THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
THE INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA
Gutmann talks Trump . . . Sort of She indirectly criticized his plans against Muslims DAN SPINELLI City News Editor
For the extent of 1968 Wharton graduate Donald Trump‘s rapid rise to the top of the Republican presidential polls, Penn had offered nothing
but radio silence. That changed today. In her biannual meeting with The Daily Pennsylvanian’s editorial staff, Penn President Amy Gutmann was asked why the University still refuses to comment on Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims, despite a Dec. 14 Philadelphia Inquirer article specifically mentioning the concern of Muslim students at Penn about Trump’s
remarks. Her response, while not referring to Trump by name, indirectly criticized his plan to halt Muslim immigrants from entering the United States. “Discrimination against Muslims in our society is absolutely unacceptable. It is a form of invidious discrimination. It is, I believe, a
disgrace for our society to engage in discrimination on the basis of religion or race,” she said. “In this case, it’s religion and some people see it as called for, but not only is it not called for and disgraceful, but it’s also unconstitutional.” The University has previously SEE GUTMANN PAGE 6
PROFESSIONALLY Business fraternities are beginning to recruit ALIZA OHNOUNA Staff Reporter
For Penn’s pre-professional fraternities, Super Day simulations — an activity intended to mimic the final interview process of candidates for selective firms — and beer pong are not mutually exclusive. In addition to the over 30 traditional Greek organizations overseen by the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life, Penn is home to three co-ed business fraternities: Alpha Kappa Psi, Phi Gamma Nu and Delta Sigma Pi, an engineering fraternity, Theta Tau, a sorority for women studying technical and engineering sciences and a recently re-chartered law fraternity, Phi Alpha Delta. Like traditional Greek organizations, freshmen can undergo recruitment for professional fraternities only in the spring, while upperclassmen can participate either semester. AKPsi, PGN and DSP hold their recruitment in the first two weeks of each semester, though freshmen can only rush in the spring.
SEE BUSINESS FRAT PAGE 3
Penn research labs frequently missing deadlines
Amazon store coming to space under Commons
Clinical research study results should be reported within 12 months
The area will serve as a pick up area for the online store
JAMIE BRENSLIBER Staff Reporter
JACOB WINICK Staff Reporter
Penn’s research labs have consistently missed their deadlines to report the results of their clinical research studies. The labs are required by Public Law 110-85 to publish their results to ClinicalTrials.gov within 12 months of the completion of their studies or face fines from the National Institutes of Health. Penn is aware of its tardiness. Michael Borda, director of research initiatives in the Office of the Vice Provost for Research, noted that Penn posts its research in many different venues. “Like our peer institutions, Penn has found that this task is much larger than expected, and the office of clinical research has taken this as a priority, and is working to address the backlog,” Borda wrote in an email. The federal law was passed in 2007 after a series of lawsuits against drug manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline revealed the company was hiding dangerous side effects of its antidepressant Paxil. The U.S. Food & Drug Administration found an increased risk of suicide in children and teens taking the drug. Babies born to mothers taking the drug also had birth defects. These conditions were
Amazon is coming to Penn creating a new way to order everything from instant macaroni and cheese to graph paper. In the coming weeks, Amazon@ Penn, a pickup location for the online retailer, will fill the hole of construction under 1920 Commons dining hall. Penn students and faculty will now have the option to pickup and return Amazon packages from a centrallylocated facility, alleviating congestion
COURTESY OF MIKE SEYFANG/CREATIVE COMMONS
The new Amazon store will open under Commons after months of construction, where students can pick up and return packages.
OAX RAISES $20,400 PAGE 3
SEE RESEARCH PAGE 7
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Trump’s appeal is precisely what hurts him on Penn’s campus: his refusal to be politically correct.”
in dorm package rooms and giving off-campus residents a way to receive deliveries without worrying about theft. Additionally, students and faculty will be able to use Amazon@Penn to activate a personalized “Penn shopping experience.” The store will offer Amazon Student and Prime members free same-day delivery on a variety of items shipped directly to the location in Commons on orders placed before noon and free one-day delivery for orders placed before 10 p.m. The Amazon@Penn facility will SEE AMAZON PAGE 6
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- Louis Capozzi PAGE 4
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Theft Theft from Vehicle: 2 Retail Theft: 2 Theft from Building; 3
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OAX raises money for domestic The unchartered sorority no longer has to give portion of proceeds to AXO
“Big Man on Campus.” All proceeds were donated to Women Against Abuse, a center that provides shelter, legal asLILY ZANDI sistance and other social and Staff Reporter vocational services to women In November, OAX, which living in the Philadelphia area previously existed as Alpha Chi who have been victims of doOmega sorority, raised $20,400 mestic abuse. for domestic violence by host“This event is one of our ing Big Man on Campus, a highlights of the fall semessocial event held at nightclub ter, and our members are very The Roxxy where junior and passionate about working with senior men perform dance num- and raising money for Women bers and compete for the title of Against Abuse,” Wharton
senior Natalie Sica said. Throughout the semester, members of OAX contribute to the event by selling tickets, finding sponsors and assisting the participants in choreographing and organizing their performances. Despite revoking their charter with the University last April, OAX still continues to host BMOC, which was the principal philanthropic event of Alpha Chi Omega. As they are no longer affiliated with
the AXO national chapter, they are no longer obligated to give a portion of their proceeds to the national organization. OAX now donates the $20,400 that they raised directly to Women Against Abuse. Donations from previous years were around $10,000. “This year we raised significantly more money than we ever had before and were able to donate the full amount raised to Women Against Abuse,” Sica said.
Debate over Cosby’s Penn degree ensues Multiple student groups still upset with how the University has handled it CHLOE CHENG Staff Reporter
In light of the recent charges brought against actor and comedian Bill Cosby, students continue to question whether Cosby’s honorary degree should be rescinded. On Dec. 30, 2015, Cosby was charged with three felony counts of aggravated indecent assault. These charges are based on a single incident involving Andrea Constand that allegedly took place at his home in Cheltenham Township, Pa., in 2004. However, over 50 women have accused Cosby of sexual misconduct. Cosby received a Doctorate of Laws from Penn in 1990. In a statement issued on Nov. 6, 2015, Penn announced that it will not be rescinding Cosby’s honorary degree. The University has previously rescinded two honorary degrees. Students from the Penn Association for Gender Equity
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
said they believe that the charges are long overdue and that Penn should revoke the honor. “PAGE feels very strongly that rape victims need to be believed, especially in this case where it’s been consistent evidence being brought against him,” College and Wharton junior and Co-Chair of PAGE Megan Yan, who is also a former business manager for The Daily Pennsylvanian, said. “It took so much time and public pressure to come to the consensus that this is an issue that needs to be addressed, regardless of the status of the figure,” College junior and Co-Chair of PAGE Julia Slater added. “The administration has been saying that sexual assault prevention and support of survivors is high on their agenda, and I think this [rescinding Cosby’s honorary degree] is an important step that they could take to fortify that goal and show that they’re in support of survivors and committed to ending rape culture.” The student group Abuse
and Sexual Assault Prevention took an official stance on the issue. “ASAP believes the lack of response to allegations of sexual assault is just one of many aspects of pervasive rape culture that can be seen throughout America,” College sophomore and Internal Chair of ASAP Rachel Wood wrote in an email. “Lack of response is unfortunately not specific to this case or any case. It is more about a society that is stubborn to give credit to allegations of sexual assault without conviction by jury.” The sheer number of women who have come out to speak against Cosby and the recent charges against him should have encouraged the University to rescind his honorary degree, said College sophomore and member of Men Against Rape and Sexual Assault Reece Sisto. He continued, “I would say that the argument could be made for that [not rescinding his honorary degree] had he attended the institution and gotten a tangible, real degree
from the school, in the same way that if you go to college and later commit a crime, you don’t lose that degree.” “I think he does deserve whatever public outcry is happening, whatever cases are brought against him, whatever charges are brought against him,” College junior Tunmise Fawole said. In terms of whether Cosby’s honorary degree should be rescinded, Fawole said, “In this case, I feel it should be done, but who makes that decision? Whose responsibility within the University is it to handle these questions, especially when there’s such a large public outcry?” Fawole added that she believes the University should establish a public forum to discuss this type of issue with students, faculty and administrators when the need arises. “Bill Cosby is not the character he played. He’s an actor. He’s a human being. It’s hard because I think his character was a culturally revered person and to separate that is very difficult,” Yan said.
BUSINESS FRAT >> PAGE 1
The first week, according to College junior and AKPsi President James Wang, is called open rush, which consists of several informal events designed for anyone interested to meet and network with the brothers, along with a professional development event. PGN and DSP share similar processes. In AKPsi and PGN, undergraduates in all four schools are welcome, but DSP is open only to economics majors in the College of Arts and Sciences and Wharton students. Unlike Panhellenic sorority recruitment, in which potential new members must attend the open houses of all eight sororities, business fraternity recruitment lets people attend events of any of the fraternities. “It’s a lot less structured,” said College senior Angela Pan, a member of Chi Omega and DSP. Following open rush, interested students fill out an application to participate in closed rush — applicants invited to participate in closed rush are asked to complete various tasks, including team-based activities and interviews that help brothers assess them for their professional potential, said College and Wharton senior Bohan Wei, president of PGN. Key skills include the ability to collaborate and communicate effectively. Brothers then vote on which candidates to offer bids after closed rush. Acceptance quotas aren’t as rigidly defined as they are in regular Panhellenic recruitment, and as many candidates as qualified are offered bids. The six-week-long pledging process, which follows bid acceptance, aims to teach “professional skills you need in the workplace that you can’t really learn in class,” Wang said, namely resume checks, interview prep and a good idea of what working in certain types of businesses is really like. PAD and Theta Tau follow similar recruitment timelines involving informal social events followed by closed rush and later bid offers. Membership in each of the fraternities promises professional development and social opportunities with enviable equality. Mixers with other business fraternities, BYOs and speaker events in which
alumni coach current brothers through interview questions of major finance firms are offered. Every year, AKPsi organizes two major speaker events, Aspire to Excellence and Media and Entertainment week, Wang said. The fraternities also employ the “big and little” system familiar to all members of traditional Greek organizations, in which older members of the fraternity are paired with new members to serve as mentors, friends and guides through the pledging process and professional development, said Wharton junior April Tan, DSP President. PAD has a similar system, but bigs are called partners and littles are called associates. PAD also offers speaker events in which lawyers educate members on the profession and serve as a source for desired internships, said College sophomore Jackson Price, a PAD brother. While the pre-professional fraternities do seem to offer a package deal, several members also choose to be part of traditional fraternities and sororities. Tan, who is also a member of AKDPhi, an Asian-American sorority, said that she joined AKDPhi because she wasn’t “sure if people [are in PGN] more because of the social aspect or more for the professional.” She enjoys being a part of AKDPhi because all of its members are there purely because they like spending time together. Pan and Price felt similarly. Pan said she likes the diverse group of friends she met in Chi Omega, but she was looking for a more directed group to help hone her professional skills. Price found in SigEp a supportive brotherhood and fun social events, but he uses the resources and legal expertise of PAD to help him achieve his legal aspirations. Like traditional Greek organizations, Penn’s professional frater nities ultimately seek members who fit best with their brothers, goals and interests. “We all have different cultures. One is definitely not better than the other. You just have to find where you fit in,” said College and Wharton sophomore Ellen Naruse. Recruitment for each of the preprofessional and social fraternities/ sororities will begin within the next few days.
