CATELYN MEADOWS
ForBrielle Youarethemostestgirl.
Triumphal arch, that fill’st the sky
When storms prepare to part, I ask not proud Philosophy To teach me what thou art; — Still seem; as to my childhood’s sight, A midway station given For happy spirits to alight Betwixt the earth and heaven…
-THOMAS CAMPBELL, TO THE RAINBOW
Chapter One
Ididn’t eavesdrop on purpose, but when you’re sharing the same house with other people, someone is bound to overhear things they shouldn’t. And that someone would be me.
“He’s having a hard time in such a confined space,” Luke said. He and Belle were in the room next to the one my kids and I were sharing at Belle’s farmhouse a few miles outside Bridgewater. In a house with seven bedrooms, Belle had enough room here that we could each live in the same house yet have our separate space, but change is hard for kids—heck, it was hard for me. I was glad they didn’t ostracize us while we were living here.
“What are you getting at?” Belle’s voice was soft but insistent.
I should have closed the door or walked past Belle’s room across from mine, so they knew I was close by, but I suspected they were talking about Luke’s brother, Dawson. Though I’d never met the man, I couldn’t help feeling concerned for him too.
With the horse kicking his head the way it had, it was a wonder the cowboy was still alive. It’d been several months since the rodeo accident, but he was still having a rough time of it.
“What do you think about Daws coming here for the rest of his recovery?” Luke said.
Even if I were in the room, the answer wouldn’t be up to me, but I still shook my head. Whether I felt sympathetic for the cowboy who’d been injured during his rodeo last fall or not, my kids and I already took up enough of Belle’s farmhouse. She didn’t need another person here invading her privacy.
Just because that person was male didn’t matter in the slightest.
“I can’t see that it’d be all that relaxing for him,” Belle said circumspectly. “Bex’s kids are well-behaved, but they’re still kids.”
“We can ask if it’ll bother him. Dawson loves kids.”
I hesitated. This was probably the time to interrupt.
“Luke.” Silence followed Belle’s gentle mention of his name. From the steps that filled it, I imagined Belle edging closer to her boyfriend-slash-farmhand. “I know you think it’s best because this house is where you healed, and you want to share that with him, but the situation won’t be the same, especially since we’re fixing things up. Recovering in what is essentially a construction zone is going to be so noisy.”
“That’s it, though,” Luke said. “It’ll be best for his brain and good for him to have a purpose. He wants to get a job, but moving’s still hard. He needs room to do more without being on the clock. He wants to help and see how much he can handle.”
They talked like a married couple—in fact, their communication was better than Rock’s and mine ever was—but Luke and Belle had only been dating since Belle inherited this house six months ago. Luke hadn’t even sneezed the word “marriage,” and I couldn’t figure out what was holding him back.
“I’ll think about it,” Belle finally said. “And I’m going to talk to Bex. She lives here now. What if she’s not comfortable having another man around here?”
Thankyou,Belle.
“She’s got me around.”
“But you’re mine.”
“So?”
“Do I really need to spell it out for you? Dawson is a goodlooking guy, Luke. A good-looking singleguy. Bex doesn’t need that right now.”
Luke released a chortle. “He won’t be staying here long, I promise. He’ll only stay as long as he needs to finish his recovery.”
“What’s wrong with staying at your mom’s?”
“He doesn’t want to be at home with Mom and Kyler and Bryce. That house is full enough with the three of them. He would feel like
he’s just taking up space. This way, he can feel like he’s contributing. Just until he can have a safe space to heal so he can pick up and leave again. Daws isn’t the kind to settle down.”
Not the settling down kind. Even better. Honestly, they didn’t need to worry about anything happening between Luke’s brother and me. We were both temporary vagabonds. The chances of seeing each other much at all were slimmer than a ruler turned sideways. I needed to make that much clear.
Here we go. I stepped into the room. Luke sat on Belle’s bed, and the sound of shuffling and sliding cardboard told me Belle was in her closet. No wonder she’d been raising her voice—she’d been trying to sort through things while talking to him.
“Hey,” I said, making my presence known.
“What’s up?” Belle peeked her head out of the closet. Her dark hair was twisted into a fat bun on top of her head. While she acted as calm as ever, Luke shifted uncomfortably. He was handsome with blond hair and a five o’clock shadow.
“I heard,” I said, not seeing any point in hiding it.
Luke and Belle exchanged glances. “Oh,” was all Belle said. She pushed to her feet in the open closet door and rested her shoulder against the jamb. The pile at her feet suggested where she was in the sorting process.
