“Goodmorning,MasterBarnaby,”Jeevessayspolitely “Howareyoufeeling?” Hungover withmorningwood. Not that I’mgoingto saythat ofcourse. Especiallyas it was inappropriate dreams about Jeevesthatcontributedtothemorningwoodsituation.
Isighand take the ibuprofenwithanother swigofcold water Ican’tfire Jeeves As well as beingincrediblyhot, he is incrediblygoodathisjob.Andmydreamsarehardlyhisfault.
ThetimbreofJeeves’svoicedancesovermyskinandmakesmeshiver.Heiscalm,confident,assured,capable.Ishouldbe theonecallinghimmaster,preferablywhilstonmykneesbeforehim.Butnevertheless,hearingthattitleonhislipsdoesthings tome Thingsitshouldn’t Thereissomethingdeeplywrongwithme
Whichleaves me trapped Beinga vessel and findinga husband is tricky Beinganearl and stayingsingle for all eternity seemsghastly.I’marattrappedinamaze,andeveryturnisadeadend.
“Yourbathisready,Master”
Jeeves’s soothingvoice rouses me frommydepressingthoughts. Anice longsoak, followed bymeetingmyuncle’s new lover,soundslikeagoodday.ThenintheeveningIcangetdrunkenoughtoforgeteverything. Itisaflawlessplan
He also seems like a genuinelylovelyperson, so I can’t evengloat over anypersonalityflaws. No wonder myuncle is smittenandcan’ttakehiseyesoffofhim Ican’tfaulthimforthatatall
AtleastIgottheseatingarrangementsright EvenifIdidgetintoacompletetizzyoveritfirst Butitwascomplicated Itis myhouse,butUncleWillisaprince,sogivinghimtheheadofthetablewouldbeappropriate.ButheisnotanEnglishprince, althoughheis older thanme,as well as myuncle.Andheis a mageandI’monlyavessel.I’malsoonlya merelordatthe moment,butverynearlyanearl Butthen,thisisafamilydinner Orisit?UncleWillhasbroughthislover,sodoesthatmakeit afamilydinnerornot?
I’dgivenmyselfa complete headache until Ijustgave upandaskedJeeves He hadsmoothlyassuredme thataninformal dinnerisfineandthereforeIcansitattheheadofthetable.
Hesilentlyrefillsmycup,andIcantastehisdisapproval.Ihateit.IwanthimtotellmeI’magoodboy.Hisgoodboy. The wine pours downmythroat so fast that I nearlygag. I need to get a grip. So what if mybutler is calm, competent, confident?Ishouldnotbelosingmymindoverit.I’mnotateenageranymore.I’magrownman,nearlyofage.Ishouldactlike it IfonlyIknewhowto.
Chapter Three
Another night, another occasionfor feelingthe weight ofJeeves’s silent disapproval as Idrink. But this time, he’s being unreasonable. It’s a partyfor heaven’s sake. AEurovisionslashmytwenty-first birthdayparty. Myguests are drinking. UncleWillandJemaredrinking.ItwouldbeweirdifIwasn’t.
“Slidedownthemainstaircaseonatray!”bellowsRogerwithanaughtygleaminhiseye Iswallow.Okay,thatsounds dangerous,butalsosuper fun.AndRoger seems tolike me.As in, like me, like me. He is a mundaneandcompletelyoblivioustotheworldofmagic,mages,andvessels,sohislikingmecanneverleadtoanything ButI stilldon’twanttoloseit.IwantRogertolikeme.Becausethenatleastsomeonedoes. “Challengeaccepted!”Ideclareproudly.
“Nonsense!”Ihuff “IamBarnabyWithywood-LamontandIneverforfeitaforfeit!” Roger laughsandsuddenlyIreally,trulywanttodothis.Itakeadeepbreathandstartdeterminedlyclimbingthestairs.It seemstotakeforever,butfinallyIreachthetop
No,I’llstareatmytoastinstead.Itisfarsafer.EventhoughIcanstillfeeltheweightofUncleWill’sattention.Itisnearlyas strongasJeeves’s Ihateeverythingaboutthis Itrulydowishthegroundwouldopenupandswallowmewhole Isthismyfuturenow?Itakeabiteofmytoast,butittastesofnothing.Okay,timetotakeadeepbreath.Thereisnoneedto get hysterical Uncle Will and Jemknow, nobodyelse does Everyother time I’mincompany, it will be fine No one else knowsofmyshame.
ExceptforJeeves.Jeevesknowseverything.Andhewillbewithmealways.Asmybutler,andincaseIneedhim. Iswallowdryly Thetoastrefusestogodown Ican’tlivelikethis,Ican’t.Lies,secretsandhiddenshame.Alwaysparanoidthatsomeonewillknow. Well, I was angsting over my future anyway I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be an earl or a vessel, since society makes it impossibletobeboth.Earlsaremanlymen.Confidentleaders.Vesselsaredemureandobedient.IthinkImaybemoresuited tothelatter AndifIhadahusband,therewouldbenoneedtohidethefactIhavebeentapped Therewouldbenoneedtobe emptiedbymybutler.
AllIneedtodoistricksomepoormageintomarryingme,andfoolhimintothinkingIamavirginuntilafterourwedding night Thenallmyproblemswillbesolved Itisquitesimple,really Thisdisastercouldbeablessingindisguise.Ithascuredmeofmyditheringandsetmyfeetfirmlyonthepathofembracing lifeasavessel Thefateshavedecidedforme It’sfine.It’sallfine.
Ipickupmyteaandgulpitdown
Sunlight is streaming in through the large windows. It is going to be a lovely day. Hot and sunny. The best of summer. Entirelycontradictorytomymood.Ifmyemotionscontrolledtheweather,itwouldbedarkandstormy.Rainlashinguponthe glassandanominousrumbleofthunderinthedistance Gods,I’mbeingdramatictoday.
Jemhurriesintotheroom ThesmilehegivesWillisdazzling Myheartclenches Iverymuchdoubtmyfuturehusbandwill ever look at me that way, which means no one ever will. Getting married solves a whole host of problems, but not my lonelinessones.Earlsdon’tmarryforlove,notevenearlswhoarealsovessels.ThebestIcanhopeforissomeonetolerable. Tolerableandpleasant.Loveissofaroutoftheequation,itmayaswellnotexistatall.Loveisforothers,notforme. I’mnotaprincewhogetstotakeloversontheside.Jealousymakesmyteatastebitter,butIcan’thelpit.I’monlyhuman.
Ohgosh Jemisdisgraced Probablyforastupidmistakesimilartomyown,yethedoesn’thaveabutlerwithdarkmagicto cover uphis fuck-up.Unlike me,Jemhas toface the consequences ofhis actions.Andhere he is,beinglovelytome.He is clearlya muchbetter personthanI will ever be It is yet another humiliation More proof that I amsimplya disaster of a human.
Everyone stares at me Myattempt to change the topic of conversationhas certainlyworked Behind me, I sense Jeeves stiffening.Ihave noidea whathe is thinking,buthis reactionis intense.Well,intense for him.Idoubtanyone else has even noticedthathehasmoved.
“Areyousurethatiswhatyouwant?”asksWill I nod. “It seems like the most sensible course of action. I’d be grateful if youcould let it be knownthat I’mopento be courted”
The sunis still shiningandmymoodis still darker thanthe abyss.I’mtrailingaroundafter the surveyor whowas booked monthsago.HeistellingmealltheverymanywaystheEastWingisfallingdown.
“Aretherecraftsmenavailablewhoknowhowtoreplacethesetypesofbeams?”Jeevesasksthesurveyor Themiddle-agedman’sblue,bespectacledeyesflicktomeforamoment,beforeturningtoJeevesandlatchingontohimas the one whois payingattentionandhas sensible questions As he launches intoanexplanationofhow houses have notbeen constructedthewayRocesterHallwas,forthreehundredyears,Iwanderawaytolookupatoneofthegrandwindows.
Myfinances are healthy, butI’mnotsure theyare healthyenoughfor all ofthis Notall atonce Iwill probablyhave to choosethemostessentialrepairstofocusonfirst,whichmeanstheotherswillgetmoreexpensiveastheyfallmoreintoruin. Soitmightmakemoresensetoemptythebankbalance,anddoeverythingatonceafterall.
Icanfeelaheadachecomingon Wearily,IturnbacktofaceJeevesandthesurveyor Theyaredeepinconversation Which gives me the rare opportunityofbeingable to stare atmybutler appreciatively. He is a damngood lookingman. Tall, well built,yetslender Perfect,obsidiandarkhair Thickandshinyandstyledinsomesortofchoppycut Hiswarmskintoneand theshapeofhiseyeshintatsomeAsianancestry,butIdon’tknowifthatistrue.Istronglysuspectheisnotentirelyhuman,so itcouldbeparanormalgenesgivinghimhislooks
WillIgettolookintohiseyes?No,thatisfartoointimate.Hewillbehelpingme,notmakinglove.Hewillprobablywant me bent over A shiver races through my body, leaving goose pimples in its wake I have no idea if it is trepidation or anticipation.
