SurvivorsAfterSuicide Your Path Toward Healing A Program of Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services
Fall 2023
Beth, My Wife By Avy Eschenasy
When I met Beth in 2010, I was a devoted single dad with a demanding career and an active social life. The last thing on my mind was getting remarried. But I had never met anyone quite like her. She was an enormous presence who filled every moment with another clever anecdote, another ribald joke, an over-the-top yet elegant outfit, a compelling insight. Her slight touch of mania made her the life of every party; her charisma combined with her wit made her uproariously fun. She was exhilarating, fascinating, frustrating and exhausting. I never knew what she would do next. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed but mostly I was entertained. At a certain point, I realized I was totally in love with her and we got married. After Beth died by suicide on November 2, 2016, I found myself reading descriptions of bipolar disorder and recognizing details of my own life with my wife. She herself never acknowledged her illness — something I learned was also a symptom of her disorder. Instead of managing her bipolarity with medication, she resorted to a number of idiosyncratic home remedies which, at the time, I assumed to be part of her kooky charm. Earlier that year, Beth had improbably
achieved her lifelong dream of directing a feature film. This monumental endeavor resulted in a prolonged manic state that led to a massive psychic crash once the movie was completed. During the second week of September 2016, I was away on a business trip and Beth stopped sleeping. After four sleepless nights, she checked herself into UCLA Medical. Two weeks later, she was discharged and came home. Throughout October, Beth and I made a series of comically terrible choices. Not realizing she suffered from bipolar
disorder, I decided tough love was the best approach, expecting her to heal herself while being supportive and giving her space. I was irritated she compromised her health for the movie. She, on the other hand, kept the seriousness of her illness to herself — convinced I would leave her if I knew how sick and vulnerable she really was. It was an absurd state of misunderstanding and miscommunication. We were completely out of sync with each other. On November 2, 2016, Beth took her own life. When it happened, I could not process her suicide. It was totally unreal, beyond the realm of possibility. I have been meditating on Beth’s death for almost seven years and it has been a very long and intense study in grief. Shortly after her death, I started attending support groups in Los Angeles for survivors of suicide. Years later, I’m now leading these Survivors After Suicide groups. But the nature of my engagement is the same — I’m in a dialogue with my grief. I have learned a great deal from my own evolution and the experiences of other survivors of suicide loss. And while there is a great deal of grey and nuance, I have reached a few conclusions about (Continued on page 3)
Join us for a walk to raise awareness, build community, and benefit Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services’ Suicide Prevention Center.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2023, 8-11am South Lawn, 700 Exposition Park Drive Exposition Park, Los Angeles
• Walk for those lost to suicide and survivors • Inspirational program • Live entertainment and activities
Donate or register at didihirsch.org/alivetogether
Survivors After Suicide (SAS) helps people cope with their grief and pain, and move forward in their lives, in a positive and productive way.