The Normalisation of Cyprus’ Partition Among Greek Cypriots: Political Economy and Political Culture in a Divided Society 1st ed. Edition Gregoris Ioannou
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Love like you are going to lose everything, even if it ruins your life.
SYNOPSIS
Each book in this series is written so that they may be read as a standalone; however, we do recommendthat youreadthis book afterCockedHammer. It is not necessary to fully enjoy or understandthisstory,though.
I’d chased his memories for so longthat this was justanother far cryto keep mysanity. No good ever came from chasing ghosts, though, and having that knowledge should have kept my feet firmly planted. It didn’t. Quite the opposite, Iranas fastas myfeetwould carryme into the shadows ofhis pastonlyto find mystupid heartwas justanaddictfeigningfor one lasthit he was myhighesthigh and mylowest low, and Ilied to myselfto remainstandinginhis world for a little while longer. We bothknew Ididn’tbelong,butitdidn’tstopusfromusingeachother tomakeitthroughuntil nexthigh. Ineededanescape,andhesoughtasafehaven.
The thingaboutghosts was theyappeared to youwhenyouleastexpected them, and youcouldn’t runfromsomeonewhodidn’treallyexist.
ROYALBASTARDSCODE
PROTECT: The club and your brothers come before anything else, and must be protected at all costs.CLUBisFAMILY.
RESPECT: Earn it & Give it. Respect club law. Respect the patch. Respect your brothers. Disrespectamember andtherewill behell topay.
HONOR: Beingpatched inis anhonor, not a right. Your colors are sacred, not to be left alone, andNEVERletthemtouchtheground.
OL’LADIES: Never disrespectamember’sor brother’sOl’Lady.PERIOD.
HONESTY: Never LIE,CHEAT,or STEALfromanother member or theclub.
TERRITORY: Youaretorespectyour brother’spropertyandfollow their Chapter’sclubrules.
TRUST: Yearstoearnit...secondstoloseit.
NEVERRIDEOFF: Brothersdonotabandontheir family.
My boyfriend rubbed the sleep from his eyes, rolling over as he pressed his lips to my forehead.“Morning,beautiful.”Hesmiled.
Whenhe breathed inward, Idid the same, lettingmynose inhale the lingeringscent fromthe cologne he had dabbed on his neck last night. Being with himwas just as easy today as it was at the beginning of our relationship. Life with Malcomnever felt forced or made things harder. Us being together made absolutely no sense to the judgmental assholes who often voiced their unwantedopinions.As soonas people’s eyes weresetonhim,Iwas certaintheyenvisionedsomeone differentas his girlfriend Ididn’tfittoday’s standards ofhavingthe perfectbodytype accordingto their thoughts. Where his tattooed-covered skin was toned and fit, mine was softer and definitely more curvaceous. The thing was, I’d never lived up to society’s standards in spite of my outward appearance.Infact,Imadeitapointtogoagainstthegrain,sotospeak,as ofteninlifeas Iwas able. SomemightsayIwasarebel ofsorts;others theoneswhoweren’tbrainwashedbythehand-picked bullshit that the media fed us would simplyknow I was more of a wolf insheep’s clothingthanan actual sheep.
“Morning, Malcom.” Iyawned while Istretched myarms above myhead and flattened mypalms against the headboard. Pure bliss blanketed mybody, and I closed myeyes, a low moanpoppingout ofmymouth.
“Careful, Z. Make anymore noises like that, and I’mnot lettingyouout of this bed.” He pressed thebulgeofhisboxersagainstthesideofmyhip.
“Anyother day, mylove, anyother day,” Igroaned. “Ican’tbe late today. Coreywill murder me. No questions. He made that abundantly clear when he wrote me up last week for my habitual tardiness. ” Myvoice was nasallywhenIadded the lastpart, sayingitinmybest Coreyvoice, and I roboticallynoddedmyhead.
“He won’t fire you. He’s still pissed youchose me instead of him.” Malcomand I had dated for two years inhighschool before we broke up right after our senior prom, not wantingto do the long-
distance relationship. It was funny. We thought it was the best decision for everyone, that it was the “grownup” thingto do. As itturned out, we weren’tas smartas we thought. We were bothmiserable withouttheother.
