CANTA ISSUE 11, 2021

EDITORIAL

This is our penultimate (it means second-to-last, for any Lincoln students reading) magazine for the year, and bloody hell, I can’t believe it. Despite the weeks rapidly getting away from us, I’m delighted that we’ve made it to a theme very close to my heart, making it a thrill to put together this issue.

When I think of memories, many of my fondest are associated with food – from 2-minute noodles prepared in a post-Mono drunken stupor to a post-sex cheeseburger (don’t worry, I did this only like three times). Whatever the associated phantom taste memory, all hold a special place in my heart and stomach.

It turns out food is pretty important to other people, too. Not just me. That’s why we put together this food issue of CANTA.

Throughout this edition, you will be served a platter of fabulous stories – from death row meals to an inappropriate obsession with sweet and sour pork. We also track down some recipes that have aged in a questionable manner and rate iconic foods of your childhood.

You’ll be gooped, gagged, and downright fascinated by the fact that we were actually able to fill a magazine with this much food content – I know I am. You’ll also feel like fish and chips after reading this.

On another note – we’re still in the middle of a pandemic. Sanitise your hands, scan in with the QR code, get vaccinated (if you want, but like, do, though. I mean it), wash your face, and eat your greens.

Yours in deliciousness,

Liam Stretch

Managing Editor

Liam Donnelly

Print Editor

Liam Stretch

News Editor

- editor@canta.co.nz

- print@canta.co.nz

Emily Heyward

Designer

Conor Jones

Feature Writers

Neueli Mauafu

Lily Mirfin

Ella Gibson

Ella Somers

Contributors

Kim Fowler

Rev. Dr John Fox

Jane Halliday

Digital Editor

Pearl Cardwell-Massie

Audio Editor

Asher Etherington

Video Creative Director

MaCaulay Quinn

Want

President ' s piece

By Kim Fowler (they/them)

Kia ora koutou,

I want to start with a big shout out to you all – starting back at uni during level 2 is tough, and that’s even worse during delta level 2! I think we’ve done well so far at working with the restrictions, which is awesome as it keeps everyone safe. Remember to keep masking up.

Recently, your Student Exec has been working on a few things. A big one is that we’re advocating for a bus discount for all tertiary students in Canterbury. The vote’s nearly here – Environment Canterbury are likely to vote on us having a discount by the time this magazine is released. It’s pretty hard to tell if this will get across the line, so we’re trying to show that the broader community will support this, too, via a petition. You can find this on our Facebook page, so please sign now!

We’re also working on collecting feedback on the social space in Haere-roa, so thank you to everyone who inputted into that. Jen will put it together and action the feedback.

UCSA has quite a few things coming up (and we’re navigating all the new COVID-19 rules that go with them). As well as

being awards season, Tea Party is nearly here, so hopefully, you managed to snag a ticket, and you’re already planning your costume. If we don’t make it to level 1, then there will be refunds for Tea Party tickets.

Reminder to get you vaccine before we head into these big events – it helps keep us all well (bookmyvaccine.nz).

It’s been so nice to see the weather warming up recently, and with the level 2 gathering restrictions expanding to 100 people, I imagine a bunch of you will be planning parties.

I recently registered a party with Good One (Goodone.org.nz), and Police at the time told me about the liquor ban in the area. I had no idea the fine was $250?! For some reason, in my mind, it was smaller than that. Anyway, please remember that there’s a liquor ban and be careful with your open vessels in our zone. If you’re planning a party, register it with Good One, and watch out for your mates – make sure they eat food and drink water!

All the best with the rest of the semester and year!

Kim

MOULD FORCES STAFF OUT OF NEW BUILDING

By Emily Heyward (she/her)

College of Science staff have been relocated from part of the newly built Beatrice Tinsley after mould was discovered at unsafe levels.

Documents leaked to CANTA showed that mould spores on levels three and four of the two-year-old building were “above what is considered safe”.

In an email to staff, postgrads, and visitors and associates of the college, the situation was described as “not good”, with email recipients being told that the issue needed “to be addressed before the building can be reoccupied”.

They were also advised that information from an independent report, detailing potential health impacts and recommendations was not for “wider circulation”.

The report found that the mould spores on levels three and four were allergenic but non-toxic and said that the area should remain unoccupied until either the spores were reduced, or the mould had been properly located and removed.

Mould spores were also detected on level two of Beatrice Tinsley but were at “safe levels”.

In a statement issued to CANTA, University of Canterbury’s executive director of people, culture and campus Paul O’Flaherty said the mould growth was concerning, with the building only being officially opened in October 2019.

A specialist team had been set up to investigate how and why there was mould in the new building.

“The Facilities Management team is working with the building designers and contractors to physically access and investigate specific details in the building and undertake further air sample testing to understand more from the initial findings,” O’Flaherty said.

UC was alerted to the elevated levels of ‘airborne penicillium and/or aspergillus’ (mould which can cause hay fever and irritation) on August 13 and made the decision to have staff on levels three and four pack up their essential belongings and leave their offices by 8pm that day, O’Flaherty said.

He said staff who had underlying health conditions or were worried about their health were advised to seek medical treatment.

In response to questions about why the wider UC community was not made aware of the mould and subsequent closure of the two floors, O’Flaherty said the people directly impacted were informed.

“The College of Science staff members who needed to shift their offices were contacted immediately upon receiving the initial test results verbally, and all College of Science staff have been informed and regularly updated.”

Staff were now working either from home or in available space in the west building of the science precinct. Levels one and two of the building were safe to occupy, he said.

Establishing the cause of the mould spores was expected to take some time.

PETITION FOR UCSA STAFF TO EARN LIVING WAGE

By Emily Heyward (she/her)

A petition calling for UCSA staff to be paid the living wage has been handed over to the student executive committee for consideration.

The change.org petition, which garnered more than 560 signatures, was presented to the exec at its fortnightly meeting earlier this month in a bid to see staff employed by the UCSA “paid a respectful wage”.

Law student Finn Jackson, who created the petition, said the students’ association should be leading the charge when it came to paying their staff a fair wage.