“This is good, though,” Luke said from his spot on the end of her bed. His tousled hair was in need of a haircut, and he had an approachable expression on his face. “Belle wanted your opinion. What would you think of my brother coming to stay for a short while? Being on the road with the circuit, he doesn’t really have a place of his own. He’s not sure where he wants to settle down—or if he even does—so he asked me to see if I might know of a place he could go that wasn’t my mom’s house. A place where he can have a chance to heal.”
“If you’re uncomfortable with it,” Belle interrupted before Luke could finish. “Just say the word. This house has room and to spare, but that doesn’t mean I have to go offering it to every straggler who comes this way.”
“I’ve been thinking about that,” I said. The pressure mounted. This was the moment of truth. “We’ve stayed long enough. The court proceedings are done, and I’ve got that job at the mercantile now. I really could—”
“Don’t even,” Belle said. Her mouth pinched, and she rested a hand on her hip. “You’re not leaving. You don’t have to. That’s what I’m saying.”
“I know I don’t have to,” I said. But it’d been on my mind since she offered a place for the kids and me to stay during the proceedings. The conversation I’d had yesterday with Kyle replayed like a marching band on parade. Or maybe more like the firetrucks in the procession—honking and blurping and drowning out all other sounds.
My brother had offered me a place to stay, but their house wasn’t quite as accommodating as Belle’s. And Kyle had said, “You can’t stayatBelle’sforever.”
“Bex, you’re welcome to stay as long as you need.” Belle looked me in the eyes. Her brown eyes were warm and reassuring, and I was grateful to have such a good friend. I wasn’t sure what I would have done if she hadn’t offered to let the kids and I stay here. It’d been only recently that she decided to keep the farmhouse she’d inherited—only recently she’d decided to stay in Bridgewater and her first order of business was giving me a place to stay.
If that wasn’t what friendship was all about, I didn’t know what was. But it had been six months. It was time we moved on.
“If you’re uncomfortable with Dawson coming, we don’t have to have him here,” Luke added, repeating Belle’s sentiment. He went to Belle’s side and put his arm around her shoulder. “He’s a decent guy. A bit of a tease, but you’ll get used to that soon enough, I’ll bet.”
“He could stay in your house,” Belle suggested to Luke. Her chin went to his shoulder. Luke lived in a fixed-up shed on the property.
“Sharing a bed with me,” Luke said, rubbing his chin. “That’ll be something to see.”
“It’s more than I have around here.” Belle smirked.
It was true. Belle had gotten a few more pieces of furniture to replace the things her family had removed from the house after her
grandpa’s funeral, but there was still so much empty space. In a house with as many design quirks and nooks as this one, that was saying something.
“We’ll find him something to sleep on. You got that couch.” He waggled his eyebrows.
“That couch is off-limits,” Belle said.
I got the feeling that I’d somehow drifted to another plane of existence without moving an inch. Luke and Belle gazed at one another in that gooey kind of way that made me suspect they’d momentarily forgotten I was there.
“I really don’t mind that he’s here,” I said, bringing them back to reality. “As long as you trust him, I can too. He’s good with kids?”
Luke lowered his arm away from Belle. “He’s the goofball of the family. He’ll fit right in with them.”
Belle nudged him with her elbow. “That’s comforting.”
“What? It’s true. Dawson always was the jokester. Chances are, the kids’ll love him.”
Belle muttered something, which Luke replied to with a charmed smile before turning back to me.
“You’re sure?” she asked. Luke watched expectantly as well.
I mulled through possible answers I could give. If I declined, Belle would respect that. I’d told Kyle I’d found a place—and I had. The apartment had a waiting list, but maybe it was time to move forward with that after all. I could probably make it work. The cost of living for Burley, Idaho, wasn’t too high. There was no reason to deny Luke the opportunity to have his brother—not when I was ready to move out.
Chapter Two
“Idon’t know what we’re doing anymore. I don’t love you. I thinkit’stimetocallit.”
A punch to the gut couldn’t have shocked me more. My mindscrambledtokeepup. DidhereallysaywhatIthoughthejust said,especiallyafterwhatIjustcaughthimdoing?I don’t love you.
“Thisisn’tagametome,”Isaid.
“Meneither.That’swhythere’snosensepretendinganymore.”
Pretending. How many times had I done just that? Smiled, pushed through, made up reasons and excuses for Rock’s unkindnessandnegligence?
“So when I felt like our marriage was falling apart, it actually was?”
“Prettymuch.”
I shook the painful conversation away, but it didn’t fade like an Etch-a-Sketch drawing. Dregs of it remained, lingering, the most painful parts replaying with the comebacks I wished I’d said.
“You still there?” Mom’s voice on the other end of the phone served to wave away the rest of it.
“I’m here.” With one hand on the steering wheel, I turned onto the street I used to live on. This trek served as a proverbial woundopener, reminding me just how out of whack my life was, something my fractured heart wasn’t handling all that well.
