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HEALTH
What Does indoor tanning have to do with Vitamin D?
Exposure to UVB from sunshine is the body’s natural way to produce vitamin D, accounting for 90 percent of vitamin D production. Dietary “supplements” are just that: Supplemental ways to produce vitamin D. Research has shown that people who utilize indoor tanning equipment that emits UVB – which most tanning equipment does – also produce vitamin D. And studies have also shown that indoor tanning clients have higher vitamin D blood levels than non-tanners. While the North American indoor tanning industry promotes itself as a cosmetic service, one undeniable side-effect of that cosmetic service is vitamin D production. Even though it is not necessary to develop a tan to produce vitamin D, this should be considered: Because research suggests that the risks associated with sun exposure are related to intermittent sunburns, it is credible to believe that the benefits of regular, moderate non-burning exposure outweigh the easily manageable risks associated with overexposure. New research on breast cancer, prostate cancer, ovarian cancer, colon cancer, heart disease, multiple sclerosis and other deadly diseases — research that shows that regular sun exposure may play a key part in preventing the onset or retarding the growth of these deadly diseases — supports the position that moderate sun exposure, for those of us who can develop a tan, is the best way to maximize the potential benefits of sun exposure while minimizing the potential risks of either too much or too little exposure. Darker-skinned individuals may need 5-10 times more exposure than a fair-skinned person to make the same amount of vitamin D. In northern climates sunlight is too weak in parts of the year to make any vitamin D – a period referred to as ‘Vitamin D Winter’. Ultraviolet light exposure from the sun or from an indoor tanning unit is essential for human health, and getting it in a non-burning fashion is the smartest way. The professional indoor tanning industry promotes and teaches what we refer to as The Golden Rule of Smart Tanning: Don’t ever sunburn. For the past decade, the indoor tanning industry has been more effective at teaching sunburn prevention than those who promote complete sun avoidance. Since the mid-1990s, tanning industry research has supported what millions of indoor tanners have known all along: that non-tanners sunburn outdoors more often than people who tan indoors.
M-F 9am-9pm 365 Lancaster Ave. Malvern, PA 19355 Sat 9am-6pm 610-725-0900 Sun 10am-5pm www.bajabeachtanning.com PA’s largest and most modern tanning facility. $26/month unlimited! Beds, standups, high pressure & Mystic UV-free spray tan. No appointments needed!
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Letters To Japan
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Kid Letters to Japan
“There was a bad storm in Japan. Japan is having a very bad time. Their houses are knocked down. The water is very bad to drink. Some people are moving. I think we should get fresh water and good food to eat and money. I want to help Japan. I think Japan needs the most help.” Austin Hines, 3rd Grader A very bad thing has happened in Japan. Over 10,000 people died in the treacherous earthquake and tsunami. We are going to help the people as much as we can. We will send fresh water, good food, clothes, shoes and all the other needs of the people in Japan. Cameron Trotter, 4th Grader HOW TO HELP JAPAN AMERICAN RED CROSS http://paybyweb.com/mainsite/redcross._091508.asp?gclid=CLaFjP7D7acCFQY65Qodyg4wcA SALVATION ARMY https://donate.salvationarmyusa.org/site/c.tvI3IeNUJsE/b.5760419/k.2CB3/Donate_Now/apps/ka/sd/donor.asp?c=tvI3IeNUJsE&b=57 60419&en=6pKBKLOnF5LKIVPqE4JHISPBJpLTK1PxE5KLK1MxHfLNJYNMG
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VOLUME 2
Table of Contents
TABLE OF CONTENTS “A Journey of Hope: Embracing Autism” is exquisite! Virginia Sticinski shares her journey and wisdom as a mother of two amazing boys on the Autism spectrum. While reading, don’t be surprised if you find yourself experiencing “laughter through tears.” Page 6
“How to Overcome: Contention between Biological mom and Stepmom” Claudette Chenevert, uses her expertise as a certified Stepfamily Relationship Coach to help women overcome some of the natural, yet difficult feelings that may evolve over time between the two important women in our children’s lives. Page 8
“The Parent/Teacher Partnership” As a committed elementary school teacher for the past 27 years, M.L Meehan provides expanded families with a step by step guide on “how to” create a strong partnership between home and school. Page 9
“Ask Claudette” We’ve asked our stepfamily relationship coach to answer some of our reader’s questions. Claudette picked a few questions to answer that she felt are primary for many expanded families. She offers practical solutions. Page 10
“The Bio-Stepmom: Who Serves Whom and How?” Andrea Largent introduces us to the family constellations philosophy. She invites us to utilize a simple yet profound three step system that has the power to break the spell of negativity within the family. Page 12
“Bio-Step Mom’s Letters” this section provides both women the opportunity to share their true feelings with each other. We invite readers to listen to how these women feel. The purpose of this section is to allow these women’s voices to be heard. All anonymous, yet all women living within expanded family dynamics. Page 14
“Adult Children of Divorce Share” In our last issue, we heard from our nine and ten year old contributors. They shared what they loved and didn’t love about their expanded families and we also heard from our grandparents. In this issue, we wanted to hear from the young adults! These young adults will share with readers how their parents divorce and expanded family dynamics have impacted their personal relationships and feelings with “Intimacy.” Page 15
“Children’s Book Look” –M.L. Meehan gives us her review on a children’s book called “Dinosaurs Divorce, a guide for changing families” Great review! Page 17
“You as a Couple, Navigating your Life Together” We all know how to create fun for our children yet as adults, we crave fun in our partnerships too. Christina Marie invites readers to “navigate” the fun and excitement that can happen if we allow it to. Page 18
In “Prophecies of your Imagination” Dr Elizabeth Webb invites us to experience ourselves as the creators of our lives via our imagination. As she says “What you imagine will become.” Page 19
“Nutrition for Xpanded Life” Kristen Rubin shares with us the nature of foods for the season and gives us two “spring cleaning” recipes we can enroll our children in making and enjoying with us that also help detoxify Page 20
In “Raising Soul-Centric Kids in an Ego-Centric Society” Dr. Amy Crawford offers parents insightful and practical steps to help children stay in touch with their loving compassionate nature. Page 21
“Talking to your (step-) Kids about S.E.X without dying of embarrassment!” Dr Catherine Dukes uses her expertise as a sexologist to help parents educate their children on what can be a hard topic for many parents. She also gives us her favorite educational books and web resources! Page 22
In “Intimacy (in-to-me-you-see) another way to live in love on this planet” Annie Hart uses her wisdom as a breakthrough coach to enlighten us on our path toward in-tome-you-see. Page 25
“In the Mirror” Our featured father of this issue, Carlos Melendez shares what he has learned about the true meaning of intimacy in his life. He shares his personal insight “in the mirror.” Page 27
In “Money and Intimacy: A Match Made in Heaven?” Dr Kay Lesh invites us to take a look at the impact of money and intimacy within our partnerships. She provides suggestions on how to build trust and to create closeness which is a “nice pay check!” Page 29 In “Fitness Intimacy, the Alchemy of Freedom” Annette Padilla shares her exuberance using her expertise in the fitness industry to help us realize the connection between intimacy and fitness. In addition to this, she provides readers with a 20 minute fat blaster workout! (No equipment necessary) Page 31 In “Face-Time” Rebecca Milora- guides readers through a five step process in learning how to use face-time to cultivate awareness and create a more loving relationship with the most important person in your life-YOU! Page 33
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Table of Contents
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Dear Xpanded Family Magazine Readers,
I’m very proud to present you with another amazing community magazine! What makes this issue very special (other than it’s collection of extraordinary contributors) is the theme of this issue.
Rosemary Lane, Cover Artist shares her personal journey within her expanded family.
This is our Intimacy issue (how exciting!)
It was a challenge for me to recreate my family after a divorce. How do I incorporate a brand new step-family into our lives? Can I give up being right, as well as avoiding and dominating another? In the face of conflict, I apologize. In situations that stretch my old way of being, I choose to listen and be respectful, understanding and compassionate. When my two daughters and I feel safe and supported, love and empowerment grow in the heart of a harmonious home.
I could not be happier with what our XFM community has created. I hope you enjoy the articles as much as I have. With Love, Christina Marie
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; -- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” ~ Jane Austen XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
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Embracing Autism
A Journey of Hope: Embracing Autism By: Virginia Sticinski
Most parents—before actually becoming parents—idealized what parenthood might be like. We thought of bringing our new baby home to rock and cuddle. We thought of the excitement and pride we would feel as he achieved each passing milestone, and let’s face it—most of us even fantasized about the ivy-league school he no doubt would attend—on full-scholarship, of course--thanks to our kickin’ parenting skills and pristine gene-pool. The good news is, for most of us, these aspirations are within reach—or are at least within the realm of possibility. But what happens when it becomes obvious that our child does not fit the mold? When—as we wait patiently for our child to reach the simplest milestones, like saying, “dadda,” or even waving, “bye-bye,” it becomes painfully clear that the path we so carefully mapped out is utterly and perhaps permanently closed? As a parent of two children on the autism spectrum, I have been given the unique opportunity to not only consider these possibilities, but to experience first-hand the profound and sometimes overwhelming effects of this reality. When my husband and I brought our oldest son home on that beautiful fall day, we were both thrilled and anxious. This new, tiny life was completely entrusted to our care, and frankly, I was feeling quite apprehensive in my new role as “mommy.” The usual script played in my mind as we drove home from the hospital (“Wow! Is he really mine), but thanks to the unwavering support of family and friends (including their occasional willingness to babysit) we managed to muddle through the first few months without much incident. We made all of our well-visit appointments, got his vaccines on schedule, and did just about everything as prescribed. The months passed, and we continued to embrace our new role as parents— and for a while even believed we knew what we were doing. In fact, it wasn’t until my son was about fourteen-months old that I got the first inkling that something might be “wrong.”
We were at a routine well-visit appointment, and as we concluded, my pediatrician asked the necessary questions that all pediatricians must ask to determine if their patient is progressing “normally”: “Does he babble? Wave bye-bye? Point? Shake and nod his head?” and so on. To each question, I dutifully answered, “yes”-although I must admit on the drive home I wondered: Have I actually seen him do these things? I mean, I know he refused to wave bye-bye to grandma, but he was just tired-afterall, he can be a moody little guy when he wants to be. –And that time when he lined up all his cars? Well, he’s just a little meticulous. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? And so continued my rationalization until we arrived home. At that point, I resolved to test him myself and put this dialogue to rest. After staging several very informal assessments (“Can you wave byebye? C’mon, wave bye-bye!”), the pit in my stomach grew into full-blown nausea as he consistently refused even simple commands; it became painfully obvious that something was just “not right.” In the weeks that followed, several pediatricians, neurologists, and speech therapists confirmed my fears. My son had autism. At the time, I really had no idea what that meant exactly, as there was little information on the subject. Preliminary research revealed that autism is a pervasive development disorder that involves atypical development in both verbal and nonverbal communication and in the social domain. Schizotypal behaviors, such as OCD, and “stimming” (hand flapping, etc.) may also be present. The disorder may manifest itself differently in different kids because it is a spectrum disorder; thus, one may be mildly or severely affected. Each child on the spectrum is as individual and as varied as any normal child—there is simply no text-book case or “poster child” for autism.
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Needless to say, the news was devastating. All of the dreams we had—the ivy-league school, the scholarship—what now? For us it meant finding new ways to parent and to love; four years later we got that opportunity again when my third son was also diagnosed with autism. As a two-time survivor on the parent side of the dreaded “Have you considered getting your child evaluated for autism?” conversation, my advice is—crazy as it may sound—to embrace it. Yes, that’s right. Embrace it. There are things that you—as a parent of a child on the spectrum—or of a child with any special needs, can do NOW to face these distinctive challenges: First, be empowered. Learn everything you can about your child’s case. Read books, attend seminars, and become an “expert” for and about your child’s needs. Knowledge is power, and acquiring this information will not only help you feel less victimized, but will give you the tools needed to maximize your role in helping him/her achieve his/her full potential. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, learn and teach. Second, be forgiving—not only with your child, but with yourself. There will be days when you are angry. There will be days when you are frustrated. All parents experience these feelings, of course, but what is unique about parents of children with special needs is the guilt over the frustration we feel can be beyond comprehension. We want to believe we are worthy of the task that was put before us, but the bottom line is, there are days when we will come up pathetically short. It’s okay. Allow yourself some bad days—you’re entitled. Next, learn to take it one day at a time—and try to find the joy in each day. After all, though your path may be altered, there is still joy in the journey. Take for instance the time we
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were (a-hem) “teaching” our son to inconspicuously, uh... relieve himself in the ocean (okay, new parents, you may want to stop reading now). You see, one of the possible symptoms of ASD is the tendency for those on the spectrum to see things in black and white—there is no gray area in between. For example, often when a child on the spectrum learns a new skill, he will generally demonstrate the task exactly as he was taught—regardless of the social context. In this case, the skill was (still reading, new parents?) to relieve oneself in the ocean so mom and dad didn’t have to trek a four year-old two miles across a hot, sandy beach to get to the public restroom on the boardwalk. Now, when we instructed our son to just, “go in the water”, he would invariably pull down his bathing suit (as if he were in a bathroom) and basically let the stream flow over anyone who got in his way. Clearly, this is socially unacceptable. Thus, like the good parents we thought we were, we spent much time and effort teaching junior to keep his bathing suit pulled up when he, um… pees…in the ocean, so he can do so inconspicuously. (Ha—there’s a word you don’t associate often with autism!). Again—try to understand how difficult this concept can be for a kid with autism. Pants go down in the bathroom, but stay up in the ocean? Teaching this concept was no easy task for my husband and me, so imagine how thrilled we were when he finally got it. No more long, arduous walks across a blazing hot beach! He finally figured it out! We patted ourselves on the back, packed up for the day, and looked forward to the remainder of our vacation. The next day found our family at the fun pier on the boardwalk. There is one attraction that our kids were especially fond of when they were young: the fun house. This particular fun house had three stories of outdoor netting that children could climb, and a giant slide they could use after they reached the top. Our boy was happily climbing the nets, and was on the third tier, when we heard a parent scream, “Stop! Go back!” Instantly, I knew this had to be about my kid (because it almost always was).
