Marriage Reboot

JOHN MARK CATON, PhD

4 Steps to Refresh and Rekindle God’s Design For your Romance

MARRIAGE REBOOT

Copyright © 2024 Cottonwood Creek Church ISBN: 978-1-955362-22-1 All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.

Although both the publisher and author have used reasonable care in preparing this book, the information it contains is distributed “as is” and without warranties of any kind. This book is not intended as legal, financial, or health advice, and not all of the recommendations will be suitable for your situation. Professional legal, financial, and health advisors should be consulted as needed. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any costs, expenses, or damages resulting from the use of or reliance on the information contained in this book.

Author Credits to Dr. John Mark Caton (www.johnmarkcaton.com) Cover design by Pie in the Sky Studios (www.pie-in-the-sky.com) Published by

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TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRODUCTION. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 PART ONE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 Navigating A New Era of Marriage PART TWO.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Learn About Your Spouse PART THREE.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 When Opposites Attack PART FOUR.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Your Marriage Reboot ABOUT THE AUTHOR. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56

INTRODUCTION

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Marriage Reboot | Caton

No marriage is immune to the challenges and struggles that come with saying, “I do.”

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Tom and Sarah’s marriage had hit a rough patch. After ten years and two kids, the first spark had faded. Their conversations mostly centered on planning and small talk. Tom often felt misunderstood, retreating into his work, while Sarah felt neglected, pouring her energy into the kids and her job. Misunderstandings were common, and they rarely found time for each other, let alone for themselves. Date nights were a distant memory, replaced by evenings spent in separate rooms. The joy and connection that had once defined their relationship seemed lost.

Tom and Sarah’s story is common. Marriages hit rough patches like this all the time, especially during the years of raising young kids. And while many marriages pull through, we know that around 48 percent do not.1 I am not a pessimist when it comes to marriage. Marriage, done God’s way, is amazing! There is nothing like it! But I am a realist, and the reality of marriage is that it is tough work. No marriage is immune to the challenges and struggles that come with saying, “I do.” Every marriage deals with the natural tensions and pressures that come from two lives coming together under one roof. Standing at the marriage altar, many brides and grooms may think about the excitement of their honeymoon, the thrills of a life together, and the joys of having kids someday. I would guess that couples rarely stand at the altar and think “this is going to be tough” or “the days ahead are going to be filled with numerous challenges.”

If you have been married for any time at all, I can hear you saying a hearty, “Amen!” Whether you have been married for two days, two years, or two decades, your marriage takes work. You must understand how to design your marriage for success, how to navigate around the landmines, and how to refresh, renew, and revitalize your marriage when necessary. In other words, to run more smoothly, your marriage will require reboots, and that’s okay.

1 “Provisional Number of Marriages and Marriage Rate: United States, 2000-2022,” PDF, CDC/ NCHS National Vital Statistics System.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton Marriages across the nation are in all stages of success or failure; my hope is that this book will help your marriage grow stronger and sweeter with God at the center.

Ben Hogan was one of the greatest golfers of all time. Early in his career, Ben thought that the golf swing was about doing a thousand things perfectly. However, in his book, Five Lessons on Golf, he came to the decision that golf was about doing a couple of things really well. He began to loosen up and play better when he discovered and applied those few concepts. I could go in a thousand different counseling directions through the marital maze, but here is the reality: To have a truly awesome marriage, you need to do four fundamental things well: 1. Make God and biblical principles the center of your marriage.

2. Let the differences between you and your spouse make your relationship stronger.

3. Learn to resolve conflict.

4. Refresh, renew, and revitalize your marriage.

Think of these four things as your “romance reboot.” As you read on, my prayer is that these principles taken from God’s Word will help you build or rebuild the kind of marriage your heart so desperately desires!

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Part One

NAVIGATING A NEW ERA OF MARRIAGE

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Marriage Reboot | Caton Think of your marriage like building your dream home. You wouldn’t show up on the lawn with a hammer and paint and just dive right in without a plan, and yet that’s exactly what a lot of couples do. Instead, just like you need a solid blueprint to create a house that stands strong and reflects your style, so your marriage needs a solid plan, too. It’s about crafting a life together that can weather any storm.

Picture this: every home is different, right? Some are sleek and modern; others might be warm and traditional. You’ve got vibrant, colorful ones and those that stick to classic earth tones. The same goes for marriages.

Some couples juggle a house full of kids; others relish a quiet life for two.

Some are all about schedules and plans, while others take each day as it comes.

Even with all these differences, there is a universal “romance reboot” out there. This reboot mixes the right amounts of love, patience, and understanding to build something truly lasting. Jesus talked about making choices—and this is one of those big ones. Choosing to build your marriage not just for the good days but for all the days ahead is key. In Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus said: “Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

We make the choice! Jesus wants us to understand that it is our choice.

He gives us reboot plans for a marriage that will last. If we build on a solid foundation, our houses will be able to stand against the rains, the floods, and the winds of life. If we don’t put His words into practice, that house

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will not be able to stand against the rains, floods, and winds of life. It is that simple!

In this parable, Jesus gives us insight into what it takes to build a marriage that will last. The first insight is that there are two types of builders: one who is wise and one who is foolish. The one who listened and did according to what was said was wise. The fool ignored what was said and ended up in a disastrous situation.

The second insight Jesus gives us is that there are two foundations on which you can build. One is on the Rock, which is the solid foundation of God’s Word, understanding His design, His purpose, and His plan.

The other foundation is the sand which is not very solid or stable–a disaster waiting to happen.

The third insight Jesus gives us is that there will be problems. Every marriage will face problems. Listen up! It is going to rain, and it is going to rain hard. The streams will rise, sometimes exceedingly high. The wind will blow, sometimes extremely hard. That is why Jesus wants us to build on the Rock. He wants our homes to stand against the elements. He wants our marriages to last! He wants our households blessed!

Jeana and I have now been married for over thirty years; we have four children who are now adults. Our marriage, like all marriages, has gone through tough times. My wife and I have had moments when our love has been tested, and we have had to navigate difficult waters. However, today I must tell you, our marriage has never been stronger, nor has it been sweeter. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and my heart breaks when I hear of so many marriages ending up in the divorce attorney’s office. The breakdown of marriage has never been God’s design or desire, and the marriage bond has not always been so weak.

Marriages are under constant attack from all sides. You are not going to get encouragement to fight for your marriage and find excitement in your marriage from Hollywood or Washington, D.C.! When I think about the image of marriage on television or in the media, I can’t help but smirk a bit.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton Everything looks so great! The husband and the wife are both perfect: no bad breath, bad hair, bad bodies, or bad attitudes. But as we know, that is not the way it happens in real life.

Years ago, therapist Carl Rogers had our current marriage culture pegged.

In his book, Becoming Partners, he wrote: “To me, it seems we are living in an important and uncertain age.

If 50 percent of Ford or General Motors cars fell apart within the early part of their lifetime as automobiles, drastic steps would be taken to change them. We have no such organized way of dealing with our social institution, so people are groping, more or less, blindly to find alternatives to marriage. Living together without marriage, living in communes, serial monogamy, the women’s liberation movement, new divorce laws which do away with the concept of anyone’s guilt, these are all groping toward some new form of man/woman or man/other relationship.”

Rodger’s statement seemed odd over thirty years ago, but it is spot-on today.

Marriage is under attack. All marriages are under attack! So, what can we do?

