JOHN+SIENA:EXTENDED
BETHANY-KRIS
CONTENTS
JOHN+SIENA: EXTENDED ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN ELEVEN TWELVE THIRTEEN FOURTEEN FIFTEEN SIXTEEN SEVENTEEN EIGHTEEN NINETEEN
ABOUTTHEAUTHOR OTHERBOOKS
Copyright
ONE
“Damn,how muchdidyoulose?”
“Asolidfive-K,”Michel mutteredtoJohn’sleft. Andinolaughedhard.“Itoldyouthatwas not theteamtobeton,man.” “Yeah,fuckyou,too.”
Attheother sideofthetable,Lev alsoknownasPinktoalmosteverybodywhodidn’tknow the manpersonally smirkedashereachedfor thecreamer sittinginthemiddleofthetabletoaddtohis steamingblackcoffee.“Imean, everybody toldyour stupidassnottobetonthatteam,Michel,andyet
“Ifavor theunderdogs,that’sall.”
Johnchuckled.“Justbecause,atonepointintime,youweretheunderdogdoesn’tmeaneveryother underdogwill alwayswin.”
Michel sighed,andturnedtostareoutthewindow.Heknew better thantokeepengagingthe conversationbetweenhiscousins andPink,whowasjustafriend.Well,Levwasanenforcer for Andinowhonow movedbetweenthemainMarcellofactionandJohn’ssideofthebusinessinanother partofthecity.
Sure,Johncouldhaveeasilyusedoneofthemenwhohadshowntheywere mostly trustworthy fromthehandful oforiginal CalabreseCaposinsteadoftakingoneofAndino’smostfavored,and loyal,mentokeephisfactionunder control.Buthell,sometimesitwasgoodtohavesomeoneaman couldtrustinexplicablytocall onwhenshitneededdoneor someonehadtobewatched.
Pinkwasthatguy.
“Youknow what,”Michel said,drawingJohnbacktothechatatthetable,“don’tyouhave somewheretobe,man?”
Johnshrugged,restingbackinhischair withawarmmugofthebestcoffeethissideofManhattan betweenhispalms.“Notfor another ….”Hemadeashow ofcheckinghiswatchbeforegivinghis cousinagrinthatheknew wouldirkMichel likenothingelse.“Well,I’ll havetoleaveintenminutes or sotomakethemeetingandnotbeterriblylate.That’smorethanenoughtimefor metoannoyyoua littlemore.Besides,Icanstretchitabit.”
Andinoflashedhisteethinagrin.“Nobodysaysshittoabosswhentheyshow uplate,anyway. Everybodyelseisjustearly.”
Hepointedafinger athiscousin.“Yes,thatrightthere.Exactlythat.” “Fuckinghateyou.”
“No,youdon’t.”
Laughter rungoutover thetable,andlikelydrew intheattentionofother patronsofAndino’s restaurant.Everysinglemorning,thiswaswhereJohncame.Sometimes,itwasjusthimandAndino havingbreakfastor acoffee.Other times,itwasall ofthem.Justliketheywererightnow.Either way, itwasagoodstarttoJohn’sday.
Heneededthat.
Morethanpeopleunderstood.
Routinewasstill thethingthatkeptJohnmovingfromonethingtothenextdayafter daywithout spiralingintoachaosofhisbrain’smaking.Sure,theroutinehadchangedabitfromwhatitusedto
be andfor thebetter,ifhewerebeinghonest butitstill didthesamethingfor himregardlessof whatitwas.
Therewassomethingtobesaidfor thenostalgiaofsittingdownwitholdfriendsfor adrinkand goodconversation.ItwassomethingJohnathanMarcellotriedtodomoreoftenbecause,nexttowhen hewashomewithhiswife,thiswasoneoftheonlytimeswhenhecouldactuallyrelaxandbe himself.
Somethingthatwaseasier saidthandone,consideringeverything.Hefigured…well,he’d probablyearnedmanyofthetitlesthatpeoplecalledhimbehindhisback.Someweretohisbenefit, ofcourse,becausebeingthebossofthenew Marcellofaction theoldCalabreseCosaNostra meantheconstantlydealtwithmenwhodidn’tknow Johnbeyondhislastnameandthewayhe’d takenover their famiglia.
Theycalledhim crazy. Unstable.
Not to be crossed. Before,someofthosethingsmighthavebotheredhim.Now,Johnknew itwasbetter peoplefeared theunknownabouthimthanthethingsthey did know.Everyoneelseinhislife thepeoplewho reallymatteredliketheonessittingatthetablewithhimor hisfamilyspreadoutacrossthecity they saw the real John.
Helikedthatjustfine.
“Youknow what,I was goingtocomeandruninterferencewithyoufor thosebunchofassholeson your sideofthecity,”Michel mutteredunder hisbreath,“butIdon’tthinkIwill now.Shouldletyou listentotheir whineyassesall onyour own.”
“No,youwon’t,”Johnsaidassuredly,“becauseGabbieisincourtall day,you’resupposedtobe onvacationfromthehospital,andyouhavenothingelsebetter todowithyour day.Atleastwithme, yougettoplay mafia. ”
“Idon’t play,John.”
Well …
“Yeah,that’sfair,”Johnreplied.“You’restill welcometojoinme,though.”
Michel madeanoiseunder hisbreath.“Probablywill.Ihavenothingbetter todo.”
Exactly as I thought. Johndidn’tsaythatoutloud,however.
“Careful withthat,”Andinodecidedtospeakup.Onceagainsharingawarninghe’dalreadysaid morethanadozentimestoMichel andJohnsincethetwostarteddoingbusinesstogether after hetook over theMarcellofaction.“Youstartsteppingintoa famiglia,Michel,andpeoplemightthinkyou wanttostaythere.Don’tgetyour placeconfusedunlessyou’rereadytochangeitinthisbusiness,you know?”
Michel passedJohnalook. Hesaidnothingtohiscousin.
Shit,he’dbeentellingMichel thisfor awhile,too.After yearsofsayinghedidn’twanttobea mademan,itseemedMichel didfind something heenjoyeddoinginthemafia.Thatjusthappenedto berunninginterferencebetweenpeopleor showingupinplaceswhereJohndidn’twanttobewhen thetimecalledfor it.
Alotlikea consigliere. Diditmeansomething? Maybe.
“Wegottimetofigureitall out,”Johnsaid,standingfromthetable,“butIneedtoleave,or I’m goingtobemorethanlate.Youcoming?”
Michel noddedatthequestion,alsostanding. Pinkstayedsitting.
This time.
Another meetingor situation,andheprobablywouldhavegotupandwentwithJohn,too. “Ifyou’djustpickanunderbossandconsiglierefromthefamily,”Andinomurmured,pickinguphis owncoffeeafter lettingitcool for mostoftheir breakfastlikeheusuallydid,“thenyouwouldn’tneed PinkandMichel tobeyour go-between,man.”