My eyebrow popped high on my forehead. “That was years ago, Malcom. Besides,” I shrugged, “I’m not really his type.” I grabbed his hand, kissing the back of it as I rolled out of bed. I wasn’t lying about being late. I needed my job, and despite how little money I earned in comparison to the amountofworkIdid,Iactuallyenjoyedthejobitself.
“Ifyou’re referringto anabsolutelyunordinarywomanwho is unbelievablyawesome, thenyes, I do.”Ishruggedhimoffalittle.
“Ezilynn, youare the mostbreathtakingwomanto have ever graced this earth. Youcould bend the will ofeverymanyouwantedbysimplybattingyour eyes.I’mnotsure whatIdidtodeserve you,but Iwill spendeverydaythankingGodfor you.”
Ipulledmyuniformtopover myheadasIblew outasmall pent-upbreath.Iwasnever onefor all ofthe lovey-doveypraise, buthearingall those words come fromsucha bad boytype did something for me, and yet, theynever exactlysetwell withme either. Itwasn’tthatIdidn’tbelieve he meantthe words. He did. He had never lied to me. I was never able to place where the uneasy feeling that brieflyflittedintomymindeverytime he spoke tome withsuchsentimentcame from,butIrefusedto tell himabout it. Of course, it made me a shit for not beingas honest withhimas he was withme. I wouldn’tbringhimdownwithmynegativity,though.
“Iloveyou,too,Malcom.”Plasteringasmileontomyface,Iturnedtolookathim,andmyinsides shrank as I prayed he didn’t ask me about putting my ring on again. He was a very patient man, but evenhe had a breakingpoint. I was sure I would eventuallybreakthroughit; hopefully, that was not happeningtoday.
“That’s mygirl.” His handsmackedthe exposedskinpeekingbeneathmyshirt,“Now,getthatass dressed. No other manwill ever see anyofthis. It’s mine. Imade sure whenIgave youthe ring.” His eyesdarkened,andhisvoicedeepened.
Mythumb traced the absence ofa ringonmyringfinger, bothofus more thanunderstandingwhat hewas notsoeloquentlyhinting.Heproposed,andIacceptedwithouthesitation.Ilovedthis man.As soonas he slid the ringonto myfinger, itwas as ifIforgothow Ihad the abilityto breathe. Maybe I wasn’t as readyas I thought to share the rest of mylife withhim. Of course, MalcombeingMalcom told me I didn’t have to wear it until I was ready and that me accepting his engagement was enough for now.Thatwassixmonthsago,andthefinger Ipromisedtoproclaimour upcomingmarriagetothe restoftheworldstill remainedringless.
***
“Shit, Z, ifyouaren’tgoingto marrythatgorgeous man, cuthimfree, and I’ll happilywalkdown the aisle withhim,” mybest friend admitted witha giggle after Ifilled himinonwhat had happened
in my life since the last time we saw one another. Running his well-manicured hand through his frosted hair, his tongue pressed against his upper lip as he ripped the top off a packet of sweetener. He paused before replying, “He is Malcom, but he’s still a man, honey. We don’t like to be told we canonlyhavepartofsomething.We’reselfishcreatures.”
“Something isn’t right.” He shook his head, and he raised his hands, smacking his palms against thesmall tablebetweenus.
Mymuscles jerked, and coffee sloshed around the rimofmycup, some splashingonto the table. I glaredathimthroughnarrowedeyes.As longas I’dbeenfriends withhim,his theatrics shouldnotbe abletostartleme,buttheystill managedtosurprisememoreoftenthannot.
“Youneed to forget your grandmama’s hoodoo voodoo jujubeliefs and just be happy.” I opened my mouth to protest, and he lifted a hand again, his palmstopping only a few inches frommy face. “Don’t you dare give me some type of spiel that you would give someone else who would undoubtedlybelieve youbecause youcouldalmostconvince a gaymanhe hateddickandthatinitself is a talent? But let me remind you that I do not fall into that category. I will call her myself just for affirmationif you tryto denyme this truth.” He was serious and would, without a doubt, speed dial her ina heartbeat if I pushed himto do so. This wasn’t the first time he had used mygrandma as his aceuphissleeve.
“You’resuchahagsometimes.”
“Takes one to know one. It’s why we work.” He waved me off, picking up the small wooden stick,dramaticallyploppingitintothedepthsofhiscoffee.
