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CONNECT RELATE MOTIVATE CONNECT RELATE MOTIVATE First publishedas ThePowerofConnection in2018byJohnWiley&Sons Australia,Ltd
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Disclaimer
Thematerialinthispublicationisofthenatureofgeneralcommentonly,and doesnotrepresentprofessionaladvice.Itisnotintendedtoprovidespecific guidanceforparticularcircumstancesanditshouldnotbereliedonasthe basisforanydecisiontotakeactionornottakeactiononanymatterwhich itcovers.Readersshouldobtainprofessionaladvicewhereappropriate,before makinganysuchdecision.Tothemaximumextentpermittedbylaw,theauthor andpublisherdisclaimallresponsibilityandliabilitytoanyperson,arising directlyorindirectlyfromanypersontakingornottakingactionbasedonthe informationinthispublication.
Tothe‘BeautifulOne’.Thankyouforwalkingintomylifeallthose yearsago,and,moreimportantly,thankyouforwalkingbackinto theroomafterourfirst‘spiriteddebate’.Asgoodasithasbeensince 1983,Iknowthattheverybestisyettocome.
Abouttheauthor RikRushtonistheBestSellingAuthorof ThePowerof Connection:Howtobecomeamastercommunicatorinyour workplace,yourheadspaceandatyourplace,andaTEDxSpeaker. HeistheCommunicationCoachandanin-demandkeynote speakeronPeakperformance,leadershipandconnection.
Heisa‘RecognizedAuthority’onbuildinggrowthculturesin elitebusinessandsportsorganizations.Hedrawsonmorethan threedecadesofprofessionalsales,managementandbusiness ownershiptoprovide‘timetested’contentforindividualsand organisationsthataspirefortheirnextlevel.
WhenRikisnotinspiringaudiencesacrossAustralasiaand acrosstheglobe,youwillfindhimwithhiswifeGaiandtheir threechildreninthepristineDandenongRanges,Melbourne.
Acknowledgements It’seasytotracethestepstothisbookcomingtolife,butit’s muchhardertoacknowledgeeverybodythatplayedapartin thisjourney.Whilethebooktookonlyafewmonthstowrite,it isbasedonmanydecadesofconnectingwithothersandgaining thereallifeexperiencesthataredocumentedwithinthesepages.
Thiswasaprojectonmymental‘todolist’formorethan twentyyearsbutitwasatwenty-minuteconversationata conferenceIwashostinginHamiltonIsland,whereitfinally crystalised.ThankyoutoMattChurchforprovidingthe missingpieceofthepuzzle, S.A.M.IAM,Istillhavethe coasteryouwrotethatdiagramon.Fromthatmoment,my businessmanager,Katie,ensuredIkeptthewritingcomingand challengedmetogetthedailywordcounttoher,aswellas providingsupportandencouragementthroughoutthewhole process.
Oncethemanuscriptwascompleted,Isentacopytomy friendandcelebratedUKauthorPaulMcGeeforhisreview. TwoweekslaterhecontactedmetoaskifIhadactually writtenthebookpersonallyorifithadbeenwrittenforme professionally.Itookitfromthatcuriouslineofquestioning thatithadsurprisedhiminapositiveway;apointheclarifiesin
hisforeword.WithoutPaul’sconnectiontothisproject,Idoubt itwouldhavegonemuchfurther,buthisintroductiontoWiley Australiaprovedthevitalpiecetothispublishingpuzzle.
Ihavebeensofortunatetoconnectandcollaboratewith thecreativeteamatWiley.ThankyoutoLucyRaymond forchallengingmetotakea goodbook andmakeita great read! ThankstoJemBates,IngridBondandChrisShortenfor tighteningupthewordsandputtingtherealpolishonthebook, andtoTheoVassiliforhisastuteandvaluablemarketingideas. Ioweadebtofgratitudeandhaveadeeperappreciationforthe powerofpublishingfromworkingwiththisoutstanding group.
Sothat’stheshort-termacknowledgements,butthisbookhas itslong-termrootsdatingbacktomyprimaryschoolyears.I actuallylikedwritingshortstoriesandneverstruggledtofind topicstopen!Thedisruptiontoourfamilyunitbackthen andmyjourneythroughthatpainfultimegavememorethan enoughinspirationandmotivationtodocumentthelessons learnedtoday.TothatendIhavetothankmybigbrother for‘takingmein’afterourmotherre-married,andpractically raisingmeandcontinuingtoeducatemeontheimportant disciplinesoflife,withnonemoreimportantthantoalwayssay pleaseandthankyou.
