Tensorsfor DataProcessing Theory,Methods,andApplications
Editedby YipengLiu
SchoolofInformationandCommunicationEngineering
UniversityofElectronicScienceandTechnology ofChina(UESTC) Chengdu,China
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Listofcontributors .............................................xiii Preface......................................................xix
CHAPTER1Tensordecompositions:computations, applications,andchallenges .................... 1 YingyueBi,YingcongLu,ZhenLong,CeZhu,and YipengLiu
1.1 Introduction ......................................1
1.1.1Whatisatensor?............................1
1.1.2Whydoweneedtensors?. ....................2
1.2 Tensoroperations .................................3
1.2.1Tensornotations............................3
1.2.2Matrixoperators ............................4
1.2.3Tensortransformations.......................6
1.2.4Tensorproducts .............................7
1.2.5Structuraltensors............................11
1.2.6Summary..................................13
1.3 Tensordecompositions .............................13
1.3.1Tuckerdecomposition ........................13
1.3.2Canonicalpolyadicdecomposition ...............14
1.3.3Blocktermdecomposition. ....................16
1.3.4Tensorsingularvaluedecomposition.. ...........18
1.3.5Tensornetwork.............................19
1.4 Tensorprocessingtechniques .........................24
1.5 Challenges. ......................................25 References. ......................................26
CHAPTER2Transform-basedtensorsingularvalue decompositioninmultidimensionalimagerecovery 31 Tai-XiangJiang,MichaelK.Ng,andXi-LeZhao
2.1 Introduction ......................................32
2.2 Recentadvancesofthetensorsingularvaluedecomposition..34
2.2.1Preliminariesandbasictensornotations...........34
2.2.2Thet-SVDframework........................35
2.2.3Tensornuclearnormandtensorrecovery ..........38
2.2.4Extensions.................................41
2.2.5Summary..................................44
2.3 Transform-basedt-SVD.............................44
2.3.1Linearinvertibletransform-basedt-SVD ..........45
2.3.2Beyondinvertibilityanddataadaptivity ...........47
2.4 Numericalexperiments .............................49
2.4.1Exampleswithinthet-SVDframework...........49
2.4.2Examplesofthetransform-basedt-SVD..........51
2.5 Conclusionsandnewguidelines... ....................53 References. ......................................55
CHAPTER3Partensor 61
ParisA.Karakasis,ChristosKolomvakis,GeorgeLourakis, GeorgeLykoudis,IoannisMariosPapagiannakos, IoannaSiaminou,ChristosTsalidis,and AthanasiosP.Liavas
3.1 Introduction ......................................62
3.1.1Relatedwork...............................62 3.1.2Notation..................................63
3.2 Tensordecomposition. .............................64
3.2.1Matrixleast-squaresproblems ..................65
3.2.2Alternatingoptimizationfortensordecomposition...69
3.3 Tensordecompositionwithmissingelements.. ...........70
3.3.1Matrixleast-squareswithmissingelements ........71
3.3.2Tensordecompositionwithmissingelements:the unconstrainedcase ...........................74
3.3.3Tensordecompositionwithmissingelements:the nonnegativecase ............................75
3.3.4Alternatingoptimizationfortensordecomposition withmissingelements........................75
3.4 Distributedmemoryimplementations...................75
3.4.1SomeMPIpreliminaries......................75
3.4.2Variablepartitioninganddataallocation ...........77
3.4.3Tensordecomposition ........................79
3.4.4Tensordecompositionwithmissingelements .......81
3.4.5Someimplementationdetails...................82
3.5 Numericalexperiments .............................83
3.5.1Tensordecomposition ........................83
3.5.2Tensordecompositionwithmissingelements .......84
3.6 Conclusion ......................................87 Acknowledgment ..................................88 References. ......................................88 CHAPTER4ARiemannianapproachtolow-ranktensor
4.1 Introduction ......................................91
4.2 AbriefintroductiontoRiemannianoptimization ..........93
4.2.1Riemannianmanifolds ........................94
4.2.2Riemannianquotientmanifolds .................95
4.3 RiemannianTuckermanifoldgeometry .................97
4.3.1Riemannianmetricandquotientmanifoldstructure..97
4.3.2Characterizationoftheinducedspaces. ...........100
4.3.3Linearprojectors ............................102
4.3.4Retraction.................................103
4.3.5Vectortransport.............................104
4.3.6Computationalcost ..........................104
4.4 Algorithmsfortensorlearningproblems................104
4.4.1Tensorcompletion...........................105
4.4.2Generaltensorlearning... ....................106
4.5 Experiments .....................................107
4.5.1Choiceofmetric............................108
4.5.2Low-ranktensorcompletion...................109
4.5.3Low-ranktensorregression....................113
4.5.4Multilinearmultitasklearning ..................115
4.6 Conclusion ......................................116 References. ......................................117
CHAPTER5Generalizedthresholdingforlow-ranktensor
recovery:approachesbasedonmodeland learning 121
FeiWen,ZhonghaoZhang,andYipengLiu
5.1 Introduction ......................................121
5.2 Tensorsingularvaluethresholding. ....................123
5.2.1Proximityoperatorandgeneralizedthresholding....123
5.2.2Tensorsingularvaluedecomposition.. ...........126
5.2.3Generalizedmatrixsingularvaluethresholding.....128
5.2.4Generalizedtensorsingularvaluethresholding ......129
5.3 Thresholdingbasedlow-ranktensorrecovery.............131
5.3.1Thresholdingalgorithmsforlow-ranktensorrecovery132
5.3.2Generalizedthresholdingalgorithmsforlow-rank tensorrecovery.............................134
5.4 Generalizedthresholdingalgorithmswithlearning .........136
5.4.1Deepunrolling. .............................137
5.4.2Deepplug-and-play ..........................140
5.5 Numericalexamples...............................141
5.6 Conclusion ......................................145 References. ......................................147
CHAPTER6Tensorprincipalcomponentanalysis ............. 153 PanZhou,CanyiLu,andZhouchenLin
6.1 Introduction ......................................153
6.2 Notationsandpreliminaries..........................155
6.2.1Notations..................................156
6.2.2DiscreteFouriertransform.....................157
6.2.3T-product .................................159
6.2.4Summary..................................160
6.3 TensorPCAforGaussian-noisydata...................161
6.3.1Tensorrankandtensornuclearnorm.. ...........161
6.3.2AnalysisoftensorPCAonGaussian-noisydata.....165 6.3.3Summary..................................166
6.4 TensorPCAforsparselycorrupteddata.................166 6.4.1RobusttensorPCA..........................167
6.4.4Summary..................................191
6.5 TensorPCAforoutlier-corrupteddata ..................191
6.5.1OutlierrobusttensorPCA. ....................192
6.5.2ThefastOR-TPCAalgorithm..................196
6.6 OthertensorPCAmethods ...........................207
6.7 Futurework......................................208 6.8 Summary........................................208 References. ......................................209
CHAPTER7Tensorsfordeeplearningtheory
215 YoavLevine,NoamWies,OrSharir,NadavCohen,and AmnonShashua
7.1 Introduction ......................................215
7.2 Boundingafunctionāsexpressivityviatensorization ........217
7.2.1Ameasureofcapacityformodelinginput dependencies.. .............................218
7.2.2Boundingcorrelationswithtensormatricizationranks220
7.3 Acasestudy:self-attentionnetworks ...................223
7.3.1Theself-attentionmechanism ..................223
7.3.2Self-attentionarchitectureexpressivityquestions....227
7.3.3Resultsontheoperationofself-attention ..........230
7.3.4Boundingtheseparationrankofself-attention ......235
7.4 Convolutionalandrecurrentnetworks ..................242
7.4.1Theoperationofconvolutionalandrecurrentnetworks243
