Co Vol II: Freedom to Grow

November Events Alphabet Soup: LGBTQ+ Adult Support Group Every Tuesday from 6-8pm, Multicultural Center Ode to LGBTQ+ Veterans Art Display Roshek Building, Nov 7 - 11 Fall Chili & Open Mic Night 920 Main Dubuque, IA Nov 9th at 6pm LGBTQ+ All Ages Game Night Thursday Nov 10, 6-8pm, The Smokestack Co-zy Movie Night Wednesday Nov 16, 6:30-9pm, Inspire Cafe No place to go for Thanksgiving?

Monksgiving Nov 24th at Monks 6pm Dubuque, IA

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Co-ZINE is a monthly, online publication that CALL FOR WRITERS AND ARTISTS is published by Co Dubuque. The publication is on codbq.org. Anything published in Co-ZINE We consider submissions from is a reflection of the authors, not the views and members of the LGBTQ+ community and allies. policies of Co Dubuque and its staff. Any ad- • Articles vertisements involving products or services are • Personal Experiences not investigated by Co Dubuque. Co Dubuque • Opinion Pieces • Photography/Art does not claim responsibility for the products • Journalism • …and more! or services.

All material is copyrighted © 2016 Co Dubuque. All rights reserved.

Headquarters

Co Dubuque 1900 John F Kennedy Rd, Dubuque, IA 52002

President

Luis Morteo

Vice President Cindy Lewis

Photography LAW-Photo

Marketing

Luis Morteo Cindy Lewis

Graphic Design Luis Morteo Lawrence Jaime

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Submit to codubuque.cozine@ gmail.com Applicants will be notified December 2016.

Editor in Cheif

Volume 1 #1

Editor

Co Dubuque

Andrea Becker

Travis Nelson

Journalist

Leonard Ballosh Andrea Becker

Co Volunteers Andie Donnan Antonio Pirillo Darren Oakes Shane Norton Lenny Benhke Aaliah Fondell Indigo Channing

Contact Co

04. Freedom to Grow.

09. “Living For Them.”

14. In Defence of Safe Spaces.

15. PechaKucha.

19. Gay-Straight Alliance.

24. One Boys Journey to the Outside, Part 2

26. Far From Home Part 2 32. A Note

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Freedom to Grow

by Andie Donnan

Andie Donnan is a recent college graduate from Northeast Iowa Community College working as the On-site Manager of The Dubuque Farmers’ Market and recently finished work at Honey Hill Organic Farm in Potosi, WI. She is also employed at The Smokestack in Dubuque, IA as a cook and bartender.

Andie is currently enrolled in the Master Gardner’s Program and volunteers at the NICC School Garden as well as the Dubuque Rescue Mission. She has enjoyed gardening for four years so far, and it has led her to pursue working more closely with the farming and food industries.

Growing up, I was independent and very rebellious. I was raised by my single mother from the age of four. I spent time with my fa- thing I wanted to eat. Of course, I always chose ther every other weekend, but their household snack foods primarily loaded with fats and sugstructures were entirely different. Each of my ars. I often joke that Little Debbie was my stepparents gave me freedom of choice and mini- mom. mal guidance, so I primarily did as I pleased.

My mother was extremely depressed and Newly divorced, my parents both lived min- this personal struggle forced me to take on reimalist lives because neither was financially sponsibilities at a young age. It wasn’t until I stable. At an early age, I discovered the value was a teenager that I noticed my mother was of money: my mother’s grocery trips yielded developing symptoms of Huntington’s chorea. snacks, sweets, frozen dinners, and other junk This inherited disease causes a breakdown of food. My father allowed me to pick out any- nerve cells in the brain while loss of memory begins to occur. Around fifth grade I recall taking on nearly all the household responsibilities. I cooked for the two of us, did laundry, cleaned, got myself to school, and reminded my mother of our bills that needed to be paid. By thirteen, without a driving permit, my mother had me driving because her motor skills were declining. Regardless of my growing independence, I caused more harm than good at home.

Academically I excelled, but somehow I always managed to get into trouble. Trips to the principal’s office were common. I never really faced the consequences for causing problems at home. This lack of discipline and structure en04

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-abled me to act out with no repercussions. As I got older, these bad habits met with the law for the first time.

I was living on my own at seventeen and although I received a consistent paycheck and got all A’s in school, the rebellious side of me was still acting out. My first arrest happened the week before my eighteenth birthday. Being young, naive, and unable to learn from my mistakes, I continued to get in trouble with the law for the next five years. Struggling financially became the norm and the burden of being in trouble was mentally exhausting. On several occasions, I truly felt like I couldn’t get ahead. By the time I was 22, I had been arrested and incarcerated in three counties. A third DUI occurred and my fines were creeping toward $20,000. I moved away to the countryside of Sherrill, IA hoping to keep out of trouble and it worked. I remained in the country for three years and didn’t break a single law. It was lonesome at times, but I was able to focus on myself and that was far more beneficial than a social life. Dues for my probation officer, lawyer fee, fines, vehicle interlock system, and the alcohol monitoring device on my ankle totaled $800 a month. Thankfully I developed frugality at an early age... so I worked two jobs and saved all I could.

The long drive home, the long hours at both jobs each day, and the resistance to alcohol took a serious toll on my mental and physical health. I hit my last nerve about a year into wearing the alcohol monitoring device, so I approached my public defender for options on removing it. The deal: removal of the monitoring device and I serve 30 days in Jo Daviess County jail in exchange. During my stay, I began contemplating going to college while I read countless books from the jail’s library, from my friends and my grandmother. One evening I became en-

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tranced by a gardening book my grandmother had sent me away with and almost magically, a void was filled.

I never thought that gardening would create a new place in my life. It was a long thirty days, but I was enlightened to discover something new. I recall walking out on the morning of my release feeling free, hopeful, excited, yet scared. I hoped I would never have to submit myself to that experience again. There’s something to be said about individuals who are incarcerated often enough that they no longer have fear, or that have a sort of numbness to them. These institutionalized feelings create a population that remain in the cycle of court systems and the inability to get ahead. I have felt this way before, and I currently do. That morning of my release, I couldn’t continue to be okay with serving jail time because it was never for too long. What a horrible excuse.

