CANTA ISSUE 14, 2018 by CANTA

KIA ORA BEAUTIFUL UC STUDENTS!

Please consider this CANTA’s gift to you!

An extra edition of CANTA – that’s dirtier, smuttier, and sexier than usual.

Sex is a very normal part of the human experience, and students are pretty good at going at it like rabbits. But even so, people’s sex and relationships remain a pretty taboo subject and we don’t talk about it enough. So CANTA thought it was about time to celebrate and talk about all the various forms that love, sex, and relationships can come in.

As some of you know, we recently released a sex survey, we kept it optional and anonymous but boy oh boy we had an overwhelming response! Close to 1000 people filled out our survey and my god, what an unholy bunch you all are.

Spread throughout this magazine you will find a breakdown and the best bits from this survey, a blind dates marathon, sexy food tasting, and an instructional on how to buy your first sex toy… so please enjoy xo

On a more serious note, we also want to thank everyone who shared their experiences and acknowledge the great feedback we got about the survey.

NOTE: Some people wanted clarity over the term ‘sexual debut’. Essentially it was coined to be a more inclusive term for those who don’t participate in heterosexual sex and avoid ambiguity. A ‘sexual debut’ refers to the first time you had a sexual experience, however you choose to define it.

*OUR DATES WERE PRINTED AS SUBMITTED, WITHOUT PROOFING

Not a bad date if I must say, could’ve gone worse, but went the right way. I was nervous before no questions asked, shaking and sweating as I walked down the path. Walked into Shilling Club with a bit of stumble, asked the guy for a Ca-canta table I mumbled. I turned around and saw a cutie talking to her mate, but nah she’s out of my league and not here for a date? I got shown to my table sat down and I waited. I saw her coming, got up and gave her hug, shout out to CANTA for being the plug! We exchanged names and got into the menu, took advantage of the tab and the venue. Ordered some wedges, some waffles and a vegan mango salad, I think we went pretty hard all the other dates around us seemed pallid. She got a Somersby and I got a Kingfisher, after the drinks were in us the convo flowed easier. We talked about where we’ve travelled or where we wanted to go, talked about some passions and asked questions we both wanted to know. She’s definitely clever, but couldn’t guess where I was from, then went on to talk about how she wanted to

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Before arriving at the Shilling club, the nerves started to creep in, and my life was suddenly becoming Eminem’s song “Lose Yourself” as my palms were sweaty, my knees were weak and arms were heavy although luckily there wasn’t vomit on my sweater or mums spaghetti. I arrive at the shilling club and to my surprise my date was already there, I was greeted with a hug and suddenly all nerves went away. Boy was I lucky because my date had been starving themselves too so we could order some primo food - Loaded Wedges, Vegan mango salad, Waffles with ice cream and a classy Somersby apple cider - that was some 5 star dining to me. Not long after getting to know eachother our date became a threesome (I know what you’re thinking, shit that was quick, I want some of that action, Josh really hooked you up.. but let me explain).

Unfortunately the knight in shining armour of the girl next to us had to run to his Law class, good thing she found out he was doing law early because we all know that he just made up the excuse of having class because his hemorrhoid was growing due to the pressure of holding in some serious argument so that’s a bullet dodged. So as this twosie became a threesie we decided we needed to have some sort of initiation to accept her into our clan so

find a prince and was tired of kissing frogs. We laughed about some accents, and she taught me a phrase in Maori. Rambled about some awkward dates and past weird stories. Started playing with our food like ten year olds do. Put some mango and syrup on a wedge, added some cream, lettuce and ice-cream dripping off the edge. We got a visitor about half way through the date, and through it all made a new mate. Our date started at one and before we knew it it was done, we walked up to the library to kill some more time, cause she had a meeting to go to and I had work at five. We walked back to my place and played a bit of piano, talked about our Uni lives and a bit of Mono. She likes Thailand, loves her culture and passionate about animals. Really loves her mom and at this time is being so strong. Appreciated the time we had, but that’s about all I can add. She was fab. Thank you to CANTA for this awesome date, would I do it again with her? Well we’ll have to wait.

date one

we did what only 21 odd year mature university students would do, we made a loaded wedge, mango, salad, ice cream and maple syrup covered monster of a forkful for her to eat, and she did it. She ate that bad boy. Now I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when I arrived at the Shilling club and met A, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack and then A joined in later. And one day ago....when C introduced herself to us, I thought: “Wait a second. Could it be? And now, I know for sure. I just added one more person to my wolf pack.”...Three of us wolves, eating at the shilling club together at UC, looking for strippers and cocaine. Now this might sound like it’s from the movie The Hangover, and damn right it is. My life went from sweaty palms, weak knees and heavy arms to finding my wolf pack, don’t worry though, in our threesome we made sure we were safe, no sexually transmitted diseases were caught, no bodily fluids were exchanged, no real cocaine was taken because fortunately unlike Alan in The Hangover we didn’t cut our hands and become blood brothers. With that being said all in all, the date was a success.

So I arrived right on time to the Shilling Club and was seated at the table wedged between 2 other couples clearly also on blind dates. As I sat there waiting for my date to arrive I was seriously questioning why I signed up for this. It was too late to back out now though and I was looking forward to a decent meal. My date arrived fashionably late and told me his friends had been helping make him presentable for like an hour. Appreciated the effort, thanks.

The date started off with your typical small talk and never really progressed from there. We discussed what we were studying, our experiences at the halls, where we were from etc.

I will admit it was a little disappointing finding out he was a fresher, as I generally would prefer an older guy. Naturally this meant he would really have to really step up his game for me to overlook this fact. You can’t blame

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I want to start this by saying sorry to everyone reading the sex edition looking for some homebrand 50 Shades of Grey in this blind date, this isn’t where you’ll find it.

Before the date was taken up by an hour or so of the boys ripping into me for various style mistakes, and not being able to iron my shirt because someone’s mum had taken the one ironing board in the hall (wtf who still gets mum to do their laundry once they leave home??). So I headed to the Shilling Club half-full of confidence, arriving late, but hopefully not late enough I looked like a dick.

I spotted a girl sitting alone at a table for two so went over hoping it was my date, and indeed it was. We covered all the usual point of small talk with relatively few awkward silences, which I was relieved about, before ordering some lunch and drinks - mango chicken and a pilsner for me, she got a cider and falafel salad.

me for holding a grudge against them, especially when they aren’t even paying for their first year of uni (thanks Jacinda).

We didn’t seem to have many things in common and the conversation would die out quickly. However, one thing we both take an interest in is tramping and we discussed the various places we had been. All in all it was not a terrible date and he was perfectly nice. The spark just wasn’t there. My date finished his lunch and drink well before me and I felt the need to guzzle back my cider as politely as I could so we weren’t both trapped there.

There was a hug goodbye but when no numbers or details were swapped at the end of the date, I think we both were in agreement that this would remain our first and last date.

