CANTA ISSUE 4, 2021

EDITORIAL

Welcome back, you scoundrels. I hope you all had a glorious break and enjoyed a holiday diet of Peach Ice and Cleanskin Sav. I know I did.

This issue is rather unique and something that CANTA has never done in its 91-year history, CANTA for kidz. Packed to the brim with nostalgia, in this edition, you’ll find everything from interviews with a few famous folks through to a recipe that you’re definitely not going to make.

We’ve worked through the break, and once again, our writing team has delved deep into their consciousness to pull out some unique musings. You’ll have childhood memories flood back, life-long questions answered, and you’ll be reactivating your Bebo account.

I have now ticked off one of the major milestones in my life experience and interviewed the iconic Suzy Cato. In between fighting off tears at the sheer beauty of her soul, we had a fantastic kōrero about her broadcast journey and what it meant to her to be the ‘babysitter’ of many of us via a television set. I’m complete now.

So, enjoy this issue, you lovely people. It’s meant to be fun, so have fun. Forget about your worries and your strife.

Lots of love, Liam Stretch x

Managing Editor

Liam Donnelly

Print Editor

Liam Stretch

News Editor

Emily Heyward

Designer

Conor Jones

Feature Writers

Neueli Mauafu

Lily Mirfin

Ella Gibson

Ella Somers

Contributors

Jasmine Irving

Ngawahine Thomson

Christina Gera

Rebekah Palmer

Emily Moorhouse

Sidney Waltham

Digital Editor

Pearl Cardwell-Massie

Audio Editor

Asher Etherington

Video Creative Director

MaCaulay Quinn

President ' s piece

Kia ora team,

I hope everyone had a great holiday and is enjoying their first day back on campus!

I’ve had a pretty good break, and although I was working for most of it, it was still super cool to see everyone graduate during the holidays – congrats to all of our newest UC Grads. It was so lovely to walk around town with everyone, and I’m happy the weather held out.

I did take a little bit of time off though, and was lucky enough to do a wee road trip, which was really nice. I hope you managed to take some time for yourself during the holidays.

There’s a bit happening at the UCSA at the moment, largely revolving around welcoming our new CEO and the Finance and Engagement Officer by-election. I’m going to be so grateful when we have these two on board and I can focus thoroughly on my role!

Our new CEO, Julia, arrives on 3 May. She’ll spend a bit of time getting on her feet, and once she’s comfortable in the position I’m excited to see what she achieves as CEO. We’ve got a couple of to-dos for her for sure!

The Finance and Engagement by-election nominations will be open until 29 April, so I encourage you to think about running!

It’s a fun position for sure, combining a bit of financial oversight of the organisation (checking payments etc), engagement with UCSA members over social media to keep everyone in the loop about haps at the UCSA, and engaging with the community, local and national government by way of making submissions.

We’re holding a candidate information session on Tuesday 27 April, but you can also find more information about the byelection on our website: UCSA.org.nz/ucsa-by-election/

That’s all from me for now – here’s to a stellar semester!

Kim x

Kim Fowler (she/they)

UCSA BY-ELECTION GETS UNDERWAY

By Emily Heyward (she/her)

Nominations are now open to find a new finance and engagement officer to sit on the UCSA’s student executive committee. It follows the shock resignation of Henry Wynn-Williams from the position last term, just weeks into the semester. UCSA president Kim Fowler said the student executive believed the best way to fill the role was through holding a by-election.

“We can constitutionally co-opt a current exec member, appoint a new exec member, or run a by-election to fill the role. We believe that a by-election is the most democratically sound process,” she said.

News of the vacancy was announced on Facebook in March, with the UCSA stating that Wynn-Williams was “stepping down from his position, effective immediately, for personal reasons”. While Fowler wouldn’t be probed on the nature of Wynn-Williams’

sudden resignation, she said the UCSA thought it was important to hold a by-election given the seniority of the role and it being early in the year. Students interested in the part-time role needed to complete a nomination form, write a short blurb about their interest in the position and supply a photo of themselves by midday on 29 April at the latest.

Campaigning will run from 30 April to 4 May, allowing candidates to put up placards around campus and push for votes across social media. Voting will be open for two days, and the successful candidate will be announced on 7 May. According to the UCSA’s 2020 honorarium policy, the finance and engagement officer earns $22,799 (gross, per annum).

UCSA STEALS CEO FROM VIC UNI

By Emily Heyward (she/her)

The seat at the head of the UCSA’s management table will be filled from next week after sitting empty for two months. Julia Innocente-Jones is trading in her role as Victoria University of Wellington’s Assistant Vice-Chancellor (International) to take up the position of chief executive officer of the UCSA.

The appointment follows the departure of Dave Hawkey, who finished up in February after seven years in the job. UCSA president Kim Fowler says she is “really looking forward to the position being filled”. It comes as the UCSA also looks to fill the recently vacated position of finance and engagement officer.

The hunt for a new CEO began in December last year, and Innocente-Jones was selected out of 36 applicants. She says she is “passionate about students and ensuring they have access to every possible opportunity and experience whilst they’re at uni”. Innocente-Jones has previously worked at UC as a marketing and events team leader and at Lincoln University as a marketing and recruitment director. The CEO is head of the UCSA management, receives instructions from the student executive and directs the senior leadership team.

Innocente-Jones will begin in the role on 3 May.

UC STUDENTS CONTINUE TO FACE DELAYS FOR COUNSELLING

By Emily Moorhouse and Sidney Waltham

Despite an increase in counselling and mental health support at UC, students say they’re still facing long delays for treatment.

Jane*, a third-year student, said she faced a four-week wait for a UC Health Centre counsellor when she sought help earlier this year. She’d been struggling with her mental health and was advised to see a UC counsellor, but after a long wait for the free counselling service, she turned instead to a private practice psychologist.

“It’s kind of a smack in the face for someone to say they can’t help when you’re already in a vulnerable position,” she said.

A UC spokesperson said the university had increased counselling and student care resources over the last five years, including assigning a triage counsellor to ensure students’ safety during their wait for an initial counselling session. However, Jane said she wasn’t contacted by the triage team during her four-week wait, raising questions about possible gaps in UC’s mental health care.

Anne*, 21, said she wasn’t checked during her wait for a counselling appointment earlier this year. “I never had a followup call. I went four weeks without being contacted by anyone.” She’d struggled to ask for help in the first place, and the lack of support had put her off counselling. Students at UC can also see a psychologist through the psychology centre but then face an even longer wait of six months.

Psychology Clinic director Neil Thompson said the centre’s sixmonth waiting list wasn’t ideal, and people needed help sooner. “(But) we’re limited by how much funding we get.” Thompson said he was talking with the Ministry of Health to shorten wait

times and improve access to mental health services.

Former UC students George* and John* both faced delays accessing UC’s counselling in the past and were dismayed to hear about the current wait times. They said the university needed to provide more support for students’ mental health. “It doesn’t seem like it’s one of their priorities when it should be,” John said. “It’s effectively a pandemic within young people.”

George asked whether the student services levy should be reprioritised to fund more health services. “The split between funding should prioritise healthcare more than it currently does.” About a fifth (22 per cent) of UC’s compulsory levy is used to fund health and counselling services. By comparison, Massey University contributes 36 per cent of its levy to health and counselling services. George said lifting UC’s contribution would go a long way to enabling regular counselling for those who needed it.