“Your divorce is final, right?”
“You know it is, Mom.”
“I’m just saying, now there’s nothing holding you back. Why don’t you move here? Come closer to us.”
“Visitation rights still apply,” I said. “Rock gets the kids every other weekend. That would mean I’d have to make the two-and-ahalf-hour drive to and from Boise twice a weekend.”
“He can meet you halfway,” Mom said. “Plenty of families do that.”
“Except you know he wouldn’t.” I slowed as I passed Cambry Bennett outside her house a few doors down from the one Rock and I used to share. Now a sophomore in high school, Cambry had been the perfect babysitter for my kids since she was twelve. Not only did her close proximity make dropping the kids off or calling her over extremely easy, but she had a big heart and was extremely sweet and patient with the kids, too.
Mom tried to make a point, but this one wouldn’t work either. Rock wouldn’t be willing to meet halfway. That meant it would be up to me to make the almost three-hour drive from Boise to Bridgewater every two weeks, and I wasn’t up to that.
“I can’t stand the thought of you on your own and so far away.”
“I’m not on my own. Kyle’s here.” My brother worked at the insurance agency in Bridgewater. He and his wife had been a massive help before the divorce. Kody had camped out at Kyle’s office on more than one occasion after sports practices until I’d been able to pick him up. In fact, the day I’d picked up Belle from the airport for her grandpa’s funeral last fall, Kody had been at Kyle’s office.
“I am glad about that,” Mom said. “But a girl needs her mom.”
I pulled into my driveway—but it wasn’t mine anymore. This home where Rock and I had lived for the past eight years, the home where I’d brought my babies home after their births, where I’d cooked and cleaned and worked together with Rock to fix leaks in the plumbing downstairs, where I’d stood by his side during cold winter nights when the basement flooded while he investigated the source of the leaks, where I’d scrubbed crayon off the walls and changed diapers and planted roots, was no longer mine.
I could have kept the house. We’d discussed it as part of the proceedings, but I didn’t want to stay in a place with so many skeletons in the closets. Every room I went into had a memory, and I wasn’t about to be submerged in them at every turn. So I’d agreed to take alimony and let Rock have the house.
Nothing in my life was the way I thought it should be. As a young girl, I dreamed of finding a handsome man to love me and be by my side. Those dreams were never perfect, but the man in them was. In those dreams, he was kind. We’d have our squabbles, sure, but then we’d make up from them and still be a pair, a husband and wife, a couple.
Not long into my marriage, I realized dreams could be broken easier than eggshells. They were nothing more than castles built from popsicle sticks and glue by little girls who were naïve enough to think the image in their heads would magically transfer to the actual situation because of sheer will. Because of no stronger reason than they wanted them.
But rules of gravity, laws of physics, and whatever binds reality to us apply, and those laws are stronger than dreams. They’re stronger than sheer wanting something to work out, stronger than thinking things are one way, only to find the crushing reality that you made a mistake, and there is no backspace. There is no game over. No reset. Life was life, and it was real and flawed and a letdown.
“This is just how things are,” I told Mom. “We’re situated at Belle’s for now—”
“But you can’t stay there forever. You need a place of your own.”
“I know,” I said, closing my eyes. Boy, did I know it. “But we’re good there. Things are good. I’ve got a job at the mercantile in town now, and it’s easier for us if we live closer to that. I’m about to pick the kids up now, actually.”
“You think about it,” Mom said. “And give those three cuties a big hug for me.”
“I will. And I will think about it,” I said, meaning every word. If she only knew how much I’d been thinking about moving to Boise to be closer to her—not only that, but to get out of Bridgewater and get a fresh start. I’d thought I’d understood Belle’s reluctance to
return when her grandpa had died, but that meager comprehension didn’t hold a candle to the full-blown immersion I experienced now.
It wasn’t for the same reasons Belle had fought against, though. Sure, she’d been concerned about the way people reacted and treated her. Some people in this town were nosy, and many said things they probably shouldn’t have. That didn’t bother me.
What really bothered me was me. And I’d be me whether I was in Bridgewater, Boise, or Bentonville.
I’d been so stupid. I hadn’t seen myself, not like people around here probably saw me. Had they seen Rock’s disregard grow while I’d been so blind to it? I kept holding on, kept forgiving because that was what God wanted me to do. I kept smiling, looking for the good because it was the only way to keep the snorkel at my lips rather than letting the deluge of water engulf me.
I lost the battle, though, which was why I was parked here, staring at the house, preparing to approach the door and pick up my children, who, since the divorce was finalized four weeks ago, had been sentenced to spending every other weekend at their old house with a father who I wasn’t sure wanted them around.
