KAYA REIMAGINES RELATIONSHIPS The power of personal agency and unlearning unhealthy childhood behaviors Frankly. is a podcast that explores the health and wellbeing of adolescents from the perspectives and lived experiences of young people on Chicago’s South and West sides. Co-produced by Chicago youth Kaya Thomas and Alizha Vernon and Ci3 at the University of Chicago, Frankly. is a seven-episode series that builds on the findings from Ci3’s Adolescent X study, a research project that studies narrative methods to explore the messages that young people receive about their bodies, identities, and sexual health. Frankly. centers the voices of young people marginalized by race, gender, and/or sexual orientation as they navigate various social environments, develop their identities, and understand the world around them. Frankly aims to contextualize the stories of young people by examining the ways in which structural barriers and institutions impede on their health and wellbeing.
The Frankly. Podcast Mixtape is a discussion guide that accompanies the Frankly. podcast. It is a compilation of links to articles, archival and audio-visual materials, films and documentaries, related findings from the Adolescent X research study, and resources that provide insights into the topics explored in each episode. It will highlight Chicago-based community spaces that uplift the brilliance and diversity of Chicago’s South and West Side neighborhoods.
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Episode Summary In Reimagining Relationships, podcast co-host, Kaya Thomas shares her journey of unlearning the harmful narrative that friends cannot be trusted. She does this unlearning through her relationship with her former partner and friend, Sam. At the beginning of the episode, Kaya recounts a moment from her childhood when her mom was complaining about a friend who insulted her. Kaya’s mom shared a lesson on friendship from this experience. When Kaya meets Sam during high school, she begins questioning these messages from her mother. As her bond with Sam grows, Kaya opens herself to the possibility of trusting their friendship. Kaya reflects on where her mother learned these messages around relationships. She traces the root of this mentality to the narrative that Black women and femmes have to be resilient and strong in order to survive a world where they are dehumanized. “To me, the center of a healthy relationship is agency. That both people are able to have control over their experience, which requires good communication, which requires understanding, requires a level of grace, allowing someone to have made mistakes, and that not be the whole of who we see them as.” -- Dr. Darnell Motley In this statement, Dr. Darnell Motley, psychologist, introduces the term “agency.” Agency is a sense of control over one’s life, actions, and their experience without outside influence or manipulation. Agency is “I want to do this thing because it fulfills me.” Agency is not “I need to do this thing to make this person happy.” At the center of agency is an understanding of one’s needs and desires. To love well, we must engage in connections that are balanced, honest, and safe. And, we must be willing to do the self-work necessary to show up authentically. Healthy relationships are not ones where harm never happens, because we are human and our words or actions may harm others. Healthy relationships are ones where we are willing to foster true connection and restore harm we inflict on others, intentionally or unintentionally. Kaya’s willingness to open herself up to Sam, to unlearn harmful behaviors in order to deepen their connection, expanded her understanding of what love and relationships could be. Her ex did not become a villain in her
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head. Instead, they committed to re-grounding their relationship as good friends who support and love each other.
Topic Background Kaya’s story illustrates the importance of cultivating balanced relationships with others that can foster personal growth and development. Finding a balance in relationships can be a challenge when you are not aware of the characteristics of a balanced relationship. Like Kaya, you may not get enough exposure to healthy relationship models throughout childhood, which can impact how you connect with others. Our Adolescent X study found that, interpersonally, young people receive a lot of messages about gender, gender differences, double standards, sex, stereotypes, and relationship expectations, and ways to construct their understanding of self as (cis)gendered. Young people learn about relationships from a multitude of sources: parents, friends, social media, celebrities, and society. In many ways families are microcosms of the social pressures and tensions that young people experience out in the world. In our research, young people described their families and relatives as sources of support, love, and care, as well as sources of pain, fear, and critique. Young people look to intergenerational relationships for information, guidance, and advice. However, young people also experience many mixed messages, inaccurate information, and competing voices when they try to incorporate all the messages they receive. According to psychologist Dr. Candice Norcott, we create internal representations of our caregivers in our lives. And, as we grow up, we recreate these relationship models. “We take these internal images and then we map them onto our experiences, the people that we have around us, such that in a lot of ways, unless we're aware of what these early representations and images are, we end up replicating what we've grown up with.” - Dr. Candice Norcott As Kaya begins forming a relationship that does not mirror the characteristics that she witnessed as a child, healthy friendships and relationships emerge. Below, we unpack the elements of a healthy relationship and introduce terms such as “interdependence” to describe balanced relationships and “codependency” to describe unbalanced relationships. With this language, young people can begin reimagining what their friendships and romantic relationships should feel like.
