregiver at some point in our lives. The stress and strain of caregiving can take a toll on your health. It’s important to find ways to care for your health while caring for

others. Depending on your circumstances, some self-care strategies may be more difficult to carry out than others. Choose ones that work for you.

new people To take care of yourself while caring for others: o Make to-do lists, and set a daily routine. o Ask for help. Make a list of ways others can help. o Try to take breaks each day. o Keep up with your hobbies and interests when you can. o Join a caregiver’s support group.

o Eat healthy foods, and exercise as often as you can. o Build your caregiver skills. Some hospitals offer classes on how to care for someone with an injury or illness

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July 2022

To build strong relationships with your kids:

BOND WITH YOUR KIDS Parents have

o Catch kids showing good behaviour and

an important job. Raising kids is both

offer specific praise.

rewarding and challenging. Being

o Give children meaningful jobs at home

sensitive, responsive, consistent, and available to your kids can help you build

positive, healthy relationships with them.

The strong emotional bonds that result

and positive recognition afterward. o Use kind words, tones, and gestures. o Spend some time every day in warm,

help children learn how to manage their

positive, loving interaction with your kids.

own feelings and behaviors and develop

o Brainstorm solutions to problems

self-confidence. Children with strong

together.

connections to their caregivers are more

o Set rules for yourself for mobile devices

likely to be able to cope with life’s

and other distractions.

challenges.

o Ask about your child’s concerns, worries, goals, and ideas.

BUILD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

o Participate in activities your child enjoys.

Strong, healthy relationships are important throughout your life. They can

To build healthy relationships:

impact your mental and physical well-

o Share your feelings honestly.

being. As a child you learn the social skills

o Ask for what you need from others.

you need to form and maintain

o Listen to others without judgement or

relationships with others. But at any age you can learn ways to improve your

relationships. It’s important to know what a healthy relationship looks like and how to keep your connections supportive.

blame. Be caring and empathetic. o Disagree with others respectfully.

Conflicts should not turn into personal attacks. o Compromise. Try to come to agreements

For other wellness topics, please visit www.nih.gov/wellnesstoolkits

that work for everyone. o Protect yourself from violent and abusive people. Set boundaries with others.

Decide what you are and aren’t willing to do. It’s okay to say no.

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July 2022

Why is Social Wellness Important?

Social wellness requires one to have good social support. In fact, one of the most important factors of social wellness is having a good and healthy support system. Social support can be one or all the following: Emotional support. How people around you express their love and affection through their actions and words. This can be through a romantic relationship, family members, close friends Active support. The practical ways that others can show support, helping with illness, babysitting, financial support, being with someone.

Informative support. Being there to provide direction, guidance, and instruction for others, such as a life coach, a mentor, or a pastor.

Healthy relationships are a vital component of health, having good and healthy social relationships can be directly linked to health. The health risks from being alone or isolated in one’s life are comparable to the risks associated with smoking, high blood pressure and obesity, it is something that will make your life shorter and less enjoyable.

Proof of this is seen in studies done which show healthy social networks enhance the immune system’s ability to fight off infectious diseases. People who have a strong social network tend to live longer because the heart and blood pressure of people with healthy relationships respond better to stress Being socially connected allows us to create and maintain healthy relationships. It also helps us to learn social skills and know how to seek the social support that we need around us.

When we allow ourselves to develop social skills and work on a healthier social life, our selfesteem improves and so does our ability to withstand challenges in life. We learn to trust others and become more confident in recognizing and asking for what we need from others.

Cultivating social wellness is not instantaneous; you need to intentionally put time, energy, and effort into the process. As you grow socially, the process should begin to develop into a fulfilling and rewarding experience. Why not try out some of the ideas below to help you get started:

Get a hobby where you can meet people of similar interests, start going to the gym, aerobics class, or hiking club, join an activity group, networking site or social group, volunteer for something that is close to your heart, go on regular outings with friends or family, reconnect with old friends that you shared a lot in common with.

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July 2022

Mental Health

If others say one thing but do another, you are lying to yourself if you don’t listen to their actions.

