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January 23, 2014

In Good Company Alone in the City of Brotherly Love

Freshman Superlatives: Then & Now | Award Season Film Guide | GOZZIP (DUH)

january 23 LOL



the round–up, word on the street, meh list, overheards


ego of the week, rush retrospective, accidental pets





grammy drinking games, album reviews, haiku reviews, hidden gems


classic of the week, award season film guide


alone time in philadelphia


inside kanella kitchen, greek lady alternatives, feta cheeses




artist profile, diy, gallery review


uncensored thank you notes,freshman superlative revisits


places to explore

Byrne Fahey, Assistant Design Ling Zhou, Assistant Design Conor Cook, Assistant Photo Julia Liebergall, Highbrow Alex Sternlicht, Highbrow Nicole Malick, Ego Randi Kramer, Ego Emily Marcus, Food and Drink 2

3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 3 , 2 01 4

On Wednesday of last week I was only registered for two classes. Not too dramatic, I know, but for me, under-enrollment was traumatizing. Advanced Registration had never failed me in the past. Somehow, for five semesters I weaseled my way through the maze of Penn InTouch into four not–too-early, not–too–hard courses and was there in a safe middle row desk browsing Buzzfeed from day one. This time around, things were different. I was rejected by professor after professor in a disappointing round of academic speed–dating, sent all the way back to Pine St. without even a syllabus to keep me warm at night. And it freaked me out. After calling my mom nearly 100 times to whine about the uncertainty of my future, Friday came and went. On Saturday morning I got an email that rush was postponed; it was the third loss in as many weeks.

Instantly, I realized my little problem was one I should feel lucky to face. The uncertainty of classes, rush, OCR or whatever else you’re worrying about is nothing compared to the uncertainty of life—the one uncertainty we’re not usually complaining about to our moms or friends or academic advisors. When a spot opens up in the recitation you've been waiting for, you probably don’t think it’s because someone else won’t ever get the chance to come back to school. Now that my schedule is adequately full, I’m thinking about those students. I know that while I may be nearly done with graduation requirements, others didn’t make it as far. This first letter is for them.

DEAR SORORITY HOPEFULS, Now that bid night is re–rescheduled, you have no excuse not to lady flirt your way to the 'Nut tonight. Bring your Rho Gam and whatever crafting supplies you have. We have popsicle sticks and condoms and that's about it. TAKE OUR BID OR WE'LL GOSSIP ABOUT YOU, (we're going to gossip about you anyway) —STREET

Come to the

writers' meeting

Tonight. 6:30 p.m. 4015 Walnut St.

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief Patrick Ford-Matz, Managing Editor Abigail Koffler, Digital Director Margot Halpern, Design Editor Sarah Tse, Photo Editor


Ryan Zahalka, Food and Drink Cassandra Kyriazis, Film and TV Casey Quackenbush, Film and TV Michelle Ma, Features Zacchiaus McKee, Features Ariela Osuna, Music Lucy Hovanisyan, Music Ciara Stein, Arts Molly Collett, Arts Emma Soren, Lowbrow Patrick Del Valle, Lowbrow Emily Johns, Copy Clare Lombardo, Copy Justin Sheen, Copy

Alyssa Berlin, Web Producer Katie Hartman, Web Producer Giulia Imholte, Web Producer Lauren Greenberg, Social Media Sophia Fischler-Gottfried, Assistant Social Media Rosa Escandon, Multimedia COVER DESIGN: Margot Halpern BACKPAGE DESIGN: Byrne Fahey

Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Chloe Bower, Editor–in–Chief, at You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. VISIT OUR WEB SITE: "Frodo, put your penis back in" ©2014 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday


Welcome Back Meh List 1. Academic integrity 2. “How was your break?” 3. Reading syllabi aloud 4. Low alcohol tolerance 5. Walking into VP for the first time 6. Meeting with your adviser 7. Add/Drop period 8. Those big cardboard carts 9. Class board welcoming you back 10. Catered info sessions


wordonthestreet NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS






THEROUNDUP Well, well, well. You may be thinking new year, new you, but Highbrow resolves to bring the gossip 2K14 times harder, juicier and dirtier. So fasten your fur–hooded jackets, kittens, it’s going to be a delicious ride. First things first: Penn is dankrupt. As in, we are fresh out of Colombia’s finest...and no, we’re not talking about Theta rushes. Highbrow hears that our hallowed Ivy League school is suffering from the worst weed shortage since last year’s weed shortage. The bongs are dry once again. Why does this keep happening? Does Amy Gutmann know about this? Potato famine, you’re officially second–tier. Though the ganja has left the building, one AXO still had fun at an off–campus party. After doing body shots off of a scantily–clad guest (read: female stripper), the frat star proceeded to make out with Magic Michelle. Rumor has it that their tryst was broken up by a fire alarm, yet the stripper and her posse refused to evacuate. As the saying goes, strippers can’t say no to an AXO. But they can say no to federal building restrictions. One sceney freshman felt a similar pain of rejection. With a Tabard bid on the horizon, the downtown diva withdrew herself from the inferiority that is formal sorority recruitment. Unfortunately, Tabard withdrew her from their freshman pledge class. Oh, our furry-vested friend, didn’t you learn in prep school not to count your Cartier Love bracelets before they hatch? Cheer up—at least you can pack your own lunchbox. In a shocking plot twist, the brothers of SAE employed Drexel girls as a rush tactic. At SAE’s annual golf night, the Drexelites hosted their own room. However, the bros’ logic was justified, seeing as the Dragonettes breathed more than just fire—giving blow–jays to the SAE rushes. I suppose we could say they scored a hole in one...

over heard PENN at

Penn publication editor: Who wrote this, an immigrant? Girl: Oh, I got hepatitis in Mexico but it’s ok, it was the good kind. Frat bro on phone: My friend wants to go with you to his date night. He’s a great looking kid, great in bed...he’d settle for a blow job. Dude in Allegro: You don’t look like Justin Beiber. Justin Beiber is my idol. You are not my idol. Betch 1: Omg they bought a frat bunny! Betch 2: When it dies I’ll take its fur.