“Historically, students’ associations, they have been kind of social leaders, right? They led the fight for gay rights, women’s rights and so on and so forth. It feels like another area where actually we should be hopping on board,” he said.

Jackson said the UCSA was “lagging behind a little bit”, with the likes of Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association and some city councils among more than 270 fully accredited living wage employers.

He wanted the UCSA to pay the living wage “to all direct employees as a first step” and then seek accreditation as a living wage employer from the Living Wage Movement.

“I was raised to always be polite and kind to service staff, say please, thank you, how’s your day, all that kind of jazz and it just feels like being polite on the face of things is all well and good but if you’re not actually giving people what they need to live on, if they are struggling while performing their job, that’s just not fair,” Jackson said.

Among those expressing support for staff employed by the UCSA to be paid a living wage was a Green Party press secretary (and UC alumni), and Living Wage Aotearoa.

The living wage rose to $22.75 an hour on September 1; the same day the government increased minimum wage to $20 an hour.

Earlier this year, Te Akatoki tumuaki Rosa Hibbert-Schooner resigned from her position on the student exec over major pay disparities, which saw her earn two-thirds less than general executive members despite doing the same amount of work.

UCSA president Kim Fowler said in a statement that the exec planned to consider the implications for students and collect feedback from them before deciding whether to pay its staff a living wage.

TEA PARTY LINE-UP ANNOUNCED, MUSICIANS INCLUDED APPARENTLY

The UCSA has announced the line-up for the annual end of year celebration, Tea Party.

The highly anticipated line-up includes a who’s who of “who?”, leaving many people to wonder how Lincoln University’s Garden Party is always better.

OTTO’S CURLY FRIES PORTION SIZE CAUSES POTATO SHORTAGE

Otto, the University’s pizza outlet, is gaining a reputation for its absurdly generous portions of curly fries; however, this same reputation may prove to be its undoing.

The sheer volume of potatoes required to meet the demand is reportedly more than can actually be provided, with New Zealand’s potato stock now completely depleted.

“This certainly was not our intention; we meant no harm by our portion sizes. We just thought you’d like us more,” said a UCSA spokesperson.

Martial law is being implemented throughout the nation, as Kiwis brace for life without access to KFC potato & gravy.

Despite the unseasoned line-up, many students were left undeterred, “we’ll just take their word for it that these are musicians,” said one eager student.

Tea Party remains the final stalwart of student connection that the UCSA possesses, with many admiring the UCSA’s firm determination to not improve or change their events in any way.

CANTA LAUNCHES PETITION TO RENAME ALL BUSES TO ‘BUSSYS’

Following Prime Minister Ardern’s insistence that a vaccination bus would not be called ‘Bussy McBusface’, CANTA has started a petition to get all buses renamed to ‘bussys’.

Inspired by the term meaning ‘butt pussy’, CANTA believes calling buses ‘bussys’ will encourage more use of them.

It comes at an appropriate time, with the UCSA promoting the discussion of free busses for students.

If you support the renaming of the ‘bus’ to the ‘bussy’, please visit www.bigbussy.com.

“Butt pussies are the backbone of modern society” - Sir John Key

By Reverend Dr John Fox

SOUL FOOD

Isolating solo, as I have done in both lockdowns, tends to make me eat. I have time to try new recipes (although not the ones by celebrity chefs that begin with “buy five kilos of sundried tomatoes from the Italian deli”), cook for family (even if we have to eat 2 metres apart on the veranda), and fill up the pastoral care fridge in my parish for the poor.

Beef rendang, shepherd’s pie, bread and butter pudding, roast chicken with slaw, homemade bread with homemade jam; I’m hungry now, where was I?

Food is the currency of community: I cook for people I love. And when we sit at the same table, we are literally com-panions, people who share bread. As any grandma with family recipes will tell you, food is a gift, and food is a sign of love. Christian people believe this so much that the holiest and biggest thing we’ve got is to gather around the Table and share bread and wine as Jesus did at the Last Supper: we give God bread and wine, and He gives it back in “Holy Communion”: the meal which sticks us together, and where God is present at the Table with us.

God likes His stuff: bread, wine, oil, dirt, water. They’re all used in worship (and not only by Christians) as signs that God is doing things: feeding the souls that come to Him (bread), washing us clean of our brokenness (water), healing and repairing us (oil). Christians believe that in Jesus, God has come to be with us, that

Jesus shows us God knowable and loveable, God with human skin on. Jesus had a home town, and a mother, and best friends, and He lived among us as a tradie – at the same time, human, and unimaginably, God in human flesh. That means that for us human beings are blessed: we matter to the God who came to be with us, to be one of us. It means human stuff is blessed, that even shepherd’s pie and slaw speaks to us of the Great Big Gift and the Great Big Delight that feeds our bodies and our souls. For us, creativity, gift, and hospitality of food point upwards –as everything in this life does – to the God who made all three and welcomed us, the whole world, to the Table. The food of the body will feed you today. But the food of the soul: meaning, purpose, grace, and gift, those feed you forever.

Department of Spiritual Engineering

Mobile: 0272868349

Office: Jane Soons (Geography) 404.

John Fox: john.fox@canterbury.ac.nz

Jane Halliday: jane.halliday@canterbury.ac.nz

INGREDIENTS:

• Packet of pasta - I like Diamond Boccoli because its curls look fancy but Penne pasta also works well. Or macaroni.

• Some kind of chicken. Either a pre roasted hot chicken from the supermarket or a chicken breast or two.

• Powdered chicken stock.

• Can of evaporated milk (or a bottle of cream!)

• Couple of broccoli – cut up into little florets.

• Packet of baby spinach.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Cook the pasta in a large saucepan. When it is half-cooked, add the broccoli.

If using fresh chicken – dice or slice thinly and lightly cook with a bit of oil. Try not to overcook it. Add a teaspoon of stock to the pan as you are cooking the chicken. When the chicken is white, add the can of evaporated milk. Stir gently to heat through and simmer. Do not boil.

If using a pre-roasted chicken, just remove the chicken in bits and slightly shred it. Put into fry pan with teaspoon of stock and evaporated milk and heat through.

