Affogato
BrewBiz
Book One
Allrights reserved.
This bookor anyportionthereof maynotbe reproducedor usedinanymanner whatsoever withoutthe express writtenpermissionof the publisher exceptfor the use of brief quotations ina bookreview This bookis a workof fiction Anyresemblance topersons,places,jobs,or events is purelycoincidental
Cover by:Natasha Snow Designs
Editing:Abrianna Denae
Contentwarnings:This book contains avideo ofabreakupgoing viralthat was takenwithout the consent ofthe main character, anattemptednon-consensualkiss not betweenmaincharacters, audism, ableism, identitystruggles, andsome mentions/instances ofhomophobia, past childhoodneglect andlanguage deprivationinthe formofdenying d/Deafchildren access to signlanguage.
Foreword
Author Notes
Affogato
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Epilogue EMLindseyLinks
AlsobyE.M. Lindsey Aboutthe Author
Foreword
The primarylanguage inAffogatoisAmericanSignLanguage. Inthe book,it is translatedratherthantransliterated,soit readsasEnglish,howeverASLhasitsown grammarandstructure. If you'dlike toknowmore about ASLgrammar,please refer HEREtothe Lifeprint website. Thisbookalsousessome colloquialASLphrasesand idiomsthat cannot be directlytranslatedexactly. Those willbe showninitalics.Always remember,if youplantolearnanysignedlanguage,choose aDeaf instructor.
Thisbookalsocontainsanautisticcharacterwhichisaverydiverse spectrum disorder,andnot one-size-fits-all.Some of Bodhi’straitsare sensory-seekingwhich meansapreference forphysicaltouchandmovement,andselective mutismwhich affectsbothvoice andASL.
Thisbookalsodoesnot use person-first language,I.E.charactersare Deaf people, not people whoare Deaf,ortheyare autistic,not people whoare autistic.Person-first language isapersonalchoice,andnot everyone’spreference.
Despite finding success in his career, the BrewBiz Deaf Café owner's love life is another story. Because Caleb's longest relationship just came to a screeching halt when his ex cheated. Then dumped him Publicly And the video of it went viral Resigned to his fate of being famous only because the world saw his public humiliation, Caleb turns sour and bitter. It's easy to hide his feelings after that, and it's even easier to ignore what his heart really wants: the new hire who's so anxious, he jumps at his own shadow. It also doesn’t help that Bodhi is too young, too good looking, and too sweet for a man like Caleb to ever deserve him.
Especially when Caleb's been nothing but terrible to him from the moment they met. But there's more to Bodhi's story than meets the eye, and he might just be the man who can teach Caleb the meaning of love without strings, or expectations.
The kind of love that leads to real happily ever afters
“IT’S NOT PERSONAL.Butit’sagoodtimetotell youthatIthinkweshouldbreakup.”
Calebblinked,thenshookhisheadlikemaybehewasjusthighoncoffeefumesor somethingand wasn’tunderstandinghisboyfriendcorrectly.
Butno.No, apparently,hewas.
CameronstoodtherewiththatlittlesmirkonhisfaceCalebalwaysfuckinghated,hishands hangingkindoflooseintheair likehecouldn’tbebotheredtosignwithmorethanthebareminimum effort.
Calebtoldhimselfthetrembleinhisfingerswasfromthecaffeineandnotfromtheadrenaline rushingthroughhissystemashewasapparentlygettingdumped,“Isaw youonInstagramkissing someguy,andyou’redumpingme,andtellingmeit’snot personal?”
Cameronwas also dumpinghiminfrontofanaudience,Calebsuddenlynoticed.
HezeroedinontheexpressionCameronwore,andthewayhispupilsweredilated,andhe immediatelyknew hisnow-exhadnotonly planned this,buthewasenjoyingit.Cameronwasthe kindofguywholikedtolaughatpeoplewhotrippedandfell onthestreet,soitwasnosurprisehe wasgettingpleasureoutofhurtingCalebinfrontofacrowd.
Hedidn’tknow whyheexpectedbetter,buthehadassumedCameronwouldhaveallowedhimto retainsomeofhisprivacyinamomentlikethis.They’dbeentogether for threeyears,for fuck’ssake. Calebsortofassumedhe’dearnedsomekindofrespect.
Or,attheveryleast, dignity.
Cameron’swholechestmovedwithhissigh.“Okayfine.It is personal,butshithappens,C.”C. Likehecouldn’tbebotheredtouseCaleb’sactual signname,whichwashardlyanymoreeffortthan theletter.“Andeven you havetoknow thatthingsbetweenushaven’tbeengreat.Imean,whydoyou thinkJavier andIstartedsleepingtogether.”
Well,no.He hadn’t knownthingsweresobadhisboyfriendstartedcheating,thankyouvery fuckingmuch.
Heknew thatover thelasttwoyearshe’dbeenbusier thanhe’dever beeninhislifebecause owningandrunningacaféwasthehardestthinghe’dever done.Hewasfightingpeoplewhowanted toturnhisall-Deafcaféintoagimmickinsteadoftakinghimseriouslyasanactual business.
And hewaslearningawholenew skill setbecausehedefinitelydidnothavethekindofmindfor marketingor numbers.
Somaybehewasn’taspresentashe’dbeenwhentheyfirstgottogether,buthethoughtCameron hadunderstoodthatsometimespeoplehadtomakesacrificesfor their dreams.Godknowshe’ddone thatenoughfor Cameronover theyears.
Butapparently,hewaswrongaboutthattoo.Andnow hecouldn’tgetthegorgeous,dark-haired guyoutofhishead.Javier wholivedintownandhadaGermanShephardthatlookedtoomuchlike theoneCaleb’sbrother owned.Javier,whohadasmilelikethesun,whoapparentlyhadnoproblem postingphotosofhimkissingamanwhohadaboyfriendtohispublicInstagramfor theworldtosee.
“Younever saidanything,”hesigned,hiswristsfeelingweak.“Ifyouwerethismiserable,why didn’tyoutell mebeforeyoucheated?”
Cameronmadethatfacehedidwhenever hethoughtCalebwasbeingtoosensitive.“Ididn’tthink Ineededto.Whenwasthelasttimewecouldn’tkeepour handsoffeachother,C?Whenwasthelast timewejusttoreateachother’sclothesandwentatitfor hours?”
Calebblinkedathim,notquitesurehow toanswer thatconsideringthey’dbeentogether for damn near adecadeandhewasn’tsureitwassupposedtobethehoneymoonphaseafter thatlong.Butfuck, wasthattheproblem?Was he theproblem?Hischeeksstartedtoburnwithbothhumiliationand panic.
Hadthey ever beenthathotandheavy?Maybeinthebeginning,butitwasnew then.Theywere younger.Andtheyweren’tevenexclusivelydating.Calebhadbeenworkingasamaintenanceguyfor somefortunefivehundredcompany,andCameronhadbeenfinishingupthelastyear ofhisMBAand doinghisinternshipinaccounting.
They’dstartedsneakingaroundduringtheir shifts,andithadbeenfun,butitwasn’tmeanttobe serious.Buttwoyearsafter their foolingaround,Cameronaskedhimonadate,andthatwasthat.
Calebhadn’texpectedthemtokeepupthatkindoffireforever.Hehadn’texpectedtostay perpetuallyhornyfor hisboyfriendafter theymovedintogether.Heassumedtheyweredoingtheright thing settlingdownwhentheystartedtalkingaboutmarriageandafuture.
Hewasn’texactlyarelationshipexpertor anything,butfor fuck’ssake,hedidn’tknow anyone whocouldliveuptoCameron’sdemands.
Thefairytalesalwaysstoppedatthefirstkiss,butanentirelifetimeexistedbeyondthem,andthey weren’tall midnightrendezvousandballroomdancingandrescuingdamselsfromtheir locked towers.
“Saysomething,”Cameronurged.“Sayanything.Givemeareasontokeepstandinghere.”
Calebfeltbothfuriousandsickasheglancedoutofhisperipherytoseeatleastfour people tryingtolookcasual astheyheldcell phonespointedatthem.Hisfacestartedtogohotagain,and slightlynumb,andhismindwentalittlefoggy.Itwasanew sensation.
Heliftedhishandstoformsomekindofreply,butwhatthefuckwashemeanttosay?Anddidhe reallyneedtosayitinfrontofpeoplewhowererecordinghim?
Jesus,someonewasgoingtopostitonlineandtalkabouthow fuckingbeautiful ASLwas,all whileCaleb’slifewasbeingturnedupsidedown.
Shit,hewasgoingtobesick.
“Doyouwantmetobegfor youtostay?”hefinallyasked. Cameronlaughed.“Ifyouwantto.Ialwayslikedseeingyouonyour knees.Butifyouwant honesty,itwon’thelp.I’malreadypacked,andbythetimeyougethome,mostofmystuffwill be gone.”
God,how longhadhebeenplanningthis?
“Soyouandhimarea thing now.”
“Please,C.You know I’vebeenhalfoutofthisrelationshipfor awhilenow.”WhenCaleblooked intohisface,hesaw thatCameron’spupilshaddilatedandhislipsweretwistedintoasmirk.Hewas enjoyingthissomuch.“I’vebeensleepingaroundonyousincewemet.Javi isn’tthefirst.Iknow
you’renot that stupid.”
Hestumbledbackafew stepslikehe’dbeenhit,thespacenear theleftsideofhisribshurting likehewashavingagoddamnheartattack.Fuck,hecouldn’t breathe.Hisfingersshookharder with hisreply.“Whythehell doyouthinkI’dknow thatyouweresleepingaround?Doyouthinkwe’dbe havingthisconversationrightnow ifIknew youwerecheatingthewholetime?”
Cameronrolledhiseyes.“Youwerealwayssodramatic.”