With that in mind, I knew I had to make a fresh start.

I returned to Sherrill and did everything I could to regain normalcy. Within two weeks of my release, I registered for school at NICC and planted my first organic garden.

Once I overcame all the bullshit I was doing to myself, I was able to give into passion. By fully committing to my new hobby, a world of opportunity presented itself. I dabbled with canning and preserving and discovered the importance of eating organically. The best decisions I ever made were changing my diet and mentality. Fresh fruits and vegetables were not staples of my diet because I had been raised on such unhealthy food. Being open about changing my eating habits has allowed me to explore new food and the desire to grow nearly everything. The next spring I landed an amazing job as the Deli Manager at the newly established Dubuque Food Co-op. My love and experience with food, organics, and going to school for business enabled this new opportunity for work.

Soon after, my third DUI appeal came to a close (I lost the initial case two years prior). My optimism faded, and I had to serve yet again. This time, I was required to complete the program at the Dubuque residential facility. This program was a year long with four levels. Essentially, I had to stay for a duration of time to advance to a new level that would allow me to leave the facility, known as a furlough. Work and school were allowed while countless hours in the building were unavoidable. Ninety-six days later, I was out of the facility on the extended leave furlough program. That meant I no longer had to reside in the building, but I had to keep a steady job and a roof over my head. I had a nine o’clock curfew, a house phone, and needed permission when leaving the county.

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One year after stepping foot into the residential facility, I was officially no longer a resident and completely on my own. Another major accomplishment happened that year: I helped launch a school garden at NICC. So the whole growing food idea expanded and I fantasized about operating my own small farm. I formed relationships with farmers and many like-minded individuals while working at the Dubuque Food Co-op. The need to learn how food grows efficiently and on a larger scale beckoned me.

Again, I decided it was time for a change. Once I graduated, I quit my full time job and began working at Honey Hill Organic Farm and at the Dubuque Farmers’ Market as the On-site Manager. Working outside every day and basking in the sun is wonderful, but it doesn’t come without hard work. I gained a lot of experience working at Honey Hill and I realized there is always more work to be done and far more to learn, which I find incredibly exciting. The farmers’ market has been an opportunity to understand how people sell their products, how their farms are set up, how they succeed or struggle, and ask questions that the internet or a book can’t answer.

Cooking and gardening have become my escape. So many young people don’t have a focus and I was guilty of being one of them. I find that by admitting our faults and challenges, it becomes easier to overcome them. We then have the opportunity to allow amazing alternatives into our lives. Nothing is perfect: no one person, plant, or animal. Educating ourselves and having new experiences is essential. I hope to always feel the way I do when I’m in a kitchen or working outside.

I love when my garden takes bloom and I’m able to feed myself and others. It’s the feeling of fulfillment. Growing food has become a strong value and staple in my life.

Whether it’s in a backyard, at a school, or on a farm, I know I want to produce food for others. Sharing food with others is important because a connection is made between grower and consumer. The comfortability and trust that results allows a relationship to form. I hope to gain enough experience over time so that one day I’m comfortable enough to manage and finance my own small operation.

All my experiences, good and bad, have helped shape and change my character for the better. Without them, I would have never learned how to be mentally strong or how to push forward with positive momentum. If growing food continues to give me a focus and keeps me off the radar, I’ll never stop doing it.

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TRANSGENDER D AY O F

REMEMBERANCE

NOVEMBER 20th

“Living For Them.”

by Ora Uzel For the second issue of Co-ZINE, I was asked to write about Transgender Day of Remembrance (November 20th). Transgender Day of Remembrance is a date when the community gathers to remember those lost in the last year, whether to murder or to suicide. While murders generally get more publicity and attention than suicide, suicides should not be dismissed. 41% of transgender people succeed at suicide, with higher numbers having attempted. These are our siblings. Regardless of how they pass, the loss in the community is always too much.

This day reminds me of my first days understanding that people are willing to kill over this. I remember reading the lists of causes of death of murdered transgender people. I remember watching Boys Don’t Cry, eventually curled up in a ball by the end of the film, unable to walk home alone. I recall fear of my peers on campus in college; the hushed jibes the guys in my dorm thought I couldn’t hear; the dead chicken in our suite tub; planning the fastest route to my dorm from the concert I performed in and wore a skirt… Fear can grip us, control us, and drive us. It’s all-consuming and prevents us from living our lives to the fullest.

I have a diary that I carry around with me in my purse. It rarely sees the light of day, but inside is a picture of Gwen Araujo. She was a beautiful young woman about my age at the time. She was murdered for being trans. In the photo, she is holding her nephew. It’s always reminded me of the Madonna and Child icons. To me, her picture functions somewhat like an icon, a religious work of art that holds special significance.

Gwen is someone who didn’t make it. She did not survive; yet here I am.

I remain. I’ve seen darkness too: all the fear of undergrad, the dark figure that followed me one night in Chicago, the men I wondered might kill me if we got into a relationship, and most prosaically, all those years of suicidal thoughts. In such moments I would ask myself, “Why? Why did she go and I remain?”

For me, she represents all the life I have to live for her, since she cannot.

For each transgender person who has died prematurely, whether murdered or lost to suicide, we live for them, each of them, making the most of our days because they could not.

While it is with heavy hearts that we remember these losses in the transgender community, I like to remember Gwen in this photo and think of all the life she might have lived that I can make up for her. Sometimes I’m still taking one day at a time – or even one hour or minute at a time – but I remain… for her. And that gives me hope for all of us who are living each day for the ones who didn’t make it.

Here’s to the ones who didn’t make it. Let’s be amazing for them.

Blessings, Ora Uzel

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QUOTE OF THE MONTH “If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you can leave at every meeting with another person.�

-Fred Rogers

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In Defense of Safe Spaces

by Nino Erba Safe spaces on college campuses have become almost dirty words in public discourse, garnering disapproval from people ranging from conservative columnist George Will to Slate contributor Dahlia Lithwick and Atlantic writer Conor Friedersdorf. This view isn’t shared by everyone; Morton Schapiro, president of Northwestern University, wrote an op-ed in defense of safe spaces that can be found on the Oregonian website. However, allow me to share a more personal reason why safe spaces are necessary and unjustly maligned.

