CURSEDSHADOWS
QUINNBLACKBIRD
"I will destroy you. I’ll see you on your knees, and you will weep at my feet. You will beg. And when all that is done, you will meet my dagger This is a fae's promise "
Beforethedarknesstookovertherealms,asillylighthalflingbroketheheartofadarkfae Theworldspaidthepriceforher slight.
ThisisNari’sstory.
the night I first I saw him
Ourlandshaveopposedeachothersincethebeginningoftime Darkandlight,dokkalvesandlitalves,alwaysatwar Untilthe warstopped,andatreatywassigned.
It’sashakytreaty,andwedowhatwecantomaintainit.Sothis exchange ismeanttobeagestureofunionwherewe welcomethedarkfae,theirmilitarypersonnel,theirwarriors,theirdiplomatsintoourland Thelightland
Thedarkfae thedokkalves can’tstayhere,ofcourse TheSunsearsthefleshrightoffadarkmale’sbones Itburnsand meltsthem,combuststhemintoflames.OnlytheirfemalesareunaffectedbyourbelovedSun.
Still,theinvaders assomeofuscallthedarkoneswhodarevisitourlands,whosullyitwiththeirpresencehere,whodo notdeservetobreatheourpureair come Theystayforsomemonths,hideawayduringtheday;theyonlycomeoutatnight
Thisistheirthirdannualvisit I’mgladthatitonlylaststwonewmoons,andthentheyaregoneagain,backtothedark lands.
Butonthethirdanniversaryoftheexchange,theFaeEclipse,wedowhathasbecomethestartofatradition.Aparty,of course,intruelitalffashion Acelebration,notofthedarkfae,butofourunion Ourpeacetreaty
Andwewelcomethemwithourtastes,ourfruits,ourwines,oursweets.Andweshowerthemwithourart.Performance, music,dance,song.
Idance.
Onthepodium,onlyafootorsoabovethemidnightfieldandallthefaelurkingaround,Idance.
Atatteredwrapistightlywoundaroundmybreastslikeablotchy,inkedbandage.Theshreddedskirt,justasdishevelled, startsbelowmybellybutton andIhatethatIhaveoneatall.Andtomournthelossoftheblackphoenixesthatlivedbefore thedarknessconsumedtheMidlands,Ipunchthestatementofdeath,Ishout‘you killed them’withthefeathersglueddownmy arms
Wearetoshowthemapieceofourcultureandtraditionswiththisdance.Ichosetheblackphoenixthattheirwickeddevil skycreatureswipedout.Now,therearenomoreofthemleft.Extinct becauseofthedokkalves.
Cruel,barbaricfae,Idon’tdoubttheywantusextincttoo.Notthelightfae,butmykind thehalflings.
Myeyesnarrowatthethought
ThemaskIwearcoversmymud-browneyesbutleavesmydark-paintedlipsfreetosneeratanydokkalfthatwandersclose Mysnarlisaquietone,butIfindenoughcouragetolandmygazeondarkfaeafterdarkfae,allthoseleather-armouredbrutes lurkingaroundmyland,inmyfield.
Theyminglewithlightfae,ourwarriorsmostly,buteachoneofthemkeepsthatairofcoldindifference,likeallofthis that wedoforthem isdullandtedious.
Theypaymenomind.I’mamousetothem.Notjustme,butallelevenothersonthepodium.Twelvedancersintotal performingtheover-practicedkicksofourlegs,snapsofourhips,twistsofourwrists,inperfecttunewiththeracybeatfrom theconcerto
Butthen…myscowledface,hiddenmostlybyamask,aimsaheadattwohunchedovertrees.Mysnarlfalters.Thebravery isquicktoleavemyeyeswithasingleblink.
Idon’tmissabeatinthedance.It’smusclememoryatthispoint,secondnatureIpracticeditsomuch,untilmyfeetbled. ButasIdance,Ilookathim
Ilookatthedarkfaewholooksrightbackatme
Thesightofhimsendsachillticklingdownmyspine Isteelthemusclesinmyshouldersagainsthisgaze Can’tlethimsee theshudderoffear buthe’sdarkfae,he’sabornpredatorlikenootherfaeraceinexistence,andheseesit.He smells it. Myfear.
Fromacrossthemidnightfield,thegleamofhisblueeyesspearsthroughme.Mybreathisknockedfrommybody.Such fierceblueeyes,encircledbythicklashesandthehueofkohllines I’mnotbreathing Blackhairfallsintohisface,some strandsbrushoverthoseeyes andIstillcan’tbreathe.
Those eyes, those eyes, those eyes.
Theblackofhishairglistensbeneaththeonslaughtofthetorch-flames,andit’ssodarkthat,withtheshimmer,italmost lookswet likehisleathersdo.Thatleatherarmourthatlookspaintedovereverymusclethatripplesashetakesthatone purposefulstepawayofthesleepingtrees, towards me
Thatoneintentionalstepjoltsanicyspearcleanthroughmygut
Hiseyesdon’tleaveme.
Anotherstep.
He’ssofaraway,butIseehimandIknowheseesmeevenbetter.Hissightisstrongerthanmine,justashismusclesare.He isabornkiller,madeforbattle,forwar,andI I’mnothinginfrontofhim
Ispinaroundwiththeflowofthemusic Strandsofchestnuthairthathavecomeloosefrommyintricatepileofbraidswhip mycheeks.OnceIsteadymyselfintoposition,thosesapphireeyeshookmeinstantly.Likethedepthsoftheocean,thosedeep partsmeantonlytodestroyanythingthatdoesn’tbelong,andIfearthat’swhathemeansforme.
Myheartdoesn’tracebecauseI’mdancing,itdoesn’tracebecauseI’minafieldfullofwhatIfearmost,thedarkones;it racesbecauseI’mwaitingforthemomenthereachesforthewinkofadaggerstrappedtohisthigh andspearsitthroughthe air,rightintomychest
Hemakesnosuchmovetocutmedownjustyet.
Hestepsagain,onefluidmovementhetakessoslowlythatIrealizehe wants metoseeit Andhehassteppedrightintothe glowofthemoonlight.
Ichokeonawispybreath.
Isitpossibletowetmyselffromthefear?FeelslikeImight. Ithinkhesensesit.
Inkyblackhairfallsintohisfaceasheslightlytiltshisheadtotheside.Hiseyesareblueblazesburningfrombehindthe veilofnightandshadowsandkohllines buttheydropandlandbetweenmythighs.
Alltheairinsideofmeissuddenlytrapped. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.ThebreathjoltsoutofmeasI landdownintoakneelingposition,thepodiumshudderingbeneathusdancers.Thetornmurky-greyskirtIwear,thetattersofit peelawayandfallbackovermyleg
Hisstaredoesn’twaverfrommycore.
Mycheeksburnhot,andIsenseheverymuchhasaviewifhiseyesightisstrongenoughtoseethroughthegauzymaterialof myskirt.
Withtheothers,Islapmyhandsdownonthepodium,thenshovebackupwithanall-the-wayhighkick,thenaswifttwirl Feathersfallfrommyarmsandbraidedhair.
Inpositionagain,Idon’thavetolookaroundtofindhim he’sclosernow,afewstepscloser,butstillacrossthefield. Andhehasn’tforgottenme.
Heblinksonce,aslowgesture,beforehisgazestartstowandermybody.
Ialmostfalterinmydance,takethewrongstepandspilloverthepodium,butIforceallmywaveringstrengthintothekick ofmyleg,andIcan’tdenyit,theheatexplodingthroughmeashisattentionsearsthroughtheonestripoffabricshieldingme fromhishungryeyes.
Iknownow,hishungerisn’tformybloodonhissword… Idoubthe’sthinkingofmydeathatall.
Iswallowthicklyanddropmylegwiththeothers.Thecollisionofourfeetonthepodiumthundersthroughthefieldand snapshisfocusbackup
Hewatchesmefromkohl-linedeyes,hisblackhairglisteningunderthemoonlight,muchlikehisleathersandthesharpness ofhisblades.
Themoonlightcascadesoverthewarmthofhishoneyedskin,itglistenstheblackleatherclingingtohistall,muscledbody. Therestofmydance,everytwist,archofmyback,rollofmyfullhips,everystepItake,eachtangleofmywristsabovemy headasthoughIamrestrained,asthoughhe hasrestrainedme Isensetheshiftinhim.
Itisn’tahungertokillme,butoneto bed me.
Lustinitsmostanimalisticformradiatesfromhimandtheshamehasmeinitsgrip,becausethatlustismirroredinme,in theflushofmycheeks,theharshnessofmychoppedbreaths,andIletmyselfthinkofhim
Before,I’veonlyeverfeltfearforthedarkones.Makenomistake,Ifearthisoneaboveallothers,Ifearhimmostofall becauseIalsowanthim.
Fortherestoftheperformance,hewatchesmewithoutfail.Heneverlooksaway,notwhenIchangepositionforanew dancedowntheendofthepodium,notwhenanotherdokkalfcomestohissideandtraceshisstareforashortwhile,notonce doeshelookaway.
Ifallintothecalmstormbetweenus,thechargedcloudofdesireontheprecipiceofwhirlingintoablizzardthatwill consumeusboth.Butitneverquitedoes.
Eachflickofmyhipcomeswithasmallsmilethatgracesmypaintedlips,everycaressofmyfingertipsdowntheshapeof mywaistisaccompaniedbytheflutterofmylashesovermyordinarybrowneyes.Idrawhiminfurther.
Adangerousthingtodo,alitalfhalflingtoseduceadarkfae.Toplaywithhim.Butoh,Idoit.Itthrillsandterrifiesmeto havemyhookssinkingintohim.
Thisallgoesonsolong,forthebetterpartofanhour.Hewatches. Thenthedancesend,andthecelebrationsstarttodwindle.
Fathertakesmetothecarriage,andIfeelthedarkone’sgazeeventhen,cuttingovermelikeanice-swordscrapingdownmy back,thenpiercingintothebackofmyhead.
Ionlygivemyselfoneglanceathimafterthedances Fatheriswithme,gushingabouthowproudheisofmytalents,butI onlyhavemyattentiononthedarkonewhowatchesme untilthecarriagedoorshutsonmysmallsmile.
Laterthatnight,whenIamaloneinbed,andthehouseisasleep,Iignorethesnackonmynightstand…andinsteadwander myhanddownbetweenmylegs
Itravelmymindtohim Thedarkone Ithinkofhim
Ialwaysfindmyselfupatoweronnightslikethese.Nightsthatmylifefallsapartaroundme.
Abottleofhoneywineislooseinmygrip,thenightskystretchesabovemeandtwinkleswithitsdeceit,itssecrets.Deceit andsecretsareallweknow
BitternesspinchesmymouthasIswaywiththegentlebreeze Iliftthebottletomyblue-paintedlipsandtakeastepcloser totheedgeofthetower.Thesolesofmysandalsarenotmeantforthissoft,polishedstone;butifIslip,Ifall,andIcan’tdeny thetemptationinthat.Inevercould.Someday,Imightfall.Iwon’tscream.Iwon’tcry.Iwillsmile.