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Other parents joined the chorus, and each was frantically yelling to his/her child to “Move!”, “Get outta the way!” and “Turn back!” When I finally mustered up the courage to look up and see what was going on, I found my son, standing proudly on the top tier of the netting, bathing suit still pulled up on his waist (just as he was taught the previous day at the beach) gleefully peeing on the children below him. Indeed, he learned the skill; however, he was completely oblivious, as are many ASD kids, to the social context. Needless to say, my husband and I were mortified. Yes, most parents can relate to embarrassing moments— but mortification? I instantly went into “damage-control” mode. I turned to the unfortunate gentleman standing next to me and shouted accusingly, “Hey mister! Is that your kid?” (Look, I never said I was ethical, but we’re missing the point here.) Learn to laugh instead of cry. Look for these opportunities often, and when you find them, remember that these are the moments reserved just for us—the moments that parents of “neurotypical” children may never fully understand. Finally, never give up hope. Each day brings new treatments, and research continues to provide insight into the amazing abilities of these incredible individuals. Learn to treat each achievement as the miracle it is. Learn to treat every milestone—no matter how small or how late achieved--as the acceptance letter into that ivy-league university.
The Autism Research Institute:
http://www.autism.com/index.asp
The Autism Society of America:
http://www.autism-society.org/
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VOLUME 2
Biological Mom and Stepmom
How to overcome: Contention between
biological mom and stepmom. BY: Claudette Chenevert For most women, motherhood is seen as a rite of passage, something that is cherished and not to be shared with just anyone, especially not with your husband’s new wife. Giving birth to a child transforms a woman’s view of how the world is (whether real or not). All of a sudden, this new mom feels this intense need to protect her young ones from all those that might cause them harm. She will even go as far as protect her child from the dad if she thinks and feels that he might not be doing a good job.
But what does this all mean for stepmoms? Does this mean she shouldn’t get involved with a man who has children? Does this mean she should not love her step-kids? How can she be a part of these children’s lives without sacrificing herself, her relationship or her marriage? What is the role of a stepmom? The number one question most new stepmoms ask themselves is “How do I address the kids?” “What is my role in the home with them?” “Should I treat them as if they are my own? What if I don’t feel the love of a mother? What if I don’t want to be the one disciplining them?
The mom’s need to protect her young ones is often extended when it comes to other women, especially if that other woman could be seen as a threat to her status as a mother. Emotions and feelings of jealousy creep in if the children see the other woman as more fun to be with, as someone new and exciting with ideas that are different from mom.
.A stepmom’s knowledge of the children
Other issues that can come up for mom can be feelings of not being there all the time for her children, or feelings of not being as “indispensible” as she might have hoped. Once a mom starts to feel her kids pull away from her, she needs to start to rethink who she is as an individual and as a woman. If her sole identity was one of motherhood, she finds it really hard to relinquish even part of this to another woman, who in her mind had not earned the right to be called a mother
is based on what she has read or learned from other parents (or from her personal experience if she has children of her own). But still, raising someone else’s children is very difficult. The children were taught different values and traditions than hers. She needs to understand within a very short period all the family history and dynamics that constitute this family. She needs to seek how she fits into this ready made family that often has its own secret language and codes of conduct that she often can perceive as being rude and offensive Here are some things to consider and think about regarding the care of the children: Children just want to be loved by the people who care for them. They learn to put labels on grownups because the adults do it. Ask yourselves what is truly in the best interest of the child.
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Start to explore what you have in common. You might be surprise to discover that you both enjoy similar things. Be open to at least consider the possibilities. Offer a peace offering to the other woman. Start with a card, whether it be for mother’s day, birthday or just a card to say thank you for something done. It can even be a card made by the kids in which you helped to make. Something simple that shows you thought of the other person and you respect her for what she does. Invite the mom/stepmom to meet in a neutral location such as at a coffee shop, restaurant or even the park. Be open to see this woman as just that, a fellow woman that you are meeting for the first time and you’d like to get to know her as she is rather that judge her for what you heard she’s done. Remember that in relationships, there are two people conducting it. We all have some level of responsibility for what goes on in a relationship. Remember, no one is perfect, not even you. We all learn through our trials and errors. Unless there is a true life threatening danger, ask yourself if the kids are OK with the other person, then let them spend time with them without making the kids feel guilty about it. View the other woman as someone that loves and cares for the wellbeing of the kids, even if it might be different that what you would do. Children learn to become a lot more resilient when they learn different ways to cope with life issues. The best way to teach this to children is by showing them yourself how to cope and work with others when it comes to their upbringing.
Parent/Teacher Partnership
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The Parent/ Teacher Partnership
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By M L Meehan
Are you a “partner in education” with your child or stepchild’s teacher? If not, you should be! Children’s parents are their very first teachers. The current teacher only has your child for a year, in most circumstances. You belong in a partnership with your child’s teacher(s), whether you are a biological parent, a stepparent, or even a significant other to a child’s parent. A child in an expanded family is luckier, in some ways, than those with a mere two parents. There are more adults looking out for them, more homework helpers, more advocates. It can be confusing to the teacher when expanded families are involved. That’s why the parent/teacher partnership is so necessary. How do you create this partnership? You can start with the list below. TOP 5 SUGGESTIONS TO PROMOTE A HEALTHY PARENT/ TEACHER PARTNERSHIP 1 Communicate 2 Stay informed 3. Conference 4. No dissing! 5. Volunteer
1. Communicate in person, email, or a note with the child’s teacher. Introduce yourself, then suggest what the teacher should call you. Teachers appreciate this, especially in situations where a stepmother and mother both have the same last name. Explain your relationship to the child, and include what the child calls you. Tell the teacher when and how often you see the child. Teacher Jen Strawley reminds parents, “Keep the teacher informed of any changes.” 2. Stay informed by requesting copies of papers being sent home, especially if you are not the custodial parent. If your school is going green and cutting back on papers sent, check if there is an automatic weekly email, electronic newsletter, and/or a school or teacher website. If you request copies of papers and don’t receive any after a few weeks, check your children’s backpacks. If none are found, politely repeat your request. Ask the teacher if you could provide a brightly colored laminated folder on which you write your name to help her remember.
After your first shipment arrives, take a minute to write a quick thank you note, or send out a little email of gratitude. 3. Conference with the teacher, either at conference times, or the week before or after them. If possible, attend the conference with your spouse/ partner. That will help the teacher make connections to names, faces, and relationships. One of the best situations I’ve ever encountered with blended families was a memorable parent/teacher conference twenty years ago! Why do I remember it still? All four parents came to the same conference! Both parents had remarried, and they put aside their personal stuff for the best interest of little Chris. I knew he was a priority to all of them when they requested a combined conference. Everyone heard me share the same information about my student. What a lucky little guy! (This was the only time in my career that I’ve had this kind of conference, so if you aren’t there in your journey, don’t sweat it!)
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4. No Dissing! Refrain from negative comments to the teacher about the child’s other parent or stepparents or partner choices. The Blame Game does not belong in school. Be positive, and be part of the solution. “Though it may be difficult,” explains teacher Enissa Borine, “make every effort to not triangulate the teacher in the parent/parent situation. Remember the teacher’s goal is how to best help your child. Keep that as your goal, too.” 5. Volunteer. Join the PTA, be a homeroom parent, chaperone a field trip, or make cookies for the bake sale. Does the school need library volunteers or after-school club sponsors? Look for a place where you can fit comfortably. Find a little niche where you won’t step on the other parent’s toes. If you’re more involved in the school, it’s easier to feel like a member of the team. Maybe this seems like an impossible list! Then I recommend just concentrating on one of the points for now. Maybe you can declare, “I’m doing all of these already.” If that’s so, add some of your own partnership ideas. Be willing to go with the flow, but keep the focus on your child’s best interests. If this is truly in your heart, the teacher will infer that a parent/ teacher partnership is possible. And that will benefit you, the teacher, and, of course, your child.
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Ask Claudette ASK CLAUDETTE
BY: Claudette Chenevert
1.“What’s the best response when your stepchildren ask you if you like their mother and you don’t, but don’t want to hurt the child’s feelings?” I believe that children are very perceptive to what adults think and feel and when we try to pretend otherwise, children get confused as to what is true or not. Pretending that you like someone when you don’t only teaches the children to not trust what they experience. But it is also very important that the children don’t feel divided into having to choose to love either parent. One way to deal with this is by explaining to them “We all have our own ideas of how things should go and sometimes, we get frustrated because, we don’t always get our way. Your mom and I don’t always see eye to eye on certain things. It can be like when someone disagrees with what you say or do, it can frustrate you and maybe even anger you. You learn to tolerate and live with the differences others have about what you do and say. ” Teaching tolerance of others differences, by modeling tolerance, is a great skill to teach our kids. As a stepmom, you are not saying to them that you like their mother or not but simply acknowledging that you have different views and that you can respect them.
2. “How do you recommend a biological mother or stepmother work through jealousy and/or control issues? Or recognize that this may be the core of the issue?” Jealousy and control issues are two difficult areas people have to deal with, no matter what kind of family dynamics they are in. Both of these issues are signs that she is fearful of either loosing the love of the kids, of the spouse or of her status or that she lacks trust in the relationship. Without an in-depth analysis of why this person feels like this, the best approach is sometimes to simply acknowledge the emotion and be open to clarifying what is really going on for this person. There may be some misconceptions or misunderstandings about roles people are playing within the relationship. Here are some recommendations for addressing jealousy and/or control issues. If this is in regard to you feeling jealous or wanting to be in control: Start by acknowledging the issue. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge Ask yourself what you are afraid of losing? What is it that the other person really has that you don’t? Take a look at yourself and ask yourself what your qualities and strengths are? Recognize that you have a lot that you can contribute that is positive, that has values. It may not be the same as the other person, but that is OK. Your contribution to the family and relationship is important also. If this is in regard to the other person feeling jealous or wanting to be in control: Ask yourself if you are contributing to making the other person feel jealous? Are you purposefully showing off in a way that you know the other person is lacking or desiring? Is there a possibility that there could be some misunderstanding about the situation at hand? Miscommunication is often the culprit for many ill feelings. If at all possible, try to approach the other person with empathy for what she is going through. Acknowledging that it can be hard to deal with certain issues is one way to break down the barriers. Extend the olive branch. Offer to help the other person through an action to show that she doesn’t have anything to be jealous about. Include the other person in what is going on instead of excluding them. This way, it shows that you are sincerely interested in having her be a part of the event rather than keep it all for yourself.
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ASK CLAUDETTE
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3. “What do you do when the values are so different between two homes? For example, things that are acceptable, even funny in the other home, I can’t condone in mine. Entertainment that is acceptable in one home, the other can’t condone. What do you do and how do you address it without making the other family look like poo ?” This is often the case where the homes have two different “cultures” and is normal to some extent. You are introducing another person with different sets of values and background to a family that had some pre-established traditions and values. What is important to understand is that although families differ somewhat in the way they function, there are still quite a bit of things that are similar. Try focusing and what values are the same. It is extremely rare when absolutely everything is different and nothing is the same. It could be something like, “children need to brush their teeth before going to bed” or “the children need to put away their toys after they are finished playing with them.” Too often, we focus on what is different and is not working instead of what is similar and functioning. Ask yourself if the entertainment that the child is watching at the other home with ruin his/her character forever? Think of it this way: When the children go to see their friends, it is really difficult to control what is going on in that friend’s home. There needs to be a time when you will have to trust your son or daughter to make that judgment call. It is also OK to have rules that are different from the other home. For example, if you are strongly against certain types of music in your home, it is actually impossible for you to prevent your child from being exposed to it elsewhere. But what you can do is take the time to share with your child your concerns around the issues that you are not happy or comfortable with. Be clear as to why you are not OK with certain behaviors. If it’s simply because you don’t like what they are doing at their other parent’s home, this is not a good enough reason. There will be a time when the kids leave home, go to college or go off into the world to start their own family. Trust that what you teach them in your home will stay with them. The kids also have a personal responsibility as to the way they live their lives. 4.“How do I deal with a stepmom that I don’t know, but that I want to know (because my child is in her care) but my ex refuses a meeting?” This is more common than people might realize. The husband often won’t encourage communication between the women because he might be fearful of having some negative information about him shared. Here are a few things to consider and do. First ask yourself what your true motive for contacting the stepmom is. If it’s to truly connect and get to know her as the caregiver of your child then that is a good idea. Approach your ex with an open agenda as to what you would like to know about his new wife. Use her name if you know what it is. Treat this person with respect. Show that you are genuinely sincere about making a connection in order to make the lives of everyone easier Explain to your ex that there will come a time when you will need to be in contact with the stepmom, either for a school activity, event, graduation or other. You want to make the interactions between both of you as comfortable as possible so as to not make the child not feel awkward. Ask your ex what it is that he is really fearful of.? Ask him if there are topics that are to not be discussed, in regards to the relationship between him and you. This is not the place or time to air out dirty laundry between the ex and you to his new wife. It is your ex’s place to tell his new wife (if he chooses to) why you are no longer together and the conflicts and issues you had. By you sharing this information with the stepmom, you will not be seen as an ally but rather as someone trying to come between the couple. It is truly in the best interests of the child when the parents can come together and agree to co-parent. This helps to minimize the power kids might have of playing one parent against the other in order to get things they want.
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VOLUME 2
BIO-STEPMOM
Bio-Stepmom – Who serves Whom, and How? By: Andrea Largent The answer is simple: How the parents respect one another is key in allowing the new partner to respect the previous partner, and sets the foundation for children to stay connected to all family members, biological and non-biological. Now, when I speak of respect, what do I mean exactly? This requires an introduction to the Family Constellations Philosophy developed by Bert Hellinger about 30 years ago in Germany and about 10 years ago in the United States. Its roots are in the field of systemic family therapy, though Family Constellations practice rarely operates in a psychological context. In fact, it concerns itself foremost with who belongs to the family, thereby looking at the structural element of families, including past and future generations. This structural perspective occurs outside of psychology or behavioral approaches and therefore shall not be read within this context. The function of a family system is primarily to survive, and the order within that system will act according to that particular law. For that survival to occur, no one can get lost, and no one can lose their place in the birth-order or the order of relation. So, within the co-existence and complimentarily of psychology, Family Constellations has observed some extra-ordinarily practical solutions to blended family scenarios, which bring enormous relief and resolution if followed.