Eat something for lunch other than a bagel from Mark’s/ No more sex in cabs/ Finally get with the boys on the Radian 14th floor/ Tell my thesis advisor what I really think of her/ Have sex in the bathroom of all four campus bars/ Stop farting in public/ Understand foreskin/ Stop hooking up with guys I can’t stand/ Stop pretending not to know people on Locust/ Be less bitchy to my mother/ Stop apologizing so much/ Use one weight machine at Pottruck without embarrassing and injuring myself (or others)/ Actually remember all the fun I have when I wake up the next morning/ Skinny dip in the Schuylkill/ Learn how to walk in heels/ Do something for someone else every day/ Know what is going on in the world beyond Penn/ Go to an Elmo naked party... naked this time/ Start working out during the mornings/ Stop walking from Starbucks to Van Pelt to Williams back to Starbucks looking for a place to study/ Stop walking around aimlessly in general/ Stop trying to run into that single person on Locust/ Cook more meals at home/ TEAR DOWN THE PATRIARCHY/Make THEOS irrelevant/ Ensure that the Wizard of Farts graduates so his power never sees Locust Walk again/ Stop only dating Jewish boys/ Stop hooking up with boys in the same lineage/ Stop reading CollegiateACB/ Get fucked in the ass more (or is that not highbrow enough?)/ Be fucking happy/ Have sex with a TA/ Learn that pizza isn’t a reliable friend/ Find someone to treat my tender boy pussy the right way/ Stop saying “You too” to the woman at Commons who tells me to have a good dinner/ Get gayer #nohetero/ Tell him my favorite part of the night is when he hugs me goodbye/ Get APES kicked off campus... oh wait/ Pee on Ben Franklin and not get arrested/ Take a full piss without hitting the rim or floor once/ NO MORE INSOMNIA COOKIES/ Wear my Greek letters more often/ Finally get with the boy I’ve liked since NSO freshman year/ Destroy more egos by not faking orgasms anymore/ Stop using people as social experiments/ Get head every time I give head/ Enjoy being able-bodied and young/ Read one book per week/ Eat more green things/ Don’t get ice cream after EVERY run/ Stop accidentally sending dick snapchats to my aunt/ Not pay for cheats on Candy Crush/ Cut down on my Tinder use/ Never set foot in Pike again/ Make out with a closeted frat guy at Smokes’/ Develop a consistent morning routine/ Have something that at least resembles a real relationship/ Smoke less pot and snort less cocaine/ Learn to not determine my self–worth in relation to other people/ Not accidentally make out with a 55-year-old again/ Give less fucks/ Floss. Like, for real this time/ Be better moisturized/ Finally tell the sushi people at Houston that I’m in love with them/ Stop buying overpriced snacks from the vending machines in Huntsman/Grow boobs.

J A N U A R Y 2 3 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E




This Whartonite is in the business of funny: he’s a Mask and Wig cast member and serves on the exec board for the Performing Arts Council (PAC). When he’s not admiring Hugh Grant or entertaining the masses, he’s probably suspended upside down in mid-air. Street: So we hear you can float upside down in mid– air, is that true? Chirag Pathre: Yeah, I can. But I can only float if people turn around. But I can definitely flip upside down and land again. Street: Can you demonstrate? CP: Sure! [Ed. note: he did. Check it out online.] Street: What do you do for Mask and Wig? CP: I did a lot of musical theater in high school, so I love performing. I do a lot of dancing now—I somehow ended up being the guy that helps choreograph all the stuff that we do. I love writing too, so I end up writing a lot of the songs. I’m not that good at writing dialogue. Street: If Mask and Wig had a mascot, who would it be?

CP: If you know Danny Rodriguez, in last year’s show he played this character called Pantso. He was this crazy, Zorro–like character who runs around and just pantsed everyone to create liberty and justice in the world. He’d be a good one. Street: What was your favorite role over the years? CP: Sophomore year I played this character called Wendel in this medieval show, and he was a hip–hop parody character in medieval times. He had a mullet. And he had a big sundial instead of a clock around his neck, and I would rap my lines. There was a rap battle at the end of the show, which was pretty awesome. Street: Tell us the most scandalous thing you did over winter break. CP: Wow, well I watched all of “Scandal,” the TV show. It’s

really addicting. It’s really fast ing one. There’s that line in it where the younger sister tells paced. I watched it all. him, because he’s doing bad in Street: Which romantic com- a competition, “I need to give edy describes your life the you some advice.” She’s like, “Just. Do. Better!” And then he best? CP: Anything with Hugh nails it. Grant in it. He’s just so smooth. “Music and Lyrics!” Street: Give us two truths and Like I’m an old '80s pop guy a lie. who shakes his hips for young- CP: I visited Paris but didn’t see the Eiffel Tower, the last movie er ladies. I watched was Frozen and I Street: If you could drink sleep with one eye open. with anyone in history, who Street: Um...we want to say would it be and why? CP: Charlie Chaplin. He’s just the Paris one, but how do you a crazy character in general. sleep with one eye open? He was, like, the world’s most CP: No, that’s true. I have a famous and rich man, but he keratoconus, which is like a played a poor person all the pointed eyeball thing, so my time. There must have been eye doesn’t close all the way. something really cool about It’s not fully open, but it’s a bit open. Just my one eye. him. Street: What is your favorite Disney Channel Original Movie? CP: “Brink.” It’s a roller skat-

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3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 3 , 2 01 4

Street: So what was the lie? CP: Frozen. It wasn’t the last movie I watched, but the one before that. Street: What will you be doing on this day in 10 years? CP: Hopefully producing a show or a movie. It’d be a faking of the moon landing, but when they decide that they need to fake it, they hire a director to film it all, but instead they hire a musical director who puts on a big musical.







Junior: Grow a pair and put on a coat.

Sophomore: Is it bad if I dress up as a boy to go frat hopping for free food?

