Who Am I? D.A.M

D.A.M

Who Am I?

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

Who Am I? D.A.M

“There’s is nothing that enters a man from outside which can defile him; but the things which comes out of him, those are the things that defiles man”-Matthews 15:11

Who am I ??? If you would’ve asked me that question 15 yrs ago I’d probably say I'm this, that and the third, all of which doesn't define the person I really am. At that point in my life I was going through the roughest patch of my life at least at that time or so I thought.

If you would’ve asked me that question 30 years ago, I would’ve just said I’m plain ole Demetrius McVay. I had no clue of who I could be or who I would become. Around that time I was a mischievous young boy.

All my mother would say was “I told you so” or "I bet your ass learn next time”, or I would just get my butt whooped. I remember one day vividly, my friend Bam had got a new 10 speed Huffy Bike. I always saw others riding the handlebars so I wanted to try it.

Why I do that? Moms said “Boy get your butt off of that bike like that before you hurt yourself”. I abided but when we hit that corner I hopped my ass right back on them handlebars.

Now this fool was riding so fast I could barely get settled. At the time we were coming upon a group of our friends on the corner of 117th and Stewart. By the bike being brand new the brakes were fresh and this ignoramus comes to an abrupt stop and I fly face first into the concrete on shards of glass.

My whole left side of my face was bloody. I ran home crying and my moms says “I told yo ass!” She definitely did! It’s ironic because a year or so later all of my cousins and I were spending the night at a relatives house and on our way I fell into an open manhole. It was dark out and all the lights were busted out as well.

All I know is I fell into a sewer. I can’t say how. But I suffered a fractured eye socket, because I had hit my left eye on the edge of the sewer and blacked out. My little brother Andre was born around that time. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to see my mother tied up, head bleeding, and crying. My little brother’s big cousin Michelle was also crying but she was completely naked and helping untie my moms.

I later found out she was a victim of rape. I also found out the reason for that whole situation later down the line. I was 7 years old at that time. We moved back to Altgeld Gardens some time afterwards when my baby brother Cortez was born. I was around 10 or 11 at that time.

My moms got involved in a very toxic relationship for almost 12 years. Details I’d rather leave where they are. But it did come in between our mother and son time and therefore I turned towards the streets.

My grandmother always tried to keep me doing something but as always I wanted to get back to them Altgeld Garden streets. The struggle got harsher then I wanted things my mother couldn’t get me at the time so I started hustling selling candy. We used to go downtown on Michigan Ave to solicit

On a bad day I could walk away with $100-$150, good days from $200-$300, it was one of the best times of my life. I was able to buy shoes, clothes, a little weed here and there and even was able to give my O.G. a few ends sometimes. I was 12,13,14 and 15 at those times.

When I turned 16 my big cousin put it in my head that I could hustle crack because he saw the type of money I was bringing in off selling candy. I figured I can make money and stay in the hood doing it!? It was on and popping. I just had to stay clear of mom dukes and her friends who’d tell on me.

I was good at it too but as we know all good things come to an end or better rephrased, what’s good for others might not be good for us. I started getting into gang fights and all. If you asked me it always started over a female.

Me and my homies stayed fresh with money in our pockets. We used to go to The Route on 63rd, The House of Kicks on 95th, and the CYC on 111th (our favorite spot) or just the movies off 87th and the Dan Ryan.

So I understood where the envy came from, plus a lot of guys at the time I grew up around weren't hustling or some were still getting allowances from their mothers. A few fist fights here and guns pulled out there, that shit came to my O.G. front door. I remember the convo like yesterday. She told me I had 2 little brothers she had to raise and that whatever I got going on I need to get it together, plus I thought I was grown anyway.

Long story short I went 2yrs without living with my mother because she left the hood as quick as we came and started living with my brother's people. I would visit frequently.

Sometimes I slept in open cars on cold winter nights or the park on hot summer nights. I was still selling drugs so I’d use that excuse to be out late hours of the mornings. I never told anyone any of that but my woman, and the crazy part was I had a family out there. I just never wanted to overstay my welcome.