Step 1: The most important step in
bringing a blended family together is for the parents who separated to stay respectful. Respect. What I mean here is for these two individuals to honor each other for who they are in the depths of their being: parents. The position that parents: mother and father, hold in the family system can never be changed, not by divorce or separation, not by good or bad deeds, not even by death. Structurally speaking, the parental connection remains indissoluble. So, while the parents obviously had differences that led to separation or divorce, they live with those differences on the behavioral level. On the structural level, they need to honor the fact that a bond was forged so profoundly that it is indissoluble. Another way of saying this would be to say that the love that both parents held for one another in the past continues through their children. And children want their parents to be happy. It’s that simple.
How do I determine whether the parents respect each other? Easily; Ask them, or yourselves, as you are reading this, if they can say the following within their heart: “When I look at you, my dear child, I see the love I once held for your father in you. And I am glad to see it.” Whenever I propose this statement to separated parents, I see the initial shock in their eyes. The pain, the hurt, and the accusations are deeply seated, even years after the separation, even in cases where a “mutual agreement” has been worked out and is supposedly functional. Yet, the child is rebellious with stepdad or stepmom, at school or with friends. Children cannot be easily fooled. All of you parents know that. Your child is tuned into you. If you have a hectic day, what does your baby do? It gets cranky as well, or becomes flawless. Similarly children remain deeply connected to the love and respect that mom and dad hold for one another. They remain so life-long. They pass this picture on to their own children, and they choose partners according to these inner, most unconscious pictures. In the context of this deep connection, children come to the aid of the weaker parent. Who is the weaker parent? Again, we look at this structurally, not behaviorally. The weaker party in a child’s unconscious heart is the one who receives the least respect and love. The child’s wish is to lessen the disrespect, the pain and the grief that comes with the disrespect. Therefore the child takes on the task, unconsciously, of assisting in any way possible. If the child’s aid is ignored or forbidden, the child has an internal conflict that seriously impacts his or her development and creates a weak foundation for future adult relationships. So, the full statement for parents, in this instance the father, goes like this: “When I look at you, I see your mother in you. I love that about you and if you chose to become just like her that will be all right with me.”
Step 2: Let’s now focus on the new parents:
the step-parents and their position in the family. Again, the philosophy is simple: As long as respect is handled appropriately among the adults, the children have an easy transition into a wider understanding of family life. Remember, our children have no conscious perception of what a family should / should not look like. They react to what seems right and good to them, to what makes people happy and unhappy. So, if the parents are all right with the new wife or husband of their parent and nothing is lost for the child, then the expansion to more moms, dads, or siblings is a fairly easy one.
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On the other hand, if the child is assisting the ‘weaker’ parent, openly or secretly, it is not going to be open to introducing another player into the complicated world of home life, love, survival and loyalty. Step-parents ought to be greeted with respect, and they ought to enter respectfully. The new wife (stepmom) coming into a child’s life shall say to the biological mother (inwardly!): “Thank you for making room, so I can be here next to the man I love. And thank you for allowing me to be a part of your family.” This inner attitude is important whenever we move to a new adult relationship. The ‘old’ relationship needs acknowledgment, as does the new one. Imagine it this way: If I come into a new relationship with a man, and he trashes all his former spouses, a part of me will instinctively be more cautious, as I could end up being talked about in the same manner 5, 10 or 15 years from now. So, we need to hold respect in our hearts and minds for all those who have been with us, for all those who have made room for us, so that new spouses can honor our previous spouses. And we can honor their previous ones. In short, we do not enter an adult relationship from a vacuum. We come with memories of the ones we’ve lost (generationally speaking as much as personal), spouses, parents, grandparents, culture, and religion. And we meet the other with all of their ancestral memories and histories. Greeting one another from that place is different from greeting one another from a place of one man to one woman in the current time space continuum. And blended families know that. They live and breathe the experience and challenge of this complexity daily. Unfortunately, western societies offer little support for dealing with this complexity. In cultures with more regard for the essential bonds of survival and human relations, there would be very little trouble with stepfamilies. In native traditions, for instance, the parents of a murdered son will take the murderer into their family with the understanding that, ‘he who took our son will now take his place to honor him’.
BIO-STEPMOM Step 3: Who decides about the child’s care
and future? The biological parents remain the primary decision makers. As I write this, I feel, see and know the distress this can cause stepparents. Let me be clear: In the Family Constellation Perspective the step-parent holds a number-two position. The first structural precedence is biological parents before children. Again, the Family Constellation Perspective approaches this from the systemic view of functional health, thrive and equilibrium. Once parents separate, children take precedence over any future adult relationship. How can I say that? Again, these structural observations that we call orders within the family system are revealed through its effects on the thriving of a family. For the survival, and thriving of a family to be secured, the parents must first assure their relation. The birth of children is secondary. If that relationship ends after children are born, the parenting relation remains active and the children take precedence before anyone else to assure thriving. It cannot function any other way. This is not to be seen as a behavioral pattern. In other words, the structural perspective of family constellations is not about how children or parents behave. Rather, it focuses on the structure of the family system – its skeleton so to speak. Viewed structurally, the step-parents bond, while important and supportive, is not the same as the biological bond. This does not mean that a step-parent shall not be heard or acknowledged. In fact, in many cases, it is the step-parent who on a daily basis provides for, nurtures and loves the child, although the stepparent holds a secondary position in the family structure. Keeping the number-two position in mind and heart while caring for a child on a daily basis can be difficult at times or even appear to be impossible. Even this depends on how complete and respectful the bio-parents hold each other internally.
VOLUME 2 Finally: Who serves whom and how? In the best case scenario, we serve our children. We assist them to grow into beautiful adults, to be successful in life, strong, healthy and bright and for their future families to be loving, kind and generous to one another. In this context, the structure of a Bio-Step-Family is complex. Yes. But it is not doomed to failure. I have observed many families where adults, who, frankly, were severely dysfunctional and hurtful with one another, or children were acting out severely. But in a short period of time, they grew into respectful parents and co-parents. And children relaxed. It can happen, and the 3 steps outlined in this brief article are crucial to this transformation – as well as for long-term success. Naturally, there are many factors that appear to disable the philosophy of respect: drug addictions, mental illnesses, suicides, or criminal activity, to name a few. These factors appear not to allow for the respect that families need. Yet I am stating that respect is always achievable. Take the statement I mentioned before: “When I look at you, I see your father/mother in you.” Or “Thank you for making room, so I can be here too.” These statements do not remove normal responsibilities from parents for their behavior. If father is a drug lord, the consequences for him and his family will be severe. And I feel for the mother who struggles to say, “If you become like your father that would be all right with me.” At the same time, I know that if she keeps alive the internal voice that shouts, “Please don’t be like your father!”, who will the child align with internally? Yes, the father, the parent perceived by the child to be in the weaker position. And what happens in the future is a drug overdose at 18-21 years, or a marriage to a drug dealer at 25 years, or a drug-addicted grandchild. If keeping things secret or not processing negativity worked, we would live in a balanced world of functioning relations right now. But it doesn’t work. Our “don’t be like this or that statements and attitudes” hold us in a spell and our children pay for it. These 3 steps can break that spell, and I encourage you to give them a try and see what happens. Thank you very much for listening.
For further reference, please visit her website at: http://familyconstellations1.vpweb.com/
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Xpanded F a m ily 2 011 Important Dates to
Remember: May 8th, 2011MOTHERS DAY June 19th, 2011FATHERS DAY September 16th, 2011Stepfamily Day
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VOLUME 2
Bio-Stepmom letters
BIO-STEPMOM Dear BM, You have two wonderful, intelligent, creative, and fun kids whom I feel very blessed to have in my life. Thank you for graciously “sharing” them with me and taking the time to tell me that you feel blessed that I am in their life as well. It feels good to know that you think I’m a good influence on them and that you can see how much I care. As comfortable as you are with our home, I really do wish you’d try to spend more time with the kids. They miss you. They need you. They need their mom! I don’t understand why, when you COULD spend time with them, you choose NOT to. Some parents would kill for the opportunity to have 50/50. I worry sometimes because it feels like even when they are with you they aren’t the priority in your life that they could be. Because I worry, I feel like Dad and I have to prepare them to be very independent so that no matter how long it takes you to find yourself, no matter your schedule, your current boyfriend, your social life or mood, they will have the tools they need to succeed in life.
Dear SM, It was a difficult time for me when you came into the picture. BF and the wife before you had just separated a few weeks before. My children were mourning the loss of their step sister. The last time that the kids saw their step sister, they didn’t know it would be the last time. BF denied them the chance to say goodbye to her. I was hurting because I was watching my children hurt. When BF told me that he was moving in with you I was angry. I judged his decision to move in with you so soon. I felt like he wasn’t considering the children’s feelings. Even though you aren’t responsible for his past choices, I was angry with you too. I didn’t understand why you couldn’t see how difficult this was for the kids. When I found out about your children, I was sad for them too. When you invited my husband and me out to dinner I was still so angry. I wish I could have really taken the chance to get to know you then. I regret that I didn’t.
That makes me sad. I know they have fun with you. I’d like to have more fun with them instead of being the heavy. They seem to think of you as the fun big sister and not a parent. I feel like you are leaving the “mom parenting” to me. As much as I would love to take that as a compliment, you do realize that I am not a mom and have no idea what I’m doing, right? I spend countless hours on parenting bulletin boards, quizzing friends who are parents and reading books trying to find ways to navigate the seemingly endless mine field that is tween parenting. I’ve arrived on the scene 11-13 years late and there is no manual to be found! I don’t want to screw them up! So please help! How do YOU want your kids raised?
I realize now that all the judging that I did in the beginning was wrong. My anger didn’t change anything. It only stopped me from getting to know you as a person, and put a wedge between the extended family that is me, you, my husband, your husband, and our children. If I could go back, I would have said what I needed to say one time and then let go of any judgment and worry. I’m sorry that I made things difficult. The kids enjoy spending time with you, BF, and your children. I appreciate that you make that a positive experience for them. I respect your need to run your house as you see fit. I only ask that you never physically punish the children. When you threaten to spank them it is frustrating and upsetting to me. Should you ever make good on that threat, it will be the end of any amicable relationship between us. This is my only request. Physical punishment is the only thing that I will not tolerate. I know how strongly you disagree with this. Please know that I am not asking this of you in order to undermine your authority in your home. This has been my choice as a parent for the last 12 years. I don’t think its right for anyone to change that at this stage in the game.
I’m also bothered by the way you treat your ex husband. He has bent over backwards to accommodate you, given you extra money while you’ve been unemployed, and covered every expense for the kids in addition to paying you child support. He does this to ensure that the kids can continue to enjoy the standard of life they had before you left while they’re with you and because he feels compassion and a sense responsibility for you after many years together. Yet you still treat him poorly with a sharp tongue and little consideration or appreciation. If I could have only one wish in our current situation, it would be for you to behave like a responsible parent instead of a spoiled, fun loving child. You’ve got these wonderful kids yet you don’t show up for their concerts, their school appointments, their lessons, parent meeting, games, nothing. You don’t just not help them with their homework, you tell them NOT to do it--even offering to write them excuses so you can take them out to do fun things instead. You tell everyone who will listen how much you love your kids and miss them but you just don’t show up as a parent. As much as it hurts me to watch, it is going to hurt them more.
I hope that we can share all the joys that the future holds for the children together. Sincerely, BM
Dear girlfriend of BF, There have been many times that I wanted to reach out to you to discuss my actions/behavior toward you but there were many reasons which caused me not to speak with you. You have been in the picture since before my child was born. You and my ex claimed you were ‘just friends’ but call it woman’s intuition, I knew better. You even went as far as writing a note in a card to my child. So to allow you two to have what you wanted, I asked him to move out. I have no regrets with that decision. My main concern has always and will always be the relationship my child has with his father. He only gets to see his father 4 days a month and possibly more depending on work and school. My child adores his father and says how he would like to be with just him every now and then. The one on one time is quite infrequent. Our relationship started out based on lies and mistrust. To this day, I find gaining trust and respect extremely difficult. Primarily, it’s the continuing daily actions on your behalf that continue to intensify my anger toward you. I am sure you are great to my son (which is appreciated); however, not allowing the one on one time with my son and his BF is detrimental to their relationship. While I realize, this is something that my son’s father needs to create, I don’t understand why you do not use your own biological mother status to support and encourage my son’s desire to have some alone time with his own father. I wish you and BF would stop thinking this is about me and realize the desire of a young boy is very real. I feel you should already be aware of this. I’m challenged to trust and believe that you do have my child’s best interest or well-being at heart. It’s just true that a son needs his father. While I realize your son spends more time with my child’s father then my son does, is anyone even considering my son’s feelings? This upsets my child tremendously. What’s most alarming is your need to spread lies about me stating that I have ‘done things to you’ which is another cause for my discontent. These fabrications (I believe) have a direct impact on the co-parenting relationship I have with my son’s father. It is quite obvious that you do not care about me and the things that I go through on a daily basis raising a child on my own. You seem to rely solely on my child’s BF. Because of the financial struggles my son’s BF goes through, I try not to be a burden on him. I know that he would give it to me if I asked but then it feels as though I am begging. I take care of the majority of my child’s financial responsibilities which has caused a great deal of stress on me & my family. For fear of him becoming upset or angry, I try not ask for additional monies that we desperately need. I feel your impact on my son’s father damages many areas. Do you know what it feels like to not have enough money to buy your child sneakers or living paycheck to paycheck to put food on the table? Maybe you do, I don’t really know. All I know is that I strive every day to provide my child with a wonderful, happy and healthy life and I have no other conclusions to make other than your influence over my son’s father as it relates to me is a negative one, the actions and fabrications (I Feel) are just as much a block as my inability to forgive and forget. In my heart and soul, I know I should forgive and forget. My mind tells me otherwise which is causing me not to evolve. I just pray that some day, you would see that I was never truly the enemy. I just wanted what was best for ,my child. BM
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If I could have a second wish, I wish you’d just let them live with us full time officially instead of unofficially like it is now. If you’re only going to take them 4-5 days out of 30, what’s the point of 50/50? Just let them stay with us during school so they can know stability and succeed. When they are home, they are respectful, responsible kids. I know they are 1/2 you. They are 0 me. I have never tried to be their mom. But when you fail to step up, I feel like you put me in a position to need to at least be a parent. That really wasn’t what I thought I was signing up for. Please come back to us. Back to reality and back to your kids. They love you. They need you. If there’s something we can do to help, we are happy to. We want very much for you to be in the kids’ lives. We wish you-I wish you--the very best. But the kids come first for me and that’s why I wish I could hand you this letter. Someday soon, I hope they start coming first for you before you lose them altogether like my father lost me while he was busy finding himself. I don’t wish that on you or them. Regards, SM
BF=Biological father SM=Stepmother BM-Birth mother
Children of Divorce
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Adult Children of Divorce Share
Dear XFM,
Dear XFM,
When I was three years old my parents got a divorce. I used to say that I was too young to remember. But I actually used to have nightmares about that last night my parents lived under the same roof. My parents break up was rough, to say the least. The night it happened they had put me to bed and went downstairs to do what ever they were going to do. Like every other night, I laid in bed playing with my bear and then I could hear my dad’s loud voice but it was not staying at its normal level. It kept escalating. Then my mom’s voice got loud, and that is not something that usually happened. That’s when I became the little kid who snuck to the top of the steps to eavesdrop on what was happening. I do not actually recall what was being said. All I knew was that it was not good, and I was crying. Then I remember a glass or metal object being thrown across the room. Now I am not sure when this happened but I remember walking to the car holding my moms hand but something was not right the car was full and mom was not in a good mood.