Sophomore: I don’t even know the punishment for a rush infraction…I honestly don’t know what a rush infraction is.


Sophomore: What is sorority rush? Like, what is your SAT score? How many Ugg boots do you own?

Freshman: I just got really high and went to a ton of different frats to get the food.

Junior: Girls can get punished for breaking rules during rush? What’s their punishment...they have to have even more awkward conversations?



Junior Boy: The rush process is unfair for women on campus as it turns meeting sororities and learning about house cultures into an intense recruiting process where you are selling yourself rather than being yourself. [Ed. note: Cool it, Lady Gaga]

Sophomore Boy: Oh, I’ve definitely pretended to rush to get a free meal.

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Junior Girl: Unless you’re throwing a girl out a window or smacking her in the face, who cares?


The fun of a furry friend, without the responsibility! The Frat Possum: This pint–sized creep loves to slink around outside the Locust frat houses, stalking residents and gnawing on beer bottles. He’s definitely a shy one, not to be petted or photographed, but don’t take his introversion for timidBest trick: Infiltrating your ity. Often found scampering nightmares around outside the St. Elmo Eats: Your trash is his treabasement, all this little guy sure really wants is to get his face Where it sleeps: Inside your painted. kegs

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GRAMMY DRINKING GAMES Whether you’re holed up in Huntsman or having a sofa cuddle sesh with your Sunday night hookup, the 56th Annual GRAMMY Awards give us a chance to pull out the Chardonnay. Bankers and Natty Light also acceptable. 1. Take a shot if TAYLOR SWIFT drops one of her dozens of Grammy awards a la 2010.

2. Drink, refill and repeat whenever tweenage songstress/Lizard Queen LORDE wins anything.

3. Drink anytime anyone mentions “MUSIC’S BIGGEST NIGHT.” 4. Take two shots anytime EMINEM’S cussing is bleeped. 5. Finish your drink when Alicia Keys or Kelly Clarkson TEAR UP during their acceptance speeches.

6. Chug drink when HOSTS OR PRESENTERS FLIRT with each other. 7. Jay–Z SELF–PROMOTES on stage. Drink. Refill. Repeat. 8. Refill your drink when Katy Perry or Lady Gaga does an OUTFIT CHANGE. 9. Whenever Rihanna FLIPS OFF a camera, take a shot. 10. Finish your drink anytime you think: “_______ IS STILL DOING MUSIC?” (eg. Mick Jagger, David Bowie)


The Trustees’ Council of Penn Women (TCPW) is pleased to announce its 2014-2015 Grants Program and encourages members of the University community to apply. Grants ranging between $1,000-$5,000 will be available to individuals or organizations which promote: • women’s issues • the quality of undergraduate and graduate life for women • the advancement of women • the physical, emotional and psychological well-being of women Favorable consideration will be given to projects that: • affect a broad segment of the University population • foster a greater awareness of women’s issues • provide seed money for pilot programs that have the potential to become ongoing self-supporting programs To apply, visit the TCPW website at and download the application from the TCPW Grant web page. Applications must be submitted no later than February 14, 2014. Awards will be announced in the Spring of 2014 and funds will be distributed in July/August 2014 for projects in the 2014-2015 academic year.


3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E J A N U A R Y 2 3 , 2 01 4


“FADING WEST” Switchfoot In middle school, they told us that we were meant to live for so much more, and sitting in the back seats of our mothers’ sedans, we believed them. A decade later, this Christian pop–rock band has yet to take its own advice. Leaving behind slow, guitar–led melodies for refined, upbeat bass lines, the San Diego band has reverted to washed–out mainstream melodies that bring the lyrics of another familiar song to mind: “I Dare You To Move.” Songs like “Saltwater Heart” further emphasize abstract feelings of hope, preaching faith over synthesizers and drum loops for a try–hard, uncharacteristic sound. 2003 Switchfoot was fine in comparison; this album is the real “Beautiful Letdown.” LUCY HOVANISYAN Grade: D Download: “Who We Are” Sounds best when: Hating yourself for declaring a science major


Young The Giant

Aside from breakout singles “Cough Syrup” and “My Body,” Young the Giant’s 2010 debut album was far from noteworthy. The commercial indie sound had its spotlight on the radio but failed to impress elsewhere. In their sophomore album, “Mind Over Matter,” the Southern Californian band finally seems to have found its voice. If you’re looking for a follow–up to radio– friendly “My Body,” you might not be satisfied. No more predictable song progressions or catchy choruses. While standout track “Crystallized” is both pleasant and accessible, the album's true merit is in its more intimate moments, like in “Camera.” With jazz influences and introspective lyrics, “Mind Over Matter” brings singer Sameer Ghadia’s silvery vocals to the forefront. The album’s shift to more synth driven sound and varied musical structures attests to the band’s maturation. ARIELA OSUNA

Grade: B+ Download: “Paralysis” Sounds best when: enjoying la grosse matinee on a snow day


HAIKU REVIEWS Roses are red / Violets are blue / We know you like verses / So read these haikus.

“BEYONCE” Beyonce Thought Sasha was fierce? Until you licked those skittles Who runs the world? Bey.

“DIRTY GOLD” Angel Haze New lady MC Will be “April’s Fool” for you, But not for abuse

“BECAUSE THE INTERNET” Childish Gambino Respect his art of confession on loneliness, fear and depression

Grade: A Download: “Mine” Sounds best when: Returning inebriated from a pantless party Grade: B Download: “Sing About Me” Sounds best when: Finally getting to those (overly ambitious) new years resolutions at Pottruck Grade: BDownload: “V. 3005” Sounds best when: Walking down Spruce after your gray–area girlfriend officially dumps you LUCY HOVANISYAN

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HIDDEN GEMS Grammy Edition

“Music’s biggest night” (take a drink) seems to be all about the radio– abused mainstream jams. In the spirit of fairness, here are some selections from nominated artists that aren't criminally overplayed. Sorry "Wake Me Up," everyone is over it. James Blake Nomination: Best New Artist Download: “40455” With renowned hits like “Limit To Your Love” and “Life Round Here,” this new neo–jazz gem digs deep into our hearts. Lana Del Rey Nomination: Best Pop Vocal Album Download: “The Man I Love” Allow Lana’s sweet vocals to deliver goose bumps down your body in one of her most impassioned songs to date. Kanye West Nomination: Best Rap Album Download: “White Dress” A predecessor to the empowering tracks we know from “Yeezus,” this hidden gem offers a more soulful backdrop to Kanye’s usual pointed lyrics.

