The Natural Speaker is a friend l y step-by-step guide to public speaking that explores the fundamenta l skills necessary to present a natural and rewarding speech to any audience . By providing an overview of speech construction, practice, and de livery, this book is des igned to enhance and impro ve upon students' natural strengths. Featuring a warm and humorous writing sty le, The Natural Speaker illustrates t he concepts and skill s required for enjoyab le public speakin g, and Randy Fujish in in vites readers to view speaking as a life long journey. This ninth edition h as been updated t hroughout to reflect the integration of online media in public speaking today- with sections on dig ital visual aids, d igital note taking, and speaking on YouTube - and now features guidance on speaking to mu l ticultural audiences.
Randy Fujishin is a communication consultant and conference speaker for high techno lo gy companies, government agenc ie s, and Christian organizations. His clien ts include Apple , Inte l Corporation, Cisco Systems, t he University of Phoenix, and Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center.
Other Books lly the Author
Natural Bridges
The Art ofCommunication, 3rd
Gifts.fromtheHeart, 3rd
CreatingCommunication, 2nd
Creating Effective Groups, 3rd
Discovering the Leader Within Your Ministry o.fConversation
The Natural Speaker
Ninth Edition
RANDY FUJISHIN
NEW YORK AND LONDON
Ninth edit i on published 20 18
by Routledge
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and by Routledge
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First ed i t i o n published Pearson Education, Inc. 2009
Ei ghth ed iti o n p ublished Routledge 20 16
Library o.fCongress Catalog1i1g-ti1 -Pub/ication Data
Names: Fuj i shin, Randy, author.
Title: The natural speaker I Randy Fuj i shin.
Description: Ninth ed i t i o n. I New York, NY: Routledge, 20 18. I
Includes ind ex.
Identifiers: LCCN 201 7054450 I ISBN 978 11 3870090 1 (hardc over ) I
ISBN 978 11 38 7009 18 (softcover) I ISBN 978 1 3 1 52043 38 (ebk)
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Please vis i t the compa ni o n webs i te at www.routledge. com / cw/ fuj i shin
For Vi cky, my g i ft i n t hi s l i fetime
Preface
The most important skill you will ever develop i n this life is. your abili ty to connect deeply with another human being. A hundred years from now, i t won't matter what leve l of education you achieved, t h e kind of car you drove, or the amount of money you earned. What will matter is that you connected with the hearts of others, that you welcomed others, t h at you served others, that you encouraged others, t h at you loved others. W i thout this ab ili ty to connect with other human beings, your life will be unhappy and empty. From t h e moment you are born, you are driven by an undeniab le urge, a need to connect with others deepl y and meaningfull y.
One of the most powerful ways to connect with oth ers is through speech. Your ability to effective l y and pass ionate l y address a group of people not onl y enhances your educational, professional, and personal lives, i t can a lso enlarge, empower, and he l p those who listen to you. Pub lic speaking, t h e training you might be dreading most, could surprisingly become a communication skill that you will really appreciate, use, and enjoy in the years to come.
This book is offered so you can give a speech that will be a benefit and an encouragement to others. It' s a s i mple guide to improving and enhancing the natural speaking strengths you already possess while providing a basic understanding of speech research, organi zation, and de livery. In the process of learni ng and deve loping these skill s, you will be inviting the natural speaker within you to deve lop in ways that wil l benefit others and yourse lf.
Ch apters 1 and z explore t h e nature and principles of communication, your communication attitude, and six interpersonal communication skills that are vital to effective communication in your everyday life. You will a lso be encouraged to give yourself permission to grow in a ll these areas. Chapter 3 will introduce you to t h e basic components of speech organization.
Chapters 4 and 2 explain topic se lection and speech content materials. In these chapters, you receive a practical guide to constructing a speech from start to finish in an effective and comprehensive way.
In Chapter 6 , the ro le of listening in pub lic speaking is presented. The topics of the listeni ng process, barriers to listening, bridges to listeni ng, and benefits of listening will be explored. Throughout this chapter, you will see that the effort you expend to improve
yo ur listeni ng s kill s for pub lic speaking will a lso bring abo u t imme d iate impro vement in yo ur in terpersonal and re lation a l listening .
Chapter 7 hi g hli g hts the physical components of speec h de livery and practic a l methods for de li v ery improvement. The emph as is of this chapter is on deve lo ping those speaking strength s you already possess and adding ne w skill s t h at w ill enhance your natural sty le.