Papers to the University Council’s November 2020 meeting revealed demand for Health Centre consultations was high last year, as was the demand for UC’s Student Care team, which had nearly 5000 engagements with students, up from 2,800 in 2018, which it attributed to the impact of Covid-19 and the Christchurch mosque attacks. Counselling hours were increased during the exam period late last year, and UC Health has nine counsellors this year. The university has also created a UC Wellbeing Implementation Plan to enhance social wellbeing, enhance UC’s facilities, and improve communications about the services available.

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

NEWS

By Liam Donnelly (he/him)

DEAD PRINCE PHILIP ELECTED NEW FINANCE & ENGAGEMENT OFFICER

The recently deceased Prince Philip has been elected as the new Finance & Engagement Officer of the UCSA.

Prince Philip won by a sizable margin in a heated election race and has officially been inducted into the UCSA exec.

Campaign analysts suggest the prince’s decisive victory was due to the fact that being dead was his most likeable trait.

“Honestly, the fact he’s dead won’t make much of a difference,” said a UCSA Spokesperson.

NZ BACHELOR COMES OUT AS AN ASSHOLE

After the US ‘The Bachelor’ star, Colton Underwood, came out as gay in a recent interview, New Zealand’s favourite bachelor, Art Green, has made his own big reveal.

In an explosive new interview, Green revealed that he could “no longer live a lie” and that he needed everyone to know he was an asshole.

“I… I am… an asshole. It’s tough for me to come out and say this, but I’m an asshole. A complete, one-dimensional asshole.”

Green has received a wave of support online, with many people reassuring him that they already knew.

UC

TO

LAUNCH

OWN

REALISTIC GELATO FLAVOUR

The University of Canterbury has announced that it will be creating its very own gelato to be sold around campus.

Following the success of a graduation themed gelato that was sold by a boutique dessert bar, the University has announced it will be producing its very own “more realistic” flavour.

The cum, tears and antidepressant flavoured gelato is expected to be a huge hit with students, with UC stating, “it will be reminiscent of the misery they’re already feeling!”

The gelato is expected to be available for purchase at campus food outlets within a few weeks.

TRANS-TASMAN BUBBLE ALREADY BURST THANKS TO ‘POPSTARS’ TV SHOW

The long-awaited Trans-Tasman ‘bubble’, which allows for international flights between Australia and New Zealand, has already burst.

Heated negotiations had to take place between the two nations after the Australian government became aware of the revived version of the TV show, Popstars.

The Australian government announced, “We’ve recently been made aware of the TVNZ show, Popstars, and cannot in good faith support any country that creates such a shoddy TV show”.

Before borders can reopen, Australia is expected to donate some citizens in the hope of improving the show because “the terrible nature of Australians makes them inherently good for reality television,” said an MFAT spokesperson.

Immunisations. Scary appointments that thankfully occur when we are young enough to forget them. The majority of people complete the full childhood immunisation schedule, but others opt out of some or all vaccines for their children. If you fall into this category, you can make decisions around your own vaccinations.

Immunisations are important for many reasons. Some vaccines, such as the HPV vaccine, reduce certain cancers’ risk, therefore putting a focus on protecting the individual. Other vaccines such as the influenza vaccine prevent the spread of disease to vulnerable populations, in turn, building herd immunity. Vaccines protect people and play a key role in the eradication of some harmful diseases. It’s great to talk about the importance of being immunised, but we also need to look at whether you have been fully immunised and, if not, how to access that.

Do you know if you’ve been fully immunised? Do you know how to find out? The best place to start is with your well-child or ‘plunket’ book. Ask your parents or guardians to help you get

your hands on it and hopefully find some answers. If this doesn’t give you the answers you are looking for, you could also ask your doctor, and they might be able to access your immunisation history. If you can’t access your history, some vaccines, such as the MMR vaccine, are safe to have even if you’ve had a dose before.

Now you have some information about your immunisation history. What next? If you know what you’re missing and want to catch up, then you can talk to your doctor about the best course of action. Speaking to your doctor is also the best option when you’re unsure of your history. They can advise you which vaccines are safe to take and which ones are recommended for your situation.

Use all the information you can get your hands on to make an informed decision about what vaccines you need now – if any at all. Take advantage of free immunisations available to you and ask your doctor for advice if you have a specific health condition. Mā te wā, e hoa mā.

Ngawahine Thompson (she/her)

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

(THE FOUNDRY CLOSED FROM 7 PM)

FRIDAY

Art By Rebekah Palmer

You’ll have seen his many faces on Facebook under the handle ‘Tom Sainsbury – Comedian and Snapchat Dude’. With almost 200k followers across social media platforms, Tom has made quite a name for himself by taking on many different typical Kiwi characters through the use of various filters. As well as being a comedian, Tom is also an actor and can be seen on the small screen, silver screen, and even gracing the limelight on stage. Liam Stretch had a chat to him; they talk career highlights, popularity, and KFC.

For those off the grid who have no connection to the outside world, who are you?

I’m a comedian! Best job in the world. I do a lot of videos portraying various characters and post them online for the world to enjoy.

Describe your comedy style?

I’m really into truth, I guess. I like to observe how someone behaves or how they talk and then try and replicate it as perfectly as possible. When I play a character or play out a scenario, and a viewer says, ‘that’s spot on’, or ‘that’s just like my Dad’ or something of the sort, I feel like I’ve succeeded.

I’m also into the darker comedy. Death and pain and devastation are regular gotos for me.

You had a massive surge in popularity using filters; why do you think you’ve become so popular this way?

Making videos means I can be beamed into people’s lives wherever they are. So, it is simply accessibility, I reckon.

What is your favourite filter/character?

I’ve got this one character called Maz, who has big eyes and a huge mouth and works at Animates, and nothing seems to go right for him. I love playing him. I also love doing Simon Bridges. I find it quite easy to slip into his character.

Are you friends with Paula Bennett on Snapchat?

We’re not friends on Snapchat, but we are on Facebook, Instagram and have each other’s phone numbers. Lol.

If you could be any of your characters in real life, who would you be?

I’ve had one character, a no-nonsense farmers’ wife, who I would love to be like. She just gets on with the job with no fuss and doesn’t really have any crippling emotions. I’d love to be like that.

What do you think a University of Canterbury Student’s character would be like?

Look, I’m gonna say they drink quite a bit, they love doing pub crawls, they’ll be studying engineering, and their bedroom is a pigsty. Sorry for stereotyping!

Would you say your character ‘Singstar Dude’ in ‘Guns Akimbo’, alongside Daniel Radcliffe, is one of your career highlights?

Oh my god, you know that part? That 30 seconds on-screen role? Hahaha. Well, look, I loved meeting Daniel Radcliffe, and he said I was funny. So I’m having that put onto my gravestone.

You perform on stage and screen; how do these two mediums differ?

Screenwork allows you to get things perfect, if time allows. Stage is a lot more haphazard and sometimes doesn’t

go well, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But stage does have that instant response and a wonderful connection with your audience.

When Fiona reviews wine, do you actually drink the whole bottle?

Haha. I drink about half a glass per review. And usually film the videos in the early morning. I’m also a real lightweight when it comes to alcohol. So I’m drunk before 9am. I never thought I’d be that person.

Sextortion: Did the inspiration for this show stem from any real current events?

Colin Craig was a big inspiration for me, just the conservative side of the party. But political sex scandals, as I found out, are so common. I went down many rabbit holes during my research.

Grindr, Scruff, or Bumble – which one do you think would offer the best content for a play script?