Jack White Nomination: Best Rock Performance Download: “Weep Themselves to Sleep” A celebratory anthem with a fiery bass solo, this 2012 song delivers the riotous post–punk elements that got this art school rocker nominated in the first place. Kendrick Lamar Nomination: Best Rap Performance Download:“HiiiPower” In preaching the value of a rich mind and spirit while addressing issues of race and politics, Kendrick pushes for a movement to revive morality and reminds us to leave a positive footprint on humanity. Also, he knows you want this DICK.


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of the week If you're looking for boobs and blockbusters, look to the theaters. If you're looking for real black and white substance, look to the past. This week's pick: The Philadelphia Story “The Philadelphia Story,” a 1940 romantic comedy starring Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart (three of the only 10 old movie stars you or I could name) is as classic as classic gets. The film follows the romantic hijinks of Tracy Lord, a young Philadelphia socialite juggling three suitors...all on the weekend of her second marriage. Lord is played by the legendary Hepburn, who could offer us all some serious pant suit inspiration during these trying OCR times. Moreover, she gives Philadelphia an air of regality in the movie, all the while making audiences laugh. The film is brilliantly witty, as Hepburn attempts to field the advances of both her ex–husband C.K. Dexter Haven (played by the suave Grant) and a reporter (the dashing Stewart) sent to cover her wedding to bachelor George Kittredge. Beyond its funny dialogue, this story of socialites has a revealing angle about classism in general. It’s an important plot point that Hepburn’s nouveau riche fiancee is pitted against her old money ex–husband. Additionally, Stewart’s status as a lowly reporter has audiences sure he couldn’t possibly be the suitor Hepburn chooses. In the realm of OCR and beyond, life at Penn rings with classist undertones. The University, with its vast financial aid arsenal, prides itself on class diversity. With so many socioeconomic classes in one place, tension is impossible to avoid. From campus groups that recruit by zip code to programs that specifically cater to the underprivileged, class can define a person’s life at Penn. While this 1940 classic may not have computers or Kardashian jokes, its depictions of status resonate today. Fortunately for those not seeking to scrutinize society, the film is still plenty of fun and Hepburn, as always, is a strong female protagonist for whom you can’t help but root. It’s nothing short of a triumph, and worth watching for each of its 112 minutes. Catch it on Amazon or Google Play for $1.99, or rent it for ~free~ from our very own Van Pelt Library. CASSANDRA KYRIAZIS


When One's Company Two's a Crowd Being a college student means being part of a hive. We spend a lot of time living communally, forced to cohabitate with little to no sense of personal space, surrounded by classmates, roommates, hallmates and sometimes one-night bedmates. We eat in dining halls, study in libraries, party in frat houses and fall asleep in dorm rooms. Perhaps because it’s so uncommon, when we actually find ourselves completely and utterly alone, it feels wrong. But it shouldn’t. It should feel like a gift, one that we give ourselves when we need it the most. When Penn the carnivorous monster replaces Penn the dream school, it’s time to get away. Leaving Penn doesn’t have to mean following the overused adage “Explore the city!” deployed by well-meaning people ignorant of our burdensome workloads and limited means of transportation. It can be as easy as walking a mile, finding an empty bench, and claiming it as your own for ten minutes. Sometimes, that’s all you need. Here are three benches, waiting for your company, your thoughts and the warmth of your butt. Have a seat.

“Are you ok?” “I’m fine.” “You’re crying on a park bench.” “I’m fine.” “OK.” That was the exact interaction I had 45 minutes following hearing my grandfather had passed away. I got a voicemail after leaving class, and just walked until I was sitting on a Love Park bench. I didn’t plan it. I just found myself there. I cried so hard I threw up. I never did have the strongest constitution. “What’s wrong?” “I’m fine, I just want to be alone.” Another person. I was grateful for the concern, really, but talking about it felt impossible. Being alone isn’t really about being alone. When I say I want to be alone it’s usually because I want to be so far outside of myself that I forget everything about my own life. I become invested in everything around me, every insignificant unimportant detail. He missed a button, she didn’t recycle that bottle, his shoe is coming untied. I couldn’t be around people right then—my friends, my roommates, people who would have cared about me and helped me. Sometimes living in a big city like Philadelphia is taken for granted. You can disappear for a few hours without anyone really noticing or questioning where you’ve been. There will always be people around, but there’s comfort in crowded solitude. “Why are you crying?” “Please, I’m fine.” It was this couple. They started arguing as they walked away from me. “I told you we shouldn’t have bothered him,” he said. “I was just trying to be polite.” She sneezed. He didn’t say bless you. It was such a small moment, but sitting on that bench was defining for my time at Penn. “Getting out of the Penn bubble” is such a cliché, but since that day, I try to venture off downtown alone at least every other week. It’s not about seeing the sights or finding new places. It’s about going somewhere, anywhere, where Penn isn’t constantly invading your life. Where classes and rush and clubs and planning BYOs aren’t incessant and consuming. And it’s about doing it by yourself so you can forget about all of that. Penn isn’t forever. I sat on that bench for two hours. Eventually I got up and walked back to campus. I had a meeting. But it was nice to know that that bench would still be waiting for me when I wanted to come back and be alone. ‘Cause I’m fine. ZACCHIAUS MCKEE J A N U A R Y 2 3 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E




