Nicksits up and looks throughthe window. He rolls his eyes and leans back, takingouthis phone as ifhe doesn’tcare directlyoppositethebuilding,isamonster sizedbillboardadvertisementfor theunderwear campaignhedidlastyear Ifthe nonsenseinthepressistobebelieved,fanswerefaintinginthestreetsatthesizeofhis package,althoughIdon’tbelievethat shit.It’snotthatbig.Fucker.
Our popularity is at an all-time high as we reach the end of the North America and Canada leg of our world tour We finishedthreemonthsofshowsacrossEurope,andafterabriefbreak,thelasttwomonthshavebeenworkingourwayacross theStates
There is a breakplannedinbetween.Itwon’tall be funthough,we’re filminga music videoandwill still dopress.We haveabigeventplannedthatincludesfivefulldaysofrelaxation.Andthesecretwe’vebeenkeepingforalongtime,Adam andJenna’swedding
“Itcouldbeworse,Archer.Youcouldhavehis bare scrotum onyourcheek.”Adamgivesmeadirtylook,thenshudders. He’satthewatercoolerfillingupapapercup Ourleadsingerisantsy,andwhenhegetslikethis,hecan’tsitstill Adamhates doingtalkshows, especiallylive ones. Younever know what they’re goingto askyou, and he doesn’t like surprises Bianca,our manager,drills intoeverypersonwhointerviews us,askone wrongquestionandwe walk It’s never happenedbefore.We’redeftatdeflectionnow,afterelevenyearsofdoingthis.
Peoplemayfindherabrasiveandunlikeable,butIappreciateeverythingshehasdoneforus.Youneedtobetoughinthis industryand she pulls no punches It pisses the guys off whenshe is toughonthem The things she books us for, keeps us relevant.Notthatourmusicdoesn’tspeakforitself,butwithoutBpushingus,wecouldhavefaded,givenwe’vebeendoing
“This asshole,” Adampoints at me “Fell out of the damn bathroomon an old tour bus as it went over a pothole and knockedmeonmyassasIwasinnocentlypassingby.Hisballstouchedmyface.”
OnequestionI’mgoingtogettodayis,‘whenareyougonnasettledown?’or ‘is loveonthehorizonfor Archer Harris?’ Justbecausetherestoftheseguysarelockeddown,doesn’tmeanIneedtobe.Iprefertothinkofmyselfasthelasttruerockn roller of the band. Besides, after seeingsome of the shit these guys have beenthroughwiththeir women, I’mhappybeing single
“Too manyto talkabout,” Adamsays, a note offinalityto his voice, regrettingbringingup that story, because the other womenwillhearaboutitbeforethenightisthrough.
She loves playingmind games withme. Her favourite pastime is fuckingme the hell up, so Idelete the message without answeringandputthephoneaway Adamcomesoutofthebathroomandwatchesmefromacrosstheroom IbarelyevenhearwhattheothersaretalkingaboutasIturnawayfromtheprying,perceptiveeyesofmybestfriend.
Maybe he knowssomethingisgoingon,butI’mnottellinghim I’mnottellinganyone Thedooropens.“You’reoninfive.Canyoufollowme,please?”
Thentheybeginthe questions B pre-approved There is nothingspontaneous about our answers, we knew the questions beforehand.Alotofitisthesameshitwe’reaskedbymostinterviewers.
There is a lot of focus on Adam’s engagement and Nick’s dick Jordan doesn’t allow them all the limelight though, answeringalotofthequestions.I’vezonedoutandrealiseShaniaislookingtowardsme.
“Unless you’re me,” Jordan pipes up. “Yesterday, I took my angel to the Capilano Suspension Bridge. Have you been there?”heaskstheaudience “It’sfuckingterrifying ButitwaslikebeinginanIndianaJonesmovie” Thecrowdlaughs.
“Itisanamazingbridge.Didyouallgo?”Kyleasks.
“Nah,itwasaspecialtripformeandmygirl.”