I cut the ignition, stopped myself from checking my makeup in the rearview mirror, and sauntered to the front door—another weird thing. I’d rarely used the front door in all my years there. We’d always used the side door that entered right into the kitchen. But I was now a guest. This was what guests did.
The kids’ voices permeated through the door. My heart constricted momentarily until I caught the tenor of emotion—these were happy sounds. My kids were happyvisiting their dad.
Shouldn’t they be?
I knocked. The noise ceased for only moments until a stampede to the door ensued. I fixed my smile into place and bent to greet the faces I loved best.
Kody smiled; Paisley jumped on her toes and shouted, “Mommy! Mommy!” and Sophia clapped her hands against the hardwood floor from her seated position between the living room and the kitchen. Rock’s mom, Diane, was there too, and the sight was so unexpected I was startled. Her car hadn’t been parked outside.
“Diane?” I’d never been able to bring myself to call her mom.
“Hi,” she said, standing. Her short hair was dyed brown, belying the wrinkles near her eyes and mouth.
Diane was as nice as mothers-in-law got, but I could never quite get close to her. I could tell she disapproved of me. Everything I did, she would have done in the opposite way. That disapproval had not only reared its head when she’d found out I was leaving her son, it’d bucked. Never mind that he’d gaslighted and treated me contemptuously on a good day. Never mind that I was sick of being used, cast aside, and that I didn’t want his terrible influence on my kids. Sure, they still had to be around Rock, but at least it would be a dip here and there rather than a marinade.
What was she doing here? Did that mean Rock wasn’t here, and he’d had his mom watch the kids?
“You’re here,” Kody said, throwing himself at me in a hug as tight as his arms could manage. “I kept wondering when you’d come.”
He was a handsome seven-year-old, looking more like my brother than either Rock or me, with brown hair, freckles across his nose, and kind brown eyes. Paisley’s curls were the color of wheat and amber, and Sophia’s little tufts of hair, swirling just enough, told me her hair would probably be the same as her sister’s.
“I came just as soon as I could.” I hugged him back and crouched to be on their level. I couldn’t understand the relief coursing through me—it wasn’t as though I expected Rock to hurt them, but the fear lingered anyway. Fear for their safety. Fear that they might not want to see me as much as I wanted to see them. What a miserable thing this was to do to a child—make them divide themselves between their parents.
I didn’t want this little gush of pride—that Kody had missed and wanted me—to come.
I peered around the house. “Where’s Rock?”
“He had plans with a friend and asked if I’d stay with the kids while he was gone.” Diane bent for her bag near the door.
A friend, huh? I had a wild guess who that friendwas.
“How long has he been gone?”
Diane sniffed and didn’t answer. She straightened with her bag in hand, clearly ready to leave. She cast her gaze to the hall. Laughing, Sophia rounded the corner on unsteady feet, her little hands raised toward me. I scooped her up and cuddled her close, my heart feeling suddenly fuller than before.
“Look at my beautiful painting, Mommy,” Paisley said, interrupting my conversation with Diane. She took my hand and tugged me to the dining table, where a stack of papers was splayed. Each paper was smeared with different colors that all took on the same shade of green because she’d mixed every watercolor on her palette. She held up her fingers, which were also covered in paint. She’d taken to experimenting, then. Small puddles of murky water spilled on the table, and she clapped, so pleased to show me her creation.
“I love this so much,” I told her. “Should we wash your hands?”
“Yeah,” she said.
Diane cleared her throat. “Now that you’re here, I’ll clear off.”
“How have you been?” I asked. No need to be uncivil. I tipped the water cup and rinsed the paintbrush in the sink, which was full of dishes. No longer having her stool at the ready, I balanced Paisley on my bent leg propped up against the counter and got her hands clean. Murky water ran across the stacks of plates and bowls covered with caked-on food.
“Fine,” Diane said. “Paul’s working at a dairy in Burley, and I help run out his lunch on weekdays.”
“Nice,” I said.
She didn’t ask how I was. She simply turned for the door.
“Thank you for watching the kids,” I said.
“Happy to do it,” she said without facing me. “Bye now.”
“Bye, Grandma,” Kody called out, and Paisley hurried to hug her. Misgiving settled inside me, but I brushed it aside. Rock could be with whomever he liked now, but couldn’t he arrange his business with his new girlfriend on days other than when he had his kids?
Chapter Three
“Where’s your dad?” I asked once Diane was gone.
“Don’t know,” Kody said. He already had his bag in hand and was waiting by the door as though he were ready to leave. “Can we go now?”
“Let’s go,” I said, bending for Paisley and Sophia’s bags.
“We had a sleepover, and Popsicle sleeped on my pillow!” Paisley said, hugging the pillow that was as big as she was and joining Kody by the door. I smiled at the mention of her imaginary friend.