Building on a Solid Foundation Psalm 127:1 says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, its Unless the LORD builders labor in vain.” That is the underlying truth of the first builds the house, principle of a marriage reboot. its builders labor in Unless God builds your house, vain. you labor in vain. If we want to guarantee success, we need — Psalm 127:1 to go to the One who designed marriage. Just because we get married in a church does not mean we are guaranteed a Christian marriage. Just because we attend church does not mean we have a Christian marriage.

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The divorce rate for churchgoers is almost as high as it is in secular culture!

If husbands and wives will live as God desires, fewer marriages will end in divorce. Both husbands and wives must be willing to walk that line.

The above passage says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” Notice the word builders is plural, not singular! It takes both husbands and wives to build strong marriages! Before we start talking about building a strong marriage, it might help us to look back to the beginning of marriage.

God’s Design for Marriage Marriage began in the book of Genesis. This is all the way back in the Garden of Eden, before sin, when God, as the architect of marriage, put the design for marriage in place. The first statement is, “The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone.’” You might want to underline that statement in your Bible. In the first chapter of Genesis, we read how God created the world and all that was in the world, and He said it was good. But this is the first time in all of God’s Word that something is not good. It was not good for man to be alone. So, what was God’s response?

“I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18b NLT). And verses 19–23 paint this picture wonderfully: So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper exactly right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’”

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Marriage Reboot | Caton Unfortunately, I do not believe our English translation does the original Hebrew justice.

Picture this: You have Adam, who has just had all the cows, pigs, birds, and other animals parading in front of him, giving them name after name.

All of a sudden, God puts him into a deep sleep, and when Adam wakes up, Eve is standing there in front of him. A better picture in your mind might be Adam waking up and saying, “wow! God, you’ve done great!”

Just after the verses above, these words are found: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked and felt no shame” (Genesis 2:24-25). In these verses, we are given two more essentials for spouses building a solid and lasting relationship. The essentials of leaving and “cleaving” are where a great marriage starts.

Departure One: Leave the Protective Umbrella Notice the first word for building a great marriage is leaving. God says, “For this reason a man will leave….” Leaving has several meanings.

To build a marriage according to God’s perfect design means making four key departures.

You are designed to leave the protective umbrella of your parents. When you get married, you should learn to make it on your own without being too dependent on your parents, financially, emotionally, or relationally.

I realize that this isn’t always as easy as it sounds. For instance, today’s couples start their marriage with $58,957 in student loan debt!2 An average monthly debt payment on a balance like this is $616. So, in our choppy economic times, this creates immediate financial instability.

2 “Student Loans: Who Is Responsible for All That Debt in a Divorce?” Yahoo Finance, accessed December 7, 2023, https://finance.yahoo.com/news/student-loans-who-is-responsible-for-allthat-debt-in-a-divorce-133049677.html.

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Becoming financially independent may not happen overnight, but building a plan with real dates and real budgets that will get you there is important.

As a parent of a newlywed, consider offering financial support only when the couple has a clear, documented plan for independence. This plan should quickly phase out your support. Otherwise, it hinders the couple’s learning responsibility and life management skills.

I am not saying that you should not step in and help them out if they are in a crisis. However, if you choose to constantly and consistently bail them out, the new couple will never learn responsibility, and fifteen, twenty, thirty years down the road, they will still look to you for your help.

Departure Two: Leave Your Premarital Baggage Second, you are to leave your premarital baggage. When you get married, it is easy to drag your problems into your marriage. But if your marriage is going to thrive, you need to leave those problems behind. If you have had a problem that began in your past, seek help to solve it.

These problems can include things that are uncomfortable to deal with and therefore easier to keep secret, like past trauma, financial bankruptcies, unhealthy past relationships, mental health issues, and the like. Though it’s hard, communicate with your spouse honestly. If you have some issues that need to be dealt with, then do so right away. Your marriage does not need that extra baggage if it is going to succeed.

Departure Three: Leave Your Relational Past You are to leave your relational past. When you get married, it is easy to start comparing your spouse to a previous boyfriend or girlfriend. If this is not your first marriage, you should never, ever compare your current husband or wife to a previous husband or previous wife. Just don’t do it!

Your marriage will never be as terrific as it could be if you are constantly glancing in the rearview mirror of life. It is time to leave your past in the past and move on!

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Marriage Reboot | Caton You may also need to end some past relationships. In the past, this was often as simple as removing a contact in your phone. However, today this is more complex. Our digital connections linger long after relationships end.

It’s crucial for couples to discuss and navigate their online relationships.

Whether it’s deactivating old profiles or setting boundaries about online interactions with ex-partners, these actions are as significant as leaving a physical past behind.

It’s likely that you might have relationships from your pre-married life that are not beneficial to building a strong and happy marriage. If you are newlyweds, these may be your single friends you spent a great deal of time with before your marriage. You may also meet others along life’s journey that make your marriage more trying. In the end, the leaving process also includes relationships that are not beneficial to your marriage.

Departure Four: Cleaving “Cleaving” is a word that we don’t often use anymore. It might sound old-fashioned and stuffy, but don’t let that distract you. “Cleaving” is a command for us to be united together. The natural question we all have is, “what in the world does it mean to cleave together?” At its core, cleaving carries the idea of a covenant, not just a contract. “Covenant” is another word we don’t use often, so let me explain the difference.

A contract, in its essence, is an agreement between two people who cannot be trusted. It says, “If you fail to fulfill your obligations, here is how I am getting out of this obligation.” Marriage is not a contract between two individuals. It is a covenant, which, according to Webster’s Dictionary, is a solemn and binding agreement! Your marriage is a covenant between you and your spouse where you have folded your identities into this one new union, “for better or worse.” You are to cleave (a.k.a join) in unity.

In Matthew 19:4-5, Jesus said, “‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?’’”

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Admittedly, “cleaving” into “one flesh” sounds mystically romantic at best…but maybe codependently creepy at worst. Old-timey descriptive words aside, here’s what this might include practically: •

Establishing a strong emotional bond

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Creating a united front against life’s inevitable challenges

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Prioritizing your marriage relationship by investing time in it to keep it ahead of every other relationship

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Deepening intimacy and trust (including sexual intimacy)

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Building a legacy together

These are the natural fruits of unity in marriage.

A common misconception that many couples have about marriage is that sexual attraction, romance, and intimacy are what make marriages distinct from other relationships and that these are the qualities we need to hang onto most. But good, old-fashioned friendship is actually one of the major keys to a quality marriage.

Research shows that friendship in marriage significantly contributes to staying married. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher and psychologist, emphasizes that happy marriages are often based on a deep friendship between partners. Additionally, the benefits of marriage (and there are lots of them backed by research) are significantly greater for those who also regard their spouse as their best friend.

You may already be divorced and remarried and wonder what to do.

Let me be clear: Do everything you can to make the relationship you are in right, and do not go down the path of a broken marriage again. A 2015 study from Harvard University found warm, healthy, and happy lifelong relationships can even protect us from the negative side effects of aging.

I always say, your best chance for happiness is in the relationship you are in right now. It is not with your next wife or your next husband. It is in the relationship you are in today. Even if you feel like your marriage is in

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Marriage Reboot | Caton trouble, ask God to put it back together. In the very next verse from earlier, Jesus says in Matthew 19:6, “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Jesus is saying you will always be joined together in some way, and since God put you together, do everything within your power to stay together.