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OPINION Donald’s trump cards
THURSDAY January 14, 2016 VOL. CXXXI, NO. 116 131st Year of Publication MATT MANTICA President JILL CASTELLANO Editor-in-Chief LUKE CHEN Director of Online Projects LAUREN FEINER City News Editor KRISTEN GRABARZ Campus News Editor CLAIRE COHEN Assignments Editor PAOLA RUANO Copy Editor RILEY STEELE Senior Sports Editor COLIN HENDERSON Sports Editor LANE HIGGINS Sports Editor HOLDEN MCGINNIS Sports Editor CARTER COUDRIET Creative Director KATE JEON Design Editor JOYCE VARMA Design Editor
CITIZEN CAPOZZI | Campus supporters reflect sources of the billionaire’s national political success
onald Trump is not stupid. Penn students frequently dismiss him because he says stupid things, but we shouldn’t underestimate the GOP frontrunner. As Trump recently told a raucous crowd in South Carolina, “We have to be smart. We don’t necessarily have to be politically correct. If we can, that’s fine. But we don’t have time for it. I went to an Ivy League School. I can be more politically correct than any guy in Washington. Believe me. I’m smarter than they are.” Yet many in the Penn community, including a recent Daily Pennsylvanian guest columnist, dismiss Trump because he’s not politically correct. This common position can be summarized as follows: Trump says offensive and racist things, therefore he is a bigot, and so he’s not a legitimate candidate. As many red-faced pundits are starting to admit, many have underestimated the blustering billionaire. On campus, Trump’s offensive rhetoric toward Hispanics, veterans, Muslims and women has effectively
prevented him from gaining significant support at Penn. While there was a Penn for Trump organization on campus, Wharton freshman Patrick Lobo disbanded the group after Trump’s call to ban Muslims from entering the United States. Lobo said, “After the way Trump handled his comments on Muslims, I can’t publicly align myself with him anymore.” Others are less bothered, like Wharton freshman Nile Nwogu who said, “a lot of my friends say he hates minorities, but I don’t think it’s true. When I watch his interviews, he sounds like an honest person trying to make a difference rather than always being politically correct.” While Trump’s already limited support on campus has dwindled, he continues to grow stronger nationally. The most recent national polling average shows Trump with a fourteen-point lead even though he only just started spending money on advertisements. Since Trump is projected to stick around, as I argued last September, we should take his status as the Repub-
lican frontrunner seriously. It’s time to move beyond the wishful thinking that Trump is not a legitimate candidate because he says offensive things. Even if you just want to more effectively oppose
plan for “drastically lowering the tax rate for poorer people and addressing the issue of corporate inversions.” As another example, despite his rhetoric about
Perhaps the greatest reason for Trump’s appeal is precisely what hurts him on Penn’s campus: his refusal to be politically correct.” him, it’s necessary to consider the factors that make Trump appealing. First, Trump’s platform is surprisingly nuanced and can appeal to non-traditional Republican constituencies. For example, Trump might be the most pro-LGBT Republican currently running. As College freshman and hesitant Trump supporter Christian Petrillo argued, “When Kim Davis refused to allow gay marriages in Kentucky, Trump called her out and said she needs to enforce the law.” Further, Nwogu praised Trump’s tax
“bombing the shit out of ISIL” and killing enemy families, Trump has repeatedly denounced regime change in the Middle East, has suggested that the Russians should fight ISIL and hinted that he won’t need to use the military. Finally, consider that Trump has been an outspoken supporter of affirmative action. None of this surprises Lobo, who said, “I like that Trump is moderate; he used to align with the Democratic Party. I felt that he was middle-of-the-road if you got past his crazy com-
ments and actually looked at his policies.” Another source of appeal for Trump is that he’s partly self-funding his campaign, fueling the perception that he can’t be bought. Indeed, Trump has refused to employ a super PAC and ordered one operating in his name to return the money it had raised from donors. According to Petrillo, “Trump is an outsider in the political system; he’s doing his campaign for the benefit of the country, not to make donors happy or appoint people that gave him a lot of money.” Perhaps the greatest reason for Trump’s appeal is precisely what hurts him on Penn’s campus: his refusal to be politically correct. Recent polling shows that over 70 percent of Americans think political correctness is a problem. According to Lobo, “his refusal to be politically correct is one of my favorite things about Trump. I can’t stand the PC culture that’s evolving, especially at Penn. People are being yelled at for Halloween costumes!” Petrillo agreed, saying, “People hate political correctness in my Philadelphia neighborhood; his
LOUIS CAPOZZI discarding of political correctness is one of the main reasons for my support. I think political correctness is destroying the fabric of our country.” I still don’t support Donald Trump, but I do take him seriously. For all those who assume Hillary Clinton will crush him in the general election, consider at least one recent poll that suggests otherwise. If we don’t take Trump seriously now, we may be forced to deal with him for at least four more years. No one will be dismissing him then. LOUIS CAPOZZI is a College senior from Mechanicsburg, Pa., studying classics and history. His email address is email@example.com. “Citizen Capozzi” usually appears every other Monday.
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The myth about smart people
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Unsigned editorials appearing on this page represent the opinion of The Daily Pennsylvanian as determined by the majority of the Editorial Board. All other columns, letters and artword represent the opinion of their authors and are not necessarily representative of the DP’s position.
ould you listen to Albert Einstein’s political counsel? Terence Tao’s opinion on drug policy? Ernest Hemingway’s management advice? When someone is very smart or accomplished in one specialty, we tend to accept that person as a “universal expert” — someone we can rely on for answers on just about anything. But this is a fallacy. Just because someone is intelligent or has a high IQ does not mean that the person is somehow knowledgeable about all things. In fact, “universal experts” don’t exist. I first considered this phenomenon after watching a Big Think video of Bill Nye — you know, from the popular children’s television show “Bill Nye the Science Guy.” Nye was speaking, rather authoritatively, about abortion and why he believes a woman should have the choice to abort a baby. The video made rounds over Facebook and garnered hundreds of thousands of views.
THE QUIXOTIC QUAKER | Universal experts don’t exist My question: What the hell does Bill Nye know about abortion ethics? After a quick Google search, I found that Bill Nye has just a bachelor’s degree in mechanical engineering (Cornell, 1977). That’s right, Bill Nye isn’t even a Ph.D. He has done a limited amount of academic work in astronomy, but nada in biology, ethics or philosophy. Why, then, would so many people rely on a children’s television host for abortion ethics? Bill Nye is just one example of a broader problem. At the height of the controversy surrounding the Iran deal, President Obama brought out the big intellectual guns to back him up: Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz. Moniz is a theoretical physicist and professor at M.I.T. With a Ph.D. in theoretical physics from Stanford University and an appointment at one of the most prestigious universities in the world, it’s safe to say Moniz is one smart cookie.
But what makes professor Moniz an expert on Iranian geopolitics? And yet Moniz’s appearance on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” explaining the Iran deal garnered over 170,000
candidate Ben Carson. Ben Carson is a bona fide genius. Carson is not just a pediatric neurosurgeon — he was the youngest head of a department at any major hospital across the country. Not only
Just because someone is intelligent or has a high IQ does not mean that the person is somehow knowledgeable about all things.” views on YouTube. The truth is, a person can only become an expert by focusing on and poring over one specialty, usually for years and years. Nobody — not even the smartest person in the world — is born with expertise, and having expertise in one area does not ensure someone knows another. Consider, for example, Republican presidential
that, he was the head of one of the most influential departments at one of the best hospitals in the world. He separated conjoined twins. He saved lives. According to a New York Times expose, colleagues said that “when [Carson] walked around Hopkins, he was like God.” He accomplished more by the time he was 40 than most of us could dream to accomplish in a lifetime.
Because of his success as a neurosurgeon, we expect Carson to know everything — which makes it all the more surprising when he says (incorrectly) that China invaded Syria or that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain. But before we jump on the “Ben Carson must be an idiot” bandwagon, we should question ourselves: Why do we think that a brilliant neurosurgeon should inherently know about warfare or ancient history? Ben Carson has a brilliant mind and has spent years studying medicine and surgery. But he is no “universal expert” — he may know less about international relations than some international relations majors! The status of smart people as “universal experts” is not new — but the problem is exacerbated by populiststyle news sources like the Huffington Post, ATTN and Buzzfeed. Media isn’t what it used to be, and media sources use these smart people to lend credibility to the news. We trust smart people — it’s
THEODORE L. CAPUTI easy to have Bill Nye form our opinions for us. But these universal experts don’t really exist. Instead, let’s rely on the real experts — people who have studied a specialty for years and years. We can rely on Ben Carson for pediatric medicine, Einstein for theoretical physics and Bill Nye for children’s science experiments. THEODORE L. CAPUTI is a College and Wharton junior from Washington Crossing, Pa., studying finance/statistics and mathematics. His email address is tcaputi@wharton. upenn.edu. “The Quixotic Quaker” appears every other Wednesday.
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GUTMANN >> PAGE 1
declined to comment on Trump to any media organization, citing their desire to not engage in political discourse. Gutmann refrained from directing any attack specifically at Trump, whose daughter Tiffany is a College senior, but lambasted any attempt by politicians to pander toward Islamophobes. “I will not stoop to the level which would be wrong as well as demeaning to comment on what individual politicians, whether they’re running in a primary for president or for any other office, say, other than to make it clear that my statement, which is a public
AMAZON >> PAGE 6
also offer a “communal workspace.” Executive Director of Business Services at Penn, Doug Berger said this will, “help foster additional community” by providing students with, “a new place
statement, holds for anybody who engages in outrageously discriminatory statements, let alone actions that target Muslims because of their religion,” she said. The Inquirer article included a meeting between Muslim Chaplain Kameelah Rashad and a group of students about Trump’s proposal to ban Muslims. The popularity of Trump, who had a 16-point lead among Republican candidates in a Jan. 13 CBS/ NY Times poll, has inspired students interviewed in the Inquirer article to “self-censor” themselves in their religious observance, actions and dress. “So how am I supposed to feel comfortable if this nation is telling us that we should leave the
country?” said Engineering freshman Lamin Elsawah in the article. When asked specifically about the Inquirer piece, Gutmann voiced her support for the Muslim Student Association without identifying Trump. “When there were clear indications in our society that there was a sense of really unjustified discrimination against Muslims individuals simply because they were Muslim, the Muslim Student Association at Penn quite admirably got together,” she said. “I was sorry I couldn’t be at their rally but I wrote a letter saying in no uncertain terms that discrimination against Muslims in our society is absolutely unacceptable. It is a form of invidious discrimination.”
to work.” According to a press release published on Jan. 12, the workspace will have “interactive media pods where students can connect their laptops and mobile devices to TV monitors for presentations, brainstorming, studying and collaborating.” “We are really excited about
bringing Amazon services to Penn and we hope students will take advantage of the communal work space,” Berger said. As Amazon shipments account for over 50 percent of all deliveries to students at Penn, Amazon@ Penn may be able to revolutionize how students shop.