7.4.2Addressedarchitectureexpressivityquestions ......243
7.5 Conclusion ......................................245 References. ......................................245 CHAPTER8Tensornetworkalgorithmsforimageclassiļ¬cation 249 CongChen,KimBatselier,andNgaiWong
8.1 Introduction ......................................249
8.2 Background ......................................251
8.2.1Tensorbasics...............................251
8.2.2Tensordecompositions... ....................253
8.2.3Supportvectormachines.. ....................256
8.2.4Logisticregression..........................257
8.3 Tensorialextensionsofsupportvectormachine ...........258
8.3.1Supervisedtensorlearning. ....................258
8.3.2Supporttensormachines.. ....................260
8.3.3Higher-ranksupporttensormachines.. ...........263
8.3.4SupportTuckermachines.. ....................265
8.3.5Supporttensortrainmachines ..................269
8.3.6Kernelizedsupporttensortrainmachines ..........275
8.4 Tensorialextensionoflogisticregression................284
8.4.1Rank-1logisticregression. ....................285
8.4.2Logistictensorregression.....................286
8.5 Conclusion ......................................288 References. ......................................289
CHAPTER9High-performancetensordecompositionsfor compressingandacceleratingdeepneural networks ....................................... 293 Xiao-YangLiu,YimingFang,LiuqingYang,ZechuLi,and AnwarWalid
9.1 Introductionandmotivation ..........................294
9.2 Deepneuralnetworks. .............................295
9.2.1Notations..................................295
9.2.2Linearlayer... .............................295
9.2.3Fullyconnectedneuralnetworks ................298
9.2.4Convolutionalneuralnetworks ..................300
9.2.5Backpropagation ............................303
9.3 Tensornetworksandtheirdecompositions ...............305
9.3.1Tensornetworks............................305
9.3.2CPtensordecomposition.. ....................308
9.3.3Tuckerdecomposition ........................310
9.3.4HierarchicalTuckerdecomposition... ...........313
9.3.5Tensortrainandtensorringdecomposition ........315
9.3.6Transform-basedtensordecomposition ...........318
9.4 Compressingdeepneuralnetworks ....................321
9.4.1Compressingfullyconnectedlayers... ...........321
9.4.2CompressingtheconvolutionallayerviaCP decomposition. .............................322
9.4.3CompressingtheconvolutionallayerviaTucker decomposition. .............................325
9.4.4CompressingtheconvolutionallayerviaTT/TR decompositions .............................327
9.4.5Compressingneuralnetworksviatransform-based decomposition. .............................330
9.5 Experimentsandfuturedirections. ....................333
9.5.1PerformanceevaluationsusingtheMNISTdataset...333
9.5.2PerformanceevaluationsusingtheCIFAR10dataset.336
9.5.3Futureresearchdirections.....................337 References. ......................................338
CHAPTER10Coupledtensordecompositionsfordatafusion 341 ChristosChatzichristos,SimonVanEyndhoven, EleftheriosKoļ¬dis,andSabineVanHuffel
10.1 Introduction ......................................341 10.2 Whatisdatafusion?...............................342
10.2.1Contextanddeļ¬nition
10.2.2Challengesofdatafusion..
10.2.3Typesoffusionanddatafusionstrategies
10.3.3Coupledtensordecompositions
10.4 Applicationsoftensor-baseddatafusion................355 10.4.1Biomedicalapplications.......................355 10.4.2Imagefusion...............................357 10.5 FusionofEEGandfMRI:acasestudy..................358
10.6 Datafusiondemos.................................361
Conclusionandprospects
TatsuyaYokota,CesarF.Caiafa,andQibinZhao
11.1 Low-levelvisionandsignalreconstruction
11.1.1Observationmodels ..........................372
11.1.2Inverseproblems............................374
11.2 Methodsusingrawtensorstructure
Methodsusingtensorization ..........................409
11.4 Examplesoflow-levelvisionapplications...............415
11.4.1Imageinpaintingwithrawtensorstructure .........415
11.4.2Imageinpaintingusingtensorization.. ...........416
11.4.3Denoising,deblurring,andsuperresolution ........417
11.5 Remarks........................................419 Acknowledgments .................................420 References. ......................................420
CHAPTER12Tensorsforneuroimaging
....................... 427
AybĆ¼keErolandBorbĆ”laHunyadi
12.1 Introduction ......................................427
12.2 Neuroimagingmodalities ............................429
12.3 Multidimensionalityofthebrain.. ....................431
12.4 Tensordecompositionstructures.. ....................433
12.4.1Productoperationsfortensors ..................434
12.4.2Canonicalpolyadicdecomposition ...............435
12.4.3Tuckerdecomposition ........................435
12.4.4Blocktermdecomposition. ....................437
12.5 Applicationsoftensorsinneuroimaging ................437
12.5.1Fillinginmissingdata ........................438
12.5.2Denoising,artifactremoval,anddimensionality reduction ..................................441
12.5.3Segmentation...............................444
12.5.4Registrationandlongitudinalanalysis. ...........445
12.5.5Sourceseparation ...........................447
12.5.6Activityrecognitionandsourcelocalization ........451
12.5.7Connectivityanalysis .........................456
12.5.8Regression.................................462
12.5.9Featureextractionandclassiļ¬cation... ...........463
12.5.10Summaryandpracticalconsiderations. ...........468
12.6 Futurechallenges ..................................471
12.7 Conclusion ......................................472 References. ......................................473
CHAPTER13Tensorrepresentationforremotesensingimages 483
YangXu,FeiYe,BoRen,LiangfuLu,XudongCui, JocelynChanussot,andZebinWu
13.1 Introduction ......................................483
13.2 Opticalremotesensing:HSIandMSIfusion.............488
13.2.1Tensornotationsandpreliminaries...............488
13.2.2Nonlocalpatchtensorsparserepresentationfor HSI-MSIfusion.............................488
13.2.3High-ordercoupledtensorringrepresentationfor HSI-MSIfusion.............................496
13.2.4JointtensorfactorizationforHSI-MSIfusion.......504
13.3 Polarimetricsyntheticapertureradar:featureextraction.....517
13.3.1BriefdescriptionofPolSARdata................518
13.3.2Thetensorialembeddingframework.. ...........519
13.3.3Experimentandanalysis.. ....................522 References. ......................................532
CHAPTER14Structuredtensortraindecompositionforspeeding
upkernel-basedlearning ........................ 537 YassineZniyed,OuafaeKarmouda,RƩmyBoyer, JƩrƩmieBoulanger,AndrƩL.F.deAlmeida,and GƩrardFavier
14.1 Introduction ......................................538
14.2 Notationsandalgebraicbackground ....................540
14.3 Standardtensordecompositions... ....................541
14.3.1Tuckerdecomposition ........................542
14.3.2HOSVD..................................542
14.3.3TensornetworksandTTdecomposition ...........543
14.4 Dimensionalityreductionbasedonatrainoflow-ordertensors545
14.4.1TD-trainmodel:equivalencebetweenahigh-orderTD andatrainoflow-orderTDs...................546
14.5 Tensortrainalgorithm..............................548
14.5.1DescriptionoftheTT-HSVDalgorithm...........548
14.5.2Comparisonofthesequentialandthehierarchical schemes ...................................549
14.6 Kernel-basedclassiļ¬cationofhigh-ordertensors..........551
14.6.1FormulationofSVMs........................552
14.6.2PolynomialandEuclideantensor-basedkernel ......553
14.6.3KernelonaGrassmannmanifold................553
14.6.4Thefastkernelsubspaceestimationbasedontensor traindecomposition(FAKSETT)method ..........554
14.7 Experiments .....................................555
14.7.1Datasets...................................555
14.7.2Classiļ¬cationperformance. ....................557
14.8 Conclusion ......................................558 References. ......................................560
Too Much Progress for Piperock
Too Much Progress for Piperock
by W. C. Tuttle
Author of āLaw Rustlers,ā āThe Spark of Skeeter Bill,ā etc.
