January 12, 2017 - Joke Issue

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Thursday January 12, 2017 vol. cxl no. 121

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com } U N I V E R S I T Y A F FA I R S

STUDENT LIFE

U. to discontinue late lunch program Campus Dining has announced that it will stop offering late lunches effective Jan. 12.

This major decision comes after an investigation by the Committee on Efficient Time Management uncovered a “rampant, disturbing practice of students’ playing hooky to get a late lunch,” according to the committee’s report.

The committee, composed of University faculty and students, launched the investigation after professors of classes that spanned across the 2:00 p.m. to 3:45 p.m. late lunch period started reporting a drop in attendance last November.

The committee’s report recommends discontinuing late lunches on the grounds that they were promoting a “culture of truancy.”

“As a result of our undercover operations, we found that, during a two-week period, over 97 percent of students who purchased a late lunch from the Frist Campus Center had skipped class in order to do so,” said Guy Generalman, the head of the committee.

Student reactions to the announcement have been a mixture of anger and disbelief.

“How am I supposed to work out without my two daily bottles of Powerade from Frist?

So who cares if I skip class for late meal? Everyone else does it. I need my Powerade,” Iam Swollington ’20 said.

“I can’t believe they’ve done this,” John McStunned ’19 said.

A protest by a new student group called ‘Bring Back the Late Lunch’ is set to take place on Saturday, Jan. 14.

U N I V E R S I T Y A F FA I R S

Eisgruber ’83 to complete Prospect 11 University President Christopher Eisgruber ‘83 intends to complete the Prospect 11 by the conclusion of 2017, according to his bucket list obtained by The Daily Princetonian.

The document reveals that since taking office in 2013, Eisgruber has attended nine eating clubs to imbibe the requisite drinks.

Eisgruber goes undercover to

avoid being spotted, according to sources close to him.

One source said that a staff from the University’s Office of Communications also travels from club to club with him to ensure that his selfies with drinks at each club are of the highest quality possible.

Date stamps on the photographs, provided to the ‘Prince’ See EISGRUBER page 2

COURTESY OF MARY ELIZABETH RYAN ‘20

Unique and not-at-all basic photo of Nassau Hall.

U. student gains acclaim for innovative Instagram picture In a move that art critics around the world are lauding as revolutionary, Mary Elizabeth Ryan ’20 posted an Instagram of Nassau Hall in the snow on Tuesday.

“We’ve seen Instagrams of Nassau Hall,” art history professor Albert Sykes said, “and Instagrams of the campus covered in snow, but we’ve never seen such a combination. Instantly iconic.”

“I was just walking to writing seminar and looked up from taking a Buzzfeed quiz

right when I was passing Nassau Hall. It looked kind of pretty, and I thought it would make a great addition to my feed, right next to my pic from New Year’s captioned ‘new year no new friends,’” Ryan said. a“There’s definitely a hint of Ansel Adams-style naturalism in her subject choice and composition, but it would be a mistake to miss the candid, bittersweet mood evocative of Henri Cartier-Bresson in his prime,” wrote art collector Madeleine Bossert-Montgom-

ery in a statement to the Daily Princetonian.

A gelatin print of Ryan’s chef d’oeuvre has been listed with Sotheby’s for a starting bid of four million. The Mathey College freshman remains uninterested in fame, however, preferring to remain true to her own unique artistic vision.

“I’m thinking next, I’m going to Instagram a Lawnparties picture,” Ryan said, “and caption it ‘#tbt.’”

U. to change motto every year U N I V E R S I T Y A F FA R S

Eisgruber ‘83 in the library of Terrace Club.

The University announced a new plan to change its unofficial motto every year in an email announcement to all past, present, and future members of the University community.

According to University spokesperson John Cramer, this plan was instituted so that the University can stay “current with its times”.

However, according to an anonymous source in the Office of Alumni Affairs, the

real reason for this plan was to get alumni to buy more University merchandise by making them excited about owning gear with all University mottos.

A leaked Undergraduate Student Government report, which a source claims was passed on to them by Class of 2019 President Christopher Umanzor, contains classified information regarding the motto for next year. According to this source, the motto

for next year is “Ask not what Princeton can do for you, but ask how much you need to donate for it to care about you.”

“We chose this motto from an exceedingly long list of possible options, but ultimately decided that this selection best represented the interests of our overpaid administrators and financial managers,” University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 said.

See MOTTO page 2

U N I V E R S I T Y A F FA I R S : : D E C . 1 5

Policy to fine students with bikes on poles

In Opinion

esteemed Honor Code — which has existed for over 100 years!” Cramer said.