The conversation moves on to our album. Jordan has diverted the attention away from me, and Kyle segues into the
instrumentalpartoftheevening.
Igetupandheadovertothesetbesideusandpickupmyguitar,takingmyseatastherestofthebandfollowsme.Jordan hashisdrumssetup,buthewillnotbethrashingonthemtonight He’sthebackbeattoouracousticsound Forthefirsttimeallnight,I’mcomfortableinmyskin.ThisiswhatIlovetodo,feelingthefretboardandstringsbeneath myfingersasweplay IclosemyeyesandshuteverythingoutasAdsings astrippedbackversionof So Much Unsaid It’s drasticallydifferentfromtherealversion,butIfinditsoothingtoplayitlikethis. Everychordandstrumofmyfingersbringsmealittlemorepeace Ifonlytherestofmylifecouldbelikethis.
The place is different on the inside. The floor has black-and-white tiles, the walls painted black. They’ve covered the ceilingindarkwood, makingit appear lower thanit is Large white frames are positioned all around that have images on canvasesinside.Someofthemarephotographs,othersarepaintingsoftattoos.
There is one standoutphotographofa statuesque redhead.She’s nakedapartfroma pair ofgiant,leatheryblackwings, likeabat Shehasonehandbetweenherlegs,butit’snotsexual Herfullbreastsareondisplay,andshehasatattooalongone sideofherbody.
Mybrows liftinsurprise I’msure people wonder whyhe allows everyone whocomes intosee his wife like that Few guysIknowwouldhaveanakedpictureoftheirwifedisplayedfortheworldtosee.
“Quitit,”Carinaslapsherhusband’sarm “Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttellmeArcherHarrisisgettinginkedheretoday We haveticketstoyourshowtonight,”shesays,alittlecalmer.
“Where’veyoubeen?”Elsaasksmeasweheadtothehotelentrance “Sightseeing?” “Not as muchas youthree,” I grin. Stone doesn’t lookat all pleased. He’s used to followingus around, but I doubt he enjoyedgoingonashoppingspree.
Everyoneis leavingNew York JennaandElsaleftaweekagotomeetupwithBreakNeck They’ll bewiththemfor the final four shows ofthe US legofthe tour. Thenonto SoutheastAsia, where they’re goingto amazingplaces like Thailand, Vietnam,andHongKong,beforetheirlastfewshowsinAustraliaandNewZealand I’llbeflyingouttojointheminafewdays.I’vestoredupmyvacationtimetomakethemostofit. Twoweekswithnoworries.Hell,noclothesifIdon’twanttowearthem.
I’ma senior associate at the law firmand workwithone of the partners, who is mentoringme inpreparationto make partner IownmyapartmentandhaveacomfortableenoughsavingsaccountthatI’msetforalongtime I’mseenoutwithsome ofthemosteligiblebachelorsinNewYorkandmybestfriendisdatingoneoftheworld’sbiggestrockstars.
Iwalktothedresser andgrabmybra.Iletthetowel dropanddon’tmiss how Ciro’s eyes rundownmybody.Wedon’t speakasIdress,andafterI’vetouchedupmymake-upandhair,Iturnandleanmybuttagainstthedresser,lookingathim.
He gets up as Islip myfeetinto myroyal blue Manolo Blahniks, the heel liftingme up almostfour inches I’mfive foot sevenwithoutheels,sotheliftbringsmeclosetohischinheight.Thereisaweirdtensionbetweenusthatisn’tnormallythere. Perhapswe’rerunningourcourse?
I’mnotsurehow tofeel,butthisisn’tarelationship.Itnever will be,becauseCiroisanemotional void.Or he’sburied themsodeephecan’tfindthem.
I step into the office as she pulls her coat on. I’ve known Raine since I was a wide eyed, shy seven-year-old. My elementaryschoolbestfriend,Eva,introducedmetodance.Shestoppedwhenwewenttohighschoolandfoundanewgroup offriends.