Mybrotherwasmyherogrowingupandinmanywayshe stillistoday,andtogetherwithGeoffEverett,Ihadthetwo mostimportantmalerolemodelsinmylifeatatimewhenI neededthemthemost.Atthistime,Ialsometmybestfriend Louis,whoismy‘otherbrother’.Hehasalwaysbeenoneofmy biggestcheerleaders,inpartnershipwithmybrotherandGeoff. Whetherthatbeprofessionallyorpersonally,thesethreemen knowexactlywhattosayanddoandexactlywhentosayanddo it.Iloveourweeklychatsandlaughter.
My‘workplace’changedsignificantlyin1993whenIwas askedtosharemysuccessstrategieswithourcompany’swider salesteam.IpreparedforthesetalksknowingIhadonlythree yearsofexperiencewhilemanyoftheprofessionalsIwas presentingtoboastedthreedecades.Thatdaystartedmy professionalspeakingcareerandhasallowedmetoconnect withlike-mindedprofessionalsthroughoutAustralasiaand globally.Thankyoutoallofmyprofessionalconnections,fellow businessowners,trainers,speakers,collaboratorsandstudents thathavemadeupmyaudiencesoverthejourney,givingmethe chancetosharewhatIknow,learnanddomymostrewarding work!
TomymentorsincludingmybeautifulgodmotherJudy Parkinson,PatMulligan (‘nothingismoreimportantthan family’),ChrisBell,GeorgeHateley,TonyRobbins,DrDenis Waitley,DrStephenCovey,DavidKnox,BobWolff,John McGrathandthelate,greatJimRohn,Iwrotethisbookinpart tohonouryouallandtocontinuetoshareyourwisdom.ForJim Rohninparticular,hemademepromiseIwouldwriteatleast onebookwhenthetimewasright;knowingthatwouldleadto followupones,andIhopeMrRohn’spredictionofabookseries comestofruition.AccordingtoJim,‘ThemagicwasthatIwrote 5books…themysterywas,whydidn’tIwrite25?’Hetoldme thatsometimesthebookandtimingchoosetheauthor,andthat wascertainlythecaseforme.
Finally,Ineedtoacknowledgethemostimportantpersonin mylife.Thisbookaccomplishmentisnosurprisetomybeautiful wife,Gai,whotellsmesheknewIhadatalentforwritingfrom theveryfirstletterIpennedtoherwaybackintheearly1980s. Shehaskepteverynote,cardandletterIwrotetoher.We havealsowrittenaprettyspecialstorytogetherinthewider journeyoflife.Hercontributionstoourstorycontinuetoshine at‘ourplace’withourthreeamazingkids,Lockey,Chrisand Amelia.Wecouldnotloveyouthreemoreandweareproud
ofthepeopleyouareandwhoyouarebecoming.Iknowthere aremoreexcitingchaptersofloveandlaughterforustowrite together.Iwilllookforwardtorecordingthemagicmoments thatwillhappenat‘ourplace’intheyearsahead. Theverybestis yettocome.
Foreword Fromthemomentwetakeourfirstbreathtothemomentwe die,weareinsomewaycommunicatingwiththeworldaround us.Forallthepracticeweget,though,notallofusarethatgood atit.Agreed?
Butthereareexceptions.Youjusthappentobereadingabook writtenbyoneofthoseexceptions.RikRushton.He’sanexpert onthesubjectofcommunication.
Nowhavingbeentoafewkaraokebars,Irealiseknowingthe wordstoasongdoesn’tmakeyouagreatsinger.Likewise,being anexpertonyourtopicdoesn’tmakeyouagreatcommunicator. Butyoucanrelax.Rikisbothanexpertandsomeonewho hastheabilitytocommunicatehisexpertiseinaneloquent, enlighteningandengagingway.
WhenRiksentoverthemanuscriptandaskedmetowritethe foreword,Iwashonoured.I’llbehonestwithyouthough,Iwas alsoextremelybusy.SoIdecidedIwouldreadmostofthebook andsimplyscantherest.
ButIdidn’t.Ireaditall.Everysingleword.Yousee,that’sRik’s skill.Throughhisstorytellingandhiseasyandaccessiblewriting stylehedrawsyouintothesubject.