Disgruntled students who must climb on their friends’ shoulders to obtain the dangling bikes are even more up in arms with the changed policy.

“I didn’t even do it myself, some jerk hung my bike on the light pole and now I can’t even get it down myself — and then the University has the nerve to fine me, too!” Sebastian Smith ‘19 said. “I don’t even drink and yet this happens to me.

Why does karma hate me? ” Smith went on to note

Columnist Ryan Chavez advocates for the Prince to follow the suit of other publications and become a fake news source, and guest contributor Tommy Toe discusses plant labeling in the dining halls and nationwide. PAGE 4

that his bike had been hung on a light pole a total of 12 times.

“I’m not sure why it’s always my bike,” he said.

“Maybe because it’s red or something? I read once that bulls are attracted to the color red. Maybe it’s that.”

According to the new policy, Smith would be charged a total of $175.

Cramer declined to comment on what the University would do about a situation like Smith’s where the student who owned the bike but did not hang it on the pole was stuck with the fine.

RACHEL SPADY:: PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR

Bike finds its home on a snowy lamp post in Prospect Garden.

Today on Campus 7:30 a.m.:on Wilcox dining hall would be open to the public, Today Campus 12 p.m.: Men’s Squash will play against Trinity University in a game that will be crucial for the team to move back into the ‘A’ flight of the CSA team championships this season. The game will take place in Jadwin Squash Court.

WEATHER

The University will begin fining students whose bikes are found hanging on light poles effective Jan. 12, according to a message addressed to all undergraduate students by the University’s Transportation and Parking Services.

The fine would be $10 per bike hanging with an added $5 for every time after the first.

University Spokesperson John Cramer identified the policy as “one of the best the University has ever conceived.”

“I think that this surpasses the greatness of the

HIGH

LOW

140˚ 55˚ Global warming. chance of rain:

This is The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Got ’em!

150 percent

The Daily Princetonian

page 2

Other bucket list items include BodyHype callback, good grade in first-year physics EISGRUBER Continued from page 1

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by the source, show he has spaced these outings out in intervals of approximately four months.

“He has been successful so far,” another anonymous source close to Eisgruber said, “but Chris is afraid he won’t be able to obtain passes to Ivy Club and Tiger Inn.” Eisgruber tried to solicit passes from various varsity athletes, records show, after growing tired of Cloister Inn and “too many

late nights at Terrace,” the source added.

According to the source, every time Eisgruber is denied a pass, he dresses in plaid-on-plaid in loving memory of “legendary Tacky Dress Plaid-on-Plaid party” hosted by the Elm Club, which he belonged to as an undergraduate, and drinks juices at the Carl A. Fields Center for Equality and Understanding, which originally housed the Elm Club.

Other items on Eisgruber’s bucket list include getting a BodyHype callback, and getting an A in freshmen physics.

Motto to have disclaimer to change at any time MOTTO

Continued from page 1

.............

Other options on the list included the universal crowd-pleaser “Immigration lawyers with whom we have consulted have told us that this concept has no basis in law.” This was later shortened to “this concept has no basis in law,” both for brevity and to endow it with “some Constitution-level jiggerypokery and interpretability,” as Eisgruber put it.

The Committee on Inspiring Rhetoric also considered the phrases “Orange is the new crimson” and “We like the other Cambridge better,” before being threatened with

defamation lawsuits by the boisterous barristers of Boston. Yale’s Office of Communications declined to comment on these proceedings, preferring to stick to its own lawyers in the city of New Haven, which Yale recently offered to buy for the generous sum of $73.95.

The motto will also feature a disclaimer in microprint that reads “Princeton reserves the right to change its motto at any time without warning, though it promises only to do so in the pursuit of political correctness and in cases of clear moral superiority.”

Are you interested in Either RUNNING or DRIVING around campus in a golf cart, delivering the paper the campus wakes up to, AND getting paid to do all of this?

Email bm@dailyprincetonian.com We are recruiting runners and golf cart drivers to deliver our papers in the morning.

Thursday January 12, 2017

The Daily Princetonian

Thursday January 12, 2017

page 3

ACADEMICS

U. researchers find Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

COURTESY OF THE BUFFALO BUFFALO RESEARCH TEAM

The photo that led to the revolutionary discovery that buffaloes buffalo fellow buffaloes.

A recent study conducted by researchers in the University’s Department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology found that buffalo from Buffalo intimidate — and even assault — buffalo from Buffalo.