Good call! Probably Grindr. Scruff - no one is on. Bumble - too tame. There’s a lot more drama and potential murderers on Grindr.

Wicked wings or original recipe?

Oh shit, I’m not sure of this reference. Is that because I’m vegetarian? I’m gonna go with wicked wings. I’m a fan of alliteration.

I’ve interviewed some pretty interesting people in my life. Some having more impact on me than others. Some have made me think, others have made me mad; up until the writing of this piece, none had made me cry. Suzy Cato did that to me. Not out of sadness, but from exceptional joy and reassurance that she is perhaps the greatest ever New Zealander.

In a moon boot from twisting her ankle on a flight of stairs following a trip to Queenstown, we get down to the nittygritty of how she became our ‘screen mother’, what she recalls from those days, where she is now, and any advice that she might have for us.

So, undoubtedly, most of us will remember Suzy Cato from her appearance in Suzy’s World and You and Me, some of us may even recall her on the Early Bird Show or 3pm. You’ll recall her iconic fashion, demeanour, and Mary Poppins-like singing voice.

But, for those of you who had Sky TV and maybe the misfortune of watching Noddy and Friends, I’ll let Suzy introduce herself.

“I am a friend of Kiwi kids across multiple generations. Who knows a few songs and how to make playdough; likes a good adventure and to discover and explore.”

Suzy was born in Australia and travelled over here when she was just a month old and grew up in Kaikohe. Staunchly a New Zealander, Suzy had an interesting journey into the world of children’s entertainment.

Initially a shy child, Suzy found her outlet on the stage and in books. Her foray into TV came about by happenstance.

“I joined the Early Bird Show on their 100th program as the rooster”. The main cast was out on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle tour, and there was a need for someone at home base. “So, I became the chicken lips. Most businessmen have a PA, I became a CA – chook-assist – I held everything together with a bit of glue and sticky tape.” When the usual Russell Rooster went on tour, Suzy took the wings and the beak and embodied the role.

Following this, Suzy got an opportunity to host the 3pm show. She and a small team built the show from the ground up.

It was here that Suzy realised her position on television meant more than entertainment. On the show, there was a letterbox – Marty Mailbox – which she would reach into the mouth of it and pull out the letters from children. Often being just pen pal types and fan mail, some letters also revealed the struggles some young New Zealanders were facing.

“We also addressed letters of child abuse. I realised the medium that we were working with – television – was such a powerful tool and could not only be entertainment but could provide assistance and support. It scared the bejeezus out of me. I didn’t think I deserved the trust of these beautiful young people.”

As a 21-year-old, Suzy submitted her resignation. This was not accepted by production; instead, they decided to change their model to offer support to Aotearoa’s children.

“We went on to get guests on that could show kids where in the front of the telephone book to get the help that they needed.” It was at that time that Suzy realised, “okay, having fun is one thing, but this is so much better, so much more important”.

Following the cancellation of 3pm, Suzy took a chance with You and Me – one of her more iconic shows. Despite some of her friends saying that she was taking a backwards step by remaining on a kids program and that she should be on the weather or a game show, she saw it as the perfect opportunity for “education, building self-esteem, cultural identity” and “it just ticked so many boxes”.

“For me, it just sat so clearly in a position of something that I needed to do.”

Despite being the face of many projects and holding fame in our hearts, Suzy views herself as a small cog in the wheel.

“They had been researching You and Me for a number of years. It was written by preschool educated writers, who became directors, and then producers. It was done with the kid in mind and the child’s best interest.”

You and Me went on to have 2000 episodes aired between 1993 and 1998. Following You and Me was Suzy’s World

In both of these shows, one thing that was apparent to me when undertaking some research prior to the interview was the dedication shown to Te Reo in both the writing and Suzy’s presenting. They were ahead of their time.

Growing up in Kaikohe, Te Reo was a part of life for her as a child, and it made sense to integrate this into the programs.

Liam Stretch (he/him)

She also believes we will see a lot more Te Reo peppered into contemporary kids’ shows in the coming months.

Also, when undertaking ‘in depth’ research, I stumbled upon an episode on digestion in which Suzy made a poo on national television. Requesting an explanation, she filled me in.

After looking at it on a more basic level on other shows, it made sense to take a really scientific approach. On the show, she used baked beans, a stick blender, vinegar, pantyhose, and a muslin bag to represent everything from the mouth to the anus.

She is still called to replicate this example sometimes, to mixed reactions.

“I have since re-enacted this a couple of times at schools in Auckland and have had eyes bulging, people feeling a little green, and teachers leaving the room.” She has also received mail stating that some children won’t eat baked beans

any longer, to which Suzy replied gently, “have you told them that this happens with all food, not just beans?”

When asking her what her favourite memory of the era was, she has a fondness for every opportunity she gets to sing ‘It’s our Time’, which she sang to me over the phone, making my heart flutter.

It’s special to her for “the fact that it still holds such a place in people’s hearts and memories.”

Since You and Me finished in 2002, Suzy has raised a family, been on Dancing with the Stars – eliminated far too early, in my opinion – she creates educational resources (from knucklebones to elastics) and hosts a children’s radio show.

Suzy does have some ambitions to work on resources for those of us still – just – within the youth bracket, particularly around mental health and sexual health. In ending, I asked if she had any thoughts to pass onto University of Canterbury

students; this was where my tears started rolling.

“I’d love to tell them that they are amazing. They are so inspiring. They are starting their journey on their career, or what might be the first of several careers as they grow and develop. That they are beautiful inside and out, they are not alone, never are they alone. There is always someone going through something similar to them, and there is always someone there for them. I wish them all the very best, and I am so immensely proud of them. And that whatever happens, they will be okay, and they are amazing, basically.”

“It’s okay to not be okay.”

Further tears flowed when Suzy signed off the call with her famous farewell song, “See ya, see ya later, it’s time to say goodbye”.

That’s it; my life is complete. Thanks, Suzy x.

War

By Lily Mirfin (she/her)

Annie, the classic musical about a ginger orphan, just being optimistic and hoping for a better tomorrow. As well as touch of child trafficking, you know, the usual Great Depression things.

Annie is essentially a masterclass in merging the last remnants of the golden age of Hollywood crossed with staunchly pro-capitalist politics. The film came out in 1982, a time when there was still tension between the US and the Soviet Union. This Cold War mentality is palpable throughout the film, even though it was set before World War Two. It’s blatantly pro-capitalist in a way that would go over the heads of many children. So why in the heck was it directed by one of the most prominent communist sympathisers in Hollywood through the MCCARTHY ERA.

Annie was directed by John Huston, one of the most prolific directors in history. The director of such movies as The Maltese Falcon, The African Queen, and Chinatown. Chinatown won many Academy Awards, including one for his daughter Anjelica Huston who was an actor in the movie. Annie seems like a very odd choice for an ageing Hollywood mainstay whose movies were more murder than musical. But, then again, work is work, and contracts are contracts.

Relations between the Soviet Union and the US became heated once again in the 1980s. Ronald Reagan decided to take a hard-line approach and demand for the iron curtain to be eliminated to a degree. This anti-communist and anti-Soviet sentiment had permeated American media from the reign of Senator Joseph McCarthy. During the McCarthy era, accused communists would lose their

jobs and livelihoods in Hollywood if publically outed for their political standings. The risks taken were real, and John Huston willingly took an unpopular opinion.

