Daily Lobo 04/03/2023

Blood in the streets: ROTC performs military coup

UNM football to do worse with more funding Money put toward Corvettes for players, massage beds

By Miyawni Curtis @MiyawniCurtis

The University of New Mexico athletics department increased the football team’s budget to $50 million for the 2023-2024 year despite another disastrous season where they failed to beat even New Mexico State University in fall 2022.

By Maddie Pukite @maddogpukite

This past week, the ROTC led a coup d’etat that resulted in the ousting of Garnett Stokes as the University of New Mexico’s president and the installation of a puppet gov-

ernment. The cadets seized power after learning that there was an oil reserve under Stokes’s house.

The former president was arrested immediately on the grounds of caring about the environment. University officials reportedly regret “caring too much for the environment,” in light of the coup.

Swans gentrify Duck Pond

By Marcela Johnson @DailyLobo

As the weather warms up, life returns to the University of New Mexico Duck Pond. This year, however, the Pond faces new and unwelcome guests: swans, moving in and increasing the property value and forcing the ducks to find new homes.

Since the beginning of spring, swans slowly have been taking over the Pond, said Jeremiah Clack, the old man who walks around the Pond on Tuesday evenings. It started slow — an artisanal pea bistro opened by the waterfall — but it has sped up in recent months. This unfortunate situation hurts the ducks and the surrounding ecosystem.

“Those swans are mean and bitey,” Clack said. “They don’t know how to share. I feel bad for the ducks just trying to get by.”

The swans are likely here to stay, according to fourth year zoology major Dona Tello. She said this is a common occurrence for animals,

no matter the species.

“Honestly they’re probably taking notes from what’s going on in the South Valley right now,” Tello said. “They’re always watching.”

The ducks are having to get more competitive in order to get their bread. Janice Rice, an elderly lady who feeds the ducks bread slices despite being told not to, said that she cannot keep up with demand and will have to start charging the birds taxes on her crumbs.

“I swear that those swans are just doing it to piss off the ducks. The bread isn’t good for either of them in the first place,” Rice said.

Rice explained that she tries to support the ducks, but admits she has started to like the growing population of swans.

“They make me feel safe,” Rice said. “The Duck Pond used to be a little scary, and the ducks don’t do themselves any favors.”

The swans have also begun to encroach on the turtle rock, causing economic hardship for its residents.

The turtles are expecting to lose see Gentrify page 2

The takeover was aided significantly by the efforts of the CIA.

“We saw little potential, but it seemed like a good use of money,” The CIA wrote in a statement. “I can’t believe they pulled it off. These kids have a bright future.”

see Coup page 2

Experts believe the budget increase was a result of NMSU beating the Lobos in the 2022 homecoming game after the rival school increased their training to up to two weeks a semester, according to an article written by Pistol Pete.

The football team has deemed it important to take funds from the women’s basketball program which continues to lead the Mountain West conference season after season. The team will use the funds for massage beds,

hot tubs, a Corvette for each player, a therapist and a buffet in the locker room, according to the football news website.

The massage beds were purchased to help the players relax their muscles after a weekend of partying and from carrying absolutely nothing on their backs. The hot tubs are especially important, as they’ll allow the players to soak in all their sorrow, according to the football news website.

The therapist was hired for the players’ mental health because athletes were emotionally drained after they attempted to save Lobo Louie and Lobo Lucy’s relationship, which included using a portion of their budget to bribe Lucy to get back with him.

The team believed the relationship was the foundation for the team’s luck, according to a TMZ press release.

see Football page 2

Daily Lobo Cameras Stolen

Mackenzie Schwartz / Daily Lobo /

@mackenzid5

Have you seen this person? On March 23, during the creation of this issue, the Daily Lobo cameras were stolen from the office. If you know or have any information about the suspect please call someone. If you don’t have information don’t tell anyone. If you are the suspect who stole the cameras can we please have our cameras back? Pretty please with a cherry on top? :)

Mackenzie Schwartz / Daily Lobo / @DailyLobo

The UNM ROTC Marines burn down Johnson Gym.