Drain the pasta and boccoli. Put back in big pan and add the fry pan ingredients. Mix through with the packet of spinach. Serve.

You can add anything to this dish: avocado, cooked mushrooms, freshly cut basil, feta.

Recipe from Jane Halliday

Jax Hamilton is an all-round fabulous human being. Coming to fame via MasterChef New Zealand, Jax also took to our screens as a representative for Progressive Foods and she has also been a best-selling cookbook author. Liam Stretch had a quick chat to the icon.

For those aloof, who are you?

I am Iron (wo)Man!

If you were to have 2-minute noodles, what flavour would you have?

The spicier the better.

Have you been able to go near macarons since ‘the incident’?*

I still have a box kidnapped under my bed, awaiting ransom. Along with tofu and a few jars of marmite.

Where’s your favourite spot to eat?

Outside, by the ocean, alone.

Guilty food pleasures? Do you have them? What are they?

Popcorn popped in bacon fat. A platter of cheese and crackers, without the crackers. Any seasonal vegetable.

Who has inspired you in food?

My auntie Monica, who would cook, tell stories and dance at the same time. She was such an entertainer. The food was all the better because of her yarns.

Who has inspired you in life?

Anyone who has risen and achieved their dreams regardless of adversity. Or all who have continued to shine despite the majority trying to dim their light. Maya Angelou, Nina Simone, Dave Chappell. Muhammed Ali, Edward Lear, Chadwick Boseman, Cormac McCarthy.

If you’re feeling down, what do you eat?

Bread dunked in Cental Otago, Pinot Noir.

What’s one thing all students should be eating?

Plenty of vegetables, seasonal where possible. There’s no reason why every student doesn’t have a small herb garden, tub, or pot. Instant flavour.

Do you believe the myths about food aphrodisiacs?

Fancy sharing a platter of oysters, figs, strawberries, watermelon, artichokes, chocolate, and red ginseng, all for qualitative purposes, of course? Then we can dispel the myths together.

Where can we see more of you?

Jax Food Hax on Tik Tok, I have 2.1 million audience and loads of funny, entertaining, inspiring foodie content. Plus, I’m the Food Editor of Avenues magazine.

Tomato sauce or ketchup?

I don’t speak ‘condiment’.

*The ‘incident’ here is the final of MasterChef New Zealand where Jax’s macaron tower fell down.

By Neueli Mauafu

There is nothing more satisfying than a good old scoop of hot chips from your local Fish and Chip joint. Lucky enough for us, Christchurch is the home of probably some of the best spots in New Zealand (feel free to argue with me). If you are a bit sceptical still on where to score yourself some greasy goodness around Ōtautahi, here is the inside scoop on my three go-to fish and chips gems.

CAPTAIN BEN’S

4 Rountree Street, Upper Riccarton (03) 348 7076

You can’t go wrong with the good old Captain. Situated on the corner of Rountree Street and Ilam Road, Captain Ben’s has been dubbed as a home away from home for many students. Its direct location makes it an easy walk from campus after a long day of classes. There are many times I have resulted to Captain Ben’s for a quick feed after being generally confused in a lecture. Captain Ben’s has your normal fish and chips menu – ranging from the basic picks such as fish, hot dogs, burgers, and chips. On the flip side, if you’re in the feeling for something extravagant, they also have hot dishes such as sweet and sour, stir fry, fried rice, and other tasty options.

MUST HAVE: Chicken burger combo (one chicken burger, one scoop of chips, and a drink).

The chicken portion is incredibly massive, as it hangs out of the buns as you manoeuvre around eating it. Always make sure to buy extra tomato sauces and mayonnaise sachets that are placed on the counter. If you’re lucky enough, they’ll give it to you for free!

Make sure to open the paper that wraps the fries from the top and use it as ventilation to blow for cooling.

(he/him)

BIG GARY’S

315 Pages Road, Aranui (03) 382 9173

You can’t talk about fish and chips without giving the eastern suburbs of Christchurch a mention. It is home to some quality hidden gems, including this iconic place Big Gary’s – not to be confused with the Riccarton one. Nestled in the deep ends of Aranui, Big Gary’s has become a household name within the suburb and area. Locals of the iconic place share so many stories and memories of growing up with Big Gary’s. With its reputation and the name it has made for itself, the food quality also has the goods to back it up. If you have some time on an afternoon, take a wee drive down to Aranui and see for yourself.

MUST HAVE: Hotdogs AKA The Big Dog

Big Gary’s excels in many sections of the fish and chips game, but the big dog is the real crowd-pleaser. What separates their hotdog from others is the batter they use to wrap the sausage. It reeks of grease and oil, but man, does it satisfy your soul. The portion and sizes of these hotdogs are huge, making sure that you are well satisfied with all that goodness – hands down, the best hotdogs in all of Christchurch and maybe even New Zealand. Make sure to order yourself one with some chips on the side to accompany your meal.

MC’GREGORS

22 Mcgregors Road, Bromley (03) 389 6070

Wrapping up our list is the amazing Mc’Gregors Fish and Chips in Bromley. There is a debate amongst locals in the east as to who is on top between Mc’Gregors and Big Garys. Both have their own unique styles and approaches to their menus. Big Garys has the hotdogs, but Mcgregors is the place to be for chicken nibbles.

MUST HAVE : Chicken nibbles

These are hands down the best chicken nibbles in the history of chicken nibbles. The go-to order must be a dozen nibbles with chicken salt, and never forgetting your side of chips. The balance between the chicken and the golden batter is truly impeccable. A lot of other places tend to overdo the batter resulting in a soggy chicken piece with too much salt. If you go to Mc’Gregors, they make their chicken nibbles so good; it puts KFC to shame with their recipes. So next time you’re after some nuggets or chicken wings, give Mc’Gregors a call. They’ll sort you out with their mouthwatering poultry.

By Liam Stretch (he/him)

A brief trip down the road, and your always keen to meet.

The bell on the door lets you know I’m back – you hear those words that you’ve waited a week for. A number 42 with rice, please.