He was mostlyright. It didn’t matter how crazyI thought mygrandma was; she was a bigpart of me. I’d always sworn I would never give in to her superstitions, yet, here I was, refusing to completelycommitto a manIpromised to marrysimplybecause Ihad a persistentnagginghunchthat wasprobablynothingmorethanbeingnervous.
Although I was less than happy about himcalling me out right now, this was one of the biggest reasons David and I worked as friends. He saw what no one else did. Even when I did not give an explanation, he knew the answer. Of course, the fact he was also friends with Malcom probably didn’t hurt. His true loyalty was with me, or so he had reminded me constantly since Malcomand I begandating. Always tellingme Iwould winhiminthe divorce inthe eventMalcomand Iended our relationship. He proved this to be true the first time Malcomand I split, so I had no reason to think otherwise. Really, Ihoped Inever had to find out. David was myonlyfriend other thanMalcom, and agirl neededsomeoneshewasn’thavingsexwithtoventto.
I shrugged, blowing into my cup, before sipping the black coffee. “David, there’s something I can’tputmyfinger on.Nomanworships a womanlike he does me withouthavingsecrets.Deepdark secrets.”
“Z, whydoes a manhave to have a reasonto shower the womanhe wants to spend the restofhis
life withwithunconditional love and praise? Can’t he just be a manwho loves a woman? Honestly, though. What could he possibly have that one of us wouldn’t have found out by now? He moved here…”hisvoicetrailedoffashethought.
“Right. How many secrets do you think he could have hidden before turning eighteen?” He gasped,cuppinghisfingers over his mouth.“Maybeheis aserial shoplifter.Wouldthatstopyoufrom marryingthat beautiful man? Oooo, what if he’s a closet pornaddict? Like he likes to watchpeople lickpinkytoesor somethingextremelynastylikethat.”
“David,really?”
“What?” He pursed his lips together. “Am I being just as ridiculous as my heterosexual life partner?”
“Fine.IfIwear thering,wouldyouleavemealone?”
“Honey, one, I’ll never leave youalone. I’mlike a bad case ofherpes. I’mhangingonto your ass for life…or maybe I’m a hemorrhoid. Anyway, squirrel moment.” He shook his head before continuing, “Two, you don’t do this for me or anyone else. You hear me? It doesn’t matter how certifiable the entire world maythinkyouare and I do, bythe way, thinkyouare insane youlive your life for yourself. When did Ezilynn Iris Osborne start giving a damn about what people think? Because my best friend does not give two shits about society’s standards of beauty, marriage, or anythingelsefor thatmatter.”
He took a drink and set his cup on the table. Before I could speak again, he was on his feet and behindme,hisfingertipscombingthroughmyhair.
“What are you doing?” I complained, swatting his fingers away as they poked around several strandsofmylocksbeforehisfingertipsfloweddownmyshouldersandoutlinedmycurves.
“Isn’titobvious?”
“Notevenalittlebit.Anew interpretivedance?”
“Girl, no. I’mclearingyour aurora, straighteningyour crown, and remindingyouofwho the fuck youare,queen.”
Nodding my head in agreement was the only response I was giving him right now. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know all too well. Even though Malcom had never placed a timestamp on his proposal and probably never would, there was a constant clock counting down a little closer to zero everydaywhile the tensionrose betweenus whenthe topic was broughtinto the conversation.IwantedtosayItrustedhimwholeheartedly,buthislongworktripshadn’tbeenkindto my insecurities. The man was the closest thing to a saint that I would probably ever meet, and yet, here I was questioning his motives. Perhaps the best thing would be to end our engagement. David andtherestofthemalepopulationas awholeweren’ttheonlyselfishones,though.Itoofell
type when it came to Malcom. We’d been together now for seven years, not including the two years prior to graduating, and there was no future Iwas able to envisionwithouthim. Itried to, wantingto make sure I thought of everything in my search to find an answer for why it made me want to puke when I reached for the engagement ring that probably cost more than my entire wardrobe and the armoirethatheldabigpartofit.Actually,Iwascertainitdid. Iclosedmyeyes.“WhatamIgoingtodo?”
“It’s you.” He flittered his fingers inmyface, roundingthe table once more, and plopped onto his chair. “I love you, best friend, but you are the most complicated woman I know, and I work in a salon.”