Coup from page 1

This partnership had been years in the making, though initially by mistake, when ROTC Marine commander Mat Hayden thought he had been in correspondence with the Crayola Incorporated Association and not the Central Intelligence Agency.

“We honestly thought we were getting crayons, but then lots of guns and bombs came,” Hayden said. “So that was fun, if disappointing.”

Football from page 1

teams finance manager Swiper J. Fox.

Head coach Peak Ed Inhighschool advocated for the football players and defended the recent expenses.

“My boys are really sensitive, and I need to make sure I am supplying their every need. They need to eat and feel comfortable. As for the corvettes, how else would they make it to games?,” Inhighschool said.

Gentrify from page 1 hundreds of dollars in revenue from the gentrification.

“The turtles are pretty good at economics but even they couldn’t have expected how this would affect them,” Tello said. “No way their shell taxes don’t go up.”

Tello explained that the turtles

Lobo Louie was the first casualty in the takeover. His head was promptly lifted on a stake. This caused an intense deliberation amongst cadets about what to do for a new mascot, Hayden said. The new mascot, featured on their new flag, depicts Louie’s decapitated head with blood dripping down and features text that reads “ROTC rules.”

We pulled an all-nighter to de-

Early in the year, Inhighschool decided that the team’s assigned bus was dangerous. He proceeded to sell the bus and used the profit to purchase a new wardrobe for himself. He also admitted to using the funds to pay off game officials so they would make calls in favor of the Lobos.

At the Boise State University v. UNM game, he took advantage of this to make it seem like their loss was by 10 points rather

had previously held well-established relationships with the ducks to live peacefully and respect each other’s businesses. However, the swans do not respect tradition and fear no man.

Clack said the best thing the community could do would be to ignore the swans and focus on sup-

sign this,” Hayden said. “After taking control of Stokes’ house, we have all the crayons we need.”

The cadets have no plans for the future ruling structure, although they have already changed the name of Johnson Gym to “Fart Chairforce.” They have already placed the order for the neon letters, and are too proud to order an O to replace the A, according to a recent press release.

than 30.

“Yes, I take the money and they expect me to make calls on their side, but I can’t make calls if they aren’t doing anything,” an anonymous game official said.

The players from sports like women’s soccer, baseball and basketball will be expected to fundraise for the football team.

Inhighschool will introduce a new method to better the team’s odds which involves recruiting

porting the ducks.

“They’re real attention seekers. They’ll try to hassle you about their yoga-loving lifestyles. Don’t let it get to you, don’t accept their invitations to board game nights or Bible studies, just go on and move about your day,” Clack said.

“We got power. That was really our plan. Now we continue to have power. We really accomplished a lot,” Hayden said. “In the program, we only learn about war. So we did war. We won war.”

The coup has spurred minimal backlash from the local population, as students have noticed no real change in the college environment, leaving them to wonder if ROTC cadets really do anything at all.

“underdogs.” Fans can expect nothing from for the upcoming season in fall 2023.

Miyawni Curtis is a freelance reporter at the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at news@ dailylobo.com or on Twitter @MiyawniCurtis

Clack and Tello have teamed up to create an event called “Save The Duck Pond.” The event aims to hunt the swans out of the Duck Pond and will occur on April 13, 2022 from 5 to 9 p.m. The organizers encourage guests to bring their own weapons.

UNM to offer free hysterectomies

By Lauren Lifke @DailyLobo

March commemorates Women’s History Month and, although it just came to a close, the University of New Mexico already plans to offer a unique way to celebrate next year by offering free hysterectomies in the Student Union Building.

It is a time to honor and acknowledge women’s history, including reproductive health, according to Wilson Park, the University’s Head of Completely Safe Activities.

UNM’s administration has taken steps to ensure that these choices are accessible to its students. While

simply offering abortions was considered, it was not chosen because it would only benefit a handful of students. Thus, the administration opted to offer all students with uteruses, regardless of gender identity, a chance to exercise their freedom of choice, according to Park.

Any UNM student with a valid LoboCard and a uterus is invited to receive a hysterectomy performed by undergrad pre-med students and sponsored by Claire’s, the press release announcing the event said.

