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Between 1948 and 1994, there existed one of the most controversial political practices in all of the twentieth century. Perhaps in all of history. To those born after that time, or even to those of us looking back several decades after its end, it can seem almost unfathomable that the South African system of apartheid was ever instituted. Apartheid means “separateness,” and the system was one of legal racial segregation that spanned almost half a century.
Apartheid classified South Africans and even visitors to that country into racial groups—Black, White, Colored, and Indian or Asian. A 1949 law made it illegal for South Africans to marry someone of another race, while “Africans were expected to carry passes with them wherever they went. Failure to produce a pass on request by the police officer was an offense.”1 Under the apartheid system, it was illegal for people of different races to use the same public amenities, such as restaurants, public swimming pools, and restrooms. Black South Africans were relocated to live in Black “homelands” and in 1970 were no longer
1 “Apartheid Legislation 1850s-1970s,” South African History Online, https://www.sahistory.org.za/article/apartheid-legislation-1850s-1970s, accessed May 31, 2023.
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considered legal citizens of South Africa but instead were citizens of one of 10 self-governing territories.
Not surprisingly, the apartheid system bred massive discontent, enormous protests, and international condemnation. Many, many people died and were brutally, cruelly, and unjustly treated under apartheid.2 But when F.W. de Klerk was elected president of South Africa in 1989, he moved swiftly to end apartheid. By the time elections were held in 1994, apartheid had been dismantled, and the nation was being governed by a Black majority.
Many were concerned that when Black South Africans assumed political power, their prime concern would be revenge. People in South Africa and around the world feared there would be mass bloodshed, vendettas, and rioting. But what actually happened was something rather incredible. Though it was imperfect, and though some people would strongly disagree with it, a Truth and Reconciliation Commission was established, where both victims and perpetrators of
2 It must be remembered that South Africa is far from the only country in relatively recent times that have had oppressive policies based on race.
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violence and injustice could testify. The chairman of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission was Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who, like the country’s new president, Nelson Mandela, was committed to seeing South Africa move forward and not descend into chaos. After serving as Commission chairman, Archbishop Tutu recognized one key component that would ensure the nation a viable future. He wrote a book expressing his belief. The book was titled No Future Without Forgiveness. 3
The Bible agrees with Desmond Tutu’s conclusion. In Matthew 6, immediately after Jesus gave His disciples the Lord’s Prayer, He uttered these solemn words: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14–15).
Consider the enormity of that statement. If a person refuses to extend forgiveness to another person, that person will not be forgiven by God. Notice that in this passage, Jesus did not say, “If you refuse to obey God, He will not forgive 3 Desmond Tutu, No Future Without Forgiveness (New York, NY: Random House, 2000).
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you.” Nor did He say, “If you don’t serve others, God will not forgive you.” Instead, Jesus said, clearly and unequivocally, “If you will not forgive others, God will not forgive you.” We are forgiven because we forgive. We are forgiven as we forgive.
That is a statement many people struggle with. The directness of Jesus’ words confirms that should you wonder if God really wants you to forgive a certain individual for a certain thing— however bad it might be—the answer that comes back to us from the Bible is … yes. Yes, God expects you to forgive a person, even for that. In Jesus’ day, it was spiritually fashionable for people to be religious outwardly but inwardly full of sin and hypocrisy. Jesus described certain religious leaders as “whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness” (Matthew 23:27). He described them as people who “cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence” (verse 25). The same pitiful religious leaders didn’t want to desecrate the Passover while they were in the throes of murdering the Son of God. The religious leaders in Jesus’ day
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were careful to fast and fulfill certain religious requirements but planned to kill Lazarus simply to silence a voice that testified to the power of Jesus (John 12:10). Yet hypocrisy was not the domain only of religious leaders. James and John were laboring as two of Jesus’ closest and most dedicated followers when they requested that they might call down fire from heaven and incinerate a group of people who did not share their spiritual convictions (Luke 9:54).
Peter demonstrated spiritual pride and superiority on an occasion when he came to Jesus with an important theological question. “Lord,” he asked, “how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” He definitely wasn’t expecting the answer Jesus gave him. In a nod to the 70 weeks prophecy of Daniel 9, which pointed to His own mission as Messiah, Jesus replied, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21–22).