The study, entitled “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo,” suggests that buffaloes in the wildlife intimidate and assault each other, just as humans do.

“I believe our findings ultimately prove that buffaloes are capable of doing basically everything humans do,” Wilde Lyfe, a lecturer in the department who led the research, said, “the good, the bad, and the ugly.”

The study began when a member of the research team accidentally took a photo of a buffalo having what looked like a non-consensual intercourse with another buffalo during field research, Lyfe noted, which led to the revelation that buffaloes could be mean to each other. Previously, the ability to harm each other was considered by the scholars as the defining trait of the human race.

Annie Mall GS, a member of the research team, noted that the team intends to expand their project and look into related topics, such as the political structure of a buffalo pack.

“We’re especially interested in how negative campaigning and election engineering functions in how buffaloes elect their pack leader, how nepotism functions within a pack, and how buffaloes are often hostile towards those from another pack,” she said. “We hope it shed lights to some of the most fundamental questions in the field of behavioral biology with regards to the origin of violence and corruption.”

However, Grammar P. Olice, professor of linguistics, said he believes the team’s findings are erroneous.

“To begin with, ‘Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo’ is not a grammatically correct sentence,” Olice said. “You need another ‘buffalo’ at the end — without that last one the sentence is just incomplete. This study is a disgrace to the English language.”

STUDENT LIFE

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E-mail join@dailyprincetonian.com

Wild squirrels terrorize Princeton students near FitzRandolph Gate

Rabid squirrels terrorize campus University students have found themselves terrorized in the past few days by rabid squirrels. The animals appear to be infected with a rare strain of rabies that makes them more intelligent in addition to becoming ferocious, growing to the size of dogs, and frothing at the mouth.

“I walked into my room and found one of them sitting at my desk. It deleted my thesis and sent my professor an inappropriate email before I could chase it away with my lacrosse stick,” Billy Bob Jones ’17 said.

The scene on campus this week has been highly dangerous as squirrels “chase after students, tackle them, bite them, insult th—” one source said, whose name could not be obtained before she was taken out by one of the rabid animals.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before in my career,” University Animal Control Services Director

Jonathan Smith said. “Well, I have, but I’m legally obligated not to discuss that right now.”

The Office of Admission attempted to contact admitted students in the Class of 2021 to alleviate their fears about coming to campus, but a group of the squirrels altered the message to state that their acceptances were being rescinded and that they would never live up to their parents’ expectations anyway.

Some of the squirrels were seen in the registrar’s office hanging up Harvard posters and def lating students’ grades. Others chased freshmen through FitzRandolph Gate to make sure they will never graduate.

The University is doing everything it can to fix this issue before everyone goes nuts, according to a statement by the Office of Communications.

The Daily Princetonian is published daily except Saturday and Sunday from September through May and three times a week during January and May by The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc., 48 University Place, Princeton, N.J. 08540. Mailing address: P.O. Box 469, Princeton, N.J. 08542. Subscription rates: Mailed in the United States $175.00 per year, $90.00 per semester. Office hours: Sunday through Friday, 1:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. Telephones: Business: 609-375-8553; News and Editorial: 609-258-3632. For tips, email news@dailyprincetonian.com. Reproduction of any material in this newspaper without expressed permission of The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc., is strictly prohibited. Copyright 2014, The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Daily Princetonian, P.O. Box 469, Princeton, N.J.

Opinion

Thursday January 12, 2017

page 4

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com }

vol. cxl

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

No News [section] is Good News*

Do-Hyeong Myeong ’17 editor-in-chief

Daniel Kim ’17

business manager

Ryan Chavez columnist

T

lack of actual news in Princeton has lulled us into an ennui that can be broken only by making The Daily Princetonian’s joke edition every single issue. We here in the Bubble have the chance to transcend the detachment of the liberal elite and actually lose all contact with facts and reality. Taking this high aspiration into account, I propose the largest change to the operations of The Daily Princetonian possible: consolidate the news and opinion sections and embrace the ethos of the modern era. All pretense of factuality implied by the heading news should be left behind as we enter the post-facts era. In addition to this blurring of fact and opinion, the ‘Prince’ should publish as much as possible without regard to quality of content. This 24/7 new section can be called No Off Time News, or NOT-News for short.

All NOT-news articles should be embellished and editorialized to the point at which they become provocative to almost any reader!

But it should not stop there.

