The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
Saint Lauron Flash Before Your Eyes
Bullet lodged in my neck, metal plate in myface and a rod with two screws in my arm.
I’m fasho blessed. Most said a miracle, an unforgettable moment in mylife where I couldn’t imagine what would happen in the next minute or two. I never experienced being so scared, nervous and regretful all at once, mentally/physically/emotionally until then. Me getting shot 7 times was never part of the plan in mylife story. Now as a father of 3 boys, I look back at these experiences, feelings, choices differently. Let me tell y’all how it all started…
I grew up on the east side of Chicago, “Terror town” to be exact. I was surrounded by mf’s either selling drugs, doing drugs, or robbing, stealing, killing. Getting addicted to any of these things was easy around that way. You was either going to get addicted to selling the drugs using them or committing at least one of these crimes. Shid maybe all ain’t no telling…
Personally, I got addicted to most of them, mainly using and selling. It all started from me and my homie smoking weed. We were about 9 and 10 when we smoked our first blunt and it was ight to me, so I kept doing it.
We was the youngest niggas on the block. Everybody else was like four or five years older than us and they didn’t GAF what we did. They looked at us like the newest lil members of the hood anyway. They embraced it so the next few years dem the niggas we was on a block wit. I was excited because I always wanted a big bro. Being around older guys made me feel they could teach me. But now as I look back I wish there was a better crowd I could have hung with.
that from the older guys we hung with.
Ku nem sold weed and crack but us, we was bad asl kicking all the doors in to the buildings so we could smoke in the hallways, and stealing cars and stuff. We used to call them steamers, keep the flathead screwdrivers on us, find an old car. If the doors wasn't unlocked bust the window, break the plastic neck part off wit da flat head, then find the little u shaped piece by the ignition. Put the flathead in there and start the car up boom. Now we joy riding around the hood. Shit was easy. We was about 11 and 12 at that time and had a lil crew now. We learned
Thenacouplemonthslaterbroendupgettingkilled.Thefirsttimeweseenoneofthe bigbrothersdiefromtheblock.Weheardherobbedsomeguyfromtheothersideand dudebrothercameandkilledhim.That’swhenshitstartedescalating.Iwassad,hurt. He’swhobroughtustotheblockandtaughtus.Thenwewantedtoknowwhy.What happened?
We were about 13 and 14 at this time, also the time we started experiencing guns and shit. Bro nem start showing us how to use them and all that. We ain’t start using them immediately but we was on the block with them and shit. So, ku nem did what they did. Dude nem come back, hit one of the other big bros, then from there it’s just like ping-pong back-and-forth. It was nerve wracking.
Ku Nem gave us a gun but we never really did shit with it. We ain’t even carry it, we was still shorties. But it really hit the fan in like October for me and my homie. We was just walking down the street to McDonald’s on 79th and Phillips. A car pulled up on the side of us and started shooting. Of course we take flight, run right back in the crib. We stay right on 78th and Phillips. Neither one ofusgothitthough, butwe hadan idea ofwho diditalready. Itwas obvious. We was about15atthis time, once we toldFu Nem whathappened, they kind ofbrusheditoff. Butwas like “Wegavey’allapipe. Whyy’allain’tuse it?Y’allknew whatwasgoing on andy’allbe serving andshity’allthinkdude nem ain’tgonna start trying to catchanybody they see…”They like “Y’allknowwhaty’allgotta do, that’s up toy’allthough.”
A year or two went by and we are about 16 and 17. I was in high school at South Shore and was working the block. My homie from the sandbox then got shot in his eye and in the back of his head. It hurt my heart when I found out he was in the hospital for that but the blessing was that he didn’t die, he made it through. He couldn't tell me shit at the moment though so I had to wait until he got out of the hospital. But what shocked me was when he got out the hospital, he said it was one of the guys that did it. That threw me for a loop.