Asyou’lldiscover,someofRik’sinsightsarenotonly profound,butalsodeeplypersonal.Trustme,ifyoudon’tknow Rikwhenyoustartreadingthebook,you’llfeellikeyoudoby thetimeyoufinish.
Now,I’mfortunate.IknowRikbothasacolleagueanda friend.We’vespokenatconferencestogether.Iknowhisfamily. I’vestayedathishome.I’veevenbondedwithhisdogs,Tedand Ferris!SocanIletyouinonasecret?Hewalkshistalk.What youseeiswhatyouget.Onstageoroff,you’llmeetthesame man.Andthat’simportanttoknow.Theinsightsandwisdom you’llgainfromreadingthisbookarebornofcharacterand experience—they’renotjustabunchofuntriedorunproven ideasandtechniques.Believeme,thisguypractiseswhathe preaches.
What’sreallyexcitingisthattheideasinthisbookhavethe potentialtochangelives.Theyhavethepowertochangethe qualityofyourrelationshipsbothinandoutsidetheworkplace. Thatmeanswithyourchildren,yourpartner,yourfamily,your neighbours,aswellasyourcolleaguesandclients.Butfirstyou havetodosomethingwithwhatyoulearnhere.
Rikhasplayedhispartinhelpingyouonyourjourney.Now it’suptoyou.Idareyoutotakeactiononjustoneoftheideas youdiscoverinthepagesthatfollow.Trustme,itwillmakea positivedifferenceonyourroadtosuccess—whateversuccess looksliketoyou.
IsincerelyhopeyougainasmuchfromreadingthisbookasI did.Enjoy!
PaulMcGee—TheSUMOGuywww.theSUMOguy.com
Introduction Itis notwhatyoudothatdeterminestheoutcomesinyourlife. It’s whoyouare.Becauseultimately,whoyouaredetermines whatyoudo.Ifyou’rea giver inthegameoflife,youractions confirmthis.Ifyou’rea taker,thesameruleapplies.Ifyouenter relationshipswithotherstoseewhatyoucantakefromthat relationship,youractionsrevealthis.Ifyou’resomeonewho makesaconnectionthinkingonlyaboutwhatyoucangiveto therelationship,you’reoneofthoserareindividualswhogains everything fromtheexchange.
WHOYOU ARE SPEAKSLOUDERTHANANYTHING YOUCANSAY.
Connection isthekeywordhere.Ashumanbeings,our connections,orrelationships,areformedthroughourabilityto communicate.Thequalityofourlifeisthereforedirectlylinked tothequalityofourrelationships.Andweneedtoknowhow tocommunicatebetterifwearetoformdeeperconnections withothers,aswellaswithourselves.
Communicationisoneofthemostpuzzlingparadoxesof ourtime.Weliveinahyper-connectedworld:moreplugged in,tunedinandturnedonthaneverbefore.Yetsocial scientistsconfirmthatmoreandmorepeoplefeelisolated
anddisconnectedfromtheircommunitiesandeventheirown families.Theyfeeloverworked,underpaid,misunderstood, isolated.Despitebeing‘intouch’24/7,manypeoplefeel disengagedanddisillusioned.
Thisbookoffersaroadmapforleaderswhowanttoharness thepowerofcommunicationtoinfluencetheirteamsand clients,forparentswhoseekbetterrelationshipswiththeir kids,andforeveryonewhodesiresdeeperandmorefulfilling connectionswiththosearoundthem.
Businessleadersknowallaboutthestruggletoengageand empoweraworkforcethatclocksinthenchecksout(Icall thisthe workplacechallenge).Howwethinkasindividuals determineshowwefeelandcommunicatethroughourpersonal self-talk(thisisthe headspacechallenge).Finally,parentsknow thechallengesofconnectingwithteenagerswhotextbetterthan theytalk(thisisanexampleofthe yourplacechallenge).This bookdeliversproactivesolutionstoenhancedcommunication ineachofthesethreecriticaldomains—solutionsthatareas vitalforbusinessleadersasforparentsorthoseseekingcloser, morelovingrelationships.
ThePowerofConnection presentsafreshapproachto tacklingmoderncommunicationchallenges,writtenfortoday’s time-poorreader,easilyconsumedinonesitting(oneflight) oronenight!Ittakesaholisticapproachtoprofessionaland personalcommunicationthatwillbeasignificantsupportin your‘workplace’,your‘headspace’and‘yourplace’.