I never seen anything like her beforeānot alive. One time I found a piece of an old fashion magazine, and there was a picture of a female in that a female that some feller drawed; but I just figured that it was all imagination with him. I take one look at this live female and then I takes off my hat to the artist.
She said she was an artist. What in āøŗ anybody could find to draw in Yaller Rock Countyāexcept gunsāwas more than I could see. Me and āMagpieā Simpkins was down at Paradise, setting in Art Wheelerās stage, when she got on, headed for Piperock.
Art got one look at her and then jackknifed his four horses in trying to turn around and go the wrong direction. Magpie Simpkins never took his eyes off her. Magpieās old enough to know better, but he didnāt seem to. Artās eyes donāt foller the road much, with the
result that he runs a front wheel off Calamity grade and danged near sends us all to our final destination.
She said her name was Henrietta Harrison. Art pulls up for a breathing spell at Cottonwood Crick, and we stops in the shade of a tree. She looks at the big tree and then she saysā
āUnder the greenwood tree Who loves to lie with me, And tune his merry note Unto the sweet birdās throatāøŗā
āMe,ā says Magpie, kinda foolish-like.
āYou!ā snorts Art. āTune your merry note! Haw! Haw! Haw! You could ālieāøŗāā
āMebbe you could!ā says Magpie, mean-like. āBut your wife wouldnāt let yuh.ā
āSet down, you ancient he buzzards!ā I yelps. āAināt yuh got no sense?ā
āI donāt understand,ā says Henrietta.
āNobody does,ā says I, consoling her. āIf we did, weād know whether to lynch āem or send āem to the loco lodge, maāam.ā
āMagpie makes me tired,ā declares Art. āAny time he wants to tune his noteāøŗā
āItās my note, Mister Wheeler. If I want to tune my own noteāøŗā
āI was merely quoting Shakespeare,ā says the lady.
āGiddap, broncs!ā says Art Wheeler, and we rocked on into Piperock.
Iāll tell you right here and now; beauty aināt even skin deep in Piperock. Weāve got wimmin folksāthat is, some hasābut nobody ever kidnaped any of āem.
If they belonged to me Iād trust āem with any man.
Thereās Mrs. āWickā Smith, who jars the hay-scales to two hundred and seventy-five, and wheezes plentiful. Art Wheelerās better half tasted of life and found it sour, and never got the acid out of her system. Mrs. āTestamentā Tilton looks upward for guidance in
all matters except when it comes to flattering Testamentās head with a skillet. When Mrs. Pete Gonyer is in sight, Peteās voice sinks seventeen inches below a whisper. Somebody remarks one day that Peteās kinda henpecked.
āHenpecked, āøŗ!ā says Pete. āOrstrichāif there aināt nothinā bigger what wears feathers.ā
Mrs. Steele, the wife of our legal light, is six feet two inches tall, and sheās always oratinā about the sanctity of the home, whatever that is. One cinch, the prize never hands down any decisions in his own home.
Mrs. Sam Holt goes through life worrying about somebody alienating the affections of old Sam, who can barely hear himself yell, and has to eat his spuds mashed or miss the taste of āem.
Thereās the Mudgett sisters, who must āaā been the originals of the first cartoon of āMiss Democracy.ā Cupid would have to use a .30-30 if he went to work for them. Scattered around the range is a occasional female, but nothing that youād bet your money on in a beauty contest. Annie Schmidt is cooking for the Triangle outfit, but the same donāt seem to cause any of the other ranches to go short of help.
Henrietta Harrison horns into Piperock. Piperock takes a deep breath. Bad news travels fast, and it aināt long before thereās a need of another hitch-rack in Piperock. Sam Holt runs the hotelāor thought he did; but Ma Holt got one look at Henrietta and shut up the book.
āEvery room is taken,ā says she.
āWho by, Ma?ā asks old Sam.
āMe!ā
āMaāam,ā says Magpie, āI reckon mebbe Mrs. Smith will take a boarder.ā
Wick said she would. Wick locked up his store and took the valise in one hand and Henriettaās elbow in the other, kinda rubbing Magpie and me out. We sat down on the sidewalk intending to speak
unkindly to Wick when he came back, but Henrietta came back with him. Wick sets the valise down on the sidewalk.
āMa said she was goinā to have company, and wonāt have no room.ā
āThis Summer?ā asks Magpie.
āI aināt no hand to argue,ā says Wick.
Pete Gonyer comes over, and Magpie asks Pete about taking a boarder.
āYābetcha,ā says Pete. āPleasureās all mine. Mrs. Gonyerād be plumb tickled stiff. Live all your life with us, maāam.ā
Pete almost stands on his head, bowing and scraping like a ground-owl; but just then Mrs. Gonyer comes down the sidewalk, but Pete donāt see her.
āPete!ā she snaps.
āMy āøŗ!ā gasps Pete. āThe rope broke!ā
Mrs. Gonyer looks at Henrietta and then at Pete.
āI run out of horseshoes,ā says Pete. āI had to come to the store āøŗā
Pete goes on into the store and Mrs. Gonyer follows him inside.
āI must find a place to board,ā says Henrietta, kinda sad-like.
āEatinā partās easy,ā says I; ābut it begins to kinda look like yuh might have to hive up under that greenwood tree.ā
āIāll take her in before Iāll let her sleep under a tree,ā says Magpie.
āYouāll take her in?ā says I. āYou mean, weāll take her in, donāt yuh? Half of that cabin is mine.ā
āIt was my idea, Ike.ā
Just then Testament Tilton and his wife drives into town. Testament is a sanctimonious-looking old pelican. He looks at Henrietta, and his lips move, but I know they donāt move in prayer.
āMiss Harrison needs a place to stay,ā explains Magpie. āHave you folks got any extra room?ā
āBrother Magpie, we have,ā says Testament. āWe have.ā
āWhere?ā asks Mrs. Tilton.
Testament turns and looks at her kinda queer-like for a moment and then back at us.
āThatās the question,ā says Testament. āI thought we had room, but where is it?ā
āWell, get out of the wagon,ā says Mrs. Tilton, nudging Testament. āMe and you have got to do shoppinā.ā
āI think it is an insult,ā says Henrietta. āIāve half a notion to leave.ā
āIāve got a āøŗ good notion to leave with yuh,ā says Magpie.
āLetās make it a trio,ā says I.
āWhat are you insulted about?ā asks Magpie.
