X Volume 1
Number 1
November 2010
PANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE " It take’s a Village to raise a child." -Ancient African Proverb
THE VANREYMERSDAL FAMILY
STEPFAMILIES
*Money Costs
* Embrace the
Holidays
The Emotional Meaning of Money
The Step Family Way
* How to Handle
*What is P. A. S? Parent Alienation Syndrome?
Strong-Willed Children
How does it impact children?
THE GARLINGTON
FAMILY
OPEN ADOPTIVE
Xpanded (Expanded) Family Defined- Xpanded (or expanded) family-is any group who declares themselves to be a family. Legal and biological ties may be there, however, not necessary within the expanded family dynamic.
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
See Inside for: • Fitness • Nutrition • Balance• And More •
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VOLUME 1
HEALTH
What Does indoor tanning have to do with Vitamin D?
Exposure to UVB from sunshine is the body’s natural way to produce vitamin D, accounting for 90 percent of vitamin D production. Dietary “supplements” are just that: Supplemental ways to produce vitamin D. Research has shown that people who utilize indoor tanning equipment that emits UVB – which most tanning equipment does – also produce vitamin D. And studies have also shown that indoor tanning clients have higher vitamin D blood levels than non-tanners. While the North American indoor tanning industry promotes itself as a cosmetic service, one undeniable side-effect of that cosmetic service is vitamin D production. Even though it is not necessary to develop a tan to produce vitamin D, this should be considered: Because research suggests that the risks associated with sun exposure are related to intermittent sunburns, it is credible to believe that the benefits of regular, moderate non-burning exposure outweigh the easily manageable risks associated with overexposure. New research on breast cancer, prostate cancer, ovarian cancer, colon cancer, heart disease, multiple sclerosis and other deadly diseases — research that shows that regular sun exposure may play a key part in preventing the onset or retarding the growth of these deadly diseases — supports the position that moderate sun exposure, for those of us who can develop a tan, is the best way to maximize the potential benefits of sun exposure while minimizing the potential risks of either too much or too little exposure. Darker-skinned individuals may need 5-10 times more exposure than a fair-skinned person to make the same amount of vitamin D. In northern climates sunlight is too weak in parts of the year to make any vitamin D – a period referred to as ‘Vitamin D Winter’. Ultraviolet light exposure from the sun or from an indoor tanning unit is essential for human health, and getting it in a non-burning fashion is the smartest way. The professional indoor tanning industry promotes and teaches what we refer to as The Golden Rule of Smart Tanning: Don’t ever sunburn. For the past decade, the indoor tanning industry has been more effective at teaching sunburn prevention than those who promote complete sun avoidance. Since the mid-1990s, tanning industry research has supported what millions of indoor tanners have known all along: that non-tanners sunburn outdoors more often than people who tan indoors.
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XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
TABLE OF CONTENTS
VOLUME 1
“There are 35 million Americans in the US today who are remarried and an additional 36 million Americans who are divorced or widowed (possibly finding themselves in a remarriage at some point)” US census, 2007. 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce; U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006. It is estimated, by this year, 2010, the majority of families in the US will be stepfamilies. Larry L Bumpass- a professor of the University of Wisconsin states “50% of ALL women, not just mothers, are likely to live in a stepfamily relationship, when we include living-together families in our definition of the stepfamily.” Faces of Open Adoption By: Marshall and Julie Garlington
Our “Open faces of adoption” article skims the surface of this family’s ability to love. Each of their three children are incredbile. We picked one beautiful story from this family and they have so much more to offer! PAGE 4
Provoking Beauty By: Dr. Elizabeth Webb
Dr Elizabeth Webb Phd uses her 20 years of experience as a Homeopathic, Spiritual/Emotional counsler to take us down a gentle path towards understanding inner beauty with her article: “Creating inner beauty will overwhelm our fear and resentment” PAGE 6
Embracing the Holidays By: Claudette Chenevert
Claudette Chenevert, our certified Relationship and Stepfamily Coach offers guidance on how to “Embrace the Holidays, the Stepfamily Way” she challenges us to consider the possibility of creating something new, potentially more in line with our individual families needs. PAGE 7
At the End of the Day By: Leah Stauffer
Our closing Article “At the end of the day” by Leah Stauffer is our consciousness close. Leah offers valuable insight into ourselves and how our selfknowledge can bring us to a deeper understanding of others.PAGE 28
Post-Marital Co-Parenting Agreements By: Christina Marie
“Post-Marital Agreements making New Ones is an experiential article that most expanded family members will grasp and hopefully be able to utilize during their next potential breakdown! PAGE 10
Parent Alienation By: Amy J.L. Baker
Dr Amy Baker PhD provides us with preventive measures as it relates to Parent Alienation Syndrome. This is a clinical term that was developed as expanded families become the norm. PAGE 12
Self Care and the Art of Balance By: Gail Wright
Gail Wright shares her strategy for maintaining a balanced life and offers an opportunity to use a balance wheel our readers can create to match what balance is for them. PAGE 15
No Questions Unanswered By: Mcenzie Ballou
McKenzie Ballou’s “No question unanswered” is eloquently written. McKenzie shares his experience and transformation from the 7 year old boy who experienced his parents divorce, to the 32 year old man he is today. Exquisite. PAGE 17
Seasoned Parents and Grandparents Various
Our seasoned Xpanded family members’ pages provide readers with insight into challenges people face and the wisdom they have acquired through time and experience. PAGE 18
Vanreysmerdal Family Interview
The Vanreysmerdal family interview depicts their high regard for family values, clear boundaries and questions asked prior to merging, that may be of great value to those in the “living together” stage of transitioning into an expanded family. PAGE 20
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Dear Xpanded Family Magazine Readers, I am very proud to present our first issue! Our intention is to provide expanded families with information, education and resources just as unique as the families themselves. We selected two featured families who we fee l embody an expanded way of living. We’ve also selected some of the finest people we know to write articles for our first issue.
Truth About Exercise By: Dwyane Wimmer
In “Truths about Exercise, Dispelling Myths and Misconceptions” we hear Kelly McCauley, a mother and assistant manager at Vertex fitness introduce Dwayne Wimmer, the owner of Vertex fitness. Dwayne’s uses his many years as a Personal Trainer to dispell two important myths. PAGE 22
Children Letters Various
Our youngest, most adorable contributors; Cameron, Emma and Austin use their pure hearts and share what they love about being an expanded family member as well as, what they don’t love about it. Their words are simple and pure and it seems clear, they have a natural expanded love for their families and people in general. PAGE 14 and 29
Nutrition By: Kristen Rubin
Kristen Rubin uses her education from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition in Manhattan and combines it with her experience as a mother of four to lead us into a fun way to enroll our children into enjoying food and good nutrition. PAGE 24
Money Costs By: Kay Lesh
In “Money Costs, the emotional meaning of money”, Dr Key Lesh Phd address’s the emotional attachment and complexity of our individual relationship to money. She gives us something to consider in terms of how different people’s relationship to money can be. PAGE 25
How to Handle Strong-Willed Children By: Claudette Chenevert
In “How to handle strong willed Children”, Claudette provides parents with an excellent tool to use that may turn a strong willed child into an empowered child with decision making skills. PAGE 9
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
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VOLUME 1
ADOPTION
FACES OF OPEN ADOPTION
A
By: Marshall and Julie Garlington
fter we endured seven miscarriages in our attempt to have a second child, we turned to adoption. At our first meeting with the adoption agency we learned that most U.S. adoptions these days are considered "open adoptions" which means, roughly, that the birthmother and the adoptive parents have met in person. The degree of openness can range from a one-time meeting to on-going contact, which is often agreed upon by the adoptive parents and the birthmother. To many people, “Open” Adoption sounds like a scary concept.
To us, it sounded scary too. We attended a seminar at the agency on Open Adoption. We listened to one family’s story of how they met and bonded with their child’s birthmother and how that relationship blossomed over time. After the seminar, I could picture myself in their shoes. Open Adoption didn’t seem so scary anymore. I made a twenty-four page scrapbook of our lives, to be shown to potential birthmothers at the adoption agency. And we waited. More than a year passed before we got a call from the agency. They said a girl had chosen us to be the parents of her unborn baby. Her name was Alexa and she wanted to meet us. XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
We met her at the adoption agency, and her Social Worker interviewed us with a list of questions that would help Alexa get to know us better and decide if she still wanted us to parent her child. We felt such an immediate connection to her during that meeting. After we left we got a call from her Social Worker. Alexa had felt a connection to us too. During Alexa’s last trimester we got together with her frequently. We enjoyed getting to know her better. She and I exchanged screen names and began to Instant Message and email each other. That is how we became really close. And it was no longer just about a baby. It was about Alexa too. And we became friends. And I started to love her. I could no longer picture saying goodbye to her after the baby’s birth.
ADOPTION
How could I get to know and love this person, who was giving us the greatest gift one person can give another... only to turn around and say, “Thank you. Have a nice life. I’ll send you pictures.” We knew we wanted her to continue to be a part of our lives. For the baby. For her. For us. With her due date around the corner, she invited us to attend the birth. Days before she was scheduled to be induced, I contracted Chicken Pox. Marshall had to attend the birth without me. He cut the cord, took video and pictures, and spent time with the baby on his first day of life. We picked the name, “Seamus” which Alexa really liked. While she had the option of picking her own name for him to go on his original birth certificate, she wrote the name we had chosen. The next day Marshall stayed home so Alexa could have the entire day alone with Seamus. We returned to the hospital the day they were scheduled to be discharged. Due to my Chicken Pox, I was not allowed in the maternity ward. Rather than having the baby handed over to us in the parking lot of the hospital, we took Alexa with us and brought her home. We had lunch with her and spent a few hours with her at her house. We needed that time and I think she did too.
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I changed Seamus out of his hospital outfit, blanket and bracelet and gave those to Alexa.