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birth. The study began in May 2008 and was completed in June 2012, but the Penn researchers have not yet posted the results. Three and a half years after the study’s completion, the researchers have missed their deadline. The IMPaCT study (NCT01346462), which stands for Individualized Management Towards Patient-Centered Targets, studied the transition in care for socio-economically vulnerable patients who were being discharged at the time. This study began in May 2011 and was completed in December 2012, but no results have yet been posted.
$409 million in awards from the NIH in 2015, the very organization responsible for imposing the fines on non-compliant research labs. So far, neither the NIH nor the FDA has fined any of the four schools for their missed deadlines. Penn completed two studies in 2012 and still has not reported the results. One of these studies, known as the Biomarker Study (NCT01148654) examined connections between levels of protein biomarkers that warn the body of premature labor, among other things, in pregnant women and potential dangers during
life-altering and life-threatening, but the company chose not to reveal them. A Philadelphia jury in 2009 awarded $2.5 million to the Kilker family after their son Lyam was born with birth defects. DrugWatch.com, a website devoted to informing the public about dangerous drugs, reported that GlaxoSmithKline’s 1998 internal report found an “alarmingly high number” of birth defects associated with the drug, but the company failed to reveal these dangers.
Patients and doctors cannot gauge the benefits and dangers of a drug if researchers do not post their study results. STAT, a health news outlet, reported that Penn, along with Stanford University, the University of Pittsburgh and the University of California, San Diego are some of the “worst offenders” and “four of the top 10 recipients of federal medical research funding from the National Institutes of Health.” Universities often cite a lack of funding and time to post their results before the deadline. Yet according to Penn Medicine’s website, the university received
>> PAGE 1
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All eligible undergraduate students are welcome, regardless of race, creed, economic status, sexual orientation, nationality or ethnicity. A minimum 2.5 GPA is required to rush. Students wishing to rush must register at: www.greekrush.com
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Delta Kappa Epsilon (DKE) Pat’s Cheesesteaks 307 S 39th Street
Beta Theta Pi (Beta) Allegro 3900 Spruce Street
Alpha Chi Rho (AXP/Crows) Wishbone 219 S. 36th Street
Zeta Beta Tau (ZBT) Shake Shack 235 S 39th Street
Tau Epsiolon Phi (TEP) Chick-fil-A 3805 Walnut Street
Psi Upsilon (Castle) 250 S. 36th Street
Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) Homemade Organic Vegan 3908 Spruce Street
Sigma Alpha Mu (Sammy) Scratch Biscuits 3817 Walnut Street
Pi Lambda Phi (Pi Lam) 3914 Spruce Street
Sigma Nu (SigNu) Ice Cream Cake 3819 Walnut Street
Phi Gamma Delta (Fiji) Chick-fil-A 3619 Locust Walk Delta Phi (St. Elmo’s) Honest Tom’s 3627 Locust Walk
Pi Kappa Alpha (Pike) Chick-fil-A 3916 Spruce Street
Delta Psi (St. Anthony’s Hall) Pizza 3637 Locust Walk
Phi Kappa Psi (Phi Psi) Baby Blues BBQ 3934 Spruce Street
Phi Delta Theta (Phi Delt) Bacon Wrapped Scallops 3700 Locust Walk
Alpha Sigma Phi (Alpha Sig) Chick-fil-A 4030 Spruce Street
Kappa Sigma (Kappa Sig) Chik-fil-A 3706 Locust Walk
Delta Tau Delta (Delt) Chick-fil-A 4007 Baltimore Avenue
Delta Upsilon Percy Street Barbecue Arch 108/109
Alpha Delta Phi Society Coffee and Donuts 3951 Baltimore Avenue
Saturday, January 16th
Lambda Chi Alpha (Lambda Chi) Five Guys 128 S 39th Street Kappa Alpha Society (KA) Shake Shack 124 S 39th Street Sigma Phi Epsilon (SigEp) Dippin’ Dots 4028 Walnut Street Phi Sigma Kappa (PSK) Pod 208 S 41st Street Alpha Tau Omega (ATO) Dippin’ Dots 225 S 39th Street Sigma Chi Jim’s Cheesesteaks 3809 Locust Walk
Block 1 (5:30 - 7:00)
Block 2 (7:00 - 8:30)
Block 3 (8:30 - 10:00)
Beta Theta Pi (Beta) Chick-fil-A 3900 Spruce Street
Delta Kappa Epsilon (DKE) Five Guys 307 S 39th Street
Zates Psi (Zetes) Chips 3337 Walnut Street
Tau Epsilon Phi (TEP) Shake Shack 3805 Walnut Street
Zeta Beta Tau (ZBT) Federal Donuts 235 S 39th Street
Alpha Chi Rho (AXP/Crows) Hemo’s 219 S 36th Street
Sigma Alpha Mu (Sammy) Franklin Fountain 3817 Walnut Street
Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) Beef Wellington 3908 Spruce Street
Psi Upsilon (Castle) 250 S 36th St.
Sigma Nu (SigNu) Chick-fil-A 3819 Walnut Street
Pi Lambda Phi (PiLam) 3914 Spruce Street
Phi Gamma Delta (Fiji) Federal Donuts 3619 Locust Walk
Pi Kappa Alpha (Pike) Shake Shack 3916 Spruce Street
Delta Phi (St. Elmo’s) Shake Shack 3627 Locust Walk
Phi Kappa Psi (Phi Psi) Dippin’ Dots 3934 Spruce Street
Delta Psi (St. Anthony’s Hall) Pizza 3637 Locust Walk
Alpha Sigma Phi (Alpha Sig) Chocolate Fondue 4030 Spruce Street
Phi Delta Theta (Phi Delt) Wings 3700 Locust Walk
Delta Taue Delta (Delt) Ben & Jerry’s 4007 Baltimore Avenue
Kappa Sigma (Kappa Sig) Tony Luke’s Cheesesteaks 3706 Locust Walk
Alpha Delta Phi Society Pancakes and Hot Chocolate 3951 Baltimore Avenue
Delta Upsilon Honest Tom’s Burritos Arch 108/109
Lambda Chi Alpha (Lambda Chi) NY Gyro 128 S 39th Street Kappa Alpha Society (KA) Geno’s Steaks 124 S 39th Street Sigma Phi Epsilon (SigEp) Pig Roast 4028 Walnut Street Phi Sigma Kappa (PSK) Rootbeer Floats 208 S 41st Street Alpha Tau Omega (ATO) Wings 225 S 39th Street Sigma Chi Chick-fil-A 3809 Locust Walk
THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN
Trustees take further steps in fossil fuel divestment Trustees to form ad hoc divestment committee CHERRY ZHI Staff Reporter
Almost a year after the Nominations & Elections Committee held an undergraduate referendum on fossil fuel divestment, Penn is forming an ad hoc committee to further consider the issue. After last February’s referendum, which passed with 87.8 percent approval from the 33 percent of undergraduate students that voted, Fossil Free Penn submitted a proposal that has been approved by the University Council Steering Committee for further deliberation. The proposal calls for Penn to remove its investments in the fossil fuel industry and reinvest some of the extricated funds into renewable energy. College senior Jorge Mancilla Uribe believes that divestment is imperative because individual action is simply not enough to combat climate change. “Political action is needed, but it is blocked by the lobbying of the fossil fuel industry,” he said. “We are not going after the industry’s finances [by divesting], but it does let us go after their reputation because that is what gives their lobby credibility in political circles.” In order for the University to divest, the next step involves forming an ad hoc committee comprised of students, faculty, staff and alumni whose members will ultimately be selected by Chair of the Board of Trustees, David Cohen. “They obviously don’t want anyone biased [on the committee] but hopefully they’ll consider someone from Fossil Free Penn considering the fact that we pushed this initiative forward,” College sophomore Michelle Pereira said. The committee is expected to
convene for up to 12 months beginning in March 2016 and is then required to submit a recommendation to the Board of Trustees, who will make the final decision. Despite the progress in moving forward with the proposal, the process is lengthy and the Trustees’ Guidelines for Divestment establish “extraordinarily high standards” such as the requirement that “the company or companies identified for divestment … have a significant, clear and undeniable nexus to the moral evil.” Moreover, the University states that divestment should only be approved after all other options are found to be unsatisfactory. In spite of this strict criterion, members of Fossil Free Penn are confident that their campaign fulfills these requirements. “This is the most warranted divestment campaign because climate change affects every single person in the world,” College freshman Zach Rissman said, referencing Penn’s past campaigns to divest from the tobacco industry and from South Africa during apartheid. However, Rissman is not completely confident that the committee will, at this time, recommend divestment to the Trustees. “Even though a lot of studies show that divesting from fossil fuels does not negatively impact an investment portfolio, there is a stigma surrounding divestment,” he said. Even at Penn, reaching out to faculty for support was sometimes challenging for advocates of divestment. “Some faculty were afraid of stepping on the wrong toes,” Pereira said. But Rissman believes that in the end, Penn will do the right thing. “We’re not going to just give up,” he said. “We’ll step back and look at what went wrong and just try again.”
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
Course registration differs around Ivy League Council of Undergraduate Deans to reevalute Penn add-drop policy JINAH KIM Staff Reporter
Some classes are notoriously hard to get into. “Psychology of Food,” a Benjamin Franklin Seminar taught by Professor Paul Rozin, requires an application essay. For other classes, the problem is demand — empty spots are snapped up as soon as they become available. The deadline to add courses for Penn undergraduates is Feb. 1, two-and-a-half weeks into the semester. The majority of other schools in the Ivy League use a similar system, with preregistration in the previous term and approximately two weeks of free add-drop starting with the first day of classes. “I think the advance registration period is really designed to
get students to think about the courses they’re taking the next semester way before they have to make a final decision,” said Rob Nelson, Executive Director for Education and Academic Planning at the Office of the Vice Provost for Education. Harvard and Yale universities, however, have a different approach. Both schools begin the semester with a one to two week “shopping period,” where students are encouraged to visit classes they are interested in to build their final schedules. While Yale requires students to submit preliminary schedules by the first day of classes, Harvard requires no such formal enrollment until the end of the first week. The shopping period system allows students to explore a broader number of courses and make final enrollment decisions based on personal experience. “I love this system
because it allows you to get a feel for the professor, style of the class and anticipated workload before enrolling in the course,” Harvard sophomore Paige Kebe said, describing the shopping period as a sort of “trial run.” The system has its drawbacks, however. The first week of class is often full of what the Harvard Crimson described as a, “hectic period” full of crowded classrooms and distracted students who “stumble out early” to catch other classes. Yale has faced similar problems. “It’s a difficult period for students and teachers alike,” Yale sophomore Sergio Infante said. Infante also called shopping week “misleading,” as it may be difficult to predict the quality of a course based on one class. According to former Yale College Dean Mary Miller, the “uncertainty” created by open
enrollment makes it difficult for teachers to immediately delve into course material. At Penn, some students find themselves with the opposite problem; students who add courses later in the add period may find themselves struggling to catch up. “I honestly think the add period is too long,” College junior Kevin McNeil said. “You can miss too much of the class and still be allowed to add it.” Because of these competing reasons, the Council of Undergraduate Deans is looking into the timing and length of the add and drop periods, with an emphasis on the latter question, Nelson said. The council may choose to make add-drop end earlier or later, or even change the system altogether — though the adoption of a Harvard or Yale-esque shopping period does not seem to be on their agenda.