Cheers to the Shilling Club and CANTA for the great food and the luxury of having a cider with lunch.

date two

The meal took it’s time arriving and we both decided this was a deliberate policy to make sure people couldn’t bail on these too early. But there wasn’t much danger of that here, we were getting on pretty well and despite being from Hamilton she was really chatty and a good laugh. We didn’t have a huge amount in common but it turned out we both enjoyed hiking so shared a few stories about that. We also chatted about about what we were doing on a blind date in the age of Tinder. As it turned out both of us were there because our mates spam tagged us in Josh’s post about it and I think Canta were running out of people who actually volunteered. After finishing the meals and a bit more talking we did the classic slightlyawkward blind date hug goodbye and headed our separate ways.

Overall I really enjoyed it, the food was the best I’ve had in weeks and she was a cool girl. I’m not really a dating person and we didn’t exchange numbers or anything so I don’t see there being a second but it was definitely fun.

WHETHER IT BE THROUGH INCOGNITO WINDOW INTERNET BROWSING OR A CLICKBAIT TAGLINE ON A MOVIE STREAMING SITE, YOU’VE PROBABLY COME ACROSS AN ARTICLE ABOUT APHRODISIACS. THE THING IS, WE POOR STUDENTS CAN’T BE WASTING OUR SWEET COIN ON THE OFTEN RARE AND WORLDLY PRODUCTS THESE ARTICLES RATE, YET STILL MAY WANT TO DELVE INTO THE APHRODISIAC WORLD. WELCOME TO THIS WEEK’S SPECIAL EDITION OF BEN APPETIT, WHERE WE TAKE A LOOK AT TEN AFFORDABLE YET INTERESTING APHRODISIACS.

Despite a lack of scientific backing, people can’t get enough of aphrodisiacs, those substances that when consumed, increase a person’s libido. Tales of Nutella and other questionable spreads in the bedroom even feature in this edition’s sex survey.

As a result, this list is more diverse than just whipped cream and raspberry jam (except for honey, which features in too many online articles for me to overlook it). Honey contains boron, which helps to regulate estrogen and testosterone levels, providing a natural energy boost. I ate a Manuka bush honey, because that’s totally how I roll. Oh honey. Chocolate is another widely known love food, causing spikes in dopamine and maybe proving that once you go black…

Asparagus has a high amount of vitamin E, which increases blood and oxygen flows (so you can finally maintain an erection, George!) High potassium levels are also linked to sex hormone production. Asparagus might be too spicy and uncommon the majority of basic white palates, so good luck. Maybe bananas are a better option, which are high in vitamin B and potassium. Let’s be real, that banana is probably larger than what’ll be following the meal anyway…

Basil is a Roman symbol for love and for good reason. Modern science says basil contains a variety of vivacious vitamins (and at least this herb is legal). I wonder if supermarket bakers are incredibly pent up, because garlic also makes this list as the poster child for the allium family (alongside leeks and onions). Wash out your gaping maw before getting anywhere near anyone though - maybe eat that New World loaf together for dinner hours prior.

Get your nut before the deed and eat a fistful of almonds! A prime source of beneficial fatty acids like omega-3, with the help of almonds even the #vegang can get up with the aphrodisiac times. With a shape similarly sensuous to almonds, the pear-shaped avocado has a reputation as far back as the Aztecs. The Aztec word for avocado is “ahuacatl,” which means “testicle,” funnily enough. Maybe that explains Auckland’s population boom?

Oysters are a commonly known aphrodisiac for being high in zinc which trigger the production of sex hormones. When I ate the canned oysters as pictured, I absolutely gagged, so despite their promiscuous properties a sweeter food might be preferred. Take figs for example, which have sexual links even in the Bible. Both oysters and figs are pumping with amino acids, .

There you have it, ten things to eat before your next meal. The next time you hit up the bedroom, maybe check out the pantry first! With a bit of luck you’ll be rating your next night a hearty 10/10 BENS.

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Heading into this date I didn’t have much hope. I’m a gay student, feeling lost in a community where I’m surrounded by other guys who have commitment issues and are just looking for dick. Not me! (not right now at least)

In typical me fashion, I was fashionably ‘on time’ to my date because I don’t like being the first to arrive. I was greeted by a happy looking guy, who seemed a little bit nervous; as was I. After shaking our way through the menus and moments of awkward silences, we decided to be spontaneous and order when the waiter came back.

I’m going to stop you here if you’re looking for a story where I rip into a guy like some of the savage bitches that have had a blind date through Canta. There wasn’t much juicy goss to report from my date.

We talked about generic things that most do: what degrees we are studying, where we are from, what we like to do with our spare time yada yada. He seems smart as he has the motivation to actually do his honours, me

on the other hand... 3 years is enough thanks. I was surprised by the fact that I hadn’t seen or come across him through my search for the one, considering just how small Christchurch is and especially the gay community here. Everyone seems to know everyone, so it was nice to chat with someone that I knew absolutely nothing about before meeting.

After about an hour of chatting and stuffing our faces with salads like the health conscious gays we are, I had decided to go to my lecture and part ways. I just didn’t really feel a connection with the guy, although I must say he seems like one of the nice ones. You’ve restored my faith in the fact that the right guy is out there for me, and I’m sure you will find yours too. plays “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”

I’m not one to give out my details straight away, nor one to give hugs out like Jacinda hands out fuel taxes. Instead, we paused momentarily outside of the Shilling Club, said goodbye and that was the end of that.

date three

I’m gonna start by saying I’m a freaking catch. I’m a solid 7/10, the best cook in my flat and a general delight to be around. However I suck at dating and putting myself out there ‘emotionally’, which is a problem as the clocks ticking on finding myself a husband. Recently, my only options for finding a relationship seemed to be turning my flat-mates gay (60% there already) or turning myself straight and finally sleeping with my best friend. However, a blind date seemed like a more practical option and no matter what, I got a free feed out of it (spoiler: food was mean).

After questioning all my life choices leading up to this moment, I headed to the Shilling Club and heavily considered slamming a few shots to calm the nerves. After sitting down and freaking the fuck out for a few minutes he finally arrived. My first thoughts were, “Oh good, I don’t know this dude”, followed by “Oh shit he’s actually fit”. We introduced ourselves and got right into standard chat about Uni, flatting, social activities and such. Good news is that he seems way too nice to be mean in his write up (or I hope).

I quickly established that not only is this dude goodlooking, he’s also quite smart, has career goals, is a valuable member of the UC community and seems to know what he’s doing in life. Which is completely opposite to me – bit of a menace, loves mono waaaay to much and no idea what to do after Uni. Also I’m a postgrad veteran and he’s a bright eyed second year – the age difference made clear by our hairlines. Regardless we managed to get through the date without going fully off the rails and me embarrassing myself and I enjoyed the yarns.

However at the end of date we went our separate ways, him to a lecture and me back home to probably slam those shots I never had. Overall it was a fun experience well out of my comfort zone, and a great way to get the rig back into the dating scene. Even though I had a great time I don’t think there was much chemistry and we didn’t exchange info. However that could have just been me being a complete drongo – so if you’re keen to hang again, you can stalk my Instagram (or Grindr, whatever’s easiest) or just find me in the crowd at Mono.

