Jax
Themoonglowswithwhitelightandhangslowandroundoverthenearbyoceandarkenedbynightasifit,likethehundreds ofguests inthe gardenofone ofthe SanFrancisco Knighthotels, is watchingthe beautiful brunette and star ofthe night. Emma Knight, is thatwoman, the twenty-eight-year-oldheiress to the hotel chain’s worldwide empire, who, infact, losther fatheronemonthago Now,her brotherChancerulestheirhotel empireandher motherhasfledtoEuropefor reasonsfew,I suspectEmmaincluded,knows.
ButIknow
She stands nextto Randall Montgomery, her brother's right-hand and confidant, a manwho mightbe fitenoughand decent enoughlookingifhedidn’tactlikehehasastickuphisass.Amanonmyradarforreasonshe’llsoonregret.HewantsEmma andhermoneyandtheempireherfatherfounded Sheisthefurthestdownthefoodchainofthemall,andbasedonherhistory withherfather,evenfurtherdownthanwouldbeexpected.Nodoubt,sheinheritedwithherfather’sdeath,butIwouldn’tbe shockedtodiscovershewasgivenatokeninsteadofagoldmine
The announcer stands at a podiumand begins lavishlyspeakingof Emma’s father withpurpose. Tonight, withwomenin fancy gowns and men in tuxedos, ice carved into sculptures and champagne poured in glasses, Emma is here to accept a philanthropyawardonhisbehalfwhileherbrotheriscuriouslyabsent.Ifhewerepresent,Iwouldn’tbehere.NeitherI,nor anyofthe Northfamilycouldstandher father,notthatIfindher brother anymore palatable.Her father is gone,though,and nowEmmaistheproverbialqueenofthehour Andthequeen,unawarethatsheis,hashadmyattentionforquitesometime There’sironyinthefactthatI,JaxNorth,theeldestnowofthelivingNorthfamilyoffspringis,infact,themanwhowatches her Anironyshe’llunderstandsoon,butnottoosoon Fornow,Istandatoneoftherowsofwhite-clothedtables,deepenough beyond inthe crowd ofpeople to be as good as inthe shadows;a manwhose familyhas done business withher familyfor decades,thoughlhavebeenintentionallyinvisibleinthoseendeavorsjustasIamherenow Presentbutunseen Emmastepstothepodium,butnotbeforeIcatchaglimpseofherpalepinkfloor-lengthdress.It’selegantinitssimplicity,in the wayithighlights her slender butwomanlyfigure. Her hands grip the sides ofthe podiumand for a longmoment, a full minuteatleast,shesimplylooksoutacrossthecrowdbutdoesn’tspeak There’sachargeofexpectationintheroom,asense of the crowd pushing her to break the silence and when finally, her pink-painted lips part, the microphone crackles and squeaks This seems to jolther and she laughs nervously, a softsweetlaughto matchher sweetlittle ass Perhaps the only sweetthingsabouttheKnightfamily.
“Thankyouallforbeinghere,”shefinallysays,andhervoiceisstrainedbutsuitablystrong.“It’sanemotionalnightforme, asyoumightimagine,tobeheretonight,amongthosehonoredwhoarelivingwhilemyfatherisnolongerwithus.Evenmore so,tobepresentatahotelthatwasthecenteroftheworldforhim.”ShecutsherstareandIcanalmostfeelherstrugglingfor composure,thewayIstrugglewhenIspeakofmyolderbrother
“Ilovedmyfathersoverymuch,”Emmaadds,andthepaininhervoiceisitforme.Irunahandoverthesilkofmylight bluetie,barelycontainedimpatienceintheaction,buttonightisn’tthetime;it’snotwhenI’mmeanttofindEmmaandEmma me.It’sathoughtthathasmeturningawayanddisappearingintothegardens,enteringthehotelbyasidedoor.I’mhereinthis hotelforonereason:Emma.It’slongpastduethatwemeet.It’slongpastduethatshelearnsabouttheconnectionbetweenher familyandmineoutsideofabookkeeperledger.Istrollacarpetedhallwaywithelegantchandeliersdippinglow atstrategic locations,abouttoturnintothebar whenIcomefacetofacewithEricMitchell,amanwhois quiteliterallyagenius.He’s alsovicepresidentinoneofthelargestcorporationsintheworld
“Longtime,man,”hegreets,offeringmehishand.It’sastronghand,andwhenIlookintohisblueeyes,Iseethemanborna savant, the man who sees numbers more than words I see the man who helped Bennett Enterprises reach beyond a legal powerhousetoaconglomerate,evenbeforeacquiringanNFLteam.
“Doesn’tBennettownhotels,whichwouldmakeyoutheKnights’competition?”
Hislipscurve “Keepyourfriendscloseandyourenemiescloser IwenttoschoolwithChance
Goodguymyfuckingass.“Weshouldtalk.” “About?”
“Allthingsgreen Howaboutlunchtomorrow?” “Icanmakethathappen.“
We set-up the meeting and the ways this little encounter has inspired me are many I cut right into a dimly lit bar that’s desolateatthemomentandthankfuckforit.Thedamnhotelisfilledtotherimfortheawardsceremony.Butbeingalonesuits me justfine rightaboutnow and Iwalkto the backofthe bar and slide into a red leather booththatoverlooks a roomwith couches, cushychairs, and danglinglights but also provides a curtainfor privacy. The Knight name is all about luxuryand comfort,butatitscore,it’saboutgreed.Atmycorerightnow,I’maboutthatspeechEmmawasgiving,aboutthepainatits core ThatpainiswhyI’mhere
Awaiter appears andIorder whiskey,NorthWhiskey,myfamily’s whiskey,whichis ineveryKnighthotel inthe country andbeyond Idon’tgiveafuckifitstaysorgoesorIwouldn’tbehere “Bringthebottle”
He’sjustfilledmyglass,andthenit’satmylipswhenEmmawalksintothebar.Alone.She’sdonehertimeonstageandran for cover The hotel mightbe hostingthe event, butshe isn’t She’s halfwayinto the bar whenvoices sound behind her She peeksoverhershoulderandthenwithapanickedlook,dartsinmydirection.
To mysurprise and Idon’tsurprise easily she slides into the boothwithme and pulls the curtainshut. “So sorry,” she says,claimingtheseatnexttome “Ireallyneedtoavoidaconversationandwell,breatheamomentorten Theonlywaytodo thatistobehavingaprivatemeetingthatlooksasifit’sjustthat:private,nottobedisturbed.”Shetakesmyglassanddowns mywhiskey
Interestingthatshedidn’truntoRandallforcomfort,butinfactranawayfromhim. Sheglancesatme,andwhenherbeautiful palegreeneyesfleckedwithambermeetmine,thereisachargebetweenus,an awarenessthatpartsherlipsandhasherturningawayfromme.BecausesheknowswhoIam?
“I’llbuythatbottleofwhiskeyforyou,”shesays,“forlettingmeintrude.”
AstatementthateitherprovesshehasnoideawhoIamorthatshe’splayingmethewayaKnightwillplay Itdoesn’treallymatter.It’sliketheskyopenedupanddeliveredherrighttome.“ConsideringI’maNorthandthat’sNorth Whiskey,”Isay,refillingtheglass “IthinkIcanhandlepayingforthebottleandhelpingtheladyofthenighthideout”Irefill myglass.
Hereyesgowide.“You’reJaxNorth.”Sheblinks.“Ofcourseyouare.YoulookliketheNorthfamily,all tall,blond,and handsomelybrooding.”Shedrinksabitmore.“Andthat’sthewhiskeymakingmeoverlyverbal.Myfatherdidn’tapproveof mebeingoverlyverbalordrinkingforthatmatter.”
She’snervous,ramblinginarathercharming,vulnerablewaythatIfindattractive,forreasonsIdon’ttrytounderstand “Ididn’tknow‘overlyverbal’wasathing.”
“Youdidn’tknowmyfatherwell,then Actually,noonedid”Sheswallowshard “Backtoyou”It’sahardpushfromany questionImighthavemadeaboutthatstatement“noonedid.”
“Youreallydolooklikeyourfatherandbrother.Ican’tbelieveIdidn’timmediatelyplaceyou.”
“YoumeanHunter,Iassume,sincemyyoungerbrother,Brody,beatstohisowndrum Adrumthatdoesn’tincluderunning thecorewhiskeyoperationoranyinvolvementwiththeKnightHotelbrand.”
“Yes,Hunter,”shesays,andthere’saflickerinhereyes,anunderstandingthatwe’retalkingaboutabrotherthatisnomore withusonthisearththanherfather.“Imetthemboth,briefly.Iah ”
Inarrowmyeyesonherwaitingforhertofinishthatsentence,proddingwhenshedoesnot “Youwhat?”
“You ”
“Lostthemboth,asyoudidyourfather,”Isupply.“Yes.Myfathertoaskiaccident,ayearagonextweek.Sixmonthsago nextmonthformybrother”Ileaveoutthecauseofdeath Thatisn’taplaceeitherofuswantsmetogowiththeKnightfamily tonight.“Timehelps,butanyonewhotellsyouitmakesthecuthealislying.Itjuststopsthebleeding.”
“Thankyoufor sayingthat,”shesaysinadeepbreath,“becauseifonemorepersontellsmetimewill makeitall better,I might scream.” She softens her voice. “I’msad to saythat I barelyknew your father and brother, and onlyknow younow becausemyintrusion,thatyouneitherchosenorinvited”
“ShouldIhave?”
“Whywouldyou? Youdon’tknow me.” She laughs a bitter laugh.“Well,there is myfamilymoney.That’s whateveryone knowsandwants Theythinktheyknowmyworth,buttheyknownothing” Idon’taskwhatthatmeans. Idare to slide closer to her. Idare to allow mylegto press to hers, the currentbetweenus charmingtheair “Iam aNorth,whichmeansthatIhavepowerandmoney Idon’tneedyours” “Moneyfeedsgreed.Whatyouhaveisneverenough.”
“Thereareotherthingstowantbesidesmoney,EmmaKnight.”
“CanIdenythatidentityperhapsfortherestofmylife?”
I leancloser, the scent of her distinctlywarm amber and vanilla, I believe myinterest inthis womanpiqued inboth
expectedandunexpectedways.“Whywouldyouwantto?”
“Acomplicatedanswertoasimplequestion.”Hervoicecracksandsheturnsawayfromme.Shereachesformyglassagain anddownseverydropinit “More?”Iask.
“Yes,butIshouldwarnyouthatI’maverybaddrinker”
Irefill theglassandsipbeforehandingittoher.Shestaresattheglassbeforeher gazeliftstomymouth.Unlikemoments before, she’s now thinkingofexactlywhatIintended: abouther mouthwhere mymouthwas moments before “Ipromise to catchyouifyoufall,”Isaysoftly.
“Don’tstartthisrelationshipoffbymakingpromisesyouwon’teventrytokeep.”
Relationship She’splanningonthisencounterleadingtomore,whichofcoursecouldsimplybebecauseI’mnowincharge ofmyfamilyempire.Or perhaps it’s about“more.” AndIplantomake itsomuchmore thanthis little rendezvous behinda curtain
“Inever make a promise Idon’tkeep,” Isay, and Iwill catchher ifshe falls, because once Icatchher, she’s mine. Once she’smine,everythingcomesfullcircle “Never?”
“Never,”Iassureher,“whichissomethingmyfriendsvalueandmyenemiesdread.” “Doyouhavemanyenemies?”
“Amanorwomanwithmoneyandpoweralwayshasenemies.”
Hercellphoneringsandshepantsoutabreath “Ofcourse They’renow lookingformebycallingme”Shepullshercell fromherpurseandglancesatthenumber.
“Randall?”Iask.
Hergazejerkstomine.“Howdoyouknowthatandhim?”
“Iknow a lotofpeople. Enemies everywhere, Emma,” Isaysoftly, and Ifind myselfreallywantingher to listen. Really wantingtoprotecther,whichisacontradictiontoeverythingIwoulddootherwisewheretheKnightsareconcerned “Andthat onewantstobeinyourbed.Ifheisn’talready.”
“Howdoyouknow that?”
“Itoldyou.Iknowalotofpeopleandthings.”
Shesetsherphoneonthetablewithoutansweringhim.
“Youaren’tgoingtoanswer?”
“No.I’mnotgoingtoanswer.I’mnotreadytogoback.”
“Wouldyouliketogetoutofhere?”
“Andgowhere?”
“Acastlebytheocean” Shelaughs.“Ifonly.”
“I’mserious,Emma.Comewithme.I’lltakeyouaway.”
“WouldyoubeaskingmethatifIwalkedawayfromitall?Thehotels,themoney?”
ThecurtainpullsbackandRandallisstandingthere,hisdarkhairslickedback,hisgazeslidingbetweenthetwoofusand landingonme “Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere,Jax?”
Mylipsquirk.“Enjoyinggoodcompanyandgoodwhiskey.”IglanceatEmma.“Withabeautifulwoman,”Iadd. Iexpecther to blushand lookaway, butshe doesn’t For several beats she justlooks atme, her stare unreadable, butthe crackleintheairbetweenus,thewhipandpullofattraction,isdamnnearpalpable. “Emma,”Randallsnaps,“youhavepeopleherehonoringyourfather.”
“Right Responsibility calls” Her eyes, her sea-green eyes meet mine “Thank you, Jax For the company and the fine whiskey.”Randalloffersherhishand,butsheignoresitandstandsup.
“Don’tyouwanttheanswertoyourquestion?”Iask
Sheglancesbehindher,overhershoulder,tomeetmystare.“Yes,Ido.”Butshedoesn’tstayforananswer.Shewalksaway, doing the impossible, considering she’s a Knight and I’ma North, as she does; she makes me crave more of her, but that cravinginmechangesnothing.Icamehere,seekingherout,forareason.Thatreasonremainsthesame.
Emma
Randall’s hand comes downonmyelbow;a possessive touchthatbothers me more inthis momentthanperhaps itmight, withoutJax’s warningabouthis intentions. “Whatare youthinking?” he demands softlyas we weave throughclusters of tables.“You’reheretorepresentyourfather.”
MyheelsplantsolidlyonthehardwoodandIwhirltofacehim “Whodiedamonthagoofaheartattack Now mymother hasfledtoEuropetoheal,shuttingmeout,barelyspeakingtomebyphone.Youdogettheimpactthosetwothingshaveonme, right?”
“Igetthat,”hesays,hisfingerstighteningonmyelbowwherehehasyettoletmego.“Butyourbrother ” “Was supposed to be here instead ofme. He’s nothere. He was supposed to be here, notme, butit’s me who’s here. Me who’sfacingthis,sodon’tstartlecturingme”
Surpriseflickersinhiseyesatmyunexpectedpushbackwhichofcourse,isbecauseIdon’tpushback;notagainstmyfather, andallordersfrommybrotherandevenRandall,were always frommyfather,butthatisnomore Myneedtopleasehimeven inhis deathchanged two weeks backwhenI discovered things I wishI didn’t know. “Where is your head right now?” he demands,leaningincloser,sniffingmydirection “Yousmelllikewhiskey Drinkingatapublicevent-”
“Stop,Randall.Stopnow.I’mnotachild.”I’malotofthingsheandmyfamilydon’tknoworunderstand.AlotofthingsI becametocopewiththislife.
Hisjawsetshard “I’mworriedaboutyou It’snotlikeyoutorunofflikethis” “Myfather died a monthago,” I hiss. “What is normal for a monthafter myfather died? Please tell me because I don’t know”
“Theresheis!Emma!”
AtthesoundofMarionRoger’svoice,Isqueezemyeyesshutbecauseofcourse,Ican’tignoreoneoftheownersofBreeze Airlines,thehotel’slargestcorporateclient.ButGodknows,herconnectiontoapastI’veburiedisbadenough.Now,knowing whatIknowofherandmyfather,avoidancemightbesmarterthanlookingherintheeyesandtemptingmyselftotellherthatI know everything Atemptation, ifrealized, could well be dangerous and Isuspectthatshe knows Iknow this Isuspectshe knowsthatIwilldoalmostanythingtokeepwhatisburied,buried.
Randallgivesmyarmasqueeze,awarning no,ademandthatIperformrighthere,rightnow Thisfromamanwhowants inmybedandinmylife,amanwhoobviouslycan’tseethemanyreasonsthathasneverhappened.IturntogreetMarionand herhusband,MonroeRoger,bothofwhomarenotmorethantenyearsmysenior,whichplacesthemjustunderforty.Myfather wasfifty-five.Mymotherisonlyforty-nine,astunning,well-agedforty-nine,thatobviously,consideringMarion,wasstilltoo oldtopleasemyfather.
“Nice of you to attend tonight,” Randall greets them, offering Monroe his hand and leaving me to come toe to toe with Marion,herbouncingredcurlsandpiercinggreeneyesbeamwithfakeaffection.
“Howareyou,honey?”sheasks,pullingmeintoasuffocatinghugandIswearshe’swearingthejasmineperfumemymother favors.
“I’mfine,”Ireplytightly,pullingback.“I’mfine.”
“You’renot,”shesays,brushingmycheekinafartoointimategesture,intimateinwaysthatsuggestssomethingmorethan friendship.Anadvanceofsorts,onethatIunderstand.Iknowhowsexisusedasamanipulationtool.Iknowinwaysthatno one inmyfamilyknows Iunderstand,buttheycreated Idon’twelcome this womaninmylife inanyway,shape,or form I don’t planto replace myfather inher bed but that’s her family’s way. Fuckwhoever and however youcanfor moneyand power “You’renotokay”
Ifoldmyarmsinfrontofme.“I’mfine.”
“Whydon’twesitandhaveadrink?”Monroesuggests.
“I’mrathertired,”Isay,welcomingtheescape
“Justonedrink,”Monroepushes.
“Wecandoone,right,Emma?”Randallsuggests.“Anightcaptohelpyourest?”
MylipstightenandIthinkofthehellIwillreceivelaterifIdecline,whichmotivatesmyagreement “One Yes Ofcourse” Monroe motions to a table inthe center ofthe roomand the four ofus claimour seats. The waiter is ontop ofus almost instantlyandaseveryoneplacestheirorders,heatburnsmyneck,drawingmygazedirectlyforward,landingonJax I‘mnow sittingacrossfromhisboothandheneverpulledthecurtainshutagain.Westareateachotherandwhenthewaiterstopsnextto meandsays,“Ma’am?Whatwouldyoulike?”
“Irishcoffee,”Isay.“NorthWhiskey.”
IfeelthejabofRandall’sattentiononme,butIignorehim.Thewaiterbowshishead,“Ofcourse,”andthenwalksaway. “Ihearyou’rescoutingalocationinGermany,”Monroesays,thecommentdirectedatme,withreason MyroleattheKnight Hotelempireistoscoutanddevelopnewlocations.
“Iam,”Isay “IleaveintwoweeksforBerlin ItwillbemyfirsttimeinGermany”
This launches the table into sharingall their experiences inGermany, whichwas myintent. I wanted themtalkingabout themselves,abouttheirexperiences,ratherthanaskingquestionsaboutme Idon’tlookatJaxagain Idon’tdareforfearI’ll makemyinterestobvious,buthelooksatme.Ifeelhisattention,aheavyblanketthatwarmsmefarmorethanthecoffeeand thewhiskey.Idownmydrinkandorderanother,whilenooneatthetableseemstoevennotice.Anotherforalightweightlike meprovesamistake Halfwaydowntheglass,andmyheadspins,whilemystomachchurnswithanemptinessthathasn’tbeen properlyfilledinweeks.
IstandupandRandallcatchesmyhand “Whereareyougoing?” “Thebathroomcallsme,”Isay.“Loudly.Ihavetopee.”
Marionlaughs atmyless thanladylike statementthatdefies myproper Emma Knightpersona, butmuchaboutthe Knight familynow defies theproper manners Igrew upbeingtaughttobe.TuggingmyhandfromRandall’s,Ifreemyself,andstep awayfromthegroup.Istartwalkingandweavingthroughtables,quitecertainthereisaswaytomystep,somuchsothatit’s embarrassingandIcan’tlookatJax MyGod,whatamIdoing?Thisisn’tlikeme Thisisn’tevenclosetolikeme Icutdown ahallwayandhurrytotheladies’room.OnceI’mthere,Ipushintofinditblessedlyempty.
IleanonthecounterandmentallyreplaythatnightI’dstayedinmyfather’shousealoneafterhisdeath,diggingthroughmy memoriesforthemanIknew,butallIfindaresecrets.Hissecretsthatarenolongersecrets.Idon’tknowwhoIamanymore.I don’tknowifI’veeverknownwhoIam.Iwasjustwhotheywantedmetobe.Who he wantedmetobe,whichiswhyIdid thingstofeelsomethingelse,somethingthatwasallme,somethingthatInow regret.Ilookinthemirrorandstudymyheartshapedfacesolikemymother’s,mylongbrownhair streakedwithhintsofred,whilehersisarichshinydarkbrownthatI always envy Mylightgreeneyes, her greeneyes Ithinkofall the times she and Itraveled together, scouted together And whilewewereaway,myfatherplayedandplottedinwaysIcanbarelyfathom.
Ipushoffthecounter,knowingthatI’mabouttoworkmyselfupandthatwilldomenogood,notwhenIhavetogobackto thetable.IapplylipglossandthenopenthedoorandsuckinairasIcomefacetofacewithJax.AmansorawandmalethatI prettymuchmeltwhereIstandjustlookingathimwhenthisisn’tmyusualreactiontomen.I’musedtorichandpowerfulmen. I’musedtothegamestheyplay,thewaytheychasemeformynameandfamilymoney,therefore,whywouldImelt?Butthere’s somethingdifferentaboutJaxNorth.MayberightnowI’mjustinaplacewhereIneedafantasy,anescape,andIjustwantto believehe’sdifferent,andsoIdo “Hi”
“Hi,”hesayssoftly,andwhenIswayslightly,hecatchesmywaist,histouchasearingbrand.AndLord,helpme,theheat thatrushesthroughmybodytellsastory Iwanttobebrandedbythisman “Ithoughtyoumightneedassistance” Iswallow againstmysuddenlydrythroat, againstthe heatburninglow inmybellyathis touch. “Because Iwas walking drunk?”
Hislips,hisreallybeautiful,somehowbrutallips,curve “Becauseyou’resurroundedbyassholes”
Wordsthatwouldbefunnyiftheyweren’tsoaccurate.“I’mafraidthat’saperpetualproblemIcanneverescape.” “Aperpetualproblemweacceptisachoice Wechoosewhowesurroundourselveswith” “You’rebornintoyourfamily.That’snotachoice.”
Eveninthe shadows of this darkhallway, the blue of his eyes darkens “I wasn’t aware the companyyouwere keeping tonightwasfamily.”
Justlikethat,alcoholandthismanhaveexposedoneofmysecrets.Myfamilyisnotmyhappyplace.“Thosepeopleexist becauseofmyfamily”
“Theyexistbecauseyouchoosetomakethemexist.”
“Spokenlikeamanwhoalignswithhisfamily” “Isthataproblemforyou?”
Mybrow furrowswiththisoddresponseandquestion.“Ofcoursenot.Iwasmakingapoint.Youdon’thavetofightwith yourfamily.”
“Everyonehastofightwiththeirfamily.That’scalledthenaturallawoftheland.”
“Amanofwisdomandwhiskey,”Isay.“Thelatterofwhichexceedsmylimits.AchoiceImadebutneverthelessregret.” “Assholeswilldothattoyou,”hewiselyconcludes.
“Yes Alltheassholes”Ilaugh,asincerelaughthatsurprisesme Ihaven’tlaughedin,well,inalongtime “Theymultiply Theassholesthatis.”IswallowhardandbeforeIcanstopmyself,I’veturnedsomber,andI’madding,“Especiallysincemy fatherpassed”
Hisfingersflexonmywaist.“Youcouldrunaway.”
“Myfatherusedtosaynevermakeadecisionwhilerunning”
“Andmineusedtosay,neverrunfromadecision,”headds.“Sometimesstandingstillis,infact,runningfromadecision.” ThisconversationisnowtravelingtoaplaceIdon’twanttotravel.“Ishouldgo.”Itrytomoveaway.
Hecatchesmywaistwithbothhandsthistime,theheatofhistouchmagnifiedbytwo,andwhenmyeyescollidewithhis, thecurrentbetweenusiselectric.“Don’trunfromme,Emma.Runawaywith me. ”
“They’rewaitingforme”
“Youdon’tevenlikethem,”hesays,histonepuresilkasheadds,“Youlikeme.” “Idon’tknowyou”
“Doyouwant toknowme?”Helowershisvoice.“BecauseIwanttoknowyou,EmmaKnight.”
EverythinginsidemewarmsinwaysthatIhaven’tfeltwarminaverylongtime,butI’mnotclear-headed.I’mvulnerable rightnowinwaysthatmakethisdangerous Myhandflattensonhischest “Ican’t” “Can’twhat?”
“This,”Isay “Whateverthisis” “Why?”
“Emma!”
AtthesoundofMarion’svoice,Jax’schinliftsslightly,hisbroadchestrisingwithabreath.Istepbackfromhim,andhis handsfallaway.Forasplitsecond,maybetwo,oureyescollideagain,andIcan’texplainit,butit’sasifweshareasecret.A secretwecan’tallowtobetold
AndthensuddenlyMarionroundsthecornerandlaunchesherselfinourdirection.Iturntofaceherandfindmyselfwhisked into a hug “Iknow this is a hard time for you Iknow” Her voice cracks withemotionthatshe mightplayoffas losinga friend,butIknowit’smore.IknowthemanywaysthiswomanhurtmymotherandIdon’tknowhowIleavethatalone. Ipushbackfromher.“I’mfine.”
Hereyesnarrowonmyface.“You’reangry.”
“Idobelievethat’saphaseofgrief.”
“Yes,”shesays,afterapause “Idobelieveitis Randallisantsyforyourreturn I’lljusthurryintotheladies’room”She stepsaroundme,leavingiceintheairaroundmeasshedoes.Achillthemanbehindmewillnodoubtheat.Idrawinabreath, preparingmyselfforhisimpact,butwhenIturnhe’snotthere He’sdisappeareddownanotherhallway Apparently,hedidn’t wantmetorunawaywithhimallthatbadly.AndIwouldn’thaveanyway.
WouldIhave?No.Iwouldnot,andyetthatregretIfeltwhenhestoppedtouchingmeisheavyandohsoundeniable.Irotate andstartwalkingthedirectionIcamefrom,butIdon’tleaveJaxbehind He’salreadygone
don’twaitonMarion.Iroundthecornerandrunsmackintoahardbody,butoddly,IknowbeforeIlookupthatit’snotJax. Thismanstandinginfrontofmedoesn’tchargetheairwhenhetouchesme.Thismandoesn’tstiraburnlowinmybelly.Jax doesthesethingsandwhenIlookup,IfindthatthismanisRandall.“Whatareyoudoing?”hedemands. “It’sthecallofMotherNature,”Isay “Iwenttothebathroom” “You’vebeengonealongtime.”
“Inotherwords,Ihaveatimelimitwhilepeeing NexttimeI’llbemoreaggressiveaboutthetoiletline” “Don’tbeasmartass,”hesnaps.“Iwassimplyworriedaboutyou.” “Worrydoesn’tsoundlikeareprimand.Thatwasareprimand.”Ipullagainsthisarmandwhenheletsmego,Ifeelrelief notregrettosuchadegreethatIwonderhowIonceentertainedthismanasmyman Itwasatimenotsolongago,atimeIfeel thatIwaslost,whenperhapsmostwouldsaynowisthetimeofloss,andthatlossismyfather.I’velosthim,butwithhim,I realizeI’velostallthatIthoughtknewofmyself
Randallstepstomyside.“I’mjusttryingtokeepyoufocused,”hesays.“Focusingonworkkeepsyoufromfocusingonother things”
Idon’tlookathim.Idon’tneedhimtotellmewhatIcanorcan’tdointheaftermathofmyfather’ssuddendeparturefrom this world.FromwhatIknow,he’s now higher upthechainofcommand,certainlyaboveme,perhaps moresothanheeven knows, butitdoesn’tmatter Idon’twantwhathe wants Idon’twantto rule the world All Iever wanted was something else.SomethingI’mnotevengoingtoletmyselfentertainrightnow.
Enteringthebaragain,IglancetowardthetablewhereI’dsatwithJaxbutfinditempty He’sgone,andIdon’tknowhowa strangerhassomehow leftmesodamnempty.Maybehedidn’t.MaybeI’mjustfacingwhatwasalreadythere.Maybeaman andhiswhiskeymademestoprunningfromthetruth Ialmostlaugh Ihaven’tfinishedrunningatall “WegotyoubackandIlostmywife,”Monroesaysaswerejoinhimatthetable.
“I’mrighthere,”MarioncallsoutandI’mwhiskedbackintothehelloftheonedrinkthatsomehowbecametwo.Islowmy drinkingandorderrealcoffee Withcaffeine,thehazeofboozestillpresent,butitshifts Nowitnumbsmysensesjustenough to make the topics ofthe economyand the expansionofairlines and hotels tolerable. Funnyhow notthatlongago, I’d have enjoyedsuchaconversation,onceuponatime,whenIwantedtopleasethekingofourempire “Aren’tyouopeningaBodegaBaylocation?”Monroeasks,lookingatme. “Weare,”Isay.“Whalewatching,oceans,andwineries.It’saperfectcombination.” “Areyougoingtoopenawinerytocompeteintheregionaswell?”Marionasks.
“We’repartneringwithawinemaker,soyesandno,”Ireply,sippingmycoffeeanddecidingsoberingupisnotworkingfor me IneedmoreNorthWhiskey IneedmoreJaxNorth “We’ll have to talk about a destination package,” Marion adds. “Bodega Bay and Breeze Airlines, a Knight/Roger partnership Anotherperfectpairingbetweenbignamedbrands Smart,don’tyouthink,Emma?”
Apartnership that has defined much of my life in ways few could understand, but Marion looks at me with a spark of awareness inher eyes. She knows I’mnotwhatIseem. She knows Idon’twantthatexposed. We bothknow thatgives her power.
“Partnershipsholdvalue,”Isay,butIdon’taddmore.Iwanttoshutherout.Ineedtoshutheroutbecausemypastcouldhurt ourbrand MypastisblackmailmaterialandIdon’tknowhowtowashthataway “We’re eager to explore any partnership with the Rogers,” Randall interjects, casting me a hard side-eye. “Perhaps we shouldplanacouples’tripdownthere”
Couples trip. As ifhe and Iare a couple. That’s it. I’mdone. “Speakingofwhich,” Isay. “Ihave a crazyweekahead. I shouldhitthebed.”
“Ofcourse,honey,”Marionchimesin “Thishasbeenanemotionalfewweeksforyou”
Honey.Mymothercallsmehoney.Mymother,whoMarionbetrayedinwaysnooneshouldeverbebetrayed.
“Weshouldheadtobedaswell,”Monroesuggests,andwiththat,mysingularescapeisnowgoneandmissed.Inowmust waitforthecheckthatI’llsignforaccountingreasonsandtheconversationcontinuesrightupuntilthemomentwedepartfrom thebar.
Eternallythis process continues, but finally, we stand and I endure another hugfromMarion “We’ll do that Bodega trip together.Let’stalkaboutitatthefireman’scharityevent.”
MyteethclenchandIbitebackarejection Ihavenoideawhenthatis,butI’mnotgoing Notifshewantstotalkaboutatrip wetaketogether.Sheleansbacktostudyme.“Agirls’tripwillbeamazing.Inviteyourmotherifyoulike.” Bitch.
Suchabitch
Suchahorribleperson.
IwanttosmackherandevenwiththatNorthWhiskeyinme,Idon’t Ijustsaynothing “Bodegaiswonderful,”isallIsay Afewminuteslater,IstepontoanelevatorwithRandallbymyside.“Bodegaiswonderful?”hechallenges.“Sheofferedto takeatripwithyouandthat’swhatyousay?”
“I’vehitmylimitrightnow,Randall,”Isay.“Ineedrest.Ineedanemotionaltimeout.”Theelevatordingsandopens,butI don’texit.IturntoRandall.“Iknow myfather wasn’tyour father,butsurelyyoucanunderstandthatthisaffectsme.Tonight wasabouthim Tonightisnoteverynight”
Withthat,nowIexitthecar,walkingtomyright,towardmysuite.I’vebarelymadeittomydoorandRandallisthere.My handfumbleswiththekeyanddamnit,it’snowontheground IgrabitandbythetimeIstandup,he’scloser He’ssodamn close.Irotateandhe’sthere,handonthedoorjambabovemyhead.“Randall,”Ibiteout.“Timeoutmeanstimeout.”
“Ithinkyouneedsomeonetotalkto.Letmebethereforyou.”
“Be there for me? Youhave beenridingme like I’ma problempetwho won’tbehave.” The elevator dings, a sound that echoesinmymindwiththepromiseofcompanyandanexcusetopushhimaway. “IfI’vebeenoverbearing ” “Youhave,”Isay.“Stepback.” Instead,hishandsettlesatmywaist InstinctisinstantandIshovehimback “Stop,Randall” Hestepsintome,thathandstillatmyhip,andangersurgesthroughme.“Emma ” “Stop,”Iorder.“Stoprightnow.” “Problem?”
Atthefamiliarvoice,Randall’shandsfallawayfrommeandheturnstofaceJax.“JaxNorth.Neverwhereyou’resupposed tobe,nowareyou?”
“SeemslikeI’mexactlywheresheneedsmetobe.Stepawayandlethergointoherroom.”
TheairaroundRandallsnapsandpops “Whothefuckdoyouthinkyouare?” “Amanof little patience,” Jaxreplies all cool composure, “as youwell know.” Astatement that infers a historyI don’t expect.“Justaswebothknow,”Jaxadds,“thatshe’saKnightandyouarenot.”
IftherewasanythingthatcouldhitanervewithRandall,it’sthis,andI’mcertain,forreasonsIdon’tunderstand,Jaxknows thisandknowsitwell.It’salsoeverythingIwanttosaytoRandallbuthavenot,notinthewayJaxjustdid,andforreasons I’mnotcertainIcanlivewithgoingforward
“Spokenlikethesonwhoonlyinheritedwheneveryonewhomatteredinhisfamilydied,”Randallrepliesdryly.
Jax’s eyes meetmine fromover Randall’s shoulder and there is somethingcuttinginhis stare, somethingcold thatwasn’t there before, as ifhe feels Iamone withRandall. Ishake myhead, silentlyrejectingsuchwords buthe’s stone, unreadable stone.“Doyoureallywanttotravelthispathyou’retravelingrightnow,Randall?”heasks,hisgazeshiftingbacktotheother man
“Icouldpullyourbusiness,”Randallthreatens.
“AndI’mcertainshecouldoverruleyou”
Shebeingme,buthe’swrong.Idon’thavethatpower,nowmoresothanever.Randallmakesanamusedsound.“Youknow nothingaboutherorouroperation, Jax North ”
“Iknowthatyou’reactinglikeanasshole,”Jaxreplies.“Thinkaboutit,man.Tonightisnotthenight.” Tonight is not the night. He means because of my father. Doesn’t he? Why do I feel like there is something more there, something between these two that I don’t understand? Jax steps closer to Randall and speaks softly, whatever he’s said escapingmyears, butitreaches Randall’s. Atellingtale Iread fromthe stiffeningofhis spine, the tensionrollingalonghis shouldersthatevenbeneathhissuitjacketcannotbemissed
Asecondpasses,thentwo,andIcan’tseeanythingbutRandall’sback.Ican’thearthemspeakeitherbutsuddenlytheyturn to leave and disappear around the corner. I breathe out, myposture softening. What just happened? Apart of me wants to chargeafterthem.ApartofmefeelslikethisbattlethatjusteruptedisaboutmeandthereforeIhavearesponsibilitytoendit, but is it? I felt a familiar energy between them. I read something unspoken in their exchange. I suck in a breath when I
understand what happened tonight. Isat downwithJaxand made myselfa target, or rather, a weaponhe could use against Randall.
I canalmost feel the slice of the emotional blade, the painof yet another personusingme and this one, this one almost succeeded.ThisisexactlywhyeverythingIdofor mehastobeanonymous,hastobeoutsidethisworldofcutandbecut.I wasdrawntoJax IwantedJax Iwantedhimtothepointthathadhepushedjustalittlebitharder,atjusttherightmoment,I mighthaveendedupnakedwiththatman.StupidityishardtoswallowandIrotateandfacethedoor,shovingthekeyinfront ofthe sensor Once I’minside,Ileanonthe door andswallow againstthe tightness inmythroat WhyamIevenstayingthe night?Iliveinthecity.Idon’thaveanydesiretoturnbreakfastintobusinesscontacts.I’msuffocatingintheKnightempire.
Decisionmade, Igrab myphone, bookanUber, and withit onlyfifteenminutes out, hurrydeeper into mysuite, where I quicklychangeintojeans,sneakersandabaseballcapthatwillallowmetogetoutofherewithoutthelikelihoodofgarnering notice.PackingtakesmeanothertenminutesandsinceRandallhasn’tshownup,myescapeholdshope.Hurryingtothedoor,I peekintothe hallwaytofinditempty Myovernightbagis lightandItake the stairs,headingdowntwentyflights,butthat’s fine.Ineedtocleartheboozeoutofmysystemthat’sstillhazingmymind.OnceI’monthegroundlevel,Ipullthecapdown lowerandenterthelobby
Findingitsparselypopulated,IexittothestreetandspymyUber rightaway.Dashingthatdirection,Iopentherear door, tossmybaginsideandgreetthedriver.I’mabouttoclimbinsidewhenaprickleonmyneckisimpossibletoignore.Iturnand scantheareaaroundme,myeyeslandinghardonthetall,goodlookingmanstandingjustoutsidethehotelentrance:Jax Jaxis standingthere,andIsweartheweightofhisstareheatsmyskin,callsmetohim,thelookinhiseyesleavingmenoquestion. He’slookingforme He’sfoundme ButIcan’tstay.
BecausethereisonecertaintyIknow,onethatIfeeltomysoul.OnceIgetinvolvedwiththatman,thereisnoturningback. Andthereisnoquestion,there’snocomingbackfromwherehetakesme.There’snorecoveryfromwhatJaxNorthwoulddo tome.IgetintomyUber andshutthe door.“Drive,please,” Isay,butIdon’tbreathe easier whenwe begintopull away.I barelybreatheatall
wasright.
Nowisnotourtime.Itwasneversupposedtobeourtime.ThatmeetingwithEricMitchellcomesfirst.Iwatchherdrive away,thewomanIcamehereforandIlethergo.Ilethergoandwithgoodreason:Iwanthertoomuch.Thatwasn’tapartof theplan IstoodtherewithherbythatbathroomandIwilledhertobeanyonebutaKnight Iconvincedmyselfthatshewasn’t oneofthem,andthatsheneededtobesavedfromtheKnightfamilycurse.AcurseIplantocreate.Thenithappened.Randall broughtupmydeadfamilyinfrontofherandIknewIhadtobewrong Sheisoneofthem.
Andyet,Istandhere,thecoolairofftheoceanwashingovertheheatradiatingoffofme;onepartanger,onepartdesirefor awomanwhodeniesknowingmybrotherwhenIknowsheknewhim,butatleastInowunderstandhowtheKnightstookhim down.They,orratherEmmaKnight,isabitlikeadrugthatyouwanttotasteevenbeforeshetouchesyourtongue.Shecould lureamantohellandhe’dneverwanttocomeback,butIwon’tbefollowingEmmaorpursuingheratall Iwon’thaveto TonightIsetthetrap.
TonightIensuredthatshewillcometome Andmycastleawaits.
Emma
The women in my life are many, too many, but only one really matters…
IwakeSaturdaymorningtothedoorbell,sittingupinthecenterofmybed,myfather’sjournalfallingfrommylap,those words,hiswrittenwords,andsomanymoreburnedintomymind.Papersarescatteredaroundme,theaccordionfileI’dfound inmyfather’sofficeemptiedintorandompiles Igrabthejournalandflingitacrosstheroom
Hedidn’tnamenamesorgive specificsaboutanythingoranyone,buthestillsaidplenty.Iwasworriedaboutmysecretsdestroyingthisfamily.Mysecrets arenothing Iamnothingtohim ThedoorbellsoundsagainandIgroanwiththecertaintythatit’sadeliveryofsomesortthatI don’twant,butIcan’tstandnotknowing.
Climbingoverthetopofthepapers,Iperchontheedgeofthemattressandglancedownatmyleggingsandthicktanktop anddecideI’msuitablydressed Thedoorbellringsyetagainwithadeterminedvisitor,adeliveryabuildingstaffpersonisn’t allowedtoleaveatthedoor,nodoubt.Withahuffedbreath,Icavetothefactthatwhoeverthisisisn’tgoingaway.Pushingto my feet, I cross the bedroomand bound down the stairs to the living roomthat frames my front door “Who is it?” I ask, wonderingwhattimeitis,becauseItrulyhavenoidea.
“Openup,BirdDog”
EvenifIdidn’trecognizeChance’svoice,nooneelsecallsmeBirdDog,andthankGodforit.Iunlockthedoorandopenit to find mybrother standingthere, his darkhair a rumpled mess, his sweats and T-shirttellingme thathe justcame fromhis habitualweekendrun Theonehehasn’ttakensincedaddied ThetwoStarbuckscoffeecupsinhishandstellingmewhyhe believeshecangetasaywiththatoldnickname.“Ihatewhenyoucallmethat.”
Hepushesoffthedoorframehismuscularshoulderisholdingupandoffersmeacoffee “Ifitfits,youmustacquit”Irollmy eyesandacceptthecoffee.
“BirdDogdoesnotfitme”
“Backintheday,youwerealwayschasingmysecretstotellmomanddad.NowyouchasepropertyfortheKnighthotels.It fits.Drinkyourdamncoffee.”
Isip the white mocha withapproval “This is the onlyreasonyougetto come in” Ibackup and head toward the living room,claimingmybigolive-coloredchairthataccentsmycream-coloredcouch.“Especiallysinceyoumademegoalonelast night”
“Randallwasthere,”hesays,shuttingthedoor.
“Randall,”Isay.“Really?Youthinkthatbroughtmecomfort?Heactedlikemygriefwasaninconvenience.”
“Hewasjusttryingtogetyououtofyourownhead.”Hesitsontheotherolivechairacrossfrommeandsetshiscuponthe glasscoffeetable,themusclesinhisarmsdrawingmyattentionagain.
My brow furrows He might not have been running, but he was doing something “Are you living at the gym, or what? Becauseyouhaven’tbeenlivingattheoffice,likeusual,whichisn’tabadthing.Justanobservation.”
“Weeachdealwiththingshowwedealwiththings AndIhavemyshittogether Shit’sgettingdone”Heleansforwardand restshiselbowsonhisknees.“Ishouldn’thaveletyougoalonelastnight.Idon’tknowwhyanawardfordadfuckedwithmy headsobadly.”
IburntotalktohimaboutallIknowandallI’vediscovered,butmybrotherisagoodman.Idon’tbelievethathe’sinvolved inanythingI’vediscovered.Thequestionis,doIdestroyhimbytellinghimthetruthaboutourfather,ordoIdestroyhimby stayingsilentandriskingsomeofitbitinghimintheass?Rightnowhehasplausibledeniabilitytoallthingsinthataccordion fileandjournal.
“Wasitreallybad?”heasks
“Ofcourseitwasreallybad,butRandallmadeitworsethanithadtobe.Ican’tbelievedadmadehimhisexecutorandnot you.”
Hisjawclenches “NeithercanI,butIdohaveasoftspotforyouandheknewthat Randall ”
“Wantscontrolfortherestofmylife.Thatwon’thappen.Youknowthat,right?Iknowyou’reclosetohim,buthe’snotfor me.”
“Iknowthat,butdadhoped ”
“IknowwhathehopedandhegavehimcontroltotrytoforcemetomarryRandall.I’llwalkawayfromeverythingbeforeI dothat”
“Iknowyouwill.”Hereachesintohispocketandsetsacheckonthetable.“That’stomakesurethatdoesn’thappen.” “Whatisthis?”Isetmycupdownandgrabthecheck,openingittoreadaseven-figuresum Itearitup
“I’mnottakingthat” “Fuck,sis,I’mlowonchecks.I’lljustwireittoyou.”
“I’mnottakingyourmoney.”
“It’sourmoney Dad Ilovedhim,buthefuckedyouoveronthis I’mnotdoingthesame” Myheartsqueezes.“I’mnottakingyourmoney.”
“It’sourmoney That’sjusthowitis I’mgoingtotellRandalltoreleaseanyfundsthewillallowshimtoreleasetoyou” “That’snothing,”Isay.“NothingforanothersevenyearsandonlyifRandallsignsoff.” “I’mgoingtomakehimsignitthefuckovertome”
“Youcan’tdothat,”Iremindhim.“Ireadthefineprint.Didyou?”
“No,butyou’vegottobekiddingme.Thatcan’tberight.Hecan’treleaseyou?”
“Nope Dadknewyou’dmakehimhandovermytrust,soheensuredyoucan’t” Hecurses.“Whatthehellwashethinking?”
“Itdoesn’tmatter MytriptoGermanywillbemysanity IneedabreakfromRandall” “I’llreinhimin,”hepromises.“AndI’mgoingwithyoutonight.” Mybrowfurrows.“Tonight?”
“Thefireman’scharityevent.”
“That’stonight?OhGod,Chance.Ican’tdomoreMarionRogertonight.DoIreallyneedtogo?”
“IneedtosaddlebackupandIknow it Saddleupwithmebecauseeveryfuckingtimesomeonetellsmethey’resorryfor myloss,Iwillslitmywrist.”
“Don’tsaythat,”Ichide,knottingupjusthearinghimsaysuchathing “YouknowIwouldn’toffmyself.That’snotme.”
“Wejustlostdad,”Iremindhim.“Youhaven’texactlybeenyourself.” Hedrawsadeepbreathandexhales.“Look.Sis.Igetit.I’vecheckedoutbutI’mback.” “Areyou?”
“I am I was never really all that checked out Taking over the entire Knight operation for dad comes with a price I’m wearingatargetonmychestandIneededsometimetoassessafewthingsdadhandledonhisownbeforeIinteractedwitha numberofpeople Ihavemyplan I’mreadytomoveforward” “Whydidn’tyoujusttellmethat?”
“BecauseIdidn’twanttomakeitworsefor you.Iwantedyoutogrieveinpeace,evenifIcouldn’t.”Hiscellphonerings and he grabs it fromhis pocket “That’s Randall I’mmeeting himfor coffee to review some work I’ll be back Monday morning,andeveryonewillknowit.”Hepicksuphiscoffeeandstandsup.“Gobacktobed.It’searly.” “Howearly?”
“Eight.”
Myeyesgowide “MyGod,howearlydidyourun?”
“Six.Andspeakingoftime,I’llpickyouupforthepartyatseven?”Histonesoftens.“It’sonayacht,Emma.”
Mymind flashes backto a monthearlier, to the shinyblackcasketsittingonthe deckofthe yacht, the cold breeze offthe ocean,andmytremblingbody “Chance,”Ibreatheoutdesperately “Surelypeoplewouldunderstandusskippingthis” “Theywould,”hesays,“butthey’dalsoseeusasweakandvulnerable.Weneedtogo.Forusandfordad.” Iswallow hard,fightingbackthe bitterness Ifeel towardmyfather rightnow Fightingthe guiltthatfollows “I’mrunning awaytoGermanyaftertheparty.”
“Notfortwoweeks”Hewinks “Icangiveyoulotsofhellbetweennowandthen,BirdDog” IlaughdespiteeverythingcuttingandbitinginsidemeandChanceisalreadyatthedoor.“Hey,”Isay,“isRandallgoingto bethere?”
“Yes,”hesays,“butI’mgoingtomeethim,remember?I’llpullhimback” “Thankyou,Chance.”
“Anythingforyou,littlesis”
Heopensthedoorandleaves.He’sgoneandI’malone.Idon’tknowwhythatfeelssignificantrightnow,butthen,secrets haveawayofmakingyoufeelisolated.Ialsodon’tknowwhythismakesmethinkaboutJaxNorth,orwhyIgrabmycomputer andpowerituptogooglehisname.Ipullupaphotoofhisfather,twobrothers,butthereisnoshotofhismother.Hisfather died ina skiingaccident, as he told me. His youngestbrother owns and operates a series ofcigar bars. Jaxruns the North
Whiskeybrand and does so since his brother died atonlythirty-sixyears old, butIcan’tfind anythingthattells me how he died.Thereisnothingabouthismotheratall.
That’s oddandIwonder whatstorythereis totell Iwonder ifJaxandhis familyhavesecrets Iwonder ifthey’reinmy father’sjournal.It’sasillythought.Ofcourse,theyaren’t.
Emma
Chance pulls his BMW up to the pier and two paid attendants open our doors. “I’mwith you all the way, sis,” Chance promises,givingmyarmasqueeze.YoujustmightnotknowhowdamngladIamthatyou’rewithme,too.” Thisconfessionsideswipesmedespiteourcloseness.Chanceisstrong,toostrongattimes,dogmaticabouteverythinghe’s passionate about and passionate about everything to do with the Knight brand, but death can unwind even the strongest of people.
Wesharealookthatsayswebothknowwe’reonourown momcheckedout,dadisgone butwehaveeachother,before webreakawayandexitthecar.Isteptothesidewalkandintoacoldblastofwindthatliftsmyhairfrommyneck,shootinga chill downmyspine.Ipull myvelvetjacketuparoundtheblacklaceknee-lengthdressI’mwearing,decidingmythigh-high tightsandknee-highbootsmightnotbeformal,buttheyweresmartchoices SanFranciscoischillynomatterwhatthetimeof the year, everyinchgustingwithoceanwaters; but evenmore so this close to the water that onlya monthbefore hosted a goodbyetomyfather
Chance joins me, lookinghandsome as usual ina tuxedo and Iswear it’s as ifRandall has radar onus. We haven’teven startedwalkingtowardtheboatwhenhe’sjoiningus,hiseyesonme “Youlooklovely,Emma,butthenyoualwaysdo”
“Spokenlikeamantryingtomakeupforbeingacompletejerklastnight,”Isay,“butthankyounonetheless.” Chance laughs. “That puts things into perspective now, doesn’t it? Do you have something more direct to say to her, Randall?”
Randall’sexpressiontightens.“I’msorry,Emma.”
“Apologyaccepted,”Isay,“despiteitsoundinglikeyou’resuckingonalemonwhiledeliveringit Anddon’tactlikethat again.”
“Understood,”hesays,withsomucheasethatIknowChancehasbeengoodtohisword,asIalwaysknowIcanexpectwith him.“Andfortherecord,”headds.“I’mnotholdingyouhostagethewayyourfatherintendedhiswilltoholdyouhostage.But Ican’tchangehowit’swritten.”
“Justhowyouact,”Icomment
“Agreed,”heconcedes.“I’vebeenadick.Correctiontomyattitudeinplace.”
IhavenoideawhatmybrothersaidtoRandall,butforthefirsttimeinalongtime,Irememberwhyhe’smybrother’srighthandman.It’snoteasytoeatcrow andhejustdid.IgiveRandall atinynod,acceptancethere,butIdon’tgooverboard,for fearthatwillgivehimatickettooverreactagain.
Chanceseemstoapproveofmyresponse,offeringmehisarmandthethreeofusmakeourwaytowardtheparty,whichisin fullswingaswestepontothemaindeck.TheboataccommodateswhatI’dguesstobeathousandguests.Tonightthereappears tobeabouthalfofthatpresent Wefadeintothecrowd,pulledintoaconversationwithonepersonafteranothergreetsus It’s bearabletorturewithChancebymyside,amusing,too,asthestringofwomenthattrytogarnerhisattentionbecomedownright comical Oneprettyblonde,theheadofthelocalMuscularDystrophyAssociation,whoisrathersweetseemstotrulyinterest himandIbelieveshe’swithoutanagendabeyondhercharity.
I’mlisteningtohertellastorywhenawarenessgrabsme,mygazeliftingandscanningforasource.Myeyescutthrougha gapbetweenbodiestocollidewiththatofthemanstandingattherailingsomedistanceaway.Ijoltwithawareness,myheart instantlyskippingabeat. Jax. Jaxishereandnotonlyistheboatsuddenlywarmer,Ideciderightthenthattheonlypersonon planetearththatlooksbetterinatuxthanmybrotheristhisman IhavetoforcemyselftorememberthatheandRandallhadan interactionthatmade me questionhis agenda. Ihave to force myselfto remember thatthere is a price for beingvulnerable whichI’velearnedthehardway,toohardtoforgetnow
“YouknowJaxNorth?”Chanceasks,leaninginclose.
ItearmygazefromJax’sandfocusonmybrother.“Wemetlastnight.”
“Andyouobviouslymadeanimpression,”hestates “Interesting”
Mybrowsfurrow.“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Hewon’teventalktomeorRandall,”Chanceinformsme.
“HespoketoRandalllastnight,”Icorrect “Theyhadwords Notgoodoneseither” “Holyfuck,”hegrumbles.“Whythehelldidtheyhavewords?”
“Jaxoverheadhimbeingajerktome JaxcametomydefenseandRandall,inturn,wasajerktoJax Randallthreatenedto pullhisbusiness.”
“Damnittohell Randall,youlittleprick,”hemumblesunderhisbreathbeforehemotionstotheblondewe’vebeentalking to.“Letmefindyouinafewminutes,okay?”
ShenodsandwalksawaywhileChanceturnstofaceme.“RandallknowsI’mtryingtoconnectwithJax.”
“What’sthedealhere,Chance?Isn’tJaxavendor?Whyareyoutryingtoconnectwithhim?Andwhynotjustwalkoverto himandtalktohimnow?”
“Dadwantedtobuytheirpropertytoconvertitintoabedandbreakfast Itwasapassionprojectofhis Ihavenoideawhy, butitwas.”
“I’mtheonewhodoespropertydevelopment Whydon’tIknowaboutthis?”Myguttwists “Nevermind Iknowwhy He didn’ttrustme.”
“He didn’ttrustme either. This was some personal thingto him. Iwantto know whybutwe never will. Hell, I’d like to makethishappen,indad’shonor,youknow?”
“Whydidn’tyoutalktomeaboutthis?”
“Ihaven’tgivenitalotofthoughtuntil now Itriedtocall Jaxandheblew meoff Maybeyoucantalktohim Maybewe couldmakethishappenindad’smemory.”
I’mnotbigonanythingtohonordad’smemory,butthat’snotwheremyheadisrightnow.Suddenly,Jaxisn’ttheonewho wants somethingfromme. We’re the ones who wantsomethingfromJaxand Inow wonder ifI’d considered the Norths as sourcematerialformydad’sjournalforareason.IstheresomethingIknowthatIdon’trealizeIknoworsomethingIreadthat triggeredthatthought?“Emma?”
IblinkChancebackintoview.“Sorry.Iftheopportunityarises,I’lltalktoJax,butRandallreallypissedhimofflastnight.” And I blew himoff with the assumption that he was the one with the agenda “Talk to your pretty blonde You don’t date enough.Ilikeher.”
“She’stooniceforme,”hesays,winking.“I’llfindyousoon.”HedisappearsintothecrowdandIhuntforavisualofJaxI can’tfind,andreally,doIwanttoapproachhimwithmyownagenda?Idon’t.Ihatewhenpeopledothattome. Idecidetoheaddownstairsandcheckoutthefoodtables.
AplanthatworkswellrightupuntilIwalkstraightintoMarion’spath She’sinasilver,low-cutgownI’mcertainmyfather wouldappreciateandhiswordsplayinmyhead: The women in my life are many, too many, but only one really matters. I wonderifshe’stheonewhomattered?
“Thereyouare,”shegreets.“Ineedtoruntochatwithaclient,butIhaveasurpriseforyou.”Shesqueezesmyarm.“I’ll find youina few minutes.” She steps awayfromme and unease rolls throughme, a forebodingsensationthat might be me workingmyselfupoverthejournal Ormaybeit’sthejournalmakingmeawareofjusthowgoodthiswomandoesbad MyheartisracingandIyankmycoattighteraroundme,hurryingdownthesteps.Awaiterpasseswithglassesofchampagne I’d passed onearlier Iacceptone, downit, and offer himmyglass, whichIreplace witha full glass Ithenwalkstraight throughthecrowdandexittotheoutdoorbalcony,whichthecoldnighthasleftempty,andtheboatisn’tevenmoving.Good.I needthealonetimewhenironically,I’dhatedbeingalonejustthismorning
“Careful,”afamiliarmalevoicesays.“Itmightbealittletooeasytotakeadvantageofyououthere.”
JaxstepstotherailingbesidemeandwhenIlookathim,whenoureyesmeet,I’mmeltingrighthereinthechillynightair.“I didn’texpectyoutobehere”
“How disappointing,” he says,andwe turninunison,facingeachother,eachwithanelbow onthe railing.He’s close,so much closer than I’d realized, the scent of his musky, earthy cologne lifting in the ocean breeze, teasing my senses Those intelligentblue eyes piercing. “Because ifyoudidn’texpectme,” he adds, “thenyoumustbe invitingsomeone else to take advantageofyou”
“I’mnotaseasytotakeadvantageofasyoumightthink.” Hislipsquirk.“Isthataninvitationformetotry?”
Emma
oyouwant totakeadvantageofme?”Iask.
Hislipshintatasmile,hiseyeswarm.“Doyoureallywantmetoanswerthatquestion?” “Yes,”Idare.“Ido.”
“Thenyes,IbelieveIdo”Hiseyestwinklewithmischief “Butonlyifyou’reawillingvictim” “Hmmm,”Isay.“I’mnotsureIlikethatwordvictim.”
“Hmmm,”hereplies “Wellthen,IguessI’llconsiderthatachallenge” Ismile.“Willyounow?”
“Yes.Iwill.Areyougoingtorunagain?”
“Ididn’trun”
Hearchesabrow.
“Ileft Iliveintown Iwantedtobeinmyownbed” “Andnotmine?”
“That’sverydirect,”Isay
“YoupreferIplaygames?”
“No,”Iassurehim.“Ihaveenoughpeopleinmylifethatdothatwithoutaddinganother.”
“SinceIdon’tlikegames,weshouldgetalongwell”Hereachesoverandcoversmyhandwhereitholdsmyglass,oureyes colliding,holding,ashebringsittohislips.Hepausesthere,hiseyesholdingmineashedrinksthebubblingliquid,amessage ofintendedintimacyintheaction
HeatpullslowinmybellyandIcanbarelybreathe.Ifeelhiminallpartsofme,inwaysIdonotexpect.
“NoNorthWhiskey?”heasks,hishandsslowlyslidingawayfrommine,leavingmeachingforthenexttimehewilltouch me,certainthathewill,anxiousforthatmoment.
“Wesettleforwhatwecanget,”Isay.
“Neversettleforanythingbutwhatyoureallywant Whatdoyouwant,Emma?”
You,Ithink,buthealreadyknowsthat.“Fornow,I’llsettleforyoutellingmewhathappenedbetweenyouandRandalllast night”
Hearchesabrow.“Hedidn’ttellyou?”
“RandallandIdon’ttalkmuch.”
“Hewantstofuckyou.”
Ifhewantstoshockme,he’sfailed.“HewantswhathethinksIcangivehim.”
“Youdiscountyourbeauty,”hestatessimplyasifthisisfact,notseduction “Why?” Somehowit’sbothcomingfromhim.
HethinksI’mbeautifulandIcan’tdenymypleasureatthisconfession,onlywithhimit’snotaconfession,Iremindmyself He’sconfidentinwhoheisandsureabouthisthoughtsanddesires.Somehow thatmakeshisdeclarationofmybeautymean more thanitwould fromsomeone else. “Because I’ve knownRandall for years. Myfather treated himlike a sonand yethe didn’tinherit.”
Hestudiesmealongmoment.“Andnow,morethanever,heseesyouasapathtomakehisroleinthefamilypermanent.” Idon’tconfirmordenythatstatement Idon’tknowJaxwellenoughtotrusthimwiththatkindofexposureonmypart I’ve saidtoomuchasitisbutRandalljustwon’tgiveupandyethewalkedawaylastnight.Hedidn’tevenknowIleftthehotel.It’s anoddoccurrence,oneI’dlikeexplainedforreasonsthathavenothingtodowithRandall,notdirectlythatis,andeverything todowithamonthofdiscoveriesaboutmyfamily.
“Youdidn’tanswermyquestion,”Iremindhim.“WhathappenedbetweenyouandRandall?”
HestudiesmeamomentandIthinkhemightresistmyredirection,buthedoesn’t “Heaskedmetostepintothelobby,and
