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10 TIPS FOR RESPONSIBLE NON-MONOGAMY
Lyndon Cudlitz, Training & Education Manager
Remember, there is no one true/best way There are so many ways for non-monogamy, open relationships, and polyamory to look. Even individuals in the same relationship may have different ideas of how non-monogamy works best for them, but can come to a common definition for the connection they share. Explore options and possibilities to find what suits you best! Discuss your definitions Words like “dating” or “sex” can mean different things to different people. When discussing boundaries, needs, desires, and hopes for the future, figure out what each person’s definition is. This can help avoid boundary violations, and you’ll get to know each other better. Make agreements and set boundaries Know your own limits and respect those of other people. Some people are okay hearing the juicy details of another date, some people can only be “out” about one relationship on Facebook, etc. Many relationships find it helpful to write these agreements out for reference. Periodically revisit agreements to check-in and re-evaluate. Be honest about your availability and priorities Giving enough time and energy to meet your partner(s) needs and your needs is something that can require constant attention and re-evaluation. Discuss what each person needs to balance all aspects of their lives, including self-care. Sharing Google Calendars has been an effective time management tools for many non-monogamous relationships! Communicate Communicate Communicate Non-monogamy can often require even more nuanced and intentional communication because there are more people’s needs, desire, and feelings to consider. Check in with you partner(s) from time to time. Listen as much as you share. Be honest about your feelings and needs, and create the kind of environment where others can do the same. Strive to make all your partners feel validated Even if you have a “primary/secondary/etc” model, all partner(s) deserve respect and care. Just because you may not choose to devote the most time or energy to a “secondary partner,” doesn’t mean they should be treated as less-than. Avoid creating situations in which partners are competing for your affections. Exercise Compersion (Yes, it’s a word. Google it.) We feel happy for partner(s) when they connect with new friends, experience personal growth, etc, right? Explore what it means to share in your partner(s)’ happiness, wherever that comes from (even if you’re also experiencing feelings of jealousy). When people are happy and healthy, we are better situated to contribute positively to our relationships. Hold each other accountable Our best friendships and relationships are with people who can support us AND hold us accountable. If you notice a partner is acting unfair, or even unhealthy, in how they are talking about or behaving in another connection, express your concerns. In the end, your compassion better serves everyone involved. Learn how to apologize and to forgive We all make mistakes. Holding ourselves accountable to our missteps, apologizing, and demonstrating a change can go a long way. So can learning forgiveness – for ourselves, for our partner(s), and for our partner(s)’ partner(s). In short, be kind to others and to yourself. Have other outlets Our non-romantic and non-sexual relationships are important to maintain, as well. Besides, processing relationship issues may be best done with friends, counselors, etc, instead of with another partner. Remember the importance of your self-care and alone time, as well. Being a balanced and healthier you, benefits your relationship(s), too!
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