You’re relaxed now, you’re in my arms. I’m walking fast; we’ve got no time to waste

We’ve arrived at mine; I slip you out into a bowl. My spork is ready. It’s time to eat.

Tender, juicy, sticky, and sweet. You’ve got a sour side, too. Sometimes you’re afraid to show it, but I want you to.

You tickle my tastebuds as you go down. I treasure every minute we have together. Before I know it, you’re done, and so am I.

I’m reminded of you when my gluten intolerance kicks in, and you slide right out of me.

I can’t wait to see you again, my sweet, sweet, sweet and sour pork.

My top spots for Sweet and Sour Pork:

Maxine’s Palace, Lincoln Road. Not only is Maxine’s an excellent spot for a BYO, but it also has some of the best sweet and sour pork that I have tasted, anywhere. It is crispy and absolutely piping hot. There is an excellent ratio of batter to meat, and the sauce is neither to sweet nor too sour.

Eightgrains, Little High. Located withing the Little High complex in Christchurch’s CBD, Eightgrains has excellent sweet and sour pork, with just a hint of heat and complex spice. Excellent, and it does not leave you feeling heavy.

Avonhead Takeaways, Staveley Street. This is my local and the portions are simply incredible. You can order online, and the quality is exceptional for a street corner takeaway. Plenty of meat, and you’ll definitely have leftovers. This place also does chicken and waffles and popcorn chicken, on top of the usual takeaway offerings.

‘Business Taught Masters was a really good way for me to upgrade my learning and broaden my horizons.’

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Apply now for 2022 www.canterbury.ac.nz/btm

Business School

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Te Kura Umanga

By Lily Mirfin (she/her)

Known for oil pulling and her ‘This Smells Like My Vagina Candle’ Gwyneth Paltrow has made quite a name for herself in the health sector. CANTA’s Lily Mirfin decides to visit her most 21-st century of platforms, Goop, to find out whether the hype is all that.

Somehow I doubt many of you are familiar with the jade egg, dubious candle scent side to Gwyneth Paltrow. If that is the case, I am honoured to introduce you to Goop, the lifestyle and wellness brand created by the actress.

The prices are unbelievable, and I’m trying to figure out if the food is equally as out of touch. I’m not quite within Goop’s target audience. I’m about 20 years too young and many tax brackets below the average Gooper. Gwyneth’s wellness focus has been a tad controversial, like the time she said she’d “rather die” than let her kids eat a Cup-ASoup. And she (reportedly) once said that “Anything natural can’t be bad.” Needless to say, I approached the Goop website with a grain of salt. However, I think I was a bit more confronted by my own goop-iness.

I’m an absolute sucker for the wellness industry. I put collagen powder in my coffee, love acupuncture, and think growing my own kale is fun. But sometimes, things seem a bit extreme – even to me. Of course, Gwyneth Paltrow has released what she eats in a day. I was expecting something hardcore, but honestly, it was a bit of a letdown. There was nothing too wacky about it.

All she seems to consume are lots of veggies, whole grains, and a whole lot of supplements. Now, I couldn’t get my hands on her vitamins (but I wish I could with names like “Balls in the air” and “Why am I so effing tired”) or supplements (best name goes to Moon Juice Brain Dust). The price of these ingredients seems impossibly high, and I’m not sure what rice protein concentrate is useful for. But I did make a few small things like smoothies and a noodle stir fry. Overall, despite some quirky ingredients, everything was pretty normal. It was low-key disappointing: I wanted something more out there, Gwyneth; please make things a bit more extreme.

After spending far too much time on the Goop website, it dawned on me that maybe Gwyneth has had an unfair wrap.

The recipes are good, and seeing $500 juicers seems hilariously out of touch. But she’s clearly following her passions, and who are we to fault her for that. It’s pretty clear that you don’t need to spend all your money on obscure ingredients to have a balanced diet. But I really do think that the average student needs to pay a little more attention to what they’re eating. I’m just going to say it, making a stir-fry from scratch isn’t much harder than making a pack of Mi Goreng. But putting this much thought into your diet seems a bit much. Man, what I would do for some Moon Dust Brain Juice, though.

Don’t be afraid to have a Cup-A-Soup every now and then. Don’t let Gwyneth hold you back. Get goop’d.

By Ella Gibson (she/her)

Have you ever thought about what would be your last meal if you were on death row? Thankfully, in NZ, capital punishment has been abolished since 1989, and we don’t have to fathom the grim criminal consequence. Even still, if you’re in the 54 countries that still actively use the death penalty, let’s hope you don’t commit a heinous crime to get yourself there in the first place!

Death row is known for its beloved last meal tradition. For this food issue of CANTA, I’m taking a deep dive into the craziest and most bizarre death row meals that have been requested. If you’re a Netflix True Crime fiend, this one’s for you, I’ve got you.

JAMES EDWARD SMITH

Crime: In 1983, Smith was handed the death sentence for shooting a man during an armed robbery in Texas.

Last Meal: No wonder Smith was a criminal, his last meal requested was truly illegal in my books! When the clock struck at the time for Smith’s last meal, all he requested was a lump of soil! Smith really feel like cleaning up his act.

JOHN WAYNE GACY

Crime: John Wayne Gacy was the infamous serial killer that dressed up as a clown. Gacy was sentenced to the death penalty after 33 counts of rape and murder. If that doesn’t make your spine shiver, I don’t know what would.

Last Meal: Gacy’s last meal was quite the elaborate platter. The lethal injection wasn’t the only thing that Gacy consumed on 10 May 1994; he also requested 12 fried shrimp, a bucket of KFC chicken, French fries, and a pound of strawberries.

VICTOR HARRY FEGUER

Crime: Feguer was sentenced to death by hanging for kidnapping and murder in 1960, Michigan.

Last Meal: Feguer had one simple request for his last meal on death row. It was plain and simple: a single olive with the pit left in. Feguer told prison guards that he hoped an olive tree would sprout above his grave, acting as a sign of peace.