She attended his baptism. We attended her graduation. We adopted once more and Alexa came to my baby shower.
When it was time to leave, Alexa walked us to our car and we strapped Seamus into his car seat. She and I held each other and cried. Leaving Alexa and driving away with Seamus was one of the hardest things we ever had to do. Still, it was nothing compared to what Alexa had to go through.
The thing is, she is a part of our family now. She is related to our son, so she is related to us. We thank God for Alexa and how He chose to send us Seamus through her. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Seamus will never have to wonder if Alexa loves him. He knows she does. And he loves her too. At age 4 and 1/2, he’s just starting to realize that while we all love “Miss Alexa”, he has an extra special bond with her. He knows he was born to her, just like his big brother was born to me.
Three weeks later we got together with Alexa at the adoption agency. It was good to see her again, but it felt so formal seeing her at the adoption agency, in the presence of her Social Worker. Since that time, we’ve continued to get together with Alexa every few months at our home. She attended the final adoption hearing, so she could sit with us and be there for Seamus.
WATCH VIDEO!
http://www.ilovepurplemorethanyou.com XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
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VOLUME 1
INNER BEAUTY
Creating inner beauty
will overwhelm our fear and resentment By: Dr Elizabeth Webb PhD. As parents, we are explorers in search of the ever-evolving truth, or so we say. That truth places us on a path to “Inner Beauty”, and no doubt it is happening faster and faster these days and with no exception, to all of us! And this is one of the fastest evolutionary paths we have ever been on. However, what may provoke controversy is that we desperately need someone to have enough courage and enough love to tell it as it is, and to invite us to see things from a different perspective, someone to help us see beyond the fear and resentment. But seeing this “Inner Beauty” is utterly at odds with conventional wisdom. We are so desensitized to beauty, because of all the “deadening of our feelings” through violence, and we are unable to relate to anything gentle and kind....beautiful and deep! Also the other aspect of this is that we are caught in the matrix of only being tough and strong through acts of confrontation. There is even more power and beauty in gentleness and kindness, but because our senses and hearts are numbed, we just can’t feel vulnerable, and in this case, vulnerability is to be alive and full of trust and energy! To cultivate happiness and a determination to practice an aggressive form of gratitude that systematically identifies the things that are working well, this construct of “Creating Inner Beauty” is not a soothing diversion meant for timid Pollyanna’s strung out on optimistic delusions. It is not a feel good New Age fantasy used to deny the harsh facts of existence. On the contrary, while creating inner beauty, we build our optimism not through repression of difficulty, but rather a vigorous engagement with it. We understand that the best way to attract blessings is to grapple with the knottiest enigmas. Each fresh puzzle is a potential source of future bliss and “Inner Beauty” - an exciting teaching that may usher us to our next breakthrough. ~~~~~
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
EMBRACE HOLIDAYS
VOLUME 1
PAGE 7 When people attach too much importance to the WAY events and gatherings should be happening rather than focusing on the sharing of the experience, people tend to be disappointed and angry. Expectations are not met, tempers flair and there goes another Christmas with someone in tears.
Embracing the Holidays: The Stepfamily Way By: Claudette Chenevert We all have our vision of what the holidays look like-the family sitting together, all happily enjoying the Thanksgiving dinner, or being all together opening Christmas presents and everyone having a good time. Norman Rockwell’s photos are often associated with what traditional holidays are like. But sometimes those images are just that, images that we created in our heads. They don’t reflect the more than half of the population that are in some form of extended and stepfamily. How do you celebrate the holidays when children share two homes, two sets of parents and four sets of grandparents? How do you decide what is important, who to see and the manner in which to celebrate? When the holidays come around, unfortunately, there is a lot of stress and worry about what to do and where to go. It is a time that is often emotionally charged. Good and bad times are remembered. You start to think of all the things that need to be done. You have a long laundry list that never ends. What should you get everyone for Christmas? How much should we be spending? What about the other parent? Do we give them a gift? Who should pay? The list can go on and on. If you don’t take the time to think about it in advance, things easily get out of hand and then you feel as if the holidays are a nightmare.
Start by determining what the holidays mean for you. How important is it that you celebrate it on a specific day? Many of us want to relive the family traditions of how Christmas or Thanksgiving was celebrated. It brings joy to our heart. But for others it may not. By taking the time to discuss what your ideal holiday would look like, you might be surprised that it’s not at all what you thought. Children, especially older ones, may be just as happy to stay put than to travel for long hours from one place to another. It is important to know what each person would ideally want to do, so that other parents and family members can be part of the discussion and come up with alternate plans. It takes a lot more preparation and planning when stepfamilies celebrate the holidays. Each parent wants to share in having their children with them for that special time, and yet no one can be everywhere at once. This is when flexibility is crucial. Stepfamilies that learn the art of flexibility tend to have happier and more satisfied family lives. They learn to cope with things that are really important to them and let go of the rest. They focus on what their values are and live by them. This doesn’t mean that you forgo your needs and wants, but take into consideration that maybe there are ways to compromise and share.
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
Holidays are meant for families to come together and enjoy some peaceful and quality time. It was never meant to be a rollercoaster ride of trying to do everything and to please everyone in the short time that it lasts. But for others, it’s a time of sadness. In stepfamilies, the holidays often remind everyone that things are different, that they are not like they use to be. It’s a reminder for the kids that their parents are no longer living together and that they often need to be spending time going from one place to another. Understand that creating a family is a process that includes spending time together, developing and sharing goals, rituals and traditions. When you spend a lot of time with each other, you develop an “inner knowing” of how people will generally react to certain thing. It creates a sense of being a part of the family. Communicate with one another, what your desires for the holidays are. You might be surprised at just how different the desires of others are. Often, women will create elaborate gatherings in hopes of pleasing everyone, when all the kids really wanted was some fun and peaceful time together. Try to coordinate your plans with the other parent so that not all gatherings happen on the same day. There is nothing worst than getting somewhere and then realizing that time is up and we need to be somewhere else. What is the point? Extend the holiday cheer over a few days. Use the holiday season to reconnect and renew your relationships. Being flexible is really the key to creating lasting and loving relationships. Stepfamilies that are more flexible in their day-to-day lives tend to have higher levels of joy and satisfaction in their lives.
PAGE 8 Make a commitment at year end to spend more quality time with each other, to get to know your children as individuals as opposed to extensions of a parent, and continue to grow as a family. When we share the task of preparing for an event, in creating a new tradition, or developing a new ritual, everyone feels as if they have a stake in the process and feels as if they own it. It creates a feeling of attachment to the event and a wanting to participate. Include the children in the decision process. Ask them what they would like to have, and what is a “must” have. When everyone’s needs and desires are heard, participation is higher. As you start to prepare and get ready, keep in mind what you are striving for. Is it family connections and sharing, or is it that Norman Rockwell poster? Are you trying to impress others with your culinary talents or really enjoying a meal that everyone will enjoy? Focus on what is really important and forget the rest. Keep your expectations realistic. Ask yourself if whatever you are organizing is in line with what everyone is really wants. Help children to show their appreciation to all parent figures in their lives by making a card, getting a gift or baking some goodies. This demonstrates to the child that you honor the fact that they have another parent who doesn’t live with them on a daily basis. If this parent is not alive or cannot be located, have them write a letter to put away in a special place. This helps the child to express their feelings without really needing to give it to the parent. It releases the emotions from inside the child, enabling them to enjoy the celebrations.
VOLUME 1 Always remember: when you communicate and share what is really the best for the children, all they ask is to be loved and cared for by their parents and their stepparents. They wish to be free of the loyalty issues that plague children from stepfamilies, decisions become clear. Help the children see there are many ways of celebrating special moments in life. Teach them learning to adjust and adapt to create something new and meaningful is a part of life. Life is not always easy, but when children know that their parents are there to take care of them, rather than children taking care of their parents needs, we create a generation of parents that will in turn learn to cherish and embrace the holidays in a whole new way.
For More Information:
HTTP:// COACHINGSTEPS.COM XFM recognizes every holiday.
Take the time to look inside yourself and determine how you really feel about the holidays. When we deny any past hurtful emotions, refuse to acknowledge that we may be feeling sad and lonely, we react to things that had nothing to do with the situation. We are brought back emotionally to a time and place that we are the only ones that know about, leaving others confused. Discuss with someone close to you what your true feelings are, and find some way of taking care of the hurt. This could be the year when you actually start to enjoy the holidays again and find that peace of mind.
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
EMBRACE HOLIDAYS
STRONG-WILLED CHILDREN
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How to Handle Strong-Willed Children By: Claudette Chenevert
What do you do when you are getting ready to leave for work and your 5-year-old decides that she doesn't want to go to daycare today? Or you've just prepared your 3-year-old his favorite cereal, only to have him throw it on the floor and then complain that this was not what he wanted, and that he doesn't like this anymore.
Like anything we do, it takes practice, dedication and determination to achieve success. Remember the first time you used a new computer program or a new phone? You needed to get information, read up on it and practice. Sometimes we do things so automatically that we forget that we had to take the time to learn about it in order to feel comfortable.
Dealing with strong-willed children can take a lot out of us. It’s not easy to deal with power struggles in a way that won’t diminish our children's self-esteem, or even our own sanity and stress levels. We are often in a hurry to get out the door while trying to deal with rebellious children who couldn’t care less what we ask of them. We often see this with children that feel insecure, or feel they don’t belong – for example children of divorce and/or stepchildren. Many parents feel intimidated by strong-willed children, especially if the children don't live there on a regular basis.
The good news is that we don’t need to be perfect. As long as you are trying to do your best, and learning from your experience, that is a great lesson to show our kids.