Park said this is a win for both sides of the abortion debate, as it prevents future abortions while providing people with an op -

portunity to choose what’s best for them when it comes to their reproductive organs.

The event also doubles as a fundraiser. All harvested organs will be collected and sold at an anonymous and completely legal emporium. All proceeds will be donated to the Women’s Resource Center on campus, Park said.

Chad Jones, a member of anti-abortion organization Men Against Eating Babies, said he supports the event.

“When MAEB said we wanted to stop abortion, we had a lot of solutions in mind. Performing back-alley see Offers page 3

Maddie Pukite is the managing editor at the Daily Lobo. They can be contacted at managingeditor@ dailylobo.com or on Twitter @maddogpukite

Marcela

Mackenzie Schwartz / Daily Lobo / @mackenzid5

A sign stands outside of the SUB advertising free hysterectomies in honor of Women’s History Month.

Offers from page 3 medical procedures was not on the list of solutions, but I guess we’re not mad about it,” said Jones. “It’s a step in the right direction.”

It is also a unique learning opportunity for pre-med students. This will be the students’ first time with hands-on experience in their

future field of study. The department of biology also invites any student to participate in performing the hysterectomies to test out their interest in the field.

Rebecca Myer, a first-year biology major, said she looks forward to her first medical procedure.

“I’m not sure if I want to go to medical school and this is a perfect opportunity for me to try out an aspect of the field before making any major career commitments,” Myer said. “I wouldn’t want to make any rash decisions.”

The procedures will take place

Parks said.

in front of Chick-Fil-A at the SUB at noon every Wednesday for the duration of March, 2024. All are welcome to join.

“Whether you hate abortion, love bodily autonomy or just want to harvest some organs, the event has a place for everybody,”

UNM to build turnstiles around entire campus perimeter $777 million put toward defensive weaponry

By Henry Hammel @hhfreestone

In an effort to increase campus security and safety, the University of New Mexico has undertaken plans to add turnstiles around the perimeter of main campus by April 1, 2024.

Following the success of the newly implemented turnstiles at UNM libraries, university administration is implementing what they call a “natural” and “necessary” upgrade to this system.

Accomplishing a campus-wide perimeter is estimated to require 12,420 turnstile gates, which should cost around $3 million, but the “new technology” complementing the turnstiles has brought the cost closer to $777 million, according to Paidby Ceo, the Associated Students at the University of New Mexico’s secretary of defense.

“At first I thought this might have been a little excessive, but times are changing. The modern way to have a safe and inclusive campus is to

exclude any threats to that inclusivity and safety,” Ceo said.

UNM Facilities Management said that the increased technology budget was for the turnstile “enforcement mechanism,” which will add turrets with machine guns and tactical missiles that will target anyone who attempts to pass without scanning a valid LoboCard ID. The LoboCards have also been upgraded with a tracking device in every card.

“Thanks to the turnstiles and the chips, we can find exactly where a student enters and leaves campus, and based on their steps we can pinpoint their exact location at all times,” Ceo said. “I’ve been told it was a ‘nightmare’ for the LoboCard office to replace every single card but I think it was worth it.”

Two UNM Police Department officers, Martin Heedlock and Grumrop Northman, spoke on the efficiency of having missile turrets to accompany turnstiles.

“Instead of having to stress out students with a LoboAlert for every incident on campus, we can simply see Turnstiles page 5

Lauren Lifke is a freelance reporter at the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at news@dailylobo.com

Henry Hammel / Daily Lobo / @hhfreestone

A test run of UNM’s

Stokes awards ‘Hunger Games’ title, living wage to victor

By Gabriel Garcia @GLGWrites

University of New Mexico President Garnett Stokes presented the first annual Hunger Games award to Cat Nuncmuert, a graduate student from the English department, on Sunday, April 2 on the thirdfloor balcony of Scholes Hall.

“On behalf of the Board of Regents, we are pleased to officially name English graduate student Cat Nuncmuert as the winner of the first annual UNM Hunger Games. Cat has demonstrated what being a Lobo is truly about with her perseverance, service and astute thinking,” Stokes said.