SEX! WHO’S HAVING IT? WHO WANTS IT? ME ME ME.

I first gave my flower away on my wedding night to my first husband, Harold. His name was Harold Chambers. Harold is dead now. Our first time together was as exciting as choking down a cold sausage. Ours was a marriage that Mother arranged and at least Harold was rich even if he was a secret chutney ferret. But enough about me! I’m here to help!

Question:

Hi Grandma, my boyfriend wants to try anal and I’m interested but scared. Should I?

Anon Hi Annie, Your chap wants to try anal? SO WHAT? What man doesn’t! Men will try stick their diddles into anything, absolutely anything. Just revolting. But my love, it’s entirely up to you if you want to take it in the REDACTED IT’S ALL ABOUT CONSENT. My backdoor Betty has an exit only policy so you’ll never catching me boiling sheets after a whoopsie.

Good luck with the chocky starfish, Gran

Dear Ngaire, Everyone at uni talks about sex a lot and I still haven’t done that much. It makes me embarrassed. Am I a freak?

Hi Ngaire, What porn do you think is best?

Jenifer

Hi Jenifer, Personally I don’t enjoy pornography. I’d rather eat the hot dog then watch someone enjoy it. Although I do rather love David Attenborough documentaries. Gosh aren’t all those animals HORNY?!

God bless, Ngai

Hey Ngaire where you been? Giz a root? Churr

Jeremy

Dear sweet child, Bless your heart, my angel. You’re not a freak, not at all. And trust me - I’ve screwed my share of freaks. It sounds as though you’re just around some people who’ve had more bad sex than you or are telling you fibs. It’s always the ones who are quiet about it who are getting the most and the loudest people who brag are either crap shags or not getting any. Be patient, try not to stress and have a wank. Lots of lubricant and self love.

Ngaire (formerly called Destiny of Hamilton’s ShowGirls)

Dear NKB

Whats your type of man? Or woman? Or non binary individual?

Bee

Hi Bee, great question. I love a man who looks like he could start a lawn mower but also a man who knows not to get lippy back at me when I’m cross. Also someone who can make me laugh (but not in the bedroom) John Key looks with a Billy T personality. And someone who knows how to treat a taint.

Ngaire.

Why, hello there! I have been quiet haven’t I? I’m sorry. After winning a division 6 LOTTO pay out I’ve been travelling the Gold Coast with my friend Pat in a camper van. We’ve had a marvellous trip. I met a Philippino lady who made me noodles! We saw her boobs too. And yes! Of course you can have a root! I’d be delighted. You sound fun. Pop round to my unit at the rest home and let’s get stuck in.

See you soon, Ngaire

During my time at university my ‘dating’ has consisted of a small number of flings and a heap of messages to tinder matches at 1am after a big night at Mono (to moderate degrees of success), so when the final round of Canta Lucky Dip came around I jumped at the opportunity!

This was my first blind date, so I made the decision to arrive a few minutes early and tried to get comfortable knowing what was ahead. Seeing the other dates seated and chatting away added a bit of pressure, but I held out in the hope that things would go smoothly. She arrived a couple of minutes later and the pleasantly awkward greetings of a blind date followed. The waiter brought over our menus and we both agreed the loaded wedges was a must. I’m not sure if she had many but I made sure to help myself (shout-out to CANTA).

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To start off, I decided to go for a blind date for a bit of fun since it’s the last issue and thought it was the perfect way to procrastinate.

The date started off alright, I felt bad for making him wait as the other blind dates that had already started but we got straight down to business with a handshake. One crucial point I think we forgot to do was to introduce ourselves, which is a rookie mistake on my part as I have a habit of doing this. I didn’t realise this until after he left, though thankfully we have a few mutual friends and I found out what his name is through the lovely waiter.

Now I don’t want to bore you guys with our conversations as we talked about pretty standard first date topics around uni, travel and our plans after uni. We went ahead and ordered lemonade, wedges, and our own main meals. After an hour of chatting I made the mistake of asking if he had anymore classes in the afternoon, to which he said that he had an ‘unrecorded law lecture that he had to get

We began chatting and found we had a few things in common; she was going on the MGMT China Trip (me being lazy had not even applied for it) but I did know a close friend who was also going, which got us talking. The conversation flowed well from there and aside from a few awkward pauses between mouthfuls of food we spent most of the time chatting away. However, as soon as she mentioned she was an Arts and Commerce student I realised it wasn’t going to work out. As a law student, I need a certain level of intelligence to vibe with that only law students can provide.

After a large rush of students around the Shilling Club I realised I was late for my torts lecture and had to head off quickly, making sure to thank her for the experience. I enjoyed my time but don’t know if there’ll be another date in the future, so ladies I’ll be seeing you on tinder!

date four

to’ and swiftly asked the girl next to us for the time. Alas, it was time for him to go and man did he bolt out of there faster than you can say Usain Bolt. I was left with food that hadn’t been finished and felt a bit flustered that my date left so abruptly. I thought it was the end until the girl started talking and let me join her conversation with her date.

This is how I ended up third-wheeling the couple next to me and making the most of the tab with a cheeky cider whilst making new friends and having mean yarns which made up for feeling like a bride who got left at the altar. Thanks to my date for a good chat, you really embraced the whole ‘live law, love law’ life and a massive SHOUT OUT to the couple next to me who initiated me into their table by feeding me a concoction of a piece of wedge topped with sour cream, chick peas and mango which was drizzled with syrup. I’m now glad that my date left in a hurry as I managed to meet more people than I had bargained for and ended up having a better time.

ANY FUNNY/EMBARRASSING SEX STORIES COME TO MIND?

“There’s just the classic, screwing your best mates best mate (the one whose been overseas - you see where I’m going?). Before you realise who he is. Yeah smart. That was a really great official introduction at the flat a week later. Especially when you both couldn’t get him to keep it up.”

HE HUMMED DARUDE’S SEMINAL WORK SANDSTORM DURING SEX FOR “MOTIVATION” AS HE PUT IT.”

“Having a girl text her flatmates to come into the room to check out the size of my cock, followed by them all having a feel, before wishing her good luck, laughing and then leaving.”

“THE SECOND I WAS ABOUT TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY ONE OF MY MATES BURST INTO THE ROOM AND SQUATTED ON THE BED, SLAV STYLE.

I was giving a blow job and as he finished he said that’ll do pig because we just watched babe earlier that day and I laughed resulting in it coming out of my nose. Does that count as spitting or swallowing?

“I was giving a blowjob while watching the little mermaid and stopped mid-way to just watch the movie. My partner at the time proceeded to tap me on the face with his dick and made my nose bleed. Got to watch the rest of the movie in peace.”

“MY BOYFRIEND WANTED TO TIE MY ARMS, BUT WE COULDN’T FIND ANYTHING SO WE USED A PHONE CHARGER CORD.”