Butnotthisnight
BeforeIcanspreadmyarmsandletthecooltouchofthebreezeglideoverme,footstepscomeoutfromthearchwaytothe tower;bootstepssoquietthat,tohumans,theywouldbesilent.
“Nowthat’snotthereactionI’dwantfrommyfiancé,”afamiliardrawlsnakesout,“whenshelearnedofourengagement.” Thesmilethatstealsmylipsissmall.“Youhavenofiancé,Eamon.” Iwouldrecognizethatvoiceanywhere “Ihavededicatedmylifetoatraditionthatmeanstakingnowife,”hesays.“Pityme.”
AsIlookovermyshoulder,IseeEamonleaningagainstthearchthatleadstothestonesteps Hisshirtisruffled,thestrings undone,andthere’sthesamestainIwearonmybluepaintedlips,thegildedhueofthehoneywine,thesameglossofhisskin,a deepbrowncomplexionthatglistensgoldunderthestars
Mysmileturnswry “Idon’tthinkthetraditionsofthebachelorlifeareenviable” Hetuts,aplayfuldazzleinhisgoldeneyes So,sogolden Allbuthishair,thosetightlywoundandforeversmoothblack curlsthatfallpasthisshoulder,shavenontheleftsideofhishead.
“Considerthatanimportantdifferencebetweenus,”hesaysandpushesfromthearch.Headvancesonme,mydearest friend,buthiseyesareonthebottleofwinelooseinmygrip
There’sdefeatinthewayIwatchhimadvance “Moredifferencesmatter”
Understandingflashesinhiseyes Hesensesitinme,intheslumpedpostureofmyshouldersandthewearinessofmyeyes Comfort me.
ButEamonisunlikeme,comfortdoesn’tcomenaturallytohim.
“Iamahybrid.”Hisgriniswhiteandwicked.“Youareahalfling.Thatisourmostsignificantdifference,Nari.”
Hishandoutstretches,darkerundertheshadowsofthetower’swall,hiddenfromthegleamofthemoon.
Iswig,longandhard,fromthebottlebeforeIfinallyhanditovertohim.He’squicktostartworkingonvanishingallthe honeywinedownhisthroat
Heisn’twrongaboutourdifferences
Heisahybrid,bornfromlightfaeanddarkfae hismotheradokkalf,hisfatheralitalf;Iamahalfling,bornofhumanand litalf.Wearedifferent.Andso,hehastopracticecomfortforme.
Still,it’snotenough notthisnight.
Ican’thelpmyself “Butwearebothhalfbreeds,”IchallengewitharaisedbrowandIstepoffthetoweredge Mysandals slaptothestoneandsomeofmybraidswhipagainstmyrosycheeks,flushedfromthehoneywineandthecoldbreeze. “Andisthiswhatweshouldbedoingashalfbreeds?”Hepolishesoffthewineand,inaverydarkfaemanner,tossesitover theedgeofthetower.“Wallowinginourownself-pityatsuchawonderful,busycelebrationwithsomanysecretalcovesto lurkinandcurtainstohidebehind?”
IwatchthebottlefalluntilIcanseeitnomore.Myupperlipcurlswithawarningsnarl. Littering. IknowEamononlydidittoannoyme,he’salwaystoyedwithmelikethat,andwebothknowtherearehumanservants aroundthecourttonight,cleaningupafterus.Butifitlandsatthewrongrootofthewrongtree,andthattreedecidesto swallowuptheglassbottle well,thenthattreewillbesooffendedthatitwillswatanyonewithinitsreachuntilthenextnew moon.I’vebeenvictimtothatonce,crackedarib.
“I’mallowedmyself-pity,”Isayand,withathroatysnarl,whipthechestnutbraidsthathavecomeundonefrommybun backintotheirrightfulplace,overmyshoulder Imakeforthearchway “Youwouldwallowtoo,ifitwas Taroh youwere
promisedto”Ispitoutthenamelikeitispoisononmytongue
SometruthfinallyflickersontoEamon’sface,agrimacethatisasquicktoleaveasitwastocome.“Yes,newshastrickled throughthevinesdowninthecourt soveryfast.”Heshadowsmetothestonesteps,keepinglittledistanceaswestartthe longdescent “I’llbesurprisedifthereisevenaservantwhodoesn’tknowofyourengagement”
Thatdoesn’tconcernme.Gossip,liketheSun,istothelitalveswhatthedarknessistothedokkalves.Everythingandmore.
“Youmusthaveexpectedit,Nari,”Eamonuseshisraresoftertone,somethingthatdoesn’tcomealltoonaturaltohim,given hisdarkernature.
Thedokkalveshavesuchlittlecompassionandempathy,evencomparedtouslitalves It’sEamon’shalf-dokkalfnaturetobe callous,butnotalways,notentirely notwithme.LikeIsaid,hepractices.
Hereachesoutforalockofmyhairandstrokeshisfingertipsdownitssmoothtexture.“Youwerebetrothedonceupona time andarenowagain.”
MylashesflutterontearsIdon’tdareallowmyself,notwhenI’mheadingdownthestepsintotheheartoftheHighCourt whereit’llbeburstingattheseamswithlightfaeandtheunseelie,allgatheredtocelebratethesolstice.
“Butthatengagementwasabandoned,”Isigh.Anditwas.Justtenyearsago,Tarohwithdrewhisinterestinourmarriage. Andforyearslater,thethreatthatthiswouldcomebacktogetheragain,thatmyfatherwouldrepairthedamageandrenewour betrothment,wasjustathreat…Untilitwasn’t.
ForawhileIletmyselffeelsafeinthehopethatitwouldn’tcometobe.
Hopeisforfools.AndwhatafoolIam.
“Itwasabandonedforgoodreason,”Eamonsays,andthere’sanedgetohistone,oldmemoriesrearinguplikeasword throughhisnature Hegrowlsouttherestofhiswords,“DidyoutellyourfatherwhatTarohdidtoyou?”
Iswallowbackasuddenlumpinmythroatand,aswenearthelowersteps,Istarttostrokedrownwind-frizzedstrandsof mybrownhairbackintoplace.“Ofcoursenot.”
That’smyonlyanswer,becauseIdon’twanttofollowtheconversation,Iknowwhereitwillitlead.Itwillleadbeyond Tarohtryingtoforcehisbodyontominetenyearsago,allbecausehethoughtheownedme,hethoughthimselfentitledtome, sinceourengagementwasinplace andthentheconversationwillultimatelylandon…him. Daxeel.
Eventhethoughtofthedarkfae’snameclangsmybonesandshuddersmymuscles.Istopatthebottomofthestairsand, looseningashakybreath,wipeawaythewrinklesinmysheerslip,likeI’mtryingtowipeawayallthoseimagesofDaxeel invadingmymind.
Thedokkalfwhoheardmescream,foundme,andstoppedTarohfromrapingme.ThedokkalfIlatergavemyhearttojustas Itookhis AndthenItoreitapartinmyhandswithasmileonmyface Tenyearsago Ihaven’tseenhimsince How he hates me now Idon’ttalkaboutDaxeel.
“Ineedmorewine.”It’sallIsaybeforeIslipthroughthethickcurtainofsleepingvinesandintotheopenspaceoftheHigh Court.
It’saninstanthit Thefast-pacedconcertoclawsatmybones;theoverpoweringsournessofrottenplumsandapplesthatthe oblivioushumanseatburnsthebackofmythroat;thethicktasteofwineonmytongueandintheair;theglasscacklesofthe wildfae,theunseelies,dancingthroughthehall.
InstincthasmemovingforthedaisbeforeIdoanythingelse.
Eamonishotonmyheels,buthemoveswithsuchlazygrace,thenaturalprowlofapredator,thatallthenearbyhumans (whetherservants,wanderers,stolenones,orthosestuckintheEternalDance)shrinkbackfromhim.Theirfearofthelitalves isstrong,butnothingcomparestotheofadokkalf.
Ireachthethrones,whereonlyonewatcheroftheHighCourtsitsforthesolsticecelebration.Rain,thePrinceofWar. Ibowdeeplyforhim
Eamondropstoakneeatmyside
Rain’sgoldeneyesflickeroverusforthebriefestofmoments,thenhelooksaway,disinterested Idon’tneedtotracehis gazetoknowthathisattentionhashomedinonhishumanwife,Callie,somewhereinthecourt,probablywithoneofhertwo halflingchildren
Wepeelawayfromthedaisand aswestepintotheEternalDance Eamonsnatchesafullbottleofgoldenwinefroma
tray,thentakesmyarminhis.Together,wemovethroughthedancers.Somehumansweep,theyalwaysdoatsomepointor another,andothersscream,whilesomesleepastheirfeetkickagainstthepolishedstonefloor.Theoneswhosleepare experienced,Iestimatesomefiftyyearstrapped Thatiswhatthisdanceistoahuman Atrap.
Oncetheystart,theycanneverstop.Notunlessawatcherofthecourtreleasesthem,oneoftheprincesorprincesses.The chancesofthathappeningareslimtonone.Unlesstheyarepurchasedasservantsorgiftedtotheunseeliesforsacrifice,but that’sawholeotherthing
IfeelnopityforthedancersasIslinkaroundthem.Ifeelnojoyeitherattheirsuffering.I’mindifferent.Thatmakesmevery muchahalfling,andnotafullbloodlitalf.IfIwasfullblood,Iwouldlaughandsmileandtorturethemsomemore. Ifinditallrather…dull.
SoItakethebottlethatEamonoffersmeandstartchuggingmywaythroughit Mannersbedamned IjustfoundoutI’m marryingthelordsonwhotriedtorapeme.I’lldrinkmyselfstupidtonight. AndIdo.
I’manothertwobottlesin,swayingonthespot,whenthecourtstartstobendandtwistaroundme.Itspearlescentwalls seemtoglowbrighter,thebalconiesabovebloatandshrinkinwaves,thevineswhisperinaconstanthissthatitchesmy eardrums.
Andsoon,mybalanceisworsethananytrappedhumandancingaroundme.
Eamonwindsuphookinghisstrongarmaroundmymiddletokeepmeuprightbeforeheleadsmethroughthedancetogetme outofhere
“Doyouhaveasteedwithyou?”heasks,hislow-tonedvoiceaddingbasstothetrebleofthemusicswirlingaroundme It’s aheavyhumIclingto,onethatkeepsmyeyelidsopen.“Oracarriage?”
Acarriage.Ialmostsnort.
Myfallenfamilycanonlyaffordtokeepone,andfatherisstillheresomewhere,andwillstayuntildawn.He’llkeepitfor himselfthisnight
“I’llwalk,”Isigh,leaningmyheadintothesideofhishardchest.Istraintolookupathim.Tall,sotall.Yetsmaller somehowthanthefullblooddokkalves.Smallerthanhiscousin,Daxeel.