It was the fall of 2011. I was a senior in high school, and I had gone away from school for a week for some testing at UW-Stout in relation to my autism. In between tests, including some measuring my ability to type, I was free to do activities on my own. One of these was safe space training. By that time, I was a mess. I had become fully comfortable with my own sexuality by then, but my main support group (my family and my special education counselor) advised I should stay in the closet. I lived in the Northwoods of Wisconsin, where the nearest town had a population of 375. However, the lesson I took from those coming-of-age years was one I remember to this day: It doesn’t matter where you live, everyone deserves to live the way they want. If that includes being out, so be it.

Their main concern was my safety, and in a rural, conservative area, that seemed reasonable. I needed a way out, and being a college student was just that escape. I feel that I’m in a much better place than I was in Wisconsin. However, the rifts from those years remain, and I don’t think that the kind of relationship I had with my parents can be fully restored. Maybe we will reach a point where we can reconcile what happened, and we’ve made some progress on that front. There are still contentions that I won’t share out of respect for privacy. Should I ever become a parent, I’m making a promise to myself to never handle the situation of my child’s sexuality the way that my parents did.

This brings me back to UW-Stout. The safe space training I attended was led by students who shared their experiences, and those of us in the room took part in different activities to train ourselves. In the end, we got certification for safe spaces, and I still have the magnet that declares this is a safe space to be. In a sense, perhaps the training is geared more toward straight people and professionals. For example, if you walk past the offices of some Loras professors, you will find the safe space moniker brandished on their doors. For me, it was a revelation. For someone whose isolation prevented him from experiencing healthy exploration and growth, safe spaces were necessary.

That’s one reason why safe spaces need to continue existing. LGBT kids might live in an environment where they can’t express themselves or do so in an unhealthy manner. Dubuque is a small city, with less than 60,000 people.

The gay community was scattered when I arrived as a college student, and is much more connected today, thanks in part to people like Indigo Channing and Luis Morteo, as well as organizations like Co. Still, even in the beginning, Dubuque had venues that were much better than anything I had experienced before. Living in the Milwaukee area sporadically wasn’t the greatest, though after my freshman year, I met who would become one of my best friends at that year’s Pridefest.

One of the CDC’s current resources is a series of articles about the benefits and detriment of coming out, and theycite studies that show benefits for LGB people specifically (it’s strange that they didn’t cite articles regarding transgender students) when schools have structures in place such as gay-straight alliances and anti-homophobia policies.

I wouldn’t be the person I was today if I didn’t have the kind of support and ability to live as an out gay man, and that is something that needs to happen because, as a society, we’re still not completely at ease with LGBT integration. Earlier this month, a transgender woman was murdered in Ohio, making this the 23rd such case this year.

Also, two years ago in Philadelphia, a gay couple was brutally beaten in a case that got widespread attention. And lest we forget, the worst attack on our community in our nation’s history happened this June in Orlando. This is the situation we’re still dealing with, and will continue to deal with it until things get better.

For me, it did. I’m incredibly glad that I’m now able to live on my own and live the life I want to lead. Living in northern Wisconsin as someone forced to stay in the closet was one of the worst experiences I’ve had to endure, and I wish that on nobody. The relationship between me and my parents is compromised but improving. However, I know some friends whose relationships with family members have grown negative and even harmful because of their sexuality or gender identity. Safe spaces may inspire a lot of naysayers, like those mentioned above, but for LGBT students, they can be an invaluable resource. Never forget that.

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by Andrea Helgager

One of my favorite conversation starters lately is, “When’s the next… Puh… Peecha… Pikachu?” PechaKucha (pronounced something like, pay-chaw-kuh-chaw) means “chit-chat” in Japanese, and is an international story sharing event series that started in Tokyo, Japan in 2003. Originally designed by Astrid Klein and Mark Dytham of Klein Dytham Architecture, PechaKucha started when a group of architects who wanted to network and share their creative ideas were given the time and space to do so at Klein’s and Dytham’s gallery/bar. The group quickly realized however, that architects (like many creative people) can talk a LOT, so a new format was needed in order to allow for multiple people to share their projects in one night.

Power point caused the same problem, and so PechaKucha 20x20 was born, wherein presenters must share their creative ideas with only 20 photos and 20 seconds of time allotted per photo.

Since its organic beginnings, the PechaKucha 20x20 format has spread all over the world, with currently over 900 cities around the globe hosting a PKN series. So, while difficult to pronounce, it’s a simple concept. PechaKucha Nights Dubuque are informal, social gatherings where 8-12 presenters share their passions, ideas, projects, experiences, thoughts, holiday snapshots—just about anything, in the PechaKucha 20x20 format. There are some guidelines though: no selling of programs/ projects/ goods, no proselytization, no politics, and no divisive issues. So far, we have had almost 60 presenters share their stories, and between 80-180 audience members at each of our 6 events.

We have something especially unique in Dubuque as compared to other cities hosting PKN. Our visits to Madison and Des Moines filled us with excitement to start the event here, because we knew Dubuque was ripe for something so deeply community building. We’re at an exciting point in our growth and size as a city—there is space, and a thirst, to create and innovate.

You don’t have that same opportunity in bigger cities, where there’s often a fight to get noticed.

Drew Noll, one of our PKN organizers describes it like this, “Dubuque is a like petri dish; a lot of other cities in Iowa have things like sports teams. We don’t have something that really binds us together like that. People are hungry for it.”

The location of the event is moved in order to attract different crowds. We love being able to support local businesses, who benefit from the fact that about half of our audience members are visiting their establishment for the first time. Maintaining an informal, chit-chatting overa-beer sort of feeling is important to us, and our locations foster this environment. We’ve hosted at Inspire Café, The Smokestack, The Dubuque Museum of Art, StoneCliff Winery, and in January we’ll be at Steeple Square. We host the events downtown for accessibility, and simply because we believe downtown Dubuque is a gem.