The director of Annie, John Huston, left the United States and moved his family to Ireland because of McCarthyism. This makes the inclusion of anti-communist sentiments baffling, to be honest. Huston was known as a communist sympathiser, so making something that is distinctly anti-communist seems like a far stretch. Maybe he just didn’t feel like insisting on a script revision and gave in? We’re all left grasping at straws for an explanation for this movie.

Huston even went so far as to be a public supporter of those facing imprisonment due to being publicly communist. This group, known as the Hollywood Ten,

were blacklisted from the screen industry for the rest of their lives. Huston was only seen as a supporter of this group, but even so, this was a dangerous position to be in as a director reliant on contracted work and investments in projects. Although Huston worked in Europe for a predominant period after this, it still doesn’t make all that much sense for him to direct a movie with such a strongly pro-communist tone.

Daddy Warbucks. The name speaks for itself, doesn’t it? The man refers to himself as “Daddy” even though he has no children. The man is confusing. Warbucks was a tycoon who occasionally deals in arms. Let me repeat; he was DEALING IN ARMS TO MAKE SURE COUNTRIES STAYED CAPITALIST. Again, who approved for this to be in a children’s movie?

Bucks

Laugh out loud, remember how adorable it was when Annie tried to clean the mansion that Daddy Warbucks was living in. How sweet that she thought she needed to work as she’d been conditioned to do whilst slaving in the orphanage. Annie forgot her friends stuck in that dirty and starved environment pretty quick once she saw Daddy’s indoor pool. But it’s ok, guys. She got her friends a nice dress at the end, even if they were probably still starving in an underfunded orphanage. Underfunded because Daddy Warbucks is a Republican who loves a good tax rebate. That last bit is even a lyric in one of the songs.

There’s one scene that really incorporates everything that’s weird with this movie is when all of Daddy’s household is altogether in his study. Then the guard (a stereotyped POC) spots a man outside with a bomb; the man with a bomb is caught by the guard. But not before Daddy’s assistant tells Annie that he was a Bolshevik who was trying to kill Daddy Warbucks because “he’s proof that the American system works and the Bolsheviks don’t want anyone knowing about it.” Seems about right, doesn’t it? Kill a man so that no one knows about the 1%.

Once you finish this movie, you will question why you spent the past two hours watching something that was this level of confusing. It’s just one giant musical mess with bizarre political messaging. I’m sure the Reagans found it endearing, though.

Childhood TV was the best TV. The TV I watched before I could identify plot holes and bad acting was awesome. To this day, I miss the rose-tinted glasses I viewed TV through. So to desperately fill the void and to find my missing dopamine, I thought it was about time I took a stroll down memory lane to find out what the child stars of the 00s are doing now.

Lizzie McGuire

(2001 – 2004)

Ahhh yes, Lizzie McGuire, our favourite shy and clumsy teen who just wants to be liked. Along with her fourth-wall-breaking, soliloquy-speaking, animated alter-ego, Lizzie found a way into the hearts of many children. So much so, it nearly got a reboot for the Disney+ streaming service.

Hilary Duff - The star of the show has gone on to have a career; to say it’s been a great career would be an exaggeration. But she joins a very exclusive group of child celebrities who didn’t go insane, so well done her.

Noteworthy Life Details - In 2020, she started trending on Twitter because people believed she was sex-trafficking her own son, which turned out to be false.

Lalaine Vergara-Paras - Vergara-Paras played Lizzie’s confident best friend, Miranda, who had dreams of being a musician. This was a dream shared by the actress herself, who released an album in 2003 called Inside Story. It did not do well.

Noteworthy Life Details - In 2007, she was arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine. She completed courtmandated drug rehabilitation, and the charge was expunged from her record (but not her Wikipedia).

Adam Lamberg – Not to be confused with Adam Lambert - the 2009 American Idol runner-up. Lamberg played Gordo, Lizzie’s childhood friend and, later on in the show, Lizzie’s beau. Lamberg hasn’t had much of a career since Lizzie McGuire and has been teaching at the Irish Arts Centre in New York.

Noteworthy Life Details - None.

that ' s so raven

(2003 – 2007)

Everyone’s favourite clairvoyant spent most episodes deciphering her vague and contextless visions of the future with crazy antics and an endless supply of elaborate costumes. It also represented the height of children’s programming and was Disney’s highest-rated show at the time.

Raven-Symoné Christina Pearman - The clairvoyant herself has kept busy, landing lots of guest appearances and voice roles in animated series. Most notably, she was a permanent panellist on the popular American talk show, The View. She returned to her clairvoyant ways for a reboot called Raven’s Home, which aired from 2017 to 2019 and is available to watch on Disney+.

Notable Life Details: On November 6, 2019, she was revealed to be the Black Widow on season 2 of The Masked Singer and finished in tenth place.

Anneliese van der Pol - van der Pol played Chelsea Daniels, the passionate environmentalist and vegetarian best friend of Raven. Van der Pol has ventured into stage performance, a lot more than her co-stars and has balanced an eclectic mix of roles in off-Broadway and local theatre productions. She also returned for the reboot, Raven’s Home.

Notable Life Moments: None

Orlando Brown - Brown played Eddie, Raven’s other best friend and aspiring rap artist. Much like his character, Brown has aspired to become a rap artist, releasing multiple songs in recent years. All of which have been met with very little commercial success. Brown has a colourful criminal record that includes; drug possession, domestic battery, resisting arrest, and obstruction of justice.

Notable Life Moments - In 2018, Brown revealed a new tattoo he got on his neck. It was a portrait of co-star Raven-Symoné Christina Pearman. That same year, he had a now-infamous interview on Dr Phil, where he claimed he was the son of Michael Jackson, saying his full name was Orlando Brown Prince Michael Jackson, Jr.

the suite life of zack & cody

(2005 – 2008)

The show that made living in an ordinary house look boring. The Suite Life of Zack & Cody won over a huge audience with its charismatic twin duo and the ceaseless range of activities that came as a result of living in a luxury hotel. It was so successful that the show could portray an adult, balding, and obviously insane janitor as a close friend to the two 12-year-old boys, and still, no one cared.

Cole Sprouse – Cole played Cody on the show and has since gone on to find fame playing Jughead Jones on Riverdale, a show about sexy adults that we’re supposed to believe are normal teenagers.

Noteworthy Life Details - Cole worked briefly in the field of archaeology. Once, while on an archaeological dig in Bulgaria, he unearthed a mask of Dionysus, who is the Greek god of wine and fertility, among other things.

Dylan Sprouse – Dylan stepped back from the TV limelight, having just appeared in a few artsy short films. He went on to study video game design, and in 2018 he cofounded ‘All-wise Meadery’* with a friend from college.

Noteworthy Life details – Dylan can be added to the long list of celebrities to have a leaked nude photo scandal. Photos emerged in 2013 of the then-21-year-old posing nude in a bathroom mirror, with his appendage on full display. Dylan was quick to confess that the photos were indeed of him, tweeting, “Whoops, guess I’m not 14 and fat anymore”. His brother also made light of the situation, saying, “@dylansprouse Cold in that bathroom, huh?” Which is only made funnier by the fact he is his identical twin brother and probably has a similar-sized appendage.