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Elements of a Healthy Relationship To learn more about the elements of healthy relationships, read this article by Molly Hutchison, Health Education Specialist, and Alyse Campbell, Gender and Violence Prevention & Education Coordinator, at John Hopkins University.
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Honesty: Communicating openly and truthfully Support: Supporting each other’s choices, understanding, encouraging, non-judgmental, valuing opinions Cooperation: Asking not expecting, accepting change, making decisions together, willing to compromise Trust: Accepting each other’s word, giving the benefit of the doubt
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Accountability: Admitting mistakes (or when wrong); accepting responsibility for behaviors, attitudes, and values Safety: Refusing to intimidate or manipulate, respecting physical space, expressing self non-violently Respect: Treating each other with consideration, grace, and understanding
Let’s break down a few of the terms identified above and explain how they can help facilitate healthy relationships. These guidelines were adapted from Conflict Transformation, an online resource that educates people about harm prevention and transformative justice. Boundaries are the foundation of all relationships. Why do people set boundaries? An infinite number of reasons, but here are some possibilities: ● A particular behavior causes anxiety, discomfort, or distress ● We simply don’t like something ● We have a history with a certain behavior and don’t want to fall into old patterns ● We need space/time alone ● We have triggers from past or ongoing trauma The best boundary is communicated to the person or people who need to hear it directly and privately, if personal. People can’t read our minds and aren’t always great with body language, so clear communication is the best way to have our needs met. While it can be hard to set boundaries at first, with practice it gets easier. You can send an email, a text, a voicemail, or sit down for coffee—whatever makes it easiest for you. Interdependence suggests that partners recognize and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic. In codependent relationships, there is a sense that one must help others achieve their goals before pursuing one’s own.
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Traits of an interdependent relationship include things like: ● Healthy boundaries ● Active listening ● Time for personal interests ● Clear communication ● Taking personal responsibility for behaviors ● Creating safety for each other to be vulnerable ● Engaging and responding to each other ● Healthy self-esteem ● Being open and approachable with each other
Traits of a codependent relationship include things like: ● Few/no boundaries ● People-pleasing behaviors ● Reactivity ● Unhealthy, ineffective communication ● Manipulation ● Difficulty with emotional intimacy ● Controlling behaviors ● Blaming each other ● Low self-esteem of one or both partners ● No personal interests or goals outside the relationship
Source: Jodi Clarke, MA, LPC/MHSP Read more about how to build an interdependent relationship here. (LINK)
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Conversation Starters Conversation Starters are prompts that aim to encourage deeper reflection about the topics discussed in each episode. These prompts help readers to get the ball rolling on contextualizing the stories from young people and insights from adult experts regarding consent. Readers can reflect alone or share them with family, friends, or classmates! ● ● ●
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What stories from the episode resonate most with you? Why? The episode begins with a powerful quote from social activist and writer, bell hooks: “To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.” What does it mean to you to “to love well”? This episode explores how the “strong Black woman” stereotype impacted how Kaya connected with others. How did the stereotype impact her? What other stereotypes do you witness impacting others you know? How do you see those stereotypes affect how they connect with others? Stereotypes and societal pressures rob people of the privilege to be multi-dimensional, as Kaya’s story illustrates about Black women. Are there ways you’ve felt stereotypes or societal expectations have limited your ability to be authentic and unapologetically you? How does code-switching, “the practice of alternating between two or more languages”, impact your ability to be authentic? Dr. Darnell Motley highlights that “partnership isn’t ownership, it is alignment.” That’s not the way many of us learned about romantic relationships. How does thinking about partnership as alignment shift your thinking about the relationships you have? Dr. Candice Norcott asks, “What would it be like if young people dated with the mentality that we're practicing? We're practicing being in relation with each other, so when we're doing this for real, it can be meaningful.” What do you think might be different, if young people got the opportunity to think of their relationships as a space to practice being in alignment with one another? Do you notice different ways you are compatible with people? What are the many different ways people can be compatible with one another?
