CANTA ISSUE 1, 2019

CONTENTS PAGE

JULIET PETER AND THE ART OF SATIRE

BROKEN NEWS ORI 2019 SPECIAL

BEN APPETIT BIG GARY’S

FLAT FAMOUS GENTLEMAN’S RETREAT

LIL’ YACHTY TOTAL COP OUT

ORIENTATION 2019 CALENDAR

JUST THE TIP GUIDE TO ORI 2019

FUSH ON CAMPUS WAKA

ADVENTURES FROM THE SOUTH

LUCKY DIP

CONTRIBUTORS

JOSHUA BROSNAHAN

CONOR JONES

LIAM DONNELLY

LIAM STRETCH

BEN O’CONNELL

KELLY PHILLIPS

LEWIS HOBAN

JAVA KATZUR

NATHAN JAMES

SPANKY MOORE

ASHER ETHERINGTON

JADE DOGLIONE

SAM GIBSON

LETTERS EDITOR TO THE

Dear Canta,

When I was 16, that’s when it first hit me. College dorm room became my safe haven. I didn’t know why I wanted to stay in bed and had no energy to do normal s*%#. All I could manage was watching the OC for hours straight and losing any sense of time. When I was 19, sitting on a beach in the tropical campus I called home, I didn’t want to go to class anymore. I freaked my roommate out being an inert mass taking up space in my bed, occasionally rising to use the bathroom or take a bit of the apple in the fridge. When I was 22, working in job and company I truly enjoyed, with people who became good friends and colleagues, I just felt like stopping to come in to work one day. I didn’t enjoy seeing people I work with or remotely care about all the responsibilities I had to do. And so it went. Job after job lost because the grip of

this dark black abyss wouldn’t let me function like a normal human being doing the most basic things to just live. When I was 30, it was finally time. Time to accept and unburden to the right professionals and people just how all the waves of anxiety and depression and insomnia have ruined parts of my life. And it was time to clearly see that this vicious cycle needed to end. To anyone who has or struggles with anything affecting your mental health, don’t be a martyr. Don’t waste years or months of your life. When you first feel the changes, fits of crying for no reason, whatever it is. Find someone. Get help and it doesn’t matter from where or whom, but just get yourself better.

LETTERS EDITOR TO LETTERTHE OF THE WEEK

Hi CANTA,

I’d like to start a club for the band The Veronicas. No one has contributed more to modern day music more than Jess and Lisa Origliasso. They’re like if Steve Irwin had twins with Avril Lavigne. This letter is to prompt other Veronicas on campus to make themselves known so we can form our own Veroniclub. Email the club on aussietwinemolove@ hotmail.co.nz

President Roni

Hello Roni,

Well I for one, stand in solidaritywith you on this. The humble violin was SOLELY created for the iconic riff in Untouched. I can’t wait to see you all rawrrr and XD through your first meet up. Send us a message – we’ve got a $50voucherfora UCSAcafé foryou to spend. Just promise me you won’t spend it all on muffins and sit inconveniently on the floor in Undercroft in a circle.

CANTA

Dear Canta,

Have you seen Lawsoc’s new logo?

I think they have a case of an identity crisis – I thought they were St John.

The smiling snake is off-putting, to say the least, and looks like it was drawn by a three-year-old as part of the creative time at kindergarten.

It is fitting though; a sly smiling snake really does sum up law students.

From, Definitely not a criminal justice student

Hi Definitely,

Oh wow, yeah. I mean, everyone loves a happy snake, I guess. I would have appreciated details around the eye region but HEYnot everyone is an artist. Fun fact: did you know most jobs in Lawwill be completely overrun by software within 20 years? I’m glad they’re proficient at drawing as well. It’s a skill that might come in for handy writing blackboards in cafes in 2039. Do you think blackboards will exist? Stay tuned, I guess.

PS – LAW CAMP 2019! 8th-10th March.

Dear CANTA

Why don’t we have more Limes on campus?

Whenever I need a Lime I can never seem to find one. Is this not the most perfect place to have them? They’re cheap and practical, and students are poor therefore they’re the best way to get around. Could CANTA start rallying to get more Limes put on campus?

Thanks, Lemon.

Hi Lemon,

We’ve actually hidden all the Limes from you because the last time you logged your Lime off, the photo depicted you with part of the Lime handle up your bottom.

This is your final warning to adhere to your restraining order put in place. I’m sick of touching greasy Lime handles.

CANTA

CANTA

NEWS NEWS

Professor de la Rey is well experienced in this field. Before her appointment to UC, she previously served as Vice-Chancellor and Principal of the University of Pretoria, South Africa’s largest university.

As well as being a VC, Professor de la Rey has also held the position Deputy Vice-Chancellor at the University of Cape Town, as well as the Executive Director at the National Research Foundation, and CEO of the Council on Higher Education.

Professor de la Rey has gained a reputation as a visionary and strategic thinker, which is accompanied by her strong management ability, UC is thrilled to have her at the helm!

As 2019 starts, we’re excited to welcome Professor Cheryl de la Rey to UC, as she begins her term as our new ViceChancellor (Tumu Whakarae).

UCSA : NEW LOGO

UCSA’S New Logo

The logo mark has been designed as an iconic representation of the flow of the Haere-Roa through the University Campus. The meandering Haere-roa, spring-source of the Otakaro, flowing through University Campus

Our tagline is based on Tangata tu, tangata ora used UC-wide, and that in turn is based on a whakatauki/ proverb: Tama tu tama ora, tama noho, tama mate.

The meaning: ‘the working or active person flourishes, the idle one suffers’ (or goes hungry). It carries the message: be proactive, stand up and do something about your future and you will do well.

Haere-roa embodies the tribal tenets of manaakitanga. It recognises UCSA as a place for all people to be welcomed, to rest, to be hosted and to receive sustenance. For many, UCSA will be a marker in their journey, it will be a place they stop to contemplate, replenish, and prepare for the next part of the journey.

Mid 2000’s 2019

Kia ora friends,

Welcome Back

Weeeeeellllllcome back to uni for 2019 - hopefully you had great break. If you’re new to UC and/or you’ve just arrived in NZ to study here - an extra special welcome to you, we are super excited to have you on board. All good if you’re feeling a bit freaked – UC is a big place with tonnes of new faces around.

The good news is UCSA’s here to help - it stands for the University of Canterbury Students’ Association. We’re behind tonnes of O-Week events on campus to help you ease in such as: Kia Ora Bro, Summerstein, Mardi Gras, Summer Starter, and Clubs Days.

Looking past Orientation - when reality starts kickin’ in, UCSA offers a heap of useful services to help you in everyday life. We run a subsidised dental scheme, advocacy services, and financial hardship assistance to help keep you covered.

2019 is going to be great. At the moment, UCSA is constructing its very own building especially for YOU. It’s called Haere-roa and it’s opening in Semester 2. The new Foundry Bar will be in there, there’s a new performing arts theatre, space for clubs, an outdoor amphitheatre, a movie room plus so much more - get set.

This also ties in nicely with 2019 being the UCSA’s 125th anniversary. Did you know we’ve been around since 1894? Heck! They’ll be events and celebrations you can get involved with in Semester 2 - so look out.

If you’re returning, you might have also noticed a few more people on campus - the Rehua building (next to C block lecture theatres) has finally opened meaning our Education friends are on Ilam campus for the first time ever - so welcome after what’s been a long wait.

That’s all for now. If you are a newbie, or even if you’d like some helpful tips to help to tackle the uni year, we thought we’d finish by presenting you with our ‘New To UC Starter Pack’. Follow these tips and you’ll be up and running in no time. Stay safe, look after your mates and have a bloody good 2019.

Cheers, Sam Brosnahan (President), Tori McNoe (Vice President) & Millie Morgan (Finance Officer).

YOUR UCSA NEW-TO-UC STARTER PACK:

1. Enrol for the Health Centre (free to sign up and subsidised by your Student Services Levy that you’ve already paid with your fees). In 2019, most of your GP visits will be free if you also apply for a Community Services card.

2. Register for the Rec Centre, even if you aren’t a fitness fiend there is lots for you to do here! (fully-subsidised by Levy).

3. Put this UC Security emergency number straight into your contacts 0800 823 637.

4. Sign up for a UCSA V Plate (food deals at UCSA food outlets on campus).

5. Follow Juicy Memes for UC Teens on FB (you won’t regret it).

6. Join the UCSA noticeboard FB page (good place for students to buy/sell stuff, general student/club notices).

7. Head to Clubs Day on 19th & 20th Feb on central campus and sign up to some clubs - some are paid memberships but many are also free.