Chapter 8 covers t he principles of s h ar ing informat ion w ith your a u d ie nce. Also presented are s imple s u ggestion s for effective info rmati v.e speaking, lang u age u se, a n d dealing with a u d ience q ue stio n s. Chapter 9 examines t he fundamenta ls of persuasive speaking. Ar istotle 's three persuasi v e appeals - ethos, logos, a n d pathos - are discussed, a n d ways to incorporate each appeal in to your speec h are expla ined.
And Chapter 10 invites you to become a speaker for your l ife t ime. Impromptu speakin g, spec ia l occasion speaking, deve lo ping t he he art o f a speaker, a n d bal anc ing techno lo gy and communication are expla i ned in a s imple and encouraging way.
The purpose of this b ook is to g i ve yo u the bas ic skill s to p re sent a speec h that is effectiv e, natural, and benefic ia l for you and the a u dience. Your dec is ion to deve lop y our n atural speakin g ab ilities is one t h at w ill re ward you, b o t h professionall y a n d personally, for the rest of your li fe .
New to This 9th Edition
• The role of public speaking i n a democratic s oc iety (C h . 1)
• New d isc uss ion and application of d igi tal media in pULb lic speaking (throug hout 9th edition)
• New a u d ienc e a n a l ys is survey fo rm (C h . 4)
• Onli ne speec h content research beyond Google (C h . 5 )
• Research n ote-taking s o ftware too ls (C h . 5)
• New presentational s oftware programs (Ch. 5)
• Speaking note tec hnolo gy a n d too ls (C h . 5)
• Adaptin g y our speec he s to multicultural audience s (C h. 6 )
• Deali ng effective l y with a u d ience smartphone d istractions (C h . 7)
• Handlin g speakin g-day chall enges gracefull y (C h. 7)
• New speak er de li ve ry practice activ itie s (C h . 7)
• Sy mmetrical a n d asymmetr ic a l gesturin g (C h. 7)
• Balan cing tec hnolo gy a n d fa ce - to -face inte ractio n s (C h . 10 )
• Prepar in g effecti v e YouTube presentations (C h. 10)
• Se v eral new c h apter opening sto rie s emphasizing te c hno logy
l woul d li ke to thank m y senior editor , Laura Br iskman, for her w isdom, gui dance , and cheerful optimism during e v er y phase of t he production of thi s 9th edition of The Natural Speaker. Laura is a b lessing to me. l w ould a lso li ke to thank Nicole Salazar, m y editorial assistan t, for her expert d ir ection, encouragement, and joyful ass istance.
Ste v e Richmond, m y good friend o v er t he decades, deserves m y g r atitude and affection . l wo ul d also like to express m y deepest th a nks to m y mother , Hel en Fujis hin, for her godl i ness and l o v e , and m y l ov in g sons, Tyler and Jared, and their wonderful w i v es , Lauren and Aurora, for giving me the pleasure of a fun and l o ving fam il y.
Fin a ll y, l w is h to t h ank Vi cky, m y bri de of o ve r 30 y ears, for her l o v e , godl y character , a n d deep, jo y ous friendship . It is to Vicky that l dedi cate t hi s book. I l o v e y ou, Vicky.
Randy Fuj ishin
El Communicating With Others
Your Most Important Skill
Learning Objectives
After reading this chapter, you should be able to do the following :
1 .1 Define communication
1 . 2 Define the components of communication
1.3 Explain the principles of communication
1 . 4 Explain the concept that attitude is more important than aptitude
1 . 5 List the communication skills for your life
1 . 6 Explain the ro le of p ublic s peaking in a democratic society
Never before had Paul sat for so long in total s ilence w i t h another hum a n be in g. Paul, a y oung psycho logist, was in a therapy sess ion w i t h his client, a middle-aged woman w i t h life le ss eyes, arms t h at hung lim p l y at her s ides, and a posture t h at d isplayed t he s h ame and anger that o fte n ac compan y v ictim s of physical ab use . It was d uring Paul's first year of clinic a l training as a marriage, fam il y, a n d child t her apist that he h ad w orke d w i t h her. The woman came to t her apy w i t h a long hi story o f depress ion and with drawal. As a nov ice therapist, Paul encouraged her to open up a n d s hare her feelings. But dur in g t he first two sessi ons, al l t he w om an did was s i t in s ilence. He as ke d t he u s u a l q ue stions therapists are trained to as k, a n d s he responded only wit h s ilence. She s imply stare d out t he w ind o w at t he peaceful mountains in the d istance as the two of t hem sat in the small , cramped o ffice.