AILEEN WUORNOUS

Crime: Wuornos is known as America’s first female serial killer, or at least the first confirmed female serial of America. Wuornos was sentenced to death with seven counts of murder.

TIMOTHY MCVEIGH

Crime: McVeigh was the convicted terrorist behind the dreadful Oklahoma City bombing on 19 April 1995. McVeigh killed 168 people and injured another 680, and was sentenced to death.

Last Meal: Before receiving the lethal injection, McVeigh’s request was two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Toothpaste in ice cream form!? That’s a pass from me.

Last Meal: Wuornos requested a simple black coffee as her last meal. Her notorious last words before receiving the lethal injection in 2002 were: “I’d just like to say I’m sailing with the Rock and I’ll be back like Independence Day with Jesus, 6 June, like the movie, big mother ship and all. I’ll be back.” We will only then be able to verify those words to be true if she returns from the dead.

CIARAN

BRYANT: “I have the top shelf because I have the top tier set up and bottom tier energy to ask to change.”

ELLA: “I’d compare my shelf to the likes of a lonely grandma who stocks up on a lot of miscellaneous shit for her grandkids who only very rarely come over.”

CHLOE: “A minimalistic home for at least four different types of cereal boxes, maybe an orange or two and a low carb loaf.”

CIARAN: “So many assignments due that he bought a label maker and spent three hours stickering herbs.”

NATALIE: “Loves the environment so buys bulk bin and leaves for a few months to create biodiversity.”

MATT: “Buys food for the next few weeks, every week.”

By Ella Somers (she/her)

There’s no greater gift from the heavens than a cookie. Or a brownie. Or a muffin. In fact, anything made of flour, sugar, and butter serves humanity well. Ella Somers talked to some folks doing good in our neighbourhoods by delivering baked goods with a smile – Good Bitches Baking.

Good Bitches Baking began in 2014 as the baking brainchild of Marie Fitzpatrick and Nic Murray in Wellington. The goal was to bring sweetness into someone’s life that was going through a difficult time and brighten up their day – and their tastebuds – via the delivery of some delicious home baking.

Not long after it was set up, Sally Clarke, who had recently moved to Christchurch, spotted Good Bitches Baking in a Cuisine magazine and knew she wanted to get involved. She helped set up the Christchurch Chapter of GBB along with some other keen bakers and took on the role of Head Bitch, where she’s been helping people spread baking joy in the community for the past six years.

The philosophy behind Good Bitches Baking, Sally says, is to simply deliver “a slice of sweetness into someone’s day”.

Christchurch GBB has developed since its simple beginnings with the mission to share the power of a sweet home-baked treat. Its humble team of five has grown to 293 volunteers, making it the third biggest Chapter in the country.

These volunteers range from “people in their seventies to those still in high school but are all drawn together by their love of baking for others,” Sally says.

Christchurch GBB now delivers home baking to

51 recipients around Christchurch. Sally says these recipients span from paediatrics wards, NICU, Christchurch City Mission men and women’s night shelters, Battered Women’s Trust, to Cancer Society. The list of places they deliver to is growing longer every year.

Sally says there’s “a lot of joy” that can be found in baking for others as even if it’s the simplest of cakes or biscuits.

“People are so grateful for it,” she says, “it really brightens up their day.”

Being a keen baker herself, her favourite bake to make is a gluten-free brownie. The recipe is so wellloved she can whip up a batch of brownies in 10 minutes. It’s a family-approved bake in her house and something that she’ll “never get sick of eating”.

“I think it’s one of the first things that I ever cooked,” she says. “You can eat it with yoghurt; you can eat it with ice cream, you can eat it with everything”.

Sally says it’s important that people interested in the idea of volunteering for Christchurch GBB don’t worry that they have to bake complicated bakes.

“People just want a biscuit with a cup of tea. You don’t have to be a trained baker to be good at good home baking; it’s just about giving a little bit of yourself to other people who might need something.”

If interested in becoming a good baking bitch, head to gbb.org.nz to find out more about how to get involved, or you can contact Sally directly via email at chch@gbb.org.nz.

REVIEWING

OUR FAVOURITE

CAKES

FROM THE AUSTRALIAN WOMEN’S WEEKLY CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAY CAKE BOOK

First published in 1980, this book has been a firm favourite at many children’s birthday parties up and down Aotearoa and has sold half a million copies. From snakes to pianos, numbers to ducks and castles, many a genius cake decorating hack was employed to make these cakes a reality for children.

So, we sat down and recalled our favourites from when we were children. Give this one to your mum; she’ll have a good old laugh.

PUSS IN BOOTS

Never has a liquorice strap been used so heavily in a cake recipe before. An easy go-to because it was one of the least fuck-upable cakes to decorate and only required two shades of food colouring – often just whatever two colours were in the pantry.

APPEARANCE: 7/10

LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY: MODERATE

LAWSUIT FROM DREAMWORKS: $10,000,000

TIP TRUCK

Only children with mothers who were actually good at baking ever got this cake. This cake was so complex in decoration, it even featured non-edible parts, and the level of knifemanship required was that of a sculptor.

APPEARANCE: 10/10

LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY: IMPOSSIBLE

MURDERS COMMITTED DUE TO DIFFICULTY: WHOLE FAMILY

ECHIDNA

The “what is this?” cake of all women’s weekly cakes. One of the easiest cakes to make and decorate, yet it always looks like you’ve completely fucked it up. It’s literally a dome with chocolate fingers stabbed in it and a penis-looking nose. Also, not sure echidnas have green eyes.

APPEARANCE: 0/10

LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY: EASY

LIKELIHOOD OF CLASSMATES RETURNING FOR ANOTHER PARTY: 0%

SWIMMING POOL

One of the few sports and recreation facilities featured in this book. Taken to a whole new level, with the extra addition of jelly and cocktail umbrella. Easy because it just required one cake and no shaping. However, it’s a complete myth that the chocolate fingers could stand up by themselves.

APPEARANCE 8.5/10

LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY: MODERATE

STRUCTURAL ACCURACY OF BUILDING A POOL: C-

LION

The friendly gay man of lions. The pride of the pride. If you had this cake, your parents probably didn’t love you very much, the first recipe featured in the book, your mum opened the book and said ‘yep, that’ll do’.