Last spring, after dropping off a disposable camera at the 43rd and Locust CVS (the only location that continues to develop them), I found myself removed from the center of campus with a full hour left before my next class. I was eager to flip through pictures from a series of hazy nights, but they wouldn’t be ready until that evening. I debated texting friends in a scramble to make hurried lunch plans, or heading to Williams an unnecessary forty minutes early, but I decided instead to grab lunch by myself at Honest Tom’s. It was a particularly sunny spring day, which, being a California girl, I thrive upon, so I ventured to Clark Park on Baltimore to enjoy my steak and yucca burrito. The central picnic area, with neon orange chairs and tables dispersed throughout, was bustling and full, so I settled on one of the classic wooden park benches. It was uncomfortable at first: I was hyper aware of my positioning, how neatly I was eating and my solitude. But as I looked around, I realized that other park–goers hardly even noticed me. There was a woman doing yoga in the shade of a tree, a couple strolling along the path, deep in conversation and a group of men huddled around an intense game of chess. For one of few times I can pinpoint, I was neither with friends, in a meeting or immersed in some homework assignment during my lunch break. Committed to my overflowing burrito (a task requiring both hands), I barely even checked my phone to look busy or like I was waiting for a friend. I took in my surroundings, chuckling at a dog chasing his tail and some squirrels hustling about. It gave me a different sense of accomplishment than finishing a paper—it was a personal day. When I eventually made my way to class, walking down the idyllic Osage Avenue, I felt refreshed from my unexpected detour. We boast on campus tours that we have an urban campus, but many fail to take advantage of the community directly surrounding Penn that gives it that distinction. We leave Van Pelt and Huntsman only to trudge to DRL, and rarely go the same distance for non–school work. Instead we obsess over schedules and midterms, and convince ourselves there’s no time for anything else. It may be controversial to say amidst the seasonal Penn porn that overwhelms our Instagram feeds, but our small campus can become repetitive and stifling (not to mention competitively stressful). Beyond 41st Street there are cafes, thrift shops, ample residential streets to discover that offer respite—if you can break away. Surfacing from my own overwhelming stream of commitments allowed me to clear my head and for once, relax. It may sound simple, but when was the last time you saved some free time for yourself, sober, just to think? As soon as the weather becomes less unbearably cold and wintery I’ll be back for more afternoons in Clark Park...only 56 days until spring. NICOLE MALICK

You know that feeling of not knowing what to do with your hands? Being alone often comes with that feeling...but extended to the whole body. Thankfully, there are these things called books which solve the hands issue. They also do a lot more, like assuage or provoke angst, inspire, uplift, you know, that sort of thing. “9 Stories” by J.D. Salinger “Infinite Jest” by David Foster Wallace “The Invention of Morel” by Adolfo Bioy Casares “Invisible Cities” by Italo Calvino

How to talk to strangers

“The History of Love” by Nicole Krauss “Persepolis” by Marjane Satrapi “The Phantom Tollbooth” by Norton Juster “In Cold Blood” by Truman Capote

Ask for a light. Even if you don’t smoke, this is the easiest way to start a conversation naturally without it feeling forced. Don’t worry, just don’t inhale. Try to catch his or her eye. Okay, it might be hard to do

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The real world isn’t like the cafeteria in “Mean Girls.” You don’t have to go sit in the bathroom with your lunch tray. Especially not in Philadelphia. We may not have nice taxi drivers or always sunny weather, but we do have tons of cool restaurants where it’s okay to sit by yourself and order a sandwich. Really, it’s okay.

Within four blocks of Clark Park: Milk and Honey (4435 Baltimore Ave.) Gold Standard Cafe (4800 Baltimore Ave.) Honest Tom’s (261 S. 44th St.) Lil’ Pop Shop, (265 S. 44th St.) Weekly Farmers’ Market (@ Clark Park on Thursdays)

this without appearing creepy, but if you accompany it with a smile, who knows? The worst that can happen is they don’t smile back. Start with a compliment. “I like your watch” is a good one, and, who knows? It

Within four blocks of the LOVE Park: Amuse (1421 Arch St.) 10 Arts Bistro (10 S. Broad St.) Tir Na Nog (1600 Arch St.) Con Murphy’s (1700 Benjamin Franklin Parkway) The Cow and the Curd (@ LOVE Park)

might be a family heirloom with a cool backstory. If they have headphones on, ask what they’re listening to. You could be the Zooey Deschanel to their Joseph Gordon–Levitt. You make my dreams come true.

Within four blocks of the dog park: Fitler Dining Room (2201 Spruce St.) Cafe Lutecia (2301 Lombard St.) Mama Palma’s Gourmet Pizza (2229 Spruce St.) Gavin’s Cafe (2536 Pine St.)

Old City: Take the Market– Frankford line eastbound from 40th Street to 2nd Street. Time: 30 minutes Fishtown: Take the Market– Frankford line eastbound from 40th Street to Girard station. Time: 32 minutes

I got a dog because I was sick of college. I was sick of jungle juice and Friday nights, weird sleeping hours and the sound of high rise elevators. My favorite part of the morning was taking my fat, black sharpie and crossing the day off my Edward Hopper calendar. I would look at the picture of the month—August was Nighthawks—and wish I were there instead, smoking a cigarette out of a long, thin cigarette holder and breathing it out slowly into the dimly lit diner. Instead, I was drinking jungle juice. Cigarettes are bad for you, so instead I got a small male pug with perfect wrinkles and an undescended testicle. I named him Frodo after Elijah Wood, whose eyes I find very pug–like. Frodo was, and still is, a great dog. He leaves the occasional poop gift on my carpet, and he really likes the taste of trash, but he cuddles better than all of the world’s boyfriends put together and makes me forget I’m drowning under a pile of unfinished essays and awkward lunch dates. He basically saved me, and so I do what I can to make it up to him, which mostly consists of feeding him toys filled with peanut butter and taking him to the dog park. The dog park in question is on the Center City side of the Schuylkill. It’s part of a larger park where Philadelphia schoolchildren run around and older kids play basketball under chain–link hoops. The first time we went was a Monday afternoon fall semester. I had skipped my only class of the day, for no reason other than apathy, and I was sick of seeing Jimmy Johns wrappers on the floor of my kitchen and hearing the ever–thumping bassline emanating through the thin walls from the frat next door. So Frodo and I walked to 25th and Spruce, past the community garden filled with flowers and herbs, and through the double gates of the dog park, where my companion was promptly relieved of his leash and released into the fray. I, on the other hand, don’t have the same feelings for astroturf as my dog, so I sat down on an empty bench and watched him play. For the first time that semester, I found myself transported away from Penn. Women in sensible cold weather gear and bearded men with coffees in–hand stood around talking in soft, comfortable voices as their dogs ran around their legs and under benches, nipping at each other’s ears. Sitting there watching them, I felt as if I were just another person living in the city, and not a college student passing time in the school across the river. A ratty, wet tennis ball rolled towards me, and I picked it up. I made eye contact with the panting Shiba Inu in front of me, and I threw it as hard as I could. MICHELLE MA

