EXPANDED FAMILY Magazine FALL 2015
Being Real in Marriage By: Valerie & Cara Toomey
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Indian Women & the Moments of Joys Dr. Sushma Pankule
Ringing The Joy Bell Through The Holidays Dr. Pekola Roberts: p.38
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Being the Fairy Godmother: What I Learned Through My Matchmaking Company
BY: DONNA LECLAIR
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• EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE • EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE • CULTIVATING JOY • FALL 2015
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The 8-WEEKS-TO-PEACE PROGRAM FOR BIOLOGICAL & STEPMOMS ~Special Holiday Spirit Program STARTS: STARTS: Sunday Evenings November November 1, 2015 3, 2015 ENDS: ENDS:December December22, 20, 2015 2015
TO LEARN MORE: www.peacefulheartspeacefulhomes.com
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TABLE ON CONTENTS PAGE 4
THE UNSPOKEN JOYS OF DIVORCE By: Jaimie D. Karas
PAGE 6
Using Money for More Joyous Living By: Dr. Kay Lesh
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Being The Fairy God Mother By: Donna LeClair
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Got a Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Down in my Heart By: M. L. Meehan
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The Joy of the Journey is in the Ride BY: Roseanne DeSantos
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Being Real In Marriage By: Valerie and Cara Toomey
PAGE 20
The Joy of Travel By: Edie Weinstein, LSW
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Indian Women and the moments of Joys By: Sushma Pankule
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What do you think of when you hear the word “joy” ? By: Vincent j. Kellsey
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Service is the Greatest Source of Joy! By: Dr. Rusty Stewart
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How Being a Soldier of Love = JOY By: Monique S. Murray
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Have You Seen Joy Lately? By: Tony Vear
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Joy of Fitness By: Annette Padilla
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Ask The Mediator By: Penny M. Polokoff-Kreps
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Ringing The Joy Bell Through The Holidays By: Dr. Pekola Roberts
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
LOVE AFFAIR WITH THY SELF: THE MOVEMENT LOVE AFFAIR DEFINED: a feeling of great interest in and enthusiasm for something; a lively enthusiasm LOVER: one who is fond of or devoted to something LOVE AFFAIR WITH THYSELF: a feeling of great interest, enthusiasm, fondness and devotion to being the highest version of yourself. Created as an on-going, ever evolving process of exploring, experimentation and discovering yourself through deep layers of self-love. Fulfillment derived from within, which will then beam outward into the world. Love Affairs can be experienced as wildly intense or intensely powerful. They are romantic, nurturing and based on deep layers of compassion and empathy. Love is the driving force. We get to decide how high we want to fly. The Love Affair with Thy Self movement will be a collection of resources, tips, stories from people all over the world. From those who have learned how to have a Love Affair with Thy Self. Divided into the three pillars of Body, Mind and Spirit. Take what you want and leave the rest. This is an invitation to become a part of the Movement. Everyone is welcome here. Come Play www.loveaffairwiththyself.com
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THE UNSPOKEN JOYS OF DIVORCE by: Jaimie D. Karas
Divorce is Hard. It is an emotional storm. It has a woman question her choices in life thus far, and forces her to examine her very existence. And while it is easy to focus on the problems, the emotional pain, the hardships, the “how could have this happened?” to my life, the “what will I do now?” syndrome, there is another side that is seldom spoken of. You see, I came out of marriage where my husband also didn’t know how to properly load the dishwater. He balled his socks in the wash and left the bathroom a mess. He hogged the bed, he snored and didn’t take out the trash. All in all, I felt he was useless. But this article isn’t about blame, because truth is, we were both equally to blame for the failure of our marriage. And all of the above annoyances and feelings of uselessness, were symptoms of two unhappy people. So the focus here is on the unspoken joys of divorce. 1. Let’s start in the bedroom. I remember the first night in my new place, in my own bed. Ahhh.... I slept sideways. There was no snoring to wake me up, no tossing and turning. It was joyous. 2. Cleaning up the dishes and loading
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the dishwasher is now peaceful. All the dishes and glasses are so neatly organized, which assures that they come out clean and free of chips! 3. If you have children, and you didn’t have much, if any, free time, having time without your kids allows for you to take on a new hobby, to exercise, spend time with girlfriends, go to the movies, socialize, among many other activities. You are free to spend your time however and wherever you choose. 4. Walking around naked in your home. I love doing this. 5. Catching up on years of books you wanted to read but never got around to. 6. Sleeping until 10:00 a.m. While the above joyful experiences are truly simple and magnificent each in their own right, the biggest joy is getting another chance at life. Another chance to do life in a way that you choose. To learn to enjoy your own company. To learn what it means to have self-love. Another chance to find true lasting yummy love. I remember when I finally made the decision that divorce was the answer. It was such a long and difficult one to make, but when I finally did, the sense of wonder I experienced when I realized that I am the creator of my life was mind blowing! That I get to
choose where I live. I get to choose how I spend my days. I get to choose what energy I allow into my life. I get to dig deep within my soul and learn about ME. I have the opportunity to experience lust and love again. A first kiss. I have a chance to start over. I felt blessed and as if I was given the greatest gift on earth. A second chance. Like many of you, I was disconnected from myself. I had built so many walls around me, I lost sight of knowing what could be, what was there inside of me, that I never let my feelings show. I became numb and merely existed. What an incredible influx of emotion I felt when I made the decision to divorce and took action. My heart began beating. I could feel the energy pulsating through my body, and my desire to take in and on all of this joyous life took flight. My mind and my heart were open to everything and everyone. I knew that dating was not for me, at least not right away. Having 3 children, who at the time of my divorce were 14, 10, and 7, I knew that there were four priorities in my life. In my viewpoint, coming out of a marriage is a transition and a huge opportunity for growth. An opportunity to explore why your marriage didn’t work. What is your responsibility to the breakdown of your marriage? What is your
responsibility to breaking up the home of your children? And to find another person to fill a space within you, only leads to more of the same. The pattern is repeated. The children are again left with another person in and out of his or her life. And for what, because you can’t be alone? For me, being alone was the answer. And it has been three years. Three incredible years. Taking time to heal myself. I wanted to learn about myself. Why did I choose the man I did to marry? Why did I behave the way I did in my marriage? Why did I allow myself to be treated the way I was treated in my marriage? What are my values? What am I passionate about? What messages are replaying in my mind that limit me in being the best version of myself? Who am I? What do I stand for? You see, until I became abundantly clear on who I was at my core, how was I to attract a partner that would bring out the best in me? That would expand my heart, not contract it? That would be my equal in every way, so that we could co-create a healthy loving relationship that could thrive in and endure life’s journeys? This is the joy of divorce.
Jaimie D Karas is a family law attorney, Certified Supreme Court Family Mediator, divorce coach, speaker, mom of 3, and a heart-centered divorced woman. Since obtaining her Juris Doctor in 1994, she has practiced exclusively in the area of family law, and uses her legal knowledge, wisdom, and countless hours spent in personal development training to guide her clients through the divorce process. Her desire is for her clients to experience an amicable and healing divorce, one which allows her clients to leave the process stronger, healthier, and happier. With a firm understanding of the pitfalls of the current legal model of divorce, she sets to revolutionize the process, and put an end to the financial and emotional bleeding of divorce. JD Karas can be found at: www.JDKaras.com www.healingheartmediation.com Email: healingheartmediation@gmail.com
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Using Money for More Joyous Living By: Dr. Kay Lesh
A time-worn cliché tells us that money can’t buy happiness. Literature is replete with cautionary tales of people who, because of wrong-headed, misguided values learn this lesson the hard way. Remember King Midas, the mythological character who became so enamored of gold that he ended up losing his most precious possession — his beloved daughter? Stories of deranged misers sitting in lonely rooms counting their money, bereft of friends or family, are staples of fiction. Movies frequently feature greedy people
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who seek wealth for its own sake, and our relationship to money. only to lose everything in the end. We do need money in order to Like many clichés, this one con- live. That is our reality. We need it tains a grain of truth. Research to pay for food, housing, transporon happiness does tell us that tation, education, entertainment wealthy people are no happier and anything else that leads to a than those who have less mon- reasonably comfortable life. And, ey. That appears to be true. Ac- while money can’t buy happiness, cepting the idea that money can’t it can certainly purchase items to buy happiness over-simplifies a make our lives more livable and complex issue. Money really can pleasurable. Money is a tool that help us find more joy in life. But can give us a better, more joyful life. in order to use money appropriately, we need to understand In and of itself, money has no valsome basic facts about ourselves ue. We can’t eat it. It doesn’t keep
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us warm. For most people, running their hands through piles of money brings little joy. Who does that, except crazy characters in old films, and possibly restaurant servers at the end of a particularly good shift? Money is only useful for the value that society assigns to it. Because of this value, money becomes important—not for itself but for what it can do for us. In order to use money effectively, you have to understand your own values. Ask yourself: • What really matters to me? • What is my purpose in life? • What kind of a life do I want for myself and my family? • What values do I want my family to embrace? • What family bonds and memories do I want to create? • What kind of memories do I want to have at the end of my life? Articulating your values helps you figure out how best to use money to enhance your life. Our values play an important role in deciding how and where we will live. They determine what we spend, save, invest
and give away. Paying attention to values gives you information that can help you use money—whether you have a lot or a little—to live a life that is fulfilling for you. So, if you value family, for example, you might decide to hire someone else to clean your house so that you have a few extra hours to spend with your children. Or, you might settle for a less demanding job so that you have more family time. Maybe you choose to live frugally now so that in the years to come, your children can go to private schools and a prestigious college. Conversely, you might decide that you want to focus on immediate family experiences, and send your children to less costly alternatives. There is some research that says we are happier when we spend money on experiences rather than tangible goods, so perhaps you choose to spend money for a family vacation rather than a newer model car. The choice is yours.
do, you will be more content with your choices if you make them in harmony with your values. It is important to understand that there is no right or wrong choice in deciding how to spend your money. We all have different values and thus will spend our money differently. Understanding this allows you to release judgment of how others spend their money. It also enables you to move past envying what others have. If you are living your values, you are more likely to be more content with your life as it is. You may not have everything you desire, but by living in the present, you free yourself to enjoy what you do have, right now. Money can lead us to a more joyous life if we use it consciously and in keeping with what is important to us. With some thought and effort, we can do just that. The reward of a more joyous life makes the effort worthwhile.
