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WHEN SOMEONE
TO YOUR CHILD DIES
SAMANTHA GARNER, MENTAL HEALTH AND SPECIAL EDUCATIONAL NEEDS (SEN) SPECIALIST, DISCUSSES HOW TO HELP A CHILD WITH ADDITIONAL NEEDS THROUGH THE PROCESS OF GRIEF.
W
hen someone important to us dies, we are bereaved. The process we go through getting over the bereavement is called grief. Grief is basically adjusting to the loss, a process whereby we become more accustomed to that person not being there. Unfortunately, there is no way of avoiding that process, it can be delayed but it cannot be avoided. We have to go through the process. There are models that talk about the five or seven stages of grief; however, they’re not set in stone and each person’s grief is different.
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So how can we help someone go through the process? In particular if it is our child, and/or someone who struggles with understanding and/or communication because of a complex disability. The first thing we must recognise is that we cannot stop the grief process happening. It has to happen, it’s part of life. That’s really hard because we want to protect those close to us from as much pain as possible. But we can’t. What we can do is go through the process with them and support them to acknowledge and talk about their feelings.
We also have to be honest about death. This is hard as very often we will use euphemisms around death in the hope that it won’t be as hurtful. ‘Oh, they’ve gone to sleep,’ or ‘they’re with God now’. The problem is that it still hurts as the person isn’t there anymore and then there can be confusion about where they are. If they’re sleeping or with God, why aren’t they coming back to see me? Don’t they love me enough to do that? We have to do our best to help them realise that death is permanent, it happens to everyone,