Italian Market: Take the Market–Frankford line eastbound from 40th Street to 8th Street, then take the 47 bus southbound to Washington Avenue. Time: 35 minutes Northern Liberties: Take the Market–Frankford line

eastbound from 40th Street to the Spring Garden station. Time: 31 minutes Manayunk: Take the Market– Frankford line eastbound to 15th Street, then take either the 27 or 32 bus to Manayunk. Time: 56 minutes

Selfie Tips

If you're going to venture out alone, you might as well document it. God forbid you ask someone to take your picture.

Lighting – Lighting is the number one way to make yourself look better in a selfie. Ignore the harsh fluorescent lighting of SEPTA and opt for the natural lighting when you get off. And always avoid backlighting. Camera – Never (seriously never) use the front camera on your phone. You might think it’d be easier to make yourself look how you want, but the lower resolution will just make you blurry. Use the right angle – While the above shot may make you look like you’re on MySpace circa 2008, finding the right angle will always make your selfies more glamorous. Use the background – Sure, a picture of your beautiful face is cool, but you know what’s better? A picture of your beautiful face with an awesome, interesting backdrop. Philly has some of the most beautiful places to make your selfie come alive. Chose the right filter – Natch. Any appropriate filter will enhance whatever situation is going on. Be yourself – It’s your selfie, do whatever you want as long as you love the way you look.

Too embarrassed to be spotted at the Rave by yourself? These theaters in Philly usually offer smaller crowds and more independent films mixed in with the blockbuster hits. Pick one, buy some popcorn, and treat yo‘self.

Landmark Ritz East (125 S. 2nd St.) Pearl Theatre at Avenue North (1600 N. Broad St.) Landmark Ritz at the Bourse (400 Ranstead St.) United Artists Riverview Plaza (1400 S. Christopher Columbus Blvd.)

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Jonah Hill's fake white teeth.


Quaaludes. Shoot for a "near death but still feeling invincible" state of mind


Like to set money on fire.


"I'm not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect."


Wharton has been right all along, money can indeed buy you happiness.



Amy Adams' boobies.

Baxter, the dog.

Whatever Bradley Cooper is on for the entirety of the film.


Enjoy titty-twisting and plot-twisting in equal measure.

Own an Americathemed frat tank.

"And you know that I would never say anything bad about your father in front of you, but your father is a sick sonof-a bitch."

"Don't just have a great night, have an American night."

Alas, sequels are still as disappointing as you always thought they were.

Atlantic City is never a good idea.

Does this look better in Valencia or Toaster?

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Didn't have time to catch all the award hopefuls over break? No worries, we've got the essentials. You'll be cracking jokes and over–tweeting with the best of 'em come Oscar night.



Taylor Kitsch (aka Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights), but really every man in uniform is sexy.

Idris Elba because Idris Elba is the sexiest character in every movie he is in.

HER Our brains are telling us ScarJo's voice, but our hearts are telling us Joaquin's mustache. The sweet voice of your lovely girlfr—oops, digital assistant­—Siri.

Spend more time in Towne than in your own dorm. "You are part man and part woman. Like there's an inner part that's woman."


"Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing. Moderation is for cowards."

High-waisted pants are the new black.

See above quote.

Are trying to impress a hot Africana Studies grad student. "When a man is denied the right to live the life he believes in, he has no choice but to become an outlaw.” (This is an actual Nelson Mandela quote but shh it counts.) Torture, prison, and apartheid are hard, but marriage is way harder.

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Alternatives to greek life and Greek Lady Leave Frat Row for Center City Mediterranean 1127 Pine St. (215) 592-8333 $$

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Effie’s If you want a step up from your average BYO, head to Effie’s. In warm weather, check out the outdoor patio and carriage house. Be sure to try the Greek salad ($10.50) and the lamb soulvaki ($18.50). Estia Estia is perfect if your parents come visit or you just want to splurge. Order the lamb chops ($38)—which are marinated for over three days in olive oil, lemon and fresh herbs—or the grilled octopus ($18). Opa Opa puts a modern, trendy spin on Greek fare with a wide selection of small plates, but the real draw is the beer garden out back. Order the mussels ($10) and grab a Xinouli ($11)­­—a Greek take on the margarita—at the bar.