During t he course of therapy, s he d id make s ome pro,gress. After two months, s he responded in s hort se n te nce s to so me of Paul's q ue stions . She even sm iled a time or two. Yet, w i thin four months , s he q ui t coming to her sess ions. Paul left messages on her answer ing machine, inviting her bac k to t herapy, b ut she did n ot re spo n d. Paul ne ve r saw t he w om an agai n .
To this day, Paul is h a unted by something s he said at t he end of one of her final session s.
After he asked her why she spent the vast majority of her t i me i n t h erapy in sil ence, she s lowl y admitted, "Most times, it's less painful to be silent th an to tal k . I think i t would be muc h easier to live my entire life not havi ng to communicate with anyone. "
Can you imag i ne a life without communication? Immediate l y, your existence would c h ange in dramatic ways, leaving you with an entire l y different life - an empty, ho ll ow li fe.
Once a human beti1g has arn"ved on this earth, communication is the largest single.factor in detenmiung what happens to luin 1i1 the world.
- V IR GINI A SAT I R
No longer could you tal k with friends over coffee or laug·h w i t h your fam il y at a picnic. No longer could you whisper sweet nothi ngs to your spouse or discuss the latest movie w i t h a neig h bor. No longer could you debate an issue at a business meeting or negotiate the price of a used car. No longer could you apo logize for a wrong or ask for forgiveness from a wounded friend . In s h ort, no longer would you be fu ll y h uman. We need communication as a br idge to oth ers in this life .
He ll was once described not as a burning pit of endless agony, but as a co ld, lone l y, iso lated place where each person was sentenced to spend eternity a lone on an is land- no bridges between t h e is lands, no way to span the gulf between people, forever alone. A life without communication would be he ll .
1.1 What Is Communication?
Al though there are numerous definitions for communicati on, the fo ll owing definition is very s i mple and h as been around for a long time. Communication is the process of sending iThe sender sends a message through a channe l, within a specific environment, to a receiver. The receiver responds with feedback to th e sender; no ise can i nterfere with the fide lity or accuracy of the message. Communication can be both verbal and nonverbal. Verba/communication consists of a ll language that is spoken and written, 31".-; -
1.2 The Components of Communication
The communication process is made up of seven components. They are t h e sender,
message, environment, channe l, receiver, feedback, and noise.
Sender
The sender is the originator of the message. In other models of communication, the sender can a lso be c a ll ed the source of t he message. The process of communication begin s at t hi s point with a speaker w h o w is he s to communicate a n idea or fee li ng. It's impor tant to note th at t he sender doesn't sim pl y send a message. She must first dec ide w h at s he wants to communicate and t hen encode the message. Encoding is the process of converting the message into lang uage and terms that will be understood by t he receiver. Once t he message is encoded, it is sent to t he receiver.
Message
The idea or feeling the sender wants to communicate is calle d the message. The message can be any idea, thoug h t, emotion, or fee li ng the sende r wis he s to communicate. Wh ether i t's a flirtatious w ink ac r oss a crowded room or a co ll ege commencement address, t he message is sti ll the th o u g h t or feeling the sender wants to communicate.
Environment
The environment includes t he time, place, and occasion of the communic at ion event. The time at w hich communication occurs can influence t h e communication between people. Tal king to someone ear l y in the morning or late at night can affect ho w we inter act . The p h ys ic a l surroundings a lso play an important ro le. Is the communication event in s ide or outside? How does the li g htin g, temperature, arrangement of t he furniture or chairs, s ize of t he room, and a h ost of other physical vari ab les influence t h e manner in w hich we communicate w i t h others? The spec ific occasion for the event a lso determ ine s to a large extent ho w we communicate. Wh at is the purpose of t he occas ion ? Is the occas ion forma l or in formal ? Ho w many people are invo l ved? The se environmental var iable s need to be considered w hen we communicate.
Channel
The channelis the means by w hich a message is transmitted. Messages can be tran sm i tted
through channe ls of hearing, s ight, sme ll , taste, and touch. A sender can use a variety of channe ls to communicate her message. For i nstance , if she wants to communicate affection to someone spec ial , she can choose to te ll the person with words, h ug the person, send cookies , write a letter, or offer perfume. In public speaking, th e auditory and visual channe ls are used most often. But i t's important to keep i n mind that t h e more channe ls utilized by the sender, the more i mpact the message has on the recei ver.
Receiver
The destination of th e message is call ed the receiver. Without the receiver, communication does not occur. In pub li c speaking, the recei ver of the message is the audience. In the communication mode l, the receiver receives the message and then must decode it. Decodingi.s the process of trans lating the message so that i t has meaning for the rece i ver. A wink of t h e eye from the sender can be decoded or interpreted in many ways. It can be a nonverbal s ign of fl i rting, a s ign that there 's dust i n t h e e ye, or e ven the first symptom of an epil eptic seizure. The decoding process is vital in communication.