Cleaving also includes holding onto privacy within your marriage. There are sacred things in marriage that are no one’s business but yours. Let me encourage you with all my heart to be extremely cautious in sharing marital secrets with your friends. They will struggle mightily to keep your secrets and find it even harder to keep from choosing sides, which will ultimately not benefit your marriage.

Clinging to privacy also applies to parental communication. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat with couples where one of the mates has been a little too open with their mom. The problem is that the mom went back home, and she laid her head on the pillow next to her husband and shared the conversation with him. The bigger problem is that parents often have a tough time forgiving and forgetting in this circumstance, which then drives a wedge between them and the other mate.

Today, privacy also applies to what we share about our private lives online.

It’s your responsibility as a couple to discuss and decide what’s appropriate to share on the Internet about your private family life. This includes deciding what kinds of photos you’ll share of each other and your kids, what you comment about each other, and what videos you post. Sharing the same privacy parameters for social media is hugely important–don’t miss this key area to create a unified front.

A healthy marriage is a place that is filled with open, honest, and private communication between the husband and wife. Marriage ought to be a place where you can bear your soul and feel safe. Marriage ought to be a place where you can share your deepest, darkest fears, and sometimes secrets, and get the encouragement you need without having others hear second-hand. So, make a mutual commitment to honor the privacy of marriage.

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Refresh and Reboot Finally, the last piece of creating unity in marriage is learning to refresh and reboot each other. Think of it like this: Let’s say you’re scrolling through social media and want to refresh your feed. When you pull down to refresh, it replaces old news with new news. The refresh button moves your feed beyond old or outdated information into what’s happening right now. A feed that is stuck in the past is of no use in the present.

Likewise, our marriage should be our relational reboot. As we go through the day, we are bombarded with difficulties, struggles, and junk that can weigh us down; and we need to be refreshed. We all need to be refreshed… every one of us!

This can look like rebuilding each other through emotional support at the end of an exhausting day, cheering each other on toward goals, being a safe place to vent for each other, encouraging each other spiritually, and having fun together! These are all small things, but they are “reboot practices” that can turn a stagnant marriage around. Don’t overlook them.

When God spoke to the children of Israel during a very difficult time, He said, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Those were clearly refreshing words from the Heavenly Father to His children.

With the same mind, husbands should refresh their wives and wives should refresh their husbands for the days ahead.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton

A healthy marriage is a place that is filled with open, honest, and private communication between the husband and wife.

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Part Two

LEARN ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE

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Marriage Reboot | Caton “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

(EPHESIANS 5:31-33)

After being married for a while, it probably does not surprise you that men and women are different. You may think that is an obvious statement, and although we clearly notice it, too many husbands and wives do not live like they understand this truth!

God created us as different as night and day. When we start dating, those differences attract us to each other. However, if we are not careful, those differences can cause us to attack each other. I want to take some time to focus on the differences that bring us together, unite us, encourage us, and cause us to enjoy each other.

Look back up at Ephesians 5:31-33 with me. In this passage, Paul wants us to understand that marriage is a mystery. A mystery is a profound truth that can be hidden. If we are not careful, we can miss the hidden message of marriage: God created us as different from each other, and God calls us to minister to each other and to encourage each other in unique ways.

We do not want to marry someone who is exactly like we are; but if we are not careful, we can miss the excitement, the joy, and the mystery of embracing those differences.

For instance, notice in the passage at the beginning of this chapter how Paul makes certain we understand that men and women are different. We have diverse needs. Women, you have different needs than your husbands. Men, you have different needs than your wives.

We need to understand those variances. Paul tells us that the wife needs her husband’s love, and the husband needs the admiration and respect of his wife.

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Years ago, Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. authored a book called His Needs, Her Needs. This book defines for us five needs of a man and five needs of a woman. It is an excellent book that explains just how different men and women really are. Dr. Harley, a psychologist/psychiatrist, spent most of his career as a marriage counselor in Minnesota. After counseling many couples, he realized that traditional marriage counseling at that time was not working. He found that marriage counseling as it stood was only considered helpful or effective in 15-20 percent of cases, and it was considered harmful in over 50 percent of cases.

Dr. Harley spent time studying both men and women and realized that every man has five basic needs, and every woman also has five basic needs.

The result of his study was to write a book and apply the principles to his counseling practice. Amazingly, his success ratio as a counselor went from about 15 percent to 90 percent.

At the core of his counseling was to challenge husbands to stop looking at themselves and start focusing on ministering to their wives. He challenged wives to stop focusing on their needs and start meeting the needs of their husbands. Let’s look at these nine needs. They are general needs, so as you look at them you will probably see the application to your spouse and to your marriage; this might be different than how they apply to someone else’s marriage.3

The Needs of Husbands Personal Admiration Every husband needs to know that his wife admires him. He needs his wife to be his cheerleader. What do cheerleaders do? They stand on the sidelines and cheer the team on no matter what the outcome of the game.

3 Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2011).

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Marriage Reboot | Caton

God created us as different from each other, and God calls us to minister to each other and to encourage each other in unique ways.

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Women, you need to encourage your husbands, regardless of the situation.

When life is going great, you need to acknowledge their success. When circumstances are not going well, and he is down, you need to cheer and encourage. That is why Paul says in the latter part of Women, you need Ephesians 5:33, “the wife must to encourage respect.” The essence of the word your husbands, respect is to admire. You must regardless of the admire, respect, and honor your husband–he needs it! situation.

One of my daughters was a cheerleader. Rain or shine, victory or defeat, she was on the sidelines cheering until the final seconds of the game ticked off the clock. She got no glory for a win but felt the pain of a loss. So it should be in our marriages.

My wife, Jeana, has always been my cheerleader, through seminary studies, seven years of PhD. work, good sermons and bad, and the highs and lows of life and work. She has picked me up when I’ve been down, carried me through hard seasons, prayed for me, and encouraged me unconditionally.

Domestic Support Proverbs 21:9 says, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” This can be defined as his need for tranquility and serenity in the home. A home that is tranquil and serene does not mean always perfectly clean, dinner in the oven, and kids playing happily when your husband walks in the door. With 61 percent of households in the U.S being dual income, it can be challenging to navigate this biblical principle. When the day is over, creating a serene household can look like communicating where each person’s capacity lies once everyone is home. If one of you is feeling 20 percent while the other is at 80 percent, create a game plan on how you and your husband can tackle the rest of the evening in unity. Because the

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Marriage Reboot | Caton truth is, an exaustion-fueled blow-up the second he walks in the door will never solve the root issue you are struggling with. Your husband needs peace and support within your relationship so he can tackle the next day.

Attractiveness Ladies, understand that your husband needs you to care about your outer and inner appearances. That is the way God created him. That is the way God put him together. In 1 Peter 3:3-5, Peter says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands.”

In the original language, Peter is not creating a contrast between inner and outer beauty. Rather, he is saying that beauty is outside, and it should be matched by the beauty that is inside. It is both/and. It is not either/or. Peter is not suggesting that women reject external beauty for internal beauty.

It is both.

Now, I have heard some preachers use this passage to say that women should not wear jewelry or makeup or wear fine clothes. That is not what this passage teaches. Peter is saying that your internal beauty should complement your external beauty. Why? Because regardless of how well you take care of yourself, your physical beauty will wane. It will go away, but the internal beauty can remain as vibrant as always. Your focus should be on both–keeping yourself internally and externally attractive.