Jesus taught that it is the duty of the Christian to forgive. And He emphasized the importance of that teaching by stating that forgiveness is a prerequisite for entering heaven. Jesus was very clear. People who choose to remain unforgiving,
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or choose to hold on to grudges and slights and hurts and absolutely refuse to forgive, should not waste their time planning to go to heaven. Heaven is not for those who refuse to forgive. The One who had the greatest reason not to forgive was Jesus. As He was unjustly dying on a cross—an instrument of torture—for the sins of others, and as people were driving nails into His hands and feet, Jesus prayed to His Father and said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34).
What is fascinating about Jesus’ prayer from the cross is that, on one level, His murderers knew exactly what they were doing. Crucifixion was calculated to inflict maximum pain, the greatest possible amount of suffering. The people for whom Jesus prayed intentionally nailed Him to the cross. Yet, knowing they were not fully aware of the ramifications of their actions, Jesus cried out to His Father and requested that He forgive His tormentors. It would be foolish to ignore the fact that from a human perspective it can sometimes seem impossible to forgive. One can easily imagine a person saying, “I know I have to forgive. I know what the Bible says. But how do I do it?” And
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that’s a good question. How do you forgive someone who wrecked your marriage? Someone who was unfaithful to you? How do you forgive someone who ruined you financially? How do you forgive someone who deliberately slandered you or spread lies about you or was responsible for you losing a job? How do you forgive someone who abused you or who killed your family member? How do you forgive a parent who ruined your life? How could a German Jew forgive his or her Nazi captors, an African American forgive a racist system, or a Black South African forgive the pain caused by apartheid? These are difficult issues which, to some, may seem impossible. But we remember that Jesus doesn’t ask anyone to do the impossible. He doesn’t ask you to do anything that His grace cannot enable you to do. We read in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Through Jesus, even forgiveness for the most awful things can become possible.
Ephesians 4:31–32 says, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
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In considering forgiveness, it is important to understand what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not saying someone’s hurtful actions are okay when they clearly are not. Forgiveness does not have to include making up and allowing things to go back to what they once were. And forgiveness most definitely does not let someone off the hook for the hurtful, inappropriate, and damaging things they have done.
While the old line, “forgive and forget,” is very well known, it’s also very unrealistic. You cannot forget what someone did to you. And in some cases, it would be unwise and unhealthy to forget what another person has done to negatively affect you. If someone were to stand on your toe or bump into you in line, you would not think twice about that. But if you were the victim of domestic abuse, forgetting what happened to you would be unhealthy. If someone seriously wronged your children, you would choose to forgive that person, but you wouldn’t allow that person to spend time alone with them. Remembering what they had done would be vital to the well-being of your family. If your neighbor allowed his angry dog to roam freely and you were bitten by the dog, you would forgive your neighbor, but forgetting what
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you experienced would only cause further harm. “Forgive and don’t hold a grudge” might be a better sentiment. “Forgive and forget” is often a recipe for continued pain. I laughed at your misfortune and caused you embarrassment? “Forgive and forget” is appropriate because we’ve been longtime friends, and you know that I meant no harm. But when you share a personal matter with a colleague, who then shares your secret with everyone, you would choose to forgive, and you would choose to remember that your colleague cannot be trusted with personal matters. To forget that is almost certain to cause you a great deal of anxiety.
One challenge many people have is dealing with the feeling that forgiveness somehow justifies or excuses the unkind thing another person did. That is far from the truth. The new, handsome boy at high school steals your girlfriend? It makes no sense to feel anger towards the young man for the rest of your life and, realizing that, you feel as though you should forgive him for what he did. He had a fancy car, plenty of money, good looks, and even though there were other single girls in school, he wooed your girlfriend and stole her heart. You might wrestle with how it would look if you forgave him and
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didn’t act out your anger towards him. Perhaps that would send a message that what he did was acceptable? Perhaps your friends would feel like you let the guy off the hook? Not so. You might choose to talk to the young man and tell him you’re not impressed by what he did: “You didn’t need to do that. Emma and I had been dating for six months!” His conscience bothers him. He’s been told by others that what he did wasn’t appropriate. You say, “But I forgive you, even though what you did was not right.” The young man in question knows he did wrong. Others told him. His own sense of right and wrong told him. You told him. Then you forgave him. Forgiving him did not send the message that what he did was okay. Forgiving him did not let him off the hook. Forgiving him let you off the hook.
