Let’s Stay on the Grow Treasure Island!
REACTIVE & CREATIVE Consist of the same letters Will you REACT [cause & effect] -orCREATE [cause the effect]
FEEDBACK Leads to BALANCE
What is the Best Vitamin for a “Drama Free” Communicator? Answer: “B1”
SETTING A BOUNDARY COMMUNICATES: ● You are accountable for yourself ● You are committed to self respect ● You will protect your integrity ● You are able to enjoy balanced relationships with others
STEP 1 EXPLORE
YOUR THINKING
Offer some general stressful thoughts you have about this person IS: EXPLORE THE ISSUE
Offer some general advice for this person S/he Should/Shouldn’t: S/he Ought to: S/he Must: S/he Needs to: S/he Has to: OFFER SOME ADVICE
STEP 2 IDENTIFY THE ISSUE
“A Problem Well Stated is a Problem Half Solved”
TURN A COMPLAINT INTO A REQUEST Turn your “Complaints” [what you don’t want| S/he is lazy] into “Requests” [what you want | I would like him/her to help me clean the house]. Example: “S/he is unprofessional,” turns into the request of, “I would like him/her to refrain from all personal calls during work hours.” ISSUE OPTION 1
TURN AN OPINION INTO A FACT Turn your “opinions” [subjective] into “facts” [objective]. Examples: . Opinion Fact . S/he is rude S/he interrupts me a lot S/he’s a racist S/he tells a lot of ethnic jokes S/he doesn’t care S/he forgot my birthday ISSUE OPTION 2
NEUTRALIZE YOUR LANGUAGE . Debatable Issue Neutral Issue [noun] . He is too loud The loud volume You communicate poorly The poor communication We always argue These frequent arguments We failed with this project The recent failure I donated to the charity The charity donation She plans to resign The planned resignation I can’t believe she smokes The smoking surprised me I failed in my marriage The failure of my marriage He cheated on me The cheating hurt me She is rude to her staff The rude behavior ISSUE OPTION 3
STEP 3 INVITE THEM TO MEET
INVITE & WAIT 10+ MINUTES “Could you stop in after lunch; I need to talk to you about something.” “Are you available to meet after the 2pm meeting today?”
STEP 4 ISOLATE THE ISSUE
Example State the Issue [neutralized]: “The frequent use of sarcasm doesn’t work for me.” Awareness Statement: “I thought I should bring it up now that we’re working so closely together.” Your Turn State the Issue [neutralized]: Awareness Statement:
Example State the Issue [neutralized]: “Regular tardiness has become a problem for our team.” Intention Statement: “I want us all to be equally accountable and respectful of one another’s time and this is why I wanted to address it at the beginning of the meeting.” Your Turn State the Issue [neutralized]: Intention Statement [reason why you brought it up]:
“You Can’t Heal What You Can’t Feel”
Example State the Issue [neutralized]: “I
dad
conversation.” Statement of Feeling/Need:
Your Turn State the Issue [neutralized]: Statement of Feeling/Need:
have a problem with the way
is belittled and put down every time his name comes up in
“I feel uncomfortable when you speak poorly of dad and I need to know we can have a conversation that doesn’t disrespect him.”
Example State the Issue [neutralized]: “The lack of help on this project has become a problem.” Note Observable Behavior: “We have not been given any new content and there wasn’t a status report given at the group meeting.” Your Turn State the Issue [neutralized]: Note Observable Behavior:
Example State the Issue [neutralized]: “The constant talking during our meetings has become an issue.” Consequence of Behavior Statement: “When there is a lot of extra noise in the room, I have to repeat myself and several people have mentioned they are unable to hear me.” Your Turn State the Issue [neutralized]: Consequence of Behavior Statement:
I felt [feeling] _____ when you said/did [observable behavior] _____ and I [need] _____. I thought it was important for you to know this [awareness].
I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything [intention]. My [need] for _____ makes me [feel] _____ and this is why it is difficult for me to work with you when you [observable behavior] ______. You said/did [observable behavior] and it made me [feel] _____; I had to leave the room [consequence of the behavior] because I am unable to handle it when you do that. When you [observable behavior] _____ I felt [feeling] _____ and I needed [need] to know [awareness]_____
Issue [neutralized] +
STEP 5 INITIATE A SOLUTION
ASK A SOLUTIONS-BASED COLLABORATIVE QUESTION
“Maybe
“Might we be able to…”
“Can you agree to…”
“I’d like it if we could…”
“Would you be willing…”
“Are you able to…
we could…” “Is it possible for us to…” “Suppose we do this…”
“What will it take?”
“What should we do?”
“I see us moving this way…”
“The solution I am hoping for is…” “The outcome I would like is…”
“Can you offer a suggestion?”
“Let’s see if we can…” “Perhaps we could…”
STEP 6
INTRODUCE CONSEQUENCES
Consequence 1
“If the talking continues, I’m going to bring up my dislike for the disruption and ask that the group also discuss their feelings about it.”
Consequence 2
“If the talking continues, then I’ll have to leave the room/ask you to leave the room.”
BALANCE YOUR BOUNDARY
Issue [neutralized]: “The constant swearing has become an issue and I would like everyone to feel comfortable in the group…”
Request to Solve: “… and I would like to request that you stop the incessant swearing in the team meetings; are you willing to comply?” [pause to let them respond and allow any response]
Consequence 1: “If you continue to swear, I’m going to bring up my dislike for the language and ask that the group discuss their feelings about it.”
Consequence 2 : “If your swearing continues, then I’ll have to leave the room or ask you to leave the room [depending on your position].”
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TOUCAN DO IT! THANK YOU