Clarifying your values allows you to set priorities and arrange your spending to help you achieve goals. Whatever you decide to
Kay Lesh, Ph.D. is an educator and psychotherapist. She has worked as a therapist for over 30 years, and is licensed by the State of Arizona as a Professional Counselor and as a Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a private therapy practice in Tucson AZ. Additionally, she teaches Psychology at Pima Community College. She presents workshops, seminars and classes on a variety of personal growth issues. She has written a number of articles on topics related to the impact of physical disability, women and rehabilitation, dealing with suicide in the family, psychology of money, and developing self-esteem. Dr. Lesh is the co-author of “Building Self-Esteem: Strategies for Success in School and Beyond,” 3rd. Edition, Prentice Hall, 2002; “Our Money Ourselves for Couples: A New Way of Relating to Money and Each Other,” Capitol Books, Inc. 2003, and “Our Money Ourselves: Redesigning Your Relationship with Money” Amacom Books, 1999.
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Being the Fairy
Godmother:
What I Learned Through My Matchmaker Company By: Donna LeClair Life provides us with an instinctive appetite for all the stories we create through living - be it fairytales at the beginning or obituaries at the end. Life, after all, is the story: a broad community of common experiences in which we all participate. The point of the story is to make us grow, not to make us immediately happy, for in our darkest moments; we unearth our greatest strengths and discover the mightiest of joys. For years I owned and operated the third largest dating service in the world. I pioneered a major role in a destiny designed for the winds of my own sails while embracing the blissful honor of meeting, serving and uniting singles from multiple lifestyles. The majority of my clients were not gifted the luxury of time and had a story yearning to be told with me serving as their confidant. The obstacles and accomplishments of their journey intrigued my curiosity about normality. Some were lonely; some sad, confused or in pain; some had emotional walls that needed breaking down; some had been abused. Nevertheless, they were all there for the same reason: to find joy in a world of the unexplainable norm. They had the courage to expose themselves, and I had the privilege of awakening their convictions. I listened to unbelievable
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stories with the deepest fears and the highest hopes. They were moments of extreme grace. I unearthed a calling that surpassed dreaded years of therapy because their stories schooled me that life was not wickedly tricky as my thoughts perceived. The more empathic I became, the more significant their well-being and the more joyful I, myself, became. Although I was not tantamount to a magician, I rendered my clients visible and seen. I tried to bless everybody with a clearer understanding of the joy reflected within. Four- foot five- inch fleshy Laura sobbingly circled her arms around her face as she banged her fist on my desk. She was just rejected for the umpteenth million time by a five- foot one- inch man, who, after a single glance, dumped her in the middle of a mall, ruthlessly proclaiming a drastic mistake. “Nobody will ever love me.” Her hopeless look melted my heart. “Laura, you didn’t do anything wrong,” I said tilting my head. “He has the problem, not you. It will happen, Laura. There is somebody out there for everybody.” “But me … what about me, Donna? Is there somebody out there for me? “Do you think it is that easy for anybody? Really?” I questioned, giving her a knowing glance. “We all have handicaps, Laura. Some of them are just a little bit more visible than others.” “Yeah, but you are not judged by your handicap. I am!” she stated. “Actually, I am judged by mine, and mine is a lot more noticeable than you think!” “Come on Donna. Really? “she said sarcastically. “Every day Laura, I stop myself from being loved,” I moved closer … raw and exposed. “My walls of insecurities are so high I, like you, fear nobody will ever accept and love me.” “But why? I don’t understand.” She looked at me as if I were nuts. “Handicaps … mental,” I squinted, pointing
to my head. “See this,” I said, scanning myself from head to toe. “It’s camouflage. Beneath all of this is a four –foot- five little girl searching, wishing the same as you.” I reached across the table, put her hand in mine, and soothed it with a gentle stroke of my thumb. Her face brightened, and like a streak of sunshine on a rainy day, the possibilities broke through the cloud. “We are all in this together, Laura. This game we call life. None of us is immune from the pain.” I almost broke a tear; I wanted so much to find her somebody. “Hang in there. Believe in yourself because I want you to. I need you to.” She looked at me, puzzled. “When you walk into a room, your spirit is so big it absorbs the whole room. You give me hope. You give me faith. You give me belief.” She giggled with embarrassment but lit up like a firecracker. Tired of the pain, rejection, and heartache, she swore not to give up, and go one-step further toward the happiness for which she so longed. Why do tales originate from such devastating pain? Why do we drive relatives, friends, neighbors, strangers (anybody, and everybody who will listen) nuts in the middle of our personal dilemma? We talk, whine, whimper, talk, whine, whimper, analyze, reanalyze, etc. Ugh, in short, we become royal pains in the _ _ _ and then wonder why anyone dare not cross the moat leading to our drowning castle. However, in retrospect, the long gray corridors of our tales are the only places we find pure joy. As I reclaim my thoughts my own thoughts, I realize I had developed into an autonomous woman who would not have emerged if stayed hidden under a cloak of yellow ducky pajamas, waiting for happiness to rescue that which lay within. Astounding beings mystified through insecurities and fraught with blights of experience disregard that equilibrium evolves as perception grows. They stifle the wisdom of yesterday, the fullness of today, the virtues of their sins and affairs heavy to their thoughts in lieu of muddling through the days and
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braving open thoughts into better worlds. Tom’s profile matched Laura’s except for the height discrepancy – he was six foot two, lean and tan. However, I knew I could rationalize the introduction: he had a mentally handicapped sister. As a lad, it was painful watching the shunning of his own sister, so life conditioned him in managing ruthless sneers and shallow stares; and now as a man, he definitely towered over the rest of the pickings in mental maturity. He agreed to meet Laura. “Why not, she sounds nice, what’s the problem?” He did not callously abandon her in the middle of a mall, nor did he humble her with ruthless declarations. He did, however, share a significant conversation with a conscious being. One honorable man perceived one gigantic heart and unlocked the door to that which lay beyond the realm of sight. They left their first date sailing toward open seas that eventually led to marriage and the adoption of two children. Why do we judge? Why do we shy away from imperfections yet ask acceptance of our own? Does the mirror of our own image appear so flawless our egos, ignorance, and inhibitions cast stones on the river of possibilities? I hope one does not assume perfection shall travel their every path and gift them seeds too immaculate for human eyes. The road is too long and narrow to travel alone. Marianne was opposite of Laura: a 28 -yearold leggy model with a sparkling smile and blond hair softly falling past her fragile shoulders and ah, huge breasts! She was the Barbie doll the boys drooled over and the girls longed to be. “I do not have a problem with men. I get asked out several times a week,” flipping her hair over her shoulder, she arrogantly proclaimed, with her nose high in the air, dodging the gibberish that floated between her assertions. Curiously observing why she felt the urgency to clarify a concern that never entered my mind, I probed, “Really … then what problem do you have with yourself?”
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With my eyebrows rising, and my finger tapping on my desk, I thought, I do not have the time or patience for games. I wanted to know why I sensed an ocean of sadness from a girl who could have her heart’s desire, yet she was sitting in a matchmaker’s office. She was edgy, feeling her ego demanded an apology, but when I refused to accept the illusion she used to veil the truth, she warmly opened. Some truths are so raw that only dishonor can liberate the anguish of their supremacy. In an altered voice, she broke the seal protecting her quivering lip. “I have a son I deeply love … he’s … fifteen. His name is Andrew.” She paused, and tried to gauge my response, expecting a shocked expression. “Go on, I’m listening.” Her lip turned upward as if relieved I was not judging and thankful for the opportunity to talk about the wound hidden beneath her smile. “Do you know what it is like to give birth at the age of 13?” She was two years younger than the father, whom she disclosed was the same age as their son when she gave birth. “We were way too young, way too immature. We were kids, bored, playing in a field, a childhood crush, first kiss …” She was not ashamed of the great tear that dropped off the end of her nose. Peeping out from under a Kleenex, she wiped her tears and continued, “Well, no one seems to understand.” Sitting on the corner of my desk with her hands in mine, I began letting her into my secret past, disclosing the intimate details of my journey. As I poured out the tales, she lingered on the details as we started sharing experiences on ground soiled by globules of tears. As they blended into passages of familiar country, we took a moment to breathe. We knew our similarities smothered invisibility. “Lots of people … women understand.”
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I sighed and continued, “Marianne, you are very fortunate your parents supported your decision. Do you know how many women were forced to give up their baby and wonder every day where they are?” She looked at me, shrugging her shoulders. “I realize I am fortunate. My parents have always been there for me, but I am lonely. I want a relationship. Guys like me. They call, ask me out, we have a good time, but as soon as they meet my son, with his changing voice and fine hairs growing over his upper lip, they vanish. They don’t even give me,” she hesitated and changed her wording, “us, a chance.” At this point, she was sobbing and I was walking around my desk, reaching for her elbows to raise her out of her chair. My hands gripped her by the shoulders and squeezed. Staring into her teary eyes, I avowed, handing her a handkerchief, “Marianne, one thing I have learned through life is when the heart has its moment, spirit cannot be stilled.” I led her by the hand to the bathroom, facing her toward the mirror. Standing behind her with my hands on her shoulders, I asked, “Look closely … really close. What do you see?” I saw tiny imperfections that indicated she was human and lovely details that told me she was alive. Alive and bleeding. She saw a frightened 13 year-old running with newborn in arms, a child nobody would rescue, nobody would want. She felt invisible, and I do not mean not seen, but seen through and rendered ethereal. “Look again!” I said, getting ready to convey my infamous lecture. “You are not invisible, Marianne. You are a wonderful caring human being. You just don’t see that. You’ve given up … on yourself! The men are not running from you - you are running from you, from a life you are so afraid ended, you haven’t given it a chance to begin.”