Anintrusivethought,andIwipeitawaywitharubofmypalmonmyscrunchednose.Butbeforewecanheadoutofthe dance,andjustasIdropmyhandfrommyface,someoneappearsinfrontofme
Hisbrightgrindazzlesmemorethanthelightsinthecourt.Hisfamiliar,warmhandssnatchupmycheekssofirmlythatmy lipspushoutintoapout.PrinceAffayswoopsin andstealsakiss.HistonguesweepsintomymouthbeforeIevencatchup tothemoment,andhetakesthetasteofhoneywinewithhim
Eamonclencheshisfistathisside,asiffightingtheurgetopushhimoffme Butofcourse,hedoesn’t Onedoesnotpusha prince,especiallynotthesonofPrinceRain.
“Delicious,”Affaycroons,asiftogoadme,ashedrawsback. Islitmyeyesathim.
Still,Ican’tfightthesmallsmilethatcreepsontomylipsasAffaywinks,thenleaveswithoutanotherword Hedisappears intothethrongsofdancerstocarryonwithhisnight.
EamonfirmshisgriparoundmymiddleandguidesmeoutoftheEternalDance.“Thatprincewillstealakissfromthe wrongfemaleoneday,thekindwhowillcutthewinkoutofhiseyeandslicethesmileoffhislips.”
MysmilesplitsintoagrinasIlookupathishardenedface Weheadoutofthecourtandtakethepathtotheleft,the pearlescentstoneblocksthatleadintotheRoyalCity.Myvillageisn’tfarbeyondthere,justoverthehills.
AnyonelookingfromtheoutsidemightthinkthatEamonisjealous.Andtheywouldberight butalsowrong.
Eamonwouldn’tmindterriblyifPrinceAffaystoleakissfromhim.Hisbachelorlifestyleisnotforthefemales,butforthe males Hecannevermarryoneofhisown,andsohelivesashedoeswithmalesinhisbed,theirsweatdampeninghissheets Supposethat’swhyhestaysinthelightlands Inthedarklands,hecanlivenosuchway “It’swhathedoes,”Isaywithashrug PrinceAffayisalover Wecallthem,inalesskindway,a bedder Howhelikestostealkisses,buthowhelovestocourt thenmoveon.
HespenttimecourtingmeinTaroh’sabsence.Fatherevenstartedtoexpectanofferonmycontractfromtheprince.Butthen
Igave toAffay,andthecourtingstopped.
Ihavegivenhimmorethanakissinthosecurtainedalcovesofthecourtovertheyears,duringthosewildernightsofmine. TheonespoweredbyheartbreakatcrushingDaxeel’sloveintopulp,andIwantednothingmorethantofeelsomethingthat wasn’tpain
Affaymeanslittletome,andImeanevenlesstohim.Beyondthefunofthefumbleswe’veshared,wedon’ttalkoutsideof thecourt.We’rejust…halflings.Wefindsomecomfortineachothersometimes.
“IfImyselfwaspartialtofemales,”EamonsaysasthestonewallsoftheRoyalCitystarttorearahead,“Imightofferyou anescape”
IfIaskeditofhim,Ithinkhewoulddoit,too.MarrymetosparemefromTaroh.
Thesadnessinhisvoicetwistsmyheart.Becauseevenifhemadethatsacrificeforme onethatmeantasamale,asa husband,hecouldnevertakeanotherloveroutsideofourmarriage myfatherwouldn’teverallowmetowedahybrid,never letmemarryadarkoneofanykind.
Tosaymyfatherisracististosaythenightisdark,thedayisbright,flowersbloominspring.Simplystatingobvioustruths.
“IhopeI’mabetterfriendthanthat,”Isayandcometoastop.Onlyareachaway,thewallsparttotheRoyalCity.Andfrom theopenpassage,afamiliarmalewandersupthepathtowardsus.
Fern,awoodlandfae,anunseelie,andafavouriteloverofEamon’s Heflashesagrin Hisblood-stainedteethmatchthe livelydangerofhislilaceyes asoft,delicatepurpletomatchhisfeatheryhair.
Iwinkathimingreeting.“Justintime.”
IturnbacktolookatEamon,buthishungryeyesareforFernonly.Igivehisarmagentlesqueezetoremindhimofme,thatI amhere,andthathemustlookatme Hedoes
“You’vewalkedmefarenough.I’llenjoytherestofthewayalone.”Ileanuponmytoestokisshischeek,butIreachonly hiscollarbone.
Eamonscoffsasmalllaughbeforehelowershisheadtomine.
Ighostthefarewelloverhissoft,darkskin thenfallbackwithadevioustwinkleinmyeyes Itellhimwiththatlookalone, ‘enjoy the alcoves. ’
AndIknowhewill.
TheRoyalCityisn’tterriblylarge,butitisgrand.Thefamiliarstirofenvy thesamesensationthatattacksmyinsideseach timeIpassthroughhereonfoot returnsasIwandermygazearoundtheemptysquare
EveryonewholivesinRoyalCityisattheHighCourttonight,ifnotthepalaceitself It’sforthehighestofthehighranksin ourlands.Theirhomesaren’texactlythewealthyfortresses,castles,orestatesfurtheroutinthecountrysideorseaside. Buttheirhomesaredivineallthesame.
Townhouses.Narrowbuildingsallwedgedupbesideoneanotherandreachingelevenlevelstall.Soundproofingbetween themcomesintheformofthewhispervines,theonesthatsuckupnearbynoise,theirnourishment,andtherooftopsglitterwith jarredglowwormsandtrappedglobedfirefliestoilluminatetheirprettyrooftopgardens.
Aroundthesquare,therowhousesformtwosidesofarectangle,splitbythepaththatcutsstraightthroughthemiddle.The pathItake
IcounttherectangleformationofrowhouseseachtimeIpassthrough,andthisnightisnodifferent Twelverowsallup Ialwayswantedtolivesomeplacelikethis Tomarryintoafamilywholivedinthiscity,inaplacewhere anyothertime butthesolstice theairisalivewithlaughterandbarteringandcarriagesandsteedsandnectarsweetsandsecretkissesand spilledpaintandleatheredbooks
Butit’snotforme,sinceTaroh’sestateisintheWesterncountrysideoftheQueen’sCourt Sothat’swhereI’lllive: Not walkingdistancetotheHighCourtortheRoyalCityorEamon’shome. Ipassbytherowhouseswithasilentgoodbye.
Ifollowthepathtomyvillage,butnowuponleavingthecity,it’snolongershiningwithitspearlescentglow.AllIhavefor lightisthemoonabove Howbigandbrightsheistonight Asmallgrace
Isticktothegreystonesbeneathmysandalsforthehourwalkhome.Imightbelitalf,halflingornot,butIdon’teverstepoff
pathatnight,especiallynotwhenI’malone.
Toomanywildfaeoutatnight,andI’mamealtothem,myfleshorevenmysoul,itdependsontheunseelie.
AfoolIam,butanimbecile?Never.
SoIkeeptothepath.
Luckyme,thewalkisquiet,andIonlyspotonewhitewolfuponafarawayhilltomyright,andonlytwowildgoatsonthe mountainstomyleft Thewolfishuntingthem,notme Mostofthewolvesliveinourlandsnow Once,theylivedinbothLichtandDorcha,butthedarkoneshuntedandkilled them theoneswhomanagedtofleecamehere,butsomescatteredintothehumanlands.Thoseonescan’tspeak…or don’t… I’mnottoosure
MyvillageisquietbythetimeI’mtreadingthroughitsmuddylane Mostfolkareasleepalready,orthey’reatthecourt Far attheendofthelane,tuckedontosomemodestgroundsandsurroundedbyblackmetalfencing,ismyfather’shome.It’s humble,smalland maybeatouchdecrepit Blackpaintpeelsawayfromtheold,weatheredwood Theblackdooris chippedandstreakedwitholdscratchmarks.Butit’sthelargestinthevillage,andonceitusedtobequitesomething.
Now,it’sanoldhousefallingapart.
Ipushthroughthefrontdoorandcringe.Thehingesgroanlikeabeastdisturbedfromslumber,louderthanadoorhasany righttobe I’vedefinitelywokenalltheservantswiththat,butnomatter
Itakethecreakystaircasetothethirdlevelandfindmyselfdowntheothercorridor,theonetomysister’sroom
Pandorashouldbeawake,sheoftenisinthelatehours,sinceshehassomuchstudytodobeforetheSacramentbeginsnext month,andshespendssomuchofhertimetrainingthatshecanonlykeepthereadingtimetonight.ButasIraisemyhandtothe brassyhandlethat’sindireneedofathousandpolishes,readytoletmyselfin,Ihearit Agravellywhisper,muchtoodeeptobePandora’s
Then,alaugh,onelikeafeatherdriftingonthewingsofthebreeze.
Mymouthsetsintoahardline.
Iwanted needed totalktoheraboutTaroh,toaskifsheknewwhatfatherhadtoldmeinthecarriageonthewaytothe court,andofcoursetocryonherlapaboutit Buttonight,Pandoraiswithherhusband Hemust’vejustgottenbackfromthe basetospendtimewithheratthesolstice.
I’msoft-footedasIpeelawayfromthedoorthenheaddownthecarpetedcorridortomyownone.Italwaysfeelscolderin thispartofthehouse,butthat’sbecauseIbrokeawindowwhenIwasjustseventeen,highonvalerianstalk,tryingtosneak backintomybedchamberfromafieldparty Ineverquitefixeditproperly,sothere’saneternaldraught
Theservantshavepreppedmyroomforme.Theyhavebeenandgone,leftmyjugofspringwateronthenightstand(amossy treetrunkthatfathercutupformewhenItookafancytoitinthewoods),setoutacheapcottonchemiseonthefootofmy featherbed,andleftaplateofhoneyedhamstripsandasmallsliceofmilkycake Somethingofahabitofmine,oratradition now Isnackbeforebed.Everynight,whetherI’mfull-belliedornot,bedwouldfeelsowrongwithoutthissnack.
Gluttonous,fathercallsmesometimes.
Igoaboutmyritualanyway.
Snatchingthechemisefromthebed,Idragittothedressingtablebythewalloflong,panelledwindows includingtheone withcracksthatIsmearedclayoverto‘fix’ andplopdownonthestumpIuseforaseat
BeforeIchangedressesforbed,Iwashmyfeet,thenworkonthisintricatebunofwoundbraidsandtwirledhair,andit takestoolongbeforeallmychestnuthairfallsintoplace.Thereliefisinstant,butstill,Iliftmyhandstomyscalpandmassage outalltheachesfromthebraids.
Soonafter,Ifingercombmyhairuntilitlosesthecurlsandloosenedbackintothewavesthatcomenaturallytoit;thenIdab somerosemaryintosomedropsofoilbeforeImassageitintomyskintocleanoffthemakeup.