And something that must be kept in mind is that, after forgiving a person, you don’t necessarily have to “make up” with the person you forgave. In some extreme cases, it may be best to never see that person again. The person who murdered your child or destroyed your parents’ finances might not ever be an appropriate dinner guest, particularly if they are unrepentant or belligerent. But even if that is the case, you can forgive, and forgive meaningfully.
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However, even when truly terrible things have been done, forgiveness may unite people in surprisingly close bonds. When It Is Written was in Rwanda a number of years ago, our team learned a remarkable story of forgiveness. When a woman who lost her family in the genocide confronted the man who murdered her loved ones, she not only expressed her forgiveness but also chose to welcome the killer into her own home and treat him as her son.
When Sue received a phone call from her brother telling her that her parents had been callously murdered, she felt numb. The killer made off with $61 and an old truck, having shot dead a defenseless elderly couple. Sue struggled to understand why anyone would want to hurt people who were old and poor.
As Sue sat through the trial of the man who took the lives of her parents, it was obvious to her that people in the courtroom were consumed with hate. And they all expected her to feel the same way. But “hate didn’t feel good,” Sue told me when I spoke with her.
On the last night of the trial, Sue prayed for God to open the way for her to visit the man who had killed her parents. The next day she received
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permission to visit the man who had devastated her family. According to The Baltimore Sun, when Sue met with the man, she said, “‘I want you to know that I don’t hate you.…I’ve not ever hated anyone in my whole life, and I’m not going to start now. In fact, if you’re guilty, I forgive you.’ Then she took his hand in prayer.”4
While Sue never felt the murderer should be released from prison, Sue explained to me that she and the man who killed her parents became close friends. Through her example and friendship, the man became a devout Christian who asked for God’s forgiveness for what he did. “‘I don’t look at life quite like I used to,’ he said. ‘I just don’t have all that hate. It’s gone.’”5 Sue was present when he was executed in 2003, determined that in the last moments of his life, the man would know that he had a friend. Even when you forgive someone, there will, and sometimes should, be consequences. If the neighbor boy’s baseball goes through your kitchen
window, should you forgive little Andy for his carelessness? There’s no question. But when Andy says, “I’m sorry,” and you say, “I forgive you, Andy,” does that transaction mean there are no consequences for what Andy has done? If your colleague steals money from your wallet or purse, and you forgive your colleague, is that the end of the matter? Or should there be consequences, even when there is forgiveness?
Consider your relationship with God. God will definitely forgive a person’s drug use, but that does not mean health issues will not arise as a consequence of unwise lifestyle choices. God will certainly forgive immorality. Jesus did so in the Bible on more than one occasion. But God’s forgiveness does not mean there will not be an unplanned pregnancy, that a career will not be interrupted, or that there will be no complications with child support payments.
Andy should pay to have your kitchen window fixed, and even though his parents forgive his indiscretion, they should discipline him for his carelessness. You may forgive the drunk driver who ran a red light and injured your brother-in-law, but that drunk driver should still face the legal consequences of his actions. If
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you shoot someone, you might be forgiven, but you’re still going to go to jail. Of course you forgive your teenage daughter for getting another speeding ticket while driving your car, but if she is ever going to learn anything, you lovingly explain to her that she may not use your vehicle for the next three months. The presence of forgiveness should not mean the absence of consequences.
The truth is forgiveness is a greater blessing to the one doing the forgiving than it is to the person who receives forgiveness. Forgiveness frees a person from being enslaved to the hurtful experiences of the past. Forgiveness liberates you from the pain you carry with you, while enabling you to enjoy an emotionally healthy future. It has often been said that choosing not to forgive is like swallowing a poison pill and hoping the other person will die. Forgiveness is the art of letting go. As long as you hold onto resentment, you hold onto the person who harmed you, and you allow the person who hurt you to continue to exert an influence in your life. In some ways, choosing not to forgive allows the other person to control you. Anger or bitterness influences you and may keep you in a very dark place.