Questions that started our own conversations To give readers a sense of how the Frankly. team framed this episode, here are the questions that prompted us into deeper reflection on consent, coercion, and bodily autonomy. We were able to construct a narrative arc in this episode with these driving questions. ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
Where do young people learn about relationships? What relationship dynamics and interpersonal behaviors have they observed in their homes/families, on social media, in their social groups, in TV/films/pop culture? How have these observations influenced their expectations and behaviors in relationships? What are parents and guardians doing right when talking about relationships with young people? What improvements can they make? What is a healthy relationship vs an unhealthy relationship? What are boundaries, and how do they impact relationships? How are young people cultivating a strong relationship with themselves and their friends?
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Resources + Links Here are some additional resources that expand on the themes introduced in episode two! You’re Sexiest When You’re Vulnerable (Video) | The Skin Deep. After 15 years together, married couple Ikeranda (she/her) and Josette (she/her) have learned that honesty, vulnerability, and openness are the keys to healing past trauma and developing a connection that’s profound -- and still growing. You’re My First Healthy Sexual Relationship, PT 1 (Video) | The Skin Deep. Ericka & Ebony, dating for 2 years, balance their open communication surrounding sexuality with their overwhelming love for one another. The Strong Black Woman Trope, Explained (Video) | The Take: In this video, The Take examines the history and meaning behind the Strong Black Woman trope and highlights the way Black women have been depicted in TV and Film. Black Girls Don’t Cry (Audio) | BBC Radio: Journalist Marverine Cole explores why some Black women in the UK are more prone to anxiety and depression. Aint I A Woman: Black Women and Feminism (Book) by bell hooks: Aint I a Woman examines the impact of sexism on Black women during slavery, the historic devaluation of Black womanhood, Black amle sexism, racism within the recent women’s movement, and Black women’s involvent with feminism. All about Love: New Visions (Book) by bell hooks: All About Love offers radical new ways to think about love by showing its interconnectedness in our private and public lives. Hooks explains how our everyday notions of what it means to give and receive love often fail us, and how these ideals are established in early childhood. Sula (Book) by Toni Morrison: Two girls who grow up to become women. Two friends who become something worse than enemies. In this brilliantly imagined novel, Toni Morrison tells the story of Nel Write and Sula Peace, who meet as children in the small town of Medallion, Ohio. Buy from Semicolon, a Black Woman-owned bookstore and gallery in Chicago! Also Check Out: How to Build a Relationship Based on Interdependence | VeryWellMind 12 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship (video) | Psych2Go What Are the 5 Love Languages? Everything You Need to Know | MindBodyGreen Learning How to Love Through Friendships | Scarleteen Healthy Relationships article by National Domestic Violence Hotline
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Production Team Melissa Gilliam Ireashia Bennett Kaya Thomas Alizha Vernon Valerie Reynolds Erisa Apantaku Liz Futrell Crystal Tyler Erin Garcia Soo-Young Lee Adriana Brodyn Melissa Sherwin
Creator, Ci3 Founder and Director Co-Host, Executive Producer, Audio Producer Co-Host, Ci3 Fellow, Producer Ci3 Fellow, Producer Senior Producer, Story Editor Story Editor, Podcast Consultant Project Manager, Producer Story Editor Story Editor Story Editor, Researcher Story Editor, Researcher Story Editor
Back Cover Frankly. is a podcast that explores the health and wellbeing of youth from the perspectives and lived experiences of young people on Chicago’s South and West sides. Co-produced by Chicago youth Kaya Thomas and Alizha Vernon and Ci3 at the University of Chicago, Frankly. is a seven-episode series that builds on the findings from Ci3’s Adolescent X Study, a research project that studies narrative methods to explore the messages that young people receive about their bodies, identities, and sexual health. Frankly. centers the voices of young people marginalized by race, gender, and/or sexual orientation as they navigate various social environments, develop their identities, and understand the world around them. Frankly aims to contextualize the stories of young people by examining the ways in which structural barriers and institutions impede on their health and wellbeing.
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The Frankly. podcast a Ci3 initiative. Ci3 is a research center at the University of Chicago, addressing the social and structural determinants of adolescent sexual and reproductive health. At Ci3, we envision a world in which all youth emerge into adulthood with agency over their bodies and futures. Ci3 is committed to empowering young people, conducting innovative research, and uncovering opportunities for policy and systemic change. For more information visit: ci3.uchicago.edu
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