The Games, administered by Provost James Holloway, took place over nearly two weeks, from Tuesday, March 11 until March 23. Selected via a lottery, two students from each of the seven different graduate schools participated in the event.

The games commenced and ended at UNM’s Johnson Field, where a cornucopia full of weapons and supplies sat in the center of the space. The games ended when Quinn Dordenmorger, a doctoral student in exercise science, gave an incorrect answer to a riddle to unlock a weapon at the cornucopia, which exploded in her face, according to the playby-play over radio broadcast.

Most of the event took place across the main and North cam-

puses, monitored and broadcast live using new and existing surveillance infrastructure, Stokes said.

“We kept an eye on every corner of our campus, with around 1,400 cameras monitoring our students at all times. In addition, we were proud to partner with the Albuquerque Police Department to provide extensive 24/7 drone coverage of the event,” Stokes said.

During the games, undergraduate students crowdfunded donations to purchase care packages for tributes. In total, more than $24,000 in Lobo swag and food from the Student Union Building Mercado were donated to the tributes, according to a press release from the President’s office.

For her victory, Nuncmuert will be given a teaching release for one course for the upcoming academic year. In addition, the English graduate program will be adequately funded for one year, providing a living wage for the 57 remaining graduate workers in that program, Holloway said.

“With this course release, I only have to teach one class a semester next year. That’s really going to let me focus on my own research so I can try to finish this program in five years. And having a living wage means that I won’t have to decide between buying food or putting gas in my car,” Nuncmuert said.

The reason that only seven different graduate programs participated was because the school

of engineering opted out due to lack of “sane” and “playable” tributes, Holloway said.

“Listen, it is a great honor to be selected. It provides otherwise impossible opportunities. And those students from the school of engineering and the 13 tributes that did not make it will reduce the surplus population and the strain on our system,” Holloway said.

In her closing remarks, Stokes

invited students, faculty, staff and community members to a victory parade along Redondo Drive next Tuesday to kick off Nuncmuert’s tour through each of UNM’s academic departments.

UNM will increase student fees to a minimum of $500 starting fall 2023 to finance the 2024 Hunger Games, according to a press release from the Office of the President.

Garcia is a freelance reporter at the Daily Lobo. He can be reached at culture@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @GLGWrites

Albuquerque Raising Cane’s grand opening … in 2060

By Elizabeth Secor @esecor2003

Raising Cane’s in Albuqerque opened its doors on March 28, 2060, 20 years after the intended opening date. Those gathered outside waiting to taste the famous chicken said this was the 82nd time they showed up for its opening.

After the COVID-19 pandemic, the first mass distruction of the city caused by the roadrunner stampede and Dion’s’ monopoly on all fast food restaurants, Cane’s had no other option but to delay their opening, according to Chick Fila, the only remaining employee and owner of the restaurant.

Still, the primary factor for delay was attributed to the Green Chile v. Red Chile War that reduced the city to ruins. However, despite all odds, they were still

able to open after finding chicken at the ruins of La Posada, Fila said.

“I was just out scavenging, as one does, and I happened upon all this chicken in what I think used to be La Posada,” Fila said. “I don’t know how old it is, but it still looks like what they used to serve when I was a freshman. Exactly the same, completely fresh — almost like the chicken was killed yesterday.”

The chicken did not taste precisely like Raising Cane’s, but the leftover Cane’s Sauce he found under a radiator, which Fila described as “definitely not radioactive,” fixed the taste. The opening day was even more successful than he thought it would be when he first decided to serve the local community with chicken.

“I had two whole customers come to get chicken,” Fila said. “They stayed the whole time,

Volume 127 Issue 30

though one did get violently ill in the bathroom after eating. I’m not sure why, though.”

All things considered, Fila has still found a way to enjoy the once-legendary chicken even if things weren’t quite what they used to be.

“I know it doesn’t have the same taste,” Fila said. “But I’m still loving it.”

The new Raising Cane’s location can be found on what used to be known as the corner of Rio Grande Boulevard and Central Avenue but is now more commonly referred to as the “Dead Zone.”