*A meadery is a mead brewery. Mead is an alcoholic beverage created by fermenting honey with water and sometimes with various fruits. Mead is ancient and was consumed thousands of years ago. It’s also making a huge comeback, and I’m calling it now that it’s about to be the next trendy beverage.

hannah montana icarly

(2006 – 2011)

Hannah Montana taught us that you truly can have the best of both worlds, as long as your dad is a famous country music singer and you have one straight, long-haired blonde wig. Watching the balancing act of living a life as an ordinary teenage girl during the day, and a famous pop star at night, enthralled audiences. Also, credit to Dolly Parton’s guest appearances for turning me into the very gay man that I am today.

Miley Cyrus – Well, I hardly need to say much about her! Post-HM, Cyrus has gone on to have incredible commercial success and global fame. Having released seven albums and appeared in multiple films and television shows

Noteworthy Life Details – Cyrus is no stranger to controversy. From pole dancing at the Teen Choice Awards to smoking salvia, to having sex with a giant inflatable penis on stage at the MTV Music Video Awards. Miley has done plenty to enrage middleaged members of the news media industry.

Emily Osment – Osment played the bubbly, somewhat dim-witted best friend, Lily. Like her co-star, Osment has gone onto have a music career; unlike her co-star, it has not been successful. Whilst none have quite met the same sensational heights as Hannah Montana, Osment still continues to feature on TV in various recurring roles.

Noteworthy Life Details – Unfortunately, for the sake of this article, Osment has not done anything particularly scandalous or dramatic. But it’s worth mentioning that in her younger years, she did feature in the cinematic masterpieces Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams and Spy Kids 3D: Game Over, which’s two-thirds of the world’s greatest film trilogy.

Mitchell Musso – Musso played Oliver, the goofy other best friend. Since Hannah Montana, he has been focussing on his music career, which is a polite way of saying he hasn’t done much.

Noteworthy Life Details – In 2011, the same year that Hannah Montana ended, Musso was pulled over and found to be intoxicated while driving. At the time, he was 20 years old, which is under the legal drinking age in the United States. The incident caused his character to be written out of an upcoming film and a show he hosted, PrankStars, to be cancelled. And may explain his still stale career.

(2007 – 2012)

The OG YouTuber, iCarly, should have been taken as a forewarning that the internet was about to be forever plagued by teenagers doing dumb shit on film. The show follows Carly, who, along with her best friends Sam and Freddy, record the iCarly web show. We watched as the show becomes an internet phenomenon, and they have to balance their newfound fame with being normal teenagers.

Miranda Cosgrove – The star of the show, Cosgrove has maintained some semblance of being a celebrity. She has been the voice of Margo in the Despicable Me series and currently hosts a show called Mission Unstoppable, a weekend morning show targeted at teenagers. She is about to star in a reboot of iCarly.

Noteworthy Life Details – Cosgrove has been the subject of many colourful but untrue rumours, including that she was dating Harry Styles (which I totally would’ve confirmed if I were her) and that she was arrested for prostitution.

Jennette McCurdy – McCurdy played Sam, Carly’s best friend and web show cohost. Immediately after iCarly, McCurdy starred in the crossover show Sam & Cat, alongside Victorious’ Ariana Grande. In 2020 she starred in her own tragicomedy one-woman show, I’m Glad My Mom Died, but it was cancelled due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

Noteworthy Life Details – Since parting ways with Nickelodeon in 2015, McCurdy has on numerous occasions essentially said ‘fuck you’ (but in nicer words) to the organisation, garnering some attention in the process. In March of this year, she announced she was not returning to the iCarly reboot and expressed that she doubts she’ll act again.

Nathan Kress – Kress played the geeky but lovable Freddie on iCarly. In the nine years since iCarly finished, Kress has been busy getting married, having children, and fading into obscurity. But given his devout evangelical Christian beliefs, I’m willing to bet he’s in heaps of that Christian programming that you only see if you’re a devout Christian yourself.

Noteworthy Life Details – It would be wrong if I didn’t mention Kress’ MAJOR glow up. He transformed from ‘Freddie - the geek behind the camera’ to ‘Ooooh daddy - please get in front of the camera and take your clothes off’.

victorious

(2010 – 2013)

Based at Hollywood Arts High School, in a world where people have pear-shaped cell phones. Victorious followed the life of Tori Vega and her weird collection of friends. All aspiring actors and entertainers, Tori and her six friends get into crazy theatre-andperformance-related situations each episode. With their very bizarre mix of teachers, who probably shouldn’t be qualified, often exacerbating their problems.

Victoria Justice – Justice has kept busy filling her time with short and/or oneoff TV appearances and forgettable films. Like many on this list, Justice has also had dreams of musical success and has released some singles on her YouTube channel. She is also very philanthropic and does lots of charity work.

Noteworthy Life Details – There’s nothing particularly interesting or scandalous about her out in the infosphere. But she is recorded as having described herself as a “jeans fanatic”, which is about as sad as it is true.

Leon Thomas III – Thomas plays Tori’s musically-minded best friend, Andre. Much like his character, Thomas is passionate about music and has spent his time since Victorious working in the music industry. He is one half of the production duo The Rascals, who have collaborated on albums with many well-known artists.

Noteworthy Life Details – None.

Ariana Grande-Butera – The undeniable breakout star of Victorious, Grande-Butera played a concerningly stupid friend of Tori’s, called Cat. Known by her shorter stage name of Ariana Grande, she is currently one of pop music’s biggest stars. Among her many measurements of success, Grande has over 200 million Instagram followers, 20 Guinness World Records, and 2 Grammy Awards.

Noteworthy Life Details – Ariana has made headlines for all sorts of things in recent years. A personal favourite of mine was the donut shop controversy in 2015 when a video was released where Grande can be heard saying, “I hate America”. Same babe, same.

sticky tv

(2002 – 2017)

Our local entry into this piece of hard-hitting journalism. Sticky TV was an after-school viewing staple for many kiwi children over its 15 years on our screens. In true kiwi style, the Sticky TV set was just a couch that would appear in a different random location, often a park, each episode. A TV set during the day, a place for teens to smoke gats during the night… ahhh, New Zealand.

Sam Wallace - Wallace was a presenter on Sticky TV from 2003 until 2011. After ending his stint on the show, he moved over to TV 1’s Breakfast, where we learnt that children’s television doesn’t necessarily make you a good weatherman or reporter. He is now on a host Coast Radio’s morning show.

Noteworthy Life Moments - In 2019, Wallace won Celebrity Treasure Island, much to the delight of the four people who watched the show.

Erin Simpson - Simpson was a mammoth of New Zealand children’s programming, featuring as a host on What Now, Sticky TV, and her own show, The Erin Simpson Show. These days, Simpson has resorted to the lifestyle of being an influencer and is the artist of “a stunning range of home decor and bespoke prints”, according to her own website.

Noteworthy Life Details - In 2019, Simpson became one half of New Zealand’s latest power couple when she married Zac Franich, The Bachelor NZ’s season 3 Bachelor. Last year, an image resurfaced of some art Simpson had made in 2016, which featured traditional Tā moko facial tattoos painted on a sculpture of a monkey. Eventually, she apologised for the racially insensitive art piece.

Drew Neemia - That’s right, New Zealand’s greatest pop star and TV personality was on Sticky TV. From 2006 until 2009, Neemia was a host of Sticky TV before becoming a co-host of Drew and Shannon Live on C4 (later rebranded to Four). While on Drew and Shannon Live, Neemia interviewed a range of celebrities. Most famous (or infamous) of all was his interview with Justin Bieber, where Bieber appears to have never heard of the German language (as bizarre as this sounds, it actually happened and can be viewed on YouTube). Neemia’s current whereabouts and lifestyle is mysteriously unknown. In 2016, a friend of mine witnessed him exiting a cannabis dispensary in Canada (Ontario, I think). A Stuff investigation in 2019 reported that he was now dedicating his life to martial arts. A private Instagram account I have requested to follow that appears to belong to Neemia has “Financial Advisor” stated in his bio.