Improvingourcommunicationskillsisafasttracktosuccess ineveryareaofourlives.Wecanimproveourmindsetthrough positiveself-talk.Themostimportantrelationshipyou’llever haveisyourconnectionwithyou!Thewayyoudescribeyourself inthoseconversationsyouhavewiththelittlevoiceinsideyour headthousandsoftimesadaydetermineshowyourelateto andactintheoutsideworld.Deeperconnectionswiththose xviii
closeto you—family,friends,workcolleagues,pets,petrocks ifthat’stheextentofyoursocialgroup—areformedthrough yourqualitycommunications,firstwithyourselfandthenwith others.Communicationisan insideoutjob.
Myaiminwritingthisbookistoprovideyouwith communicationtoolsthatwillimproveeveryareaofyourlife, astheyhavemine.Thisisnotjustaboutthewordsyouuse, whichareonlyoneaspectofyourcommunication.Non-verbal communicationisjustasimportant.Anexplorationofthe PowerofConnectionshouldbeginwithanunderstandingofthe firstkeypoint:
EVERYTHINGCOMMUNICATESSOMETHINGABOUT US…THEVERBALANDTHENON-VERBAL. Ithasbeenmyexperiencethatpeopleengagelesswithyour wordsthanwithyourenergyindeliveringthem.It’syour personalvibethatattractsyourtribe.
WhenImeetsomeoneforthefirsttime,Ifindmyself automaticallyassessingtheirenergy:dotheycomeacrossas positive,negativeorneutral?Icanthenquickly‘jointhe dots’fromtheirdailyhabits.Howtheythinkdetermineshow theyfeel,whichdetermineshowtheyexpresstheirthoughts andfeelingsthroughthewordsandactionsoftheirdaily communication.
AuthorWillDurantsummeduponeofAristotle’steachings as,‘Wearewhatwerepeatedlydo.Excellence,then,isnotan act,butahabit.’Itisperhapsnotsurprisingthatanancient Greekphilosopherwhosenamecanbetranslatedas‘thebest purpose’shouldprovideuswithsuchatimelessdefinitionof habit,passeddownthroughtheagesforalmost2500years.Itis thecumulativeeffectofourdailyactionsthatformthesehabits. AsmymentorJimRohnsoregularlytoldme,‘Successisafew smalldisciplinesrepeatedeveryday.’
Thepeople Iknow—thoseIamluckyenoughtoassociate withandmentor,andthoseIamevenmorefortunatetohave aspersonalmentorsandfriends—shareasimilarglow.Under thelawofattraction,likeattractslike.Ifyouareseekinggreater successinyourlife,youneedtofindwaystoimproveyour verbalandnon-verbalcommunicationskillstoattractmore like-mindedpeople.
Success,ineveryrealmofyourlife,isnotasoloperformance; itcomesfromengagingwithotherpeople,andit’snosurprise thatthosewithsuperiorcommunicationskillsachievehigher levelsofsuccess.
ALLSUCCESSISBASEDONYOURABILITYTO CONNECT. Connectionisapillarthatsupportseverysuccessfulpersonand pursuitIhaveeverresearchedinmylife!Therearenosuccessful hermits.
ItisimportanttoacknowledgethatwhenItalkofsuccess, I’mtalkingaboutmuchmorethanfinancialprosperity.Ihave thegreatgoodfortunetocoachmanyindividualswhoby anystandardwouldbeconsideredfinanciallyindependent.Yet manyofthemareunhappy;theyfeelunfulfilledandwonder whetherthereisn’tmoretolife.Theycanbuyanythingthey want,exceptadayoff(giventheyareworkaholics),aloving relationshipand/ormagicwiththeirchildren.
IknowotherpeoplewholiveonStruggleStreet,challenged economicallyonadailybasis,livingfromweektoweek,forced torelyonothers’support.Yetthesesameindividualsoftenhave strongrelationshipswiththeirchildrenandareraisingpolite, passionateandrespectfulkids,teachingthemstrongvaluesthat willstandthemingoodsteadinthegameoflife.