My best friend DC caught on and eventually invited me to stay with him. His moms was tripping at first but I grew on her especially when she found out who my moms was. This is the time in my life where things changed for the worst. One day me and 3 other friends including DC and a random female was chilling at DC’s house. It was basically his crib since his mom was living with her boyfriend in the city.

Now we always had shit going, and were just chilling and bro (DC) grabs a gun from the closet and was playing with it but we paid it no mind. We always had guns in his crib don’t ask me why. We just did! The girl who was there was getting paranoid asking us to tell him to put the gun down.

We were drunk off of a half a gallon of Blue Label Vodka so we didn’t mind shit, he always did this when we partied at the crib. But his left hand was swollen from a previous fight and he was a lefty. All I knew was that my friend was lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood, losing his life from a gunshot wound to the head.

For years I couldn’t get over that, seeing his body sprawled out having convulsions, life slipping out of him. I stopped dressing, I stopped grooming myself, I was just lost. I started popping ecstasy and drinking and smoking excessively. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, my mind was racing, that is until the judge sent me downstate to figure it out.

I partially blame myself because I should have told Bro to put that gun down. I was 20 at the time and the day was November 29th. Two years later I'm back home more mature and more weight than I thought I could carry. I had my first son Loyal at 26, then Sincere, and Nasir came right behind. Right now they’re ages 11, 9, and 8. My relationship with their mother was very toxic as well and I didn’t want that type of energy around my kids but I stayed around because I didn’t want to leave my babies behind; I vowed not to be one of those fathers.

Our thing got so bad I started to pray to God for a way out of that relationship. I prayed for a good woman to love me and my kids no matter what and to start a family. Fe-Fe as I like to call her. She’s just something special that I think, No, I know I need in my life.

Besides my kids she brought some long overdue joy to my life. I allowed some of that toxicity to spill into our love life. A big regret, but God kept us going strong.

As I say I asked for someone to love me no matter what and that she does. My closest relatives love her and the way she came along and put me in check to say the least. My mom especially because she’d say things like “Do Felicia know?” or ”I’m telling Felicia!” (lol), I think Fe gave her less to worry about when it came to me

Honestly, she helped me get it together. I started working at a packing company (something I never did) and even went to school and earned my welding certificate. I thank God for her everyday. I think he put her in my life to soften my heart up. The bible says the inheritance comes from parents but a good wife comes from God. Love GOD!

😀

Right now I’m in jail for a crime I didn’t commit but as time goes on I wonder why all this has happened. I realized I had taken my blessings for granted. All that I’ve asked for the unconditional love of a woman, the kids, and credentials to motivate me to become great and I just wanted to run the streets. Smh.

If you ask me I think I was scared of the responsibility or possibility of failing them. But God is definitely good and things are coming along fine, Amen! I think he just wanted to show me how everything can be gone in an instant, sort of like the story of Job. I also think he wanted some alone time with me, however it may be.

I lost my moms this year to cancer. It hurts but I try to think we at each other's heads right now but we’ll be talking soon. I know once God releases me I'm gonna break down. I’m more mature and humble than I feel I can ever be, but the real test will come when he places me back in society. I have great support and great resources and I’m ready to use them.

I'm 37 yrs old and at this point in my life if you ask me who I am… I’d say I’m a true believer in God and his son Jesus Christ. I’d say I’m a father figure of 7...I’d say I’m a lover, a friend, and a partner of Felicia Ann…A work in progress …..I’d say I’m Demetrius McVay son of Bonnie Sullivan and Clovin McVay Jr…. A survivor, a leader, and a walking testimony!

Demetrius McVay I Am I am from Altgeld Gardens, Dirty 1-30 From fists fights and candy selling I am from 13270 S. Ellis I am from hustling and saving up for clothes and shoes I am from Bonnie Sullivan and Suzanne Harper From family gatherings And from no nonsense I’m from my mother, my only friend And from hard head makes a soft ass I’m from giving things to God I’m from Cook County From Barbeque and Pepsi From Loyal, Sincere and Nasir I am from strength and survival

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright

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