I dump mygymbagand kickoff mysneakers, thenhead over to the table inthe corner where the sound systemis and connectmyphone,scrollingmyplaylistsuntilIcometoonetitled Sensual Beats.
Mymind is blank, focusingonlyonthe movements, onthe floor beneathmyfeet, and the shadows castacross the floor, althoughIavoidlookingatmyreflectiondancingalongsidemeinthemirror.
Dancinghas always groundedme Idon’tadvertisethatIdoitandhaven’tcompetedinyears,notsincecollege,prior to startinglaw school. Raine wanted me to go professional, butitwasn’tonthe cards. Momallowed itas a hobbybutwould neverletitbemyprofession.SheevenmademepulloutofadancecompetitionwhenIwasseventeen,becauseitwastaking meawayfrommystudiesand ruining mychancesofgettingintocollege.
Raine tried to tell her how talented Iam, butmomwouldn’thear it. Dancingis notprestigious enough, itdidn’tbringin enoughmoney Unlessyouareaprimaballerina,andthatwasnevermyfortewhenitcametodance
Partofme wonders whatitwould have beenlike had Ibeenallowed to compete, to putall ofmyfocus into the thingI loved.Ihavefriendswhohavegonefarwiththeircareers,intheatre,dancecrews,evenballet.
She’s right to a degree, I’ve seengirls make themselves sick to stay in shape, dancingthrough the painof shin splints, bruisedtoes,achinghips Noneofthatbotheredme AllIwantedtodowasdance Mymomstolethatdreamfrommeanddidn’tcarehowmuchithurt. AllIcandoismakethemostofthetimewhenthestudiocloses,dancingforhoursuntilI’mwholeagain.
Finishingthewater,Igrabatowelandwipedownmychestandneck,thenpickupmyphone It’safteroneinthemorning Fortunately, I don’t have to be in court tomorrow, I’mmeeting Megan, one of my close friends for breakfast. I’mlooking forwardtoseeingher She’sbeengonethelastcoupleofweekswithJoey,herMMAfighterboyfriend,inVegas Bothofmybestfriendsareofflivingtheirbestliveswithmenwhowouldwalkthroughfireforthem.Mymindgoesbackto Ciro I’donceimaginedthingsbecomingmorebetweenus,feelingstogrow,himtoopenup It’snotmeanttobe.Idon’tknowwhyhe’slikethis,nordoIthinkanyonecanchangehim.Hewilldoitwhenheiswiththe rightperson.
Thatisn’tme
After releasinga shudderybreath, I shake everythingoff. There are things to do. I don’t need a man. And I don’t need meaninglesssex Thesadpartaboutitis,Iwon’tevenneedtospeaktoCirototellhimit’sdone Thatthoughtmakesmesadagain,butIpushthatbackandthrowmythingsintomybag.Mycarserviceistwenty-fourhours, soImakethecallandheaddownstairstowait
“Waituntil Jenna hears this,” Ilaugh “EvenIhave to admit, thatis romantic as shit I’mhappyfor you Bothofyou” I squeezeherhand,thengobacktomyseat.“Showmepictures.”
Even my icy heart melts at that. It’s like something out of a movie. “You chose well,” I smile. “Megan, you look breathtaking Bothofyou I’dhaveflownoutifyoutoldmeaboutit”
It’s beena while since Isetfootinthis recordingstudio. Kono and Jasper produced our lasttwo albums inNew York. Beforethat,wealwaysrecordedhere Iknowthisplacelikeit’smyhome,we’vespentsomanyhourshere IgreetDean,thetechwhoisalreadybehindhissoundboarddesk.Weslaphands,thengothroughwhatweneedtochange onthe track Itdoesn’tsound to me like there is anyproblemwiththe recording Deanagrees, butIhave nothingelse to do today,soIheadintothesoundbooth,putonmyheadphonesandplaythesong.