Elizabeth Secor is the multimedia editor for the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at multimedia @dailylobo.com or on Twitter @ esecor2003

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UNM Land Acknowledgement statement

Founded in 1889, the University of New Mexico sits on the traditional homelands of the Pueblo of Sandia. The original peoples of New Mexico – Pueblo, Navajo, and Apache – since time immemorial, have deep connections to the land and have made significant contributions to the broader community statewide. We

UNM President Garnett Stokes looks over Johnson Field in preparation for the first ever Hunger Games at UNM.

Gabriel

Mackenzie Schwartz / Daily Lobo / @mackenzid5

The new Raising Cane’s in Albuquerque announces that they will be opening in 2060.

Turnstiles from page 3

fire a tactical missile at the exact location of a suspected perpetrator. It saves the time of due process and makes use of the really cool missiles we bought,” Heedlock said.

Before rolling out this plan to the entire campus, UNMPD tested out this system at the high traffic

Central Avenue and Cornell Drive entrance.

“Our test worked wonderfully: the few threats that made it past the turnstiles were swiftly taken care of by our machine guns. Some of our weapons misfired and dealt minor damage to some surrounding

buildings, but it was overall a successful test run,” Northman said.

Ceo confirmed to the Daily Lobo that Frontier was “completely obliterated by missile-related explosions” during testing.

When asked about their opinion on the turnstiles, UNM sophomore

Allo Oof was unsure but understood the thought process.

“I think I would still feel safe with less turnstiles. But I suppose if they wanted to build more people would just try to hop them, so the missile turrets make sense,” Oof said.

Hammel is a freelance reporter for the Daily Lobo. He can be reached at culture@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @hhfreestone

Lobo Louie bites child in divorce aftermath

Lobo Lucy to leave beloved mascot for NMSU’s Pistol Pete

By Elizabeth Secor @esecor2003

University of New Mexico mascot Lobo Louie bit a child in the middle of a rampage on Wednesday, March 29. Earlier that day, Lobo Louie and fellow mascot Lobo Lucy finalized their divorce which occurred after it was revealed that Lucy was involved in an affair with New Mexico State University’s mascot Pistol Pete.

After hearing the news, Louie went on a bender that ended with him spending a night in jail after biting a child, according to reports. The child’s father, Richard Kocks, said that Louie was “more wolf than mascot” when he and his son ran into him in downtown Albuquerque.

“My son is the biggest fan of Lobo Louie: has posters and stuffed animals of him all over his room. So, when we saw Louie out and about, of course my son was excited,” Kocks said. “I could never have predicted what would happen when my son ran up to Lobo Louie.”

Eye-witnesses reported seeing the child run up to Louie when suddenly Louie lashed out and bit the child’s arm. The Albuquerque Police Department showed up at the scene, with Louie attempting to bite several police officers.

UNM’s department of athletics refused to use their $50 million football budget to bail Louie out of jail. Head coach Peak Ed Inhighschool said was meant to be a punishment.

“Not only does he not help us win games, but now his wife is leaving him for our biggest rival,” Inhighschool said. “It’s an embarrassment to UNM sports and to me.”

Lucy said she plans to move to Las Cruces to be with Pete and change her name to Pistol Lucy. Reportedly, the UNM community has recently nicknamed her “Loosey Lucy.”

“Look, if you had been married to Louie as long as I have, you’d know why my Petey is so much better,” Lucy said. “I mean, you don’t see him going around biting people, do ya? The biting gets tiresome after a while, ya know?”

This is not the only time Louie has bitten someone: he had often used the move as a gesture to demonstrate his “alpha” status, according to Lucy.

“Louie really thought he was the ‘alpha’ in this relationship,” Lucy said. “But, ‘alphas,’ I think, can at least, you know, get it up. He could take a lesson from Pete — that isn’t just a pistol in his pants.”

Louie was unavailable for comment as he has yet to stop trying to bite multiple civilians and UNM faculty.

“Everything is fine. Louie just needed to go on a quick vacation,” Inhighschool said. “I’m sure he will return for the next football game we win.”