āI aināt so danged particular that Iād mention any one little thing.ā
āI came here to recuperate,ā sighs Henrietta. āI escaped from every one and went to one country where they would never expect to find me, and I am not welcome, it seems. I thought I might find a new theme in the wild dances of aboriginal tribes. That sort of thing is new and original, I think.ā
āI think so too,ā nods Magpie. āThey sure do dance wild around here.ā
āOften?ā
āEvery time we can find somebody what can call a quadrille. Round dances donāt go very good, ācause thereās always some woman accusinā her husband of hugginā some other manās wifeāøŗā
āI donāt mean civilized dances.ā
āNeither do I,ā agrees Magpie.
Then cometh āMuleyā Bowles, āChuckā Warner, āTelescopeā Tolliver and Henry Peck, the four disgraces of the Cross J outfit. Muley, the poet, is too fat to work. Telescope, the tall thin tenor, is too proud to work. Chuck Warner wiggles his flexible ears, lies fluently to every one, and proves an alibi every time āJay Birdā Whittaker, his boss, tries to make him work. Henry Peck has kind of a dumb way of going through life, and plays a banjo.
They sees us and donāt lose no time getting off their broncs and investigating. Muley takes a look at Henrietta and swallers real hard.
Telescope stumbles over Chuckās foot and almost falls into her.
āWill you introduce me?ā asks Henrietta.
āWellām,ā says Magpie, āMiss Harrison, I makes yuh used to Muley, Telescope, Chuck ānā Hen. Theyāre jist common or ordinary cowpunchers. Cowboys, meet Miss Harrison, a artist.ā
āTā meetcha,ā says Telescope. āMr. Simpkins misinformed yuh, maāam. My name is Tolliverāone of the Kentucky Tollivers, maāam.ā
āOh!ā says she.
āIām named Bowles,ā wheezes Muley. āOne of the Oklahoma Bowles.ā
āHis paw was a famous man,ā says Chuck. āHeād āaā been greater, but the posse roped him just short of the State line. Iām named Warner a name made great by some doctor who built a patent medicine. Pleased to meetcha.ā
āSpeak up for yourself, Hen,ā urges Magpie. āTell the lady about yourself.ā
āIām named Peck,ā says Hen. āI canāt think of any smart thing to say today.ā
āI am Miss Harrison. For a reason,ā says she, āI am incognito.ā
āMy āøŗ!ā gasps Telescope. āIs that so? I used to know a family of that name. They was Eyetaliansāor Mexicans. Good family though.ā
āI detest a nomdeplume,ā says she, smiling.
āMe, too,ā agrees Muley. āI never had one, but the looks of one was a plenty for me.ā
āThe lady canāt find a place to live,ā says Magpie. āNobody is willinā to sleep her.ā
They lets this soak in, and then Telescope saysā
āWhatās the matter with her?ā
āNobody got any room.ā
āMy trunks will be here tomorrow,ā says she.
āFemale drummer?ā asks Hen.
āI?ā says the lady, kinda dignified-like. āI am an arteest.ā
āOhāyeah. Kinda like what, maāam? Do yuh paint?ā
āI dance.ā
āBy cripes!ā grunts Muley. āWeāll give a dance.ā
āI I am an interpretive dancer,ā she explains.
āOh, yeah,ā nods Telescope. āI see.ā
āYouāre a kindly liar,ā says Chuck, ābecause you donāt see nothinā. Maāam, Iām plumb ignorant of the word you used.ā
āWhyāIāerādo nature dances, donāt you know?ā
āNature? Oh, yeah.ā
āOh, yeah,ā mimics Hen. āYou see just like Telescope did, Chuck.ā
āIāerāreally, I do not believe I can explain it to you,ā says she. āUnless you have seen one done, it is difficult for the lay mind to graspāøŗā
āThatās a word Iāve been tryinā to get for years,ā says Magpie. āEvery time Iāve looked at this Cross J bunch Iāve tried to think of a word to describe their mentality. I thanks yuh for the word ālay mind,ā maāam. Them four snake-hunters sure have that kinda minds.ā
āIt aināt the hoochieāā begins Hen.
āIt aināt!ā yelps Telescope. āThe lady never said nothinā about muscles. Henry, your horns are gettinā too long.ā
āClip āem, cowboy,ā challenges Hen. āStart clippinā and see which one of us gets dehorned first. Youāve got a pretty fair spread yourself. If the lady donāt do that kinda dances itās her lookout, aināt it? Yuh donāt need to whoop about it. I noticed yuh down at Silver Bend at the circusāøŗā
āNow have a little sense,ā advises Magpie. āYou pelicans are too danged anxious to show off before the lady. You fellers spillinā lead up and down the street aināt gettinā her a place to lay her head, is it?ā
āIf she only wants to lay her headāā begins Chuck; but Muley steps on Chuckās ankle and shoves him aside.
āMaāam, I apologizes for my friends. They mean well, but they aināt got no sense. Now, it appears to me that you are lookinā for a place to sleep.ā
āIt took that idea a long time to appear to you, Muley,ā says Magpie. āJist in what shape did you get this here bright vision? I donāt think that Piperock needs any assistance from the Cross J cowoutfit when it comes to housinā our guests. Iāll take care of Miss Harrison, yābetcha.ā
āCanāt she get a room at Sam Holtās place?ā asks Chuck, seriouslike.
āMa Holt,ā says Magpie, winking at Chuck; āMa Holt says that every room is full.ā
Chuck wiggles his ears at Magpie and then looks over toward the hotel. Then he grins and says:
āYou wait, will yuh? I sabethe cure for that.ā
Chuck goes over to the hotel, and in a few minutes him and old Sam comes over to us. Old Sam saysā
āMaāam, weāve got a vacancy and can sleep yuh fine.ā
Chuck grabs her valise, and him and the lady and old Sam beats it for the hotel.
āNow, what in āøŗ did Chuck do to cause such a condition?ā wonders Magpie.
āChuck lied,ā declares Muley. āThe son-of-a-gun lied; but what did he lie about?ā
Naturally none of us knowed, so we went over to Buckās place and had a drink. We waited around for Chuck, but he didnāt show up; so me and Magpie went home. I said āhome,ā but it wasnāt home any more. Magpie got dissatisfied right away.
āHawg-pen,ā says he. āAnybody could tell that hawgs lived here. Lawd never intended for men to live alone this away.ā
āYou living alone?ā I asks.
āYou donāt count, Ike. A man like me kinda pines for the soft things of life.ā
āMush?ā
āMush! Naw-w-w! Always thinkinā of your belly, Ike. A woman donāt mean nothinā to you.ā
āI donāt mean nothinā to her, Magpie; so itās fifty-fifty. Have you gone and fell into love again? Why, you danged old gray-backed pack-rat!ā
āAge aināt no barrier to happiness, Ike. It aināt kind of you to point out a manās failinās thataway. Love knows no barriers.ā
āNor nothinā else, Magpie.ā
Magpie Simpkins is about six feet and a half in his socks, and heās built on the principle of the thinnest line between two points. Heās just got hips enough to hold up his cartridge-beltāif heās careful. His face is long and his mustaches look plumb exhausted from just hanging down past his mouth. His mind is full of odds and ends that never fit into anything.
A ordinary man in love can be handled, but Magpie aināt ordinary. Love is quicksand and no help in sight to that hombre. Iāve herded him past several affairs of the heart, liver, and lungs, but each time the attack is harder. The D. Tās are a cinch beside what that pelican suffers when the little fat god of love stings him with a poisoned arrow.
Mostly always I hangs a extra gun to my belt and fills my pockets with rocks. Listen to reason? Say, that fellerās ears donāt hear nothinā but ālove, honor and obeyāāthat, and the church bells ringing.