Ofthesetwogroups,whoisthemoresuccessful?Isitthe personwhohasunlockedthecodetofinancialsuccess,or isitthepersonwhohasunlockedthecodetodevelopinga specialrelationshipwiththeirfamily?Ofcourseitdepends onwhateachpersonvaluesmost.Ourwealthyindividualmay acknowledgethatmoneyisn’teverything,yetforthemit’sright uptherewithoxygen.Ourparentinggeniusmaydeclare,‘No amountofmoneycanreplacetherelationshipIhavewithmy children,andbythatmeasureIhavewealthbeyondcounting.’ It’shardtoargueagainsteitherofthesepositions.
Weallknowthattherearemanypiecestothepuzzleoflife.All themoneyintheworldcannotbuybackyourgoodhealth,nor canitimproveyourmindset—onitsown.Yetitisimportant toacknowledgethatwhilemoneycan’tbuyeverything,itcan provideyouwithvaluableresourcesandchoicesinthepursuit ofsuccess.
Forme,ultimatesuccessisachievedwhen whatyoudoon adailybasismeetsyourhighestvalues.Iampassionateabout holisticsuccess.AndIwanttoconvinceyouthatyoucanhaveit all,improvingallareasofyourlife—startingwithyourability tocommunicate.
Imustadmittowritingthisbookforpurelyselfishreasons. Nottheobviousonesyoumightthinkof,suchaswantingtobe apublishedauthorortopositionmyselfasaplatformspeaker. I’vewrittenenougharticlesasacoachtosatisfythe‘author’bug, andhavespokenbeforeconferencecrowdsandaudiencesof thousandssince1995,soIhavelongsincefulfilledthatneed.
Moreimportantly,Iamwritingtoeducateourgrand-children (whoareyettobeborn)inthesamewaymywifeandIwould liketothinkwehavetaughtourthreechildrenaroundthe principlesofqualitycommunication.Intime,wefullyexpectto
Motivate
becomethe ‘funkygrandparents’wealwaysimaginedwewould be,andIwanttodocumenttheseideaswhileIhavethetimeto prepareforthisultimaterole.
Ourgrandchildrenwillbebornintoaverydifferentworld, andweseeourroleasgrandparentsastoensuretheyhave theskillstocommunicateeffectivelyintheexciting,fast-paced worldtheywillinherit.Wewillsharewiththemthatraw personalmomentyouwillreadaboutfromtheveryfirstwords ofchapter1.Theywilllearnwhy,nexttoloveandsecurity, communicationisthemostvitalpillartosuccessfulfamilyand workrelationships.
Ifnothingelse,thisbookwillbealastingreminderfor myfamily,andhopefullyforyours,ofthepowerofquality communication.Myhopeisthatfromreadingthestories they,andyou,willlearnmoreabouthowdevelopingbetter communicationandconnectionskillsleadstoabetterquality oflife.
Qualitycommunicationisalifetimestudy.Let’snowexplore togetherthesmallimprovementsthatcanmakethebiggest differenceinyourlifethroughimprovingyourabilityto communicate.
CHAPTER1 Rulesof engagement ‘Whereareyougoing?Ihaven’tfinishedyet.Getback here—weneedtotalkthisthrough!’
Ican’trememberthecatalystforourfirstargument,butIcan rememberclearlythewaymyfiancéecalmlylefttheroom.It wasthefirst‘spiriteddebate’wehadexperiencedinourfive-year relationship.ItwasamysterytomewhyGaiwouldwalkaway andleavethematterunresolved.I’mnotsurewhetherIwas moreangryaboutourdisagreementorhercalmexit.Shouldn’t thesituationstirupamoreemotionalresponseonherpart?
Inthedoorwayhergentlevoicespokevolumes:‘I’llspeak withyouwhenyou’rereadytostopyellingandstarttalking.’ ‘I’mreadynow!’ Iyelledback.
‘Clearlyyou’renot,’shewhisperedasshequietlylefttheroom.
NotthatIknewitthen,butthetimealonehelpedmeto achieveamajorbreakthroughthatwouldaffectnotonlymy communicationwiththepersonIlovedmorethanlifeitself,but mywidercommunicationfromthatdayforward.