Elizabeth Secor is the multimedia editor for the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at sports@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @esecor2003

The University of New Mexico Student Publica�ons Board is now accep�ng applica�ons for 2023-2024

Requirements:

Daily Lobo Editor

Apply at unmjobs.unm.edu

Applica�on Deadline

Monday, April 3, 2023

Term of Office

May 2023 through April 2024

To be selected as editor of the Daily Lobo, the candidate must be a student enrolled at the University of New Mexico, have been enrolled in 6 hours or more at UNM the current and preceding semester, and must be enrolled as a UNM student in a degree-gran�ng program for 6 hours or more throughout the term of office. Preferred applicants have a cumula�ve grade point average of at least 2.5 by the end of the preceding semester and some publica�on experience.

For more information call 277-5656 or email Daven Quelle at daven.quelle@dailylobo.com

Henry

Annya Loya / Daily Lobo / @annyaloya

Lobo Lucy and Pistol Pete enjoy their new romance as Lobo Louie goes through messy divorce aftermath.

Straight White Male Resource Center fosters community for group in need of it least

By Addison Key @addisonkey11

The Straight White Male Resource Center has worked faithfully to create a vibrant community at the University of New Mexico focused on raising visibility and support for all straight white males on campus. The Center is delighted to bring resources and community to all students who qualify to the specific straight, white and male constraints, according to the Center’s president Jake Micheals.

Micheals — former social media director of Sigma Chi, 2019 Wii Golf Intermediate Level Champion and the loudest man in your political science class — is interested in providing services that combat hateful environments on campus and protect the privacy of its members (men who are straight and white).

“If a student came to us and mentioned something related to crimes they may or may not have have committed, such as sexual assault, stalking, harrasment or domestic violence, we are fully equipped to provide emotional support and resources for their next steps,” Mi-

cheals said. “Our counselors are not mandatory reporters.”

The center is interested in protecting the unique educational experience of straight-white-maleidentifying students through a group of representatives hired through 4chan and trained to negotiate with the University, according to Micheals.

“We have liaisons that work with interested students to exempt them from the University’s diversity requirements. We want to make sure that each student’s education reflects their cultural background, or even their lack of one,” Micheals said.

Jacob Edwards, director of Natty Light acquisitions for the center said that they are working to expand beyond their main location to increase visibility.

“Ya, we thought it would be important to have multiple locations set up in addition to our main center. It’s all about spreading our beliefs across the whole campus. Manifest Destiny, y’know?,” Edwards said.

With growing attention from the University community, Edwards said that they are interested in listening to the student’s requests and providing services that cater to their

immediate needs.

“Students really enjoy connecting through their similar struggles, so we have collage nights where straight white male students can come in their sweats or pajamas and bring physical prints of their failed NFTs for the group to use in their vision boards,” Edwards said. “It’s been a really sweet experience. We hang up the best ones around the office.”

The center also offers workshops for qualifying students. Past workshops have included, “Combating Myths of Gaslighting: Centering the Accused,” “White Men in the 21st Century: Remaining Defiant” and “Challenges of Straight and White Men: Embracing Intersectionality.”

Micheals is excited about creating an inclusive community at the Straight White Male Resource Center.

“We have worked really hard to get this program off the ground. We encourage all students that are white, straight and male to come visit us,” Micheals said. “And cisgendered. And Christian.”

Addison Key is a freelance reporter at the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at culture@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @addisonkey11

Fraternities sign non-hazing pledge (wink)

By Miyawni Curtis @MiyawniCurtis

This past weekend, fraternities at the University of New Mexico gathered at a summit on Johnson Field to sign a non-hazing pledge.

They vowed to hold each other accountable and never again subject initiates to the cruel and unusual punishments that come with joining their organizations (wink).

The men participating in the on-campus frats gathered unsupervised to conduct a meeting to write and sign the pledge; a passerby reported hearing gales of laughter from the gathering group. In recent months, fraternities

have faced mounting pressure by administrators to improve their organizational ethics. While brainstorming ideas for the subject, they ate edibles and came up with an idea they thought “might be funny,” resulting in the pledge’s creation, according to Chad Trey, frat brother and reformed hazer.