JohngaveAndinoalook.“It’shandled.Italwaysis.” “Right.That’swhatyoukeepsaying.” “Becausethat’swhatitis,Andi.” Andthat’show itwouldstay. Johnwouldmakesureofit.
Sienawasdying.
Shewassureofit.
Okay,maybethatwasa little dramatic,butthethingwas,shenever gotsick. Ever.Coldsandflus werepracticallynonexistenttoher.She’dalwaysbeentoobusytogetsick notthatbeingbusy stoppedher fromcatchinganything,butshenever did. Until now.
Sheregularlygother shotsandtookvitaminseverymorningtohelpgiveher immunesysteman addedboost.Whether or notthosethingsactuallyhelpedtokeepher fromgettingsick,shedidn’t know.
Apparently,itdidn’thelpthistimearoundwhenamorningcoughandastuffynoseturnedintoa full-blownchestcoldthatnoover-the-counter medicationwouldhelp.Only,thechestcoldlingered whichgaveher athroatinfectionlikenothingelse.Shesworeeverytimesheswallowed,itfeltlike shewasswallowingknives.
God.
For thelastweekandahalf,Siena’sbedhadbecomeher bestfriend.Workwasoutofthequestion whenshecouldn’tfocusonthecomputer screeninfrontofher for longenoughtogetanythingdone withouther headstartingtopoundandfeel asthoughitwouldexplodefromthepressurebuildingin her sinuses.
Instead,shestayedathome.Thatkilledher alittlebittoo,ifonlybecausesheknew thatmeant workwouldbeconstantlypilingupfor her until shefinallygotbacktoit.Then,whoevenknew ifshe wouldbeabletogetthroughitall?
Jesus.
Willingthelamponthebedsidetabletoshutoffwithouther needingtoreachover todoit she didn’tevenhavetheenergyfor that asshestartedcoughing again,Sienapulledtheblankettighter aroundher head.Atleastthen,shecouldblockoutthelight.
Mostly.
“Still notfeelinganybetter?”cameasoftquestionfromtheother sideoftheroom.
TheveryfactJohnathanhadreturnedhomewithoutSienaevenrealizinghewastheretoldher alot ofthings.For one,anentiredayhadpassedher bywithouther evenrealizingithadhappened.Apart ofher still thoughtitwasfar tooearlyinthemorningandthat’swhytheroomfeltashotashell becausethemorningsundidthattotheir master bedroom.Nowonder shewasexhausted hadshe evenslept,or didshejustlayinbedopen-mouthbreathingandstaringatthewall whilethetime passed?
“Hey,”sheheardmurmured.
Johnhadcrossedthebedroom.Now,hehoveredabovetheir bedlookingdownather.Shecould seetheconcerninhisgazewhenshedidn’tsmileor greethimthewaysheusuallywould.Butfrankly, shedidn’tevenhavethedamnenergyfor that.
“Ifeel likeI’mdying,”shecroaked. Hisbrow dipped.“Areyouhot?”
“Yesandno.”
“What?”
“Itcomesanditgoes.”
Sometimes,itseemedlikeshewasnever goingtostopsweating.Other times,shehadthechillsso badshecouldshakethedamnbed.
Kneelingatthesideofthebed,JohnpushedtheblanketawayfromSienaabitsothathecouldgeta better lookather.Shewishedshecouldwipeawaytheworryinhisgaze,buteventhatwouldtake energyshejustdidn’thave.Hispalmfoundher foreheadwithasofttouchbeforehestilled,frowning.
Usually,whenJohncamehome,itwasSiena’sfavoritepartoftheday.Thetwoofthemcouldshut therestoftheworldoutandpretendlikeitwasjustthemandnothingelse.Sheneededthattimeas muchashedid.Lately,theyhadn’tevenbeenabletohavethat.Whilehedidn’tsayanythingaboutit onewayor another,sheknew ithadtobebotheringhim. Hell.
Itbothered her.
“Haveyoucheckedyour temp?”
ArattlingcoughleftSiena.“No.ThelasttimeIgotoutofbedwastopee,andeventhattookmea halfhour.Iwasn’tgoingall thewaydownstairsjustfor athermometer totell meIamsickandhavea fever,John.”
“Babe,you’re really hot.”
Andyet,shefeltcold.
Funnyhow thatworked.
“Beingsick sucks,”shewhispered.
“Ithinkmaybeweshouldmakeanother trip ”
“No,Idon’twanttogotothehospital again.They’ll makemewear amaskwhileIwait,and there’salwaysawholeroomful ofpeoplestaringatme.Ihateit.” Andshedid.
So fucking much.
No,Sienawouldjustsitinher bed,fever andcoughwhatever thishell wasout,anddeal withit thatway.All theywoulddoatthehospital wasshovemoremedicationsdownher throatthat wouldn’thelpandsendher hometobattleher sicknessalone. Whybother?
“Siena ”
Johndidn’tevengettofinishhisstatementbeforeshestartedcoughing.Thistime,thehackingfit didn’tstopinafew seconds.After ahalfofaminute,Johnhelpedtosither upinthebedwhilehe reachedfor theglassofwater whoknew how longthathadbeensittingthere onthebedsidetable together todrink.
Exceptshecouldn’tstopcoughingtodrink.
Wonderful.
Her husbandhadalsohadenough,itseemed.
“That’sit,”Johnmuttered,“you’regoingtothefuckinghospital.” Sienacouldn’trefuseagain.
Shewasstill coughingher gutsout.
Pneumonia.
Fucking pneumonia.
Apparently,itwasn’tall thatuncommonfor abadcoldtotravel intothelungs,butwhensomeone couldn’texpel thefluids…well,that’swhenshitbecamedangerous.Johnkickedhimselfagainand againover thefactthathadhejustdecidedenoughwasenoughacoupledaysearlier thanhehad,then hiswifewouldn’thaveneededtospendtimeinthehospital takingantibiotics,maxi-mistsandgetting IVs.
Jesus.
ThethingaboutJohnthatnoonereallyknew wasthathelikedtoindulgeSienaalittletoomuch. Nomatter whatsheaskedfor or wanted,hewouldgiveittoher ifhewascapable.Andifhecouldn’t doit,thenchanceswerehecouldfindsomeonewhowould.Thesamewentwhenshegotsick.She didn’twanttogotothehospital,sohedidn’tpushher togo.Hekickedhimselfintheassfor thatnow.
Itdidn’tmatter thattherational partofJohn’sbraintoldhimthiswasn’thisfault.NotthatSiena hadgottensick,thatshewasstubbornashell,or thathewassobusyfor thelastcoupleofweeksthat he’dbeenwillingtonotfightwithhiswifeandlether battlethroughtheillnessathomeinsteadof takingher intoanER.Noneofitwashisfault,andheknew that.Still,itdidn’tstopthepartofhim thatcontinuedtoberatehimselfinternally.Until itwasall hecouldhear.