Feelings of guilt and shame tend to influence parenting styles. With more and more families being dual income households, parents may not be able to be around enough to actually enforce a guideline of conduct for their children, therefore either giving too much power to children that do not know how to handle it, or sometimes no power at all and they feel trapped. Feelings of being exhausted and overwhelmed don’t help in making good parenting decisions. We often spend a lot of time and money learning skills that will help us in our work, improve ourselves in sports and even in our hobbies. But many parents don’t spend the same energy in improving their parenting skills. Raising respectful and responsible children doesn’t have to be overwhelming and all consuming. Children need and thrive best when they understand what they are allowed and expected to do within very clear and defined guidelines. Today’s generation is one where options are almost endless. Not knowing what to do in certain situations is often a common feeling among parents, especially stepparents that come into the lives of children that already have their routine established.
------------------------------------Handling strong-willed children by helping them make choices where everyone is happy may transform your child and the atmosphere in your household. -------------------------------------
One secret in avoiding power struggles with a strong-willed child can be to share the power by giving them choices. Whenever kids feel they have no power, or that they have no voice, that is when they will rebel. When they feel they have no control over what they want to eat, how to dress, when to do their homework or when to play, they react by throwing tantrums, or by refusing to do what was asked of them, or by talking back. Sharing our power doesn’t mean letting them do what they want, but rather giving them choices. Effective Strategies for choice giving: 1. Give two choices that you will be happy with, no matter which one they choose. Important: Give choices when things are going well, not in the middle of an argument. Waiting when you are upset, tired or overwhelmed will not be effective and you might end up not happy with the choices you gave. The trick is to give choices when you are able to think about it in a constructive and effective manner.
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
2. Choices should have a time limit. The longer they have, the longer they will take. Decide beforehand how long you will give, and please don’t count to 3 or 7 or 10 because for sure, they will wait until the last possible moment and then you’re sure to be more upset. So if the child doesn’t make a decision within let’s say 10 seconds, then just let them know that you will decide for them and act upon it. Don’t say “OK. This time, I’ll let you off the hook. But next time I won’t.” The children will test you for sure on it. If the children know with 100% certainty that you will act upon what you say, the chances are that they will make their decision sooner. When you decide for kids, they will often come back to you and say that they really wanted something different. Then a power struggle starts. The best thing for you to do is to stay calm and deliver them a one-liner. A one-liner is your key to avoid engaging in power struggles. Examples of one-liner are: “I know!” or “I love you too much to argue” or “Nice Try”. This helps you to stay out of the argument. Staying calm is key. Raising responsible and respectful children is not easy, but as parents, we can definitely make a difference in our children’s lives by helping them to feel that they also have a say in what goes on in the home, and that they have a voice and can make their own decisions. This is a valuable skill that they will need in the future as students, in the workforce and in their personal lives. Handling strong-willed children by helping them make choices where everyone is happy may transform your child and the atmosphere in your household.
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VOLUME 1
AGREEMENTS
Post- Marital co-parenting Agreements:
Making New Ones By: Chrstina Marie
When people with children decide to separate and divorce, they make what is known within the Xpanded Family community as “post-marital agreements.”Those agreements can be written legal documentation (child support/custody) as well as verbal emotional agreements (agreements we make verbally as partners about to leave one another.) Sometimes, it’s those verbal emotional agreements that create the most problems within the Xpanded family dynamics. For instance: Susan and Chuck agreed verbally, not legally, while in the midst of their divorce, that Susan would always have Christmas morning throughout their children’s young lives. Chuck agreed “in the moment.” A few years later, as Chuck moved into his Xpanded life, Chuck made a request that Susan allow him one Christmas morning before the children became older. Susan felt deeply betrayed and violated that Chuck had even made this request. Susan also assumed it was Chuck’s new wife leading him to make this request, so that brought Susan’s betrayal feelings up a few notches. She felt Chuck had allowed his new wife to lead him. The reality was Chuck had not recalled this verbal agreement at all. What was leading him was not his new wife; it was his desire to spend one Christmas morning with his children before they reached a certain age.
ments Agree
His new wife had no awareness of Chuck’s decision to make this request. Due to Susan’s approach, strong reaction and her assumptions, Chuck felt equally betrayed by Susan, ending up as frustrated as she. In the end, this one request made by Chuck, led this Xpanded family into a less than harmonious relationship between houses. In this case, several healthier ways of dealing with the situation could spare the hurt and bitterness. If Susan had reminded Chuck of their verbal agreement, she could have shared how she felt. Chuck could have responded differently, maybe apologizing to Susan, and sharing his desire to experience the children just one time on Christmas morning. Or, if Chuck did remember, yet he approached Susan saying he would like to change that agreement just one time, they may have been able to reach a new agreement without much upset. Maybe a new agreement could have been as simple as having Chuck over on Christmas morning. These things might have been workable for both parents to feel as if they are a co-parenting team. Notice how easy it was for Susan to assume Chuck was betraying her intentionally, rather than checking in with Chuck. He also became equally emotionally charged. This is a very straight forward example, yet if you have any experience within an Xpanded family, you may be able to relate. This is not an uncommon event for Xpanded families. Getting tangled up inside of any agreement, let alone post -marital agreements, is a common theme. In the moment, when Chuck agreed to allow Susan to have every Christmas morning, there had been many agreements all at one time which he isn’t conscious of.
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
On that particular day so long ago, Chuck was also in the middle of the emotional turmoil that many fathers experience when transitioning away from their children. While he did agree to anything and everything Susan requested, he wasn’t fully present at the time. He just wanted things to go easy for everyone, especially the children. As each Christmas morning came and went, his experience of not seeing his children’s excited little faces was what prompted him to make the request. Somehow, Chuck’s new wife was brought into the equation in Susan’s mind. Susan’s’ experience of Chuck has always been his “easy “approach and agreeing to anything she wanted; therefore, her natural assumption was to blame his new wife. In this case, Chuck’s wife did not encourage Chuck to make any request. However, in some cases, there is a woman behind a father’s request. This is when things become very tricky. Making New Agreements If agreements aren’t being upheld or requests are being made against what was agreed, this may cause more upset and chaos than there needs to be. Why not check in and create new ones that match what’s going on today? Ask yourself, “What is no longer working and why? What will work now and why?” This may have the power to help your Xpanded family continue down a harmonious road. What may be required is a brief return to the past to find those post-marital agreements (or any other agreement.) Acknowledge your role in any agreement that wasn’t or isn’t being upheld. If you are the person holding onto what was agreed on, acknowledge you are holding on and what you expect. If you violated those agreements, acknowledge this and move on.
AGREEMENTS
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Points to remember:
1. Get clear, and clean up the space between houses. 2. Then, Bring your new idea to the table and be willing to negotiate. 3. Remain open to working things out until it’s agreeable for everyone.
Clean up the space between households. This means to take the time to make sure you are and have been keeping your word. If you aren’t or haven’t been, you may need to approach this with an apology and acknowledge yourself before requesting something new. Or, if you don’t know, you can always ask the other parent. A “clean” space means there are no underlining resentments between houses. It’s harmonious at best and cooperative at least. You will know if it’s “clean” by your response to whatever is going on at the time. If something is felt as a violation, it’s not a clean space. It’s that simple. Clean it up. Sometimes, there isn’t an actual agreement, verbal or written. We may just have our own expectations on how things should be and what things should look like. We remain forever angry that it’s just not happening the way we think it should. Sometimes, there isn’t an actual agreement, verbal or written. We may just have our own expectations on how things should be and what things should look like. We remain forever angry that it’s just not happening the way we think it should. Questions you can ask yourself *Take one agreement that isn’t working and check in using these questions: What agreement do you want to re-create because it isn’t working? What agreement do you want to re-create because it’s being violated? Make all the distinctions: Is this my expectation? Or is this an agreement made verbally or legally?
Let’s talk about those “silent” agreements that develop within a lot of relationships. Silent agreements are when no one takes the time to get clear and to communicate verbally, and things just tend to go “as they go.” Then there is an unspoken expectation of things going “that way” simply because that’s the way it’s been, prior to now. Suddenly, something is different and we feel betrayed. For instance: John and Lori didn’t have a written or verbal agreement as it related to who would pick up and drop off the boys. Lori just took this role on without any communication or agreement. A few years later, Lori changed jobs and this was no longer something she could easily do. Lori began to ask John if he could drop the boys off. John wasn’t sure why, but he felt Lori was breaking an agreement. John was the primary caretaker of the children and as her requests kept coming in he felt Lori should do all the driving. Lori felt she was paying child support and was there for everything and anything the boys may need. She felt as though John could easily drop the boys off without any fuss on his part. There was never any agreement made. This was just one of those silent agreements Lori took on which transitioned into John having an expectation. In this case, Lori and John had been able to clean up this misunderstanding allowing both of them to feel free and clear.
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“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell ---------------------------“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer ---------------------------Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening. -Emma Thompson
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PARENT ALIENATION
: Prevention is Key
By: Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.