Keeping your physical attractiveness through eating right and exercise are obvious today; however, the “how to” instruction book on gaining internal beauty is not so popular. Challenge yourself to gain knowledge and grow in the areas that are important and relevant in your life: your prayer time, distinct phases of parenting, or other personal interests. Internal beauty must be exercised just like external beauty.

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Physical Intimacy The final need of a husband is for physical intimacy. In Genesis 2:24, it says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Physical intimacy is a great need for every husband. It is so important that the apostle Paul addresses it in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 saying this: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Intimacy is a gift from God. Scripture is clear that God designed sex to be freely enjoyed in the confines of a marriage relationship.

God designed our bodies in an original and perfect way to bring the husband and wife into physical harmony through sexual intimacy.

However, even the greatest gifts can be spoiled or misused. If we are not careful, this wonderful act of intimacy, which was given for our benefit, can become a shackle that hinders us from enjoying marriage fully.

Paul offers two clear points of wisdom that relate to physical intimacy in marriage. First, Paul explains the idea that our bodies are not our own but are jointly owned by our spouse, which naturally conveys the ideas of rights and privileges. Second, Paul asserts that if a couple chooses not to come together in intimacy, it should only be upon mutual consent. Then after that time of mutual consent is over, they should come back together so that Satan will not be able to gain a foothold through sexual temptation.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton Withholding sex from your spouse should never be used as a tool to teach the other person a lesson or vent your anger. This can lead both of you into a cycle of feeling confused, rejected, and resentful. If you are struggling with sex, take time to have a conversation with your husband about it. This can be a difficult subject for many couples, but avoiding the conversation is never worth letting the gift of sexual intimacy fall to the wayside for Satan to come in and snatch it up.

The Needs of Wives Family Commitment Men, you need to know that your wife needs to be assured of your commitment to your family; that your family, her family, is a priority for you. You cannot work 60 hours a week, leaving the house at 6:00 in the morning and getting home at 7:00 or 8:00 at night, schedule a tee time for 8:00 a.m. on Saturday and a ballgame that night, then let her take the kids to church because you are too tired. Behavior like this does not show her that the family is a priority to you. In fact, it shows the opposite. She wants to know that you make the family a top priority. One of the ways you love your wife is to love your family! She needs to know that. She needs to understand that you have made your family a priority.

Real Conversation Your wife needs open and honest communication. This requires time.

This means that you must sit down and talk with your wife in complete sentences. Difficult, I know, but this is something she needs. My wife does not understand that I can watch the TV, text, and listen to her when she talks to me. What I have come to learn is that she needs time to talk.

She wants real conversation. She wants to know what is going on in my life. She wants me to know what is going on in her life. Now, what do we normally do? When our wives begin to talk, we open the toolbox to try to fix things.

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On several occasions, I have made this mistake—I am not a quick learner!

We want to get to the point and have our wives fill in the details later.

That is when they normally say, “Never mind.” I am not the most intuitive guy in the world, but when my wife says, “Never mind,” I know that I had better mind! You should too, and that requires real conversation. Romans 12:15 provides a great pattern for our conversation with our wives. It says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Do not fix it. If she is sharing her day, share in her day. If she is rejoicing, rejoice.

If she is crying, hug her while she cries. That is what you need to do.

Domestic Security While men need support and peace, our wives need security. One area of security is financial security.

In Colossians 3:23, we are told, “Whatever you do, work at it Your wife needs to with all your heart….” Guys, that know what is going is it! Our wives need to know that we are working as hard as on in your life. You we can to provide for the family. need to be open The last thing your wife needs is and honest about for you to come home and say, “Hey, honey, I got mad at the the struggles you boss today and quit my job.” Your meet. wife will see her world caving in. She needs domestic security.

You don’t have to score a job in the highest-paying industry. As inflation is on the rise, solely providing for the family can seem like a distant memory. The point here is you should be fully committed to your work and providing for your family. She needs to know that when you leave for work every day, it is to support the family.

Honesty and Openness Your wife needs to know what is going on in your life. You need to be open and honest about the struggles you meet. Ladies, please understand

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Marriage Reboot | Caton that there are plenty of times when we, as husbands, get quiet because of some of the problems going on in our lives. We will often do this for your benefit…or so we think. Why? Because we do not want you to worry or be concerned about problems.

When we have a problem, we will go into a cave until we have it figured out. Husbands, the problem is that your wife sees you going into that cave.

She sees you withdraw, and a distance starts to develop. So, she begins to wonder and worry about what is truly going on in your life. When she tries to come into the cave, you usually push her out; and so, the cycle of rejection and distance starts. Men, your wife needs you to be open and honest. You need to tell her what is going on in your life.

In 1 Peter 3:7, we are told, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word understanding as “the power of comprehending.”4 This implies that your wife needs to understand the reasoning behind your retreat, which is why you need to be open and honest.

Peter also says to treat her with respect “as the weaker partner.”

Weaker does not mean intellectually or emotionally weaker. It is like she is the fine china, and men, we are the everyday dishes. So, being honest and open means that as you share, you are at the same time cleaning, polishing, and cherishing her as the weaker vessel. Finally, Peter says that your wife is an heir with you “of the gracious gift of life.” She is a joint heir. As a joint heir, she has a need and a right for you to share openly and honestly.

Relational Affection Relational affection means holding hands, hugging, and kissing. That is it.

That is what your wife needs from you. She needs a kiss. She needs a hug.

She wants you to hold hands at the ball game. She needs those things.

4 Merriam-Webster, s.v. “Understanding,” accessed December 7, 2023, https://www.merriamwebster.com/dictionary/understanding.

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The apostle Paul alludes to this in Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Again, your wife is like fine china.

She is soft, precious, and sweet. She needs the soft touch of hugging, kissing, and just holding hands!

As you can see, men and women are different by design. When wives understand the needs of their husbands, and husbands understand the needs of their wives, marriages will be on the right road to preventing a marital meltdown. Men, when you come to marriage, it is no longer about you. It is about her.

When our daughters were younger, Jeana and I made the decision to move them into a room together. We went through a period where every night turned into a huge battle over small issues: she left her “stuff” on the floor, she turned on the lights and woke me up…Each wanted her own way or else the battles erupted. There was no compromise, no selflessness, and no peace in that bedroom for weeks. Slowly, a change began to happen. One would think of the other’s need before her own desire, and in return the other would recognize the selflessness of the first and that positive attitude would be recycled. This same cycle is also clear in marriage, both in a good way and in a bad way. When you commit to marriage, it is no longer about you; it is about your spouse.

Now, you might think, “You do not know my spouse.” That is right; I don’t. But I know God’s design for marriage. If you will live according to God’s design, you should not expect your spouse to meet your needs.

Intentionally putting their needs before yours is sacrificial love. It is the same kind of love Jesus displayed for us by going to the cross. Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love their wife as Christ loved the church. Asking God for the ability to help you do this will bring peace into your marriage, sparking an intimacy reboot like you’ve never experienced before!

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Part Three

WHEN OPPOSITES ATTACK

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Marriage Reboot | Caton

If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.

— MARK 3:25

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Talk to any builder and he will tell you, the most important part of a building is the foundation. If we are not careful in our marriages, we can create an unstable foundation. Conflict is one of the leading factors in creating a shaky marital foundation. Every marriage has its share of conflict, but how we manage it makes all the difference. If we take verbal jabs at each other and lace our conversation with hurtful sarcasm, the foundation of our marriage becomes shaky. All marriages experience conflict at some level because you and your spouse are different people.

