confessions of a hopeless romantic
a collection of poems
by Erkut Gultekin
I. about love lost and healing
I’ve never even known I had a type
Until I met you
Years have passed and left their impressions memories and scents on me
We don’t talk anymore
Because of the dark cloud that came in between and tore us apart
I’ve kept convincing myself that it’s not you that I missed. But the person that you used to be.
Until one day I woke up from a dream where I held you so close, arm in arm
My face buried in your neck and yours in mine.
That morning I had your scent on me. And I kept on lying in bed, hoping it wouldn’t once again fade away. And just like that, it faded away.
They say you can’t measure love. Count the sleepless nights wine bottles wet tissues and cigarette butts.
And add to that the women I slept with, just because they reminded me of you in some kind of vague way. And add their broken hearts to the list.
It's not easy, making love without really being in love. But if that’s what it takes to get you finally out of my mind, then I guess I’ll have to.
And maybe I’ll wake up one day, Your smile, eyes and scent not being the first things I think about that morning in my bed.
Which used to be our bed.
Between your thighs, darling
I found paradise
In your eyes, darling
I saw the universe.
Now that you’re gone, darling
My paradise has been torn in two pieces. I carry one and you the other.
Now that you’re gone, darling
My universe has been split into past and future and a present that’s lightyears away. A present so numb, A present so deafening, A present so inevitable.
Yet I find myself playing old tapes of memories in my head. Of our past.
I’m sobering up by the seaside
I’ve heard the news of forests burning, here. Maybe it was my burning soul that ignited those fires.
Who knows?
I’ll go for a nice, long swim. When the heat settles down and the cool breeze that I’ll follow out of the blue brings satisfaction.
I’ll let go of past grudges and negative thoughts because I have to and because it is the right thing to do.
You’ll find me at the beach With the sound of waves that’ll soothe my heart and set the mood.
I’ll be drinking and thinking. About you, about us. About what we could’ve been.
And the waves, those precious waves. They’ll come and go as they please. If I listen to them, maybe they’ll listen to me.
That way I won’t be alone for a moment, a second, minute and hour. For eternity.
And as for me, I’ll keep on writing. Because this piece of paper is now the only proof.
Of what we were and could’ve been.
I guess it’s safe to say That I had a life before you and will have a life after you.
The question rather is Will it be nearly as good as my life with you?
Memories of you are slowly fading now. Though the best ones of you smiling, you singing, you dancing, I will hold on to.
Because I do not want to forget nor could I ever forget how much you meant to me.
And I wish for the both of us that there’s an alternative reality, somewhere. Where the two of us still lay together in bed. To myself I’d say Don’t let go of her.
You’re some kind of fantasy now; in my mind and heart. Only real when my eyes are closed. No one even knows I’ve created a world of our own. Of our own, if you’d like.
Where our best versions of the past settled. With a house nearby the seaside. Like we once always wanted. Our early retirement plan, remember? Or maybe you don’t I don’t blame you. I can’t.
All I can do now is to wish for the best. But what on earth even is the best?
If in the next morning the first things I look at are not your sleepy eyes?
I threw away old memories today and made an old version of myself a little mad and very sad.
Now I can’t help but wonder if an old version of you would have stopped me if you were still here.
But you’re not anymore. Only sometimes when I’m fast asleep and dreaming deep. It’s been a year that I haven’t seen your face and heard your voice.
I hope you’re doing well and will do better even thrive in life without me.
Now there’s no more us and it feels as if there has never been. Because without the old memories there’s no more proof of what we were and could have been.
If this new year’s a new me then maybe it’s also a new you.
If it brings opportunity then it would be a shame not to embrace endless possibility.
Let’s ascend to even higher heights and descend to lower lows. Fate dictates that everyone will meet their destiny one day so will I, so will you.
Together would’ve been good but maybe apart from each other even better. Who knows? Only time will tell.
So I’ll let go of past grudges and live and enjoy the moment.
It would be very much a shame if I did not appreciate and celebrate life which, contrary to possibility, is not endless.