Speech is civilization itsetf.
- THOMAS MAN!>f
Feed/Jack
The response of the rece i ver to th e sender is called.feedback. Alth ough feedback is reall y a message from t h e rece i ver to the sender, the term h e l ps us. see th e circular movement of this communication mode l. It should be stressed t h at the receiver can send t h e return message through a ll the same channe l options as t h e sender when she encodes and sends the response.
Noise
Noise is any disturbance or interference in the communication process . External noise is any ph ys ical interference that d i minishes or reduces the meani ng of the message. Examples of external noise include background tal king, a jackhammer banging outside the buil d i ng, or e ven a d istracting mannerism of t he speaker. All of these and more can interfere with th e communication process . Ps yc h o logical or semantic interference is call ed internal noise. Internal noise can cause us to misinterpret or decode th e message i n
a way not intended. A word w i th multiple meanings is a common example of internal noi se. For instance, an audience may in terpre t the speaker's statement, "In japan, students respect t heir teachers," in a var ie ty of ways, dependin g on their individual interpre tation s of t he word respect.
1.3 The Principles of Communication
Now t h at yo u have an idea of w h at communication is and the e lements th at make up t he process, you are in a better position to examine some principles t h at govern communication.
You Cannot Not Commu nicate
Even w hen you don' t think you're communicating, y our nonverbal be h avior is constantly g i ving off important messages. Yo ur posture, your eye contact or lac k of i t, and the manner in w hich yo u wal k or even s leep se n d messages loaded wit h meaning to t he outside observer. Freud w ise l y observed, "He w ho h as eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himse lf t h at no mortal can keep a secret. If his 1£ps are s ilent , he chatters wit h hi s fingertips and betrayal oozes out of him at every pore ." Yo ur body , your movements, your use of time, t h e d istance you stand from others, and even your clothes broadcast constant and powerful messages to observers. You are a l ways communicating.
Communication Is Irreversi/J/e
Ma n y times we wis h we cou ld retract a cr i t ical word or erase an angry response that we h ave made. Unfortunate l y, t his is not possib le. An apo l ogy for h ars h words can be s incere l y accepted, b u t t h e memory of the event can live on for the remainder of a person's life . Human memory is a funny thing. Th e leas.t of gestures, the small est of words can haunt us long after t he event. It might be w ise for us to remember the recommendation "One se ldom regrets unspoken words. "
Communication Is a Process
Many years ago, Heraclitus observed, "You ne ver step into t he same river twice." The river
has changed- the water clarit y is different, the temperature is different, the current is different, the depth is d ifferent, and the width is different. The river may look the same, but it's a different river. In fact, you too have changed- the very ce lls of your body are different- since you last stepped into its waters.
This same principle holds true for communication. A smile might have worked while requesting something from a friend last week. But this week, the same sm ile e licits mild rejection. Why? Because you cannot repeat any event in exactl y the same manner. Things have changed. Both participants have changed in countless subtle and not-s o -s ubtle ways. It is impossib le to replicate the hundreds of minute var iab les that influenced you just a week ago. Everyth ing has changed to some degree during the week.
Have you ever seen the same mo vie twice? It's amazin g ho w many new things you see the second time around that went unnoticed during yo ur first viewing. Your emotional response to the fi l m may a lso change because of the personal changes and emotional experiences you h ave had since yo u first saw the movie.
Communication is a process. Life is a process. The so ldier who goes off to war returns a different person. The old woman dying in the city hospital bed is not the same person who ran a long the countr y lane 70 years ago. That, howe ver, is the beauty of life. As we get older , we can explor e, experiment, c h ange, and grow so that on our deathbed, we w ill have ve ry few regrets.
Communication Is Learned
There are some nonverbal communication behav ior s that seem to be universal, such as smiling and crying. But the majority of verbal and nonverbal communication is learned. The specific language that a child grows up with is learned ear l y in childhood, as are the nonverbal communication behaviors that are appropriate for a spec ific culture. For instance, in US culture, we valu e and encourage direct e ye contact, especially in the pub lic speaking arena. Yet a native of the Japanese cul ture would interpret the same direct eye contact as a s ign of rudeness and lack of respect, especiall y when the speaker is addressing an individual of higher status .