It is how you manage and deal with the conflict that is of utmost importance. Jesus makes it clear in Mark 3:25, “If the house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” So, I want to deal directly with the topic of conflict… when opposites attack.

Every marriage union endures conflict at some point. It’s unavoidable.

The biggest question becomes: how far do you let conflict rise before it begins to seep in like a virus on a computer and crash your marriage?

Do you and your spouse try to avoid conflict to minimize hard conversations? Or do you use it to update and improve your relationship as husband and wife? If properly understood—and managed—conflict can make you and your marriage better instead of worse. But if managed incorrectly, your marriage will shut down.

The Source of Conflict We often feel the most comfortable with our spouse; and while this comfort is necessary, it also comes with them seeing the best and worst parts of our personalities. When the worst parts show themselves, the root cause is often our selfish desires.

In James 4:1, James talks about the source of conflict being selfish desires.

He says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” Each of us has selfish desires that exist within us. Conflict comes to life in marriage when we get a little

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Marriage Reboot | Caton too comfortable and let our selfish desires and different personalities wage war against each other.

Earlier we looked at Genesis 1:27, which says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” God tells us right there… all the way back in the Garden of Eden… that He created men and women differently. So, one way to look at marriage is that it is a lifelong process of overcoming differences!

Literally and technically, great differences are wrapped up in your very DNA. In addition, you come from different families and different backgrounds. My wife comes from a sweet, loving, caring family with a father who was the kindest man I have ever met. My dad was a great dad, but he was the son of an alcoholic, abusive man. You did not hug a lot in my family, but with Jeana’s family, you did not get together without hugging!

Our dating backgrounds also create differences in our marriages. Perhaps you came into marriage having had just one boyfriend or one girlfriend… or maybe none at all, but your spouse had a background of difficulty, hardship, and hurt in relationships. You must merge those histories together.

Marriage is a lifelong process of overcoming those experiential, emotional, and personality differences. We also come into marriage with different communication styles… different likes and dislikes… different wants and needs. Marriage is indeed a lifelong process of overcoming differences.

My wife, Jeana, and I sat down and listed out all our differences. Let me give you a taste of how two people can be so different. (And, yes, I have her permission to share these with you!): 1.

One of our biggest differences is that I am a night owl, and she is a morning person. If I see the sunrise, I want to be hunting something. Other than that, I do not care about it that much.

However, when the sun goes down, I am ready to go. When we first got married, she was teaching, and I was going to seminary

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and working. Every evening at about 8:30, I would look at her and she would be asleep, but I would just be getting started for the night!

2. The alarm clock is another way we are different. I was under the impression when I married Jeana that the purpose of the alarm clock was to set it for when you wanted to get up. If she wants to get up at 6:00, she sets it for 5:15. That way, she can go through six snoozes to get there. I set it for 6:00.

3.

I like it cold, and she likes it warm. If it gets below 90 degrees, Jeana grabs a jacket. This makes for some difficult rides in the car. One night we were coming home from one of our daughter’s basketball games. It was 80 degrees, but Jeana had turned on the heat. I turned it off, looked away to talk to the kids, and in a millisecond, it was turned back up to 90. I turn it down; she turns it up. I like it cold. She likes it hot.

4. Then there is food. I like my food spicy; she likes hers bland.

If I cook chili, I am the only one in the family who can eat it.

If she cooks it, everybody eats it.

5.

I am loud, and she is quiet.

6. I like contemporary music. She likes the traditional hymns.

7.

I walk fast, and she walks slowly. If we go to the mall, my purpose is to get from one end to the other and back again as quickly as we can. She wants to just stroll.

8. I do not have mercy, but my wife is a mercy shower. When I take spiritual gifts tests, mercy does not even rate. I am an encourager, but she is a mercy shower…a significant difference.

9.

I am direct. Jeana sweetly sugarcoats almost everything.

10. I will not read fiction, but Jeana loves a good novel that usually ends in tears.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton After working through this list, we concluded: we are incompatible. If our marriage was based on similarities, we’d have no reason to be married!

But those differences keep our marriage exciting while at the same time creating little opportunities for conflict.

What you need to understand is that the real key is what I call, “the state of mind in marriage.” Here’s what I mean by that: there are three states of mind that control every marriage. Depending on the state of mind, your marriage will either be great or a disaster!

1. Togetherness: When you started dating, you and your spouse were together. You were unified in purpose, heartbeat, and conversation… you shared everything as a couple. Words like we, our and us were predominant in your conversation together. The words my and I rarely found their way into your conversation. It was we. It was you and us. However, after you get married, the we language slowly wears off. Over time, you start to see yourselves as individuals and not as a unit.

2. Conflict: This is the phase where those differences begin to annoy you, and you begin to verbalize issues and differences you overlooked or ignored in the earlier we phase. The result is conflict. You just begin to fight… you begin to nip at each other. The nipping turns to snipping; the snipping turns into an argument; the argument turns into the cold shoulder; the cold shoulder becomes a cold week; and a cold week becomes a cold front that seems like it will never let up. You both retreat into your own spaces to stay out of the cold when the solution is working together to warm up.

3. Withdrawal: This is when you begin to back out of your marriage. You put your relationship in reverse, and you begin to look at the door. This stage is when you move into the ice age of your marriage. Just like it takes time and energy for something to become frozen, it takes time and cold energy for you to freeze your marriage. If you are in a frozen marriage, it didn’t

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happen by accident. You made choices. You made a choice to go to bed mad. You made a choice to fight about things that are not important. You made a choice not to apologize. You made a choice to make your spouse pay for something that made you angry. These choices will leave your marriage cold and lifeless.

And just as it takes time to freeze a marriage, it also takes time to thaw it out. It takes warm energy and time.

In Philippians 4:8, Paul gives us advice on what it takes to rekindle the fire and keep your marriage warm. He tells us, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things.”

This is one of the best marriage counseling verses. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat across from a couple that, for all intents and purposes, should have a great marriage; but their marriage is a wreck because they focused on the wrong things, the worst things. They followed the progression of these three mindsets—togetherness, conflict, and withdrawal—to the point they had given up on their marriage.

In the first stages of marriage, every couple practices Philippians 4:8.

I know this, because if a couple did not practice Philippians 4:8 while they were dating, the relationship would have ended well before the marriage ceremony. You focused on that which was praiseworthy… on that which was right. That is why you said, “I love you.” That is why you said we.

The longer you were married, the more you started changing your focus.

You started focusing on the bad, instead of the good, and the negative, instead of the positive. What was wrong, instead of what was right.

You moved from togetherness to bickering to conflict…it was a choice you made. Just like you chose to focus on the positive things before you were married, you began to focus on the negative. Once your marriage is frozen, it can be tough to thaw and to remember the choices you made to get to this point.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton If your marriage is frozen and filled with conflict, here are a few simple choices that will create some ‘warm’ energy in your marriage.

Practice Kindness and Forgiveness Paul, in Ephesians 4:32, says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

The first ingredients involved in making a great marriage are kindness and compassion. Sure, you felt that kindness and compassion when you first got married, but over time those feelings can fade away. Paul also tells us to forgive. The word forgiving is a participle, and it means continuing to forgive each other just as in Christ, God continues to forgive you because you continue to fail. You might wonder, “How long do I have to forgive my spouse for his or her shortcomings?” About as long as God forgives you for your shortcomings…that’s a good starting place.