II. about career and success
Nothing really matters in life
Career and success are man-made constructs
Made up to make ourselves feel better
About climbing up a ladder to nowhere.
I guess living in the present, letting go of the past and embracing the opportunities of tomorrow, the endless opportunities of tomorrow, is the only way. Well, because nothing really matters in life.
Not even you.
We’re all lost, aren’t we?
we’re all searching for our way, aren’t we?
And we don’t know where that one path will take us, do we?
And we won’t know the meaning once we arrive there, will we?
Nor will we ever comprehend the significance of our own being, will we?
Might as well not take life too seriously. Might as well not stress, nor worry.
About what has come and is yet to come.
Might as well live free, prioritize your own needs and live every day as if it were your last.
Because if not, then what will you say to your old self in the mirror thirty, forty and fifty years from now.
That you couldn’t, because you had no time?
You shouldn’t hurry in life
Because whatever you rush for now will still be there tomorrow
And if not, then maybe it wasn’t worth it worth you.
Take time to breathe in and out And come to your senses
Because if not, life will pass you by And you won’t be able to rewind
We only know a moment’s worth once it’s over, said and done.
So why not zoom out and take a moment of appreciation for everything that’s going well. Rather than contemplating and worrying about everything that’s not?
III. about writing and life
If one day in your room at night
You think about what will soothe your pain
The pain that you can hardly explain because it’s rather something you carry than feel
Then imagine a lonely poet who writes to escape, escape a reality that he himself can’t explain nor comprehend. Yet all he knows is to write. Because some day, somewhere, someone will maybe read the poet’s poems and then notice that his pain is slowly soothing and fading away.
In his room at night.
Good days are coming because after rain comes the sun and it gives life to those in need those that feel desperate and see no way out.
Good days are coming. And whatever your doubts and worries they will slowly fade and make space for dreams and hope.
Good days are coming. Do not give up on yourself nor on one another because giving up means losing hope and losing hope means losing life.
Good days will come for those who are stubborn enough to let go, whatever the circumstances to carry their hearts into daily battles who are we battling anyway?
Good days have come for those who have let go of past grudges, past traumas and past tears and embraced today.
When I let my mind run free And take a pen and a piece of paper before me that’s when I really feel I’m living in the moment
And a moment can be a glimpse of a second or even eternity. Doesn’t really matter. Because even time becomes irrelevant when I take a pen and a piece of paper before me.
That’s when I let reflections loose Look up in the air and realize how meaningless One’s existence is. Until meaning is given taken bought leased stolen or whatever.
I hope one day someone will read this But if not, then whatever.
Here you lay in bed thinking where you’ll be in weeks, months and years from now. If you could only fast-forward through life. Although it’s not only the destination, but also the journey that matters.
Whenever you feel lost, looking for answers, stop the endless inquiring and focus on what matters in that moment alone instead.
How you wish you could buy time. Because time is mankind’s most valuable currency. Youngsters have plenty and are filthy rich. The elderly have scarcely and are filthy poor. Babies are millionaires while grandfathers and -mothers have nothing but a dime in their pockets.
Time should be the only currency to matter in the first place. Because what would you do with even all the other currencies of the world, if you wouldn’t have time? And if there’d be no more time left to buy more time?
Autumn showed me how beautiful it is to let go. And so I did let go. Then winter came and taught me how it is necessary to be patient. And so now I’m waiting patiently in the cold.
When spring comes, then so will the sun. When nature blossoms, then so will my courage. And as the green leaves grow, so will I. That’s why I’m waiting patiently in the cold.
Because the days will get longer and there will be more light and less darkness. Because doubts will melt like snow in the sun.
And then finally, summer will arrive, and I’ll thrive once again.
As if I were an endless fire.
Hence why I’m waiting patiently in the cold.
When you talk to me about forevers and infinities I can’t help myself but wonder and let my mind wander to green grass fields with beautiful, tall sunflowers and milky, white dandelions.