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Anyone can present at PechaKucha. Unlike Ted Talks, which we’re often likened to by people who’ve never been to a PKN, PechaKucha is bottom-up, rather than top-down. You don’t need to be the “expert” to present. As organizers, we strive to curate presenters who can share an eclectic variety of stories, and we especially love when the unexpected happens—when an unexpected story or talent is exposed on stage. In one lineup, we watched 9 year old Emma Cuzas nail her presentation about her experiences at camp. Shantae Richard shared a brilliantly comedic presentation about her siblings. Becca Kacanda detailed her process and inspiration for creating eclectic grotto art installations. Willie Slayden offered a direct and painful piece of history from the African American experience. We’ve had a cruise ship musician, a forager, a car mechanic, a mom, a writer. The speakers represent us, collective Dubuque, from downtown to west end, and we have some really incredible stories.

Vulnerability is required to present a truly powerful PechaKucha. Brynn McDonnell shared an incredibly vulnerable and perhaps heroic story about her experience with depression and a suicide attempt. She says of the experience, “Being able to share a story while listening to the stories of others allowed me the opportunity to become closer to friends, and even people I’ve never met before. Everyone wants to have their voice to be heard.” Audience members end up with lot of responsibility in holding space. Presenters gently request the active participation from their audience, and engage them on a level beyond what you would normally expect at a presentation-style event. Becca, who presented at Volume 1, says, “Presenting at PKN made me nervous at first, but once I got up there I had a lot of fun. The fast pace makes it hard for you to be boring, so it takes some pressure off.” We can’t just sit there without feeling, without empathizing. When the presenter is nervous, so is the audience, and so we literally cheer them on. In laughter, in screwing up, in all of it, the audience supports without judgment, and with genuine curiosity. What a gift.

Presenters may not have their PhD in whatever topic they choose to present, but then again, maybe some do. Presenters who might be viewed as stereotypically “successful” in their day job, often choose not to present on their “expert” topic. Take for example, Julia Theisen, who has over three decades of experience in the healing arts, and is owner/founder of several successful local businesses. She could have presented as the “expert” on so many topics, but she chose instead to tell the engaging and hilarious story of her experience moving to Dubuque from England. Her charming encounters with dialect misunderstandings, snow complications, and her eventual citizenship, made her story deeply personal and relatable.

Becca further describes PKN as “an amazing way for people in the community to share their passions and stories in an informal, yet challenging way, but it’s also really empowering and such a great tool for making friends and feeling connected.” As audience members, we begin to feel more like a group of friends sitting together over dinner, laughing and crying as we share and listen to one another’s lives. We feel connected. We want to know more. And that’s our hope—that these stories will inspire the audience to connect, with the presenters, and with each other.

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All proceeds go to LGBTQ+ youth and all-ages events, activities and educational workshops.

“I’m Ruining my Own Life” by Local Dubuquer Gwen Werner is a queer writer in Dubuque.

She’s probably made you a latte or poured you a whiskey. Her new book, I’m Ruining My Own Life (Passenger Side Books), is a chapbook of six short essays about mental illness and mental thrillness, growing up indoctrinated and female and learning how to tie the room together, assuming one side of the room is Jesus and the other is blowjobs.

Her essays are equal parts funny and sad, powerful and energetic, but most importantly, Gwen’s essays articulate how it feels to hold hands with your anxiety and stare your trauma in the face.

You can find Gwen at www.gwenwerner.com.

You’ll find published online essays, short stories, and poems, including a few excerpts from I’m Ruining My Own Life. If you’re really brave, you can follow her on twitter @gabetwee.

Here’s what others have said about Gwen and her work: “Werner’s book offers the precision of smart craft with the wildness of heart.

In I’m Ruining My Own Life, you find masturbation, religion and social justice alongside reveries and grand delusions — stories that are both accessible and introspective, leaving you like feeling like you’d visited that long-time friend who always challenges you to be better, to think harder, damnit, and to fucking love yourself already. This is a must-have for any young person torn apart by both the world around and those dangerous inner worlds we create for ourselves.”

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– Lisa Marie Basile, author of APOCRYPHAL “Gwen Werner’s I’m Ruining My Own Life ruined my life. Just kidding, it did the opposite and bettered it. At times startling in it’s frankness and other times heart touching in it’s poignance, Werner’s prose is intelligent, propulsive, and full of dark savvy humor. Her voice is effective and warm, and watching her explore religion, anxiety, intimacy, sex and disappointment is most comforting. Read this book and feel less alone immediately. It’s like a glass of wine in word form. I chugged it in one sitting.”

- Chloe Caldwell, author of Women and I’ll Tell You in Person “I am a little in love with Gwen. Reading her work cuts something in me and it feels good. There is a palpable vulnerability that draws me in. There is a deceptive gentleness in this book, there language is so lovely and sweet without saccharine or sap. What’s exquisite about Gwen’s work is that sweetness has a sharp back bite. Getting deeper in, the essays and book are naked and honest. This is the type of work that makes me want to know the person, I want to know the girl Gwen was and the woman she is now beyond the page. I am a little in love with Gwen because she hurt me as a reader and made me laugh while never pandering to my expectations of what the narrative should be and I love that.”

- Shannon Barber, author of Self-Care Like a Boss

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What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say? ARIES (MAR 21—APR 19) I am Aries, hear me bahhh and bleeeat!... Okay, So you just want to be heard. If you just say what you mean, things will be much easier for you.

LIBRA (SEPT 23—OCT 22) How long can you keep waiting?

It’s like a surprise party… you can’t jump the gun, or you’ll ruin the surprise. It’s definitely worth the wait.

TAURUS (APR 20—MAY 20) CHARGE! You’ve crossed a finish line. The race is over, but another will come. Don’t get complacent.

SCORPIO (OCT 23—NOV 21) Be bold, stay proud and choose happiness. You want this, you got this. Make it happen, because you already know how. It is your season after all.

GEMINI (MAY 21—JUN 20) Me… Me… me, me, me, me…

Why do I feel so alone? Oh, I’m really not? People say they’re here for me, though I don’t agree. Gemini, you are not alone.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22—DEC 21) People love you, but do you love people? Some are really there for you, but are you there for them, or an outcome?

CANCER (JUN 21—JUL 22) Getting brave. You’re half way out of your shell. Now put that first toe out in the sand. You’ll like it... when people are not surrounding you.

CAPRICORN (DEC 22—JAN 19) Keep it together and ask for help. Listen, and don’t just ask for the sake of asking. You hear yourself after you listen.