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“You’re beautiful Marianne, inside and out. My god, look at yourself. The courage you showed by keeping your son should be admired, not ostracized. If a man does not see that, do you really want him in your life? Do you really want him to be the example Andrew copies?” Lowering her head, she said,” No I don’t!” She turned around with big tears in her swollen eyes. “I just don’t want him to grow up alone. I want a family. Do you really believe I have a chance, and that somebody will love me … us?” “Somebody! Ah honey, everybody can have somebody. You don’t want just somebody, you want the right person,” I acknowledged. “Do I believe you can have the pick of the litter, the cream of the crop? ‘ Doggone it lady! I can talk until I am blue in the face, but until you start believing I am just wasting my breath. Look at yourself and see that which lies in front of you.” Opening the door for her to leave, I added, “You go, girl. I know you are worth it, now start believing.” Wherever could I find a gentleman who was capable of loving such a tender, sensitive creature like the one who just left my office? I sat at my desk and wept. Her perception of the conversation unlocked the spectrum of my lens. All of a sudden, her beauty surpassed the illusion it quartered. Fruitful tapestries illuminated findings of strength and courage. Through the sanctioned language of enlightenment, compassion fertilized and gracious beam birthed. Humbly I gave thanks for a lesson learned. Shawn, a stunning portrait of perfection, walked into my office and touched nations of insecurities. Clear into the night after his interview, I worried if I could find him true happiness and love. A tall order I wondered if my bag of magic tricks could fill.
Two years prior to his arrival in my office, his wife passed away giving birth to their daughter, Sara. At the time of her death, he was older than her 32 by one year. They met through a colleague of his. Her back hurt, he caressed the pain, and with the simple touch of his hand, chills ran down both of their spines - chills marriage perfected in the greatest of loves. My tears dangled on tips as he portrayed seeking her face in torment of many, and in the vacuity of stillness appealing her name. His heart ached with a longing so pressing it birthed an implausible loneliness that left minuscule joy to gift his loving daughter. How do you replace an angel, somebody that someone else has immortalized? How can you tell somebody that if you are lucky, true love comes along once in a lifetime? Now, I will just go to the back dock and whip that angel right up. Don’t we wish it could be that easy? People designed to meet exact specifications, lives created by the simple touch of a computer screen. We talked for hours about anything and everything. He needed to talk; my ears perked listening to his acute narrative weave longings of harmonious philosophies, aspirations, and dreams. If I was going to match him with one of my ladies - the perfect one, one that he promised to have, hold, and treasure “‘til death do thee part” - I wanted to make sure he was worthy of such an honor. I mean fairy godmothers come along once in a lifetime and one per fairy tale. Sorry, those are the rules. I did not invent them, Hans Christian Anderson did! He wanted a young wife. He did not care if she already had children, but he wanted them to have their own. He wanted a family. Marianne was young, pretty, a devoted mother with a longing to have more. There were times in my industry when all the pressure paid off, and I knew perfection could happen twice in a lifetime: he touched her back, caressed the pain and she turned around as her starving eyes staked their claim. “I am yours if you will have
me!” Déjà Vu! Exquisite promises shaped a family harmonized with teens and toddlers and newborns immortalized with happily-ever-afters. Four foot five, fair and plump; six foot two, tall and tan; a model lean and stunning, and a widower searching for perfection: different tomes, characters, and landscape, but the same designation - for one heart to mirror the map engrained in the endless joy of love. In a world of seven billion, sometimes our loneliness is invisible. I do not mean not seen, but rendered ethereal. Somebody is always crying - a deep, silent cry - under a bed, in a closet, in an office, on a desk. A single tear of hope or despair rolls down a cheek, sadness takes over that sometimes leads to minutes, hours, or possibly, days of continual weeping. Spirit cries out, and hope beckons on knees, praying for visibility. Can you hear the cry, or have your senses become numb to that which is silent only in sound? None of us needs to experience isolation. We are all peripatetic spirits vibrating through space and time at distinctive crossroads in our journey. We circuit into recognizable vast territories when our paths open to the unlimited passages of belief, mind, and imagination. We bond through the compassion of humanity for a reason beyond the scope of our realization and, in a split second, leave imprints on the grains of eternal passages. The breathing stories of my clients dragged me out of my abyss because as I looked beyond myself, and opened my senses to their lives, an awakening transpired and my life seemed microscopically insignificant. Their realities made my thoughts seem selfishly sheltered. I thought I was the only one, and my past, my problems, my scars were the worst and only suffering endured on this planet … possibly the whole universe. How can one find compassion for self and others if their vision is limited to that which only lies within? How can one find true joy when they hide within the hidden corridors
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of yesteryears and the uncertainties of tomorrow? It is not serving life dawning joyfully-ever-after. It is a healing birthed at the break of innocence and corded in a sphere of whimsical nature, thus awakening an abundance of wisdom thought weaves through the eyes of consciousness. Seize every single joy every single time while you are privileged the luxury. Fold the illusions into chapters of thoughts and live the storied hologram of a joyful life.
For 20 years, Donna LeClair has lectured to numerous organizations, colleges, and churches on the contents of this book, leaving an audience full of tears and faith. Her book *’One Little Black Book’* was a finalist in 2012 Balboa Press book contest. In 2013, the book *’Stories of Courageous Vulnerability’* featured sections of this book while footage from others in the wake of reality is scheduled for release in June 2014. She lives in Laguna Beach, California. She has two children and three grandchildren.
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Got a Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Down in my Heart
c By: M. L. Meehan Like it was yesterday! That’s how vividly I remember my high school senior as a preschooler, singing me a new song he learned that day at school. With an earnest, scrunchedbrow face, he belted out,
“I got a joy, joy, joy, joy Down in my heart…”
Joy- defined as the emotion of great delight or happiness- is what I felt listening to my four-year old son singing slightly off-key. Joy is, I suspect, what he felt singing that song to his mommy, too. In my years of teaching elementary school children, I’ve noticed that most children feel great joy in the little moments of life, and they willingly share it with all who are wise enough to listen. I interviewed some young people and invited them to answer the question, “What brings you joy?” When needed, I substituted, “What makes you really happy?” I shushed the parents who thought they were helping with their prompts, and recorded the
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words just the way the children said them. Here are some of the responses, along with my reflections.
creating a salad with bright colors and a variety of textures and tasty, fresh ingredients.
Will, age 3: “Playing Legos.” C’mon, readers! Playing can bring you great joy! Have you played lately? Grab some friends and dust off a board game. Invite your spouse to join you at the pool table. Start the Alphabet Game on your next family car ride. Or get down on the floor with some joyful kids and build your very own Lego creation. If you don’t have time to play, you need to play even more!
Jacob, age 17: “Success at activities.” Ah, that joy of knowing you did a great job on that project at work! Or finishing your baby quilt... or painting the family room… or repairing the storm-damaged fence… He gets it already, at 17. Can you change your attitude about that chore you’re procrastinating over, and make its completion a joyous moment?
Julia, age 6: “Chocolate ice cream! It makes me sooo happy.” Wells, age 8: “Having pizza for dinner, ‘cause it’s my favorite.” Unless you have a food addiction, a favorite food is a joy to the taste buds and tummy. Do you remember the delight of getting an ice cream cone when you were six? So many of my fourth graders list pizza as their favorite food. And yes, of course, healthy foods can bring joy, too. I felt thrilled yesterday at lunch,
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TJ, age 7:”My family and friends, because they love me.” Think about this one carefully. Who loves you? And those with expanded families…you have even more family members to list! Take TJ’s lead. Feel the joy! Molly, age 19: “My iPod. I can listen to my music and it takes away any stress I feel.” Maddi, age 14: “Music. All the different kinds there are.” I love these answers, not just because
I love music, but how the girls added the extra statement to explain. I think about how my mood influences what I choose to listen to. There are so many joyful moments in life that are remembered when I hear ‘those certain songs.’ It’s the music that first drew me to worship at my favorite Sunday spiritual home. Music pumps me up, or it helps me wind down. Music and joy are perfect dance partners!
interviewed around her birthday, yet that was the response that popped into her head. My friend, Tina, made a memorable comment on her 84th birthday. “I’m glad I’m alive to see another year,” she said with a smile. Maybe we’re getting wider and not taller like Sammy is, but when your next birthday comes around, make it a joyous day.
Grace, age 10: “The first day of summer. It’s a break from all the school stuff.” Grace was asked this question in mid-August! Perhaps my timing elicited this response. But do you remember the uninhibited joy of finishing another year of school, of knowing that you had months off? Parents, at times, may grit their teeth as the summer days wear down their patience, but your kids are thrilled to be rid of the daily grind. If that’s not your joy-filled time of the year, find a different day or week or month that is joyful for you.
Robert, age 10: “Coming home and giving hugs to the dogs!” I end with this one because of the powerful emotions elicited in me from it. Robert used three little words packed with maximum power to bring joy. Home… I hope your home is a place filled with joy. Do everything in your power to make it “your happy place.” Hugs… Go find a loved one to hug! Instant elation! And, of course, the last word is Dogs. So many of us share our lives with a pet. Cuddling with my canine brings me incredible joy. Perhaps your feline friends are your ticket to the Joy Show.
Sammy, age 6: “My birthday! I turn an older age, and I get taller.” Many adults dread birthdays. Sammy wasn’t
To close, I invite you to answer the question, “What brings YOU joy?” Maybe one of these kids prompted
you to answer similarly. Perhaps you thought of a totally different response. If you can’t think of an answer, seek help. You deserve to have a “joy, joy, joy, joy, down in (your) heart!”
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M.L Meehan: Mrs. Meehan has been a dedicated elementary teacher for 27 years, a devoted wife for 16 years, and a loving mother for 15 years. Her favorite pastimes include reading, tennis, Scrabble, and game night with her family. She has written many plays for children, and takes great pride in watching her students shine in their performances.
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The Joy of the Journey is in the Ride By: Rosanne Santos
JOY: A simple 3 letter word that holds such great meaning. When told this was the topic of discussion, I easily jumped at the chance and responded. “I could easily write on this subject.” I’ve found over the years that JOY has many layers of intensity, ranging from simple JOY, to hard core laughing till you pee yourself kinda JOY. There seems to be a fine line of love that threads through my personal JOY experience. I find JOY in early morning sounds of nature, cup of coffee in hand, reading a good book or long conversations with my loving mother. I find JOY in watching the family of deer that occupy my property on a daily basis, giving them each names and knowing they feel safe here with me. I find JOY in snapping a picture, freezing
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a moment in time and knowing one day when I’m long gone, others will find joy in my photography. I find JOY riding shotgun on the back of my husband’s Harley, wind whipping through my hair and a sense of bad ass bandana wearing feeling with the song “ Born to be Wild” humming in my middle aged head. I experienced pure soul deep JOY witnessing the births of my granddaughters entering this world, thus taking me back in time to the joy of giving birth to my own children. Overwhelming elated JOY. I found tear jerking JOY in seeing my daughter Alyssa try on her first wedding dress. The mirror became a reflection of joyful times of her as a little girl, spinning around in a princess dress excited about her dream wedding one day. The day has arrived. Hearing my sons express to me the love they feel for
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their daughters, watching their interactions and knowing the amazing fathers they are, brings sentimental JOY. The last four years of being a grandmother to three beautiful granddaughters has caused unmeasurable daily JOYs. Sweet kisses , soft “ I Love you MeMom”, overnight stays, cooking French toast together, picking apples, deer watching , nature walks, endless giddy laughter, playing make believe and the sounds of little feet teetering down my hallway. The list goes on and on. I savor every single joyous moment with them that I can because I know in a quickness these types of joys will end with age. JOY seems to be a compilation of compact memories, never ending but continuously embedding in your heart. As I sit and ponder this thought of JOY, I am being inundated with memories, emotions
and flashbacks of joyous events. My mind being the computer chip of the heart which sends vivid transmissions of how this JOY felt, causing me to relive this experience again and again. A tear may appear or sudden race of my love organ is a simple reminder of how JOY feels. Not only can you find JOY, you can give JOY as well. I like to refer to this as the “Circle of Joy”. Pay joy forward and you will derive great pleasure from this act of giving therefore causing a return of JOY to yourself. I receive on a daily basis emails, texts, Facebook messages from women all around the world expressing gratitude for the organization of Fight Club for Women that was created. Our main mission is to inspire, motivate, educate and empower women from all walks of life and professions. This simple vision has starting a domino effect causing the spread
of JOY everywhere. There are times I sit and listen to the stories, have an out of body experience it seems and the sense of Proud Accomplished JOY takes over my complete being. Conversations, brain storming, late night laughter including wine with my business partners and now best friends, all part of the Girlfriend JOY experience. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not JOY fulfilled in some way or another. I will leave you with my favorite saying. “The JOY of the Journey is in the ride.” Hope you enjoy your ride. I certainly am enjoying mine. ~Rosanne Santos Joy Expert
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Rosanne Santos age 48 . Happily married with 3 amazing adult children and 3 beautiful Granddaughters. Rosanne is the Founder, CEO & CVO ( Chief Visionary Officer) for Fight Club for Women LLC with currently almost 6,000 members internationally . Rosanne has an extended history as an Entrepreneur with previously owning and operating businesses. Her current vision and sole (soul) mission is through the use of FCFW workshops, events and webinars etc. is to motivate, empower, inspire, educate and give back philanthropically to Non Profit organizations world wide. Servant Leadership is how Rosanne’s is best known.
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Being Real in Marriage
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By: Valerie & Cara Toomey
I had such a JOYFUL experience finding out how our December 2013 cover gals, Valerie and Cara Toomey are doing now, two years into their marriage. So how has it been going for this lovely couple?
All I can say is that they are now in my “top 5 hearts,” list of couples who would be role models for a healthy relationship. Their joy and insane humor are infectious. Their happiness became my happiness. Their JOY became my JOY. Solid, authentic healthy married couples are fun to be around. They give you hope, they inspire you to aspire to an easier, more lighthearted way to relate in marriage. Although these two women shine beautifully and brightly as individuals, their natural love and flow with one another seems to amplify that brightness of being. Valerie and Cara Toomey most definitely embody a JOYFUL MARRIAGE Turns out, for this couple, living every day JOY is a value they both say was bestowed upon them by their individual experiences with cancer. Valerie and Cara have what I would call a “Post-Cancer Thrive Consciousness.” VALERIE: Cancer taught us to find joy and humor in everyday life. You can’t go through something like cancer and not be changed…but believe it or not, it can change you for the better. From the very beginning Valerie and Cara made a commitment to each other to maintain communication. CARA: I feel like the first two years of marriage has been about learning quirks and setting boundaries, so our communication is first and foremost. VALERIE: Our communication is so important to us, and we really try to handle things fully and in the moment. When you take the time to do that, you don’t have to keep revisiting the same is-
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sues. They’re resolved! And by talking about things when they arise, you’re less likely to develop resentments. They both believe in being authentic and 100% raw with each other. VALERIE: It’s still scary. You have to be willing to drop the walls and the armor that no longer serves you, and you have to remember that it’s ok to be completely vulnerable with this other person. But in the end, in order to have an authentic relationship you must be your authentic self which leads to authentic JOY! CARA: I hate that 50/50 concept. To me, that means you are only giving half of what you could be giving. These women also made it clear to me that they have had their share of hardships in the past two years, their share of struggles because that’s what happens when life happens. Things like a family member dying or some other life crisis. Their remedy for life’s messes? CARA: When one of us struggles, the other instinctually steps up. When I asked Cara to tell me what she loved most about Valerie, she said: She’s a great communicator Affectionate Compassionate Understanding Super Intelligent And most of all, I know there are things about me that really get on her nerves, but she loves me and therefore, she puts a positive spin on it, and we end up laughing (most of the time)!
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When I asked Valerie to tell me what she loved most about Cara, she responded: Loyal Affectionate Understanding Incredibly Supportive: For instance, when I thought I wanted to start my own business, Cara was supportive. When I realized that endeavor was not quite right for me, she was still right by my side, helping me navigate what steps to take next. And most of all, this woman makes me laugh until there are tears in my eyes. (As a side note: I believe Valerie wholeheartedly because they were both making me laugh and I had tears in my eyes too!) Common Ground: Their top favorite things to enjoy together are music, comedy, and anything related to animals or animal rescue. VALERIE: It’s become a tradition that every year on our birthdays we each take the other to see a standup comedian. CARA: Our latest and greatest joy was seeing our favorite band, Marianas Trench! We saw them 3 times in one week, and we got to meet them too! They also enjoy cooking together, spending time with their four cats and three dogs, and being in nature. I asked them both how they felt about the Supreme Court decision on marriage equality. They both said “We cried.” Cara added, “I was happy, but at the same time it was just another day. I don’t need anyone to tell me who I can love.” Valerie shared, “In our state we were already married, so it was nice to know now everyone can have a 18
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legally recognized marriage too. However, our state’s housing and employment laws also support and protect us; that’s not the case for everyone. While we can now legally marry in all 50 states, there is no federal housing law protecting the LGBTQ community from discrimination nor is there a federal statute addressing employment discrimination of the LGBTQ community. That means that in about 23 states you can get married on Sunday and on Monday, you could be kicked out of your home and fired from your job. So while June 26, 2015 was a big win for marriage equality, there is still much more work to be done for the LGBTQ community.” And so…that’s the update on this fun loving, authentic, JOYFUL married couple. May they continue live IN-JOY! Christina Marie
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The Joy of Travel By: Edie Weinstein, LSW
I love travel! It offers me the opportunity to visit new environs, meet fascinating people, try new foods and have experiences that are novel. Music, historic sites, culture and nature are among the symbolic souvenirs I carry home in memory, if not in my luggage. I am writing this article from Gate D5, in the Miami International Airport, as I am waiting to board a flight home to Philadelphia. It is the last leg of the journey that began a little more than a week ago when I pulled my red wheeled suitcase behind me; blue backpack hoisted on my shoulder, to take them and me on a much needed vacation to Paradise. It was at the invitation of my friend Ambika Devi that I landed on the sunny shores of Jamaica. She was a visiting yoga instructor, teaching classes at an all-inclusive resort in Negril, called Couples Swept Away. One of the perks of the gig, was that she was allowed to bring a guest. When she asked me back in June if I wanted to join her, it took me less than 10 seconds to respond. I had not been to the lush and lovely island for 28 years, when I was a newlywed honeymooner. By then end of the day, I had booked my flight and began preparing.
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One of my favorite movies is called “The Accidental Tourist”. Starring William Hurt, it tells the tale of a travel writer, who derives little pleasure from being on the road, the water, or in the air and pens articles that shows other people how to tolerate travel with as little disruption to their lives as possible. He prepares for every eventuality. Although I am not in that category, travel is something that I do most carefully these days. A year ago, following a heart attack, I found comfort in familiar routine, as I hunkered down at home. There wasn’t a fear of a recurrence, but rather a sense that if I could control my environment, I could remain safer. One thing that is certain about travel, is that it is unpredictable. Schedules change, lines through TSA or customs may be miles long or mercifully short. Seatmates could be chatty or silent. Flights could be smooth of turbulent. Remarkably like life. As I readied for the trip, I knew I needed to pack lightly, since I hesitate to check my bags. On too many occasions, they have taken separate vacations and did not arrive when I did. I learned to consolidate, roll and fold items and put things precisely where I could lay hands on them easily.
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Added to the mix was the need to know the whereabouts of my passport at all times, since this was an international flight. The morning of my departure, I was feeling exhilarated, imagining what awaited. I had viewed the website several times, perusing the menus of the various onsite restaurants and assured myself that I would burn at least as many calories as I consumed, since there was also an open air gym in which I would continue my workouts, as well yoga classes, dancing, beach walking, paddle boarding and swimming that I would be doing. The passage through the Philadelphia airport, en route to Jamaica, had one minor glitch. When I got to TSA, my bag was pulled aside. I asked the friendly agent if he had found contraband of some sort. He asked if there was a large bottle stashed in there. Drat! The ever so sensitive X-ray machine had spied the large economy size bottle of sunscreen. Of necessity, that got replaced at twice the cost in the hotel gift shop. Even my relatively swarthy skin that has seen many a sun beam, still requires heavy duty protection.