I was 13 when my parents sat me down at what used to be “our” kitchen table and spoke the five words that every child dreads hearing: “We are getting a divorce.” For the five seconds it took for them to say that, I could have sworn that it was more like five hours. I was in total shock. I felt betrayed, hurt, and confused. How did I not see this coming? How could my parents go back on their wedding vows that were supposed to represent an everlasting bond? Would I have to live with my mom or my dad and how would I choose? Since that day, trust and love were two things that I had issues with. It was nearly impossible for me to let anyone in.
As I grew up, I used to think that one day my mom and dad would be together again. But I am sure that every child that goes through divorce thinks that way and truly believes it. I didn’t think that it really had an effect on me until now. Now, I know it took a toll on me. I learned this through my experience in relationships. When I look back on my past relationships, especially the ones that lasted only two weeks… they were all affected in some way, shape, or form. I was too clingy or I cared so much, I smothered people. Or the “well you’re not calling me back so that means you don’t have any interest in me anymore.” All of what I just said is basically me having severe trust issues. My trust issues got even worse when my first long term relationship tore apart. Now, I realize that was actually a good thing for two reasons: one, she was too old for me, and secondly we were both on different levels of what we wanted with each other. Before the school year started this year I had the blessing of meeting a girl on Facebook which is funny I never thought I would find a girlfriend on Facebook. Now at this time I was not intending on getting serious with anyone, and I almost messed everything up with her when I went on my winter break with a buddy. Because of my time away, I almost lost my chance to be as happy as I am now. But by the good graces from her heart she took a chance on me which honestly if the roles were reversed I probably wouldn’t have. At the beginning of the relationship I still didn’t realize how lucky I was to have her. I was still hung up over another girl that I knew since preschool. I didn’t actually grasp what I had till one morning at my dads house I woke up and I was never happier, I woke up to the most beautiful girl I could ever have the privilege of calling my girlfriend. Even then I didn’t let her completely in. I only let her in “so much” and if I felt like I was going to get hurt, I could still pull away if I needed to but when I did that, I lost out. I didn’t understand how good it felt to let someone in. So in closing, my parents divorce, did affect my ability to trust and be intimate, but what I’m learning is, it’s ok to trust and having intimacy in my life and it’s a gift. 19 year old in Wayne, Pa
A deep fear set in, the fear that if I let anyone get close enough, they would run away. Fear that I was incapable of loving someone because of how hurt I was from my parents’ divorce. Instead of instilling this fear upon myself and letting it cultivate into a negative attribute, I cultivated it into something positive. I promised myself that if I was to fall in love, I would make sure that it was something that I wanted to last a lifetime, with little fear of crashing and burning. I promised myself that if I was ever to have a child, it would never turn into a product of a divorced marriage. Being 18, marriage and children are not things that I am focused on currently, but I cannot help but think about what lies ahead. Currently, I am in a relationship that I can sincerely say is real. Call me crazy, call me a hopeless romantic, call me too young to know what love is-- but if you have ever experienced that feeling of being 100% yourself and having someone accept everything about you, including your imperfections, you know what I am talking about. I do not let people in easily because I do not trust easily. But with him, everything comes so naturally. We both are products of divorced parents and because of this we could relate on how it has made us feel. Being hurt has allowed for both of us to strive to avoid hurting each other. We feed off of each other because we trust each other and trust is something that does not come easy for either of us. It is a balancing act. I use my experiences to help him and he uses his experiences to help me. As much as I push, he pulls and vice versa. Do we fight? Every couple does, but instead of yelling and screaming and continuing on, we yell, get calm and talk, and then laugh. Laughter truly is the best medicine and even when we are not fighting, we seem to always manage to laugh. Being products of divorced parents I can say has helped make us the people that we are today. I fell in love with the person that he is. I fell in love with his smile, his goofy personality, his ear that is bent more than the other, his laugh, his athletic abilities, his determination to be something great, his need for affection and his ability to give it…the list goes on and on. By falling in love with him, I also had to fall in love with the things that he carried. The hurt from individuals in his past, the hurt from experiencing death, his easily flared temper when angry, his family’s problems-- all things which although can take a toll, are fixable. Fixable is not something that our parents’ divorce is, but we are able to fix what we have previously seen broken. We can fix the hurt that we have had to deal with because we have each other. We have each other to help deal with the bigger issues at hand on a personal level which helps us both grow as individuals. It is spring time, so let me make a reference. Life is a giant garden blooming with experience. In our combined gardens, there are flowers and weeds. The weeds are the annoying things that can often be difficult to pull, but with enough effort, are easily taken care of. The flowers represent our growth. Some flowers are much taller than others and more vibrant in color. Other flowers are smaller, duller, and more delicate. Despite size, it is the fact that growth is constantly taking place. Love is constantly taking place in my relationship and because of it, I can grow. The love that died in my parent’s relationship caused me to hide away from the idea of love, however, this has also allowed me to grow from being hurt and it allowed me to connect to someone on an intimate level beyond comprehension. Now that I am in a relationship, trust is the basis for our love. Trust is the soil in the garden of life. If it was not for my soil being compromised and weeds overtaking the beauty of my flowers, I would not be able to look at the garden I have today. Sure there are still some weeds in my garden today, but now I can stand back and really appreciate all that love and life has to offer. 18 year old in West Chester, Pa
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VOLUME 2
Children of Divorce
Children’s Book Look By M. L. Meehan DINOSAURS DIVORCE: A guide for changing families, by Laurene Krasney Brown and Marc Brown. Little Brown and Company: Boston, 1986. Written by Marc Brown (Arthur series) and his wife, this amazing little book is full of wisdom and emotion. Don’t let the cute little pictures fool you! There are an abundance of meaty topics gently but skillfully handled. Among the 12 topics included are Why Parents Divorce, Having Two Homes, and Meeting Parents’ New Friends. Though advertised as being for 4- to 8-year-olds, preschool through upper elementary children would appreciate the Browns’ hand
X X Volume 1
Number 1
November 2010
PANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE " I t t a k e ’ s aFAMILY V i l l a g e t o r a iLIVING se a child." PNDED
Xpanded Family Magazine
“ I t t a k e s a Vi l l a g e t o r a i s e a c h i l d ”
- Ancient African Proverb
STEPFAMILIES
THE VANREYMERSDAL FAMILY
THE VANREYMERSDAL FAMILY Interview on page TBD
* Embrace the
We’d love to hear from you! Let us know what you think of this intimacy issue, please contact us at:
*Money Costs
Holidays
The Emotional Meaning of Money
The Step Family Way
* How to Handle
*What is P. A. S? Parent Alienation Syndrome?
Strong-Willed
Children
How does it impact children?
THE GARLINGTON FAMILY
OPEN ADOPTIVE
Xpanded (Expanded) Family Defined- Xpanded (or expanded) family-is any group who declares themselves to be a family. Legal and biological ties may be there, however, not necessary within the expanded family dynamic.
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Family Constellations with the Colored Fields Andrea B. Largent, MSW, CYT Devon, Media, Wilmington 610-513-2757
www.fieldconstellations.net- constellations@gmx.net
Consultations & Counseling for Individuals, Couples, Families, Groups. Training and Lectures
Massage by Christina Christina M Whinnery Nationally Certified Massage Therapist
484-340-2506 christina1120@msn.com http://massagebychristina.blogspot.com/
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Andrew Fetterman DC,CSCS, CPT Chiropractic Physican
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www.JackieOCreations.com
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VOLUME 2
Navigating your life
Taken from the workbook “Navigational Skills for Stepfamilies” http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/navigational-skills-for-stepfamilies/14307086
You, as a Couple, Navigating your life together “In healthy, fun, inspiring, married lives, partners have their own lives, away from the children” By: Christina Marie
Take excellent care of your primary relationship with the adult. If the children live with you, find ways to keep your relationship a priority, even if it’s putting the kids to bed at eight o’clock so that you and your partner can have alone time each night. Or use those weekends when the children are at the other parent’s house to have fun adventures. If the children only visit and don’t live with you full time, you and your partner absolutely have the time to be with one another and keep your primary relationship as tight as possible. If you do not make this a priority, all of your alone time without the children is about work, schedules, sleeping and paying the bills. Then it’s only natural that resentments, which have nothing to do with children, will be present. It will look like the children are the problem, when the children have nothing to do with what the real issue is. In healthy, fun, inspiring, married lives, partners have their own lives away from the children. They get a babysitter and go on dates. They have their own lives away from each other as well. They get their bodies to the gym, and they have lunch with friends. Children get to experience that the adults not only take care of them, they take care of each other and themselves as individuals. If any of these elements are missing, you may end up feeling the imbalances of life. Our feelings of unhappiness are normally an indicator that we aren’t living as fully as we are capable. Having some sense of fun in your adult relationship with your partners, especially when the children are not around, is very important. If all the adventures, fun and excitement is only happening because the children are in the house, this creates an imbalance in your relationship when the children are not in the house. That imbalance will start to wear on you at some point, normally at the point when you notice that your partners appears to take the time when the children are not around to sit and watch TV, play golf, or go out with friends. This is a set up. You, or your partner, or both, spend all your adult relationship energy working, paying bills, and fixing the house. That leaves all the fun and adventure experiences for when the children are around or with other adults outside of the relationship. Then, your partner sees you as a drag, or you see your partner as a drag. Then slowly, the joys of being in the relationship disappear completely. You see each other completely different. This is called a relationship rut and in stepfamilies, it sounds like this: “You are only fun when the kids come to visit” Or “I haven’t spent time with you in weeks.” The response to these comments normally sounds like this: “You are always complaining.” “Nothing is good enough.” “I can’t do anything right.” And finally, “All you do is nag, nag….NAG!” Let’s stop this cycle. Don’t let this happen! Be an active participant in your adult relationship. Make it a top priority and you will notice how easy it is to take care of the children’s needs. Let your partner or spouse become a part of the adventure. Go get some ice cream. Go see a movie without the children. Go to the park and get on a swing as the sun goes down. Take a stroll together and hold hands. Go see a concert. Lay in the grass. Make each other laugh. Navigate your relationship by remembering that fun is an important aspect of intimacy and connection. Fun and adventure help couples stay connected just as much as having mutual short term and long term goals. There are enough responsibilities we can get caught up with that we forget to nourish our primary relationship. Self-Assessment When was the last time you went out on a date with your spouse our partner? Plan one NOW! Talk to your partner to determine if you are in a rut. (It happens in the best relationships!) Brainstorm creative ways you can get out of it
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
Prophecies of your Imagination
Prophecies of your BY: Dr. Elizabeth Webb
You are a prophet. Your very own prophet!
Imagination VOLUME 1
PAGE 19
Am I being ironic? Only partially. The truth is, you generate numerous predictions every single day. The source is your imagination, which tirelessly churns out visions of what you will be doing in the future. The featured oracle of the moment maybe as simple as- a psychic impression of yourself devouring a fudge brownie in a minute: or as monumental as a fantasy of building your dream house in Hawaii. Your imagination is a treasure when it spins out scenarios that are aligned with your deepest wants and your heart’s desires. Indeed it is an indispensable tool in creating the life you want. It is what you use to form images of the conditions you would like to inhabit and the objects you hope to wield. Nothing manifests in the material plane unless it first exists as a mental picture, created by your imagination. Whether your imagination is in service of your noble desires or in the thrall of your compulsive fears and inappropriate yearning, there is one commonality: Its prophecies can be pretty accurate! Many of your “visions” of the future do come to pass. The situation you expect to occur and experiences you rehearse in your mind or dwell on are often reflected back to you as events that confirm your expectations. Does that mean our mental pictures create the future? Let’s consider that possibility.What if it is at least partially true that what we expect will happen to materialize?
It is downright negative and in many ways self- destructive to keep infecting our imagination with pictures of loss, failure, doom and gloom, fear and loathing. A far more sensible and beneficial approach is to expect blessings and for sure you will get them! The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is composed of stories, not atoms. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not matter. Believe that if you habitually expose yourself to toxic stories and music, you could wind up living in the wrong universe or at the very most in a very uninspired state of mind and spirit, where it is impossible to become the gorgeous genius you are born to be.
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I invite you to rebel against linear perspective, which will dull and mare your imagination, your very own and unique prophet! Celebrate the luminous mysteries that have shaped your own life story, the wobbly joys that fed your soul and imagination, but did not serve your ego’s ambition. Diane DiPrima, “Rant, from “Pieces of a Song” eloquently summarizes it “The only war that matters is the war against imagination. All other wars are subsumed by it” What you imagine will become! You are you own prophet....the master of your creative imagination!