Noteworthy Life Details - His whole life is noteworthy. He is a New Zealand deity.

Well, that’s it. I know there are a lot more shows I should have covered, but this has already taken up enough pages. Plus, finding out your childhood role models have, more often than not, gone on to live quite mundane lives is soul-destroying.

Flat Famous

JESSE:

Much like Jesse’s green plants, he is a strong advocate for the Green Party. His pure façade is disrupted at the bottom of a Cleanskin, which you will often find him chugging most weekends. Despite being a vegetarian, heavy consumption of alcohol can often lead to a devoured pack of chicken nuggets. Do not believe him when claiming that it is ‘tofu’.

Street Cred: 4/10

Quirkiness: 7/10

Mysteriousness: 10/10

AGLAIA:

When Aglaia is not chugging on the vape around her neck, she can be found making prolific sounds whilst listening to obscure music within the deep catacombs of her master bedroom. She has a love hate relationship with spicy food which inevitably results in her downfall. “Black pepper? No thank you.”

Street Cred: 8/10

Quirkiness: 7/10

Mysteriousness: 3/10

CALLUM:

The mythical man, Callum, is only spotted in the early hours of the morning, or the deepest, darkest, hours of the evening. A self-professed workaholic, his other flatmates question his whereabouts for 23 hours of the day. His schedule supposedly consists of phone calls, chess, and coffee, but the untouched Special Blend in the cabinet suggests otherwise. Checkmate!

Street Cred: 9/10

Quirkiness: 3/10

Mysteriousness: 5/10

By Emily Heyward (she/her)

I’ve been staring at a blank document for about 45 minutes now, willing my brain to string a sentence together. Elegantly would be nice too, but at this point, beggars can’t be choosers.

I decide to Google “childhood memories” because apparently, my fully formed adult brain is incapable of recalling anything worth noting on its own.

And here’s where you are probably wondering, “So, what exactly is her issue with the internet?” And yes, dear reader, I thought it would have solved all my problems too. Instead, it has sent me into an existential crisis, and I don’t know who I am anymore because apparently, WE CAN’T TRUST OUR MEMORIES.

According to a BBC article … (the second result when you Google “childhood memories”) ... researchers state that about four out of every 10 of us have completely fabricated the moments we ‘remember’ from the first years of our lives.

The scientists say that memories of events that happened before the age of two, like chilling in a pram, are probably not real because our brains don’t develop the ability to store autobiographical memories until we’re at least two years old.

One psychologist at University College London suggests our memories are so unreliable that it is possible to convince people they have committed a crime that never happened. And

she believes anybody can form false memories in the right circumstances.

Now, look. I love learning things. But sometimes my brain can only process so much in a given day, and today friends, it just wanted simplicity; a nicely packaged list of easily digestible childhood memories, not a total mind-fuck. Thanks internet.

God, I miss that about childhood. Simplicity. The days before the internet. Where if you got shampoo in your eyes, you would just have to wait and see whether it would leave you permanently blind. We are constantly being bombarded with new information; sometimes, I just don’t want to know whether I’m going to lose my eyesight. I’m overwhelmed enough as it is.

I miss the pre-internet buzz of hyping your school mates up as they would go and ask your crush out for you; stalking them on social media really doesn’t generate the same thrill. I miss trading shitty Christmas cards with classmates you barely spoke to that said nothing yet meant more than a ‘Christmas wishes from mine to yours’ post. I miss going out and not feeling compelled to ‘prove’ to people that I’m living my best life, or whatever the fuck that means.

But then again, maybe I don’t miss any of those things. I probably just made it all up. Thanks for that, internet.

Not having the internet. That’s it. That’s the list.

Ella Gibson (she/her)

“The good ol’ days”, you would have heard that narrative spelt out to you since you were a youngster. Your parents, your grandparents, or just anyone older than you would most likely partake in regular reminiscing of “the good ol’ days”, and you would be forced to listen to how good life used to be; as if you could ever relate and therefore have to sit there in awkward suffering until they decide to conclude their reminiscing. “The good ol’ days” is a prime example of what we all know as nostalgia.

Nostalgia is the sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past. Fun fact, there are two distinct types of nostalgia: personal and historical. Personal nostalgia is categorised as the yearning for one’s own past, and historical nostalgia is categorised as the yearning for a time in the past that you have not actually experienced. For example, I yearn to have been a part of the ‘go-go 1960s’ and the ‘flower power 1970s’, yet I subconsciously sugarcoat the distasteful nature of the increased discrimination, racism, and sexism of those times. Why do some people love looking back? Why do others detest reminiscing? And what cognitive function does nostalgia play, if any at all?

Nostalgia is typically viewed through a warm sepia lens that encapsulates moments cached away in the past. Figments of one’s memory are stored in this nostalgic realm, ready for retrieval at any moment. Research on nostalgia has shown that the majority of people who engage in nostalgic activity do so when they are feeling low in an attempt to boost their mood and self-confidence. This is primarily due to nostalgia being felt positively. The effect of nostalgia boosts one’s mood and one’s sense of meaning in life, which therefore raises self-esteem and optimism for the future. By rekindling your past, you will be able to unite with your sense of who you are, yourself, and your

identity over time. Ultimately, the uniting with your authentic self can reiterate the notion of how far you have come and your growth.

Before grandiose life changes or transitions, uncertainty naturally occurs. Licensed psychologist Dr Krystime I. Batcho, who researches nostalgia, has found that “nostalgia helps remind us that we do have some control during a time of great uncertainty.” Batcho alludes to how during the COVID-19 pandemic, engaging in nostalgia can alleviate stresses, “even though we can’t control so much of what has been happening, we can remember how we dealt with crises before and survived them. Equally important, nostalgic memories remind us of those we love and who have loved us, which strengthens our sense that we are not in this alone”. Who would have thought that pausing and daydreaming about “the good ol’ days” would, in fact, facilitate feelings of calmness, warmth, and help curb loneliness? Well, there you go.

Nostalgia perfectly epitomises bittersweetness. It is sweet because you are reminiscing on some of the best times of your life, yet it is also bitter as you are admitting to the fact that you will never be able to live in those times again. Many loathe nostalgia because it can be seen as pointless. Why would you waste time looking back when the past does not exist? And that is perfectly reasonable. Our memories are also highly unreliable. Did you know that our brains can literally create false memories out of thin air? So nostalgic processes are almost always romanticised and idealised versions of what we want our pasts to be. Our memories are not always the most accurate, but if nostalgia can aid better moods, connect people, and unite our sense of selves, you be the judge of whether nostalgia serves you or not.

If you were born after 1990, you would definitely have a fair idea of the Blue’s Clues kids’ TV show. You will also have fond memories of Steve, the original host of Blue’s Clues.

Steve, played by (you guessed it) a guy named Steve Burns, first landed the role when he was 22, being the owner/friend to an animated dog named Blue. The show became so successful since its debut in 1996 that it became Nickelodeon’s highest-rated show at the time.

As the show went on through its later years, Steve was replaced by actor Donovan Patton who fitted in the storyline as Steve’s younger brother, Joe. It was included in the storyline that Joe was moving in to fill the role as the owner for Blue as Steve had moved to college. Such a change, however, then saw the last of Steve on screen for the show. So, what really happened to Steve after his stint with Blue’s Clues? For an actor who dominated much of my childhood life, it must be important to know what happened. I vaguely remember asking this question as it came up as a discussion between a few friends and me. They had seen a Facebook post that mentioned Steve passing away – you’ve heard the story, I’m sure -- which obviously did shock us. However, we later found out that he was still alive and well and was affiliated with the show even after leaving his role.

While we researched his whereabouts, we managed to pull up some interesting facts about Steve before he became the iconic Blue’s Clues host. Originally, Steve had no aspirations of becoming a character in a children’s show but rather a more serious actor. His involvement with Blue’s Clues did spiral him into major success as a celebrity in his own right. His acting calibre also stretches out to other genres with appearances in Law and Order (1998) and in an episode of Homicide: Life on the Street. So why did he leave Blue’s Clues?

Surprisingly enough, there is no dramatic reason or answer to his sudden departure. According to Steve, he just felt like his time had come and that he was getting too old for the show. His adult age seemed to be an awkward factor for him, especially

addressing an audience of young children. Alongside his old age, Burns started to lose hair and found that as a problem whilst being on cast on Blue’s Clues. I mean, let’s be honest, that would have been creepy if Steve had a bald patch while finding clues with an animated dog. Blue’s Clues would have really dropped as a show if that was the case. Even with his departure, Steve still remained as an icon within the universe of the show, as he appeared on merch and video games.

Regardless of his exit from the show, it is agreed that Steve Burns played a massive role in a lot of children’s lives growing up. His calm and quiet nature on-screen will always be remembered by many as it blessed many in the early hours of the morning on television. Thank you, Steve, for your committed work over the years!

Neueli Mauafu (he/him)

Ella Gibson (she/her)

Going to primary school in New Zealand during the early 2000s was a wild ride.

The time was characterised by a multitude of random and wacky things that were entirely idiosyncratic to New Zealand and its primary school experience. This article is a tiered list of all things that made Aotearoa’s early Naughties primary school experience so legendary.

The categories and rating system of the tiers go as follows: “Heads Down Thumbs DOWN” (nothing of exceptional notoriety or charisma), “Moshi Monsters Membership” (pretty damn good) and “Skux Deluxe” (the elitist of tiers). Disclaimer: I am aware that there may be some disagreements on how elite each aspect of the NZ primary school experience may be, but this is an entirely subjective view and up for debate if a placement enrages you.

“Heads

Down Thumbs DOWN”:

- Safari Wide Brim Hats: These hats weren’t just solely limited to their repulsive appearance, but also the way teachers would taunt you with the infamous saying “no hat no play” at lunchtime and morning tea if you forgot the delightful garment.

- Buddy Reading: I don’t think any student, young or old, was ever a fan of having to awkwardly read a picture book with a student that you did not know. 0/10, do not recommend.

- JOVI Crayons: These crayons genuinely made everyone’s pencil case. But were they not just notorious for breaking at any instant. Terrible.

- Bull Rush: Nothing scared me more than the possibility of being involved in a game of bull rush. If I played tackle rugby, maybe it would have been a different story.

- Le Snak: This cheddar cheese is the very reason why I went vegan.

- Rainbow Parachutes: When thought about, the concept of running underneath a massive colourful sheet is honestly so bizarre.

“Moshi Monsters Membership”:

- School Singing: The epitome of primary school in Aotearoa is the singing that took place. Hits like “Fish n Chips” and “Kiwi Kids” will forever be legendary. However, because of their cult-like essence, they do not make the “Skux Deluxe” tier.

- School Patrol: I will forever be salty that I never got the opportunity to engage in school patrolling. But nevertheless, “signs out, check, clear, cross now” is a phrase forever unfortunately ingrained in my memory.

- Smiggle: Only the real ones would be kitted out with Smiggle stationary. Nothing slapped more than the ice cream erasers. But again, because of the obsessive and exclusive cult-like nature of Smiggle, it does not make the “Skux Deluxe” cut.

- Playdates After School: How good was having a primo day with the besties at school and then afterwards running up to your caregiver that was there to pick you up and asking them for a playdate? Nothing compares.

- The Dentist Van: Did you or did you not feel superior to your peers when you were exempted from class to go into the dentist van?

- Plastic Yellow Cricket Bats: Primary school PE would not have been the same without the presence of these illustrious pieces of plastics: iconic.

“Skux Deluxe”:

- Jump Jam: There was no way that Jump Jam was not going to make the “Skux Deluxe” tier. Jump Jam may have haunted you, but nevertheless, it epitomised the NZ primary school experience.

- Juicies & Moosies: Fridays would only be complete with Juicies and Moosies being a part of the party. I must declare, the Bubblegum Moosie is the elite primary school desert.

- Harold The Giraffe: The carpeted van walls, the lady cut in half so you could see her organs, and the terrible puppet that was Harold was the highlight of all the primary school experiences. Fight me if you beg to differ.

- Infamous ‘S’ Drawing: If this Superman S was not plastered on your desks, pencil cases and everything in between, did you really go to primary school in NZ?

- Poptropica, Moshi Monsters & Club Penguin: Could anything ever beat jumping on board the Poptropica balloon, getting a new moshling on Moshi Monsters or making a deluxe pizza on Club Penguin? I’ll wait…

- Certificates In Assembly: The honour of receiving a sticker-engrossed A5 sheet of paper awarding your participation made you feel like a proper boss.

Art By Christina Gera

By: Ella Somers (she/her)

For some kids, the love of volcanoes starts and stops at the baking soda, vinegar, and a ridiculous amount of food colouring stage. For others, the call of all thing’s lava, eruptions, and volcanic rock lead them to take that passion for volcanoes a step further and make volcanology their career.

Enter Professor Ben Kennedy, a Professor in Physical Volcanology who’s been teaching at UC for the last twelve years. He’s visited between 50 and 100 volcanoes all over the world throughout his career, won numerous teaching awards, and, most importantly, knows the secret to making a great volcano at home.

For Ben, growing up on the South Coast of England doesn’t provide much of an opportunity to explore volcanoes. “I was more of a dinosaur, fossil nerd as a kid,” Ben said. “I had an uncle who was a geologist, so he used to take me out looking for fossils.” That interest in fossils led him to study geology at university. It wasn’t until he visited Chile while at university and climbed a volcano there that he realised that what he really wanted to do was work with volcanoes. “The reality is,” Ben said, “volcanoes are way cooler than fossils because of lava.”

After Chile, Ben had a “kind of” gap year. “I travelled through South America and had lots of fun around the world, and climbed a bunch of volcanoes,” he said. While travelling, he was also applying for grad schools and eventually got accepted to study volcanology in Montreal, Canada. From there, Ben did his Masters, PHD and a couple of postdocs before coming to New Zealand for a job at UC.

Ben describes his job at UC as a “dream job” for any volcanologist. “All volcanologists know New Zealand as an awesome place for volcanoes, a place where it actually matters to study volcanoes,” he said. “In New Zealand, you’re talking to GNS Science, and they’re monitoring volcanoes and issuing alerts, and you can actually see the research doing something.”

Ben has been to most of the volcanoes in New Zealand, apart from Tuhua (Mayor Island) and Moutohorā (Whale Island). He’s done extensive research on Whakaari (White Island) and, more recently, Mount Ruapehu.

His favourite part of being a volcanologist is going out in the field. “I love hiking around volcanoes, and I think the landscape is spectacular, and you have an awesome connection to the environment.” He’s also a self-confessed “sucker” for an erupting volcano. “I’ve scooped moving lava flow with a spade in Hawaii which was pretty fun,” he said.

Ben describes volcanology as something that’s “got a little bit of everything” involved in it. “There’s a little bit of the outdoors, adventure stuff; there’s nerdy lab stuff, there’s computer model stuff, there’s really applied hazard and risk stuff,” he said. “I think there is something for everyone, and I think a lot of the skills you might learn from doing a Masters in Volcanology, even if you don’t become a volcanologist, are going to be super useful in whatever you do.”

Ben has won numerous teaching awards as well as the University of Canterbury Teaching Medal in 2019, and all his accolades mention his passion for what he does through his teaching. “You know, you can use tools that work but be incredibly unmotivating, and you can be really song and dancy and get great reviews, but actually your students aren’t learning anything,” Ben said. “I think it’s the combination of being quite fun and entertaining and motivating while using tools that actually work; I think that’s what’s successful,” he said.

Ben has a strong interest in digital storytelling, and whenever he’s out in the field, he brings a 360 camera with him. “I’m one of those guys with the selfie stick that looks like a tool,” he laughed. He tries to film a lot of things in the field so he can bring that field experience into the classroom.

Asked for advice on what’s the secret to making a great volcano at home, Ben said that “red food colouring is probably the key ingredient to get the most entertainment.” He also recommends for a bit of fun, mixing “yeast, a bit of sugar, a bit of flour and loads of red food colouring. Then you can build a volcano out of flour and put this gooey mess inside it. It starts leaking out everywhere, and you get a nice red lava flow.”

First steps to radio play

New Zealand is lucky to have more radio stations per capita than anywhere else in the world. Among them is a handful of alternative radio stations that form the Student Radio Network (SRN). These alternative radio stations, including Ōtautahi’s own, RDU 98.5FM, champion difference and diversity, welcoming new grassroots artists to the airwaves.

Many Kiwi artists had their first airplay across the network, Fat Freddy’s Drop, Shapeshifter, Ladi6, Marlon Williams, Aldous Harding and many more… Want to follow in their footsteps? The crew at RDU 98.5FM have put together some top tips for getting your music on air!

Identify your most suitable song for student radio play.

Email all the SRN stations music departments at the same time.

Use the subject line: NZ Artist (insert artist name here). This will help it stand out as a Kiwi artist.

Don’t message the stations on social media.

Be polite and follow up; programmers get hundreds of song submissions each week, but it never hurts to send a follow-up email.

Don’t be disappointed if you don’t get a reply.

Keep an eye on each station’s Top 10 and look out for the SRN Top 10.

Introducing the 2021 RDU 98.5FM playlist curators.

The team at RDU 98.5FM do things a little bit differently. A crew of five local music enthusiasts are tasked with choosing new and interesting music for the playlist rotation from the tunes submitted to the inbox! Meet your 2021 selectors!

Becca Barclay

“Ōtautahi has some of NZs best producers, world-class gigs, and our community is SICK!

Hannah Powell

“It’s awesome to see so many Christchurch artists out and about, doing it all with a DIY sound.”

Jamie Stratton

“I love the camaraderie and sense of loving community in Christchurch. It’s inspirational to see your peers killing it and creating awesome music.”

Leila Flood

“I love seeing the Christchurch scene take off the way it has.

Ōtautahi seems to be a breeding ground for immense talent. Absolute class.”

Lewis Hoban

“My love for local music is what drives me to be a part of the RDU 98.5FM community. We’ve got some of the best, right here in our backyard.”

For more information on how to submit music correctly, visit rdu.org.nz/music

Gig Guide

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THE RADDLERS AT ROLLICKIN!

THURSDAY, 29 APRIL 2021

PNW 001:

EBB, PERCY, DESERT WASP, FREEMAN, TEXTURE B2B ULTRAVIOLET

FRIDAY, APRIL 30, 2021

JUST ANOTHER JUNE // MADELEINE HOWARD // HANNAH AND THE BAND @DARKROOM

FRIDAY, APRIL 30, 2021

ESTÈRE: CHRISTCHURCH/ LYTTELTON

TEAM DYNAMITE: RESPECT THE PROCESS ALBUM TOUR CHRISTCHURCH

SATURDAY, MAY 1, 2021

THURSDAY, 6 MAY 2021

THE m'nd sandwich

Lucky Dip is the longest running segment in CANTA. Each issue, we set two people up on a blind date and they record their experiences. These anecdotes are as they come; unedited.

WANT TO GO ON A BLIND DATE FOR LUCKY DIP? APPLY FOR LUCKY DIP ON OUR WEBSITE

dipper one

The sun was shining, the wind wasn’t too wild, the temperature was hot but not too hot. It was a good day to fulfil my dream of doing Lucky Dip! Although he didn’t ask, I had given the organiser of Lucky Dip a number of specifications of what I wanted my date to be like. So I sat in the luxurious sun with baited breath, hoping that my knight in shining armour was about to sit opposite me. What sat opposite me wasn’t a knight, but a god. His hair was longer than mine, and had better sheen than mine.

His skin, flawless. His arms, massive. Honestly, I think I just stared at him drooling for the first minute. I fumbled over words, eventually I was able to actually say hello. “Hey, how are you” he said back in a deliciously deep voice. Omg is this what love feels like? We started chatting away, and I would just keep getting lost in his eyes. Okay this was getting ridiculous, this man was the complete full package – was there any flaws to him? Ahhh yes, turns out there was.

He was not smart. I am so sorry dude if you’re reading this, but please, for your own sake, read a book. He was currently on his third degree, I mean third attempt at a degree. But that’s okay, we don’t all need to be book smart. It then came time to order pizza, I’m vegetarian I clarified with him. “oh so I probably shouldn’t mention that I go hunting sometimes” was his response.

Whilst I DETEST hunting, I was weirdly charmed by the fact he was just bluntly honest about it. We compromised and just got two types of pizza (honestly I don’t know why he couldn’t have just skipped his meat intake this one time but whatever). We ate, we kept yarning, we exchanged some laughs but what ultimately started with a knight in shining armour ended with a jester in shining armour. But regardless of everything he was still super hot, and I lived fairly close, so I took him home and we did the bedroom tango.

Dipper two

I was excited for my date I hadn’t gone on a proper one in a while. My date was cool and she was really smart. Liked books a lot. We didn’t have a lot in common but she was nice to talk to. She didn’t look very happy when I told her I liked to go hunting haha but she didn’t ditch me so it wasn’t to bad. The pizza was nice. I think she liked the date because we talked and laughed a lot. After the date we went back to hers and I gave her the goods more than once.

Don’t worry she told me I could write that haha

Howoscopes

ARIES

You’re a big smelly bum.

TAURUS

I’m telling the teacher on you.

GEMINI

I can beat you in a running race.

CANCER

Yo mamma is so ugly; when she tried to join an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals”.

LEO

I’m smarter than you, times infinity.

VIRGO

You are boring, and you have stinky feet.

LIBRA

Get off your ass and move.

SCORPIO

I know you are, but what am I?

SAGITTARIUS

You’re so dumb. You’re not even a moron. You’re a moroff!

CAPRICORN

You’re a poo poo head.

AQUARIUS

Why does your face look so much like a butt?

PISCES

Whoever smelt it dealt it.