When the plane landed in Montego Bay, memory of having lived for a few years in South Florida kicked in automatically as the steam bath quality of the air had my lungs and other assorted body parts feeling drenched. A mango and pineapple juice was a sweet treat that helped cool me down. A few hours later, I found myself immersed in lush and luscious surroundings. Verdant tropical foliage sprouted from the ground and dripped from hanging vines. Tall and striking bamboo marked the entrance to the room where my friend and I stayed. Winding walk ways invited meandering. The sound of the ocean lured me as soon as I changed from travel wear to bathing suit. Shallow, crystal clear water beckoned. How could I resist? The resort has foam mats that make the perfect floatation device, as I stretched out and let the sun soak my travel weary body. I sighed and realized that it was the perfect way to engage in the yoga asana (pose), known as sivasana, which is done as a way of closing the practice. I felt as if I was held and supported by life itself, as much as being embraced by the ocean. Throughout the week, I had a chance to get to know people from all over the world, who had traveled, in many cases, to enjoy time with a partner. As one of the few single people there, I had some trepidation initially that I would feel like the odd woman out. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I was welcomed in conversation by couples who lounged on
the beach, sat at meals or participated in planned activities. I also met two sisters from Oklahoma who travel together often and we will be staying in touch. More importantly, I did something uncharacteristic of me. I spent quiet time, simply BE-ing. No schedule to keep, I floated from one activity (and sometimes non-activity) to another. Although I was invited by my friend to go to various parties and off grounds locales, I declined. It seemed more soul satisfying to nap, wave splash, sunbathe and stargaze. I also graciously turned down four opportunities offered by men I met on the beach, to get to know them better. All asked “Where is your man?” When I said that I hadn’t met him yet, they each said that they would gladly play that role. One who is the owner of a beachside restaurant, asked me to marry him as we danced and he planted a smooch on me. Another joy was spending time at the aforementioned restaurant, with my friend Kim Walker who, as she reminded me, I had not seen face to face in a decade. We, like most in this time of social media, have stayed abreast of each other’s lives via Facebook. We caught up in conversation, as we strolled the beach and enjoyed lobsters that were harvested from the sea right in front of us. I thanked the spirit of those beings that gave their lives for our nourishment. As much I find my bliss while trekking about, I also discover it upon returning
home. One of the first things I do after entering my home, is open my suitcase and toss clothing in the washer and then place my travel weary body in the shower, as means of transitioning from one state of being to another. Many people bemoan ending vacation. I savor it. As much as leaving for the journey, I find joy in the return, as I carry rich memories with me that are priceless. I have learned to bring with me, elements of vacation pleasures. This time, it will incorporate some of the foods I sampled in Jamaica; such as callaloo (a somewhat bitter green leafy vegetable), shredded pumpkin, coconut water, fresh from the source, beets and pineapple, rice and beans, as well as steamed greens that I had at most meals; including breakfast. It will also mean bringing treasured connection with the people I met there; most especially the young entertainment staff who were like camp counselors; generating enthusiasm among the guests and whose own zest for life and a desire to make the world a better place was inspiring. One of my friends commented on my consistent Facebook postings, since I wanted to take folks on the trip with me vicariously. She thanked me for taking them on the joy-ney!
Edie Weinstein, LSW is a colorfully creative journalist, inspiring transformational speaker, licensed social worker, radio host, interfaith minister, BLISS Coach and the author of The Bliss Mistress Guide To Transforming The Ordinary Into the Extraordinary. She calls herself an Opti-Mystic who sees the world through the eyes of possibility. www.opti-mystical.com She is writing her new book called The Way of the Opti-Mystic.
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Indian Women and the moments of Joys
By: Sushma Pankule
An Indian woman is pretty simple in nature. She performs a number of duties during her lifespan. She derives joy from very small things like going out for shopping, getting ready for a party, taking care of her husband whom she considers to be her God, looking after her kids, making delicious food, doing each and every task for her family etc. We just cannot imagine an Indian society without a women. It is worth mentioning here that in Indian mythology we have several women Gods like Lakshmi, the Goddess of wealth, Saraswati, the Goddess of education, as well as Ganga, the Goddess of sanctity and purity, Sita, the most ideal wife and companion etc. Women have always been at a very prominent position in Indian culture. In her lifetime, a woman plays at least five crucial roles that make her indispensable if seen from a male perspective. Each role holds high regard in its own way. It is a women who has been the reason for our birth, growth, success and survival on planet Earth.
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MOTHER: A woman’s role as a WIFE: An Indian woman has al-
mother goes beyond bearing and rearing children. Her job knows no bounds as she works for her children 24x7, 365 days a year and, in most cases, without days off from her duties. Besides doing all the basic chores like cooking, cleaning, washing, making you eat the ‘tasteless’ greens for the sake of good health, she does the worrying bit for you too. For example, she goes to the temple on your behalf to appease deities for your success and of course, who can forget the sleepless nights she spends nursing you when you are down with an illness. Of course Indian women do this most sincerely and derive pleasure out of it.
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ways been a very faithful wife. She is considered a confidante, a protector from the evil eye, someone who you could count on to share your trials and tribulations and help you get over the hurdles. In India, there have been several examples of ideal wives like the princess Savitri who tactfully brought back her husband Satyavan’s soul from the hands of the Hindu Lord of Death Yamaraj. Today, domestic violence is a growing concern in our society. When a woman leaves her maternal home to start life afresh with her husband and his family, it becomes the foremost duty of the husband to help her feel at home. Men must understand that their wife is not a punching bag to kill the of-
fice stress. Beating one’s wife is an abominable sin as is insulting her. So recall all your marital vows, stop taking her for granted (in case you are) and watch the rejuvenating glow on her face. And this is regardless of the fact whether your wife is a working woman or a homemaker. Serving the husband gives her joy and happiness.
a wife. But a daughter is a daughter all her life. She performs this duty also most sincerely and of course joyfully.
SISTER: As a sister, she plays the
GRANDMOTHER: As a grandmother, she derives pleasure in telling stories to her grandchildren. Her fantastical stories are what one craves for when the reality of the big bad world of the corporate work life hits you hard on the head. She is usually the one whose loving shelter one seeks from dad’s anger. She is always at her grandchild’s disposal and is ever-ready to listen to your concerns. Often, she is the one who ends up forwarding your special requests to your parents. Even performing this role gives her immense pleasure.
role of saviour of her brother. God made sisters to be a friend In need. While an older sister is a second mother for her sibling, the younger sister, on the other hand, is more like a member who keeps the atmosphere at home jovial by her innocent jokes and lively vibes. She gets immense joy looking after the younger siblings.
DAUGHTER: She is a loving and caring daughter for the parents. Many people would agree that daughters are a treasure-trove of joy. Their chirpy nature and distinct aura keep the household brimming with happiness. Daughters are as precious and cherished as the sons. Like the adage goes, a man is son till he gets himself
An Indian woman is very caring and mature in nature. She derives pleasure from many little things, such as the of joy in grooming herself for her husband. If she gets a word of praise from her hubby that she is looking good, joy for her gets to the threshold. She is extremely excited when getting married. It’s a new beginning for her, as she feels she is entering the second phase of her life and gets herself prepared for the life in an entirely new place. Even getting ready to attend a function gives her pleasure and happiness. She is multi-faceted and plays each and every role assigned to her compassionately, happily and with full devotion. Indian women play an important role in initiating socio-economic progress of the country. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Women should be empowered so that they can lead India to glory. Our women entrepreneurs, social welfare workers, scientists, politicians and economists are leading the way for a brighter future. Women in urban and rural areas should be given access to good opportunities so that they can bring about positive social change and contribute to the growth of the country
Dr. Sushma Pankule Qualification M.Sc. M.Phil. Ph.d.M.A. English Literature Working as a professor in Adv.V.R.Manohar Institue of D.M.L.T. napur for 30yrs. Associated with women's international league for peace and freedom (WILPF) for 15 years .Working on women's issues Peace and Environment. Runs a school for underprivileged girls, Sushma currently lives in India with her husband, two sons and daughter-in -law.
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What do you think of when you hear the word “joy”? By: Vincent J. Kellsey
What do you think of when you hear the animated form of happiness. I am sure if word “joy”? you asked a small child about joy, those leap-ing about and wildflower images Perhaps it is my age, or I simply may are indeed what comes to their mind. have watched far too many daytime Ahh, the innocence of youth. soap operas as dish-washing liquid immediately comes to mind. Next comes Regardless of the semantics on the word Christmas carols, then finally a woman’s joy, we might be able to agree on one name. Interestingly enough however, I thing, and that is there is far too little of do not get images of dancing through this sentiment in the world today. Many wildflowers in unin-hibited abandon, people are struggling just to find a modor leaping about with a huge smile, as icum of happiness, never mind pure unmany might when thinking of the word fettered joy and that is a sad symptom or idea of joy. What is joy exactly? Hap- of a world gone crazy over all the things piness? Relief? Excitement? It seems to that do not really matter, at the heart me that joy is one of those extra words, breaking cost of all of the things that rerather than a fully formed concept in ally do. itself. As in “joyfully happy” or “joyfully ex-cited” or “jumping for joy” …ok , When I was a child, life was easy and maybe that last one is a full concept… free, and there were many moments but I still concede that joy is merely an for joy- such as fishing in a wild stream,
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swimming in a pristine lake, running through the forest pretending to be pirates or adventurers or heroes. I am not so ancient yet, but this was still in a time before cell phones, com-puters, video games, and on demand movies robbed children of the need to live out of their imagi-nation. It was a time to run down the street to their best friend’s house and set out on bicycles to see what the day would bring, with no way to call home or check our email or see who is sending us that text message.
Children today might say they feel joy, but that is likely only experienced when receiving a new gadget or video game. Is it still joy and as valid as what I felt as a child tromping around the world of my small town? Who am I to say, as I am just a grumpy old man now, and joy to me is laying down in my warm bed at the end of the day? When I look at kids today and remember my own youth, I would have to say my joy was more exuberant. I feel sorry for the city kids in today’s crazy and fast paced world who may never know those simple, slow joys of a small town childhood. This was when every day was an adventure, and joy was two months long every summer. I hope those days are not gone forever, as the romantic in me likes to think we can reclaim them. The realist in me says those days are indeed long gone, and live now only in the memories of those of my era. I think I’ll go get myself a chocolate bar and remember…perhaps an Almond Joy.