Just as a fis h is unaware of the water surroundi ng i t, an individual might not be aware that communication is le arned because he too is s urrounded by the language and cul ture of his society. However, when a person le arns a new language, visits a fore ign country, or acquaints himse lf with a person from a d ifferent culture, he begins to realize that his way of talking and perceivi ng the wor ld is but one of many. Th ere are many realities out there, and perhaps one important indicator of maturity is the realization that "our way" isn't necessarily the onl y or best way.
The most i mportant aspect of this principle is that ineffective ways of communicat ing can be replaced by learning ne w, more effecti ve methods. P'eople often think that because they can tal k, they can communicate effective l y, too. This is far from the truth. Ernest Hemingway once warned us "not to confuse mot ion for action." The same holds true for tal king and communicating. Communicating effecti ve l y in our i nterpersonal and professional li ves requires study and practice . Effective communication skill s can be learned, and they must be learned if we are to experience a life that is meaningful and worth liv i ng.
Communication Needs to Be Cross-Culturally Appredated
Perhaps the most s ignificant lesson we can learn is that communication is often cul ture specific. Granted, the pr i nciples of communication mentioned thus far appl y to a ll cu l tures. Individuals from a ll cu l tures learn to communicate. They cannot not communicate. Their communication and their li ves are in process . And once the y communicate a message, i ntentionall y or un i ntentional l y, the effect is i rre vers i bl y fe l t by others.
But we must not make the mistake of thinking that what we value in terms of communication competencies is desired by all people in e v er y culture. This is not a l ways the case . For example, in th is book, you w ill be encouraged to maintain direct eye contact with your li steners, use express i ve gestures, employ vocal var iety, and share personal illustrations in yo ur speaki ng. For the purposes of address i ng most American audiences, these and other skills w ill serve a pos i tive and des irab1e function. But if yo u were addressing a group of Japanese bus i nesspeople in Tokyo, these same behaviors m ight be i nterpreted as overl y for ward, disrespectful, annoying, and. even rude. The Japanese often view direct eye contact as an invasion of personal space. The use of exaggerated gestures and vocal var iety does not fit their more restrained and forma l style of communication. And personal d isclosure would be inappropriate , if not suspect, in a large group of strangers.
Every culture views beau{JI in different ways. You expand your world each nine you s ee beau{JI through tire eyes ofothers.
- BARBARA OoWER
"We ll ," you sigh, "I just won't ever give a speech to a group of Japanese bus i nesspeople in Tokyo !" Maybe not, but t h e Uni ted States is a country th at is home to hundreds of different cu l tures. That's t h e beauty of our nation! If yo u reall y anal yzed any audience i n America, you'd be surprised at t h e heterogeneous mix of the cul tures and ethnic
backgrounds of y our listeners.
The purpose of this public speaking book is not to pro v ide y ou with a list of the communication skills and behav iors v a l ued b y each of these different cultures. We ' ll leave that book to someone else. But you are encouraged to become aware of, sensitiv e to, and respectful of these differences. This is not to say you must shift y our communication sty le with each audience y ou address. That would be an impossib le task. But you are being challenged to examine the notion that your way is the onl y way.
You need to become more aware of the subt le, and not so subt le, differences between cultures. Not onl y must y ou raise y our le v e l of awareness concerning these differences, but you a lso need to be more sensiti v e to them, not onl y in your speaking, but a lso in y our dail y interactions with others. And fina ll y, y ou must respect these differences in y our speaking and listening with a ll people. The next section will he l p you meet this challenge.
1.4 Attitude Is More Important Than Aptitude
Before proceeding to t h e next chapter, it is important to mention the attitude of the communicator, for the attitude of the speaker is the most important factor in effective communication.
A person' s attitude is far more important than his aptitude in communicating with others. An indi v idual can be highl y trained and skilled in the communication arts but may possess an angry or critical attitude. It is this negativ e attitude that is sensed be low the leve l of spoken language , and the receiv er or audience u l timately will respond to i t rather than to the words.
The attitudes that distinguish trul y effective communicators from less effecti v e ones are worth mentioning here. Effective communicators seem to possess an attitude of se lfacceptance. They accept who they are without hav ing to prove a great deal to others. They exhibit an attitude of other - centeredness, which enab les t hem to empathize with , care for, and respond to others. Rather than constantly being consumed with the need or desire to contro l others or gain their approval , these se lf - accepting individuals can dance to the beat of a different drummer with greater ease and grace. They don' t spend a lot of time looking o v er their shoulders or down their noses.
Flexibility is another attitude that characterizes these individuals, for they are more like ly to experiment with new behaviors , take risks , and. make mistakes. They appear gentle i n their dealings with others. And fina ll y, these individuals possess a sense of openness and authenticity that makes them comfortab le to be around, demanding little energy . We wal k away from these individuals feeling enlarged rather than diminished.
The most telling atti tude of effective communicators is their sense of joy - not just a temporary h appine ss or a practiced, in terpersonal warmth, b ut a jo yfulnes s that seems to come fr om de ep w ithin. Us u a ll y these ind i v id u a ls h ave lived a w hile , they h ave m a n aged to surv i ve and accept some oflife's tragedies, a n d st ill , they h ave chosen to embrace the beauty a n d mystery oflife.
You kno w w hen yo u 'v e bee n in the i r presence, for the y us u a ll y make yo u fee l c a lm , rel axed, a n d trusting. Just as certain animals can sense fear in some people a n d lo ve in others, y ou c a n fee l the att itude o f joyfulness in these ind i vi duals . At s uch times, words reall y do n 't matter a ll that much.
Wi t hout these positi ve atti tudes s h aping a n d influencin g the communication process, mo st communication s kills training is wasted. Ultim ate l y, the he art is more important than the head .
1.5 Communication Skills for Your Life
Before we actuall y begi n learning abo ut the concepts a n d s kills o f effective pub li c s pe a kin g, let's spend a few moments exam i n i ng yo ur personal communication li fe, beca use h ow y ou communicate interper s onall y lays the foundation for y our attitude a n d s kill s in pub lic speaking . Effective pub lic speakin g must be a u d ience centered.
There h ave been ind i v id u a ls w ho we re powerful, persuasive pub li c speaker s. They coul d command the atte ntion of hund re ds of people w ith their words a lo ne . Their re lations hip w ith t he a u d ience was impre ss i ve, as the masses swayed i n uni son to their every wo r d.
But t h eir re lations hip w ith the a u d ience was n ' t necessaril y ind icative o f their re lations hips w ith ind i v id ual s in the i r personal lives. Some of these outstanding pub li c speake r s h ad miserab le personal li ves, rac ke d w ith pain, emptiness, a n d longing. Their great speakin g s kill s could i mpress hundreds in the a udience b ut co ul d do v er y li ttle to bridge the g ul f between themse l ves a n d t ho se w ho shoul d h ave m attered- fa mil y a n d fr iends .
In this boo k, yo u will learn skills and concepts that w ill help yo u speak effective l y to an a u d ience. But befo re y ou run out a n d book speaking engagements, we need to begin w ith a b rie f d is cuss ion on a topic t h at is enormous l y important to yo ur life - y our interpersonal communication impact on others. Every time y ou tal k w i t h so meone , y ou either enla r ge or d iminish that person by yo ur i nteraction. Suppose that y ou a nd another person are enga.ged in casual con v ersation for a few minute s and then y ou say goodbye . As y ou walk away from t h at ind i v idual, ho w are
you fee ling? What kind of emotional impact did he have on you? Maybe he had a diminishing impact, and you say to yourse lf, "Yuck! I'm g lad to be away from that negative, depress i ng guy. l was fee ling a ll right before l tal ked with him." Perhaps he didn't have any noticeab le effect on you, and you're say i ng, "l wonder where l parked that darn car of mine." Or, just maybe, his impact on you was enlarging, and you're exclaiming,"! fe l t pretty down before l talked with him, and now l feel better. The wor ld doesn't look as depressing as it did just a few minutes ago."
Do others enlarge or diminish you? Don't count the neutral impact as a third category, because neutral i mpact is similar to a negati v e i mpact. So clump those two together into the "diminish" category. lfyou still want three categories, that's okay. The discussion will work either way.
Remember that communication is a process, and your past history, your state of mind, your physical condition, and a host of other factors come i nto p lay here. And yet u l timate l y, you have an impact on others every time you interact. You e i ther enlarge or diminish another person by your interactions. With every word, sound, gesture, expression, g lance, movement, pause, and touch you share with another person, she is c h anged in ways that are both subtle and striking.
There are six specific ways you can enlarge others by your interpersonal communication with them: not taking communication so personall y, listening without verbal listening reflective l y, complimenting others, reframing, and
Not Tailing Communication So Personally
Most of us listen to what others say i n terms of h ow it affects us personall y. We ask questions such as the fo ll owing: ls that right or wrong (from my point of view)? How does that affect me? What does the speaker think or feel about me? How do /fee l about what was shared? How do I respond? With a ll of these questions, did you notice w h ere the focus of attention was? It was on our response, our eval uation, our point of v iew- in short, we take center stage; everything revo l ves around us. We take it a ll so personally.
That's not necessaril y a bad thing. We need to evaluate the mer i ts of a sales presentation, we need to form an opinion of our new manager, and we need to check our emotional response in a confl ict situation. But to overemphasize a se lf-centered approach to a ll communicat ion is not heal thy. We need to deve lop the ability to suspend judgment when listening to another person. We need to deve lop the art of psycholog ical and emotional disengagement- to take our ego out of gear once i n a while. Wh en we a l ways take what is said personall y, we get h ooked into many unnecessary arguments, conflicts ,
and struggles.
We can alter our lives simply by altering our attitudes ofmind.
- W I LLI AM )AMES
An effective technique that can he l p yo u to d isen gage yo ur e go, and not take everything t h at is said so personall y, is to as k these q ue stio n s w hen yo u 're listening to s omeone e lse:
What i s thi s p e r son 's point of view>
What does this s a y a bout thi s person?
How i s thi s person feeling>
Wher e i s thi s p erson coming from>
How does thi s person see the situation>
Who i s thi s person>
Did yo u notice the differe nt foc u s of attention ? No longer do we take center stage . The speake r is the focus of atte n t ion - her point of vie w, her feelings, her frame of reference, her character and personali ty. We' re not taking in a ll that is said in terms of ho w it affects u s. We are broadening our perspective to include the one w ho is tal king. We h ave concentrated on the speaker, and, co n seq uentl y, we h ave a lso distanced ourse l ves from her . We a re not takin g he r communic at ion s o personall y.
The ab ility not to take communication personall y i s the first step in effective communication- to be ab le to he ar w h at the other person is sayin g w ithout a screen of se lf-ce ntere d question s fi l tering and cloudi ng w h at is be ing said. Wi thout this ab ility, communic at ion w ith other s will be s uper fic ial and o ften defe n s i ve. Without this ab il i ty, we will be he a ring onl y the echoes of our o wn mind, instead of the thoughts and fee lings o f t he othe r perso n .
Listening Without Ver/Jal Interruption
Now that we c an a ccep t w h at is be ing said from a n othe r-ce n tered point of vie w, we can begin to liste n w ithout verbal interruption- t he ab ili ty to be s ilent for a period of time w h en someone e lse is speaking.
Did yo u know that w hen we are tal king w ith a nother person, we ve rb a ll y i nterrupt the other person every 12 seconds? Eve r y 12 seconds! "T h at's wonderful!" "Th at ' s terrib le !" "I'm s ure !" "I'm a ll.. ." "T h at reminds me of a t ime w hen I..." "If I were you, I wo u ld ... " "No, t h at's not tr u e, becau se ... " "We ll , it was even worse for me , be c a u se L. " An d the i nterruptions go on a n d on. Eve r y 12 sec onds. Back a n d forth. On and on we interrupt.
And we wonder why we don't fee l like we've been really li stened to, reall y taken serious l y, reall y understood at a deep level. Because of the constant i nterruptions and judgments, advice and direction, we real ize there is no safe harbor to simpl y say what's on our minds and in our hearts without being interrupted from a ll sides every 12 seconds. Maybe that expl ains why we pay certain people $100to $150 an hour to just sit quietly and li sten to us in therapy.
One of the most enl arging behaviors we can share with another person is to l isten without verbal evaluation- without interrupting every 12 seconds ! What an oasis that woul d be. Perhaps the most l oving thing we can do for another human being is to listen quietl y, deepl y, without interruption.
The next time your spouse, your child, or a neighbor begins tal king with you, ask yourse lf the question, "Shoul d l give this person 12 seconds before l interrupt, or shoul d l al l ow 120 seconds?" If you wear a watch with a sweep second hand, time yourse lf, as l ong as you can do so without being too obvious. See what happens if you remain silent for two entire minutes! Many times, the other person won't even notice your silence and will continue tal king. Other times, he might ask, "ls someth i ng wrong?" or "Are you a ll right?" Such questions coul d be indicators that the other person is accustomed to your interruptions. Don't fee l bad. Just respond by saying, "Everything is fine. I just think what you're saying is important, and l didn't want to interrupt you."
ListeningReflectively
In addition to not taking communication too personall y and listening without verbal interruption, another enlarging communication behavior is to listen reflectively. To l isten reflectively means to mirror back to the speaker what he is saying. ft is better to ask some oftile questions than to know all tile answers.
- JAMES THURBER
When you are l istening to someone, think in terms of "What is this person trying to communicate to me?" "What is this person saying?" "What is this person feeling?" As you begin to get a sense of exactly what this person is attempting to communicate to you, check it out- reflect or mirror back to the speaker. The simplest way to accompl ish this is to begin your questions with one of the following: "Are you saying... " "l hear you saying... " "You think... "
"You beli eve... "
"Are you feeling "
"Your point i s ... "
"Do you m e an... "
The se a re simple beg innin gs to yo ur q ue stions, b ut they w ill change the entire foc u s of your communic ation . Once again, w h ere is t h e atte n t ion d ir ected? You ? Or the other person? Right, th e other person!
There may be a c h a nge in t h e re lations hi p w ith this person if yo u u se reflective li stenin g w ith any frequency. W i th practice, this reflective way oflistening w ill beg in to feel natural, and yo u will notice th at your communic at ion patterns s hi ft from a se lfcentered posture to a more other-centered focus.
Ther e are numerous advan tages of this reflective li stening tec hni q ue. First, it s hi fts the focus from you to the speaker, and it encourages you to not take communication too personally. Ideall y, it w ill a lso force yo u to listen w ithou t verbal judgment. Se cond, reflective listening w ill pro ve to t he speaker th at you care about w h at he is saying. Thi s, in and of i tse lf, is enlargi ng . Third, i t impro ves the acc ur acy of c ommunication. If yo ur reflected statement is in accurate, the speaker can clar ify, explain, or ill ustrate in detail. Fourth, this type o f li stening takes the burden off yo u . No lo nger do you h ave to judge, give adv ice , or so l ve prob lems. You are s impl y act ing as a mirror, reflecting t he other perso n 's im age back to him. Fift h, you provide the speaker wit h a safe h arbor w h ere he can talk and be he ard. It beats paying $100 to $15 0 an hour just to be he ard accurate l y. In Chapt er 7, we w ill examine spec ific ways yo u can li ste n to a speaker more effective ly.
Complimenting Others
Mark Twain once adm i tted, "! can li ve two months on one compli ment. " A s inc e re compli ment no t only fee ls go o d, but i t a lso can give new life to t he person receiving it. We all know the fee li ng of satisfaction, joy, and even i nspiration when a s incere compliment comes o u r way. We love to receive th em, yet we are u suall y guil ty of not g i ving t h em as o fte n as we could.
The fourt h communication skill for your life is that of compli menting others - s h ar ing s ince re praise. The first step in deve loping this s kill is to dec ide to be a so urce of compli ments. Beg in to look for t he best in othe rs. Sure, a ll indivi duals h ave their weak nesses, fa ul ts, and areas for impro vement . Bu t s hift your foc u s of attention a n d in stead see t heir strength s of character , ac hievement, and effort.
Compliment Cltaracter. Th e first type of complim ent is to acknowledge th e in ternal
attractiveness of the person rather than look at h is phys ical appearance . Complimenting character traits is better than compli menting physical traits because character traits do not diminish with age. Such things as kindness , generosity, optimism, gentleness , humor , trustworthiness, empathy, loyal ty, and candor are just a few of the hundreds of character or personality traits you can appreciate and praise. Here are a few character compliments:
"!really appreciate your thoughtfulness. "
"Your trustworthiness makes me feel secure."
'1 like your sense of humor. "
Compliment Achievement. A second form of complimenting is to compliment ach ievement. To do this, you simpl y acknowledge something that a person has accompli shed or realized. The achievement can be as modest as remembering a te lephone number or as monumental as overcoming some phys ical disability. Here are some examples of complimenting achievement:
"Your speech was inspirational. "
"Congr atulat i ons on finish i ng your decorating p r oject!"
' Tm happy you were elected to the city boa r d. "
"G reat job!"
Compliment Effort. You can compliment a person on her effort to achieve some task or goal, e ven if the person was unsuccessful in attaining i t. In US culture , we tend to compliment onl y the winners - those people who finish first and win the trophies. But you can compliment people for the effort the y in vest in a task or project. What' s important is that they tried. It's not the destination but the journe y that matters . Here are some examples of complimenting effort:
' Tm r eally impressed with the effort you put i nto thi s project. "
"!love your determination!"
"You r an a clean and honest race during this election. "
Compliment tile Invisible. The final form of complimenting is a bit unusual. It invo l ves complimenting people on the things they don't do- complimenting the invisib le. There are countless th i ngs people don't do that are worthy of appreciation, yet we rare l y think about those things. Maybe the person doesn ' t swear, chain-smoke, or interrupt constantl y, so te ll him that you appreciate it.
Once you begin to compliment the invisib le, it can be fun and even entertaining. Here are some examples of complimenting the invisib le:
