The Mistake Every Parent Makes, No Matter How Old the Child
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Do you think happiness is over rated? From popular notions to mass media, we are flooded with a yearning to be happy and full of joy. From giant posters to Instagram, fairy tales that end happily ever after to icons and personalities that inspire us- happiness is a cultural norm. To be happy is the seen as the ultimate goal, underlying all our endeavors, struggles and intentions, and emerging as the index of a fruitful life. But maybe this is exactly why it eludes us just as much. Happiness is one of a broad spectrum of feelings and emotions that we experience and encounter through our days. But in our yearning for feel good factors and pleasure, we choose to ignore and bury away the remainder of our feelings. No, I am not suggesting we should want to feel sad or dejected or fearful; but ignoring these in favor for another feeling does not make these feelings go away. I love to laugh and feel good; I pride myself on the smile I carry around with me. But at the same time I also find that the true test of my maturity and prowess as an individual is revealed in how I deal with the harder and trickier feelings- sadness, jealousy, anger, fear or even hatred. But in order to master these feelings, I must first allow myself to feel and confront them. As parents though we tend to protect our children from these difficult sensations; we instead like to divert their attention to the brighter and rosier shades of life. It is here that we make a grave error- one that is often passed down from one generation to another, year after year.
In our scampering for happiness, we teach our children to do the same. We teach them to yearn for happiness just as much as we do, when as responsible parents we should be teaching them to process their emotions- all their emotions, no matter how pleasant or unpleasant. In trying to keep our children in a constant state of happiness and positivity, we forget and even fail to teach them to master their feelings- especially the unpleasant ones. We miss out on teaching them how to respond to these and how to rein them in, often because we ourselves do not have a clue! It is never easy to see our child weep or struggle under the weight of heavy feelings. But stifling emotion is never a good idea, no matter how unpleasant the emotion; especially when it is unpleasant. Infact burying these away will only guarantee they rear their ugly heads again later on life. As parents we need to empower our children with strategies that enable them to face and feel their way through experiences and challenges; we must show them how to move beyond a feeling, no matter how difficult or overwhelming, and offer them the space to do so in their own time and pace. Remember that feelings are temporary and move through much faster when we do not resist or block these. The next time your child is sad or confused or angry, sit down with them and discuss their state of heart and mind. Honor the feeling for the insight and lessons it holds and you shall find it dissipate a lot faster. In preparing your child for the life ahead, help him / her take command of their emotional landscape- one feeling at a time.