“With this pledge, we hereby vow to never haze any initiate again,” Trey said. “We pledge to never pull up beside them in rented vans, grab them, blindfold them and drive them out to the lake where we’ll hold them underwater for as long as possible before they pass out. We also won’t make them fight each other immediately afterward, and defi-

nitely not nude — that’s just not something we’d do.”

The pledge was read and approved by the National Organization of Hazing, led by graduates of Pi Kappa Alpha, who did a very good job at keeping a straight face while they oversaw the proceedings.

“We think that this will keep the nice young men on track,” said a spokesperson for the NOH, who claimed to remember something funny at the same time he was speaking. “And maybe help all people see that frats are safe for everyone, including little wimpy twerps who can’t take a joke.”

The fraternities on campus have faced intense scrutiny over

misbehavior and are tired of going to court — police reports “harsh their vibe,” according to Trey.

“We are the sweetest and hottest and richest guys on campus,” Trey said. “And we’re committed to diversity or ethics or whatever.

So even though it’s our right as the sweetest, hottest, richest guys to blow off steam by hitting golf balls off of freshmans’ stomachs, we’re giving that up — for America.”

Fraternities are safe and are made to unite no specific types of men, Trey said. In the days since the signing, campus fraternities have seen an increase in recruitment among dorks — a development Trey calls “exciting.”

“Since we stopped forcing in-

ductees to do backflips off of buildings we have had less injuries,” Trey said. “That’s gotta count for something. And these losers see that.”

Next week, they’re set to sign a document of support for catcalling victims, which they swear is not ironic.

Miyawni Curtis is a freelance reporter at the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at news@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @MiyawniCurtis

Isabella Frasco / Daily Lobo / @bellafrasco

The Women’s Resource Center is changed into the Straight White Male Resource Center on UNM Campus.

REVIEW: This film is a _______________, _________ exploration of ________

By Maddie Pukite @maddogpukite

This past week, a new film was released in ________. location

The ________ film starred adjective _______, a nepotism baby, name who was more __________ adjective than expected. Though the film was ______________, negative adjective

negative adjective

it ultimately surpassed my expectations.

In theaters opening night audiences were ___________ passive verb when _______, the main name character’s _______, _______ relation past verb him with a _____. This left many noun in the audience, including this reviewer,________ verb

The movie centered on a

__________ who _______ type of guy past verb after the ______. This plot line event felt slightly ________, and adjective the trope was just used in title of much better movie The soundtrack to the movie was done by _________. composer You could tell he thought very _______ about what he wanted adverb the movie to sound like; it was

positive adjective

noun

reminiscent of _______. sound

He ________ __________ at this, past verb adverb however, instead creating something that sounded more like ___________. awful sound

The costuming of the film was typical of the time. They had _________ _________________, adjective articles of clothing which left this reviewer wondering whether the actors could even _____. verb

The film was overall an _______ adjective experience for viewers that left them completely ____________ in the world the passive verb movie created. I would recommend all those who wish to see the movie go to a ________ - D movie number screening to __________ this _____________.

verb adjective noun

Maddie Pukite is the managing editor at the Daly Lobo. They can be reached on Twitter @maddogpukite

Students fill Duck Pond with radioactive waste

By Maddie Pukite @maddogpukite

Over the duration of spring break, students at the University of New Mexico who remained on campus might have noticed giant white tents that popped up, covering the University’s Duck Pond. These tents were used to cover up nuclear engineering students who used red solo cups to carry radioactive nuclear waste over to refill the pond, according to Bryce Adams, a student who participated.

The pond was drained after a student attempted to dye it green in celebration of Saint Patrick’s Day. However, after the squirrels on campus started to ingest the dye, toxins in the dye caused them to think they could fly: multiple complaints about squirrels falling out of the sky were reported, according to UNM Facilities Management.

“It was really a great bonding activity for the guys, and we figured no one would notice anyway. The challenge of it was fun too: we needed to run quickly before the cups disintegrated and burned our hands,” Adams said.

Three students who also participated in the haul reported that if you were to fully dip a hand into

the pond, it would come out with the bones exposed. However, the engineering department did enforce safety precautions.

