NOBLE CRICKET MASCOTS

TheVitalityBlastMascotRace.Afixtureonanytrue

fan’s calendar.

But is this a true test of the mettle of a mascot? I would argue, no. The true test of a mascot is how noble they are. Canamascotstandtoetotoe withaproperbinman,anodds andsodsman,oralollipoplady and hold their head up high? In this essay I will answer this questiononceandforall.

Accordingtonotedweightsand measurements website of record “weight of stuff’, the combined 600lb might of CarmenBear(it’sacheesepun) andHughBear(it’snotacheese pun), the bears from Birmingham Bears, is equal to that of a baby grand piano, a fully stocked vending machine, ortwofairlysmallbrownbears.

According to the Cricketers Trust Finals Day mascot Twitter thread, (The Bible for mascot-related stats) as being into amateur dramatics and karaoke-twothingsI’msurewe can all agree are basically just showing off. That being said, largethingsgenerallyarequite noble, with the exception, of course,ofRichardOsman,and therefore we will start with a nobility score of 7/10- a solid start for two solid mascotsalbeit ones you wouldn’t want tospendmorethan10minutes with at a party. Caesar of Surrey fame is another bear (editor’s note: Caesar is a lion, we don’t know where he got thisfrom),butwithoutacheese themedpunforaname; he cannot be given a score of morethan2/10. only be described as incredibly ignoble-althoughthestatistics saythatMorganis1000years old, which I’m sure we can all agree is commendable. 3/10. thatcouldgraceanywrestling ring across the world. Vinny is clearly noble, but loses points for being from Yorkshire6.5/10.

TheaverageT20cricketmatch lasts around 3 hours, meaning that Freddie The Falcon, a 13 year old Falcon, is in breach of childlabourlawseverytimehe steps on to the field. Children did make excellent chimney sweeps, this is a fact, but it is 2023 and various factors outside of my control mean that this is no longer deemed acceptable. Nobility scoreexempt. Hawky the Hampshire Hawk also sadly meets this same fate, as a 2 year-old cruellytakenfromhismother’s nest and forced to entertain cricket fans; as does Nile The Crocodile from Worcester Rapids,whoisonly8.

Eagles can be majestic and golden, but they can also be bald. Does this limit their nobility score? Yes. Essex’s mascots are called Ellie The Eagle and Eddie The Eagle, which as well as being uninspiring, also infringes on a number of copyrights now owned by 20th Century Fox. 2/10.Theonlytruenobledragon for me is the late, great and sorelymissedHilaryDevey,and with that in mind Morgan the Dragon from Glamorgan, can .

Somerset’s Stumpy The Dragon, not to be confused with Stumpy - one half of the mascot team of Willow and Stumpy on Cricket AM (whoooooooo remembers) - is another cricketing dragon mascot, but loses a nobility point for not even wearing a cricketshirt-sortitoutmate. 2/10.

Menindungarees,questionable facialhair,Idles.MentionBristol and the word ‘noble’ does not instantly spring to mind. One man, however, is trying to change that: enter, Alfred The Gorilla. Standing at an astonishing 7ft4, this guy is wasted as a cricket mascot, butstickatitandI’msureone day the phone call will come from the big man brother, Mr Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Untilhegetsadeservedrunin theWWE,Alfredscoresavery solid 8/10 for nobility, based almostentirelyonthefactthat despite being 92 he could batter every single other mascot- with the exception perhaps of Yorkshire’s ‘Vinny The Viking’- a main event fight .

Another vertically-gifted mascotisCharlieTheFox,who standsatanimpressive7fttall. The nobility of foxes can be argued long into the night, but this fox explicitly names his sporting hero as David Gower which, as a 19 year old fox, is loserbehaviour.4/10 noble? Kurt Angle won an Olympic Gold Medal with a broken neck, if that same fate happened to a giraffe it would almost certainly be forced to crossovertherainbowbridge. Obvious cervical spine issues notwithstanding, you cannot arguethatLankyisnotagreat servanttothesportofcricket. 7/10

KentusedtohaveaSpitfireas theirmascot,perhapsthemost noble death machine ever created. Now they are a pale imitation of themselves with two frankly pathetic horse mascots named Victa and Victoria. I cannot even dignify these two lowlifes with a rating. The same goes for Sandy and Sid the Shark. Both of these mascots look insane, and serious animal welfare issues must be raised for Sussex County Cricket Club keepingthesecreaturesondry land.

Steeler, of Northants

Steelbacksfame,isa144year old dog which, in dog years, is veryveryold.Healsoallegedly foughtinawar.4/10.

Grey squirrels are generally (andrightly)consideredvermin. Thank God then, that beloved Nottinghamshire mascot Nuts youhaven’treallywatchedsince you were 14 years old. What I would say to them is, you have notmetamanwithasmuchfree time as me. In conclusion, many ofthemascotscanproudlylook inthemirrorandsaythat–yes,I amanoblebeing.Manycannot.

The Squirrel is a noble red squirrel.Theanti-nutculturein this country is why we now have a Twix in a tin of Celebrations rather than the humbleTopic.Withthisinmind we have to stick by our wonderfulredsquirrels:7.5/10.

LankyTheGiraffewalksaround like he owns the place, and he wouldbecorrectinhisthinking. Undoubtedlythetopdogofthe mascotworld.Butaregiraffes .

The naysayers (I do not mean horses, as mentioned before I have nothing but disgust for Victa and Victoria from Kent) would perhaps say that it is impossible to write over a thousandwordsonasubjectas arbitraryasmascotsinasport .

Cricket’s main challenge in future will be to try and bridge thisgap.BringbacktheSpitfire forKent,replacetheHampshire Hawk with an ice cream man whosellssinglecigarettesonthe side, and ditch Freddie the Falcon in favour of something the young fans of Derbyshire canreallylookupto-amanina costume pretending to be a steeplejack.