Thatisn’titatall,it’shernaturalstateofbeing Sheisn’tputtingonafronttomakesureshecanswimwiththesharks She is ashark.Sheisafuckingbitch.Icanbarelystandtolookather.
“There will be no further relationship betweenus, other thanworkrelated, and Iwantto ensure youdiscuss nothingthat occurredduringthetimeweweretogether.”
“Yeah,alldone,”Itakeinsomedeepbreaths,tryingnottolethimseehowdistressedIam.“Let’sgetoutofhere.” I’m not in the mood to see anyone right now I have a lingering feeling of nausea in my stomach Now the anger is dissipating,it’sreplacedwithsadness.Idon’tknowhowtoarticulatewhatI’mfeeling.Ican’tnameit,andIdefinitelyhaveno wayofexplainingittoanyone.
Adamsits across fromme atthe table onmybackpatio. Icalled to see ifhe wanted to listento somethingand he came straightover ElsaandJennahavegoneforspatreatments,andNickissomewherewithhisassistantJanie Probablylooking formorephotoshoots.Hethinkshe’samodelnow.
He hasn’tsaidone wayor another ifhe likes the songs yet Inthe end,Igave himthree ofthem One ofthemis waytoo personalanddarkerthananythingI’vewrittenbefore.Iwon’tbeabletohidemyactualfeelingsbleedingintothatone.
“Thisone, Devil for Eternity. ” Hesaysnothingelse,setsthepaddown,grabsapenandstartsmakingnotes Hewriteshisthoughtsdown,thenhandsme thepad.
Ireadhisnotes Thereisonelinehe’shighlightedthatIdon’twanttochange,‘you ’ re the ghost in my head ’ IsayIwantto keepit,andhelooksatitagain,thennodsinagreement.
“Andyou’reallowedtogo?”myeyeswiden Jennaisatraditionalromantic “Notachance,”Adamlaughs.“I’mgonnahangoutwithDadwhiletheydowhateveritiswomendoatthosethings.We’re gonna go outto the cityafterwards I’ve reserved the private space atFlux Momis lookingafter Jake, so Keira is coming along.Yougonnacome?”
Adamgivesmealook.Jordanisacompletelydifferentpersontowhohewasayearago.AtfirstI’dbeenpissedIlostmy wingman, butIlike the new mellow, notspendingall his time gettinginto trouble, Jordan. Now, he bothers Alessa. Idon’t knowhowsheputsupwithhimhalfthetime
I’mprettysureAdamwantedittobethetwoofthem.Jennaisoneofthosewomenwho’sdreamtabouther weddingday since she was a little girl, so her ideas differ fromhis She knows the life she is getting into with Adamand the typical weddingwon’thappenforthem.
Whenshesuggestedabeachweddingbecauseitwouldberomanticandintimate,Adamranwithit.Tothefuckingextreme. HehiredaprivateislandintheSeychellesandisflyingoutclosefriendsandfamily Theislandcaterssolelytotheguests inthe fifteenbeachfrontvillas and one private bridal villa. No one who shouldn’tbe there cangetonto the island without beingfoundout
It’s not Adamthrowingmoneyaround, this is all about privacy. Since announcingtheir engagement, the world has been tryingtofindouteverythingtheycanaboutthem Speculatingwhentheweddingwillbe,where,andwhatkindofdressJenna willwear.
This is aboutmakingsure their weddinghappens how theywant,withnointerruptions andnoworries.Noone will ever suspectthey’dplanaweddinginthemiddleofthetour
“Youwannagolaydownsomemusictotheselyrics?”hegetsup “Devil for Eternity isadefinite,butIwannatryoutsome stufffor Hope She’s Numb too.”
“Yeah,sure,let’sgo.”