“Before spring break, we all got together for a craft circle and created pointy wizard hats out of tin foil. It was really nice to just sit around and do some crafts with my buds,” Adams said.

The waste seems to also be having an effect on the turtles and ducks. Their heads have shifted slightly to make room for a third eyeball. This is due to the steaming puddles that have been left in a straight line from the nuclear engineering department. The puddles were caused by red solo cups that disintegrated before reaching the pond, according to Samantha Bobby, a biology student who studied the aftermath.

“This is really a great opportunity for us to learn more about the impacts of nuclear waste. We now have about a dozen of these three-eyed turtles that seem to be thriving,” Bobby said.

Most students, however, have not seemed to notice a difference in the pond, including Rachel Roxxan, who the Daily Lobo spoke to in the hospital after she swam through the pond and was left in critical condition.

“Everyone keeps asking me why

I did it, but it honestly didn’t seem to be all that different from normal,” Roxxan said. “What can I say: they double-dog dared me.”

The three-eyed ducks will be safely kept in a sanctuary in the

Isabella Frasco / Daily Lobo / @bellafrasco Ducks swim in the radioactive UNM Duck Pond.

Daily Lobo office at Marron Hall. UNM community members may show their support by volunteering at the sanctuary or donating at threeeyeducksfromthepond.com

Maddie Pukite is the managing editor at the Daily Lobo. They can be contacted at managingeditor@ dailylobo.com or on Twitter @maddogpukite

Student on trial for collecting too many parking tickets

Opportunity Scholarship rendered useless by fees

By Annya Loya @annyaloya

Undergraduate Laura Driver will stand trial after accruing 500 parking tickets so far in the 2022-23 academic year, according to Karen Patton, the University of New Mexico’s Parking and Transportation Service public information officer.

The citation’s payment amount is so large that Driver’s Opportunity Scholarship has been used in its entirety to cover it.

Driver is to stand trial for the $12,500 in parking citations in front of the Associated Students at the University of New Mexico Supreme Court, according to Damien Morales, UNM’s Parking and

Transportation president.

“We excel at making the lives of students a living hell, but we’ve never seen anything like this,” Morales wrote in an email to the Daily Lobo. “Almost makes us feel bad. Almost.”

Driver’s trial has divided the UNM community between antiPATS and very anti-PATS advocates, according to a UNM press release.

Driver said she never intended to cause such a commotion, and it was an honest mistake on her part.

“It was all so silly of me. I naively thought that after paying thousands in all my tickets last year to attend this godforsaken institution I could park anywhere I needed to,”

Driver said. “I was blind.”

Patton said that Robinson was a product of an extremist student

cult advocating for unnecessary privileges such as ample parking space or improved communication about threats to student safety on campus while living in the dorms.

“It’s insulting that we even need to have this conversation. If you want to park in our limited parking spaces, just pay an extra $500. It’s simple,” Patton said.

Annya Loya is the news editor at the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at news@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @annyaloya

Humanities labeled ‘technically STEM’ by UNM

By Annya Loya @annyaloya

A group of students gathered in protest outside the philosophy department offices after the University of New Mexico declared the college of arts and sciences officially considered to be part of Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics. During his acceptance speech for the massive increase in funding that

came with the new label, Ed Epis, the dean of the philosophy department, was interrupted by a group of protesters chanting, “Art is not STEM. Art is not STEM.”

Protesters looked like they were waterboarded in the UNM Duck Pond — clearly, members of the engineering department, Epis said.

“It’s so sad to see such a ridiculous division on our campus. Arts and sciences fall under the ‘S’ in ‘STEM.’ We’re all STEM here. We’re all trying to help our world. Shouldn’t that be

what matters?” Epis said.

Joshua Dickenson, the leader of the protest, claimed that the electrical engineering department would not back down until the label was rescinded or until anyone in his department got laid; whichever came first.

Annya Loya is the news editor at the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at news@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @ annyaloya

Annya Loya / Daily Lobo / @annyaloya

A University of New Mexico student plots great revenge after PATS put a boot on their car.

Seungyeon Back / Daily Lobo / @DailyLobo

A flyer on a billboard shows the new majors that are now going to be considered STEM.

Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Lewis

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