WHICH SEXUAL ACTS DO YOU PARTICIPATE IN?

%0 %10 %20 %30 %40 %50 %60 %70 %80 %90

“MY SEXUAL DEBUT WAS WHEN I WAS DRESSED UP AS CAPTAIN FEATHERSWORD”

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With two cans of chickpeas and an empty box of muesli on my cupboard shelf getting the message to go on the CANTA blind date was a godsend. When else would I have the opportunity to taste the famous dumplings and eat salmon on the university budget?

I trekked down to the shilling club and took a seat amongst the five other blind date couples. I arrived before my date and positioned myself to face the windows in case I needed to make a quick escape. Yet, hopes were high and I waited by fantasising about how my future date would look like a mixture between Tom Hardy and UC’s own law lecturer Sacha Mueller. However, my hopes were dashed when I saw a fellow twink walk over to the table. There’s room for only one annoying twink in the bedroom and that’s me. Considering it was a day date I felt like getting sloshed on free white wine would have been frowned upon so I got a respectful flat white, however, looking across at the other tables who had alcohol I cursed inwardly. But although we were both sober, there were no awkward silences and we got on despite his love of soundcloud rappers. Conversation mainly stemmed around the recent Lana Del Ray and Azealia Banks drama and who we thought had come up on top (100% Lana Del

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So about one year after realizing I was bi I was finally on my first date with a man thanks to Canta. I was fairly nervous beforehand but my fears were put at ease as we settled easily into conversation. As my date pointed out I did dress quote on quote “straight” for the date which could’ve been bad, but him being in classic law student attire of a sweater with new balances didn’t make me feel to out of place. We got a good amount of food again thanks to Canta. Despite my date knowing nothing about SoundCloud rappers (a travesty) our mutual connection over the Lana VS Banks beef proved riveting. Being a lunch date I did not have my trusty friend alcohol to rely upon so hopefully I wasn’t too much of an awkward mess. I did tell him to not write anything too mean so if he’s rude I will feel betrayed hurt and vengeful. I think my main fuck up was forgetting the name of the show Queer Eye, immediately bringing down my level of gayness.

Rey don’t @ me). After an hour and a half we went our separate ways and I was left to spend another fruitless night on grindr sending “you up?” texts to another discrete tradie to come over

Random points about our date

•In regards to his rings and necklaces I had seen more subtle fake jewellery on a drag queen

•The salmon roulade had a bit too much cream cheese in it

• We both agreed Rihanna is the living embodiment of big dick energy

•The shilling wait staff often looked over the dates like a proud parent at their daughters first netball game

Anyway, I wish I could spill more tea and could give the readers more drama but it was really just a pleasant lunch with no spark.

Soz team.

date five

(Look some of us queers have bad memories I’m sorry!!). Even with this catastrophic mistake I think I held my own pretty well in conversation. We didn’t seem to share many common interests, my date was very invested in drag which I’ll admit is a respectful and honestly very cool interest. Unfortunately I know nothing about drag unless the movie Miss Doubtfire counts which as I’m writing I think might be offensive but it’s all I got. (Is it rude?? I’m sorry!! I’m just trying to relate.) All in all my first gay date went well, I left untraumatised and feeling pretty good. At the same time I don’t think I can really see a second date in the pipeline, just wasn’t a connection in that way. I mean we ended the date with a handshake which although polite doesn’t exactly scream fireworks and love. Maybe I’ll catch you at mono sometime.

Xoxo - bi boy

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Other than all the studying, pathing a promising future and ruining our blood alcohol levels, university is the place to explore our sexual selves. A time in our lives where our libidos are running rampant, apparently more so for the ladies! However, the overwhelming majority of us won’t delve outside the realm of conventional, vanilla sex.

I am a third-year student myself, who works as a content author at Adulttoymegastore and have naturally experienced my share of pleasurable playthings. If you had said anything to me about sex toys a year ago, I would’ve been clueless and even felt a bit intimidated. However, by the power invested in me and the 14-inch suction-cup dildo chilling on my work desk, I am here to guide you towards your first sex toy experience.

The most comfortable way to enter the world of sex toys is by getting something you can experience on your own. For the lads this might be a masturbator or a cock ring, for the lasses this is typically a dildo or vibrator. What’s great about better solo sessions is that you get to know yourself and your body better. The better you understand what specific spot, motions or intensities feel best, the better your sex life will be! All memes aside you can legitimately claim you own a sex toy “for research purposes.”

The other thing you have to consider is how inconspicuous you want your sex toy to be. Are you loud and proud or are you going to wait until the flatmates are definitely asleep or watching Netflix. My Fleshlight sits on my bedroom desk, nobody cares and most people laugh. Just please remember when your flat inspections are, when your parents are visiting, when your flatmates parents are visiting or when the plasterers are coming around to fix the hole in the wall. Some vibrator motors may produce a slight buzzing sound. But it’s nowhere near as loud or noticeable as the dull mattress squeaking coming from your flatmates room (headphones in it is…).

You may have to read your flat in this case, are they algood with it? Or might they be weird about it? It’s 2018 for goodness sake! In my experience, sex toys have been the start of many interesting conversations with other students. In fact, I’ve been pulled aside in the middle of a rager to talk vibrator recommendations! Once by a girl who had no idea where to start and again by a guy who knew his GF wanted one.

Young people in general are open and excited by the idea of sex toys, it just seems to take a slight linguistic nudge or a few feijoa long whites to open such sex positive discussion.

Before beginning your sensual search, it may be worthwhile to acknowledge your desires. Looking for more orgasms or stronger orgasms? Then vibrators and cock rings are your lusty launchpad. Do you enjoy your body being restricted or some light choking? Then beginner’s bondage toys might be a place to start. Or maybe you’ve always wondered how it might feel to satisfy your personal self-fulfilling prophecy, checkout the dildo category!

The final thing I’d like to emphasise, is that if you’re using sex toys with someone. It needs to be with someone you trust! Someone you feel completely comfortable communicating with outside and inside the bedroom. Common fears around using sex toys is that it might affect intimacy in the bedroom. If done right this isn’t the case! But it might take a bit of practice to figure out the most beneficial ways you’d like to share it. It’s one of the more pleasurable things you’ll get to practice!

And in the words of the local legend himself: “Practice makes perfect” - Dan

By Orin Ruaine-Prattley Carter

CANTA’S BEN O’CONNELL SPOKE TO CHRISTCHURCH-BASED SEX WORKER RILEY JUSTIN TO UNCOVER THE REALITIES OF THE ADULT ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.

HOW DID YOU GET INTO SEX WORK?

I actually sought it out. A friend and I were talking at her place so we decided to do a bit of research and found out about the NZPC (New Zealand Prostitutes Collective) so we went in to talk to them. They’re super amazing and friendly, gave us heaps of advice, and arranged an interview with a parlour in the city. She didn’t end up going through with it but it was great to go with someone. That was almost 5 years ago and I still work there (but I pretend I’m still 21).