Fuck.
Aknockontheprivatehospital roomdoor hadJohnliftinghisheadfromhispalm.Thelastthinghe wantedtodowastakehisgazefromSiena’ssleepingforminthebedthathe knew wasdamn uncomfortable consideringtheamountoftimeshe’dbeenchainedtooneofthosegoddamnthingsin hislater teenageyearswhiletheyworkedtodiagnosehisbipolar,andhe’dbeenathisworst.Still,he turnedtoseewhohadcometotheroom.
Anurse,hethought.
Maybeadoctor.
All their visitorshadcomeandgoneprettyregularly.Hisparents,siblings,andSiena’sfriends. Evenhiscousinshadcometositwithhimor their wivescamealongtobringSienasomethingto makeher smile.Hencewhytheroomwasfull offreshflowersandballoons.Andyes,everysingle onemadeher happy.
Sowashiswife.
Sweetascouldbe.
Insteadofhospital staff,Johnwassurprisedtofindhistherapiststandinginthedoorway.Leonard tippedhisheaddown,asilent hello ashisgazedartedtothesleepingwomaninthebed.Heraiseda singlewhiteeyebrow atJohn,then;moresilentconversation.Itnever failedtoamuseJohnhow well heandLeonardworkedtogether or rather,how well histherapistseemedtoknow andunderstand himwithoutJohnever needingtosayathing.
Hebetthatwasn’tcommon.Mostdoctor andpatientrelationshipsdidn’tgobeyondahospital or counselor’schair.Leonard,however,madeanactiveefforttoinvolvehimselfasmorethanjust John’sdoctor.Henow countedhimasafriend.
AndGodknew hewasgrateful for theman.
Incrediblyso.
“Heardvisitinghoursareover soon,”Leonardsaidquietly,mindful ofnotwakingSienaup,“soI supposeImadeitintimetoseeyou.”
Johnchuckled.“Imissedasession,hmm?”
“Well,that’snotwhyI’mhere,ofcourse.”
No,thatwasprobablybecauseJohnhadn’tcalled.Leonardonlyreallybecameconcernedthat somethingmightbewrongwhenhedidn’tgetaphonecall.Mosttimes,Johnmadeeveryeffortto makeeachsessionwithLeonardbecausethatwasalsojustapartofhisroutine.Oneheenjoyed becausefor anhour or twoacoupleoftimesaweek,hewasabletositdownandsimplyfocuson nothingbuthimself.
For someonelikeJohn,thathadvalue.
“Ijustwantedtocheckin,actually,”Leonardsaid.“IheardSienawassick,andmadeacall toyour father toseeifIcouldbeofanyhelp.Hementionedyouhadn’tleftthehospital after shewas admitted,soIthoughtIwouldcomedownandspeakdirectlytoyouinsteadofaboutyou.Iknow how youprefer that.”
Johngrinned.“ThatIdo,andthankyou.”
LeonardglancedSiena’swayagain.“How isshe?” “Alotbetter.”
Thankfully.
“Goodtohear.Andyou?”
Johnsighed.“Feelinglikeafuckup.”
“Becauseshe’ssick?”
“BecauseI…well,alotofreasons.”
Leonardnodded.“Andyouknow it’snot your faultshe’shere,yes?” “Ido.”
“Andyet…”
Johnshrugged.“Mybraindoeswhatmybraindoes.”
“Well,trynottobeatyourselfuptoobadly.Istoppedatthenurse’sstation.Thedoctor onrotation tonight he’sanoldfriend.Sienawill bedischargedtomorrow,Iheard.” “That’stheplan.”
“Andthenyou’ll finallygetsomesleep,Iassume.”
Another smilestretchedover hislips.Leonardtrulydidknow Johnbetter thanheevenknew himselfsometimes.Themandidn’tevenhavetoaskifhewassleeping heknew hewasn’t. “Onceshe’shome,”Johnmurmured.
“Andyour meds?”
“Andinobroughtthemin.”
Leonardnodded.“Whataboutwork how’sthat?”
“Arewecondensingatherapysessiondowntoathree-minuteconversationnow?”
“IdowhatIcan,John,whenIcanandwithwhatIcan.Thisismedoingacheckonyou all points ofyour lifethatIknow tendtocrumblefirstwhenyou’renotinthebeststate.However,byall accounts,youseemgoodatthemoment.Istill wanttocheck.”
Yeah,Johnknew.
“Andinoishandlingbusiness myother cousinandanother manstepinwhenneeded,too. Everythingisfine.For now,it’sall abouther.”
“Right,”Leonardmurmured.“Well,hadyoumadeittoyour sessionthisweek,therewassomething
Iwantedtospeakwithyouabout,butitcanwaituntil our nextone.Andofcourse,youknow how to reachmeshouldyouneedsomething.Don’thesitate,John.I’monlyaphonecall away.”
“Iappreciateit.”
“SayhellotoSienafor me.Ioweher alunchdate.” Johnchuckled.“She’ll besadshemissedyou.” Itwasn’talie.
Everyone inJohn’slifethoughtLeonardwasthebestthing nexttoSiena,thatwas toever happentohim.
Andfrankly,theyweren’twrong.
FOUR
“So,how areyoufeeling?”
“Reallygood,”Sienaansweredher mother-in-law honestly.“Thefirstweekafter Iwasdischarged was…longseemslikeagoodword.”
Whichwasn’tatall alie.Shespenttheentirefirstweekmostlyinbed.Althoughthistime,without thecoughingandinabilitytobreathe.Itwasasthoughher bodyandminddecidedtoshutdownand make her recover.Notjustfromtheillness,butfromthestressofitall.Honestly,Sienatrulyneeded thebreak.
Her secondweekoutofthehospital hadbeenagreatdeal better,thankfully.Shewasoutofbed, actuallyeatingthreemealsadaythatwerenotmadeupofsomekindofsoupor broth,andshecould makeitthroughanafternoonwithoutneedingatwoor three-hour nap.Although really,whodidn’t needagoodnaponceinawhile?
Napswerelife.
Itdidn’tmatter how oldshewas.
“Youwerestill tired,probably,”Jordynsaid.
ItbroughtSienabacktotheconversationathand.Other thanafew visitstoseeiftherewas anythinginthehousethatneededdone,or phonecallstocheckuponher,mosteveryonehadleft Sienaalonetorecover.Shedidn’tmind;it’swhatsheneeded.
“All thetime.”
Jordynlaughed.“Sicknesshasawayofdoingthattouswomen.Andthenwhenyoubecomea mother,it’sevenworsebecauseguesswhat?Youdon’tgettimeoff.Itdoesn’tmatter ifyou’reonyour deathbed,someone is goingtoneedyou,andyou’rejustgoingtohavetosuckitup.Butyou understand…youhaveyour younger sistersandall.”