You and I are always going to need to forgive. Too often, however, when we say we forgive, it is as if we have removed the offense from our inbox to our trash file. So many times, just like with our computers, we go into our trash and pull out the file during an argument. True forgiveness empties the trash file and permanently removes past mistakes so that they are irretrievable during the next argument. If we are to forgive as God forgave us in Christ, then we need to forgive completely!

Watch Your Mouth Avoid phrases like, “When we get a divorce...” This language can be toxic to your marriage. With that phrase, you have opened the door to the destruction of your marriage. Avoid phrases that you know are hurtful and harmful—that are not constructive. Notice what Paul says in Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” The

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word unwholesome is a term in the original Greek that means “rotten.”

It is a grocery term used to describe something in the Greek market that was no longer fit for consumption. It was unwholesome or rotten.

Grocers would feed it to the animals...but it was not suitable for human consumption.

Paul is using Ephesians 4:29 to communicate to fellow believers that there are some words or phrases that are not fit for human consumption… and we should not let any of those words or phrases come out of our mouths. Instead, our words should build others up and be beneficial for them. I encourage you to do some work here and commit yourself to choosing your words wisely. If you feel like you are about to lose an argument with your spouse and you pull up words that will cut deep into your spouse, you risk creating a wound that will infect your marriage.

Instead of using sharp words that cut deep, pray the prayer the psalmist recorded in Psalm 141:3: “Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

Choose words that will speak healing and life into your marital conflict. Waging a verbal war on your spouse only widens the great divide between you, making it harder to see the person you originally fell in love with.

Turn Down the Noise If you are not careful… if you are not cautious… It is easy to let the volume rise. A small argument can escalate into a bigger argument, and before you know it the volume begins to go up… and then we say some hurtful words and the volume goes up a little more. Pretty soon you do not know what you are fighting about, you are just yelling at each other! In Proverbs 15:1 we are told, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” In a fight, the first one that says a gentle word wins; but more importantly, their marriage wins.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton Do you remember Newton’s three laws of motion? His third law states, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”5 This means if object A exerts force on object B, object B will exert equal and opposite force back. In marriage, this can look like one of two things: you either have a spouse who is willing to step up and fight when you get into an argument or you have a spouse whose reaction is to retreat when the smallest hint of an argument comes to the surface.

If you are the spouse who isn’t intimidated by conflict, you may think, “I am winning all these battles. We are fine.” But remember Newton’s third law—the more energy you give, the more momentum you build in the argument will drive your spouse farther away. When this happens repeatedly, your spouse will grow weary of engaging or communicating with you because they know the outcome will be an argument. Then, one day you will be surprised when, all a sudden, the “non-fighter” turns and continues to go in the direction you have been pushing them for a long, long time.

Remember, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly” (Proverbs 15:1-2). So, turn down the volume… do not let your conflicts get out of control. Learn to say, “I am sorry.” If you do, you will, in fact, take the volume down!

The big question then becomes, “How do you repair a rift?” You and your spouse have experienced a conflict, and now you want to repair the rift in your relationship. How do you begin to warm up again? How do you begin to move from withdrawal back towards togetherness? Let me give you a couple of thoughts from Scripture.

“Newton’s Third Law: Action-Reaction,” NASA Glenn Research Center, accessed [November 5. 2023], https://www1.grc.nasa.gov/beginners-guide-to-aeronautics/ newtons-laws-of-motion/#newtons-third-law-action-reaction 5

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Acknowledge Your Faults In Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

I want to direct this toward husbands because it is so easy for us to come home and pick things apart. I am sure we do this in part because of our jobs where we may spend the day finding problems and working to solve them. Then we come home, and we begin to pick apart our wives. We might point out that our favorite t-shirt isn’t clean or how they left makeup on the bathroom counter. Pointing out these things might seem small to us, but it can leave our wives feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Take care to acknowledge the “planks” in your own eyes and lives before taking the time to point out the faults of your spouse.

Change your focus Paul gives us a rather good recipe for this in Philippians 2:2-4: “Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

You can make your marriage’s joy complete by being like-minded.

A like-minded marriage has a shared love and purpose where you and your spouse view your marriage through the lens of us, not me. It is also expressed by doing “nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.”

Having a selfless and sacrificial mindset will make your marriage more enjoyable, and it just might help you live a little longer. In fact, do you know that study after study shows that happily married people live longer

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Marriage Reboot | Caton than people not happily married? A study conducted by the Health Psychology journal found that people in happy marriages were twenty percent less likely to die earlier compared to those who were unhappy in their marriages. 6 Yet another good incentive for developing a happy and healthy marriage.

Make Peace Quickly In Matthew 5:23-25, Jesus says: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.”

Notice that you are to take the initiative to repair any rift in your relationship. If you know your spouse is offended, go deal with it. In fact, verse 25 says, “Settle matters quickly with your adversary….” Whatever is ailing you in your marriage, fix it, and fix it quickly. Do not let it fester.

Do not let it grow. Do not let it worsen. Because if you let it grow, it will only get worse. The bitterness will grow. The anger

Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

— Proverbs 13:10

6 Michael A. Whisman, Amanda L. Gilmour, and Jason M. Salinger, “Marital Satisfaction and Mortality in the United States Adult Population,” Health Psychology 37, no. 11 (2018): 1041–1044, https://doi.org/10.1037/hea0000677.

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will hang around. Instead, settle things quickly. And let me give you a final verse that applies to dealing with conflict. It is Proverbs 13:10: “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

I hope you will heed the advice today from God’s Word if indeed you find yourself in conflict with your spouse. If you do not listen to biblical advice and make changes, you will continue to get the same results, if not worse.

I’ve heard it said that a pretty good definition of insanity is to keep doing what you have been doing and expect different results. If you have a great marriage, keep doing what you are doing. If your marriage is struggling, please be willing to settle things right now by taking God’s advice.

Remember, God designed marriage, He organized it, He created it, and He can help you fix it.

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Part Four

YOUR MARRIAGE REBOOT

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Marriage Reboot | Caton

Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

— ECCLESIASTES 9:9

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In this closing chapter, I want to share a game plan with you to refresh, renew, and revitalize your marriage. In Ecclesiastes 9:9, Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, gives us some particularly important advice.

He tells us to enjoy life in every season. Now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year and next decade. A major key to real enjoyment in life is your marriage! Marriage is meant to be enjoyed!

When God created Adam and Eve and placed them in the garden, He did not say, “Now, go be bored” or “Go have a fight.” No, He told them to be fruitful, multiply, enjoy life, enjoy all of creation, and enjoy each other.

But if today your marriage is not something you enjoy, if it is something that you long to make stronger, let me point you to a powerful passage of Scripture which will help you remake and reshape your marriage.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13: “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

A number of years ago, Sir Isaac Newton realized that if he took sunlight and ran it through a triangular prism, he could see all the colors in the spectrum of life. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul does something similar. He takes God’s love and runs it through a prism; and when he does that, he unfolds for us different shades and colors of God’s love. Those shades and colors of love are exactly what our love ought to be as we focus on our relationship with our husband or wife.

As background to this passage, you need to understand that in the New Testament there are four separate Greek words for love. The first is eros (air-hos), that is, our emotive love or passion we feel for another person. It’s the butterflies you feel and rose-colored glasses you wear at the beginning of a new relationship. You may have felt this when you first started dating your spouse. Eros is powerful but often short-lived in comparison to the next words we’re going to cover.