WHAT DOES YOUR WORK INVOLVE?

Sex, obviously!! The parlour I work at offers full service and sensual massage. The full services includes a massage, oral and sex while the sensual is a nude massage and hand relief (think happy ending). But that’s not all it is. A lot of our clients come in for the company and to chat with our friendly ladies. Most of the regulars are old clients of the owner so they come in and have a coffee with her then make a booking.

WHAT DO YOU ENJOY ABOUT SEX WORK? WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE?

I love the other ladies. They’re such a supportive bunch (plus they taught me a lot about make up) and I’ve loved the travel that I’ve been able to do. There’s a club in

Auckland that I go to whenever I’m up that way which is super fun. It’s a huge ego boost, too! It’s so cool to see women that are in a bit of financial hardship able to get a leg up too, or to just get ahead. I know of a girl who was 20 and she bought a house after working for 6 months. I’ve also been able to get a few friends into the industry and it’s helped them a lot, whether it’s to pay off bills or to be able to afford to eat healthily (which can be difficult for a student, amirite?) I even get a bit of study in between bookings so I’m either learning or making money. It’s what I call “commission only sales” so you don’t get many bookings, you don’t make that much money. It’s swings and roundabouts though so if some day is dead the next week will be super busy so it’s important to know how to budget. The economy of the industry is really interesting too, finding out when is busy and when is slow (think school holidays). If I’m ever asked “what’s a smart girl like you doing in a place like this?” I can just say “earning $100+ an hour.” It almost makes up for the wage gap. It’s also been a hit to my standards. If I’m on a date and it’s shit, I’ll just be thinking “I could be getting paid for this!!”

HOW DO YOU STAY SAFE AND HEALTHY?

The NZPC are amazing and they offer a free sexual health clinic every week and drop in coffee and chat sessions. They also have a book that they give out with their starter kits that are full of information. Emotional health is also really important when you’re doing this kind of intimate work. I’m also in a few Facebook groups that we can kind of bitch about annoying clients and such. I have lots of supportive friends in and out of the industry and that I can talk about it to them is really awesome and normalises it for me. I’m picky with who I tell but they’re all super supportive. Sometimes you have a shit

client and you just lie back and think of England but it’s no different than when I was waitressing and you’d have the occasional table of morons but you just gotta smile through it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION ABOUT WORKING IN THE SEX INDUSTRY?

People often think that it’s a dark and scary industry. I’m well aware that it’s definitely a spectrum and there are different levels of privilege when it comes to sex work, but all in all, I’ve never felt threatened or unsafe at work. I’ve felt more nervous on tinder dates than I have at work because I know that the boss isn’t far away if anything goes wrong. I’ve honestly been more upset by a bad customer in my retail job than I ever have in the sex industry. I can’t speak for every worker, but every one I’ve come across in the last 5 years is there by choice and loving it.

We are lucky in NZ in that there are regulations around things like safe sex and clients can be prosecuted for breaching them. It’s helped me be a lot more assertive in my own life as well because you do occasionally get a boundary-pushing client. The other thing is the glamour. I work with so many gorgeous women but we’re all human. Sometimes you’re just waiting for a booking to end so you can put him in the shower and let out the fart you’ve been holding in for the last hour!

HOW DO YOU THINK ESCORTING FITS IN WITH FEMINISM OR FEMALE EMPOWERMENT?

It absolutely fits. For me as a sole trader it’s so empowering to know that as long as I have a body (and a great smile) I will always have an income. I was a bit surprised when I went for my interview and she just said “wanna start tomorrow?” It’s really cool to know I have this opportunity. I’ve worked with women of all types, sizes and ages so there’s no one sort of worker which is awesome to see.

ANY STORIES ABOUT YOUR BEST/FAVORITE CLIENTS, WORST CLIENTS, AND FUNNY SITUATIONS?

I think one of my best bookings was with a guy who was like an 11/10. All the other girls were too intimidated to go talk to him so I started chatting and he booked me. The sex was so good - I would’ve paid him! The funniest bit is usually after when you can gossip to the other girls about a club regular and things like that. We have a regular who makes a bit of noise when he finishes - but not what you’d expect. No one told me and I thought he was having a heart attack! I always make sure to warn the new girls if he ever books one of them now.

Thanks for your time, Riley! Do you have anything you’d like to cover?

If you’re curious and want to hear more of my story you can check out my interview on episode 3 of The A-Slut Podcast on iTunes. And if you’re interested in the industry and want to see what it’s about, talk to the lovely ladies at the NZPC in Waltham and they can help you out.

date six

Despite my previous encounter with Lucky Dip earlier in the year, I can’t say that I was prepared for what my night was about to entail. Untraditionally, the date was held at the Foundry and I knew who the lucky man was beforehand – I couldn’t be more grateful. I can’t say entering the Foundry during an early Thursday night was anything out of the ordinary, but the lack of company and alcohol in my system made me feel otherwise.

I didn’t expect anything phenomenal, however, I don’t really think the Foundry understands the definition of romantic. The double date was quickly separated and each of us were escorted into our own makeshift dingy rooms, set up with a beautifully set table and a couch for cuddling. As we took a seat, the lights dimmed, and mood music filled the air. Simon was really pulling out all the stops and we were nothing short of impressed. As he downed his first glass of wine I could see where this date was heading, and with a $100 bar tab I definitely wasn’t complaining. I was missing my best friend’s 21st for this

one side other side

Surprisingly I was relatively nervous pre-date. In fact, with no time to pre-drink or get changed, I had little chance of making this the best date she’s ever had. I did have good intentions - Flowers, a fresh spray of cologne and slick hair but instead, she got a flustered mess after a busy day at uni. But, alas, surely a classy date at the Foundry with a $100 would seal the deal. But who am I kidding, I’m fucked. The Foundry is a shithole and I’m late, this isn’t a good start. But at least the bloke from the other date was late too and he also didn’t bring flowers, there’s hope yet!

I showed up, champagne on entry. How cute, attempts to make the place ‘classy’ but there’s no hiding the fact that last time I was here I got kicked out, and fuck, the bloody Foundry manager Simon proceeded to tell my date about it. This isn’t going well; she knows I’m a pisshead before I’ve even had the chance to say hello. Simon escorted my date and I to our table again further attempts to make the Foundry ‘classy’ and this time with the addition of mood lighting, romantic music and a private table it was almost achieved. The conversation flowed, she had beautiful blue eyes, lovely long curly hair and a very infectious smile! Tick, tick, tick although I usually go for brunettes, and she’s blonde… Surely a few more wines and I won’t mind! And boy oh boy did the wines come, firstly a Sav

after all, so I had to make it count. He ordered a bottle of wine and no food for the both of us – this date was just getting better and better. A couple more glasses in and the conversation flowed perfectly. He suggested a game of pool with the other half of our so-called double-blind date and having never played before I made sure to down a few more glasses of wine and beer, following with a shot beforehand.