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Service is the Greatest Source of Joy! By: Dr. Rusty Stewart
As I was thinking about what to write about with joy, it occurred to me to share one of my Spiritual foundations that have brought me peace and joy over the years. I have facilitated A Course in Miracles and The Way of Mastery study groups. The material in these 2 bodies of work are very similar. The final segment in The Way of Mastery text is “Service is the Greatest Source of Joy!” And, this is a truth for me that speaks from my heart. You can find out more about The Way of Mastery by contacting the Shanti Christo Foundation. Joy is not something you attain. It is a way of being and a conscious choice. Joy is not based on the circumstances in your life. You have to source joy from the inside like extending Love. Joy is a reflection of the evolution of your soul and spiritual awareness. Joy is truly a way of being of mastery, high vibration, light, Love, deep compassion, and forgiveness! 26
Pure joy is a calling from your soul. This is why many people have quit their jobs to follow their hearts. “Because within them the soul has said: Alright, enough of that experience. I want greater joy. And, the pathway to greater joy is to join with like minds that are creating and extending contexts in which other minds can awaken” (The Way of Mastery, 2004). When our lives are committed and dedicated to others and their higher consciousness, joy is sourced organically from the depths of our being! “Service, then, is the natural outflow of a heart filled with the gratitude of grace. Masters are never found struggling to survive in something they do not like. A master has no choice but to serve—but to serve not from duty, but from joy. For the greatest joy can be to extend the good, the holy, and the beautiful” (The Way of Mastery, 2004). I know in my own life that when • EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE •
I serve others I am in bliss. When I get in my crap, isolate, and pull back I get all caught up in me. And, believe me, that is not a pretty picture! We are here to extend our light and inspire others to be their greatness. What can be more joyful than that! “If then, you resist service, it must mean that there is some seed thought within you that is in conflict with the desire to serve. For once you have achieved mastery, there is nothing else to do but serve” (The Way of Mastery, 2004). Mastery is choice just like joy is choice and abundance is choice. The master knows that lack is an illusion, a story, and victimhood. So what do you need to do to be a master? Choose “right now, to experience happiness, to experience peace, and to experience the knowledge that you are a master. For to fail to do this contracts your power to continue to expand and to create what you enjoy. To believe that you are in
lack at any time is to create lack in your tomorrows. Therefore, chose now to feel perfect abundance and joy. And then behave as one who knows they live in abundance” (The Way of Mastery, 2004). You must always follow your heart and move towards what you enjoy if you are to have the full human experience of mastery and the gift of making a difference with others. We all have different jobs, careers, relationships, cultures, and families. It doesn’t matter. We can choose to be masters in service to others as long as we are following our bliss. Extending our gifts is our birthright. We all have gifts to share. That’s why we’re here, to extend joy and Love, because we CAN! First we must embrace what is, whatever our circumstances may be. Another way of saying this is to choose your circumstances. Resistance is futile and will fuel control and suffering. Choosing what is serves as a blank canvas to create upon and inspire others to do the same. “Use then, your time to cultivate the garden of a healed mind. Never believe that you do not hold the power to
change the energy you feel in the emotional body, to change the thoughts held within the mind. You are free to birth whatever you so desire. And nothing can serve as a limit to you” (The Way of Mastery, 2004). You ARE a master of your domain! And in the oneness of mastery and your souls deepest longings, the seeds of service begin to spout in your garden of abundance, because, service to others is the greatest source of joy! Choose then to be a master NOW! Choose to be of service and inspire your fellow travelers to be the greatest they can be. There is no greater JOY! Let go of anything that smells of lack and scarcity. “For you, indeed, have birthed the physical domain itself. You might as well relax and enjoy it” (The Way of Mastery, 2006).
Bio: Dr. Rusty Stewart is the owner of Dr. Rusty’s Love Shack and Personal Growth Alternatives, LLC. He is the founder of the Soulmate Mania Summit. Rusty is a Relationship Transformation Coach, Professional Inspirational Speaker, Psychotherapist, Hypnotherapist,Breathwork Facilitator, Usui and Shamanic Reiki Master. He has been practicing successfully in his business and delivering sensational results for his audiences and clients for 14 years! www.drrustysloveshack.com www.rustystewartphd.com
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How Being a Soldier of Love = JOY By: Monique S. Murray Soldier of Love Joy Joy – A state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope. It is something or someone that provides a source of happiness. Joy isn’t just a smile or a laugh. Joy is something that is deep within and does not leave us quickly. As a Christian I often heard the scripture “Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” Neh 8:10 recited to those who have been faced with difficulty. I really never quite understood how one could find joy in the midst of sorrow or situations that totally caught them by surprise, made one feel broken or left one feeling as though they no longer had a reason to live. How do you find Joy when going through a divorce, separation, feeling of rejection, an unexpected death, financial distress or any other curveball which life throws? These are all situations where we become emotionally broken, feel totally out of control and if not handled correctly and quickly can lead down a long dark road of despair and hopelessness. On April 26th, 2015 I was hit with a curveball that left feelings of uncertainty, doubt, questions about 28
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being loved by God and experiencing a level of deceit from family and friends that had me questioning Life, Love & even God. I have always been the person who gives 100% of herself to all relationships and I believe loyalty is the greatest requirement for lasting relationships. I love hard and so when I’m wronged, I hurt hard. It cuts deep to the core of my soul because I give of myself with the expectation that others would do the same in return. I have come to learn that this is not the case with everyone and I had to seek my answers from God himself and trusted Christian mentors. I came home from Sunday service early that day to drop my two sons home and head out to a meeting. As I pulled into the driveway I noticed the vehicles of two family friends at the house. I opened the door for the boys and proceeded inside to say a quick hello to our friends. They were all in the family room and as I walked out there, I saw a little girl that was sitting on the deck jump down and run in the direction of the side gate. This was rather strange to see because none of the friends at the house had children of their own. As I went outside I noticed that my husband was also trying to get out of the yard, but unfortunately our unleashed pit bull
Khloe also ran out and he was desperately trying to catch her but his efforts were unsuccessful. As I made a U-turn to walk back into the house, I knew something was wrong. The look on the faces of our friends alone let me know that something about what was happening was not good. I left the house and got in the van so I could assist my husband with getting Khloe back inside. He was scrambling through the streets trying to get her to calm down but it wasn’t working. I opened the door to our van and motioned for her to come in, and after a few seconds she did. I was waiting for my husband to come in the van so that we could head back home, but he motioned for me to leave and said he would meet me at the house. As I’m driving back to the house, I’m wondering where the little girl was that I saw running out of the yard. Why didn’t he get in the van with me and come home? Surely something was not right here. I pulled into the driveway and waited a few seconds which seemed life forever because I couldn’t get Khloe out of the van on my own and needed him to take her in the house, I didn’t see him coming so I called his phone and when he answered I heard him say “stay right here”. I knew he had to be talking to the little girl. I told him he needed to
come get Khloe so I could make it to my meeting on time. When he came in the yard, I asked him who he was talking to and where was the child I saw running out of the yard. He gave me a story that just made absolutely no sense at all, but I had to leave if I wanted to make it to my meeting on time and told him that we would talk when I got back home. The entire 45 minute drive to the meeting, I was replaying the incident at the house, suddenly I just had the feeling that it was his child. I asked God to help me make it through the meeting without breaking down. You see I’d been married at this time for 12 years and my husband and I have been together for 22 years. The child that I saw was between the ages of 6-10. Our younger of the two boys is 10 years old. God answered my prayer and I was able to make it through the meeting without anyone suspecting something could be wrong, not one tear having been shed, but there was a pain in my heart that felt as though it was being pulled out. My drive home felt like hours and that is when the tears began to flow. As I walked in the house it was in complete darkness. I headed to the family room and he was sitting there. I asked him if there was something we needed to
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talk about and he said “Yes.” My heart felt liked it dropped to my stomach. We went into our bedroom, sat on the bed and then he began to tell me that the little girl I saw at the house earlier, was the result of the affair he had approximately eight years prior and he just didn’t know how to tell me after we separated and got back together. He apologized, but said he was never going to tell me about it and take it to his grave. How many know that God’s ways always supersede and trumps any plans we make on our own. What he thought he would keep as a secret, God exposed. I must give God thanks and praise because prior to the unveiling, He was preparing me in so many ways and on so many levels for something. I just didn’t know what it would be or the magnitude of it. We continued to have a conversation about how our life would be moving forward and what our next steps would be. Needless to say that night was one of the longest I’ve ever experienced. I cried, screamed & yelled at God asking “WHY ME???” I said “God if you are all knowing and omnipresent, then why didn’t you release me after the affair? Why could you not let me find all of this out before
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now?” The response I got from the Lord was astounding, He said “If you had found out prior to now, you would not respond in the way that you will now.” That was not the answer I wanted to hear and I certainly didn’t understand what it meant. Everything within me wanted him to feel as much pain as I was feeling. I wanted to physically hurt him and to be honest and transparent the thought of doing the worst to him went through my mind. I wanted to leave, everything within me was saying walk away and forget about the marriage, but God had different plans. For me the hardest part of the entire situation was finding out how many family and friends knew and not one of them felt I deserved the right to know. The person who has been so loyal and giving to all was left feeling deceived and betrayed in so many ways on so many levels by people I really respected. That week as I prayed and spoke with my leaders at church for guidance and spiritual strength, God also began to reveal to me that in the midst of all the turmoil, chaos and deception, He was still in control and never left me. Even though I heard it deep within I wasn’t sure it was true. I had such a desire to have
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a daughter and was so certain that our last child was a girl that I refused to find out the sex of the child before giving birth. I was disappointed to know it was a boy but he was healthy. God had questioned me about my book that I wrote and released the year prior, called Soldier of Love. The title of the book Soldier of Love was given to me by the Lord. I’ve had people ask me if I was in the military, and no I’ve never been in the military but God knew that my life has been one filled with many battles and this was another that he was preparing me to enter. As I continued to say I did not want to go through this God asked “Do you really think Soldier of Love is just the title of your book? No, Monique it is your life’s journey. You have options and you can walk away or allow me to continue to guide you through it all. The choice is up to you.” The pain seemed more intense than when it first happened because everything within me wanted to run as far away as possible but deep within my heart I knew I had to trust the God who had been there for and with me in situations before. I told God that I was willing to go through this with Him but I needed Him to accelerate my
healing and take control of my emotions right then and there if I was going to come out of this with a healed heart, sound mind and a love for this child as if she was my own. God had to reveal to me that despite the fact that I was going through this situation, it was not about me and the greater purpose would be revealed. I was reminded of promises He gave to me years prior and how all things were still working together for the good of all involved. How I would be used in the life of my husband’s daughter for her to experience the love of God that she would not have experienced otherwise, to ensure the feelings of rejection and abandonment I and so many women experience in adulthood as a result of experiences in our childhood, would not be the story that she shares and that I would experience the Joy of having a daughter that I held deep in my heart. What would end most marriages and bring devastation to the lives of all of involved, God protected and asked me to continually trust Him to guide me through it all. Within 30 days of finding out that I had a daughter, (Yes