LEO (JUL—AUG 22) Maybe you can put that fiery heart to more good use and show a loved one that you appreciate them.

It’s better for bravado when it’s a good deed from the heart.

AQUARIUS (JAN 20—FEB 18) HOLD STRONG AND KEEP GOING! It’s all more than, worth the potential future you’re making an actual.

VIRGO (AUG 23—SEPT 22) Who knows? Maybe all that bad juju really has a reason. If you acknowledge that your choices make a difference, it could change your perspective and bring better things your way…

PISCES (FEB 19—MAR 20) You know that certain people aren’t always the best influences, but you like them. Just don’t let lies persuade you from truth. Be true to what you believe. The cause is more important than the lies.

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Gay-Straight Alliance NORTHWESTERN ILLINOIS GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE (NW-IL GSA) The NW-IL GSA serves high school students in JoDaviess and Carroll Counties in Illinois.

We meet the first and third Thursdays of each month from 7-8:30 pm at the CTE Academy in Elizabeth, Illinois. Each meeting has free food and a theme. Please contact Emily Stier at ekstier@gmail.com for further information or visit our Facebook page. We are currently seeking donations for our LGBTQ+ resource library as well as painting supplies to redecorate our meeting space.

DOYLE CENTER FOR GENDER AND SEXUALITY (UW-PLATTEVILLE) The mission of the Patricia A. Doyle Center for Gender and Sexuality is to provide a supportive, equitable, and safe environment for all persons on campus in relation to gender and sexuality. The Doyle Center offers resources, information, and programming on issues and challenges facing women and the LGBTQ+ community. The Doyle Center, located in 136 Warner Hall, houses meeting and seminar space, computer access, a lactation space for nursing mothers, as well as referral and programming information. We are open Monday – Friday from 8:00 am to 4:30 pm. Please visit our Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and website for further information. You can also call us at 1-608-342-1453 or email us at doylecenter@uwplatt.edu.

THE ALLIANCE (UW-PLATTEVILLE) The Alliance provides a forum for discussion of relevant political issues, social activities, support, and education for and about LGBTQ+ and ally folks. We work to promote understanding and acceptance in the UWP community, the city of Platteville, southwest Wisconsin, and beyond. The Alliance is open to all individuals who wish to support, create understanding, and contribute ideas to the LGBTQ+ community! The Alliance meets on Thursday evenings at 6 pm at the Doyle Center in Warner Hall 136. If you are interested in joining The Alliance or would like more information, please email us at uwpalliance@ gmail.com.

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One Boy’s Journey to the Outside

by Anonymous (author has chosen to not identify) In starting this story, I failed to take the advice I give every writing student: Know where you are going to end before you begin. Continuing, I found it first necessary to more clearly define my purpose. In so doing, I first realized that this is not an autobiography. My goal here, rather than to reveal the events of my life, is to give readers an understanding of gender dysphoria (the conflict between the gender identity in one’s brain and physical sex characteristics that result in an individual’s defined gender role – boy/girl/man/woman) in hopes that this will make more aware, competent, and sensitive advocates of authorities, educators, families, friends, medical and mental health providers, and partners.

To that end, we must start at the beginning: the color of the blanket. Sorting and separating boys from girls from the first moment of birth – a system that works the vast majority of the time – fails for infants whose gender identity (one’s sense of being female or male, programmed into the brain) and physical sex (visible reproductive organs), are out of sync.

Gender identity and physical sex align most of the time, and the matching gender role (boy/girl) is correctly assigned. A blue or pink blanket is wrapped tightly around the tiny human.

Life goes on, and the individual encounters whatever challenges they will. They deal with divorced parents, other physical or medical challenges, bullies, alternative sexual orientation, or any other of the struggles humans in the modern world encounter. Add to any of these challenges a child already confused by the age of two or three about the conflict between gender identity and gender role, and the equation multiplies in complexity and difficulty, especially because no one has any clue about the invisible and insidious force of gender dysphoria set off when the blanket is really the wrong color. The child enters a life of constant conflict. S/he is a soul in turmoil, and no one notices.

It is that concept, gender dysphoria, that causes the emotional conflict and resulting emotional turmoil of the transgendered child, and it is that concept which also makes it so difficult for CIS (non-transgendered) individuals to comprehend the transgendered person’s experience. A thought that illuminated the pain of my own childhood, hiding in the recesses of my mind, may shed similar light for others. I realized one day that, although I did not suffer physical abuse, no one bullied or (purposefully) shamed me, I never went hungry, always had shelter, was properly educated, and had a relatively supportive family, what I experienced equated with putting a boy in dresses and forcing him to use the girls’ bathroom.

A man recently told me that he still sees himself as the same awkward boy he was thirty years ago and that he struggles to escape that image of himself. Imagine yourself as a man looking back, and the image you connect to is an awkward female child. When I look back, before the age of twenty-six, my imagination conjures the image of a significantly confused, frustrated, and self-loathing female child. There is no boyhood to remember, no father-son relationship to recall.

Instead of Boy Scouts and Little League baseball, Girl Scouts and many awkward attempts to engage in sports haunt that trip down Memory Lane.

I cannot change the pain of my past. No one can, but awareness is the beginning of change. That awareness must spread out into common culture, the under-educated masses, and those with little or no experience with any alternative gender reality. Although it was 1965, one of my sisters, because she knew someone with a hermaphrodite baby, got a slight peek at the real gender spectrum, the continuum that opposes the black and white version of gender still serving as the primary model. When she tried to open that door, however, looking at me and saying to my mother, “‘She’ should have been a boy,” my mother slammed the door shut on that idea, with her forceful reply, “Don’t you EVER say that again!”

She saw no option. Her job was to turn this boyish female toddler into a woman. We know better now and can bring about the needed shift in perspective with information, shared at the right time, in a positive way, challenging worldviews and opening eyes. We can also make the road easier with sensitivity. Don’t walk on eggshells; that just makes a mess of the floor. Rather, pay attention. Someone clearly born as a male but wearing make-up and a dress should be addressed with female pronouns (she/her). Many trans people willingly share when respectfully asked.

