agony aunt
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Ask Grania
email: kingston@darlingmagazine.co.uk
In my column, I am addressing questions and worries sent in by you, Darling readers. An independent person can sometimes offer different suggestions and solutions to problems, as they can look at things objectively, from a fresh point of view. Please send me your questions and I will do my best to help. Your identity will be held strictly confidential. "I dread Christmas! It makes me feel stressed!" We are bombarded with messages of ‘perfect’ Christmas and an expectation you should have a partner, be popular and sociable. This leaves many people feeling disappointed and isolated. Think about what you enjoy in the festive season and do just that, or ignore it if it doesn’t mean much to you. Very challenging I admit if you have a family and partner to keep happy, but explain to them that you are doing your best and enjoying it your way even if you are not beaming the whole time singing carols. If you’re experiencing problems in your relationship, being together over the holidays can reach crisis point. Discussing things that can trigger arguments (like feeling overworked, unappreciated or
judged) is worth trying, as you may be able to agree on a plan to stop disagreements escalating. "I’m a man and my friend bullies me! I’m trying to joke about it but it’s really hurtful." The truth is people can’t manipulate you unless you let them. People can’t push you around, put you under pressure, unless you fall in with the game. Want it to stop? So stop pulling when he pushes, pushing when he pulls. If he has a go, ask him if he’s having a bad day, and back off. Tell him you’ll come back to chat when he’s feeling better, or ask him if he needs to talk about anything. It’s more than possible he does what he does without realising how unpleasant it is. Maybe he needs to learn from experience, when he acts in that way he won’t get what he wants.
Grania Young
At present, you ‘reinforce’ his behaviour – by that I mean you show him it always works. Stop letting it work and he’ll soon learn not to do it. People who can take power from us are the ones we give power to. He doesn’t make your life so hard – you do, by taking what he says so seriously, by taking it personally and by reacting when he behaves this way. Take a deep breath. React positively to his nice behaviour rather than falling into line with his bad stuff. Seasonal tip: Focus on solutions, not problems. Negative circumstances don't sit idly by – they scream for our attention. When we face difficult circumstances, we tend to dwell on them and give them way too much attention. Instead of talking about problems, talk solutions. Instead of spending your time thinking about how bad things are, think about how good they will be! Don't let yourself or other friends complain; encourage them to solve, with an emphasis on the positive results that will come from doing so. Then take some time to put these solutions down on paper so you can monitor your progress.
darlingmagazine.co.uk WINTER 2016 | 2017
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