THF,
MONDAY. FEBRUARY 9. 2004 I
COMMENTARIES
CHRONICLE
15
Little bags filled with flour The future of the Crazies
There
UNC” shirts, I doubt that many would be happy if the ACC adopted the current Big Ten rule that bans student sections from engaging in chants against individual players. As Cameron Crazies, we now face a crossroads. On one hand, many are calling on us to distinguish ourselves from Maryland-style fans and “win with class.” On the other, some complain that we’ve lost our edge and come to rely on borchants like “SHEL-DEN serve as ing huge games will WILL-lAMS” for fear of being tests for the Blue Devils Nathan Carleton deemed offensive. Now, it’s Thi§ year, they’ll also Peelin' Froggish? Leap time to choose. serve as huge tests for all Crazies, The upcoming Maryland of us Cameron and UNC games will go a long way in deterwho will be under extra scrutiny this year. As I write this, Maryland Assistant Attormining Cameron Crazie future, as they repney General John Anderson is conducting resent the first in a long series of encounan investigation of First Amendment case ters between us and two of our biggest law at the request ofUM officials. His task is potential targets. On Feb. 22, we meet DJ. Strawberry. On March 6, we see Roy to determine if Comcast Center security is legally permitted to eject Maryland fans Williams. Strawberry and Williams practically write who wear “@#s% Duke” shirts or particitheir F-Bomb laden chants. own cheers. Strawberry, Maryland’s pate in Clearly, none of us would ever want the freshman shooting guard, goes by the name Cameron Crazies to mirror the obscene “DJ.” in order to distance himself from his bunch that attend Terrapin games. That father. I’m sure I’m not the only one who said, we are not the best-known fans in the heard of his college plans and instantly country simply because we cheer for our thought about welcoming him to Durham with flour-filled plastic baggies and the team loudly. “DAR-RYL” chant. Like it or not, the Cameron Crazies are faAs far as Williams goes, he almost took mous because they have for decades behaved the Carolina job in 2000, but turned it described, a manner that can be in depending on who you ask, as eithervery obnoxious down at an emotional rally for the Kansas or very mean (if you don’t know the history fans who had lined the streets ofLawrence here, look up the names “Herman Veal” and with signs and banners begging him to “Steve Hale”). Although we may not have to stay. Then, after tearfully telling Bonnie A worry about our classmates wearing “@#s% Bernstein that he didn’t “give a &*! have been some big games played in Cameron Indoor Stadium this season, but in less than two weeks our topranked Men’s Basketball team will host Maryland for the biggest one yet. Then, just 13 days later, our real rival will come to town for a rematch of Thursday’s instant classic As usual, the Maryland and UNC home
about Carolina” during a postgame interview, he accepted the once-again offered UNC job, leading injured Jayhawk Wayne Simeon to angrily but truthfully say “I gave my right arm for that man.” We might not be able to chant “D’OH!” at UNC games anymore, but “TRAITOR” and “Benedict Williams” might suffice. We also now have the perfect.opportunity to perform the best cheer in college sports: “Rock Chalk
ing if a freshman like Strawberry could remain oblivious to personal taunts. Williams,
break than Gary Williams, who dropped an F-Bomb at us after hearing the “Sweat, Gary, Sweat” and “GA-RY” chants last year. So what’s it going to be? Should we attack our opponents as viciously as we can without crossing the line into blatant obscenity? Or should we focus only on our team and lay off people like Strawberry and Williams who have done nothing to us and seem like pretty decent guys? We’ll find out soon, but consider this footnote: as intense as the game may be, the “DAR-RYL” chant is one that needs to be done very very SLOWLY Do not start it quickly and do not speed it up as you go along. Just a slow, elongated “DAR-RYL.” Every time he touches the ball.
of course, is an extremely emotional man whose heart looks like it could still be in Lawrence. He’d definitely be easier to
Nathan Carleton is a Trinity junior. His column appears every other Monday.