Sienasighed.“Yeah,Iknow.”
“Butwhatmattersisyou’reoutofthehospital andcanfinallygetbacktonormal.Whichmeans we canalsofigureoutwhatwe’redoingfor your sister’sbirthday ”
Theopeningofthefrontdoor hadasmilegrowingonSiena’sface.Thelastthingshewantedtodo wasseemrudetoher mother-in-law,butshedidn’tthinkJordynwouldmindwhensheinterruptedher tosay,“Wecanplanthatanother day Johnjustgothome,Ithink.” “Ah,thenyeswecan.Sayhellotohim.”
Sienasmirked.“AndIwill makehimcall.”
Hedidn’tdothatenough.Infact,hisleastfavoritethingtodowastalkonthephone.Peoplewould getabetter responseoutofJohniftheyjusttextedhimbecausethatwaseasier andfaster thanhim makingtimetositdownandchat.Oh,hetried definitely.Sometimes,though,lifejustbecametoo muchandJohndisengagedfromeverything.Andmoreoftenthannot,thatmeanttakingastepback fromothers.
Includingfamily.
Atleastnow,Sienathoughtthepeoplearoundthemwerebetter atrecognizingthat’swhatJohnwas doingandnotpurposelytryingtocutthemoff.Occasionally,heneededtotaketimefor himselfto recharge.Justbecausehediditinadifferentwaythansomeoneelsemightdoitfor themselvesdidn’t meanhe shouldn’t doit.
“Ihavethe best daughter-in-law,”Jordynmused,thesmileinher toneclear. Sienalaughed.“Iamyour only daughter-in-law.”
“Andyet,thatchangesnothing.”
“I’ll getJohntocall.”
“Thankyou,sweetheart.Haveagoodnight.We’ll chatsoon.” “Soundsgood.”
Sienahadjusthungupthephoneandtosseditasideonthecouchwhenfootstepsapproachedher frombehind.Tippingher headback,shesmiledatJohnasheshruggedoffhissuitjacketandcame closer.Withoutsayingaword notevena hello,althoughthatwasfinewithher consideringtheway hedidgreether heleaneddownandkissedher.Thoseteasinglipsofhismovedsmoothlyagainst her own,coaxingthemopenuntil hecouldgetthetastehewassoclearlylookingfor.
Then,hismouthtraveledover her chin.Thesweetkissesdottedover her skin,leavingsparksevery singlespotthattheylanded.
God. Shelovedthisman.
All toosoon,though,Johnpulledawaywithateasinggrin.“Missedyoutoday,babe.”
“Didyou?”
“Mmhmm.”
Nervesclimbedhigher inSiena’sthroat.NotthatJohnmadeher nervous,butrather,somethingshe hadtotalktohimabout.She’dgivenittwoentireweeksafter her hospital dischargebeforeeven broachingthetopicifonlybecauseher husbandwaswhohewas andhecouldbe overly protective ofher for it,too.
“Well,you’ll beseeingmemoreduringthedaysoon,”shetoldhim. Atthat,Johnstraightenedtohisfull heightandplacedhishandstothebackofthecouch.“Oh,why isthat?”
“Iwasthinking…Ishouldprobablygetbacktowork.Imean,it’sbeentwoweekssinceIgotout ofthehospital.Iwasgiventheall clear yesterday,andwebothknow thosenumbersdon’twork themselves.”
“Ihadsomeone ”
“Doing all thenumbers?”sheasked.
Johnchuckledandtippedhisheadtotheside.“Icouldfindsomeonetodo those numbers,too, Siena.”
Yeah,heprobablycould. Didn’tmatter.
Sienawastheonlyonewhoreallyknew all theillegal facetsofJohn’sbusinesswhenitcameto money.Shecouldhideit,washit,andmore.Theideaofsomeoneelsehavingaccesstothosefiles andnumbersmadeher sicktoher stomach.Itwouldonlytake one mistake.Onemisstep asingle error for theIRStobeuptheir asssevenwaystoSunday.Whichwouldonlyleaveher husband arrested,likely. Andher.
Sienawouldn’thavethat.
“Iwanttogetbacktowork,”shesaidsimply. Johnsmiledsoftly.“Ifigured.”
“Didyou?”
“Yeah.Yougetstir-crazy.”
Shescoffed,butreally…hewasn’twrong.
“AndIplannedfor it,”Johnadded,hisrighthandleavingthecouchtoskimover her throatand downher chest.Hiswanderinghandscametoastopatthenecklineofher over-sizedsleepshirt.He fingeredthefabricofher shirt,everygrazeateasetoher senses.Didheevenknow how muchjusthis touchcouldaffecther?“Adriver andshorter workdaystostartback how’sthat?”
“Andnoargumentotherwise?”shereplied. Withlessair.Hisfingershadjustdancedover her throatagain,after all. “DidyouthinkIwouldargueaboutyouwantingtogobacktowork?”
Sienaswallowedhard.“Well,you do worry.” “Notrightnow,”hemurmured,aglintinhiseyeashisgazetraveledover theshirtshe’dpulledon after ashower.
Shegrinnedback.“Notnow. So,doesthewayyoulookrightnow meanyou’redonetreatingme likeachinadoll?”
“Firstofall,Ihave not treatedyoulikeachinadoll.”
“Actually,for theentiretimeIwassick.LikeyouthoughtIwouldbreakifyoulookedatmethe wrongway,John.”
Histonguepeekedouttowethislower lipbeforehesmirkedsinfully.ThesightalonemadeSiena alittlemorebreathless. God. Hewasbeyondsexywhenhegrinnedlikethat didheevenknow what itdidtoher;how wet itmadeher?
“Secondly,”headded,asthoughshehadn’tsaidanythingatall,“how doIlookrightnow?” “Asthoughyou’regoingtofuckmeall night.”
Thattime,heflashedhisteethwithhissmile. Shecouldn’tbreatheatall.
“DoIgettostartwithhavingyouonthiscouch?”heasked.“Becauseyouknow Ilovethewaymy nameechoesinthisroomwhenyouscreamit.”
“Icertainlyhopeso.”
Withhisnextlaugh onethatrangdarkand pleased andwicked hedroppedhisblazer tothe floor.Sienastill hadn’tmanagedtocatchher breathbeforehewasrollingover thebackofthesofato fall ontopofher.Shedidn’tthinkitwaspossibletogetone’sclothesoffinmereseconds,but somehow,sheandJohnmanagedit. Yeah.
Ithaddefinitelybeentoolong.
Johngaveher whatshewanted,too.Fuckedher until shewasscreaminghisnameanditbounced offall thewalls.Heworkedher bodylikeafineinstrumentthathe’dspenthisentirelifelearningto playwiththebestkindoflove.
Andthenhetookher upstairstotheir bedtodoitagain.
“Listentothetwoofyou bickeringlike babies. ” Pinkscoffedhardandloud.“Babiesdon’tbicker,man.”