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VOLUME 2
NUTRITION
Nutrition for an Xpanded life by: KRISTEN RUBIN
To everything there is a season... As we approach spring and see new life budding everywhere we can not ignore our innate urge to purge. The rhythms of the seasons are naturally reflected in our diet, as we eat what is available to us from the earth’s bounty. Now, of course, I am aware that we live in a society built on convenience and it’s not so simple anymore to even know what is “in season” at what time, so I will shed some light on the subject. The late spring and summer months are days of outdoor activities and high temperatures. The available harvest is that of juicy fruits and veggies, such as peaches, watermelon, tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers. These are all designed to cool our body temperature and fuel us with light carbohydrate fuel for energy, complemented with lean proteins and whole grains and beans. The fall brings us shorter, colder days, along with squash on the vines, and root vegetables that grow underground, retaining heat from the earth. As we hunker down for the winter months, we eat these types of foods combined with higher fat animal proteins (or vegetarian substitutes) to build up heat in the body and a layer of insulation (the notorious winter coat) to maintain that warmth. Did you ever notice how much harder it is to lose weight heading into winter? It’s all a part of nature’s plan. The first signs of spring bring us longer days and the desire to move again, as well as shed that extra layer. We want to rid the excess of the holiday season and revive ourselves with newfound energy. The first harvests bring us grapefruits, lemons, limes, oranges, berries, asparagus, bitter greens like arugula and dandelion, and radishes. These are all foods that have a detoxifying astringency that help the body break down fat and spike metabolism. Essentially spring-cleaning ourselves! So how, as a family, can we partake in detoxification together without the word “detoxification” sending the children running for the hills? Easy...don’t use the word! Explain to the kids a little bit about why and when certain fruits and vegetables are “in season” and watch the “aha” moment appear on their face. Children these days are so far removed from knowing that their food is actually grown in the ground. If you take them to the grocery store with you and have the “season” discussion with them in the produce aisle, you may be surprised by their interest to explore with their taste-buds. Remember also that the winter months tend to be very drying, in addition to the heavier fats and proteins in our diets being dehydrating. As you begin to detox, and release stored fats and toxins, it is really important to take in lots of water. To assist with the spring cleanse, I like to add lemons or limes to my water. Every kid likes lemonade and even more so, likes to make lemonade so I have included a great detox (shhh!) lemonade recipe: 3 lemons, peeled and seeded ½ Cup raw honey or agave nectar 1 Cup berries 4 Cups filtered water 1 Pinch cayenne pepper
Place in blender, and blend till smooth. Can add ice cubes if you like it slushy. Salads are also a great way to get all of those detoxifying nutrients into your body and increase your hydration level. Let the kids pick out whatever raw veggies and seeds or nuts appeal to them, and then they can make this delicious dressing (It is Angela Elliott’s recipe for ‘Mind-Blowing Dressing from her cookbook “Alive in 5”): 4 Tbsp fresh squeezed lemon juice (kids love squeezing) 2 Tbsp olive oil 2 garlic cloves, pressed (kids love pressing) ½ tsp dried tarragon or basil or parsley ½ tsp Italian seasoning ½ tsp good sea salt or Himalayan salt ½ tsp fresh ground pepper (kids love the pepper grinder) Combine in a recycled honey or mason jar, seal tight and shake till well blended (kids love the shaking part) This recipe can be frozen. It will get very firm and can be used as a delicious spread for veggies, italian bread...anything. Remember, spring is the time to explore more raw foods and take advantage of the plants’ natural enzymes that help the body to break down fat. There are a lot of raw “un” cookbooks out there. “Alive in 5” is one of the simplest and has delicious recipes that kids can easily create. If you purchase a spiral slicer, you may have to fight your kids for the chef hat in the family. My kids are hooked on spiraling almost anything from apples to zucchini.
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Raising Soul-Centric Kids
VOLUME 2
PAGE 21
Raising Soul-Centric Kids in an Ego Centric Society By: Dr Amy Crawford I couldn’t believe my ears. “Is that it?” whined my seven year-old godson after opening a minimum
of 15 elaborate birthday presents. This phenomenon of entitled, self-centered children seems to only be getting worse and is contributing to kids who are not aware of others’ feelings.
For years, we were taught to boost our children’s self esteem at all costs. But it is becoming clear that as well-intentioned as parents and educators are, this can lead to children who are lacking in compassion and empathy for self and others. “Narcissism is a cultural problem because for so long, we have attempted to improve parenting and education by increasing self-esteem in non-appropriate, false ways,” states Polly Young-Eisendrath, PhD, Psychologist in Vermont and author of The Self- Esteem Trap. This unfortunately can discourage children from nurturing their innate loving nature. Amidst research and professionals working in the field of child psychology, there are consistent recommendations for cultivating soul-centric kids in an ego-centric society. Many societal reasons such as technology, high stress, full schedules, immediacy of gratification, and unrealistic expecta tions break down our children’s innate capacity for compassion and empathy. The good news how ever, is that there is hope and easy to implement tips to bolster these rich qualities in our kids.
There are many strategies to help encourage children who have loving awareness and here are five to get you started. If you pay close attention, you will notice that each one has the underlying thread of thinking and feeling beyond oneself. This trait of empathy is by far the most valuable in providing your kids with tools such as compassion. *Get Outside – Due to an increase in technology, children are not playing outside as much. Nature is one of the best ways to educate children about the larger world, providing them with insight about themselves and other species. “This helps reassure that we are all connected and interdependent allowing children’s hearts to remain open and loving,” claims Susan Usha Dermond, school founder and author of Calm and Compassionate Children. *Think Outside – In today’s society, kids are programmed to think about themselves. “Providing children with opportunities such as volunteering and social projects allow them to think outside of themselves and view others needs and situations,” suggests, Heather Sundberg, Spirit Rock Family Program Teacher and Manager. “Helping others makes kids mindful, builds a sense of community and increases kindness.” In addition an easy way to encourage this is if your child earns allowance, have them divide it three ways: play, save, and share. *Be Realistic – There is suffering and disappointment in the world. Hiding this from children is a disservice. “We live in a highly imperfect world and we need to recognize this, you want to raise your child to recognize this,” Dr. Young-Eisendrath reminds parents. “By doing so, it encourages resilient, empathic, compassionate kids.” Appropriate honesty provides children with the ability to keep things in perspective being realistic with themselves and those around them. Being realistic includes exposing children to other cultures, worldviews, and what is going on in the world. *Model It – Who better to teach compassion and awareness than you! Children look up to their parents in every possible aspect. One of the most basic tips is to be a strong role model of empathy and compassion. This stretches from passive behavior such as body language to more noticeable actions such as speech. Sundberg encourages parents to go out and play with their kids, away from the computer or TV as a means of modeling and getting on their level. She goes on to say, “We live in a society that is human-centric. We have no regard for other living things. The most basic gift you can model to your children is the precepts of non-harming: not harming with actions or words.” Compassionate awareness needs to start with the parents. *Down Time – We live in an era of immediate gratification. We are a busy, stressed culture that has very little time that isn’t scheduled. Kids are no exception. Grace Fisher, LMFT, shares, “Children crave quiet time. They need the space to be real, authentic, and to feel love.” Part of the concern in not allowing children down time is that it, “increases entitlement and privileged behaviors which detract from awareness of others,” Fisher States. Giving the gift of down time to your kids can be tricky since boredom can set in quickly due to the fast paced nature they are used to. Don’t give in to pestering and don’t allow their down time to be in front of a screen. Nurture the inner child by not over scheduling them or placing high demands. “Free time provides opportunity for kids to be more mindful and socially engaged,” says Dr. Young-Eisendrath. These five simple examples can help in practical ways to raise children who are loving of self and empathic of others. The simplicity of these valuable qualities has the potential to ripple out to society at large. The world needs more compassion, courage, and community…so why not start with our kids?
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VOLUME 2
Talking to Your (Step-) Kids about
Talking to kids about Sex
S-E-X:
Without dying from embarrassment By: Dr. Catherine Dukes
Thinking about starting the sex talk can leave many parents wracked with fear. We know it has to be done, but when? How? And what
do we say? On top of that, negotiating the values of multiple families can make a “hot topic” into an explosive one. So here’s step one: Acknowledge your own values around the topic of sexuality. Then take it a step further: Acknowledge that between your partner and other adult members of your expanded family, you probably have several different sets of values. But don’t panic -- this is expected and normal. Step two: Don’t look at your 2-year-old or your 7-year-old and think about what they need to know now about sex. You’ll probably come to a similar conclusion as many parents - Nothing! But take it one step further. Imagine your toddler or your tween as a 30-something adult. How do you want her/him to feel about his/her sexuality as an adult? - Safe? - Fulfilled? - Responsible? - Joyful? - Intimate? - Passionate? Educated? - In control? There are ways to accomplish that goal. Think of the messages and pieces of information they will need repeated (yes, repeated. Yes, repeated) over and over to help them learn fully how to be sexually healthy adults. These are your information building blocks. It’s never too early to start.
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Talking to kids about Sex
Step three: Do your research. What do kids need to know and when do they need to know it? Great question! Whether your kids are 10 months old, 10 years old, or seniors in high school, there is information they need to have and skills they need to learn to make the best informed decisions about their sexual health. Check the side bar for great websites to get education and become a more confident sex educator of your children. All of those websites boast medically accurate information and most contain sections or links just for parents. Yes, you! Step four: Now’s the time. Whether your kids are toddlers or about to enter puberty, the time to talk is now. But wait. Depending on your relationship with your co-parent and other members of the extended family, feel out if a sit-down talk about sex ed in the family would be a constructive conversation. If so, share your research with your co-parents. Did you know that kids who know the correct names for body parts are more likely to report abuse if it happens than kids who are discouraged from talking about things “down there.”? If you can have this conversation, see if all the parents and step parents would welcome having a family conversation with the children, or you’d like to designate one or two of the coparents to start the conversations (notice I said “start the conversations,” not “have the talk” because the most effective sex ed is from cradle to college and beyond).
VOLUME 2
PAGE 23
Step five: Having the first talk. Again, it doesn’t matter if your child is 2 or 12, now is the time to begin. However, starting the talk is easier than ever! Check out the sidebar for great list of books parents can use to start the sex talk. If your kids are young, you’re off the hook from defining words they hear at school like “blow jobs” and “doggy style”. You can start small. Your job is to say “penis” with as much shame and stammer as when you say “elbow”. If an elbow is an elbow and a penis is a “wee wee,” guess what? Kids know that something is “not quite right” about there privates down there. Experts recommend using the correct names for body parts. Want to know how to be age appropriate? Inquire if kids have questions. If they do, answer the question as SIMPLY as you can with one or two sentences. Then.... wait. If little Addison asks you “Where do babies come from?” when she’s 2, she probably doesn’t need a whole reproductive anatomy lesson involving sperm, ovaries, testicles, and the uterus. You can share with her that “the baby grows in a special place in mommy’s belly.” Then....wait. No more questions? Whew! You’re golden for another week or two until the next question happens. Step six: Whose values are these? You’ve got your values, your partner’s values, your co-parents values, and his/her partner’s values. That’s a lot of values and don’t expect them all to agree. So how do you answer those crazy sex questions? I’ll tell you how to answer every sex question near-perfectly every single time.
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PAGE 24 And it goes a little something like this: Little Tommy: How do babies get into mommy’s tummy? First Always Say: Good question! (Say this first in response to every sex question. It gives you time to stall, affirms the asker and validates the question as a normal one to have). And then... If you know the answer: Answer the question simply: “The daddy gives mommy his seed called sperm and then his sperm and mommy’s egg join and make a baby.” (Answer the question as simply and accurately as possible and then-... WAIT). Or... If you are not perfectly sure of the answer: Say “I don’t know” if you’re not 100% sure. Be honest. Don’t guess if you are not 100% sure. Your child is coming to you for correct information, if you’re 95% sure of the information you’re about to give, that’s not good enough. Say “I don’t know... but I can find out!” And go on a webquest with your child to some of the great websites located in the box to find medically accurate youth-focused information.
But what if there’s no simple answer? What if it’s a values question? Here’s the tricky part. What if you believe young people should wait to have sex until they are ready, but your co-parent or ex-partner believes that your kid shouldn’t have sex until their married or until they are over 40? You don’t want to step on any toes here! (Get it? “Step” on any toes?). What you can always do is express the wonderful range and diversity of beliefs and values around the question: Little Suzie: Is it OK to have sex before you’re married? You: Well for some people, they choose to wait to have sex until they’re married. For others, they choose to wait until they’re ready but maybe not for marriage. For you, what do you think your mom/ dad would say? What do you think our family values would say? What values do you have for you?
VOLUME 2 In this way you’re not sacrificing stating your own values and stepping on the values of your co-parents. All individuals and all families have different values around sexuality and deserve respect. Values are neither good nor bad, neither better nor worse than other values. They’re just yours. GO TIME! So get started! Choose one: * Check out “What kids need to know and when they need to know it” on PlannedParenthood.org in the “parents” section. * Start practicing saying aloud the words vulva, vagina, penis, and testicles/scrotum. Practice saying them without blushing or stammering, just like you say the word “elbow.” Teach your young child the names of all his/her body parts without shame. Try to ditch the cutsie words if you can. You know, words like willy, cookie, coochie, pee-pee, flowerpot, hooha, and ding-dong * Watch TV with your tween or teen. Notice when a sexual theme or reference comes on. Take the opportunity to use one of the hundreds of teachable moments you encounter every day to start a conversation. On your child’s favorite TV show, two characters are discussing sex. Start a conversation: “What do you think they’re referring to? What did you think of that?” However, be careful not to criticize your child’s TV choices. Use their TV shows’ themes to build a bridge of conversation, not break one down. * Check out any and all of the website recommendations listed above. Get to know the kids’ sections and the parents’ sections. Offer the website to your kids and take time exploring the content together * Order a couple of books in the book list at your local library or amazon. com. Read them and see if they are in line with your family values. Read the books to or with your kids and make sure they have time to explore the books on their own. Kids are influenced every day by messages from peers, media, TV, hormones, etc. How often do you want to have influence? It’s not one “Big Talk,” it’s a lifetime of conversations. Model and teach kids to respect diversity of family values in your blended family and in the world and they’ll have a healthier sense and ownership of what they want their values to be. Also, you’ll help to invest in the relationship with your fellow co-parents if you’re not placing one set of values over another. Sex talk is tough! Just keep talking.