APPEARANCE: 5/10

DIFFICULTY: EASY TO MODERATE

LIKELIHOOD YOU’RE GAY NOW: 99.9%

PIANO

No kid wants a goddamn piano cake. Proving she’s utterly soulless, Jacinda Ardern made this cake for her daughter. Only parents who lived their dead musical dreams through their kids made this cake.

APPEARANCE: 3/10

DIFFICULTY: MODERATE TO HARD TIME WASTED: TOO MUCH.

By Liam Donnelly (he/him)

The decision to have a food-themed issue of CANTA was quite an easy decision to make. Food is great! Everyone eats, most people enjoy eating, and pretty much everyone has memories of food that evoke feelings of closeness and community.

As soon as that decision was made, I knew, I KNEW, I’d talk about fried chicken.

You see, I’m a very avid consumer of fried chicken.

No, not in an ‘I eat lots of KFC’ way.

I mean, in an ‘I will hunt out fried chicken everywhere I go, and I’ll analyse the fuck out of it’ way.

Now I know many of you are probably thinking that liking fried chicken is nothing unique; a lot of people profess to like fried chicken. KFC has 102 restaurants (as of December 2020) in this country and makes over $350,000,000 in sales annually, so there is plenty of evidence to suggest we are a fried chicken loving nation.

But I’m going to be completely honest, I actually know better. I am completely, unquestionably a fried chicken aficionado.

So, here’s every piece of fried-chicken-related advice you need:

NO, KFC IS NOT THE BEST FRIED CHICKEN

• KFC is the most basic of the fried chickens, the simple coat and fry technique. No messing around.

• Also, there’s no guarantee that it’s a fresh piece; it could have sat around for hours getting dry before it was packaged into a box for you.

• Some people ask specifically for a piece of breast chicken and think they’ve fucking mastered cuisine itself. Sure, the breast piece is good if it’s fresh out of the fryer. But it’s also the meatiest piece and dries out the fastest.

FUCK SHALLOW FRYING

• This is mainly for those frying chicken at home. But don’t bother shallow frying chicken. If you’re going to go to the length of making fried chicken, buy a goddamn deep fryer.

• Shallow frying generally takes a bit longer and doesn’t give a consistent coat to your fried chicken.

• Good fried chicken is chicken that is fucking SWIMMING in oil.

TEXTURE CONTRAST

• This, dear readers, is the key. What ultimately defines fried chicken is the contrast between the skin and the meat.

• The best fried chicken is crunchy on the outside and moister than an otter’s pocket on the inside.

• When you bite into it, you should feel that clash of two opposing textures dancing on your tongue.

CHIKIN & KARAAGE

• We often consider fried chicken as a dish of the southern United States. But many countries have a culture of frying chicken, all with varying techniques.

• ‘Chikin’ as it’s known in Korea, and ‘Karaage’ in Japan, are – in my qualified opinion – the best styles of fried chicken.

• Put simply; both styles require thoroughly marinated or brined chicken and a good coating that often include potato or corn starch, which helps for crunch.

• You haven’t had good fried chicken until you’ve ventured away from southern, 11-herbs-and-spices style chicken.

COAT, DON’T DIP

• This may be a controversial opinion for some, but fried chicken is not for dipping in condiments.

• If you want more flavour, fried chicken needs to be coated in a sauce, dressing, seasoning or whatever, immediately after having being cooked.

• Fried chicken is not made for dipping; a dip can affect the meat’s overall texture contrast and perception on your tongue.

BRINE! BRINE! BRINE!

• Brining is the process of submerging a cut of meat into a solution of salt and water with additions such as herbs, spices, and/or sugar.

• Brining helps to preserve and season the chicken while enhancing tenderness and flavour.

• Brine overnight or for up to 24 hours for best effect.

• This technique completely transforms fried chicken and makes for the moistest, richest chicken you could have

• You can fight me on this; I will die on a hill for this opinion.

LOCATION RECOMMENDATIONS

So, after all this, it would be cruel not to recommend some good locations for fried chicken.

Here are some places I like to go to:

• Monster Chicken - 1 Riccarton Rd or 394 Riccarton Rd

• The Sushi House - Shop 10/104 Staveley Street

• Seoul Tiger - Riverside Market, 96 Oxford Terrace

• Mexicanos - 131 Victoria Street

• Empire Chicken - Riverside Market, 96 Oxford Terrace

By Liam Stretch (he/him)

At many a sports prizegiving, birthday party, sausage sizzle, or even a forward-thinking flat party, there is always a mad rush for the Value (formerly Budget) fizzy drinks – especially for the best ones.

Not only is this by far the most refreshing of the bunch, but it is also the best. I highly recommend purchasing the 1.5 litre bottle for a mere 99c to make a ‘margarita’ with cheap vodka or tequila.

Let’s not fuck around here; it’s not Coca Cola. It, in no way, tastes like Coke, but it definitely has some quintessential cola elements, which, if you have a craving for them, you’ll be pleasantly satiated.

It’s neither insulting nor unappealing. It’s fizzy, sweet water. You’re not going to be upset if this is the only one left.

1. 2. 3. 4. 6. 5. 7.

This definitely belongs in the top 3. The thing about sparkling raspberry is the flavouring is consistent across cheap and more expensive brands. This is also an excellent mixer for those who are fans of raspberry Cruisers.

This is not Fanta. It doesn’t taste like the fruit; it tastes like the colour. Like someone developed the flavour only based on looking at pictures of oranges.

SPARKLING LEMON. RASPBERRY COLA ORANGE LIME LEMONADE PINEAPPLE

Why the fuck is this flavour? It’s shit. No one ever takes it from the snack table –maybe that one kid who is never allowed fizzy at home has an awful palate for carbonated beverages.

By Liam Stretch (he/him)

What did you do over lockdown? Were you productive? Did you manage to tick off those niggly tasks that you’ve meaning to get to?

I certainly wasn’t and didn’t.