Pandoradoesn’tsillyherselfwithanyofthis.Shewouldsleepwiththemakeupstillon,andIcanthinkoffewthingsthat wouldbeworsethanthefeelingofherskincomedawn.Though,shewearslittlemorethanasmearofpaintacrossherlips. Hersmooth,browncomplexionneedsnopowderlikeIdo,needsnorogue,likeIdo.Andshe’smoreforswordsandblood thanmakeup
Mycomplexionissunkissed,butstill,I’mpalerthanmybronzedsister Fathersaysthat’sbecausemymotherhad skin like milk.There’sapeachyundertonetomycomplexionthatIthinkisveryhuman,andsometimesinthehotterseasonsIgeta deeperhoneyedcomplexionthatI’mfondof Thatdoesn’thappentothefullbloodlitalves Theirskintonesdon’tchangewith theseasons.
Anotherhumantraittogivemeawayintheselands. Iloosenthethoughtwithaheavysigh,thenchangeintothechemise.Thecheapcottonscratchesatmyskin,butI’musedto thesensationsoIjustmakeformybed.Ontheway,Ipause
Ifalterattheglassvaseofdead,blackenedroses Sowithered Sowilted Notascenttothem,notaredspotonthem Dead Still,Ipausetorunmyfingertipsdownthedrystem,carefulnottodisturbittoomuch,becausetorousethedead evenifit’sa rose isadangerousthing.
Droppingmyhandtomyside,Isighandturnforbed.
Ifallontothefeatherymattress,andasIeatmynightsnacks,Iweepsilently mythoughtsontheonewhogavemethose rosestenyearsago.
I’venotsomuchasgrippedmychalicebeforePandoraleansacrossthesmall,roundtableinthegardens andshovestwo parchmentscrollsinmyface.
Boundinstring,thebowticklesmynose
“Youhavetosigntoday,”mysistersnapsatme,alwayssnappingatme Guessshethinksshe’sallsortsofsuperior,notjust becauseshe’solderthanmebytwodecades,orthatI’mhalflingandshe’sfullblood;butalsobecauseofthedetailswritten ontothosetwoscrolls.
TheSacrament
Pandora’sawarriordestinedforthearmies I’mafemalewhowhineswhenthere’snotenoughcinnamoninhermorning coffeeortherightsnacksaren’tbyherbedatnight.
Iknowhowsheseesme,butshedoesn’tquitejudgemeforit.Sheonlythinksshe’sbetter.Slightly.
Ismileandraisemychaliceabovethescrolls.Fresh,hotcoffeewithafewtwigsofcinnamonandadropofhoney,itall swirlsinthemetalcup
“Getthatoutofmyfaceorsaygoodbyetoyourscrolls.”
Shewantsmetoco-signthem.Iknowthis.ButIalsodon’twanttodealwithanysortofbusinessbeforeI’vehadbreakfast. “Yousaidyouwouldbemysecond,”Pandoralevelshervoicelikeshelevelsherstare.Browneyeslikemine,buthersare different hersarelikethecinnamonsticksinmycoffeewheremineareplainoldmud “Ineedasecond,otherwiseIcan’t enter ”
Beforeshecanstartberatingme,IrollmyeyesbackasiftopraytotheGodsforpatience,thenexhalewithasigh.“Iwill.I justwanttodrinkmycoffee,Pan.”Imakeafacetopunctuatemysnark.“Whyareyousoexcitedthismorninganyway?Iknow youdidn’tgetmuchsleeplastnight”
Idon’tsipfromthechalice,Igulp.It’scooledenoughnowthatitonlystingsalittleasIdownitlikeIdownedthe honeywinelastnight.Andthat’sexactlywhathasmereachingforarefillfromthemetaljug theconstantachethrummingin myhead
“Notallofusneedtosleepthewholenightaway,”shesaysandfallsbackinherchair Themetalgroansinprotest,but that’sbecauseoftheweightshe’sgainedsinceleavingthebasewhereshecompletedhertraining.Still,she’sgotthatmuscle packedon,thekindofmuscleyou’dseeonaslendermale Sheworkedhardforittoo,sowhysheletherselfgetalittlebelly isbeyondme.
Nottoshameher,ofcourse.I’malittleonthecurviersidemyself,butIdon’tquiteknowifthat’sbecauseofmyhuman heritage,orthatIoverindulgeonallthecakesandsweetsthatourcookmakes,oreventhatIdrinkhoneywinelikeit’swater andI’mdyingofthirst.
“Oh,Narcissa!”Pandorabitesmynamelikeaninsult.HerwildstareisonthechaliceIholdinmygrip,theoneIpourmore coffeeinto “That’llbeyourthird That’splenty Signitnow,andIcansenditoffbeforetheentriesclose”
Shescoldsmelikeamotherwould Shealwayshas SinceIwasbirthedtwenty-nineyearsago,andshewasalreadyinher twenty-thirdyearatthetime,she’stakentheroleofamotherfigureinmylife.Soeasilysheforgetsshe’sasister,notamother. Ijustwavemyfreehandather,aflappinggesturefilledwithimpatience.
Shedoesn’tspitanywordsatmeaspushesoutfromherchair,advancesonme,andunravelsthescrolls.Shesetsthemdown infrontofme,nexttotheplateIleftbare Coffeefirst
“Quill?”Iflapmyhandagain andverymuchwanthertoplacethequillinmyhand,notonthetable Sheknowsthistoo, butshesaysnothingofit,nothingbeyondagrimsettoherthinmouth,andshedoesjustthat. Ismirkbehindthehairthatfallsovermyface.
Whereshepointsherfinger,Isignmyname.
Narcissa Elmfield
Narcissa Elmfield
Narcissa Elmfield
Narcissa Elmfield
Narcissa Elmfield.
I’mentirelyboredofitbythetimeshestealsbacktheparchmentscrollsandblowsasteadiedbreathoverthewetink. Itossasidethequillandturnbacktomypreciouscoffee.“It’sjustonpaper,right?”
Pandorahuffs.Nowthatshe’sgotmetodoherthisfavour,shecanbesnideagain.“I’vetoldyousomany,Nari.”Idoprefer Naritomyfullname “Ionlyneedthesecondtosignup,you’llnotbeenteredintotheSacrament” “Whydidithavetobeme?”Iaskthissomanytimesshemustwanttowringmyneck,andmaybeIgetakickoutofwinding herpatiencearoundmyfingersometimes.
Pandorastartstorollthescrolls.Throughgrittedteeth,“Because,”sheenunciates,“thesecondmustbefromthesame bloodline Fatherhasalreadycompeted,sohecan’tdoit”
Ifindenoughjoyinhowshespeakstome asthoughI’machild,alloutofherownirritation tosmile MaybeI’llmiss herwhen,aftertheSacrament,she’llheadofftothearmies,whicheverone,forwhateverpositionshewins,andIwon’thave mysistertoannoyanymore.
AllthegeneralsandtheirsecondswillbetheretowatchthebattlesoftheSacramentstopickouttheirfavouritesfromthose whosurvive.Onewaytogetacareeroffer.I’drathersimplynotwork,myself.
Pandoraadds,“Youjusthavetocomealong,signwhattheytellyouto,thensitaround,eat,dance,prettyyourselfupinall themirrors,”shesayswithasmile,atrueone,“thenwatchmewin.”
Win Ialmostscoffatherambitions
BeforeIcanthinkonanotherwaytoirkher,herbelovedhusbandstalksoutofthecrackedglassdoorsattherearofthe house.RonancomesforthemetaltablethatPandoraandIalwayshavebreakfastat,becauseit’sgotthebestviewofthe willowfields
“Nari,”hecallsouttome,aswaggerinthewayhecomesdownthesteps Maybeit’sbecausehe’sallbuffedoutnowthathe livesonbase.“Yourfatherwantstoseeyou.”
“Ofcoursehedoes,”Imurmurandslammyemptychalicedownhardenoughtorattletheplatesandbowlsonthetable. Pandoralooksupatmefrombeneathherblue-tintedlashes.“Sohetoldyou.”It’snotaquestion.
Istareatherasitclicksintoplace.
Myanswerisasnarl,“Soyouknew?”
Ileaveherwiththat,kickingbackmychair,andstormingupthepath.I’msomadather,thatsheknewofthisbetrothment, anddidn’ttellme.SomadthatevenherinnocenthusbandgetsthecoldshoulderasIstalkpasthim.
Theplacetofindfathershouldbehisstudy,thedoordowntheendofthehall,closesttothefoyer.Butthatroomhaswater damagefromastormthatpassedsomethirtyyearsago,anditcan’tbeused
Ioncehidoutinthatroom,underhisdeskinagameofcatch-me-bite-mewithPandora,andIgotsick Healersaiditwasthe mouldandthedampnessthatbrewedacommoncoldinmybody butitfeltanythingotherthancommon.
TookaweekbeforeIcouldleavemybed,andmoreweeksbeforeIwasoutandaboutagain.
Now,father’sinthelibrary,sothat’swhereIgo.Justashortcorridorawayfromme,wherehe’ssetuphisstudyandwhere I’minnodangerofcommoncolds
AsourpinchpuckersmymouthasIslipthroughthegapintheold,termite-eatendoor Ihatetopushit,thehingescreaktoo loud,soImakemyselfsmallerasIsneakintothewispylight.Thedustthat’scakedontothelong,panelledwindowbehind father’sblackwooddeskstopstoomuchlightfrombrighteningthelibrary,soit’slitwithlanternsinstead
Wejustdon’thaveenoughservantstokeepupwiththechores,andbargainedhumanscostalottofeedandclotheandbathe, andthepriceofthemfromtheEternalDanceistoomuchforourfamilypurse.
Myeyestakeasingleblinktoadjusttothedimness.ThepoutisstillonmyfaceasIwanderovertofather,butmyeyes flickerovertheforgottenscrollsontheshelves Theshelvesthatarestillstanding,atleast Iwonder,fleetingly,whatitoncewasinhere,ifeachshelfwassturdyandclean,tendedtobyahousefulofservants,and thatbooks,tomesandscrollswerepackedontothem.
Atimebeforemine,whentheElmfieldshadgold.
Fatherlooksupfromhisletters.Theyarescatteredalloverhisdesk,somehavemugringsstainingthem,butallappearon thecheapsideofparchment He’sasecondtoanenvoywhoservesthePrinceofWar,somostofhisletterscomefromwar campsfaroutontheborders,ortheseas,ortheMidlands.
Fathergestureswithalazyliftofhishand.
Sit,ittellsme.
Withahuff,Ifallintothecreakyleatheredarmchairoppositehim. “Wheredidyoudisappeartolastnight,Nari?”
Hell,Iwanttosay.
ButIlookupmylashesathim,attheashytinttohisbrownskinandtheweatheredlookinhiscoffeeeyes. Ifindotherwords,onesthatdon’taddtohispain He’sjustdoingthebestthathecan “Iindulgedinwine,”Itellhim,andthere’snolookofsurprisetocrosshisface Hesimplystudiesme “Dancedwith Eamon.ThenhewalkedmeasfarastheRoyalCity.”
Foralongmoment,he’squiet.Thenheleansbackinhischair.Itgroans.“IsTarohreallysuchaterriblemaletohavea futurewith?”