The second Greek word for love is phileo (fill-EH-oh) from which we derive our word Philadelphia. It means brotherly love, the kind of love we would experience in a close friendship.

The third kind of love mentioned in the New Testament is called storge (stor-JAY) love. This is familial love, the love that a parent has for their child or the love that a child has for his or her parents.

The love that Paul is referring to in 1 Corinthians 13 to is agape love—a sacrificial love. Agape love is active, not passive. It is love that moves.

In fact, each time love is mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13, it is a verb, not a noun. In the original language, every mention of love is a verb and is to be active. So, the most exact translation of these phrases would be “Love practices patience…Love practices kindness…”

We need to actively practice our love toward one another. For example, if you notice your spouse is having a grueling day and it was their turn to make

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dinner, you can offer to take over that task and give them a chance to relax.

Practicing love is not something that comes naturally; we must treat our spouse as we would want to be treated at all times. I know, easier said than done, but here’s what I’ve learned from counseling couples over the years.

Most of the time, I believe husbands and wives know they need to love their spouses better. They create a plan and have every intention of acting on that plan. Unfortunately, that plan often fades as life gets busy or conflict turns your attention away from the image of God that your spouse is created in.

If you want to transform your marriage, you must put your plan for agape love into practice. You need to put God’s love into practice, because until you do, your marriage will never change. Before closing this chapter, think of one way you can show agape love to your spouse today. Let your plan of action be based on 1 Corinthians 13. Don’t let it be a passage that slips away in your marriage.

Loving Communication is Required In verse one of 1 Corinthians 13, Paul says, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” If you are going to remake your marriage, there must be loving communication. One very disheartening aspect for me as a pastor to see is people who are filled up with the knowledge of God’s grace, God’s love, and God’s Word, but speak to their spouses in ways that are not loving or respectful.

Paul says that you can fill yourself up with all the spiritual knowledge in the world, but the way you speak to others reveals your heart. In marriage, the fruit we bear matters. Using unkind language can put a bitter taste into the mouth of your spouse. Men, how many times when we speak to our brides do we devalue and discount them in the eyes of God and in the eyes of others? Wives, how often do you devalue and discount your husband with the words you say?

Paul says that it ought not to be that way. If you genuinely love, it will come through in your communication with your spouse, and they will

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Marriage Reboot | Caton taste the sweet fruit of kindness. It can be easy to get comfortable and forget to speak to our spouse the way we want to be spoken to. A regular compliment can go a long way, even if the compliment is for a mundane task. Regular loving communication supports a strong relationship.

Consider Kindness Starting in verse four of 1 Corinthians 13, Paul says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” Since Paul is referring to agape in this passage, these statements can be translated from the original text using active language. It reads like this: “Love practices being patient. Love practices being kind. Love practices not envying. Love practices not boasting. Love practices not being proud.” In other words, you must make a predetermined decision to practice each of these.

Men, take patience, for instance. You probably practiced patience when you started dating. If she was a little late, it was not a big deal because you were practicing patient love. Now ten or fifteen years later, you might be tapping your feet and asking her to hurry up with her hair and makeup. Regardless of how long you have been married, you need to practice being patient with your spouse in every circumstance.

Ladies, you need to practice being kind. Do you want to transform the heart of your spouse? Start practicing kindness toward them without expecting something in return.

I heard about a couple who went to their pastor for marriage counseling, and in the middle of their session, the pastor asked them, “Do you know what the biggest problem is with your marriage? There is no love.” The husband agreed, so the pastor told him, “Listen, Scripture says that you need to have an agape, sacrificial love for your wife. You need to love her as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” The husband looked down and said, “Pastor, I just can’t do that.” So, the pastor said, “All right.

Scripture also says that you should love your wife with an eros love, an emotional, passionate love.” The guy again looked at the pastor and said, “Pastor, I just can’t do that.” So, the pastor said, “All right, how about this?

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The Scripture says that you ought to at least have a phileo love for your wife...a brotherly, a friendly, a kindhearted love.” The husband looked at the pastor and said, “You know, I just can’t do that.” Finally, the pastor said, “Well, you know the Scripture says you ought to love your enemies, so how about if we just start there?”

Perhaps, over the years, you have developed an adversarial relationship with your spouse. Far too often, I see it when I counsel couples. When couples arrive, they enter with arms crossed in an adversarial mode. They are no longer working together, only working against each other. Over the course of their marriage, they have forgotten the practice of kindness.

Scripture shows us that everything would change if they started practicing kind-hearted consideration.

In Ephesians 2:2-3 Paul says, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Practice humility and acknowledge that you are not the perfect spouse. Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” In our marriages, we will fall short every day.

A renewed marriage is not going to happen overnight or simply because you want renewal. It will only come to fruition because you love each other enough to come together and make every effort to transform your communication by practicing consideration. From a biblical perspective, if you are a believer and you have the Spirit of God in you, and your spouse has the Spirit of God in him or her, then the Spirit of God that lives in each of you will never be in conflict. However, when we give into our selfish desires and start saying, “I” and “me” … and everything is about what “I” want…we are speaking from our flesh, which is what causes conflict in marriage. Instead of acting on our own personal agenda, we should have a kind-hearted consideration for our mate. The only way to successfully practice agape love is by keeping God’s Spirit at the center of our marriage.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton Develop a Willing Compromise If you want to revitalize your marriage, you need to live a life of willing compromise. Men, do you know what that means? You might need to look your wife in the eyes and say, “Yes, honey, I would love to go to the mall with you today.” As you walk down the mall and she looks at you and asks, “Are you having a good time?” you need to look her right in the eye and say, “I am with you, and that is where I want to be.” This is a compromise in practice.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:5, that love “is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” Again, in the original Greek, love is a verb. So, what this is really saying is, “Love practices not being rude.” This means there will be times in marriage when you just need to bite your lip. When you slip up and let rude words flow from your mouth, learn to say, “I am sorry for saying XYZ. I realize that was hurtful for you to hear, and I am going to take steps to avoid saying that again.”

In the passage, Paul also says “love does not practice being self-seeking.”

Unselfishness is the essence of a willing compromise; however, this doesn’t come naturally. It takes practice. I have four kids, and I have never needed to train one of them to be selfish. Right after they learn to say “Mom,” they learn to say “mine.” While you were dating, you likely wanted to put your best foot forward for another person. This meant practicing unselfishness and the art of compromise. Over time, you get comfortable and stop looking out for each other, putting unselfishness on the back burner. As a result, selfishness pushes forward; and if you are not careful, selfishness will sit at the forefront of your relationship without you even realizing.

Paul also says in this passage that we should not be easily angered. When two people are married and live as husband and wife, there are countless opportunities to get angry over the little and big things in life. Scripture is clear that we cannot live in harmony with our spouse while having an attitude of anger. Instead, husbands and wives must go out of their way to fend off those angry moments and thoughts, which is easier said than done.

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Recurrent anger in marriage can be caused by several emotions. In 2019, Focus on the Family published an article discussing how anger is a secondary emotion that stems from primary emotions like hurt and fear.7 I would encourage you to bring your emotions into the light. You can do this in a couple of ways. One would be going to God in prayer about your anger. Ask Him to soften your heart and help you practice kindness with your spouse. Another way can look like seeking help from a pastor or counselor. They can help you name which emotions are causing angry moments in your relationship. Taking active steps to heal your anger can be transformational.