But if you are truthful with yourself, you will save yourself a lot of emotional pain.

Telling yourself the truth about it may hurt but you don’t need to be attached to the pain.

Healing is on the way, and it’s just a matter of time before things will be better for you.

Miguel Ruiz

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July 2022

I had a lot of practice at separating my physical sensations as precursors to full blown emotions (in Talk Therapy) by Linda. January 26, 2017 from the thoughts my mind would form in https://sanctuary4compassion.com/can-talking-about-yourresponse, telling myself emotions-improve-your-heart-health/ often that you must be logical and rational and A significant part of my family culture not move forward from an emotional or viewed emotional expression as “irrational” experience. I got skilled at unacceptable or, at least, unnecessary and ignoring even some basic biological needs, would disengage or withdraw from anyone such as hunger as these experiences were that openly displayed emotions. Also, any not emanating from the mind’s rational public display of affection (PDA) was control. Now, learning to compartmentalize discouraged, so, as a young child, I learned in this way is not necessarily detrimental in to ignore my emotions to be accepted by the moment. In fact, it can be quite helpful my family. It wasn’t until I was a young in times of chaos or crisis. However, after adult that I began to realize I struggled to years of trying to follow the family rules of ‘control’ my emotions and, when I couldn’t, minimal emotional expression, I began to my self-talk became very judgmental, experience a degradation of my physical making me think there was something health, including an increase in my weight, wrong with me because I had these blood pressure, blood sugar, and “bad” emotions that would leak out at the most cholesterol levels. And, as I mentioned, my emotions began exposing themselves more inappropriate times. frequently, many times when I least expected them to do so.

Can talking about your emotions improve your heart health?

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July 2022

It was at that point that I began searching for ways to get healthier, such as changing my diet and increasing exercise in my daily routine. I also began traditional psychotherapy. What I came to discover was that the level of stress I was experiencing was magnified by disowning my emotional self and trying to bring my emotions under rational control. What I didn’t know at that time was that my amygdala, an area of the brain linked to stress, was in a heightened state of alert to danger, working overtime and causing a chain reaction of inflammation in my body. When I began to learn how to befriend my feelings and not view them as the enemy that needs to be conquered, I started to sense an experience of relief. As I got curious about my emotions and the messages behind them, I was able to begin to embrace the wisdom of my body and allow my emotions to have a voice in my decision-making and relationships.

Now, this wasn’t a quick and easy process. I had to challenge not only my transgenerational, long-held family belief that emotions are BAD and I had to do so within a larger, societal culture that values the logical over the emotional. Yet, with courage and support, the more I did, the better I felt. Initially, I felt like an outsider or worse a traitor within my family. It was also difficult at first to even identify the powerful emotions that I was experiencing as most of the time they were masked by anger. As I learned to be more patient and accepting of myself, I was able to notice where I felt the emotions in my body and with the help of my psychotherapist, I was able to find a name for what I was feeling and explore why such emotions were arising. Many times the sensations I would experience in my body would be pain in my head (i.e., 21 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

tension headaches) or heaviness in my chest, around my heart, making it difficult to breathe.

As I got better at observing my body responses and understanding the messages behind my emotions, I was able to honor the wisdom and guidance being offered, instead of resisting, denying, or stuffing down my emotions. I learned to listen more deeply to my body and respond to situations by integrating both the intelligence of the logical and the emotional parts of my mind. As I did, my body rewarded me with an overall improvement in my physical health, including a lowering of my blood pressure, sugar, and cholesterol levels. I also found that I didn’t need to spend so much energy trying to control my emotions, as my emotions became more naturally balanced and felt less overwhelming. My personal experience convinced me that when we fear rejection or abandonment from our tribe and/or behave in ways to feel accepted by the people around us although those behaviors are uncomfortable and distressing our bodies try to absorb the chronic psychological stress of trying to “fit in and be someone we are not to avoid the emotional pain that might come from being different (and unacceptable).