Inside the Kitchen at Kanella

Owner and head chef Konstantinos Pitsillides shares his insights into building an authentic and personal dining experience. Street: You’re from Cyprus and you bill Kanella as a Greek Cypriot restaurant. What are the differences between mainland Greek and Greek Cypriot food? Konstantinos Pitsillides: Cypriot cuisine is much more aromatic. There’s a heavy use of flavorful spices and herbs like cumin and coriander. Our food is also influenced by other Mediterranean cultures—French, Italian, Turkish, Middle Eastern. This sausage I’m wrapping in filo dough right now, it’s a lamb merguez sausage. Very North African. Street: Are these sausages made in house? KS: Yes, everything we serve out there is made from scratch. It’s important to have full control over everything going into the dishes we make. Like the

lamb for the merguez sausages, we usually order the full animal. That gives us a lot more control. It also lets us get creative using the parts and pieces of the animal that aren’t usually featured on a menu. Street: Fried lamb tongue seems to have gained a foothold on your menu. What other parts of the animal do you like to incorporate? KS: I grew up using all parts of the animal, and we do the same thing here. My grandma used to give me as a snack boiled calf ’s brain spread on toast. Tomorrow we’re having a special that I’m excited for: ox heart soup. We have some fresh, high quality hearts and I think they’ll turn out well. The hearts can be very flavorful, but they’re tricky to get right. And they’re also very big. Street: Do you usually try to source other ingredients, like produce, locally? KS: Yes, as much as possible. Keeping the menu seasonal

helps a lot because there’s usually a great local selection of quality produce. All our meats and poultry are also sourced from free range farms that raise the animals naturally, without the antibiotics and all that. Things like spices are harder to source locally but can still be found very fresh. The smaller Indian stores and spice shops in Center City are especially good places to find quality spices. Street: What’s your philosophy for continuing innovation while staying true to authentic Cypriot cooking? KS: Well, for me it’s easy. I grew up surrounded by the Greek Cypriot culinary culture. It’s trying to teach it and the Cypriot palate to these ones [jokingly gestures to his two assistant chefs]. But yes, the philosophy is to keep up a consistently high quality for everything that comes out of here while also taking risks and doing new things, like with the ox heart, and


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FUN FACT: Alpha Phi and APES share a chef who's sharing his recipes at 34ST.COM things like cod cheeks and ox tail. Also, everything I cook is something I would eat at home myself—authentic and hearty, not tailored specifically to be a restaurant dish. Street: The prix-fix Cypriot meze (a selection of small dishes) you offer on Sundays is different every week. What kind of experience should we expect? KS: The Cypriot meze is a very communal experience, something especially great to enjoy with family and friends. Every Sunday, I cook up two sets of about 12 to 14 small dishes,

KANELLA 1001 Spruce St. (215) 922-1773 $$$$$ one vegetarian ($30) and one with meat and fish ($35), that are served a few at a time. Even though there is a pattern to the types of foods served in a meze, I get to exercise my creativity and give a unique experience for the diners. The meze is also my favorite because it’s very personal. The diners are my guests, and it’s like I’m cooking a nice Sunday meal for friends in my own home.

Feta Fetish

There are three brands of feta at Fresh Grocer. We ate them all. Athenos Feta Cheese ($0.99/oz) The name and packaging might call to mind rugged green pastures and friendly Greek shepherds, but the gleaming steel of a Kraft Foods subsidiary cheese factory in Wisconsin would be a bit more accurate. And the feta reflects this—the texture is consistently adequate, but like the other cow–milk fetas, it lacks the tang of sheep’s or goat’s milk cheese. ShopRite Feta Cheese ($0.50/oz) With the taste of wet salt and the texture of dry playdough, ShopRite’s feta is probably more apt for preserving fish than topping a salad. Boar’s Head Feta Cheese ($0.37/oz) While cheaper than ShopRite’s, Boar’s Head’s offering is actually recognizable as feta. The taste is something close to what you’d get from a dining hall salad line—flavorful enough to get the job done, but still vaguely unsatisfying. J A N U A R Y 2 3 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 5


REVIEW: “ECO + FASHION,” CITY HALL ART GALLERY From credit cards to bike chains to moss, ECO + FASHION at the Art Gallery at City Hall pushes the limits of what materials can be used in fashion. The pieces, designed by 18 Philadelphia–based artists, address the issues of sustainability and environmentalism in wearable (and not–so–wearable) art. Organized through the Art in City Hall program, the works will be on display through February 28th, 2014. Many of the pieces incorporate found objects, recontextualizing everyday materials into art. Lauren Marsella highlights the contentious relationship between consumerism and

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sustainability in a pair of earrings resembling the American flag, made using credit cards. Marsella writes in the piece's description, “credit cards make convenient our impulse to consume and eventually discard, so that ingrained pattern can be halted by simply cutting them up.” In her work, Marsella collects odds and ends of contemporary culture and repurposes them into jewelry. In addition to credit cards, she has worked with currency and bullets. The exhibition also includes works by Philadelphia Dumpster Divers, a group of more than 40 Philadelphia artists

and collectors who have worked with found materials for more than two decades. Artist Ellen Benson views her clothing as a form of self-expression: “One of the great things about being an artist is that you can dress outrageously, colorfully, outlandishly, crazily—and it’s encouraged or even expected, especially because I am a Dumpster diva/member of the Philadelphia Dumpster Divers!” Her works in the show are certainly outlandish, composed of patches of different materials, including denim and flannel. The show primarily consists of dresses, including Kendal Wilkins’ Cycle Crinoline. The Victorian–inspired piece is an intricate combination of bike parts, wire, screen door and tomato cages. The transformation from utility to beauty calls into question how we view the world around us. Another notable piece is Natalia Zuk’s “Moss Dress.” The live moss wrapping around the dress makes the garment seem as though it has a life of its own. The moss can be re–grown and replenished—the dress itself is a sustainable piece of nature. The exhibition, while small, inspires the viewer to contemplate how they get dressed in the morning. When I wake up, I usually ask my roommates questions like, “Does this match?” or “Which shirt looks better?” When I think of clothing, the environment is far from my mind. However, as the eco–market grows, questions on materials, working conditions, and energy consumption in production should be at the forefront of designers’ minds. That being said, I don’t think I will be diving into dumpsters anytime soon. CIARA STEIN

: SHIRT MAKEOVER You’ll Need: Old Shirt (preferably one that has sat in your closet unworn for a while) Studs Scissors Ruler Chalk/Charcoal




Rule a line using the charcoal from the base of the neckline straight across the shirt.


Remove alternating strips.

LT Verrastro

Attach the strips in a crisscross pattern using the studs. Be sure to secure the studs at the back.


Cut lines lines vertically from the drawn line to the hemline. Each line should be roughly ½ inch apart.


