When someone close to your child dies

SAMANTHA GARNER, MENTAL HEALTH AND SPECIAL EDUCATIONAL NEEDS (SEN) SPECIALIST, DISCUSSES HOW TO HELP A CHILD WITH ADDITIONAL NEEDS THROUGH THE PROCESS OF GRIEF.

When someone important to us dies, we are bereaved. The process we go through getting over the bereavement is called grief. Grief is basically adjusting to the loss, a process whereby we become more accustomed to that person not being there. Unfortunately, there is no way of avoiding that process, it can be delayed but it cannot be avoided. We have to go through the process. There are models that talk about the five or seven stages of grief; however, they’re not set in stone and each person’s grief is different.

So how can we help someone go through the process? In particular if it is our child, and/or someone who struggles with understanding and/or communication because of a complex disability.

The first thing we must recognise is that we cannot stop the grief process happening. It has to happen, it’s part of life. That’s really hard because we want to protect those close to us from as much pain as possible. But we can’t. What we can do is go through the process with them and support them to acknowledge and talk about their feelings.

We also have to be honest about death. This is hard as very often we will use euphemisms around death in the hope that it won’t be as hurtful. ‘Oh, they’ve gone to sleep,’ or ‘they’re with God now’. The problem is that it still hurts as the person isn’t there anymore and then there can be confusion about where they are. If they’re sleeping or with God, why aren’t they coming back to see me? Don’t they love me enough to do that?

We have to do our best to help them realise that death is permanent, it happens to everyone, their heart stopped beating and their body doesn’t work anymore. They won’t be coming back. It’s also important to help them realise the death wasn’t in anyway their fault. It may seem obvious to us, but children can make the most bizarre connections. Reassure them regularly it’s not their fault and they are still loved.

One of the most important parts of the grief process is to allow your child to feel whatever emotions they feel and whenever they feel them. No emotion is wrong, even laughter. Did you know that laughter is a reflex action the same as the fight/flight/ freeze response? We laugh because we cannot cope with the intensity of the threat or emotion, and we need to reduce it.

As a parent we need to always acknowledge the emotion. This can be hard because seeing our child in pain is hard and our automatic reaction is to cheer them up somehow. But all this is doing is dismissing pain, it’s not allowing it to be processed. The pain is real and needs to be acknowledged. It’s ok to be sad. It’s normal. Allow it to happen.

If your child has difficulty expressing their emotions, then monitor their behaviours for changes in emotion, or their physical health - it’s well documented that grief can affect us physically. Some common ways in which distress can be displayed are:

• changes in eating habits

• shouting or anger

• crying

• disruptive behaviour

• reverting to behaviour from when they were younger

• lack of interest in usual activities

• difficulty sleeping

• reduced communication with others

• sickness/upset stomach

• additional tiredness

Provide opportunities for emotions to be expressed using their usual communication methods e.g. picture exchange communication system, artistically and so on. When asking how they are feeling, be careful not

to infer your opinion when asking. It’s a common joke that therapists always ask, ‘and how did that make you feel’. This phrasing is used because it’s not helpful to transfer opinion by saying ‘did that make you feel sad?’ This pre-empts an answer. Whatever they feel, acknowledge how they feel and hear them. It’s their feeling and not yours. Allow space and time to be sad. Don’t be afraid to talk about how it makes you feel sad and angry as well. Grief isn’t a solo journey. Chances are the person who died was close to you as well so make sure you acknowledge and talk about your feelings too.

Sometimes we also have to acknowledge that our child will not want to communicate their emotions to us as their parent. This has certainly been true with my children. It’s not that they didn’t love me, but more that they didn’t want to upset me. I made sure they had someone else they could talk to freely.

Whilst the grief journey is taking place remember that routine is likely to be very important. The death of a person close to us often makes our world feel unsafe for a while, so having routine in the other areas of life are important. It reassures us not everything is changing. Also, children often struggle with continued intensity of emotions; they need a relief. Returning to daily activities helps provide routine and respite from intense sadness. It’s not pretending it hasn’t happened, it’s allowing us to feel normal for a time.

When deciding what to do regarding funerals, allow the person affected to make their own decisions as much as possible. Support them to say goodbye in their own way if attending a funeral isn’t appropriate or possible. They could develop their own memorial, or create a piece of art to say goodbye. They could create a memories board or box of the person which they can then access in the future. As the grief journey continues, it’s important to find ways to talk about the dead person, particularly around anniversaries, special events etc, and having a memories box can be part of that.

I’ve heard it said that the more you tell your story, the shorter it gets, particularly after difficult things have happened to us. We need to keep talking about what happened but

each time we do, something will seem less important, and we leave it out as we heal. The grief journey is like this. At the beginning emotions will be powerful and plentiful. Each time we are able to express them, and they are acknowledged, we heal a little bit.

I’m going to finish by raising two more points. Firstly, that grief doesn’t just happen after a bereavement. It can happen after any significant life change – loss

of identity through school change, loss of safety following parental divorce, loss of autonomy where you lose some element of control over your life, any loss where there is significant impact.

Secondly, make sure you look after your own mental health and wellbeing as well. The better our mental health the more able we are to support others. You are allowed to grieve to. You have to go through the grief process as well. Make sure you talk about how you feel to someone, express your emotions, tell your story.

Grief is journey we will all have too through. Connection and communication make the journey a lot easier.

Grief books:

• The Invisible String

• The Day the Sea Went Out and Never Came Back

• Always and Forever

• Michael Rosen’s Sad Book

• Grandad’s Island

SAMANTHA GARNER Sam is a renowned speaker and trainer on mental health and special educational needs (SEN). After moving from recruitment into education she specialised in SEN and mental health, working with children who had been excluded from school, and children in care before becoming selfemployed as well as publishing a book on mental health with a renowned publisher. She trains nationally and internationally and writes regularly for workplace publications. Sam is a qualified Educational Assessor, CBT therapist, Child and Adolescent Counsellor, and PPP (Triple-P) Facilitator. Sam is also working as a coach for the renowned Leeds Beckett University on their nationally recognised School Mental Health Award, and she is a member of the Southwest branch of the Association for Child and Adolescent Mental Health.