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Talking to kids about Sex Websites for Parents: Planned Parenthood www.plannedparenthood.org * Fact sheets galore and an entire teen section. Parents, click on “Tools for Parents” Sex, Etc. www.sexetc.org *For teens, by teens. Parents, click on “Parents and Professionals” at the bottom of the page and then click on the tab “resources for parents” Advocates for Youth http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/ * Click on Parents Sex Ed Center on the far right The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/ resources/parents.aspx * Resource section for parents Book Suggestions: Book List for Age 3-19: http://answer.rutgers.edu/page/books/ Highlighting my absolute favorites: “It’s Not the Stork” by Robie Harris (Age 4+) “It’s So Amazing” by Robie Harris (Age 7+) “It’s Perfectly Normal” by Robie Harris (Age 10+)
INTIMACY
VOLUME 2
PAGE 25
Intimacy (In-To-Me-You-See) another way to live in love on this planet By: Annie Hart
If I could change one thing on this planet, it would be to help people be more loving to each other.
It’s not the wars in other lands that I’m worried about; it’s the ones in our homes and our hearts that are doing the most damage. Everywhere I go, I see and feel people fighting. Not that street fighter kind of fighting, but doing damage to each other with their thoughts and words. My two great friends Bob and Donna are a perfect example. They truly love each other, are great partners together and have raised several children, but when you see them they are constantly bickering and always picking each other apart. Why? Why do people who truly love each other need to be on this battleground of love? And more importantly how can we find another way to live in love? This is my personal quest for planet earth.
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VOLUME 2
So where do we start? My suggestion is that we start right here in the center of our own hearts – to thine own self be true. The sages have said this for ages and it really hits the spot. Intimacy is a matter of knowing ourselves deeply and then sharing that with another. Why are we picking someone else apart? Two reasons – one, because it was probably done to us. It is a “normal” and acceptable mode of communication on planet earth that scars us from an early age; and two, because when we are angry at others, we are really judging ourselves. We have a basic lack of self-acceptance and so we project that onto our beloveds. We do our self-examination with a microscope instead of a mirror, dissecting another rather than looking inside. In-to-me-you-see is the only way that we’re going to find that thing we call true love because we all know deep down inside that what we’re looking for does not exist in your partner, nor somewhere else out in the world. It is inside. Thus, your children won’t give it to you, nor your spouse, neither will your mother whom you were told should give it to you absolutely. This unconditional love from others is a myth. Not the love itself but the way that it’s supposed to arrive. It does not come from our parents or significant others, it comes from our own human hearts, turned inwards towards ourselves. What a shocking idea. Look inside? Why would we do that??! Take a look now and see what you see. You’ll have to turn down the noise to listen quietly. At first you may discover an inner critical voice that is saying nasty things like, “If only you were nicer, a better person, less fat, made more money etc. etc. somebody would love you.” Not true. This inner barrage of self-beratement is the source of all external conflict. When I used to teach non-violent communication in business, people would look at me in confusion when I would talk about all the conflict that I saw in the office. No one was screaming at any one else, so they didn’t know what I was talking about. But it’s the tiny little communications that make the most difference. It’s the ones inside our own heads that are the source.
INTIMACY
Let’s look again, this time a bit more closely.
How were you feeling last time you spoke to your partner? Or children? Start to tune in and see if there isn’t an underlying current of anger, or resentment or some other unexpressed need. Anytime there is, we will be saying one thing, but meaning another. Intimacy is about knowing ourselves deeply enough and being in tune with our inner workings, so that we are clear in what we put out to others. It’s not easy to be this in tune, but it is worth the effort. We all want to be loved, cherished and adored. Intimacy is the thing we crave the most and often have the least of. Another factor that blocks our feeling loved and close to others is our incessant busyness. Hurry, hurry, hurry. We’re always doing a million things. Why? Because we think we need to. On some deep level, we’ve been programmed to believe that it will bring us love, but it won’t. It just brings us stress. Slow down and take time to breathe. Intimacy is right here in this moment. You will notice it when you are going slower, moving more languidly and serenely through life, and feeling into your heart. Do you really want your life rushing by at one thousand miles an hour and never really experiencing it? No, you don’t.
What do you really want out of life? You want closeness and connection and that equals love. So take time, slow down, get to know your heart, tune into yourself and then share your loving heart with another. If you want love and connection, it’s here right now. If you’re not emitting love, you need to find a way to restore yourself to a loving place inside. Slow down, take a breath, take a walk or do anything else that gets you out of the combat mode and back into the love zone. Intimacy is a product of knowing oneself and of sharing our true nature. We don’t need to hide what’s ugly and dark in us, but we do need to be aware of it. That voice in your head that is always self berating is going to come out as a megaphone to others if you’re not careful. Get to know your inner wicked witch or evil magician, and then you will have your keys to the magic kingdom. They trick is not to try to get rid of these voices inside but to be aware that they are sometimes ruling us on a very subtle level. What do you want? You want love. How do you get it? Be true to yourself, know yourself, be intimate with your own heart, and then speak from there.
©Annie Hart, February 1, 2011
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
IN THE MIRROR
VOLUME 1
In the mirror
PAGE 27
By Carlos Melendez
Intimacy: This word carries with itself the light that fuels, nurtures, maintains and propels relationships towards a place of harmony, Love, and peace. The most important elements to develop such a feeling are Clarity, kindness, honesty, love and communication, all of which, have to be developed on a blanket of Integrity at all times.
Intimacy is what the majority of people lack the most in relationships, not only in romantic connections but also in family and friendship. We don’t talk, touch or kiss enough, we don’t live in the present always worried about the anxiety of things that have not happened yet and we can’t control anyway, taking us away from the opportunity to connect and develop our relationships. We text, e-mail, and use all types of cold electronic gadgets to communicate our thoughts that loose the power of our voices to help them get the messages across clearly loosing ourselves in the speed of life chasing material achievements. Lack of Intimacy is the cancer of relationships, it is what makes us disconnect from our children, from our parents or from any love ones we intend to have a relationship with, because without it, the connection we have with another individual is plastic and mechanic. Can you stop to think about how you would behave if you knew the world would come to an end tomorrow? What would you tell the people next to you? What would you tell your family? How many times would you kiss, hug and touch the people you love? Would you care about your European car, your house down the shore, or the Rolex you wear?
The sad thing is every day when you wake up, this can happen. We just don’t know when or how, we don’t know if our heart will stop beating that evening or we don’t know if the car coming our way will go and extra 3 feet toward ending our lives right there on the spot. I share this because of what happened to me. Driving a motorcycle I crashed at 135 miles without a helmet on. Even going through a near death experience, sometimes I forget how fragile life can be. That experience changed my life. Yet, as I got comfortable I sacrificed time with my children, I destroyed relationships with the excuse of “Being Successful” “Building a future for my children” really? After my second restaurant I could not stand myself in the mirror because even though my bank accounts were semi healthy, my intimate relationships were dying a painful death. So much so, my children would hide my cell phone because they wanted me to dedicate my attention to them. Now, I am building my relationships from the ground up again and even though, it is still work in progress, and even though I closed my massive restaurant, I like who I am everyday more, because I learned that Intimacy is something that starts with who I am, in my ability to be available and the closeness I can give to the people I love.
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Peace and harmony arrives slowly as I started to get closer to the things that matter the most, so the closer I am to my Higher power, to that deep feeling of satisfaction of liking the face I see in the mirror is what has propelled the comfortable feeling of knowing that I can be myself with others and the genuine feeling opens the path of intimacy allowing others to enter the spiritual space were intimacy is the air I breathe. This, I believe is true for all of us.
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However, it is hard work, it takes a deep level of acceptance to understand we can only develop intimacy if we open the paths of communication very wide and clear, if we lose the fear to be accepted which is one of the biggest downfalls that we all experience because to be accepted first we need to accept ourselves so we can be truthful about who really are and what we really want in relationships with others. Only then can we say loud and clear what lives in our hearts, only when we do so, we set the fundaments for intimacy to grow, that is the great beginning we should all have, and with love and kindness it shall grow and enhance our lives with its sweet aroma. Intimacy in loving relationships will always be our most rewarding achievement that will last and nurture our lives more than any other investment we can ever make. Carlos Melendez
For a marriage relationship to flourish, there must be intimacy. It takes an enormous amount of courage to say to your spouse, “This is me. I’m not proud of it -- in fact, I’m a little embarrassed by it -- but this is who I am.”~ Bill Hybels
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IN THE MIRROR
Money and Intimacy
VOLUME 2
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Money and Intimacy: A Match Made in Heaven?
You may never have considered the idea that money can help build intimacy in a family. Many people don’t. Because money problems frequently bring couples in for therapy, most people fail to see the potential money has to bring us closer. However, when you think about it, what better way is there to establish intimacy than to learn to trust the person with whom you choose to share your life? Sometimes attitudes about money can be so ill-defined and unconscious that we act in ways that almost guarantee emotional distance. If we don’t understand our own feelings about money, problems are bound to occur. Here is an example of how that might happen. Charlotte and Brad decided that they were ready to move in together and had started to look for a house to buy. Brad, a widower raising his two young daughters, had lost his wife in a tragic accident. Convinced he would never remarry, he was focused on being the best single parent he could be. Meeting Charlotte had changed his mind about marrying again. She was intelligent and warm. He loved her sense of humor and recognized that they were compatible in so many ways. Being around Charlotte helped heal his grief and move him beyond the pain of losing his wife. And best of all, Charlotte really seemed to enjoy his young daughters. For the first time in two years, Brad began to look forward to the future. Charlotte, the associate dean of the local community college, was very career focused. Like Brad, she did not see marriage in her future, but for different reasons. She loved the excitement of her fast-paced job and had given up hope of ever meeting someone who could accept how important her career was to her. She had never been interested in having a husband or children until she met Brad. He was an amazing guy-- intelligent, witty and easy-going. And, to her surprise, she found that she was totally charmed by his daughters, Kellie, age 3 and Miranda, age 5. Charlotte began to have visions of what being part of this family could be like. Both Charlotte and Brad were excited about forming a new family. They had no problems figuring out how they would balance their careers or handle the children’s care. But they were surprised to find that the process of joining their finances brought up some problems they hadn’t expected.
House hunting turned out to be a near disaster. Before they could even look at houses, they argued about what they could afford. They began to see that their views were quite different. Fortunately, the couple was able to talk through their beliefs and reach a compromise between the high-end home that Charlotte had in mind, and the modest house Brad favored. Some serious discussion allowed them to figure out what they wanted in a home and settle on a price range that worked for both of them.
Brad’s view of reality was different. He had worked his way through college to prepare for his career as a computer analyst, and while he made good money, being a single parent was expensive. Paying for his daughters’ preschool and nanny care took a large portion of his salary. His blue-collar father was retired and his mother had never worked. Brad’s family background made him much more cautious with money than Charlotte. He worried that she didn’t understand his limitations.
When they found a house that they both liked, they ran into more difficulty negotiating how they would finance it. Charlotte expected they would share the mortgage payments equally. On paper, Brad’s income was equal to Charlotte’s but the expense of child care gave him much less disposable income. Paying half of the mortgage would be a financial stretch for him. As they discussed how they would work out the mortgage arrangements, Charlotte began to feel uneasy. Was Brad trying to take advantage of her financially? What if she couldn’t trust him to be fair?
After a big argument about financing the house that left Charlotte in tears and Brad fuming with anger, the couple realized that something had to change. When they calmed down, they were able to see that they were coming into this new relationship with old ideas. The old ideas may have worked for their parents, but this new relationship called for a revision of attitudes and behaviors that fit their current lives.
Brad, for his part, was concerned about Charlotte’s insistence on sharing expenses fifty-fifty. That didn’t seem reasonable to him, because his expenses were so much greater. And when Charlotte began to talk about how the house would need to be redecorated before they could move in, Brad knew he couldn’t afford to pay his share. He became even more uncomfortable when Charlotte mentioned her plan to buy new furniture for their house. Brad didn’t understand her insistence on splitting everything fifty-fifty. And what was this need to have a perfectly adequate house redecorated and outfitted with all new furniture? Was Charlotte frivolous in her spending habits? What if he couldn’t trust her to manage money? Their previously blissful relationship was becoming strained and difficult. Their differing views of money were causing them to lose the closeness they had enjoyed and question whether they belonged together. What neither of them realized was that they were each bringing unconscious attitudes about money into their new relationship. Charlotte was used to having more money than she needed for her living expenses. She came from a family that was well off, so she had never worried about money. Her parents, both professionals, contributed equally to the family expenses. Since getting her college degree, Charlotte had always worked, and the money she made was hers to spend or save as she saw fit. She had a casual, comfortable attitude toward money. A fifty-fifty split with Brad seemed fair to her.
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Brad and Charlotte set aside time to discuss their beliefs about money and what each had learned growing up. They discussed their differing values, expenses and needs. The more they talked, the better they were able to understand each other’s point of view, and they worked out a cooperative plan to manage family finances that made sense to both of them. And once they had done this, the arrangements for financing the mortgage fell into place. They worked out a plan where each contributed a percentage of their income to the mortgage payment. More importantly, they came to the realization that money was a tool to help them have a happy life together, not an end in itself. If couples are unable to have honest, loving discussions about money, hurt feelings and miscommunication is the result. Instead of seeing money as a means of achieving joint goals, it becomes a source of conflict, and distance instead of closeness is the result. Like Brad and Charlotte, most couples need to have some serious discussions about family finances and understand the feelings that money beliefs can trigger. With that in mind, here are some suggestions to help couples and families have a productive discussion and see money as a way to foster trust. 1. Accept the idea that some compromise will be necessary. No couple comes into a relationship with exactly the same idea of how money should be handled, so it takes work to develop a plan that fits your family. Money is a tool to help your family live a better life and compromise is best way to make that better life happen.