TherewasmoremovementinhisperipheryandCalebrealizedhecouldn’ttakeit.Cameron thoughtitwasajoke,therandomstrangersaroundhimthoughtitwassomekindofperformanceart piece,andhislifewascrumblingathisfeet.
For asecond,hefeltlikehewasdying.Hewasoutsideofhisbody,entirelynumb,watchingit happentosomeoneelse.
Help,hewantedtobeg. Someone fucking help me.
Then,suddenly,therewasahandonhiswrist.Heyankedhimselfback,hisfightor flightrippling uphisspine,andhealmoststartedpunchingbeforeherecognizedthedarkhair andlightbrowneyes ofhisnewestemployee.Aninstantcalmstoleover him almostliketheeyeofhisemotional storm waspassingover themboth.
Bodhi.Theyounger mangrazedthebackofCaleb’swrist.Histouchwasso, so warm.
CalebwasfinallyabletotakeabreathandhisgazefixedtoBodhi’slipsbecausetheguynever, ever signedwhentherewerepeoplewatching.“Comewithme.”
Calebwastheworstatreadinglips,buthewashyper focused,sohewasabletounderstand.And evenifhehadn’t,Bodhi touchedhisshoulder andgentlypropelledhimtowardthedoor.Calebwas onlybarelyawareofhisbrother passingbyhim,hishandsflyingalongwithLuke’swhowas presumablyexplainingtoWrenwhatthehell hadjusthappened.
Because,ofcourse,itwasn’tjuststrangerswhohadwitnessedthewholething.Itwasevery customer inthecafé,andeveryemployeethatworkedunder him.
JesusGodin heaven justburyhimunder cementandleavehimthere.
Calebwasentirelyunawareofmovingthroughthecaféandintohisofficeuntil hewasbeing pushedintohiscushychair,andthenBodhi waskneelinginfrontofhim.Hislipsweremoving, probablysayingsomethingsoothing,butitsetCaleboff.
Hishandslappeddownonthewood,makingBodhi jump,hiseyesstaringup,wideandterrified. “Ican’tunderstandyou.Ican’treadlips.How manytimesdoIhavetotell youthat?”
“Sorry,”Bodhi signedquicklyhiseyesdartingaway,hisfistmovinginastutteredcircleover his heart.
Hewasn’tnearlyasexpressiveasheneededtobe,andWrenhadmentionedthathehadafeeling Bodhi wasonthespectrum.Neither oneofthemwantedtomakeassumptions,though,andBodhi hadn’tsaidanythingaboutit,soCalebfelthewasn’twrongtoassumeBodhi wasjustbeinglazy.
“Sorry,”Bodhi signedagain.Hestoodupandtookafew stepsback,andfor somereason,the spacebetweenthemcausedCaleb’spanictoriseharder andfaster thanbefore.
Hedidn’trealizethathewasgaspingfor breathuntil Bodhi wasrushingforward,droppingtohis kneesandpressingahandtoCaleb’schest.HetappedoutacountonCaleb’swrist: one, two, three. One, two, three.
Onandonitwentuntil Calebcouldfill hislungsagain,andhisheadwasn’tspinning,anditdidn’t feel likehewasabouttotoppleoffthesideofafuckingmountain.Helickedhislips,histongue painfullydry,andhegropedaroundontheshelfbehindhischair for hiswater.
Itwastepidwhichmadeiteasier toswallow,andhepassedahanddownhisfacewhichwas
shakinglikehewasoutinafrigidwinter.Alaughbubbledagainstthebackofhisthroat,anditmust havebeenloudbecauseBodhi startledandalmostfell back.
“Sorry,”Calebsigned,thenshookouthishandtotryandgethislimbstocalmdown.Hisfighthad turnedintoflightandall hewantedtodowasraceoutthesidedoor andgohomeandnever look back.“Idon’tknow what’shappeningtome.”
“Panicattack,”Bodhi spelled,slow onhisfingers.“Igetthemall thetime.Haveyouhadone before?”
Calebshookhishead.“No.Mybrother getsthem,though.Ijustdidn’trealizetheyfeltlikethat.”
“Likeyou’redying?”Bodhi asked.
Calebscoffedandleanedback,rotatinghiswristsbeforeheanswered.“Isthatwhatit’slikefor you?”
Bodhi stoodup,butinsteadofmovingaway,heperchedhishipagainstCaleb’sdesk,andCaleb didn’twanttoadmithow grateful hewasthatBodhi wasstill crowdedinkindofclose.Itshould havefeltclaustrophobic,butinstead,itwasjustasmall comfort.
“Notalways,”Bodhi signed.“SometimesIgetreallyangryandIdon’trealizeit’sapanicattack until it’sover.It’slike,everysensationjustpissesmeoff,andIwanttoscreamandhitthingsuntil I cantakeafull breath.”
Calebfrozeandwonderedifmaybehe’dbeenhavingpanicattacksfor alongtime,becausein spiteofthefactthathewasgenerallyahappypersonwhoenjoyedbeingaroundhisfriendsandhis brother,hehadhisrandomangrymoments.
Hehadmorethanhisfair share,actually,especiallylately.AndGod,whatifthatwaswhy Cameroncheated?Whatifhe’ddrivenhimto…
HesnappedoutofhisthoughtsatthesightofBodhi’shandwaving.“Areyoupanickingagain?”
Calebtookaquickassessment,thenshookhishead.“No.”Hepausedfor alongsecond.“Didyou seeeverything?”
“Isaw mostofit,”Bodhi confessed,lookingalittlesheepish.“Ididn’tunderstandeverything. Youbothsignsofast.”
Calebbristledatthecriticismuntil herealizedBodhi wasaimingthatcommentathimself.Caleb wastryinghisbesttobepatientwithhim.AccordingtowhatBodhi hadtoldWren,heandhisbrother wereborndeaftoahearingfamilywhohadmainstreamedthetwins.They’donlystartedlearning ASLtheir freshmanyear ofcollege,andhewasnow inhislastsemester ofhissenior year.
HeremindedhimselfthatWrenhadgonethroughalmosttheexactsamething.Caleb’sparentshad onlygiveninandsenthimtotheDeafschool becauseunlikeWren,Caleb’simplantshadfailed,and hestubbornlyrefusedtobehaveinhisspeechtherapy.EventuallyhismomrealizedifCalebwas goingtohavealife,she’dhavetosendhimsomewherehecouldunderstandandbeunderstood.
ThenWrenbecamethegoldenchildandCalebhadhatedhimfor solong until herealizedhow muchWrenhadsufferedbecauseofit.
Andmaybehewastakinghisfrustrationsoutonaguywhoreallydidn’tdeserveitbecauseBodhi wassweet.Hewasalotsweeter toCalebthanhedeservedmostofthetime.He’dshowedupwith hisresumeinhisbagandSignedEnglishonhishandsandapromisethathewouldgetbetter because hewastiredoflivingthewayhewasliving.
Calebhadprotested,butWrenhadfoughtfor him,andnow Calebcouldseewhy. Atthetime,Calebjustassumedhisbrother hadacrush.Itmadesense,consideringBodhi was obscenelygoodlookingandeasytogetalongwithsolongasthepersondidn’thavethesamechipon hisshoulder Calebdid.
Andhell,maybehewasjust…jealous.Hislifehadobviouslybeenashit-show for awhilenow, hejusthadnoideauntil Camerondecideditsetitall onfire.Publicly.
“DoyouthinkIdidthis?”Calebfoundhimselfasking. Bodhi’seyeswidened.“Didwhat?”
“DroveCamerontocheat.”
Bodhi’smouthdroppedopen,butbeforeCalebcouldcorrecthim,itsnappedshut.“No.Isthat whathetoldyou?”
Calebbithislip,thenshookhisheadandmadesuretosignslower thanhenormallywouldso Bodhi couldfollow.“No.ButheactedlikeIhadnorighttobeangryor surprisedthathedid.He assumedIknew thiswascoming.Somaybeitwasmyfault.MaybeIbringouttheworstin everyone.”
Bodhi lookedhorrified,andCalebfeltawarmpulseofaffectionfor himbecausehecertainly hadn’tdoneanythingtoearnBodhi blindlytakinghisside.“There’snothingworsethancheating.”He spelledthelastwordpainfullyslowlyandstiffalmostlikehisfingerswerehurting.“Andnothingyou didtohimwouldmakeyoudeservebeingtreatedlikethat.Nothing.”
“Itdoesn’tmatter,”hesignedafter abeat.Hishandswereshakinglessnow,thankGod.“He alreadymovedout.”WhenBodhi frownedinconfusion,Caleblaughed,thefeelingofitbitter against thebackofhisthroat.“Hejusttoldmehe’salreadygotsomeonemovinghisstuffout.He’sclearly beenplanningthisfor awhile.”
“Hedidn’teventalktoyouaboutit?”
“Notuntil tonight.”Calebshruggedandsatback,rubbingathiseyesuntil hesaw stars.Whenhis visionclearedagain,hegaveBodhi atired,flatlook.“Canyougogetmybrother?”
TherewasaflashofhurtinBodhi’seyesthathewasbeingsoeasilydismissed,butCalebdidn’t havetheenergytoprioritizetheguy’sfeelingsrightthen.Hewantedtobeabletosignfaster and looser thanclassroomASL,andnotdouble-checkeveryhandplacementtomakesureBodhi understood.
Everythingfeltlikeitwascoveredinathicklayer ofstaticelectricity kindoffuzzyandfoggy, yetsharpatthesametime.Hisskinhurt,andhewonderedifWrenfeltlikethiseverytimehe spiraled.
“Please,”headdedwhenBodhi carefullysteppedaway.“Ineedtogohome.”
Atthat,Bodhi softenedimmediately.“BRB,”hespelled,thenhewasoutthedoor.