Iblinkathim Wordsgatherinmythroat andchokeme
WordsI’veneverspokentohim
IshouldtellhimwhatTarohdidallthattimeago Ishouldhavetoldfatherbackthenwhathadhappened.ButthenTaroh,inallhisshameandanger,seemedtobecosyingup toanotherfemale,andmyengagementtohimwasuncertain,thenrevoked…thenuncertain… It’sbeenaconfusingarrangement.
Still,hisreluctanceseemedenoughtocomfortme,likeapromiseofescapethatwasneverquitespoken Timepassed AndfatherworkedwithTaroh’sfatherbehindmyback Ishouldtellhimnow
ButIcan’t
He’llasktoomanyprecisequestions,andI’llhavetotellhimhowIgotaway.ThatDaxeelwastheonewhosavedme. Thenthere’sthematterofmypurpose.Adaughteronlybornforthissortofarrangement.
Thetocher adowryofsorts thatTaroh’sfamilywillpaymine…it’senoughtorestorethehouse.Nottoitsformerglory, ofcourse,butenoughtofixmuchofthedamage NottomentionthematterofTaroh’sfatherbeingalord Aconnectionlikethat willpromotefatherthroughtheranksofnobility,thefatherofalady.
Thatisexactlywhathewantedfromaseconddaughter itismypurpose.
Ismilesomethingsad.“Allunwantedmalesareterribleonestohaveafuturewith.”
Hegivesagentlescoff.“Somuchtimespentinthescripturehall,youmighthavemadeafinescribe.”
Butaladydoesn’twork.Sothereisnofutureasascribeforme.It’snotapainfulthing,Idon’tmindsinceIneverwanteda career Butit’sapassionthatIhopeTarohwillaffordme,toletmevisitthescripturehallintheRoyalCity,orthearchivesat theHighCourt.Willheletmekeepdancing?
I’mbluntasIask,“Whenwillithappen?”
Fatherleanshisheadtotheside,restinghistempleagainstthecurvedbackofhischair.Thelightfromthelanternsand windowsfadesfromhisfaceatthisnewangle,andallIcanmakeoutisthefaintgreyribbonthathashislong,blackhair fastenedoverhisshoulder.
Ireadsomuchexhaustioninhim,hewearsitlikeafinecloak,andit’sconstant.Ineverthoughthesuitedhisname,Brok; thatthenamewastoostrongforhisweathereddemeanour Brokisthenamesuitedtoawarrior,butfatheralwayshuntedthe lifeofanoble.
“AmonthaftertheSacrament,”hesays.“AttheHighCourt.”
Sothreemonthsfromnow,Iwillbemarried.
Ijustnodonce,asharpgesture.
“Ihopethatinthemeantime,”headds,“youallowhimtocourtyou.”
Myfrownisaimedatarottedspotonthedesk’swood Iitchtoreachoutandpickatit ThenIspotthelittlerugbugthat skittersoverthemoistwood.
Ireachoutandcrushitwithmyfingertip.
“Thereisanothermattertodiscuss,”hesays.
Iliftmyfrownuptofather.Itcreasesmymouth,myeyes,mynose.
Iwipethebuggutsfrommyfingerontotheleatherchair.
Fatherleansforwardandfoldshishandsonthedesk.Thecoffeetoneofhiseyessharpenstowooddaggers.“Iwasinformed lastnightatthecourtthatI’llbeplacedatComlarforthedurationoftheSacrament.” Two months.“Pandoraisofcourse competing Iloathetoleaveyoubehind” Healsodoesn’ttrustmeenoughtoleavemehomealoneforthatlong. SoI’mnotwildlysurprisedwhenheadds,“Youwillcome.” Inod.
“Tarohwillbethere,too.Ofcourse,hisfamilyhaverelations,andsotheywillstayinthenearbytown.Still,thatisclose enoughforyoubothtogettoknoweachother” To ease my nerves Ialmostlaughsomethingbitter IfeelIknowTarohplenty “ButthereisaconcernIhave”
There. Thereasonfatherturnedserious,thereasonhisstudiousgazeisgluedtomyface,readytolandonanyflickerof expressionthatmightgivemeaway.Butgivewhataway? Then,Irealizeit.
Beforehecansayit,Ithinkit Daxeel
He’stocompeteintheSacrament Hetoldme,tenyearsago,thathewillenter So Daxeelwillbethere
Iclampmythroatshutbeforeanysoundcanescapeme;beforeIcanreleaseawhimperorchokeonsomethingIlostsolong ago.
Hope.
“Thematterofyourdarkone,”fathersays,andhiseyesnarrowashescrutinizesme ButI’vesteeledmyself,andIonlylook athim.“Thegarrisonshavequartersfor both litalvesanddokkalves.Ofcoursethequartersaredividedtokeepusapart rightlyso buthewillbethere,andyouwillinevitablyseehim…manytimes,I’msure.”
Iblink,myfaceschooledintonothingbuttotalblankness,likeIcouldn’tcarelessaboutwhathe’ssayingtome,likeI couldn’tcarelessaboutthedarkfaeIloveandwhooncelovedme
Helevelshisstareandhisvoiceatme,“Doyoupromisetostayawayfromhim,mychild?”
Myheartstopsbeating,andtimestandsstillforthebriefestofmoments,butthatmomentisallIneed. There’ssomethingyoushouldknowaboutme.
Totheordinaryhumaneye,Imightlookfae,butIamonlyhalf.
Humansseethesharptipsofmyears;thepeachytinttomysunkissedcomplexion;theshineofmychestnutlocks;andthe sharpambergleamofmyotherwisebrowneyes
ButwhenIcatchmydistortedreflectioninthedustywindow,Iseewhatthefaedo Iseethehumanness
Hipbonestoowidetobefae;thighstoothickontheseatI’msaton;lesssparkle,lessdazzleinmyirises;adullnesstomy complexionthatlookstoopalenexttomyfather’s;eartipstoorounded;andteeththatjustaren’tsharpenough. Iamboth.
Iamfae,Iamhuman
Andyet,Iamneither Ibelongtoneither,anoutsidertoboth,inappearancealone
Likemyheight Iamnotsmall,notbyhumanstandards,buttothelightfae,thelitalves,Icoulddowithastretching Then, them,thedarkfae,thedokkalves infrontofoneofthoseruthlesscreatures,Ifeelverymuchthemousethatwanderedintothe pathofawolf
ButIhavemeanstobelong,totrickthefaearoundme,dazzleandrenderthemincapable ifonlyforafewmoments of rememberingwhatIam.
IwearnoFaeMarkonmyflesh,likemysisteroncehaddragonflywingsthatweretornoffinbattle,butmytongueisnot undertheruleoftheland
Thelightfaecannotlie Andyet, and yet Ican
IfirstrealisedwhenIpickeduponsomesayingsfromaroundthecourtandnearthehumanservantsinthevillage.
‘I’m famished’,wheninfactI’monlypeckish.
‘I’m dying’,wheninfactI’monlywine-ill.
‘My feet are killing me ’,afterexcessivedancepractice,andmyfeetarebruisedandbloodied.
AndIcouldrepeatthesehumanwords,theselittletwistsofthetruths.Notlies,exactly,butcloseenoughthatIstartedto practiceinprivate,teststhedepthsofthisnewlydiscoveredadvantage oneIwassoverydesperatetohavebackthen Itested,butonlyeverinprivate,becauseit’sadeadlysecretforanyoneelsetoknow,evenmyfather TheythinkIamlike otherhalflings,thatIcannotliebecauseIamboundtothelandastheyare.
Thistalentismybestkeptsecret,becauseIdon’toftenuseit.Bettertonotgetcaught,bettertonotusemytalentforsmall things,bettertosaveitformomentslikethese
SoIstartmyanswerwithatruth ItalwaysdisarmsthelightfaeIlieto “Ican’tmakethatpromise,father”Ishakemyhead andwatchashishandstenseontheedgeofthedesk.“IfI’mtoliveinthesamegarrisonashim,howcanIavoidhim?Iwon’t bepunishedforcircumstance But,”Iaddwithasubmissivenod,andIlookdownatmylap,“Icanpromisetoturnmybackon himifhespeakstome.I’llkeepmydistancewhenIcan becauseIdon’tcareabouthim,father.Notanymore.”
Oh the lies, the lies,howtheyhurt.Notjustmyheart,theyphysicallyhurt.It’slikethewordshaveformedintoafistinside ofme,twistingmythroatinaninvisiblegrip,andIfeeltheearlypricklesofwarningonmytongue
I’llneedsomesoothingtonicwhenIreturntomyroom
Satisfied,fathernods,thendrawsbackfromthedesktosinkintohischair.“Youshouldpack.WewilldepartforComlar nextfullmoon.”That’sjustninesleepsfromnow.Fatherliftshishand,asilentgesturedismissingme.“LetushopeDaxeelhas notthawedinthelasttenyears”
Let us hope Daxeel still hates you
Iforceasmallsmileandleavethelibrary.Iheadstraighttomyroom,rushingbyourservants(ourbrowniesandgoblins paidinbowlsofcreamandsugar).Iknockoneoverinmyrush.
IgrimaceasKnife,thewickedbrownie,issentsprawling andshoutscursesmyway butIjustkeeprunning. Daxeel
Thatnameclangsmybones.Ithinkonlyofhim.Hisfaceflickersinmymind,afacetwistedwithfury. Irememberhimthen Itwasn’tsolongago,adecade,ahandfulofyearstome,partofalifetimetohumans IfIclosemy eyes,thosedaysfloodtomindasthoughtheyonlyjusthappenedsomemonthsago. Irelivethosememorieseveryday.
the night we first spoke
Taroh’smouthishotonthecurveofmyneck Hisfingernailsscrapeatmythigh,bunchingupthesatinskirtthatclingstome Silencingmyshouts,hisotherhandispressedfirmagainstmytwistedmouth.Hispalmisclammyfromtheexcessof plumwinehe’shadthisnight,butthatwinedoesn’tlessenthehardnesshepushesagainstmybelly,anditdoesn’tlethimlisten tothemuffledcriesthathishandstifles
OutsideoftheHighCourt,inthegardens,hefoundme Iwaswanderingthestatuemaze,farawayenoughfromthe celebrationinsidethatmyfatherwouldn’tcatchmesmokingvalerian.
ItwasTarohwhocaughtme.
Iwaslookingforafireflytolighttheparchment-rolledvalerianstalkwhenhesaunteredupthepath,wearingthatstriking grinofhis Ididn’tgetthechancetolightit Itliesonthegrass,forgottenandabandoned,nearthetoesofmysandalsthatscuff againstthestonepodium.
Taroh’sbodyholdsmeup,pressedsohardagainstminethatmyribsachejustasmybackdoes.Tearsslickmyfacethat pullsagainsthisfirmhand,desperatetoyankasfarawayfromthecoffeescentofhisauburnhairaspossible.
Apartofme
It’ssowretchedthatjustacknowledgingitbringsshametomycheeksthatburnhotterthanTaroh’shandtearingatmyskirt. Butapartofmeurgestosubmit nottoenjoyitorbecauseit’sinmynature.ButbecauseIknowhe’lltakemeanyway,and maybeit’llhurtlessifIstopsquirming,stoppushingathissolidchest.