For even the prettiest of flowers will one day wither, sacrifice their own existence and give life for the next prettiest of flowers. So then who are you to talk to me about forevers and infinities?
Man’s existence on mother earth is temporary and should stay temporary. Minds and masses can be controlled but not time.
And even if, with all the riches and infinite time, what would that be worth?
Because nothing that lasts forever will ever be worth it.
The winter sun is calling my name. Outside there’s a beautiful war going on. It’s cold usually but not now for the winter sun is calling my name.
And when it calls, I answer. All of my doubts and worries now parked in the shade. All of my positive thoughts are now roaming freely in the wild. For the winter sun is calling my name.
Such a hopeful day in my lonely world. This could change everything. Or not, I don’t really care. I’ll embrace the rays of sunlight as if they were arms of an old friend, a lover, reaching out to me and calling my name.
Spring’s knocking on the door better to open up and take a look surprises might be hiding behind the shades of blossoming trees.
The sun as an old ally, a good friend as an old lover will greet and heat joyful days and groovy nights. That will replace whatever sorrow that was left in your now warm become heart.
IV. notes to self
Sana bir şiir yazsam
seni mavi göklerde uçan kuşlarla kıyaslasam. Gözlerine baktığımda gönlümdeki o hissi
elimdeki kalemle bir kâğıt parçasının üstünde sonsuzlaştırsam.
Gözlerim kapalıyken beni elimden tutan ve yönlendiren o kokun beni gül bahçelerine ve sıcak yaz akşamlarına hatırlattığını sana anlatsam.
Senin o gülüşünün içimi en soğuk kış günlerinde bile ısıtan ve aydınlatan o gücünü artık kendime saklamasam ve yüksek dağlardan çağırsam, bağırsam.
Sabah olduğunda kollarımda uyansan, saatlerce sevişip senin o gül suyundan içsem.
Aramızdaki o sinerji ikimizin, aynı anda gök yüzlerindeki bulutların üstünde nefes nefese olmamıza ve çıplak vücutlarımızın bir olmasına sebep olsa. Bense bizi, o anı bu kalemle sonsuzlaştırsam.
Aşık olmak istiyorum
O yanıma gelince kalbimin atış hızı artsın
O koluma girince zaman dursun
ve dünya bir anlık olsa da dönmesin
Rüya görmek istiyorum
Uykuya daldığımda
ilk gördüğüm kişi
Uykuya dalmadan önce aklımdaki son kişi olsun
Feromonları beni çağırsın istiyorum
Geçmişi ve geleceği bana unuttursun sadece gözlerimizin temas kurduğu o an benim için önem sağlasın.
Ağlamak istiyorum
O benden uzak yada
Başkasının kollarında bense yapa yalnız kalıp onu düşünmekte
Sonra unutup
ve başkasıyla yeniden başlamak istiyorum
Vandaag liet ik mij over aan het geruis van de wind en legde ik me neer op het groene gras
heel even was ik één, gegrond met de aarde keek ik naar de wolkeloze hemel en liet ik mij leiden
door de melodieën des natuurs zachtjes wemelende bladeren boven mij zingende vogels en daar plots
rook ik de lente en de zomer raakten warme zonnestralen mijn huid en schonken mij de warmte die ik zocht.
Alles lijkt ver weg nu de hemel, de sterren, het heelal maar ook jij.
En zonder jou dacht ik eerst niet te kunnen tot ik vrede nam met wie ik ben en wie ik was in het verleden liet.
Ik kijk uit naar wie ik in de toekomst worden zal en wissel deze nieuwe versie voor wie ik met jou worden zou. Worden zal, worden zou.
Ik groei als persoon werk nu aan mijn dromen, leef volgens mijn normen.
Toch kijk ik dankbaar terug naar de momenten met jou.
Want ook al ben je nu een deel van mijn verleden, je beïnvloedt de persoon die ik vandaag ben en morgen zal zijn.
Ik leef in het hier en nu.
Ik geniet in het hier en nu.
Ik ben in het hier en nu.