“Did Popsicle have fun spending time with Daddy?” I asked, adjusting the bags so I could carry Sophia out as well. She’d just taken her first steps but wasn’t up for getting to the car on her own yet.
“Yeah, she did. And I did too!”
Now that we were outside, I shut and locked the door and helped the kids to the van. The door slid open, revealing a heap of wrappers, neglected board books, toys, and just one of Kody’s soccer cleats. I really needed to get things cleaned out.
“What about you?” I asked Kody, sitting Sophia in her car seat as he climbed into the back so the girls could have the bucket seats. It was easier to buckle them in that way.
“Dad spent all his time with that Tara lady. They were kissing on the couch—gross. Then he left with her when Grandma came over.”
The sick feeling I had intensified. Diane hadn’t answered how long Rock had been gone. “When did Grandma come?”
“Yesterday,” Kody said.
I didn’t want to show the kids any signs of alarm or frustration, so with Sophia secured, I slid her door closed and went around to buckle Paisley. Good thing Kody was mature and responsible by nature, but still. Did Rock think he could pass the kids off every weekend he had with them?
I pressed my lips together and shot him a look. “Thanks for keeping such a good eye on your sisters.”
“I’m helpful,” Kody said, but I didn’t miss the dejection in his voice.
“Yes, you are.”
I waited until the kids were safely back at the farmhouse before excusing myself outside and far enough away from the goats, llamas, horses, and chickens to scream at the sky. The quakies beyond Belle’s farm took the noise well enough. I’d grown to love the company of trees for that reason. I pounded my fist against their flaking trunks a few times, too, and then once my ire settled enough, I made a phone call.
“Good, you answered.”
“What do you want?” Rock grumbled. “I’m busy.”
Sure he was. I still didn’t know how to act around him now that our life had divided. Now that he’d betrayed my trust and basically admitted the past eight years we shared together were lies. I’d known we weren’t perfect, but I’d lived under the delusion that he loved me. The conversation that had led to my decision to leave hounded my brain all over again.
“I just picked up our kids; your mom was watching them.”
“And?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, working to keep my temper in check. I’d just lost it on the trees; I refused to lose it with him.
“It was your weekend with them. You don’t see them any other time for two weeks, and when you finally have them, you take off?”
“They’ll get over it.”
I couldn’t comprehend this. Every minute I wasn’t with my kids was noticeable. How could he disregard them so easily? “Pais and Soph may forget, but Kody’s old enough to remember. He’s hurt, Rock.” Kody hadn’t said as much, but I’d been able to read it in his
tone and the sadness in his eyes. “And if you’re not careful, it’s going to come back and bite you.”
“He’ll be fine,” Rock said in a harsh, patronizing tone. “Is this all you called me for?”
I worked to keep my voice calm. Could he really be this heartless? “If you don’t want them to come over anymore, just say so. Maybe we can work out full custody—”
“I ain’t paying no more lawyers. We work this out ourselves. At least I got my mom there to watch them.”
Did he expect me to give him a gold star?
“Rock.” I had to make myself completely clear. I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation, but this needed to be said. “Don’t abandon them. If I feel like they’re not safe around you, you know I’m going to have to do something about it.”
“So do something then. I’ve got to go.”
“Rock.”
Click.
I gripped my phone as hard as I could to keep from throwing it into the spring brush at the base of the trees. Another frustrated screech ripped from my throat, and I kicked the trees to get the negative energy out of me. I couldn’t believe him! He’d been unreasonable before, but this rudeness was off the charts. I didn’t much like the idea of more court fees either, but if he was going to keep ditching out on the kids, I couldn’t let that happen.
Sure, kids were malleable and quick to forgive, but they wouldn’t stay that way. He was going to ruin whatever hope he had for a relationship with them if he kept this up.
I didn’t care about that. I couldn’t. His relationship with our kids wasn’t my problem anymore. But their safety with him was. He was angry; that much was obvious, though what he had to be angry about, I didn’t grasp. He’d been the one to cheat, not me.
The afternoon was bright and blue, and the sight of Kody and Paisley in the yard helped me push aside the frustration and pain Rock’s inattentiveness caused in me. They both ran toward me with joy on their faces, and I bent to wrap them in my arms and hold them as close as I could.
The smell of wind was in Kody’s hair, an oblivious glint twinkled in Paisley’s eyes, and I absorbed every aspect of them I could.
“Can we go get ice cream?” Kody asked.
“Yeah!” Paisley said. “How about we go to the park?”
“I’d love that,” I said.
Though we’d just driven the fifteen minutes outside of Bridgewater to get to the farmhouse, I packed them up once more, needing to show them I didn’t want to miss a minute of time with them. They needed to know how loved they were.