“And?”
“And youbeingyouwould figure out how to destroyyour future husband for doingsomethingas degradingasorderingyouinsteadofseekingyououtandwooingyou.”
Mymouthpartedtofighthimonthis,butitclosedjustas quicklyas itopened.Perhaps the reason Ihadn’tputthe ringonmyfinger againhad nothingto do withMalcomand everythingto do withme. Dave had a huge point;Iwas constantlysearchingfor anarguingpoint. Ichalked thatup to havingthe dad Idid. He taughtme to questionall aspects oflife, for ifyoualways accepted things atface value, you would eventually get fucked over. He wasn’t the most refined man, but he was my hero. It was hardtoseesomeone’sflawswhentheyweretheprotagonistofyour life’sstory.
“You’reright.”Ishrugged.
“Excuseme?Sayitalittlelouder for thepeopleintheback.”Hecuppedhishandaroundhisear. “I said you are right. It’s me. I’m the reason Malcom and I haven’t moved forward in our relationship,nothim.”
“Eek!Does this meanwe are finally goingdress shopping?” David squealed, templinghis hands together infrontofhisface.
“Uh, we can at least window shop and entertain the idea. We’ll take baby steps toward me walkingdowntheaisle.”
Myheart hammered inside mychest, and I swallowed the lump forminginmythroat. His words shouldn’t cause this muchfear inmybody. This was the right decision. Iwanted to bangmyhead on somethinghardtobeatthe words intomyself.The correctthingtodowas beyondmeatthis point,but Iwas tired offeelinglike this. Iwas absolutelycertain. Ifthese were weddingjitters, Ifuckinghated them and could go the rest of my life without feeling them again. Tomorrow was twenty-four hours away; I would make it that far despite the free-for-all party of emotions happening within my mind withoutmyconsent.
“Thisiswhereyousaysomethingsimilar,Ezilynn.”
“Ofcourse,Iloveyou.Sorry.”
“You’renotgettingcoldfeet,areyou?”
Iwasn’tsurewhatcameover me,butIhesitatedbeforeanswering.Thiswasall I’dknownfor the pastsevenyears. Malcomand me. Me and Malcom. Whenanyone thoughtofone ofus, the other was always included. Somewhere along the way, I had lost myself. In the past, I was never afraid to be myselfandspeakmymind.IwastiredofbeingthewayIwas.
I shook my head. “My feet have never been warm. I don’t know what it is, Malcom. I think it’s just the thought ofmarriage itself. Ihave no clue what it is. I’mjust fucked up. Whywould youwant tomarrysomeonelikeme?”
“Because,mysweetEzilynn,there was never analternative.Youwere always goingtomarryme. Youjustneededconvincing.”
Inervouslylaughedas his lips pressedtomyforehead,andthe oldfamiliar worryofthe unknown crawled into my soul. Perhaps it had never left, it was only lying dormant beneath my skin, waiting for my self-doubt to awaken, and at this moment, it sank its toxic claws into me. His words were meanttobe sweetandendearing there was nodenyingthat.Itwas how twopeople inlove talkedto one another, right? The possibility that I was so explicitly broken that I didn’t know how to love someone inreturnscared me to death. The majorityofpeople who came fromhappyhomes and were raised bytwo people madlyinlove withone another didn’tactlike Idid. Atleast, Ididn’tthinkthey did, but somehow, it was exactly how I behaved. I was emotionally drunk when it came to love, I guess.Therewasnoother logical reasonIcouldcomeupwithother thanthat.
“It’s me who doesn’tdeserve you, Z,” Malcomrepeated mywords, and Iwas certainitwas only tomakemefeel better.Hewasdoingwhathealwaysdid,reassuringmebecausethatwaswhohehad always been in our relationship the fixer. The problemwas he had been trying to fix me since the daywemet,andIwasstill justasfuckedup,maybemoreso.
“How aboutweagreetodisagree?”
“Whatever putsasmileonyour face.”Hebeamed,andIwantedtodie.IpromisedmyselfIwould spendeverydayfor the restofmylife tryingtoshow himas muchlove as Iwas capable of,evenifit was onlya measlyounce incomparisonto the overflowinggallons he poured onme. Imade a mental note to tryand fit somethinglike that into myvows that and apologize ahead of time for fuckingup his life. It needed to be said. If I put the words out into the world, I was more likely to live up to them.Itsetastandardtoabideby,andIneededsomethingtogivemestructurenow morethanever.