“Nah,theywhineandcry,”Andinoreturnedjustasfast,“andyour whiningandcryingisgettingon mydamnnerves.”
“Everythinggetsonyour fuckingnerves.”
“Startingwith you. ” “Yeah,butitkeepsyouatyour best,Andi,”Pinkreturned.
“That’sdebatable.”
“Or true,”Michel added,joiningtheconversation.“Otherwise,whywouldyouhavekeptLev aroundfor thislong,anyway?Someoneelsewithhismouthandbullshit,andyouwouldhaveputthem inashallow gravebeforeanyoneknew whathappened.That’sfacts.”
“That’swhat I’ve beensayingfor years.”
JohnhadtoagreewithPinkandMichel,butunlikethem,heknew better thantopointitoutto Andino.Thatwouldlikelyleadtoawholeother discussionthatwouldonlymakehiscousinfeel defensive.Andi didn’tliketoadmitwhenhecaredfor people,never mindwhenhe needed somebody around.Hemuchpreferredfor everyonetobelievehewasthecoldassholewithaheartofstone.
Frankly,Johnunderstoodwhy.
Mostly.
“Youknow what,”Andinomuttered,“you’rebothworkingmynervesnow.LuckyIfuckinglikethe twoofyou.”
Laughter filledtherestaurant’srear officebetweenthreedistinctmenasJohnapproached.Thechef behindtheprepstationliftedhisheadandnoddedatthepassingman;hereturnedthegestureto Andino’semployee.Oneofthefew thatheactuallylikedbutthatwasmostlybecausethemancould cooklikenobody’sbusiness.Hehadanattitude,butmostpeoplewhoweresuccessful atsomething werealittletoocockyfor their owngood.
EvenJohn.
“Who’sbickeringaboutwhatnow?”
John’squestionatthethreemenintheofficeturningtofindhimstandinginthedoorway.Whenone couldn’tfindAndinodoingbusiness outside ofhisfavoriterestaurant,andthemanalsowasn’teating atoneofthetablesor theprivatesection,thenhecouldalwaysbefoundinhisrear office.Itwas probablysupposedtobefor themanager ofthebusinessbutseeingashow thiswaswhereAndino didthemajorityofall hiswork well,themanager likelymadeitworkelsewhere.Johnnever cared toask.
“Andthat’smysigntogetgoing,”Michel said,standingfromhischair withachucklewherehehad beensittingbesidePink.“IhavetodropAntonyofftoMabecauseGabbiewon’thavetimetoday.” Johnsteppedasideinthedoorwaytolethiscousinpass.“You’rehandlingthatissuetodayfor me, aren’tyou?”
“TheCapowiththerackettrouble it’sonmylist.” “Thanks,man.”
Michel clappedJohnontheshoulder ashepassedandthenwavedtwofingersover hisshoulder to
saygoodbyetotheother twomenheleftbehindintheoffice.WithanodfromAndino,Johnclosed thedoor behindMichel andshutouttherestoftherestaurant.Notthatanyoftheemployeeswould haveanythingtosayaboutthebusinessanddiscussionstheylikelyoverhearddayinanddayout,but onecouldn’tbetoocareful inthislife.Andinohadgreatemployeesthathevettedlikenobody’s business,nottomentionpaid very well toturntheir cheekstohisactivities,butstill … Nochances.
“How’sSiena?”Pinkasked,standingfromhischair beforeremovingthecoathe’dsetalongthe back.“Feelinganybetter?”
Johngrinnedatthethoughtofhiswife.“Muchbetter.”
“Goodtohear.I’ll beoutinthediningroomwhenyou’rereadytogetastartontheday,John.” “Soundsgood.Leonardiscoming letmeknow whenhegetshere.Ipromisedhimbreakfastanda chatbeforeIdoanything.Youdon’tmindwaitingfor that,doyou?” Pinkshrugged.“Notatall.”
“Multitasking?”Andinoaskedafter Pinkexitedtheoffice. Johnsighed,andtookaseatoppositetohiscousinsittingbehindthelargedesk.Besidethe furnituresleptadogwhohadn’tevenperkedhisheadupatJohn’sarrival or theexitoftheother men. Thenagain,Snapswassoaccustomedtothethreeofthemcomingandgoingfromhismaster’soffice thathenolonger cared.
Thatwas,unlessAndinowasn’t in theoffice.Then,Snapsbecamesomethingelseentirely,andhe behavedasthoughhedidn’trecognizethematall.Nonetheless,theruddy-coloredPitbull slept happily,snoringaway.
“Gettingthingscrossedoffmyto-dolist,”Johnreplied.“Andyouknow,gettingeverythingbackthe wayIlikeitafter mybreak.”
Andinonodded.“Ihadeverythinghandled.”
“NotlikeIhandleit,though.”
Thathadhiscousinchuckling.
“No,Isupposenot,John.”
“Nooffense,”Johnaddedquickly.
Andinoshruggedhisbroadshouldersandleanedbackinhischair tofoldhisarmsover hischest. He’drolledhisdressshirtuptohiselbows;asuresignthatthemanplannedondoingverylittlefor therestofthedayandwasreadytorelax.That’salwayswhatitmeantwhenheremovedhisblazer androlleduphissleeves.
“Nooffensetaken,”Andinoreplied.“It’sbetter weunderstandnow thatyouandIaren’tthesame men,andwe’renotgoingtohandleour businessthesame.Although,itseemsyoumighthavefinally figuredoutwhattodoaboutthewholeunderbossandconsiglierething,no?”
“I’mnotfollowing,andLeonard’sgoingtobeheresoonfor asession,so ” “Michel andPink.”
Ah.
“Listen,it’snotbeenexplicitlysaidor anything,”Johnexplained,“buttheydowhattheydo,andit worksfor me.Iknow they’renotmademen ”
“Theydon’thavetobe.Theyjusthavetobe your men.There’sbeenmanybosseswhohadrighthandmenthatweren’t in withthefamilyinonewayor another.Associates,or whatever thecasemay be.Nooneisgoingtothinklessofyouor thembecausethey’renotmademen.”
“Mightitcausetrouble,though?”
Andinosmirked.“Well,we’dhandlethat,yeah? Easy.Samewaywehandleditwhenyoutook
over theCalabresefaction.It’sreallythatsimple.”
Butwasit?
Johndidn’tknow.
“It’snotjusteveryoneelse,”Johntoldhiscousin.“It’salso them.LevandMichel,Imean.” “Whatdoyou ”
“Ihaven’tasked them,Andi.”
“Michel isspendinghisafternoonpickinguphissonbeforemakingatriptoseeyour Capo,and Pinkiswaitingfor your therapistsothatyoucantakeyour breakfastinpeacewithoutinterruption whileyouhaveasession.Whatmoreneedstobesaid?”
Johnstaredhardathiscousin.Andinolookedrightback,unbothered. Nothingnew toseehere.