So when a new research study was published in The Lancet, due to my own personal experience, it didn’t come as a surprise to me that the results reflect a link between how the brain manages stress and an increase in the risk of heart disease. I always felt that there was a connection between the emotional pain of heart break (in other words, rejection and lack of acceptance) and the leading cause of death, heart dis-ease!

July 2022

Emotional Healing

By Roshin Ebrahim behaviors. So, what can help to relieve How do you recover when you feel utterly

this agony? What can help a person heal

crushed by life? When your heart aches with

from emotional distress? For one to get

every beat? When you are devastated! Life

started on the road to healing, one needs to

dishes you up with many hardships and

understand how emotional distresses works.

every hurt feels like a personal attack.

Emotions are part of our psyche, and any

When people say, ‘we understand what you

process relating to them are imbedded in

are going through,’ do they really mean it?

our personality. Therefore, in order to get

People experience emotional distress in

relief from emotional distress, one needs to

different ways and in varying degrees of

heal from an emotional level. You may

intensity. Most will go through sadness,

wonder if it is even possible, and the answer

anxiety, anger, and mood swings. Some

is yes! Emotional healing is possible and

may turn to addiction, obsessions,

very life changing. You just have to be open

compulsions, and self-sabotaging

to the experience.

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July 2022

What is emotional healing?

your chest that was making you feel

The reality that everyone tends to run away

burdened.

from is that you will never be the same person as you were before experiencing a traumatic emotional distress, or after you heal from it. But that should not scare you away as you may surprise yourself by making it through the process and become free from whatever chains were holding you down.

When do you need emotional healing?

Every individual needs emotional healing at some point in their lives as we all experience challenges and difficult emotions that we need to process. Some common life stressors that people need healing from could be the loss of a loved one, divorce, breakups, job loss, abuse

Emotional healing is the process of

(emotional, physical and sexual), illness,

acknowledging, allowing, accepting,

trauma, toxic relationship bonding.

integrating and processing painful experiences and strong emotions. It involves empathy, self-regulation, selfcompassion, self-acceptance and mindfulness. Once you are prepared to fully acknowledge, be felt, moved though and to process your emotions, only then will the healing begin.

The healing will take its time just as the trauma took its time. One has to allow the healing process to happen, not try to suppress your emotions to make your pain less or to retain control over what you are feeling as this disrupts the process.

It is also possible to experience other intensifying and lingering emotions which could be projected through unshakeable anger, sadness, intense anxiety which can make you feel like it is taking over your body, and other overwhelming emotions.

These can cause a functional disruption in your daily life which can then lead to negative effects on mental health.

Questions to ask yourself before healing Before you decide to take on the journey towards emotional healing, you need to understand that it is not an easy process, and neither is it an immediate process. It

Emotional healing has a different impact on

needs courage, empathy towards yourself

everybody, but it may involve

and patience. However, it can be very

learning/using emotional regulation skills

rewarding once you find the clarity and

that can lead to a feeling of lightness,

inspiration in life from your healing.

enabling you to have stronger relationships as you are able to manage yourself better, be more present, and more aware of

Ask yourself these questions if you feel you need emotional healing

yourself and your loved ones.

What are you trying to heal from?

Emotional healing opens a door to positivity

How is not healing affecting your life

and serenity. It helps you lift the weight off

Are you ready to heal?

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July 2022

Are you ready to face your traumas from the past?

Are you willing to sit through some discomfort while healing?

What will help you on this journey Benefits of emotional healing Some may run away from the healing process as they are afraid of what they will uncover throughout the process of healing,

the future by obsessing on whether or not you will ever heal. Mindfulness practices can help you live in the present and helps you acknowledge that you are doing well right now. Mindfulness techniques such as journaling are an effective way to reach insights in the subconscious mind by helping people work through their feelings and creating meaning out of it.

and remain in the pain they are in, silently

When practicing mindfulness, try to allow

allowing it to kill them. This is a valid

yourself to feel your emotions without

concern, and here are a few health benefits

attaching any meaning, stories or thought

that are positively associated with healing:

in the moment. While doing this, observe

better cardiovascular health, longer life span, lower cortisol levels (stress hormone), less like to develop respiratory infections when exposed to common cold or flu Where can I find my healing?