When you decide to disregard any semblance of reality you open up a slew of highly entertaining possibilities. I can’t wait to see the article published about President Christopher Eisgruber ‘83 having an extramarital affair with the weather machine that we all know sits in the bottom of Nassau Hall.

The transition will not be easy, so to get started with our new direction

oday my newsfeed on Facebook contained three Buzzfeed lists, four Joe Biden memes, and a slew of news-based editorials dressed up with superlative clickbait titles and dubious factual content. I clicked on all of them. This is the new media, and the ‘Prince’ should wholeheartedly embrace it. After all, we need to look no further than our incoming President-elect’s administration for inspiration, advised as it is by the quintessential modern media journalist, Steve Bannon.

In order for the ‘Prince’ to be the model institution of journalistic excellence on Princeton’s campus, it needs to emulate the hard hitting research and presentation of lowresolution jpeg images perfected by such sources as Occupy Democrats.

Only when we lower our standards to the point where most people on campus already think they are will we be a truly exemplary collegiate news source.

But how you might ask? What would this new vision of the Daily Princetonian look like? How can we here in our Orange Bubble write exciting news stories that are as grounded in reality as the material coming from Breitbart News or as objective as The Daily Beast?

Nothing ever happens in Princeton!

This is precisely why the ‘Prince’ needs to become the fake news source that Princetonians everywhere are yearning for. The

140TH MANAGING BOARD managing editor Caroline Congdon ’17

as the premier fake news source on campus, here are a few headlines for The Daily Princetonian to consider: Residential college system functioning well, Eating clubs highly inclusive spaces, Late meal quesadilla man happy, Minority student seen eating in Cottage, It would have been the same grade at Harvard, Princeton squirrel fears death, Freshmen actually referred to as first-years, Lacrosse team rated most racially sensitive varsity team on campus, Student who took gap year not talking about it, USG elections matter, Fire safety policy extremely reasonable, Nassoons: surprisingly chill, Penn student still hasn’t found the Dinky, Wilson College rated best standard of living, Whig-Clio senate debate relevant and well attended, Princeton Tory rated best humor magazine on campus, Princeton Triangle Club members confused for Yale students, Athletes most oppressed group on campus, Princeton Debate Panel member makes friend who isn’t debater, Forbes worth the walk.

associate opinion editors Newby Parton ’18 Sarah Sakha ’18

*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue.

associate sports editors Nolan Liu ’19 David Xin ’19

Ryan Chavez is a sophomore at Princeton University and can be reached at rdchavez@princeton.edu.

associate photography editors Ahmed Akhtar ’17 Atakan Baltaci ’19 Mariachiara Ficarelli ’19

news editor Shriya Sekhsaria ’18 opinion editor Jason Choe ’17 sports editor David Liu ’18 street editors Andie Ayala ‘19 Catherine Wang ‘19 photography editor Rachel Spady ’18 video editor Elaine Romano ’19 web editor David Liu ‘18 chief copy editors Omkar Shende ’18 Maya Wesby ’18 design editor Crystal Wang ’18 associate news editors Charles Min ’17 Marcia Brown ‘19 Claire Lee ‘19

associate chief copy editors Megan Laubach ’18 Samuel Garfinkle ‘19 associate design editor Jessica Zhou ’19 editorial board chair Cydney Kim ’17

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

cartoons editor Rita Fang ’17

The next frontier in plant rights* Tommy Toe

T

NIGHT STAFF 1.11.17 senior copy editors Isabel Hsu ‘19 Daphne Mandell ‘19

guest columnist

ake a look around any Princeton dining hall, and you’ll see eight f lavors of ice cream, two dozen lettuce ingredients, four or five varieties of pizza — and one vestige of a discriminatory culture that harks back generations.

I’m talking about labels. You can’t get out of a dining hall without seeing some edible plant hastily labeled as “vegetable of the day” by chefs who never asked the plants how they identify. That may have f lown in 1746, but now that it’s 2017, we should move past our compulsion to pigeonhole plants into a category and allow them to identify however they please.

As a tomato, I belong to a strain of plant that has faced especially serious persecution.

Our kind gets labeled as “rotten,” an insult still vivid in the minds of movie reviewers on sites like RottenTomatoes.com.

And tomatoes have also long been at the center of a bigger debate: fruit and vegetable identity. We’ve come a long way since the dark days of 1893, when the Supreme Court ruled in Nix v. Hedden that tomatoes were strictly vegetables, never fruits.

(This really happened.)