“Idon’tknow,”Johnmurmured. Andinonodded.“Yeah,meeither.”
HisconversationwithAndinolingeredinJohn’smindlongafter itfinished.Hewashalfway throughhisbreakfastandchatwithLeonardbeforehe’dblinked,andyethismindkeptgoingbackto hiscousinandwhathe’dsaid.
“John?”
“Hmm?”
Acrossthetable,Leonardsmiledathim.“Youseemdistracted.” “Work.”
“Oh badthings?”
“No,justthingstothinkabout,”Johnreturned. “Thathappens.ThatthingI’dmentioned Iwashopingyoumightmaketimetomeetwithsomeone for me.”
ThathadJohn’sfull attention.
“Who?”heasked.
“Afriend,”Leonardreplied.“Ithinkhecouldhelpyouwiththingsthatperhaps,Icannot.” “Youhelp.”
“Imightnotalwaysbeableto,though.”
Johntookmorethanafew secondstoreplytothat.“Why?” Thesilencegrew longer.
Heavy. Itwasn’tlikeLeonard. Johndidn’tlikeitatall.
Eventually,histherapistsaid,“I’msick,John.Bladder cancer.Myfirsttreatmentwastwoweeks ago,butIwantedtowaituntil everythingwassettledwithyoubeforeIbroughtitup.Ihopeyou understand.”
Why wheneverythinginhislifeseemedtobegoing so well didtheworldhavetocome crashingdownaroundhim?
Apparently,Siena’sfirstdaybackatwork whichjusthappenedtolandonaFriday wasalso welcomeSienabackdaywithaconstantstreamofvisitors.EveryonefromJohn’smother tohissister cametosayhelloanddropher offalittlesomething.
Candy.
Coffee.
Flowers. Sheloveditall.
Butshealsowantedtowork.
After thethirdvisitor whoknockedonher officedoor,however,Sienasimplysettledherselfonthe factthatshewouldnotbegetting anything done.Atleast,nottoday.So,sheshutdownher laptop, orderedaroundofdrinksandsidesfromthekitchen,andmadeher wayouttothediningroomtosit downandenjoyher friendsandfamily.
“I’mnottoolate,amI?”Havenasked,tossingher bagtothefloor beforedroppingintoachair.“I hadsomethingstohandle,isall.Sorry.”
AcrossthetablewhereshesatnexttoJohn’smother becauseJordyndecidedtodaywasthebest daytogoover theplansfor her sister’sbirthdayparty Sienalaughedandshookher head.“Listen, after GinevraleftwhenAlessiocametopickher upandCatherinecalledtosayshewouldbehere aroundsupper,Igaveup any hopeofgettingworkdonetoday.”
Havengrinnedwidely.“Aww,youhavefriendswholoveyou. Shame,that.” “I’mnotcomplaining.”
Andshewasn’t.
Truly.
“Butyouall couldhavespreadouttheloveover several days,maybe,”Sienasaid.“Ijustcaughta boutofpneumonia Ididn’tdie.”
Haven,asseriousasshecouldbe,simplystaredatSiena.“And?”
God. Thesepeople.
Shelovedthem,though.
“How’sVal doinginToronto?”sheasked.
“Rosegoldor goldandsilver?”Jordynasked,peeringdownather phone.“Although,there’sthis cuteblackandrosegoldthemeI’mreallyliking.Wecouldmakethatwork.”
“Rosegoldandblack,”Sienareturned.“Definitely.Shewill love that.Iswear sinceGinevra movedinwithAlessioandCorrado,they’vebothbledintothegirlsmorethananyoneknows.Oneis all classandscreamswealth theother isall darkandmoody…it’sliketwoentirelydifferent people.Whichtheyare.Idon’tknow how shedoesit.”Then,backtoHaven,sheadded,“Ihaven’t seenVal inforever.”
Never missingabeat,Havensaid,“Reallywell.Idon’tgettoseeher asmuchasIlike,butwe figureitoutanddowhatwehavetosothatwegettimetogether.Or youknow,Ibitch a lot toAndino, whichhecan’tstand,andthenhegetsmadenoughtocall Chrisanddohisthing.Wemakeitwork.”
“Your husbandcanbekindofhorrible.”
Havensmiledagain.“Iknow it’swhyIlovehim.”
Goodthingsomebodydid.
That’swhatcounted.
“Butseriously,”Havensaid,givingSienaalook,“how are you feeling?” “Alotbetter.”
“Yeah?”
“Lessdead,”Sienarepliedhonestly.“That’sanimprovement,trustme.”
Laughter passedbetweenthethreewomenatthetable.Theyquietedwhenoneoftheserversmade her waytothetabletorefill Siena’scoffee,bringJordynanother glassoflemonwater,andthentook anorder fromHavenaswell.
“AndJohn?How’shedoingwith…all ofthis,Imean?Iknow hegetsalittleonedgewhenever somethingisgoingonwithyou.Iimaginehemusthavebeensomethingelsefor thepastfew weeks, huh?”
ThatmadeSienapause. Justfor asecond.
Havendidn’tmeananyharmbyasking.Andnothingthatshesaidwasalie,either.Itwasnosecret thatJohncouldbecomejustatouchunbearablewhensomethingwaswrongwithhiswife.Snappy, difficult,andmoody…thosewerejustafew ofthethingsthatanyoneindirectcontactwithJohnhad todeal withduringtimesthatputhimunder alotofstress.
Atthesametime,theywere so private.Theydidn’tsharealotaboutwhatwashappeningintheir personal livesbecauseitwasonewaythatJohnfeltlikeitkepthismental illnessaclosedbookto anyonewhowasn’thisparentsor wife.Itwasn’tthathedidn’twanttoshare,butwithoutmeaningto, peopleoftenprojectedtheir ownassumptionsor beliefsabouthow Johnshoulddeal withiteven whentheyknew nothingaboutit.
Itwaseasier tojust…well, not. “He’sfine,”Sienasaid.“Youknow John.” Yeah.
Thatseemedlikeagoodwaytosayit. Or deflect.
Buthey,ifHavenwasoffendedthatSienadidn’tgetdeepintothedetailsabouthow Johnhad handledher suddenillnessandshorthospital stay,thewomandidn’tknow it.Notthatitstopped Sienafromstill feeinglikeshehadtobedefensiveofher husband,andtheir choices not todiscuss anythingthatevenremotelytouchedhisbipolar disorder or mightevenbringitintotheconversation. Itwasonlyafter Haven’sorder camein,andher phonerangwithacall thatshesteppedawayfrom thetabletotakethatSienaturnedtoher mother-in-law whowasstill busymakinganentire inspirationboardfor her younger sister’sbirthdayparty. “Isitalwaysgoingtobelikethat?”sheasked. Jordynliftedher head.“Whatdoyoumean?” Shesighed. Andtookasecondto think. Maybefeel,too.