I went to bed that night, leaving him setting on the steps, talking to himself about the gentle touch of a womanās hand. I asked him if he remembered the one what ātouchedā him in Great Falls. There wasnāt anything gentle about that one, being as she took his watch and three hundred dollars. That was another case of love at first sight, and then he went blind.
As I said before, bad news travels fast. The next day is Sunday, but that aināt no excuse for every puncher from Silver Bend to Yaller Horse to come to Piperock. I donāt think that the Cross J bunch went home Saturday night.
Sam Holt never sold so many breakfasts before in his life. Some of them hair-pant specimens ate two or three times. Muley Bowles comes back to Buckās place with his belt in his hand, and groans
when he tells me that he thinks he got ptomaine poisoning for breakfast.
āYou done et three orders of ham and aigs,ā says Hen.
āYou say āham and aigsā to me again and Iāll massacree yuh, Hen.ā
Magpie comes back from breakfast and acts kinda sad-like.
After everybody is back from breakfast, old Sam Holt shows up. The bunch kinda crowds around him.
āI has to come away,ā informs Sam. āMaās goinā tā feed the strange lady, and she wonāt allow nobody in the dininā-room.ā
āWonāt allow nobody in the dininā-room?ā parrots Telescope.
āShe has her orders,ā grins Sam. āOnly one man is allowed to see her.ā
āOne man?ā asks Magpie. āSam, who is that there man?ā
āWhy, Chuck Warner, of course.ā
āChuck Warner, of course,ā nods Magpie, like a man talking in his sleep.
āChuck Warner,ā wheezes Muley. āOf course.ā
āOf course,ā says Telescope. āChuck Warner.ā
Then we sets around and looks at each other.
āChuck Warner?ā says Hen, like he was trying to remember somebody by that name.
āWorks for the Cross J outfit,ā says I. āKind of handsome hombre. You must remember him, men.ā
āOh-o-o-oh, yeah,ā nods Telescope, fussing with his gun. āChuck Warner.ā
Magpie gets up, yawns and walks slow-like out of the door. Art Miller kinda saunters out, and then Telescope seems to desire fresh air. Muley kinda groans and starts to get up, but them three orders of ham and aigs has sort of depressed him, and he sinks back into his chair.
He takes out a piece of paper and a pencil and begins to write. Youāve got to hand it to Muley when it comes to poetry. In about
fifteen minutes Magpie, Telescope and Art drifts back, and the three of āem lines up at the bar.
āHereās hopinā he breaks a leg,ā says Magpie.
āOr splits a hoof,ā adds Art.
āWho yuh wishinā all such luck to?ā asks Hen.
āChuck Warner,ā says Telescope. āHeāsāMa Holt wouldnāt let us in, but we peeked in the winder and seen Chuck dancinā a war-dance for the lady.ā
āIāll dance for her!ā says Muley. āIāll dance Chuckās scalp for her. Why wonāt Mrs. Holt let anybody in?ā
āSheās got her orders,ā says old Sam.
Just then āSceneryā Sims, the sheriff, comes in. Scenery is a squeaky little runt, and suspicious of everything and everybody. Magpie gets right up, takes Scenery by the arm and leads him outside.
āNow,ā says Telescope, āwhat kind of a frame-up has Magpie got under his hair?ā
We hears Scenery say
āAw-w-w, is that a fact, Magpie?ā
Magpie nods and jerks his head toward Holtās place. Scenery nods, and they starts for the hotel, with me and Telescope, Art, Muley, Hen, āHalf-Mileā Smith, āDoughgodā Smith, āTelluriumā Woods, āMightyā Jones and Pete Gonyer.
Magpie leads Scenery to a window of the dining-room, and they both peers in. Scenery looks at Magpie, kinda queer-like and nods his head. Then he tries to go in the door, but itās locked. Mrs. Holt comes to the door and scowls at Scenery.
āYou canāt come in,ā says she, and starts to shut the door; but Scenery shoves a foot inside and blocks it.
āMrs. Holt,ā squeaks Scenery, āyoāre defyinā the law. Actinā thataway puts yuh liable for contempt of court.ā
āWell,ā says she, kinda dubious-like, āmebbe thatās so, Scenery. Iāll let you in, but the rest of you snake-huntersāll have to stay outside.ā
āWe bows to superior intelligence, maāam,ā says Magpie.
In about a minute here comes Chuck Warner with his hands in the air, and behind him marches Scenery with a gun poked into Chuckās back. Chuck looks at us and saysā
āWhatās the matter with this āøŗ fool?ā
āHead for the jail!ā squeaks Scenery. āHead for the jail!ā
āYouāre crazy!ā wails Chuck.
āAll right, all right,ā squeaks Scenery. āWeāve both headed thā same way.ā
Henrietta Harrison comes to the door, but Mrs. Holt shoves her back inside and shuts the door.
āPoor Chuck,ā says Magpie. āPoor Chuck.ā
āPoor, āøŗ!ā howls Chuck. āIām goinā to kill somebody for this.ā
āGettinā violent, Scenery,ā says Magpie. āDonāt take a chance.ā
āIāll handle him, Magpie. Point for the jail, you scalp-dancinā idjit.ā
Chuck took one look at us, and then headed for the jail, with Scenery trottinā along after him.
We all went back to the saloon. Pretty soon Scenery comes from the jail, and heās got a beautiful black eye where Chuck walloped him. Scenery is peeved. Old Judge Steele shows up, kinda ponderous-like, and Scenery explains the whole thing as far as he knows.
āLoco parenthesis,ā says the judge. āReverted to sex. I always knowed there was aboriginal corpuscles in his arterial system. He is noncomposmentis.ā
āLignumvitƦ,ā nods Magpie.
āExactly,ā says the judge. āYou stated the case, Magpie. Who is the lady in the case?ā
āNameās Incognito,ā says Telescope. āIncognity, aliasHarrison.ā
āHah!ā says the judge, serious-like. āThis will need finesse. I shall go over to the hotel and have speech with the maid.ā
I reckon he got in in the name of the law, too, but anyway he got in. Me and Muley went out and sat on the sidewalk, when here comes Mrs. Steele and Mrs. Wick Smith.
āHave you seen anything of the judge?ā asks Mrs. Steele.
āYeah,ā nods Muley. āHe went over to Holtās to see a lady.ā
āOh!ā says Mrs. Steele, looking at Mrs. Smith.
āMen,ā says Mrs. Smith, āmen are considerable alike, and a judge aināt no different than the rest.ā
āThat old cormorant?ā explodes Mrs. Steele. āThe only difference isāheās worse.ā
āWeāve got to unite,ā says Mrs. Smith. āA united front must be showed. Letās go and talk to Mrs. Tilton before Testament falls from grace.ā
They toddles up the street, headed for Tiltonās place. But Old Testament wasnāt home. I reckon he was kinda snooping around, ācause he comes out from behind Pete Gonyerās blacksmith shop and walks up to us.
āWhat was them womin talkinā about, Brother Ike?ā he asks.
āTheyāve gone up to hold a war-talk with your wife, Testament. Appears that thereās a united conspiracy against the lady what come yesterday. Theyāve gone to warn your wife, I reckon.ā
āLoveās laborās lost,ā says Testament, sad-like. āShe donāt need warninā. Where is said lady?ā
āHer and Judge Steele are holdinā a conference over in Holtās place. Yuh might go over and add your spiritual presence, Testament,ā says Muley.
