CANTA ISSUE 6, 2017

CANTA

HOW TO: BE THE ALPHA

DAVID SEYMOUR “SORRY MUM, I WENT TO A STRIP CLUB”

HOW TO: BE THE ALPHA DAVID SEYMOUR INTERVIEW

FIVE

ANON WOMEN TALK ABOUT: KEEPING SANE AROUND EXAMS

HARD YARDS: THE SHINING

LUCKY DIP: SOUNDS FAKE, BUT OK...

Editor’s note

Hello from your sometimes friendly Editor Joshua.

The past month has taught me that yes, you can live on campus if you really wanted to. Not that I have, not that I would confirm nor deny that I was anyway... but damn it looks appealing. No rent. No power bills. Half decent internet. PLENTY of books. No noisy neighbours... kind of. At least 35 stray cats hanging around to pat. Vending machines and cafes, endless hot water, with a few dece showers hidden around. It makes you think. It makes me think.

Speaking of thinking with our brains, we are working on a CANTA website. It’s sitting there looking so damn horrendous right now. Don’t look. Please. CANTA is 87 so you can forgive it for not being Internet savvy. Stay tuned! We’ll make it good, I promise ☺ Enjoy issue six – full of strippers, David Seymour and ALPHA DOGS.

Woof.

– Joshua

“SORRY MUM, I WENT TO A STRIPCLUB”

Letters to the Editor

Email letters@canta.co.nz | <100 words | $25 UBS voucher for Letter of the Week!

MISERABLE WHEAT TENDRILS

Dear Canta,

On Monday 1 May at 1:15pm I went on my regular trip to the Undercroft Food Court, ready for my regular fix of $2 rice. All was going well until, to my horror, I spied that instead of delicious rice-y goodness, there was a mass of miserable wheat tendrils. Without proper consultation, the UCSA had changed the rice days to Tues/Thurs instead of the old Mon/Wed/Fri days. I am outraged that they could do such a thing! Can you please get the UCSA to put rice back to its rightful place as the 3-day option?

Yours sincerely, Rice-rice-baby

Dear Canta

I walked into The Wok on Monday full of enthusiasm to get my fix of $2 rice that I had been missing all holidays. I gagged at the sight of the $2 noodles they are now trying to force us to eat 3x a week on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays while my beloved rice has been thrown on the back-burner Tuesday and Thursday slots.

These noodles are horrible and are no substitute for the delicious golden brown rice that usually graces this time. If anything the rice should be offered 5 times per week but at a bare minimum I would be satisfied if they were returned to their rightful position on the menu which is Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Warm regards, Flaccid noodle

The UCSA F&B Manager responded for you both:

Hi Flaccid Noodle and Rice-rice-baby

We aim to ensure we keep offering a range of products, at a range of prices. Producing the rice dish includes a higher labour content than noodles (this is the highest cost of most products), and to ensure we can keep this priced low at $2, we

needed to swap things around a little. If you would prefer, we could increase the price and return to having Rice more regularly?

Yours, Chef

Rice

CAPITALS help ENHANCE the MESSAGE

Hi CANTA, Students need to know that it’s EASY to REMOVE the CLAMPS put on by UC SECURITY. All it takes is a small pair of PLYERS or a HACKSAW and you’ll be free. RESIST!

THANKS for the handy TIP. I think anyone with HALF a BRAIN won’t ATTEMPT THIS. Reading your LETTER was like a ROLLERCOASTER for my INNER MONOLOGUE. PLEASE get HELP.

Joshua – Editor

LOVE AFFAIR WITH DFC

Dear Canta, Everyone needs to know about the deep fried cambenbert at The Burg, don’t you agree? Honestly I need DFC tattooed on my lower back.

The crunch, the ooze, the quick burst of flavour... whoever decided to make these tiny balls of sunshine must be my husband with absolute haste. I want a stack of these balls as our wedding cake. They’ll be in tiny boxes as wedding gifts for our guests, and when we reach our honeymoon destination, they’ll be stuffed between our hotel sheets.

I love you DFC. I. Love. You.

DFC’s One and Only xoxox

Hi One and Only.

Moderation is key. Like Elmo says, they’re a sometimes food. Why do I feel like you’d be wildly jealous of the plum sauce though...?

PS: Next week’s Lucky Dip: this person and DFC.

– CANTA

DON ’T DO THE THING

Dear Canta,

I appreciate the idea of doing an Eco issue of Canta.

When I reached page 12 however, I read a very uninformed message, which read “Light some beeswax candles instead of using lightsenvironmentally friendly, provide ambience, but also possibly a fire hazard...”

Most candles are made from petroleum, which means that they’re made using crude oil. Yes, beeswax candles might not be, but seriously, who can afford these? They also still release various carcinogens into your home, and that dirty thing called carbon dioxide.

I’m quite happy to light my home using my EECA-

certified energy-efficient bulbs, with the knowledge that they are powered from mostly renewable energy sources, and they won’t burn my house down.

Yours sincerely, Environmentally concerned student

Well, there you go – to the two people who might possibly have considered beeswax candles... don’t. Thanks.

– CANTA

LICENSE TO CIRCLE INTO THE DEPTHS OF DEPRESSION

UC refers to their parking permits as a ‘license to hunt’– as in, you don’t get a reserved parking space, only the opportunity to ‘hunt’ for one.

Over the last few weeks it has become increasingly clear that this analogy is somewhat limited. If we are to stick with the idea of a ‘license to hunt’, then surely it’s more like a ‘license to hunt Bigfoot’. As in: YOU JUST WASTED $300 ON A LICENSE YOU FUCKING HILLBILLY LOSER

Yours, Cletus

Hi Cletus.

There’s parking for horses behind The Foundry. – CANTA

WESLEY WINS YOUTH AWARD

Wesley Mauafu, who is studying a Bachelor of Engineering with Honours, has received a Youth Champion Award for making a significant contribution to young people.

Wesley has been recognised in particular for his work advocating for and supporting young Pasifika people in the area of wellbeing and suicide prevention. UC Pacific Development Team (PDT) Leader Riki Welsh says Wesley’s work in this area has been outstanding, and was most apparent when he chaired and led the first PULSE (Pasifika United to Lead Suicide Prevention Education) event.

This was aimed at increasing suicide prevention information with young Pasifika people. Leading a group of adults and clinicians was no easy task, but Wesley delivered this to a very high standard.

At UC, Wesley works part time as a tutor for Pacific students, including through the PDT’s successful outreach programmes for high school students. He has tutored more than 30 students in Science and Maths, and also helped lead Christchurch’s first STEM fono (meeting) in 2016.

THE NZTA KAIKOURA CHALLENGE

PROF. BERNADI TALKS

Since the earthquakes of 2016, visitation numbers to Kaikōura have dropped drastically. For a region heavily dependent on visitors, this poses a significant threat to the economic and social wellbeing of the residents and their businesses.

Taking place from Friday 19 to Sunday 21 May, the NZTA Kaikōura Challenge brings teams of students together from across the University with local and regional experts and mentors. Students will work with local business owners, residents and officials to develop strategies to help the community safeguard against losing their livelihoods by increasing visitor numbers to the area.

Professor Daniel Bernadi (San Francisco State University) was here with us last semester in Cinema Studies as a Canterbury Fellow. Professor Bernardi lectured in CINE201 Hollywood and Genre, where he traced the history of the Science Fiction genre, including sci-fi classics like Godzilla (Ishirô Honda 1954), The Man Who Fell to Earth (Roeg 1976), Thriller (Michael Jackson 1984), and Star Wars: Episode One (Lucas 1999).

Daniel will be in conversation with James Gleick, the acclaimed author of Time Travel, at the WORD Festival on Tuesday 16 May, 6-7pm.

The Piano, 156 Armagh St, Christchurch.

WOODEN BUILDING FOR SCIENCE PRECINCT

UC’ s new Science precinct will push the boundaries of multi-storey timber-framed construction in New Zealand.

It will be built using innovative timber technology that the University’ s academic researchers developed and are teaching UC Engineering students to use.

UC Learning Resources Executive Director Alex Hanlon is pleased to announce the last building in the Science precinct. “This is leading edge construction.

HEATHER’S SHAVE TO REMEMBER

Buildings already exist that use some of this technology, but this will be the very first multi-storey, all timber ‘ moment’ -framed building in New Zealand, and potentially in the world.”

Scheduled to be completed in 2019, the new building will house UC College of Science staff and postgraduate students.

It will replace the von Haast building, which is currently being prepared for demolition.

generally just tell people and then reassure them that not knowing what to say is normal. From the age of 16 I’ve had to teach myself how to cope with dealing with grief. With the sadness of it, the spontaneity of it and the knowing it’s something I have to face every day. Dealing with grief at any age is horrible, but as a young person it has been especially hard.

Heather Victoria is a third year student at UC studying Media and Anthropology. Having cancer take her mother’s life at a young age, Heather has stepped up to the challenge of shaving her hair for cancer awareness. Here’s what Heather has to say about her life experience with Cancer.

When I was sixteen my Mum passed away from cancer. This is a sentence that I still get anxious saying or typing even 4 years later. It’s the point in a conversation that will cut all upbeat to the ground. I

Thankfully though along the way I’ve gained the help from CanTeen through their offspring group and youth workers. To most people CanTeen is seen as a resource to patients but it is so much more then that. They have been the introducer of so many other young people who are going through similar situations with cancer. Finding people who can relate to you is the biggest release at the hardest of the times. It can make the most overwhelming of days feel better by having people who actually understand what you are goingthrough.

CanTeen has become such a big part of my life that I am shaving my head to raise funds for the Canterbury branch to give back! My main purpose for this headshave is to raise awareness about CanTeen and to talk about my experiences dealing with grief.

givealittle.co.nz/fundraiser/aheadshavetoremember

NGAIRE KNOWS BEST

Sup Ngaire, I owe a mate fifty bucks and I think he’s forgotten. Should I say anything or just pretend like I forgot too?

Thanks Tim

You listen now and you listen hard Cheap Skate Tim, you keep your yap shut and your yap shut good.

I’m meeting my boyfriend’s parents for the first time and wanted to try bake something to make a good first impression? Any ideas?

Thanks Lucy

Dear Lucy, What a smashing idea! You should absolutely bake an apple crumble - old people love that shit. Avoid the cream as you have no idea what cream does to a fatigued bowel. Goodness me. But if you can’t bake then go to one of those stupid hippy dippy farmer’s markets and pay a widow for her best pie. The aim here is for his mother to hate you as little as possible. You’re already gobbing her son’s knob and probably can’t bake, so it’s going to be a struggle.

Best wishes, Ngaire.

Dear Grandma, My BA feels like a waste of time and is really expensive. Should I just go get a job like some of my school mates?

Aaron Aaron, You stop that silly talk right now young man. Children are the future and education is the key! Or so I hear watching those damn breakfast telly shows that Susan insists on having on the bloody TV. It’s better to be in school than on the dole or counting beans at that polytechnic place where everyone wears dirty looking trackpants.

You’re a winner to me!

Ngaire

Money forgotten is money that never was. Go buy your stupid friend a pint of beer and pretend you’re just being generous and never bring up the cash. If he ever does ask, you gaslight the shit out of him and accuse him of being drug fucked.

It’s worked for me several times at the bowls club.

Regards, Ngaire: Te Awamutu Bowls Club President

We pass on your emails to Ngaire: canta.editor@gmail.com

facebook.com/MrsNgaireChambers

– A hose can reach to a kitchen sink.

– No friends? Cut your bread into a hand shape. When it pops up in the toaster, it feels like a high five.

– Corn kernels taped to the ceiling make a decent smoke alarm.

– If there’s only $8 in your account... tilt your head 90 degrees. Now it’s an infinity sign.

– A nipple piercing can hold a spare house key.

SKILLS FOR NON-MAORI KIWIS

UNDERSTAND THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE & TE TIRITI O WAITANGI

MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS WITH M AORI ORGANISATIONS IN YOUR AREA OR SECTOR

KNOW THE HISTORY OF INVASIONS, LAND THEFT, IMPOVERISHMENT AND COLONISATION

SUPPORT AN EQUITABLE TREATY SETTLEMENT PROCESS

PRONOUNCE

MAORI NAMES

CORRECTLY

RECOGNISE

PAKEHA CULTURE

LEARN THE TIKANGA OF YOUR LOCAL MARAE

READ, LISTEN & WATCH MAORI MEDIA FOR AN ACCURATE PICTURE

UNDERSTAND MAORI DIVERSITY

club promoter

Profiling the best clubs and events on campus

BANGLADESHI SOC

The Bangladeshi Students studying at University of Canterbury celebrated the 46th independence day of Bangladesh in a festive mode at College of Education Health and Human Development on 26 March.

On the occasion, we organised a Bangladeshi Food festival, Discussion, cutting a cake, showing a documentary, and a cultural program.

Education PhD student Muhammed Mahbubur Rahaman chaired the program, Professor Janinka Greenwood formally

CHEMSOC

So what is ChemSoc? As the name implies, ChemSoc is the chemistry society on campus, but before you lose interest in this piece we are both a social AND academic club so you don’t have to be an avid chemist to be a member!

If you like explosions, ‘magic’ tricks and having a swell time then you should definitely join ChemSoc.

It’s only $5 to sign up and for that small membership fee we have some fantastic events during the year, many of which are free for members!

So far this year we’ve hosted quiz nights and first year help sessions, as well as the TriSci Beerlympics (TriSci = ChemSoc, BIOSOC and Physsoc).

Coming up soon we will have

inaugurated the occasion.

Local artists from Christchurch Banghabandhu Parisad and a delegation from Bangladesh Ministry of Education also joined in the program.

At present, there are about 12 Bangladeshi students studying at post grad level over the campus. As the numbers are growing, we are planning to establish a club.

If you are Bangladeshi and want to get involved, contact:

mahbub.rahaman@pg.canterbury.ac.nz

another quiz and more first year help sessions, community outreach projects, the TriSci ball, TriSci end of year BBQ, a Brewing competition with UCBC and, for the first time ever, the Chemistry Cocktail evening.

Think a classy cocktail evening with the addition of dry ice and other exciting chemistry incorporated.

Does this sound like you? All our members have a heap of social events on offer and those who actually do chemistry have the added bonus of help sessions!

Check out our Facebook group (search Chemsoc Canterbury) for more details and email chemsoc.uc@gmail.com to join us!

PHYSSOC

Explosives get you all hot and flustered? Subatomic particles get your heart racing? Magnetism get your coils in a twist? Love staring at large balls (of gas and fire)? Make like nuclear fusion and smash your way into PhysSoc.

As the name suggests, Physsoc is UC’s social physics club. It offers a wide range of different events for anyone with an interest in the physical sciences. Upcoming events that we’re super excited about are our Pseudoscience Seminars, Mt John Getaway, and Combust, the PhysSoc party bus in Term 3.

We blasted into the semester break with our Annual Cold Rocket Challenge. Small teams of aspiring rocket scientists were given only a few hours to build a liquid nitrogen powered bottle rocket and compete to see which could be launched the furthest. With lunch provided to fuel the scientists, and liquid nitrogen to fuel their rockets, they achieved some astounding results. The first place rocket reached a whopping 88m, just shy of the University record of 90m. You can check out the awesome highlights video on our Facebook page.

Upcoming events are shaping up to be just as exciting. Next up is the first of two Pseudoscience Seminars, where outlandish conspiracies are presented as if they were mainstream science. The best conspirators are up for some mad prizes!

What really makes PhysSoc explosive is its members. We’re not just an awesome way to get together with other rad undergrad and postgrad scientists over popcorn or under the stars, but we’re also an open point of contact for those who are keen on science to meet the next generation of worldchanging scientists.

PhysSoc membership is open to students and public alike. All that’s needed is a passion for Physics or Astronomy, and a $5 entry fee.

For all the excitement, friends and free food that gets you, it’s an absolute-zero stone-cold steal.

UC ROBOTICS

Our goal at UC Robotics is to win international robotics competitions while developing and supporting a passion for robotics among students and teachers in Christchurch. This goal directly aligns with the College of Engineering’s aim of recruiting more high-quality students by providing visibility and a clear pathway from high school robotics to the UC engineering and product design degree programmes.

Since its inception in March 2017, the club has provided mentors and volunteers at various high schools.

We’d love to have the support of our fellow UC students in during this year in our goal to become the world champions!

How to : BE THE ALPHA IN YOUR FLAT

CANTA is here to help you turn you boneless betas into the ultimate alphas. Here’s your handy guide to ruling the roost. You’ll be like that enormous chicken in that video, except you’ll have the best room in the flat. Read on and be enlightened...

MAKE IT BIG

What does big entail? I don’t care how you identify, how tall you are or what your background is. Being the alpha is a WAY OF LIFE. It’s not given to you. It’s earned.

Big is: loud voices. Large

LABELS ARE FOR BETAS

better next time.

where you wake everyone up at inspection as a ruse. When you’re questioned on this, say... Oh yeah, Boys – fluff and pull before you Ladies – tweak tweak tweak. lounge. Spread it out, figuratively

huddled up watching Netflix, talk through it. Who cares? They can rewind it. Besides Riverdale is shit.

-Is this article now laminated on your fridge?

– Off the top of your head, how much is in the flat account?

– Have you criticised a flatmate’s mum’s baking to her face?

you

ANSWER: If you even

CANDID WITH CANTA: DAVID SEYMOUR

[CANTA] Why should students vote for ACT?

[David Seymour] As soon as you hit $70k you’re going to pay 33 cents income tax, 12 cents loan repayments, 15 cents GST. Excise taxes on booze and petrol too. That’s too much money going to the government. Then you get blamed for not having saved a $200, 000 for a deposit on a house. Then they say okay, we’re going to address one of your issues by raising the Super age, but guess what, we’re not going to do it for 20 years. You’ll have to pay tax for everyone else to get Super at 65 but you’re not getting it till you’re 67. On the really big issues—housing, super, tax—students have been neglected politically. Do you want your issues to be addressed, and is there any party that’s addressing them? Take Super—all other parties want to keep it as it is for at least 20 years. ACT’s the only party on that issue.

[C] What do you think the role of the government should be?

[DS] Regulating, owning, and taxing and spending. Regulating: Solving problems that people can’t solve privately. For instance, tragedies of the commons, like in fisheries. Regulating market failures is one role of government, but that’s the opposite from a lot of the regulations that we have which are basically just imposing one set of views on another group of people. For example, some people have the idea that we should all live closer together and we shouldn’t use up so much land to build houses. The result of that policy has been total disaster wherever it’s been tried. New Zealand is now 0.8% urbanised and yet has a shortage of urban land, which is crazy, right?

Owning: There are some things the government probably should own. Courthouses, police stations, the parliament building. But there’s a bunch of things the government owns that it doesn’t need to run. The government owns four electricity companies that compete against each other, but for what possible purpose? Expenditure: There’s a kind of expenditure where you guarantee everybody that they’ll have an education funded even if their parents aren’t very good. Then there’s the kind of expenditure where you just say here’s a group of marginal voters I’m going to give them a lot of money. So some expenditure is good, if it’s genuinely something that you couldn’t have insured against yourself, like having shit parents. Other expenditure is just an election bribe.

[C] What’s an issue that you have changed you mind about recently?

[DS] I can’t think of anything I’ve had a dramatic reversal with recently. I’m lot more accepting for a legitimate role for government. I was a libertarian as a teenager and I thought the government was all crap. Now I think the government can do some useful things. But the difference between me and my political opponents is that I want to limit government in a principled way, they just sort of do whatever’s popular on that particular day.

[C] Which left-wing MP do you have the most respect for?

[DS] Look, I think Nick Smith is a pretty impressive left-wing MP, he’s manged to infiltrate the National Party—but, he’s very technically able.

THE ACT PARTY LEADER ON THE GOVERNMENT AND STUDENT ALLOWANCES

[C] What do you think about Labour’s KiwiBuild policy?

[DS] It’s intellectually bankrupt. You just have to ask yourself—if you had a magic wand that would solve all of the infrastructure funding, land use regulation, and building consent problems for a hundred thousand houses built by the government—why wouldn’t you just use that magic want to solve those problems for the entire market? You’ve either got the wand or you don’t. If you don’t got the wand it’s going to be no easier for the government to build houses than the private sector, and if you do have the wand, let’s use it for everybody.

[C] Why do you think we should put interest on student loan fees?

[DS] It was a straight up election bribe by the Labour party, they were desperate to hold on to power, and the National Party rightly opposed it, but now they accept it for the same reason. First of all, it’s been done for the wrong reasons, it’s been done for entirely political reasons. Second of all, as taxpayers we’re spending 600 million dollars a year giving benefits to a group of people in society who should be least in need of benefits, this is tertiary graduates. The third reason is just a selfish reason, the people who read CANTA are going to pay for the cost of education for all of New Zealand—one way or another—so the choice is pretty simple, you either pay for your own choices once, or you pay for a whole lot of other people’s bad choices for the rest of your life through taxes. The people who do an extra year of their BA because they just feel like they should, it’s the people who take out $1000 with a pro forma invoice to get a new laptop every year then just spend it all on piss. With interest-free student loans, you’re paying for everyone who does that stuff. If you don’t do it yourself, if you actually behave responsibly, it doesn’t matter because you still get penalised paying everyone else’s interest. Having said that, I’ve just come to the conclusion that there’s never going to be a majority in the house to put it back on so I’ve given up campaigning on it.

[C] What do you think about the living costs and student allowance scheme?

[DS] There has to be a loan, because 17-year-olds generally don’t have any credit history and they generally don’t have any assets. This is one of those market failures, no one’s going to loan to a 17-yearold. That’s why there’s a case for government to actually have a loan scheme, whether it be for course costs or for living costs, same ultimate problem. I’ve never understood why it is that someone who is either very poor or so rich their parents don’t declare any income gets more money and doesn’t have to pay it back. If you’re a middle-class kid any you don’t qualify because your parents are too proud to beg and too dumb to steal, then you end up having to pay your living costs back. It’s insane. What you’re really saying is that even with the same qualifications, kids who were poor as children are somehow less able to repay, and that’s crazy. So I think everyone should have to repay it, it’s just not fair otherwise.

[C] Do you think students should get enough from the government so they can study without a part-time job?

[DS] I think you should have the option of borrowing a lot more. Just to put it in perspective, my last year of university was 2006, I got $150 a week, and my rent in downtown Auckland was $135. There’s no way you could rent in Auckland or Wellington, probably not even in Christchurch for $135 now—could you?

[C: Yeah.] So you guys probably haven’t been hit as bad by it, but nevertheless living costs have gone up, and going from $150 to $176 in ten years, that’s not keeping up at all. Maybe it’s not so bad here down in Canterbury, but there’s kids in Wellington who are literally growing vegetables in their back garden because they can’t afford food. It’s really bad, and if you’re going to spend $20,000 a year on a tertiary course—which is the real cost of it—well you should probably make sure you’re able to be there. I worked 40 hours a week sometimes when I was at uni, went to bugger all lectures, and got shit grades as a result. It was a waste of everyone’s time.

Interview by Matthew Amos

FLAT FAMOUS

This flat is the base of operations for The Logía Society.

Our semi-frequent meetings and parties set the stage for our mission to bring the arts and sciences together and plot world domination.

We enjoy chilling with a few brews, and studying hard whilewearing our finest lab coats and geek memorabilia.

You will frequently find us engaging in practical chemistry (cooking) and biological sciences

Photos by Sara Qasem Aldaqqa @sezzy.q

(eating) along with spirited discourses on scientific and social frontiers, politics and philosophies, with a side of science fiction for good measure.

BEST FEATURES: A sunny and cosy courtyard A growing library of boardgames, films, books, and artworks.

WORST FEATURES: Our slightly neglected vege garden Remembering the best things in life are free - unlike this flat or the degree on the wall.

RESIDENTS:

Andrew. 28 year old Pols and Human Services honours postgrad, club president, student rep, former professional cook and serial fermenter of schemes to achieve/ evade success...

Angle. 27 year old psych major, youth worker, and equal parts quirky and curious. Nothing can tie this free spirit down (unless you’re into that kinda thing). Loves to express creativity through writing, drawing, and putting kitchen utensils to interesting uses. Do not tell the flatmate.

Chris. 21 year old cutie. He’s a composer/code artist who delights in the intersection between the adorable, technical, and absurd. Past projects include: an unwinnable number guessing game, a suite of modernist piano works inspired by the characters of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and an essay exploring the relationship between programming language theory and the systemic exploitation of the working class. Single.

Suss your

Suss your flat for under $30 each per week!

Tasty recipes and fresh ingredients delivered to your place. Ready in around 30 minutes.

The Logía Laboratory won a Mega 5 which can feed six flatties for five nights, thanks to Bargain Box!

MUM, I

TO A STRIP CLUB

KATIE HARRIS TALKS TO A FEMINIST AT CHCH’S MOST INFAMOUS STRIP CLUB

It was a high school reunion of sorts which drew me (reluctantly) into the central city. I normally have a personal policy against Christchurch town in part due to the occasionally seedy delinquents which frequent these establishments and partly because I’m too poor to pay for both the Uber and the $18 cocktails. But in the spirit of “old time’s sake,” I threw on my only pair of heels, my best fake smile and made the trek into the unknown.

After an unsuccessful run at the usual Baretta, Empire, Engineers line-up, I sat on the pavement awaiting my friend’s boyfriend who was supposedly driving us to the next joint. The lines grew thicker and my hope of getting a ride back to the pearly gates of Ilam was fading, I began mentally preparing to fork out an Uber fare. However, in this moment of despair, my knight in shining black armour appeared. The slick van with tinted windows kissed the kerb and with a crack four men scrambled out. It was a strip club van. The girl leant out the window glossing the crowds searching for potential patrons. Tempting the shivering partyers with free passes.

In a fog of sleep deprivation and vodka teas, I made the executive decision to climb aboard. The girls, hesitantly, followed suit. We were coaxed into the building within minutes. Trotting up the stairs we had no idea what to expect.

Once I had taken my seat, (front and centre) I began to undress the situation. The crowd was surprisingly diverse.

I was I was expecting a gaggle of sleazy men dripping in testosterone and beer. What greeted me, however, was about a 65-35 Male to female split. The club had a trendy vibe. Far gone are the days of back alley grungey strip clubs. This was something else. Revelers enjoyed drinks and chatted candidly to both their fellow attendees and the dancers. I planted myself next to a happily married couple, who as the night drew on became increasingly debaucherous with the strippers... and each other.

After a couple of routines, a new performer took to the stage. I was taken back, she was about my age - if not younger. A flicker of youth in her eyes (and her outfit), au natural ‘down there’ - she was dripping in confidence. She took to the pole in a leotard, her fair complexion was starkly different to the overly done up platinum blondes who had graced

the dance floor earlier. The girl oozed cool. Her refreshing look and incredible stage presence was astounding. After her routine was complete she flitted around the room conducting the usual tips routine. She plied the crowd with some quality banter and then she made her way over to me.

The dancer sat down and we began to chat. She had just completed her studies and had recently started working there as a means of repaying her student loan quicker. She got paid over $2000 for three nights’ work. We then went deeper, after discussing the seemingly conflicting nature of being a feminist in the stripping industry.

just to have someone to actually engage with. This was not only a sad reflection on the state of our society - that an individual has to pay to feel real human connection - it was a testament to the positive impact these workers have in society. There seems to be a double standard when it comes to the stripping industry. A group of lads, on a night out, going to a strip club is seen as an essential pit stop on the road to manhood. Being drunk is not a viable excuse for patronising, prodding and behaving in with an inappropriate pack mentality. Boys are praised for their macho stories of causing havoc in a strip club. Whereas, being a stripper is something we a taught to pity and ostracise. This isn’t just a one-sided issue - the judgment by other women was cited as just another dagger in the back for strippers. Shouldn’t we be lifting people up? Not slut-shaming.

She argued that she was willing to provide a service and people were willing to pay for said service. Listening intently, she went on to describe how stripping had helped her foster body confidence and self-acceptance. The girls working at the club weren’t all your cookie cutter size 8 busty broads, they were diverse, they were real.

Coming from a largely puritanical upbringing, I found her refreshing view eye-opening. She wasn’t an uneducated person with no way to make ends meet. She was educated, and she knew exactly what she was doing. Strippers are often empowered. They reject the idea that their sexuality is something that is to be repackaged and sold to us in the form of advertising for the male audience. They take back the right to do what they please with their own body yet they are punished for bearing the same amount of flesh that we are exposed to on a daily basis in advertisements for brands such as Burger King and American Apparel. We are continuously being supplied with images of the female body through advertising and social media channels. Yet whenever a female chooses to utilise their sexuality for profit their morals are questioned, their respect diminished, and they are deemed ‘easy’ and not ‘dating material’.

Many of her clients don’t even come for sexual stimulation, a large number come for her companionship. Her words made my heart sink. She recounted instances where individuals had no one else to talk to, so would pay for private sessions

The sterile nature in which we discuss sex work and stripping in the media further enforces this ideology. Dehumanising and demoralising strippers and sex workers won’t stop the work from occurring. If we are to improve the safety of both performers and customers we need to have open conversations about both the positives and the negatives. The skill needed to navigate the sexual politics of stripping is underestimated. Women can face significant social stigma due to their choice in career. But why?

Why can’t strippers be as celebrated as the patrons that visit them?

Not only can these women scale the vertical jumble gym, bend like a 12-year-old Russian contortionist, and chat up a storm to a diverse clientele - they do it all in heels.

So, please: next time you find yourself in a strip club, actually have a conversation with the dancers. Because they are just ordinary people who deserve respect.

By Katie Harris

I had always been under the impression that stripping was an ‘anti-feminist’ stronghold where women were on display like meat in a butcher, for men to eye up their best ‘cut’. I was wrong.

How to stop the stars from Twinkling

This issue we talked to Byron Engler, a PhD student in the electrical engineering department. Byron is studying adaptive optical systems for earth based telescopes. His PhD works to improve the ability of earthbound telescopes to image far off star systems. This research is a part of the next big step in search for exoplanets which is to directly image them.

There is a high probability that you have seen images from, or heard about, the Hubble space telescope. The biggest advantage of the Hubble, and other space telescopes like it, is that is does not have to look through our atmosphere at the stars they are trying to image and measure. Space telescopes are limited by their size though. It’s really hard to get anything big off the ground and into orbit.

While we can build enormous earth bound telescopes, the downside is that they have to look at the stars through our atmosphere. The atmosphere acts like an enormous fun house mirror which constantly changes and distorts how the stars look. This distortion is what most people would describe as “twinkling”. The tiny amount of light coming from these incredibly far off stars is so distorted by the atmosphere that any images are blurry and inaccurate.

If you can measure it, then you can correct for it. This is what adaptive optics does. An adaptive optics system measures the atmospheric distortion, and then adjusts its mirror to distort in exactly the opposite way! Byron has started his research this year. He is focusing on ways to better measure the atmospheric distortion, and faster ways to compute the cancellation mirror shape.“The atmosphere only stays constant for about 3 milli-seconds [0.003 seconds] depending on where you are in the world. The amount of processing power you need to calculate the correct mirror shape is huge. All of this calculation needs to be done before the atmosphere changes. The goal is to be able to do this huge calculation 3000 times every second to keep up with the atmosphere and get the sharpest images we can.“

Are you a PhD, masters, or honours student?

Do you want to have you research featured in CANTA? Tell us what makes your research exciting! Get in contact at info@ucpgsa.org

An artist rendering of the European Extremely Large Telescope deploying lasers for adaptive optics. Image credit: ESO/José Francisco

5 anonymous women

EXAMS

“Realistically does anyone stay sane around exams?”

“Trying to find time to work out keeps me somewhat sane around exams... And scheduling in time to relax!”

“I always save up some good T.V shows to watch after a long day studying. It helps my brain switch off.”

“My flatmates and I would watch a Jane Austen movie every night after studying all day. It was perfect,” *laughs*

“Taking breaks every half an hour or so during study, and staying off Facebook helps.”

“Schedule in time to go for a walk during your study days.”

“Yeah, setting a time to stop studying each night is good too, so you push yourself ‘till then.”

“Don’t turn into a vampire around exams. Vitamin D helps with sanity, I hear.”

“Having lots of comfort food helps. Sitting in bed sipping on a chamomile tea is bliss.”

“Yeah...oh, and having some good relaxing music is good too.”

“Having quiet time is good! Sometimes I would just stare at the wall, haha...but it was good because it wasn’t a screen or a book!”

“Normal sleeping and exercise schedules are a must.”

“Your brain won’t work if you don’t help it!”

“Stock up on food! I spend so much time studying and I forget to eat so when I go home I pig out like there’s no tomorrow.”

“Having friend support is so important in exams, otherwise depression would take over!”

“It’s so hard to prioritise health during exams.”

“I always reduce work hours to help lower stress.”

“If you need a day off, take it.”

“Even if you only spend five minutes every hour studying it’s still better than nothing!”

“Yeah. Don’t feel guilty about focusing on your health during exams.”

“Your mental health is super important too!”

“If you’re reaching full on stress mode, it’s good to just breath and ask for help! Ring a friend or family member.”

“Make some pamper time for yourself too I reckon. Feeling extra slobby doesn’t help the motivation.”

”I reckon you need to plan a study space before study week too so you know your go to. The worst when you can’t find a good spot to study and your exam is in a couple of days!”

“I always remind myself why I have to study and to think about the end goals. I envision seeing those as motivation to study.”

”If your health is going to deteriorate, it will happen in exam time.”

”100% never skip out on showers... seeing sunlight also helps.”

This weeks topic: HOW TO STAY SANE AROUND

THE F-WORD Episode 5

This week’s ‘Ask a feminist’ question: “Why do we need feminism in 2017?”

We live in a highly gendered world. Right from our birth (or even before it) parents, society, schools, peers etc segregate us based on our expected interests, characteristics and lifestyle --determined by genitalia-before we can have a say on it. This is limiting for all genders, more so to women and trans-people, as our society is structured in favour of heterosexual cismales.

Girls and women are expected to undertake home and family related roles, more so than men are. As a result of these expectations, it becomes difficult, for instance, for girls to envision and pursue interests in areas traditionally thought of as male bastions. At university, this is reflected in the number of women enrolling to science and engineering and the number of men enrolling in arts and social work courses. We believe these expectations need to be questioned.

Violence: Even in 2017, women form the overwhelming majority of domestic violence victims. In Aotearoa New Zealand, 1/3rd of women experience violence from their intimate partners. Similarly, the gender divide in suicide is also significant.

A majority of those who commit suicide are men. Scholarly analyses link these phenomena with expected gender roles. For instance, men are generally expected to be tough and ‘in control’ within family structures. Similarly, men are dissuaded from expressing emotions from a very young age.

These issues, among many others, are the reasons why we need feminism today.

A BEER REVIEW

I recently received a snap from a mate. This is a guy who I would knock back the bottles with while studying, get up to mischief and generally do stupid shit with outside of, and subsequently be late for, lectures. It helped us expand social circles, approach people we never would have dared, dance to terrible music and generally be a pest to society, respectable noise limits in the neighbourhood and Foo San’s and Big Gary’s inevitably declining interiors.

I later met my partner and did different things to entertain myself and her as we got to know each other and ourselves. Getting away from the drink did wonders for many reasons. Not that we never drink anymore, I have recently been spotted knocking shots back at Mickey Finns and singing Wagon Wheel appallingly.

Quick fact: Those who continue drinking heavily and frequently past 23-25 years of age go on to become dependent on alcohol, or further to alcoholism.

Back to my mate. Late twenties. Cardboard beer box depicted in his snap chat, captioned: “Not a bad drop. Some good yarns on the box”

Are you fecking kidding me? Its Saturday at noon and this is not out of the ordinary for him. He must have been sitting there, looking at his stupid beer and thought to himself. “I’m going to review this in 10 words or less and tell all my friends what I think about it.”

Fuck me. Seriously. Of all the things you could be doing in the world? Really!? A review, is fine. But reviewing a generic supermarket box of beer at noon on a Saturday in your late twenties half pissed is sad. Really sad.

I like the beer he’s drinking. Yes, it does have funny stuff on the box. Yes, it is marketed well. Even backed by a radio presenter to boot. But I would not choose to publicize my drink and analysis of choice to the world during a session. Is drinking like that so boring you resort to poor journalism? Is that really how you want to spend your days? Your life? Looking at the bottle? I don’t. It saddens me that others do, what were good friends, will continue to do the same old song and dance for what looks like the rest of their lives.

So, go ahead, have a good time; because they are! But remember that there are reasons people don’t drink like they do at uni for the rest of their lives, and they may well shoot sore looks at you (partly out of envy, partly longing for a forgotten youth, partly miserable git). Enjoy yourselves, but don’t forget what else is out there, waiting for you to discover. Quick clue, it’s not another beer box.

Hard yards

see it early in life, it is ‘The Shining’. Most horror movies use the generic ghost to scare you. Not ‘The Shining’. This film uses the most unconventional tactics to scare you and succeeds big time.This film is the reason why I freak out when I am walking alone on long corridors. It is the reason why I am scared of twins and tricycles. It is also why I’ll never venture into any sanctuary space which is labelled 237.

I love bathtubs but every time I try to stepping into one I take a zillion deep breaths to make sure there is no invisible entity already in there.

was even said by Jack Nicholson, “the hardest role anyone has ever had to play.”

The protagonist writes ‘REDRUM’ on a door in one of the scenes. It reads ‘MURDER’ when you reverse it but ‘REDRUM’ could be pronounced as ‘Red Room’ which indirectly justifies the movie’s (un)intentional obsession with the color. Very few films are as ‘red’ as ‘The Shining’. Yes, you will see this color so much in this film that you might actually call it the ‘red’ film. Be it blood or the color of the floors of the hotel, there is red everywhere... even in the font of this review ;)

Controversial or alternate theory on the storyline:

The UC Film Club put in the hours watching classic ‘must watch films’ so that you can pretend you are cultured.

Movie details: The Shining (1980)

Why should I pretend I’ve seen this film?

The Shining is widely accepted as one of Kubrick’s finer works and will earn you brownie points with any classic horror movie lovers. If every time you book yourself a hotel room in a large hotel, and you choose not to stay in Room Number 237 or even feel weird when you pass by a room with that number, you have definitely seen ‘The Shining’. It’s a film that holds it own more than 35 years after it’s release.

One sentence sum up of the plot: Wannabe writer comes to a hotel with his family and gets brainwashed by some ghosts to unleash an extremely insidious form of terror.

What makes this film a classic: If there is one movie that can actually challenge your psyche especially if you

Give us some facts about this movie I can impress someone with:

The Overlook Hotel which served as the venue for all the scary entertainment is actually the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park in Colorado. If you’ve been to this place and returned in a single piece, let me know about your experience!

The maze depicted in the film might have been fake but the Stanley Hotel actually built a maze in 2015 to actually make the visitor feel closer to the film.

Shelley Duvall, who plays Wendy Torrance in the film, was physically and mentally pushed to the brink during the making of this film. Kubrick and Duvall would often become very frustrated with each other. The most obvious example is when Kubrick shot the famous ‘baseball bat scene’ with Duvall and Nicholson 127 times, which is the world record for most number of takes in any film set. The role of Wendy Torrance

I have a weird feeling the protagonist was already a mad man before he entered the hotel. It’s very easy to blame the ghosts but the ghosts can only scare you so much. This man was a psychological patient . And I presume his son would later grow up to be like him.

There’s also the theory that the enitre film is a giant metaphor for mental illness, with the hotel being the mind, and the movie characters the different aspects of illness.

By Reo Roy

HonourableWemention! have a voucheyvouch Contactforyou:) us!

ContactWELOVEYOU! CANTA, you’vewonyourself abeautyvoucher! TREATYOSELFx

GIG GUIDE

Stink Magnetic LP Release : Tape Wolf, Tender Moonlight Bad Evil

The Dirty Germs

Fri 19th May

Location

Darkroom

Tickets

R18 - Door sales only

TRUTH – ALBUM RELEASE PARTY

Sat 10th June

Location 153 Madras Street

Venue

Winnie Bagoes City

Tickets

$25 + booking fee

Available from Cosmic

Slumberjack review

As I walked into The Foundry I felt all levels of excitement smack me in the face. Slumberjack were a duo I had never seen before, so I liked the idea of diving straight into their gig without having listened to them before.

The atmosphere was definitely buzzing, with all different age groups out to watch the duo perform their way through the night. Although it did take them a while to get on stage, I felt excited with all the music they played. The night ran smoothly and the audience definitely seemed to enjoy themselves.

The Foundry often run really great concerts, and this was definitely no exception. The bass was loud, the people were dancing, and the drinks kept flowing.

It was definitely a night I would like to relive, what an awesome gig!

– Wajd- El Matary

The Eastern with special guests

Luckless and Ravens

Thu 25th May

Location

The Tannery, 3 Garlands Road

Venue

Blue Smoke Tickets

Available from Eventfinda

Neil deGrasse

Tyson: A Cosmic Perspective

Tue 4th May

Location

Horncastle Arena

Tickets

Available from Ticketek

SOAKED OATS REVIEW

The release party for the Oats’ new EP ‘Stone Fruit Melodies’ was hectic to say the least. A fusion of delicious tunes hitting the back of your throat with a beautiful mixture of musical instrumentals and sexy vocals made this was one heck of a gig - and some! The aptly titled album brings out some serious grins and leaves you wanting more sweet nectar to pour over your porridge in the evening. The musical talents of Henry (guitarist/vocals) shine through, while Max (bassist) vibes away, and Corn (drums) produces delightful fills that could knock the socks off your kankles. The lyrics of vocalist/ guitarist, Oscar, blend the entire band together into one cheeky yet delightful smoothie to keep you going through the night. TuneSoc is definitely looking forward to hearing more from Soaked Oats in the future!

Release your inner #peach and pay the new EP a visit on Spotify/Bandcamp. You won’t regret the visit.

– Hayden Slaughter

facebook.com/Tunesoc

TuneSoc are delighted to present the inaugural Battle of The Bands competition, being held on the 20th of May at the Foundry! A total of 14 bands have come down with a bad case of stick-it-to-da-maniosis, plagued with a strong desire to sing out “you’re a fat loser and you have body odour.” And we’re excited to bring the top eight to you! Get ready to get your faces melted off on the night with UC’s finest musicians come together (at least the ones who weren’t kicked out of their own band) to tell the stories of their UC experiences. Like the time they got rejected even though they sent in a UC complement, or that crazy time they forgot to pay rent.

Saddles

Desifinado Mansions

Guy Dooney and the Battlers

The Reconstruction Green Tee

James and the immigrants Matt Slaughter and the Merchants

The Panda Genome Project Occasional Bangers

The Reuben Ishrahm Band

The Blitzkriegs

Fall of Them

MAKO ROAD

For the last two years, The GC and CUBA have been responsible for what can be easily called the largest, brightest and greatest night of the year at the Foundry, the infamous FULL MOON PARTY. This event is huge. We truck in an insane amount of lights, colour and UV glow for the ultimate doof rave masterpiece. Based off the world famous Full Moon Parties of Ko Pha Ngan, we bring those sandy shores right to you at your favourite watering hole, The Foundry. Headlining the night is LUUDE (AUS), a huge name in the scene. You don’t want to miss thisone folks. Get your tickets now as this is always a sell out and you don’t want to be left hanging like these guys last year...

Holiday combos

Whether you want to relax, party, have an adventure or treat yourself, we’ve got it all sorted with your flights, accommodation, transfers and activities.

Hawaii • Fiji • Rarotonga • Bali • Phuket + more FROM $899 PER PERSON

STA TRAVEL RICCARTON & NORTHLANDS MALL 0508 STA Travel riccarton@statravel.com northlands@statravel.com

LUCKY DIp

ONE SIDE

Throughout my four years at UC, I had never had the pleasure of going on a date with a real girl. So, when I heard about the GC’s new blind date initiative, I jumped on the opportunity and put my name forward. After weeks and weeks of waiting impatiently I finally got the call. It was on.

As per, I arrived at 7 pm on the dot to meet whom I hoped would be my future girlfriend/wife and mother of my children. She was 7 minutes late. That’s strike one. Already our date is not off to a good start.

I forced her tardy behavior to the back of my mind, and presented her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers that I had arranged. She smiled. Instant success.

We danced the awkward dance of trying to work out if we had any mutual friends... None, this isn’t going anywhere quickly, definitely not off to a good start. Only ten minutes into the date and the conversation was lacking already, that’s strike two.

There was a brief glimmer of hope shining through all the shit, when I managed to extract that she was studying engineering, a very promising degree with a good source of income. I became excited and optimistic about fulfilling my life long dreams of being a stay at home Dad! But this positivity did not last long.

Strike three, the worst offence so far. After all the awkward chit chat and many long pauses, the dinner menus were presented to us. Thank god. Food. I was rather hungry and started looking at all the options. My date, left the menu unopened and immediately ordered seafood pizza. Unbelievable, I had to stop myself from getting up and leaving then and there. That was it, as far as I was concerned the date was over. But as my Nan taught me, you must always be respectful to women. So, I calmly sat it out, made polite/awkward small talk for another twenty minutes and thanked her for a lovely evening. I informed her that this was where the night was to end, just in case she thought I was that kind of guy and put out on the first date. And that was my first and only ever experience of a real date with a girl.

THE OTHER SIDE

On Thursday night, I volunteered myself for a blind date, just to spice up my love life a bit.

I’ve been suffering through a bit of a drought recently so wanted to put myself out there. My flat mates helped me all afternoon to get ready. We picked out a lovely floral dress which my flatmates said complemented my figure. My flatmates are the best.

All of a sudden it was time to go, butterflies erupted through my stomach. When I walked in the room I instantly knew who my date was.

He was dashing, brown hair, cute puppy dog eyes. Just how I like a man. He had brought me some flowers, that I’ve kept next to my bed. The conversation flowed; we discussed civil engineering, mutual friends and I thought there was a very obvious physical attraction between us. But before the attraction had a chance to blossom, he dropped a bombshell on me.... he was moving to Australia in a week.

That meant no luck for the future between my anonymous romance and I. Instead I finished the night by drinking a few too many wines and going home to finish my assignment that was yet to be started. Not the end I was looking for unfortunately. But just a word to all you lonely women out there, I would so recommend an experience like this. It was a night of nights to remember and I would personally like to the thank the GC and Spags for putting on such an occasion for myself. Hopefully, I meet the man of my dreams sometime soon. I’ll be out looking for my very own prince charming. If anyone wants an unforgettable date with me, I regularly attend Mono and do not mind a cute fresher.

HOW IT WORKS: Two strangers, free dinner and drinks at Spags, and a written summary from each person that we broadcast to the world.

Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed...

GERI’S DEPARTURE FROM THE SPICE GIRLS

In the days leading up to the official announcement on the 31st of May 1998, Geri Halliwell left the Spice Girls due to depression and differences within the group. Geri’s departure occurred during the European leg of the Spiceworld tour.

Prince Charles wrote to Geri saying: “The group will not be the same without you.”

COLOUR ME IN MAZE