she is my daughter, my little munchkin.) God healed the hurt and sting of the situation and she began spending weekends with us. I genuinely love her like my very own and she has captured a place within my heart in these last four months that I can’t express in words. When God says He will give us the desires of our hearts, He truly does. We often have our own way of thinking how everything in our life is supposed to work out but I’m a living testimony that God will do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we can ask, think or imagine. Our little munchkin has brought a Joy to our family and my heart that I can only give God the Glory for because without allowing His spirit to work throughout this whole situation, the outcome would be very different. I can tell anyone that Joy goes beyond our emotions or the circumstance. Joy develops within our hearts and is then outwardly expressed, no matter what comes your way. Monique S Murray Soldier of Love
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t the age of 35 I decided to embrace the warrior within. I took back my power after living in shame, fear and rejection for several years as a victim of people pleasing, a failing marriage, low self-esteem due to my educational status, and a child with behavioral challenges. My hope is to prevent a wounded teenage mindset from becoming a broken spirit in the future. Mentorship is what I thrive for and believe that it will help to unlock their full potential, optimize their leadership skills and they too will become Soldiers of Love! Website/Blog: http://www. moniquestrachan-murray.com
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Have You Seen Joy Lately? By: Tony Vear
People today don’t experience much joy. They experience relief, glee or even satisfaction but joy doesn’t show up much. How you can tell is by how much people are frustrated or the level of frustration around which their lives seem to hover. You would think people would experience joy with their romantic partner, but if they’re looking for or expecting their partner to act in certain ways or do certain things and they don’t happen the way they think they should, they end up getting frustrated, impatient and judgmental. They may question their decision to be with them in the first place and thinking more about what isn’t working than what is. From time to time people do experience joy: our child achieves a certain goal, we help someone win in an area or way that they may never have been able to without us or some of us discover our life purpose. Unfortunately, those things don’t happen to us very much. Why is that? Why is joy so missing in our lives overall? I suspect that one of the biggest reasons is that it’s not a commonly used word in the public discourse, which means it’s actually not missing for most of us because we’d have to notice it for us to be aware that we don’t have it. I’m sure that we’d all love to experience joy if we were conscious of it as an option but since we aren’t, we focus on what we understand and are familiar with: survival, frustration, fear, dissatisfaction, cynicism, resignation, desperation, lack and
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temporary relief from successfully avoiding the things we don’t want. Joy is a peak emotional state - the type that usually brings tears to the eyes, which may explain why it’s not a normal way of being for humans in the 21st century. Crying isn’t normally looked upon as a good thing - especially for men. Or in business. Or in public, period. Sure, you can cry for a moment after finding out your family member survived an airplane crash but beyond that, there’s not much of life as we know it that gives us - is designed to give us - the peak experience of joy. You could say that we don’t build joy into our lives. Maybe someone should build an app for that. Here’s how we seem to build our lives: We have goals, expectations and desires that we’re both conscious of and unconscious of. We look at all the ways we think we can imagine that can make those things happen. When we meet or exceed them, we’re happy, relieved or matter-of-fact about it, sort of an “as it should be” take-it-for-granted mindset. When we don’t meet those goals, expectations and desires, we go into frustration, sadness, grief, anger, depression, regret or whatever normally comes up for us. This is the “mental model” most of us operate inside of and it’s an “avoid pain” mentality rather than a “gain pleasure” mindset.
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In other words, a life built around avoiding pain doesn’t allow for joy to show up unless joy arrives by accident. There’s no surprise we live in an “avoiding pain” environment: the world of marketing promotes the avoidance of pain because it causes us to instinctively do things to protect ourselves and since you’re probably receiving as much as 500 marketing messages a day driven by scarcity (a form of avoiding pain - you can’t run out of things you “need”), you’d have to work hard at keeping it from dominating your life. I’m talking about marketing from every angle: the news, publications of all sorts, your Facebook newsfeed, posters, commercials, billboards - you name it, it’s trying to get you to do something NOW and the only way most of us do anything is because we feel we have to. What would it be like if you built your entire life based on the premise that you’re only going to do, accept or get involved in things that bring you joy? What if you only took jobs that brought you joy? Only had friendships that brought you joy? Only paid real attention to the things that bring you joy? How about taking this a step further: making a conscious decision to only look for the joy in everything and every situation? It’s not like you’d have to be naive or have a Pollyanna mindset but you can find joy in almost anything you choose to pay attention to. Here’s why: joy has
Think about everything your romantic partner has ever done for you that you loved from the first meeting until right this second. You may not have been living a joyous life before now, but you don’t have any more excuses for not doing it anymore because this entire article was created to help you see that you get to choose joy or something else. Joy, it turns out, is an inside job. You can allow yourself to live a life of joy. But if you don’t, just remember: it’s your choice.
four qualities that guarantee its existence in any and every situation you can find yourself in. Those qualities are: It’s everywhere It’s never going to run out It’s always only Joy You can turn anything into Joy 1.
Joy is Everywhere:
Joy has a lot in common with radio frequencies in that it is the same on earth as it is in any other area of the known universe because it’s a vibration. Wherever you are, so is joy whether you tune into it or not. In other words, there’s no place you can go where joy is not. 2.
Joy is Never Going To Run Out:
It’s not possible to run out of joy because it has been in existence before man showed up on this planet and will continue to exist long after this planet and humanity no longer exists because it’s not a human thing - it’s a spiritual thing. Spirit doesn’t create manufacturing companies to make sure we have our supply of joy or other vibratory items such as love, grace or patience. They exist in a form that’s impossible for them to run out because like a smile, the more you give, the more it creates. 3.
It’s Always Only Joy:
If you’re feeling something other than joy, it’s not because joy isn’t available but because you’re feeling or focusing on something other than joy. Joy is still available - you’re just not connected to it. 4. Joy:
You Can Turn Anything Into
Admittedly, this can be a challenge: a death in the family, home foreclosure or lost limb is not something that normally inspires calls for extreme happiness and great feelings. However, you don’t have to turn everything into joy - you just need to know that you can. If you look for it long enough, joy can and will show up even if it’s only from the lessons you gain from loss. Which brings me back to the concept of consciously choosing a life of joy and looking for the joy in everything. Just because you don’t see joy doesn’t mean it’s not there. It only means you don’t see it. So, look for it. Look for things that would make you cry if you really thought about it. Think about how fortunate you are to have the people in your life actually be in your life. Think about the lessons you’ve gotten from the life experiences you didn’t like yet those lessons made your entire life better.
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Tony Vear is a Coach specializing in the areas of love, relationships, communication and life purpose. He’s also a writer, speaker, program leader and program creator who’s been coaching and leading educational programs more than 10 years. In addition to coaching, Tony delivers teleseminars and live workshops designed to help people create the relationship of their dreams with the partner of their dreams and also, be a match for what they want. For daily relationship tips, visit Tony Vear’s Relationship Advice page on Facebook.
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Joy of Fitness
by: Annette Padilla
Fitness is a combination of the physical, the mental, the emotional and the spiritual body. The physical body is the moving part — that’s the easy one. But getting the cooperation from the emotional and mental body is a whole different issue, isn’t it? And once those three components are matched and applied in the fitness arena, the spiritual body inspires and electrifies the rest of the process, resulting in an immense and undeniable joy in fitness. To many, the thought of getting fit goes far beyond a ‘chore.’ Like driving in a car, the thoughts travel past Sweat St. and Pain Place, Fitness Gear Lane and Fitbit Tracker Hwy., and at 90mph the thoughts get shoved headlong into “What if I fail, people are going to be staring at me, I don’t know how to use the equipment, I’m too embarrassed to ask for help, I’m fat again after my lap band surgery and can’t hire a trainer cause they’ll find out, I have Lupus there’s no way I can do anything,” cesspool of Emotional Duress Circle.
2. “People are going to be staring at me,” can be, “Everybody stares at everybody anyway so I guess that won’t matter much.” 3. “I have Lupus there’s no way,” can turn into, “I wonder if there’s a trainer out there who knows how to work with my condition.” And with a good star for deliberately changing your thoughts creating a new belief you’re off and running! Good step!
You get online and search out a personal trainer whose reviews “aren’t too shabby” you say. And due to a bad experience with hiring a trainer in the past who didn’t work out for you and with 100% cynicism, you scroll just to find a bad review to no avail. So you give that trainer a call. (Watch out you’re nurturing a new belief system here!) You two agree on a day and time to meet and again another surprise, this trainer actually talks to you like you’re a human and not another dollar. Trainer spends good time with you and for the first time in your But you don’t have to park your car there. Again. And life you are taken through a fitness evaluation to include by the way, how’s that been working for you? being asked of past injuries, surgeries. You really feel like you matter to this trainer who by the way, seems to To do something different, one has got to be different. know her craft. And to be different it starts with what they believe about any given thing. A belief is just a thought you keep Training ensues and after just two weeks of meeting thinking, much like religion. Each religion believes they twice a week you have found that your butt, although are the best way for everybody, right? It’s because they visible and proud, has never really worked until your were raised with this thought and it got ingrained. It’s a trainer showed you how to use it. Lo and behold, you repeated thought they keep thinking resulting in their just noticed your low back pain no longer exists. Your belief. And in fitness, beliefs can be changed by chang- trainer observed the confused look on your face and ing the pattern of thought. For example: asks why. You tell them about the absence of the back pain. Your trainer gets a grin like the Cheshire Cat and 1. “I can’t,” can get nudged into, “Well maybe I can look says, “It’s because we turned on your glutes.” “Turned on into a personal trainer online and just read their re- my glutes?” “Yeah — your butt!” Your trainer gives you views.” the whole picture in 30 seconds of explanation that you 34
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actually do understand and now you’re feeling more trust in your trainer because you’re seeing results. Then you go out and buy a new workout outfit and new shoes. (Don’t look now, you’re falling in love with the process!) A little while back you graduated from your trainer because they taught you well and you believed it was time to go to a big box gym. You’re taking classes that you pack your bags for and take to work. You’re doing exercises that you never thought you could do let alone even think about doing, and you look forward to the soreness. (Whose thought process and beliefs have changed now!?) You see gym time as a treat and look forward to it with so much excitement you text your trainer and squeal with so much joy that you just finished a treadmill workout they wrote for you that when on your first day you couldn’t get past the first five minutes.
gravy of it all? Your spiritual body, who’s been chomping at the bit in anticipation to help you, is now allowed by you to now inspire and electrify your fitness journey. The immense and undeniable joy of fitness is created by you, for you, to you, because of you.