Too often parents ask how they can reverse the effects of the other parent’s efforts to poison their child against them. By the time they are asking this question, their child hasn’t spoken to them in days, weeks, months, or even years. The damage has been done. False ideas have taken hold, critical thinking has been eroded, and the child has subverted his or her will to that of the alienating parent. As with most social problems, prevention is by far the preferred approach as usually it is easier to stop something from starting than it is to undo something that has already begun. Once alienation takes hold within the heart and mind of a child, the targeted parent is at a serious disadvantage, psychologically as well as legally. Parental Alienation Parental alienation (PA) is a set of actions and attitudes exhibited by one parent (the alienating parent) with the purpose of undermining and interfering with a child’s relationship with his or her other parent (the targeted parent). There are countless ways in which one parent can try to poison a child against the other parent, and many parents exhibit some of these behaviors at some point. However, only a subset of parents uses parental alienation strategies in a concerted, intentional effort to destroy the child’s relationship with the other parent. PAS is considered a syndrome because children who experience it typically exhibit a set of related symptoms that extend beyond the simple rejection of one parent in favor of the other. According to Dr. Richard Gardner, who coined the term PAS. The 8 symptoms of PAS include: (1) A campaign of denigration against the targeted parent in which the child comes to hate and/or fear that parent, when there is no basis for these feelings. (2) When asked to explain the sudden rejection of the targeted parent,
VOLUME 1 an alienated child will provide reasons that are weak, frivolous, and absurd. The explanations for the rejection are often not of the magnitude that would typically lead a child to reject a parent, such as not allowing a child to nap on the couch or serving spicy food. (3) An alienated child’s lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent. The child demonstrates automatic, reflexive, idealized support of that parent. When asked to name one thing that is imperfect about that parent, the child will draw a complete blank. (4) Even though an alienated child will give the appearance of being programmed or following a script, he or she will refuse to admit any outside influence on his or her behavior and actions. This is what is known as the “Independent Thinker” phenomenon. These parents employ a full range of strategies on an ongoing basis, including: Badmouthing the targeted parent by constantly highlighting his or her flaws or mistakes, as well as by fabricating events in order to put the targeted parent in the most unfavorable light. Interfering with contact between the child and the targeted parent by refusing to produce the child for scheduled parenting time and cutting short parenting time with early pick-ups or late drop-offs. Interfering with contact between the child and the targeted parent by refusing to produce the child for scheduled parenting time and cutting short parenting time with early pick-ups or late drop-offs. Interfering with communication between the child and the targeted parent by throwing out letters and cards, hanging up on the targeted parent when s/he tries to contact the child, not letting the child come to the phone, and not passing on messages. Interfering with symbolic communication between the child and the targeted parent by throwing out photographs of that parent and not allowing the child to talk about that parent. Some children exposed to parental alienation behaviors eventually succumb to the pressure placed on them through these strategies and ally themselves with the alienating parent against the targeted parent. When this happens – in the absence of abuse or neglect on the part of the targeted parent -- parental alienation syndrome (PAS) has occurred.
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ALIENATION 5) An alienated child appears to lack any remorse about the poor treatment of the targeted parent. An alienated child will generally behave as if the targeted parent has no feelings and is completely unworthy of common human decency. An alienated child may reject all gifts from the targeted parent or accept gifts but refuse to show appreciation by declaring that the targeted parent does not deserve it. (6) An alienated child will almost always side with the alienating parent against the targeted parent even when there is no rational basis for doing so. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. The child concludes that the alienating parent is always right and the targeted parent is always wrong, even when there is considerable evidence to the contrary. 7) An alienated child will use phrases and ideas adopted wholesale from the alienating parent, even when the child does not understand the meaning of the words and cannot define them. This is referred to as the use of borrowed scenarios and is what gives alienated children the appearance of having been brainwashed. ((8) The hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are suddenly avoided and rejected. The family is treated as if it has an infectious disease that is to be avoided at all costs. Prevention Strategies Parents who believe that the other parent is using some or all of the parental alienation strategies mentioned above, need to act, before the child exhibits most or all of these 8 symptoms. Here are some important things to do. 1. Become educated. Parents need to learn about the most common parental alienation strategies and should document the other parent’s behavior in order to determine whether parental alienation is at work. Parents should not discount the fact that they might be engaging in alienation behavior that should be stopped or that they need to change their behavior and attitude in order improve relations with the other parent.
ALIENATION 2. Educate the other people in the child’s life. Parents should talk about parental alienation with friends and family so that they help counter the negative messages the child is receiving. Perhaps they can function as an “enlightened witness” challenging the child’s negative ideas about the targeted parent rather than being a silent bystander, unwittingly supporting the alienation. 3. Get support. No one should deal with parental alienation alone. There are support groups available on-line and in communities around the country. Targeted parents can counter the feelings of shame, isolation and being misunderstood by meeting others dealing with the same situation. They can compare strategies and provide each other with encouragement and comfort.
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The goal of the book is to give children permission to love and maintain a relationship with both parents. Ideally this book can be made available to children whose parents are just beginning the divorce process so that they will be able to resist the pressure to choose. In this way, the book can be a part of an overall plan to prevent parental alienation and protect children and families from the pain and suffering associated with this form of dysfunction and abuse.
4. Go “beyond the high road.” Many targeted parents ascribe to the belief that the only recourse is to take the “high road” in which they never point out the mistakes of the other parent, never say anything bad about that other parent, and never directly confront that parent in front of the children. However, sometimes those who view the high road this way become depressed because they feel helpless to prevent the deterioration of their relationship with their child or they become reactive and angry as they suffer one frustration and indignity after another. 5. Help the child develop critical thinking skills. Alienating parents employ thought reform and emotional manipulation techniques to undermine the child’s ability to think critically, to question what he or she is being told about the other parent, and to know the truth about his or her relationship with that parent. For this reason, prevention of parental alienation must include some effort to reverse the erosion of critical thinking, so that the child is able to be true to his or her values and beliefs and to remember that there is a need and desire for a relationship with the other parent. The book, “I don’t want to choose: How middle school kids can avoid choosing one parent over the other” (Andre & Baker, 2009) was written for this purpose. The book can be read by children alone or by a parent or other caring adult.
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www.AmyjlBaker.com
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VOLUME 1
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
KID LETTERS
SELF CARE
VOLUME 1
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SELF CARE AND
THE ART OF BALANCE
By: Gail
By: Gail Wright
Being a healthy member of a happy family doesn’t come easily! Honestly, as you probably already know, it can be a little exhausting! But the rewards are HUGE! It takes a ton of love, patience, energy, and it takes SELF CARE!!!! I know you’ve asked and have been asked many many times, “How are you?” It’s a popular question that is often asked in passing, and in my opinion, that’s why it’s losing its luster. I feel like when asked this question, often the person has already walked past me before even getting my response! My thinking is that if there isn’t an opportunity to really have a chat, then I can at least use it as a way of checking in with myself—a moment to turn inward. How am I caring for me? For me, not always, and it’s OK!
I’m human, I’m not perfect, but I want to grow and be a better person every day of my life, and I strongly believe that it takes the art of balance to accomplish this! Balancing our lives involves dispersing our energy equally to all areas in our life! This has been and continues to be a challenge in my life. Being a fitness instructor for almost 20 years now, my life has always been very physical. I taught way too many classes and succumbed to too many injuries in the process, but it was everything I thought that I needed to maintain my “health”. 10 years ago, my doctor suggested that I incorporate a little yoga into my daily ritual. I remember saying to myself, “Yoga, really? Why? I stretch during the 5 minute cool downs every time!” But something inside me, that gut feeling you get, told me to just go and give it a shot! To this day, I haven’t stopped practicing!
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Now I teach and practice yoga regularly. When I come to my mat, I know it is my time of prayer, healing, strengthening, reflecting and nurturing, and I truly crave a balanced life! It’s about making the time to figure out if I’m overdoing it in one area but possibly neglecting another. When I make an effort to have a balanced life, I’m healthier and a happier member in my family. How about finding balance for you? You could try something that I did that was pretty useful. After realizing one day that my week has been extremely difficult, I decided to sit down and write my thoughts down. I ended up drawing a huge circle with my name in the middle and a heart drawn around my name. I divided my circle into equal sections and labeled it with all the things that I desire in my life. My sections were: God (spiritual health), home, spouse, children (I listed each of my 3 children), physical health, growth (learning/mental health),
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career, hobbies (fun). Then I reflected on the very stressful week I just had and shaded in the sections to the levels that I honestly feel I had devoted to that area. The imbalances were very clear! I was very full in the areas of Home, Children & Physical health (which also includes my career), but pretty low on the others. I decided to make some changes. One of the changes was to wake up earlier, before the kids! This was a little free time for me, where I could reflect, read, connect with friends through emails and get organized! Sounds like such a simple fix, but it does take a great deal of effort, commitment and love for myself to know that I’m worth that extra time every day!
The Art of Balance benefits you and your family in a very powerful way.
VOLUME 1
SELF CARE
Make Your Own Balance Wheel AND START LIVING WHAT BALANCE IS FOR YOU! GAIL’S Example:
GOD HEALTH
CAREER
HOME
GAIL
SPOUSE CHILD 1
GROWTH
It will help you develop clarity, a feeling of success, an ownership over your own decisions. You have a better sense of who you are, and are more grateful for the blessings in your life. You are more able to live with integrity through honesty, better decision- making, and your ability to compromise and learn from yourself and others, especially from children! Overall, you have a heightened sense of love, respect and appreciation for all and this creates healthy and happy families!
CHILD 2 CHILD 3
POTENTIAL AREAS: PHYSICAL MENTAL SPIRITUAL CAREER SOCIAL FAMILY FINANCIAL
STEP ONE: FILL IN YOUR WHEEL STEP TWO: HIGHLIGHT WHAT’S OUT OF BALANCE STEP THREE: WHAT CAN YOU DO TO CREATE MORE BALANCE
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UNANSWERED
VOLUME 1
NO QUESTION UNANSWERED
BY MCKENZIE BALLOU My story is a pretty common one. My parents married young. Not extremely young, but young. They had love and problems. Their two children were easily their two greatest joys. But by the time I was seven and my sister was four, their problems had overwhelmed their love, and they divorced. Those are just the facts, and if I stick to them in my daily experience of family, I’m “fine” in the casual use of the word…truthfully though, what I remember of my parent’s love is a wisp. What holds its place is a violent tremor. A child’s helpless anxiety, welling at the angry din of his heart ripping. Two of my most vivid memories of early childhood are of my father, in a rage hacking my parent’s bed to pieces with the edge of a shovel, and of my sister, screaming at the end of our driveway the night he left. These events weren’t characteristic of my childhood, but they were potent fuel for rumination. That’s where the pain of the break becomes an ache becomes a cross to bear…rumination. What’s happening? Why is this happening? Why can’t I stop it? What do I have to do? These questions were balled into one undifferentiated plea. Most nights for the first year of my parent’s divorce, alone in my bed, this plea was bellowed in secret, by the tears I hid from my mother and sister.