Ignorance is bliss, but only for the ignorant. Look for opportunities to shine light into the dark minds of those who fail to understand. Take the time to learn more about the role gender plays in the human world. Teach children tolerance.

Talk about the gender continuum with confidence. Be brave.

To get started, read this: www.transequality.org/issues/resources/frequently-asked-questions-about-transgender-people.

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PART 2

PART II. Here, we meet Albina, answering the same question. Albina is a progressive thinker and an avid learner. She was born in the USSR and has had many unique life experiences as a result. She is head of the foreign languages department and professor of English at a university. She is sixty years old. I asked her many of the same questions as Alyona and Mariya – they know each other, but the interviews were not conducted at the same time. I asked Albina to tell us about herself, and later.

Albina: I enjoy listening to people who I can learn from. I enjoy meeting people I share values with. My children are my friends and I am the happiest mother - time spent with my children is the best, I think, and the most cherished. I love poetry and books… I love people, the so-called intelligencia. It is a Russian phenomenon. You don’t have it, I think [in the West].

There are not many of them in the society, but it is great to read and listen, and very seldom, but meet and talk with such people. Oh, and I forgot to tell you that I have a few friends that I have been friends with for a very long time. One of them for 55 years, with another for 40 years, with another for more than 20. And we are all very close to each other. We live in different countries, but when we meet it’s always joy. And when we talk, when we face challenges of any kind and we talk and try to support each other, which gives you always a very good feeling.

What defines me as a woman? Being a mother. This is what defines me because I haven’t had even half an equally great experience being a woman and a mother than just being a woman. I am a teacher and I started teaching when I graduated from university. And I was 22 at that time. And within the first two or three years of my work, my first work as a young university professor, I got more than twenty five wedding proposals, so(laughing) since then I have always had this respect and love and interest from the opposite sex. Even now, when I am 60, I know that I am admired by men who are rather clever and well-educated and well-cultured, but I haven’t had the opportunity to have a relationship experience, you see, if I am exact in expressing my attitude towards being a woman… I mean the sex relationship with the man. I am married and I got married twice. I married one man I divorced, and then I married him again.

I had the children I am very happy, but it is difficult to call my marriage a happy one. I have other concerns in my life, for example to help my children, to support them psychologically, financially, in any way, for them to find their best paths in life and to be happy to have the opportunity of traveling, to see a lot of new places, to have this financial freedom, I have to work very hard to have it to some extent. I am very optimistic and I am very active and quick in all my endeavors. Every weekend I have to travel [several hours back] to my hometown to stay with my mother, but I do it in a very appreciative way. I would love to start dancing and practicing more French. Maybe I have an adventurous mind, but I like it.

Describe your idea of femininity.

Alyona: I also see this as a trick question. People assume that a woman should take care of men, they expect that women owe them something, that women should caress them, wear dresses, be soft and reserved. That is one understanding of a feminine woman.

There is also the “Turgenev girl” we learned about in school, and we all have the vision of how she might have looked. She is much like a muse, and in a way, my idea of femininity is like that, because it was taught to me from childhood. I think this idea exists in every individual born and raised in Russia. It is depicted in literature and in our society that this is what’s expected of women. It’s a character trait more than a an aesthetic one – you can wear jeans and still be feminine; you can wear a dress and be like a гопник (gopnik) – more or less uneducated, a thug.

Alexander: Despite the social baggage, and the ideas of society, what defines you as a woman? It is your biology?

Alyona: Well, maybe not that alone. In Russia it is considered, for some reason, that a woman owes a man something. She must care for him. She has to take care of the household and work outside her home and come back tired, still carrying everything on her shoulders.

In European countries, when a woman does all of that, she doesn’t receive a response like, “Shut up and make me borsch!” In those places, she can say, “Hey, we have equal rights!” In Russia you could also do that, but nevertheless it is looked down upon rather than embraced. A woman can pursue many things – she can carry the whole family by herself, including her husband, her children and her parents. It’s rarer to encounter a mother [than a father] abandoning a child with a disability. I think it’s more of a male trait.

For instance, a man can easily abandon his family and create a new one. I am not saying there are no good fathers – there are plenty of fathers raising their children alone, but statistically… a woman who changes partners frequently is considered to be a prostitute. Men who frequently change women are respected and are cool. That is very hard for me to understand.

I heard an idiom about it: a key that is suitable for any lock is a masterful key, but a lock that suits as many keys is a shameful lock. In reality, a person who sleeps with everyone, no matter what their sex or gender is, isn’t acting very well. I am not in a position to judge, but a person is either pure and chaste or they are a whore. I have lost my train of thought again… I think that nature has some impact on women, making them more emotionally attached to their children, more attached to people who are dear to them, whether or not they are relatives. But on the other hand, there are also sentimental men, so really it is a question of upbringing.

Albina: I am not radical and I have never been. I am not a revolutionary and I have never been. My ideas and my views and policies maybe were of maximalist type when I was very young, but now I realize that my idea of femininity is…a woman…the opportunities for every woman to realize her personality and her potential fully, in her profession, in her occupation first, and then to be able to find her role as a wife and the mother. So first her personality and the family, and being able to raise a family. So in combination with the personality development being a priority. Because it will have always an impact on her family. Because I do know a lot of women who are perfect wives, perfect mothers and who devote themselves. I used to know more because it used to be more, not popular, but more evident, more spread this idea of a woman being first a wife and a mother and then having a profession and realizing herself in the professional area, but you see, with men, they can always…so having lived for 25, even 30 years with a devoted wife and mother of the children, they can easily find new inspiration in younger women, you see. So that’s why being a personality for a woman means being more attractive as a woman, you see.

Andrea: Do you think there are many specific ways that a woman should behave or present herself?

Albina: Yes, she should also stick to her ideas and her principles. There should be some principles and priorities, which should always be number one, no matter how important her family is for her, you see. Of course, I am sure that such things as honor, dignity are the first priorities and after that come all others. So I think that if a woman grows as a personality and no matter 28

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how important her family is for her, you see. Of course, I am sure that such things as honor, dignity are the first priorities and after that come all others. So I think that if a woman grows as a personality and no matter how old she is and she has her interest and her life has its vibrancy apart from her maternal responsibilities and responsibilities of her as a spouse. This is very important. She should have her hobbies, interests, targets, and inspirations. There should always be motivation and inspiration. When she feels the vibrancy of life and then she shares it, for example, speaking about myself – I feel it and I share it with my children. And as well as their success and results they achieve, their achievements of any kind are inspirational for me that make me feel more energy.