They’re justsongs Good songs ifa little roughrightnow Adamwill reworkand polishthemuntil Iforgetthe meaning behindthem.Atleast,Ihopehecan.Apartofmewonders ifit’s amistakeusingmypaininour music.I’mgoingtoplayit againandagain
OnceJennaisbackinherrippedjeansandPoisont-shirt,therestofustryonourbridesmaidgowns.Mineisdifferentfrom the others As the maidofhonour,andher longestfriend,Jenna wants me tostandout,eventhoughthe dresses are the same shadeofwillowgreen.
When I put my dress on, my heart stops. It’s absolutely gorgeous. There is no other way to describe it. It’s an off-theshoulderdresswithblushmulti-colouredfloralembroideryoverthewholething Thesubtlecowlnecklinegivesaglimpseof cleavage,butit’snotobsceneandtheswagsleevesarenarrowanddelicate.IthasasoftA-lineskirtthatreachesthefloor.A skinnysasharoundthecinchedwaistfinishesitoff It’ssoflatteringtomyfigureandfitslikeaglove Keiraisafuckinggenius
Therearemanythings NoneIwanttotalkabout Now,orever I’mnotgettingintoanykindofpityparty So Imake a concerted effortto cheer up whenwe head backto New York. Adamis takingus to anexclusive nightclub, Flux Jennalovestodance,andhe’spickedaplacewhereshewillbesafe
Over the last year, Jenna mellowed about Adam’s fame She struggled a lot at first Particularly before they officially becameanitem.Istillsensesomeofthatinsecurityinher,butshetrustsAdam.Oneofmyjobsasherbestfriendistokeepa closeeyeonhim Admittedly,heisdevoted
“WhoisMrtall,darkandsexonlegs?”sheleansinclosesonoonecanoverhear “Whichone?” Ismirk, glancingbackatthe four men. One ofthemis Archer Harris. Ido a double take because Ididn’t recognisehim.He’srockingathickbeardand,ohmyovaries,helooksinsanelyhotwithit.Ican’tdragmyeyesawayfrom him,vaguelyawareKeiraissayingsomethingtome.
“Aguystandingup for his sister’s honour? Whywouldn’tIbe?” Isip mychampagne, lookingathimover the top ofthe glass.Hewatchesmedrinkit.Fuck,areweflirting?
“Sam,”hepointstothefirstman,whoalsohasashortbeard.It’snotassexyonhim.“AndTyler,”hepointstothesecond man “Mybrothers”
“Brothers?”NowIseetheresemblance.They’rebothhandsome,notonArcher’slevel,butdefinitelygoodlooking.There isathirdguywiththemstandingbehindTyler ArcherintroduceshimasZach,hiscousin He’stheguyKeiraisinterestedin She flushes whenshe draws her eyes awayfromhim. “Where is Daniel?” she asks. “His other brother,” she says to me. “Thebabyofthefamily.”
Jordanappears, bringinganother swathe ofpeople withhim.Iglance around for Alessa, they’re normallyattached atthe hip.ThenIremembersheisontourwithRedAlert.
Whichmakes me thinkofCiroandmymoodsours Jordan’s crew comes over tojoinus andhe greets Archer’s brothers withhugsandbackslaps.HeblowsKeiraakissandsqueezesmyshoulderwithasmile. “What’shappeningherepeople?”
“And not ashamed to admit it. I may take some time getting friendly with him when we get back. But right now, the danceflooriscalling.I’mmakingthemostofmomhavingJake.”
Myheartplummets I’mnotsurewhy,it’snotasifArcherisanythingtome He’sfreetotalktoorbewithwhomeverhe chooses.Yet.Thereisapullthere,IswearIfeltit.Iturnaway,notwantingtoseewhatishappeningwithhimandthewoman. AguyistryingtotalktoKeira,dancingtooclosebehindher Iliftmybrowsinquestion,shemightwanttheattention,but she shakes her headwithanirritatedlook.Istepupandtake her hand,smirkatthe guy,thenpull her offthe dancefloor,not waitingtoseeifheprotests.Weheadbacktowardsthestairs.Ipullmyhairoffthebackofmyneckandfanmyface,it’sreally hotinhere.
