Keeping Sane While Living with Another Attorney

BY JAMES BELL, ESQ. AND ELIZABETH GEMMELL, ESQ.

SO, I MARRIED A LITIGATOR.

In an adversary situation, there is always a winner and loser. Clients hire us to provide zealous representation, and trust that we will provide the best results possible. Often we need to put ourselves in the way of heated situations to protect our clients. The practice of law is stressful.

In court I already had to spend time working out settlements for clients, putting on my war paint to go to trial, managing clients, trying to help clients settle their emotions so they can provide helpful testimony in their cases, and taking on their emotional response to what happened in court. I wrap up my day in court and head home to spend time with my wife. That is generally the time that I am already emotionally drained. My brain has already been working from the position of a lawyer; either find something that works for everyone or prepare for a winner takes all trial.

My wife deals with the same issues and stress. We are two lawyers that married each other and deal with the stress that comes with being married to another lawyer. The past 11 years of our relationship has had ups and downs. The career

For me, the first step I had to take was learning that "lawyer" me and who I am after I clock out do not need to be the same person. I do not need to use my trial skills on my wife. They are called trial skills, and not husband skills.

choice has led to different ways in which we need to approach each other to actually make the relationship work. At the start of our relationship, I struggled to understand the difference between negotiating a settlement for a case and deciding what to have for dinner. I would gather as much information as possible on the issue, figure out what asymmetry there was in access to said information, and would use the negotiating skills I had learned. I would avoid making the first offer, I would try to hide my true objective, try to lead her to the outcome that I desired, and work to find middle ground when possible. I would not simply say that I want tacos, but lead her into suggesting tacos. If I dared said I wanted tacos, I would reveal my hand and lose the edge in gathering of information. I would deflect the question onto her, "what would you like for dinner?" or slowly lead her towards what I want without overplaying my hand, "What about something we can eat with our hands to avoid dishes?" Try to make her subconsciously choose tacos by moving the salsa to front and center of the fridge or moving the taco seasoning to the front of the pantry. All of the things that we do for our clients; we are just participating in the dance that is negotiations, but to your partner in life, it is building a wall.

I eventually shifted to a more adversarial style. We would actually present what we wanted to the other and why. Provide evidence as to why tacos were the right choice for dinner tonight. The trial would get heated, but the tacos would not. The dinner decision eventually became stressful. Making dinner, cleaning up after dinner, those are chores. Choosing what to have for dinner is not a chore; it is a decision we need to learn to make as a team.

For me, the first step I had to take was learning that "lawyer" me and who I am after I clock out do not need to be the same person. I do not need to use my trial skills on my wife. They are called trial skills, and not husband skills. I needed to learn husband skills. Deciding dinner is a collaboration, not a trial or even a negotiation.

Today, we actually worked together on choosing what we were going to do for dinners this week. I got my tacos. All I needed to do was clearly ask for what I wanted. She asked for what she wanted and will get it later this week. We made decisions as a team. Stress comes with the profession. The way I have learned to be married to another lawyer is not to treat her as another lawyer. She is not opposing counsel, she is my loving wife.

Being married to a lawyer is not always easy. We went to law school where they famously taught us to "think like a lawyer."

Most of us took at least a class on how to negotiate. We have a unique skill set that we have built up over our careers, but turning those things off, and just living with my wife is my joy.