This is what brings energy.

Alexander: Do you think that women are more emotionally attached and gentler, as a biological trait, or do you think it is mainly a factor of socialization?

Alyona: If I had my own child, I could give you a one-hundred percent answer. But because I haven’t had that experience, I can’t give you a concrete answer. My mom told me that in life she never felt like she had a maternal instinct. She never wanted to be married. She said, “Oh, damn men. I’ll never be married, not me.” But then she got married, and for a while they didn’t have any children; they traveled and enjoyed life…

Eventually mom got pregnant and thought, “I’ll make a horrible mother! I don’t want children, I don’t love children; I don’t want, I don’t want, I don’t want them!” When my brother was born, that was it – her roof was unscrewed. She lost her mind. She would have killed anyone for the sake of her child. Quite possibly, she operated on an instinctual level. On the other hand, there are still mothers who abandon their children. They couldn’t care less about instincts.

Mariya: But it’s a very small percentage of women who abandon their children. By the way, this phenomenon also exists in the animal world. I think if a woman does not have this instinctual, inner love and care for children, then no socialization could change her.

Something that begins to strike me about our conversation is how sharp the gender dichotomy seems to be. The line between the two is stark and well-defined, despite sexuality, and wholly regarding biological sex. In the United States, that wonderful and not-so-mysterious gray area is better understood every day. Alyona and Mariya are very unconventional by Russian standards, yet even to members of the Russian LGBTQ community, it appears that the issue is black and white.

In your experiences at school, at work, and at home, are all sexes and genders generally treated with fairness and equality?

Alyona: No, because for instance, I spend a lot of my time in creative spaces and there, specifically, it feels horrible. There is an absolutely unequal relationship between and treatment of women and men.

Alexander: What do you mean by creative spaces?

Alyona: Theatre, studio, theatre club at school, music studio… in these creative institutions, there are less men (and generally in Russia there are less men than women), but there you can feel it at its fullest intensity. For instance, when I would go to a theatrical studio, there would be twenty women and five men. Of course the men received all the attention. And when I studied on the faculty of philology, I had only one male colleague. He was the czar. The women were all over him, and it wasn’t because he was wonderful – he just didn’t have any competition. Sadly this is a frequent occurrence.

For example, when there is a competition-based admission to a theatrical university… I applied to Rimsky-Korsakov (Saint Petersburg State Conservatory). I wanted to pursue singing there. Mostly women auditioned and they just weren’t getting accepted. They accepted men who couldn’t play or sing – they brought their guitars and strummed two chords, and sang badly. They were accepted simply because there were less men in the program. It was very hurtful because there were so many girls – not even like me, who taught myself – but there were girls who finished musical schools and colleges…

I cannot draw conclusions, but I begin to wonder how often gender is perceived as fluid, or occurring on a spectrum in Russian society. Because some laws in Russia, even recently passed ones, target the LGBTQ community specifically, there is restricted freedom of expression. In some ways, we face the same issues in two societies – for instance, the stigma and difficulty of coming out. Though it can still be dangerous sometimes, there is much greater freedom of expression here.

I traveled to Russia and something I observed then and now is that many Russians still cling dearly to traditional ideas. What Mariya says to Alyona next surprises me, and I directly recall a fact from a Women’s Studies class in college: women are prescribed mood-altering medications more than twice as often as men when describing the same symptoms. Why are women perceived as volatile more than twice as often as men? How is it possible, I wonder, that even non-traditional women like Mariya can hold so steadfastly on to such ideals?

Mariya: This very well could be due to the emotional behavior of women. I noticed that all the men who work in the court are calmer, while women dominate and humiliate.

Alyona: In elementary school, I didn’t feel any differences based on gender. In ninth grade, I changed schools and the main question there was your financial status. The first questions that my new classmates asked me was “What are your parents’ occupations?” I asked them why [they cared about that], but told them anyway. [One affluent classmate] responded, “Huh, okay,” walked away, [and didn’t speak to me again]… I later discovered his father worked for an oil corporation. Everyone was very proud of their financial position. Kids formed cliques.

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In that second school, I became very uncomfortable. Every second boy came up to me and it was fine for him to say, “Oh, look at those tits, can I squeeze them?” (laughing) Once, I scratched a boy so hard that he still has scars on his hands. In my first school, I didn’t have those kinds of experiences.

Mariya: Maybe this didn’t happen in the first school because that behavior occurs only after a certain age?

Alyona: No, I just think that people in my first school were simpler, and in the second school they were all these “ideal” men that the girls were supposed to dream about… I also want to add that girls always annoyed me because if there was an attractive guy in class who said something stupid, they would look at him wide eyed and laugh – they always annoyed me, and I would have a hard time associating with them. Maybe I viewed myself as superior to the boys, in a way. Even in theatrical school I viewed all the guys as competition. I didn’t see in them an object of admiration. I thought, “You bitch, I can do better than you!” (laughing) Maybe that’s bad because it has often made my life more difficult. Maybe it’s just a character trait, but…

When asked whether women have been treated fairly in her experience, Albina’s response was ambiguous... but she does believe that women in this century have some advantages over women born in her own generation. Despite relative equality in her personal experience, Albina acknowledges that for many, discrimination was stonger in the past.

Albina: A woman in the 21st century takes a lot of things for granted because it is difficult for her to imagine that there was discrimination. The difference between sexes, the gender problem…there is less and less. A woman of the 21st century, I am absolutely sure, has to have certain character traits only men had in the 20th century. They should be logical. They should be pragmatic. And with men, women in the 21st century are more equal partners than they used to be. Now, both of them are partners and no one, you see, owes anything to another one. So if you are partners, you live together, you start your family together, you do it equally. It is more like a teamwork with equal roles.

Alexander: But in your personal experiences, are men and women treated more or less equally? Like in your workplace?

Abina: What do you mean by my personal experience? In my personal experience, I am a man and a woman in one person, you see? I am brave and courageous like a man should be, and I can settle a lot of problems: professional and otherwise.