Ishouldsubmit.He’stobemyhusband.Iwanttokeepapeacefulmarriage andheexpectsthisofmenow.
But…thenauseaisstirringsodeepinmygutandtheurgetosobisrattlingthroughme.Iwanttobitehisfingersoffandtear outhiseyes
Idon’tsubmit.
Iturnmyheadwithagruntofstruggle,buthispalmstillmuzzlesme,andhismouthjustclampsontomyneck histeethlatch onhardenoughtoforceawincethroughme.
Stuckbetweenourbodies,myhandsstillpushagainsthischest,mynailscuttingthroughhisblouseanddrawingbloodfrom hisskin,butit’sasuselessasmyscreamsareagainsthissweatypalm
“You’re drunk,”Itrytoshout,butit’sagarbledhum “Taroh, stop, please, please stop ”
Nothing He’srippedtheskirtandnowhishanddivesintothenewslit Hegrabsme Grabs me Andjust holds It’sa statement.
Tearsspilldownmycheeks,hotandangry.Ahissturnsintoachoke,andI’msureI’vesnottedalloverhishand.Butallhe doesinanswerisgroansomethingferalanditflexeshiserectionpressedagainstmywrithingbelly “Iwanttotryyououtnow,halfling,”hegrowlsandhishanddisappearsfrommymound “Ensureyou’reworththegoldI’m paying.”
Then,Ihearthepopofabutton Iturnwild. Iscreamagainsthishand. Hepushesmeharderagainstthestatue Myspinescreamswithme Mylegskickoutattheair Nailscutdeeperintohistorn shirt.
Tarohjustgrindsagainstmycore.Therearenobreechesshieldinghimanymore;hisexcitementishotandready.Ifeelitslip overtheapexofmythighashetriestoangle Andthenhe’sgone
Thesolesofmysandaledfeetslapdownonthestonepodium Asharpinhalesucksthroughme,shudderingmychest Iblinkthroughthetearsatmovement It’sonlywhenIraisemyfiststowipeawaythetearsthatmyvisionclearsthatIsee whatpulledTarohoffme…or who.
Atanned,stronghandisfistedintoTaroh’swhiteblouse.Theonewhosavedme… it’s him. Thedarkone.Thedokkalfwhowatchedmethenightbefore,theonewhowatchedmedance.
Hisfaceisahardmaskofstone,likethestatuesallaroundme,buthiseyesblazelikeoceanstorms.Hisheadonlyreels backforamillisecond,thenitcomescrashingdownonTaroh’sface.
Ifeel thecrunchofhisnosebreaking.
TheheadbuttisenoughtosendTarohsprawlingbacktotheground Hespillsover,legsspread,andadumblookonhis crumpled,confusedface.
Themomenthesnapsoutofthedazewithablink,he’sgrabbingathisbreechesandfasteningthemup.Allthewhile,his bloodiedandswollenlipscurlaroundasilentsnarlashelooksupattheonestandingoverhim.
Atthedarkone
Dressedinhisleathergear,he’sasmenacingasheiswicked Hisblackleathersarethesortthatclingtoeachmuscleand everylineofdefinitiononhistall,strongbodylikeasecondskin.Allsortsofdaggersandthrowingstarswinkatme,the weaponshehasstrappedtohislargebicepsandsolidthighs.
Butit’sthelookonhisfacethathasatremorrunthroughme
Idon’tthink Idon’tpayanythoughttotherealityofwhatjusthappened thatthedarkfaesavedme Ijustactonthefear chillingmyinsides.
Pushingfromthestatue,Istaggerforwardandmaketorun.
ButIonlymanagetotakeasinglestepbefore,withhisfiercegazeswervingtome,thegentletouchofhisfingertipspresses tomymiddle Heappliesforce,thenpushes Istumblebackintothestatue.
Hiseyesblazelikeblueflamesdevouringcities,andonlytheslightesttrickleofhisblackdokkalfbloodrunsdownhis foreheadtohisnose.
Thewarningisenoughtoboltmeinplace.
Itwasn’tahardshove infactI’mcertainthatwithpowerlikehisbuiltintoeverypieceofhisbody,hehadtointentionally pushlightlysothatIwasn’tthrownthroughthedamnstatue buttheshovewasenough.Itwasunspokenwords,‘Stay right where you are. ’
AsthoughIcanhidefromitall,myhandscometomyfaceandhold Peeringovermyfingertips,Islidedownthestatueuntil mybottomhitsthepodium…andIstareatthedarkone.
“Thatismyfemale,”Tarohspits,buthissnarlfaltersinthefaceofawarrior,andnotjustanywarrior adokkalf.
Shirtbloodedandruffled,Tarohtugsatitasthoughit’llfixitsomehow,andstaggerstohisfeet.Hiswildgreeneyesspear intomewithaccusation,buthelooksabsolutelywildwithallthatbloodgushingfromthebreakofhisnose Ishrinkevenfurtherbackintothestatue,andIknowmyspinewillbeblackwithbruisescomemorning Tarohlooksbacktothedokkalf,buthetakesanotablestepback
Bloodcoatshistongueashespits,“Thatis my betrothed” Howhesaysit…
Let me rape her, it is my right Iloosenashudderedbreath.
Ihavenowordstospeaktohim,notwiththefearboltingmymusclestomybones,coilingthroughmystomachlikea writhingpitofsnakes.Andnotwiththeviolenturgesstilllashingthroughme, tear out his tongue, claw out his eyes, rip off his male-hood.
Myattentionispulledbacktothedarkfae.
Heliftsablack,crookeddagger,longerthanmyforearm andIwonderwhenthefuckheremovedthatfromtheweapons straponhisthigh,becauseIhadn’tseenhimmoveatall
HeaimsitstraightatTaroh’spointedchin
Aredbeadofbloodswellsonporcelainskin;Ithinkfleetinglyofthemarblestatuesthatweepcrimsonatthepalace Tarohdoesn’tdareanothersteporchanceanotherword.He’sasstillasme.Frozen.Likeme,heknowshe’snomatchforthe darkone.
Blackhairfallsoverthedokkalf’stannedface,fallsintothegleamofhisblueeyes eyesthatburndarklywiththethrillof thefight Hewantsthis,thebloodtobespilled,deathathisfeet Likealldokkalves,heneedsbloodshed.
Roughlyaccented,hisvoiceisadeeptrembleofrage,thesortofgrowlthatcomesfromonlythefiercestwolves,“Whether
today,tomorrow,orathousandyearsfromnow,thewarbetweenourlandswillresume.”Hisupperlipcurlsarounda containedsnarl,buthisgriponhisblackdaggerissotightthathisleatherglovecreaks.“Thefeebletreatyyouclingtowill crumble It’snotif,it’s when Willitbenow,startingwiththespillofyourbloodonmyboots?” Myspinepressesharderintothestonestatue,butit’smyheadthatpromisesmorebruisestocome Thefleetingthoughtdrifts throughmymind, how will I hide them from father?Still,Ican’thelpbutrecoilfromtheshudderofdangerinthedarkone’s voice
I’mnofighter,nowarrior,andofcourageIknowlittle.
Iwanttorunfromhim,Iwanttoscreamoutforhelp ButI’mutterlyfrozeninplace,tuckedupatthefootofastatue,likeI canmakemyselfsmallenoughthathe’llforgetI’mevenhere.
Tarohreleasesaharshbreath.Ittellsofhisreluctance.Butheknowswhohe’sstandinginfrontof what he’sstandingin frontof.
Withascathinglookaimedmyway,Tarohtakesthatpurposefulstepback.Retreat.Thenhe’sturninghisbackonusand stormingupthepath.
Wild-eyed,Istareathisretreatingback Heleavesmeherewiththedokkalf.
I’mnotsurprised Tonighthasplantedpoisonousrootsinmyheart;fears,somanyfears,formyfuturewithTaroh Butto leavemewithadarkmale,evenonewhosavedme,iscruel.Who’stosaythedokkalfwon’tfinishwhatTarohstarted?
Tearsspilldownmyblotchycheeks.Mybreathstremble,butmybodyisrigid.
Idon’theartheleatherscreakasthedarkoneturnsonme.
Inkyhairsweepsoverhiscaramelcomplexion.Butofcourse,it’shiseyesthatholdmyattention.
Hestandsoverme,atowerloomingtoohigh.Hisgazesweepsme,searchingforwoundsitseems.Hismouthissetwitha frownasheliftshisglovedhand andoffersittome.
Thatgesture…
Itdoessomethingtome.
Thedarkfaedon’toffermuchtoanyoneintermsofsympathyorevenpity,noteventotheirbeloveds.It’ssomethingthey knowsolittleabout, compassion.Whentheyshowthesethings,it’spracticed forced.Theintentionmatters,thesegesturesof comfortaretosay,‘do not be afraid’ .
Rightnow,it’salmostlikehe’stryingtoshowmejustthat:Compassion.
Iteasesme.Feelsliketheice-coldwaterthatwasfloodingmestartstodrainoutofmybody.Still,there’senoughofitthat stickstomybones,thenaturalandeternalfearIshouldholdforeverydarkfae,butslowlythetensionrelaxesthroughmybody, andIjustlookupathim.
Icontainabreath,forcingittoreleasesteadily,notshakelikeitwantsto.Momentspass,ourgazeslocked.Neitherofus moves NotuntilIswallowabulbedsobandsniffbackthetears
Snubbinghishand,Ireachoutoverthelushgreenbladesforthevalerianstalk
Hedropshishandtohisside “Areyounotgoingtothankme?”
Thedarknessinhisbarbedaccentchillsmybones
Ihesitateforabeat,handoutstretchedfortherolledvalerian,but…thenIrecognizesomethinginhistone,somethingso ridiculous,sounlikely…
Yet,asIchancealookupathimfrombeneathmylashes,Iseeit…
It’snotthathe’sslidthedaggerbackintothethighstrap,orthathe’ssteppedintothestreamofmoonlightnow,asiftofurther soothemyfear.It’sthathismouthisliftedatthecornerwiththefaintwhisperofasmirk,onesosmall,soslight,thatit’shardly thereatall.
Idon’tlikewhatthatdoestome,howitflipsmybelly.Mymindfloodswithmemories,thosewickedthoughtsIhadofhim lastnightwithmyfingersdelvingintomywetness,myheadturnedtomufflemymoansagainstthepillow Isitshamethathasmyfacehot?
Avoidinghisgaze,Isnatchupthevalerian.
“Ididn’taskforyourhelp,”Imutter,becauseIknowbetterthantoeverletadarkfaethinkI’mindebtedtohim,evenifIam. Thetrembleofmyfingersbetraysme,itbetraysmylingeringfearofhim,butalsotheaftershocksofTaroh.
Hisgazecutsovermyhandsforthebriefestofmoments,thenhe’sstaringdownatmyflushedfaceagain.