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Money and Intimacy
2. Abandon the idea of “right or wrong” in any money discussion. Differing viewpoints are just that: different. Championing your own point of view keeps you from listening to your partner, while moving beyond protecting your own belief system frees you to hear an opposing point of view. You can’t work things out if you don’t understand your partner’s viewpoint. Once you can do that, you can find a way to deal with differences. 3. Alter your belief system when necessary to work out a new way of dealing with money in this relationship. Remember, you can’t reach a compromise without releasing old attitudes and beliefs. One important measure of a healthy family is its ability to reach a compromise that works for all involved. 4. Avoid falling into the trap of thinking that you can’t try a new approach. Just because your family did things a certain way when you were growing up doesn’t mean that it is the best way to handle things in your new family. Sometimes a different approach is just what is needed to make things go better. Be creative and flexible as you look for solutions. 5. Celebrate the idea that you are establishing a new family system. Remember that a new family calls for new ways of doing things, including dealing with money. By talking and listening, you can achieve a money plan that works for every one. And in the process you will help build intimacy in your family. Understanding and changing our beliefs about money isn’t easy. But the resulting closeness and trust are a nice payback.
One does not fall ‘in’ or ‘out’ of love. One grows in love. ~ Leo Buscaglia Intimacy, as I am using it, is sharing my reality with you. ~Keith Miller
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FITNESS INTIMACY
VOLUME 2
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Fitness Intimacy: The Alchemy of Freedom By: Annette Padilla
Intimacy is a connection, no matter where it is or where it’s created. Wiktionary defines intimacy as: “feeling or atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else, not necessarily involving sexuality.” Intimacy (or closeness) is very recognizable in spring cleaning (atmosphere), wouldn’t you agree? There’s the decision-making, the planning for that particular weekend and the hopeful recruitment of the kids; all the mental visualizing, the putting away of the old, the stacking of storage bins, the throwing out, the buckets of Pine-sol and sponges, the rearranging of furniture and voila--, your home is as fresh-looking as the day you bought it, you’re in love with your home again. Or even, the intimacy of the creation of a wedding dress is magical, made specifically for you! The seamstress connects with the dress while sewing on the minute details of the 325th sequin, pearl and layered beading. They too, with every stitch of the hand and needle, can see this dress gracefully draped on your radiating, smiling body gliding down the aisle confident, proud and beaming with joy.
There is an empowering intimacy in the morning meditation. Only we know ourselves, our strengths, our weaknesses and how we choose to mask, deflect and sabotage. In the stillness we find the pride, the ego, and the disallowance and free ourselves, without judgment, without guilt, into the receiving of a love to our Selves that words cannot describe but rather, emanates with a glow that makes onlookers tilt their head with a raised eyebrow wondering what “that” is about you. Intimacy and fitness have an incredible and magical bond that feed each other and thrive as a vibrant, lush garden teaming with magnetic, glowing energy that simply cannot be squelched.“Fitness intimacy” is found through a desire to be fit, the belief that one deserves to be fit, and the creation of a goal while opening up to a quest for being on the continual, consciously aware search for what works at that time, tweaking along the way as the body changes, learns and grows. This is the most important part of the intimacy of fitness, and it starts with the Self. Our Self is one of the greatest things ever created. And it starts with the Self. Our Self is one of the greatest things ever created. We have the ability to be, do and have anything we desire, as long as we focus on the continual refining of our Self, allowing in things that move us emotionally, allowing the Self to accept a place of “shedding” the old Self and welcoming in the new Self.
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Now how is it that this allowance of being, doing and having, especially through fitness, has been made to seem so darned difficult? I’ll tell you howIt’s all about what we allow our Self to believe. We have been programmed to believe we are not worthy of such joy and happiness, and those patterns continue to be solidified by what others say, continually feeding into the mystery of “fitness is just too hard.” If that or the myriad of other excuseladen phrases surround you by your own creation or drinking in the negative from outside sources, (loved ones, the media and the latest magazine cover of the runway model at 6’2 and 115lbs), this is what continues to be imbedded into the brain. It becomes so deep that many have no idea that this has become so commonplace in their lives, and then it carries over into our lifestyles almost like a silent killer. A killer of: the fire of the soul. Let’s go back to the “feeling or atmosphere of closeness and openness toward someone else,” and add in sexuality, and many become stumped, citing “my partner is no longer interested in me, the spark is gone, there is no romance, I don’t even want my spouse touching me (gross!). I want a divorce.” Both genders experience this, but women are the ones who openly suffer the most. Why? Because women have lost who they really are, who they were born to be.
PAGE 32 In the fitness industry these many years, I have heard the following a thousand times (Could this be you too?) • I don’t have time to work out • I have kids, I have to take them to school, clean house, and cart them to practices • I don’t have time for me I’m the only one who does anything around here • I need more sleep I need to refill my Ambien prescription just so I can sleep • Might as well refill my high blood pressure and diabetes meds while I’m at it • Damn this insurance payment for my meds is ridiculous • I don’t want to get big from exercising • I don’t want to look too muscular • I wish I had a man to take care of me • I’m breaking my back to afford what my kids want • Life is just not fair These words come from a veil of fatigue due to the false premise that killing one’s Self for the benefit of others is their life’s calling. IT’S NOT. How is anyone else around you ever going to benefit from their leader, (you), their largest form of support, love and source of joy, if you don’t feel good in the first place? Life has taught us that tending to our Selves is “selfish.” Well try this definition of selfish on for size, “Selfish is an integrity and honor unto our Selves first.” Selfish is the foundation that must be kept in the same regard as one would keep the desires of their children— FIRST. The fierceness that every parent has for the protection of their children is the same fierce protection to have for your own Self. Nobody can “see” you, the real, gorgeous, happy, playful, child-like you when there is no intimacy in the Self. All they will see is your anger and resentment; seemingly toward them-but it’s not them. The last argument you had with your spouse or children about your spouse or children was really about the reflection you see from them in your self, and you’re angry with that reflection. The good news is that, the reflection can change. When we are intimate with fitness, we are intimate with our Selves. T. Harv Eker said, “Rich people constantly learn and grow. Poor people think that they already know. Every master was once a disaster… you can learn to be great at anything.”
VOLUME 2 In fitness it is learned that we can overcome every mind set of lack. It is learned that yes, there is a certain amount of discomfort involved. It is learned that when it gets tough, the “90% mental” attitude is what carries us through, period. Never mind what anybody else says, it’s what YOU say. When we are intimate with our Selves through fitness we feel like nothing can stop us. We have stillness of the heart, we have clarity of the mind and with both of these, the beauty of the alchemy of these two powerfully combined “substances,” all worry, anxiety, and guilt, blame and shame that would normally exist, seeping over into our significant others, disappears. Where there is no worry, anxiety, guilt, blame and shame, all we have left is love, unconditional for our Selves, and it is this that pours over onto our significant others--our “true” selves. All of a sudden we feel better from the inside out, emotionally, spiritually and definitely physically; and where there is no hiding, only light and love can flourish to each other, from each other and for each other and as a result, physical intimacy is revived. The connection to the Self, the physical Self is one of Self-love and Selfacceptance even with the belly, the inner thighs that giggle like Jell-o, and yes, with the back of the arms that can be used as a weathervane, because the external Self is a reflection of the inner Self. The reflection has changed, and what everyone around you receives is what you’re feeling inside: empowerment, joy, confidence and unconditional love. Pretty cool how it works! In being intimate with fitness, we are serving our Selves first to a place of love, and in this practice we are serving each other. All right enough of the talk, time for action! I know you have 20 minutes to create some “me” time, and your solution is below in the 20-minute workout, ZERO EQUIPMENT NECESSARY, (one less excuse). The quickest way to beat the fat off your body is to treat it like it “can” be treated-- like a woman! We are resilient, we are strong. Women used to climb to the tops of mountains 8 months pregnant to give birth so, (ahem) excuses, really? The ‘magical’ format is in this order: Strength work Core work Cardio work 20- Min Fat Blaster workout w/trainer Annette
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FITNESS INTIMACY RULES- and be firm about them. They prevent injury an aid in working WITH injury: Before ANY movement: A. Shoulders up to ears, back toward each other and push down into back pockets. B. Suck in your belly ( keep breathing) C. Squeeze your glutes (butt) D. Perform a Kegel and hold it NOW you can engage in exercise, and don’t let any of it go. 1. Prisoner squats • wide stance • Clasp hands behind head • Elbows stay wide • Squat down so butt comes just above knees, stand • Repeat • 30 seconds, quick as possible 2. Holding ab crunch • 4 crunches total • 15-second holds each 3. Jumping jacks • quickly as possible • walk the jacks if need be • 1 minute 4. Wall push ups • Stand facing wall • Step backwards a bit • Bend at the elbow • 30 seconds-quick as possible 5. Prone (facing down) holding push up • Get on hands and toes • Hold for 30 seconds 6. Jog in place • 1 minute (rigorously) 7. Back row (for the back fat) • Grab 2 full 1 liter bottles of water, or two 5 or 10 lb hand-weights if you have them • wide stance, lean over like looking over edge of cliff • raise elbows to ceiling elbows high and wide-(like puppet on strings) • 30 seconds, move quickly 8. Repeat holding crunch • 4 holds, 15 seconds each 9. Step ups on brick planter, a curb, a picnic bench. • 1 minute 10. Forward lunges • double 90 angle on legs • 30 seconds 11. Repeat holding push up • Hold 30 seconds 12. Repeat jumping jacks • 1 minute, quick as possible 13. Overhead shoulder press • Grab bottles of water again • Firm stance • Press up overhead quickly • 30 seconds 14. Repeat holding crunch • 4 holds, 15 seconds each 15. Repeat jog in place • 1 minute, quick as possible 16. Biceps curl • Grab water bottles • Firm stance • Palms facing up • Bend at elbow • 30 seconds, move quickly 16. Repeat holding push up • Hold 30 seconds 17. Repeat jumping jacks • 1 minute quick as possible 18. Triceps kick backs (back of arms) • Grab water bottle • Get on hands and knees • Raise elbow high in air • Extend (straighten) arm, hand facing wall behind you • 30 seconds per arm 18. Repeat holding crunch • 4 holds, 15 seconds each 19. Repeat jog in place
• 1 minute quick as possible Done in 20 min
FACE TIME
VOLUME 2
F A C E
By: Rebecca Milora
T I M E
“Hey, don’t I know you?” Your reflection stares back at you. “Hmmm, … eyes look tired this morning. You’ve got that big meeting today…and look, is that another wrinkle?.... I wonder if that new cream is really working…” Sound like a conversation you might have with yourself? That’s the internal monologue, that little voice of ours that monitors, evaluates and judges. It is almost always there, yet most of us have no awareness that it is even present. So, if we are continuously judging ourselves, what effect may those thoughts be having on our health and wellbeing? Consider that our thoughts are powerful and our body believes everything we tell it, and it can have a profound effect. You may spend hundreds of dollars on fancy creams and magic potions to enhance your appearance, but remember, the information you feed your mind is just as important. How can we learn to utilize our personal face-time to cultivate awareness, purposefully create a more loving relationship with ourselves, and enjoy greater health and vitality as a result? Step one: Press Pause. Take a deep breath…. and ask yourself, “What am I thinking?” Becoming aware of your thoughts throughout the day is an empowering step. Listen to the words you use to express in your head and out loud. Do your words, thoughts and actions reflect love compassion, forgiveness and patience? If not, replace that thought with one that feels more uplifting. Now notice, is there a renewed energy surge? Is there a tingling in your solar plexus? Is there a smile on your face? Try this: Begin each day by looking in the mirror and saying out loud: “I am fabulous, lovable, wonderful, and beautiful! And I love you! Say it with passion…breathe into the words, and allow them to permeate all your cells. Let go of feeling foolish…. it’s time to own the truth about who you really are! Step two: Appreciate. Find at least one thing about your body that you are thankful for. It may be your loving heart, or how strong you were today when you were exercising. Take a few moments to scan your body and see where you most want to give thanks. Recognize how miraculous your human body is! Step three: Treat your body with love and respect. Do you tend to ignore you body’s need to rest, exercise, eat more healthfully or meditate? Look for ways to honor your physical, mental and emotional rhythms as divine and perfect! Do something every day that brings you pleasure. Yup, I said every day. What makes you feel good and brings you joy? Do you pamper yourself and do things that make you smile? When you value yourself by doing loving things consistently, you will naturally be happier and healthier. Step four: Commit to the relationships that lift your heart and feed your soul. Look for opportunities to be more engaged with the people you love. Ask for help and give others the opportunity to love in return by being there for you when you need support. Allow the natural flow of love to be given and received. Step five: Engage in daily spiritual practices. Prayer, contemplation, inspirational reading, walks in nature, and meditation all open our heart to be in loving communion with self and God/Source/Higher Power as we walk though life’s challenges and blessings. Cultivating a relationship with The Divine invites us to look at life through the eyes of love--for self and others. Over time, you’ll notice that these simple rituals can make a big difference in cultivating self-love. By taking time to treat yourself, you will be renewed and energized. This, in turn, leaves you with a deeper capacity to love and accept others. Throughout the day, look for opportunities to soften your heart and allow the love to flow. If you notice a negative thought has crept in, simply reframe it to something more positive. You will notice that you feel vibrant, healthy and happy, and exude a natural beauty when you generate thoughts that empower you.
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STRACK FAMILY UPDATE
VOLUME 2
from Expanded Family Magazine Volume 1 It’s been six months since the big day! Life here at the Strack house is quite hectic at times (family of 7!). The actual honeymoon may be in our memories but we are continuously being blessed with the rewards that come with “love over time.” At first glance it would be very difficult to believe we aren’t a nuclear family! Not claiming perfection, yet in our opinion, there is a beautiful and normal balance of love and bickering that can be seen in our daily life. The kids are defiantly united and loyal to each other and at the same time can send out a constant barrage of the “can I have”-- “I need’—“it’s not my mess” and “I didn’t do it!” The baby is now walking and talking and ALL the siblings have formed a unity that is wonderful to witness. Love
and teamwork and those things without fail, tie us together. Tyler our 8-year-old is “all boy”! With his messy trail he finds a way to require effort from all of us, siblings included, to keep him on track! Yet, we seem to be quite the
family team!
Our Lexi is probably the busiest 9th grader you’d ever meet, juggling honor role grades with 3 nights a week of dance practices and regional competitions, we all pull together
to accommodate our family’s needs.