Nowadays, botanists commonly make the argument that

Blog editor Michael Zhang ’17

staff copy editors Todd Gilman ‘20 Michael Li ‘20

we’re fruits, and with opinions divided on both sides, we can sometimes get by with choosing the identity we feel allows us to express ourselves best.

Sadly, many people continue to insist that we must be one or the other. They don’t recognize our right to individual choice, the right for every tomato to decide whether to be a fruit or a vegetable.

Of course, this is not a right reserved only by tomatoes. We may suffer the most blatant discrimination, but every plant, no matter how big or small, has the right to choose its own identity.

When all plants of a particular variety are categorically labeled as a vegetable, this basic plant right is denied to them.

Not only do labels harm the plants they directly force an identity upon, but they also have a second exclusionary effect. By applying the vegetable label only to particular varieties, members of the fruit community who identify as transvegite are implicitly excluded. Why can’t a grape be recognized as the vegetable of the day? If it identifies as a vegetable and has been an active part of that community, it deserves the same recognition of its identity that we grant to cisvegetables like green beans and caulif lower.

This year, Princeton’s dining halls should become a more inclusive community. Instead of labeling all broccoli with a “vegetable of the day” sign, for instance, we should stick to calling it broccoli. This way, every individual head of broccoli will finally enjoy acceptance of its identity as a fruit, vegetable, or non-binary plant. Every carrot, every squash, every melon — and yes, every tomato too — would get to express its own identity.

We should never be put into a box, except during shipment.

The next time you eat in a dining hall, be mindful to stand up for the tomato. By taking an active stance against labels inside the dining hall, we can bring about real change outside of it.

Because forcing an identity onto another plant — or person — is rotten.

Tommy Toe is a freshfruit from Terhune Orchard, NJ. It can be reached at ttoe2@princeton.edu.

design Rachel Brill ‘19

The Daily Princetonian

Thursday January 12, 2017

page 5

Obama readies for life after the White House M. BBALL Continued from page 6

.............

bombs on ‘em like I’m SEAL Team Six,” Obama said.

“He performed in the clutch in ’08, and I’m sure he’ll be our go-to closer for the rest of this season,” Henderson beamed.

Concerns of course will be on the defensive end. His block totals are surprisingly low, even for a guard. Having failed to block Donald Trump from the presidency, one can only wonder whether Barry O will be swift enough to keep the guards in the Ancient Eight from blowing past him to the rim.

True to form, Obama expressed little concern for his future foes, and showed great

confidence on his ability to improve as the season went on.

“I’m stepping into a great team with an incredible coaching staff, and my defensive stats are going to skyrocket over time,” Obama said. “It’s about to be some NBA 2K level stuff right here.”

“I’m about to be stealing more balls than Russian steals elections,” he quipped.

One thing is for certain — in whatever minutes he gets, and in whatever role he plays, Obama is about to Barack the Ivy League. Let the other teams beware.

(Reports that Jared Kushner attempted to buy a spot on the Harvard men’s basketball team remain uncertain).

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The one constant in life Anne zou ‘20

Sports

Thursday January 12, 2017

page 6

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com } MEN’S BASKETBALL

Obama to join men’s basketball team

By Miles Hinson Sports Editor Emeritus

For the presidency, orange has become the new black. For the Princeton men’s basketball team, however, black is the new orange. Following his eight years at the helm of the United States, President Barack Obama ‘S85 announced in a surprise press conference that he would be playing guard for the Princeton men’s basketball team.

“Ball is life,” Obama said. “And I intend to live to the fullest.”

Standing at 6’1”, 175 pounds, the longtime basketball fanatic

is sure to become a contributor right away on a Tigers team raring to go in the hunt for the Ivy League crown. Princeton (8-6 overall, 1-0 Ivy League) is sure to benefit from both the strong shooting and veteran leadership from the nation’s Baller-in-Chief.

“The experience he brings to this squad, it’s just not something you see every day,” men’s basketball coach Mitch Henderson ’98 said. “The skill and savvy he’s shown in the last eight years at the White House will be an incredible asset to our young guys.

We’ve seen him stunt on his opponents for the last eight years,

and the fact that he’s bringing that swagger and charisma to our squad? Incredible.”

Obama, moreover, expects to fit in comfortably with this already talented squad. With his array of finishing moves (having pulverized John McCain and Mitt Romney in ’08 and ’12, respectively), and a sweet jump shot, Obama is a force to be reckoned with on the offensive end.

The Tigers, shooting 38 percent from downtown as a team already, can only be bolstered by his presence.