āI might,ā nods Testament. āIām sure ready and willinā to pass spiritual advice. A man of spiritual knowledge is always needed.ā
Testamentās last words were kinda faint, as he was hittinā the trail to Holtās front door.
āPaw,ā says Muley, sad-like, āPaw wanted me to study for the ministry. Seems like a minister can git into places where a cowpuncher canāt.ā
Mrs. Holt met him at the door and let him in. Pretty soon we sees Mrs. Steele, Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Gonyer, Mrs. Wheeler and Mrs. Tilton. They comes down the sidewalk toward us. Me and Muley starts to go into the saloon, but Mrs. Tilton yelps at usā
āHenry Peck, do you know where my husband is?ā
āHeāheās givinā spiritual advice to a lady,ā says Muley.
āI suppose Pete Gonyer is measurinā her for a pair of horseshoes,ā says Mrs. Gonyer, mean-like.
āAnd maybe Wick is tryinā to sell her a bill of groceries,ā says Mrs. Smith.
āI seen Art curryinā his horses,ā states Mrs. Wheeler. āHe aināt curried one of āem since he owned them four horsesāand he greased his boots this morninā.ā
āHere comes Mrs. Holt,ā says Mrs. Steele. āMebbe she brings news.ā
Mrs. Holt was all out of breath, and them women didnāt seem inclined to let her get any of it back. Magpie and Telescope comes out of the saloon and moves in close.
āI hopes to die!ā gasps Mrs. Holt. āI hopes to die!ā
āYouāre got a cinch,ā says Telescope. āWe all have to.ā
Them females gives Telescope one gosh-awful look, and then surrounds Mrs. Holt, who gasps out her story.
āSheāsheās dancinā for Testament and the judgeābarefooted!ā
āNo!ā declares five female voices at once.
āYes! Her and the judge has a long talk and I heard āem. She tells him that Piperock donāt appreciate art.ā
āMy Art?ā asks Mrs. Wheeler.
āI donāt know. Lemme talk, will you? The judge said he longed for the day when Piperock would become the greatest place on earth, and he said she had a good start right now. This here female opines that weāre fifty years behind the times. She asks him why folks donāt wake up around here. The judge says theyāre just waitinā for the right person to come along and set the alarm. She says sheās the greatest dancer in the world.
āShe wants to show off, but the judge says that all Piperock aināt as intelligent as he is and mebbe theyād not see things in the right light.
āThen Testament Tilton comes in. The judge introduces them two, and explains about her beinā the greatest dancer on earth. Testament Tilton says heās originally from Missouri. Then he laughed like a danged hy-e-ner. I donāt like to say that about a preacher, but āøŗā
āSpeak your mind, sister,ā says Mrs. Tilton. āI like your description.ā
āWell,ā continues Mrs. Holt, āI had to go away for a few minutes, but when I got my eye to the crack of that door again I hears the judge sayināā
āāTestament, I reckon the rest of the country will kinda set up when we lets āem know that Piperock is going to exhibit the greatest dancer in the whole danged world, eh?ā
āThen Testament says:
āāBrother Steele, youāve said a lot in them few lines. Your idea of givinā this under the auspices of my church is goinā to make a hit with the womin folks. That takes the curse off.ā
āJust then this here female shows upābarefooted.ā
Mrs. Holt stops for breath.
āCan she dance? asks Mrs. Smith, wheezinā quite a lot.
āWellāā Mrs. Holt looks around at us, and swallers real hard āāwellāMrs. Smith, I reckon we better go over to your house to tell the rest of it.ā
They went across the street like they was afraid theyād get wet.
āIāll never eat another meal in Sam Holtās place again,ā declares Muley. āIāll get even with her by boycottinā her husband.ā
āIām goinā home,ā says I. āThe peace and quiet of Piperock is about null and void, and I need solitary communion with my pet hunch. Somethinā tells me that all is not well. In fact somethinā tells me that all is not only not well, but in danged delicate health.ā
Nobody can read Piperockās mind, but Iāve seen disaster come and go, and my personal prognostications are about on a par with a weather man prophesyinā fair and warm in Death Valley.
Iām cookinā supper when Magpie shows up, and the blasted idiot is grinning from ear to ear. He pours coffee over his potatoes and puts sugar on his bacon and then begins to talk.
āThe rhythm,ā says he, āthe rhythm of nature is a wonderful thing, Ike.ā
āYes,ā says I. āIt must be.ā
āThe breeze of Spring; the waving of the branches of a tree. True poetry, Ike. The human form divine is the only thing capable of expressinā these here e-motions.ā
I takes out my gun and puts it beside my plate.
āMagpie, thereās a curse on you, and you might as well spill it all now. Iām not interested a danged bit, but any old time you starts out bobbinā from flower to flower I knows whatās cominā. Spread your hand.ā
Magpie smiles at me and then shoves back from the table.
āIke, hereās where we jump fifty years ahead of Paradise and Curlew. We has hung to the old order of things too long. We has become moth-eaten and stale. Donāt yuh know we have?ā
āAnything wouldāhung up for fifty years, Magpie.ā
āWe still dance quadrilles and waltzes, the same of which went out of style with flint-lock muskets. Now, we sheds the scales off our eyes and comes out of our shells into the dawn of a brighter day. Piperock entereth a reign of classical dancing, Ike.
āMiss Harrison is goinā to elevate us, but we have to give her our able assistance. There seems to be a female sentiment against her here; but thatās plumb natural, beinā as weāre in a rut and donāt know no better. Judge Steele and Testament Tilton has seen her dance. Them two are real progressive, Ike, and they sees the possibilities.
āTestament Tilton says itās got anythinā beat he ever seen, and heās had his eyes open for sixty-six years. Miss Harrison says sheāll teach Piperock the rhythm of motion and then give a show for the benefit of the church. Sheās gotta have a class of five to start with, and after them five has learned all about it they can each take a class of five. See how itās done?ā
āHas she picked her class?ā
āI picked āem for her, Ike. She kinda leans on me.ā
āMight better āaā picked a fish-pole. Whoād you pick?ā
āMe and Pete and Wick Smith and Art Wheeler and you.ā
āI aināt ripe,ā says I. āYou better put me back on the tree.ā
āShe wanted you, Ike. Mentioned you right off the reel. Said she wanted a representative group. Well, I got āem, didnāt I? Everybody wanted to help, but five was all we could use.ā
āIs Chuck still in jail?ā
āNope, Chuckās mad. Yuh see, he told Mrs. Holt that him and Miss Harrison was goinā to get married, and he wanted Mrs. Holt to take care of her and see that none of the men came near her. Chuck was showinā her some Injun dances, and it was a good chance to get even with him for lyinā all the time. Mrs. Holt was willinā to take her in, beinā as she was to marry Chuck.
āTestament has talked Mrs. Holt into keepinā her until this here church benefit is over. Itās goinā to be a e-leet affair, Iāll tell a man. Nothinā like it has ever been thought about before, Ike. This is one time when Piperock shines as a social center and abolishes her rough career.ā
When it comes to dancing I sure have always shook a wicked hoof, but this kinda stuff had me hoppled. You take two or three little running steps ahead, stop and wave your arms in the air, and kick out behind like a mule. Then you duck to one side, whirl around, lift up your arms again and go hippety-hopping around the place, kinda singingā
āTra-la-laā, tra-la-la, la, la.ā
That represents a little zephyr of Spring, you understand. There was five little zephyrs in our Spring. We zephyred around and around. Miss Harrison said we was getting the idea. Then she had us zephyr alone, while the other four little breezes set down and made smart remarks. There was considerable feeling aroused during this lesson.
