Science and Religion: Edwin Salpeter, Owen Gingerich and John Polkinghorne: In conversation with Mark Turin and Alan Macfarlane 1st Edition Edwin Salpeter
Author note: Thisbookwaspreviouslyreleasedas The Blame Game,partofthe Brook Brothers series.Ithasbeen completelyreimaginedandre-edited
Content Warning
This story contains scenes of domestic abuse that may be upsetting to some readers Please take care when reading
For all the women forced to make difficult choices, no matter what the consequences
You’ve got this!
THE EXPECTED KNOCK ARRIVES AT MY DOOR A FEW MINUTES EARLIER THAN EXPECTED. I DON’T USUALLY SUFFER FROM CLAMMY palms,butthey’reclammynow Igrabatissueandwipethem,knowingI’llhavetoshakethehandofmyenemy Notthathehas anycluewhoIam.
Iknowhim,though.
Soon,I’llknowhimawholelotbetter,too Istraightenmyspineandtakeadeepbreath,havingspentmostoflastnightstaringattheceilingandrunningpossibilities throughmymindforhowtodealwiththisunexpectedsituation Thisishappening,andfarearlierthanwe’dplanned Iguess whenluckcomes calling, itmakes sense to grab the opportunitywithbothhands, althoughIcan’tstop the prickle ofworry circlinginmytummy Ifeelunprepared,despitethemonthsofgroundwork
Iforce a professional smile that’s friendly, warm, butnotoverlyfamiliar. “Nota problematall. Ihad a free slotinmy calendar,anditwaseitherseeyouorgotothegymwithanoverzealousfriend Youweretheeasychoice”
Declan’sslow grinlightsafireinthosecompellingeyes.“Notafanofworkingout?”Idon’tmissthebriefsweepofhis gaze over my body a normal reaction from a lot of men I come into contact with, but this one leaves me with a very uncomfortablefeeling.
He removes a folder fromhis briefcase and sets it down on my desk. I give his hands a cursory glance: well-shaped fingernails, smooth skin, no scars or calluses Those aren’t a worker’s hands But then, why would they be? He’s led a privilegedlife.Atonetime,sohadI,untilhisfathercamealongandstolemychildhood.
“Tellmemore I’vereadthenotesaccompanyingtoday’sappointment,butI’dprefertogetthefulldetailsfromyou” He clears his throat. “I recently purchased two adjacent properties in Manhattan. The plan is to merge them into one boutiquehotel.Unfortunately,afterthesalehadgonethrough,mylawyerdiscoveredacovenantononeoftheproperties,which
The venture capitalists I worked for had a higher attitude to risk than mainstreambanks. And what with the upcoming recession,they’dtightentheircriteriafurther
“Gotitinone.” He sips his coffee.“Believe me,Miss Monroe,Iwouldn’tbe here ifIhadanyother options.Ihave the cashtocovertherenovationstothestandardexpectedofanO’Reillyhotel,andIwon’tskimponthat Whichbringsmehere I’mnotafanofventurecapitalists.I’mbuildinganempire,andthattakestimeandpatience.MostventurecapitalistsI’vecome acrossjustwanttheirpoundofflesh,regardlessofanylong-termimpactsthatmighthaveonthebusiness.Nooffence.” “Nonetaken”
I sip my drink and review his numbers. They’re all in order. In fact, the proposal is more than solid. If it’s executed correctly,myclientscouldbesittingonaveryhealthyreturn.DeclanO’Reillyisn’tjusthellishlyattractive.He’ssmart,too. Ido mydue diligence, takingmytime, occasionallymakingnotes inthe margin. IhalfexpectDeclanto interruptor ask rapid-firequestions,buthesitsquietly,hishandsrestinginhislap,movingonlytoleanforwardandpickuphiscoffeecup.
Whenheremainssilent,Isquirm,causingthefaintesttilttohislips. What the hell, Indie. I’mknownformyabilitytouse silenceasavaluablebusinesstactic,yettensecondsunderthisman’sintensegaze,andI’mahotmess
I clear my throat and capitulate. “Like I said, it’s a solid business case. Nothing’s certain, of course. Lots of different factorscomeintoplaywhendecidingwhethertoinvestsuchalargesumofmoneyinaventurethatisn’tevenofftheground yet,butI’lldomybesttostrikeadealthatwillbenefitallparties”
“I’msureyou’llfindawaytopersuadethem.”
“Justtocheck you’renotwillingtoputupanyofyourotherhotelsascollateral?Itwouldsweetenthedeal” Heshakeshishead.“It’sthissingularbusiness.That’sit.AndIwantaclauseinthecontractthatallowsmetoendthedeal early,withoutpenalty,ifIpaythecapitalplusinterestbackbeforethetermends” It’snotanunreasonablerequest.Imakeanote.“That’sfine.” His hooded eyes stroke me witha lover’s touch, and heatflushes throughme. This is goingbetter thanIexpected. Phil won’t believe it whenI tell himthat not onlyhas DeclanO’Reillyfallenunexpectedlyinto mylap, givingme a legitimate reasontoengagewithhim,buthe’salsoclearlyinterestedinmorethanmybusinesscontacts.Forsomestrangereason,andone Ican’tputmyfingeron,I’mnotreadytolethimleavejustyet “Itsoundslikethisventureisveryimportanttoyou.”
Istare athim,dumbfoundedandincredulous Whyhas a burningsensationtakenupresidence inmychest? Isuppress an urgetorubmysternumandreachforthePeptoBismol.“They’reluckytohaveyou.”
Declanlooksdirectlyatme,hisgreengazeunwavering “I’mnotsuretheywouldalwaysagreewiththat,butthankyou” “You’re welcome.” I pushbackmychair and stand, suddenlyneedingto end this meetingso I canexamine the strange feelingsswirlinginsideme,thenmakethemgoaway.“I’llbeintouch.”
Declanrises fromhis chair and refastens his jacket He reaches into the inside pocketand pulls outa business card “I appreciateyourtime.Ifyouneedanythingfurthertosealthedeal,don’thesitatetogivemeacall.”
My teeth graze my lip. Declan O’Reilly hadn’t turned out at all as I’d expected. Such a shame that a man so hellishly attractive,theepitomeoftall,dark,andhandsome,camefrombadstock
Icutthecallwithoutwaitingforaresponse,notinthemoodtolistentothejubilanceinhisvoice.Imayhavewaitedalong time for this opportunity, butnow it’s arrived, a nastytaste inmymouthhas replaced the expected rushofexcitementatthe chancetoexactthejusticewe’reowed.
A COUPLE OF DAYS PASS WITHOUT ANY WORD FROM INDIA MONROE. I CALL HER OFFICE NO ANSWER. I LEAVE A MESSAGE WITH thereceptionist,butwhenIndiadoesn’tcallmeback,I’mleftwithlittlechoiceotherthantoassumethedealisano-go Bonedeepdisappointmentweighs heavilyuponme,notonlybecause itmeans myplans are shottohell, butalsobecause Iwon’t haveachancetosee her again.
The lackofcontactfromher means Ican’tputoffthe inevitable anylonger, though. Isend a textto Callum, and one to Ciaran,askingthemtostopbythepropertiesafterwork,thenIspendthenexthourpacing Mymoodturnsblackerwitheach step.Ihavetwostrikesagainstmewhenturningtomybrothersforadviceorhelp.One,Dadbroughtusupwithapridestreaka milelong.Two,I’mtheeldestbrother,theguardian,andtheonewho’ssupposedtohaveallthefuckinganswers.
He unbuttons his suit jacket and pulls up a chair at the antique oaktable inwhat I’d planned to turninto the restaurant kitchen.Ciaran,stilldressedinhisNYPDuniform,shakeshisheadathistwin,andtouchestheGlockslottedintohisdutybelt. “CanIjustshoothimnow?”
Callumflipsoffhistwin.Despitethebleaknessofthesituation,mylipstwitch.Theymightbeidenticalinlooks,butthat’s where the similarity ends Callum is the more hotheaded and blunter of the two, whereas Ciaran is calm, measured, and kindhearted. Their personalities fitwell withtheir chosencareers. Callumis the consummate salesperson, whichis whyhe headsupthesalesdivisionofNecron,theliquorcompanyhestartedwithZayden,hisbestfriendfromcollege He’salsothe jointCEObutleavesmostoftheboringbusinessstufftoZayden,preferringthecutandthrustofsales.Hischarm,alongwith hisdoggeddetermination,serveshimwellindrivingtheaggressivegrowthofthecompany.
He’sadamnedgoodcop,too,andwhilehehasthepoliticalacumentoclimbtheranks,hebelievesthattruegoodcomes from working the streets. From engaging with the kids before the gangs get hold of them, and steering them in the right direction.
Heconsidersmyquestioncarefully,takinghistimetoanswer.Whenheeventuallyspeaks,itis,asalways,worthlistening to “Ithinkwhenyoufoundtheseproperties,asparklitupinsideyou oneIhaven’tseenfor alongtime For somereason, thesearedifferentfromalltheotherhotelsyou’verevampedandopenedoverthelastfewyears.Idon’tknowwhy,andI’mnot sureyoudoeither,butthatexcitementisworthholdingonto,nomatterwhatthecost.”Hehitchesoneshoulder.“Mytwocents, forwhatit’sworth.”
Ciaranstaresatmeforasecondortwoasifhe’stryingtosolveapuzzle.Botheyebrowsflickup,andheslapsahandon the wall “Christ” He takes two strides until he’s rightinfrontofme Grippingmyshoulders, he gives me a shake “Fuck, Declan, that’s it. That’s whythis place is so fuckingspecial.” His eyes lightup. “It’s almosta replica ofhome. Our home, wherewelivedwithMomandDad”
“Fuck,” Callummutters. Walkingto the fireplace, he trails a finger over the dustysurface. His expressionmorphs from belligerenttobleak,andafreshtorrentofremorsesweepsthroughme
“HowcomeIdidn’tseethisbefore?”Irubmyforehead.“Iknewthisplacewasdifferent,butIcouldn’tfigureoutwhy.” Itall makes sense now. The overwhelmingdesperationto find a solution, and the riskofgoingto outside investors. The bone-deepstubbornnesstomakethiswork,evenifIhavetorenovateeverysingleinchwithmybarehands.
Callumshakeshisheadandjabsafingeratme “No, you wantedtobeastageactor Natewasalwaysmoreinterestedin moviesandTV.”
Mychesttightens,andIforcedownaswallow.HowcanInothaveknownaboutthis?SomehowCallumisaware,yetI’ve remainedblindtothetruth.IalwaysthoughtNateandIhadaspecialbond.Notatwinbond,likeCallumandCiaran,butjustas special. Yet, these pastfew years, he’s slipped farther and farther away. Our lives are diverging, and Idon’tlike it. “Since when?”
Ciarandirects a flashofirritationathis twinbefore his eyes cutto mine. “Nate told youhe wanted to be a stage actor becausehefeltguiltythatyou’dgivenupyourdreamstotakecareofuswhenMomandDad…”Ciaranshakeshishead,the slightmovementtingedwithsadness.“Anyway,hefeltheowedittoyoutofollowinyourfootsteps,butmoviesandTVwere alwayswhathereallywantedtodo.”
“WhataboutaskingNateforaloan?”Ciaranproposes “No. He’s distanced himself enoughfromthis family. I want to pull himbackinto the fold, not alienate himfurther by treatinghimasacashcow”
I SPEND THE NEXT THREE DAYS CLEARING OUT A BUNCH OF CRAP IN THE BASEMENT WHILE JUGGLING PHONE CALLS TO THE managers ofmyother hotels Before Iboughtthese two properties, I’d visiteachhotel atleasteverytwo weeks, butgiven what’s needed to bring this project to fruition, I’ll have to manage remotely for the foreseeable. Lucky for me, I have an experiencedteaminplacewhoaremorethancapableoftakingcareoftheday-to-dayoperations.
I glance around the space that will soon be our home, determined to save every cent I can to spend on the hotel refurbishment.AllIhavetodoistomakethisplacehabitable.Italreadyhaselectricsandplumbing.I’llhavetopaysomeone tofitakitchenandabathroom,butI’mnotsocashpoorthatIthinkit’sagoodideatomessaroundwithwaterandelectricity Bettertoleavethosetotheprofessionals.
Ciaranhelpsasmuchashisshiftsallow,ropinginhisbestfriendandfellowNYPDcop,Draven aGoliathofamanwith hands like shovels, and a work ethic that puts Ciaran and me to shame. Callum has been notorious by his absence since stormingout.I’velearnedtoleavehimalonewhenhethrowsatantrum.He’llcomearoundintheend.Healwaysdoes.Shame hehastotakethecircuitousroute,buthe’salwaysbeenastubbornass
There’s a breathytone to her voice that pushes everysingle lust button, turningmyinsides into aninferno of need. My fingersitchtoburythemselvesinherhair,andmycockstrainsagainstmyzipper Instead,Ireacharoundhertopushthedoorshut.“TowhatdoIowethepleasure?”
“Icalled a few days ago to let youknow I’d found another solution. Ican’t remember who Ispoke with, but theysaid they’dmakesuretheyletyouknow”ThestingofrejectionhadstayedwithmesinceIleftthatmessageandshedidn’treturn mycall.
“I’mnot Noneofusare Oneofmybrothersispissedathavingtomoveinhere He’sworriedhemightgetaspeckofdust onhisarrayofdesignersuits.”Irollmyeyesandshehuffsalaughthroughhernose.“Butneedsmust.Mybusinesscomesfirst. Putup withsome discomfortnow, reap the rewards later I’mcontentto be a multi-millionaire onpaper for the time being Growingbusinessesisallaboutreinvestingprofits.Plentyoftimetolivelikeaking.”
God, I fucking want her First, I gave up relationships to raise my siblings Then I gave themup to start my business Perhapsnowisthetimetoputmyselffirst,butrushingheristhewrongthingtodo.Idon’tknowhowIknowthat,butintuition tellsmeifIpushher,she’llbackawayratherthanmoveincloser
Indie licks her lips, givingme a flashofpinktongue. Ialmostgroan, somehow bitingbackthe telltale sound atthe last minute.Shehasthemostenticingmouth.Theplumlipstickoffsetshertoffee-coloredhairperfectly.Ireachforherhand,witha thrillrunningthroughmewhensheletsmetakeit.Herslenderfingers,tippedwithpale-pinknailpolish,wraparoundmine.I suppressashiverasanelectricshockpassesthroughme.
“Let’sstartonthefourthfloorandworkourwaydown”
Ibarelyremember the climb to the top floor. The floweryscentfromher perfume drifts up mynostrils, and the wayshe pantsasweconquereachflightofstairshasmyimaginationrunningonovertime Igripherhandtightly,runningmythumboverherwrist.“Almostthere.”
The inflection in her voice leads me to peer closer, and my eyes lock on hers It almost sounds as if there’s a hidden meaning behind an innocent question. I drop her hand and move into her body, testing the waters. She doesn’t disappoint, holdinghergroundasI’dhopedshewould.
“Dependsonthereward”
Herlipscurveupatthecorners.“Goodanswer.”Sheturnsaroundandmakesherwaydownthenarrowhallway.Multiple doorways lead off to the left and right When she reaches the end, she faces me, leaning back against the door “Are you keepingitlikethis?”
Ifollowher,mystepsslowbutsure “No”Ibangafistagainstthefarwall “Theseareallcomingdown Iwanttocreate one bigroomhere, and anidentical one nextdoor thatI’ll turninto two penthouse suites. California kingbed, comfyliving area,thickcarpeting,luxuriousbathroom.Thewholeworks.”
Indielowersherchin,lookingupatmethroughherthickeyelashes,eachblinkgracingherpalecheeks “I’msingle” Awhooshofreliefshoots upmyspine.Exactlyas I’dhoped.“Good.”Istudyher reactionfor anysignthatmyresponse made her uncomfortable,butitappears tobe the opposite.Asmall smile creeps across her face,andas she walks past,her bodyskimsmine,eventhoughthereisplentyofroomforhertokeepherdistance Mylungsflattenattheall-too-briefcontact “What’s next?” She glances over her shoulder atwhere I’mstanding,frozentothe spot.WhenIdon’tmove,she frowns. “Declan?”
Whenwe reachthe firstfloor, Ibringthe tour to a close. “So, whatdo youthink?” Iaskinaneffortto draw her outof herself For some unfathomable reason, I want her to love this place as muchas I do to share inmyvisionand give her approval.
THE FOLLOWING EVENING,I ARRIVE OUTSIDE THE BAR WHERE I’VE ARRANGED TO MEET INDIE WITH TEN MINUTES TO SPARE. MY cheeks burnfromthe cold, and Ican’tfeel myhands The weather is behavingmore like winter thanfall Myskinmightbe cold,butmyinsidesheatattheanticipationofspendingtheeveningwiththewomanI’veobsessedoversinceourfirstmeeting.
I’mstill a little surprised she agreed to come ona date. There’s somethingabouther thatscreams suspicionfromevery pore,whichiswhyI’dexpectedtohavetoworkhardertowinherover Withoutknowingmuchabouther,onethingI’mcertain ofis thatIndie is differentfrommostwomenI’ve dated. Notthatthe listis long, butIhaven’tlived like a complete monk. Indie’saloofandbusinesslikeoneminute,thenwarmandfriendlythenext Awomanlikethatkeepsamanonhistoes Awomanlikethatkeepsamanlikemeinterested.
Ipushopenthedoor,andtheheatfromthebarhitsmelikeafurnace Aftershruggingoutofmycoatandgloves,Itakea seatatatablewithaviewoftheentrance,givetheservermydrinkorder,thenslipmycellfrommypocketandanswerafew emails while Iwait. Everytime the door opens, Isnap up myhead, disappointmentdartingthroughmychestwhenthe new arrivalisn’tIndie
She could stand me up. In fact, I half expect her to. And if she does… I won’t let it go. There’s an undeniable spark betweenus Idon’tknowaboutIndie,butit’sunusualformetoreacttoawomanlikeIhavetoher Whatwehave couldhave israreandprecious,andIdon’tintendtothrowitaway,notwithoutgivingitmybestshot.
“Hopeyouhaven’tbeenwaitinglong.”Shetakestheseatadjacenttomineandfoldshercoatinhalf,settingitdownbeside her. “Gosh, the weather is crazy.” Slidingher cell outofher purse, she gives ita cursoryglance, thenturns itover withthe screenfacingdown.
Runningherhandupmythigh,shestopsjustshyofmygroin.Iinhaleasharpbreath.Whoa,she’smovingfast.I’vehada fewone-nightstandsovertheyears,unabletocommitthetimetoafull-onrelationship,butwithIndie,Iwantmorethanthat I wanttogettoknowher,tobuildsomethingfardeeperthanafastfuck,thenanevenfastergoodbye.Asmuchasmydickwants metotakeheruponherblatant althoughtempting offer,it’sthewrongcall
Inanefforttoslowmythuddingheart,Iholdtheairdeepinmylungsforafewseconds,thenblowitoutsteadily.“Iprefer togettoknowmywomenoutsidethebedroomfirst.”Awhitelie.It’s her Iwanttogettoknowoutsidethebedroomfirst. Shemeetsmygaze,hersoft,hazeleyesboringintomine.Sensual,determined,unapologetic.“Andwhy’sthat?” “Makesthesexhotter.”
“Ithinkit’dbeprettyhot,anyway”Sheupsthepressureonmyleg,herfingerscrawlingdangerouslyclosetomydick Thewayshe’s caressingmemakes mycockthrob.IfIwas interestedinnothingmorethanapassingfling,I’dtell her to meetmeintherestroom,whereI’dfuckherfastandhard,thenpartwayswithacolossalgrinonmyface
“I do like you, but delayed gratificationcanbe explosive whenyoufinallyget betweenthe sheets.” I pickup mybeer. “Whataboutwefinishuphere,gotodinner,andwecangettoknoweachotheralittlebetter?”
Shereturns toour table a few seconds later,her eyebrows perchedlow over her luminous eyes.“Sorry,Ineedtotake a raincheck”Scoopingupherpurseandhercoat,shemutters,“I’llcallyou” Idon’tevengetachancetoaskherifshe’sokaybeforeshe’salreadygone,thedoorslammingclosedbehindher.
BLOOD RUSHES THROUGH MY EARS AS I STOMP DOWN THE STREET, THE MUSCLES IN MY LEGS TREMBLING WITH PURE RAGE. I struggletowrestlemyarmsintomycoatwithoutdroppingmypursewhilemutteringcursesundermybreath Goddammit Ihad him.Ihadhiminthepalmofmyhand.Hewaspracticallysalivating.Anothercoupleofhoursandhe’dhavebeenhalfinlove withme.Givemeaweek,andI’dstealtheotherhalf.
Familiar footsteps pound the sidewalkbehind me, butIdon’tstop, notuntil I’mwell outofsightofthe bar and canbe certainDeclandidn’tfollowme.
Duckinginbetweentwo shop fronts, I whirl around, glaringat the manwho’s supposed to be facilitatingthis plan, yet seemsintentonruiningit.
“Phil!” Iyell, butit’s no good It’s like talkingto a wall Animpenetrable, solid wall Ichange tactic “Whatwere you doingthere,anyway?It’screepy,nottomentioninappropriate.”
“Sitdown,”hebarks,pointingtoatableinthecorner “I’ll getthecoffees”Heholds outhis handfor money Color me surprised.Iopenmypurseandtakeouttendollars,butheglaresatmeandtapshispalmformore.Ipulloutanotherten,andhe snatchesbothbillsoutofmyhandbeforehestridesuptothecounter
Releasingadrawn-outexhale,Iremovemycoatandlayitoverthebackofthechair.MyskinpricklesatPhil’sstiffposture andthewayhekeepsrubbingthebackofhisneckashewaitstoputinhisorder.Iknowthisbodylanguagealltoowell.He’s furious.Fromthisangle,helookstoomuchlikeDad.Shiversnipatthebaseofmyspine,butIrefusetoallowfeartogainthe upperhand.I’mnothappywithmybrother,either,andthistime,Iwon’tholdback.Heneedstoletmehandlethisinmyown way Hecan’tdirectmelikeanactressinamovie Forourplantowork,Ihavetolead
thefuckingcarthatranthemofftheroad.And,yeah,ifIcould,I’dbringthatbastardbackfromthegraveandkillhimallover again.Painfully.ButIcan’t. We can’t.Andthat’swhywehavetogothroughwiththisplan.”
“Youlistentome,” Phil hisses.“Youwill dowhatever ittakes tomake DeclanO’Reillyfall inlove withyou,andonce he’s in so deep he can’t see straight, then we’ll strike You’ll break himemotionally I’ll break himfinancially That was alwaystheplan.That’sstilltheplan,andyouwilldoasIfuckingsay.Understood?”
Inodvigorously anythingtomakehimreleasemebeforehesnapsabone Acruelgrintugsathislips,thenslidesoffhis face.Hiseyesnarrow,andhegivesmeafinal,painfulsqueezebeforehereleasesme.Icradlemyarmclosetomychest.By themorning,I’llhaveanastybruise.Goodthingit’scoldandIcangetawaywithwearinglong-sleevedshirtsandsweatersat work
Mythroatscratches,andmoretearsburnthebacksofmyeyes,thistimebroughtonbysadnessratherthanpain.Iwishthere was another way, butwe’ve spenta decade waitingfor the righttime to strike, and thattime is now DeclanO’Reillywill neverbemorevulnerablethanheisatthismoment.He’sgotmillionsinassets,butit’scold,hardcashthatkeepsbusinesses afloat,andliquidatingassetswhiletheeconomyslidesintorecessionisn’teasy Philassuresmehe’sgotthemoneysideallin hand,andthathe’splanningtherightmomenttostrike.It’sodd,really,thathe’sassumedresponsibilityforthatsideoftheplan. I’mtheonewiththefinancialdegree IfonlyDeclanO’Reillywasgay
Foramoment,Iallowmyselftoimaginethatheisgay,andPhilistheonewhohastosleepwithhim.Betmybrotherwould findanotherwaytoruinDeclanthen.Thethoughtdepressesme,soIpushitasidebeforeithasachancetoburrowinsidemy mind
Twentyminuteslater,Iletmyselfintomyapartmentandheadstraighttothefreezertoremoveabagofice.Isetitonthe counterandduckintothebathroomforafacetowel Idropafewcubesontothetowelandfolditover,pressingthemakeshift icepackto mywrist. Phil reallyhurtme tonight, butIhave to take some responsibility. Ishouldn’thave goaded him. You’d thinkbynow,afterdealingwithtwoabusivemensinceIwasachild,I’dknowthetellstowatchoutfor,anddoeverythingin mypowertoavoidpushingbuttonsthatgetmehurt.
I press myself into the corner of the dark, dank room with Barney my one-eyed, scruffy teddy bear dangling from my hand as I wait for Daddy’s breathing to change into something deeper. His breaths are too shallow, and if he isn’t properly asleep, the tiniest sound might wake him up And then and then
An empty bottle lies beside the sofa. Daddy is drunk again. Drunk Daddy is the meanest of them all. I have to be careful, but I’m so hungry My tummy rumbles, and I press my hands to it in case Daddy hears
I count to a hundred and slowly slither from the dark corner I’ve hidden in. Tiptoeing past him, my tummy rumbles again, but my eyes are on the half-eaten sandwich lying on the carpet Daddy brought home from the bar. He must have
fallen asleep before he could finish it.
I hold my breath and crouch down, reaching for the doughy bread Got it I slowly get to my feet and back up, but I can’t wait to take a bite I chew and swallow It tastes so good I don’t know when I last had something to eat, but I think it was a long time ago. Two days, maybe.
I back farther away, eyes on Daddy the whole time I take another bite My heel hits something hard Daddy’s whiskey bottle. It rolls across the floor and clangs against the hearth.
Daddy springs to his feet For a second, he’s confused, then his eyes, all wild and bloodshot, fall on the sandwich clutched between my fingers.
“What have you got there, Indie?” His words slur
“I-I was hungry, Daddy, and it was just lying there ”
Avein pulses in his forehead. “Is it yours?”
I tuck my chin to my chest and shake my head
“What happens to thieves, Indie?” His voice is low and menacing, and I’m scared.
Terror pushes a fat tear from my eye I shrink back, trying to make myself as small as possible, but it won’t work It never works. Daddy grabs both my arms, and I drop Barney and the sandwich. He shakes me so hard I think my teeth might fall out.
Daddy grinds his foot into the sandwich, crushing the last two bites into the faded carpet
“They get punished.” He raises his hand, and I shrink back.
“Get off her!” Phil races into the living room At eighteen, he’s much bigger than me but still not as big as Daddy It doesn’t matter, though. Phil always tries to protect me. Sometimes he can, and sometimes he can’t, but he always tries. He wraps both his arms around Daddy’s waist and tugs him backward They fall onto the sofa together, a tangle of arms and legs and fury.
Daddy pins Phil beneath him. I press myself against the wall and start to cry, but I don’t make a sound. Things always get worse when I make too much noise
“You want to hurt someone, Dad?” Phil pants beneath Daddy’s much larger body. “You hurt me. Not her. Never her.” Daddy clambers off the sofa and hauls Phil to his feet He slams him up against the wall and presses his forearm against Phil’s throat. Phil keeps his arms loose by his sides. He doesn’t fight back because that only makes Daddy angrier. It’s better to take the punishment and pray it will be over quickly But whether Daddy sees something in Phil’s eyes, or his mind clears for a moment and he remembers who he used to be, he lets him go, hanging his head
“I don’t want to hurt either of you. You’re my children, and I love you. I only want to hurt one man the one who stole everything The one who did this” he gestures around the dark, damp space with peeling paint, and mold climbing up the walls "to me. To us. ”
Phil gingerly touches his neck, his eyes sad and so much older than his eighteen years “I know, Dad. I’ll help. We both will. We’ll do whatever it takes to make Declan O’Reilly pay. ”
AFTER PASSING A BOTTLE OF WATER TO CALLUM, I TAKE A LONG DRINK OF MY OWN AS I SCAN AROUND THE ENORMOUS ROOM thatwillbecomethehubofthehotel It’sabar-loungehangoutthat’sthesignaturegatheringplaceinallmyboutiquehotels,but thisonehasaspecial placeinmyheart.Ever sinceCiaranfiguredoutthereasonIwashellbentonkeepingthisproperty,in spiteofthecolossal,unexpectedmillion-dollarbillthatmeantwehadtosellourhome,I’vefallenmoreandmoreinlovewith theplace
“Itoldhimwe’re all gettingtogether for Thanksgivingandthatit’dbe nice ifhe made the trip.KnowingNate,he won’t replyeitherway.Andifhedoesturnup,he’llbroodtheentiretime,thenheadbacktoCaliforniatheverynextday.”
HisrelationshipwithDadwasmorecomplicated,buthemissedhisstrictinfluenceallthesame.Wealldid.Dadwasthe hubofthe family,the toweringauthorityover all ofus,andeventhougha decade has passed,Imiss himas muchtodayas I everdid
Imeander over to the window, and peer out onto the street. Alight dustingofsnow covers the sidewalks, althoughthe passingtraffic has washed awaywhat little had settled onthe roads It hasn’t snowed inNew YorkinOctober for over a decade,andthattimehadprecededalong,hardwinter.
Igive hima wide-eyed look. “Are youtryingto kill me? I’mstressingenoughaboutdeadlines as itis. IfI’d found this placeacoupleweeksearlier,sure,I’dhavelikedto.”Ishrug.“Can’tdoanythingaboutthatnow.”
“No.Make her feel special.” Callumholds his hands intheair whenIopenmymouthtointerrupt.“Iknow.Nochasing. Well,youknowwhat,bro?Soundslikeyou’llhavetomakeanexceptionforthisone.Ifyouwanttogetlaid,thatis.”
Callumdrainsthebottleofwateranddropsitinthetrash.Heliftshisjacketoffthebackofthedoor,slidinghisarmsinto it “Okay,Igottago Can’tkeeptheladieswaiting”
“Ladies?Asinmorethanone?”
“Yup.”
Ishakemyhead Nothingchangeswiththatone Thenagain,he’sneverbeenshortofoffers Asthefrontdoorslams,IslipmycellfrommypocketandtrycallingNateagain.Thefamiliarvoicemailmessagekicksin oneI’veheardsooftenover theyearsthatIcanreciteitwordfor word Ihangupwithoutleavingamessageandpull up Indie’snumber.MightaswellsetCallum’sadviceintoaction.Nopointinputtingitoffanylonger.
Myfingerhoversoverthecallbuttonforafewseconds.“Oh,fuckit.”MyheartthudswhenIheartheringtone.Afterfive rings, Iexpecther voicemail to kickin, too, as ithas onthe previous occasions I’ve tried to reachher. I’monthe verge of hangingupwhensheanswers.
“Hi,Declan”
Her silky-smoothvoicehas myears singing.God,I’vemissedhow shesounds.Ibarelyknow her,yetIcanalreadyfeel myselffallingunderherspell Itakeaseatonthewindowsillandclosemyeyes,pinchingthebridgeofmynoseasexhaustion setsin.
Ismootha handdownthe frontofmyshirt,andpour a glass ofwater for myself,thenone for Indie.The same Indie whois runningfifteenminuteslate I’vealreadyhadthesympatheticlooksfromseveralservers theannoyingheadtiltandchecking ofwatches. Anyminute now, they’ll askme to move to a table bythe kitchen, or the one squished into a corner nextto the restrooms
Goodlucktothepoor,unfortunatebastardtheysendoverwiththatpieceofnews,becauseI’mnotfuckingmoving. Icheckmycell for thefifthtimeinas manyminutes toseethere’s nothingfromIndie.Nomissedcalls or textmessages. Maybesheonlyacceptedtobepolite ImuseonhowlongIshouldleaveitbeforesendinga“Hopeyou’renotstuckintraffic” text.
Catchinganother glance froma member ofthe waitstaff, Iglare athimuntil he turns away, thenrearrange myface into somethingresemblingnonchalance. Disappointment crushes mychest. Iwas sure she’d show up. Myinstincts rarelylet me down,yetwithIndie,I’mconstantlysecond-guessingeverythoughtandeverywordthatcomesoutofmymouth IfCallumfinds outI’vecrashedandburnedtwiceinarow,he’llbustmyballsaboutitforatleastaweek.Maybeevenamonth.
“Ilosttrackoftime,” she continues “I’mworkingonsomething, and, well ” She brandishes her hand ina dismissive fashion.“I’msureyoudon’twanttohearaboutmyworkissues.Ihalfexpectedyouwouldn’tbehere.” “Itcrossedmymindyou’dstoodmeup.”
Sheshiftsherattentiontothesilverware,flippingtheknifeoveracoupletimes.“I’mnot.”Afewsecondsscrapebybefore her eyes eventually meet mine. “Sorry to be so abrupt but, well…” She eases out a breath. “Our relationship is difficult. Complicated” Shakingher head as thoughto rid herself of bad memories, she beams “So, whendo youthinkyou’ll rival Hilton?”
As weleavetherestaurant,agustofwindknocks Indieoffbalance.Ireachout,catchingher beforeshefalls,andwhenshe doesn’ttrytobackaway,Islide myarmaroundher waist.There’s somethingveryrightabouthow she feels tuckedintomy side,andI’mloathtolethergo,butwhenacabpullsintothecurb,Ihavenooption.Iwaitforhertoclimbinandclosethe door,stridingaroundthereartoenterthroughtheotherside,lettingthenoisefromthestreetfadeasIclosethedoor.
Indie gives the driver her address, butsomethingaboutbeinginsucha confined space makes the earlier jovialitywe’d sharedvanish.Sheswitchesbetweencheckingherphoneandchewingherlip,andwhensheisn’tdoingeitherofthosethings, shestaresoutofthewindow Sensingshewon’twelcometheinterruptionofherthoughts,Ileavehertoitandusethetimeto sendafewemailstomyprojectmanagerontherenovation.
Sheslipsherarmsaroundmywaist,andit’stheonlysignIneed.Ipressmylipstohers,softlyatfirst,butwithinasplit second,Ican’tholdback.Imoveintoherbody,pushingherbackwarduntilshe’spressedupagainstthewallofherapartment building Herbreathingspeedsup,herbreastssquashedagainstmethroughhercoat Aquietmoanechoesinherthroat Holyshit.Thatsound.I’dkilltohearitagain.
I slip my tongue between the seam of her lips She tastes so sweet, so luscious, so goddamn sexy I grow hard and instinctivelycirclemyhips.Whenshetiltsherpelvisandgrindsagainstme,Igrowl.
Itcrossesmymindtoargue,butgiventhatshepushedmeaway,insistingIwalkher righttoher door won’treassureher whenshe’sgivingclearsignalsthatshewantstobealone.