After collecting Sophia, we drove to Bridgewater’s Square, where so many town events took place. A block surrounded by buildings, including the mercantile and the Elkhorn Café, and the square's north side was marked by a tall arch. A trail led to a gazebo and a grassy area where we set up the pumpkin carving station at last year's fall event. Beyond that lay a small park with a swing set, a twisted jungle gym with several climbing walls and rungs, and a few slides.
I pushed them on the swings, grateful we were the only ones there. Spring was making its mark on the town now. The grass was starting to recuperate after being buried under the snow all winter, transforming from patchy yellow to healthier green. Flower beds all over town sprouted with daffodils and tulips. It looked like the park’s flowerbeds around the veteran memorial needed some weeds cleared.
Sophia grinned, her little fists bopping against the edge of the child swing that had openings for her little legs to fit through. She released a laugh of delight as I gave her another little push.
“Me, Mommy! Push me!”
I sidestepped Sophia to give Paisley a push.
“Higher!” She giggled, but I didn’t dare push her too hard. She was too big for the baby swings but hadn’t yet mastered the art of holding onto the big swings’ chains the entire time she sat there. She’d fallen off more than once. I gave her a tiny nudge.
Beside Paisley, Kody pumped with his feet, thrusting himself higher and higher only to quickly skid his feet on the chopped rubber
bits beneath. From the concentrated set of wrinkles on his forehead, something was bothering him.
“You never told me how your weekend went,” I prodded.
“Fine,” Kody said, digging his toes into the rubber bits and twisting on the swing. Paisley slowed and moved to lay on her belly on the swing instead. I gave Sophia another little push before kneeling in front of Kody.
“Just fine?”
“We didn’t do anything,” Kody said, pushing his thin-rimmed glasses higher onto his nose. “I asked Dad if he wanted to play Sorry with me, and he told me no. All he did was stare at his phone the whole time.”
Several things wanted to slip from my lips, but I refused to trashtalk the kids’ father in front of them. “That’s his loss,” I said. “I’ll play Sorry with you when we get back, if you want.”
“And he slept most of the time. He just had us watch TV the whole time.”
“He might be having a hard time,” I said, trying to help Kody give his dad the benefit of the doubt. “It’s planting season soon, and Dad always hates it when things start to pick up again after the snow melts.” I hated that I was justifying his terrible behavior. Why couldn’t I think of anything better to say?
Kody sniffed. “Yeah, that means he can’t take the winter off in his shop anymore.”
“That’s right.”
Once we finished at the park, I took them to the Elkhorn Café for dinner. Nights out like this had to be few and far between. I was working now, and Belle insisted I didn’t have to pay rent while we were there because her grandfather would never have charged someone to stay, but I still tried to be careful with finances.
What I’d told my mom was true—I had begun searching for a place to stay. With Luke’s brother possibly coming, it was time for my life to reset and for us to settle into this new stage of things.
Tyra served our table, bringing the kids’ chicken strips in baskets lined with red-and-white patterned paper. Kody passed Sophia a few fries from his tray. The smell of fried food teased my stomach.
Tyra’s long dreads were tied at the back of her head. She placed my tray down and pulled a few straws from the pocket of her waist apron, letting them drift to the table as well.
“There y’all go,” she said.
“Thanks, Tyra.”
She placed a hand on my shoulder. “It’s so good to see you. How have you been these days?”
Tyra and I were friends in high school. We’d just clicked after she’d moved to our tiny town from Tennessee. “We’re hanging in there,” I told her. Hanging in there was an all-inclusive statement, wasn’t it? It wasn’t quite good or quite bad—just dangling in the middle of the two.
The owner waved Tyra over. “I’ll be right there,” she said, smiling back at me again. “You and Belle should come in for another round sometime. We can catch up.”
“That would be amazing,” I said, and though it was the right thing to say, I didn’t feel it at all. I didn’t want to catch up, to tell someone else how my life felt like it was falling apart around me. Tyra would understand; her parents had divorced, which was why she moved across the country in the middle of high school.
It wasn’t that I didn’t feel I could confide in her or that I worried she might spill my secrets all over town the way others around here did. Someday, we would catch up—when it felt like I had something I wanted to share.
Divorce wasn’t a decision I’d made lightly. It devastated me when I realized that was the destination I’d reached in my life. This wasn’t the dream—the thing every little girl and little boy imagined happening when they got older. But life was a stray cat. It didn’t go where you told it to. It wandered and veered off to sniff the next interesting thing it saw. You might be able to tame it and lure it in the direction you wanted, but ultimately, life never went where you wanted it to.
Realizing that had devastated me. I had loved Rock. I’d wanted our marriage to work. In fact, I’d given our marriage every second morsel I had. My heart was fully invested, which was probably why,
when I gave all of it to him, only to have him disregard the gift and cast it aside, it hurt all the more.
