PARENTS CORNER Article by: Narelle Smith (Family Worker) NepeanStudent-Wellbeing Worker – Mulgoa Public School Nepean Community & Neighbourhood Services Ph: 0409 986 121 Centre: 4721 8520 Blog: http://handsheartsminds.wordpress.com After many years working with kids, and having three of my own, I am firmly of the belief that parents talk too much. There’s too much questioning, nagging, lecturing, telling them what/how/ when/where/why, taking over, yelling, and yakkity-yak. Too much noise. When my kids come home from school, I ask “how was school”. I never expect any answer other than “good”. And I leave it at that, I rarely ask any more questions. Just asking the question opens up the possibility of communication. I know that each of them will come to me throughout the evening to tell me about their day. They do that when they are in the right space and frame of mind to talk, when they have sifted through all of the information and interactions they have experienced. And when they come to me, I LISTEN. I tend not to ask many questions, but I do a lot of reflective listening – repeating what they have said to me, reflecting on their emotions, being present, being silent and holding that space between their inner and outer worlds. I do the same with the children I work with. Reflective listening enables the child and I to get to the heart of what is bothering the child with very little effort. Everyone likes to be heard and have their thoughts and feelings validated. Parents are surprised when I tell them that I rarely offer solutions to children for their problems. I work alongside rather than stand over the top of. Kids are smart. Through reflective listening, children often get to the solution themselves, and because they have come up with it, they are committed to it. Dr Beth Onufrak in the USA has written a wonderful article on her blog “A Child in Mind” (wordpress). Titled “What’s wrong with the Wh questions?” she explains that questions shut a child down very quickly. Dr Onufrak says that “Wh” questions can be unhelpful because they: 1. Shut down a child’s own narration and conception of the problem 2. Block a child’s sharing of the salient details to him 3. Pigeonhole a child’s thinking into your categories of thought 4. Build a child’s frustration with us adults 5. Make a child more upset from the communication gap She advises that a better alternative is to say to the child “Tell me all about it”. I was talking with a parent recently. She said that her child comes to her to ask for help with a task, but when she tries to help her, the child storms off in a rage. The well-meaning parent then runs after the child asking her lots of “wh” questions to try to get to the bottom of the problem. The child becomes more resentful, and nothing gets resolved. I said that it sounded like there was a disconnect there somewhere, a gap between what the child wanted and what the parents saw as the child’s needs. I suggested that “I messages” are pretty good at sorting out misunderstandings. I wondered how the child might respond if the parent went to the child when she was calm and said something like “I don’t understand it when you ask me to help you with something, and I try to show you what to do, you then get upset and storm off. I would really like to know what I can do better next time, so we can work it out together”. “I messages” communicate how you feel about something without placing blame on anyone. Making time to ‘be with’ our kids, spending time, showing affection, being present, being available, being responsive and reflective, being alongside, and listening, truly listening, to our kids. When we do this , our kids return the effort in spades through being amazingly competent and communicative young ones.
SCHOOL HOLIDAY WORKSHOPS 24 June to 18 July at Penrith (Includes Public & Independent School Holidays) Using LEGO ®, MINDSTORMS ®, and WeDo™ Robotics Full Day (6.5 hours): Half Day (3 hours): from $79 to $99 from $29 to $39 Build & Create Yr 2-6 Robots & Machines Yr 3-6 Yr 5-8 Junior Robots Yr 2-4 Robotics 101 Advanced Robotics Yr 5-8 Senior Robotics Yr 9-12 Robotics Unlimited Yr 7-12
Come and See our Display at Glenmore Park Town Centre on Saturday 14 June For more information and to book online go to:
www.sttimothyscollege.org Workshops are provided by: St Timothy’s College Inc. ABN 67 933 716 966 LEGO®, MINDSTORMS®, and WeDo™, are trademarks of the LEGO Group of companies, which does not sponsor, authorize or endorse these workshops.
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