With the announcement of a nationwide Level 4, I decided to reignite something that has become a bit of a COVID tradition – my daily food challenges. In the past, I have wrestled with eggs over 40 days to create a daily egg and even managed to get sponsored by a local vegetable company for a level 3 lockdown to cook a spud a day.

With Delta breathing down my neck, I could think of no better food to will the impending viral storm away than an onion, each day, for two weeks.

I also treat these endeavours as a bit of a history lesson and I kicked off the challenge with an ancient Etruscan onion soup. Dating back millennia, and despite resembling reconstituted vomit, it was surprisingly tasty – albeit more stew-like than a soup.

From here, I took a trip to the Victorian Era with an attempt at the first-ever recorded recipe of onion rings. This was a hefty task because onion rings are in my top 10 foods, just coming in after Sultana Pasties. Anyway, it was a reasonably conventional recipe consisting of a very simple batter – think fish and chip shop style – but required a good number of conversions from old style measurements, e.g. a gill. This recipe had everything going for it: onions, crispy batter, salt. It was let down

by the recommended sauce – butter mustard sauce. This was neither good nor edible, in fact, it was disgusting. The combination somehow became a sour, spicy mess that ruined any onion ring it touched. This was promptly disposed of and replaced with ketchup.

The historical recipes were a real mixed bag, and one that almost stopped me on my onion journey entirely was a recipe from the Great Depression – an onion stuffed with peanut butter and breadcrumbs. The name is what it is, exactly. I thought it might be unique and fun, but after an hour of cooking in the oven, my emotions resembled the very era it came from, straight into the green bin for this one.

Following this, I intentionally made things from this century and one that I knew I would enjoy: Mary Berry’s onion tart, onion jam, onion dip (from scratch), blooming onion, fritters, muffins, flatbreads, sage and onion sausage rolls, a cheese and onion sandwich, and a Japanese onion salad.

Throughout this process, I did gain a little more respect for the humble onion. He is a true vers and one that should be appreciated for the transformation it can take – honestly, I could eat onion jam every day. I will warn you, though, if you’re to attempt two weeks with onions as the hero item in a meal, do consider the flatulence you WILL have. It will come thick and fast, and you won’t be prepared. Eventually, my body got used to it, and I thrived, but as soon as this happened, we were in level 3, and it was time to end the saga of the Allium.

I’ve shared with you one of my favourite recipes of the two weeks, and it is very easy to make:

Onion day 5. Flatbread with caramelised onions.

Ingredients:

200g flour, 130g beer, one teaspoon salt, two teaspoon baking powder, onion powder. One large red onion, olive oil, feta cheese, balsamic, golden syrup, salt, pepper, parsley.

Method:

Mix dry ingredients together and add beer. Mix until a dough forms, knead, and rest for 10-12 mins in a covered bowl.

Chop onions and put in a pan with some olive oil and salt. Sweat onions and add golden syrup, salt, pepper, balsamic and cook down.

Separate dough into four pieces.

Roll out dough pieces into half centimetre thick flatbreads in some polenta with your hands or a pin. If too dry, add a little oil. If too wet, add some more flour.

Put in pan and cook for 1-2 mins each side. Drizzle with olive oil, put on onions, feta, balsamic, and garnish (parsley).

Eat.

By Liam Stretch (he/him)

Today, most people will know Wendy’s as the American fast-food joint – selling burgers, loaded fries, and frosties. But I can remember a time when going to Wendy’s meant ice cream.

Wendy’s Supa Sundaes – which became Shake Shed Co. in New Zealand due to a bitter legal stoush between the majority franchise owner and the parent company – went into receivership last year. With it went a legacy of some of the best ice creams in the business.

I am, of course, talking about the Monster, Teddy Bear, Dinky Duck, and Clown.

It was an absolute treat when Mum – usually Dad – would take my siblings or me to get a Wendy’s ice cream, and I already had in my mind what I would get – this was a Dinky Duck. I’m sure some of you are Monster stans, and I respect you for that. I’m just going to ignore those who got the Teddy Bear or the Clown – I bet you think sweet chilli sauce is spicy.

The reasons the Dinky Duck scores above every other cream freeze option are pink sherbet and its beak. The beak, which I assume was white chocolate shaped like a shell, was perfectly complementary to the tingly pink sherbet. It also provided a bit more sustenance than that of the Monster – the green sherbet on this was arguably better than the Dinky Duck, but the gummy lollies were not as satisfying as the chocolate.

On the topic of sherbet, I must add that an honourable mention is the sherbet cone with a flake. This definitely has the same perks as the Dinky Duck. Chocolate and sherbet just seem to work.

Wendy’s also created another iconic duo that really shouldn’t have worked but did: shake and dog. You may remember that ad with the shaking chihuahua? Anyway, Wendy’s idea was to serve up a rather delicious milkshake with a very average American hot dog. It was so great because you drunk more of your milkshake to wash away the extremely cheap hotdog and dry as heck bun. No matter how average that dog was, I really want one right about now.

So, here’s to you, Wendy’s. I miss you; I hope you are well.

This is ‘satay’ and ‘chilli’ in a very white people way. But it’s a magically practical recipe because it’s cheap, surprisingly tasty, very easy to make, and can serve plenty of people.

INGREDIENTS:

• Oil – one tablespoon

• Garlic – two or three cloves (crushed)

• Chicken (diced) – 500 grams

• Soy sauce – three tablespoons

• Coconut cream – 1 can

• Chilli Sauce – two tablespoons

• Peanut Butter – two tablespoons

• Veges of your choice

• Noodles of your choice

INSTRUCTIONS:

• In a large frying pan, heat oil and add in garlic.

• Add diced chicken and cook

• Add your favourite vegetables. (red pepper, carrot, broccoli, baby corn. All go good in this).

• In a bowl, combine coconut cream, chilli sauce, peanut butter, and soy sauce. Pour mixture into chicken and vegetables, heat for five mins.

• Mix with noodles

Liam Donnelly (he/him)

Add two heaped Raro teaspoons to your shaker, squeeze in half a lemon, and add some ice. Pour over a ‘shot’ of vodka. Shake for a minute. Add to a glass of ice and pour over budget lemonade.