Five little zephyrs took her back to the hotel, and then one little zephyr went home and packed up his burro. That one little zephyr had a vision of a big blow coming and wanted to get out of the road.
Magpie tried to plead with us, but me and the mule remained firm. Magpieās voice was full of tears, but I shook my head, packed my jassack and went to live a while with āDirty Shirtā Jones, who lives several miles away from the center of disturbance.
Dirty Shirt aināt neither sane nor sanitary, but he appreciates me a heap. Dirty is cockeyed, but he believes in handing you bokays while you are yet in the land of the living and not waiting until you are ready for your weight of sand.
Dirty squints at me and says:
āI know youād show up, Ike. Itās about time for Piperock to make a fool of itself again. Whatās itchinā the old town this time?ā
āInterpretive dancing.ā
āOh yeah. I donāt know what in āøŗ that is, Ike; but it sounds like Piperock might adopt it. Magpieās the ring-leader, aināt he? Sure.ā
Dirty knows Piperock as well as I do. For a week I helped him on a copper prospect, and not a word of Piperockās doings percolated into our happy home.
Then Dirty got dry. When Dirty Shirt gets dry there aināt nothing short of sudden death will stop him this side of Buck Mastersonās place.
Therefore we packs our burros and pilgrims to the city of Baal, as Testament calls it every Sunday. Testament has just got two sermons. One is on temperance and the other is on the evils of strong drink.
We has to pass Mighty Jonesā place on our way in, and we finds Mighty settinā on his wood-pile, playing with a coyote pup. He squints at us.
āGoinā to Piperock?ā
I admits our ultimate destination.
āBetter go home. Testament Tilton says that Piperock is goinā to run a dead heat with Sodom and Gomorrah, whatever pair of horses them two is.ā
āWhatās the matter with Piperock?ā asks Dirty.
Mighty hitches up his pants and spits very expressive-like.
āHigh-toned. Yessir, Piperock is gettinā uppityāpart of āem, and the rest are packinā two guns per each. Tonight means trouble in that town, yābetcha.ā
āTonight? Why tonight, Mighty?ā
āSocial affair tonight, thatās why. Two dollars per ticket, and not a gun allowed into the hall. Iāve got a ticket, which Iāll sell yuh.ā
āGoinā to save my money for caātridges,ā grunts Dirty, and we pilgrims on.
We went right down the street of Piperock, looking neither to the right nor left, and heads straight for Magpieās cabin. Looking into the open door we sees Magpie bending over the cook-stove, frying meat.
āKlahowya,ā says Dirty.
Magpie drops the pan on the floor and whirls with a gun in each hand.
āDancing makes you jumpy?ā I asks.
Magpie shoves his guns back inside the waistband of his pants, kicks the hunk of meat into the skillet and turns back to the stove.
āHowās Miss Harrison?ā I asks.
Magpie turns and squints at me.
āSheās gone, Ike.ā
āDe-mised?ā
āDe-parted.ā
āKinda busts up the show, donāt it, Magpie?ā
āLike āøŗ it does!ā
āHow comes she to de-part thataway?ā asks Dirty.
Magpie flops the meat and sets it on the back of the stove. Then he sets down on a bunk and combs his mustache.
āYou aināt heard, have yuh, Ike? No. Well, hereās the how of it all. You left hereabout the time that all the married womin are faunchinā around, organizinā a vigilance committee to hang their own husbands, didnāt yuh? Well, Wick and Pete and Old Testament and
Art Wheeler and Judge Steele decides that Piperock and posterity needs āem more than jealous wives do, so they up and orates that for thā interests of the furtherance of Piperock theyāre goinā to stick to their original idea of learning the latest thing in dances.
āThem womin combines against such proceedings, and locks their doors against said husbands, with the result that we puts up bunks in the Mint Hall for all them errant husbands. Miss Harrison hangs on to her room at the hotel and Mrs. Holt enlists with the belligerent wives and hives up at Judge Steeleās.
āInside of three days them husbands are plumb anxious to go to their wives, but wifie has nailed the front door shut. Them there dancinā lessons has improved us wonderful, Ike. I gets old Sam Holt to dance in your place.
āThen we finds out somethinā.
āJudge Steele goes sneakinā around home late at night after our lessons, and he peeks under the curtains in his house, and he sees Miss Harrison teachinā them womin to dance, and the judge swears that they aināt got enough clothes on to flag a hand-car.
āThe judge so forgets himself that he raps on the window, and he gets a lot of bird-shot sprayed into the seat of his pants.
āMiss Harrison has double-crossed us, and the next night we chides her about it. She gets kinda woolly and informs us that the ladies invited her to teach them so they could do their part in the performance. She was teachinā āem the āDance of the Raindrops.ā
āāMy āøŗ!ā grunts Wick. āMy wife aināt no raindrop.ā
āāI aināt goinā to permit Mrs. Tilton to appear in no mosquito nettinā and bare feetānot in public,ā declares Testament.
āThings got kinda deadlocked, Ike. The tickets are all sold for the performance, and the church realizes over two hundred dollars. Me and the judge goes as a committee to confer with Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Tilton, and they refuses to arbitrate. They opines that whatās good enough for their husbands is good enough for them. Mrs. Tilton says:
āIf Testament can wear a gee-string and imitate a willer-tree, why canāt I wear a porous-knit undershirt and imitate a drop of rain?ā
āWhat could we do? We went back and held a council of war. Pete said heād be āøŗ if his wife was goinā to be a spectacle. They all declared that they wasnāt goinā to let the world at large gaze upon their property in the rough. Miss Harrison declares that it must go through. There yuh are, Ike.
āMiss Harrison was taken to Paradise this morning and was put aboard the train. Art Wheeler drove the stage, and Pete Gonyer, Judge Steele and Testament Tilton acted as shotgun guards. Our premier dancer has went.ā
āWhich busts up the show, eh?ā says Dirty.
āNot while Magpie Simpkins roams the plains, it donāt. Piperock is goinā to get a look at interpretive dancinā, yābetcha. How much civic pride has you two snake-hunters got?ā
Me and Dirty donāt say a word, being as we donāt sabehis wauwau. Then he hauls out a jug of pain-killer and we sets down to do homage.
After all danger from drought is a long time past, Magpie points out the duty of a real honest-to-grandma citizen. He orates openly that the future of a city is only as broad as the inhabitants will allow. He asks Dirty Shirt if his views are narrow.
āWide as the ocean, and begginā to expand,ā says Dirty.
āIām the widest human beinā yuh ever seen, Magpie. Dog-gone me if I aināt wider than anythinā anybody ever seen. How about you, Ike?ā
āIāve got you skinned about four ways from the jack,ā says I, and somehow I believed it.
Magpie got in between us and took Dirtyās gun away from him.
āKillinā aināt expansion,ā explains Magpie. āPiperock has entertained too many times in the interests of the undertaker. Piperock is so far behind the times that the seventeenth generation of Montanaās human race has started and finished and weāre still runninā the wrong way of the track.ā
āAre we that far behind the rest of the world?ā asks Dirty, tearfullike.
āFurther,ā assures Magpie.