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THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM
After fast weekend, Quakers just keep swimming SWIMMING | Harvard,
Brown tri-meet up next MATTHEW FINE Associate Sports Editor
Winter has finally arrived here in Philadelphia, but while temperatures fall, things are just starting to heat up for Penn in the Ivy League swimming season. The men’s team, coming off a sweep of Yale and Dartmouth on Saturday to start its 2016 campaign, will look to stay hot as they head to chilly Cambridge, Mass., for another tri-meet with Harvard and Brown. The Quakers were impressive right from the start, finishing the day with nine total event victories. One of the most notable wins involved senior captain Chris Swanson, who rewrote a 36-year-old Sheerr Pool record in the 1,000-meter freestyle, shattering the previous record held by Harvard grad and Olympic silver medalist Bobby Hackett by almost three seconds. This weekend Penn takes on Brown, who finished seventh in the Ancient Eight standings in 2015, three slots below a fourth-place Quakers squad. Harvard, however, is coming off a second-place finish in the Ivy League last season and
YI WEN | DP FILE PHOTO
On Saturday, the longest standing Sheerr Pool record came tumbling down, as senior Chris Swanson broke Bobby Hackett’s 1,000-yard freestyle record from 1980 with a blazing time of 9:11.41.
will be one of the toughest tests the Red and Blue will face during the dual meet slate this year. Coach Mike Schnur says his team is ready for the challenge, but doesn’t necessarily think confidence builds from one meet to the next.
“It’s a little like baseball where your momentum going forward is only as good as your next day’s starting pitcher,” he said. “I think our guys understand that Harvard is a good team. They’re one of the best teams in the country but we’ve been a confident team all year because we
work hard. “We are going to be ready to go and we are going to swim to the best of our ability. And if that’s good enough against Harvard then we will find out. It’ll be a fun day I think.” While the Quakers have two of
the most talented and accomplished swimmers in the country, Swanson and Eric Schultz, to beat the best teams in the country Penn will need to continue getting success from the depth in their lineup like they did against Yale and Dartmouth. “Harvard has an extraordinarily deep team. They have a lot more athletes than we do and have a lot of really talented kids on that team. Depth is important in dual meets. If Eric wins his races and Chris wins his races, well that’s not enough,” Schnur said. “In order to beat a team like Harvard, our breaststrokers have to win, guys like Mark Andrew and Thomas Dillinger have to finish first and second in the IM. “Winning will be about the rest of our guys beating their sprinters because if we win a race, and [Harvard] finishes second, third, and fourth, it doesn’t do us any good because we pick up just one point.” This weekend, the women’s swim and dive team will also be in action against Harvard and Brown after splitting last week’s meet, defeating Dartmouth but falling to Yale. The competition that awaits from Brown and Harvard for the women closely resembles their male counterparts. At last year’s Ivy League championship meet, Brown finished in sixth while Harvard, a perennial powerhouse, took second only to
Princeton. “On the women’s side the Brown team is really good and our women will be challenged not only by Harvard but also by Brown. They need to focus on that, but they’ve been swimming really well for six weeks now so they’ll go up there and do what they do best, and that’s compete their hearts out.” Coming back from break, which included a 10-day team training trip to Boca Raton, Fla., both Quakers’ squads will need to transition back into life on campus while still preparing for one of the biggest meets of the season. “It’s a whole different atmosphere,” he said. ”It is a transition for these couple weeks and I hope we handle it well.” Although its early in the season, Schnur emphasized the importance of maintaining a high level of intensity during practices, because the team has its eyes set on the biggest prize, the end of year Ivy League Championships. “This time of the season it’s really important to continue training hard because the Ivy championship meet is way more important than this and if you back off at this point of the year you will have problems five weeks from now,” he said. “So the whole idea is just to continue the hard work right now.”
Penn’s top student-athletes honored as Academic All-Ivy Watson, Awad headline Quakers’ 10 selections JACOB SNYDER Associate Sports Editor
Although Penn boasts many talented student-athletes, their most impressive feats may not even come on the field. Ivy League athletes face the ultimate balancing act between performing in their sport while also keeping up with a demanding course load.
Every year, the Ivy League recognizes this challenge by presenting 80 student-athletes in at least their second year with the Academic All-Ivy honor each season, which amounts to 10 students per Ancient Eight institution. These students are starters or key reserves in their respective sports while also maintaining at least a 3.0 GPA. Penn’s honorees for the fall 2015 were senior Thomas Awad (men’s cross country), senior Alexis Genske (volleyball), senior Elizabeth Hitti (field hockey), sophomore Alexa Hoover (field hockey), senior
Paige Lombard (women’s soccer), junior Mike McCurdy (sprint football), senior Ashley Montgomery (women’s cross country), senior Alec Neumann (men’s soccer), senior Tanner Thexton (football) and sophomore Justin Watson (football). Awad, a health & societies major who won his second consecutive Heptagonal Games title in men’s cross country in late October, recognized the difficulty of performing in the classroom while still performing strong athletically. “Especially studying at Penn,
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which is a very ‘academics first’ school, it’s a challenge to achieve both academically and athletically,” Awad said. “It’s all about trying to not let one get in the way of the other.” Watson, who was a finalist for the Bushnell Cup as the Ivy League’s Offensive Player of the Year while studying in the Wharton School of Business, agrees that academic achievement and athletic obligations often force some tough decisions. “Down the stretch of the season, I definitely wanted those extra couple hours to watch film and practice,”
Watson admitted. “But I knew I needed the time to keep up with my work.” Watson also commented on the Ivy League’s strategic decision to make sure athletic seasons wind down before final exams. “The way the season is set up allowed for me to put a lot of time into football without depriving myself of study time for my exams,” Watson said. “The Ivy League knows how tough the schoolwork is and that athletes could use the time in between to get caught up.” Both Awad and Watson left some
parting advice for other students who are struggling to balance multiple obligations, whatever they may be. “What’s really helped me is using Penn’s resources,” Watson said. “The tutors they have available can be a huge help and can work around your schedule.” “Don’t put too much pressure on yourself would be the first thing I’d recommend,” Awad added. “You have to accept that you can’t totally dedicate yourself to just one.” “You just need to allocate time for both and do the best you can.”
The Zell/Lurie Real Estate Center at Wharton presents the 15th Annual
Real Estate Career Fair Friday, January 29, 2016 Houston Hall 11 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Open to all students–grad and undergrad–who are interested in real estate.
Meet industry professionals: development, finance, management, and more. A great opportunity to find summer intern or full-time positions in the field. Questions? Contact Ron Smith: firstname.lastname@example.org; 215-746-4709. The Zell/Lurie Real Estate Center gratefully acknowledges the Jeff T. Blau Endowment for Student Placement, which has helped make this event possible.
THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
Before their success, however, the Tirapelle brothers started out from humble beginnings. Steve recalls the first time he brought Adam to wrestling practice â€” it didnâ€™t go as planned. â€œHe cried when we brought him in the room,â€? Tirapelle recalls. â€œHe didnâ€™t want to stay. I think he wanted to enjoy the sport but for whatever reason he cried. And we told him that if he kept crying, this was over.â€? Despite the tough love, Adam and Alex maintain that their fatherâ€™s philosophy largely contributed to their success. â€œWrestling-wise, we learned from him. Thatâ€™s where our foundation came from,â€? Adam said. â€œHe taught me that as a coach, you donâ€™t give up on a kid. Obviously you have standards and make them work to those standards, but you never know. One day, the light might come on, as my dad says.â€? â€œYou know, I saw my brother wrestling when I was growing up and I really enjoyed watching his matches over the years,â€? Alex commented. â€œI saw him doing that and thought thereâ€™s no reason that I canâ€™t either. â€œBut a lot of the credit goes to my dad. Itâ€™s pretty difficult to be a â€˜father-coach.â€™ Because of him, we fell in love with the sport and, obviously, weâ€™re still involved.â€? In grooming his sons into athletic champions and academic achievers â€” both Adam and Alex were valedictorians of their graduating class â€” Steve learned the value of expectations. â€œSetting expectations is the most important thing. Back in the old days, there were
>> PAGE 16
including long-time powerhouses and reigning state champions. One of these schools, however, bears particular significance for Alex Tirapelle. His alma mater, fifth-ranked Clovis High School, winners of five straight California State Championships, will fly to Philadelphia for the tournament. And Clovis coaches Steve and Adam Tirapelle â€” Alexâ€™s father and brother, respectively â€” will make the trip as well. Steve Tirapelle has been a fixture in West Coast wrestling for as long as most can remember. He first hit the mats in 1969 as a high school freshman before going on to earn NCAA All-American status at Humboldt State University, a Division II program. Being an athlete, however, was not the elder Tirapelleâ€™s true calling. â€œAt first, I just started wrestling because my brother did it,â€? Steve said. â€œEventually, though, I realized I loved the sport and loved coaching it even more.â€? Despite his exemplary results as a high school coach â€” 101 state medals, 25 individual state championships and seven team state championships â€” Steveâ€™s most impressive work is evident in the development of his sons. Adam, the oldest, won two California state championships under his fatherâ€™s tutelage and went on to become an NCAA national champion at Illinois. Alex followed his brother to Urbana-Champaign, earning two All-American distinctions and two Big Ten championships for the Illini.
consequences for not putting in the best effort to meet those expectations,â€? Steve said. â€œIt wasnâ€™t like today when you could say you donâ€™t like something and you can get out of it.â€? While the Tirapellesâ€™ success can be attributed to Steveâ€™s mentorship, it is clear that their achievements also stem from a deep mutual respect. One clear example of their strong familial bond was Adamâ€™s return to California, where he coaches Clovisâ€™ team alongside his dad. â€œWhen Adam came back to help out with [Clovis], it helped me out a lot,â€? Steve said. â€œIt gave me a lot more energy, a lot more bounce. I would have retired a few years ago if he hadnâ€™t come back.â€? Adam, meanwhile, was effusive with praise for his brotherâ€™s tenure as a full-time coach. â€œHeâ€™s very disciplined. Thereâ€™s a lot more to college wrestling than putting on the shoes and showing some moves,â€? Adam said. â€œHe has business degree, so he understands the organizational side of the things. He gets that aspect and he gets the recruiting aspect.â€? Alex, despite his excitement for his familyâ€™s impending arrival, understands the true purpose of their visit. â€œObviously, itâ€™s going to be great to see them. But, Iâ€™m sure theyâ€™ll be focused,â€? he said. â€œTheyâ€™re here for a reason.â€? One thingâ€™s for certain: If Steve and Adam can reach the podium on Saturday, the family reunion will be all the more enjoyable.