KINGFISHER REALLY STRONG

Take two glasses and put three ice cubes in each one. Divide 50ml Campari between the glasses and top with 300ml of Kingfisher. Add a splash of orange juice and a splash of lemonade, and rub a piece of orange peel around the rim of each glass before dropping into the drink.

SPECIAL BLEND MARTINI

Make up a cup of special blend coffee – the stronger, the better – and add to a shaker with ice. Add a shot or two of vodka and add some hot chocolate mix. Shake for two minutes and strain into a wine glass.

BEROCCA FIZZ

Put a Berroca in a glass of water and add one shot of tequila and one shot of vodka. Garnish with lime.

THE ILAM SMASH

Gather a bunch of mint from your mum’s garden and grab a lemon from a flat’s tree. Quarter the lemon and add eight mint leaves to a glass. Smash together. Add ice and 30 mils of simple syrup – simmer sugar and water together for about 30 mins and let cool – and have a double shot of bourbon left over from your parent’s trip to Sydney. Transfer to a stolen pint glass and garnish with mint.

THE STUDENT LOAN

Mix a double shot of gin with tap water.

The first 10 people to bring their completed Gordon Ramsay face maze to the CANTA office (in Haere-Roa) will win a prize.

“FLAVORTOWN

UTOPIA”

WORD WHEEL

Make as many REAL words as you can, using the centre letter.

WANT TO GO ON A BLIND DATE FOR LUCKY DIP? APPLY FOR LUCKY DIP ON OUR WEBSITE

dipper one

I’m not really one for going on dates. Okay well I’ve never been on one. Partly because I’ve liked being single, partly because the few ladies I’ve asked on dates have all rejected me.

But Lucky Dip to the rescue! No option seems better than someone else doing the hard yards and finding me a date.

I strategically arrived early, in a crisp, clean shirt, looking fine as hell. I was shown a table, but it was a nice day so I asked if we could sit outside. It was a smart move, my date arrived a few minutes later and she was very happy to be outside. She looked radiant in the sun.

We did the usual “hello how are you” and sat down for the awkward first minute exchanges. Surprisingly, it wasn’t very awkward, the conversation just rolled. The back and forth we had was great, the chemistry intense. We studied basically the exact opposite things, but we had so much in common. We cackled for what seems like hours before we even ordered food. That was easy too. We agreed on everything to order.

I excused myself for a pee break after we ordered. I didn’t really need to pee, I just wanted to collect myself and the butterflies in my stomach. After a small ‘holy shit, this is actually going well’ moment, I went back to the table.

Soon our food arrived, and the banter just kept on rolling as we ate. There was even a brief moment of sexily feeding each other curly fries. The unfortunate thing about eating is that eventually you finish the food, which is a sign the date is probably ending. I had study to do but I really, really didn’t want this to end. So, I bit the bullet and suggested we leave and go somewhere, perhaps for another drink. She admitted to having some study to do, but thankfully decided that another drink was a better option.

We migrated to The Foundry, which eventually migrated to her place. I would love to give the readers juicy details, but no we didn’t get that far. But I had an amazing time and at the time of writing this, we’re actually going to see each other again! So, thanks CANTA!

Lucky Dip is the longest running segment in CANTA. Each issue, we set two people up on a blind date and they record their experiences. These anecdotes are as they come, and unedited.

Dipper two

I’ve read Lucky Dip heaps, and it’s partly the only reason I ever pick up Canta… sorry. But I had never actually had the guts to go on one of the blind dates. I’ve dated plenty and came out of a serious relationship a wee while back, so I decided to nominate myself for the dreaded Lucky Dip.

And I’m super happy that I did. I’ve got hand it to Canta, there is something to doing things the old-fashioned way.

I know this is cliched, but we just really hit it off, and mostly down to the fact that he was kind and actually a real gentlemanwhich, to tell you the truth boys, this is STILL a really attractive quality.

We had great yarns and he was a really good conversationalist. I always get nervous before dates and I dread those awkward moments of silence, but thankfully, we had none of those.

I could feel the sexual tension rising as the date went on and

the eye contact was getting pretty intense, we Lady and the Tramped some fries at one point, too.

It was a weekday, and I knew I had to get back to some Stats study, but he suggested we continue the date a wee bit and have a drink somewhere. The Foundry seemed logical and after two drinks there, I asked him if he wanted to come back to my flat. He agreed perhaps a little bit too enthusiastically, but we went back to mine, watched Blue Planet and made out a little.

Should I say I’m smitten? Well, I am. I definitely want to see him again, and if this becomes something, I’ll be stoked but if we become friends too, then I’m also happy with that. He’s just really sweet.

So, thanks Canta for bringing two hopeless romantics together. You’re doing the lord’s work xx

TIME CAPSULE

ISSUE 5

MARCH 26, 2014

SCOPES

WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE FOR DESSERT, ACCORDING TO YOUR STAR SIGN.

ARIES

One scoop of your favourite ice cream. Go on; you’ve earned it!

TAURUS

Aunt Betty’s Steamed Pudding, chocolate flavour. Have both, you fat loner.

GEMINI

Bread and butter pudding. End the day on a high note with some warm, wet bread.

CANCER

Rhubarb crumble. Because fuck you.

LEO

Soufflé. Like you, it’s a lot of hard, arduous work for an ultimately unsatisfying ending.

VIRGO

One singular M&M. You don’t need, nor deserve, more.

LIBRA

A banana split. Split in two and filled with cream; just how you like it.

SCORPIO

Crème Brûlée. Hard on the outside, creamy and sweet in the centre; I see you.

SAGITTARIUS

Cheesecake. You’re controversial, but people with good taste like you.

CARPICORN

Have a cake pop. Just like you, it’s pretty to look at but tastes like shit.

AQUARIUS

Chocolate mousse. Velvety, chocolatey, and moist. Mmmmmmmmm.

PISCES

Gregg’s Instant Dessert, butterscotch flavour. Because you’re worth it, worth $1.39, that is.