Gò0dNews for Parents
When Should Your Teen Date? by Julie Baumgardner
“When will I be old enough to date?” - the question many parents dread.
• They still need your guidance. The prefrontal cortex, or the rational
You've known it was coming, but you also realize you are crossing over
part of the brain that helps with planning, decision-making,
into a whole new world with lots of moving parts, plenty of which you
problem-solving, self-control and thinking about long-term actions
cannot control.
and their consequences, is nowhere near fully formed, and it won’t
You may reply sarcastically, “When you’re 30!” Or, you may try to be a bit more realistic and really wrestle with the right age for your child to date, which may be different depending on the child. A study published in The Journal of School Health found that dating during the teen years can help teens learn social skills and grow in emotional intelligence. But guess what? Not dating during these years actually has benefits as well. Here's what they found: • The non-dating students had similar or better interpersonal skills than their more frequently dating peers. • While the scores of self-reported positive relationships with friends, at home and at school did not differ between dating and non-dating
be until age 25 or so. This has huge implications for teen behavior. • Healthy relationship skills don’t come naturally, even if your teen seems super smart. They are the result of intentional teaching and modeling of behavior such as looking someone in the eyes during a conversation, using a respectful versus disrespectful tone of voice, and having high regard for one’s feelings. • What your teen does in high school absolutely will follow them into adulthood and impact future relationships. Set standards, develop a strategy and don’t allow them to believe the lie that how they treat others now (or allow themselves to be treated) won’t impact them later. Unfortunately, this is a harsh reality many have experienced. • Sexual activity affects teens’ mental and emotional health.
peers, teachers rated the non-dating students significantly higher
While the culture often pushes that having sex in the teen years
for social skills and leadership skills than their dating peers.
is perfectly normal, plenty of young adults now believe that kind
• The study indicated that students who didn’t date were also less
of relationship in high school created more anxiety, stress and
likely to be depressed. Teachers’ scores on the depression scale
depression for them and distracted them from truly enjoying the
were significantly lower for the group that reported no dating. And,
teen years.
the proportion of students who self-reported being sad or hopeless was significantly lower within this group as well. Teen dating relationships today are complicated. Here are just a sample of the thoughts teens have, and the drama that often accompanies dating relationships is a whole other discussion that cannot be disregarded. “Does she like me?” “Is he cheating on me?” “I’m scared of what he will do if I break up with him. I think he might hurt himself.” “Are his constant questions about where I am,
• They need to hear from you that their value and worth is not dependent on their relationship status. Friendships can be rich, deep and rewarding. Teens need to know and appreciate that their uniqueness is what makes them individuals. • Experiencing a range of emotions in relationships is normal, and it helps teens build their emotional regulation muscle. Being able to discern how they are feeling and learning to handle the intensity of the emotions that come with being in any relationship with others, whether it is happiness, sadness, anger, elation, disappointment or
what I am doing, who I am with, and what I am wearing signs of how much he loves me?” “Do I break up with him because he is mean
encouragement, is beneficial. So, when will your child be old enough to date? Great question! It’s definitely something you
or stay with him because a bad relationship is better
should consider with great care ahead of time.
than being in no relationship?”
Waiting until they are 30 for sure isn’t the right
In an endless sea of questions, some teens feel intense pressure to date and be in the “cool”
answer. Agreed-upon guidelines for when the time is right will be important. And, it may be
crowd while others could care less. Either ways,
comforting to you and to your teen to know
this is a time to pour into your teen the qualities
that in no way does it mean they are missing
that will help them navigate relationships in a
out if they don’t date at all during the teen years.
healthy way, whether it is romantic or not. The forefront of your mind as you seek to teach your teen how to engage in relationships with others.
20 // March 2020
About The Author
following things are important to keep in the Julie Baumgardner is the President and CEO of First Things First and a certified marriage and family life therapist.