That gave me a new realization—something I’d been feeling for a while but hadn’t yet fully grasped. Even though Rock had hurt me, I wasn’t giving up. I believed in love. Those dreams I’d had were still in there, and I wanted to see if a love like what I hoped for actually existed.
The kids and I finished our meal in silence—or I sat in silence, anyway, while Kody and Paisley alternated between dipping their fries in ketchup and fry sauce and comparing which one they liked best.
“Can we go home now, Mommy?” Paisley asked, pushing her empty basket away.
Her question struck me.
“Where is home?” I asked.
“The farmhouse.” Kody doused his fries in the last of his fry sauce. I finished chewing my burger and cleaned up what I could of our wrappings and the food Sophia had flung on the table and her chair. I then wiped the baby’s face and hands and lifted her from her high chair. Kody grabbed his drink and stood, taking Paisley’s hand.
With Sophia in my arms, I crouched in front of them. “I have something I want to show you. One more place I wanted to take you.”
I helped them pile into the van, and we made the twenty-minute drive southwest from Bridgewater to Burley. Kody and Paisley speculated the entire way there, wondering where we were going. I hadn’t been able to find any apartment complexes in the tiny little town—mostly because they didn’t exist—but Burley had several places to speak of. Some weren’t the kinds of places I wanted to raise my kids in, but they fit the budget and seemed decent enough. I pulled in front of one.
“What are we doing here?”
“I was thinking we might live here,” I said, resting a hand on the steering wheel and leaning to look out the window at the complex. Newly built with a brick exterior and dormers over every door, it had a nice parking lot with awnings over every vehicle and a grassy area
with a gazebo and a small playground. “It’s within walking distance of the school,” I added. “You wouldn’t have to ride the bus.”
Kody wrinkled his nose. “But I thought we were living at the farmhouse with Aunt Belle and Uncle Luke.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell them we weren’t actually related to Belle and Luke. Heck, the two of them weren’t even engaged yet, let alone married. But Belle was my best friend. She’d been a godsend for me through the most difficult parts of the divorce—I mean, what kind of person let a single woman and her three noisy kids come live with her?—so she was as good as any family. Kyle and his wife, Stacey, had offered, but they had kids of their own, and I would have felt in the way in their smaller home in a way I didn’t at Belle’s.
“Belle and Luke might want a family of their own someday,” I said.
“They’re having kids?”
“I—well, no. They’re not married yet, but I’m just saying, it’s Belle’s house. She’s been so nice to share it with us, but it’s only been a temporary kind of sharing. You know how you let Paisley use your action figures, but then eventually, you want them back, right?”
“Right. So Belle wants her house back.”
I regretted my choice of words. With the car in park on the side of the road, I faced Kody and the girls. “That’s not it at all. Aunt Belle loves having us there, but we can’t stay there forever. What would you think if we moved?”
“I don’t want to move,” Paisley said from her car seat. “Popsicle wants to help with the chickens.” Her imaginary friend made an appearance as she did in most conversations anyone had with the three-year-old.
Kody rested a hand on the back of Paisley’s seat. “Yeah, and I help Luke in the barn with the horses. He lets me ride Walnut.”
Luke had been gracious enough to let Kody tag along with him to do the chores every day as he fed and watered the animals and cleaned up around the barnyard. I was glad it got Kody out of the house and gave him something else to do rather than sit around inside and play video games. And Luke was a good example for Kody to be around. I didn’t really want that aspect to change, either.
“Maybe there’s something we can arrange so you can keep working with Luke. Okay?”
Kody’s pout didn’t lift. “I still don’t see why we have to leave.”
“Luke’s brother, Dawson, is hurt. He needs somewhere to stay, and it might be too much for him to have us there.”
“I’ll be quiet,” Paisley said. The statement broke my heart a little. I knew her dad was constantly hounding her for making too much noise.
“Luke has a brother? When’s he coming?” Kody asked.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “And that’s not the only reason I want to leave. I just—” I didn’t know how to explain it so they could understand. “You know what? Let’s not worry about it right now. I’m not ready to move yet, either.” I still needed to put our names on the waiting list for this place and pay the deposit to hold our spot.
Kody’s face smoothed in relief. Paisley grinned and prattled on about how happy Popsicle would be to stay, and Sophia cooed and kicked her feet against the toys dangling from her car seat handle. I gazed at my three kids for a few more minutes before shifting into gear. In my rearview mirror, I caught sight of the sunset and the dying of another day, experiencing it in a way I couldn’t explain.
It was time to head back to the farmhouse. It looked like we’d be there when Luke’s brother arrived after all.