Repeat for the other side, and then you’re done! You now have a new shirt to add to your wardrobe!

"Deep down, the written word connects all the arts together."

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Lowbrow knows you probably haven’t gotten around to writing your thank you notes from the holidays, so we thought you could use ours as inspiration. You’re welcome.

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highbrow ego food & drink film feature music arts lowbrow







movie fixes. Here’s what we learned. BY ANTHONY KHAYKIN Allison:


Welcome back. We're still fake (,) bitches. Don't believe anything we say. Look how skinny this house ad is ;-*

In honor of the Class of 2014’s last semester at Penn, we decided to revisit our favorite freshman superlative winners Filmprofile polledpictures you to were find out you are getting yournever Sunday afternoon from their first semester here. Luckily, plenty of their still how public. Some people just learn. hough we all know the watch Hugo in theaters. And we you guess then that Penn stuInternet is for porn fit this mold of overworked Ivy dents would prefer to get their (thanks Avenue Q), the League students well, with only RomCom fix online with free bedroom is no longer the only about 17% of Penn undergrads streaming websites like SideReel area being ceded to digital terri- watching movies at the Rave ev- and Ch131 rather than pay for tory. For every girl with daddy’s ery semester. services provided by Netflix and AmEx, window browsing on But how about the other ste- Redbox? Fifth Avenue has been replaced reotype, the one that says all colWhile 75% of us watch movwith online shopping. And lege students are poor? The free ies online, nearly 50% pay for FYEs everywhere have virtu- movement of information made it. I hear Horrible Bosses — a ally been rendered useless (pun possible by the interweb makes new release on iTunes — is hysThen:theMiss “Welcome to My Now: Glad to see you still think Then: Yea! And it’ll get even Now: Looks like you’ve really intended) with existence of terical, but is Uterus” 2010! bigger once you hit puberty. embraced the whole puberty/ you’re God’sdo giftyou to take? the world. Whose recommendations the multifarious iTunes store. it worth the pedophilia thing. 50 Things are no different here 1.5 salads at 47.7% Yoni: Other at Penn, where the Rave gets Sweetgreen 40% Michael: 40 A Friend nearly half the traffic for the it would Cinema Studies midnight screenings of blockhave cost if 30 Major 26.2% 25% 25% buster hits like Twilight as Hulu I had seen it Professor or TA 20 does the day after the newest in theaters? Street episode of 30 Rock airs. This Ramen noo10 *Students surveyed were allowed to choose more makes sense. We Penn students dles aren’t than one option. 0 are too busy procrastinating that bad, I on Penn InTouch and designguess. ing funny lacrosse pinnies for entertainment accessible and The average Penn student the clubs we’re in to inexpensive toNow: anyoneIswith an (who but average, if Then:involved NO WAY—you’ve it your dog’sis anything bark leave the comfort our beds to AirPennNet account. Wouldn’t you ask Amy Gutmann) watchbeen toofIsrael???????? mitzvah? Then: Imagining the splendor Now: It’s 2014. Are you of co–ed bathrooms sure has aware of the shifting gotten someone in a tizzy. zeitgeist?

Then: Please come back to my

room in Hill for wine and casual seduction.

34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011


Now: Yep, still a douche. At least you’re legal now.


Then: You’ve got some after- Now: You’ve still got a little after8 birth on your cheek. birth on your cheek.

Dine-In, Catering & Delivery Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95 • 215.387.8533 4006 Chestnut Street • University City J A N U A R Y 2 3 , 2 01 4 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E 1 9


Why d 3.1% 25%


es seven m every semes tic proves t to watch sa than at the tional $20 of popcorn not include tions). The ing seven m less than 30 many conv paid service ing interru buffering an immunity and most im ing to wai watching 72 on Megavid Not to m price to pa the big pictu savings of students wh services rath movie theat tween $196 depending Netflix or i Moral of th judge if you

*A simp of 100 Pen surveyed to their film v

If you like



The Mütter Museum


Anastasia’s Antiques — 617 Bainbridge St.

Trinkets for sale at this underappreciated thriftstore include mannequin heads, taxidermy, skulls and, according to one amused Yelper, a book entitled “How to Use Your New Vibrator.” For those with a macabre sense of humor.

Cavanaughs River Deck

Drinkers The Magic Gardens Eastern State Penitentiary ICA A House of Our Own Bookstore Penn Museum Morris Arboretum The Liberty Bell

— 417 N. Columbus Blvd.

Right on the Delaware River, this restaurant/bar close to Penn’s Landing will take you away from the shit show named Smokey Joe’s and all the frat bros therein.

The Painted Bride Art Center — 230 Vine St.

Bedecked with a mural created by Isaiah Zager of Magic Gardens and beard–growing fame, this performing and visual arts space specializes in experimental art.

The Ghost Tour of Philadelphia — Omni Hotel, 401 Chestnut St. Did you know Washington Square was once a graveyard? This walking tour of Philadelphia’s scariest places will imbue you with enough weird facts to win Jeopardy or scare off a blind date.

Museum Without Walls — 1500 John F. Kennedy Blvd.

You aren’t going to be able to talk during this audio walking tour of Philly’s outside art scene anyway, so just go by yourself.

Giovanni’s Room — 345 S. 12th St.

The oldest LGBT bookstore in the country, Giovanni’s Room is in the heart of the gayborhood and feels almost reverant in its history… until you see the sexually suggestive merchandise they sell.

Esther Klein Gallery — 3600 Market St.

Employing a combination of design and technology, EKG uses science to produce art. It’s close to home so there’s no excuse not to check it out.

Philadelphia Insectarium — 8046 Frankford Ave.

One of the most exotic places in Philly, the Insectarium houses thousands of live and mounted bugs for you to touch. Have fun.

Once Upon a Nation — Historic Philadelphia Center, 600 Chestnut St.

A bench tour of Philadelphia where historic impersonators teach you about Revolutionary history. Also a good place to inquire about openings if OCR doesn’t work out.

January 23, 2014  
January 23, 2014