My sis used to kick it with this guy who was heavy with the smoke. Nigga used to bring like 50 60 bows in my OG basement. Garbage bags full of weed. He was cool, well he turned out to be cool. Low-key the way I met him, I was taking his shit. But I guess he started figuring out I was taking it so one day he only brought two bows over there…
What I do? I took half of one. I don't know what he had going on, but he told my sis he needed it. She was tweaking and then my OG got in it somehow. So my OG like “if you got that man shit just give it to him.” I wasn’t trying to hear that though, all while my sis was doing all that ramping around. But it was all for a good reason, because I shouldn’t have been doing what I was doing anyway.
He drove on me like “Look shorty. If you got it, just give it to me or put it somewhere. I’ll give you a whole bow after this but I got some shit going on. ” I really need that, so long story short, I put it somewhere, gave him it. After that, he really gave me a whole bow. It started one of the best relationships in my life, I thought. Me and his friendship changed, in the long run it wasn’t as good as I thought. He started hollering at me seeing what I was doing. You know I used to bag it all up. He started fronting me and showing me how to sell weight. First plug I ever really had. So here I go, I’m getting deeper into serving. In the long run it wasn’t as good as I thought.
That went on for a couple years. I’m about 19 or 20 now. I had my first kid, got me a new car that he sold to me. It’s about 2009, I’m back-and-forth from the hood to the OG crib. Got a lot of traffic in and out of OG crib now too. She low-key used to help me when I was gone to da hood. She’ll dump people that came to the crib for me. That was a blessing. But versus what we got going on in the hood I then ended up getting into it with these guys around OG crib.
Now you know when guys start making real paper mfa start hating. Never fall too far behind getting some money. So they try to tell me I gotta stop serving over there. Not gonna happen, they knew where I was from and they knew I kept guns on me. So how y’all want to do it. They don’t do shit. Cool I keep moving how I move. Next thing you know my crib get raided.
Manufacturing and delivering. They found 278g scale, bags, money. I bond out for that. Later on down the line I got probation. Holler at my plug. He tell me “I got you. Keep hustling they broke and you doing something right you just gotta move a little different.” Check. I’m back hustling. I figured someone told on me, and thought I could still get away with it. I was making a lot of money, so I figured I would stay with it. Looking back, another young-minded decision that I made. I start dumping out my alley. That’s when it starts getting real with them. Few weeks go by bro told me to stop dumping out the crib. I ain’t listen though. I just switched to the alley. Got my little chick over there. I’m playing the game chilling in the crib. Mfs want smoke. I sent her back there.
This girl come back with two guys with masks on, pipe to her head. They ran in my space. Good thing my OG wasn’t there at the time. That would’ve been so out of order. Anyway they run in on thirsty. “Where the money? Where the shit at?” They got the pipes on me now I ain’t got nothing to say though. “It is what it is. Y’all gonna do whatever y ’all gonna do.” They were so thirsty for my pipes though. They really ain’t care about shit else.
Dude nem got real good off me that night. Took a bow and 1900 from me. I was mad asl. I call my homie because they take my car keys, but don’t take the car so I can’t chase a mf. My homie pull up in 10 minutes though.
I tell Shorty lock the door. Bell right in the car with Ku. Grab a pipe. Now we in traffic. We keep flipping the same particular 5-6 blocks for about an hour. Don’t see nobody. Last time we spin we see like three mfs and they standing on the blocks where they always be at…
The next morning I ain’t got no paper. Called my plug tell him what happened. He don’t hesitate bringing me some more. I never disappoint him so he never said no but now I gotta double pay bro cuz he already fronted me. But I had a decent little time so mfa got that right back to him in two weeks. I never told my OG about that either. She still don’t know to this day. But dumping out the crib was all the way dead. I bought a new key for my car.
Once I got that I was in traffic with everything from this point on. That went “smooth” for a few years, but eventually I caught my first case where I had to sit for a minute. Armed violence. I was like 23. First time I went to the joint. Three years, no good time. Do that lil time, come home OG say, she don’t want me to hustle. Cool. I called myself trying to work a job.
I really tried to make that shit work for about a year but it wasn’t getting me nowhere, so yeah, back to hustling I went… Lil cuz nem was older now. They be in the hood too, but these little niggas do fraud, crack cards and hot cars all kind of shit. That’s how I get back on though. I’m back in action. Everything was fine, or so I thought.