The bandflew outtoVietnamtwodays ago,where they’re doinga couple ofshows.Jenna andElsa gottheir flights last night Thedaybefore,we’dhadaquietfewdrinksatNickandArcher’sapartment,onelastgirl’snight Adamhadbeenawaytheweekendbeforeforhisbachelorparty.Ifyoucouldcallitthat,fishinginConnecticut.Boring. Not that Jenna’s was muchmore adventurous, but it had beena lot of fun. She had a pyjama partyat her mom’s loft in Brooklyn
The two womenwere hilarious and arrived withwheeled suitcases full ofthings I’d never heard of, or realised people usedononeanother.Thedemonstrationshaduscryingwithlaughter.
“Shejustgotofftheelevator Isaw her throughtheglasstalkingtoElla,”shehisses Likemymother couldoverhear her Wouldn’tsurprisemeifshedid.
“Fuck.”Whatthehellisshedoinghere?
“Wereyouexpectingherandforgottomentionit?”
“Really?”
“Sorry,stupidquestion.”
We’realwayspreparedwhensituationslikethisarise Momnevercomesherewithoutwarning Never Ittakesalottodrag hertoManhattan.Itmeanssomethingannoyingisheadedmyway.
Momwill expectto be greeted atthe desk, have her coattaken, and Millie to provide her witha drink. Have to askfor anything?Notmymother,hersenseofentitlementissoinflatedit’sawondershefitsintheelevatorwithit Istraightenup mydesk, shove myfeetbackinto myshoes, and smoothmyhair. Anythingto notdraw her criticism, then focusonwhatIwasdoing,appearingunawareofherarrival Thephoneonmydeskbuzzes It’sreception
Mymother breezesintotheroomlikesheownsit,her Birkinbaghookedover onearm.Shelooksgood,eventhoughshe has had Botox, she hasn’t succumbed to any other cosmetic surgery yet. She is a good-looking woman, but her pinched expressiontakesawayfromthat.
Mom’swearingabeigepantsuitwithacreamblouse.Herblackshoesmatchherhandbag.I’dsaywiththebag,theentire ensemble is worthaboutforty-five grand It’s shameful Idon’tknow how she gotonthe waitinglistfor one ofthose bags Momalwaysfinessesherwayintoplacesmostmeremortalscouldonlyeverdreamof.
“Wonderful” I round the deskand air kiss her cheeks I cannot remember the last time I had physical contact withher PossiblythedayIwasborn.Ineedtofindoutwhatshewants.
Iindicateforhertotakeaseatonthecouchandfollowherover Sheperchesononeend,andIsitattheother,side-onsoI canface her. Settingher purse down, she smooths her jacket, pickingoffsome invisible lintshe musthave gotonher from settingfootinsidemyoffice
Theypracticallybegged me to take the two weeks. It’s beena longwhile since I’ve takenanytime off, letalone leftthe country.Mybossesareamazing,it’swhyI’veremainedwiththisfirmforallofmycareer.
She looks down her nose at me, that disapproving stare perfected over the last twenty-eight years. She is probably wonderingwhatkindofphilistinedoestheirownpacking
Milliehasn’thadtointerruptus.Ofcourse,momhasruinedmylifeinamerefiveminutes,insteadofthefifteenI’dasked Millie for Rather thanfake air kisses, Igeta reminder to be readyand lookingmybestateightonSaturdaynight, thenshe leavesonacloudofChanel.
On Saturday afternoon, I take a quick shower, careful to avoid wetting the hair I’ve had styled at my usual salon this morning MynailpolishisselectedandI’mabouttositdowntodomytoeswhenmyapartmentbuzzerrings I’mnotexpectinganyonebutamnotsurprisedwhenadeliverymanarrivesatmydoorwithagarmentbag. IalreadypickedoutwhatIintendtowear tonight.Itismymostexpensivedress,whichIrarelywear,butIhavetowear somethingimpressivetoavoidmymother’sire