Thesurveyorstartstalkingatmeaboutgutteringanddownpipes Itisastruggletokeepaninterestedsmileonmyface He startswalkingtowardsthedoor,andafloorboardsagsunderneathhim.Hestopsmid-sentence,andstartsstompingandjumping onthefloorinvariousspots.
It’s beenthree days since myindiscretion, and while IdoubtI’ll ever be happyaboutit, Idon’tthinkI’mso hysterically distraughtthatIamgivingmyselfaheadache
UncleWillwalksinandtakesaseatoppositeme.Guiltfloodsthroughme.HowcouldIhaveforgottenthefranticphonecall Ireceived lastnight? Colby, Jem’s brother-in-law, called me to saythatJemhad beensentbythe council to be emptied by someoneelse
“PerhapsMastershouldreturntohisbedchamber,”suggestsJeeves Ashudderwracksmybodysohardthatmyteethclatter.No.Itcan’tbe.Surelyitistoosoon?It’sonlybeenthreedays. Butthe droningwords ofmyboringold trainer startto replayinmymind “Whena vessel is firsttapped, their magic is erratic.Iteventuallysettlesdowntoapredictablerhythm,withsevendaysbeingthemostcommon,butuntil then,one’snew husbandmuststaycloseby.Itiswhyhoneymoonsexist.”
Oh,mygods Is Jeeves correct? AmIripe? Is this whatitfeels like? Is mymagic brimming? Demandingfreedom? Is sex withamagetheonlythingthatcanmakemefeelbetter?
Icouldblameitallonthemagic,butthatwouldbeyetanotherlie.Mymagicisscreamingforthis,butIwantittoo.Iwant mybutler IwantJeeves Another secretto bear Jeeves is beingwonderful and savingme frommyownstupid mess He is goingfaraboveandbeyondhisduty.Hewouldlikelybehorrifiedifheknewhowpervertedlypleasedpartofmeisaboutall ofthis Thepoormandeservesfarbetterthanmyinappropriatelust Heisnotmygigolo
Onehandtouchesmyhip,hotterthanabrand.It’sburningintome.Consumingme.Iwantthattoucheverywhere,butthisis allI’mgoingtoget.Ifeellikeamanlostinthedesert,catchingasingledropofmoistureonhistongue.Ineedmore,somuch more
Somethinghotandbluntispushingatmyhole,demandingentry.Oh,mygods.Itreallyishappening.I’mabouttobefilled, andthis timeIamgoingtoremember it Probablyfor all eternity For everysinglelifeIamreincarnatedto,Iwill dreamof this.
Icandothis.Iamavessel.ItiswhatIwasbornfor.Myverypurposeistosurrendermymagicandmybodytoamage. He slides insome more Panic ignites IwishIhadcheckedhow bighe was before Iagreedtothis plan I’mgoingtobe impaled.Itistoomuch.Itisnevergoingtofit.
Ahelpless groantries to escape around mybrace, butIdon’tletit. I’msweating. I’ve never feltso full, so stretched. So complete Thisfeelsincredible ItisnothinglikethedildosIpracticedwith Jeevesissohotandheavyinsideme Heisfilling metobreakingpoint.Thereisnoroomforanythingelse,inmybody,mindorsoul.ThereisonlyJeeves.
Thefriction,thepressure,thefeelingoffullness,itisalldivine.Inmywildestdreams,Ineverknewitcouldfeellikethis.I finallyunderstandwhypeopleareobsessedwithsex IthinkIamgoingtobenow Mynewaddiction Thrust,andthrust.I’msoaringnow.Pleasureisfloodingmymind.Everyinchofmyskinfeelsalive.Itisoverwhelming.I wanttoweep,butallIcandoistakeit.IcanonlyliehereasJeevesdrivesmefurther,andfurtherintobliss. Astrangeheatisgrowinglowanddeepwithinme Itfeelstightandheavy Magic?Orgasm?Both?Idonotknow Whatever it is, it is building, and building. It is making me squirmand writhe. Jeeves is keeping his steady pace. The pressuregrows,andgrows Itisspreadingoutalongmyeverynerveending Consumingeverysinglemoleculeofmybeing Ierupt.Thereisnootherwordforit.Allmypleasure,desire,andjoy,poursoutofme.Mymagicjoinsit.Mysoulisonfire. Iamincandescent.Iblazeingloryforlong,agonizingminutes.AndthenIamspent. NowIamemptyandhollow.WheezingaloneasIliehere,bentovermybed.Dizzinessswirlsthroughme.I’mshaking.The intensityIjustexperiencedhasleftmeshattered.Ican’tthink,can’tfocus.
AfterJeevesleftme,Istaggeredtotheshower,andthenputoncleannightclothes.I’vestoppedcryingnowandI’veflipped thepillowover,sothetear-soakedlinenisontheotherside Sothat’ssomething I’venotbeencompletelyuseless.Icanfunctionalittlebit.Theremightbehopeformeyet.Thoughitdoesn’tfeellikeit. Ireallyneedtopullmyselftogether.Thisismylifenow.Foraslongasittakestotricksomeoneintomarryingme. Idon’tknow whyIambeingsucha babyaboutit Iagreed to this plan Itis a good plan Wantingkisses and cuddles is beyondridiculous.Thereactionofaspoiledidiot.Jeeveshasagreedtohelpme,notpampertomyeveryneedywhim. Ishouldn’tneedpampering Itwasn’tmyfirsttime,eventhoughitverymuchfeelsasifitwas IsitbecauseIwasverydrunk withRoger?OrisitbecauseRogerisRogerandJeevesisJeeves?IguessI’llneverknow.
Awave ofdisorientatingnausea washes over me Iswallow Ihope he has some spell wovenover himselfthathides this fromeveryoneelse,otherwiseourrusethatIamstillavirginvesselisgoingtofoolnoone.
Thedesiretocrawl further under thecoversandhidefrommyhumiliationisstrong Asistheurgetoflingmyselfintohis arms.Whatiswrongwithme?WhyamIsuchamess?
Is all that nonsense about vessels being overly emotional and prone to hysteria true? I always dismissed it before, but perhapsthisiswhathappenstovesselsoncewearetapped.Wefallapart. TheurgetojumpintoJeeves’sarmsintensifies.Somuchso,thatmybodystartstomovetowardshim. Okay,justtakeadeepbreath.Calmdown.Throwingmyselfathimwillonlyresultinhimpolitely,yetfirmly,settingmeback onthebed.Regardlessofwhateverhisfeelingsmaybe.Evenifhedoesn’thateme,orbysomemiracleisnotdisgustedbyme,
Asifmyentireworldhasnotbeenflippedinsideoutandupsidedown Mythoughtsarescrambled.Myentirebeingisscattered.Myheartfeelsasifitisbreaking.Iamutterlylost.I’mdriftingona darkseawithnolightandnocompass.Idon’tknowwhatIwasexpectinghimtosay,butitwasnotthat.Anythingbutthat. After all the kind words he spoke to me duringthe deed, canhe reallygo backto beingso cold? So distantand formal? Surelynot?Itseemsimpossible.Whywouldhedothistome?
“Inmyrooms,please,” a small voice squeaks.Ithinkitis mine.Ihave noidea how Irememberedhow totalk.Or how I recalledthatheisaskingmeaboutlunch.
“Verywell,”hesayssmoothly “Mrs Henburyisreadytomeetwithyouafterlunchtogothroughtheaccounts” Thehousekeeper.Ihaveameetingwiththehousekeeper.Okay,Iunderstand.Jeevesiscertainlygivingmethemessageloud andclear I’mexpectedtostopwallowingandcarryonasnormal And Iamsupposed to pretend thatnothinghappened. Evenwhenwe are alone together. He doesn’twantme to make this weird.Hedoesn’twantanythingtochangebetweenus.Hewishestomerelybemybutler.Withsomesecretextradutiesthat weneverdiscuss.
A drastic change in behavior will stand out and draw attention to myself. And never mind the squirm-inducing uncomfortablenessofthat,howgoodisJeeves’sspell?Canitwithstandthescrutinyofawholeballroomfullofmages? UncleWillandJeevesbothlookatmeasIwriggleinmyseat,butafootmanopensthedoorbeforetheyhaveachancetosay anything.
Iscrambleoutofthecar,straightenup,andsmoothmysuitdown Thefootmanleadstheway,andIfollow blindly Great, justgreat.Istilldon’tknowhowtopresent.I’mbacktobeinganawkwardmess. Okay,breathe I’mheretotrytoattractinterest Iwantmagestolookatmeandseepotentialmarriagematerial Butthelast time I attended an event, I thought being an earl was my future. I’d gotten too drunk, overcompensated, and been a brash, obnoxiousgit
Istepforwardformyturn,andnobodypaysmetheslightestbitofattention.AlleyesarestillonWillandheisswarmedby people wishingtospeaktohim.Igraba flute ofchampagne fromthe server waitingbythe entrance,thenIslinkpastWill’s crowdandsearchforaquietcorner.
Myeyesaredesperatetosearchfor Jeeves,butIneedtoresist.Hemightnotevenbeintheballroom.Surroundedbythis manypeople, Ican’tsense him. He mayhave discreetlyprowled offto the servants’quarters and will hide there unless my magicgoescrazy
Igulpdownthechampagnesofastthatthebubblesburnmynose.Please,please,anygodsthatarelistening,pleasedonotlet me become ripe tonight Thatwould be awful I’d have to find anemptyroomwithJeeves damn!Whyis this collar so tight?Icanbarelybreathe.
“Verywell,thankyou Irecentlygraduatedfromuniversity,andIamlookingforwardtomyweddinginthewinter” Oh. Have I been invited? Did I decline? I don’t remember. Old Blood weddings are traditionally small and discreet. It wouldnotbesurprisingifIhadn’tmadethelist Havetheinvitesevenbeensentoutyet?Gosh WhatthehelldoIsay? “Thatsoundslovely,”Iramble.
Oh gosh, I think I know why he has grown it! There was a rumor going around that Count Felford was caught with his gardener,andthesalaciousdetailsincludedthathewaspullingthegardener’shair.
Ohno,whyamIthinkingaboutthis?Ishouldn’tbethinkingaboutthis.Ineedtobethinkingaboutanythingelse. “Isyourfiancéhere?”Iask,forwantofanythingbettertosay Andforgods’sake,itisnotexactlyachangeoftopic What thehelliswrongwithme?
Sympathyand dread coil together, low inmygut. Ifsomeone as perfect and beautiful and as willingto please as Lucien Mallorygetsignoredbyhisbetrothed,whatearthlyhopeisthereforme?
“Atleastyouhaveabetrothed,”Isnipe. Heliftsaneyebrowatme “Didn’tknowyouwerelooking?” IfeelmyselfflushandIcan’tthinkofadamnthingtosay. “PerhapsIshouldcallitoffwithMalloryandofferforyouinstead?” Mymusclestenseandmyfistsclench.“Thoughtyoudidn’twanttogetmarried,”Isnapthroughgrindingteeth. Heshrugs.“You’renotlikeothervessels.”Hepopsanothereggintohismouth. MystomachclenchesasifIhavebeenpunched.Idespisebeingteased,buthislastcommentisworse.Hemeanswell,itwas supposedtobeacompliment.Butithighlightsallmyfailings.Itmakesitclearhoweveryoneseesme,andIhighlydoubtmost people will view it as a positive Drew is probably the only one who sees it that way, and he is my cousin and already engaged.
Hejustrollshiseyesandcontinueseating.Hecanbesuchanasshole.Butheisonlystatingfacts.Engagementsareusually arrangedwhenavesselisyoung,withthemarriagetakingplaceontheireighteenthbirthday Drew’sployofbuyingmoretime, bydeclaringthathe wishes for Luciento finishhis educationfirst, has fooled absolutelynobody. Everybodyknows thathe doesn’treallywanthim.
Justasnobody,absolutelynobody,isgoingtowantme
To think, thatIstarted the summer, believingIwas goingto need Uncle Will’s help to fend offsuitors, is laughable now. Laughable,cringeworthy,andembarrassing I’mdoomed.Completelyandutterlydoomed.
Ipull the bedcovers up to mywaistand trynotto fiddle withthem. Where is Jeeves? He always comes inonce I’ve got readyforbedandasksifIneedanything Ishethatdisappointedwithme?Isheavoidingme? Iaggressivelyplump mypillows, butIdon’tlie down. I’mjustsittinghere inbed, withthe bedside lamp on. Waitingfor Jeeves.AsifI’machildthatneedstobetuckedupatnight.
Longminutes tickby Myfingers twist and untwist inmycovers The shadows inthe corners of myroomseemto grow darker.
After whatfeels like all ofeternityhas passed,the bedchamber door finallyopens,andIblinkawaytears ofrelief He is here. He hasn’tabandoned me. Everythingis as itshould be. Jeeves looks like his normal stoic self, withnota hair outof place
What the ? It felt awful enough leaving Jemhere, but what choice did we have? He is disgraced and not welcome anywhere.Andnowthis?Hewasn’tevensafeasaguestinmyhouse.
Rage flows throughme White hotand potent Uncle Will is a prince, so itis notsurprisingifhe has enemies, and plots againsthim.Oritcouldbehisparents,unhappythatheisspendingtimewithadisgracedvessel.Eitherway,itisaviolation.