The great unanswered question of my life. Or at least I thought it was unanswered. When you ask a question like that, to no one, until you just give up – that is the answer. I’m 32 now. I’ve won science fairs. I’ve been swim team captain. I’ve dated the valedictorian and the prom queen. I’ve been prom king. I’ve earned a Ph.D. I wrote this article in an apartment I love, that I share with a beautiful woman I love, and I even have a job I’m warming up to. My parents did not screw up my life. They have been constants.
-------------------------------------The power of this invitation is simple - rather than let the definition of family determine the expression of love, let the expression of love determine the definition of family. ------------------------------------Any child would be lucky to have two such fantastic role models and mentors. They provided me with tools for the beautiful life I’m building. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there is something sinister in my regard of my own life. I think you really have to love yourself to appreciate the beauty of living. But I do not trust love. That’s the decision my heart made when it begged for my parents to love me together as parents and in return, received silence. When I look back at what I’ve done to myself with little more than time, silence, and disappointment – I’m truly astonished at the power I have in generating my reality.
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I poured a lot of energy into creating and recreating failure as a context for my life. I’ve spent most my life in reaction to it: accomplishments occur as consolations; lovers, as unobtainable possessions; and family, as loose confederation…I’m not stuck here. I’m growing. I am always growing. And the privilege I have as a human is to grow in the direction I choose. I see the cost of having cast myself along this path, and now, I see what is available in casting myself anew – like a flower bending back toward light. But there is the bending. It isn’t easy. It’s often painful. It’s a challenge, but a beautiful challenge. This is not a warning. This is not rumination. This is a depiction of missed opportunity and, more than anything, this is an invitation to assert a new definition of family. Children grow. They grow powerfully in the directions lit well enough to occur as possibility and shrink just as powerfully from those cloaked in resignation. As a child, the answer to my question was to shrink from confidence in love – I chose to love in trepidation. The opportunity of building community around an expanded definition of family is the opportunity to hold love up to the light, together – to facilitate a truly free choice in the expression of love. The power of this invitation is simple - rather than let the definition of family determine the expression of love, let the expression of love determine the definition of family.
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VOLUME 1
SEASONED
SEASONED
X
X
panded Family
PANDED Family Grandparents Edition Grandparents Edition
A. What is the biggest challenge for grandparents within an Xpanded family dynamic? B. Your best Xpanded family advice for new Xpanded Grandparents would be?
A Grandmother’s Perspective
A Grandfather’s Perspective
A. “As Grandparents, the challenge is to be non-judgmental
A. “Maintain a positive attitude in difficult circumstances,
and supportive of the family dynamics. Perhaps this is best summed up in: “The Serenity Prayer”. God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
It means accepting the challenges of the expanded family dynamics, which means accepting the “new” grandchildren, and other members (relatives) of the expanded family. When situations develop that are, perhaps, out of bounds based on our experience, we must let those most closely involved resolve the situation.” “Acceptance of the “revised” situation can be very difficult and a significant challenge, while still being there to support and help. We, as grandparents, must be careful to treat all of the grandchildren with equal displays of affection, and do the same for the parents, one of which is our son or daughter.”
B. “As grandparents, remember what life was like raising a family, running a household, and having the stress of a career or job. Parents (today) may have more responsibilities, more stress, and different family dynamics than you did. Our expectations can be idealized and unattainable, so do not judge.”
to help yourself and your family. We can’t choose what will happen to us but we are free to choose how we will respond. If we assume everything is “our fault”, we often end up paralyzed by guilt. Remember to love who we are, and with that empowerment and peace of mind, we will be better support for others that need that as well as our help.” “Count your blessings with thankful appreciation for all the “good things” that have happen, and look forward to each day by thinking positive about life. This is the key to maintaining a healthy lifestyle attitude.”
B. “As parents, it is important to not show favoritism between children as grandparents of an expanded family. It is extremely important to be impartial to grandchildren and step grandchildren.” “Children will always try to keep score and things are not always equal, no matter how hard we try. This in itself teaches them an important and realistic lesson in life: Life is not always fair, so don’t expect it.” “However, children are keenly aware of “fair play”…..so always handle your relationships equally.”
“It is not what materialistic advantages you give to your grandchildren; what is important is as how you make them feel about themselves. If you assume responsibility for daycare of your grandchildren, maintain the role of “disciplinarian rather than being a “buddy”…..this will give them a sense that you care about them.”
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SEASONED
VOLUME 1
SEASONED
X
PANDED Family
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A. Who are you inside of your family? B. Area in which you have grown, learned, now have wisdom about In other words: Something that “used” to be a challenge and what you did or learned through experience, healing and your own growth that has allowed this challenge to be a “non issue” for you today. C. Your best Bonus family advice for new comers.
“Cassaundra in Ohio”
“Rebecca White in Mississippi”
“MOM in Pennsylvania”
A. “First and foremost, I am a pas-
“Well I am my husband’s wife. As such we are leaders of our family. My family including husband, me, and all of our children. Children consisting of my 3 kids from former marriage, my daughter from current marriage, and my stepson. I recognize that my kids (mine and stepson) have other family members besides our household family members. Those members may not be “my” family members but they are my kids’ family members. Those members are loved by my kids and that relationship should be respected regardless of whether or not we (me & other members) get along.”
A.
A.. With my immediate family con-
sionate, driven, confident, and positive woman. I am a loving wife and caring mother. I balance being a Dictator, Nurturer, Guider, Leader, Friend, Confidante, Teacher, Peacemaker, Detective, and Guard. All that sprinkled with a little sarcasm and sass.”
B. “Step Motherhood is like the Two-Step Dance. I have learned how to be capable of knowing when to step up or step back. Also, identifying specific parenting subjects that are best for dad and mom to deal with. Learning to be sensitive to mom’s feelings and better understanding her point of view. I stopped allowing negative thoughts to get to me based on assumptions.” C. “Focus on the things you can
control. A healthy strong marriage is a necessity!! You and your spouse must work together to identify your role with the step child(ren). Dont’ try to be Super Step-mom.... just be YOU!”
B.
” I have learned that everyone has different situations that they are dealing with and as such you can’t really judge. I’ve learned that my own parents may not have made the right decision but with that in mind I don’t know that there was a “right” way to handle any of it. They did the best they could just like I do the best I can and just like others in blended families are doing their best.”
C.
“As a SM I tried to look at it from the BM’s perspective which was easy for me since I had been a divorced mom with kids. I knew what would have (or still would) pushed my buttons as a mom and when possible I tried not to do that. Every once in awhile that line is blurry because there are times when things affect you or your kids (money / time issues / household rules). If I had issues then my DH and I talked about it together. I’ve never gotten myself involved in dealing with the BM. I may look at my SS as one of our kids, but I recognize (he’s a teenager) that he views me as his dad’s wife. He has a mother. I respect those feelings. I can still love him and treat him as part of my family and even view him as one of “our” kids without making him feel like I’m trying to take over as his mother.”
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sisting of me and my child, I am the Director. I manage the household, sports activities, schoolwork, nutrition with trying to balance in quality time and fun.
B. Whenever my child would go away to spend time with his father and girlfriend, I would spend my time thinking of what he was doing (Is he brushing his teeth, Is he eating the right foods, Is he getting enough sleep). I have learned to let it go and know that his father would NEVER do anything to harm him and allow his father to spend the quality time with him. C. Pick your battles. The bottom line is-it’s all about your children and raising them to be responsible, intelligent, healthy and most of all happy individuals.
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VOLUME 1
INTERVIEW
VANREYMERSDAL FAMILY INTERVIEW Tony and Janet Vanreymersdal live in Pa with their youngest daughter Lisa. The two older sisters are from Tony’s first marriage. Shelly and Selena (the older daughters) are both grown with families of their own. In 1979 Tony found himself separated followed by a divorce. Being the first and only person in his close nit family to experience a divorce, this was a difficult time for Tony. He did not have any experience or guidance and had to learn to adjust on his own. This was 31 years ago when Xpanded families had very little resources available to them. Tony: “In retrospect, if I didn’t get a divorce, I wouldn’t have the relationship I have with my two older girls, I know this because I spent most of my time as the provider allowing their mother to handle the raising of the girls. So for me, my divorce was a blessing. I got to know them in a unique way, I wouldn’t have really known my girls if the marriage worked out” Meanwhile-as Tony was transitioning into his single fatherhood… In East Kentucky- Janet was attending college. In 1982, Janet moved Pennsylvania. In 1983, mutual friends suggest Tony and Janet meet. Janet: “I kept saying “no” because I didn’t want to be with someone who was divorced with children and I didn’t even ever want to meet him!” She laughs. Janet is a logical woman. It was when her friend said “I didn’t ask you to marry the man! I just thought you could go on a date with him.” Janet thought “that sounds logical, Ok, I’ll meet him. As it turned out, 24 years later, (this August) Tony and Janet remain very happily married after all. Tony: “I knew right away that “she was a keeper” (from what I hear, he has been saying that for almost 24 years!)
XFM asks: “What are some of the primary distinctions made between the two of you prior to marriage as it relates to anything you can think of?”