Hisheadtiltstotheside,sometendrilsofdarkhair glisteningasthoughdamp sweepintohiseyes.Hewatchesmestand, andIdon’tdoubtheseesthewobbleofmylegsasIdo.
Theearlierthreatinhistoneisgone;nogrowl,onlyice,“AndwhatwouldhehavedoneifIhadn’tfollowedyourquiet cries,ifIhadn’thelpedyou?”
Istufftherolledparchmentintomycleavage.
Hisgazesnapstothemovement hemakesnoefforttohidehissmoulderingstare.Andthereitis.Behindtheveilof practicedcompassion.Inhisnature,thereisnoempathy,nopity.Adarkfaefakesthosegestureswhentheyneedto,buttheir mindsareascoldandunfeelingastheirhearts
Myeyesnarrowonhim.“Noworsethanwhatyoumightdotome,darkone.”
Hisfacehardens.Hisupperlipbreaksthemaskasitcurlsandhestepstowardsme,butnogrowlorsnarlrumblesthrough him.Heonlytakesthatonestepcloser,eyesgleaminglikedeepblueswords.
Ifallbackastep
Hisvoiceisglacierashesays,“Viciousfemale”
Instincthasmebaringmyteethathim,butit’ssubdued,itcomeswithatremordownmyspine I’mnothreat,sohepaysitno mind.Hejustrunsmeoverwithhisfiercegaze,thenturnshisbackonme.
He’sabouttomakehiswaybackupthepath,butthatmeans…I’llbealoneouthereagain,andTarohwillbejustwaitingto getmealone,Idon’tdoubtit Hiswoundedpridewouldfindreassuranceinharmingme “Wait.”Myvoiceissmall.Barelyawhisper.
Still,hehearsit
Somestepsaway,hestops.Iwatchtherippleoftensiontightenhisbackmuscles,andIfleetinglythinkofwaterrunning downastream.
Doesthisdarkmaleknowthatonlylastnightinbed,Ithoughtofhim? Keepinghisbacktome,heonlyhalfturnshishead,anunreadablelookontheprofileofhisshadowedface Hewaits It’sathickmomentthatpulsesbetweenus IttakesmeaheartbeatortwobeforeIsummonupthestrengthtomovemylegs Iwanderovertohim,keepingmypaceslow,casual,butfightingeveryinstincttorunandcryintomyfather’sarms I’mnotsosurefatherwouldhelpme Hewantsthismarriagetohappen,he needs ittohappen,forourestateandourfamily Butthisdarkmalesavedmeandhemightjustbemysourceofcomfortthisnight.
Iliftmyhandlikeit’sadelicatewonderofnaturethatIoffertohim.“Foryourvalour,youhavetheprivilegeofwalkingme tomyvillage.”Iflapmyfingersandholdhisstare.“Thisisthemomentyou thankme. ”
Isayitlikeit’sagreathonour Iignorethatit’smewhooweshimathanks Thebruisesthatstainmypridecomefromthe glaringvulnerabilitythatadokkalfseesmesoweak.ButIrefusehimgratitudebecauseIrefusetoowehimafavour. Hisstonyfacebetraysnothing.
Yethetakesmyhandand gently,asthoughhe’sslowinghismovementsdownformysake,sohedoesn’tspookme brings itaroundtorestonhisforearm.Agentlemanlygesture.
Heturnstofacethepathandwithanodofthehead,gesturesformetoguideus,becauseofcoursehedoesn’tknowwhich directiontotakeformyvillage “Afteryou”
“Naturally,”ImurmurasIfallintostepbesidehim,butmygriponhisarmsteershimwithmysteps. Hedoesn’tbristleattheinsult
Wewalkinsilenceawhile,allthewaythroughthestonemaze,andthenpastthecourt Atthecourt,Itakemyhandoffhis forearmincasefathersees,butIkeeptohisside.IfeelhiseyesonmeasImove,burningintome,watchingeverystepItake. It’sonlywhenwe’renearingRoyalCity,andthecrowdsbegintothinoutagainuntilthereareonlyafewstragglersthatwe pass,thathebreaksthequietbetweenus “Youvexme”
Hisadmissionflickerssurpriseovermyface.Icomposemyselfquicklyand,castingafrownovermyshoulderathim,oneof judgement,Istrollaheadofhim stillwithinarm’sreach,ofcourse.
Inablink,he’sbesideme.Moveslikeashadow,thisone.Alldokkalvesarefast-moving,butthisoneseemslikewhilehe belongstothedarkness,thedarknessbelongstohim,too
Ilookupathim,sotallthatIhavetocranemyneck.“Crowsvexmewhentheystealmybaubles,butIalsofindI’mquite takenbythem.”
Afrownknitshisbrow.Hechewsonwordshedoesn’tspeak,andIwatchtheclenchofhisjawbringapairofdimplesto hissmooth,tannedcheeks.Hiseyesarenarrowedonme,buthelooksawayquickenoughthatitonlyaddsalittlemoretomy fearofhim Onlyalittle
Itisn’tlostonmejusthowmuchfocushe’sputtingonkeepingmecalm onintentionallyavoiding frighteningme
ThroughthequietstreetsoftheRoyalCity,withallresidentsattheHighCourt,hekeepsmywanderingpace.Everyother step,Ifeelhisgazeslicetome,atmyprofile,mywildchestnuthairalldishevelledfromtheattack,theripofmyskirtand blotchytear-streaksonmycheeks,andthewidthofmyhipsthatputmeonthecurvyside.Buthe’squicktolookawayeach time.
ThenIsensehisgazedroptothebronzedsatinclingofmybodiceagainstmycleavage,likeasoftgoldenstreamofwater fallingovermyfullbreasts
Inanswer,Ireachintothematerialanddrawoutthevalerian.
Ipinchitbetweenmyfingersandwatchasheliftshisgazetomine,afaintpinkhueonhischeekbones.HeknowsIcaught himleering,butIdoubtthat’swhatheatshischeeks it’sthethoughtsonhismind.
“Gotaflame?”Iask,asthoughhewasn’tjusteyeingmeuplikehisnewfavouritedessert
Heliftshisglovedhandand,withhisother,tugsoutamatchfromthewristofhisleathers.Hepausesfortheshortestof momentstostrikeitovertheground,thenliftittome.
Tuckingtherolledvalerianbetweenmyswollenlips,Ileanforwardandpuffabreath,twobreaths,three,andthenittakes light Myinhaleofthespicedsmokeisgenerous
Imanagetoholditdeepinmychestallthewaytotheedgeofthelaststreet,tothemouthofthepaththat’lltakemetomy village.Ipausethereandreleaseawindingswordofsmoke.
Idon’tlookathimasIask,“Whoareyou?”
Besideme,hecrosseshisarmsoverhischest.Eveninmyperipherals,thatsomehowonlymakeshimseembigger. “Daxeel”
Iscoffandhandhimtherolledstalk
Hetakesit,bringsittohisfullandrosylips,andit’sapracticedkiss Iwatchtoointentlyashesmokes,andthevapourscloudhisface,butnothiseyes,neverthosepiercingeyes. “Iwasaskingmorethanyourname,”Isaydully,thenstartdownthepath.
Hefollowsatmyside.“IamDaxeel,sonofViscountessMelanthaandGeneralAgnar,fromtheHouseofTaraan,andthe bloodlineofSgail”
Blankly,Istareathim
Hisfacefirmsashehandsmethestalk
HardlytheanswerIwaslookingfor;myquestionwas who are you,notwhat’s your family tree
Myeyesrolltothebackofmyhead.
Hecatchestherudegestureandhissesatme,“What?”
Thesnarledlookofirritationechoeshisearlierwordsinmymind, ‘You vex me. ’ “Youdokkalfmales,”Iexplainbetweeninhalesandpaintasmarmysmileonmybruisedlips.“Eventhesmartestofyour kind…Youmalesalwaysthinkwithsuchbrutish,ineloquentminds.”
Hiseyesglintlikeglaciers “Apologiesfornotthinkinginpoetryasyousoclearlydo”
MyfaceismoodyasIblowapuffofsmokeathim Hedoesn’tsomuchasblink “Maybeyoushouldtrytobringmore poetryintoyourthoughts.Youmightfindbeautyinit.”
“Ifindbeautyenougharoundme.”Hiseyesrakeovermeandhishandreachesouttostealthestalk.“Whenit’sthis bountiful,Iseenouseinlookingformoreelsewhere”
Mycheeksburnhot,butIlookaheadandpretendhesaidnosuchthing SilencecloudsusforabeatbeforeIsay,inasmallvoice,“Ifindbeautyinwords.”
“Anddance,”hesaysquietlytheninhales.“Butalsopoetryandwords,”headds.“Youwanttoaddtothescriptures?”He flicksashontothepath.“Writemoreballadstocollectduskinarchives?”
Thesnarkinhistonedoesn’tgounnoticed Alooked-down-uponcareerinhisrealm,Iguess Butthedarkfaealwayskeep theirhighestrespectforthewarriors,forthediplomatsandnobles,theroyals,andthemaleswhospillthemostblood.Iknow enoughaboutthemtorecognizesomethingheconsidersasillypassion,oneforafemale.
“Iwanttopreservethem,”Ianswer,mymindflickeringtothehomelibrarywithonlyafewsparseballadsinscrolls,since mostwerelostinfather’soldstudy.“Protectthem,”Iaddinawhisper.“ButI’mnoballadspinner,evenifIwantedtobe.”
Heconsidersmeforaheartbeat.“Ifyouhadthewordstospin,howwouldyouwritemyballad?”
Isuckinmylipstobitedownonthesmiledaringtobrewonmyface Ireadbetweenhiswords What do you think of me? ButI’mnotsoreadytogiveupthatinformationjustyet “Yours?”Iarchabrowathimandstealbackthestalk “You underestimatemyobsessionwithmyself.Youwouldbeameresidecharacterinmyballad.”
Thatghostreturns,thesmallandhauntingsmirkonrosylips.“Andwhatyourballadbe?”
Thispathismyenemy.Always,it’sseemedtoolong butnow,aswereachthesteepdeclinedownthehillthatleadsinto thevillage,Irealizeit’ssuddenlyquiteshort
Westandthereatthecuspofthehill
Ilookdownonthevillageandsmoke
Myfather’shomeloomsdarkanddankatthefarend,tuckedintoovergrowngardensandpoorlykeptbarns.Biggerthanthe otherhousesbutfallingintodisrepairasgenerationalwealthtrickledawaylikebeadsofbloodfromafesteringwound.
Thedarkonetracesmygazethere.
“Ordinary,”Ispeaksoftly
Hisbrowpinchesasheturnstofaceme Thequestioninhisgazeisgoneinaheartbeat What would your ballad be?
Ordinary
Hesaysnothing,butacceptstherolledstalkthatIpinchbetweenmyfingersandoffertohim.Hetakesit,buthedoesn’t smokeit.Heonlywatchesme,aslighttilttohishead.
Itakeastepbacktowardsthehill.“I’mNarcissa.”