8. Experience the wonder of Mono (what’s a ‘Mono’, you ask? I’ll let you discover this for yourself).

9. Follow Free Food Society on FB.

10. Follow UC Textbooks: Buy, Sell and Trade on FB

11. Bring your UC ID everywhere.

12. Grab a Keep Cup! You’ll get discount off hot drinks at UCSA cafés.

SamBrosnahan(left),MillieMorgan(middle), ToriMcNoe(right)

JULIET PETER

and the Art of Satire

BY: KELLY PHILLIPS

Juliet Peter was talented in many things; pottery, print-making, painting and illustration. But before any of these things, she was an art student at Canterbury College who enjoyed publishing caricatures in CANTA magazine.

Juliet Peter, Untitled [Portrait of Cecil Kelly], c. 1930 UC-MBL-1902, UC Art Collection

Reproduced with permission

Peter was born in 1915 and grew up on a farm outside Ashburton. After the death of her mother, the family moved to England until the financial downturn of the 1930s saw them return to New Zealand. Peter credits a kindly aunt for recognising her artistic talent and encouraging her to study at Canterbury.

When Peter entered the programme around 1935, the focus was on getting students to reproduce 19th century European masterpieces and paint scenes to look like a photograph. This didn’t interest Peter very much as she strove to add her own unique perspective to her work.

Felicity Milburn curated a recent showing of Peter’s work at the Christchurch Art Gallery entitled, Juliet Peter:Where the Line Leads. She said caricature sketches were part of the formal academic process during Peter’s time at Canterbury College and her work reflected both her sense of humour and frustration with some of her professors.

In a 2006 interview with Damian Skinner,

Peter said, “the head of the school was the awful Richard Wallwork whom I detested. I waged warfare with him the whole time I was there.”

Part of her warfare scheme was to lampoon the hated Wallwork in CANTA magazine. Others were given a gentler treatment such as Sketch Club member Ian Ainsley and professor Cecil Kelly (whom she still found a bit boring).

During the outbreak of World War II, Peter made several works portraying the “Landgirls” who took over men’s jobs while they served in the military. These pieces are notable for their depiction of women as the central subject in scenes of tractor driving, shearing and mustering. One painting entitled “Portrait of a Landgirl (Ann Ensor at Rydal Downs)” depicts a woman absorbed in a book during a moment of relaxation. She holds a cigarette in one hand while a loyal working dog lays at her back. Her clothing and physique seem almost masculine, but her hair is worn in feminine waves. Of all the pieces she curated, Milburn

particularly admired this work for showing a woman in her own space enjoying her time on her own terms.

Peter would go on to do illustrations for the New Zealand School Journal and the New Zealand Listener. She travelled to London with her husband Roy Cowan in the early 1950s and began making lithographic prints. When she returned to New Zealand, she and Cowan began doing ceramics and further work with the lithographic press.

Her artistic peers were such luminaries as Rita Angus, Olivia Spencer Bower and Doris Lusk.

In honour of Juliet Peter’s former work for CANTA we are bringing back satirical cartoons. Students are encouraged to submit work and keep our fine tradition of caricature alive and well.

CANTA’S BROKEN NEWS

UCSA Rebrands Orientation as Fyre Festival

UCSA has announced that its Orientation event line up will now be rebranded as Fyre Festival.

After a recent surge in popularity for Fyre Festival due to the release of a Netflix documentary, UCSA management made the decision to rebrand and move events to the Bahamas.

“After it became apparent to us how popular this ‘Fyre Festival’ was, we discovered the name was no longer trademarked and we knew we had to use it,” said a UCSA spokesperson

“We were practically sitting on a pot of gold!”

The UCSA is unable to determine the cause of low ticket sales.

Middle-aged Events Team Accidentally Book Small Yacht Instead of Lil’ Yachty

UCSA Events team were left red-faced after discovering their main act was a water-based vehicle.

“We had heard everyone talking about this little yachty and how popular he was. So we tried finding the right yachty and booking him for O-Week.”

Lil’ Yachty is one of the biggest acts to play O-Week in recent years, with sales reportedly going through the roof since his announcement.

When announced, students were reportedly “losing their shit”.

“We just thought his logo was a yacht, not that it actually was one,” said a UCSA spokesperson.

If anyone wants a yacht, there’s now one on Ilam Fields.

UC partner with SaveMart for 2019 Range of Apparel

The University of Canterbury has announced that it is partnering with SaveMart for 2019 to offer its range of UC-branded apparel.

“The University of Canterbury is very proud to announce today that it is partnering with SaveMart to offer 2019’s range of apparel, offering the hottest and latest trends in university pride,” UC announced in a press release

UC is expected to just sow their logo onto anything it thinks student might buy.

“We found that students will buy just about anything that someone died in 20 years ago.”

Hanmer Trip Not Worth 3-Month Anniversary Instagram Post

Three months after their trip to Hanmer, a student has posted a ‘Three month anniversary’ image on Instagram.

The image, which featured a group of students standing in a thermal spa pool, was captioned “3-month anniversary throwback! Take me back to Hanmer when life was so much easier. I’m missing my girls so much #squadgoals #fitspo”

Some people tagged in the post were alarmed, stating that they hadn’t expected the day-trip to resurface on social media.

“We were only there for a few hours, so I was surprised that it got an anniversary post. I had for gotten about it to be honest.”

CANTA could not reach the student for comment, however it is reported that her life has not got any more difficult since the photo was taken.

Furry Enthusiast Mistaken for Husky During LAWSOC Event

A furry enthusiast student has had a case of mistaken identity after being drafted into one of LAWSOC’s huskie events.

LAWSOC, who are known for organising huskie visits to campus, leashed up the furry after believing he was an escaped huskie.

“I was just in my usual furry attire when I saw a bunch of law students yelling and chasing after me. Next thing I know, I’m in a leash next to a bunch of huskies with heaps of people patting me,” said the anthropomorphic animal lover.

“It didn’t even cross our mind someone could have dressed up as a furry animal. We just thought we saw a huskie off his leash, so we weren’t taking any chances,” said a LAWSOC spokesperson.

The mistaken identity was discovered after it was noticed the furry was enjoying it way too much.

HISTORY OF ORIENTATION

Orientation is one of the most colourful and eventful periods of the year on campus. Many of the biggest moments in UC’s history have happened during Orientation.

Thus, CANTA has taken a deep dive into this long-running event and uncovered key moments in Orientation’s history…

1215 - The first ever Orientation Week takes place in 1215 following the signing of the Magna Carta.

1348 - Despite Black Death being extremely prevalent, O-Week was a roaring success, with a lower-thanexpected death rate of only 57%.

1665 - Newton’s discovery of gravity was all the rage in 1665. Students all did Straight-arms in honour of gravitational pull.

1519 - Due to The Reformation, O-Week 1519 was marred by fights and conflict. The main event that year was the Catholics Vs Protestants Battle Rap.

1784 - Beethoven’s first works arrived in New Zealand. O-Week 1784 was lit with the sounds of bangers such as Kurfurstensonatas, and Schilderung eines Madchens.

ORIENTATION

1841 - The first O-Week following the Treaty of Waitangi. Famed for a game of ‘Capture the Flag’ where the British flag was burnt 461 times.

1914 - The main act, ArchDuke Franz Ferdinand, was shot and killed while DJing at Summerstein, sparking the start of World War 1.

1930 - First O-Week during the Great Depression, it had a budget of £3. Despite that, the Flour & Water Party was a rager.

1963 - The surprise act, US President John Kennedy, was assassinated in his Lincoln Continental Convertible while delivering a batch of kegs.

1998 - With the invention of Google in 1998, O-Week was subsequently cancelled because everyone was pre-occupied with discovering porn.

2009 - Jimmy ‘MoshPotato’ McDougall successfully moshes for 12 hours straight, breaking the all-time UC moshpit record. He is never seen attending a lecture again.

2017 - Rapper, 50 Cent, pulls out of O-Week leaving a gap in the musical line-up. Riots ensued when the audience discovered his replacement was the Dean of Law.

CLUB PROMOTER

PROFILING THE BEST CLUBS AND CLUB EVENTS ON CAMPUS

CLUB PROMOTER

Are you trying to avoid putting on your fresher five? Or do you want to keep in shape to nab a cheeky pull at mono? Maybe you’re even an ex-high-school-jock who these days would rather finish a keg-race than a running race? Whatever the story, we have the perfect club for you! UCASS brings you events that give you the opportunity to get out on the pitch, have a few brews on the sideline - or both. In all seriousness this club is a great way to get moving and meet some fantastic new people without the pressure of being at a certain level of performance (like a lot of the other sports clubs). With a range of events on the cards, UCASS is the best new club on the scene. Don’t miss out, check out UCASS on Facebook and Instagram, and sign up to be a part of this cheeky bunch on Clubs Day 2019.

UC Amateur Sports Society; Because being a pro is overrated.

Facebook.com/PlaySportsSinkPissMakeMates

Motosoc is your go-to club for anything motor related. We host a huge range of events throughout the year. Whether you’re interested in racing cars, riding motorbikes, boating, 4WDing, or even just social meetups and scenic drives, we’ve got something for you. Motosoc members get discounts to all of our events (including the cheapest track days in the country), and discounts at various automotive stores in Christchurch. With over 30 events planned for 2019 so far (and more to come!), this year will be bigger and better than ever before. No vehicle or engine knowledge is required to join, so come along and see us at clubs day to see what we have to offer.

Facebook: @motosoc.uoc

Instagram:motosoc_canterbury

Email:motosoc.uoc@gmail.com

At Varsity Dance we offer opportunities for a wide range of dance abilities, from beginner’s classes, to an advanced audition-entry dance team who have won competitions. We offer a fun, supportive, and FREE learning environment no matter your dance ability. We have small events throughout the year like social evenings and quiz nights, and we put on an end of year show and a mid-year showcase. We also try to book other events as often as possible, so there is always a chance to perform!

FB:facebook.com/varsitydanceuc

IG:@varsitydanceuc

varsitydanceuc@gmail.com

UCWIL – University of Canterbury Women in Law

Amal Clooney, Elle Woods, Hillary Clinton, all have one thing in common – they’re high flying, influential, boss-ass women in law. Here in New Zealand and at UC we have so many of our own amazing women studying law or working in the legal community. UC Women In Law (UCWIL) aims to foster networks between these women, celebrate women’s achievements, and ensure we all live our Legally Blonde dreams. If you’re not a “woman” don’t be put off! We do everything in the spirit of inclusivity, host some truly LIT events for all genders and students to enjoy (as well as super useful educational gatherings) and like all women, we love a hot male.

Check us out on Facebook and at Clubs Day!

Facebook: facebook.com/UCWIL

Get ready to set those vocal folds vibrating because this club is gonna be the talk of the town! This is SpeechSoc; a social club for Speech Language/Audiology students, and all others at UC! We will hold social, educational, and fundraising events throughout the year. Whether you’re a speech therapy student, want to know what we do, or you’re just ready to get lit like a stroboscopy, this is the club for you!

Email:speechsoc@outlook.com

Facebook:/speechsoc

QCanterbury’s primary mandate is to be a safe social place for sexuality and gender diverse community to meet. Essentially, we want to do our part to foster a welcoming and comfortable environment on campus that supports and accepts students of all spiritual, cultural, and identity-related backgrounds. We’re also committed to raising awareness in a variety of contexts regarding not only the visibility of different sexualities, gender identities, and romantic orientations but how each of these function alongside other aspects of our lives. We have a wide variety of events throughout the year, and we encourage the community to get involved!

Email:qcanterburyuc@gmail.com

Our club aims to promote anime on campus, explore and discuss different genres of anime and represent the otaku subculture on campus. We work hard to provide a great place for anyone who likes anime to hang out with like-minded people. Every Tuesday we meet to watch all sorts of shows, so you should definitely come along! We also do movie nights, quiz nights, and go to events together.

Contact Details:

Email: exec@animesoc.com

Website: animesoc.com

Facebook:AnimeSocUC

BIG GARY’S

BY: BEN O’CONNELL

I’ve ran out of places to eat at so the column is over. Psych. You wish.

Welcome to this week’s edition of Ben Appetit, the first installment where I venture into the big wide world and eat at places around campus.

APPETIT BEN BEN APPETIT

To kickstart the year, I headed to local guilty pleasure Big Gary’s.

I saw a post on Big Gary’s Facebook page saying they’d be reopening their doors for the first time since New Year’s on January 8th. It was January 8th, and long story short I was the first customer they served all year (at least I take I was). Yes this was written in advance, in fact I’m writing this in Chile as part of the summer school paper ECON228. I mean to brag.

Big Gary’s is more than a fish and chip shop. Its Riccarton Road location has solidified itself as a drunk student goto. Instead of having that one wall-mounted fish disc game nobody would play, there are legit arcade machines. Displayed on televisions is an extensive menu that’s impossible to miss, complete with bootleg versions of your favorite burgers such as the Whobbler.

I got the Veganlicious burger (because I cater for all tastes xoxo), the Bug Burger, (because why not, and it’s basically a Whobbler anyway just without mayo and pineapple), and the munchies combo deal. The munchies combo had a small chips, 2 potato fritters, 2 chicken nuggets, 2 mini spring rolls, and 2 onion rings for the reasonable price of $9.90. The entire meal cost around $30 and pleasingly came out very quickly.

The vegan burger is just as thick and foul and greasy as a meat one would be. People expect vegan food to be fresher or lighter than other food, but this burger truly gives the #vegang a taste of omnivorous life. The bug burger had an unusual crunch and nutty flavour, but other than that, any shock from it being bugs is solely psychological. It’s just as good as the vegan burger (but I prefer the McGary over both, just sayin’). Both the vegan and bug burgers were drowning in barbecue sauce, a fact I remain unsure about. The nuggets were everything you’d expect, the whole salty lot was really. The new year meant new oil, so the fries were fresh and crisp. In a post-Mono setting I probably would’ve anaerobically scoffed the entire munchies bag down in 2.2 seconds.

Big Gary’s is iconic, but not because of the food. If their counterpart meme page @ biggazzaa is anything indication, Big Gary’s is loved for its relationship with customers, the dope staff and its captivating online presence. Granted, I visited the Big Gay’s at 5:08pm. I should probably head back at 1:08am on a Thursday if only for science.

BEHIND THE COUNTER

Big Gary’s cannot be mentioned without acknowledging the fine establishment’s owners, Lisa and Mark.

Lisa’s loud, enthusiastic voice always greets customers upon entry, makingyou feel like a part of their fast-food family.

Behind the scenes, Mark is the man getting things cooked. Sometimes dealing with a million orders at once. He’s a boss who can handle it all.

BEN APPETIT

Lisa and Markwill do anything in the name of students.They love student culture, student events, student shenanigans, and theymake crazyfood for students too!

From Bloodyguts, to DohBurgers, to Giant Hotdogs. Big Gary’s has a crazyand colourful menu all concocted byLisa and Mark and foryour entertainment.

Theygo above and beyond for their customers. Competitions, giveaways, weeklyvideos... Lisa and Mark love interacting with their customers.

Remember tovisit Big Gary’s, and give a big hello to Lisa and Mark.

ANTI

PHOTOS BY: JAVA KATZUR

1 - CAMERON SCOTT:

Offers free tutoring to any female in STATS101. Best friends with your aunty. Diesel King. Safety Cam. Not happy when angry.

4 - JOE BARCLAY:

You were in primary when he was 1st year. Law-School Daddy 2k18. Mows the lawns every 2 months. Has more degrees than times Hardisty has washed his towel.

2 - BEN HARDISTY:

Does flat chores to a 73% standard. Recently rekindled his love for Runescape. Once washed his towel? Legally cannot give blood. If he gets a bargain, you will know about it.

5 - BENJAMIN HAWTHORNE:

Single. Loves teaching young boys how to handle big balls. DO NOT cross him. Banned from UCSA Noticeboard. Has more shoes than times Hardisty has washed his towel.

3 - THOMAS REID:

Replaced a real-life bastard. Looks daddy but is 17. Gets a back, sack and crack monthly. Kicked out of his president’s role. Has failed more law papers than times Hardisty has washed his towel.

6 - DAVE BUTER:

Killed 3/9 flat fish. Once picked a fight with Cam. Honorary law student. Has more ligma than he can handle. Big head. Lives in the shed out back.

INSIDE KNOWLEDGE

Halls:

Uni Hall is a zoo College House is for fancy wankers/closeted homosexuals

Bishop Julius Hall – boring, uneventful (ironically called BJ house, you’ll never get one there)

Rochester & Rutherford A.K.A Head Boy House –exclusively for former high-school head boys.

Degrees:

Sports Degrees are recreational activities

Bachelor of Arts? Bachelor of Farts

Law degrees are “actual so hard”

Finance degrees are a love affair with spreadsheets

An engineering degree is all that matters

General:

The UCSA Building will never be completed

Carparking is f@#king expensive

Buy any second-hand shirt, call it your ‘party shirt’, never wash, wear to every mono.

Freshers increase drinking habits, gain five kgs

Clubs:

- Joining a club just for the t-shirt

- ENSOC screws something up

- Student Volunteer Army (SVA), this’ll look great on my CV

- The Gentlemen’s Club (GC), AKA College House Alumni

- CUBA, always has an awesome time, eats organically.

- LAWSOC, where over-confidence and MacBooks are compulsory

- CUDJ, the club for absolute lads who can raise the roof!

- OPSOC – Skinny, white, wear oversized clothing

- UCPOLS is only relevant in election years

- SIMBA – money-laundering scam

- KAOS will inevitably have a very public nerf fight at some point

Students:

Law students love themselves

Freshers always wear leavers’ hoodies

Freshers always get laughed at for wearing leavers’ hoodies

Engineering who rarely wear shoes

Student who always hangs out in Shilling Club, thinks they’re hot shit

Fresher with Saturday-night-grade make up at a Monday 9am lecture

Boys with home-job bleached hair

Poorly grown holiday moustaches

For those new to UC, here is a list of all the stereotypes and tired clichés you need to know in order to have great Uni Banter™.

DoB: August 23, 1997

Birthplace: Mableton, Georgia, U.S.A

Height: 5’ 10”

Weight: 72 Kg

Chest Size: 38 Inches

Waist Size: 32 Inches

Zodiac Sign: Virgo

Approx Red Braids: 47

WE TRIED INTERVIEWING

LIL’ YACHTY BUT HE WAS BUSY, SO HERE’S SOME STUFF ABOUT HIM.

Mardi Gras this year is headlined by rap artist Lil’ Yachty.

Lil’ Yachty is a rap artist and songwriter who is famous and stuff.

CANTA attempted to interview Lil’ Yachty, but he was busy finishing his thesis and didn’t have time to talk shit.

So instead, here’s a page of stuff about him in honour of him performing at O-Week.

His real name is Miles Parks McCollum, which is why he couldn’t go with his first rap name ‘Lil’ Field’.

Before his music career, Lil’ Yachty worked at McDonald’s which is why his hair is still trademarked by McDonald’s, due to the use of their signature red colour.

Lil’ Yachty is a huge Coldplay fan, and was one of the 3 fans who turned up to their last concert.

He is well-known for his signature hair style, but did you know that his hair actually represents something? Each bead is the soul of another rap-artist with ‘Lil’ in their name that he has sacrificed to the gods upon Mt Olympus.

Top 5 Little Yachts:

“Nauti Buoy”

“Master Baiter” “B-Yacht-ch”

“Filthy Oar”

JUST THE TIP

WISE WORDS BY: LIAM DONNELLY

CANTA’S GUIDE TO ORIENTATION

THE EVENTS: KIA

ORA BRO (12/2, 6-11pm)

Kia Ora Bro adds a touch of classic kiwiana to the madness of O-Week.

The University of Canterbury is a beautifully diverse campus, but a couple years ago it was noticed that there was nothing during O-Week that displayed a bit of Kiwi flare.

So Kia Ora Bro was invented!

Now, Kia Ora Bro is as Kiwi as the ‘When’s Father’s Day?’ lady or The Erin Simpson Show.

At Kia Ora Bro, you can park up in front of the big screen with a snack from any of the local vendors, watch a classic Kiwi film, and witness a range of talents showing off the best of Kiwi culture!

Theme: Kiwiana

Dress Code: None

Do: Be prepared to do the hula

Don’t: Talk through the movie

TOGA (14/2, 8pm-1am)

Every year, all over the world, students have toga-themed parties at their respective universities, and Canterbury is no different.

Toga Party has long been a staple of the Canterbury Uni Orientation, and this continues in 2019.

For new students, this is a must go to event. It’s a good way to sus out how Uni events work and it’s a good chance to meet new faces, many of them also new to Uni.

It’s a very easy event to get ready for too, basically you just get a bed sheet and wrap it around yourself.

Go to the UCSA Facebook page if you need instructions on how to tie a Toga.

Theme: Ancient Rome

Dress Code: Toga

Do: Use a clean bedsheet.

Don’t: Go commando under your Toga.

SUMMER STEIN (16/2, 2-8pm)

How sick would it be to get the Burning Man musical festival and just set it up in Ilam fields?

Well we can’t do that, so Summerstein is the next best thing.

Summerstein has been seen at O-Week before, and it’s the closest you’ll ever feel to being at a music festival while still at Uni.

Summerstein kicks off the first Orientation weekend and features a smorgasbord of activities.

Get your most colourful summer threads on and boogie to some decent music all afternoon long.

Theme: Summer

Dress Code: Summer/holiday threads

Do: Put on sunscreen

Don’t: Avoid shade

CLUBS DAY (19 & 20/2 Feb, 11am-2pm)

A good way to ensure you have a healthy social calendar for the year!

UC has over 150 clubs, each celebrating something entirely different. The club community is just about the most important asset at Canterbury and it keeps the campus interesting.

Clubs Day is your chance to join any club you like, and the club’s chance to impress you.

Spread around the campus, each club has their own stall with club members there to have a yarn.

Theme: Clubs, Clubs, Clubs

Dress Code: None, it’s just during the day.

Do: Sign up to clubs

Don’t: Assume you’ll just sign up later

MARDI GRAS

(21/2, 6-10pm)

Inspired by the fabulously fabulous international event of the same name, Mardi Gras at Canterbury is a huge event!

One of the first opportunities of the year for students to mix and mingle, Mardi Gras is a defining event in the life of anyone who goes to it.

Mardi Gras is all about being true to yourself, loving everyone, going nuts to some DnB, and mingling with your new-found UC friends. If you’re lucky, you might even get to pash someone.

It’s a colourful event – bright clothes, paint, glitter, sparkly jewellery. Forget your trepidations and dive in.

Theme: Festival celebrations

Dress Code: Bright! Purple, Green, Gold

Do: Take a breath mint prior

Don’t: Underdress

Okay so this isn’t strictly an O-Week event, this is more of a note for all the uni newbies.

It kicks off during O-Week, but Mono is an event that takes place every week.

It is the UCSA’s weekly music extravaganza!

Good music, dancing, drinks, and yarns are reliably found throughout term-time every Thursday night at the Foundry.

From 8pm on Thursdays the Foundry turns into a bit of a rave cave and becomes Christchurch’s biggest hotspot, with lines stretching miles from the door.

Mono is the ultimate place to meet people and be seen.

Theme: None

Dress Code: Party

Do: Go to the toilet before arriving

Don’t: Wear stilettos

Why do we have Toga Parties?

Togas first arose in the 8th Century BC, as a long, flowing robe worn by the residents of Ancient Rome. By the 4th century, Rome was burned, everyone was dead, and the toga was gone.

So why, thousands of years later, do

universities around the world have Toga parties?

The Ancient Roman Empire, where Togas were worn, was one of the first advanced civilisations of humanity.

Founded roughly 500 BC, the Roman Empire changed the course of human history and established many early examples of modern government, law, politics, engineering, art, literature, architecture, technology, warfare, religion, language, and society.

As the Empire grew more sophisticated, it grew larger.

As the Roman Empire grew bigger, it got

Fanny Pack –Orientation’s Best Friend

Fanny packs have a bad reputation. For years they have been an oppressed fashion accessory, considered taboo.

But no longer will they be oppressed. Fanny packs need to be recognized for what they really are;

MONO Jargon

If you don’t know what Mono is, it’s a weekly music night every Thursday at the Foundry. Language around the name ‘Mono’ can often lead to confusion.

These Thursday night music gigs are known solely as ‘Mono’, therefore ‘Mono’ is a noun.

richer and the upper class got bigger. Then the empire started losing the fights it got into.

Ancient Rome’s people started throwing around more money to try and keep all the shit they were starting to lose.

Eventually their currency became useless and the entire place collapsed.

Now, students across the world celebrate toga parties each year to remind themselves of the dangers of mass-accumulation of wealth and the dangerous obsessions that comes with tangible goods.

Obviously.

The greatest storage device ever created.

Fanny packs allow for 24/7 practical access to all your important belongings, no matter the situation or conditions.

The design of the fanny pack allows for secure storage of items, meaning they’re accessible, hard to lose, and theft-proof.

It is truly the greatest O-Week accessory. Buy a fanny pack. It will be your best friend. Like seriously, I’m not joking. Buy a fanny pack.

Example: “I am going to Mono” or “Mono is the best event ever”

Another use as a noun is for someone who attends Mono:

Example: “That guy is such a Mono-er” Similarly, it can also be used as an adjective for describing someone/thing that embodies the values of Mono.

Example: “Wow, he’s a real Mono guy” However, ‘Mono’ can also be something that someone is doing, therefore a verb.

Example: “Are you mono-ing?” or “Hey, let’s Mono”

Also, just to clarify, this has NOTHING to do with ‘Mono’, the disease transmitted by the sharing of saliva.

So when people on campus talk about ‘Mono’, they’re referring to the nights, NOT the strand of glandular fever.

So next time you hear the term ‘Mono’, don’t be confused or concerned. Just remember that it’s a totally made up name and you should go along to Mono on Thursday nights.

take

(Ilam)

UC Sustainability Map

Sustainability Office Facilities Management Building

o Te Akatoki

Te Whare Akonga

Te Akatoki provides social and cultural support to Māori students studying at UC.

Sustainability notice board

Streams Follow these waterways for a relaxing lunchtime walk.

(Dovedale)

Okeover Community gardens

Uni mart Sign up for a Metro card here. Or, top up your current card with cash, eftpos or your credit card.

Whare on Campus Places where Māori students can study, relax and meet other Māori students. There are; study spaces, access to computers, teaching resources, kitchen facilities and a friendly support network for students.

• Ōrakipaoa-Avon stream

• Haereroa-Avon stream

• Kā Waimaero-Ilam stream

• Waiutuutu-Okeover stream Waiutuutu/Okeover stream is a restored ecosystem –see www.sustain.canterbury. ac.nz/waterways/ for more information

Student Services Centre

Sustainability Office Supports and educates UC communities with the aim to develop stronger sustainable practices.

Showers

• Dovedale DE2, DF1 and DG1

• Fine Arts Block 2A

• Forestry 136 • Puaka/James Hight: Unisex, level 1 by eastern end lifts

• Psychology: Unisex, level 4

• Recreation Centre Sonoda Japanese Gardens Outdoor benches and relaxing fish ponds provide peaceful areas for people to stretch with a book and a cup of coffee.

time or, ask for assistance to your car by contacting the security office (6888) or 114 Ilam Road.

The information on this map is true and correct as of January 2017. Due to the on-going earthquake remediation activities

Free tables Free tables are places you can recycle, swap or collect household goods,books, stationary and clothing. Free table locations

• Puaka/James Hight building

• Macmillan Brown Library

• Locke Building, Level 5

• Logie Building, Level 5 and lobby

• Dovedale Library

Green buildings

In keeping with the university’s goal of incorporating sustainability into all its activities, these buildings have many innovative sustainable design features, see www.sustain.canterbury.ac.nz/energy/ buildings.shtml

Ilam Gardens

These gardens are full of walkways for lunchtime walks. They are at their best in October and November.

Libraries Places to read, research, relax, access a computer and make new friends.

Okeover Community Garden

Working bees Friday afternoon, garden learning space, great lunchtime spot Open or secure cycle stands

Open cycle stands are standard cycle stands parked in open spaces. Secure cycle stands are electronically accessed, video-surveillance monitored bike parks. Swipe your Canterbury card to get access. Please make sure that you still lock your bike. Here you will also find bike pumps, and puncture repair kits can be borrowed from Security.

Wai-utu-utu/

Keen

to represent

MARCH 16 Women's Sevens Auckland

APRIL 12 – 13 3x3 Basketball Auckland 25 – 28 Futsal Tauranga

MAY 11 Table Tennis Wellington

JULY 2 – 4 Hockey Christchurch 20 – 21 Volleyball Christchurch

AUGUST 31 – 1 Ultimate Auckland

SEPTEMBER 4 – 5 Badminton Wellington

20 – 22 Basketball Christchurch

GIG GUIDE

Winnie Bagoes

15 FEB. MAKO ROAD

– Local Safari summer tour

To promote their new album, the lads are off on a tour of the islands. Check ‘em out while they happen to be in the same city!

$20 via makoroad.co.nz

Blue Smoke

16 FEB. NOSTALGIA AFTER PARTY

- Soaked Oats

Because what’s cooler than going to the afterparty instead of the main event? STUDENT PRICES AVALIBLE, or free entry with an official Nostalgia Festival Wristband.

$25 via Undertheradar

Blue Smoke

21 Feb. Cate Le Bon w/ Pickle Darling

Space Academy

1 Mar. Melted Ice Cream presents: No Age

The coolest Christchurch-based indie label presents the loudest Californian noise-rock group still floating around to melt your fucking ears of!

$30 via Undertheradar

CHCH Town Hall

3 Mar. Marlon Williams – The Turangawaewae Tour

Williams won out against the Beths for best album at the Silver Scroll Awards last year, but no hard feelings. I’m sure his music’s good or something. Backed by Don McGlashan and band + Emily Fairlight

Tickets via Ticketek

Blue Smoke

8 Mar. Milk and Honey - Big Runga w/ French_concession

The last leg of the festival celebrating women artists (good on ‘em), which should be taking place across three separate cities.

$35 via Undertheradar

$50 via milkandhoneyfestival.com

Ingenuitive Welsh singer/songwriter graces NZ with her cabbalistic presence, flanked by local bedroom pop darling Pickle Darling.

A FEW NOTES

KICK OUT THE JAMS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

wanna do to get that pent up pubescent rage out of your system is to sneak in to the quarry and chuck rocks at shit, or drive through residential neighbourhoods and smash letterboxes with baseball bats (please do neither of these things, you idiots). It’s music that you’re supposed to turn up as loud as humanely possible. So go ahead and do that, just understand that the UC offers mental health services where you can talk this out instead of break shit, yeah?

MIKE KROL – Power Chords PICKLE DARLING - Bigness

Krol has been rather eloquently defined as having “that real garage vibe […] Songs about being nostalgic for the suburbs.” This exact quote, despite coming from a character from Steven Universe, pretty much sums up the sound – garage rock has been quietly rising up (ironic, right?) in the indie/mainstream nexus, with musicians and acts like Ty Segall, Ex Hex and Thee Oh Sees have been seeping thru the cracks in the cement, their aggressive fuzz and raw buzz pumping through the streets like a gammy heartbeat. I wasn’t old enough to remember the Strokes becoming popular, but I’m going out on a limb to say this is probably what it was like. This sound is something refreshingly new and split-lipped in this age of overprocessed glittery pop whatever. This shit has EDGE! Krol, being a stalwart interloper in the rockin’ Californian scene, is no exception.

Seeing as how we at CANTA are back for the new year, I’m just gonna open this issue by being entirely honest: this album is fucking fantastic, and it was always going to be. I was hyped for this album since last year. I punched the pre-order button in the face. I’m currently working through his entire discography on my RDU show, slowly but surely. Krol’s is the sound inside your head when you see that guy or girl you had a crush on in high school kissing someone much more attractive than you behind the bike shed, and all you

FORESTS

- Spending Eternity

In A Japanese Convenience Store

Sometimes you just gotta be sad, like I am most times, being a young man with little social experience and constantly worrying about climate change. As mentioned in my Krol ramble, music serves an excellent emotional conduit. You can be having a bad time, sure, but if you put on some Elliot Smith after a breakup or something, you’re absolutely SHATTERED for maybe the rest of conceivable spacetime. This is why this newest, lengthily titled release from Forests, an Singaporean-born emo math-rock group, really works when you’re down in the dumps.

Remember those lofi hip hop beats to relax/study to that were literally everywhere? Have you ever wondered what that’d sound like if one of those livestream radio stations on YouTube tucked you in at night? Pickle Darling, known also as Lukas, is a local musician who’s been known to dabble in his particular brand of ridiculously twee bedroom-pop, the kinda stuff that gently reassures your ears like a particularly good ASMR video (if such a thing were to exist). There’s clearly a very clever sound clinking and clunking around in these tracks, so give it a listen if you need to slow down your heartbeat.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

SIR BABYGIRL - Crush on Me,

PANDA BEAR -

Buoys,

FIDLAR - Almost Free, CLAYPOOL LENNON DELIRIUM -

South Of Reality,

STEVE MASON – About the Light

FUSH

A BUSINESS THAT CARES AND CONTRIBUTES.

WRITTEN BY: LIAM DONNELLY

Occasionally campus gets visited by a modern Christchurch icon.

The Little FUSH

Waka floats around Christchurch’s streets, sometimes parking up right here at Uni.

FUSH

The Waka is the food truck for the fish & chip shop, FUSH.

Inspired by New Zealand’s questionable pronunciation of words, FUSH is a fish and chip shop that opened in 2011.

Quickly it built a reputation. A reputation for f@#king good Fish & Chips.

It’s a reputation that has not wavered, which is obvious by the reaction when they come on campus.

However, FUSH isn’t an ordinary fish and chip store, nor was it ever intended to be.

“There was nothing in my neighbourhood where I felt like I could go there and experience what I had in my mind… which was fish and chips taken bloody seriously.”

Anton Matthews, FUSH’ owner and founder, had a vision for a whole new class of fish and chips, away from the typical beige food we get wrapped in paper.

However, for Anton, serving good fish and chip meant more than just a decent piece of fish.

Serving decent fish and chips meant changing every step of the process, from sea to plate.

The result of this is a business ethos like no other, FUSH is in a league of its own.

Every detail of the business is meticulously thought out, with the goal of making the biggest splash with the fewest ripples.

“Since day one our fish has been line-caught” they will proudly tell you at FUSH.

Now that may not seem particularly noteworthy, but the term ‘line-caught’ entails painstaking hours of baiting hooks, throwing in lines, and waiting.

Why does he do this you may ask?

“The fishing industry is self-regulated, which never works,” Anton explains.

Traditional bulk fishing uses a technique called ‘trawling’, which basically involves using massive nets. Trawling is hugely damaging to the environment, and with all the self-regulation,

Anton could never be assured his fish was caught in a suitable way.

Line fishing involves a lot more work but has far less impact on the ocean environment, hence why Anton does it.

This is essentially the business ethos in a nutshell. A perfect representation.

-

“The reason behind it is not for consumerism, or because it’s trendy. It’s from a cultural point of view, it’s our job to look after the environment. It’s not ours. Maori don’t own land, we don’t own the ocean, but it’s our job to look after it for future generations”

FUSH, a fish & chip shop, has identified the faults in its own industry, and set about proving that there are better, safer ways to do what has always been done.

But how FUSH takes care of the ocean, is how carefully they take every aspect of their business.

From the ocean, to the plate, to the bum on a chair, the product and the person eating it are treated with the upmost respect.

On the back of FUSH branded hats, the word ‘Manaakitanga’ can be seen stitched on. For those not familiar, ‘manaakitanga’ is the way in which you show hospitality towards your guests.

If you’ve respected the environment and your product, it’ll mean a yummy meal and better experience for you customer. Simple.

“The leaders can’t perform their duties on the marae without the help and support of the cooks out the back.”

It’s a simple saying but it explains it all, if you get a feed from FUSH it’s food that is made to get you through your day feeling satisfied.

FUSH has taken the lead on what it means to be a responsible business in the 21st century, caring for the environment, being a contributing member of it’s community. All just so its customers leave with smiles and full stomachs

Look out for the little FUSH Waka on campus, and be sure to try their incredible food and meet their smiling faces.

WELLNESS WATCH

At the UC Rec centre you will find modern equipment, expert staff ready to help, and a huge range of facilities and services beyond weights, cardio and classes. Why not a spot of badminton, squash or basketball to raise your heart rate? How about tyre flipping, boxing bags or indoor rockclimbing to condition your body? We offer a multitude of options to satisfy almost everyone, so you can find something you enjoy to assist you on your personal wellness journey.

Rec Centre Memberships – you have paid for it, now use it!

As a UC Student, your student levy funds a Rec Centre membership for you to use to stay healthy and active while studying. The Rec Centre is the primary health & fitness facility on campus. Sign up here: https:// www.canterbury.ac.nz/ucreccentre/2019memberships/

Social Sport Competitions

A range of social sport competitions are running on campus throughout the year. Sports in Term one include: Futsal, Netball, Ultimate, Volleyball, Dodgeball, Basketball and Touch. The cost per team for a term is $125. Term one registrations are open nowdetails available on our website or pop in to the Rec Centre: https://www.canterbury. ac.nz/sport/social-sport-competitions/

Sport and Fitness Academy

The Sport and Fitness Academy is running somewhat differently to previous years. The Academy will be of particular interest to top athletes, but is now open to anyone of any ability who wishes to improve their overall sporting performance. It is designed to develop athletes holistically, and provides a great support structure

for students as they juggle the studentathlete load. Details are available here: https://www.canterbury.ac.nz/sport/ sportsacademy/

Run Canterbury

Take your run training to the next level! Prepare with our Run Canterbury training group to take on either a 10km, half marathon, or full marathon. Receive a tailored training plan towards your choice of event (e.g Christchurch, Tai Tapu, Queenstown, Dunedin, Mt Cook, Long Beach, Crater Rim, or Hanmer Springs races). Join us in semester one and utilise our extremely successful programme (Christchurch Marathon - 12 week challenge). From here you can continue the growth in semester two and build towards running events later in the year. For more info and registration forms see our website: https://www.canterbury.ac.nz/ sport/runcanterbury/

Group Fitness

Exercising in a group can make you work harder - add music and you’ll increase the intensity by up to 20 persent! So get motivated and join one of our group fitness classes. We have a huge variety of classes and courses to suit your needs and build the body you want. Just turn up and join in - it’s FREE with your membership (excluding Spin and Yoga in the ZenZone). Group Fitness timetables can be found here: https://www.canterbury.ac.nz/

ucreccentre/group-fitness/timetables/

University & Tertiary Sport

New Zealand

Here’s your chance to represent UC at a national sporting championship, and aim to qualify for the World University Games! The annual University and Tertiary Sport New Zealand Championship sees all eight universities, and a range of other tertiary institutions compete in ten sporting championships held throughout the academic year. Points are awarded at each event based on final placings, from which an overall champion institution is awarded.

UC were the top placed South Island team in 2018, placing fourth out of eight universities. Registrations are now open via our website: https://www.canterbury.ac.nz/ sport/utsnz/

Massage

The Rec Centre has introduced massage therapy to our services in 2019. Treat yourself! Whether it’s for relaxation and stress management, rehabilitation or recovery, or simply to improve performance goals, massage is an effective therapy that can assist your wellness. Book through our website or at reception: www.canterbury.ac.nz/ucreccentre/ massage/

UC Entrepreneurs

Insurgent Foods

THE VISION

For me starting a business was never a question of why it was when? I knew from the beginning, long before ideas took shape that I would not be pursuing traditional avenues of investment. I didn’t want to manage multiple rental properties which ultimately lock people out of a runaway housing market. Alternatively, I didn’t want to invest in big multinational companies which hurt animals, communities, livelihoods, and the environment.

Studying at UC (Bachelor of Science, Geography Major) and more specifically the UC Summer Start Up programme provided the right sort of climate to explore a business opportunity I had been considering for some time.

THE BACK STORY

Insurgent Foods has its roots in my early twenties where I completed my chef’s apprenticeship and went on to work in mining camps cooking for thousands of men and women day-in-day-out often up to my elbows in meat.

I had been an on-again-off-again vegetarian throughout my teens but really committed throughout pregnancy where I was turned off by meat entirely; vegetarianism became a lifestyle thereafter.

Early 2017 in a bid to hurry along my degree I took a summer course in Environmental Ethics where I discovered the works of the late great Tom Regan whose propelling arguments on the subject of animal rights left a lasting impression on me. Inspired by then lecturer Fiona Dalzell, a committed vegan and veterinary surgeon, Tom Regan of course, and extensive research into the sad plight of the dairy cow, I decided to try and incorporate more plant based foods into my diet.

I realised fairly quickly how limited vegans were in terms of convenience products. Whilst I understand that many vegans prefer to cook from scratch. A busy lifestyle means we often need to make sacrifices and the simple fact remains that many vegan and vegetarian foods are either labour intensive or far too costly.

THE BRANDING PROCESS

Branding has been an integral part of the business from the beginning. Ultimately the goal has been to have universal appeal, and provide a platform for those with environmental, religious or health objections to meat and dairy to jump` aboard. The theme creates a sense of comradery which is anti-establishment and invites one to challenge social and cultural norms. My goal throughout this process has been to promote plant-based foods without pushing the strict parameters of veganism. I want to encourage people

to experiment, to try the products and challenge any preconceived ideas they may have had about plant-based foods.

PRODUCT CATALOGUE

Ideally, I would like to launch our Eat Kind Slice and Bake Biscuit range, (think all your favourites in a healthier, tastier, kinder version) in March, but this depends on negotiations with campus cafes. And whilst still in the early developmental stages, I hope to follow up quickly with the Jar Half Full range of Italian inspired pasta sauces. Again think of all those full Italian flavours in a rich tofu creamy base. These are heat and eat sauces which are nutrient dense and really pack a punch enabling one to smash out those deadlines and keep burning the midnight oil long into the early hours.

Market Research

Keep your eyes peeled for an Insurgent Foods survey in an upcoming issue of CANTA and survey collection boxes. Your opinions will help shape the business model moving forward and whether it is more practical to operate an online store and campus distribution point or a vending machine.

If you would like to know more about the business or product lines please email me Krystal Paix at insurgentfoodsnz@gmail.com

QUEERTIQUETTE

BEING A BI GIRL IN A BI WORLD

Throughout my time here at UC I have realised I am bisexual - with all the Mono nights and club events and free food how can you not. Being a bi girl means that I have the best of both worlds. Some would say I’m ‘greedy’, but it’s a win-win for me really.

I first came to terms with my sexuality on a European overseas exchange surrounded by people that knew who they were and what they wanted. It was pretty empowering. Unfortunately Christchurch lacks in this department. Getting to know a wide range of people with extremely different backgrounds has allowed me to take a step back and figure out what I wantedand here we are.

Coming home and then sticking with who I am was the hard part, especially

in a city where every girl owns a striped long sleeve t-shirt, a Huffer puffer and a MacBook. I remember thinking to myself “How can I still feel comfortable in my own skin?” after arriving back in New Zealand. Needless to say it took a fair bit of time, and I still haven’t really done the whole coming out thing, but it’s safe to say all the important people in my life are aware. I think that’s another important thing about being bisexual (or LGBTQ+ or all for that matter) is that everyone’s journey is different. Don’t feel like you have to come out or make a big deal out of it if you don’t want to. Everyone has their own ways in dealing and exploring their sexuality. It’s a pretty magical journey. Don’t rush it.

Life after accepting I am bisexual has lead me to some crazy fun places. Picture yourself going out on the town (this being

mainly Mono, or if you are lucky down the strip) and seeing a few hotties. You’re overwhelmed with choice. Luck of the draw perhaps, or just another win for the bisexual community.

Another epic aspect of this has been all of the other bisexual people I have met along the way. It’s safe to say this has been a huge part of my journey. Meeting like-minded people has allowed me to express myself on such a raw level, as well as share some memorable stories. It’s quite surprising how many of your average Joes are bisexual - impressive really. I must admit I haven’t really experienced much of the queer life on campus, therefore can’t really touch on that, however I hope that changes this year.

- Mikalia Ceelen-Thomas

CANTA COLUMNS

Whether you are coming to UC as a fresher, returning undergrad, or post-grad student – welcome to 2019 at UC, and to the first edition of the Rawing Meg CANTA column; where mere a fellow student sheds some light on all things mental health and wellness.

You will all be rather well-informed on the academic and study side of University life; sussing the best libraries, getting required textbooks we’ll open only once, and making small-talk with fellow peers before lectures. What gets pushed under the rug and forgotten about is the other components of Uni life beyond your uni studies, including your physical health, establishing academic and social connections, and onsite subsidized or free uni student support services.

Let’s set one thing straight:

Just because you are living and at Uni does not mean that Uni is your life!

We are right in the middle of Orientation week – take time in between your classes to go to Clubs Day sign-ups and grab a free bite to eat or token UC pen. Joining in on club action gives you the opportunity to meet like-minded peers and attend some rad social events and gain exclusive access to peer-tutoring and mentoring. Its mostly free, or at a small cost – so jump in on the action!

Take some time to check out the Rec Centre we have, get that free student membership, and make some time during the semester to get a good sweaty session on. They offer free group classes, both weights and cardio equipment, as well as personal training – there is legit something for everyone

Sign-up to the UC Health Centre, and send away a Community Services Card application to ensure your visits are free (without the card, you will encounter a cost but is far less than an ordinary community GP). Here you have access to not only doctors, but nursing services, sexual health, physiotherapy, nutrition advice, counselling, and healing touch therapy

There are other UC-provided services that can really help out with acclimatising to Uni study and making sure you are supported appropriately – both academically and personally. We have a great Advocacy and Welfare Support Team for dealing with any complaints or issues or difficult events that you encounter or experience during your studies. They also have access to granting emergency financial aide to students, as well as subsidised access to dental and optometry services. The Disability Resource Service can also provide additional supplementary support to ensure that students have access to the right resources and help to make sure students are not held back by any disability they have – short or long-term, physical or mental

Don’t make the fatal mistake of taking to study in one of two extremes: the first being the person that does nothing but look at a textbook, and the second being someone who has never opened such book or seen a lecture theatre in your life. Remember that you have to make time in your days and weeks for activities that give you some sense of happiness and fulfilment while taking your mind away from any books and recordings you have. Whether it be a social game of b-ball with the bros while sipping a beer, a bit of retail therapy with the flatties, or buying some grossly over-priced avo & toast at the local café; these are the things that are so very

needed in life. The books can wait for an hour or two, your life will not be ruined, and you will thank yourself for it later

Mental Illness Myth-buster: “You are not ‘sick’ enough”

For anyone with mental illness or struggling with their mental health, one of the first things that your head will tell you is that your hardship is not “serious” enough, or that you are not “sick” enough to seek professional help. Here’s a fun fact: your head will convince you that you are never sick enough to get help, that there will always be someone worse than you, more deserving than you. This is far from the truth; whatever your experiencing and feeling is valid and is worthy of seeking and accessing help – there is no shame in this either; just as we see a doctor or nurse for our physical health, we can see a doctor or therapist for our mental health.

So, I’ve said my piece, I would love to hear yours – email any comments or questions about anything and everything mental-health related to rawingmeg@gmail. com and it could be a topic for future issues (strictly confidential)

Rawing Meg (On Insta @rawingmeg for more)

If you need support for any issues raised in today’s or future articles, here are a few places that can help you out:…

UC HEALTH CENTRE : +64 3 369 4444 / or Advocay and Welfare 03 369 0452/0450 or email help@ucsa.org.nz.

CANTA COLUMNS

NGAIRE KNOWS BEST QUESTIONS FROM THE INTERWEBS

Dear Ngai,

What’s the best way to make a woman orgasm?

Tom

Tom,

I am not a lady friend of the cabbage and I am not that way inclined so cannot help. Although, personally speaking I find mild, consensual choking and dirty talk finishes the job for me.

God bless, Ngaire

Hi Ngai

Does the pull-out method work to avoid pregnancy?

Thanks Rima

Dearest Rima,

NO. The pull-out method is as big of a lie as “Mary was a virgin,” the “Earth is flat”, or “Jacinda Ardern is not a communist.” Take it up the shitter before you take a dick unwrapped. You’ll be up the duff in two ticks if you’re not careful.

I’m not driving you to the clinic.

Mrs Chambers

Hi Ngaire,

What’s the best advice you were ever told?

Anon

Dear Anon,

The best advice I ever got was from the town prostitute, Diamond Chambers. She said, “don’t give it away cheap” and she

was right. There’s a lot of average men out there. Make those losers work for it. Minge is a gift not a birth right. Walk through life proud, with your head up, shoulders back and titties first. You’re a diamond too.

All the best, Ngaire

Hi Ngai,

I really struggled last year at uni with my BCom and am not sure I want to continue but my Mum says I’m a failure if I quit and that I’ll never be a success if I don’t finish my degree. Do I suck it up or quit?

Dan

Daniel Daniel Daniel, your mother doesn’t know shit. Is she at university? Does she know how expensive degrees are? She sounds like a gift wrapping, candle sniffing baby boomer, know-it-all mole. Do what’s right for you. I think tertiary education is a crock of shit. Go do a trade. My hairdresser earns more than my doctor. Do what you want. I don’t actually care.

Hi Grandma, Hi

Bit of a sexy one, who’s the best root you ever had?

Deb

Hi Deb,

Easy. Winston Peters up against the powerade fridge at the Huntly BP gas station last year.

Yours, Ngaire

Shag, marry, kill: Paula Bennett, Nigel Farage, Hillary Clinton

Another easy one: Marry Nige (he looks rich), shag Hillary Clitoris and kill Paula

Benefit. She looks like a microwaved chicken drumstick. What a piece of shit.

Peace be with you, Ngaire

Hi Ngaire,

My friend got really drunk and pissed the bed at my flat last weekend and I’m so annoyed. Do I unfriend him?

Mickey

Hi Mick,

Ah, so what. Your friend had a couple too many sherries and wet the bed. WHO HASN’T. I shit myself at church once after a bad curry. QUE SERA. Put a hot wash on, forgive and forget.

All my love, Ngaire

This is me after my #glamsquad made me over. Actually it’s just my neighbour Lance and his three cats xxox

DEPT OF SPIRITUAL ENGINEERING O-WEEK

Howdy. My name’s Reverend Spanky, and I’m the Chaplain here at UC. Most people I meet nod their heads politely with that slightly glazed look when I’m introduced as “The Chaplain”. Well, I like to think of myself as the ‘Dean of Spiritual Engineering’ on campus. Us Uni Chaplain’s are pretty good at dealing with Spiritual matters, but we’re also quite good at listening, baking scones, advocating, lingering handshakes, talking smack and growing basil. So if we can ever help with any of the above - just drop me an email.

Anywho - be you an old dog returning for more academic adventures, or fresh meat exported from a local high school - on behalf of God, it’s my pleasure to welcome you to O-week at Canterbury.

When I first became a cat owner I read somewhere that cats naturally self-regulate their eating. So I bought one of those smorgasbord style cat feeders - where you put the cat food in the top, and it falls out the bottom. Problem was our cat went from normal to a 6 kg monster within a year. At any given moment she would be crouched in front of this machine gorging herself. She would hug it, purr at it, lick it, nuzzle it, worship it. It became her foodgod, a divine portal that produced infinite amounts of tuna flavoured snacks on command. After a while (around the 5kg mark) we realised this dispenser was a bad idea, so we put it away in the cupboard. We would often come home to discover she’d found it, her head stuck inside it, pushing it along the ground in ecstasy.

And for some of you reading this - that’s what your first year at Uni will be like. After years of living under your parents regime of free power and family scrabble nights - you’ll be flicking through the pages of this guide, wiping away tears of ecstasy from the share abundance of boozing and bonking opportunities. “I’ve always wanted an excuse to wear a toga!” you’ll say to yourself. “And besides, it’ll help me

prepare for that Philosophy paper I’ve told everyone I’m taking.” But just as my cat discovered the hard way, going from limited freedom to infinite freedom in one week can be a pretty tough thing to navigate, without things getting messy.

Now - many of you will choose to avoid the more colourful debauchery and will spend this week joyfully consuming crispy chicken from a cheap-n-cheerful Church corner establishment whilst going on a Settlers of Catan bender instead.

Others of you will hit the jungle juice a little hard once or twice and wake up with a throbbing head, an empty bank account, and decide the novelty of cask wine has worn off.

But some of you will really struggle to adjust to the smorgasborg of freedom that uni life offers - and so before you pin your stained bed-sheet around your post-pubescent body and head to the Countdown liquor isle - I invite you to ask yourself three “Hypothetical O-week Scenario” questions, so you can nut out a response before the heat of the moment gets the better of you.

When you defecate in that elderly persons letterbox on Ilam Road, is that really the highest form of respect you can offer a pensioner? Or perhaps, if you try harder, can you think of other ways of showing gratitude for their age and wisdom?

2. When that next drink transforms you magically into a racist / sexist / misogynist, and you begin calling strangers with red hair cleverly offensive names - is that really a dimension of your personality you want to uncork in public? Or perhaps, like most University educated alumni, you’d like to hold to some kind of respect of people

regardless of genes or genitals?

3. When you over-consume to the extent that you violate other people’s personal space, spit excessively while telling lame jokes, and fall asleep under a pool table before soiling yourself - is that really sending the signals to those of the opposite sex that this is someone with deep self-respect who believes deeply in the virtue of human dignity?

Helpful questions to ponder before the fact, don’t you think?

You know - we live in an age where students and twenty-somethings feel huge pressure to do everything, all at the same time: party hard But also, study hard! Write a novel but also, write a thesis! Travel the world but also, settle down and get work experience! As Jonathan Safran Foer put it “Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

At its best O-week is a festive celebration of the future fruit of the year ahead: friends, frivolity, fried chicken. At its worst O-week is a messy attempt to escapes our self doubts and the pressure to be all things to everyone else. Most people experience O-week somewhere in the middle.

So this year - don’t make the same excessive mistake my feline made with that cat food dispenser of doom. But do make the most of your first week of freedom at UC.

spanky.moore@canterbury.ac.nz

GODLEY HEAD

MOUNTAIN BIKE TRACK

adventuresftsouth.com

BY: NATHAN JAMES

Godley Head track is a classic Christchurch Mountain Bike ride that starts from Evans Pass Road and leads out to Godley Head. It’s a solid grade 3 cross country Mountain Bike ride that takes on rocky volcanic outcrops along with smooth berms. If you’re a confident mountain biker, this ride is for you.

Location

There is plenty of room to park up your car near the start of the track. Just before the cattle stop near Evans Pass/Summit road intersection, there is a grassy flat to park up at. The track starts just after the cattle stop on the right-hand side of the road. It ascends rocky outcrops as you begin to snake away from the road.

Godley Head Track

Unfortunately, the rocky outcrops which put your legs into pain on the first part of the single track mellow out. With Summit road just below you as you begin to traverse along through the paddocks in the next part of the track with a few rocks to dodge here and there.

As you finish off the first paddock you come to a fast flowing single track that leading down towards Summit Road. There are a number of good turns that make the climb and grind (and pushing for some) worth it. There a couple of wooden features that you take on as part of the trail. They are a lot of fun and add some character to the ride.

Field Notes

The views are pretty sick with 360-degree views out over Christchurch and out towards Lyttelton. With Godley Head track being so exposed if it’s windy in Christchurch, it will be blowing a gale upon the hills. Throw in your windbreaker or old jacket to keep warm while you are out riding.

Godley Head track is usually open in most conditions. Even after a lot of rain, with there being a lot of rock and being so exposed the track drys up reasonably quickly. The only other restriction that may be placed on the track is during lambing season. You can keep up to date with the restrictions of the tracks in Christchurch on the Christchurch city council website.

LUCKY DIP

ONE SIDE

Buckle

up boys and girls for a wholesome date rundown that will leave you with a smile.

I wasn’t really sure what to expect; and having read a bunch of CANTA blind date issues, I was (and still am) pretty scared of getting roasted. But I decided that the free food/oat sodas outweigh the negatives and I headed into the Fox and Ferret pretty mellow about the prospects.

As soon as I saw him sitting there I knew it’d be a fun dinner - he looked relaxed and not like he fit into your typical yuppy category that our age group is into. He was really cool, and conversation flowed pretty easy! We didn’t have heeeeaps in common - he was really into music and I used to wag my guitar lessons in year five to go to the beach. Despite that, chat shifted topics from what we studied (Eng and Law) to whether our parents had smoked weed recently (they had) and the worst thing that we’d ever morally done (slept with his mate’s mum).

Christchurch is bloody small, so there were several mutual mates to share anecdotes about which was cool to catch up on. Apparently, we

are equally dumb on the piss and spent a fair bit of word quota telling the stories of our butt tattoos (his is his mum’s name). Oh! We also found a mutual topic of glasses. In saying that, I need mine to see and he needs his for festivals, but the love was there.

He didn’t sneeze on me and one of us wasn’t secretly super kinky so I think that all in all it was a success! Had to cut it short because I have shit time management and need to do way too much work tonight but had a good time.

There were loose plans made to meet up at Electric Ave, because he said that he carries a phone charger around and my phone is trash, so it dies after thirty mins…. so thank you, CANTA for this match!

For those of you that got this far, here’s an explanation of the ‘sleeping with his mate’s mum’ thing: so, he was at his mate’s 21st and his mate’s parents had just separated. His mate’s mum (Carol*) was wearing leopard print so naturally once he was pretty chopped it was all go. A couple of days later, his mate’s dad decided that the separation was a bad idea and they got back together.

He then went on holiday with the whole family to Big Day Out and never mentioned a thing to his friend. Probably one of the dustiest things I’ve ever heard hahaha

*mum’s name changed, for obvious reasons –Editor

Funny sex, getting arrested, and shelving beans.

Everything a juicy story should have. Everything this story doesn’t.

This lovely outing took place at the infamous Fox & Ferret, and I tell you, my Ferret thought this Fox was a wee bit of a shnack. A tall, thin, brunette with a heck of a smile and chattier than a chookie. We greeted with an awkward hug, an obvious sign of true love, and as soon as we sat down sh*t got real. I think the longest pause in the evening was when we both took a breath at the same time. I was thinking, heck boys, we out here.

Our waiter, a bloody good kiwi, came and spun some yarns from the get-go to try ease the first-date tension, thinking we were all sizzle and no steak, but we were going off like a bride’s

nightie. He came and went a few times and finally got a rushed order out of us, and this little shnack smacked back into the chat. The korero commenced with the classic ‘up 2 at uni g’, but it quickly became an unspoken contest of whose got the worst/best story. Now, I’m always one for a good story, and I’ve got a couple bangers up my sleeve, but Jesus hold the wheel, because this chick can spin an unreal spiel.

She came off a cross between the kinda girl you bring home to mum, but there might just be lil bit of the old under-the-table wrangle-the-cable during the family dinner. It would both exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. We spun yarns over vege dumplings and skewers for a solid two hours (little help from CANTA’s one-drink limit, what happened there guysss), and continued on well past the food was taken away. Any hey, what good story doesn’t end without seeing a lil bit of inner thigh before the night was over? Obviously this one.

We swapped social accounts, embraced each other to finish the night, and as I watched her skate off into the night, I had the fine words of Sir Justin Marshall run through my mind: Me oh my, I have enjoyed that, yes boy.

LUCKY DIP OTHER SIDE

I’m gonna be honest here guys, this fine chook deserves a bloody good rooster, but unfortunately, I don’t think my cockadoodledoo is enough to ruffle her feathers.

Just like that little girl who fell outta the tree, ya know, she just wasn’t in it. She is one heck of a laugh though, 10/10 would party with. Come hit me up at Lekky ave friend, let’s get twisted.

HAPPY ENDING

AQUARIUS

(Jan 20 - Feb 18)

It’s 20-spine-teen! Visit a chiropractor you rigid twat.

TAURUS

(Apr 20 - May 20)

It’s 20-nein-teen! This year you really need to find the meaning of ‘no’.

LEO

(July 23 - Aug 22)

It’s 20-shrine-teen! Time to reassemble your One Direction shrine!

SCORPIO

(Oct 23 - Nov 21)

It’s 20-dine-teen! Treat yourself to a fancy restaurant dinner. You deserve it.

PISCES

(Feb 19 - Mar 20)

It’s 20-lime-teen! Doesn’t really rhyme, but you’re gonna spend all $1000 of course-related costs on those bad boys this year.

GEMINI

(May 21 - Jun 20)

It’s 20-mine-teen! Take what’s yours.

VIRGO

(Aug 23 - Sep 22)

It’s 20-vine-teen! Watching Vine compilations still isn’t a personality though.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

It’s 20-brine-teen! Stop being so salty all the goddamn time.

ARIES

(Mar 21 - Apr 19)

It’s 20-fine-teen! Puberty will finally work out for you!twat.

CANCER

(Jun 21 - Jul 22)

It’s 20-wine-teen! Time to put down the cider and move to something a little classier. Goon.

LIBRA

(Sep 23 - Oct 22)

It’s 20-whine-teen! Complain more!

CAPRICORN

(Dec 22 - Jan 19)

It’s 20-sign-teen! Take the hint. They don’t like you. They love you.