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Many people are holding on to hurts from 10, 20, or even 30 or more years ago. People won’t attend church because of something that happened when they were a child. People hold a grudge against a childhood teacher or a childhood boyfriend or girlfriend. It is common for grown adults to cling to unforgiveness against a former spouse who has moved on, remarried, and begun another family. Choosing not to forgive is not hurting that other person. Choosing not to forgive is not diminishing the other person’s quality of life. Only one life is being harmed, and that is the life of the one choosing not to forgive.
“But it hurts! What my teacher did, what the school bully did, what my former spouse did, what my employer did when she fired me without cause and brought chaos into my family, hurts!” Yes, undoubtedly it hurts. That is understandable. Having your reputation dragged through the mud, having your heart broken by an unfaithful spouse, having your house broken into and losing your cherished possessions hurts. It really, really hurts. But the pain is increased by choosing not to forgive. A bad situation is made incalculably worse by storing ongoing bitterness and resentment in your heart.
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The cover of the winter 1999 issue of Spirituality & Health magazine featured an illustration of three U.S. servicemen, former prisoners of war, standing in front of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. One of them turns to another and asks, “Have you forgiven your captors yet?” His friend says, “No, never!” The first man turns back and says, “Then it seems like they still have you in prison, don’t they?”6
But what do you do when the person who wronged you doesn’t deserve forgiveness? The fact is, people rarely do. The former addict who stole from family members? The teenager who, without permission, went joyriding in his older sister’s car and totaled the vehicle? The self-employed contractor who stopped at a bar on his way home from work, drove home while drunk, and crashed into another vehicle, inflicting serious injury upon its occupants?
None of those people “deserve” forgiveness. In fact, few people ever “deserve” forgiveness. The challenge is that many people have an internal scale according to which they judge the severity of an action and thereby assess the appropriateness of forgiveness. That wasn’t too bad? Then I can forgive. But
something so egregious I determine that it crossed a certain threshold? There’s no way I will forgive. It’s a good thing God doesn’t operate that way. David’s grievous sins were forgiven by God. His prayer of repentance is recorded in Psalm 51. Solomon and Manasseh were both forgiven by God, even though their sins were of a serious magnitude. Peter denied Jesus three times, at the time Jesus needed him most, and still Jesus did not withhold forgiveness. In fact, when the women who went to Joseph’s tomb to anoint the body of Jesus were met by an angel, they were instructed specifically to take a message to the one who had denied that he even knew Jesus. “But go, tell His disciples—and Peter—that He is going before you into Galilee; there you will see Him, as He said to you” (Mark 16:7). Peter, who was no doubt feeling terrible following his act of cowardice and unfaithfulness, was singled out for special encouragement after Jesus rose from the dead. Jesus wanted Peter to know that He forgave him. The persecutor of the early church went on to write more than a dozen books of the New Testament. Both Noah and Lot committed serious indiscretions. Hosea was instructed to forgive Gomer for her misdeeds. Joseph forgave
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his brothers, even though they had planned to kill him, and ultimately sold him into slavery, separating him from his father for many years. Esau forgave Jacob for cheating him out of the birthright.
The journey to healing was not easy for Texas woman, Linda White, following the brutal murder of her 26-year-old daughter, Cathy. But years after the tragedy, she said, “If you let grief take over your life, it’s as if the offense continues over and over again. It turns you angry and bitter. It’s almost like the only relationship you have left with your lost loved one is through the bitterness. People cling to that—because naturally they don’t want to let go.”7 Bill Pelke, whose 78-year-old grandmother was murdered by four teenage girls, forgave the killers for their crime. “‘If you hang on to anger and the desire for revenge, eventually it becomes like a cancer and it will destroy you,’ he says. ‘I did the right thing.’”8
The ultimate example of forgiveness was given to us by Jesus Himself. Jesus came to earth as the
7 Naveena Kottoor, “How do people forgive a crime like murder?” last modified August 20, 2013, https://www. bbc.com/news/magazine-23716713.
8 Ibid.
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light of the world, as the long-awaited Messiah predicted by the prophets. Yet “He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him” (John 1:11). It’s not that people simply didn’t warm to the idea that Jesus was the sent of God. He was “despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3).
Jesus was opposed by the spiritual leaders of the nation of Israel. He was betrayed by one of His disciples. He was denied three times by one of His closest friends. He was falsely accused of crimes He did not commit. He was abandoned by the justice system. The man who handed Him over to be killed had been warned by his wife that Jesus was a just man. In fact, Pilate himself said that he found “no fault in this Man” (Luke 23:4). He was brutally whipped, He carried His own cross to the place of execution, and then was not only ridiculed and humiliated9 but also executed as the lowest of criminals. For His excruciating death, He was positioned between two thieves, the message being that He, the Messiah, the Creator of the world, was nothing but a common criminal.
9 Crucifixion victims were usually crucified naked.
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And yet Jesus uttered one of the most remarkable collection of words ever spoken. “Father, forgive them,” Jesus said, “for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34). Sinful people nailed Jesus to a cross and blasphemously mocked Him as He died. And yet Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them.” And someone cannot forgive another person for laughing at them or for treating them unkindly or for costing them money? Jesus forgave His murderers as they were in the act of murdering Him! There are people everywhere who can’t forgive their parents, even though their parents have been dead for years. The example given to us by Jesus is that we should forgive. Those who nailed Him to the cross did not deserve to be forgiven. They were extinguishing the life of the architect of the universe, the One who had come to “save His people from their sins” (Matthew 1:21), the One who “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38). As they were watching His life drain away, He prayed that they would be forgiven. Some years ago, I visited Coventry Cathedral for the purpose of filming an It Is Written television program.10 In the nineteenth century,
10 “Father Forgive,” It Is Written, uploaded on March 12, 2017, https://itiswritten.tv/it-is-written/father-forgive.
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Coventry was home to a major bicycle manufacturing industry. In the twentieth century, a major motor vehicle industry developed, meaning that when World War II broke out, Coventry was a major target of the German Luftwaffe. On the night of November 14, 1940, a bombing raid involving more than 500 German aircraft damaged large areas of the city, with as many as 500 or more Coventrians losing their lives. Another casualty was the Coventry Cathedral. Built in the late fourteenth and early fifteenth centuries, the cathedral was destroyed. In the aftermath of its destruction, the provost of the cathedral fashioned a simple cross out of two pieces of wood and beneath them wrote the words, “Father Forgive.” It was a moving gesture and one that caught the attention of the nation. Five hundred people had been killed by the enemy, a city had suffered an immense amount of damage, an irreplaceable structure had been devastated, and the cathedral’s senior administrator called on God to forgive. Forgiveness certainly is possible. A young man attending some gospel meetings I was conducting told me he wished to be baptized but felt he could not be, owing to the hatred he felt for his brother.
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“He did some things that I just can’t forgive,” he told me. “I feel hatred towards him, so I really shouldn’t be baptized.” I agreed that as baptism is an outward sign of an inward death to sin, that if he was cherishing hatred, he might wish to wait on being baptized. “But why don’t you instead choose to forgive him?” I asked. “There’s no way I can do that,” he told me. “What he did was just too bad.” I suggested that he could choose to forgive something bad, and he agreed. But then he added, “But I don’t feel like things can ever be the same between us again, and if I forgive him, surely things should be the same again.” I explained that in time, he and his brother may well be able to see their relationship return to what it was like in their best days. Or they might not. I had no idea what had transpired between the two young men. It might be that, depending on what had happened, they might never be the best of friends again. Certainly, when the pain is raw and the challenge of certain wrongs still stings, it can be hard to imagine rough waters ever becoming smooth. But I urged him to begin with forgiveness. “You can choose to forgive your brother,” I assured him. “Choose not to hold a grudge. Choose not to feel malice and bitterness.
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Choose not to hate. Choose to let it go.” And he did. And he was baptized, the weight of the world having been lifted off his shoulders.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”11
It always intrigues me that when my high school friends and I get together and reminisce about our younger days, we often recall exactly the same events in a completely different way. There are things I apparently did or said that I have no recollection of—or that I remember quite differently. Imagine, then, how we remember perceived wrongs. Almost certainly we remember events in the way that best suits us. It’s easy to remember what someone else did to offend you, but our memories of what we did to provoke someone to anger are often not so sharp. You’re upset with Mr. Smith because your child was injured falling off Mr. Smith’s high stone wall, but the fact that he repeatedly warned the
11 Hannah Hutyra, “Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s Quotes on Life, Love and Leadership,” last modified January 16, 2020, https://www.birminghamtimes.com/2020/01/dr-martinluther-king-jr-s-quotes-on-life-love-and-leadership/.