Oncommunicationfailure Howcouldtwopeoplewhohadsomuchincommonbeso farapartintheirthinking?Thinkingabouteverythingwewere abouttoembarkoninthecomingyear,includingexchanging vowsinfrontofourrespectivefamiliesandclosefriends, Iwonderedwhetheritmightbehardtomakealifetime commitmenttoeachotherifthefirstsignoftroublesawoneof usretreatingfromtheroom.Wehadonlyrecentlygotengaged andalreadyIcouldnotimaginemylifewithouther,butI wasperplexedbyhowtoresolvewhatseemedlikeaserious communicationproblem.
Eventhen,inthatuneasymoment,Ididnotquestionour relationship,justthemannerinwhichwecommunicatedwith eachother,especiallyintimesofstressandchallenge.Inthe manyyearsaheadofuscircumstanceswouldsurelyconspireto putusinaplaceofconflict,andwewouldneedabetterway ofresolvingthesedifferencesthanevidencedinourfirstpoor attempt.
Howcouldweholdsuchopposingviewsonthesame situation?Wesharedsomuch—including,asIwillde-scribe, surprisinglycomparableupbringings—thattheideaoftotal disagreementonanysubjectatthisstageinourrelationshipwas hardformetoaccept.Untilthatpointwehadseemedtoagree oneverythingimportant.Infact,whatwehadexperiencedwas notsomuchadisagreementasacommunicationfailure.
GaiandIareboththesecondyoungestoffivechildren.Ihave abrotherandthreesisters.Shehasasisterandthreebrothers. Bothourmotherswereadopted.Bothwerenursesincountry
towns.Bothourfatherswereblue-collarworkers,menwho possessedahigherintellectthantheirmenialjobsrequired. Bothourfathersputtheirlifeambitionsonholdtoprovide securehomesfortheirfamilies,tofeedandclotheandprovide fortheirchildrenasbesttheycould.Inbothhouseholdsthe weeklypaychequedidnotstretchtotheendoftheweek.
Weknowthatbothofourfatherswenttoworkunder sufferance.Attheendoftheworkingdaytheywouldeachrepair totheirlocaldrinkingestablishment(aschancewouldhaveit, lessthanfivekilometresapart)andthecompanyoflike-minded mates.Theydidn’tgotothepubto‘talkthrough’their problems;theywenttoescapethem.ItwastheAustralianway. Afterafewhoursofdrowningtheirsorrowstheywouldreturn homeandtakeouttheirpersonalfrustrationsonthepersonthey sawasthesourceoftheirproblems—ourrespectivemothers. Afterall,astheysawit,theirwivesweretheoneswhohadfallen pregnantandstartedafamilytheythenhadtosupport,thereby denyingthemthechancetopursuetheirowndreamsinlife.The volatilemixofalcoholandpersonalfrustrationmoreoftenthan notsawordinaryargumentsleadtophysicalviolence.
Ihadassumed,wrongly,that,aslongasIdidnotfollow myfather’sexampleofresortingtophysicalviolenceduring anargument,Icouldjustifymyfitoftemper.ClearlyIwas mistaken.Ithoughtasa student ofmyenvironment,asopposed toa product ofit,Iunderstoodtherightapproachtosuccessful communicationwithmyfuturewife.Mistakenumbertwo!
Growingupwithdifferent communicationrules Whatbecameobviousoncewehadreunitedanhourlaterwas thatdespiteallthesimilaritieswithrespecttoourparents, siblingsandlifeexperiences,wehadactuallygrownupwithvery
differentruleswhenitcametohandlingdisputes.Itwas imperativethatwetalkthroughthesedifferencesandproduce aplanthatwecoulduseinanyfutureconflicts.Partofthatplan hadtobetobuilda‘realitybridge’betweenourtwoupbringings.
Inourhousehold,ifIhadadisputewithmybrotherorsisters wehadtostayintheroomforaslongasittooktoresolve thematter.Nomatterhowloudweyelledorhowphysicalour bodylanguagegot(solongasnoblowswereexchanged),our parentsallowedustoresolvethedisputewithouttheirpassing judgement.(Itwasaclassiccaseof‘doasIsay,notasIdo’onmy father’spart.)Oncetheargumentwassortedandwehadleftthe room,thedisputewasneverraisedagain.Thiswasoneofour houserules,andIcametoassumethatthiswashowallfamilies settledtheirdifferences.ButIwasabouttoshareahomewith someonewhoplayedbydifferentrules.
InGai’sfamily,onceadisputewithasiblingreachedapoint of‘raisedvoices’,therulewasthatonepartyleavetheroomand thattheyrevisitthedisputelaterwhencalmerheadsprevailed. Thiswasaforeignconcepttome.