I’m kicking it with a couple of the guys that I know towards my OG crib mfs gotta restaurant we be hustling out of so that’s where we playing. My homie nem still been chasing bullshit and not even trying to but end up catching wind of the mfs who actually ran in my crib. It was so crazy how it happened my homie caught a petty case and go to the County.
Then you know from bullpen to bullpen guys be talking too much. Shid. Dude end up telling him how he knew a guy named Lil Ron and how he be serving around so and so, and how they ran in his crib and all that. So my homie say he just listening. Show you how small the world is you don’t know who you be talking to. Long story short we catch up with them, they catch up with us. Now it’s really open season for mfs. Boom, catch another case while I’m on parole. Now I gotta sit for another year, come back home 2019.
So 2019 I kinda had my head on straight. Yeah, I was back hustling but not out the spot where I lay my head, got my weight back up. I was getting money and out the way, until I start chilling with this female I knew I shouldn’t have been chilling with. A devious, disloyal female, I can admit that God did show me signs and symbols about her, and I ignored it.
Now I actually understand how serious it is to pay attention to these things, and learned my lesson the hard way. Almost lost my life behind it but long story short I met her at a friend crib where I used to keep all my stuff. My friend was a female and shorty looked like a money hungry female. Caramel skin, long real hair, hazel brown eyes, thick asl, Coke bottle shape.
So how I met her, I was coming in and grabbing my shit finna walk back out and of course once she seen that her eyes turn big as golf balls, but the type of guy I was, you can’t just come around and get something from me you either had to show me you was worth something or I’ll just leave you. So her being around my friend of course, my friend told her that. I ain’t gone lie she tricked me for quite a minute. She impersonated being a female that’ll actually be there for a mf. Practically begging to be in a relationship with me though.
Of courseI shotherdown numeroustimes ,but sh e wasn’tlettinguptill oneday.Ikind of went through some serious shit and caugh t another pipe case ,but shehadlik e went overth e extreme to get me out .that’ s whenI actuall ygottrickedintobelievingsh e was100 .Shortlyafterthatis when allthelootingstarted andPPP moneycame .So nowI’ mhustlingdoingmything.Sh e got herlittl e shit goingonbutthrough allthatis whenI’ m catchingherjustd oingshitinvol vingother guys .Another place whereIknowI messed upis,I should’ velefther alone .But mebeingstupidI just started messingwith otherfemales whileI was still withher .That’ s aroundth etimeI start seeingthat sh e reallydidn’ t stand onherbusiness either .
She wasn’t a hustler, she was just used to kicking it with guys and using them. All while I’m seeing this I’m saying to myself like “Yeah you need to leave her alone.” So she goes and spends her last lil duckets on a house and expects me to pay the bills, which I don’t. That was the last straw for me. I left her alone after that happened and that’s when shit really hit the fan and I found out how devious she could be. So of course she knew about the guys I was into with an a little bit about everything I had going on.
So she put me in the blender. Told them dudes how I move, where I be moving around at, like real specific spots. And shortly after that dudes mostly definitely got up with me. Followed me all day. Got up on me and on the side of my car. 11/11 is a night I’ll never forget. They say those are angel numbers, so I feel like that night the devil came to try to take me out. It was an angel there with me to keep me here cause God knows I was caught with my pants down. They had the ups on me and it wasn’t shit I can do about it. All the years I’ve been doing this shit I never thought I’ll ever be caught on the other end of the gun at least not like this…
Once I got older and experienced jail, came home and got a lot closer with my oldest brother who's not in the streets, I actually got a chance to see light from his perspective. He showed me that there were different ways to make the amount of money that I was seeingfrom drugs or the streets without having to actuallybe in the streets or break the law. Once I seen that the streets and breaking the law was left behind, as my childhood was, I became a better person for me and my small familyI created. It was one of the best feelings I ever had and I was still able to spend and make money at the same rate, sometimes even more. I’mliving proof that it is possible toheal and unlearnhard things we’velived andbeen taught.
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