Jayhawk.” Targeting Strawberry and Williams could be more than entertaining. It might be effective. Opposing players frequently admit that we get to them, and it would be shock-
RAMONA thinks John Edwards is an SAE
Duke
Columnists for The Chronicle can be divided into is torn, as a university, between two forces: the drive for academic success and the comtwo categories; the intellectuals and the have-a-lot-ofpulsion to be a good-times party school. These sex-uals. [lt bears noting that, in the real world, these forces are constantly wrestling with one another, attwo groups are not mutually exclusive. Paris Hilton is to control of the to working on her second Ph.D, and Howard Zinn has school, appearing tempting gain all the world like two toddlers fighting over a toy, a slept with every Playmate since July of ‘77.] Neither group is perfect. The former can often seem like piece of candy, or a nationally renowned research university. These battling forces each claim certain small shrill and self-righteous apple-shiners trying desperately to impress some non-existent victories. For example, if you squint teacher. The latter’s contributions to on a the your eyes campus foggy day, looks a bit like Princeton. But, if you the intellectual discourse has degenerated to the point where it has beclose your eyes on a Friday night, the come an open letter to the Duke comcampus smells a bit like Joe Namath’s bathroom floor. munity asking whoever ended up with The forum for this battle for the very their panties Friday night to return them ASAP, as they cost more than soul of Duke University is varied. It is a RAMONA QUIMBYS car. batde waged in the bed of every sleepy RAMONA QUIMBY like children student for whom last night’s Keystones JJamona Quimby Afffc 38 6 of divorce everywhere, believes this this morning’s econometrics. preempt Monday, Monday It is a batde waged in the back of every problem can be talked out. To use a classroom, as students decide whether metaphor favored by one type of columnist, RAMONA QUIMBY wants to pay attendon or to drink illegal moonshine from an unmarked ceramic jug. It is a batde to be the friend who convinces an estranged couple to waged in RDU, as students decide whether that most kiss and make up. To use imagery favored by other painful and intimate of “carry-on” spaces is better used columnists, RAMONA QUIMBY wants to be like the for a copy ofThe Fountainhead or for a balloon full of United States in the Middle East, a red-nosed good ol’ powder they were asked by a pockmarked stranger to boy clapping a Powerpuff Girls Band-Aid on a wound too deep to ever be healed. The goal of this column is bring as far as Baldmore. But more often than not, the battle is waged right to suggest middle ways, collaborative efforts wherein here, in the editorial pages of one of the nation’s the Duke community can become better-versed in imleast-awful student newspapers. You could be jotting portant world issues without giving up on their notes in the margins of this column for your upcorndreams of salacious reading material. First of all, the first few weeks of every columnist’s ing monograph on the impact of Frantz Fanon’s postcolonial thought on a modern reading of Yeats’ dratenure need to be devoted to enhancing the basic matic works. [Boring!] You could be using this paper knowledge of the readership. Before telling us about the “toilet ratio,” make sure we know what a ratio is. to sop up the bodily fluids left over from last night’s bacchanalian orgy involving seven of your best guy For that- matter, a toilet. Before teaching us about friends, four of your best girl friends, three waitresses “date function earning potential,” teach us what earnfrom Applebee’s, and a prominent member of the ing potential is. Before explaining how Duke’s social Durham City Council. [Gross!] It doesn’t matter. The life is like a pinecone with skin cancer, make sure know we to how order in put simple a sentence. These battle for Duke is being fought here.
columnists need to take as their teaching example the insanely pedantic and condescending first few pages of any social science textbook, excerpted here; “You may not think you know about economics, but if you’ve ever bought a slice of pizza, sold a raffle ticket or traded your Handi-Snacks for a launchable, you are already a budding economist! (You can probably get a teaching position at Emory.)” This firm base of knowledge will help readers later in the semester, when basic economic, physical and biological knowledge will then be applied to help you trick your man into remembering your birthday. Or something. The other thing that will help columnists is crosspollination. Let the problems of the Duke social scene inform the problems of the world, and vice versa. Here’s an example; “The Democratic Presidential nomination seems sewn up by John Kerry (basically a Deke), who has a sizable lead over such competitors as John Edwards (SAE), Joe Liebermann (AEPi) and Wesley Clark (KA), as well as fringe candidates Carol Mosely Braun (Mirecourt) and Denis Kucinich (SigEp, until he deactivated following an embarrassing speech at the semi-formal his junior year).” This could also be applied to columns about Duke life. “When your man starts occupying your time like your name was Tibet, it’s time to brush him off like De Gaulle at Yalta.” The soul of Duke University is up for grabs. The Chronicle wants to do more in this fight than simply be a bunch of half-finished crosswords and barelycomprehensihle Doonesburys at the bottom of the birdcage that is Duke’s intellectual discourse. By implementing these suggestions, the most strident of cause-heads and the most vacuous of sex-advice columnists can be made to work together towards a common goal: the betterment of dating in war-torn areas of the world. ,
RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38 is a charter member of the “A Capella Out ofDuke” movement.