Whenshehadexplainedthistome,asshedidsoclearlyand calmlyanhouraftermyoutburst,Irealisedthatwhilewehada commongoalofresolvingtheargument,wehadverydifferent ideasofhowtogetthere.Iquicklyshiftedmythinkingaway from‘judging’herapproachtounderstandingherpointofview thatnothingpositivecanbegainedfromanger.Gaibelieved thatonceyouremoveyourselffromaconflict,yougiveyourself thespaceandtimetothinkthroughthesituationandarriveat abettersolution.Itwasobviousthatourapproachesconflicted andweremutuallyexclusive.Whentensionsarosebetweenus, IfollowedarulethatIhadobservedandfollowedallmylife. Putsimply,Ichosetostayintheroomandpleadmycase passionately,andinsistonaresolutionbeforeleavingit.Again,
inmythinking,solongasIdidnotgetphysicallyviolentIwas notdoinganythingwrong.
Gai,inturn,wasfollowingtheconflictresolutionhandbook thatshehadusedallofherlife.Ididn’tknowthatmyyelling brokeoneofherrules.Infact,inherthinking,shoutingat someonewasjustasabhorrentasphysicalviolence,whichI hadincorrectlyassumedwasthereal‘lineinthesand’.She wasalsounawarethatleavingtheroombeforethematterwas resolvedbrokeoneofmyrules.Bywalkingoutshewastelling meshedidnotvaluemyopinionorrespectmyfeelings,whereas inherthinkingshelefttheroombecauseshe did careabout myfeelings.Clearly,byfollowingourownpersonalrulesof engagementwewereeachunknowinglycommunicatingina mannerthatsuggestedwedidnotcareabouttheother.
Ifnotforthisnewinsightintothedifferencesinour upbringing,Iamfairlycertainthatourrelationshipwould havegonethewayofsomanymarriagesintheWestern world,wheredivorceisalltoocommon.Wedeterminedto setourownhouserulestoavoidthatoutcome.Growing upinahostilehomehadcausedusbothimmensepain aschildren,andwewerecommittedtosparingourown childrensuchafateatallcosts.(Iwasalwaysaforward thinker.)Anhourbefore,wehadbeenfollowingopposing communicationrules.Now,thinkingcalmly,wewereableto setnewrulesofengagementforourrelationshipfromthat dayon.
Recogniseruleschallenges Laterthatexperiencegotmethinking.Whydidsomany marriagesendindivorce?Mybestguessatthetimewasthat, asinourownrelationship,mostcouplesweredrawntogether byattractionalone.Whetheraphysicalattraction,personality
attraction,statusattractionorsimplyCupid’sarrow,these relationshipsareinitiallybasedontheattractivenessofthe other.Andintheearlystagesoftherelationshipwetendtopass overanyperceivedfaultsournewchosenpartnersmayreveal. Wehavetheexpectationthatintime,iftheytrulyloveus,they willfallmoreinlinewithourthinkingandmakethenecessary adjustments.
Onceromancegiveswaytofamiliarity,however,wetend tonoticemorehowourpartner’sbehaviourbreachesruleswe holddear.Thechallengeisthatourpartnerwillbeobliviousto thesebreaches.Indeed,theywon’tevenknowtheserulesexist. Icametobelievethatmostrelationshipchallengeswere‘rules challenges’.Theproblem,asIsawit,wasthatmostcoupleswere using‘theforce’tocommunicatetheserulesandexpectingtheir partnertopossess‘Jedithinking’tosensetheshiftsintheforce andbehaveaccordingly.
Isawthisfirsthandwithmyparents.
‘WHAT’STHEMATTER?’
This,frommyfather,waspartquestionbuttypicallymore statementorchallenge.
‘NOTHING.’
Wouldbemymother’sterseanswer.
‘ITMUSTBE SOMETHING!’
Hewasasleuth,mydad.
‘IFYOUREALLYLOVEDMEYOUWOULDKNOWTHE ANSWER!’
Buthereallydidn’t‘know’and,evenifhedid,Idoubthehad theemotionalintelligencetomakearealconcessionandengage inapositivedialoguetofindamutualresolution.
Sadlyformyparentsandourfamily,theyusuallydidnot knowtheanswerstotheirrelationshipquestions,nordid