Janet: “For starters, I gave Tony 3 different opportunities to try to patch things up with his ex-wife. After the 3rd time with each time his answer was “no”- I told him “I will not ask again and I expect everything to be over, from here on out it’s our life together. I’m number 1 now, and I won’t settle for less” “As for the girls, we always tried to make sure we acted like a family at all times. They are not and have never been guests in our house, they are our children and we treat them as such. We balanced work with family time and everything else any other family may do. “Also, we have always been committed to being a united front. We did this back then, with the older girls and we do this now with our youngest, Lisa. Even when I didn’t agree with Tony on his decision, I stand by his side in front of the girls. Later on(in private) we talk and discuss how we would both like (whatever it is) to be handled next time it happens. You can’t predict or plan a lot of things. While we didn’t want to get “boggeddown” with too many rules- we wanted to have a basic structure. Even to this very day, we uphold a united front.” “In my opinion, in a marriage, There is no such thing as “We talk too much” because the more you talk the more you know and you end up knowing so much about the other person, things just become automatic. You don’t have to think about it, you already know. “
XFM asks: “Within most Xpanded families, there can be chaos and drama when dealing with the other parent/other house: Everything from clothing to loyalty issues. What would you say is the best way to handle these types of situations?” Janet: “We actually tried very hard to work with her as long as her requests where reasonable. When we felt something was unreasonable, we held our ground. In other words, If our Family values and core beliefs conflicted with what was happening, we would simply stand our ground.
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We didn’t get all caught up in our house had to be exactly like her house. You have to have a bit of compromise, however, just because she did things a certain way at her house didn’t mean we had to be “Twins” The thing was, I felt very comfortable with that because when I was growing up I stayed with my grandmother a lot and she had very different rules than my mom. Every house has its own rules, its own way of functioning. You just follow the rules of each house.
XFM asks: “What would you say, after all is said and done, is the top 3 things Xpanded families can do to make their families the best families they can be?” Janet: 1. “To make sure they treat them like family, not guests. If you treat them like family they will be family. You will never get to know the true person if you treat them like guests.” 2. “Parents have to be a united front, even if you disagree you stand together and then you discuss it later” 3. “Each home is free to be whoever they want to be as a family. All that is needed is consideration and flexibility however, you can still run your home and your family the way you believe it should be run. It is after all, your home and your family”
XFM: “Thank you so much! Before we end the interview, one final question…Any other words of wisdom for our readers?”
Janet: “Keep on going and never give up because in the end it’s all worth it. Make your family the best family you can be. It can be hard being a blended family. Just concentrate on your family and be the best it can be. If one parent is giving you a hard time about everything, it can be a rocky road; anything can happen but… just keep on going!”
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“Love at first sight”... “Till death do us part” Mr. and Mrs. Strack <--- P.S we love writing that!!!
Newly Married Xpanded family Mr and Mrs Strack It’s a lot like the Brady bunch... “Here’s a story about a man named Russell, he was bringing up two boys on his very own …Till one day when this fellow met his lady!”
Our children: Shane (19), Ashley (16), Alexis (14), Tyler (8), and our new baby Nicole (14months). We actually met when we were around 12 years old. We were childhood friends. Our families actually stayed connected. Then we meet again four years ago at a family Labor Day party. Planning to go out on the boat, the boat broke down! So we talked and laughed for near 4 hours! We both fell completely in love. We remained best friends throughout the fall months until our first kiss the following New Year’s Eve. We have felt the presence of God in every way and have experienced too many blessings to name. We still believe that our relationship was always destined to be. We had dolphins and even a bald eagle pass by our wedding! Our families are all so supportive and nothing can compare to the feeling of being bonded in holy matrimony! We are sitting here in awe; thinking how we arrived through life’s choices and changes to be here together and to have such an incredible extended family.
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VOLUME 1
EXERCISE
Truths about Exercise: Dispelling Myths and Misconceptions By: Dwayne Wimmer “There are many challenges facing today’s families. Finding time to fit exercise into a busy schedule may seem overwhelming. Being a working mother of three, I understand these challenges. Xpanded Family Magazine has asked Dwayne Wimmer, Owner of Vertex Fitness Personal Training Studio, to dispel two of the most common myths about exercise. He explains how fitting exercise into your busy life doesn’t have to be so difficult. Until the day I started working with Dwayne, I too thought I needed to spend hours a day working out to get the results I wanted. I have now cut my exercise time down to just minutes a week and I am getting better results than ever before.” - Kelly McCauley Assistant Manager at Vertex Fitness
Myth #1 -
Myth # 2 -
Truth
Truth – This is one of the biggest myths, that exercise is
It takes many hours of exercise to get results. – Science shows us that as little exercise as a few minutes a week will make noticeable and positive changes in the body, if done with enough intensity. Exercise is a stimulus to the body, an overload to create change. Any overload will cause the body to change.
The Principle of Overload - The exercise science principle
of overload states that a greater than normal stress or load on the body is required for training adaptation to take place. What this means is that in order to improve our fitness, strength or endurance, we need to increase the workload accordingly. In order for a muscle (including the heart) to increase strength, it must be gradually stressed by working against a load greater than it is used to. (www.sportsmedicine.about.com) Based on the principal of overload, one needs to do more work, or work at a higher intensity, then one’s normal workload to see benefits from the work being done. There must be an increase in intensity, duration, frequency or volume. If one increases the intensity, the duration, frequency and volume MUST decrease. The new minimum exercise standards put out by many different governing fitness bodies state that to get benefit from exercise one must perform a minimum of 30 minutes of low to moderate level exercise 5-7 days a week to see benefits. The overload in this standard is increased duration, frequency and volume. We don’t have that much time to dedicate to our health. So, people are not exercising. If we look at exercise from the reverse point of view and overload our bodies by increasing the intensity, which demands that we lower the duration, frequency and volume, we can exercise fewer times a week and not as long and yield the similar results.
Exercise alone will be an effective tool to lose weight! an effective weight loss tool. It is not! First, we have to know that body fat is the storage of extra energy that we have consumed. Energy in the body is measured by calories. There are 3,500 calories in one pound of body fat. To reduce one’s body by one pound of fat, there must be a deficiency of 3,500 calories. This means that a 130-pound person would have to walk or run over 35 miles to expend as many calories that are in one pound of body fat. That is over five miles a day for seven days. Compare that to eating 500 calories less then you need to maintain your body weight every day for the same seven days. As far as the reduction of body fat, the result is the same. You will reduce your body fat, in both scenarios, by one pound. The assumption is that the person doing the walking or running had been consuming a balance of calories to maintain their body weight, and continued so for the seven days they were walking or running. If the reduction of body fat is your goal, eating a balanced reduced-calorie diet is the most effective tool you have. Adding exercise to the mix is excellent as well, as it burns a few extra calories, but is not the primary source of the deficiency. Remember, this is only about the reduction of body fat, not about any of the many other health benefits of exercise. Exercise is EXTREMELY good for us, but understanding the benefits and limitations of what we are doing is also very important.
So, if you exercise (do work) even once a week for a few minutes as long as it is progressive (always increasing the intensity or work load) you would continue to see benefits from the work being performed. Spend less time exercising by working harder and smarter, and get the results you are looking for and have more time for you.
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NUTRITION for an expanded life
by: KRISTEN RUBIN As fall approaches, there is a natural sense of solace in the air. The foliage brightens to an array of spectacular, warming colors and the leaves, ever so lazily, float to the ground, creating a soft blanket of painted clouds to rest our meditative thoughts upon… Unless, of course, you are partaking in some form of parenting! I don’t remember travel soccer tryouts and triple session camps in Elementary school! Football agility and speed training, field hockey, year round basketball, band camp etc. The list goes on! And, of course there is the school supply list that has to be fulfilled by the second day of school, even though you receive the list on the first day of school. AND… the guilt of being a working “super-mom”, unable to be a home room parent or classroom volunteer, yet you still manage to bake brownies for class at 11:00 pm the night before the Holiday party, and assemble the fair basket on your lunch hour. Did I mention that obligations and driving commitments increase exponentially with middle school and high school?
So how, in the hustle and bustle of daily life, does a family stay healthy and eat well during this crazy time of year? Let’s start with a goal, and create a plan. The goal is to have good, balanced nutrition to combat stress levels, and fight the many cold and flu viruses lurking in the hallways at school. A plan involves: the whole family taking part in meal planning, preparation and clean up. A useful tool to begin this process is a Chore Chart. An example-I have four children, and therefore, one makes a menu for the week (must include a daily veggie and whole grain) and creates a shopping list, one is the sous- chef-helps with all food prep, one loads the dishwasher, and one empties it. Children of all ages can do some form of these tasks. The benefits of them sharing responsibility and gaining familiarity with preparing real, whole meals in a world of instant gratification and processed foods is unquestionable. It also can bring children from different backgrounds, who have different interests together to share in the nurturing and loving aspect of preparing a meal.
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NUTRITION Some of my favorite conversations have happened around the kitchen island. We try to schedule and commit to at least three family dinners per week, and there are healthy leftovers for nights that are insane (and of course one take-out/delivery night too.) Leftovers make great lunches. If you pack leftovers into servingsize containers right after dinner, there is no need to take out the entire contents of the fridge in the morning and try to figure out lunch. I always make a little extra dinner, and put individual servings in the freezer for mom’s “taxi service nights.” Easy, healthy snack foods can be obtained at any food store. It may be a little more costly buying a crudite already cut and packed with a variety of vegetables, but the time it saves you is well worth it. I keep it in the fridge at all times, and on the chore list is an ‘after school snack’ that includes a vegetable. Bolthouse makes a delicious yogurt ranch dressing that my kids love on cucumbers, carrots, cherry tomatoes, snap peas, broccoli, bell peppers, celery etc. With enough variety, and letting the kids pick which veggies look good to them in the food store, they’re bound to find something they like. I always keep organic tortilla chips and fresh salsa (and jar salsa as a back up) on hand. Believe it or not, Nachos are a healthy snack that almost all kids love. All it takes is a layer of chips, lots of salsa (1/2 a cup is a veggie serving), a light sprinkling of cheese and they have a well balanced snack. You can add a layer of beans and you have a whole meal, protein and all! Another delicious snack/meal is: Fresh baked apples. Kids love to prepare this one themselves! It’s almost like a science experiment. The amounts don’t have to be exact and no matter what, it tastes delicious.