“I’m about to drop long-range See M. BBALL page 5

FOOTBALL

RACHEL SPADY :: PHOTO EDITOR

Clemson will resume training immediately to prepare for the Tigers.

Football looks to expand schedule, will take on Clemson, Alabama next season

By Nolan Liu Associate Sports Editor

RACHEL SPADY :: PHOTO EDITOR

Obama showing off his newly-made Princeton jersey following the announcement of his decision.

A breaking press release from the Princeton football team indicates that the program will look to increase the strength and competitiveness of its schedule by scheduling games against Clemson and Alabama in September 2017.

After an outstanding 2016 campaign that saw the squad achieve a 6-1 record and a share of the Ivy League title, the program has evidently taken steps to improve the challenge presented by the Tigers’ opponents.

“I think it’s a great thing for the program; the logical next step, as it were,” explained Princeton Head Coach Bob Surace ’90. “Our defense was outstanding all of last season — I think I speak for both myself and the football fans of America when I say that we can’t wait to see them go head-to-head against the likes of Bo Scarbrough and Deshaun

Watson.”

Both games will be at home, and are expected to set new attendance records at Princeton Stadium. The matchups will serve as strong non-conference tests for the Tigers as they prepare for Ivy League play.

Princeton students queried about the matchup expressed excitement and anticipation, along with strong faith in the Tigers.

“Ordinarily, I wouldn’t be so sure about our chances,” mused Joe Staud ’17. “But after the Golden State Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals, I’m ready for anything.”

Nolan Liu ’19, an economics major, was more ambivalent, but nevertheless saw little risk in the schedule change.

“One thing’s for sure,” he observed. “We can’t lose the Clemson game, because the Tigers will win, either way.”

Dabo Swinney and Nick Saban could not be reached for comment.

FOOTBALL

Football team to be treated for uncontrollable “dabbing” outbreak

By David Liu Sports Editor

Per a University announcement Wednesday evening, all players and coaches of the varsity football team will be immediately treated for a widespread “dabbing” outbreak that has plagued the team of late.

Signs of the outbreak first emerged late into the 2016 season when senior running back Im Too Cool cost the Tigers the Ivy League championships when he fumbled the game-winning touchdown after breaking into a spontaneous dab. When asked regarding this action after the game, Cool explained that he had been breaking into uncontrollable dabs a few hours before the game.

Though the season may have ended following the Tiger’s loss, the dabs did not.

In fact, following Cool’s fiasco, other members of the football team reported experiencing uncontrollable dabs as well. Within

a week, members of the football team could be seen dabbing in the weight room, University dining halls, and even on Prospect Street.

Jonny McDab, one of the latest victims of the outbreak, reported to the ‘Prince’ that he was having trouble performing basic human functions such as eating, showering, and even sleeping because his dab outbreaks had become too consuming.

Head coach Bob Surace ’90 declined to comment when reached over the phone. Instead, the phone could be heard rattling onto the floor, likely due to yet another spontaneous dab outbreak.

In response to the massive influx of emergency dab cases, McCosh Health Center has promptly hired a dab recovery specialist, the renowned Dr. Panthers Bandwagon. Bandwagon’s history with dabbing actually began in his childhood when he battled through a chronic case of Tebowing. Following months of intensive therapy, Bandwagon eventually recovered

Tweet of the Day “This Fall, I’ll be taking my talent to the Jersey Shore @KingJames” Barack Obama (@BarackObama ), Class of 2021 Recruit, Men’s Basketball

from his illness. However, a few weeks later, Bandwagon discovered that his case of Tebowing had simply evolved into a case of dabbing.

To treat the Tigers, Dr. Bandwagon plans to prohibit members of the team from accessing the internet or any social media. Instead, members of the team will spend their time in McCosh practicing yoga and undergoing physical therapy. Should withdrawal from dabbing become too severe, Dr. Bandwagon has said that the players will be permitted to dab once a day.

Looking ahead, the Tiger’s 2017 season may already be in jeopardy. To restrict the spread of the outbreak, the University has temporarily suspended the Tiger’s upcoming schedule, fearing the dabbing outbreak will spread across the league. In the meantime, any University students, faculty, or staff who experience uncontrollable dabbing are asked to report to the McCosh Health Center at their earliest convenience.

RACHEL SPADY :: PHOTO EDITOR

Im Too Cool’s spontaneous dab late in the season ultimately costed the Tigers the Ivy League Championship.

Stat of the Day

6 Attendees A record six visitors were reported at Wednesday’s Golf meet, tripling the previous attendance record.

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