As the night unfolded, the alcohol flowed faster than the conversation, and we were left on smiling and giggling on the couch in the green room. CANTA said he had the perfect man in mind for me and he wasn’t too far off. Tall, confident, easy-going and not too bad looking either. His chat wasn’t bad, he loved his wine and had me laughing for half the date – I couldn’t really ask for much better.

The date ended abruptly with each of us being pulled our separate ways. I was almost left wanting a little more.

followed by some shots, and beers and more wine! This was going to be a lot of fun. However, as the convo flowed I realised this a sham, not only had she been on a blind date before, she also knew she was going on a date with me! At least I knew she thought I was alright or she wouldn’t have shown up. We decided to ask our fantastic waiter Simon if we could play some pool against the two on the other date. After all, there is nothing like seeing a girl work some balls into some holes using a stick… But here was my first deal breaker, my date had never played pool before! WTF? Does she live under a rock? I do however commend her for trying, and she certainly picked it up fast. The highlight being when she leant over and whispered in my air ‘it’ll be your stick later’. Jeepers, maybe the lack of flowers didn’t matter. As the night went on we grew closer and closer… surely this blind date is better than her last. But we parted ways, agreeing to meet up at MONO later. She did have a 21st to get too.

Unfortunately, neither of us made it back to the Foundry that night. I do have her number, so who knows what the future holds? Another date? I wouldn’t complain! Thanks, CANTA for the Blind date and a huge shout out to Simon the best waiter and the man that achieved the impossible - turning the Foundry into a great space for a first date.

Double Date

one side

With a 4pm tee off, I had to leave work early for what I told my boss was a “super important meeting” at uni. I was maybe slightly overdressed, completely sober, and thinking about spreadsheets when I arrived with my mate (who also had a blind date at the same time). What I also didn’t expect going in was that this would be one of the larger events on my calendar. The earlier disappointment of finding out that my blind date wasn’t actually blind was instantly alleviated away when I first saw her – she was easily a 20/20 (vision joke ha, but also true). From first impressions, she seemed totally cool and the chat flowed well. She was also a postgrad, had enough mutual mates to find on Facebook without hassle, and had a similar taste in music and movies. And genuinely was just super easy to get along with. We had both been expecting to be sitting at your stock standard bar leaners, however, The Foundry staff had gone all out and prepped a candlelit table for each date with a huge divider between the two. They had also been cute and kindly rearranged the entire Foundry for us, so that we were sitting in where the stage normally goes. After being relieved to find out she wasn’t vegan we ordered wedges and a pizza to share. And of course, the wine. There was a high level of trust in her when she did the wine tasting ritual with the server to confirm that the wine was in fact wine. I could also confirm later the

other side

Alrighty…so CANTA blind date, where do I start!?

Needless to say I was a bag of nerves rolling into the Foundry. Attempted the fashionably late game, but still managed to get there first. Thankful for the glass of bubbles handed to me at arrival on the door. Shortly after my date arrived. First impressions? Tall guy, well dressed, maybe a little over dressed for a boozy blind date at the Foundry, but you do you. He was rocking one of those sweet, half-grown pedo moustaches that the engineering students seem to think is the height of trendy right now. Looking good friend, don’t worry, everyone knows that a moustache = personality right?

We had a lovely candle lit table set up for us by Simon at the Foundry, the serenity was real, on ya mate! One of my biggest fears coming into this thing was a total lack of good, humorous convo. Alas! Conversation and jokes went off like a frog in a sock! I would consider myself a bit of an extrovert, so it was awesome to be paired with someone I could talk with, and not at. In true foundry style, we were straight into the drink. A lovely South Island Pino Gris, perfectly paired with the infamous Foundry wedges. Our initial conversation revolved around the usual, where

wine was definitely wine. (the following I say with 70% certainty) She had been really prepared and printed out The New York Times “36 Questions That Lead to Love” in case we needed convo starters, however, before we got to crack into that, we were informed that we had been challenged to a game of pool by the other date. Many drinks, shots, not much food, shots, and some sub-par pool later, we finally got into the 36 questions for a good period of time. She eventually had to head off to a flat meeting, so, unfortunately, we only got through half way through the list, but I can tell you that some deep conversation was probably had. After she left I was still determined to complete the Mono-soundcheck-actualMono combo (can we call that The Duo?). I honestly cannot tell you what happened in the following few hours other than I endorsed her on LinkedIn and reinvested my life savings back into the bar. Thanks CANTA and The Foundry for the date, but of course main thanks go to ******, really pleasantly surprised by the blind date experience, hopefully see you at the last Mono this week! Unfortunately, we only got through half of the 36 Questions That Lead to Love, and considering the success rate of CANTA’s previous blind dates, surely CANTA would consider hosting us on another blind date as an investment (we could wear really dark sunglasses and still call it a blind date)?

are you from? What do you study? How does dry cleaning work?! I mean…..what?! Shortly after, we were invited to a friendly game of pool by the blind date sitting next to us. We joined the others in the pool room, ready to bring our A game. My date had an interesting pool technique. Apparently the proper way to play pool is to use the que like a golf club? Seems legit. Conversation seemed to come to a lull, after my date insisted on continually defining himself as facetious. Is that a good thing to be telling your blind date over and over? But I was prepared, I had brought along the New York Times 36 questions that lead to love. What could be more comfortable than answering a bunch of questions with a complete stranger about your deepest fears and darkest secrets, or what your relationship with your mother is like? I knew they would save the day.

In conclusion, I would just like to say I had a wonderful time, and my date was a lovely guy. Cheers for the LinkedIn endorsement for communication. Hope you managed to get into mono after all that wine.

Double Date

date seven

the flowed meet

LET’S TALK KINKS! WHAT ARE YOU INTO?

“Look, imma break it down for ya’ll. I’m a simple man and I’m not into anything special, but a year or so ago I wanted to try out being called daddy. What started a meme between me and a sexual partner turned out to be a moment of self discovery and realisation. I’m not saying i need to be called daddy to nut or anything but it might help along the process. Thank you for coming to my ted talk about the daddy kink and please stop shaming my harmless choice of sexual activity.”

“ENJOY THE ODD HAND ON THE NECK- NOT LIKE PASSING OUT LEVEL OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, BUT A BIT OF PRESSURE IS GOOD! LOVES A GOOD HAIR PULL TOO!”

“LOL I LIKE BOYS THAT KEEP THEIR SOCKS ON.”

“Emotional connection and spreading Nutella on her clit so I can taste the sweet, sweet hazelnut before I give her my hazel nut”

“CLEANLY SHAVEN UNDERARMS”

“I like the feeling of weight into of me ?? like I have one of those weighted blankets cause it’s just a very nice feeling. Just having someone on tippy top of me in damn fine. According to my friends I also have a kink for dreads ahhh”

“pretending to be a man (imagining myself with a dick (only during sex occasionally, quite comfortable w my gender)”

“Slow, methodical missionarysex, 6pm at night, Coldplay on in the background.”

“ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES THEM YELLOW MINIONS.

“SEX IN RANDOM PLACES”

“STAR WARS PLAY, ESPECIALLY MY CHEWY SUIT”

“Shibari (groundwork and suspension), choking, face slapping, spitting, verbal and physical degradation, impact play (punching, kicking, canes, floggers, paddles, etc), Domination/submission, needle play, fire play, orgasm denial, forced orgasm, biting, pressure points, knives, wax, fearplay, sensory deprivation”

ANY SPECIFIC TURN OFFS?

“ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES THEM YELLOW MINIONS. “STARFISHING.”

“People who are full of themselves, long fingernails, smegma”

“Fake orgasms, fake loud moaning (please stop this does not turn me on)”

“BAD KISSERS.”

“A girl that can’t engage in foreplay properly.”

WHO“ENGINEERS NEEDASHOWER.”

one side

After a spooky fast reply to my message I had to come to grips with what I had done. Me? A blind date? My dating history consists mainly of friends-gone-lovers so sitting down with a stranger was a terrifying idea. Yet, there I found myself, ten minutes early (because I’m a classy lady) and absolutely shitting myself. I prayed to the gods that I’d know what questions to ask and that he’d find my witch cackle cute. The minutes pass as I fiddle with my phone, and he’s late. Suddenly, a beautiful smiling man pops into my periphery beside me. In a little bit of awe I burst into animation and almost go to shake his hand, just to hear him ask if I’m using all the chairs…fuck. My actual date rocks up shortly afterwards; obviously flustered about being late and just as anxious as I was. After mutual assurances of being chill people we managed to relax a bit, discovering mutual friends (that Christchurch-raised starter pack really hit home with the “what school did you go to?”) He orders a drink, I find my mouth saying “I’m fine with water” as my mind screams “who tf drinks water when the tab is being picked up??” but it was too late, I had been caught unprepared and I wasn’t about to look wishy washy. Heartbreakingly we could only select from the small selection of entrees. I had forgotten to eat lunch so this was the first and only truly

other side

I think the Editor takes all these failed dates a bit personally. As soon as he heard I had kinda fumbled my last one, he immediately demanded I do another. After a few cancellations due to things like illnesses, assignment due dates and lack of sleep, I eventually got placed into this gauntlet of special-editions you find yourself reading now. Since the last time, I got the hang of the very nihilistic idea that nothing will come of these blind date things. Don’t get me wrong, I still planned to have fun, chat about stuff, and drunk as much Rum and Coke as much as the waiter kept passing by, but yeah, nothing would happen. That’s life.

As such, through the sheer random luck that the universe has known for, I got paired with a girl who, after literally a minute, I found out knew my circle of friends by name and rank. Turns out they knew each other through a few Model UN’s. She was pretty, interesting, and very genuine. She was also an art student, so the boxes were pretty much ticked. We even agreed on the Beatles to some extent – while she admitted she hadn’t really listened to a lot of their stuff, she said that “I Want You

bad moment of the date. We sent the waiter away twice, as we were too busy talking to pick anything. I told him how I had been playing out the worst case scenarios in my head, one including being matched with a super right wing conservative boy (he said he would be respectful of someone’s beliefs in that situation, obviously a stellar human being) A couple topics later my stomach is sounding like a killer whale and nobody has stopped by our table since. My date asks if I mind if he bothers the waitress? I was very confused but realised why when he asks her if she can check with the kitchen how far away our food is because we had been waiting a while. I won’t lie, seeing the colour drain from his face when I told him we hadn’t ordered anything was a little bit fun. I am not a stellar human being. Our conversation skewed into past relationships and traumas. Eek. I know. I wasn’t really sure if it was something that gets brought up on a first date, but I’m a very open person so I didn’t mind listening and sharing. I was pretty shook though when he straight up asked “how is this going?” I hate letting people down, but he handled it like a champ with a sullen “I’m used to it.” Thanks for letting me eat all your chips and I hope you find yourself some sweet lovin very soon!

date eight

(She’s So Heavy)” was a ‘bop’, which shocked me, because at Uni I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t heard anything past “Love Me Do” or “Hey Jude.” I gotta admit, tho, I made a fool out of myself a couple of times out of sheer nervousness, like when I asked the waiter why our food was taking so long in spite of the fact that we hadn’t actually ordered. I’m also pretty sure I spat a small hunk of chip at one point. Thankfully nobody was hit, unlike the infamous Sneeze Incident of Issue #9. She called it ‘iconic’, which I later googled and found out was a popular phrase with the youth of today. Being a cool and pretty art student, she must’ve been much more up-to-date with her hipster vocab.

Unfortunately, seeing as how the thing was booked around the middle of the day, she had to take off to one of her lectures. The whole thing was enjoyable, but even tho I had fully committed to nothing happening, it still stung a little when she said that she wasn’t looking for anything like a relationship right now (which I can respect, but still, ouch). Best of luck to you, other Blind Date person. Hopefully I run into you again sometime!

I was chopping garlic at my friend’s flat, and with my garlicky fingers I opened the message confirming that I actually had a date that night. In 45 minutes. I made a judgment call that my date was unlikely to be a vampire, and the garlic would be more of a hindrance than a lifesaver, so much time was devoted to furious handwashing.

You know how to really impress on your date that you’re an organised, fully-functioning adult? Leave your ID in your car, after having parked that car stupidly far away, and then sprint back to said car wearing doc martens and a long skirt. In hindsight, I might’ve resembled an escaping Gloriavale member.

Being a total buffoon is actually a stellar ice-breaker. When I finally arrived for the second time, right out the gates we were laughing at my expense. To her credit, she was very gracious. I was quite lucky that she was so talkative, open and easy to make laugh – since I was coming to the end of a long day and my mental faculties were waning.

I’m a tragic over-sharer on first dates. Didn’t take long until we were swapping tales of disastrous threesomes. Yeah,

I evidently don’t manage to cultivate mystique or mystery. I swear we did manage to cover some more wholesome ground: her love of Ultimate Frisbee, plans to change degrees to something she actually liked (get wrecked, engineering) and our adventures in binge-watching. Oh, and the fact that she had an assignment due the next day that had yet to be finished. A brilliant exemplar of the procrastination streak we appeared to share.

As the Foundry began to transition into Mono-mode, we decided to skedaddle. But we didn’t get far before coming across a very drunk girl (who had, scandalously, also been on a blind date that she had apparently hated), someone who had already gotten kicked out of Mono and a fellow gay! And shit, us gays bond very quickly. Before we knew it, my date and I had been talking to the cutie in the red dress for 40 min.

Long story short, my sweet date walked with me back to my car – prolonging her pilgrimage to Eng-core to begin her all-nighter. My thoughts and prayers are with her as I write-up my ode to our date.

Maybe I’ll be seeing the girl in the cute dungarees again, if she survived that all-nighter.