9 4 7 2 3
8 9 4 4
9 7 4 5 9
Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by-3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9. Solution to Previous Puzzle:
7 9 1
4 6 6
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The New York Times Syndication Sales Corporation 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10018 For Information Call: 1-800-972-3550 For Release Thursday, January 14, 2016
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NEWYORKTIMESCROSSWORDPUZZLE Crossword ACROSS 1 Young wolves 5 Unenviable situation 9 Bloke 13 Blues chanteuse Washington 14 That seĂąora 15 Build up 16 Geopolitical term introduced in the 2002 State of the Union 18 Game box specification 19 Infernal 20 One drawing alluring images 22 Wipes (out) 24 Phoenician or Palestinian 25 Treacherous bend 26 School of thought 28 Greasy spoon 29 White-tailed eagles
32 Succession within an ethnic group? 34 Question thoroughly 36 Obstacles seen four times in this puzzleâ€™s completed grid? 41 ___ toast 42 Disney friend of Flounder and Sebastian 43 Verbalize 44 ___ Stavro Blofeld (Bond archvillain) 47 Onetime NBC parent 48 â€œGet a roomâ€? elicitor, for short 51 Accrue hand over fist 54 Swirls 56 Something lost and returned in a fairy tale 59 City ENE of Cleveland, OH
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE W E E P
I S U P P C H O N O S N E E
B E A M U P
H A H A
I N F U S E
R O L L I N
Z E D B O I L C O E D S A L M I D C I A N N G S
G R A V E L
N E R U D A
J I A N G T S O L O B
A W D O A K M U T I T E E R A S A M S H A M R O V A S I G H B O E E N D
A S P E C T S B U T T
A B E T
L A D I D L A A P E E X L I S T V N I A S M A
E T A L I I
C E N T E R
A R P O T Z E N I D
E G A D
60 Setting for the George Clooney film â€œThe Descendantsâ€? 61 Poet who won a 1967 Pulitzer for â€œLive or Dieâ€? 63 Reputation 64 â€œItâ€? 65 One-named R&B singer with the hit â€œ1, 2 Stepâ€? 66 Have a dinner for, say 67 Actor McGregor 68 A crucible is a hard one
Edited by Will Shortz 1
DOWN 1 Spots for computer users 2 Hooks up 3 Turkish pooh-bah 4 Worker at a stable 5 Series of races 6 Singer befriended by a young Forrest Gump 7 Was an errant driver? 8 Sub choice 9 Go on and on and on 10 Salubrious 11 Pithecological study 12 Trying type 13 Terpsichoreâ€™s domain 17 Bone to pick? 21 Head of a conspiracy 23 Chicago Cubs Hall-of-Famer
PUZZLE BY TIMOTHY POLIN
27 â€œSurely not ME!?â€?
37 Lunar celebration
50 Lotus position in yoga, e.g.
30 Northern game
38 Like the core of the sun
31 Classic Mercedes roadsters 32 Honey-colored 33 Early afternoon ora 35 Flynn of film 36 Dallas institution, for short
39 Chow line? 40 â€œGunsâ€? 45 Opening word 46 Thus far, informally
53 Storied assassin 55 Song of the South 56 Typo, e.g. 57 Bring aboard
48 Several works of Michelangelo
58 Low hand?
49 Order out?
Online subscriptions: Todayâ€™s puzzle and more than 7,000 past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($39.95 a year). Read about and comment on each puzzle: nytimes.com/wordplay. Crosswords for young solvers: nytimes.com/studentcrosswords.
1 2 NEWS
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
THEDP.COM | THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN
DP HIGH CLASS OF 132 Most likely to take over the world
When Matthew Squid Ketelmen isn’t exercising his journalistic right to gossip about people, he can be found listening to One Direction and trying to get people to join some weird app called Peach. While Squid received multiple nominations (Best Dressed, Most Eligible Bachelor, Most Controversial, Most Likely To Eat Out Every Night, to name a few), his devotion to spending summers “on the Cape” proves most inspiring. After school Ketelman likes to SABS at Starbucks, serve as Theos Rush Chair, be skinny, and partake in Penn’s crazy nightlife! To spot this Squid, look no further than 4015 Walnut or his beloved Rodin dorm, where he will dedicate all of his time to serving those less humorous (read: either running UTB or sleeping). Word to the wise: don’t mess with this new EIC, he’s not afraid to start some drama.
Activities: McDonald’s Anonymous, serial What’s Goodly/Yik Yak commenter and voter, unofficial Sperry Topsider campus rep “I like the term ‘misunderstood.’ But I am a bit of a bad boy.” – Zayn Malik
Class Clown Emily Johns
Activities: Being hot, Dark Arts TA, teen angst, stunting on the haters "Black is the new black." -Kate Moss
For Ellie, the biggest hurdle to finding her happily ever after will be navigating her way to Utah — rumor has it that she missed the Mona Lisa on a tour of The Louvre. She might be using this relationship as a practice run with polygamy to prepare for going on The Bachelor, her first choice way for finding love. We just pray that men with bad grammar and lip biters are filtered out during “The Bachelor” search process. South East Asian dancing skills are a plus. But once cameras start rolling, let’s hope she’s not voted “most likely to get lost looking for the pool” again. Activities: Shower Beer Association (founding member), John Mayer is Love, John Mayer is Life Society “Don’t call my name, don’t call my name…” - Lady Gaga
Activities: Rice Pudding Eaters Guild, Netlix (and chill?) Fan Club “We can resurrect this video department.” –Steph Park, Carter Coudriet, Aaron Kelley, Matt Mizbani
Eureka, we found it! Susanna is the girl that everybody wants, but only one can get… unless it’s “like a week” after she breaks up with the other one. After a failed gubernatorial campaign her junior year of high school, Susanna fell back on her good looks, charm and bus-cuddling ability to bounce back with the boys. She lives by three mottos: MUN is FUN, YAG is SWAG, and ROSS is BOSS. If you ever want to hit her up behind Matt’s back, she eats, sleeps, studies and conducts all other business backstage for a million different shows. As long as you can beat out a certain pair of brothers for her favor, she won’t be able to Leeve you alone. Activities: Theater, Theater, Theater, Eric Appreciation Club “Get comfortable being uncomfortable.” –Michael Gallagher
Fortunately for Jess, her polygamous relationship is open. Her spouses don’t mind when she cozies up with a porn star to watch “The West Wing” or when the personal toy her mom gave her gets so overused that the motor dies. One of her previous partners has been known to go showerless, but let’s not forget the sweater that Jess wore every day in third grade. She cried when her mom threw it away. After school, Jess likes to excessively taste-test tea flavors, play raunchy games of Cards Against Humanity (don’t ask her what she thinks about in bed) and poorly apply cover-up to her neck. But one thing’s for sure: Jess is not a member of the high school golf team — she’s too worried people might accidentally slip her ball into the wrong hole.
Despite Dan “Junior” Spinelli’s priestly aspirations as a young boy, his past is marked with sin. He has a penchant for collecting women’s clothing — whether it’s a floral shirt or an undergarment his parent stumbles upon under his bed. Dan has specialized interests, particularly in indie comics. His favorite is a series called “Sex Criminals” about people who stop time when they orgasm. Though Dan has yet to hone this power, he has a knack for politics. Politics seems to creep into every aspect of his life — even mid-makeout, when asked about his position on gun control. An avid political junkie, he hopes to see America made great again — that is, if he doesn’t get MERTed on another elections night. But when it comes down to it, Junior will most likely marry a nice 5’2” Irish girl — strictly within the budget he set in his high school essay on his Catholic dream wedding. Just remember, Dan, no man shots at the bachelor party.
It’s a good thing multiple lovers are allowed in Utah, because Caroline pulls. Whether she’s bae hunting on LinkedIn (250 or over to ride) or inspiring thousands of lines of nausea-inducing Greekinspired poetry, nothing can compare with her “raw sexiness.” Even her addiction to The Great British Baking Show can’t keep President Bartlett at bay — but the rest of the board sure isn’t complaining about her slutty brownies. She displayed a lack of decorum — and a lack of discretion — at the annual DP Halloween party. Gentlemen, take note: Even if Caroline invites you to her formal, it’s no promise you’ve got it in the [bean]bag. Just don’t booty call her before 8 PM. Activities: Bean bag appreciation society, elevated surface disorganization, Stay at Home Mom training club “You’re not the nice Jewish boy I thought you were.”
Most likely to be the new Rat Pack
Sports Editors Tom Nowlan Tom may not listen to a whole lot of Sinatra in his spare time, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t enjoy a nice glass of the hard stuff like Ol’ Blue Eyes himself. In fact, the least decorous of the DPOSTM Toms was also voted “Most Likely to Pregame the Ego Photo Shoot.” Maybe his continual intoxication is the key to his legendary lede game and Houdini-like avoidance of SEPTA cops. After all, the self-appointed DPOSTM pledgemaster got himself into by far his stickiest situation when he was stone-cold sober at the wheel, stranded in the middle of nowhere (although it was really the passenger that blew it). But hey, when your little sister has your back, I guess ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
Once the Gerard Depardieu of Flomax commercials, Nick Buchta is ready for the next stage of his sure-to-be cut short life. He just hopes it goes better than Cleveland sports have over the past 60 years or so. It’s hard to think of a better leader of the DPOSTM rat pack; don’t worry, we’ll ignore that the future Mr. Antawn Jamison runs like Bartolo Colon and dropped more passes in the Kamin Cup than the Browns have fired head coaches in the past decade. Have no fear: The man who was voted Most Likely to Spend the Entire DP Travel Budget knows how to treat a staff right. After all, Carol knows perfectly well that Books is the man to love you sweetly. Between treating his latest girlfriend to a matinee showing of Titanic to snorkeling into Dick Rader’s DMs, this cat is as loyal as they come … unless you rightfully think a hot dog is not a sandwich. Here’s looking at you, kid. Activities: Cooking Italian food, general motherly duties, terrible travel habits, being a curmudgeon “If I’m going to get waterboarded, I’m not going to pay for it.” -Nick Buchta
You may think it’s odd that the boy who looks a bit like your friend’s 12-yearold brother whose balls haven’t dropped yet would pick a twitter fight with the brother of Cavalier’s star J.R. Smith. But if you’re that boy, fueled by the strength of a nightly post-dinner veggie plate and never discouraged by overall lack of muscle mass, you know you can hide behind your 82,000 twitter followers. And you also know that worst case scenario you can call on your upstairs neighbor Jerry Seinfeld to come rushing to your defense. And that twitter fight is not the only time that good old Memes has defied all odds to disrupt the ranks of power - he’s been known to dunk on the DP’s very own President in nothing other than jeans. JEANS. He may not have ever seen a naked woman before, but at least he’s seen a few championships in his day. Oh wait, he’s a Knicks, Jets and Mets fan.