WEDDINGDAY
“Youareabsolutelybreathtaking,Z.”
“Malcom! You’re not supposed to be here. It’s bad luck! You know how our girl gets!” Dave snarled,angrilysmackingabrushinhisdirectionaswebothturnedtoseeMalcom.
Mychestheaved inand outatthe sightofhim, and justlike that, Iknew Iwas anidiot. Astrange warm sensation overtook my body, and one of the most genuine smiles spread across my face. So muchtime had beenwasted worryingifthis was the rightdecision. Now, itwas no longer a question. Malcomwasright;Iwasalwayssupposedtomarryhim.Ifeltitnow.
“He’s right,butIdon’tgive a fuck,” Iadmittedwhile graspingthe over-the-topgownthatour best man talked me into wearing. It was embellished with so many tiny sequins and beads, making the dresshavesomereal weighttoit.
“Ofcourse,youdon’t,” Dave sourlysaid,pursinghis lips together andgivingme a meanside-eye glance.
“It’ll be okay,Iswear.Youknow,ifI’msayingthis,thenitreallywill be.Ibelieve thatmore than anythingI’veever believedin.”
Irolled myeyes and huffed, “Fine. Iswear to Dollyand Madonna thatthis is goingto be the best day of our lives. Now, give me a moment with my husband.” With Malcom’s and my eyes already closing,weleanedtowardoneanother withour lipspuckered.
“Not yet,” Dave blurted out quickly, and my eyelids popped open just as my mouth smushed againstthehardplasticbackofahairbrush.
“Is thatwhatshe wanted to talkto youabout?” Malcomasked, his cupped hand squeezed Dave’s shoulder, and the other landed on mine as a small chuckle passed his lips. “I told her where you were.”
“Hiss. Then this is your fault.” Dave shrugged free fromhis grasp. “I’mgetting a drink. If these eyes don’tsee it, thenshe can’tmake me tell her ifsomethinghappened.” He nodded, slinkingoutthe door,securingitbehindhim.
“I just wanted to tell you that I love you, Ezilynn.” Malcom pulled me to him, folding his arms aroundmybody.“Fuck,you’regorgeous.Ican’tbelieveIalmostlostyou.”
” His lips locked with mine, and I was certain it was the purest kiss we had ever shared. There weren’tanylingeringthoughts ofdoomwaitingaroundthe corner toforce me tosuccumb.Itwas as if the only emotion I had the ability to feel right now was happiness, and I wanted to live like this forever inthe arms of the manI loved and at peace. Myentire universe was inthis roomwithme, andhe’dbeenthere,patientlywaitingfor metorealizeit.
The sound of glass shattering was the first noise to register in my brain. My eyes shot open as Malcom’sheadjerkedsideways,hismouthrippingfrommine.
“Ezilynn,” he coughed out, and spit splattered across my mouth. Bitter rust soaked the tip of my tongue as my mind registered it was the blood of my lover. The second noise I recognized was the instant violent sobs leaving me when I was able to catch a breath and saw his eyes focused on my face.
“Your head, Malcom,” Ishrieked, flatteningmypalmover the gapinghole where his temple used tobe,bloodinstantlyflowingaroundmyfingersanddownmyarm.“Myhandsaretoosmall,”Icried, pilingmyother handontopoftheother.“There’ssomuchblood.”
Myhandsinstinctivelyreachedfor hisbody,asheslumpedtothefloor,andaseaofredshowered his body. My eyes darted around the small room, searching for anything or anyone to help. Nothing seemedoutofplace,therewasabsolutelynoproofthatMalcomshouldbebleedingoutinmyarms.
“Malcom, no! Someone, help me! Please help!” I screamed, dropping to my knees. My dress, whichused to be the most beautiful champagne color, soaked up the crimsonblood pouringfromhis body.
Heneededhelp,andIwasprobablytheleastqualifiedpersonheretogiveit,butIwasall hehad. IhadbarelypassedmyCPRcertificationwhenIwas a teenager,andIonlydidittoearnextra credit. Ihatedmyselffor notever gettingarefresher or recertified.