āThen letās be up and doinā,ā urges Dirty. āMy āøŗ, I never realized that we was runninā in the dust. How does we start in to speed up the old buggy?ā
āI,ā says Magpie, āI am the little jigger who is goinā to lead Piperock to thā promised land. I am the pelican which is goinā to make Piperock a place of honor and glory and a social center. I has been throwed down by the best citizens, you know it? Puttinā their personal feelinās ahead of the best interests of the city, they has laid down upon their labors, willinā to let poor old Piperock slumber and waller in the dust of decay; but the womin can see what it means to the city, and theyāre firm as rocks. I have got one of the best dances yuh ever seen, gents.
āThe ordinary poetry of motion is the weavinās of a drunken Siwash with a sprained ankle beside this here dance of mine. Miss Harrison said it had anythinā beat she ever seen.ā
āDo yuh have music for this kind of dancinā?ā asks Dirty.
āWell, kinda,ā assures Magpie. āFrenchy Deschampsā jewās-harp and Bill Thatcher on his wind-pipe. Bill bought it a short time ago. Said that ever time he got a bull-fiddle busted it cost him ten dollars for a new one; so he buys him a wind-pipe. If anybody shoots holes in that thing he can patch it up.ā
āThatās a new instrument on me,ā says Dirty.
āThatās it,ā says Magpie. āWeāre so far behind the times, Dirty, that we donāt recognize things that the rest of the world has been usinā for years.ā
āMy āøŗ!ā wails Dirty. āThis is awful, Magpie. Iām grateful to yuh for callinā my attention to same. Aināt you grateful, Ike?ā
āRemains to be seen, as the feller said when he dug into a Injun grave.ā
āIkeās grateful,ā says Magpie. āIkeās the gratefulest human beinā on earth.ā
āThat aināt no ways true,ā objects Dirty. āIām the most gratefulest.ā
I gets between Magpie and Dirty and makes āem put up their guns. Then we all took a last look at the inside bottom of the jug of
pain-killer.
Piperock appreciates art, there aināt no question about that. Thereās fellers in town for this social event that aināt been outside their dug-outs since the big blow. Plain and fancy horse-thieves, unsuccessful rustlers, hairy old shepherds that says āYa-a-a-ssā and āNo-o-o-o,ā just like a sheep, and others too numerous and orānary to mention.
Scenery Sims is setting in front of the Mint Hall with a sawed-off shotgun on his lap, but he lets us in.
āHow does she look, Scenery?ā asks Magpie.
āWell,ā squeaks Scenery, āeverythinā is all right so far, but them exdancers is all back from Paradise. The women is all up there in the hall now. Bill Thatcher is drunkerān seven hundred dollars, and somebody has hit Frenchy in the mouth and kinda crippled his part of the orchestra. Shouldnāt be sāprized if thereād be buzzards circlinā Piperock in the morninā.ā
We went up into the hall, which is all fixed up for the social doings. Theyāve got the stage all curtained off and the room is full of chairs. Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Tilton, Mrs. Gonyer, Mrs. Holt, Mrs. Wheeler and Mrs. Steele are there. Magpie leads me and Dirty up to the stage and in behind the curtain.
āMy āøŗ!ā gasps Dirty. Sheep!ā
āThereās four sheep tied up back thereāall rams.ā
āSheepāyes,ā agrees Magpie. āThem is what Miss Harrison calls āatmosphere.āā
āAtāøŗ Oh, my!ā gasps Dirty. āWhatās she mean, Magpie?ā
āAccessories to my dance,ā explains Magpie. āIām the star performer in āThe Shepherdās Awakening.āā
āWhat do we do?ā asks Dirty.
āYou fellers are fauns.ā
āIām the old buck deerāme,ā declares Dirty. āYouāre more cockeyed than me, Magpie, if you can see me with four spindle legs and a spotted hide.ā
āA faun,ā says Magpie, āa faun is a thing that looks like a human beinā, but aināt. It wears skin pants, but from there on up itās plumb nude. On its head is little horns, and itās got a tail like a goat. It plays a tune on a wooden whistle.ā
Me and Dirty looks at each other, kinda foolish-like.
āI think itās lovely of you two gentlemen to step in the breach,ā says Mrs. Tilton.
āStep in theāohā!ā croaks Dirty, wild-eyed. āThis is terrible!ā
āIt will be a big thing for Piperock,ā says Mrs. Gonyer, āand it will teach the male sex that the women are the real progressives. Donāt you think so, Mr. Harper?ā
āThereās goinā to be a lesson taught,ā says I. āExperience is a great teacher, but I aināt never learned much. I thought I was wise, but I finds thatā Well, I aināt never wore a tail like a goat and blowed on a wooden whistle yet.ā
āI hope that Testamentās skin pants will fit Mr. Harper,ā says Mrs. Tilton. āMr. Harper is a little wider across than the Reverend.ā
āMr. Jones will be a little snug in Samās,ā opines Mrs. Holt, ābut he donāt have to do only one little dance.ā
Dirtyās bad eye rolls a complete circle and then stops with a dead center on the tip of his nose. He grabs me by the arm and flops down in a chair.
āIke,ā he gasps, āIke, shoot me while there is yet time.ā
āShoot yourselfāyouāve got a gun,ā says I.
āI know it, bubābut Iām so nervous Iād miss.ā
Dirty just sits there and sweats.
āThem sheepāhas they been trained?ā I asks.
āTheyāve been here two days,ā says Magpie. āThey ought to be used to the stage.ā
Sudden-like we hears a crash down-stairs, the sound of loud voices raised in anger, and then up the stairs comes Judge Steele, Wick Smith, Pete Gonyer, Art Wheeler and Sam Holt. Theyāve got Scenery Sims in their clutches, and heās squeaking like a rusty gate.
They files into the door, and Magpie greets āem with a gun in each hand.
āCome ye in anger?ā asks Magpie.
āKinda,ā admits Pete. āThis whangdoodle tried to stop us.ā
āPut your hands up!ā snaps Magpie, and the whole gang reach upward. āTake their guns away, Scenery.ā
āNow,ā says Magpie, āwhatās eatinā you backsliders?ā
āMa-a-a,ā wails Testament. āYou aināt aiminā to carry out your threat, are ye?ā
āIām goinā to danceāif thatās what you mean,ā says Mrs. Tilton, mean-like.
āArabellie, does you mean that you womināā begins Wick.
āWick Smith, you started this,ā says Mrs. Smith. āYou told me I was narrer. You said I was fifty years behind the times, didnāt you?ā
āThat āøŗ Magpie Simpkins put them words in my mouth, Arabellie.ā
āI wonāt stand for it!ā yelps Pete. āNo woman of mine canāøŗā
āPete, you shut your face!ā whoops Mrs. Gonyer. āIf you donāt want to see me imitate a raindropāvamoose. I sure am goinā to rattle on the roof.ā
āIāll git out a injunction,ā says Judge Steele. āBy mighty, Iāll declare it a public nuisance! Iāll stop this hereāøŗā
āYouāll set down and keep your face shut,ā says Magpie. āYou five pelicans are goinā to set right down and look and listen. Has you all got tickets?ā
None of āem has bought a ticket, and they opines they wonāt.
āScenery,ā says Magpie, ātake two dollars from each of āem.ā
Them five arose up an yelped like a pack of wolves, but Scenery got ten dollars out of the bunch, and then we made āem take front seats.
We hears some gosh-awful sounds coming up the stairs, and into the door comes Bill Thatcher. Heās got one of them Scotch wind-pipe instruments and itās wailing like a lost soul. Behind him comes Frenchy Deschamps. Neither of āem are in any shape to make music