CANTA was a bit desperate for another gay gal, so after about zero persuasion I decided I might as well go on this blind date. With this decision and the date itself happening in less than 12 hours there wasn’t a lot of time for nerves to kick in. Which doesn’t mean I didn’t nervously change my outfit 10+ times before heading to the foundry.

The date went off with only a slight hitch that she had left her ID in her car as she wasn’t planning on drinking. However, this was all water under the bridge as conversation flowed smoothly once she returned from a run through the rain to fetch the important bit of plastic.

With drinks and fries ordered the conversation flowed well, and PG13 tales of our various sexual and drunken endeavours began. Somehow, we went from talking about how there were way too many couples on tinder looking for threesomes to what TV shows we watched, and the more usual icebreaker topics. Somewhere along the line we jokingly made the ultimate (pinky) promise not to talk too bad about the other if the night went poorly. I’m happy

to say I don’t think there was any reason for either of us to break the pinky swear.

As we hit it off rather well (I’m pretty sure she agrees on that one) we ended up staying well after we finished our fries and drinks and into the territory of the early mono-ers. Yet the transition to a live DJ wasn’t enough for our night to come to an end. We ended up staying a bit longer and as we left ran into some fellow gays that hadn’t quite made it into mono. After standing around talking for another half hour, she was a true gentlewoman and offered to walk me home. As I was enjoying my night and procrastinating the all nighter I was about to start I happily agreed.

Overall, I’d say the date was a success as we managed to keep the conversation going for nearly 4 hours and swapped numbers. We ended the night with a hug and a (sarcastic) promise of a love letter via CANTA, so I’m optimistic in terms of a second date happening.

one side other side date nine

Last year Kiwi men made international headlines for being the worst lovers in the world… sorry guys:

psa: kiwi men have been rated the ‘worst lovers’ in the world – MTV Australia

Foreplay is so important, it not only gets you hot and ready, but it also makes you last longer (stamina, boys).

I have a big tongue – in fact it is exceptionally large. I pull it out as a party trick and touch my nose with it… pretty cool, eh?

Men From New Zealand Are The Worst At Sex In

The World – Mandatory.com

The best and worst LOVERS in the world revealed - but how did Australian men and women measure up? – The Daily Mail

New Zealand men rated worst lovers in the world – Stuff. co.nz

SO… with such a poor lens placed upon us, how can be sure to improve our skills in the bedroom?

My number one tip for you is to USE THAT MOUTH (to be read like Ty Pennington asking for a bus to be moved in Extreme Makeover Home Edition).

It is so large that I had to be in speech therapy for four years because I struggled with pronouncing ‘s’ sounds.

It wasn’t until I reached my sexual prime that I truly valued my tongue and discovered both my ability and love for eating ass.

As Aristotle famously said, “real men eat ass.”

These words could not be any more true, and I thank Aristotle for giving such sound advice.

The truth is, there is a secret to eating ass and it involves the ability to close one’s eyes, get nose deep, and go for it.

LIAM STRETCH

MY TOP 5 TIPS FOR EATING ASS:

1. Consent! – If someone does not want you to go down there, don’t!

2. Intuition – know what they want. Get to know the ass… it is a surprisingly friendly place. It’s a metropolis of nerves down there.

3.Don’t forget the hole! Pop your tongue in deep.

4.Lips help – kiss that pucker. I find reciting the Elton John’s - Your Song helps.

5.Get your hands involved too. Stick a finger in. Don’t forget their front, it is so important to give them a helping hand.

So hopefully you are a little more equipped to have the participant begging for more. Just don’t be afraid - as long as they keep it clean and eat an occasional salad – you should be fine.

date ten

one side other side

I turned up to the shilling club at 11.55 am on Thursday the 11th of October where I was ushered to a table in the lower part of the restaurant. It was at this table where I waited for my date to arrive. Around 12 o’clock she walked in and took a seat. There was the usual small talk about what degrees we were taking where we were from and the like. At this point the waiter had come around and gotten our drink orders where she ordered a flat white and I had a water. The conversion started to pick up once we started to find common interests such as skiing where we exchanged stories about places we’ve skied. After a while

the food turned up which was very nice, she got a bowl of chips and I got the pasta special which was very nice. Upon finishing the meal, we decided to get a beer each and finished off the date by exchanging stories about our halls and talking about our great love and dedication to Mono. All in all, it was a very enjoyable date which I think we both enjoyed but once I left the restaurant I realised that I couldn’t remember her name. It was a lot of fun and was worth all the hassle. I would recommend going on these blind dates for anyone looking for a free feed and some good bants.

CANTA’S ‘PHONED IT IN’ AWARD :(

I was nervous. But not for the usual reasons, honestly I was just nervous I’d pashed n dashed him at mono before. I’d signed up for the date when I was 20 minutes out of surgery so while I was in an ideal state of mind thanks to the free drugs, I probably wasn’t in the best place to be making decisions, but banter right? The shilling club is an intimating place, especially for a first date. It’s pretty damn posh for my standards, I’m more the type of chick who likes to be taken out for a beer and a blaze rather than being wined and dined (well unless it’s country medium white goon). But as I arrived we both managed to find some common ground about how fucking weird the situation was.

He was a cool dude, we got on well, yarned about skiing, how shit uni was etc etc, all the usual chat. Now I’m notoriously known for being into my older guys who tend

to be kind of dicky, so he wasn’t quite my type being first year and a decent lad, but hey always down for free food and chat.

The conversation moved to our plans for pre-gaming for mono that evening, and while we were on that topic we realised that we had free booze at our fingertips, and there’s no time like the present. So we got some beers, and due to having a general anaesthetic a few days before and not having eaten yet that day, by the end of the date I was tipsy, bordering on drunk. Things started to wind down and so we headed our separate ways. I had a chem lab straight after so I downed a wee bit more piss before I headed in and I’ve got to admit, I’ve never had more fun in a lab. Being steamed and doing titrations is surprisingly a great time, would recommend.

WHAT DOES CONSENT LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

“COMMUNICATION BETWEEN PARTNERS, VOCALLY ASKING AND AFFIRMING BEFORE AND DURING THAT EVERYONE IS STILL HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE. CHECKING IN WITH EACH OTHER AFTERWARDS AS WELL.”

“BOTH PEOPLE AGREEING TO ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY AND STOPPING IF SOMEONE WANTS TO STOP. ALSO GRABBING AND GROPING RANDOMS IS CONSENSUAL,NOTCAN GUYS ESPECIALLY STOP DOING IT?”

“BEFORE THE FUN BEGINS COVERING WHAT BOTH LIKE AND DON’T LIKE/ WANT TO DO.”

“IT’S

IT’S CONTINUOUS!”

“IT’S BEST TO KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE/DON’T LIKE BEFORE ANYTHING OCCURS, DOESN’T HAVE TO BE FULL 50 SHADES CONTRACT LIKE BUT IT’S GOOD TO KNOW EACH OTHER’S BOUNDARIES BEFOREHAND.”