Your beliefs have changed. Your emotional and mental bodies have finally joined your physical body and they’re all shakin’ it at the fitness party. And the true • EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE •
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ASK THE MEDIATOR by: Penny M. Polokoff-Kreps ASK THE MEDIATOR
ly limited to issues of child custody and visitation (not applicable to all states). In many states it is mandatory Q. I’m getting divorced and I am not sure if I should use to attend mediation before the judge will hear a case. a mediator or an attorney. How do you decide which is Private mediation is simply mediation that is initiated best? by the parties themselves with the intention to negotiate custody, visitation, and all of the financial matters as A. A mediator is a good choice in a divorce when both they relate to the case. parties are willing to negotiate a settlement. You may want to hire an attorney to understand your legal rights Q. Is mediation expensive? and clear up issues that are still very stressful between you and your spouse. Lawyers are allowed to attend me- A. Generally speaking, mediation can be a much more diation to support their clients through the process as affordable option for most families. It takes less time long as both parties agree. and the hourly rate is considerably lower than that of A mediator does not give legal advice or make decisions; adversarial litigation. Most courts offer court-sponrather he/she listens to the issues at hand and helps the sored mediation that follows income guidelines. A priparties to come to an agreement. Mediators can help vate mediator may charge $100 to a few hundred dollars to create a partial agreement where some issues get re- per hour for their services. solved and the rest go before a judge or they can work with couples on all of the issues to create a completed Q. Do I have to speak in front of my spouse? We had agreement. issues of domestic violence in our marriage? Q. Can my agreement be changed if my circumstances A. Mediation can be conducted with the mediator as the change? go-between in separate rooms to allow open discussion and feelings to be expressed without the risk of retaliaA. In the mediation agreement there is always room tion. Some people prefer to speak face to face and have for a ‘post-agreement modification’. The purpose of the a dialogue. There is nothing wrong with either style. agreement is to provide a blueprint for how you and It is more important that the parties work together to your spouse will behave after your divorce in terms of solve their problems and resolve their issues together, finances, parenting, visitation, and dissolution of as- depending on what the individuals prefer. sets. As children grow or incomes change there may be a need to revisit some of the issues. A mediator is Q. How can I be sure the mediator will not take my an affordable option for making these changes to your spouse’s side? agreement. A. Mediators are trained to be neutral and impartial. The Q. What’s the difference between court-ordered media- job of the mediator is to empower you and your spouse tion and private mediation? to work out the best agreement for your situation, given your unique circumstances. The mediator will never deA. Court-ordered mediation is mediation that is or- cide on your case nor will they tell you what you should dered by the judge presiding on your case, and is usual- do or what your legal rights are in the process. 36
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Q. How do I choose a good mediator? A. The best place to start to find a good mediator is to ask people you know and trust for a referral. You can interview a mediator or have a pre-suit consultation to be sure they are the right person to work with you on your divorce. Q. How long will my divorce take? A. Every divorce is different, as is every marriage. In general, mediation should take less time than a courtroom-or lawyer represented case. Mediation can be done in one day or it can be broken up into shorter sessions to accommodate your needs. Q. When is the right time to call a mediator? A. You should call a mediator once you and your spouse have decided to have a peaceful or respectful divorce. Once you agree on that, the hard part is over. Congratulations on making a smart and courageous decision to handle the matter of your divorce maturely.
Penny M. Polokoff-Kreps is a family mediator in Florida, practicing in Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties. She is a consultant and speaker focused on keeping love alive through life’s ups and downs, and she is available for consultation at peeny@evolvedconversations.com or by phone 561.693.7447
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Ringing The Joy Bell Through The Holidays By: Dr. Pekola Roberts The way to maintain your ability to ring your own JOY BELL is to honor your body, mind and spirits’ need for REST. After all, Rest is a Spiritual thing! Those who pursue us are at our heals; we are weary and find no rest. Lamentations 5:5 Have you ever said, “If I can just make it to the holidays, then I’m going to get some rest?” Or how about, “Honey, I am going to sleep in tomorrow morning.” Have you ever heard those words or similar quotes? I have made them and heard others say the same thing. The reality is, when the holidays come, we are so busy planning for family and friends that we don’t sleep in or get adequate rest and renewal. We’ve become a culture suffering from Chronic Fatigue and when we combine this with the season that is meant for joy and a celebration of our loved ones-it’s a recipe for our JOY BELL to stop ringing. In the United States we recognize and celebrate 36 national holidays per year. These holidays include Flag Day, Christmas, Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day and Thanksgiving. Just think, out of 365 days, 36 days are already labeled stressful holidays. This does not include birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, funerals and all of the other miscellaneous celebrations that somehow fill our calendars and add to our stress. It is no wonder that we don’t get enough rest. We really don’t know how to celebrate holidays correctly. We neglect resting on our days off. We stretch ourselves to the point of snapping. Something must give. I’m sad to say it is usually our mental, physical or spiritual health. This is not God’s way. As we dig into the Word of God, we see that God intended for His people to observe holidays by honoring him and also taking time to rest.
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It has been noted by Prevention Magazine that eleven million people have been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD.) This disorder is caused by the stress of the holidays. As a result of too much stress, one may experience the onset of ups and downs (more than likely, more downs than ups.) How to keep your Joy Bell Ringing • Don’t allow others to determine how many
parties and holiday celebrations you will attend. We have learned the hard way that we cannot attend every party and buy everyone a gift. It is not feasible. It is exhausting, not to mention expensive
•Have a family meeting to plan your holiday schedule by determining what you will do and when you will do it. • Each year, rediscover the real reason for the season. Spend some quiet time with God. You will be surprised at the results when you bake Jesus a birthday cake and have a party with him as the guest of honor. • Create your holiday menu in advance and cook or bake at your leisure • Exercise: Whenever you can-FIT IT IN! This can be a strong antidote to keep that inner joy bell ringing • Delegate: Don’t try to do it all yourself • On your list: Make sure you add things like: Time to REST • Laugh, enjoy life and have a wonderful time • Be sure to feel and express your love
wants the BEST HOLIDAY SEASON for YOU and you will experience it. Ring JOY BELLS... RING!!! Ringing the Joy bell of Prayer… The gift that keeps on giving in my life is PRAYER. The best gift I have ever received for Christmas came as a result of PRAYER. When our 3 year old son Eddie was asked, what he wanted for Christmas, his reply was, “A baby Sistah and a pair of tennis shoes”! Knowing that I could not guarantee a birth on December 25th, neither could I promise our son a baby sister, I started bargaining with him. I would say, a train would be a nice gift for Christmas and He would say, “Nope, a baby SISTAH and a pair of tennis shoes.” I talked to him, my husband Elisha David talked to him and one day I pulled out the big gun...my mother called and talked to him. On the day of that call, that 3 year old son of ours stamped his feet, jumped up and down shouting, “I PRAYED FOR A BABY SISTAH AND TENNIS SHOES FOR CHRISTMAS. YOU TOLD ME GOD ANSWERS PRAYER. THAT’S MY PRAYER.” How did I respond? I started praying for a baby girl for Christmas. Needless to say, at 5:45am, on 25 December 1979, I gave birth to a beautiful Baby Girl. We named her Davola...first 3 letters of David and the last 3 letters of Pekola. Yes, Prayer is a gift that gives and keeps on giving. Davola grew into a beautiful young lady. She has given me many gifts down through the years. However, her greatest gifts to me are another son, Johnell through marriage and 2 Super Fantastic grandchildren. JD and JaLani are joyful delights and shine light wherever they go. I love Davola and enjoy sharing Christmas Day with her. I remind her every year that it is Jesus’ Birthday and she reminds me that she should get a Christmas and Birthday gift. Thank God for The gift of PRAYER, a gift that keeps on giving.
• Keep a good attitude when tensions are running high. Try to stay positive. Remember that this, too, shall pass. Utilizing these simple steps will provide a foundation to stand on as you Ring Your Joy Bells throughout the holidays. One may ask, “How Might I feel when my Joy Bells are ringing”? Good question! Many have embraced the comfort of sadness for so long, thinking and reading about JOY is off limits. I contend that JOY is a God-Given right. Babies are born joyful. YOU were born with JOY ringing in and through your laughter. Uncover your Joy. Identify goodness and allow it to shine through. Take time and celebrate happiness and well-being. You will feel contentment. You will know that God
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PEKOLA ROBERTS, Major, Chaplain Corps, United States Army (Ret), MDIV, DMIN BACHELORS DEGREE 1978 - Interdenominational Theological SeminaryMASTERS OF DIVINITY 1998 - Panama City Theological Seminary - Awarded Doctor of Humanities August 1, 2011 - Retired after 25 years of Faithful Service to God and Country. Ambassador, Ardyss International Health and Wellness Company AUTHOR: Dancing for God After 50, Rest is a Spiritual Thing, Sick and Tired A Practical Prescription ( co- authored with late husband Elisha Roberts) References provided upon request
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EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE TO BE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR IN EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE CONTACT: Christina Marie www.peacefulheartspeacefulhomes.com 877-58-EXPAND (877-583-9726)
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