In the next issue of Co-ZINE, we will learn more about Albina’s life in the USSR, and how Russian life was differnet in those years. We will explore having both masculine and feminine traits at once, like Albina has just mentioned. Finally, we will discuss censorship, freedom of expression, coming out, living in secret, and protest... and even more in the issues to come.

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A note from Co vice president Cindy Lewis:

Our sponsors and advertisers have either reached out to us, or we have reached out to them about sponsoring or advertising in the Tri-State community by purchasing ad space in the Co-ZINE, or by sponsoring events. When mentioning the type of advertising we offer, immediately I see a smile on their face! They typically say things like, “This is great!” Or my favorite, “We need these kinds of things in Dubuque!” They not only want your business, but also to be part of our community!

Yes, allies, we ask that when you read or flip through the pages of the Co-ZINE, you pause for a moment and look at the ads. Think of them as post cards from your Aunt or best friend traveling across the United States. These ads are personal thoughts of you! They are saying, “Hey, we are here, we wish you were too.” Remember that they spent money to invite and welcome you into their businesses. Remember it’s the thought that counts!

The Pride and Halloween spook could not have been done without some of the sponsors you see on these pages. They paid for your cover, purchased decor, entertainment, food, candy, buttons, posters, photography, transportation to Chicago and much more. Please, when you’re making plans for a day, an evening, or a weekend, consider looking through the CoZINE and supporting those businesses and organizations. Check their websites or Facebook sites for their upcoming events or promotions.

As Co Dubuque plans upcoming events for the community, we need to consider costs just as our advertisers do when they purchase ad space. They know that their money is going back to Co Dubuque, a nonprofit company that supports our community. They are opening their welcoming doors to you. Our sponsors and advertisers want us to continue to provide more, bigger and better events for the Tri-States. They know that as our community grows, we all grow together. Please consider doing business with our advertisers and sponsors first. It’s the least we can do for the community, ourselves and our allies.

A note from Co president Luis Morteo:

The power of words is very intriguing – not words by denotation – their intrigue is in the sentiment and emotion we ascribe them. Sticks and stones… right? As a society, we invent connotation. As individuals, we cast them like spells over one another. You queer… faggot… fag… fairy… homo…But how can simple words enchant or curse us? Because of their invented meanings, they can challenge us, attack our emotions. When someone speaks with the intention to harm us, their words can spark pain, self-loathing, anger, resentment, shame, guilt, and so many other toxic feelings.

Queer… faggot… homo… These and other spells cast upon me do not affect me anymore.

They are not negative because I choose to embrace them, and I embrace myself. Yes, I am a faggot, a queer, a homo. Yes, I am gay. I accept these words as positive, because they don’t hurt.

They do their job: They describe who I am. When I choose to look at words by denotation, to defy, deny, reject the curses imbued in them by those who don’t know better, I’m not hearing anything new. I cannot possibly be offended. Yes, I like men. Yes, I like gay sex… and I am not ashamed of who I am!

This is my advice to you: just own it, and stop giving other people the power to harm you. Couldn’t I call someone cis… straighty… hetero… breeder… with the intention for injury or offense? No matter – it’s all the same, and my victim would choose not to be hurt by my words… so why should we? This is the dawn of a new era. We give words their power through our response, by showing what they mean to us. Let’s not. Stop letting them mean harm.

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LGBTQ+ Iowa & Tri-State area Events CEDAR RAPIDS

We have not reached our goal. These gifts go to chilPFLAG Monthly meeting dren living with HIV / AIDS Thu, Nov 10, 7pm – 9pm or have a family member Grant Wood Area Education, with HIV / AIDS 5$ buy in.

4401 6th St SW, Cedar Rap- All Proceeds Benefit Ron ids, IA 52404, United States Friichtenicht Angel Tree. http://www.pflagcr.com/ FACEBOOK Belle’s Basix Drag Show Every Friday and Saturday $5 @ the door and cover starts at 9 p.m.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa 3916 1st Ave NE Cedar Rapids, IA 52402 (319) 363-3194 HYPERLINK QUAD CITIES Connections Game Night Every Wednesday Night!

822 W 2nd St. Davenport, IA FACEBOOK

Roller’s Lunch(Retired Older Lesbians) every third Tuesday. Nov 15 @ 12 pm - 2 pm Elie’s Family Restaurant, Madison, WI 4102 Monona Dr liz.winter.dannenbaum@ gmail.com

IOWA CITY

“Don’t Call Me Son” screening - $7.00 Pride Thanksgiving Potluck Nov 16 @ 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm & Bingo A queer teenager’s life is upSun, Nov 20, 6pm – 9pm ended when it is revealed Studio 13, that his working class mom 13 S Linn St, Iowa City, IA stole him from a wealthy family at birth.

Sasha Belle Friday Drag & (608) 257-0158 Dance Party Madison Museum of ConEvery Friday, 8pm temporary Art Studio 13, 227 State St. South Linn Street, Iowa City, Madison, WI 53703 United IA States MADISON

Dar Williams Nov 18th at 8:00PM LGBTQ Narratives Group DAR WILLIAMS Connections Drag Show Nov 2 @ 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm Return to MORTAL CITY Every Friday Night at International Lane, Suite 101 The 20th Anniversary Tour 11:00PM Madison, WI 53704 BARRYMORE THEATRE 822 W 2nd St. Davenport, 608-255-8582 2090 Atwood Ave, Madison, IA WI, 53704 FACEBOOK OutThere Meeting Nov 6 @ 5:00 pm - 7:00 pm PFLAG Monthly Madison Mary’s on 2nd OutThere will be hosting a Meeting St. Sunday Funday with Bob- craft night! We will be mak Nov 20 @ 2:00 pm - 4:00 pm by!!!! ing Christmas Ornaments to All meetings are held at Euchre Tournament donate to a local cause.

1704 Roberts Ct. Madison Every Sunday at 5 PM Sharp International Lane, Suite 101 Speaker Meeting 2:00-3:00 832 W 2nd St Madison, WI 53704 United PM Davenport, IA 52802 States Support Circle 3:00-4:00 PM (563) 884-8014 608-255-8582 33

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