If you are trying to get starting you journey to emotional healing, here are some ways to embark on your journey Therapy

yourself to see how long any emotions take to dissipate or overwhelm you so that you can learn how to manage yourself.

Move Around As you are experiencing difficult emotions, try to move your body to help you process the feelings. Move in they ways your body wants to move whether its slowly, quickly, running, sitting, sleeping etc… moving your body will allow you to process your trauma

Talking to a mental health professional can

and allow you to shake it off regaining full

be very rewarding and satisfying as they are

control of your body.

trained professionals who work with people

Therapeutic techniques like somatic

get through healing journeys every day.

They can help you heal at a pace that is appropriate and comfortable for you and provide some insight into your situation in a

experiencing (SE) and trauma release exercises (TRE) can help process and move the trauma from the body.

way that can help you figure out the way forward.

Mindfulness When one starts their journey towards healing, it is very common to get pulled back into past events or to catastrophize 24 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

July 2022

How do I know if I am healing?

There is no race to healing and neither is there a finish line that needs to be crossed when healing.

Emotional healing can be very gradual that one may not realize that they are healing or healed. But when you are confronted by a similar situation without being overcome by emotion you bounce back and manage it in a way that doesn’t disrupt your peace, this indicates that you are healing.

Emotional healing can be difficult when you don’t know how to go about

it. Sometimes you need someone there to help you navigate your way through the hard times.

Talking to a therapist, counsellor, mental health worker, or social worker

can begin the process of healing and allow you to receive the support you need.

Part of social wellness is to recognise your needs and ensure that you are

providing for them in a responsible and practical manner. Seeking help for mental, emotional, and even physical problems is your duty and requires your commitment to caring for yourself.

See our resource section for details of mental health practitioners of varying qualifications and specialisations within Malawi.

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July 2022

TIPS FOR HEALING  Be Yourself: ask for what you want, set your boundaries, have your own beliefs and opinions, stand up to your values. Be able to do what you actually want to do and say what you mean to say. Be who you are not and someone else.  Invent yourself: find yourself. Who do you want to be? What are your attributes and capacities?

 Love and be loved. Allow yourself to give and receive love freely and deservedly  Get a grip on your mind: Nothing causes more distress than the thoughts in our mind. Learn how to identify your irrational thoughts and reason with them. You can make unpleasant thoughts go away and choose to dwell on rational and logical thoughts.  Forget the past: We can’t control our past and neither can we control what or how it happened. These past experiences pester your mind and bring in anxiety, depression and panic. But we can try not to dwell in the past and move past it.  Switch the anxiety off: Make it a habit to use breathing techniques and anxiety management techniques in your life to reduce your anxiety. Above all this try to locate your inner anxiety switch, your triggers that control the anxiety and make the decision of switch it off, we all have the ability to do this. Choose to live a calm life.  Deal with circumstances: Circumstances matter! Most of them are out of our control but most are within our control. So, improve the circumstances of the things you can control, and those improvements will make you feel better. Take real action in the real world.

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July 2022

Understanding Complicated Grief

By Chilungamo M’manga

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July 2022

Loss is painful; every form of it. “Grief is

anxiety,

the emotional reaction to a loss, in this

depression on the part of the one

case, to death” (Samuel, 2019, p. xvii),

grieving.

and mourning is the process of adjustment to a world without that person.

frustration

and

even

Grief is referred to as complicated when intense feelings of sadness, loneliness,

fear,

anxiety,

guilt,

Every day, millions of people are

resentment, anger, and shame go

affected by the loss of a loved one.

unresolved. The experience leaves the

They remember the precise time,

bereaved finding it impossible to

location, and what they were doing

imagine a future without the loved one;

when they heard the news and its

everything else is pointless, and others

devastating impact. Grief is a process

are left feeling helpless and frustrated

that attempts to recover meaning

(Brown, 2021). It leaves the bereaved

following a loss (Brown, 2021). Each

person

grief experience is unique.