IftherewasanythingthatbeingwithJohnhadtaughtSiena,itwasthattherewasnothingwrong withtakingamomenttohandleyourselfbeforesomeoneelse.Itwasagoodlessontolearnbecause everyonehadtolookoutfor themselvesfirstwhether thatwasfor their mental healthor whatever. “John,”Sienaeventuallysaid.“Will Ialwaysfeel like whenitcomestoother people Ihaveto
defendhimor protecthim…youknow,withoutoffendingeveryonewhoasksabouthimor meor us?”
Jordynsmiledsoftly.“Doyoufeel likeyouhaveareasontobedefensiveaboutJohn or rather, has he givenyouareasontodothat?”
Sienadidn’tevenhavetothinkaboutit.
“No,hedoesn’t.It’sjust…Idon’twantanyoneelseto,either.”
“Well,that’syour answer,then.Andifyoudon’tallow themto,thentheycan’t.What’stobe offendedover aboutthat,Siena?”
Shehadagoodpoint.
Sienawouldremember it.
SEVEN
RosewoodCentral anew parklocatedoutsidethecitylimitsandpopular for thoselivinginthe upper scalesuburbs wasquieter thanitwouldusuallybeonaWednesday.Johnwouldknow consideringhespenteveryWednesdaywalkingthroughthisparkwithLeonardbecauseitwaswhat histherapistlikedtocall a middle ground for themboth.InsteadofasessionatLeonard’sofficeor theman’shouse,or evenJohn’s,thetwoofthemmethere.
Veryfew joggerspassedJohnbyonthepathways.Onlyahandful ofdogownershadbeenmilling inthedogparksection.Hewouldn’tcomplainaboutthelackofpeople,however,consideringthe manhewouldusuallybemeetingherewouldnotactuallybeshowinguptoday,thoughtheplanhad beenfor himtobehere,because
“Johnathan,you’relookingwell.It’sbeenwhat,afew yearssincewelastspoke?”
Johnfoundthesourceofthequestionsittingonanearbybenchunder arather largeoaktreewhich providedagoodspreadofshadefor anyonesittingunderneathitsheavybranches.CaraGuzzi smiled hiswayandthatalonefeltwelcomingevenifeveryinchofhimradiatedwithhesitanceandwariness. Itwasn’tbecauseofher or her presence,really butitjustwas.
New thingscouldbe…tricky.
Especiallyfor John.
Thiswouldcertainlybethat.
“Afew yearsfor sure,”Johnreplied,makingacareful efforttokeephistonepleasantand measured.Hedidn’twantCaratofeel uncomfortableatbeingthemiddlemanhere asLeonardliked tosay becauseshewassimplydoingafriendafavor.“Arewe ” “Comesit,”Carasaidbeforehecouldsayanother thing.“Andwe’ll haveachatfor aminute beforewedoanythingelse.”
Johndraggedinaburninglungful,fillinghischesttocapacitybeforelettingtheair outjustasfast. Ifthewomanonthebenchnoticedhisdiscomfortandstress,shedidn’tsayanythingonewayor another.Hewasgrateful.
TakingaseatontherightsideofthebenchandleavinglotsofspacebetweenhimandCara,John busiedhimselfwithundoingthetwobuttonsonhisArmani blazer whilehepeereddownthepathway leadingtowardthesmall lake.“Quiettoday.”
“Oh,isthisnotthenormhere?Shame,Ilikedit.”
“Well,it’snever overflowing,”hereplied,“soit’squietenoughthatyoucanenjoyyourself.”
“Hmm.”Carapassedhimalook,adding,“AndI’msorryLeonardcouldn’tmakeittoday.Seems hischemoranlater thanusual,didit?”
“Apparently.Thingshappen,though.”
Lifehadtaughthimthat.
Johnrarelyexpectedanythingtogoasplannedregardlessofhow muchhewishedfor thattobethe case.Thingsinhisworldwouldbefar easier toprocessifeverythingwasexactlyhow hewantedit tobe.Andyet, he wastheonewhostill learneddailyhow toadapttothefactthatnothingwas perfect.Includinghimself.
Itwasaprocess.
Asweremostthings.
“Hashediscussedhisillnesswithyou?”Caraasked.“SinceIwastheonewhomadethecall to Cree,andbothheandLeonardknew youandIwereacquainted,Leonardthoughtyouwouldn’tmind mebeinghere.Ihopehewasright.Iwouldn’twanttomakeyoufeel outofplace,John.”
“Youdon’t.Mostly.Thewholedaydoesbutthat’snotunusual for me.”Johnswallowedthickly. “AndLeonardandIspokebrieflyaboutthecancer theimportantpartsandwhat’shappeningnow. How itlooks,andall ofthat.IthinkherealizedIwasnottakingitwell anddecideditwasbetter we didn’tgettooparticular aboutit.”
Asoftsmilestaredbackathim.
“Youconsider himafriend,yes?”sheasked.
“Oneofthefew Idohave.”Johnclaspedhishandsinhislap,needingthetightcontrol ofhis fingerswrappedaroundoneanother tokeephistonelevel whenheadded,“AndIhaven’tdiscussed thefactheissickor intreatmentwithmyfamilyyet.Notevenmywife.”
“Whynot?”
“They’ll worry.Partly.It’sjust…Leonardissick.It’s him.Andhe’smytherapist,nottheirs.So, thesearen’tissuesoftheirs.They’reissuesofmine,that’sall.Iwouldliketokeepthemasmyissues tohandleandnottheirs.”
Then,Johnturnedtoher andasked,“So,Cree,hmm?”
Caranodded.“Yes,Cree.Ithinkyou’ll likehim.” “Oh?”
“He’s…anunusual breedinour business.Let’sjustsaymeetingswith well,hedoesn’tcall peoplepatients,Iguess buthismeetingsdon’ttakeplaceinofficesor parks.That’snotreallyhis style.”
Right. Becausethat’swhyJohnwashere. Tomeethis secondary therapist.
“So,wherearewemeetinghim?”Johnasked.“Andwhen?”
“Notfar fromhere,andwhenever you’rereadytogo.”
AlotofthingsaboutthisdaymadeJohnwanttogohome,crawl intobedwithhiswifewhohewas surehecouldconvincetotakeadayoff,andpretendlikenothingelseexisted.Butthethingwas,he’d signedupfor thelonghaul withLeonard,andtheman’swayswhenitcametotreatingJohnandhis bipolar disorder.Includingthisbecauserightnow,itwasneeded.
“I’mreadyanytime.”
Carasmiledbrightly.“Wonderful.Let’sgo.”
Johnwasn’tsurewhatheexpectedthis Cree whoapparentlyhadamajor handinaventureinLas Vegasthatincludedtrainingandauctioningassassinswithapartner tolooklikeor anything. Leonardhadn’tgivenJohnmuchtogoonwhenhesaidhewantedthetwotomeetsothathecould consider workingwithasecondarytherapistalongsidehispreferredone,buthedidn’texpecttheman whowaitedinsideaboxingring.