Themomenthewasalone,thewallsstartedtopressdownaroundhim,andCalebfoughtfor breathbeforeheremindedhimselfthatthiswasagoodthing.Hewasn’tinlovewithCameron anymore.Helovedhim.
Maybe.
Probably.
Thoughhewasn’tsurehebelievedthatnow,ifhewasbeinghonestwithhimself.He’dbeen contentinhislifewithCameron.Hewasgladtohavesomeonetocomehometo tosleepbesideand sharebreakfastwithinthemorningwhenever Cameronwashomefor it.
HewastoohappytobelievethateverythingwasgoodanditwasprobablybecauseCalebhated change.Andhehatedbeingalone.
Was that love?
Theprospectofstartingover wasmoreterrifyingthanadjustingtobeingalone,buthewaspretty surerelationshipsshouldrunalotdeeper thanjusthavingsomeonearoundtofill thesilences.
Hisheadsnappedupwhenthedoor swungopenandWrenpokedhisheadin.Hisbrother looked
almostsheepish,andCalebwasafraidtoask.Instead,hisgazeflickereddowntoWren’shandto checkfor bloodyknucklesbecauseWren’ssolutionstendedtocomeattheendofhisfists.
“Ishegone?”Calebasked,closinghiseyesinalongblink.
“Yeah,he’sgone.Hewon’tbeback.”Wrendraggedanindustrial sackofflour over totheedgeof Caleb’sdeskandsatdownonitlikeitwasabeanbagchair.
Calebnodded,thenfeltahotrushofemotionclawingatthebackofhisthroatandwithsome horror,herealizedhewasabouttocry.Hebittheinsideofhischeek.Hard.“CanIstayatyour place tonight?”
Wrenfrowned.“Areyousure?”
Caleb’sfinger hoverednear hischest.“I…”
Andthenthefuckingdambroke.Hefelthottearscoursingdownhischeeksandthetightnessinhis throatashetriedtoforcebreathout.Wrenwasonhisfeetinstantly,grabbingCalebroundthebackof theneckandholdinghimtight.Hecouldfeel thesobsripplingatthebackofhisthroat,andhedidn’t giveashithow loudhewas.Letall thecustomershear.They’dalreadyseentheworstpartofthat night,anyway.
Hefeltshakyall over again,andwrungoutlikeauseddishcloth.All hewantedtodowascurl up under hiscoversandlaythereuntil thesefeelingspassed.Buthealsoknew itdidn’tworklikethat. Oncehewasunder control,hepulledbackandswipedhishandsover hisface.
“Sorry…”hestartedoncehe’dpulledbackenoughtogivethembothsigningspace.
“Don’t,”Wrensnapped.“He’sluckyIdidn’tbeathisfuckingfaceunrecognizable.”
Calebrolledhiseyes,buthefeltthebarestsmiletouchhislipsbecausehelovedhisbrother so much.He’dspentalotofyearsresentinghisbrother,andwhilehe’ddoneeverythinginhispower to makeupfor it,hewasn’tsurehe’dhavebeenasforgivingasWrenwas.
Buthewasprofoundlygrateful for itnow.
“Hesaidhe’smovingouttonight,butIdon’tknow ifIcanbeinthatcondorightnow.Or ever,”he added.
Wren’sbrowslifted.“Youwanttomove?You love your place,”hesaid,usinga fist-kiss for emphasis.“Youcan’tletthatuglypieceofshittakeyour homefromyou.”
Calebbithislip,thenletoutalongsighbecause true biz,hedidlovehiscondoasmuchashe lovedhiscafé.Cameronhadn’tgivenasinglefuckwheretheylivedsoCalebhadbeentheonetodo all thereal estatehunting,payingeverydimeandkeepingitall inhisnamebecauseCamerondidn’t wantthestressofownership.He’dalsotakencareofall thedecorating,turningtheplacefromhouse tohome.
For Caleb,ithadbeenhissanctuary hardfought,hardwon.
For Cameron,ithadbeenaplacetolayhisheadandoccasionallyfuckCalebwhenhewasbored or horny.
Soyeah,Wrenwasright.Hedidn’tneedanew place.Hejustneededtopurgeitofall thethings thatremindedCalebofwhathadoncebeen.
HelookedupwhenWrentouchedhiswrist.“Youcanstaywithmeaslongasyouwant.Mousey will behappytohavehisunclethere.”
Calebwantedtocryall over againatthethoughtofbeingabletocuddlewithWren’sGerman Shephard.MousewasWren’shearingdog,andhewasmassive.He’djustturnedseven,sohewasout ofthepuppyphaseandhappytocuddlemorethanhewantedtotear-assaroundtheyardanddestroy thingswhenhewasn’tonduty.
AndCaleblovedhimmorethanmostofthepeopleWrenbroughtaround.
“Wouldyoumindclosinguptonight?IthinkIneedtogetoutofhere.Therewerepeople filming…”
“Iknow,”Wrensigned,hisfingersgivinganangrytapagainsthistemple.Hisfacewasdrawn withfury.“Itriedtotakecareofthat,too.Acoupleofthemwerethegirlsfromthenail shopnext door,soI’mgoingtobetalkingtoMindytomorrow.”
“Justleaveit,”Calebtoldhimashepushedtostand.Hedidn’thavetheenergyfor thatkindof fight.Hewasnostranger tobeingfilmedbyrandosinpublicsincetheadventoflivestreamingand phoneswithprofessional-level camerasinthem.
Ashesteadiedhimself,hisbodyfeltalittleweakandhisheadwasfoggy,buthewasmorestable thanbefore.SolongasCameronreallywasgoneandhecouldgettohiscar inpeace,he’dbefine. “I’mgoingtogooutthebackdoor soIdon’thavetotalktoanyone.Idon’tthinkIcanhandle explainingwhathappenedtoeveryoneelse.”
Wrennodded,tappinghisY-handintheair. Peh-peh.“Ithinktheygetit.Weall hatedCameron anyway,andwekindofsaw thiscoming.”
Caleb’sbrowsflew up,andasmall partofhimwantedtodemandtoknow whythefucknoneof themhadsaidanythingbeforenow,buthealsoknew heprobablywouldn’thavebelievedthemif they’dtried.Hewouldhavepickedafightanditwouldhaveendedbadly,andah hell,hadhebecome thatbosseveryonewastryingtoavoid?
OneoftheperksofbeingintheDeafcommunitywastrustingtheblunthonestyofthepeople aroundhim,sowhatdidthatsayabouthimthatnoonewaswillingtobetruthful?
Beforehecouldask,or startfallingapartagain,Wrenwastugginghimcloseandhugginghimtight withonehand,theother rubbingasoothinglineuphisside.Hecouldfeel afaintrumblecomingfrom hisbrother’schest,butheknew Wrenwasn’tspeaking.Hewasjusthummingthewayheusedtodo whentheywereyounger.
Thevibrationsweresoothingandsoft,likethewayCalebalwaysimaginedamelodywouldbe. Hepulledbackafter abeatandtippedhisfingersfromhischin.“Thanks.”
Wrenshovedhimwithasmall grin.“Gohome.Ihaveplentyoficecreamandcookiesifyouneed comfortfood.Andtheguestroomisclean,soit’sall yours.”
Calebreachedoutandsqueezedagriparoundthebackofhisbrother’sneckinagentlethanks,his other handshootinghimafour-fingered IRLY,thenturnedonhisheel,grabbedhiskeysfromhisdesk, andescapedbeforehecoulddelayanyfurther.Hereallydidjustneedsomespacefromall thechaos. He’dfigureouttherestasitcame.
THE ONLY GOOD thingaboutthechatter inhisclasswastheconstantstreamofnoise.ItallowedBodhi tofuckwiththesettingsonhisappsohecouldadjusthishearingaidstofilter themoutandbetter hear theprofessor.Atleast,that’swhatwas supposed tohappen.Hisaudiologisthadpromisedhim thesenew,gut-wrenchinglyexpensivelittledeviceswerecapableofmakinghislifeeasier.
Andtheydidfilter outthebackgroundnoise.He’dgivethemthat.TheyalsohadBluetoothsohe couldstreammusic,whichhelpedhimwhenthechaoticnoiseofbeingoncampusstartedtogivehim amigraine.Buteventheslightestsoundswereoverwhelmingatthebestoftimes,andhewasfighting theurgenottoshutthemoffcompletelyandsinkintohissilence.
Beingborndeafwasprobablythebestthingthatcouldhavehappenedtohisautisticbrain becauseall hehadtodowastakehishearingaidsoutanditwouldremoveoneofthestressorsthat hadhimfightingoffsensory-overloadmeltdowns.Buthehadlecturesall afternoon,sotherewasno peacetobehadthatday.Andwhilehehadworkwhichwouldallow himsilence,itcamewiththe demandfor signing.
AndBodhi hated signingwherepeoplecouldseehim.
Mostofthetimeitwastheoverwhelmingawarenessofhearingpeoplestaringathim.
AndtherestwasthehumiliationofbeingsurroundedbyabunchofDeafpeoplewhosehandsand fingersmovedelegantly,likeflowingwater,whilehewaslikeagoddamntoddler tryingtolearnfine motor skills.
Bodhi’dhadbigdreamswhenheandhisbrother startedcollege.Hewasfreeofhisoppressive grandparentsandtheir banonsignlanguage,whichmeanthe’dbeabletoembracethelanguagethat camenaturallytohisbrain.Andearlyon,he’dbeenmotivatedandexcitedtosetfootintoaculture he’donlyseenontheinternet.
Hisfreshmanyear ASLprofessor hadintroducedhimtoOscar,aformer TAofhisthat occasionallyworkedasaDeafmentor andhadagreedtobehisthatfirstsemester.Butitdidn’ttake longfor Bodhi torealizethatmaybehedidn’tfitinwithDeafculture,either.Hisbrainjustdidn’t workthewayother people’sdid.Inclass,hewasconstantlyandgentlycriticizedfor hisslow progress,andhisstrugglewithfacial expressions,andhisdistractingstimming.
Itwashumiliationtowatchhisbrother histwin,younger bythreeminutes embracetheir identityandimmediatelyfindaplacefor himselfwhileBodhi still existedonthefringes,weird, unwanted,andunliked.
Ravi hadgoneoutofhiswaytoincludeBodhi,buthealsothrew himselfintothecommunity joiningtheDeafClubandattendingall theevents,andgoingvoice-offfor nearlyall ofhisday.He never gaveupontryingtogetBodhi involved,butthemorehepushed,themoreBodhi panicked.
Andafter hisfirstyear,catchingseveral peopletakingvideosofhisconversations,Bodhi couldn’tbringhimselftodoitanymore.Everytimehethoughtaboutpeoplewatchinghimlikehewas somekindofzooanimal,histhroatwouldgettight,andthepanicwouldoverwhelmhim,andhe’d shutdown.
Or,whenitwastheworst,he’dhaveapublicmeltdown.Andhewasgoddamnsickandtiredof those.He’dbeendeterminedsavethemfor whenhewashidingunder hisblanketinhisdormroomso hewouldn’thavethesamereputationhehadinhighschool,butitwasnexttoimpossiblewhen almosteverythingwasatrigger.
Theonlycomfortingthingatthemomentwasthathewasinhisfinal semester ofhissenior year. Andwhilehehadanother twoyearsofgradschool loomingover him,he’datleastbealmostdone withall thejackassfratboyswhoeither mimickedhisaccentor mockedhisstimmingfingersbecause theynever quitematuredpastsixthgrade.
Hewaslookingforwardtothedayhedidn’thavetodothisanymore.Ofcourse,thatmeantfacing hisfutureandfiguringoutwhatthehell hewantedtodowithit,butthatwasaproblemfor future Bodhi.
CurrentBodhi wasbusygivingupontryingtoensurehecouldhear hisprofessor sohedidn’t bombhisnextquiz.
Hisstomachtwistedinonitselfandhetookabreathuntil thenauseapassed.
Thedoor openedshortlyafter heknew withthewayeveryoneturnedtolook andthecrotchety oldhistoryprofessor hobbledhiswaytothefrontoftheroom.Evenwiththeseatnearesttothe podium,Bodhi couldnever understandProfessor Johnson.Hisvoicewasafaint,wispyechoofwhat ithadprobablyonce-beenwhenhewasayounger man.Bodhi gotbywithborrowingnotesfrom kinder studentswhosatnear him,anddoingmorethantheassignedreadinginorder tostayaheadof theinformationJohnsonwasgiving.Itwasn’tideal,buthe’dmanagedtoscrapebyonaBaverage thatway.
“Good…time…begin.Notes…chapter…pagetwo…ty.Whowants…first?”
Henarrowedhiseyesandfocusedontheprofessor’slips,thenprayedtoGodhewouldn’tmiss anythingasthelecturebegan.
Bodhi washalfwaydownthecorridor andalmosttofreedomwhenhefeltsomeonetugonhisarm. Thesensationshotstraightuphisneck,anditwasonlyalifetimeofmaskingthatkepthimfrom visiblycringingasheturnedtoseeacouplesororitysisterswearingmatchingpinsandhair so similar,hestruggledtotell themapart.HewasprettysuretheysatinthebackofJohnson’sclass whentheybotheredtoshow.
Thetallestone whowaspresumablytheir packleader offeredhimwhatheassumedwasa placatingsmile.
“Ummyes?”hesaidaloud.
“Yeah,so,you’relike…deaf,right?That’swhatthosethingsarefor?”Shepointedtohishearing aids,andhefelthischeeksheatup.
“Ican’tteachyousignlanguage,ifthat’swhatyou’reasking,”hetoldher flatly. Sherolledher eyes.“Dude.No. Ew.Butdidyouhear ohshit.Sorry,”shesaid.
Bodhi blinkedinconfusion,andittookhimagoodseveral secondstorealizewhatshethought
wasafauxpas.Hewavedher off.“It’sfine.”
Her cheekswerefaintlytingedpink,butshenoddedandsquaredher shoulderslikeshewasabout togiveaspeechtotheUN.“Cool.So,didyouhear aboutthatvideothatwentviral?Someoneshotit lastnightatthatcaféwithall the…”Shewavedher handinamockeryofASLwhichhe’dlong-since grownusedtoseeing.
Ittookhimanother secondtoprocesswhatshewassayingagain,thenhorror stoleover him becauseherealizedshewastalkingabouttheother nightatBrewBiz.AndCaleb’sbreak-up.Bodhi hadseenthepeoplebytheir carstakingvideoontheir phoneswhenCalebandCameronhadtheir confrontationoutside,buthehadn’treallythoughtaboutitatthetime.
HewasmorefocusedongettingCalebthehell outoftherebecauseBodhi recognizedaraging panicattackwhenhesaw one,consideringhehadthematleasttwiceaday.Cameronhadswaggered intothelobbyandhadmadeasceneuntil Calebagreedtogooutfrontwithhim,andtenminuteslater, all hell hadbrokenloose.
Itwaspossiblenoonewouldhaveevenknownwhatwasgoingon,butWrenhadbeenwatching outthewindow andBodhi hadseenitwhentheyounger brother’sfacewentpale.Thenredand pissed.
Bodhi wasthenewestemployeeatBrewBiz,buthe’dbeentherelongenoughtowitnessWren’s temper atleasthalfadozentimes.Itwasnever aimedattheemployees,butwhenever shittyhearing peoplecamein,actingliketheir signmenuwassomekindofjoke,Wrenunleashedhispassive aggressivehell onthem.
Andsometimes inrarer cases he’ddropthepassivepart.
Swallowingthickly,Bodhi lookedupattheblonde.“Doyouhaveit?CanIseeit?”
“Yeah.Um.Wewereactuallykindofhopingyoucouldtell uswhattheyweresaying.It’slike super rudethatnooneevencaptionedit,youknow?Youknow how thatis,right?”
Heignoredthatcommentinfavor ofstaringdownather phonescreen,andsureenough,therewas Caleblookinglikehewantedtobesickall over hisshoes,andCameronlookinglikehewastaking actual joyinhurtingtheother man.
Bodhi feltmoreragewellingupinhim.
He’dwantedtopunchCameronlastnight.Now hewantedtosethisfaceonfire. “Could…for…please?”
Bodhi lookedupatthewomaninfrontofhim.“What?”
“Iaskedifyoucouldtranslateitfor us,”shesaid,soundingannoyedandimpatientnow.
Bodhi tookastepback,debatedaboutasnarkyanswer beforehedecidednoanswer wasbetter, andhewalkedoff.Hewasprettysuretheycalledacoupleinsultsafter him,butthesoundblended intotheother formlessnoisesthatjustcompiledintohisever-growingheadache.
Hisbagfelttooheavyandall hewantedwastoescapetohisdormandrockquietlyonhisbed until all thebadnesswentaway.Instead,hetookaturnandheadedintothetunnel,slippingpastthe automaticdoorsandintothebookstorewherehisbrother wasworking.
Ravi alwaysworkedthecoffeebar,andBodhi couldseetheedgeofhisbun,whichwastiedupat thebackofhishead,bobbingslightlyashesteamedmilkinametal pitcher.Notfor thefirsttime, Bodhi thoughtabouthow muchbetter Ravi wouldhavebeenatBrewBizthanhewas,buttherehad onlybeenoneopeningandRavi hadall-butthreatenedBodhi until heapplied.
Hestill hadnoideawhy.LogictoldhimitwasbecauseRavi wantedhimtoconnectbetter with Deafpeople,butifthatwasthecase,itwasclear thatevenhistwindidn’tunderstandhim.
Hisanxietywasn’tnotbeingaroundenoughDeafpeopleanddidn’tknow how tomakea
connectionwiththem.
ItwasthefactthatBodhi justdidn’tconnectwithanyoneatall.Andhenever had.
Ravi seemedtothinktherewouldbethisonemoment this,like,lightbulbmomentthatwould changeeverythingandsuddenlyhe’dbesociallynormal.Whatever thefuckthatwas,becausebeing likeRavi soundedlikeanightmaretohim.Butithurttoknow Ravi wantedtofixhimsodamnbadly. Hejustwantedtobehimselfandhedidn’tunderstandwhyhisownbrother didn’tgetthat.
Ravi spottedhimafew secondlater andwaved,thensignedover thecounter,“Sitdown.You wantatea?”
Bodhi glancedaroundhimbeforeliftinghisfistandnoddingit,andheignoredRavi’seyeroll. Bodhi wasn’tthebestatunderstandingsubtlefacial expressions,butluckilyRavi hadnever been subtleadayinhislife.Heglancedaroundbeforeselectingatableintheverybackofthecaféarea wheretherewasonlyoneguynearbyworkingonhislaptop.
Thequietsettledaroundhimlikeasoftblanket,theshopnoisemutedbythestacksoftextbooks. Herestedhisheadagainstthewall,closinghiseyesuntil hefeltasharptaponhisarm.Ittookhima secondtoforcehiseyesbackopen,andhesaw hisbrother’sfacelookingalmostastiredashefelt.
“What’swrong?”Ravi signed,tappinghishandonhischin.
Bodhi glancedaroundandalthoughthecaféwasrelativelyempty,discomfortclawedathim, makinghisheadacheworse.Hehookedhisfinger over hisear.“Please,”headdedaloud.Hedidn’t necessarilymindaskingRavi togovoice-onsinceRavi couldphysicallyhear better thanhecould. Hejustknew thatRavi hatedit.
ButRavi never toldhimno,evenwhenitpissedhimoff.Hefishedhishearingaidboxoutofhis apron,thentookthetall chair nexttohim.“Youhavetogetover thisshit,Bodhi.It’sembarrassing.”
Bodhi didn’tevenfeel thestingofRavi’swords.Hefeltstrungoutandwoundtootightly.All of thesensationsaroundhimwereequallyhighandhehadnoroomtoprioritizeemotional hurtover the physical one.Hejustsaidnothing,curlinghishandsaroundtheteathatwasjustslightlyhotter than tepid.
Hisbrother didn’tever reallygetwhyBodhi neededthingsacertainway,butRavi hadalsoseen how shreddedBodhi hadbeenunder the“tender lovingcare”oftheir grandparents,soheindulged him.Evenifhethoughtitwasridiculous.Theheatsankintohispalmsandfeltinstantlysoothing. “Ithinkmyworkisintrouble.Well,”heamended.“Ithinkmybossisintrouble.”
Ravi’smiddlefinger touchedthesideofhisheadanddroppeddown.“Why?”
“Classgavemeamigrainetoday,”hestarted.
Ravi scoffed.“Becauseyouwon’tuseafuckinginterpreter.”
Bodhi letoutabone-deepsigh.“Canyounot?Please?Thisisn’taboutthat.”
Ravi’sgazehardenedfor asecondbeforeherelented,andhewavedhishand.“Fine.Goon.” “Thisgirl stoppedmeinthehallwaywhenIwastryingtogetout.Oneoftheblondeoneswith thosesororitypins.”
Ravi grinnedalittlewickedlyandBodhi didn’tneedtoasktoknow whatthatfacemeant.Hewas enjoyingcollegeineverywaythatpeopleweremeanttoenjoyit,whileBodhi stoodonthesidelines andtriedtofigureoutwhyhecouldn’tunwindenoughtoatleastgoonadate.
“Wasshehot?”
“Idon’tfindwomenhot,”Bodhi saidquietly.
Ravi’smouthmovedlikehewantedtosaysomething,andBodhi strainedtohear ifhewasmaking anynoise,buthecouldonlymakeoutthefainttinnitusthatnever lefthim.
“Sorry,”Ravi eventuallysaid.“Goon.”
Bodhi’sstomachstartedtoacheagain,andhesippedhistea,tryingtochaseoffthenausea,buthe couldn’tthinkaboutthenightbeforewithoutwantingtobesick.“Mybossgotdumpedduringmy shift.”
Ravi’sbrowsshotup.“Seriously?”
“Infrontofeveryone.Hisboyfriend hisex,”heamended,rememberingthedevastatedlookon Caleb’sface,“tookhimoutsideandtotallydestroyedhim.Saidhewasleavinghim.Saidhe’dbeen cheatingonhim.”
Ravi’sfacefell.“Shit.”
Bodhi letoutahumorlesslaugh.“Yeah.Itwassoawful.Andtherewereall thesepeoplewith phones,and…”Hetrailedoffwithastressedhum.Hisfingersstartedstimming,soheshovedhis handsunder thetableandletthemdanceacrosshisthighs.“Ithinkoneofthevideoswentviral. That’swhatthatgirl showedmeinthehall.Sheaskedmetointerpretit.”
“Didyou?”Ravi asked.
Bodhi feltimmediate,burningoffenseinhischest.“No.God,whywouldIdothat?”
“Justasking,”Ravi saidsoftly,Bodhi mostlyreadingthewordfromhislips.“Doesyour boss know aboutthevideo?”
“Idon’tknow.Noone’ssentatexttotheworkchator anything,butI’m…”Heswallowed heavilyandforcedhisfingerstostopmovingsohecouldthinkabouthiswords.“DoIhavetotell himifhedoesn’tknow?”
Ravi’sbrow furrowed.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Whatifhecomesintoworkandhehasnoideathatthisvideoisgoingaround,andthesesorority girlsareouthereaskingpeopletointerprettheASL?It’sso…it’shumiliating,”heblurted,chokingon theword.“Hewassoupsetlastnight,Rav.Idon’twanttotell him.Idon’twanttobeonemore personthathastohurthim.”Herockedgentlyinhisseat,lettingoutanother hum.Itwastheonlything thatwassoothingthechaosinhischest.
Ravi’sfacedidthatthingitalwaysdidwhenhefinallyunderstoodwhatBodhi wastryingtosay, andhelaidhishandsonthetable,leaninginclose.“Youdon’thavetotell him.Ifitdoesn’taffecthis work,hedoesn’tneedtoknow.Imean,hesaw thepeopletoo,right?Theonestakingthevideo?”
Bodhi nodded.“Yeah.Ithinkso.Theywerehardtomiss.”
Ravi’sfacefell intoanexpressionofragewhichmirroredthewayBodhi wasfeelinginside. “Fuckingnosyassholes.”
Bodhi shrugged.“Ithappensall thetime.Like…likewhenever youandIusedto ”
“Iknow,”Ravi said.“Igetit.”
Anditwastrue.Hedid.Thedifferencewas,itdidn’tbother himthesamewayitbotheredBodhi. Ravi didn’tlosesleepatnightthinkingofstrangerstreatinghimlikehehadnorighttoprivacyand passingaroundvideosonTikTokor YouTube.
Bodhi wouldhavegivenanythingtoshutthatpartofhisbrainoffandnotgiveashit,butitdidn’t worklikethat.Therewasnoswitchtofliptomakeitall stop.
“Whatifheknows?”Bodhi askedafter abeat.“Whatifsomeonesenthimthevideo?He’ll have tolivewithknowingthewholeworldwatchedhimgetdumped.”
“Itsoundstomelikeyour boss’sexmadealiteral assofhimself.Eveniftheworldiswatching, they’regoingtobeonhisside.”
Bodhi scoffed.“Yeah,buttheywon’tevenknow whatthey’resaying.They’ll belike,aww two bestiestalkinginsignlanguageoutsideofacafé.Isn’tASLso beautiful?”
Ravi sneered.“Fuckthosepeople.Iknow itbothersyou,butIbetCalebcanignoreit.”
Bodhi wasn’tsureifthatwasadigathim,or anattempttomakehimfeel better.Whatever itwas, itonlyincreasedthediscomfortrushingthroughhimandhisfingersbegantomoveagain.“I’mgonna headbacktotheroom.IthinkI’mgoingtoskipchemtonight.”
Ravi shruggedthoughBodhi didn’texpecthimtocareconsideringhow manyclasseshe’d skippedsincetheystartedattheuniversity.“Wantmetobringyoudinner?”
“I’ll textyou,”Bodhi said.Atthemoment,eatingsoundedlikehell,andhewasn’tsureitwas goingtogetbetter for therestofthenight.Hewasonlygrateful hehadthreedaysoffandprayedto whatever godwaslisteningthatbythetimehehadhisnextshift,theworldwouldhaveforgottenall aboutCaleb’spublichumiliation.
PRESSING acoldpacktothebackofhisneck,CalebslippedthefrontofhishandagainstJori’spalm andliftedthembothintotheair.“Remindmetobuyyouamuffinbasket.”
Jori scoffed,pullinghishandbacktoreply.“Ibakefor aliving.Idon’twantamuffinbasket.” “Thenmassageoils?Chocolate?Booze?”
“Anythingthat’ll getatwo-month-oldtosleepthroughthenight?”Jori asked.
Caleblaughed,tappingJori’shandtoindicatehefoundhimfunny.“Ithinkmymomusedtobut dropsofbourboninour bottles,butI’mprettysurethat’schildabusethesedays.”
Jori madeaface.“Rather notaddthattothelistofhow badlyI’mdoingasafill-inparent.”
Calebsatupabitstraighter andletthecoldpackrestbetweenhisneckandthecouchcushionso hecouldsignwithbothhands,Jori holdingtheleftonesincethateyewasworsethanhisright.“Isit reallythatbad?”
Jori’sfacefell andheshookhishead,hischestmovingwithhissigh.Hissituationwas complicated andnotjustbecausethechildunder hiscarewasatinyinfantthatdidlittlemorethan eat,sleep,shit,andcry.Hewasalsodealingwiththestressthatnoonecouldlocatethebirthmother, hisbrother’spetitiontodefer deploymenthadbeendenied.Ifsocial servicesfoundoutthata deafblindmanwastakingcareofababy,they’dfreakout.
Thelastpartwasahorrificmiscarriageofjustice awordCaleblikedtothrow around whenever social agencieswerebeingableistasfuck butitdidn’tchangethefactthatitwastrue. Noneofthemhadanyreal moneytocontributetoalawyer ifanyonereportedJori’ssituation,andthe onlythinghehadonhissidewasthathecouldfunctionfairlywell withhishearingaidsinaverbal situation.
Jori hadbeenborndeafblind low visionbecauseofhisalbinism,andhardofhearingfroma geneticconditionthathadapparentlyrunundetectedinhisfamilyfor several generations.Calebhad methimwhenhewasfinallyallowedtogotohisDeafschool andfor alongwhile,Jori hadsortof replacedhisbrother.Jori wasthefirstpersonCalebever broughthomefor theholidays,andhefelt sickwithworry.
ButthesecondWrenlaideyesonhim,Jori andWrenhadbecomealmostinstantbestfriends.And itwasonlythefactthatJori never oncewaveredinhissupportofCalebthathedidn’tresentit.
Now,CalebandWrenweredoingeverythingintheir power tomakesurethatJori’ssituation improved,butitwasn’teasy.Hehadn’twantedtobecomeaparent.Thathadnever beeninhisplan. Buthealsowasn’tgoingtolethisniecegetcartedofftofoster carebecausethegovernmentsucked.
Calebcouldalsoseethetoll itwastakingonhisfriend.EvenhavingPeyton’shelpatthecafé withthebaking,Jori wasstill startingtocrackunder thestrain,andCalebwasofficiallyminutes
awayfromtellinghimheneededtotakesometimeoff.
Ofcourse,hewasn’tquitesurethatwouldbeavacationfor thepseudo-singleparent.Jori seemed far morerelaxedinthekitchenthanhedidathome.
“Ijustfeel likeI’mstartingtolosemymind,”Jori admitted,pullingaface.“Khai’sbeengreat withwatchingMila,butIcan’taskhimtodomorethanhe’salreadydoing,especiallywithhisnew schedule.He’snotevenchargingme.”
Calebdidn’tknow Khai verywell.They’dmetonceinpassingandhelearnedthathewasgood looking,tall,sweet,fluentinASL.HewasaCODA,evenifhehadtheworsthearingaccentCaleb hadever seen.ButhehelpedJori withoutaskingfor anythinginreturn,soinhisbook,thatmadehima damnhero.
“Whatcanwedotomakeiteasier?”Calebasked.
Jori laughedandshookhishead.“Nothing.You’redoingenough.You’repayingmefull timehours for parttimework,whichiskillingmypride.”
Calebscoffedandwavedhimoff.“You’ddothesamethingfor me.”
Jori didn’targuewithhimbecauseheknew itwastrue.Jori hadbeentheonetotalkCalebaround whenitcametogivingWrenachancetoprovehewasnothingliketheir parents.Andhe’dbeenthere for everybreakdown,andeveryChristmasandEaster heskippedgoinghomebecausehejustdidn’t wanttobesurroundedbyabunchofpeoplewhorefusedtolearnhislanguage.
TheymadefeltChristmastreesandhungthemonthewall,andtheygaveeachother gasstation anddollar storegiftswrappedinnewspaper.Itwasthebestoftheworstyearsofhislife,andnow he wantedtodothesamethingfor hisfriend.
“Whatifwecloseupshopfor aweekoncetheseasondiesdownandtakeabigfamilyvacation? YoucaneveninviteKhai tocomealong.Wecangetabeachhouseandwecanall taketurnsonnight dutysoyoucangetsomeactual rest.”
Jori’seyeswerewideandredlikehewasabouttocry.“Yeah.Maybe…yeah.Letmethinkabout it?”
Calebnoddedanddidn’tpresstheissue,butheknew damnwell Jori wasn’tgoingtoturnhim down.Heshiftedtowardtheendofthecouch,thenhisphonestartedtobuzz,andheglancedatthe screentoseeLuke’sname.
“Text,”hespelledquicklyagainstJori’spalmbeforeopeningit.
Luke:Shopbusiness.Comenow.Fast.NoDST.
No Deaf Standard Time wastheir codefor emergency,whichcouldbeanythingfromanexploded oventosomeKarenhavingascreamingfitbecausethebaristacouldn’thear her speaking.Buthe knew Lukewouldn’tcall himinifitwasfor nothing.Calebbeenavoidingworkthelastfew daysjust tolethimselfcalmdownandgetover thefactthathiscondowashalf-empty notthatheknew what Cameronhadtakensincehehadn’tbeenbraveenoughtolookyet.
ButifLukewasgivingtheBatSignal,itwastimetogo.
“Workemergency.Wanttoroll inwithme?”
Jori shookhishead,thenrubbedhisfistinacircleover hischest.“Sorry.Khai hasclassesall morning,andIdon’twanttotakeMilainifit’sgoingtobeloud.”
Calebnodded,thenstoodupandpulledJori intoahugbeforepressingasoftkisstothecorner of hismouth.HedroppedhishandintoJori’stospell insteadofgivinghimsignspace,andkepthimhalf inahug.“Youtextmeifyouneedme.Anytime.I’ll doovernights.”
Jori’sbrow furrowedasheputtheletterstogether,thenhisfacesoftenedandheshookhishead
beforedroppinghisforeheadintothecrookofCaleb’sneck,lettingoutalongsigh.
“Thankyou,”droppingthesignfromhislips akissofaffectionthatmeanttheworldtoCaleb. Theywerefamily,after all.Theywouldn’tjustdiefor eachother.They’dlivefor eachother.
Sayinggoodbyetothecoldpackandhellotohispressingheadache,Calebheadedbacktothe street,hoppedinhiscar,andmadethedrivedowntoBrewBiz.
Ashecamearoundthecorner,hecouldimmediatelyseewhatthefusswasabout.Therewasa trafficjamofcarswaitingtoturnintotheir tinystrip-mall parkinglot,andtherewasalineatthedoor thatstretchedouttowardthestreet.Caleb’sheartwasbeatinginhisthroat,andhewentaroundthe corner,takingthebackalleywiththeNoEntrysignandparkingnexttothedeliveryvan.
Hecouldfeel hispulsethuddingfrominsidehisneck,andhetookacoupleofcalmingbreathsas hewalkedinthroughthekitchendoorway.WithoutJori there,theroomwasstill apartfromthe flashinglightontheovenindicatingatimer wasgoingoff,anditonlytookasecondbeforeWren hustledinandthrew theovendoor open.
Calebgavehimasecond,thenknockedonthewoodbakingtableandWrenwhippedaround, pressingahandtohisheart.“Youscaredtheshitoutofme!”hesignedwithonehand,theother holdingawobblingbakingtray.HesetitdownandCalebsaw thecookiesthatwerefromPeyton’s doughdelivery.Wren’smouthformedasmall,perfectoandhisindexfingerspinchedagainsthis thumbs. Do-do?
Caleb’sbrow furrowedinconfusion.“Luketextedme.What’sgoingon?Thelineoutsideis bigger thanour grandopening.”
“Nothing.Gohome,”Wrensigned,butCalebcouldseefromhisexpressionthathewashiding something.
Caleb’slipsthinned. Pop-cork. Wrenwasn’tgivingin.“We’refine.It’sfine.”
“Tell meor I’mgoingtogooutthereandfindoutfor myself,”hewarned.
Wrenthrew uphishandsindefeat.“Fine.Let’sgointoyour office.”
Calebledtheway,ignoringhisrageandpretendinglikehiskneesweren’tshakingbecausewhile alineofcustomersshouldbeagoodthing,thelookonWren’sfacesaiditwasanythingbut.Hegot thedoor open,flickingonall thelights,thenturnedandrestedhisassagainsthisdesk,liftingabrow athisbrother.
Wren’sfingerstwistedtogether hisnervoushabitwhenever hewastryingtogather histhoughts andmakesurehegothissignsright.Heshookouthiswrists,thensquaredhisshoulderslikehewas abouttotell Calebhewasgoingofftowar.
“Someonepostedthevideotheother night.”
Caleb’sfrowndeepened.“Whatvideo?”
Wrendraggedhistongueover hislips,andCalebcouldseehimsuckinginadeepbreath,then lettingitout.“WhenyouandCameronwere…”Thesigntheywereall usingfor Cameronnow was ‘dick’whichhadamusedhimatfirst.Now itjustsentdreadpoolinginhisstomachbecauseheknew whatWrenwassaying.
The video.
Thebystanderswhohadbeenfilmingthemontheir phones. “Whopostedit?”hemanagedtoask.
“Idon’tknow.Lukesaidhe’stryingtotrackdowntheoriginal source,butthepersonwhowent viral gotitfromsomeoneelse,whogotitfromsomeoneelse.It’sbeenashit-show.”
Calebscrubbedbothhandsdownhisface,feelingagroanrippleoutofhischest.Deepdown,he
knew somethinglikethiswouldhappen.Heknew thatitwouldn’tjustbeover.Hetookafortifying breath,thenlookedupathisbrother.“Sowhyareall thesepeoplehere?”
Wrenbithislipandhiseyesdartedofftothesidefor asecond.Histellswerealwayssodamn obvious.“Someofthemareheretosupportyou.Peoplewhounderstoodwhatwashappeninginthe video.”
“Andtherest?”Calebdemanded.
Wrenswallowed.“Ithinktheyjust…wanttoseeyou.Seeifthere’smoredramaor something.A lotofthemarecuriousaboutabunchofDeafiesrunningacafé.”
Ragecoiledatthebaseofhisspineandthreatenedtoexplodelikeafirework.Hebreathed throughit.“Tell themtoleave.”
“They’rebuyingstuff,”Wrenargued.“Theyclearedoutthepastrycounter,and…”Hishands stilled,thenhepulledhisphoneoutofhispocket,readingatextbeforeheshoveditback.“Ineedto getthosecookiesoutthere,andyouneedtogohomeuntil thisdiesdown.IcalledBodhi intocover thecounter whileItakecareofgettingeverythingbaked,andIalreadygotaholdofall theother baristastorearrangetheir schedules.Mostofthemaredonewithclassbytwo,sowe’ll bebetter off intheafternoon.”
Calebdrummedhisfingersonhisthighinthought.“I’ll sendJori in,andI’ll goover tohisplace andbabysit.”Whathewantedtodowasconfrontthewholethingheadonandnothidelikeadamn coward,butthepeopleweren’ttherebecausetheyfeltbadfor him.Theyweren’ttherebecausethey wantedtosupporthimafter gettingviciouslydumpedoncamera. Theyjustwantedtogawk.
Andhewasn’tinthemood.
Hewasexhaustedandemotional,andthelastthingheneededwastogoviral againbecauseofhis temper.Hewonderedfor amomentifmaybethiscaféwasn’tamistake.Itofferedsomanypeoplea chancetoworkasteadyjobwithoutstressingaboutcommunicationor beingsomesortoftoken diversityhirethatwouldultimatelyleadtogettingfiredfor someBSreason.AndCalebknew this becausehe’dbeenthroughit.
Thiswashisownjobsecurity.
Hewasn’tgoingtoletall thosepeopleruinit.Hewasn’tgoingtoletCamerontakethataway fromhimbecausehewasanarcissistwholovedapublicfuckingspectacle.
Hemighttrackhimdownandpunchhiminthemouththough,becauseCamerondamn-well knew whathewasdoing,takingthatconversationoutsideinfrontofabunchofpeople.Rubbinghiseyes again,Calebwalkedforwardandwrappedahandaroundhisbrother’sneck,squeezing.
“Textmeifyouneedme.I’ll deal withitifIneedto.”
“I’vegotyour back,”Wrentoldhiminresponse.“We’veall gotyour back.”
Calebfeltwarmandlovedwhichwasanicecontrasttotheother ragingbadnessthatwasburning awayinhischest.Hepalmedhiskeyswhilehewaitedfor Wrentolethimselfout,andafter counting totwenty,hesteppedoutoftheoffice…
Andimmediatelycrashedintosomeonewhowashurryingdownthehall.Hetrippedbackward intohisoffice,theother bodyfallingontopofhim,andittookhiseyesasecondtofocusontheface hoveringinfrontofhis.
Bodhi. Calebfeltthatsamebizarrerushinhisstomachthathappenedeverytimeheseteyesonthe younger man.“Getoffme,”hesignedwithonehand.
Bodhi scrambledback,hismouthmovingpresumablysayingaloud,“Sorry,sorry,”thewayhe
alwaysdid.
Calebtoldhimselftokeephistemper incheck,butinthatsplitsecondofBodhi talking,leaving thewall ofsilenceupbetweentheminhisownfuckingshop,helostit.Heslappedhishandhardon thefloor,thenclimbedtohisfeetasBodhi backeduptowardthewall.
“For anassholewholoveshearingsomuch,youdon’tliketolisten,doyou?”
Bodhi swallowedthickly,hiseyeswide.Therewassomethingonhisface anexpressionCaleb knew intimately anditcausedsomethinginhisguttocrackwideopen.Guiltpouredin,butbefore hecoulddoanythingaboutit,Bodhi circledafistover hischest.“Sorry.Iknow.”
Calebtookabreathtotryandsteadyhimself.HisragewasnotBodhi’sfault.Hesloweddown hissigns.“Whywereyourunninglikeyour asswasonfire?”
Bodhi glancedbehindhimliketheanswerswereouttherewaitingintheshadows,thenheturned hisgazebacktoCaleb.“Idon’tlikehow manypeopleareoutthere,butIknow Wrenneedsmyhelp. ItwastoomuchandIpanicked.”
Calebbittheinsideofhischeek,thenjerkedhisheadtowardthedoor.Hecouldseeitall over Bodhi’sface.TheguywasabouttocrackandthatwasthelastthingCalebneededonhisplate.At leastthishecouldfix.“Comewithme.”
Bodhi hesitated,butCalebdidn’tgivehimthechancetoanswer,turninghisbackquicklyonthe younger manandleadingthewayoutthebackdoor andintotheservicealley.Themomentthedoor swungopen,hespottedafew carstryingtocramintothetinyparkingspacesandheduckedbehind themassivedumpstersbeforehewasrecognized.
Hiscar wasblockedin,andhewantedtoputhisfistthroughthewall.
Whenahanddroppedonhisarm,hejumped,whichwasnew.He’dnever beenthatonedge beforeinhisentirelife.HisheadwhippedtothesidetoseeBodhi hunkeringdownnear himwithone handpressedtothewall,theother pinchinghisindexfinger tothisthumb.
Do-do?
Calebdraggedahanddownhisfaceandhopedhissighwasmostlysilent.“I’mtryingtogetus outofhere.IthoughtwemightsneakintoBubblesandgetsometea.”
Bodhi’seyeswentwide.“Withme?”
Calebfeltamixtureofimpatient,irritated,andonceagainguiltyfor makinghisrelationshipwith Bodhi sodamnhostile.“Yeah.Myapologyfor beingadick.”
Bodhi’sliptwitchedup,buthewasveryclearlyhesitating.“Doyouthinkthat’sagoodidea? Theyreallyneedhelpinside.”
Calebconsideredthatfor asecond,butBodhi still lookedonthevergeofrunningawayfor good. “They’ll survivefor another hour.Noone’sgoingtoseethatlineandexpectfastservice.Andif peoplestartbitchingonYelp,I'mgoingtoevisceratethem,”Calebansweredflippantly,hiswrists loose.
Bodhi’slipsmovedintoafull grineventhoughCalebwascertainhehadn’tunderstood everything.“Okay.”
Calebofferedastiffnod,thendippedhisheaddown,shovedhishandsintohispockets,thentook upabriskwalkuntil theyreachedthenextbuildingwherehecouldonlyjustseethecrowdliningup infrontofBrewBiz.Theteashopwaslikeaghosttown,andhefeltalittlebadaboutit,butitwasn’t hisfault.Hewasn’ttheonewhopostedhisbusinessall over TikTokor whatever thefuckitwasthe kidswereusing.
Heheldthedoor openfor Bodhi,thenhesitated.Henever actuallyorderedfromBubbleshimself. Whentheyweresicktodeathofcoffee whichwasprettymuchdaily he’dsendWrenfor atearun.
Hefeltasmall waveofreluctancebecausehedidn’twanttodraw attentiontohimselfagain.
ThenherememberedBodhi wasvoice-on.Itwentagainsthisverynaturetoasksomeonetoorder for him,butall hecouldthinkaboutwashow quicklythesightofhimandCameronhadspreadacross thegod-forsakeninternet,andhewasn’tabouttohavepeoplemakinginspirationpornvideostosad ninetiessongsabouthismilktea.
“Canyougrabmealargeoolongwithextraiceandlightboba?”Hespelledhisorder asclearly ashecouldbeforepullingouthiswalletandslappinghiscreditcardagainstBodhi’schest. “Bathroom.”
HewasgonebeforeBodhi couldgivehisanswer,andCalebjustaddedthattothelistofthingshe neededtoapologizefor.Hegrabbedthehandleandsteppedin,lettingoutahugebreathofrelief whenherealizeditwasasinglestall.Heturnedthelockhard,feelingfor theclick,thenwalkedtothe sinkandbracedhishandsontheedgebeforebowinghisheadandfightingbackascream.
Thatusedtobeastress-releasefor him.He’dbeenshushedsomuchasakidwhenhewasmaking noisewithoutrealizingit.Theideaofhearingwassuchaforeignconcepttohim,andheremembered beingmortifiedwhenhefoundoutthatstrangersacrosstheroomknew whenever he’dsoothehimself withthesoftbuzzinginthebackofhisthroat.
Andscreaminghadbeensofuckingcatharticwhenhisfrustrationlevelswereattheir worst.It wouldtear athislungsandrushpasthisteethandrumblealongtheinsidesofhischeeks.Itwould steal all theair outofhischestuntil hewaslight-headed,andthenhecouldbreatheagain.But apparentlyitwasloud.Andapparentlyitscaredpeople,sohewasn’tallowedtodoit.
After that,hedevotedall hisextratimeintotryingtofigureoutwhatmadesoundsandwhatdidn’t sohedidn’tbother everyoneelsearoundhim.Intheend,hejustwantedtoliveunder apileof blanketsandstaytherebecausenooneever waggedtheir finger inhisfaceandsenthimtostandin thecorner whenhewasbyhimself.
Deafschool madeitall better mostly,apartfromafew shittyteachers.Butitwaslive-inandhis roommatewasasprofoundlydeafashewas,andtheonlywayoneofthemknew theother wascrop dustingtheroomwaswhenthesmell foggedthemout.Andnoonewasembarrassed.They’djust laughhystericallyandopenthewindow,andsometimestricktheguysfromacrossthehall into comingover andholdingthedoor shutsotheywerestuckwithit.
Hedidn’tknow boyslikeBodhi therebecausenoonewasever madetofeel self-consciousabout their ownlanguage.
Turningonthewater,hequicklywashedhisface,rememberingthathe’dlefthisemployeeout there,andhedriedhishandsbeforemakinghiswayout.For asecond,hecouldn’tseeBodhi anywhere,butthenawavinghandcaughthisattention.Itwasaroundthebacksideofthecondiment bar,andBodhi wastuckedinalittlecorner booththathadabsolutelynoview ofanythingexceptthe wall thatprobablyencasedthekitchen.
“Nicespot,”hesaidashesat.
Bodhi justshruggedwithasheepishgrinashepushedoneoftheteastowardCaleb.“Iaskedthem atthecounter wherewecouldsitandnotbeseenbyanyone.Theywerenice.Theyknow somesigns fromyour brother.”
HepicturedBodhi andWrenasacouple,andCalebfeltalittlesurgeofresentment,whichwas oddandunexpected.They’dlookgood,andhefuckinghatedthethoughtwhichwas…odd.Therewas absolutelynoreasonfor himtothinkthat.
HeglancedbackatBodhi,whosefingersweretwitching,andonceagainhedidn’tknow ifitwas justahabitor ifhewastryingtothinkofwhathewantedtosay.
“Okay?”hefinallyasked,thenpointedtoBodhi’shands.
Bodhi stareddown,lookinghorrifiedbeforetuckinghisarmsbelow thetable.Herealizedhis mistakeasecondlater andliftedthemagain.“Sorry.Um.It’sstimming.”Hespelleditoutslowly.“I canusuallystopmyself,butit’sbeenastressful day.”
“Itdoesn’tbother me,”Calebtoldhimquickly.“I’msorryIgotupsetearlier.Itwasn’taboutyou.”
Bodhi shookhisheadsohard,alockofdarkhair fell over hislefteye,andhebrusheditaway withanimpatienthand.Caleb’scheeksfeltstrangelywarm.“Iknow someofitwasmyfault.Ihavea hardtimeswitchingfromEnglishtoASLbrainafter beingoncampusall day.”
Caleb’sbrowsfurrowed.“Don’tyouhaveaninterpreter?”
AtthewayBodhi’scheeksdarkened,Calebknew theanswer.“No,I…mybrother hasone.AndI know Ineedto.It’s…complicated.”
“Canyouexplainit?”Calebasked.Itprobablywasn’twhattheyneededtotalkabout,butitwas distractingfromtheCoffeeShopShitShow whichwasgoingtobetheofficial nameofwhatwas happening.“Isitanautismthing?”Heknew itwasaguess,butsincehe’dsaidstimming,Calebfelt safeinassuming.
Bodhi’ssmilewentalittlesoftandsweetbeforehisexpressionwenttroubledagain.“No. Maybe,”heamended.Therewasstill asmall trembletohishandsthesamewaytherewaswhenhe signedatthecafé.“Myfreshmanyear,somepeoplestartedtakingvideosofmeandmybrother inthe commonswhenwewerepracticing.AndItoldmyselfnottoworryaboutit,butonceitgotinmy head,all Icouldthinkaboutwas…”HetrailedoffandCalebsighed.
“All thepeoplewatching?”
Bodhi nodded,lookingmiserable.“It’sjustkindofhow mybrainworks.Ithyper-fixates,”he spelled.“WhenIsaw whathappenedtheother nightwithCameron…”
Calebsqueezedhiseyesshut,needingamoment.SeeingCameron’snameonBodhi’shandsfelt likethestrangestgut-punch.“Trigger.”
Bodhi nodded,bitinghislipsohard,Calebwasalmostafraidhewasgoingtobreaktheskin. After abeat,somethinginhimsnappedandhereachedforward,gentlypressinghisthumbtoBodhi’s chinuntil histeethloosenedandhislipreleased.Itwasslightlyplumpandalittleshiny,andCaleb feltaheatinhimthathadbeenabsentfor sodamnlong.
Hesatbackquickly,wantingtoslaphimself,buthe’dalwaysbeenanoverlytouchyperson.More thanwhatwasusual for someoneDeaf.“Sorry.”
Bodhi blinkedlikehewascomingoutofadaze,thenhequicklyshookhisheadandtappedhis thumbonhischest.“It’sfine. Fine Fine. Finefinefinefine.”Hewrenchedhisfingersawayfromhis chestlikehe’dbeenunabletostoptherepeatingsignanddroppedthemtothetable,dancingthemina rhythmbeforehequicklytuckedthemoutofsight.
Calebtookafortifyingbreath.“So,youknow aboutthevideo?”
Bodhi flinchedashebroughthishandsupagain.“Isaw it.I’msorry.Thiswomaninmyhistory classchasedmedownthehallwayandaskedmewhatyoubothweresaying.”
Caleb’seyeswentwide,andhisfacewentalittlenumb.“You interpreted thevideo?”
Bodhi’swholebodyjolted,andhelookedhorrified.“No!Never!She’snever triedtospeaktome before,andIdidn’tknow whatshewantedbeforesheshowedittome.”
Calebswallowedagainstthelumpinhisthroatthatwasnow hisconstantcompanion.Hefiddled withhisdrinkjusttogivehisfingerssomethingtodowhilehegatheredhisthoughts.“Wasshe pretty?”Fuck.Whydidheaskthat?Whatthe hell wasgoingonwithhim?
Itfeltlikehewasslippingintosomesortofbreakupgrief-psychosis,ifthatwasevenathing.
Bodhi lookedconfusedasheliftedonehand.“Notafter sheasked that. ” Calebletoutalaughthatfeltsharpagainstthesidesofhistongue.Heliftedhishandsinsurrender beforecirclinghisfistover hischest.“Sorry.”
Bodhi’slipstwitchedinalittlesmile.“It’sfine.Anyway,Idon’tlikewomen,soI’mnotthebest judge.”
Theheatinhischestgotalittleworse.Itwasdefinitelygriefbecauseheshouldnotreactto Bodhi’sconfessionatall,damnit.Buthefeltanother sparkjointheblazeinhischestandhebreathed throughit.“Iappreciateyoustandingupfor me.”
Hedroppedhishandstothetable,feelingasuddenacheall over likehehadafever,andittook himasecondtorealizehe’dbeenholdingtensioninhisentirebody.Hewasgoingtopayfor it tomorrow.
“WhatcanIdo?”Bodhi asked.
Calebblinked,hisheadsofuzzyittookhimasecondtoprocessBodhi’sslower signs.“Nothing. Unlessyouknow thegodsoftheinternetwhocanmakethevideodisappear forever,Ithinkwejust havetorideitout.”
Bodhi nodded,lookingmiserable,andCalebfeltbothgrateful for peopleonhisside,andalittle angrybecausehewassufferingthisalone.Itdidn’tmatter how sorryeveryonewas.Thedamagewas done.Hewasapublicfuckingspectaclebecausehisexwasanexhibitionistassholeandhewantedto gooutwithabang.
Fuck.HeshouldjustletWrenbeattheshitoutofhim.Itmightnotmakethingsbetter,buthe’dget alittlesatisfactioninknowingCameronwassufferinginsomeway.
HeglancedupatBodhi whowasbitinghislipagain,hisfingersmovingalongthetablebeforehe followedCaleb’slineofsightandquicklystilledthem.Calebfeltasurgeofguiltandliftedhishands totell Bodhi thathecouldstimall hewanted,butBodhi interruptedhimbeforehecouldstart.
“Wouldithelpifyoucouldhireanother personor two?Tohelpwiththecrowds?Mybrother wouldprobablybeabletofitinsomeextrahours.”
Calebscoffed.Hedidn’tmeanto,buthewasjusttiredandwherehe’dbeentryingtocushionhis DeafbluntnesswithBodhi whilehelearnedtheculture,hewaslosinghisgriponself-control. “Thanksfor theoffer,butthelastthingintheworldIneedrightnow issomeASLnewbiewhoneeds metoholdtheir handthroughtoddler signs.”
Bodhi’scheeksimmediatelydarkenedandhurtflashedover hisfeatures.Hewasn’tnormallyvery expressive,soseeingitsoclearlywasalmostlikeaslaptotheface.ButCalebcouldn’ttakeitback. Notwhenitwasthetruth.
OneBodhi wasbadenough.
“He’snotlikeme,”Bodhi signed,hishandsshaking.“You’dlikehim.He’sperfect.”Then, withoutwarning,hewasonhisfeetandhurryingoutoftheshoplikehisheelswereonfire.
Yetagain,he’dfuckedupwithoutreallymeaningto.Andyetagain,hewasjusttooshreddedto care.He’deventuallyfindthestrengthtoapologize,butfor now,layinghisforeheadontheedgeof thetableandsoakinginthecoolnessofthepolishedwoodwastheonlythinghewascapableof doing.
BODHI WASN’T anexpertathidinghisfeelings.Peoplewerejustexpertsinnotunderstandingwhen peoplelikehimweremoresubtleaboutexpressingthemselves.He’dbeencalledlow affecthisentire life,andeveryoneassumedthathedidn’tfeel things.
Inhiscrueler moments,Ravi hadevenaccusedhimofbeingasociopath,thoughhe’dlater apologizedfor it.
Bodhi hadjustnever knownhow toexplainthathefeltthingsdeepinhischest,buttherewas somethinglikeawall betweenhisfeelingsandhisbody.Thathecouldbearaginghurricaneinside full ofsadnessor griefor evenpleasureandjoy,butall thatwouldbeabletoescapewerethemost minisculeexpressionsandmovements.
Itwasonlywheneverythingshatteredintoamillionspiderwebcracksandhehadameltdownthat hewasabletofullyletgo,butthosetendedtoscaretheshitoutofpeople,sohedideverythinginhis power topreventthem.
Butheknew Calebhadseenthehurtonhisface.Thatonewasatender woundthatwouldnever fullyheal.He’dbeendeniedaccesstothecommunityandculturethatwouldhavemadehislifeso easygrowingup,andwhenhecouldfinallyreachoutandtouchit,hewasconstantlysingledoutfor hisslow progress.
Andhewouldhaveblameditonpeoplebeingshitty,exceptthatRavi hadtakentoitlikeafucking fishtowater.ItwasjustBodhi andhisdamnprocessing.IfASLwashisspecial interest,itmighthave beenabletocounter hisraginganxietyofbeingwatchedthatmadehimwanttovomitall thetime.
Morethanonceheadmittedhe’dgiveanything money,alimb,hisbookcollection,hisFunko Popfigures tobeabletoignorehisfearsaboutsigninginpublicthewayhecouldwithgivinga classpresentationaboutDiogenesor aboutthePtolemaicEmpire.
Buthedidn’tgetasayinhow itworked.Hejustgottositandsuffer throughcluster-panicattacks whiletryingtoremindhimselfthatanxietycouldn’tkill him.Nomatter whathisfearswantedhimto think.
Todayfeltathousandtimesworsethough,havingtoadmittheperfectionofhisbrother totheman hehadaragingcrushon.Themanwhowouldnever seehimasworthyofhistime.
Calebmadehimfeel threefeettall,butBodhi still foundhimselftryingtooffer comfortbecause whathewasgoingthroughwastheworst.Andtomakemattersunbearable,everytimeBodhi hada quietsecondtothink,all hecoulddowasrelivethemomentCaleb’sthumbhadbrushedover hischin. Hewasfucked.Completelyandentirely.
Under hisblanket,rockingsohardthathisheadwashittingthewall oneverysecondpass,Bodhi noticedthelightsflashingthroughasmall crackinthefabric.Heknew itwaslikelyRavi,sohedidn’t