Finally, we are to practice not keeping any record of wrongs. This means we need to live our married lives as though it were like a whiteboard. We need to be quick to erase those things our spouse does that irritate and anger us.

If you do that, you will be able to practice a willing compromise… and be so much further down the road to refreshing your marriage.

Be Faithful Husbands and wives, you need to remove all doubt that you could, or would ever, be unfaithful. Put guards up and let your spouse know that he or she is absolutely the only one for you. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:6, “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” This passage tells us to not delight in evil, even a little bit of evil. The literal translation of this verse is something like this: “Love practices rejecting any thoughts or desires of any evil intent; therefore, if there is any evil intent in a relationship outside of marriage, reject it completely!” Instead, you should rejoice in the truth.

The truth is this: The sweetest and best marriage relationship that you will ever have is the one that you are in right now. As Solomon said in Proverbs 5:18-19, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth…May you ever be captivated by her love.” Men, the 7 Focus on the Family, “Dealing with Anger in Your Marriage,” accessed [November 10, 2023], https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/dealing-with-anger-in-your-marriage/.

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Marriage Reboot | Caton only love that ought to captivate your love-life and your thoughts is your wife. Ladies, the only love that ought to captivate your love-life and your thoughts is your husband. This includes the possibility of being captivated by pornography.

In writing this book, I ran across several studies that highlighted how pornography can be destructive for a marriage. From time to time, I hear somebody say that it is no big deal just to look at it occasionally. The truth is, porn can have several negative effects on your marriage. A sociologist at the University of Oklahoma found that married Americans who actively view pornography in their marriage were twice as likely to get divorced as those who did not. He also found that pornography creates unrealistic portraits in peoples’ minds about how sexual relationships are supposed to function.8 Research shows that viewing pornography in marriage is clearly a big deal. It can cause issues from feeling distant and discouraged with your sex life to all-out divorce. Research doesn’t lie folks; your spouse needs to know that he or she is all that you need. Be faithful and your marriage will be fruitful.

Commit to Enduring Love Occasionally, you hear about Hollywood couples signing a prenuptial agreement. This agreement says that when the marriage is over and the parties involved want to move on, they can still have what is theirs.

My thought is, “Why did you bother getting married?” Marriage is about two becoming one, in every aspect of life—physically, financially, and emotionally. I am far more concerned about the postnuptial agreements many Christian couples put into effect after they get married.

8 Samuel Perry, “Pornography and Relationship Quality: Establishing the Dominant Pattern by Examining Pornography Use and 31 Measures of Relationship Quality across 30 National Surveys,” accessed [December 11, 2023], https://www.academia.edu/41339575/ Pornography_and_Relationship_Quality_Establishing_the_Dominant_Pattern_by_ Examining_Pornography_Use_and_31_Measures_of_Relationship_Quality_across_30_ National_Surveys?uc-g-sw=22693981.

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During the ceremony, the bride and groom say, “I love you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, till death do us part.” But after they have been married for a while, they change their tune and say, “I will love you if you just do this or do that.” Notice what Paul says about love in 1 Corinthians 13:7. He says that love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.” Love, God’s agape love, never fails.

Agape love “bears all things.” The root word of the Greek word for bears is roof. Agape love protects. A husband ought to be a roof over the family and over his wife. This looks like both physical and emotional protection.

If someone is trying to physically harm your family, if you are able, doing everything in your power to protect them should be your number one priority in that situation. The same goes for emotional attacks; if While God does someone is saying harsh words to His work to your spouse, you should stand by protect us, we them in defense, even if they can must do our part stand up for themselves. Agape love actively protects your marriage. and cherish our

marriage because

Agape love “believes all things.” it is a blessing That means you should deeply trust your spouse and actively work to from God to us. keep a bond of trust between you.

When you trust each other and trust God, you will believe that God has made your marriage a powerful union that nothing in this world should be able to stand against. Your marriage should be the sweetest relationship you will ever know. God has wanted this for men and women since the creation. He has made us in His image, and the sanctity of marriage bonds us together.

Agape love “hopes all things.” There are times in your relationship where all you have is hope. “For richer and for poorer” … and you are on the

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Marriage Reboot | Caton poorer side of richer. “For better, for worse” … and you are on the worse side of better. “In sickness and in health” … and you are on the sickness side of health. When challenging times come your way, and they will, you can hold on to the hope that God will continue to protect your marriage.

While God does His work to protect us, we must do our part and cherish our marriage because it is a blessing from God to us.

Agape love “endures all things.” How do you endure all things? In 1 Peter 4:8, Peter says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” An enduring commitment loves so deeply that it looks beyond the failures of your spouse! Does your marriage need to “thaw out” from its frozen state? Does it need a reboot? Let me ask you three questions: 1. Do you want to reboot your marriage?

2. If you want to reboot your marriage, are you willing to make the necessary changes?

3. Will you whole-heartedly dedicate yourself to improving your marriage? Not giving up when times get tough, or the reboot is taking longer than expected?

If you practice these four principles, you will head down the road of a warm, joyful marriage with your spouse. We must remember God’s design for a marriage is one that will last a lifetime. We should acknowledge that differences in personality, those that once pulled us to our spouse like a magnet, can also repel us if we are not careful.

For some, a quick reboot is all that’s needed to get their marriage up and running smoothly again. For other couples, the wait will be much longer and might even take a trip to the Genius Bar at the Apple Store (a.k.a., marriage counseling), and there is no shame in bringing in a specialist who helps repair marriages daily! If, and the key word here is if, you are willing to put in the effort, you can rekindle the flame in your romance. Regardless of where you are in your marriage, don’t give up. I believe the result of a happy and healthy marriage is always worth it!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Marriage Reboot | Caton John Mark Caton, Ph.D., is not only a seasoned pastor but also a widely recognized author and speaker.

With a profound commitment to guiding others through life’s challenges, John Mark’s influence extends beyond the pulpit of Cottonwood Creek Church to various media platforms, hosting his own podcast and as a featured guest on Fox News. As the senior pastor of Cottonwood Creek Church since 1995, he has exemplified steadfast leadership and unwavering devotion to his congregation. His tenure has been marked by a dedication to fostering spiritual growth and providing guidance rooted in the timeless wisdom of scripture.

Beyond his pastoral duties, John Mark is a dynamic speaker and author, sharing his experiences with a captivating blend of wisdom, humor, and authenticity. Through his speaking engagements, he inspires and empowers individuals to reach their full potential, offering insights into personal growth, leadership, matters of faith, resilience, and navigating life’s trials with grace. As an author, John Mark’s books build upon his life experiences and biblical knowledge to explore various topics including marriage, mental health, successful Christian living, depression, and suicide.

Through his writing, speaking engagements, and pastoral ministry, John Mark continues to inspire countless individuals to embrace faith, find purpose, and navigate life’s challenges with unwavering resolve. In his own words, he encapsulates his life philosophy: “There are times in our lives when we feel like things can’t get any worse. In these low points, it’s important to remember that your life always has purpose—God always has a plan for you.”

Outside of his professional endeavors, John Mark is a devoted family man, husband to his wife Jeana since 1990, and proud father of four children. His love for his family, combined with his passion for sports and unwavering faith, forms the foundation of his identity and fuels his relentless pursuit of spreading positivity and encouragement.

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