Chapter Four
By the time we made it back, twilight had settled in over the new buds on the trees. A few new goats had been born, and Luke’s truck was parked alongside Belle’s grandpa’s truck, Old Blue, a 1970s model with a big blue stripe along its side. With her long mahogany hair tied in a ponytail, Belle carried a suitcase in each hand up the front steps. Luke lingered near the open passenger side of his pickup while a man slowly descended to the ground.
It looked like they hadn’t wasted any time inviting Dawson to stay.
“Who’s that?” Kody asked, unbuckling for a better look.
“That,” I said, pulling in beside Old Blue and killing the ignition. “I’m assuming, is Luke’s brother.”
“He’s here? You said he wasn’t coming yet.”
“I said I didn’t know when he’d be here.” A stone sank into my stomach at the thought. I’d told Belle I didn’t mind having Dawson here, but now that he was, I suddenly wanted to turn right around and make the deposit on that apartment. You couldn’t get on the waiting list without the deposit, which was holding me back. It was non-refundable.
It was one thing to share a space with Belle. I’d been able to be myself around her, to work through the emotional obstacle course the divorce had put me through. Even Luke had given me a few hugs here and there and acted as though our situation together was the most normal thing in the world.
What would things be like with his brother here? What kind of a man was Dawson Holden? Would he be easygoing and casual like Luke, or would I have to tiptoe around him?
For untold reasons, my pulse began to elevate, which was ludicrous. I’d never even met this man. What did it matter that he was moving in as well? He was injured. He was Luke’s brother.
He was invading a space that had become my safe haven.
Havenwood Farm’s name was extremely fitting. The house was secluded, several miles outside of town, and as a result, didn’t receive many visitors. It was the kind of situation where you knew you had to stock up at the store while you were in town because it wasn’t as easy to pop into the mercantile every day like I’d sometimes done down in Bridgewater proper. Going to town was a deliberate decision—that meant coming out to Havenwood for others was deliberate too. As a result, I was able to easily steer clear of the many nosy people I would have run into before.
Who was I kidding? Dawson wasn’t going to be nosy. He had a brain injury—chances were he’d keep himself secluded in the back end of the house, far away from my kids and the noise that automatically accompanied them. With that reassuring thought, I lifted my chin, bolstered my courage, and stepped out of the van.
I ambled to the back door and was greeted by Sophia’s bright green eyes and eager hands reaching for me. She jabbered a bit.
“I’m getting you out,” I cooed in response.
She nestled into my arms, gripping my sleeve and sucking her thumb. Juggling her in one hand and retrieving the sippy cup that had toppled to the van’s floor with the other, I grabbed my bag and followed my kids up the porch steps and into the house.
As usual, the smell of something delicious cooking wafted through the house the instant I set foot inside. Belle had taken to the role of homemaker in the best way. She’d fought hard against the idea of being back in this house, but once she finally allowed the truth to place its argument on the table, she’d accepted the farmhouse wholeheartedly. Though she’d considered quitting, she worked remotely for a company in Oregon and spent every spare
minute with her boyfriend, the farm’s ranch hand, Luke Holden, scouring every inch of the house she’d inherited in between.
Tonight, the aromas hinted at something like beef stew with freshly baked rolls and apple pie. And sure enough, Belle was dancing in the kitchen to the sounds of Kacey Musgraves, arms up in a solo waltz while wearing the cow-patterned apron I’d seen her wear. On the floor of the entryway was what I assumed was one of Dawson’s suitcases.
“Smells amazing,” I said, setting my purse that doubled as Sophia’s diaper bag on the counter.
“Thank you,” Belle said in a singsong voice, hunching down as if to sneak up on Sophia.
Ever the happy baby, Sophia laughed in anticipation of the attack and began to bounce in my arms, sending wafts of her unwashed baby smells in my direction. If I had to guess, Rock hadn’t bathed her at all the whole weekend. Not for the first time, I questioned whether it was a good idea to leave the baby with him for three days in a row when he’d barely given her the time of day before. Sure, he loved her and wanted to play with her, but when it came to the actual caringfor Sophia, he’d left that all to me.
I had a sneaking suspicion he was doing the same now—with Kody. The seven-year-old boy had stepped into the role of elder brother impressively. He was always quick to help me snatch a diaper or a snack for the baby or her blanket, and he was always a good sport about playing with Paisley—even though they fought half of the time. But I hated that he had to grow up so fast.
If the kids were home with Rock, then Rockshould be the one to take care of them.
Squeals erupted in the kitchen, overriding the music and stealing a smile to my lips as Sophia found herself thoroughly tickled. I relished the close cuddling that ensued as she turned to me to save her and simultaneously looked to Belle for more.
“Glad you got the kids back,” Belle said to me, though she smoothed a hand over Sophia’s soft head. A few tendrils of hair escaped Belle’s ponytail.