forward

Grief is

“stuck,”

unable

with

their

to

move

feelings,

complex and has no rules. I have come

experiencing numbness, grief, and a

across people who were angry at

disconnection from life’s meaning.

themselves for taking too long to

“Sometimes sorrow and yearning seem

recover from the loss of a loved one,

very strong and stubborn, and a person

some who were being judged and

can’t imagine ever being happy again”

avoided

(Shear, 2015a, p. 4).

for

talking

about

their

departed loved one a lot. Others for not mourning their loved one enough or in the way people expected them to.

All in all, we try to come up with rules on how we are supposed to grieve, which is wrong. There are no rules to when, why or how others should mourn. Trying to attach rules may lead to feelings of being misunderstood, 28 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

A person experiencing grief may experience the following symptoms, however the symptoms are prolonged in a person experiencing complicated grief; Intense and ongoing sorrow, pain, and anger, difficulty accepting death

and

ongoing

feelings

of

numbness or detachment, bitterness and believing life no longer has July 2022

purpose or meaning, intense and

discomfort prevent you from reaching

persistent longing for the loved one,

out to someone who is grieving. Now,

distrust of others, focusing on little, or

more than ever, your loved one needs

nothing, else other than the death,

your support. You don’t need to have

extreme and ongoing focus on (or

answers or give advice or say and do

avoidance of) reminders of the loved

all the right things. The most

one,

important thing you can do for a

difficulty

maintaining

performing

everyday

or

routines,

grieving person is to simply be there.

isolation and withdrawal from social

It’s your support and caring presence

activities,

that will help your loved one cope

deep

experience

of

depression, guilt, or sadness, belief

with the pain and gradually begin to

they could have prevented the death,

heal.

wishing they had died along with their loved one.

Here are some of the things you may engage in to support a bereaving

When someone you care about is

person; be a good listener, allow them

grieving after a loss, it can be difficult

to talk about and honour the memory

to know what to say or do. The

of the departed loved one. Respect the

bereaved struggle with many intense

person’s way of grieving (understand

and painful emotions, often, they also

that everyone grieves differently and

feel isolated and alone in their grief,

for different lengths of time). Ask them

since the intense pain and difficult

how you can help, maintain your

emotions can make people

support after the funeral, ask them how

uncomfortable about offering support.

they feel, and offer practical assistance.

You may be afraid of intruding, saying

For instance, running some errands or

the wrong thing, or making your loved

doing some chores for them among

one feel even worse at such a difficult

other things. The following are some of

time.

the ways in which you can support a

Or maybe you think there is little you can do to make things better. That is understandable. But don’t let 29 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

grieving

child;

allow

your

child,

however young, to attend the funeral if they want to, convey your spiritual July 2022

values about life and death or pray with

awkward silences or inconsiderate

your child, meet regularly as a family to

responses (Brown, 2021, p. 112). They

find out how everyone is coping, help

understand, yet can’t accept, what has

your child find ways to symbolize and

happened and may see grief as a

memorialize the deceased person,

problem rather than a natural human

keep your child’s daily routine as

feeling.

normal as possible, pay attention to the way your child plays; this can be how they communicate grief.

Grief therapy offers psychological help for the grieving process and those whose ability to function has been

If someone you know or care about

harmed by losing someone close.

may

Complicated

grief

grieving; prolonged and deep sense of

characterized

by

guilt, depression, or sadness, or the

preoccupation with the departed. This

wish to isolate from friends, family, and

is where therapy can offer powerful

social occasions, ongoing professional

opportunities for healing. When we’re

bereavement

required.

stuck in specific thoughts and feelings

Seeking help from a therapist would

of grief, it’s challenging to find a way

help. A therapist helps a grieving

out of it alone (Brown, 2021; Shear,

person understand what it means to

2015a).

be

experiencing

support

complicated

is

is a

persistent, long-lasting

have lost their loved one and connect with

a

new,

different,

yet

still

meaningful life. Extra support and awareness will be required when encountering anniversaries – first ones

House of Therapy located in area 47, sector 5 in Lilongwe Malawi. We offer grief therapy as one of our services.

loved ones while moving forward with

If you know someone in need of such services, you can contact House of Therapy on Mobile: +265 982 561 521 or at

their lives. Someone going through

Email: houseoftherapy22@gmail.com

in particular and encouragement to honor and maintain bonds with their

such

prolonged

bereavement

and

requires

intense

more

30 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

than July 2022

Health and Wellness

Your body is your temple.

Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in.

B. K. S. Iyengar

31 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

July 2022

most of us lack the proper knowledge of how to eat properly. We focus more on what tastes good than what does us good.

It is truly a testimony that I am in such a great place in my life, because during my adolescence, it was not so.

After returning to Malawi in 2005 from growing up abroad with my family, food became a coping mechanism to cure my emotional pain. When I was a child, I enjoyed eating sweets, ice-cream and other junk foods like any normal child.

However, as child, I was very physically active at home and did My name is Violet Mtali. I am a fitness coach in a program sports at school. Around 2006, I called Own Your Body Fitness (a branch of a personal development company called Own Your Lane). This program began to develop poor eating habits helps women to achieve their health and fitness goals. and became lazy with exercise. I began to indulge in fatty foods on a Our mantra is that you can eat anything as long as you exercise daily basis at my school tuck-shop discipline and self-control! We develop a meal and workout plan, and support our participants on a daily basis, in order to and at home. Instead of spending assist them in achieving their goals. We focus intensely on hours dancing to pop music I began mind-set and the power of positive thinking and to sit for hours and watch television. encouragement.

The worst habit I gave into was drinking unhealthy amounts of soft drinks. One day, I tried to get up and dance and Healthy Eating, Intentional was SHOCKED because I could not even dance Relationships with Food for the duration of one song!

They say you are what you eat! This quote In a short space of time, I got quite chubby. always has challenged me, because food is a Normally, I am slim. I have good genes in that necessity in life. The Bible says that “man shall area. I remember one day, my French teacher not live by bread alone, but by every word that came to me in shock, saying, “Violet! What has comes from the mouth of God.’ (Matthew 4 vs happened? This is not you!!’ Reflecting on this 4. NIV). This challenges us to rely on GOD and as a 30-year old, I feel that she could have live not just for the things of this world. handled the issue with more sensitivity, but I However, you cannot deny that we need food appreciate her honesty because it was the in order to live and to grow. Food also affects wake- up call that I so desperately needed. It’s us deeply on a psychological level. Food so easy to lack self-awareness and many times, provides comfort. Food is often the centre of someone around us must have the strength to most fellowships and gatherings. Nonetheless, 32 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

July 2022

be the bad guy and speak the painful truth into our lives. I was incredibly embarrassed at the time, as a 14/15-year old, but I got my act together.

My sister also noticed one day when I was getting dressed in our room. She kindly pointed out that I had cellulite, love handles and the like. I felt really bad at having lost my slim figure and started exercising at home. However, my breakthrough came when I joined a local gym not far from my home and began attending aerobics classes several times a week. The excess weight came off quickly. I was still curvy, but things were much more in place and I remember my school uniform loosened up a bit and I felt confident.

It was a battle though for a long time and I tended to swing between extremes. The biggest change that gave me success was giving up soft drinks completely and being physically active consistently. My downfall was becoming impatient and looking for a quick fix.

I embarked on a self-destructive course of extreme exercise. I would wake up, skip breakfast, exercise vigorously for over an hour, eat a mango only and try to skip lunch. I loved walking and still do, because it’s very therapeutic. However, I began to force myself to walk very long distances. There was a month in particular where I was so dedicated that the weight fell off to such an extent where I had to take all my trousers to a tailor to be refitted. It felt like such an accomplishment at the time, years later, I have learnt that you can do the right thing in the wrong way. You can have goals and ambition, but be inappropriately ruthless in carrying it out.