This relationship isn’t a secret. Voted “Cutest Couple,” along with Tommy ‘Memes’ Rothman, everyone’s favorite aquatic sports editor is back for another year. While she might just be staying for the spring semester, this Smarf-hating #sexualpredator has already left her legacy at the DP. Hopefully, with only five more months on board, the future Mrs. Swanson doesn’t forget to enjoy Cinco de Mayo once again. We all know “The Swimmer” is really in a three-way marriage with Ben and Jerry, but that will never stop her from looking out for the Michigan Man (not named Thomas Munson) of her (wildest) dreams. Lainerd missed out on registration for Ms. Central Pennsylvania 2015, but there’s always cheerleading to fall back on — it can’t be that hard.
Activities: Yoga, Photoshop Club "It’s not a non-sequitur if the conversation never ended in your head.” - Memes (probably)
Activities: Traversing aquatic bodies, delegating, memes “Titties” – email@example.com
Activities: Lacrosse, playing to win the game, sticking up for Snyder “I will fight to protect the freedom of press that my brother so admirably enjoys.” – Noah Hartzell
Activities: Irish Appreciation Club, Future Priests of America “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” -Donald Trump
To be fair, Carter is a product of his environment, and a four-person... sleepover... in his room last year didn’t help his trashed reputation. What was even more shocking was Carter going back for seconds. This Jersey boy came a long way from the days when he let Jesus take the wheel, (that is, when his beardlessness left him looking like a child lost at his bar mitzvah). Ultimately, dating girls five inches taller than him and being a goody two-shoes Catholic school kid weren’t his thing — he prefers the sewer scene and leaving presents on his girlfriends’ backs. Even his wall decor has a checkered past. There’s only one question left: Team Joyce or Team Ilana?
Sure, she SAYS she’s going to be nicer in 2016, but Joyce Varma is a loud, assertive, even aggressive titan of media who will NOT take no for an answer (or, at frat parties, won’t leave until she gets a yes). She commands an army of loyal (re: terrified) followers, although that army would have been larger if she had hired more soldiers than she thought she needed. She would rather scream into the void than lose. She is efficient, preferring to slide down stairs than walk. She is a dynamic, prolific leader of the Penn social scene, as the gentlemen of Phi Psi, Castle, Tap House and Center City can verify. She’s a staunch vegan, because she gets enough meat otherwise. Even the men at MERT have had the honor of handling her body. Her one weakness: her predecessor/husband/ex-husband/one true love.
Activities: Pizza B*tch, SCUE-slessness, Fisher Fine Arts vent inspector “Sir, step out of the sewer please.” - Metuchen police officer
Activities: Maroon 5 Fan Club, Penn Cheerleading, Bright Colors Club “Sugar/ Yes, please (please)/ Won't you come and put it down on me (down on me)?” –Joyce’s computer for hours and hours and hours
Most likely to be carded when they're 30 Kate Jeon
Kate Jeon will be remembered as the cutey patuty of the 131, but do not let her outside appearance foul you. Despite her petite size, no one can outmatch Kate in a meat eating contest. It’s said that only a nice juicy steak will satiate Kate’s appetite. Medium rare. However, if you like her stuffed snail that looks like a chubby potato and is named Potato, then maybe just maybe she won’t snatch away your red meat. Of the meat Kate frequents though, fish is usually not among them, especially after what happened with her pet fish on her birthday. All three of them died, but no worries, she got some new ones on the same day, which she named right away.
Alex is one of Penn’s roguest engineers, on the verge of transferring to the College for an art degree. But he’s still too scared to play some video games himself, so he’ll settle for the YouTube highlights. Perhaps one too many close calls in the elevator got to him. You might recognize Alex from that Panic! At the Disco concert (which he attended only after listening to the band’s full albums, of course) or from picking food off your plate in mass quantities. And excuse his manners — he’s been known to chew aggressively while tweeting out loud.
Activities: Carnivore Club of America, professional fly killer, RA Enthusiasts Society “I think it's kinda flawed to say that most of them will not have read it.” -Savage Jeon
Audience Engagement Editor
Cutest couple If you like incredibly verbose conversations about technical bullshit, then Mizbani is the more than enough man for you. There must be many ladies (somehow) into Upstate New York’s finest videographer’s knowledge. He never sleeps in his own bed, which means he’s not sleeping, editing videos or doing some third thing. Every date is a story assignment, and he makes sure to use all 35 mm of his “lens” – even if he has to skip every Econ class. He’s the life of every party, accomplishing the rare feat of being at two BYO’s at once while being a self-proclaimed really good DJ. Just don’t get his branch of the IAA wrong – he lives his SPEV pride.
Activities: On and off member of the Vegetarian Society, Hair Chewers Anonymous "want…is the gobbler still…please bring me it..k don’t knoe sory :(“ – Emma Harvey
Activities: Harry Potter sexual fan fiction club, lead chef in the microwavable meal club, competent drunks anonymous “He ate his TOENAILS?” - everyone
If you know Emily Johns you're probably saying, “Emily Johns is not a class clown.” Well, let me, yearbook editor, tell you that humor comes in many different shapes and forms: like a small blonde girl whose wardrobe is as black as ash. Emily is the jeSDTer of the castle and you better believe her jokes are on fire. If you show up prepare to get RoaSDTed like a roll of toilet paper thrown in a closet. When you see her coming better Lo-run-zo for your life. Honestly, she's the beSDT and Penn is lucky to have her spirited halfsmile running the Street. Look out @thescene.
Get your mind out of the gutter fellas, Emma Harvey already has a boyfriend, and we're talking about her hair situation (mostly). Known around school just as "bangs", she may not look like your typical head of business at first glance. She rules this school decked out in one of her approximately 2.7 flannels and 1.5 pairs of leggings she keeps on rotation (she dropped yellow pants from her wardrobe after some rude comments about that particular fashion choice). But don't judge her by her complete lack of business clothes. This PPE and Comp Sci double major has four minors and still gets out of class at 4:20PM. She eats biz baddies for breakfast… then a jar of queso, a box of Cheez-Its, and a box of Oreos for second breakfast. Prepare yourselves: this Notorious B.I.Z. has a handle on all 3 B’s of Business: bills, babes, and of course… bangs.
Most likely to run away to Utah and marry each other
Most likely to summer on the cape Matt Keleman
Activities: Bumble “I ain’t got no type, bad bitches is the only thing that I like.”
34th Street Editor-inChief
Lauren is quite the overachiever. You might spot her at a journalism conference before she ducks away to “hit it off” with some old friends, or working off her butt injury on Pottruck’s elliptical machine. Like any sceney Manhattanite, she enjoys eating hot dogs (with a bun) and posing for professional photos with her dog Sassy, shot by her dad of course. Baby baes, don’t waste your time with this Jewish Youth Group president — Lauren only traps herself in bedrooms with burly, chest-haired men. She might seem Rude if you rub her the wrong way, but this ice queen is too busy (in her parents' bed) with Fling security guards to deal with you. Someday, if she’s lucky, she hopes to work it for LinkedIn.
Activities: Slav squatting, chess, being whiter than you “Nazareth, Pennsylvania, where the boys are men and the sheep know it.” - Anonymous
Most of us think that once we graduate high school, it’s over for good. We come to college thinking that those awkward teenage years are far behind us. But a lucky few make their way to DP High. Here at DP High there is drama, gossip, cliques, identity crises, alcohol, love triangles, hooking up and so much more. For the newest class of DP High, we award the following superlatives:
Business Emma Harvey Manager
He may be from Nazareth, but he’s no Jesus. Instead, this aspiring “rap” “musician” who hails from one of the whitest towns in America (seriously, it’s 99 percent white people up there) may be best known for the period in which he looked nearly indistinguishable from Sigourney Weaver. Some say he went through that dark period of trying to grow a man bun to make up for being objectively less attractive than his brother. Others say it was to cope with having Amy Gutmann for a mother. Unfortunately for everyone else, though, once the hair got chopped he began coping by overexerting himself at every opportunity about a certain radio show on WQHS. Despite it all, he still tries to conquer the world. Will he hit one out of the park #eggplantemoji style? Or just stay single and settle for #AnalBoard?
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Activities: Twenty One Pilots entourage, Sound Tech Enthusiasts Society “My favorite time of day is to get up and eat leftovers from dinner, especially spicy food.” -David Byrne
Ilana Wurman Ilana has been carded almost as many times as someone has commented on her righteous Asian glow. When not being carded, she enjoys waking up to Sharpie on her “cheeks” and being voted most basic DP production editor (don’t get her started about kale.) Ilana’s been known to make impressions on the gents, so much so that her ex-boyfriend hit her up after his latest breakup and occasional “curler burns” appear on her neck. Poor Ilana has had to find a way to live up to her grandfather founding TEDtalks and her dad’s storm chaser career. Fortunately, her uber close relationship with her sisters helps. Unfortunately, her sisters have to face the occasional accidental eggplant “emoji” from a corn-loving ginger. Activities: Inappropriate Spam Texts Club, Third-Wheelers Anonymous “We’re only getting older, baby/ And I’ve been thinking about it lately/ Does it ever drive you crazy/ How you’re still 11.” -One Direction
Most likely to be instagram famous Julio Sosa
Julio, a South Florida native, is a sophomore in the College studying biology. He moved up to Philly just to get his degree, but he’s finding it hard to see the prospects of an Ivy education. Julio likes to think that he "spits fire." With his mildly sunny disposition and attempts to rap along with Kanye, Julio often reminds one of a relatively hip teddy bear. He enjoys posting cover photos of various flowering trees. His hobbies include following people around and taking photos of them eating food. Sometimes he takes selfies in the snow. He feels a deep connection to squirrels, especially the sassy ones. He haaaaaaaaaates glue. This is really all we know about Julio. He is a mystery — the enigma of the Photo Department.
What could be said about Ananya Chandra? Exciting? Wild? Unpredictable? Scandalous? No. None of these things, Ananya Chandra is the most innocent person with the cleanest past. Could we make some sort of phallic joke about her playing the flute? Can’t. Some joke about her tennis grunts being coital? Tried, but failed. Something about her continuing a trend for eventually hooking up with a fellow production editor? This girl literally sprinted out of a fraternity party because she was scared. The best we have is that she was locked out of her room in a bathrobe, and we don’t even want to make fun of that; she’s the kind of person that makes you feel bad for her in such a situation. Shame on you for being so lame and innocent.
Activities: Squirrel Society, Krispy Krang “Sorry I f**ked your b*tch” – Julio Sosa
Activities: Stealing champagne, stealing cardboard cutouts “Ins drunk af” -@goingbananyas
Ed note: It’s Kahoe like “’kay, [you] ho”, not like Tahoe (the lake and the car) with a K. Carson likes to surround himself with many friends but does make enemies quickly for shitting on them too much. He does however claim that these are insults out of love and has been pretty welcoming and friendly to all. But don't ask him to join your threesome because that’s a curricular for which he would rather not be an extra. He loves caring for all things, which is why he is perfect as the DP’s new Photo “Manger” and has a great vision to elevate the DP by bringing ocelots and mules into the picture. Activities: lumberjacking, iced tea swilling, pretending he doesn’t have large arms, Photography Club, the Lost and Found Club, and Future Farmers of America “Is there any way you could break the law for me?”