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If children are small, you may have to help core the apples. Place cored apples (any kind~I love Granny Smiths) in pyrex baking dish, holes verticle. Sprinkle cinnamon, cloves, maple syrup, and a litttle brown sugar in any amount or combination. Cover with plastic wrap (for microwave) or foil (for oven). Microwave in intervals of 2 min until apples are soft, or bake at 350ºF until soft. Test with a fork. While still warm top with vanilla yogurt, ice cream or a drizzle of half and half and some walnuts for Omega 3’s. They’ll have a blast. Food should be fun. Any fruit with a Tablespoon of peanut butter (soy butter, hummus or full fat organic yogurt if allergic) is a fantastic snack that will provide antioxidants and omega 3s for immunity and brain power. Smoothies are a hit with most kids. Bolthouse, Naked and Odwalla make fruit and veggie drinks that are delicious. Try � cup red, green or blue in a blender mixed with � cup water, � cup berries (or any fruit) and a scoop of protein powder (Designer Whey is a good tasting one) or 1 cup of yogurt or � cup light ice cream or frozen yogurt and the kids will beg for more.
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Remember, when kids have some control over what they are eating, they are more likely to compromise and try something out of their comfort zone. My one rule is that they are required to try everything. I never force them to eat anything if they don’t like it. Sometimes kids will say that they don’t like something because they’ve heard other kids say it, but if they must try it, they will at least know what they’re missing! They may not love it the first time but if they didn’t hate it, they may try it again. Once kids begin to explore healthy foods and think outside the ‘blue box’, they begin to crave foods that are actually good for them. It’s a wonderful transformation to witness.
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MONEY COSTS
MONEY COSTS By: Kay Lesh Ph.D We all understand our feelings about money, right? When we have money, we feel safe and secure. When we don’t have it, we are worried and sometimes even frightened. It is a simple equation. Having money feels good and not having it feels bad. That is pretty straightforward, right? You wish! Money issues are some of the most complicated ones that we as human being face. That is because our relationship with money is about more than how much of it we have, or what it buys. In addition to its actual value, money is loaded with emotional meaning for us. We associate money with all kinds of symbolism, as we draw on what we learned growing up in our families, what our culture and religion tell us about its value, and the importance placed on money by our society. So, our relationship with money gets pretty complex. Money can represent security and comfort, and it can reflect how we feel about ourselves. Money can be used as a tool of love, respect and sharing, or a means of power, control and revenge. People have married for money or divorced because of it. Others have schemed and lied, cheated, stolen and even killed for it. Some people can never have enough of it, while others are willing to give theirs away and live a life of sacrifice. What we do about money depends on our emotional relationship with it. No wonder our money issues feel so complicated! But the complications don’t end there.
: The Emotional Meaning of Money
Think about this: When we enter a committed relationship with anyone else, and form a new family, we bring our money issues into that relationship. So the complexity is multiplied. Money issues become mine, yours and ours. We play these emotional issues out in our families every day. Even in good times, our money messages can be a source of conflict. Family therapists tell us that money is one of the main issues bringing a couple or family into counseling. Couples rarely talk about their beliefs and values around money before they enter into a relationship. Then, once they are in a relationship, they may find that their views are far apart. Someone very frugal marries someone very extravagant. Someone who was raised in a family where money was scarce enters a relationship with someone who grew up with plenty. Someone whose self-worth comes from a high paying career partners with someone who is less focused on success and more interested in living simply. Couples may fight about how much to spend on household expenses and even disagree on what constitutes a necessity and what constitutes a luxury. The conflicts are endless and varied. However, what doesn’t vary is the emotion around the issue of money. But because our money messages are usually played out at an unconscious level, it can be hard for us to understand what is happening.
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And while we may fight about money on the surface, what we are really struggling with is more complex than that. Emotion has a way of taking over and clouding money issues. This emotional overlay is why so many battles are fought over money when a couple splits. The battle ground covers child support, property settlements and other difficult issues. But underneath the surface, the battles are usually about something else. Most of us aren’t aware of the power our money issues have over us until some crisis triggers a strong reaction. Then we are left shaking our heads in amazement and saying: “What just happened here?” Here is one example of how this can play out: Katie was fuming. “Jerry is late with the child support check again. He knows I have bills due on the first and yet every month he is at least a couple of days late. And Madison’s preschool fees are due on the first, so she gets caught in the middle. I am embarrassed to have to tell her school that we are going to be late again. Jerry just doesn’t get it. What is the matter with him? ” Jerry was equally angry. “Katie can be so uptight about money. What is the matter with her?”
MONEY COSTS
Both Katie and Jerry are angry with each other, and they are feeling overwhelmed with their own struggles. Their divorce was painful for them both. What ends up happening is they feel misunderstood by the other. The truth is that they don’t understand themselves. Here are some possibilities as to what could be happening: · Possibility One: Jerry could be unaware that his behavior causes Katie such distress. Money is just not that big an issue for him. He grew up in a family that had a relaxed attitude toward paying bills, so that is how he feels. He just can’t understand being a day or two late is a big deal. · Possibility Two: Jerry could be using the child support check as a way to exercise power over Katie. He gets the check there, sure. Nobody can accuse him of being a “deadbeat dad.” But he knows that when the money is late, Katie is placed in the embarrassing position of having to apologize to Madison’s preschool and begging them to wait for the delayed payment. That is Jerry’s way of getting back at Katie. He probably isn’t doing it consciously. He really isn’t a bad guy, but because he isn’t fully aware of his anger, he acts it out in this way. On Katie’s side, there are several possibilities as well. · Possibility One: Katie could be stressed about paying bills late because she was raised in a family that took great pride in always being on time with bill payment. For her, paying a bill late is a major no-no.
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Possibility Two: Katie could be using the late child support payment as a way to justify her anger at Jerry. She was raised in a family where money battles were ongoing, so fighting about money comes naturally to her. She is not a bad person either, and when she grumbles about what a jerk Jerry is, she doesn’t realize that little Madison is hearing every word, and is miserable because the two most important people in her world are so angry with each other. Whichever explanation fits for them, Jerry and Katie have fallen into the trap of not understanding their money messages. If they saw the emotion behind their actions, the conflict could be lessened because they would understand what the fighting was really about. Our money issues are complex and multilayered. That is why it is important to realize that frequently, there is something going on beneath the surface. We may fight about the cost of a new appliance, but what we are really fighting about might be something entirely different. We might be fighting about who’s in charge of our finances, but we might also be using the fight as a way of expressing anger for something that has nothing to do with a new clothes dryer. It is possible to understand our money messages if we are willing. The first step is to take a breath and try to figure out what is going on. What is the conflict about? It may be straight forward, but more likely, there is an emotion beneath it. Once we can figure this out, we have more options.
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We also need to look at what we learned in our families as we grew up. How did our parents deal with money? Did they fight? Did they cooperate? What was the family message about the value of money? Getting to the bottom of our feelings about money can be tricky, because frequently the messages are subtle. But, with some honest reflection, we can begin to uncover the hidden beliefs that govern our actions. Sometimes, we need outside help in figuring it out: a counselor, a trusted friend, or a useful book might help us see what is going on. Recognizing our tangled emotions around the issue of money presents an opportunity for growth. Untangling those emotions is a powerful step toward increased awareness of how our money messages help or hinder us. This knowledge leads to a new, healthier relationship with money, and a healthier, happier family.
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At the End of The Day Being Happy in an Expanded Family is about self -knowledge and knowing and understanding others. It is about self- acceptance and therefore an ability to accept the other characters. It is also about your ability to be flexible while still maintaining your core boundaries. This, of course, applies to our whole life and how we interact with The World and people around us. It is a particularly helpful approach when interacting within an Expanded Family where the dynamics can become highly charged, sometimes quite quickly. The trick is to understand these terms from an experiential and real vantage point for you. Knowing comes from within. Acceptance comes from within. Flexibility comes from within. Acceptance comes from within. Flexibility comes from within. So, these concepts begin with us, hence self-knowledge and self-acceptance coming prior to knowing, understanding and accepting others. If you have a rock solid foundation to operate from when engaging with others on easy or difficult topics, you will know where you truly are on any given subject and perhaps where someone else is coming from. This may give you a natural ability to look at the whole scene, with full knowledge and understanding to then know where and how you would like to be flexible, if at all. Knowledge of self begins with an honest assessment of what we truly value and believe versus what we were taught to value and believe.
What truly makes us tick and turns us on versus what’s supposed to. For the really fortunate ones, knowing their purpose in this life versus what is expected of them. Concepts such as these may begin the process of true self-knowledge. This may lead you into a better understanding of others. Otherwise, you are subject to the latest opinion, pressure, obligation or other wind of change that blows your way. This makes for difficulty in understanding someone else’s perspective when you don’t really have one of your own to draw from or reflect against. Self-knowledge is an ongoing life journey that can be filled with highs and lows. that you can call your own and it is pretty much guaranteed you will become a deeper, wiser and a much more understanding human being on this path. As a bonus, you also become a lot more fascinating as well. A great way to begin the process of acceptance of self, which will naturally lead to an acceptance of others, is to consider that we are all exactly where we are meant to be, at this moment, and in this time. You aren’t actually in the past or the future. Your mind may be but the reality is you are in this moment. The sooner you fully allow yourself to be in the moment and embrace it, the closer you are to acceptance of it. That doesn’t mean you may not reflect upon the past or have intentions or purposes for the future.
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END OF DAY
By: Leah Stauffer
One of the keys to being at peace with others is to remember they are also exactly where they are with the conditioning they were raised with (which may be different than our own) and their life experiences and relationships thus far. By accepting what is and living from there, we are putting ourselves in a position for more peace, harmony and happiness within ourselves. Maybe try this on... Situations and people are just as they are meant to be in this moment, or, they are just as they are. The acceptance or grace we grant the situation and the people involved will go a long way in providing a foundation from which to be effective You may just find yourself evolving and contributing to the evolution of those around you and trust me on this…You will find yourself happier and more at peace feeling very causative and empowered. Life truly becomes a journey, a process of growing, changing, transforming and contributing.