Looking back on my journey, I see that I gave into the comparison trap. Instead of learning to

33 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

love myself and working to cultivate a positive self-image, I began to compare myself negatively to my two best friends in high school, who were super skinny. I never had a problem before I gained weight, but once the weight gain began, I felt incredibly insecure whenever I was around them. I became obsessive compulsive, hyper-critical and became so determined that I didn’t care whether my weight-loss methods were healthy.

At my lowest point, I began to put my fingers down my throat and make myself vomit whenever I ate junk food or over indulged. It became a vicious cycle of self-punishment. I began to eat less and less and at one point, I became so skinny that family members would wonder what was going on with me.

I did not open up to anyone until I met my husband, in 2011. I was in university and in a much healthier place. I had joined The Capital City Baptist Church Praise Team and was on fire for God. However, I was still struggling with my eating disorder and would do things like go and have pizza and then make myself throw up.

One day, I opened up to my then-boyfriend about my issue. He was very understanding and did not judge me, but he was also very concerned and urged me to stop. I recall looking at him helplessly and saying, “I can’t”.

That is pain of an addict. You know you are destroying yourself, but you can’t stop. I also did not feel that I was hurting anyone else. It truly took the grace and deliverance from God to stop this destructive habit that many people with great potential have succumbed to.

In the Own Your Body fitness program, we emphasize that starvation is not the way to lose weight. We warn women against the traps of

July 2022

diets, banting, and other such fads. We encourage women to develop a positive mindset. It has truly been a blessing to learn how to work SMART and lose weight in a healthy way in my twenties and especially after becoming a mother in June of 2019. I hit an all- time low after a traumatic delivery and struggling with post-natal depression. I suffered from terrible low self-esteem, but I decided to be patient and lost the weight over a long time (over a year) by walking regularly and then getting into more intense workouts as my son got older.

I am happy with who I am now. I love my body, my mind and above all; I have a good relationship with food. During the stress of early motherhood, I did struggle with stress eating (emotional eating). The toddler stage has been very trying and when my son’s tantrums get very overwhelming, I have found myself turning to crisps, pastries and ice-cream, in particular. I give myself grace and take it one day at a time. I am human. We are all works in progress; Rome was not built in a day after all.

If you are interested in further information in regards to the Own Your Lane Fitness Program and/or if you wish to join and be supported throughout your journey towards fitness and healthy eating, please click one of the links below 👇🏾👇🏾 https://ownyourlane.co.mw/new-body/ https://www.facebook.com/OwnYourBodyFitness https://instagram.com/ownyourbody2020?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

34 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

July 2022

Resources 35 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

July 2022

By now, we hope you are aware that you can

Chitipa District Hospital

access mental health care from all the Central

Karonga District Hospital

Hospitals in the country.

Here is something to take note of, before you

can get to the Central Hospitals, you need to first visit your local District Hospital in order to be assisted. This applies to mental health care as

well.

Once you have been assessed, the medical staff (a psychiatric nurse or clinician) will then

determine whether you need to be referred to

Mzimba District Hospital Nkhata Bay District Hospital

Rumphi District Hospital Dedza District Hospital Dowa District Hospital Kasungu District Hospital Mchinji District Hospital

Nkhokota District Hospital

the Central Hospital, which also provides

Ntcheu District Hospital

comprehensive care for mental health challenges.

Ntchisi District Hospital

Please take note of the list of District Hospitals

Salima District Hospital

available in Malawi.

Balaka District Hospital Chikwawa District Hospital Chiradzulu District Hospital Machinga District Hospital Mangochi District Hospital

Would you like to advertise your mental health services with Essential Grace Magazine?

Get in touch with us for your free offer of mental health related advertising be it for counselling services, support groups, books, upcoming events, and wellness services (e.g.

Fitness, massage therapy) 36 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

Mulanje District Hospital Mwanza District Hospital

Nsanje District Hospital Phalombe District Hospital Thyolo District Hospital

Zomba District Hospital

July 2022

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July 2022

38 | E s s e n t i a l G r a c e M a g a z i n e

July 2022