Myfaceisblank Hisexpressionisstonywiththefaintesthintofcuriosity,likehe’sthinkingabouthow toknowmoreabout me,likehe’sconsideringcrackingmeopen,peelingmeapartandlookinginside,awonderatwhathemightfind.
Anotherstepback.“EveryonecallsmeNari.”
ThenIthrowhimatightsmile,becauseofcourseIwouldneverthankhimforescortingme andhedoesn’taskmeto. Itaketherestofthepathalone,leavinghimatthecuspofthehill. Iwalkhome.
Daxeelstandsthereatthetopofthegrassyhill,shroudedinthedarknessofthenight,hiddenintheshadeofthethicktrees. Hiseyespiercethroughtheshadows,bluebladesaimedatthehalflingthatmovesaroundpuddlesofmudontheroadthat cutsthroughtherottenvillage Sheskipsoversmallerpuddles,side-stepslargerones,andkeepshersandalledfeetascleanas shecanonfoot.
Herbrownhairislightenoughtobringautumnleavestomind;hewatchessomewavesfalloutofherloosebraids.Aspear ofanger,likeanice-dagger,cutsthroughhimashewonders Did her fiancé do that? Did he rip at her braids?
Maybethat’swhyhestandsthere,staysthere,andwatchesheruntilshe’ssafelythroughthegatesofthedarkhomethathe cansmellfromoverhere…thehomethatsmellsdamp.
Still,hedoesn’tleave.Hewaits.
JustashedidtheninthegardensoftheHighCourt.
“Wait,”shehadwhispered,andhe’ddoubtedsheevenknewhervoicecrackedwhenshehadsaidit;thatwhenshe’dheld outherhandforhimtotake,asthoughheshouldfalltohiskneesfortheprivilegeoftouchingher,thathedidn’tseeherfingers tremble;thathedidn’tsmellthefearonher.
Hersnootymaskwasallthathadkepthertogether.
Sohewaitedthen,andhewaitsnow.
Wolveswillsometimeswatchrabbits Watchthemhopandbouncetheirwaybacktotheirhovels,downwhichalltheir youngsurvive,unwittinglyleadingapredatorrighttothem.
Hefrownsatthedarkhousewiththedarkwindows.
Heisn’tthewolf.Nottonight.Nottoher.Butnaturedemandsthatheiswhatheis,andthatisapredator.
Asuddenlightflickersthroughthecrackedglassofabrokenwindow.It’suponthethirdlevel,farontheleft.Orange candlelight,toofaintformostlitalvestomakeout,butascleartohimasthoughitwasthematchhestruckonthestreetforher
Ifsheistogotothatwindowandlookouttothehillwhereshelefthim,shewon’tseehimthere,notevenashesteps forwardandslinksintothelightofthemoon.Thesensationisasinstantasitisuncomfortable;thelightthattoucheshisskin, thathefeelscascadingoverhim,downhisshoulders, licking him It’senoughtosteelhisbody,torepressashudder
Starefixedonthewindow,theonethatcurvesaroundthesideofthehousehecan’tsee theonethattellshimherbedroom overlooksthebarn hepinchesthelightemberofthestalk.Itextinguishesbeforehepocketsit,nottosmokelater,buttokeep. Heturnshisbackonthewindowandonthevillage.
Heleaveswithonethought.
If I bite you, will you scream?
TothinkabouthowitstartedbetweenDaxeelandme,howweletsomethingblossomthatshouldneverbebirthed,andhowI crusheditinmyhand it’sapainI’velivedwithasmypunishment Ibrokehisheart Ishamedhim HowcruelIwastohim.
Myheartsplintersatthethoughtoflifewithouthim,withouteverbeingwithhimagain
Icouldthrowmyselfathisfeetnow andhewoulddrivehisswordintomyback,cutmeintwo.
Iruinedit.Iruinedhim.
Andindoingso,Iruinedme.
Now,inonemeetingwithfather,inthetwomonthsI’llspendatComlarintheMidlands,there’shope.Thischanges everything
SoIletthetearsstreamdownmycheeksasIburstintomyroomandslamthedoorbehindme.ThefirstthingIdoisraceto mywardrobeandripoutthetrunkfromunderit.
Idon’tknowwhatclothesI’mgrabbingandthrowingintoit.Ijustsnatchandtossatrandom.
Beforethelunchbellringsthroughthehouse,I’vepackedmostofmygarmentsandawickerbasketfullofbrokenbaubles I needanothertrunk.
JustasIthinktoaskPandoraforoneofhers,herfamiliarfirmknockrattlesmydoor.Iknowit’sher,Idon’tneedtolook overmyshoulderassheletsherselfinwithoutmysay-so.
Shefindsmesittingonmyfoldedlegsburiedinapileofbooks,scrollsandsandals Mybacktoher,Isiftthroughthe ribbonsformycorsetsthatIrarelywear.I’mmoreofasheerdressorsatinsliplovermyself.
Pandoraisaghostatmydoorforaheartbeat,stillandsilent.Thenshemovesforme,herpacewandering, cautious. Ispeakfirst,“Ineedtoborrowatrunk.”
“Borrowimpliesyou’llreturnit.”Shesitsontheedgeofthecopperwashtubinthemiddleoftheroom.“Ihavesometo spare”
Ijustthrowheradead-eyedlook Nothanks,nogratitude AndthenIstarttowindtheribbonsaroundmyfisttobetterpack them,elsetheygetalltangled.
“WillyoujointhedancersatComlar?”sheasks.Hersleekdarkhairisthreadedintotwobraidsthatcurvealongtheshape ofherhead,thenjoinatthenapeofherneckforatightbun
Dance at Comlar
Ialwaysthoughtitfunnythattheislewassodislikedbybothlandsthatitshowsinthenames;thatthegarrisonand strongholdareComlar,andthatunionoftwocrownsmeantabetternamethanthewholeisleitself,plainlycalledthe Midlands
“Whatelseistheretodo?”Ikeepallthehopewithinmeoutofmyvoice Can’triskPandorapickinguponit “Iknowall thedances,andoutsideofspendingdaysinthescripturehall,Idon’tknowhowI’llfillmytimethere.”
Inanswer,she’squiet. SoamI.
Ipickupthebeadedsilverybraceletfromadishofcheapjewels andIslipitintoasmallcottonbagbeforetuckingit safelyintothetrunk TheonlypieceIstillhaveofmyhumanmother acheap,greyishbracelet It’snotverypretty,butIkeep itforluck,mostlyformydancing.Itmightbemymostprizedpiece,thoughitisentirelyworthless. Pandorasighssoftly.Butshestillsaysnothing.
We’reoftenquiet,orIirritateherformyownentertainment,orwebicker.Sisterslikeanyothers.Butwelackwhatsome sistershave afriendship Wehaveourbond,butfriendship?Notquite Iwonderifit’sbecauseshe’sfullbloodandI’mhalfbloodthatwecan’tseemtofitthosepartsofourselvestogether,orisit thatwe’resowildlydifferentfromeachotherthatwehavelittletobondover? Pandoraisthechildfatherneeded;I’mtheonehewanted.
Withhislatewife,hehadmysister
honourtoouroncegreatlineage
Buthewantedanother.Onehecouldselloffintoapoliticalmarriage.
SohestoleabargainwithmyhumanmotherandreleasedherwhenIpassedinfancyandnolongerneededhernursing.She leftwillingly,neverreturned,andIdon’tevenknowhername Ineveraskedhername Inevercared Iamabargain-bornandthatisallthereistoit
Iknowfatherlovesme,butmaybethereasonIdon’ttellhimaboutTaroh’sattackonmeisthatI’mafraidtolearnhowdeep thatloveis.Wouldhestillsellmeofftothelordson?
“IwrotetoEamon,”Pandoratellsme. Thiscatchesmyattention.
Ilookupather,blanknessonmyface.
“Oncefathersummonedyou,Isentmycrowtodeliveramessage,”sheexplains “Ifiguredyoumightneedhissupport today.”
Thisisherapology.SummoningmybestfriendtomewhenI’mfacedwithComlar,DaxeelandTaroh.Herapologyfornot warningmeaboutanyofit.
It’senoughandInodfirmly Buttogeta thanks frommewouldbelikepullingteeth,soshetakesallIofferand,withthat, leaveswithoutanotherword.
IpackmycorsetsinthetrunkthatKnife,thebrownieservant,dragsintomyroomsomemomentslater.Webothslidedark, narrowedgazestoeachother.
Iknowitwashim KnifewastheonewhotoldfatherIsnuckoutthatnight SoIdon’tcarewhenIknockhimoverinthehall Andhedoesn’tcarewhenhecrushesglassandstuffspilesofitintomyboots.
ButKnifeleavesandit’ssometimelaterwhenhereturnsafterlunchtotellmethatEamoniscomingupthefields. Iabandonmymessyroomandrushouttomeethim.
Eamonalwayscomestovisitfromacrossthefields,neverthroughthevillageitself.Hishome atown isovertheborder, thesamebordermyhomeisperchedbeside
There’sonlyanhourwalkthatseparatesus,theQueen’sCourtfromtheLightCourt.It’sfunnytothinkthathe,ahybrid,lives intheLightCourt,andI’mnevercrassenoughtoaskhimifithurtsatall,theSun.
Today,thelightiskindtohim.Iseethatinthewayitglistenshisdarkerskintoneintosomethingsmoothashewandersout oftheshadeofsomemidnightwillowtrees,anditshineshisblackhairwithabluetint MysmileissmallasIrushupthepacked-dirttrailtomeethimatthecuspofthehill.
HehasRya mysister’smessengercrow perchedonhisshoulder.Frombetweenhissharp,blacknails,Eamonpinches freshbonewormsandfeedsthemtoacontentRya.
“Where’dyougetthose?”Iask
IreachouttoscratchbehindRya’sleftwing.Predictable,ashudderofpleasurerunsthroughthecrow,andhisfeathers ruffle.
Eamonliftsafresh,juicybonewormtothebeak andit’sgoneinasnap.“Pickedthemuponthewalkover.”
Mysmileonlywidensintoacrookedgrin.
Iknowthesewormsaren’tfoundontheearthorevenasmalldigunderthedirt.Theyareburieddeepintothedensof gnomes,afairamountofeffortgoesintoscoopingthemout
Heneverdidgetoverthosegnomesbitinghisankleswhenhewasyoung(soPandoratellsme),longbeforeIwasborn Gnomesdolikeblood,it’slikeawinetothem.
“So,”Istartandfallontomybottomdirectlyintheraysofsunlight,“whatdidmysister’slettersay?”
EamonreachesuptoguideRyaontohishand,thenliftshisfingersinagesture. Fly away.Andthecrowdoesjustthat,glides overthelasthill,thefield,andontotheroofofmyhome
“Itsaidenough.”Eamontakesupaspottositintheshadeofamidnightwillowtree,justoppositeme,butsafefromthe light.Again,Iwonderifithurtshimsometimes,oritfeelsuncomfortablemaybe?
“AboutComlar?”Ipress.