Our Ashley is doing great too, and truly is our savior in regard to picking up all (and I do mean ALL, of our loose ends). Ashley on a daily basis takes care of her brothers and sisters and helps us parents out with nominal resistance. We feed her motivation with basically a set of car keys! And then there is Shane. 19 years old- last week, our oldest boy shipped off to the Marine Corps boot camp. As we gain one extra seat at the dinner table, fewer dishes to wash, and a lighter weekly laundry load, we also gain another bond in our unity. It has been emotional at the Strack house. We really got a chance to see just how close our combined family is through this life event. We all huddled up together and separately to share feelings all week- Another signature example of how close our family has become. We saw each one of his siblings cry with love, admiration and pride as he shipped off to become a Marine last week. As parents to witness Ashley, Lexi and Tyler look up to him and to see them all cry as he departed and to see our son’s eyes welling up, loving on baby Nicole as he exited with an instinctive realization of how much he will miss these moments; we catch another glimpse of how virtually seamless to the naked eye the connection is in our family. We just simply say... THANK YOU GOD!
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Strack Family Update
CONTRIBUTORS
VOLUME 2
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CONTRIBUTORS Jackie O’Brien: Our Graphic Designer:
Jackie is a graduate of the University of Delaware in Visual Communications. Her passion is freelance graphic design and illustration. You can see some of her work At: JackieOCreative.com. Jackie currently resides in West Chester, Pa.
Stu Skaroff: Our Editor: Stu has been a professional
proofreader for numerous leading companies. His attention to detail and love of the language serve him well in some of his other wordsmithing pursuits, especially songwriting.
Billy Hines: Filmmaker: experienced Writer/Director/Producer will use his talent of storytelling to help promote the magazine’s internet division.
Christina Marie: Our publisher. Article: “you as a
couple, navigating your life together” 21 years of experience, education and research with expanded family dynamics. Author of “Navigational Skills for Step-families” https:// www.lulu.com/product/paperback/navigational-skills-forstepfamilies/14307086
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Carlos Melendez: Article: “In the Mirror” Carlos has created a beautiful, passionate and extraordinary life. Born in Mexico City, at a young age he found himself homeless and traveling through Mexico, Central America and South America. After many days of hunger, Carlos came across a restaurant in a little touristic Mayan town in Guatemala. He offered to be a cook in exchange for shelter and food and he was handed an onion. Carlos describes this experience as an explosion of flavors and the most delicious thing he had ever tasted, hence, the love and passion with food was born. Currently, Carlos is the successful restaurant owner of Coyote Crossing in Conshohocken Pa. Additionally, after his own diagnosis with a terminal disease Carlos was once again profoundly impacted and is currently dedicating his life to help others in an alternative medicine company called IQM Wellness. Carlos is a proud father of two beautiful children and his expanded family includes a healthy, positive relationship with the mother of his children and her husband. His children’s stepfather and Carlos work together at Coyote Crossing. Carlos Melendez radiates expanded consciousness. www.coyotecrossing.com http://www.iqmwellness.com
Catherine H. M. Dukes, PhD:
Article “Talking to your (Step)Kids about S-E-X: Without dying from embarrassment” Dr. Dukes is a sexologist and sex educator with 15 years’ experience in teaching youth, parents and professionals about various aspects of sexuality and sexual health. She is the Vice President of Education and Training for Planned Parenthood of Delaware and Associate Professor of Sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, California. Dr. Dukes has done professional training in sexual health topics from the West Coast to the East Coast, been featured on local and national TV and a Discovery Channel documentary.
Rebecca Milora
MSN, CRNP. Rebecca earned her Master’s degree in nursing from the University of Pennsylvania. Now a holistic health nurse practitioner, and gifted healer, it is her privilege and passion to empower others in personal growth and optimal health. Specializing in nutrition and promoting health and beauty from the inside out, Rebecca holds group workshops as well as personal consultations. Readers (of all ages) can call for a complimentary initial phone consultation. Full Circle Holistic Health- 215-479-1965
Virginia Sticinski:
Article: “A journey of hope, Embracing Autism” Virginia received her B.A. in psychology from the University of Delaware and a Master’s degree in education from Wilmington University. She has been a member of the Autism Society of DE for ten years, and is the proud mother of four boys, two of which are on the autism spectrum. She currently teaches psychology and human sexuality at Delaware Technical and Community College.
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CONTRIBUTORS
CONTRIBUTORS Andrea B. Largent, MSW, CYT:
ARTICLE “The Bio-Stepmom-who serves whom and how?” Systemic Family Therapist, Family Constellations since 1995, first in Germany, her home country, as of 2000 in Europe, Canada and the U.S. She is a counselor, teacher, and workshop facilitator and has over 25 years of corporate, social, not-forprofit and entrepreneurial experience both in Europe and the United States. Her international education includes systemic family therapy, reiki, neurolinguistic programming, gestalt therapy, psychoanalysis, journeying, past life work, classical yoga, as well as yin and taoist yoga, Plato’s dialogue’s, training in family conferencing (New Zealand model), as well as using circles in the context of restorative justice. Beyond all of these modalities, her passion is the human and consciousness development. Specialty: Remembrance within the family’s field on disruptions and diseases. Article Description: A strength-based systemic look at the roles of Biological and Stepmothers-- how they can collaborate and what the pitfalls are (includes fathers)
M.L Meehan:
Articles: “The Parent/Teacher Partnership and Children’s Book Look.” Mrs. Meehan has been a dedicated elementary teacher for 27 years, a devoted wife for 16 years, and a loving mother for 15 years. Her favorite pastimes include reading, tennis, Scrabble, and game night with her family. She has written many plays for children, and takes great pride in watching her students shine in their performances
Annie Hart:
Article: “Intimacy (in-to-me-you-see)” Breakthrough Coach and Master Storyteller “Love what you do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” But what about when love is what you do? For Annie Hart, a breakthrough coach, trainer, and master storyteller, showing people love is the key to her business. “I believe in the power of loving people—it’s absolutely the core of my business. Being heartfelt and genuine is my personal key to exceptional business and personal growth and happiness. Annie’s unique job carries with it many diverse responsibilities. “There is no average workday. I see private clients two days a week to create personal breakthroughs through one-on-one sessions, and the rest of the time I write, blog, sip tea, or work with my business partner on more global and community projects.” Annie has also continued sharpening her business skill of forward thinking. “I want to create a large scale service organization that takes people who want to change the world, like artists, entrepreneurs, and other change agents, and helps them tangibly achieve their dreams to create a prosperous life for all.” At the heart of her dream to create that organization and the purpose of her current business endeavor, is the idea that whatever she is doing should be for the benefit of people. “The cornerstone of my business is making the world a better place and it should never be anything less. Otherwise, what would I stand for, If not to make a better world for others?” www.anniehart.com.
Annette Padilla:
Claudette Chenevert
ARTICLE: TBD Claudette Chenevert of Coaching Steps works with stepfamilies who are struggling to create a cohesive family life. Claudette, a Stepfamily Relationship coach provides the structure, energy and focus that enable families to achieve their goals within a specific timeframe, often surpassing expectations. Unlike therapists, her approach is to support and encourage the individual to find their own answers, thereby maximizing the long-term impact of the coaching series. For more information on programs and services, go to http://www.coachingsteps.com
Amy Crawford LMFT, PhD , a licensed psychotherapist, has been writing for five years
in the fields of adventure sports, travel, psychology and education. Her work has been published in academic journals and monthly publications. Much of her experience has been working with children and family systems from a depth psychological perspective. Amy is passionate about cultivating soul-centric families. Amy has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and a PhD in Transformative Psychology. She is a silly, life-long learner who has always craved adventure; personally, physically, and emotionally.
Article: “Fitness Intimacy, the alchemy of Freedom” Annette is a personal trainer, group X fitness instructor and a lifestyle coach. Since 1984 her passion has been one of conscious awareness and deliberate action toward the nurturing of the spirit within, educating that the physical changes are a direct result of the level of deservancy one chooses to acknowledge and grow. Annette’s approach is unique and humorous. Specializing in core conditioning and integrity of movement while treating the problem rather than the symptom, makes Annette an expert in empowering the spirit while encouraging the physical results that people desire, enabling pain-free movement and the indulgence of life.
Rosemary Lane, Cover Artist:
Rosemary Lane is a former Professor of Art and Coordinator of Printmaking at the University of Delaware and Founder of the Luminare’ Wellness and Expressive Arts Center. She has been in Who’s Who in American Art since 1986 and exhibited her work in over 150 juried and invitational national and international art exhibits and 20 one and two person shows. She has received numerous national & statewide awards and grants including an Individual Artist’s Fellowship from the DE State Arts Council and a Mid Atlantic Arts Foundation Grant. Her artwork is in numerous permanent collections in the US and abroad, including the Milwaukee Museum of Art, the Creative Center for the Arts, Troisk-Mosow and the Royal Museum of Fine Art, Antwerp, Belgium. Lane is committed to transcending barriers through the arts and generating goodwill and understanding between cultures. An advocate for art for peace projects, Lane was elected Coordinator of the International Cultural Arts Network (ICAN), at the Global Peace Initiative of Women in New York City. She was then Guest Curator of the Iraqi/US Art Initiative: Bridge of Hope exhibition in 2008 at the Delaware Art Museum. (www.ICANartworks.com)
www.RosemaryLane.net
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
CONTRIBUTORS
VOLUME 2
PAGE 39
CONTRIBUTORS
Kristen Rubin:
Article: TBD Kristen Rubin is a Certified Holistic Health Coach and a graduate of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition in Manhattan, a division of Teacher’s College at Columbia University. She is also a certified Personal Trainer, Pilates Teacher, and Massage Therapist. She believes in an integrated approach to wellness, focusing on the unique needs of each individual. Kristen began her career path in the corporate world as a Civil Engineer, and rapidly shifted to the Health Sciences, following her passion for exercise and wholesome food. She is also a mother of four very busy, athletic children. She has volumes of experience balancing the demands of corporate life, new-age motherhood and healthy lifestyle choices. Kristen helps families create more wholesome, yet efficient ways of living. She strives to treat each client as a unique individual, and to create a personal holistic wellness program tailored to their specific needs. . Kristen@ BetterBalancedLiving.com 610-331-6184
Kay Lesh, Ph.D.
ARTICLE: “Money and Intimacy: A Match Made in Heaven?” . Kay Lesh, Ph.D. is an educator and psychotherapist. She has worked as a therapist for over 30 years, and is licensed by the State of Arizona as a Professional Counselor and as a Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a private therapy practice in Tucson AZ. Additionally, she teaches Psychology at Pima Community College. She presents workshops, seminars and classes on a variety of personal growth issues. She has written a number of articles on topics related to the impact of physical disability, women and rehabilitation, dealing with suicide in the family, psychology of money, and developing self-esteem. Dr. Lesh is the coauthor of “Building Self-Esteem: Strategies for Success in School and Beyond,” 3rd. Edition, Prentice Hall, 2002; “Our Money Ourselves for Couples: A New Way of Relating to Money and Each Other,” Capitol Books, Inc. 2003, and “Our Money Ourselves: Redesigning Your Relationship with Money” Amacom Books, 1999.
Dr Elizabeth Webb:
ARTICLE “Prophecies of your Imagination” Dr. Elizabeth Webb,Ph.D has practiced Preventive Medicine for over 20 years. The services she offers in her West Chester office include Homeopathy, Color/Light Therapy, Herbal/Nutritional Support, Hypnotherapy, Reflexology and Reiki. She is also able to assist you with specific detoxing protocols for allergies and immune support. “Living in the Heart” counseling for individuals, couples and children will help you rediscover the innermost beauty and joy within your heart- the home of your Spirit. With her intuitive ability, compassionate heart, and extensive knowledge of alternative paths to wellness. Dr. Webb delights in educating her clients and witnessing their amazing transformation as they take responsibility for their lives and healing. 610-256-0483 Preventive Medicine – Homeopathy- Living in the Heart-- Emotional/Spiritual Counseling West Chester, Pa. www.drelizabethwebb.com.
XFM was built from inspiration, wisdom and healing. Every contributor has contributed to this community project without any compensation. This is what makes our contributors EXTRA-extraordinary! To every person who has given their time, talent and expertise, I thank you for being who you are. Much admiration, Christina Marie
XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE
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If you are looking for new or used furniture, one-of-a-kind collectibles, or eclectic accents, you have to visit Resellers Consignment Gallery. As the Mainline's premier upscale consignment marketplace, we make buying and selling a fun experience. We are open seven days a week and receive a large influx of items daily, so you have to shop early and often. We accept only the best consignments available! Everything is in very good to excellent condition. We are conveniently located on Rt. 30 in the Frazer Shoping Center, landmarks are Nudys Cafe, Pepperidge Farm and Calico Coners. If you are moving, downsizing, or just bored with your gently used furniture and accessories, start by emailing pictures of your furniture consignment items or stop by the store and bring your pictures in. Small decor items such as art, lamps, collectibles, etc., can be brought into the store for review any day.You and RCG agree on a competitive price, we offer 50/50 terms on each consignment. After 30 days, if the item has not sold it goes down 25% and another 25% after 60 days. If after 90 days, the item has not sold you may pick it up within 5 days. Need more information please email, call or check our website. We Make It Simple! Upon approval of your consignment pieces, our pick-up service will be happy to schedule a time to pick up your item(s). Our 20,000 sqft. showroom allows your items to be seen by hundreds of potential buyers each week. Hot items may even sell on the first day. Purchasing an item to large for your vehicle, no worries we also deliver! Local pick-ups and deliveries can be scheduled for a fee $75. Consignors and customers alike have learned the convenience and incredible value offered by Resellers Consignment Gallery. Our diverse clientele includes dealers, collectors, interior decorators, real estate home stagers, and everyday people looking for that "gotta have it" piece. Styles: There's a little bit of everything from antique to modern, you name it and we probably have it! Brands: Vary from day-to-day and include:Henredon, Bernhardt, Hekman, Hinkel Harris, Baker, Kittinger, Jens Risom, Knoll, Thayer Coggin and quality everyday furniture. Additionally, we also carry Waterford, Lladro, Lenox, Royal Doulton/Copenhagen & many more! GIFT CARDS AVAILABLE XPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE