SurvivorsAfterSuicide Your Path Toward Healing A Program of Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services
Fall 2023
Beth, My Wife By Avy Eschenasy
When I met Beth in 2010, I was a devoted single dad with a demanding career and an active social life. The last thing on my mind was getting remarried. But I had never met anyone quite like her. She was an enormous presence who filled every moment with another clever anecdote, another ribald joke, an over-the-top yet elegant outfit, a compelling insight. Her slight touch of mania made her the life of every party; her charisma combined with her wit made her uproariously fun. She was exhilarating, fascinating, frustrating and exhausting. I never knew what she would do next. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed but mostly I was entertained. At a certain point, I realized I was totally in love with her and we got married. After Beth died by suicide on November 2, 2016, I found myself reading descriptions of bipolar disorder and recognizing details of my own life with my wife. She herself never acknowledged her illness — something I learned was also a symptom of her disorder. Instead of managing her bipolarity with medication, she resorted to a number of idiosyncratic home remedies which, at the time, I assumed to be part of her kooky charm. Earlier that year, Beth had improbably
achieved her lifelong dream of directing a feature film. This monumental endeavor resulted in a prolonged manic state that led to a massive psychic crash once the movie was completed. During the second week of September 2016, I was away on a business trip and Beth stopped sleeping. After four sleepless nights, she checked herself into UCLA Medical. Two weeks later, she was discharged and came home. Throughout October, Beth and I made a series of comically terrible choices. Not realizing she suffered from bipolar
disorder, I decided tough love was the best approach, expecting her to heal herself while being supportive and giving her space. I was irritated she compromised her health for the movie. She, on the other hand, kept the seriousness of her illness to herself — convinced I would leave her if I knew how sick and vulnerable she really was. It was an absurd state of misunderstanding and miscommunication. We were completely out of sync with each other. On November 2, 2016, Beth took her own life. When it happened, I could not process her suicide. It was totally unreal, beyond the realm of possibility. I have been meditating on Beth’s death for almost seven years and it has been a very long and intense study in grief. Shortly after her death, I started attending support groups in Los Angeles for survivors of suicide. Years later, I’m now leading these Survivors After Suicide groups. But the nature of my engagement is the same — I’m in a dialogue with my grief. I have learned a great deal from my own evolution and the experiences of other survivors of suicide loss. And while there is a great deal of grey and nuance, I have reached a few conclusions about (Continued on page 3)
Join us for a walk to raise awareness, build community, and benefit Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services’ Suicide Prevention Center.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2023, 8-11am South Lawn, 700 Exposition Park Drive Exposition Park, Los Angeles
• Walk for those lost to suicide and survivors • Inspirational program • Live entertainment and activities
Donate or register at didihirsch.org/alivetogether
Survivors After Suicide (SAS) helps people cope with their grief and pain, and move forward in their lives, in a positive and productive way.
Rick’s Corner The rest of this beautiful song’s lyrics don’t apply but you might want to hear how different artists interpret the music to make it their own. There’s Tony Bennet’s fully orchestrated classic arrangement. The upbeat Ben E. King version, and the twangy guitar ballad sung by Willie Nelson. But my all-time favorite is Aretha Franklin, whose timbre, range and dulcet tones transport me to the moment I smiled without guilt or regret. Find your moment and embrace it.
Many of us remember the sharp pain and shock we felt when we first heard about our loved one’s suicide or the trauma of having found them. Then came the days of being inconsolable, drop-to-the-ground sobbing, only taking a breath to continue weeping. What followed were a blur of days enveloped in a thick fog where the light and sound of hope could not penetrate. How long was it before we could smile without regret or guilt? There is no timeline for suicide grief and feelings nor for the first moment we find respite from the darkness and pain. When I listen to the song, “What A Difference A Day Makes”, it speaks to the small shift in our grief that dispels the fog and allows us to feel the hope for change. It doesn’t have to be a day. It could be an hour, a minute, or a moment that gives us relief from our sorrow and allows us to breathe.
Peace and love,
Rick
Rick Mogil Program Coordinator Didi Hirsch Suicide Bereavement Services
What a difference a day makes/ twenty-four little hours
P.S. For more information on groups in California, please call 424-362-2912 and for Orange County residents, 714-547-0885.
Brought the sun and the flowers/ where there used to be rain
Resources for Survivors and Suicide Prevention CRISIS AND HELP LINES 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 24/7 English and Spanish Call or Text 9-8-8 chat 988lifeline.org www.crisiscare.org Disaster Distress Helpline 24/7 English and Spanish (800) 985-5990 24/7 Lifeline/Didi Hirsch Crisis Chat https://988lifeline.org/chat TEEN LINE Staffed by Teens 6-10 pm; Other Hours by Didi Hirsch. (800) TLC-TEEN, (800) 952-8336 or (310) 855-HOPE Didi Hirsch Korean Crisis Line (877) 727-4747 4:30 p.m.-12:30 a.m. daily Trevor Helpline (LGBTQ) (800) 850-8078
SUICIDE PREVENTION
MENTAL HEALTH
Didi Hirsch Suicide Prevention Center 10277 W. Olympic Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90067 (424) 362-2900
National Alliance for the Mentally Ill Support for Families (800) 950-6264 www.nami.org
Bereavement Support Groups (Survivors After Suicide) Support Groups for Teens: (424) 362-2911 Support Groups for Adults: All of California (424) 362-2912 Orange County Residents Only (Eng/Span) (714) 547-0885
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) www.samhsa.gov CalHOPE 833-317-4673 24/7 Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health ACCESS Line 800-854-7771, 24/7
American Association of Suicidology (202) 237-2280 www.suicidology.org American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (888) 333-2280 www.afsp.org Suicide Prevention Resource Center (877) GET-SPRC or (877) 438-7772 www.sprc.org or www.sprc.org/thespark
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SAS NEWSLETTER
Editor: Randy Levin-Cohen Editorial Board: Carolyn Levitan, Rick Mogil Design: Curtis Hill
What Do We Tell The Children? Coping With My Sister’s Suicide By Steve Levin
My sister Nancy was my soulmate. Strong willed, extremely funny and prone to inexplicable mood swings, our family attributed her erratic behavior to adjusting to life’s “normal” phases like adolescence, entering the work force, or experimenting with relationships. Nancy had a knack for finding new talent and became one of the top female music executives in a male-dominated industry. Her vision, humor and intensity, pushed the record labels and talent to new heights and she earned the respect of famous artists and top business leaders. Despite our close relationship in the early years, Nancy struggled to tell me that she was gay. Understandably, she was apprehensive about how the stigma of being an out gay woman would impact her life and work. Her mood swings got worse and she was eventually diagnosed with severe manic depression spanning the last 20+ years. As Nancy cycled in and out of depressive periods, she put up an impenetrable wall of sadness and despair and we helplessly watched her mental health spiral downward. I felt powerless and heartbroken to read the extent of Nancy’s suffering when she shared parts of her journal with me: “Do not let my thoughts of suicide continue to permeate my soul”, she wrote. She was a fighter, relentlessly managing her illness, but I couldn’t stop her demons.
Steve with his beloved sister Nancy
Three days before Nancy’s 52nd birthday, we received an urgent call from the police. We weren’t prepared when they told us Nancy had died in a motorcycle accident; the cause of death, suicide. Her 2-page note found at the scene said, “I am at peace. Please find a way to feel relief for me, that is my biggest wish. There is no Sherlock Holmes here; the answer is pain.” Nancy asked that we keep the details of her death private. Devastated by our loss, I was particularly concerned about what to tell our young kids. Sharing the truth of her suicide seemed completely overwhelming for a child to process. After conferring with two psychiatrists and our rabbi, they agreed we should honor Nancy’s request to keep her note and suicide private. A year later, I still couldn’t express my own feelings of loss, stigma, guilt, and anger or create any semblance of normalcy. That’s when I was referred to
Didi Hirsch’s Survivors After Suicide (SAS) support group. I was awed by the skilled facilitator, the group’s gut-wrenching stories and how their pain mirrored mine. By my third SAS session, I worked up the courage to ask them whether to tell our children what really happened to Nancy and if my own inability to deal with this crisis would exacerbate the situation? I also shared how frightened I was by the upcoming anniversary of Nancy’s suicide and birthday which coincidently fell on the next SAS session. The following week, my incredibly empathetic SAS group surprised me with a birthday cake for Nancy. Encouraging me to remember all the happy times we’d shared and to stop carrying around the pain of her suicide, they also stressed the importance of sharing, at the appropriate time, what really happened to Nancy with my children and others who had a close relationship with her. After completing the SAS program, I felt equipped with new insight and tools to cope with my sister’s suicide and finally tell my son and daughter that Aunt Nancy’s long-term mental illness led to her passing. Along with this deeper understanding of her mental health condition, my family and close friends began to focus on all the good times spent with Nancy. And that is what my sister would have wanted most.
Beth, My Wife (Continued from page 1) Beth, and how and why I lost her. First, at the time of her death, Beth was in overwhelming, inexpressible pain. In the groups I attend, I have spoken with grieving parents, siblings and children whose loved ones suffered from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, major depression, borderline personality disorder — all devastating, brutal, heartbreaking illnesses just as terrible and life threatening as cancer or heart disease. The stories I heard have given me a sense of what Beth was experiencing. Second, Beth was convinced she would never get better. She knew this with absolute certainty. In her own words, she would say “my brain is broken.” She had lost all hope of ever getting better.
Her choice to end her life, if we must use that word choice, was, in her mind, inexorable, logical, mechanistic. Third, and most importantly, I know that throughout her terrible illness, Beth never stopped loving me. She loved me at every moment, profoundly and without reservation, until the end. Somehow, through the twisted logic of her illness, her ending her life was consistent with that love. I have had moments where I doubted this; moments I felt anger towards Beth; moments when I questioned her motives in hiding her illness from me. But over the last seven years, I have become more certain of how much she loved me. She loved me more than words can say.
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Help for Teens Grieving A Suicide Death Now offering virtual groups! For more information call 424-362-2911 or spccounseling@didihirsch.org. Help us connect teens to 8-week support groups where they can talk with peers about their shared experience and learn coping skills to deal with loss. These groups are virtual for teens, aged 14-17, who live in California.
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OCTOBER 1, 2023 didihirsch.org/alivetogether
UPCOMING EVENTS
Survivors After Suicide Group Meetings Eight-Week Groups Meet Virtually
Alive Together: Uniting to Prevent Suicide
Groups meet virtually, once a week for 90 minutes. Santa Ana groups are available to all survivors who reside in Orange County.
Sunday, October 1, 2023 didihirsch.org/alivetogether
Please call to be placed in a group. All of California: (424) 362-2912 For Orange County: (714) 547-0885
International Survivors of a Suicide Loss Day* Saturday, November 18, 2023 Check the Greater Los Angeles website for information https://afsp.org/chapter/greater-losangeles-and-central-coast#events
SAS Winter Potluck* Saturday, December 2, 2023 6:00-8:30 p.m. Veterans Memorial Center Multipurpose Room 4117 Overland Ave, Culver City 90230 *Dates and times may be subject to change. For questions, contact Rick Mogil at rmogil@didihirsch.org.
Drop-In Groups Everyone who has completed an eight-week support group is invited to attend free monthly Zoom meetings. San Gabriel Valley South Bay West Los Angeles Zooms every Saturday 10:00 a.m.–11:30 a.m. San Fernando Valley Zooms 2nd Saturday of each month Oct 14, Nov 11, Dec 9, Jan 13 11:30 a.m.–1:00 p.m.
Santa Ana—English and Spanish English drop in Zooms the 1st Wednesday of the month 6–7:30 p.m. Oct 4, Nov 1, Dec 4, Jan 3 Spanish language drop in Zooms the 3rd Wednesday of the month 4 p.m.–6 p.m. Oct 18, Nov 15, Dec 20, Jan 17 All of California Zooms every Saturday 10:00 a.m.–11:30 a.m.