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
Sunny Chen Sunny may seem nice and innocent, but in actuality, she thinks she’s better than everyone else. Until recently, she refused to give anyone hugs. She gave them as “gifts” to people on only the most special of occasions. Being a human sometimes disgust her so much that she’ll start acting like a cat or hamster instead. Much more honorable creatures. Not much is known about this quiet Ohioan Penngineer, but a source (aka, her boy toy) told us that if you ever see her absorbed in her laptop during class, she is most likely browsing the Neopets dailies. Gotta get those free Neopoint packs, y’know? She is also awful at elephant impressions — elephants don’t say elephant, okay? Activities: Neopets Lovers Society, stressing out over engineering “Meow.” - Sunny, so we’ve heard
Lucien can be described in three words: Wharton, Wharton, and Wharton. When he’s not in a GSR or in the office, he can usually be found napping anywhere and everywhere. He once fell asleep during class, and everyone left him behind. This Hong Kong native has a big mouth. His vocal prowess is unsurprising considering that in high school he was the WORLD CHAMPION in interpretive reading. (There’s a video. You’re welcome). He uses this talent in several ways, whether it be calling articles “literally toilet paper” so loudly that the entire office can hear him or giving a rousing rendition of “Fifty Shades of Grey” (Also recorded. You’re welcome.) He calls cheese whiz and Go-Gurt disgusting American inventions, but calls Sriracha “man’s greatest invention.” In his free time, he likes “rolling” around on high rise field. Activities: complaining about America, Nappers Anonymous, “Is My Sweater Too Red” Society “I don’t make love. I f*ck. Hard.” - Christian Grey
Street Design Editors
Biggest sweet tooth Michelle Terng When Michelle “Shelle” Terng isn’t busy being the president of the Grant Gustin Fan Club, she’s out getting Starbucks and getting her name spelled just a little bit off. Her many achievements include getting first place in hiding-embarrassingsecrets-about-yourself. The only time you can catch her not being 100 percent graceful is when she’s faced with her one true enemy: doors. Do you push?? Do you pull??? Who knows. Don’t be fooled by her innocent demeanor — ask her about the time she ran from the cops. Activities: National Sweets Society, following photography portfolio guidelines “How are you not cold? It’s like 70 degrees right now.” - Michelle at some point, probably
Remi Lederman & Jeffrey Yang Jeffrey and Remi may look like innocent freshmen chock-full of InDesign shortcuts, but if you know one thing about them, you know they are actually stealthy, conniving little weasels. Do you know why their hair is so big? It’s full of freaking secrets. While the other Street editors spend the majority of their waking hours in the office 1) gossiping, 2) crying about their love lives, 3) eating Snyder’s butter snaps and 4) wreaking havoc, babies Jeffrey and Remi sit, smirk and silently collect the deepest darkest secrets of every staff member, categorizing them into a vaulted file cabinet and plotting their supreme revenge on staff for eating most of the pretzels. Critics are skeptical of what damage their tiny freshman hands could really do with these soul-splitting morsels of gossip, but it is rumored that just in case, previous editors will be locking them into the Street office for the spring semester. Activities: Hairy Potter Club, Chewbaca Appreciation Society Volunteers, Scissoring, EHairmony “Hair I am, once again. I’m falling to pieces (in the salon).” -Kelly Clarkson
Most likely to adopt 10 cats Kristen Grabarz
After years of communicating through strategic hissing and eating mostly with her face, Kristen is ready to take on 10 cats. The serial monogamist first began chasing thunderbolts when she met a man who understood how to make a woman... precipitate. Though that young love dried up, things took a more dramatic turn than in “Store Hold Up With LEGOS” after one fateful date night. While her current bae may be busy playin COD on the reg, he’s not too tied up to stop her from vehemently harassing DJs that won’t play the remix to Ignition. The two may seem like siblings when they go out, but they’re no Lannister twins. Passersby can hear them roar in Central Park and on certain off-campus rooftops. Though these animals may take some time away from her Snapchatting, she’ll never give up her ziploc bags filled with rum.
Activities: Island Affairs Association, El Nino Enthusiasts Club, Pudding Lovers United *hissing noise*
Steak, Chicken, Shrimp & Grilled Vegetables
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Isabel Kim is a pretentious bastard. Or so she says. Isabel Kim is a potato chip. Or so she says. Isabel Kim is the wind. Or so. She. Says. When not writing crazed descriptions about herself on the internet, Isabel spends her time pretending she’s not any good at art and actually creating bomb ass murals and other works of greatness. Rumor has it that she does “crazy things” with her friends, but most were apparently too crazy to report. Like any self respecting individual, she will binge-watch Netflix, but she never takes a long enough break to learn how to ride a f*cking bike.
Activities: Occasionally being a human being “We’re datingish, I think” - The dream she had one night when she was 12 years old that she only vaguely remembered with the indistinct memories of youth
Most likely to succeed
Saumya Khaitan When it comes to Saumya Khaitan, you better be careful if you don’t want to be wrapped around her finger. Joining the 132nd Board as the DP’s new Advertising Manager, Saumya will be hitting the streets of Philadelphia to show you who’s boss. You may recognize her from hanging around the DP office or the Student Federal Credit Union, but don’t be fooled — Saumya’s got a few, ΣNaky tricks up her sleeve. When she’s not trying to sell you on a new way to improve your business or teaching one of her advertising representatives to do the same, rumor has it that Saumya likes to bond with other members of her department in a much more … personal way. But hey, we don’t want to give too much about her methods away. We’ll just let her results speak for themselves … Activities: Balancing “sheets,” providing “service” Quote: “Cheese is love. Cheese is life.”
Business Analytics Manager
DP High’s secret weapon, Megha Agarwal, is here to win. It’s clear why: This Finance superstar hits the books even when her main hang Huntsman is closed, is regularly quoted by PPI and even worked at your boy Barack’s house. Her department didn’t even exist last semester, so success is in her veins. She’s been highkey called the mom of the group, but the insiders at DP High know the lowkey story: she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom (no, not actually a mom; that’s her younger brother). Maybe a little too cool, if you ask some men in uniform on a certain metro ride this summer or the DFMO in which she basically became an acrobat. She may have some weaknesses (nerdy white guys, anyone?), but hey, those deets are safe with us. After all, what’s work with no play? It’s the work hard, play hard life for this main bae. Activities: The Illuminati Quote: “That’s why her hair is so big, it’s full of secrets!” – people about Megha, probably.
Most likely to survive the hunger games DPICT Director
Street Photo Director
Most eligible bachelor
Clocking in at a smidge above five feet, Briella Meglio is a force to be reckoned with. She’ll be joining the 132nd Board as the Director of Internal Consulting, but you’ve probably seen her hanging around the front office or selling ads to local businesses. That, or you’ve been subject to her tact in some form or another, known or unknown. Make sure to keep your belongings close when it comes to Briella, because if this resourceful new board member sees something she likes, all bets are off. Don’t be too afraid of her though (street name: Breezus) — she knows how to have a good time. Word on the street is, she had a little too much fun at the ZBT house over Labor Day weekend. But hey, the creative mind knows no bounds. Activities: Talking for all to hear, acting taller than she actually is, making money Quote: “I just talked to Jesus / He said, ‘What up, Breezus?’ - Yeezus
Most likely to join the CIA
Corey Fader Corey Fader makes panties drop because he knows what’s going on with female anatomy. Let me, your faithful Yearbook Editor, escort you through a night with Mr. Fader. First, Corey takes the ladies on a scenic hoverboard ride to his Radian pad, where treats them to a pizza of his liking (read: cheese). Then, he feeds them the milk of fake teets — which is tequila. The sexual touching progresses when he strokes their egos with his casual Cole Haans. Next, Corey demonstrates his proficiency with a jumbo tampon. And as a final souvenir, ladies can relive the entire night’s action with Corey’s homemade drone videos/softCore(y) porn. This is why Corey Fader can’t walk through Huntsman without kisses from at least 132 of his girlfriends.
Andrew Fischer has a lot of arcane knowledge about computers. As the new Director of Online Projects, he can talk at the DP, using computer jargon words that nobody knows, for hours. Describing himself as “not that great at front end,” he is really great at front end. He set up two monitors at his desk and looks like he is always working on something complicated. We have equal hope for him as the organizer of pizza delivery to the Daily Pennsylvanian. There has been a great drought of pizza feeding the editors of our newspaper, and we certainly hope that the pizza can flow once more. This probably should be his top priority.
Activities: The Vagina Monologues Apprentice, Women’s Crew coxswain “I just f*cked your b*tch in some Gucci flip flops.” -Future
Activities: Lauren Feiner’s Jewish Youth Group “If you let my daughter go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will make you download Slack.” -Liam Neeson
Tequila-Fired Fajita Night DJ | 10PM-2AM
Director of Online Projects
The UPS Store
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This introduction isn’t necessary. You’ve already seen him on the compass, taken two to five newspapers from him, and then written to Penn Admirers about it. Max Kurucar is here to circulate, and circulate he does: There isn’t a student on campus who hasn’t been treated to his charming smile and behind-the-back handout. This former football star is a hit with the ladies, trading punts for phone numbers. A man for every formal, Max is so popular he asked to bring a date from Smoke’s to initiation night. But hey, who can blame him? There’s a reason this circulation manager is the face of the DP… and was asked, multiple times, to strip and hand out papers with only a DP for coverage. All for the good of the school. Next time you catch this stud rolling heavy carts with ease or shouting headlines, make sure to stop for your 15 minutes of flirt.
Lindsey Goan Lindsey is a short, sassy member of the Tri Delta Sorority. When she is not at The DP, you can find her studying hard for Econ, SABSing at Metro or dartying it up on a Saturday. Lindsey loves crop tops, elevated surfaces and pizza. She spent last semester traipsing around Europe and studying abroad in London (check out her exorbitant number of selfies on Facebook for proof). Lindsey is the social media queen and all her Instagram posts, mainly of food, get way more likes than yours. Good thing she will be taking over as Marketing Manager for this upcoming year! When she is in the office, she is likely munching on some salty snack at her desk from CVS, but probably not photographing it. Basically, she’s just too cool for us but loves working here anyway. Activities: Partying elsewhere “You can’t sit with me.” - Regina George
Activities: flirt tutoring, modeling, freshman football team *swoon* - everyone passing by the compass Whether she's rocking a wedding dress because she's an independent woman who don't need no man or wearing nothing but a cover of her favorite magazine (#Street4lyfe), Mikaela Gilbert–Lurie always reps school spirit. Not only can she get everyone pumped up with her killer rap stylings, but she also manages to make any room funnier. The girl throws one-liners faster than a Yankees' pitcher, and if her writing doesn't make you pee your pants, you should probably see a doctor because there is definitely something wrong with you. The only thing this girl loves more than Penn is the absence of an Oxford comma.