Enjoy all the fruits of Living. At the end of the day... Become a happy peaceful member of an Expanded Family.
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CONTRIBUTORS
CONTRIBUTORS Rafi Kushmir Our Production Consultant, he has many years experience as a publication designer; working for the American Bar Association, Chicago Symphony Orchestra and many others, ( visit website at: http://firstkush. tripod.com )
Jackie O’Brien: Our Graphic Designer: Jackie is a graduate of the University of Delaware in Visual Communications. Her passion is freelance graphic design and illustration. You can see some of her work At: JackieOCreative.com. Jackie currently resides in West Chester, Pa.
Schuyler Wickes: Our Editor, with 20 years as a writer, producer and marketer, and currently a successful small business owner, he provides editorial clarity and strategic guidance for the publication and content. He is currently involved with FarmPlate.com, a new online community and marketplace promoting the support of local, sustainable foods.
Christina Marie: Our Publisher. Article: “Post-Marital Agreements Co-parenting/making new ones. 21 years of experience, education and research with expanded family dynamics. Author of: “Navigational Skills for Step-families-inside the real lives of stepfamilies today.”
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Gail Wright : Gail Wright is a certified fitness instructor along with being a mother of 3 small children and a loving wife. Gail represents pure joy and happiness and her family walks the walk and talks the talk!
Billy Hines: Filmmaker: experienced Writer/Director/ Producer will use his talent of storytelling to help promote the magazine’s internet division.
Dr Amy Baker: Article: “Parent Alienation, prevention is key” Amy is a nationally recognized, expert in, parent child relationships, especially; children of divorce, parental alienation syndrome, and emotional abuse of children. Her contribution will be information on P.A.S. www.amyjlbaker.com
McKenzie Ballou, Ph.D: Mckenzie recently received his degree in cognitive psychology from Washington University in St. Louis. He lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with the woman of his dreams. Currently he is working in market research. In his free time he enjoys disc golf, reading, writing, hulu®, and jogging. McKenzie aspires to be a professional writer.
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CONTRIBUTORS “We selected two featured families who we feel embody an expanded way of living.” The Garlington Family: This family, their story is beautiful. They have one biological child named Haven. An Open adoption child named Seamus and a little girl named Marlie whom they adopted from Ethiopia. In this issue, the primary focus is going to be their personal experience with Open adoption.
The Vanreymersdal Family This family, their story is also beautiful. Their expanded family began in 1985 and what they offer is: very clear family values are completely possible within an expanded family as well as their wisdom, experience and what has worked for them as an expanded family.
Claudette Chenevert: Article “Embracing the Holidays: the Stepfamily Way!” Claudette Chenevert is a certified Stepfamily Foundation Coach and Life Coach. She has a BA in Psychology of Communication with an emphasis on Family Relations and Conflict Resolution. Claudette provides tools and skills to families who are committed to making a difference in their lives and coaches individuals by helping them create and achieve inspiring goals and visions. She offers workshops on issues ranging from dealing with conflict to becoming an effective communicator in your family to leadership in your family. She also offers group and one-onone coaching. Claudette has been a stepmom since 1990. She has one son, two stepdaughters and two wonderful grandchildren. For more information regarding Claudette and her programs.
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Dwayne WimmerOwner, Vertex Fitness Dwayne has over 20 years of fitness experience and has owned Vertex, in Bryn Mawr, PA, since 2001. Since 1988, he has had experience as a Personal Trainer, Group Fitness Instructor, Fitness Director, Sales Manager, a Villanova University Strength and Conditioning Coach. These roles along with running his own companies and his quest for knowledge, makes Dwayne a leader in the industry. He loves working with clientele, educating those new in the industry and consulting other professionals. Dwayne has a passion for educating those who are genuinely interested in learning about fitness and exercise. Kelly McCauley Asst. Manager, Vertex Fitness Kelly handles day-to-day operations at Vertex fitness. She manages sales and marketing effort, including the development of community relations. Kelly oversees the Pilates and massage programs and she directs the staff training and development program. A committed Vertex employee, Kelly is also a RKC Certified Kettlebell Instructor. She is married and the mother to three sons.
Letters by: Emma 9 yrs old, Cameron 9yrs old and Austin 8yrs old-“Our youngest, most adorable contributors; Cameron, Emma and Austin use their pure hearts and share what they love about being an expanded family member as well as, what they don’t love about it. Their words are simple and pure and it seems clear, they have a natural expanded love for their families and people in general.”
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CONTRIBUTORS
CONTRIBUTORS
kristen Rubin: Article: “Nutrition for an expanded life” Kristen Rubin is a Certified Holistic Health Coach and a graduate from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition in Manhattan, a division of Teacher’s College at Columbia University. She is also a certified Personal Trainer, Pilates Teacher, and Massage Therapist. She believes in an integrated approach to wellness, focusing on the unique needs of each individual. Kristen began her career path in the corporate world as a Civil Engineer, and rapidly shifted to the Health Sciences, following her passion for exercise and wholesome food. She is also a mother of four very busy, athletic children. She has volumes of experience balancing the demands of corporate life, new age motherhood and healthy lifestyle choices. Kristen helps families create more wholesome, yet efficient ways of living. She strives to treat each client as a unique individual, and to create a personal holistic wellness program tailored to their specific needs. 18 Clearview Rd. Malvern PA 19355 Kristen@BetterBalancedLiving.com 610-331-6184
Leah Stauffer:
Leah Stauffer is an Entrepreneur, Producer, Author and Trainer who has been dubbed a “Guru of Healthy Beauty” by the media. Her expertise is in assisting people in realizing who they truly are. Through her “Authenticity Coaching,” she provides support that allows the individual to confidently express themselves and share their natural gifts with the world around them. In her own words, “This is the best and quickest route to true freedom, vitality, fulfillment and happiness.” She has been facilitating these Transformative Experiences for over 10 years. Her programs are designed to take concepts from a mind level and integrate them into the Beingness of an individual through movement. Her live experiences, training programs, books, and DVD’s have reached hundreds of thousands of people, and her proven methods deliver healthy, lasting results. Leah works with celebrity and private clientele, as well as thousands of people throughout the United States and abroad. Her work has appeared in publications such as The Washington Post, Women’s Health, and O, as well as features on Entertainment Tonight, CNN, and The View. The benefits of her work have been documented in a multi-center research study by Indiana State University, Temple University and Fox Chase Cancer Center. Leah lives on a quiet farm in the suburbs outside Philadelphia.
Kay Lesh, Ph.D: Kay is an educator and psychotherapist. She has worked as a therapist for over 30 years, and is licensed by the State of Arizona as a Professional Counselor and as a Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a private therapy practice in Tucson AZ. Additionally, she teaches Psychology at Pima Community College. She presents workshops, seminars and classes on a variety of personal growth issues. She has written a number of articles on topics related to the impact of physical disability, women and rehabilitation, dealing with suicide in the family, psychology of money, and developing self-esteem. Dr. Lesh is the co-author of “Building Self-Esteem: Strategies for Success in School and Beyond” 3rd. Edition, Prentice Hall, 2002; “Our Money Ourselves for Couples: A New Way of Relating to Money and Each Other” Capitol Books, Inc. 2003, and “Our Money Ourselves: Redesigning Your Relationship with Money” Amacom Books, 1999.
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Dr Elizabeth Webb: ARTICLE “Creating inner beauty will overwhelm our Fear and Resentment”Elizabeth Webb was born in Brazil and spent her early years steeped in the majestic splendor of the Amazon Rainforest. Her parents seized an opportunity in the 1950s to be part of a pioneering venture that would open the interior of Brazil and become the city of Brazilia. Elizabeth was fortunate to grow up with the indigenous people. Elizabeth majored in languages at the University of Rio de Janeiro and went on to receive a doctorate in transpersonal psychology, and another PhD in languages. She spent several years teaching Spanish at Western Maryland College and Portuguese in the Berlitz School. For 20 years, Dr. Webb has maintained a counseling practice. During this time, she became dissatisfied with the results of traditional therapy alone and pursued an intense course of study in many alternative modalities. These included homeopathy, color therapy, herbology, nutrition, hypnotherapy, reflexology and Reiki. Her love of homeopathy stemmed from her grandfather who came from Germany to Brazil in 1918 and became the village homeopath. With her deeply intuitive ability, compassionate heart, and extensive knowledge of alternative paths to wellness, Elizabeth delights in educating her clients and witnessing their transformation as they take responsibility for their lives and healing. 610-256-0483 Preventive Medicine - HomeopathyLiving in the Heart- Emotional/Spiritual Counseling
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X X Volume 1
Number 1
November 2010
PANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE " I t t a k e ’ s aFAMILY V i l l a g e t o r a iLIVING se a child." PNDED “ I t t a k e s a Vi l l a g e t o r a i s e a c h i l d ”
- Ancient African Proverb
STEPFAMILIES
THE VANREYMERSDAL FAMILY
THE VANREYMERSDAL FAMILY Interview on page TBD
* Embrace the
*Money Costs
Holidays
Xpanded Family Magazine SPRING/FALL ISSUE
If you would like to be featured in our next issue, please contact us at:
The Emotional Meaning of Money
The Step Family Way
* How to Handle Strong-Willed Children
THE GARLINGTON FAMILY
*What is P. A. S? Parent Alienation Syndrome?
How does it impact children?
OPEN ADOPTIVE
www.xpandedfamilymag.com
Xpanded (Expanded) Family Defined- Xpanded (or expanded) family-is any group who declares themselves to be a family. Legal and biological ties may be there, however, not necessary within the expanded family dynamic.
See Inside for: • Fitness • Nutrition • Balance • And More •
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