Wearingnothingbutlooseshorts,withhishandsalreadytapedupasthoughhewerereadytofight,
andhislong,blackhair plaitedintoasingleropedownhisback,CreegrinnedatJohn.
“Thatsuitisn’tgoingtodoinhere,”Creesaid.
Johnarchedabrow andstaredupattheman.“YouthinkI’mgettinginthere?”
“Ithinkbythescarsonyour knuckles,we’renotgoingtopretendlikeyou’venever thrownapunch, Johnathan.”
“Iprefer John.”
“Doyou?Interesting.”
Wasit?
Hedidn’tsoundlikeit.
JohnpassedCaraalookover hisshoulder,butshesimplyshookher headandlookedawaywitha smile.“So,Cree?”
Shelaughedunder her breath.“Cree hecantakeabittogetusedto.Giveitamomenttowarm up.Thatwasmyhusband’ssuggestion.”
“Idonotneedamomentto warm up to,”Creereturned.“Iamsimplyanacquiredtastethatvery few havebeenluckyenoughtotry.AndIwill acceptnoother description.”
Johngavethemanpointsfor confidence.
“Ipromisehe’s…giveitachance,”thewomansaidasthoughsheknew personally.Hell,maybe shedid.CarashruggedatJohn’squestioningstarebeforesaying,“Everyone,evenmenlikeyou,John, livingthelifeyoudo,needsafeplaces,spaces,andpeople.Leonarddoesknow whathe’sdoing Creesimplydoesitdifferently.Weall do.”
Right.
He’dtrytoremember thatfor this.
“Taketheblazer off,”Creecalledfromthering.“I’msureyoucanspar intherest.Nexttime,less formal clothing.”
Well,thatwasthat.
Everythingwasabouttochange.
Again.
Thatwasmostcertain,anditalsoseemedliketheonlythingSienacouldbesureaboutinher life, now.Her andJohnwouldjustbecomesettledintosomekindofaroutineintheir marriage it happenedover andover againinthelastthreeyearssincetheysaid I do andsomethingwouldcome alongtogivethemanew normal. Exceptthiscouldn’tbethesame. Notatall.
Iftherewasonething aboveall things abouther marriageandJohnthatSienathoughtwasmost importanttoremember,itwasthatsurpriseswerenotwelcomed.Especiallyifsaidsurprisemeanta hugechangeintheir lives,or somethingthatcouldcauseamassiveemotional upheaval.
For other people,achangecouldbeagoodthing.Alittlestress,andabitnerve-racking,sure.They would,however,roll withthepunchesandacceptthechange.
For John,though,achangethatcouldandwouldimpacthisentirelifeoftenledhimtooverthinking, panicking,andmore.Italmostguaranteedahypomanicepisodewouldbeonthehorizon,andonce thatwascontrolled,ashortboutofdepressiontobattle.
Sienanever blamedhimfor thesethings. Shenever wishedfor anythingdifferent. Oh,shelovedJohn. Everypartofhimwasherstolove.
Soasshesatontheedgeofthetubintheir master bathroom,andstaredatthelittlestripofplastic inher hand…shecouldn’thelpbutthinkofwhatthiswouldmean,andwhatwouldcomeofit. Thepregnancytestflashedwiththeword pregnant. Over andover.
Ithadbeenflashingthatfor thirtyminutesnow.Her heartwassofull happiness,trepidation,and joy.Alovesofierce,shecouldhardlybreathe.Already,shelovedthisbaby.Achildshedidn’tknow, andwouldnotseeor holdfor months.Achildwhosegender wasstill unknown,andwhosenamewas yettobepicked.
Andyet… God,shelovedthisbaby. Still,thehesitanceshefeltwasalsoveryreal. Longago,sheandJohnhaddecidedthatchildrenwouldbeaverycarefullyplannedeventfor them. Whenbothofthemwereready,andwheneverythingwashandled,thentheywouldmoveforward together onhavingchildren. Thishadnotbeenplannedatall. Certainlynotcarefully.
TheterriblechestcoldthatleftSienawithanastyinfection,andledintopneumoniathatshe couldn’tshakecausedher tomisstheappointmentfor her shot.Shehadbeenstuckinbed,andthenin thehospital whenthepneumoniagotreallybad.
Johnhadbarelylefther side,ofcourse.
Onceshewasbetter,her doctor recommendedshewaituntil her cyclestartedatleastonce asshe hadn’thadaperiodinyearssincestartingtheshot beforetheystartedthebirthcontrol again.They hadbeenadvisedtousecondomsasabackupmethod.
Yeah,well …
Her cyclenever started.SheandJohndidn’tknow whatafuckingcondomwasconsideringthey hadn’tusedthemsincethestartoftheir relationshipyearsago. Theybothknew better.
She knew better.
Thiswasboundtohappen.
SienahadpromptlyvomitedeverybitoftheeggsandbaconJohnhadleftfor her intheovenbefore heleftfor hismorningjog.Shehadbeenkeepingapregnancytesthiddeninher purse…justincase. Apartofher alreadyknew.
Sienatappedthetestagainsther palmagain. Pregnant,itflashed.
Shewasstill tryingtofigureoutawaytotell Johnandnotsurprisehim,sotospeak.Sheknew it wasgoingtobepracticallyfuckingimpossible.Therecouldbenocutereveal thatshesecretly recorded,andthenpostedfor theworldtosee.Therecouldbenobabyshoesinagiftboxfor himto openandbesurprised.
Noneofthatcouldhappen.
Shehadtotakeawaythatelementofshocksothatthisdidnotfeel likesomethingJohnwasnot readyfor inthefirstplace.
Easier saidthandone.
Childrenhadbeenhisonesoretopicfor years.Notbecausehedidn’twanttobeafather,but becausesheknew heworriedthathewasgoingtopassonthesamegeneticsthathadbeengivento him.Whatever itwasinhisDNAthatlefthimwithadisorder thatcloudedandcoloredhislife, thoughts,andemotional processingalittlebitdifferentlythaneveryoneelse. Itdidn’tmatter.
Childrenhadalwaysbeennon-negotiablefor her.Andsheknew withoutadoubtthatJohnwould bethebestfather.
Therewasnothingwrongwithhim.Therehadnever beenanythingwrongwithhim.Justliketheir children nothingwouldever bewrongwiththem,either.Regardless,theywouldbeperfectly them. Littlebabiesmadebypeoplewholovedeachother andwouldlovethem. They would havekids.
Itwassimplywhen.
Sienafiguredthattimewasnow.
So,shetookamomenttoabsorbhow differenteverythingwouldbenow.Then,shestoodup,shook offtheoverwhelmingemotions,andbeganplanninghow shewouldtell John.