Street Managing Editor
Best school spirit
was quick to point out. “It’s tedious to be able to call and make sure it’s right and get 35 people wherever all in a timely fashion,” he remarked. “So I want to make sure the credit goes to Christine, that made this great location into a phenomenal trip because of her skill set.” It helped that this was not the first trip of its kind for either McCollum or McLaughlin. In 2006, while McLaughlin was coach at Holy Family and McCollum was a freshman forward on the team, the Tigers made a similar venture to
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were going to come home, and then coordinating hotels from there, obviously based around our games,” she said. “Figuring out how many days we would need to recover from the long travel, practice before our first game and then also after the fact have a day, day and a half after we play our last game to enjoy the island before we head back.” McCollum took care the trip from every angle, something McLaughlin
Giulia, pronounced GOOOLEEEYAA, should be called Goliatha. She's really tall, so you know she stands out in a crowd of average-sized people. Giulia has towered over many state fairs. According to her LinkedIn profile, she's also proficient in Microsoft Office. Giulia is not a foolia; she went abroad to France and towered over the Eiffel Tower. At age four, Giulia wore adult-sized Doc Marten's. Starbucks is adding a new size to their drink lineup: tall, grande, venti and now, Giulia. When people tell fake stories, they are no longer tell "tall tales," they tell "Giulia tales." Giulia is also really fucking good at social media so follow her or be irrelevant or she'll stomp on you like stomped across the Great Lakes and ended up at Penn.
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Most likely to be too cool for our parties
Activities: living, laughing, loving “If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.”
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
Hawaii. That experience with Holy Family served as a rough model as the Quakers planned their version of the trip. “When I played for [McLaughlin] at Holy Family, we came here my freshman year, so I remembered a lot of things that we had done that they had coordinated for us when we came out here on that team trip,” McCollum explained. “So we kind of went from there and tried to figure out what we’ll have time to do based on the games.” The biggest issue with creating the schedule for Hawaii was striking
a balance between work and play. After arriving on the island on Tuesday, the Red and Blue played games on Thursday and Saturday. When it wasn’t game day, practices still went on and the team used the Rainbow Warriors’ facilities to stay sharp while dealing with the effects of the time change. Yet the Quakers still found time to make the most of what the island offered. While McCollum scheduled team dinners, a luau, snorkeling and a trip to Pearl Harbor for the team, there was also a considerable degree of freedom in letting the
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FactCheck.org, the award-winning political website at the Annenberg Public Policy Center of the University of Pennsylvania, is now accepting applications for its 2016–17 undergraduate fellowship program. The next class of undergrads will be trained during an eight-week, paid summer program at FactCheck’s offices at APPC from May 30–July 22. Those who are trained this summer must agree to work 10 to 15 hours per week at FactCheck.org during the fall and spring semesters, if their work merits continued employment. The fellows at FactCheck.org help our staff monitor the factual accuracy of claims made by political figures in TV ads, debates, speeches, interviews and news releases. They help conduct research on such claims and contribute to articles for publication on our website under the supervision of FactCheck.org staff. The fellows must have an ability to write clearly and concisely, an understanding of journalistic practices and ethics, and an interest in politics and public policy. The fellows also must be able to think independently and set aside any partisan biases. If you are interested, please submit your resume and two writing samples by the Feb. 8 deadline to FactCheck.org Deputy Managing Editor Rob Farley at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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players set their own directions. Everyone got what they wanted out of the trip. The team won two games. Every day offered some form of team activity. And the players and the families who made the trip as well had the chance to have fun on their own. To McLaughlin, the benefits of such a trip will be felt for a long time. “I think for the short term it can only benefit a group to be together this long. As I said, they genuinely like each other so it was great,” he commented as the team readied to leave Monday.
“For the long term it’s something that helps the program. You know, I think it puts the recruiting out there, that we’ll travel, we’ll do things that could be a separator between our university and someone else’s because we value this type of experience for our players.” And for McCollum, McLaughlin made the case for her to take a vacation of her own. “I know the tireless hours she put in late at night, early in the morning. She’s a perfectionist and she wanted the best for everyone, and I think she did it.”
10 Penn student-athletes were rewarded for their exploits in the classroom over break
With another tri-meet on the docket, Ivy season is heating up for Penn swimming
>> SEE PAGE 10
>> SEE PAGE 10
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
Looking back at break 1. Squash
2. M. Hoops
4. W. Hoops
Both the men and women contingents suffered their first losses of the season over the break, falling to Harvard with identical scorelines of 3-6. Against the No.6 Crimson men, the No.2 Red and Blue went in as favorites but failed to break the decadeslong losing streak. On the women’s side, the Penn-Harvard matchup was a battle between the top two ranked teams in the nation with the Quakers taking the underdog spot. A day later, both Penn teams recovered with victories over Dartmouth. The men eked out a hard-fought 5-4 win, whereas the women comfortably swept their opponents with a 9-0 showing.
Winter break represented an uneven stretch for the Red and Blue, as Penn went 2-3 in five contests, including two Big 5 matchups and its Ivy League opener. The Quakers took down Ursinus in a closerthan-expected affair on Dec. 19 as Matt Howard recorded his first collegiate double-double. Over the course of the next week, Penn kept it local, falling in a heartbreaker to Drexel in overtime before getting demolished by Villanova on Dec. 28. Although the Red and Blue did fall in overtime again over the weekend — this time to Princeton — the team's win over Binghamton on Jan. 2 left plenty of room for optimism, as freshman Jackson Donahue had 17 points.
In the final installment of the three-part North American Cup, the Red and Blue sent 14 fencers to compete in St. Louis. Four fought their way to finish in the top 32 by the tournament’s end. Julian Merchant, Arabella Uhry, Stephanie Wolf and Alejandra Trumble shined for the Quakers in the four-day event. Merchant placed 17th in men’s sabre, while Uhry placed 22nd in women’s sabre. Wolf also came in 22nd for the junior women’s epee category, and Trumble rounded out Penn’s highlights with a 31st place in women’s epee section. Coach Andy Ma was pleased with the team’s performance but pointed out that the lingering effects of break mean the tournament wasn’t the best indicator of the team’s potential.
You'd be hard pressed to find a team with a more exciting break than Penn women's basketball. After falling to Big 5 rival St. Joseph's before finals, the Quakers rebounded with a thrilling win over Drexel, one that clinched coach Mike McLaughlin's 500th career victory. After Penn followed that up with a 28-point romp against Wagner, the squad traveled across the Pacific to Hawaii, where it easily handled BYU-Hawaii and held off a late surge by Hawaii on Jan. 2. The highlight of the new year so far, however, is undoubtedly the Red and Blue's 50-48 win over Princeton last weekend. In holding off the Tigers, Penn secured its first home win over its rival since 2008.
Penn’s grapplers enjoyed a time of relative rest over the majority of winter break. However, they did find time to take to the mats over the past two weekends, with differing results. On New Year’s Day, the Quakers made the trek to Chattanooga, Tenn., to compete in the highly-competitive Southern Scuffle. Over the course of the two-day tournament, the Red and Blue finished in the top 10 of the 28 teams competing, propelled by a surprised third-place finish from senior 174-pounder Casey Kent. The squad found less success the following weekend in its dual meet against No. 10 Lehigh, managing only three individual victories — from Kent, fellow senior C.J. Cobb and junior Caleb Richardson — en route to a 27-10 defeat.
On the men's side, the Quakers handed Yale their only loss of the season with a decisive 178-122 victory over the Bulldogs. Against Dartmouth, Penn cruised to a comfortable 227-71 win. Of all of Penn's nine event victories, senior Chris Swanson's performance in the 1000-yard freestyle stands out — his time of 9:11.41 broke a 36-year-old record previously held by Bobby Hackett, an Olympic silver medalist. While the star performers on the women's side, including junior sprinter Rochelle Dong, continued their dominant 2015-16 campaigns against the Bulldogs and Big Green, the team would split results with their Ivy foes, falling to Yale 195-105 and sailing by Dartmouth 234-66.
Family comes first
Putting together a trip to paradise one piece at a time
WRESTLING | Palestra
hosts HS tournament
W. HOOPS | Hawaii
excursion a success
Penn wrestling coach Alex Tirapelle likes to stress the importance of communication to his athletes. He urges them to approach the coaching staff with their problems — athletic, academic or personal. He claims that any team must be like a family in order to truly succeed. This approach is not surprising; for Tirapelle, wrestling and family are one and the same. This weekend, the Palestra will play host to FloWrestling’s inaugural Who’s Number 1 Duals Tournament. The competition, formatted as a round robin, features the cream of the crop of high school wrestling. Of the eight teams slated to hit the mats on Saturday, five rank in the top 10 nationwide, SEE WRESTLING PAGE 11
NICK BUCHTA Senior Sports Editor-Elect
DP FILE PHOTO
The Palestra will host eight high school teams for the Who’s Number 1 Duals Tournament, one of which is led by coach Alex Tirapelle’s father and brother.
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For Penn women’s basketball, getting to Hawaii was more than just making sure they got 35 tickets to paradise. The team spent just under a week on the Hawaiian island of Oahu from Dec. 29 to Jan. 4, playing two games in addition to practices, team activities and sightseeing. Making all of this happen was no easy feat. It fell upon freshly minted Director of Basketball Operations Christine McCollum to make the trip a reality. After taking on the role in late May, McCollum was tasked with planning the logistical details of the week in Hawaii, ensuring that all of the necessary pieces were in place and accounted for. Although the trip had been in the works for some time before McCollum’s arrival on staff,
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only the basic framework of the journey had been established at that point. In fact, Penn coach Mike McLaughlin says the idea to go to Hawaii had been floating around his head as far back as his second year at Penn, in 2009. It wasn’t until mid-2014, however, the trip began to shape into form. Before real planning could start, the team needed approval from Athletic Director Grace Calhoun and Alanna Shanahan, the assistant athletic director who works directly with the program. Their approval came quickly. “I constantly communicated with Alanna about what we’re looking at, how many days, in terms of trying to manage within what we’re asked to do,” McLaughlin explained. “They’re phenomenal with that, they understand to coordinate this with a young group. It’s a great experience.” Next for the staff was determining the two games to be scheduled for the team’s time on the island. Hawaii was added first and was an easy fit,
according to McLaughlin, because it had an open date that fit right in after Penn’s finals and post-Christmas. The greater difficulty lay in finding a second team to play. Eventually, the coaches settled on BYU-Hawaii, a Division II school on the north end of the island. From there, McCollum took over. “I do all of that stuff,” McCollum explained, discussing the logistical planning that went into the trip, “so the coaches, they don’t have to worry about any of it.” There was a basic structure around which McCollum operated. Although new to her role at Penn, she threw herself at putting the trip together and in particular sought advice from the football team’s staff on how to coordinate with a larger-than-usual travel party. “So that was the first step, figuring out which day we were going to leave, which day we SEE W. HOOPS PAGE 15 CONTACT US: 215-422-4640